Podcasts about fanshaw

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El funeral de Buck Fanshaw, de Mark Twain.

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party. LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM    [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in? LEM    [up] Yes ma'am.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--? LEM    Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM    Go on? MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it. LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA    Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.  EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?  EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly? FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly. SOUND    SHOUTS FANSHAW    What? EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here. EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND    GRUNTS FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA    [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW    It would be very helpful. EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!     FADE LEM    They here yet? DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush! LEM    [quiet] Aw hell. DOC    What? LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something. DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things. LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC    I reckon so. LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC    What is it you heard? LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC    You think there's still trouble? LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC    Dag nabbit. SOUND    STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!] OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]     FADE FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--] PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.]  SOUND    RUNNING FEET JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!] FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first] PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!" JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!] PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.     FADE LEM    This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy? LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    How'd they end that war? FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up] SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW    Don't--! LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FANSHAW    Speak of the devil! DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.  DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.  DOC    I think so. LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.]  MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya. LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS    You!  Can you do something? EZRA    What should I do? NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out. EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?     FADE DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC    You need support-- LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC    Irene? MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC    Irene! MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving. DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM    [tries not to laugh] DOC    I forbid it! MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!!  LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.     FADE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk.  EZRA    You do talk funny. FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA    What is that? FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA    Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SCUFFLE MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES    [arguing] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEM    [sigh]  Shut up! SOUND    STILL FIGHTING LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please. SOUND    HER STEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT ALL    [go quiet] SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your-- OLY    Mig? LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us.  SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right.  DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM    They's all still on their feet. OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.] LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon? SCABBY BILL    Reckon.  FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND    SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND    THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND    BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1    Keep heading downhill! MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way! GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND    RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND    CART PLODDING DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.  MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree. DOC    You should never've - what? MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM    [quiet chuckle] DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar. DOC    About me? MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me. LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC    I cannot disagree. LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL    [laugh]     FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!] NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don't feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND    RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND    HORSES.  CART NOT MOVING. DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.  MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good. SOUND    HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC    The what? LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!] OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.] FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!] NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.  EZRA    More fighting? FANSHAW    And this must be Nels. NELS    And you must be from England. FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW    I suppose I do. NELS    Just like a woman. FANSHAW    I do not! EZRA    You do a bit. FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw? NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought.  EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA    I can go real far off. FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND    CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND    LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY    Go! [Go!] NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS    Ya. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM    Five years.  Legal. BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture. DOC    Ah! BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad! LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.  DOC    Well... MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM    Go on. DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND    MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND    BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man. GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me! MAN1    I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM    Do tell. DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye. DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then? DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this.  BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties. DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house-- SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot. BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC    They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH    Go'ahn then. DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat. LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels? NELS    [Eat] ata LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata" DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata". LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him. OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.] FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting. NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för. FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you-- LEM    Doo ah-ter fore. OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM    And you all? PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.] TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES    Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL    Ere, now! PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM    Good.  DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    Damn! ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    OUTSIDE LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC    But I can help-- LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND    SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM    I reckon I do. DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM    Preciate it. SOUND    DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2.    LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly. SCABBY BILL    Right. OLY    Ja? SOUND    SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja? OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.] LEM    Take it. SOUND    MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL    Thass river? OLY    Bäck. [stream] LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL    Us'm? LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.  SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners? LEM    In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn. SOUND    WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM    Now for the tricky one. OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?] NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?] LEM    Later. After dust settles. NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM    Senare OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush] NELS    [translating] Attack from behind. LEM    Ya.  Go on. OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!] LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW    I certainly hope so.  LONG MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS    Bah! SWEDES     [general laughter] OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.  PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS    [general laughter] PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS    [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES    [general laughter] OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!] FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.]  FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.] MINERS    [general laughter] SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.] MINERS    [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES    [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND    WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND    SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked] FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9.    AMB    LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10.    AMB    INSIDE SOUND    [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles] FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM    Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive. LEM    And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone. LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts? LEM    [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.  MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC    Good. MUSIC SCENE 12.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE LEM    Alone? FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM    One more victory for-- FANSHAW    Civilization? LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM    Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM    Mm.  Good. FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though... LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem... LEM    Yup? FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this--- LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward. LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?    

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    [to Lem] Bite down on this.  [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  [groan]  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin.   Scotty? FANSHAW    When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    I sincerely hope so.  [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    [shock] So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    [straining to get up] Oh hell.  Where's my britches? FANSHAW    Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM    [lies back with a groan] SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Oh!  You are awake.  I thought I heard your voice! LEM    I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried?  About the gunshots? MRS. DOC    [unconcerned] Oh, that.  My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM    [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC    Oh, my stars!  You won't even remember!  You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM    Out... here? MRS. DOC    Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties!  Leastways, the only one that doctors people.  So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were.  So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good.  You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM    Ah.  You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC    [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM    And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC    [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM    Altercation? MRS. DOC    I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself.  You don't need any such concern right now.  What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM    You're too kind. SOUND    SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM    [sigh]  Yeah? FANSAW    The good lady is correct.  You really don't need this concern right now. LEM    [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW    [slight chuckle] It will, won't it?  Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.  LEM    [grunt, pause] Right, then.  Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW    Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking.  They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything.  They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Here you go.  Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM    Smells right fine.  But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC    [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM    Roberts. MRS. DOC    Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM    Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.  MRS. DOC    You're too kind.  DOC    [calling, off] Irene?  Missus? MRS. DOC    Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.  FANSHAW    The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC    [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom!  [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM    [sips] Mm.  A mite.  But I can use some warming. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC    Ah!  Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed.  [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC    They don't mean no harm! DOC    To us, no.  To each other, though...! LEM    What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC    Nothing you need worry on.  Not yet, leastways. LEM    But I can-- DOC    Tomorrow.  If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.  For now, you need yer rest. LEM    Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC    Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC    You do that. SOUND    SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC    She does make some fair biscuits.  [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW    Should I leave? LEM    No.  [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC    [laughs]  You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever.  That's excellent.  You keep on with that broth, though.  Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM    It's the fever I wanna ask about.  Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW    Garralous? LEM    hmph.  ...rambly? DOC    You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.  LEM    "Folks."  Ah. DOC    Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM    [careful] Whyzzat? DOC    The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM    I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC    Can I speak frankly with you, sir?  And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM    Ayup. DOC    Well, then.  I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM    You...do? DOC    Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW    Really? DOC    You ain't alone, son.  LEM    [unsure] I'm... not? DOC    Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM    Ahhh. FANSHAW    Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM    [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC    I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife.  She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM    She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC    The trip seems to have done you good, too.  Fever broke while we were on route.  Quieted you right down. FANSHAW    And there are less spirits here than in town.  At least not around the house.  None to harass you. LEM    And where are we now, then? DOC    I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM    I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC    We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were.  Near the town of Silt Creek.  LEM    Miners? DOC    [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions.  Can you finish the last of that? LEM    [slurps the broth down] DOC    Good.  If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more.  But do try and sleep. SOUND    LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW    They seem a nice couple. LEM    Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW    Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM    I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them.  Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW    Very well.  When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house.  The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them.  They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM    Were they strapped? FANSHAW    I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND    TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW    I'll see.  [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM    [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW    Two.  They're trying to get the window open! SOUND    CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM    [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END   EPISODE 2 SOUND    FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM    [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW    Lem, they are trying to leever open the window.  If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM    I don't-- SOUND    CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM    Ah hell.  [up] Doc!  Bring your gun!  Doc? SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND    GLASS BREAKS OLY    [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN    [I got it.  Quick, get inside!]  [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM    What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW    Something Nordic, perhaps?  I am hardly an expert! LEM    And where's the Doc? FANSHAW    That I can check on. SOUND    THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM    Stop right there! OLY    [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN    [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY    [Someone is in here.  I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC    [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM    Dammit!  Where's my blasted guns? OLY    [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND    FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW     [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady.  The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY    [barks orders to those outside] [go around front.  Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM    [side of mouth]  What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW    I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY    [shut up!]  [Håll käften!] FANSHAW    He's gesturing for you to remain quiet.  If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND    ONE QUIET RAP SVEN    [outside, question]  [you want the axe?]  [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY    [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW    I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND    ONE RAP FANSHAW    Right, then. SOUND    FANSHAW EXITS OLY    [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM    [slowly] I don't understand. OLY    [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM    Come with?  I been shot.  Weak.  Cain't walk. OLY    [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM    [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM    [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC    [weeping] DOC    Let me go to my wife! BJORN    [angry words]  [just stay right there.  No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC    [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave.  We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN    [warning noise] FANSHAW    At least there's nothing unseemly going on.  That would simply be too much.  If only Lem had his guns.  There's no more that six of them, large as they are.  And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY    [Someone come and carry this fool.]  [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE    [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN    [go!] [Go!] SOUND    ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN    [barks orders] [tie them up!]  [Binned upp dem!] SOUND    CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC    [gaspy shriek] DOC    There ain't no call for this!  How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN    Shh! FANSHAW    Well.  That anyone can understand. FADE LEM    [muttered]  I never thought Swedes were this ornery.  Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW    I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM    eh? FANSHAW    The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND    AKE WALKS IN OLY    [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE    [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM    [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw    Be prepared.  They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem    Damn. AKE    [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY    [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc    [speaking looud and slow] stitches.  He needs stitches.  I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES    [muttering] Doc    [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc    [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN    Nels?   Doc    If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN    [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc    Nels.  Yes.  He was a good man. SOUND    MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem    [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven    [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY    [Be quiet.  If nels was here, there would be no problem.  You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW    [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead?  Hmm. LEM    [quiet] Go on then. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE    [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY    [He cannot even stand.  Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW    Nels?  I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob!  [shut your mouth] FANSHAW    Heavens!  Hello? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW    Are you addressing me? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about.  Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that.  {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL    Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY    [drunken chortle] FANSHAW    That's a relief - of a sort.  Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation.  Bloody hell.  [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC    I can't do him any good without my bag.  [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY    [thinking] Bag.  Ja.  Mrs. Doc    Maybe they understand needle and thread.  Show them. FANSHAW    Lem, just listen.  I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against.  At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM    Cheery. FANSHAW    And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM    [impatient sigh] FANSHAW    But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM    Hmph. DOC    [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag!  You see?  Noooo weapons.  Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM    [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY    [Hell!  Nels always had bad timing!]  [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN    [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc    Nels?  [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN    [good man] God Manniska.  Ya. OLY    [Hmph.  give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH    Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate.  Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front.  I'll keep pikey downwind.  His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY    [drunken laugh] FANSHAW    I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels.  [quiet] Please god I shall find him.  [up] Nels?  Nels! PIKEY    Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH    Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND    SCISSORS SNIP DOC    [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC    Dear? DOC    [heavy sigh] Right.  [back to loud and slow] Clean.  Wash.  Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES    [approving noises]  ya ya.  Whiskey. DOC    [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM    That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc    They're watching you real close.  They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar.  "Help", for instance. OLY    [Help?  Help what?] [Hjalp?  Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC    It's almost like he understood me. LEM    I wouldn't go thinkin' these fellers is fools.  They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his  business. DOC    You think they'll leave now? LEM    So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC    [agreeing] Mm-hm.  Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head.  It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM    So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC    These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley.  They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC    Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding?  With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM    Might could be.  These miners, they speak English?  Not chineee or sumpin? DOC    English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.   LEM    Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house.  I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC    What do we do? LEM    I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC    Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM    Even more so.  But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC    Oh no! DOC    If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM    I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY    [hey!  Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE    [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM    Never mind. SVEN    [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW    [sigh] This is about as far as I can go.  I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA    Hello. FANSHAW    Hel-lo? EZRA    Will you play with me? FANSHAW    Oh, dear. [end]   EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child]    What's your name? FANSHAW    [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA    That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW    I expect so.  And yours? EZRA    Ezra.  Ezra Peacote.  FANSHAW    Ezra.  Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA    Sure I can!  You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW    I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment.  Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA    I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees.  I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW    [sorrowful] Oh.  I see.     FADE 2_barricade SOUND    SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY    [block that window!  Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN    [yes! PUSH!]  [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES    [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC    Stop all this!  Let me talk to them!  AKE    [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc    Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!  DOC    I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM    [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner.  [chuckles]  It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.      FADE 3_angel FANSHAW    Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait.  There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA    Helping is what I'm here fer.  Not that I had much chance, yet.  I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW    A - what? EZRA    You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW    Oh, of course, I've just...  I've never seen one. EZRA    Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW    [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA    Yessir.  But don't sound so sad - it's all right.  I don't cough no more. FANSHAW    You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?     FADE 4_irons SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND    SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS  [voices from back in the front room] OLY    [yelling to them outside]  [we know you are there!  Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC    [also yelling] They have my shotgun!  Stay clear! MRS. DOC    Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone.  We must be able to work this out! SOUND    DOOR EASES SHUT LEM    [sigh of relief]  Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY    [slurred, off]  Eyup!  Naught but oiyl!  As ah allus sez  - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt.  [hey - nothing but a hole!  As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM    [hushed but urgent] Dammit!  SOUND    THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND    NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM    [searching for his guns] Where are they?  Dammit!     FADE 5_get nels EZRA    Nels?  I'll go and ask.  There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them.  They talk funny. FANSHAW    If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA    I'm a-going.  [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings?  I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW    [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead.  You go on, now.  [pause]  [small sob]     FADE 6_put em up SOUND    THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL    Bleeding muttonheads, innit?  Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY    Inno moat.  [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL    Shu'up. PIKEY    SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL    [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY    [off]  [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE    [off]  [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN    [off]  [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY    [furious growl]  [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND    FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL    Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY    Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL    Shh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS PIKEY    [loud attack] Right! SOUND    HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM    All y'all hold it right there.  [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY    What? LEM    Drop em. SOUND    CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL    What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM    No place so trick.  You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE    [slightly off] Gun?  LEM    Yes, gun! SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY    Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL    You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment.  You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM    You two stay right'chere. SOUND    SLIGHT STEP LEM    [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun.  Now you, "mansker"-- AKE    [me?]  [mig?] LEM    Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN    [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE    [He can shoot one.  And it can be you, idiot.]  [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM    Idiot.  Gotcha.  Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker.  Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.     FADE 7_NELS EZRA    You just waiting fer me?    FANSHAW    I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA    I kin find anything round here.  I found yer Mr. Nels.  He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW    [calling] Nels? NELS    Who is this asking?  Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA    [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW    [up]  We need help with talking to your men.  Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS    Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW    A woman?  The doctor's wife? NELS    Nah!  The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW    [resigned mutter]  All this over a woman.  And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA    You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW    Thank you.  It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS    Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA    Is she their mother? FANSHAW    I rather doubt it.  But women are good at... other things too. EZRA    You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.  FANSHAW    Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA    All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW    If you must. EZRA    Huh? FANSHAW    [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men.  Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS    [snort of derision]  Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA    That's just silly. FANSHAW    I think that rather lost something in the translation.      FADE 8_palaver SOUND    ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM    [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw.  [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC    I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC    Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC    That's a capital idea!  Mrs. Doc    I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle.  NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I'll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND    SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL    Us got more lads backside.  Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM    I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin.  Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    Lem, we have a problem. LEM    [laughs derisively] FANSHAW    Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place.  I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND    MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC    Here we go.  I even have some chalk.  Now.  [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC    Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC    He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband.  [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY    [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem!  Ja! SOUND    DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC    [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL    Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND    DRAWING FINISHES OLY    ["Finished"] Fardig.  [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND    TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY    As I allus say. DOC    I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM    No, I think he means dam, like a mare.  Look at what he's drawn. DOC    A woman?  Oh, that sort of dam! OLY    Ya.  Dam. FANSHAW    Damn!  Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.  LEM    Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am.  [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END   EPISODE 4 FANSHAW    I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM    [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on?  What is this about a woman? FANSHAW    Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY    What woman?  Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH    Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM    You certain sure they's speakin normal English?  Sounds downright wrong. DOC    You get used to it. FANSHAW    I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty.  Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM    York-sure? PIKEY    Aye!  Tykes, us'm. FITCH    Shh! LEM    That sounds like an ayup. OLY    [This has to get us something.  give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM    There's that dam again.  [up]  If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH    Got nowt.  LEM    Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky.  [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL    Nae, sir, cannot.  LEM    Whay's that? SCABBY BILL    um.... Ty-foy. DOC    Typhoid?  Horsefeathers!  Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee.  Get up. PIKEY    Shant. OLY    [growl]  Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH    Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE    Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC    Wait!  Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC    You!  Sit!  [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND    SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC    Now you!  Go on! SOUND    SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW    Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak.  They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM    [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW    This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM    [deep breath and sigh]  Now, fellers.  Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND    BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM    [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere?  Ye call vem leeks?  TED    Best t'be had.  Yon t'were parky summer.  [best to be had.  It was a cold summer] BEACHUM    Hmm.  Right, leave em on block.  SOUND    RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES    [breathless from off] Eyup! TED    Eyup?  Why'rt thee so sharp?  [hello?  What's wrong?] JAMES    Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped!  [Finch and the guys!  They've been grabbed] TED    Thas doolally, thee!  [you're crazy!] JAMES    Nay!  us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey--  [no!  We were at the house, and they went in--] TED    [snort] All save thee?  Get on.  [everyone but you?  Nonsense!] JAMES    Shouts!  And vices.  Them logmen.  But else ain mair.  I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em.  [Shouts!  And voices!  Those loggers.  But that's not all.  I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED    [decisive, grim] Roust old Git.  Say tis knockin up time.  [go wake up Old git.  Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND    EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS    [disgusted noise]  [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN    [They better be getting her back.  You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS    [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL    [Quiet down!  It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK    [out of breath] [Come quickly!  Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES    [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!]  Låt oss få dem! SOUND    CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE     FADE LEM    Don't try and buffalo me, lads.  I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL    Me? LEM    Ayup.  I heerd you.  You talk purt near normal.  Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW    Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL    [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister.  [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM    Cut that out.  This ain't no game, feller.  Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL    [considering] Hmm. PIKEY    Wazzat?  Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL    Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.]  [up, clearer]  What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC    While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat?  Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM    Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE LEM    [sighs as he sits] EZRA    [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    I am summoned.  You seem to be handling things. LEM    [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC    If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY    Wha? SCABBY BILL     Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY    Ta! MRS. DOC    [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes]  I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY    [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC    Well.  I'll just be in the kitchen, then.  SOUND    WALKS OUT LEM    Checkin' her biscuits. DOC    [chuckles]     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW    From where? EZRA    There! FANSHAW    The loggers? EZRA    And there! FANSHAW    Oh, blast.      FADE DOC    [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.  LEM    [undertone] Save it fer after.  Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up]  You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL    Bill.  LEM    No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL    [sigh]  T'owd lass.  Nae laikin'.  [clears his throat]   She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks.  Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.  LEM    What's her name? SCABBY BILL    Mrs. Beamish. LEM    Mrs.?  Doc? DOC    I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL    Widder.  LEM    Ayeah.  So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL    Nae, London, her'm. SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    [breathless] Lem!  More are on their way, both sides. LEM    But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL    [snort of laughter] Nay!  She've an accent.  FANSHAW    [surprised laugh] LEM    But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL    But mair like than nowt like.  Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be.  Talk. FANSHAW    [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM    So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL    Aye. OLY    [Did they say what they did?] LEM    [slow] I'm asking.  [muttred]  Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW    Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM    That's right fine.      FADE SOUND    Moving through underbrush KJELL    Det är huset!  [There is the house!] LARS    Finns det någon död?  [Are there any dead?] FREDEK    Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS    Oly?  Var såg du honom? [Oly?  Where did you see him?] FREDEK    Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light!  In the window!] KJELL    Tyst! [Be quiet.]     FADE TED    Thas t'house? JAMES    Eh, by gum.  Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT    Winder wooded oop.  [window is covered in wood] JAMES    [disparagin] Winder at back.   TED    See owt o't'lads?  [see anything of the guys?] JAMES    Within? OLD GIT    Tha reckon, young-en?  TED    [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not.  [this is all going to hell, like]     FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC    Drink.  It's more broth. LEM    Thankee kindly, ma'am.  All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC    I think you've takin the edge off, anyways.  Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM    At's a wonder.  [sips, ahhh.] DOC    But I worry about you, feller.  Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM    I cain't wish fer more.  [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am.  Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC    Of course. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF LEM    [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC    What the blazes! LEM    shh.  I think both have reinforcements comin.  We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL    [clears throat]  We are ready to cry off.  And make some talk.  Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows.  [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM    Sounds like a good start.  You? OLY    Ya?  [No fighting.  Talk.  Somehow.] DOC    Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM    I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill?  Go tell yer men to rein it in.  [correcting] uh, step back.  They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL    Flippin 'eck!  Ah'm barn.  [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND    a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL    [off, fading]  Lads!  LEM    Oly, your turn, old son.  [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY    Ya.  SOUND    FEET, DOOR LEM    [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here.  See what you can do anyway. DOC    Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM    I'll set em down myself. SOUND    METAL ON WOOD LEM    [quiet] Don't fret.  Th'ain't even loaded. DOC    Well, I'll be! LEM    I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets.  Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END    

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ******************************************************************   Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs]    I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem!  LEM [voice low]    We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat]    Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM   And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put.    LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW   It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave?  Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho.  SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it!  I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM   Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not?  He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM   [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?    FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.  FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE   I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM   Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round.  SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone.  .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh]  CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW   Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why?  What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war?    My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW   We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM [gasp]  Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY   I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS   Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS   [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem?  YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY   And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW   But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No?  Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW   [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER On foot?  SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.  LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw?    Too far out.  COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER   Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM Course not.  COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM   Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER   LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No!  I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey!  I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW   There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM   [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!  SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM   [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ?  FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER   Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine.  SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM   [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham?  FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM   Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent!  FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn!  GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]  LEM   I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM   I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM Go?  go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied]  FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath]  LEM [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug]    So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW What? END    

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out. LEM    He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW    But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM    A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW    [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM    Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND    OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM    You ready? LEM    Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM    [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM    [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM    No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND    THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND    GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM    And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM    Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND    LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM    [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND    TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND    G - BODY DROP SOUND    LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC    BACK TO NOW FANSHAW     [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM    Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW    I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM    [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW    But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM    [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW    Do you enjoy it? LEM    [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW    Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM    Hmmm.  [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM    S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW    The thrill of danger? LEM    That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?  No.  FANSHAW    Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM    I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC    FLASH BACK AMB    INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND    GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN    [gasps] SOUND    [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND    PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM    [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND    BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER    Your shot, Mister. LEM    [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND    Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW LEM    [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW    I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Look - the horizon! LEM    Signal fires, and a lot of em.  Damn. FANSHAW    They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM    Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW    [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM    Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW    [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND    DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM    You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW    She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM    Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND    MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW    [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND    READYING FOR BATTLE LEM    If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER    You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM    I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER    I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM    That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND    [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE    And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW    [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE    No.  I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW    We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE    Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW    Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE    [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW    I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE    Wait! FANSHAW    [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE    Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW    I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET    Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW    I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET     What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO     By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND    POUNDING LISETTE    Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN    [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND    POUNDING STOPS LISETTE    Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW    [sigh] Yes? LISETTE    Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET    Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW    I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND    PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY    Sir? LEM    Yeah? SCOTTY    Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM    [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY    O'course. LEM    Against a person? SCOTTY    Well, against animals. LEM    Right. GRISHAM    Not everyone can be you. LEM    [sighs] SCOTTY    Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM    This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM    You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY    Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM    Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM    Scotty.  Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY    Over there. GRISHAM    [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM    Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY    Right, sir! GRISHAM    Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM    I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM    That ain't what I heered. LEM    Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM    And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM    [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM    So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM    If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY    Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM    [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB    CRICKETS SOUND    HORSES FANSHAW    They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM    [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY    What ain't impossible? LEM    We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY    These here horses are my responsibility! LEM    Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW    Don't forget the satchel. SOUND    CREAK LEM    Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY    I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW    [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND    REMOVING SPURS LEM    Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY    How'll you find us? LEM    I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND    QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK    echoey hallway LISETTE    [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Carmichael. LISETTE    [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW     [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE    Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW    [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE    [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND    SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM    [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW    I'll have a look round.  SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM    [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM    Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM    [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM    [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM    What all do you want? GRISHAM    Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM    Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM    What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM    [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND    FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW    Who the devil is this? GRISHAM    Who the devil are you? LEM    What'd ya find out? FANSHAW    A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM    What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW    [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM    Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW    We need to get moving. GRISHAM    I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND    KNIFE FANSHAW    [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND    PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM    [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM    Oooohhhh. FANSHAW    Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM    [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND    SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM    What'd you do to him? FANSHAW    I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND    TAP ON DOOR LISETTE    Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Come in. LISETTE    I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW    I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE    That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW    I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE    And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW    Whyever not? LISETTE     On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW    [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE    That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW    What? LISETTE    That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW    Out? LISETTE    [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND    QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM    [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW    [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM    Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW    I don't see anyone.  Anyone... hostile. SOUND    QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY    [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM    What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY    They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW    I don't doubt it. SCOTTY    And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW    I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY    And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM    [heavy sigh]  Ayup. CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND    UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM    Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND    SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW    Of course. SCOTTY    I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM    I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY    What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW    I'll deal with him. LEM    I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY    What are you doing? LEM    Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND    RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW    Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY    Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW    Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND    BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND    MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND    GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM    Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND    MEN WALK BY LEADER    Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND    Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER    [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND    We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY    [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW    There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY    But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW    Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY    And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW    [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY    What's it like? FANSHAW    [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY     Being with a woman? FANSHAW    Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM    [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK SOUND    NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND    ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS    [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT    [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS    [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT    [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND    VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM    [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT    [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW    My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY    Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY    Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW    [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY    [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW    And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY    But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW    [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY    You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW    Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY     [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW    Yes.  Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND    RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT    Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM    You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT    There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM    I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT    [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM    [pride] Yup. SOUND    OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS    [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM    [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT    But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM    I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW    I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY    Was she really purtty? FANSHAW    [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY    You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW    Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY    What didja do? FANSHAW    I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY    You waited on a rock? FANSHAW    I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY    What happened? FANSHAW    I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY    Yes? FANSHAW    That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY    She'd gone and -- FANSHAW    My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY    Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW    Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND    UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM    They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT    Yes. YOUNG LEM    Why?  What for? PIEDMONT    We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM    You mean the war?  Hmph.  My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT    [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM    [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS    There he is! MAN    Get him! PIEDMONT    [scream] SOUND    SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM    [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT    I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY    You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW    Yes.  We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY    How'd it work? FANSHAW    Work? SCOTTY    I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW    I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY    Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW    We... help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND    LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT    [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM    [gasp]  Pa? SOUND    GUNSHOT SOUND    TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS    [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW    Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY    Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW    No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY    Oh.  I spose that could happen. FANSHAW    Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY    [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW    [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY    [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW    Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY    What if it's ladies? FANSHAW    [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY    What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW    [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM    [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS    You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM    [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS    Good.  Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM    [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS    Yup. YOUNG LEM    In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS    Yup.  [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM    What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS    [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM    Oh. SOUND    BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS    Lem?  YOUNG LEM    [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS    [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM    [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY    It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW    Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY    I-- FANSHAW    [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY    Answer? FANSHAW    Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY    What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW    Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY    Oh.  And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW    What about me? SCOTTY    Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW    Oh.  But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY    No?  Why? FANSHAW    I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY    That's crazy talk. FANSHAW    That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY    All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW    A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY    That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW    True.  [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY    Is there something we can do? FANSHAW    This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND    IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER    [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER    Yessir! SOUND    FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND    DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2    Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER    On foot?  SENTRY    [off] Halt! LEM    [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY    Stop, I say! COMMANDER    Let him on through. LEM    They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER    Why are you-- LEM    Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND    FALLS DOWN COMMANDER    Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM    I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY    We got to do something! FANSHAW    And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY    Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW    I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY    [really down] No. FANSHAW    If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC    Can you get yourself around this? LEM    [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC    [shrug] Mostly brandy.  Medicinal. LEM    [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE     Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM    [coughs] DOC    Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM    [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE    [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC     The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM    Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY    He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW    We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY    [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW    There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY    But I-- GRISHAM    [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY    Where? FANSHAW    To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND    MEN READY TO GO SOUND    MOUNT UP LEM    [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER    You doing all right, there, feller? LEM    Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER     Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND    HORSES MOVE OUT LEM    Commander? COMMANDER    Hmm? LEM    Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER    This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM    Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER    I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM    Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND    PUNCH FANSHAW    [casual] shut up. SCOTTY    That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW    Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM    [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW    Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY    Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW    How? SCOTTY     Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM    Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY    [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM    oof! SCOTTY    Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW    Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM    [muttered] Fanshaw?  Damn.  Too far out.  COMMANDER    What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM    Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER    Good.  Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM    Course not.  COMMANDER    You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM    Ayup.  Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER    You're sure he's ... dead? LEM    I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER    [sad] That's too bad. LEM    Kin? COMMANDER    Nephew.  LEM    [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER    That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM    [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND    MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW    Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK AMB    BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY    Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA    Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY    You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA    No!  I am a pirate. NANNY    Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA    Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY    Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA    Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER    Did you see how big a force they had? LEM    Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER    [skeptical] Really? LEM    They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER    [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM    'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER    [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND    STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND    SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY    [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM    [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW    [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1    Hey!  I found something! SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW    [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2    What? SECOND    Silence! RUFFIAN2    [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1    Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND    [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER    [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB    Yessir! LEM    If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER    You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM    [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER    Valuables? LEM    Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER    [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM    [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY    Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW    I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY    Why? FANSHAW    I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY    Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW    No.  There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY    Why can't I--? FANSHAW    Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY    Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW    Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY    [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW    Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND    FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA    I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY    Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA    But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY    And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA    Or nannies. NANNY    [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA    I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY    [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA    I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY    [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA    Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND    NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER    Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM    I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER    [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM    If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER    [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM    I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER    One thing. LEM    Yeah? COMMANDER    One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM    [down] Oh. COMMANDER    And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM    I- COMMANDER    [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM    [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER    [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM    I kin only do my best. SOUND    WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND    COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER    [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW    Blackguards. RUFFIAN2    [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1    [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2    [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1    Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW    Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM    Nothin.  [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW    [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM    [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW    Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM    What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND    RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB    IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM     Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW    [muffled noises] SOUND    STRUGGLING GRISHAM    Oh, no you don't!  SOUND    MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM    I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW    [noise of effort] GRISHAM    [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW    Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM    Waitaminute.  [disgusted noise] FANSHAW    [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM    Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW    [noise of effort] SOUND    STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM    You're a-- ?  FANSHAW    You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER    He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND    [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER    [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND    [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER    [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER    Shots? SECOND    Sir? LEADER    Damn.  Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND    Plan dos, sir? LEADER    They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND    Yessir! SOUND    RUNS OFF SCOTTY     [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND    HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW    [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM    [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND    HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM    [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND    SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM    [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND    NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM    [muttered] almost... GRISHAM    There you are! LEM    [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM    Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND    GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM    Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND    BEGINS SHOOTING MaN    [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER    [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY    Yessir! MAN    [hit, argh!] COMMANDER    Stay low! FANSHAW    All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM    There you are. FANSHAW    Bloody hell. GRISHAM    [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW    [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND    FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND    COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND    RELOADING SOUND    NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM    That's nine.  SOUND    SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY    [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM    Damn.  [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY    [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM    [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND    HORSE BLOWS LEM    [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW    [a bit distant] Lem? LEM    Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW    Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM    Grisham?  Yeah. FANSHAW    The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM    Good.  Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW    What message? LEM    Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND    HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW    Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER    Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL    Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER    This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND    HORSE APPROACHING LEM    [distant] Commander! COMMANDER    Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER    A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND    HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM    [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER    My god! LEM    Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER    You, boy! BOY    Yessir? COMMANDER    Bring my horse, quickly! LEM    You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER    You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM    Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER    Corporal? CORPORAL    [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW    Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND    LEM DISMOUNTS LEM    Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL    Excellent!  FANSHAW    I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM    Found you! FANSHAW    Oh, damn!  GRISHAM    You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW    [hits out] GRISHAM    [ungh!] FANSHAW    Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM    [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM    What? LEM    You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM    [all the bluster gone]  Yeah. LEM    Good.  I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM    [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND    QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM    Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM    [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL    [commanding] Men! SOUND    MORE GUNSHOTS LEM    [groan] SOUND    BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW    [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? END

In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END  

In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END

Even in the middle of a blizzard, Lem and Fanshaw find someone in need of help - outlaws have taken over a Quaker hostel, holding the proprietress' children hostage.   Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Don Phelps - Reynaud LeBoeuf Randall Cullom - J.D. Lloyd Garrett Cullom - Shawn Connor Burden Fayette - Beverly Poole Will Fayette - Glen Hallstrom Fayette Children - Al Aseoche, Krystal Baker, Molly Tollefson, Reynaud LeBoeuf, Julie Hoverson Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's the middle of a blizzard, can't you tell?" ********************************************************* HOSTEL TERRITORY Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts, the Kid Clarence Fanshaw, the sidekkick THE FAMILY Burden Fayette, the woman Faith, Hope, Fortitude, Courage, and Pious, the children Will Fayette, the dead husband Valor, the dog THE OUTLAWS Don Phelps, the leader Randall Cullom, the rabid one Garret Collum, the dying one OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the only building for miles in a blizzard, can't you tell?  Good thing it's a hostelry. 1  INCOMING SOUND    BLIZZARD SOUND    HORSES AND MAN WADE THROUGH SNOW FANSHAW    [not cold] Not much further.  LEMUEL    [very cold] You been saying that fer the last hour. FANSHAW    And you've kept walking.  If you look up, you can see the light from the window. LEMUEL    And get a snootful of frozen sleet?  No thank you very much.  Is there a barn? FANSHAW    Yes.  It's a bit closer, why? LEMUEL    These here horses'll drop afore I do.  Need to get 'em inside. VALOR    [distant howl] FANSHAW    I'll go and see if it's unlocked, then, shall I? 2_INSIDE MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE, BLIZZARD STILL RAGES OUTSIDE SOUND    DOOR CLOSES, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS DON    Well? BURDEN    [quiet] He ain't doing too well, but I think he'll pull through. RANDALL    You think?  BURDEN    [sharp] My husband was the one with some doctoring.  I am doin what I can. DON    You best keep on.  [threat] Them children o'yours depend on you. BURDEN    [almost breaking] I know. SOUND     BABY CRIES, NEARBY 3_BARN MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE THE BARN - CLOSER TO THE STORM SOUND    HORSES BLOW, RUBBING SOUNDS LEMUEL    [to horses, and self] It ain't much, but leastways it's above freezin in here. FANSHAW    [coming on] I've taken the liberty of looking around, Lemuel.  It is a hostel, so you're very lucky on that count.  I haven't been inside, but a peek through the windows shows they're sitting down to dinner even as we speak. LEMUEL    [almost drooling]  Dinner.  Mebbe even coffee. VALOR    [distant but approaching - insistent barking] FANSHAW    Perhaps, but-- LEMUEL    How could anyone leave a good dog out on a night like this? FANSHAW    You're certain it's not a wolf or a coyotay? LEMUEL    You mean a kai-yote?  You could try to speak normal from time to time, y'know.  Nah.  Neither o'them barks like that.  That's a hound, right enough. FANSHAW    Your guns? LEMUEL    What about em? FANSHAW    The hostel sign shows they're quakers.  They do not allow guns in the house. LEMUEL    Idjits.  Fine.  I'll cache em here somewheres. SOUND    RUSTLING VALOR    [coming on, barking and panting, doesn't seem at all cold] FANSHAW    Oh, I say. LEMUEL    That explains a lot.  You look after 'em.  I got t'get inside and get around some grub.  FANSHAW    Right-ho.  Here boy.  There's a good dog. VALOR    [enjoys the petting, then barks a couple of times] 4  DINNER MUSIC SOUND    TWO TIN PLATES AND FORKS BURDEN    I haven't spoken grace yet! DON    Grace yourself, woman.  We're hungry. BURDEN    For what we are about to receive, let the lord make us thankful.  Amen ALL CHILDREN    Amen. SOUND    POUNDING ON THE DOOR BURDEN    [gasps, almost a scream] CHILDREN    [also react] RANDELL    Shut up!  Tell em to go 'way. BURDEN    We are a stage stop - we have to take folks. DON    Not tonight. Go on. SOUND    CHAIR, WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, KNOCK ON DOOR AGAIN BURDEN    But if I send them away, they might could make it to Corvel in the valley, and tell folks--. RANDALL    We can't have no one-- BURDEN    Even on a night like this, the sheriff would-- DON    Let 'em in.  [threat] We can deal with 'em, if'n we have to. SOUND    BAR REMOVED FROM DOOR, DOOR OPENS, LEM'S STEPS COME IN BURDEN    [as if trying to tell him something] Sorry about the wait, stranger - things are a mite rough here right now. DON    [saccharine] Never mind, dearest-- BURDEN    [gasp] DON    Bring the gentleman on in. LEMUEL    I hope you don' mind - I already bunked my horses in the stables. PIOUS    What he say? RANDALL    [hissed]  You'll keep shut if you know what's good fer you. SOUND    WOMAN'S BOOTS RUN TO TABLE BURDEN    Shh.  Shh, Pious, honey.  SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE, MAN TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS DON    Children.  [forced chuckle] You got to take a firm hand with them.  I'm Don Phelps, the proprietor here, and this here's my wife, [hint hint] right dear? BURDEN    [quiet] Yes. RANDALL    But-- DON    And this here's her brother, Randall - he helps us around the place.  [beat] We don't see many travelers in weather like this. LEMUEL    [playing a bit dumb] Reckon not.  Well, I'm right lucky you're here, and, ma'am, I am pert near faintin with rapture at the smell o'your cookin - can you make some room at that table, with all them young'uns? BURDEN    Always room.  And they's always food. LEMUEL    I should oughta tell you - I had to leave a parcel of my goods out in the woods, since the horses was flaggin.  I kin go back fer it once the sky clears a bit, but all my money's in there. RANDALL    [too quick] How much? DON    Ssh.  I kin see right well this feller's good fer the cost of a room and grub, even if the snow carries on fer a mite longer. GARRETT    [off, muffled groan] RANDALL    Garry!  What's agoin on with him--? DON    Hesh now, Randall.  Woman, you go and look in on [emphasized] your other ailing brother.  I'll serve this good feller. SOUND    AFTER A SLIGHT HESITATION, FOOTSTEPS LEAVE, DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS DON    Well sir, we've got some good stew here, a load of turnips, and bread and butter. FANSHAW    Lem, there is something very much not right here. LEMUEL     Reckon I'll take whatever you got to spare. FANSHAW    I know you won't be able to reply to anything I say, but-- DON    You tuck in, and I spect that tomorrow, once it clears some, my brother-in-law here and I would be happy to help you go and get your ... goods.  How far out was you when you had to unburden yourself? FANSHAW    Goods? LEMUEL    Coupla hours back - so might coulda been a few miles, depending on how much headway we made.  I kin find it again, though I doubt me anyone else could - I hid it real good.  [chuckles] FANSHAW    Ah.  I see you don't need me to tell you these fellows are up to no good.  And carrying weapons - no quakers, these. LEMUEL    What's wrong with your friend in the back? RANDALL    None o' your goddamned-- DON    Randall!  Not in front of the children!  He slid on some ice and broke his leg real bad.  FANSHAW    Funny - I took a look back there, and I never saw a broken leg that required a bloody bandage to the chest before. LEMUEL    Hmm.  That's a real bad one.  VALOR    [Whines] FANSHAW    Shh.  I know how frustrating it can be to smell food and not be able to have any.  Believe me, boy. DON    What do you do, stranger? LEMUEL    [swallows hard, then]  I - well, see, I'm a‑‑ FANSHAW    Courier? LEMUEL    --a courier.  Carrying important packages fer -- gold mining concerns.  VALOR    [whining, tugging] FANSHAW    What is it?  You can't-- VALOR    [almost growling as he tugs] RANDALL    Gold mining?  FANSHAW    I swear that man's eyes just lit up like the footlights at the Tivoli. VALOR    [GROWLING, getting intense] FANSHAW    Damn.  Lem, the dog's not going to let up until I see what he wants to show me.  [going off] I shall return shortly. LEMUEL    Bet them kids are a good lot of help running a hostel and all. DON    Not so much as you'd think.  I'm only their step-daddy, you see, so they ain't taken to me much yet. LEMUEL    Ahh.  At's a hard row to hoe. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WOMAN COMES BACK, APPROACHES SLOWLY BURDEN    [whispering] I finally managed to stop the bleedin. LEMUEL    Bleedin?  [low whistle]  That's a bad break and no mistake. DON    Yes.  Yes 'tis.  [to Burden] Well, that's good, then.  Sit and eat. BURDEN    I need to get the children to bed. RANDALL    No way, you-- DON    Shh.  Don't you have no hospitality in you, woman?  Them kids can see to themselves while you stay here and keep us all comp'ny. BURDEN    Come here, y'all.  A kiss goodnight then you run along. FAITH    Mama-- BURDEN    Shh.  You look after the little ones, Faith. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD HOPE    [in tears, but quiet] I don't wanna--! BURDEN    You have to, Hope, sweetie. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD RANDALL    Oh, get on with it.  Are they like this every damn night? DON    [forced chuckle]  He's just arrived fer a visit.  These cowhands - not used to family living. LEMUEL    I'm purty much the same. FORTITUDE    Mama. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BURDEN    Don't you forget your prayers just cause we have guests in the house, Fortitude. FORTITUDE    Yes, mama. RANDALL    Well, I gots to take myself outside for a bit.  Y'all'll be all right without me? BURDEN    The outhouse is-- RANDALL    This kind of weather, I ain't troublin to go that far. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR, BLIZZARD UP, DOOR SHUTS COURAGE    [whimper] BURDEN    Have courage, Courage. SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD DON    Them names these children have. LEMUEL    Nothing wrong with good sound virtues.  SOUND    KISS ON THE FOREHEAD BURDEN    Now, Courage, you take Pious by the hand and all ya'll run along t' bed.  Hope, take baby Humility-- DON    Baby can stay.  BURDEN     [gasps]  DON    They're too young to look after him.  Sides, he's sleeping. BURDEN     You... y'all go on up, now. SOUND    PATTER OF FOOTSTEPS GOING UPSTAIRS BURDEN    I'll be listenin fer your prayers!  [breaking slightly] I - I love y'all! VALOR    [distant mournful howl] 5 OUT BACK MUSIC SOUND    BLIZZARD VALOR    [Howling mournfully] FANSHAW    Bloody dog.  If you weren't a good solid dark color, I would have lost you long ago.  So what is it, boy?  Hmm?  [horrified and stunned] Oh.  My word. 6_PLAIN FARE MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE, BLIZZARD IN BACKGROUND LEMUEL    Well, ma'am, I must say that's the best meal I've aten in quite some time.  BURDEN    [pleased] Plain fare.  We weren't expectin no one. LEMUEL    Plain fare's the best.  Hits the spot. DON    Randall's been gone a damn long time.  Where could he'a got to? BURDEN    You want I should go an' check? DON    [sharp]  No!  [chuckles insincerely, softens] I mean, no, dear.  Why donch you come and sit by me?  SOUND    HAND PATS CHAIR, RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS, CHAIR SQUEAK DON    If Randall cain't find his own way back from relievin hisself, well, mebbe he deserves to have it freeze and snap off. LEMUEL    I can go and look?  I should cast an eye over my horses, make sure they're warmin up. DON    Um...  Certainly, certainly.  That sounds just fine. LEMUEL    Be right back.  [goodbye] Ma'am. SOUND    BOOTS, DOOR OPENS 7 BRAVING THE STORM SOUND    BLIZZARD UP SOUND    DOOR CLOSES, BOOTS IN SNOW FANSHAW    Lemuel, something terrible is happening here.  You must come see-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS DON    [shouting very loud]  You bring Randall on back here the minute you find him, eh, stranger? LEMUEL    A'course. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS LEMUEL    [low] No chance of sneaking up on that kai-yote while he's rifling my saddlebags now, is there? FANSHAW    Oh, yes, I forgot to mention-- LEMUEL    That's not what you wanted me to--? FANSHAW    He didn't find your guns, but he's still in the barn.  Come along, this way. 8 BACK INSIDE MUSIC AMBIANCE    INSIDE SOUND    DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS RANDALL    Colder than a witches-- DON    Where the hell were you?  That stranger went a'looking fer you - didn't you see him? RANDALL    Nope.  Mebbe he got lost. DON    Well, that won't get us his goods, will it?  We can search from now to kingdom come and-- RANDALL    Keep yer shirt on.  [leering]  At least fer now, eh, wifey? BURDEN    [sharp intake of breath] RANDALL    [grumbling] And you told the fellow I'us her brother just so's you could get a leg up-- DON    You should go find that feller.  We cain't let him get to thinkin there's anythin wrong.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR UNLATCHES DON    Oh, and - was there anything int'resting in his saddlebags? RANDALL    [grunt of annoyance]  Not much.  Mostly what you'd expect. DON    Mostly? RANDALL    Well, there was this metal jar might be worth a few bucks.  But it wouldn't open.  And was right heavy.  [shrugs] Figured if'n we decide it's worth it, we can lift it later with the rest of his kit. 9 _ THE BODIES MUSIC FANSHAW    Just a bit farther. LEMUEL    [snort]  Like I haven't heered that before. VALOR    [bark, panting] FANSHAW    Watch where you step. LEMUEL    Blood? FANSHAW    Well, snow certainly doesn't usually come in that color. SOUND    BRUSHING AWAY SNOW LEMUEL    It's fresh - no more'n a couple hours old. FANSHAW    The - source - is just ahead of you. LEMUEL    Hmm?  Ah, hell.  Who's he? FANSHAW    I suspect we have here this poor fellow's master.  And just to your right-- LEMUEL    Yep.  The man'us kilt outright - shot through the head like that don't leave you moving much. FANSHAW    But - the blood trail? LEMUEL    That's your amigo there.  Looks like even gut shot, he was tryin to go and get hep.  FANSHAW    Did he freeze? LEMUEL    I hope so - I heer it hurts some less than a gunshot.  But froze or bled out, he probably passed right about when we first heered him. FANSHAW    Poor fellow. LEMUEL    I swear'n he's the first animal spirit I've ever come upon--  Master around anywhere's? FANSHAW    I'll take a look. DON     [off, calling] Stranger?  You lost? LEMUEL    Damn.  See if you can pick up anythin.  I'll circle round so's they cain't see I was out this way. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  Be careful, Lem.  LEMUEL    Like a cowhand in his best boots. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OFF THROUGH SNOW A1  LEM RETURNS MUSIC AMB    INSIDE.  BURDEN    [fretting] I should check on the children. RANDALL    They're fine.  Why'n't you give me a big kiss, li'l lady, while we have a chance to be on our lonesome. BURDEN    I will not. RANDALL    [snort] Won't kiss me?  You'll do more'n that 'fore we hit the trail again, and having all them children, I'll bet you know jest what I mean... BURDEN    I am a righteous woman!  You can't-- RANDALL    Righteous or not, the parts all work the same. SOUND    SLIGHT STRUGGLE SOUND    DOOR OPENS DON    What'n hell you up to, Randall?  We agreed-- RANDALL    You agreed.  I ain't had much choice. DON    If that feller walks in and sees this - RANDALL    I say we tie em both up, take what we want, and forget all this folderol. DON    Have you looked in that feller's eyes?  He ain't the kind o' man to give in, even tied up and beaten.  We gotta pull the wool over his eyes, but good.  Shh! SOUND    BOOTS UP ONTO PORCH,  STOMP OFF SNOW.  DOOR OPENS SOUND    BURDEN PULLS FREE OF RANDALL, DASHES TO LEM BURDEN    [trying badly to sound normal] Let me hep you with yer coat.  We thought you mighta got lost.  [whispered] be careful. LEMUEL    Nah, Jest took the long road back, by way of the convenience - seemed logical, since I was already out in it.  [whispered] I know. BURDEN    [normal tone, startled] You--? LEMUEL    Hold on, let me shake the snow out the door.  [whispered] I won't put you or your brood in danger if'n I can hep it. BURDEN    Thank you kindly. RANDALL    [teasing] I do believe he's trying to make time with your wife, Don. DON    Oh shut up, ya pillock.  Can we getcha anythin' else stranger? GARRETT    [coming on, yawning] Oh, boy do I feel a heap better.  How about some grub? LEMUEL    [muttered]  Damn. A2  FANSHAW AND VALOR MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    Hello?  Are you here?  Hmm.  Hey boy!  Find your master!  Can you do that? VALOR    [panting, one bark, then a slurp] FANSHAW    Good boy! A3  GARRETT MUSIC AMB    INSIDE GARRETT    Randall?  What's a'goin on? RANDALL    I spect we oughtta get you up to yer room fer the night, eh stranger? GARRETT    Randell!  Dammit!  SOUND    DOOR, FOOTSTEPS BURDEN    Pardon me, but we can't really go on calling you stranger, can we?  You're our guest now.  LEMUEL    [thinks for a moment] Lemuel Roberts. RANDELL    The Deadeye Kid? SOUND    SLAP AND DRAW LEMUEL    [quizzical] Who? GARRETT    The Deadeye Kid!  Ain't that just-- DON    Stand up and show me yer hands. SOUND    CREAK OF CHAIR, COAT BEING LIFTED DON    You never heered of the Deadeye Kid? LEMUEL    He an outlaw? GARRETT    He's a gunslinger. RANDELL    [disbelieving noise] He's just one of the meanest hombres out there.  Kilt over 30 men they say - all showdowns. LEMUEL    [chuckles] I look like that kind of feller? DON    A bit, around the eyes. GARRETT    Funny - he din't actually say he weren't the Kid.  Ask him again. DON    Well, at least you ain't strapped now.  That's fine.  Randall, you gotta jug on you? BURDEN    [gasps, then smothers it] SOUND    POP OF CORK, LIQUID POURS RANDELL    Here's hoping the snow runs away fast as a redcoat regiment. GARRETT    What's wrong?  Why won't you ask him? LEMUEL    Sounds good. SOUND    DRINKING A3  KITCHEN MUSIC AMB    INSIDE, BUT NOT THE SAME ROOM VALOR    [bark, bark] FANSHAW     [coming on]  In here?  Aha!  Sir? WILL    Who the hell are you?  Another one of my wife's men? FANSHAW    What? WILL    The way she's carrying on out there - Them fellers are just about having their way with her-- FANSHAW    "Them fellers" killed you, sir, and your good lady is in there trying to keep them from doing the same to your children. WILL    O'course you would say that - fancy pants like you, she'd be kissing your feet. FANSHAW    [long breath out]  I am going to ask you one time, sir - do you have a weapon here somewhere that might help us? WILL     Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you?  Take a man's own shotgun, poke his wife, and dance on his grave, eh?  Well, Bessie is well hidden.  You won't never find her - let the bitch and her bastard whelps die. SOUND    HARD PUNCH WILL    Hey! FANSHAW     So sorry, usually I would warn a gentleman before striking him. WILL    You bastard!  SOUND    COUPLE OF JABS FANSHAW    But since you're not a gentleman... SOUND    PUNCH WILL    [going down] Uhh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, QUICK FOOTSTEPS IN FANSHAW    Ma'am.  Ahh. [frustrated noise] SOUND    SLOWLY POURING WATER TO COVER THE SOUND OF CRYING BURDEN    [crying] FANSHAW    Oh, Madam.  I wish I could reassure you.  Lemuel is very good at what he does.  If there weren't the two of them, he'd have sorted this out long ago.  Don't cry.  If there is anything I can do - anything within my power, I -- [sigh, then annoyed]  Of course there isn't-- SOUND    FROM OFF [GARRET SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION] FANSHAW    Or is there? A4  SHUT UP SOUND    HER FOOTSTEPS TO DOOR, DOOR OPENS LEMUEL    [fading in after door opens]  --spent a few weeks in California - nothing much there, cept'n round the train tracks... GARRETT    [screaming]  What's going on?  FANSHAW    What's--?  [catching himself]  Bloody hell. GARRETT    [screaming]  This isn't funny!  Randall!  SOUND    SLAP FANSHAW    Calm down!  GARRETT    Ow! FANSHAW    Come with me, now. GARRETT    Who in blazes are you? FANSHAW    [thinks for a moment, then]  I'm the angel Gabriel.  Who the devil are you?  GARRETT    Gabriel?  But I ain't -- Oh, lord am I dead?  Shouldn't angels not be taking the devil's name in vain? FANSHAW    [arch and superior] Who do you think we should swear by?  Our lord? GARRETT    [cowed] You got yerself a point.  Sorry.  What do I do now? FANSHAW    Firstly, you be quiet, and let people think. LEMUEL    [sigh of relief] DON    That's some good stuff, ain't it? LEMUEL    Let's just say, I have a special fondness for spirits. DON    I'll drink to that. RANDALL    You reckon I should look in on Garrett? LEMUEL    Let the lady do that.  It's her job, making sure he [slight emphasis] stays alive, right? BURDEN    [distant] Yes.. DON    What's wrong with you? BURDEN    [sniff, almost in tears] It's been a trying day. DON    Women.  You get on now.  Make sure Garret's comftable. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR FANSHAW    Lem.  I expect you've noticed Garrett's dead.  I have him calmed down, but that may not last.  Do you think she'll know what to do?   LEMUEL    [muttered] She ain't screamed yet. RANDALL    What's that?  LEMUEL    Your friend must be doin all right.  Or your wife would have called for help. RANDALL    My sister.  His wife? LEMUEL    Sorry, it's late.  And that's some pow'rful strong stuff you got. FANSHAW    There's a shotgun somewhere in the house.  If I find it, can you let that poor woman know?  Her husband is - well, he - I had to "slug" him, I believe is the word. LEMUEL    Worst thing about late nights is the rambling on some folks do.  DON    What? LEMUEL    Just thinking you're good company, you two, since you understand the value of silence. FANSHAW    Very well.  [sigh]  I shall go and look for the shotgun. A5  DOGS CHOICE MUSIC VALOR    [barks] FANSHAW    Some Quakers.  Alcohol and guns.  Tsk. Tsk.  They're not even trying.  All right boy, show me where the gun is? WILL    He's my damn dog.  No way he's gonna betray me. FANSHAW    What's his name, then? WILL    Valor.  Like it matters, since he won't answer to you. FANSHAW    Valor?  Hmm.  Here boy, here Valor. VALOR    [Panting, one sharp bark.] WILL    Don't listen to him, ya damn mutt. SOUND    SCRABBLING OF CLAWS ON THE FLOOR FANSHAW    The poor little fellow looks confused.  WILL     Get over here, or I'll whup you good, and you know I will! FANSHAW    Valor.  Help me help your mistress, boy. VALOR    [two sharp barks] SOUND    DOG RUNS TO FANSHAW VALOR    [panting] FANSHAW    Good boy.  Yes, you are a good boy, aren't you? A6  FINAL FIGHT MUSIC SOUND    BABY FUSSES DON    Can't you keep that thing quiet? BURDEN    It's noisy in here.  He can't sleep. LEMUEL    If you need to absent yourself, ma'am.  I'm sure we menfolk kin do without you. RANDALL    You don't know no such thing.  Woman, sit! FANSHAW    Lem, your glass - tap it once for yes, twice for no.  Understand?   SOUND    One tap FANSHAW    Valor - the dog - showed me where the master of the house kept his shotgun.  It's behind some turnip sacks on a shelf in the cellar. SOUND    ONE TAP FANSHAW    You think you can get at it somehow? SOUND    TWO TAPS LEMUEL    Ma'am? FANSHAW    What? BURDEN    Yes, Mr. Roberts? LEMUEL    Do you have some more of this fine whiskey? BURDEN    Of course not! RANDALL    [a bit drunk] Pious mealy mouth.  We had t'bring our own, o'course. LEMUEL    Come now, ma'am.  I bet you have something a bit more powerful - say, down in the root cellar?  My momma allus used to hide hers behind some turnip sacks on a shelf. BURDEN    How do you know I have a cellar? LEMUEL    Let's jest say the spirits are calling to me. RANDALL    You don't know how true that just may be! DON    Shut it.  I don't know that we need anything more to drink.  LEMUEL    Ah, well.  Yer prob'ly wise there.  One more drink and I'll be toes up next to that fire snoring my life away, anyway. DON    Really?  [sly] See what you can find, woman. SOUND    FEET CROSS ROOM, DOOR SOUND    BABY FUSSES RANDALL    I swear'n  I'm gonna smother that critter. DON    That's no way to speak of your nephew, Randall.  [apologetic]  He's real close to toes up hisself, stranger. LEMUEL    I know that.  Mm.  One other hazard of liquor.  I think I got to find my way outside again. DON    Nonsense.  Much too cold now.  LEMUEL    When you gotta, you-- SOUND    GUN SLAPPED DOWN ON TABLE RANDALL    Man said no, Stranger. LEMUEL    a'right. GARRETT    [coming in] Gabriel?  I been saying every prayer I know, and I'm plumb bored.  Ain't no heavenly choir coming fer me, yet. FANSHAW    [sigh]  I shall check on that.  Wait in that room for me-- WILL    [coming on]  Dammit, you told that harlot where my gun is!  And who the hell are you? FANSHAW    Mr. innkeeper, this is one of the bastards who shot you and your dog.  WILL    What?  You done that? GARRETT    That ain't very angelic, Gabriel.  Besides, it was Don what actually shot him.  Oof! SOUND    PUNCH WILL    I gotta feeling I can't whale the tar out of him, though. SOUND     FIGHT CONTINUES FANSHAW    [whispered]  Garrett - perhaps I am really the devil and am damning you to be tormented  by those you wronged.  How do you like them apples? GARRETT    [grunts] LEMUEL    [laughs, turns it into a cough] DON    Where is that woman? RANDALL    [almost gone] Yeah? LEMUEL    She said she was going to the cellar. FANSHAW    I'll check. LEMUEL    She'll prob'ly be just another minute. RANDALL    I cain't wait another-- SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS, HE STUMBLES A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN FALLS TO THE FLOOR SOUND    BABY WAILS DON    Oh, god dammit. FANSHAW    Tip the table, Lem. SOUND    CREAK, SLIDE OF BASKET SOUND    BABY CRY SLIDES ALONG LEMUEL    [muttered] Thank you, I did think of that m'self.  Check the kitchen. DON    What you doing? SOUND    BABY GURGLES LEMUEL    My fault, I guess I leaned on it too hard. DON    Damn table nearly took my head off! LEMUEL    Leastways, I caught the baby. SOUND    BASKET SET ON FLOOR SOUND    BABY FUSSES SOUND    GUN DRAWN DON    Why don't you get up real slow? LEMUEL    Dammit.  SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAK SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN REAL QUIET FANSHAW    She has the gun, Lem, but I don't know if she'll use it. LEMUEL    I don't wanna hear that. DON    Who you talking to?  You that drunk? LEMUEL    Look, you kill me, then what happens?  Think about it - you got one man wounded and another drowned in corn likker.  Which one you plan to carry when you make a run fer it? DON    Who says we're going anywhere?  We dump your sorry hide outside and stay here, snug as a bug 'til the snow lets up. LEMUEL    Or til you hurt one of this woman's children. DON    Spare me.  She ain't never gonna do nothing.  Quakers don't believe in violence.  I could butcher each one of the little brats and serve 'em to her in a stew, and she'd have to take it.  [ridicule] for god. BURDEN    Stranger! DON    Huh? SOUND    METAL SLIDING ON WOOD, THE SHOTGUN SKIDS TOWARD HIM DON    You damn bitch! SOUND    GUN SHOT BURDEN    [scream] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS DON    Now you-- SOUND    SHOTGUN BLAST DON    Uh! SOUND    BODY DROP RANDALL    [bleary] Whazzat? SOUND      SHOTGUN COCKS AGAIN SOUND    DOOR OPENS BURDEN    No! LEMUEL    What? BURDEN    That man is no threat.  Get his guns, and I'll tie him up. SOUND    LEM TAKES RANDALL'S GUNS, PATS HIM DOWN LEMUEL    But he - he threatened you.  And your kids. BURDEN    I will keep him tied up until the sheriff can get to us.  That one may have been god's will, but I will not have any more killing in my home. FANSHAW    She has a great deal of conviction. SOUND    ROPES WHIPPING AROUND TO TIE UP RANDALL LEMUEL    You do realize you will be alone? BURDEN    Nonsense.  I have seven children to help me look after him. SOUND    [baby wails]  LEMUEL    Ma'am, let me do this for you then.  Let me take the body - bodies, if I'm right about the man in the back room - outside.  I'll put them in the shed, along with your husband. BURDEN    He is dead? LEMUEL    I saw his body.  And the dog.  That's what put me on my guard. BURDEN    Give me my baby and I'll leave you to your... work.  A7  DEPARTING MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, COLD, BUT NOT BLOWING SOUND    HORSES BLOW, STAMP BURDEN    Stay to the left side of the road, it's a bit higher, and not so icy. LEMUEL    Thank you, ma'am.  I hope things get better for you. BURDEN    Please don't think I cannot appreciate your help.  Though I cain't abide violence, I -[breaking] I thank ye kindly for saving my children. LEMUEL    Not to worry, ma'am.  As a man who lived by the gun, I'm... well, I'm tryin'. BURDEN    We will pray for you. CHILDREN    [assenting] SOUND    HORSES LEAVE SOUND    SLIGHTLY OFF, DOOR SHUTS FANSHAW    I say, Lemuel, how does a pious woman like that end up married to a beast like - well, you must have heard him?  LEMUEL    Heard enough.  Out here, most times it's better to have some man in the house than no man - no matter what a cuss he is. FANSHAW    Have you ever considered settling down?  A hostel like that would be quite a nice little retirement. LEMUEL    I plumb cain't see myself putting down roots.  You? RANDALL    [muffled, tied face down over a horse]  Mm? FANSHAW     I haven't any roots to put down. LEMUEL    If you did? FANSHAW    Well...  At one point, I fancied an academic seat of some sort.  Teaching, you know. RANDALL    [muffled]  If I did what? FANSHAW    Pity.  I rather hoped he would remain unconscious until we reached the sheriff. LEMUEL    If wishes were horses... FANSHAW    That kai-yote would be riding upright, instead of prone on a pack horse? LEMUEL    [chuckles] MUSIC END

Lem and Fanshaw roll into a little town just in time to stop an unjust hanging... but can they find out who truly deserves the rope?   Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw  -  J. Hoverson Sheriff Mortimer - Rick Lewis Larkey Collins - J.D. Lloyd Harp Fowler - Molly Tollefson Maddy Fowler - Krystal Baker Lute Fowler - Gene Thorkildsen Amity Fowler - Kris Keppeler Meg Pickens - Julia Lorraine Rafe Jenkins - Reynaud LeBoeuf Kentucky Pete - Sidney Williams (Fear On Demand) Jeb - Robyn Paterson (Kung Fu Action Theatre) Gabby, dead drunk - Sean Connor Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Cover Photo:  Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell...?" ******************************************************************** A HANGING AT PICKENS ROCK Cast: [credits/olivia] Lemuel Roberts, the Deadeye kid Clarence Fanshaw Lute Fowler, accused murderer Harp Fowler, 11 Madrigal "Maddy" Fowler, 7 Amity Fowler, dead mother Rafe Jenkins, victim Sheriff Mortimer Larky Collins, henchman Meg Pickens, Rafe's fiancee Kentucky Pete, Gambler Gabby, town drunk OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell?  1_ARRIVING MUSIC SOUND    EARLY MORNING NOISE, WOODS, TWO HORSES AMBLING FANSHAW    So many things I miss - out in the wilderness like this. LEMUEL    What?  You got air and water.  Freedom.  What else you need? FANSHAW    [longing] Tea.  LEMUEL    There's tea all over.  But you cain't even-- FANSHAW    It's not the drink itself, it's the act - the ceremony, if you will, of taking tea.  Tea and crumpets.  LEMUEL    What on god's green earth is a crumpet? FANSHAW    It's a... a... rather like a muffin, but more... refined.  LEMUEL    So you want boiled leaves and a refined muffin?  Next town we roll into, I'll make sure and rustle y'up some. FANSHAW    You don't understand.  Tea is a symbol.  Sitting down to tea with someone - it represents refinement.  Civilization. SOUND    CREAK OF SIGN HUNG FROM TREE LEMUEL    Speakin o' civilization-- FANSHAW    [sarcastic]  Ah.  Yes.  I'm certain any town out here will be chock-a-block with tea and crumpets. LEMUEL    "Pickens Rock".  Makes me think of... FANSHAW    Slim pickings? LEMUEL    [agreeing] I reckon. 2  TOWN MUSIC SOUND    SLOW HOOFBEATS ON HARDPACK.  SLIGHT ECHO, EMPTINESS FANSHAW    Slim pickings, indeed.  No one appears to be in residence. LEMUEL    Don't look abandoned, though.  Ev'thing's shut up tight.  Mebbe there's a county fair or sumpin? FANSHAW    Possible, yes.  Oh, there's someone-- LEMUEL    Sir? GABBY    [drunk and confused]  Whaa-a-at? LEMUEL    I'm shore sorry to bother you, feller, but-- GABBY    h-h-hh- who are you? LEMUEL    --where is ev'body? GABBY    They's a-a-a-all just gone off to the hangin.  Who a-a-are y'all? LEMUEL    Which way?  [prompting] To the hangin'? GABBY    Follow the rud, as you're goin.  At the fork, take a-a-a-a left.  You'll hear 'em by then.  They's mighty worked up. FANSHAW    Lemuel, what are you thinking? LEMUEL    Tell me, old feller - who they fixing to set dancin? GABBY    Nice boy, thaa-a-at Lute Fowler.  Never woulda pegged him for a-a-a drygulcher. LEMUEL    Figgers.  We never end up nowhere, but they's an emergency awaitin us.  Come on.  [clicks to the horses] SOUND    HOOVES TAKE OFF FANSHAW    [calling back] Thank you very much! GABBY    [calling] D-d-d-ont mention it! 3  CROWD MUSIC SOUND    ANGRY CROWD SOUND    HOOVES APPROACH LEMUEL    Whoa, there. SOUND     HORSES PULL UP SHORT.  CROWD     QUIETS, THEN BUZZ STARTS FANSHAW    I can't wait to hear this. LEMUEL    [through gritted teeth] Shut up.  [voice raised]  I hear there's fixin to be a hangin? CROWD    BUZZ SHERIFF    [off, yelling]  Who's askin? LEMUEL    Y'ever hear of the Texas Rangers? CROWD    BUZZ!!!!! SOUND    PEOPLE MOVE, FEET APPROACH SHERIFF    [Coming on, suppressed fury, trying to be civil]  Well, now.  This is strictly local business.  We don't need no help.  But I do thank you for looking in on us. LEMUEL     That feller on the horse?  He's your - uh - SHERIFF    Duly tried and convicted murderer. LEMUEL    Lucky town, to have a judge handy. CROWD    BUZZ of MISGIVING LARKY    Well, we don't-- SHERIFF    Put a bit in it, Larky.  We didn't need no judge, ranger.  We got ourselves a confession. LUTE    [yelling, very hoarse] I never did-- [gulp as noose is tightened] HARP and MADDY    [scream and cry] LEMUEL    Funny.  That sounds like a denial t'me.  You do realize that without a judgment from a legal court o' law, this ain't no execution, it's a murder. CROWD    BUZZ, STARTING TO FALL APART. FANSHAW    Is it?  SHERIFF    I'm the law in this here town, friend.  I don't take kindly to you walkin in here and trying to cause a commotion. LEMUEL    I ain't tryin to do nothin of the sort, Sheriff.  I just don't want to see a lawman like yerself let hisself get swept up by a mob and, uh-- FANSHAW    --be forced to condone an injustice? LEMUEL    --be forced to condone an injustice.  I know how tetchy a mob can be, and I cain't rightly blame you for not wantin a try and face 'em down - but with me at your side, I reckon we could stand. SHERIFF    [furious, but trying to stay jovial]  Well, now.  I guess I'll thank you very kindly, and..... [long breath, calming self, then turns away to call out]  Good people!  As I have long maintained, we must wait for the proper authority to conduct this properly.  We'll keep Lute Fowler locked up in jail until the circuit judge comes through next month - just as we shoulda done from the start.  [back]  Larky, go get that - gentlemen - down and back to the jail. LEMUEL    That's right big of you, Sheriff.  Now I'd be mighty honored to help you with any little thing you might need, seeing as I'm in town for a while. SHERIFF    For a while?  How long? LEMUEL    Don' rightly know.  Depends on how long it takes me to find what I'm looking for. SHERIFF    What's that? LEMUEL    'fficial business.  Caint go into it. SHERIFF    Very well, then.  I've got to get back to town, see this varmint locked up tight.  [grits teeth]  Again.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY FANSHAW    A Ranger?  You've never--? LEMUEL    Never said I was - just ast if they'd heered of 'em. FANSHAW    What happens when they demand to see your credentials?  I somehow think that things are not so different over here -  impersonating an official is bound to get you into hot water. LEMUEL    I'll cross that bridge when I get there-- HARP    Mister? LEMUEL    What?  Oh, hello l'il pardner.  Didn't I see you standin up front--? HARP    You saved my pa, din't you? MADDY    [yes] Uh-huh! LEMUEL    Now, I just saw that justice is done proper-like.  If he's proven guilty, then he deserves-- HARP    He din't do none of this. MADDY    [no] Uh-uh. LEMUEL    Do either of you gotta name? [teasing] or any manners? HARP    Sorry, sir.  We's just real upset, y'unnerstand?  I'm Harp Fowler, and this is my little sister Maddy - Madrigal. LEMUEL    Well, I tell you what, Harp.  And Maddy.  I promise I will look into the case.  That's all.  If your pa's innocent, then I'll find it out.  All right? HARP    I reckon.  Well, if you need any help or anything, you can find me at the Lazy H ranch, up Blackbird Gulch.  I can shoot a gun! LEMUEL    I'll keep that in mind.  Y'all get on now. FANSHAW    [musing] Harp, Lute, and Madrigal?  What would they have named the next child? MADDY    Viola if twas a girl.  Fortay for a boy.  That's what mama always says. HARP    [annoyed] Oh, c'mon. SOUND    SMALL FEET WALK AWAY FANSHAW    [shocked] I... say. LEMUEL    What? FANSHAW    That child - the little girl.  She's...  she spoke to me.  She heard me. LEMUEL    [sorry for the kid] Damn.  4  SCENE OF THE CRIME MUSIC SOUND    FEET ON ROUGH GROUND LARKY    Just about here, I spect.  LEMUEL    Thankee kindly. LARKY    Whatchoo specting a find?  Lute kilt the Jenkins boy nigh on a week ago, and it's rained since. RAFE    Hello?  You lookin fer me? LEMUEL    Jest tryin to get a feel fer whut happened.  [beat] I kin find my own way back to town. LARKY    I'd be right pleased to get a chance to observe a real Ranger at work.  I won't make no bother.  LEMUEL    [reluctant]  Fine. RAFE    Hey, I'm over here. FANSHAW    [whisper] Keep him busy.  I'll see what I can find out. LEMUEL    [thinks, then] Where'd you say you thought the shooter was? RAFE    Shooter?  What shooter? LARKY    Up thissaway. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OFF RAFE    [calling] Hey!  Fellers! FANSHAW    Hold on there. RAFE    What you want?  FANSHAW    My apologies sir, but I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you.  RAFE    Why you talk like that? FANSHAW     There's no kind way to say this.  [sigh]  I'm afraid you are dead. RAFE    Dead?  What're you, then, an ayngel? FANSHAW    Oh!  No.  We - that gentleman over there and I - are trying to find out what happened to you. RAFE    How come he ain't askin me hisself? FANSHAW    Well, he would - but that fellow with the colorful name "Larky" would probably find it odd. RAFE    I... guess I see.  Tsch.  Dunno what I can tell you - I guess I really didn't even ... yet... FANSHAW    Realize that you're dead?  It's not uncommon, I fear. 5  OUTHOUSE MUSIC SOUND    WOODEN DOOR SWINGS SHUT LEMUEL    [quiet]  Where in hell are you, Fanshaw? FANSHAW    [shocked, muffled] Lemuel!  Don't you prefer some privacy? LEMUEL    [quiet] Consarn it, ya ninny.  That Larky is on me like a tick on a tinhorn.  I figgured this is the only way to get out from under him. FANSHAW    Well, I hope it's a two-seater.  [coming on]  Rafe didn't see anything - he was ambushed.  Shot in the back. LEMUEL    I got sumpin more important.  This. SOUND    SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF A POCKET FANSHAW    A badge? LEMUEL    A ranger's badge, and I surely didn't whittle it myself.  Someone slipped it inta my pocket.  I'm thinkin it musta been in that crowd at the hangin - only time anyone but Larky's been near enough.  Don't reckon you saw nothin'? FANSHAW    Terribly sorry, but no.  No one that stood out. LEMUEL    Seems the coach line here sees enough traffic that there's more'n a few strangers in town.  I couldn't poke much more'n that. FANSHAW    But who could have given that to you, and why? LEMUEL    How's this fer a guess - there's a ranger, here in town, and he don't want no one to know who he is. FANSHAW    But to give his badge away? LEMUEL    I'm figgurin he 'preciated my stoppin the hangin and dint want them fellers to find out I weren't no ranger and start the whole thing up again.  Jest acause he's hidin out don't mean he thinks we don't need no ranger in town. FANSHAW    [slight exasperatd sigh] Perhaps if you could get away from this Larky fellow, the real ranger would make himself known to you. LEMUEL    I'll see what I can do. 6  BRIGHT AND EARLY MUSIC SOUND    WINDOW SLIDES UP, CIGARETTE LIT AMBIANCE    EARLY MORNING NOISES LEMUEL    [blows out a long breath] SOUND    SOFT RAPPING AT THE DOOR SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS, A COUPLE OF BARE FOOTSTEPS, A GUN SNATCHED UP OFF A TABLE LEMUEL    [quiet] Yup? HARP    [whispered through door]  I needs to talk to you, Ranger. LEMUEL    [not quite being funny] You strapped? MADDY    [muffled giggle, through door] HARP    Shh.  [very serious]  Nope.  I come peaceable.  LEMUEL    All right then.  Come on. SOUND    DOOR OPENS CAREFULLY AND QUIETLY, SMALL FOOTSTEPS ENTER, DOOR SHUTS AMITY    Thank you kindly, sir. LEMUEL    [a bit surprised] Um.  Y'all have a seat? SOUND    CREAK OF WOOD HARP    You rangers see a lot of strange stuff, dontcha? LEMUEL    Strange how? HARP    My sister is a might tetched. MADDY    I ain't. HARP    She ain't rightly crazy, just thinks she sees folks as has gone and passed away.  MADDY    Where's your friend? LEMUEL    He- he'll be-- HARP     [to Maddy] Oh, hush.  Men're talkin' here. AMITY    They grow up so fast. LEMUEL    One thing rangers always do, fella, is get to the point.  You can't shock me, so come on. HARP    My sister says our dead momma is following us around to look after us [clears his throat as he tries to avoid breaking into tears] while our pa is in the hoosegow.  AMITY    I really tried to teach them to speak better, sir.  HARP    Maddy also says-- MADDY    There he is! FANSHAW    Is... this a party? LEMUEL    Ah, hell.  [comes to a decision]  Look, I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, but you can't let no one else hear this.  Swear? HARP    On my mama's grave. MADDY    That's not fair - she's right here. AMITY    It's all right, sweetheart.  You promise too. MADDY    All right, I promise too. LEMUEL    We gotta talk quiet.  Make sure no one hears. HARP    [avid]  All right! LEMUEL    I ain't never told no one alive what I'm about to tell you, and I can offer you proof, afore you go off thinkin I'm foolin wit'cha, here. HARP    I'ud never think you'us foolin. LEMUEL    Firstly, I ain't a real ranger.  It was the only thing I could think of t'say t'stop the hangin.  See, I'm being plumb truthful here, now. HARP    [hopes dashed] Not a ranger? LEMUEL    Sorry, son, I'm just plain Lemuel Roberts - retired gunslinger.  FANSHAW    He used to be the Deadeye Kid. MADDY    You were the Deadeye Kid? HARP    How you know that? LEMUEL    My pal Fanshaw just told her. HARP    Who?  What's agoin on? LEMUEL    Lissen t'me, your sister aint tetched a'tall. She's ... like me.  Whether it's a blessin or a curse, we both see and hear "them as has passed on". HARP    'Zat mean our mama's truly here? LEMUEL    Is your mother a tall woman with big hands, a long plain face and a real sweet smile? HARP    [suddenly a small child] Momma? AMITY    I'm always with them both.  But Maddy will have to be the one to speak fer me. LEMUEL    Ma'am.  I spect you know there's a reason you're here? AMITY    Doesn't everyone remain after their clay has returned to dust? LEMUEL    I reckon the world would be an awful crowded place if t'were the case.  I found it's mostly just them with unfinished business that stay tethered.  AMITY    And my business--? FANSHAW    If I ain't mistaken, ma'am, they's sittin right here. AMITY    [laughs]  You're a very perceptive man. MADDY    [yes] Uh-huh! HARP    [sniffles, then gets down to brass tacks] So my sister ain't crazy.  Well, that's right fine, but howzit gonna help clear our pa? AMITY    He didn't do it, you know.  I was with him all night, as I always am, but I doubt I could be very credible as a witness. LEMUEL    [mildly amused] No, ma'am.  Spect not.  Harp, from everything I've heard, your pa's innocent, but I'm better off trying to find out who done it than trying to prove he din't.  What you know that I might not'a heard yet? HARP    Well, Rafe was dry-gulched around dusk, six days back.  My dad was at home.  LEMUEL    Why'ud the sheriff think your pa'ud done it? HARP    He wooden! MADDY    They's all sayin pa kilt Rafe cause Rafe assid--  assud-- AMITY    Accidentally. MADDY    Assidentally kilt our ma.  His cart run her down when he lost control o' his team.  AMITY    It was an accident, and Maddy and I have assured Lute of that, best we could.  Even if I didn't already know where he was all night long, he would never have hurt that poor boy. HARP    I believe Maddy.  And... and [almost breaking up] ma. LEMUEL    [sincere] Faith is a grand thing, son.  Don't you never lose it. HARP    Faith ain't gonna hep save our pa.  What can we do to hep you? LEMUEL    Is there anyone else in town might have a grudge against this fella Rafe? HARP    Nope.  He'us a nice feller.  His folks got the big spread up to the plateau. LEMUEL    Any other kin likely to get money if'n he died? HARP    I don't rightly know - reckon his folks are well off, and he got him four brothers, but they're all regular church-going folks - none'a them'ud do that. AMITY    [whispering] tell them about Meg. MADDY    Rafe was courting Meg Pickens.  Her folks own half the town.  [whispering] I saw 'em kissin once. HARP    Ew.  LEMUEL    And someone shot this poor feller, who everyone liked, in the back. 7  MEG MUSIC AMBIANCE    BUSY WESTERN STREET SOUND    BOOTS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK LEMUEL      [talking low] Looks like I need to scout the road out of town, figger out where they plan their ambuscade. FANSHAW     Ambuscade?  I'm impressed. LEMUEL    Pshaw.  I was thinkin-- MEG    [challenging]  Are you the Ranger? LEMUEL    [sigh] I spect I'm the one you're lookin fer.  And you are? FANSHAW    She appears to be in mourning - did Rafe have any sisters? MEG    I'm Meg Pickens, and you're the one who stopped the hanging of the ki-yote who killed my ...  [breaking a bit]  my beau. FANSHAW    Ah, the sweetheart. LEMUEL    You so sure Lute'us the right man?  I hate to orphan no children without being dead certain. MEG    Everyone knows he did it - he blamed Rafe for the accident that took his Amity! LEMUEL    Lute's children said he never spoke a harsh word agin the boy. MEG    Of course they'ud say that. LEMUEL    Now, miss, I won't never say that children ain't known to lie from time to time, but they don't, if y'understand, always know what lies t'tell.  MEG    I don't take your point--. LEMUEL    If'n I ast them if their pa killed the man, shore they'd say no, cause even if'n it was true, they'd know that was the right lie to tell.  But I ast if their pa ever had harsh words agin your feller, and they said no - he was powerful torn up over their ma's passin, and was angry the boy lost control, but he never said it were no one's fault but providence. MEG    [softening] He never did? FANSHAW    Nottingham approacheth. LEMUEL    Eh? FANSHAW    My apologies - the sheriff. SOUND    BOOTS ON WOOD SHERIFF    [coming on] Ah, Ranger.  [smarm] Meg, my dearest girl.  You know I have nothing but sympathy for your loss. FANSHAW    Nothing?  The old letcher, he's practically salivating. MEG    Thank you kindly, sheriff Mortimer. SHERIFF    Can't you call me Henry? FANSHAW    It's rather like a wolf and a lamb. MEG    [disturbed] It really isn't appropriate, Sheriff.  I -- I just have... so much respect for your office. LEMUEL    I was just explaining to [slight emphasis] Miss Pickens here that I am just as het to see Rafe Jenkins' killer hung as anyone, but the law allows every man a proper trial, and you and I both, we're sworn to that law. SHERIFF    [nearly a growl] O'course.  Nothin's more important than the law. LEMUEL    Yep. MADDY    [off]  Psst. FANSHAW    What?  Oh.  I'll see what she wants. SHERIFF    Whuzzat?  Oh, the brat-- [grinds out] little Fowler child. MEG    I do feel sorry fer her.  If her father's a murderer and all. SHERIFF    If?  [anger rising] If?  A'course he's a murderer.  I wooden'a put him away if'n he weren't! SOUND    LITTLE FEET RUN AWAY MEG    [gasp, afraid] Sir!  Sheriff!  I understand you feel strongly about this-- SHERIFF    I'm shore sorry to let you see me in a pet like that.  [deep breath]  Last thing I'd ever want to do is show you the rough edge of my temper, Meg. LEMUEL    Sheriff, I'll take my leave, if'n you don't mind.  [goodbye] Miss Pickens. SOUND    BOOTS ON WOOD FANSHAW    You shouldn't leave her alone with him. LEMUEL    I wooden if they'us inside, but there's folks out and about here.  FANSHAW    That look in his eye - I would swear he's barely human. LEMUEL    Ayep.  You thinkin we just mighta seen the start of all this ruckus? FANSHAW    The sheriff?  You think he--?  Over the girl--?  Oh.  That is a sticky wicket, indeed. 8  SALOON MUSIC AMBIANCE    SALOON SOUND    BOOTS APPROACH MEN AT TABLE SHERIFF    Gimme three. SOUND    CARDS BEING DEALT KENTUCKY     And you? LARKY    Nothin' - no, wait.  Uh, one. SOUND    CARDS LEMUEL    Sorry, I thought this was dinner. SHERIFF    Will be shortly, Ranger.  Care to sit in for a coupla hands? LEMUEL    Don't mind if I do.  SOUND    SCRAPE OF CHAIR KENTUCKY    We'll just finish here first.  Won't be long.  Call? SHERIFF    Three tens. LARKY    Damn. SOUND    CARDS TOSSED DOWN OTHER MEN    [grumbling] SOUND    MORE CARDS, COINS, ETC. SHERIFF    And you, Kentucky? KENTUCKY    [sucks his teeth, then] Weeellll.  I've got two Jacks. SHERIFF    [chuckles avariciously] KENTUCKY    And three queens. SOUND    CARDS LAID DOWN SLOW AND TRIUMPHANT SHERIFF    What?  LEMUEL    I believe that makes a full house. SHERIFF    [furious!]  Cheater!  Sharp! KENTUCKY    I did not--! SOUND    TABLE FLIPS, CARDS, MONEY, GLASSES, FALL TO FLOOR SHERIFF    We don't hold with cheatin in this here town! KENTUCKY    I assure you-- SOUND    PUNCH, THEN A GRAB, and a SWING THAT MISSES LEMUEL    Sheriff, I reckon you need ta calm down.  SHERIFF    [spluttering]  That bastard--! LEMUEL    Larky, take your boss here and get him a shotta whiskey - I'll search this feller, and if he's holdin out, well then I'll arrest him. LARKY    [trying to be brave, but frightened] C'mon boss. LEMUEL    Up you come.  [grunts as he helps K up] KENTUCKY    [groans]  I think he broke my nose. LEMUEL     [amused] Musta been a good pot. KENTUCKY    Not more than ten dollars.  [long juicy sniff, grunt of pain]  You that ranger? LEMUEL    That's got around, eh? KENTUCKY    Hard not to, town like this.  I assure you, sir, I was not cheating.  Frankly, it's hardly necessary against players who... well, aren't particularly skilled. SOUND    RUSTLE OF CLOTHING LEMUEL    I'll check your sleeves and pockets anyway, just so's they don't think you're talkin your way past me. KENTUCKY    I appreciate that. SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHING, PAT ON THE BACK LEMUEL    Well, that's it - nothin.  Now I'll go see if the Sheriff's still colicky.  I'm thinkin you should get while the gettin's good.  SOUND    DRINK POURED, GULPED [SHER], GLASS SLAMMED DOWN ON BAR LARKY    Boss!  He's comin. SHERIFF    [slurry drunk] I'm gon kill him.  Ranger or not, he'll still bleed red. LARKY    Shh.  Only works if he don' know it's comin.  [up] Ranger!  You let him go? SHERIFF    What? SOUND    SCUFFLE AS SHERIFF TURNS FROM THE BAR AND ALMOST FALLS LEMUEL    He wasn't holdin.  I convinced him to take his stake and go.  You'n yer men can go and collect your own - it's all still there on the floor. FANSHAW    Lem, that sheriff person is making no secret of his plans to assassinate you. LEMUEL    [accepting] Mm.  [up to the men] I'm thinkin I'll grab some grub and turn in - even rangers can only take so much excitement in a day. SHERIFF    [dark] Reckon so.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS AWAY LARKY    Not in the hotel, boss.  SHERIFF    [snarls] How dare you? LARKY    Sir, I mean - woodenit be better to get him on his way outta town?  Then everyone'll know he was fine when he left - won't blame you - I mean, us.  SHERIFF    [grunt] FANSHAW    Despicable blackguards. 9  SHERIFF'S OFFICE MUSIC AMBIANCE      WESTERN STREET, MORNING SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK, SOUND     SECOND PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS TROT UP LARKY    [coming on, puffing a bit]  Hey, ranger! LEMUEL    [muttered] Ah hell. LARKY     You headin to Sheriff's office?  Me too.  Messenger just come in, said the circuit judge'll be here two-three days at the outside.  Good news eh?  Lute can have his trial, then I reckon the town can have its hangin. LEMUEL    [muttered] Consarn it. LARKY    Whassat? LEMUEL    Come on. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WALK INTO OFFICE LARKY     Hey Jeb!  Sheriff in? JEB    Uh, no - he's off to look on on Meg Pickens.  He said he's worried cause her folks are away. FANSHAW    Oh, that's not good.  That young lady will be defenseless. LEMUEL    [snort of agreement, trying hard not to sound anxious]  How long ago did he leave?  We might could catch him up? JEB    Oh, round half hour ago, but I figgered he'd stop home to, uh, spruce hisself up a bit.  He's plumb sweet on that li'l lady. LARKY     That he is. LEMUEL    Larky, you kin show me how to head him off? LARKY     Cain't it wait til tomorra?  I sorely doubt that this would be a good time t'interupt him.  LEMUEL    I - I found sumpin he needs to see.  It'd prove Lute's case. LARKY     Hmm.  Sheriff'll be happy to hear that.  Make the judge's job real easy. LEMUEL    [level but forced] Get me to him. A1  RIDING OUT MUSIC SOUND    HOOFBEATS, TROTTING LARKY     He ain't gon' thank you, and he ain't gon' be best pleased with me, neither. LEMUEL    I don't care a whit for whether he's pleased or not.  Whoa! SOUND    HORSES PULL UP LARKY     What? LEMUEL    Whassat? LARKY     Where? LEMUEL    [irritated] Over there.  Lean this way.  See?  SOUND    THUMP ON HEAD LARKY     augh! SOUND    BODY SLOWLY LOWERED OFF HORSE TO GROUND, CRUNCHES ON GRASS LEMUEL    Cain't have you behind me Larky, old hoss.  FANSHAW    Leveled the playing field, I see.  You should take his horse - in case he recovers quickly. LEMUEL    Thick skull like that, he jest might. A2  SHOWDOWN_1 MUSIC SOUND    HOOVES, WALKING SOUND    HOOVES APPROACH QUICKLY LEMUEL    [coming on]  Sheriff! SHERIFF    What the blue blazes?  You?  What in hell do you want? SOUND    SECOND PAIR OF HOOVES SLOWS LEMUEL    Lute Fowler's escaped! SHERIFF    What! SOUND    HORSE REINS UP, SECOND HORSE REINS TOO SHERIFF    That sheep-loving son of a bitch!  I knew he'd try somethin. LEMUEL    I figgured this'd be worth trackin you down for.  I got a hunch tells me where he might go, as well. SHERIFF    Really?  LEMUEL    You and me, we can take him down. SHERIFF    [evil realization]  You and me?  Ye-e-e-es. MUSIC SOUND    HORSES SLOW, THEN STOP LEMUEL    We'll have to leave the horses.  Cain't let him hear us. SHERIFF    [sly] Course not. SOUND    CREAKS AS THEY DISMOUNT SHERIFF    Show the way. LEMUEL    Stay here fr'a minute. SOUND    RUNS OFF THROUGH BUSHES SHERIFF    [fading off] Whatever you say, [dangerous] ranger. FANSHAW    Maddy told me of a big rock just over that rise.  Quickly now - you'll want cover.  He's rather agitated. LEMUEL    [snort]  SOUND    BUSHWHACKING STOPS LEMUEL    [calling]  Lute?  Lute Fowler? SHERIFF    [off, deliberately calling weakly] He there? You hear him? SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH BUSHES LEMUEL    Shh! FANSHAW    He's closing on you.  He moves awfully quietly for a big man. SHERIFF    [almost a whisper, trying to sound farther away than he is]  Ranger? FANSHAW    Are you going to shoot him? LEMUEL    I - No. FANSHAW    What? SOUND    MOVEMENT STOPS, THEN SUDDEN NOISE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE THE SHERIFF LEMUEL    Y'coverin me, or fixin to shoot me in the back, Sheriff? SHERIFF    [tries to laugh it off] Lute's a desperate man.  Surprised you're still in leather. LEMUEL    Lute ain't here.  It's jest you and me. SHERIFF    Eh?  If you're plannin to plant me, boy, you shoulda thought twice.  Only gun to hand right now is mine. SOUND    TWO STEPS FORWARD LEMUEL    [calm and even] I see that.  And I know you can shoot a man in the back.  But that - uh - shake t'yer hand says maybe you cain't look me in the face and do it. SHERIFF    I can do anything I please.  No one'll even ask once you're gone. LEMUEL    Oh, there's a couple.  You think any ranger'd be fool enough to come out here without a man t'watch his back? SHERIFF    What I've seen from you, I ain't much impressed with rangers. LEMUEL    Huh.  Well you gonna shoot me or what? SHERIFF    I... will.  You gonna give me a reason? LEMUEL    Nope.  I'm figgurin you'll show yellow til you get riled 'nuff.  So I don' plan to rile you none. SHERIFF    [flash of anger] Yellow? LEMUEL    Rafe'us unarmed, barely old enough t'shave, and still you hadta shoot him in the back.  That says yellow louder than-- SHERIFF    [screaming]  Yellow!  I'm the damn sheriff!  The Sheriff I tell you! HARP    [screams from off]  Sheriff! SOUND    GUNSHOT GOES WILD SOUND    BODY HITS GROUND, ROLLS A BIT FANSHAW    Lemuel?  Lemuel? SOUND    GUNSHOT FROM FAR AWAY SHERIFF    Argh! A3 SHOWDOWN 2 LEMUEL    [spitting gravel, annoyed]  I'm fine. SOUND    BODY HITS GROUND FANSHAW    But that shot? LEMUEL    Well I was biting dirt, so I din't rightly see. HARP    Ranger!  Get up!  He's a-coming! SOUND    SLOW FOOSTEPS ACROSS HARD GROUND SOUND    SCUFFLE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE NEWCOMER LEMUEL    Well.  You do have a thick skull, don'tcha? SOUND    A COUPLE MORE SLOW STEPS, THEN LARKY    [chuckles, then sounding a lot less stupid and rough than before]  Good thing too.  You pack a wallop. FANSHAW    The sheriff is still breathing. LEMUEL    What happens now? LARKY    You hit the ground pretty hard.  Need a hand up?  LEMUEL    [beat] I - I'm a mite confused now. LARKY    I think you have something of mine. LEMUEL    What? SOUND    RUNNING FEET APPROACH HARP    You stop right there, Larky!  SOUND    COCKING OF HAMMER ON GUN LEMUEL    [getting it] I - I think it's all right Harp.  Slowly now, let that hammer down. HARP    But he's one o' them that railroaded my pa! LARKY    I'm truly not-- LEMUEL    Harp, don't be loco.  He's the one goes with this-- SOUND    SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF POCKET LEMUEL    Ain't you, Ranger Larky? A4 RANGER MUSIC AMBIANCE    BACK IN THE HOTEL LARKY    You understand why I couldn't do anything - if I came forward, I would have wasted months of work, getting myself next to the Sheriff.  But-- LEMUEL    I still don't see-- LARKY    Hold on!  I swear to you, though, I would not have let Lute Fowler get hung just to keep my cover.  You came in at the nick of time. LEMUEL    Reckon we're even now.  LARKY    Reckon we are.  So where you off to? LEMUEL    Spect I don' know no more 'bout that than you do.  I jest... drift.  LARKY    Ever consider takin up the star? LEMUEL    [surprised] Me?  A ranger?  I don' think so. LARKY    And why not?  Takes grit, and you have that by the cartload. LEMUEL    I don't reckon I'd take to havin t'answer t'anyone.  LARKY    [chuckles] None o'us do.  But it ain't so bad when it means you got someone at yer back.  [long beat]  You'll let me know if'n you change yer mind? LEMUEL    You'll be the first. A5 TEA  MUSIC SOUND     PACKING THINGS INTO A RUCKSACK AS LEM TALKS LEMUEL    Now you don' forget-- MADDY    I don't never talk to no one in public less'n my brother talks to 'em first. LEMUEL    Yup.  And? MADDY    And if anyone catches me talkin to myself, I says I'm tryin to recall my lessons, and not that I's talking to dead folks. LEMUEL    That'll take you far.  You be careful, now. AMITY    Don't forget what you brought. LEMUEL    And what's 'at? MADDY    [remembering] Oh!  [grunt as she moves something heavy] SOUND    BASKET SET ON TABLE, CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL    What... is it? MADDY    You sit on down, now.  Where's Mr. Fanshaw? SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL    [calling] Fanshaw! FANSHAW    [off, coming on] Eh?  What? SOUND    THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF THE BASKET AND SET ON THE TABLE MADDY    You sit rightchere. AMITY    [promptin] On my left. MADDY    [importantly] On my left. FANSHAW    [slowly realizing] Oh! LEMUEL    What? MADDY    Mama, you'll have a seat on my right? AMITY     Thank you kindly. SOUND    CLATTER OF PORCELAIN LEMUEL    Will someone please explain? MADDY    Would you like one lump or two, Mr. Lemuel? AMITY    [prompting] Mr. Roberts. MADDY    Mr. Roberts. LEMUEL    One lump of what?  I hate to tell you, child, but them plates and bowls is all empty. FANSHAW    [prompting] That's not the point, Lem.  Say One lump, no milk. LEMUEL    I ain't sayin-- aw, heck.  One lump no milk. SOUND    RATTLE OF PORCELAIN, CHING OF METAL ON CUP MADDY    And you, Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Oh, I would simply adore two lumps, and just the slightest bit of milk.  And are these biscuits? MADDY    No.  They's cookies.  I made 'em my self. FANSHAW    Well, they look delicious.  May I? MADDY    [giggles] You go on ahead now.  They's plenty where that come from. LEMUEL    But there ain't--  What is it?  What is all this folderol? FANSHAW    Why Lem, it's -- tea! MUSIC END

When reformed gunslinger Lemual Roberts (formerly the Deadeye Kid) and his sidekick, British travel writer Clarence Fanshaw, roll into town, things sometimes get a bit... spirited.... But sorting out a feud in Ozark hill country might be more than they can handle.  Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Sheriff Nell - Hillary Dixon Bartender - Joel Harvey     DRUMMONDS Eb Drummond - Dan Conklin Jake Drummond - Jake Stratton     TARBOXES Abner Tarbox - Bill Hollweg (of Brokensea Audio) Hap Tarbox - Reynaud LeBoeuf Marilee Tarbox - Beverly Poole Jenfaire Tarbox - Jody Montague Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Cover Photo:  Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's hill country somewhere in the Old West..." ********************************************************************** THE DEADEYE KID Cast: Olivia Lemuel Roberts (Deadeye Kid), retired gun, seen it all Clarence Fanshaw, British writer, highfaluting Hap Tarbox, last of the Tarboxes Jake Drummond, last of the Drummonds Marilee Tarbox, cause of the feud Jenfaire Tarbox, Marilee's sister Abner Tarbox, "old man" of the Tarboxes Eb Drummond, old and more than a might tetched Barkeep Sheriff Nell Milford - ex-schoolmarm, talks purty. OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's an Ozark cart-road, can't you tell?  WESTERN MUSIC AMBIANCE     DAYTIME WOODS - BIRDS, ETC. SOUND    HOOF BEATS - TWO HORSES LEM    Tell me again why you wanted to come on up here? FANSHAW    I've told you a dozen times already, old chap. LEM    Keep tellin' me and might could I'll believe it some time. FANSHAW    [chuckle]  I am fascinated by the impact of emigrant culture into the Americas.  This particular area of the Ozark Mountain Range was heavily influenced by the Scottish who came here over the years. LEM    I never heered no one from hereabouts sounding Scotch. FANSHAW    Not surprising, my good man - Scotch is a whiskey.  Scottish is an accent. [chuckles] LEM    [disgusted] I reckon. FANSHAW    And you see, this area is most commonly known for carrying over the Scottish concept of the feud. LEM    Well, I guess I did know that. FANSHAW    Some feuds in Scotland went on for generations - long after everyone had forgotten the root cause of the conflict. LEM    Yup. FANSHAW    And this area is so isolated, nothing will have changed much for - oh, 200 years.  It's like a window into the past. LEM    Speaking of holdin' grudges, Fanshaw, You might not want to say too much - folks round here might still be smartin' from that little dustup with your folks. FANSHAW    My folks? LEM    You know, hunnert-some years back? FANSHAW    Hundred?  Oh!  Oh, yes.  I take your point, Lemuel.  Yes.  I shall keep mum, then, until we have tested the waters, so to speak, and understand the local population a mite better. LEM    Long as you keep shet, I reckon we'll do fine. SOUND    JUST THE HORSES FOR A MOMENT SOUND    GUNSHOT ABNER    Stop right there! SOUND    HORSES PULL UP LEM    [resigned] Don' want no trouble, podner. ABNER    You one o' them? LEM    Don' even know who them is. ABNER    [hatred oozing]  Them Drummonds? LEM    Not no Drummond.  Don' know no Drummonds.  Jest passin' through.  Name's Lemuel Roberts. ABNER    Roberts?  You the Deadeye Kid? LEM    [sigh, weary]  Used t'be.  I's retired. ABNER    But you don't stand with them Drummonds? LEM    I stand pretty much as you see me. ABNER    [thinks a moment]  You's s'posed to be mighty good with a shootin' iron - any chance you'd like a job? LEM    I don' take sides. ABNER    It wooden take long.  You and me, we cud end this hyear thing once and fer all. LEM    [sigh] I ain't a shootist no more.  Fight yer own battles.  SOUND    HOOVES, CONTINUING UNTIL STOPPED FANSHAW    [whispered] I say, what if he shoots you in the back? LEM    [snort] Won't make no never mind.  He ain't no danger. FANSHAW    [realizing something]  Oh!  [beat]  I'm always surprised that you see things like that so much more clearly than I. LEM    Yep.  [dry sarcasm]  I'm the lucky one. MUSIC AMBIANCE    WESTERN TOWN SOUND    ONE SET OF BOOTS ON WOOD SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, BOOTS STOP AMBIANCE    SALOON PEOPLE    [talking, slight lull in conversations] SOUND    BOOTS CONTINUE, DOOR SWINGS SHUT PEOPLE    [Conversation resumes] FANSHAW    [quietly] You certainly know how to make an entrance. LEM    [quietly] Don' see too many strangers hereabouts. BARKEEP    Certainly don't.  We're a mite off the beaten path.  What'll you have? LEM    Whiskey. FANSHAW    I could do with some myself. LEM    [sighs, then loud, to bartender]  I dint see no sign.  What's the name of this here town? BARKEEP    Locknaw. FANSHAW    [excited, but still very quiet]  I knew it!  I'm quite sure there's a castle Lochnaw - I shall have to look that up. SOUND    ONE GLASS BEING SET DOWN AND POURED BARKEEP    Like I said, we don' get many strangers hereabouts.  No need fer a sign. LEM    Reckon so.  [drinks quickly, reacts]  I heerd tell of some feudin' up this way?  P'raps why you get no company? BARKEEP    Did that blasted Hap Tarbox try and hold you up?  [calling]  Sheriff? LEM    No, no - I met someone, but he was might near civil.  FANSHAW    You call that civil? SOUND    OFF - CREAK OF CHAIR, FOOTSTEPS APPROACH LEM    They ain't no need fer...  You-- you all gotta female sheriff? FANSHAW    I say--! BARKEEP     [hurriedly, under his breath]  She's the only one no one-- SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP SHERIFF NELL    I'm Sheriff Milford, but most folks just call me Sheriff Nell.  LEM    Don' take you very serious, do they? SHERIFF NELL    They don't have much choice.  Is there anything I can help you with? BARKEEP    Tarbox's up to it again. SHERIFF NELL    That's preposterous.  I've got him locked up.  What's your name, stranger? LEM    [reluctant, but rapid] Lemuel Roberts.  I saw someone-- BARKEEP    [belligerently, resents sheriff] Someone tried to stop him in the road and it surely weren't Abner Tarbox. FANSHAW    I say, why? LEM    [trying to calm them]  Dint nobody try to stop me.  I was just sayin I met someone on the road.  SHERIFF NELL    What did he look like? LEM    I dint-- FANSHAW    Just under 6 feet tall, ginger hair, perhaps 60 years old, ruddy complexion-- LEM    [undertone] tsch.  [up] --Dint get a good look at him.  He'us in the brush. BARKEEP    That's Hap-- SHERIFF NELL    Hush.  Let's have a seat. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS SHERIFF NELL    This ...person... did he say anything? SOUND    SQUEAK OF CHAIRS LEM    Ast if I was Tarbox or Drummond.  When I said I dint know neither one from Adam, he passed on... on by. FANSHAW    [chuckle] SHERIFF NELL    When was this? LEM    n'hour or so.  See here, what's a'goin' on? FANSHAW     Yes, this is perfectly fascinating! SHERIFF NELL    [sigh] Tarbox - Drummond feud.  Started long before I arrived in town.  They've just about managed to kill each other off.  The only ones still fighting are Hap Tarbox and Jake Drummond, and neither one has any children, so Locknaw's just keeping its head down until one or both is done in. LEM    And you're the only one they all-- SHERIFF NELL    I was made sheriff because I'm the only one in town with no kin on either side.  I came to Locknaw as schoolmarm, if you can believe it.  SHERIFF NELL     (continues) Took this on since it was the only way to keep them from shooting up the town every Friday night.  Now they just terrorize each other - and strangers. FANSHAW    Perhaps we can help? LEM    I'm not much of one fer interferin'-- SHERIFF NELL    That isn't what I've heard, Mister Roberts.  LEM    [Sigh] FANSHAW    Your reputation precedes you. LEM    I cain't never get away from it. FANSHAW    [with Nell] Double negative.  [chuckles at Nell's reaction] SHERIFF NELL    [with Fanshaw] You shouldn't use a double negative like that.  [NOTE she does not react to Fanshaw's comment.] LEM     I don't rightly care.  SHERIFF NELL    I'm so sorry.  Old habits.  I'm-- [sigh]  Sorry.  If you truly don't want to interfere, I'll-- LEM    I dint not say that - neither. SHERIFF NELL    [laughs] FANSHAW    You're smarter than you act sometimes, "podner." LEM    Only, it's more on account of what I used to be, than what I am, if you take my drift. SHERIFF NELL    I'm afraid I don't.  Quite. FANSHAW    He's a reformed man.  Trying to make up for the things he feels he has done wrong. LEM    Let's just say that if I still were who I was, I'd prob'ly be wantin' money fer this.  Being who I am now, I'm just tryin' to -- well, get inta providence's good books. SHERIFF NELL    Expiation. FANSHAW    My precise word. LEM    Naw, just payin' back for my sins. MUSIC AMBIANCE    WOODS, ONE SET OF FOOTSTEPS IN UNDERBRUSH FANSHAW    Are you sure this is safe? LEM    You don' have to come along.  You're sumpin' of a trial. FANSHAW    That's the sort of thanks I get!  If it were not for me-- LEM    You know I don' mind the comp'ny, I jest meant-- SOUND    LOUD SNAP OF TWIG FANSHAW    Was that--? LEM    A twig.  We should be jest about there, if'n I reckon right.  [grunt]  Yep - it's cleared out over thataway. FANSHAW    That will make a delightful change. SOUND    CRUNCHING THROUGH BRUSH, THEN FEET ON DIRT FANSHAW    [low]  I say, look there, Lemuel. LEM    [low]  I see her.  [up, very deferential]  Ma'am?  Ma'am?  MARILEE    [gasps, taken completely by surprise] Oh! LEM    Ma'am, please, we don' mean no-- FANSHAW    --any-- LEM    --no harm.  Jest want to set and talk for a spell.  Are you Marilee Tarbox?  I was told I might find you hereabouts. MARILEE    [utterly bewildered] I-- I--  What are you doing here? FANSHAW    We've come to speak with you, my dear young lady, about the - ahem - altercation between the Tarbox family and the Drummonds. MARILEE    I'm afeared that'us all my doin'. LEM    That's why we come.  Can you bear to tell it? MARILEE    I'us s'posed to marry my removed cousin Abner Tarbox, but I'us took with love for Eb Drummond.  So young and fetchin-- FANSHAW    How utterly tragic! MARILEE    Ayep!  As t'was, I dint make it nowheres.  Never did get to church.  After-- well, Abner and all brought me back here, and here I's stayed.  FANSHAW    And of course, Abner couldn't marry you, after all that had happened-- MARILEE    [shocked]  That's crazy talk! LEM    Don' pay Fanshaw no mind.  He's furren.  They talk plumb crazy all the time. FANSHAW    Lemuel! LEM    Miss Marilee, so you's tellin' us that it was you harin' off that started up the feud? MARILEE    S'all I know about.  [ashamed]  O'course, no one much talks to me no more.  FANSHAW    That is most definitely their loss, miss Tarbox.  You are as lovely as a veritable posey in springtime. MARILEE    [smiling] Crazy but sweet, aincha just? MUSIC SOUND    MORE BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW    I don't see what more we need to know - Miss Marilee's abscondance was the root of the conflict. LEM    I jest don't see it.  It ain't -- drastic enough, to my mind. FANSHAW    Trust me, it takes very little to set Scottish blood afire, even at this far remove! SOUND    GUN SHOT FANSHAW    Was that--? LEM    Yup.  That one WAS.  Stay here. SOUND    DROP HEAVY BAG ON HARD GROUND LEM    [Calling]  I ain't yer enemy!  Whoever y'are, I ain't none o' this!  Jest want some palaver. JAKE    Ain't a Tarbox? LEM    Wouldn't even if'n I could. FANSHAW    [off] I'm not even going to try... LEM    [low] Hesh.  [up]  Can I come on?  You see my hands, a'right? JAKE    [beat]  All right.  Come on, then. LEM    [to Fanshaw] Keep shut.  I don't fancy getting' kilt here. FANSHAW     [off, fading]  Right-ho, Lem. SOUND    WADING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH JAKE    Who are you, then? LEM    Lemuel Roberts.  You can call me Lem. EB    [coming on, wheezy]  Looks like a Tarbox t'me. JAKE     Lem.  I'm Jake.  You holdin' iron? LEM    Left it yonder. JAKE    [grunt of acceptance]  So what you come fer? EB    He's scouting fer them.  LEM    How bout you'n'I set a spell?  JAKE    I reckon we cud do that.  Lord'a'mighty, put yer hands down - you look right silly. LEM    Thankee kindly.  [grunt as he sits]  EB    You cain't trust him, cain't trust none'o them! JAKE    Lemuel Roberts.  Seems like I heered that name somewheres. EB    He's the Deadeye Kid!  Just goes to show them Tarboxes are yeller enough to hire theyselves a gun! LEM    [grudgingly] Folks sometimes call me... the Deadeye Kid. JAKE    Thassit!  [suddenly suspicious]  Them Tarboxes, they pay y'all to come on up here? LEM    Nope.  [sighs]  I-- I don't rightly know why I'm gettin' inta the middle o' this-- EB    He's a low-down dirty liar!  Check and see if he got him a forked tongue.  LEM    Mister Drummond, I reckon the only folks I'm speakin' for here is the town.  They ast me to try and stop all this trouble, and here I am.  They jest ast me cuz I don't haveta live here, and I-- well, I guess I ain't a‑scared of much.  [slight snort] EB    You shud be!  My boy here can shoot the eye out a silver eagle at twenny paces! JAKE    [snort of disbelief] Y'all are gonna sort this here out?  Cain't think how you spect to do that.  This'us been goin' on for a donkey's years, and Hap ain't about to rein in none.  He's a curly wolf 'n no mistake.  Time and again, I tried to reach some kinder accord with him, but - well, I shore wooden be s'prised to find that boy was plumb rabid. EB    That whole family got polecat in it somewheres.  Ain't none of the menfolk right in the head. LEM    But you'ud set down if'n he did? JAKE    [blows out air, thinking, then doubtful]  I reckon I cud, but I cain't see my way to trustin' him, nohow.  He'd lie soon as look atcha. EB    Don't you go trustin' them Tarboxes, boy!  LEM    If I sort this out right, he shou'n't have nothin' left to be afired up about. JAKE    He was borned afired up.  Hmm... [beat]  Well, [slaps his thighs] Least I can be hospitable.  You a drinkin' man? LEM    I wouldn't say no to a snort. SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER AS JAKE GETS UP JAKE    [going off] Be right back. SOUND    FEET ON GRAVEL WALK AWAY LEM    [waits a second, then] And you, sir?  EB    Me?  Eh?  No one lissens to me! LEM    Might you be Eb Drummond? EB    [sly]  I might.... but not to any Tarbox.  LEM    Marilee sends her love. EB    [flabbergasted]  Marilee?  How'd you know Marilee? LEM    Talked to her, jest as I'm talking to you now.  Figgered the boy wouldn't understand, so I waited to tell you. EB    She--  Is she--? LEM    I spect she's much as you remember her.  They never managed to get her hitched, if that's what you're worrying about. EB    Then ...what happened--? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL RETURNING JAKE    Make it myself.  Old granddad's receipt. EB    Boy does take after me. SOUND    CREAK AS JAKE SITS SOUND     BOTTLE TOP OFF, POUR INTO TIN CUP JAKE    Get yerself around that, then. LEM    [reacts - powerful, but not bad] JAKE    [chuckles] Kicks, eh? LEM    [coughing slightly] Like a cougar in a carrysack.  EB    Yep.  Bites and scratches all the way down. JAKE    [chuckles] EB    Boy!  Yes you. LEM    [very understated] Hmm? SOUND    OCCASIONAL SIPPING, POUR OF ANOTHER DRINK, THROUGHOUT THE FOLLOWING EB    [whispering throughout] Them Tarboxes, they said Marilee brought me a poke of gold coins, as a dowry-like-- JAKE    So you're fixin' to end the feud? LEM    Yep. EB    --and that's what started the intire mess.  When they - they ...found her-- JAKE    I'd be happier than a pig in swill if this was over.  EB    --the coins weren't nowhere.  She never had 'em! JAKE    I cud settle down. EB    You b'lieve me, dontcha? JAKE    Maybe raise me up some kids. LEM    Yep.  [slight change in emphasis]  Sounds mighty nice.  JAKE    It's Hap Tarbox won' letcha snap it off. LEM    Reckon I'll ask him hisself.  SOUND    CREAK AS HE GETS UP, DUSTS HIS SEAT LEM    Afternoon. JAKE    Here's luck. EB    If you happen across Marilee again, tell her I- I'll come for her. LEM    I'll carry that. MUSIC FANSHAW    Gold?  I was quite certain this all began with love. LEM    Gold moves jest as many mountains. FANSHAW    Yes, but you must consider - Love may very well vanish into thin air, but gold must have actually gone somewhere. LEM    Plenty o' folks, these parts, ‘d bury it.  No one'ud ever know. FANSHAW    Oh, come now.  A secret is only a secret if no one knows it.  Did he say how much gold? LEM    Spect he dint know.  Not likely they'd a given no reckonin' to them they's accusin' of rustlin', no ways. FANSHAW    [sigh]  Sometimes I truly despair for your grammar. LEM    [smile]  My Grammar's dead.  Keeled over when I wasn't but a pup. FANSHAW    [sound of exasperation]. MUSIC AMBIANCE    TOWN SOUND    HOOVES - ONE HORSE SOUND    HORSE STOPS, CREAK OF A DISMOUNT SOUND    BOOTS ACROSS WOODEN PLANKING, KNOCK ON DOOR SHERIFF NELL    [off]  Come on in! FANSHAW    This Hap fellow isn't likely to be very cooperative, after his incarceration. LEM    Let me do the talkin'. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW    [muttered] As always... LEM    Sheriff?  Ma'am? SHERIFF NELL    Mr. Roberts.  Have you had any luck? LEM    A mite.  Can I jaw with your prisoner for a spell? SOUND    HEAVY LEATHER CARRYSACK BEING SET DOWN SHERIFF NELL    Hap?  Certainly.  Though I must warn you he's not very cooperative.  Right through here. SOUND    JINGLE OF BIG KEY RING SOUND    LADY'S FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWED BY SINGLE SET OF HEAVY BOOTS SOUND     LOCK UNLOCKS, DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE FANSHAW    [off, calling, slightly disgruntled] I'll just wait out here, shall I? LEM    [muttered] That's jest fine. SHERIFF NELL    Hmm? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP, JINGLE OF KEYS AGAIN LEM    Ah'm startin' to see what mighta caused all this.  SHERIFF NELL    How?  I've had Hap and Jake each at one time and another in lockup here, and neither one seems to know - or they simply won't speak of it. LEM    Ah'm good at listenin' to them as no one else pays any mind to.  SHERIFF NELL    Whatever do you mean? LEM    [he said too much]  Um, old folks, crazy folks, injuns - them kinds.  SHERIFF NELL    [puzzled] Hmm. LEM    If'n it gets the job done, I reckon the path I take don't matter much? SHERIFF NELL    [sigh] Too true.  Well, see what sort of a path you can turn up in there - but I'm afraid you'll find it a rather crooked one. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, BOOTED FEET GO IN HAP    Wuzzat? SHERIFF NELL    Someone wishes to speak with you, Mr. Tarbox.  Please try and be civil. HAP    You can go to blazes, bezom. SHERIFF NELL    Such a fine upstanding character.  I want nothing further to do with him.  SOUND    BOOTS SLOW INTO ROOM.  DOOR SHUTS. HAP     You can go to blazes too, who'e'er y'be! LEM    Kinda dark in here, ain't it? HAP    It's the pokey, nit.  ABNER    Hey!  I clapped eyes on you afore this - on the road!  You said you wasn't involved!  LEM    I ain't involved in none of this, jest trying to help the Sheriff keep the peace.  Now, she says Hap - that's you, ain't it? - is one o' them making trouble. ABNER     It's them Drummonds!  They's the ones started it, stealin' our gold! HAP    This is all them Drummonds' fault!  We're jest tryin' to get back our own! LEM    I unnerstand that.  Now if'n I can nose out what y'all lost, get it back to you, would you agree to end this - make peace? ABNER    My own cousin was kilt fer that gold!  That varmint Eb Drummond tricked her into stealin' it, then crevassed her once't he done got hold of it! HAP    [not convincing, too sly] I reckon I might could set down - long as Drummond does. ABNER    Her folks was took hard - losing both daughters in jest one season. HAP    Y'all come back when Drummond turns peacable, ya hear? LEM    [muttering]  Two daughters? HAP    What?  Wazzat? LEM    [disgusted noise, then strangely inflected]  I'll speak with you again soon, feller. HAP    Soon?  hah! MUSIC AMBIANCE    WESTERN TOWN STREET SOUND    ONE PAIR BOOTS ON WOOD OR HARDPACK, WALKING SLOWLY LEM    Didja see him? FANSHAW    Yes.  While you were in conference with Tarbox, I took a look around - [heavy sarcasm] as much as I can manage on my own. LEM    And? FANSHAW    Jake Drummond was certainly watching when we left the Sheriff's office.  What shall we do now?  LEM    I'm sore tempted to break Hap Tarbox out the pokey. FANSHAW     Surely you jest!  Lem, that would be madness! LEM    It'd be one way to end everythin'. FANSHAW    Do you mean--? LEM     You put two rabid dogs in one corral, you're bound to have at least one less dog. FANSHAW    But Jake... He seemed like a rather reasonable fellow. LEM     That's all at's stoppin' me. SOUND    PAPER UNROLLS FANSHAW    What the devil is -- [confused] a wanted poster?  [very dry] You're holding it upside down. LEM    Don' matter-- SOUND    PAPER IS ROLLED UP LEM    --I jest took it.  Wanted sumpin' to make Jake wonder. MUSIC SOUND    BUSHWHACKING FANSHAW    I don't see why we had to come all the way back out here. You've already spoken with Marilee.  LEM    I reckon she might have more t'say about them two lost girls.  FANSHAW     Do you feel it's so important? LEM    Everthin's important - right up til you know what ain't.  This - well, I reckon its jest sumpin that got overlooked, and I cain't leave a loose rope to dangle. FANSHAW    Colorful.  Do you still hear Jake behind us? LEM    Reckon I do. SOUND    LEAVE THE BRUSH, BOOTS ON HARD PACK FANSHAW    Aha, the lady is expecting us. MARILEE    [coming on] Y'all came back! FANSHAW    Of course!  Simply to gaze upon you would brighten any man's day. MARILEE    [giggles] LEM    [disgusted] Now that the courtin's done with, you two want a hayloft somewheres? FANSHAW    I say! LEM    You say plenty.  Miss Marilee, we come back fer two reasons.  First, Tarbox said sumpin about two girls died the year the feud started-- MARILEE    My sister might could tell you more-- JAKE    [off]  What in tarnation is wrong with you, Kid? LEM    [calling back off to Jake] This'll only take a moment.  You might want to-- EB    [off] Marilee? MARILEE    [breathless] Eb? FANSHAW    Now I see your scheme!  You romantic fool, you! LEM    [calling] Jake, I need to apologize fer leadin' you all to hell and gone-- [BEHIND JAKE AND LEM, MARILEE AND EB EXCHANGE ENDEARMENTS - HE STARTS TO SOUND YOUNGER, LESS CROTCHETY] JAKE    I should say so!  What you want with in a place like this? [slightly weirded out - it is a graveyard]  They ain't nothin' here. LEM    I been thinkin' that mebbe the answer is here somewheres. JAKE    Here?  Buried?  Was that paper Tarbox gave you a map? LEM    No map.  See, two young ladies - were taken from their family, right about the start of all this, here.  I'm reasonable sure Marilee weren't the cause, so I have to ast myself, what about the other one? MARILEE    Jenfaire?  What do you know about her? LEM    Sheriff Nell says your sister left behind a child and a husband who weren't much more than a drunk and a troublemaker-- EB    That's a Tarbox all right.  Beggin' your pardon, my dearest dove. MARILEE    He'us a beast.  He hurt her so bad when he got too much white lightnin inta him.  LEM    So I ast myself who would need the money more, if'n she were plannin' on lightin' out fer parts unknown - a newborned mama, or a girl gone to marry? JAKE    But Jenfaire Tarbox, she was Hap's Grandma. LEM    So Sheriff Nell said. JAKE    She never dint go nowheres. LEM    Not like she planned, no.  HAP    [off] Hold it right thar!  Hands up, both of you! LEM    Down! JAKE    No! SOUND    SCUFFLE, THEN GUNSHOTS [from off] WHICH PING OFF OF STONE. JAKE    I reckon there's one good thing about meetin in a place like this.  [grunt as he rolls up to shoot] SOUND    CLOSE GUN SHOT JAKE    Plenty o' cover. LEM    Dammit, I'm trying to end this peaceable. JAKE    Go out there and tell that sidewinder, then.  I'll put up when he does. FANSHAW    Lem, he's behind a tree north-north east of here.  If you roll to the left, he won't have a clear shot. LEM    Right.  Jake, you stay put.  Gimme some cover, but don't waste yer lead. JAKE    [almost enjoying this] Oh, I got plenty. LEM    Just cover! SOUND    SCUFFLE AS LEM ROLLS AWAY.  A COUPLE QUICK GUN SHOTS FROM OFF, ONE FROM NEAR - THEY GO ON SPORADICALLY IN THE B/G LEM    Get Marilee over here.  I need Jenfaire.  FANSHAW    Right ho! LEM    [yelling] Abner?  Abner Tarbox! HAP    It's Hap, you chicken-brained dog-breath varmint! JAKE    [hissing]  Course, it's Hap!  Abner got hung last month over to Conners Gulch. LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  FANSHAW    Here is Marilee.  Shall go and I fetch Abner for you, as well? LEM    [sigh] Yeah.  If'n you please. MARILEE    Jenfaire don' wanna come.  She ain't fit for comp'ny. LEM    I ain't company, woman.  Think o' me as the law. EB    [sounding much younger] Yes, darlin', lissen to the-- ABNER     [off, coming on] Let go of me - you city slickin' furriner!  EB    What the blazes! ABNER     [grunt of effort] Hah!  [shocked] Marilee! MARILEE    Abner! EB    Stay behind me, Marilee. SOUND    GUN SHOTS CONTINUE ABNER    You little mink, runnin' off on me. EB    You dint take no time a'tall to fetch you another bride, Abner Tarbox. ABNER    [sarcasm] Right.  I plumb fergot it were almost five years afore you finally hitched up with Ellie Dean. MARILEE    Oh! EB    I had to, darlin'-- LEM    I hate to break up this li'l tea party-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM     But if'n we don't sort things out right quick, your 'last remainin' will be joinin' you. JAKE    [off] You say sumpin, Lem? LEM    [calling] Talkin' to m'self.  [quieter, urgent] Get Jenfaire. MARILEE    [going off] I'll try... ABNER    [low]  Eb, Don't you never tell that purty little girl this, but I was jest as happy to see the back of her. EB    What? Why? ABNER    I's never sure but that we was a mite too close fer kissin, if'n you see where I's aimin'. EB    Oh! LEM    Sounds t'me like, if the gold's found, this whole thing can be done with. MARILEE    Jenfaire's here.  Talk.  LEM    Jenfaire?  Where? FANSHAW    She prefers to stay out of sight, Lemuel, but she will answer. LEM    [Sigh]  I'ud rather look folks in the face, but-- Jenfaire Tarbox, wha'd you do with them gold coins? JENFAIRE    [distant, wispy, teary]  I-- I hid ‘em under the cowshed, in a leather poke.  I meant to go back and..., and git.  Just git away--  but the baby come early. LEM    I see. JENFAIRE    --and I-- I dint make it. LEM    Thank you ma'am, fer that.  You go on back now.  I'll try and turn this stampede. EB    Can I-- I can stay here, with Marilee, cain't I?  LEM     Reckon I don't know, but you can try.  [Up]  Hap!  I know where the gold is.  I'm standin' up, and if you shoot me, there ain't no one else alive can tell you where to find it. FANSHAW    Must you rub it in? SOUND    NOISE OF STANDING:  CREAK OF LEATHER, PULLING SELF UP ON HEADSTONE, ETC. HAP    [off, calling] Tell Jake to throw down his weapon. JAKE    Ain't gonna happen! HAP    Tell him-- LEM    Ain't gonna happen, Hap.  But Jake is gonna walk away, and you and I are gonna go on and get yer coins. JAKE    [whispered, still hunkered down] I ain't! LEM    Jest go. SOUND    [beat, then] JAKE STANDS, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL MUSIC BUILDS     NOT A CHANGE SCENE, JUST A DRAMATIC MOMENT SOUND    CLICK OF HAMMER ON REVOLVER SOUND    GUNSHOT, SOMEWHAT IN SLOW-MO SOUND    SECOND GUNSHOT - GOES WILD, RICOCHET. JAKE    [yell of surprise] HAP    [off] Unggh!  [impact] FANSHAW    Oh, good shot. JAKE    [turning around/coming on] What in tarnation?! SOUND    BODY DROP, OFF HAP    [off, death rattle] LEM    [under his breath]  Damn. MUSIC SOUND    HIS AND HERS BOOTS ON WOODEN PLANKS SHERIFF NELL    So Mr. Roberts shot Hap? JAKE    The critter was fixin' to shoot me in the back!  He couldn't not do it.  [beat]  Ma'am. SHERIFF NELL    Did anyone else witness this? JAKE    Nope.  I'm plumb sorry miss, I mean sheriff, ma'am, but it was jest the three of us.  [beat]  And all them headstones. SOUND    BOOTS STOP. DOOR OPENS SLOWLY, WITH EFFORT SHERIFF NELL    Ungh - what is -- wrong --? JAKE    Let me help ya, miss.  Ungh -- SOUND    DOOR OPENS GRUDGINGLY, SOMETHING FABRIC IS BEHIND IT SOUND    MUFFLED CLINK SHERIFF NELL    A rotted old leather sack?  MUSIC SOUND    TWO HORSES HOOVES FANSHAW    You could have kept some. LEM    [down] Sheriff Nell there will see it gets put to good use - mebbe fer a church or a school or sumpin. FANSHAW    You did the right thing.  That town is free of a terrible burden. LEM    [down] My hands done it.  Dint give me no time to think twice. FANSHAW    If not for your interference, Lemuel, a good man - Jake - would be dead.  [beat] Try to think of it this way - you ended the feud with but a single shot.  LEM    [starting out of slump] Yeah, I reckon a single shot kin have some kind of power. FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [kidding, sly] Like that shot heard round the world?  Jest over a hunnert years ago? FANSHAW    [huffy] Yes, well.  LEM    [chuckles a bit] MUSIC OUT CLOSER   NOTE:  Poem with the line shot heard round the world was written in 1837.

It's a SOCAN special. And we have NEW music from Liv of Fanshaw! Her new band is called Plum, and their songs are deliciousso sweetand so coldAlso! New Apollo Ghosts, Blue Hawaii, TEENANGER, Leon Patriz & Golden Age of Wrestling. Fun times.

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 24 "It was breathtaking, intoxicating." The final door of Tempest's audio advent calendar followed by full cast credits. You can listen to the whole series here: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 23 "You know what's coming, don't you? You've been living the same moment for years and years." With Rebecca Charles Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 22 "She named him Fanshaw, not me." With Mark Lingwood and Bibi Berki Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 21 "I can smell the punch and hear the band tuning up." With Ali Williams Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 20 "You know I don't like driving in this weather." With Tricia Hitchcock Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 19 "I never let him have Christmas." With Georgina Sutton. Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 18 "Remember to leave the window open for him. I'm not sure when we'll be back." With Tricia Hitchcock Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 17 "Someone sending love letters, I reckon. And you're the go-between." With Mark Lingwood. Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 16 "Maybe I've had enough. Maybe tonight I'll be utterly frank with everyone at last." With Lou Lingwood Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 15 "I'm a hundred per cent hope, me. I'm made of the stuff." With Tim Bond Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 14 "The woods are lovely, dark and deep." With Mark Lingwood Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 13 "It's a hell of an ice-breaker, this story. Is it your usual chat-up line?" With Mark Lingwood and Bibi Berki Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 12 "Tonight is my favourite night. The night that makes me love my job all over again." With Roger Sawyer Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 11 "There'll be tears before you'll let yourself smile. It's unavoidable in this place." With Tricia Hitchcock Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 10 "We opened that bed and breakfast in June and it was shut the following Boxing Day." With Mark Sangster Fanshaw is Tempest's 2021 Christmas special. To make sure you don't miss a door, visit: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 9 "Someone came, and kissed me there." With Claire Davies. Mistletoe By Walter de la Mare. Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest. You can listen to all the episodes at https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent https://ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 8 "He thought cutting your toast on the diagonal was an affectation." With Mark Lingwood Our 2021 Christmas special comes to you in the form of an advent calendar. To listen to all the doors please visit https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent www.tempestproductions.net ko-fi.com/tempestproductions

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 7 "Actually there is something wrong with me. It's not funny." With Bibi Berki Fanshaw is Tempest's Christmas special for 2021. Enjoy all the other doors at: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 6 "Then she slung her bra in the air and ran off. That was every Christmas accounted for." With Will Eaves Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas Special from Tempest Productions. You can listen to the whole series here: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent www.tempestproductions.net

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 5 "I don't trust anyone who travels light." With Roger Sawyer. Fanshaw is Tempest's 2021 Christmas special. You can catch the whole series at https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 4 "She wouldn't dream of baring her teeth at me normally." With Camilla Simson. Fanshaw is Tempest's 2021 Christmas special. You can visit the other doors at: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent www.tempestproductions.net

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 3 "You were taken to that hotel for a reason, I just know it." With Mark Lingwood and Bibi Berki Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special by Tempest Productions. You can hear the whole series here: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent www.tempestproductions.net

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 2 "They come here looking for something, I suppose." With Rebecca Charles. Fanshaw is the 2021 Christmas special made by Tempest Productions. You can find the whole series here: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent www.tempestproductions.net

Fanshaw - An Audio Advent Calendar Door 1 "Tell me everything. Moment by moment." With Bibi Berki and Mark Lingwood. This Christmas special for 2021 is brought to you by Tempest Productions. You can find the whole series here: https://soundcloud.com/user-986948053/sets/fanshaw-an-audio-advent www.tempestproductions.net

NIKKI FANSHAWIn this episode of the Montana Diaries podcast, I sat down with Nikki Fanshaw to chat about her path to becoming the wildly talented brand + web designer that she is today. From a Midwest farm girl, to a growing career in the fashion industry, to product design, to running her own successful design firm — Nikki knows a thing or two about pivoting in creative business. The brand + web design processI was lucky enough to work with Nikki on our brand + website this year. We broke down the process of working together from the inquiry stage through the final delivery — Nikki outlined her process, and I chimed in from the clients' perspective on how everything felt. We were super candid about creatives' insecurities and roadblocks to working with a professional brand and web designer. LINKSShownotes for this episode with Nikki Fanshaw: https://www.montanadiaries.com/creativebusinessblog/10Your free starter guide to integrating video into your photography biz: https://www.montanadiaries.com/learnvideoMontana Diaries Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/montanadiariespodcastFREE CLASS FOR PHOTOGRAPHERS! https://www.montanadiaries.com/learnvideo SIGN UP FOR 1X1 MENTOR CALLS: https://www.montanadiaries.com/coaching

El funeral de Buck Fanshaw, de Mark Twain.

Winner of SEMA's highest awards including both the prestigious Ford AND GM design awards, Fanshaw weaves unparalleled magic from his substantial Rock n Roll, apparel and business background and spins incredible rarely shared stories from behind the scenes of some of America's hard rocking, hotrod culture's most notable personalities.From Brad's website: Industrial designer, automotive fabricator, innovator, trend setter, timepiece, luxury products expert, creator, actor, writer, producer and entrepreneur describes just part of Brad Fanshaw.An award winning designer of cars and fine timepieces, he holds multiple world wide patents and is an innovator who is credited with developing today's world of hot rodding and action sports.At an early age, Brad was interested in how things worked and how commerce was generated. It was his inquisitive nature and his ability to spot trends that have allowed him to realize incredible success. Pursuing his passions have kept him on the forefront of many innovative industries.Website: www.bradfanshaw.comTwitter: @BradFanshawInstagram: @bradley_fanshaw How to contact and connect with JP Emersonwww.jpemerson.comTwitter: @The_jpemersonemail: jp@jpemerson.comFor more podcasts on cars check out Ford Mustang The Early Years Podcast at www.TheMustangPodcast.com or at Apple Podcasts or anywhere you get your podcastsFor more information about sponsorship or advertising on The JP Emerson Show or podcast launch services contact Doug Sandler at doug@turnkeypodcast.com or visit www.turnkeypodcast.com

Winner of SEMA's highest awards including both the prestigious Ford AND GM design awards, Fanshaw weaves unparalleled magic from his substantial Rock n Roll, apparel and business background and spins incredible rarely shared stories from behind the scenes of some of America's hard rocking, hotrod culture's most notable personalities.From Brad's website: Industrial designer, automotive fabricator, innovator, trend setter, timepiece, luxury products expert, creator, actor, writer, producer and entrepreneur describes just part of Brad Fanshaw.An award winning designer of cars and fine timepieces, he holds multiple world wide patents and is an innovator who is credited with developing today's world of hot rodding and action sports.At an early age, Brad was interested in how things worked and how commerce was generated. It was his inquisitive nature and his ability to spot trends that have allowed him to realize incredible success. Pursuing his passions have kept him on the forefront of many innovative industries.Website: www.bradfanshaw.comTwitter: @BradFanshawInstagram: @bradley_fanshaw How to contact and connect with JP Emersonwww.jpemerson.comTwitter: @The_jpemersonemail: jp@jpemerson.comFor more podcasts on cars check out Ford Mustang The Early Years Podcast at www.TheMustangPodcast.com or at Apple Podcasts or anywhere you get your podcastsFor more information about sponsorship or advertising on The JP Emerson Show or podcast launch services contact Doug Sandler at doug@turnkeypodcast.com or visit www.turnkeypodcast.com

Episode #18 is brought to you be these rad ass SpOnSeRs https://www.belltech.com/take-the-challenge - Are you up to the BellTech challenge? If you don't think your ride quality is better, you can send your new Belltech shocks back for a full refund, no questions asked!  www.dakotadigital.com - Yep, Dakota has a modern gauge cluster for your OBS truck.  www.baer.com - The leader in CK stopping. They know OBS trucks, and how to stop them.  www.azproperformance.com - When you want to modify, lower, upgrade anything on your OBS truck, Pro Performance has you covered.  Legend Series with Brad Fanshaw, interviewed by Travis Noack.  There really isn't much that Brad hasn't done, in life and auto.  Travis dives right in and they talk all things Fanshaw, from the beginning as a BMX kid, and how that lead to bigger and better things. From Boyd's, Vision Street Wear, BonSpeed Wheels, and more, Damn Son!  Thanks Brad for sitting down with OBS Talk! 

Aaron Hagar Part 2 - ***THIS IS PART TWO! MAKE SURE YOU GO BACK FOR PART ONE!***Take a walk with me down Fascination Street as I get to know Aaron Hagar. Aaron is the son of rock ICON Sammy Hagar; but that's not what makes this guy so damn cool. He is a genuine dude. Besides being an amazing multi-talented painter, sketch artist, mask maker, prosthetic tech, animatronic engineer, musician, hot rod wrencher, podcast and TV show host..... he is also HILARIOUS and down to earth. In this episode we chat about: his podcast Shift And Steer, Norton motorcylces, Mini Coopers, Land Rover Evoques, and "receiving delivery"of his dad's LaFerrari, plus some book cover art he is doing for the popular author John Hindmarsh, and those legendary Hagar Family Vacations!Follow Aaron on Social Media:Twit: @aaron_Hagar Insta: @AaronHagar FB: Aaron HagarCheck out Aaron's podcast: Shift and Steeralso ShiftAndSteer.comVisit Aaron's garage's website: TheRatRunnersGarage.com

Aaron Hagar Part 1 - ****** THIS IS PART ONE! COME BACK FOR PART TWO!!****** Take a walk with me down Fascination Street as I get to know Aaron Hagar. Aaron is the son of rock ICON Sammy Hagar; but that's not what makes this guy so damn cool. He is a genuine dude. Besides being an amazing multi-talented painter, sketch artist, mask maker, prosthetic tech, animatronic engineer, musician, hot rod wrencher, podcast and TV show host..... he is also HILARIOUS and down to earth. In this episode we chat about the astounding "barn find" he recently acquired, where he got the confidence to do all of the things that he does, what it was like to grow up as a Hagar, plus he shares some stories about working in Hollywood as a make up, mask, and prosthetic guy, and finally we talk about his Rat Runners Garage in Tahoe, his You Tube show DESIGN, CUT, and BUILD ,and his Best In Show award winning "Rat Rod" which he named RED VOODOO! Follow Aaron on Social Media:Twit: @aaron_HagarInsta: @AaronHagarFB: Aaron HagarCheck out Aaron's podcast: Shift and Steeralso ShiftAndSteer.comVisit Aaron's garage's website: TheRatRunnersGarage.com

EP71 Brad Fanshaw and Dave Marek welcome Brad Pearsall from BROO (Pronounced Brew). A lively discussion about keeping it clean, looking good and all with true craft beer. Then we discuss our drink of the day with Hudson Baby Bourbon Whiskey. Finally, some suggested travel and food ideas. VISIT: broo.com www.ManSeeksAdventure.com INSTAGRAM: @ManSeeksAdventure @Bradley_Fanshaw

Sammy Hagar threw a concert on the sand in Huntington Beach, California and it turned into a party. Man Seeks Adventure had VIP access for what turned out to be some great rock music and a hell of a lot of fun. www.ManSeeksAdventure.com INSTAGRAM: @manseeksadventure @bradley_Fanshaw

This is a fully packed episode with Brad and Dave. Typhoons and earthquakes have ravaged Japan and Dave has been present. He tells us about that and the robot bar. Dave also reviews the 777 first class accommodations.  Brad took a trip to Arizona to find the coolest things to do when it's over 100 degrees. He brings us a selection of nuggets that you can find on your own. He made his trip in the Acura MDX Sport Hybrid and he provides a complete review. Dave also gives a complete rundown of his trip to Monterey Car Week. Don't forget that we also have a new Drink of the Day and Brad mixes us the Ancho Cold Brew, a coffee cocktail. www.ManSeeksAdventure.com Instagram: @ManSeeksAdventure

Episode 10 provides Mike Brewer and Brad Fanshaw the opportunity to celebrate the first ever podcast. It could also be that Mike is still a bit jet-lagged from his global travels and Brad is celebrating America's Memorial Day holiday. Either way, sit back and enjoy a recast of the first episode in celebration of our first 10. www.MikeBrewerBTW.com INSTAGRAM: @mikebrewerbtw @mikebrewer @bonspeedbrad

Lem and Fanshaw find themselves in an inexplicable place and time.... (don't worry, it's not canon)

Matt 'Motorator' D'Andria - Podcaster - (Shift and Steer / Car Cast) Part 1Matt D'Andria sits down with me in the lobby of a beautiful hotel in Santa Monica, Ca. We talk about how Matt got to California, how he became an internet creative, and how he got hooked up with Adam Carolla. We also learn that there is a trick to stuffing Adam's giant ass into Newman's tiny racecars.**we get the auction story of the Newman Porsche**Follow Matt on social media:Twit: @MotoratorInsta: @MotoratorFB: Motorator

We're LIVE from the RadWood car show in Anaheim, CA where only cars, motorcycles and trucks from the 1980s and 90s are allowed. Brad Fanshaw and Matt D'Andria have the co-host of Man Seeks Adventure, Dave Marek on the mic. Dave, who when not podcasting with Fanshaw on MSA, is the Global Director of Design for Acura/Honda. After discussing the show and the very cool selection of 80s and 90s iron, Matt revs in with news on the LA Auto Show. To wrap up the show, Matt discusses the driving experience of the Acura NSX and having Dave there to lend his expert input makes for a great discussion.

This week Brad Fanshaw and Dave Marek attend the NHRA World Finals of Drag Racing in Pomona, California. Heather Storm was off filming yet another commercial and was unable to attend. The guys had the opportunity to corner Don Schumacher of Schumacher Racing. They get a candid interview about his racing past and the present state of finding sponsorship for his growing roster of Top Fuel Funny Cars and Top Fuel Dragsters. Don is the King of Nitro burning top fuel competition and he really opens up in this interview with Man Seeks Adventure.

Brad Fanshaw and Heather Storm are appearing live at the SEMA Show in Las Vegas on the MagnaFlow Stage. The two invite actor/comedian Tom Green to the show who is opening a new residency at the Bally's Hotel. Tom brings his comedic barbs and fun to the show and even indulges Dave Marek's "Top 5" on a call from Tokyo Japan. We did not forget the "Drink of the Day" and Heather mixes up a Vegas style morning drink called the "ScrewMosa" (Recipe at ManSeeksAdventure.com) Next we invite our friends and multi-repeat guests, Elvis Monroe to the stage. Ben Carey and Bryan Hopkins don't let us down with great stories and incredible live music.

Fanshaw, Matt D'Andria, and Aaron Hagar gather to discuss classic car import bans, SEMA SHOW rock concerts, Aaron's GT3RS track day, and Matt's trip to Sonoma with Jay Leno and Adam Carolla to drive the Newman 935 Porsche.

Here's the final 'special' episode made out of live show intros to recordings of Flatshare Slamdown from the last series (the fun bits before the podcast itself starts). Brace yourself to hear about various types of fake egg, the glamour of photocopiers, Fanshaw attempting to crack his own version of S-Town, Achilles, inverse Mum slams and potatoes. Alongside Pappy's you'll enjoy the dulcet tones of Kevin Eldon, Ed Gamble, Eleanor Tiernan and Lloyd Langford. We're back with a new series next month! Spread the word! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Want a rich cocktail with a pound of butter and whiskey? Then watch our Man Seeks Adventure video from our visit to BacariGDL.

Episode 40 of the Man Seeks Adventure podcast we take a trip to the Americana in Glendale California where a new restaurant has opened. BacariGDL owned by Robert Kronfli is a blend of comfortable setting, incredible tastes and wonderful drinks. Chef Lior Hillel prepared a large selection of tasting plates for Brad, Dave and Heather to sample and Mixologist David Williams created the tasty cocktails. Visit the location with us and indulge as each of the dishes is described by the CHef and we hear tales of underground restaurants at USC and getting a start in the rough and tumble restaurant business. VISIT THE LIST at: www.ManSeeksAdventure.com for a complete list of the dishes and see them in our Gallery section. You will also find our "Drink of The Day" video and photos on the site.  

In this VIDEO Bonus from episode 39 Brad Fanshaw and Dave Marek taste the newest "Drink of Th Day" created by Heather Storm. The cocktail is the Fijian Sunrise and was created in honor of our guest John Davis the Executive in Charge of Production who tells us all about the new MTV show "Stranded With a Million Dollars" VISIT OUR WEBSITE: www.ManSeeksAdventure.com Stranded: MTV.com/shows/stranded  

On episode 39 of Man Seeks Adventure Brad Fanshaw, Dave Marek and Heather Storm talk to John Davis the Executive In Charge of Production for the new MTV show, Stranded With A Million Dollars. The show that debuts on February 21, 2017 at 10p.m. E/PT is an exciting adventure in human nature. Man Seeks Adventure gets the behind the scenes tales about filming in Fiji, the way it works and waht it took to pull it off. Join us for a new podcast and a new cocktail "Drink of the Day", the Fijian Sunrise mixed by our own Heather. Watch our video at www.ManSeeksAdventure.com See Casting Reels and Video Clips for MTV's Stranded With A Million Dollars at: www.MTV.com/shows/stranded or follow them on www.facebook.com/mtvstranded  

In episode 38 of Man Seeks Adventure we sat down with rock n roll legend and frontman for ZZ Top, Billy F. Gibbons. We knew that a very special man deserved a special cocktail and Heather created a drink named after Billy's 1934 Ford Hot Rod. See how she mixes the drink and watch Billy F. Gibbons and Jimmy Shine drink them down and provide your with their comments.   Get the recipe and the podcast at our website: www.ManSeeksAdventure.com

On episode 38 of the Man Seeks Adventure podcast we are joined by rock n roll legend Billy F. Gibbons of ZZ Top. This conversation with the rock and roller reveals his love of cars, design, food and adventures. We get Billy to open up for frank conversation and our now famous Dave's Top 5 "This or That" Join Brad Fanshaw, Heather Storm and Dave Marek for a special podcast episode. Do not miss the Drink of the Day video on our website or subscribers will have it available on their device. The video is special as Billy arrives in his new hot rod with Jimmy Shine to taste the cocktail Heather has created.   www.ManSeeksAdventure.com

On episode 36 we spoke to the former V.P. of Artist Development and Relations for Warner Brothers Music. Heather mixed up a true rocking cocktail for the show. The drink was the classic Rusty Nail, watch he video and see how its made.

On episode 37 we had the guys from the L.A. band ElEmEnOpy who are also the house band on the Comedy Central GodDamn Comedy Jam. We needed an easy fun loving drink and Heather came up with the BeerMosa. Watch the video and then get the recipe at www.ManSeeksAdventure.com

This is a funny video of Brad Fanshaw and Dave Marek tasting the Drink of the Day from episode 37. The drink is the Laugh Out Loud, BeerMosa. See the guys taste it and attempt to have a simple cheers. Then find our own Heather Storm mixing the drink and showing you how easy it really is to make.

In episode 33 of the Man Seeks Adventure podcast our resident mixologist Heather Storm introduced you to the official Man Seeks Adventure cocktail. Watch this video and see how she creates this craft cocktail and then go to our website under "The List" section and get the exact recipe. GET THE RECIPE: https://www.manseeksadventure.com/the-list-1/

Brad Fanshaw from the Man Seeks Adventure takes you exciting places and maybe some places you shouldn't go? A fun promo from our manly podcast. Man Seeks Adventure on iTunes with Brad Fanshaw & Dave Marek   www.ManSeeksAdventure.com  

It takes just over two minutes to listen to our new Minute Preview for Episode #6. This was the final show for 2015 and we take you with us on the holiday adventures.  

Adventure Traveler, animal expert Aaron Hill from Los Angeles tells Brad and Dave about his travels. the animals and the danger. Aaron also tells us about his animal care and training at his business Pets In The City.   www.PetsInTheCity.com  

- Mac DeMarco/Makeout Videotape, June 2010- Sean Nicholas Savage, December 2012- Fanshaw, March 2009- Fine Mist, August 2009- Korean Gut, September 2011

Fanshaw, O SailorBabysitter, College Rock HeroesKellarissa, Old MoneyDestroyer, DowntownTim Hecker, The Piano DropCub, Nicholas BraggTime Copz, Shit CityCrystal Swells, Waco, Wasilla, WaikikiTerror Bird, We Were MonstersJay Arner, Don't Remind MeKidnap Kids, GodNick Krgovich, He'll Have To Go (Demo)Needles//Pins, Kalifornia KornerIndian Wars, If You Want Me, If You Want MeApollo Ghosts, Validation!

Which is harder to understand?  The ones who speak no English at all, or the ones who speak in an accent even Fanshaw can't quite fathom? :) And what's behind all this?

Lem and Fanshaw roll into a little town just in time to stop an unjust hanging... but can they find out who truly deserves the rope? [revamped 11/2011]

Uncomfortable questions for Fanshaw.  And still trying to warn the town... Cover art by Brett Coulstock

Warning the town puts Fanshaw back in Lisette's sights.... Cover art by Brett Coulstock

And a new story begins.... as Lem and Fanshaw both run into spectres from their pasts. Part 1 of 6 Cover at by Brett Coulstock

The beautifully retarded Cheryl Cole and a case of mistaken identity involving Geri Halliwell and Fanshaw Candelabra... for the second week in a row - no one gets 'cut'

Debuting a new series, THE DEADEYE KID Takes to the open road.... Lem and Fanshaw find out a bizarre secret about the man they're guiding.  Their goal (though they don't know it) a young woman in need of help. Cover art by Brett Coulstock Music from archive.org. The Deadeye Kid podcasts every other Tuesday. Haunting Melody is a five-part story.

Special April Fool's Day bonus episode!!!  A pair of travelers find themselves VERY lost... [don't worry - it's not canon!] Warning - MUCH foul language and some in-jokes - helps if you know the show well already.  Particularly Lem and Fanshaw from the Deadeye Kid.

Even in the middle of a blizzard, Lem and Fanshaw find someone in need of help - outlaws have taken over a Quaker hostel, holding the proprietress and her children hostage.