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Jesse & Busher are back to unpack the AFL Draft
The Wrist Check Pod crew reunites for their 6th season in-front of a live studio audience in the Meatpacking section of downtown NYC located at the renowned members only club, SoHo House. In this episode the team is joined by former guest film director and write Jamaal Parham and one half of the Binary Group Creative Agency, Tyler Busher to talk design and watches. --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/wrist-check-pod/support
Happy to Co-Host with Khudania Ajay as we launch our new Co-Hosted LIVE Podcast, special Thanks for guest Moses Davide Busher from Malawi and Regional Director Africa at YORGHAS Foundation talking about social inclusion, health, mental health and gender issues. www.linkedin.com/in/amb-moses-davide-busher-4182b1216
Jesse & Busher have a delayed review of the 2021 AFL Draft.
Described by the Irish Times as ‘quirky…sublime', Belmullet accordian player extraordinaire, David Munnelly, chats with us before his upcoming concert with fiddler, Mick Conneely, at The Glens, November 25th. We speak with Caroline Busher about her new novel, The Legend of Valentine Sorrow, set in County Sligo during the cholera epidemic of 1832.It is shortlisted for Teen Book of the Year and Hannah Smith of St Clare's Comp School, reads an excerpt.
"Strangelight" by Fugazi https://fugazi.bandcamp.com/track/strangelight Jerry would like to make a correction: He would play the "alien voices" sample live on "Argument," not "Cashout" Robin Bell (Jerry mixed the Positive Force Documentary and did music for OPEN & REFRACTIONS) http://bellvisuals.com/ Punk The Capital (Jerry mixed the bonus films [Scream, Void, Slickee Boys, WGTB Concert]) available on DVD/Blu Ray https://www.punkthecapital.info/ All Scars Early Ambient https://allscars.bandcamp.com/album/early-ambient Jerry Busher solo https://jerrybusher.bandcamp.com/releases Email the podcast: fugaziAtoZ@gmail.com Donate to the podcast: https://tips.pinecast.com/jar/the-alphabetical-fugazi
Jesse & Isaac spoke to Paige Busher from the Youth Jam Newsroom about unpaid young carers who are taking on the work of paid professionals. Around 230,000 West Aussies care for their family members or friends with 1 in 11 of them being under 25.Paige shone light into the lack of Government support and some of the initiatives being put forward to raise awareness and create change for young unpaid carers. If you missed the interview, click the link below.#youthjam
The Surviving Society team are extremely excited to present #TheSpotlightSeries. In these episodes Chantelle and Tissot take a step back from the mic and handover to both local and global academics, researchers, and community organizers. The Spotlight series continues with the themes from the original Surviving Society podcast focused on race, class, anti- racism and social movements. Guest Hosts: Karis Campion - Karis is a Legacy in Action Research Fellow at the Stephen Lawrence Research Centre. Her current research focuses on barbershops and examines their function as counter-hegemonic spaces and key social institutions for Black communities in Britain. She is currently writing a book entitled Making Mixed Race: A Study of Time, Place and Identity (Routledge). Her research interests span areas of (mixed) race/ethnic identity, geographies of race in urban space, intersectional inequalities, youth identities, anti-racism and institutional racism in education. Stephen Ashe - Stephen Ashe is a Teaching Fellow in the Department of Sociology at Durham University. Prior to joining the Sociology Department, Stephen was a Research Associate in the Centre on Dynamics of Ethnicity at the University of Manchester where he conducted research on untold stories in the anti-racist and anti-imperial struggle for civil rights and social justice in Britain during the 1960s and 1970s (with Satnam Virdee), workplace racism (with James Nazroo), and the relationship between race and class in post-Brexit Britain (with James Rhodes and Sivamohan Valluvan). Since 2018, Stephen has carried out research on different aspects of racial inequality and institutional whiteness in higher education at four different universities in England. This included research on the awarding gap in the social sciences, the effectiveness of widening participation schemes and the transition to undergraduate student life, and the impact of programmes designed to empower students racialised as non-white through the creation of safe spaces and a sense of belonging. Stephen co-edited and contributed to Routledge's recently published edited collection, Researching the Far Right: Theory, Method and Practice (Ashe, Busher, Macklin and Winter, 2020). Remi Joseph-Salisbury - Remi is a Presidential Fellow in Ethnicity and Inequalities at the University of Manchester. He is the author of 'Black Mixed-Race Men', and co-editor of 'The Fire Now: Anti-Racism in Times of Explicit Racial Violence'. He has written widely on race and racism, with a particular focus on education and policing. His forthcoming work, with Dr Laura Connelly, focuses on anti-racist scholar-activism in UK universities and will be published as a book in 2021. Race and Ethnicity in British Sociology Report: https://www.britsoc.co.uk/media/25345/bsa_race_and_ethnicity_in_british_sociology_report.pdf
The Surviving Society team are extremely excited to present #TheSpotlightSeries. In these episodes Chantelle and Tissot take a step back from the mic and handover to both local and global academics, researchers, and community organizers. The Spotlight series continues with the themes from the original Surviving Society podcast focused on race, class, anti- racism and social movements. Guest Hosts: Karis Campion - Karis is a Legacy in Action Research Fellow at the Stephen Lawrence Research Centre. Her current research focuses on barbershops and examines their function as counter-hegemonic spaces and key social institutions for Black communities in Britain. She is currently writing a book entitled Making Mixed Race: A Study of Time, Place and Identity (Routledge). Her research interests span areas of (mixed) race/ethnic identity, geographies of race in urban space, intersectional inequalities, youth identities, anti-racism and institutional racism in education. Stephen Ashe - Stephen Ashe is a Teaching Fellow in the Department of Sociology at Durham University. Prior to joining the Sociology Department, Stephen was a Research Associate in the Centre on Dynamics of Ethnicity at the University of Manchester where he conducted research on untold stories in the anti-racist and anti-imperial struggle for civil rights and social justice in Britain during the 1960s and 1970s (with Satnam Virdee), workplace racism (with James Nazroo), and the relationship between race and class in post-Brexit Britain (with James Rhodes and Sivamohan Valluvan). Since 2018, Stephen has carried out research on different aspects of racial inequality and institutional whiteness in higher education at four different universities in England. This included research on the awarding gap in the social sciences, the effectiveness of widening participation schemes and the transition to undergraduate student life, and the impact of programmes designed to empower students racialised as non-white through the creation of safe spaces and a sense of belonging. Stephen co-edited and contributed to Routledge's recently published edited collection, Researching the Far Right: Theory, Method and Practice (Ashe, Busher, Macklin and Winter, 2020). Remi Joseph-Salisbury - Remi is a Presidential Fellow in Ethnicity and Inequalities at the University of Manchester. He is the author of 'Black Mixed-Race Men', and co-editor of 'The Fire Now: Anti-Racism in Times of Explicit Racial Violence'. He has written widely on race and racism, with a particular focus on education and policing. His forthcoming work, with Dr Laura Connelly, focuses on anti-racist scholar-activism in UK universities and will be published as a book in 2021. Race and Ethnicity in British Sociology Report: https://www.britsoc.co.uk/media/25345/bsa_race_and_ethnicity_in_british_sociology_report.pdf
As AFL Round 9 approaches, Jesse, Lenny & Busher get together to discuss Willie Rioli, Nathan Buckley and how the top 8 is shaping up for finals.
Thank you Paige Busher for your service to Youth Jam
In episode 1 of the Biome podcast, we discuss the reintroducing of beavers in the UK. Support our channel by subscribing and please comment below to join the conversation.Instagram.com/biomebygrizzlyinstagram.com/robi_watkinson_wildlifeinstagram.com/emma_hodson_wildlifeReferences for the podcast.(Alakoski, Kauhala, Tuominen and Selonen, 2020)Alakoski, R., Kauhala, K., Tuominen, S. and Selonen, V., 2020. Environmental factors affecting the distributions of the native Eurasian beaver and the invasive North American beaver in Finland. Biological Conservation, 248, p.108680.(Auster, Puttock and Brazier, 2019)Auster, R., Puttock, A. and Brazier, R., 2019. Unravelling perceptions of Eurasian beaver reintroduction in Great Britain. Area, 52(2), pp.364-375.(BARNETT, 2020)BARNETT, R., 2020. MISSING LYNX. [Place of publication not identified]: BLOOMSBURY WILDLIFE.(Bashinskiy, 2020)Bashinskiy, I., 2020. Beavers in lakes: a review of their ecosystem impact. Aquatic Ecology, 54(4), pp.1097-1120.(Graham et al., 2020)Graham, H., Puttock, A., Macfarlane, W., Wheaton, J., Gilbert, J., Campbell-Palmer, R., Elliott, M., Gaywood, M., Anderson, K. and Brazier, R., 2020. Modelling Eurasian beaver foraging habitat and dam suitability, for predicting the location and number of dams throughout catchments in Great Britain. European Journal of Wildlife Research, 66(3).(HALLEY, 2010)HALLEY, D., 2010. Sourcing Eurasian beaver Castor fiber stock for reintroductions in Great Britain and Western Europe. Mammal Review, 41(1), pp.40-53.(Jackowiak, Busher and Krauze-Gryz, 2020)Jackowiak, M., Busher, P. and Krauze-Gryz, D., 2020. Eurasian Beaver (Castor fiber) Winter Foraging Preferences in Northern Poland—The Role of Woody Vegetation Composition and Anthropopression Level. Animals, 10(8), p.1376.(Monbiot, n.d.)Monbiot, G., n.d. Feral. Penguin.(Thompson, Vehkaoja, Pellikka and Nummi, 2020)Thompson, S., Vehkaoja, M., Pellikka, J. and Nummi, P., 2020. Ecosystem services provided by beavers Castor spp. Mammal Review,.(Westbrook, Cooper and Baker, 2011)Westbrook, C., Cooper, D. and Baker, B., 2011. Beaver assisted river valley formation. River Research and Applications, 27(2), pp.247-256.(Wróbel, 2020)Wróbel, M., 2020. Population of Eurasian beaver (Castor fiber) in Europe. Global Ecology and Conservation, 23, p.e01046.Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/thebiomeproject)
Richmond are AFL premiers once again, having beaten Geelong Cats in the 2020 AFL Grand Final. Jesse and Busher reflect on the 2020 season that was, and the remarkable dynasty the Tigers are establishing.
On Friday, Isaac had Paige Busher (from Breakfast) on the show for Word of Fire. Paige spoke about how volunteering in the community and helping others, got her out of a scary mental health situation. If you missed, take a listen below.Word of Fire is brought to you by Emmanuel Christian Community School. Find out more at https://www.youthtalkradio.com/business-directory.htmlJoin Isaac for Youth Jam, every Friday from 7-9pm on YTR. Stream us online at youthtalkradio.com or via TuneIn.#youthtalk #youthjam
Idoya Pagadizabal ha recorrrido en bicicleta durante 40 días Tanzania y Kenia. Nos comunicamos con Jon y Bianka Vallejo. Llevan más de tres meses confinados en la ciudad de Busher en Irán. Viajan en coche y esperan a que les abran la forntera con Turquía para regresar a casa. Beatriz Farto ha dado la vuelta al mundo. En su periplo ha descubierto el senderismo y la naturaleza. Manuel Calvo y José Manuel Naranjo han realizado una expedición con perros de trineo por Alaska en homenaje a Felix Rodriguez de la Fuente. Marta Viar y Rafa Oteo recuerdan 9 meses a vela por la Polinesia....
Idoya Pagadizabal ha recorrrido en bicicleta durante 40 días Tanzania y Kenia. Nos comunicamos con Jon y Bianka Vallejo. Llevan más de tres meses confinados en la ciudad de Busher en Irán. Viajan en coche y esperan a que les abran la forntera con Turquía para regresar a casa. Beatriz Farto ha dado la vuelta al mundo. En su periplo ha descubierto el senderismo y la naturaleza. Manuel Calvo y José Manuel Naranjo han realizado una expedición con perros de trineo por Alaska en homenaje a Felix Rodriguez de la Fuente. Marta Viar y Rafa Oteo recuerdan 9 meses a vela por la Polinesia....
Strutting awkwardly down the steps into the pert parlour of plenty, flanked each side by Mirjana and Irena, Adgeen and Tony stumble through red velvet curtains. Two glasses of Louis Roederer’s finest Cristal are shoved in their faces by an effortlessly slender gentleman. Tony slaps him away, ordering instead two bottles of Tuborg much to the smirks of other McLapdancer staff. Adgeen’s about holding it together for the after party here but Tony has just pissed himself, wobbling toward a private room with a square-jawed Estonian. 50 Cent comes thumping on the P.A. and a thonged girl with a live snake jumps up on a shiny podium. Adgeen tells no-one in particular that “50 Cent was shot 8 times don’t you know”. Tony roars back beyond a curtain: “Yeah, but not in the head though!” The Friday Rock Show is ‘Looking Back At 2003’, when Ugg boots, double denim and Justin Timberlake were somehow relevant. A ghastly time for all involved but there was a sliver of Olympian light in the form of The Darkness, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Foo Fighters, Queens of the Stone Age and Audioslave. Adgeen and Tony tear into incredulous letters sent in from Tucker, DJ Jaffa, Mickleen, Clare, Gabbler, Busher and Seamus Conman, regaling us with tales of their strange goings-on in 2003. A time when everybody was trapped in lapdancing clubs, drinking too much and racking up huge credit card debt to fund whole families back in Eastern Oestrogena. But, my, they were lovin’ it! Da-da-da-da-daaaah! Amplevoicepod create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod. Listen now to adventures from Mount Pheasant, Timefiddler, UCLS, Mental Holmes and ATRS. Frumpy Dumpster, United Mutations, Panspermia and the Friday Rock Show. All with beautiful sound design and irreverent humour. Join Adgeen and Tony on their two-hour rock show 'The Friday Rock Show', reading our listener stories live on air, among the greatest rock & metal songs of the time. It's a bit of a giggle and it helps support indie artists and not that pack of rapacious celebrity parasites.
Hard rock hallelujah! Lordy, lordy, eh? Lordi? Who? Uh, no it’s not just the tune the Finns shat out, but it’s praise be for another sonic slab of Friday Rock Show. Hewn from the stratified limpet brains of Adgeen Byrne and Tony Wilson… They’ve alabastered themselves all over with The Friday Rock Show No.32. Pasty, lined and cold to the touch, we chip away at the dusty, gnarly face of the calcified absurdities of rock. There are chiselled boulders of inarticulate and explicit stories from our listeners, including Jagger, Uzbeki, Gabbler, Eric, Umar and Floyd Excelsior Ginkle. Not to mention the spits, curses and all round passive aggressiveness of Busher, for whom we roll some Aha out in honour of his favourite band. They write in, we read out and all sorts of tectonic shifts ensue. We blow some speakers with Manowar, head to California with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and get stoned with Tool. Letter-writer Gabbler flies back later in the show perched atop his Millenium Sirocco to give us his Sci-Fi Spot and there’s always time for a bit of ‘Don’t Fuck Up The Microphone’. However, the stupendous ego of Leo soon bounces raggedly into our view, sending us his story of studying ‘boom frequencies’ and claiming false sexual conquests. Come rappel down the smooth eroded slope of The Friday Rock Show No.32 with us and let’s get Alabastered together. Simply the best, highest, thin-aired peak of rock shows, on a Friday. It's certainly not 'Full Metal Jackie' if that's what you're thinking. Amplevoicepod create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod. Listen now to adventures from Mount Pheasant, Timefiddler, UCLS, Mental Holmes and ATRS. Frumpy Dumpster, United Mutations, Panspermia and the Friday Rock Show. All with beautiful sound design and irreverent humour. Join Adgeen and Tony on their two-hour rock show 'The Friday Rock Show', reading our listener stories live on air, among the greatest rock & metal songs of the time. It's a chaotic camaraderie. Find us, follow, subscribe and like.
Love your ears, let them flop and dangle along to the mighty Twenty Year Special from The Friday Rock Show. Adgeen and Tony have sparred over the microphone and gotten smart with each other for decades now. They’ve taunted, tricked and traded barbs. They’ve hocked, wheezed, sneezed and spat. Belched, burped and broke wind in a box room down in a basement, far away from polite society. And a good job too. Festering in their own bile and rancid juices, fermenting the next Friday Rock Show, the next strange story within and the next ignorant riposte across the airwaves. Listeners’ letters are attacked at will. There’s bemusery from Payter Farher, Fabian Mortimer, Baldy, Jagger, Simon Spratt, Turlough, Tucker, Shay Mozzarelli, Busher and Tom Shergar to name but most of them. It’s a symphony of sick, a cornucopia of crazy and a damn good time hearing their tales. Also there’s actually some rock ejaculated across the riotous correspondence, pretty little ditties from Queens of the Stone Age, Type O Negative, System of a Down and more multisyllabic bands. Oh and Udo… Remember him? Surely you accept you know him, your balls would be to the walls if you didn’t. But this time, his solo effort was The Tune The Box Spat Out. Pity. Then look no more for some ‘Mad Moments’, a hastily strewn together pile of puerility taken from the most recent ten years of shows up to the time this one went out, which by now is a long time ago but thanks to this you have the change to time travel back to when it was now. Celebrate this jamboree of juvenility, this orgy of originality and rejoice, for the weekend is here, with the weekend men propelling the most intense podcast on the planet. This is the Twenty Year Special from The Friday Rock Show. Amplevoicepod create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod. © Copyright Amplevoicepod
This is when me and dirty ol’ bastard Adgeen Byrne went to the seaside, set up the Rock Pool and did a live radio broadcast from the Silver Strand in the cold of an Irish summer. It’s The Friday Rock Show at the Silver Strand. Yis don’t know where it is? Well, hint, it’s not yer granny’s landing strip down on the old acre, no, it’s a beach on the east coast of Ireland. It’s the ‘greatest shingle beach’ in the world, so say the desperate local tourist office, as they try stop residents fly-tipping across the dunes. Now it’s a painful fact, I don’t like the sun. Too big a star for me and I hate stars. Mostly the cunty ones living on this Earth… You know the sort, the attention beggars; ‘buy my shite ‘til I inject more botox.’ Thankfully I missed most of it. I’ve a 33-year studio tan, buried deep in patchbays, ribbon mics and big faders. Adgeen had to drag me off with the hat on and the talons out, to hit the beach and splash around. Nearly had a spasm. We dove into the wrinkly rock pool with submerged cassettes for music, unprovoked aggression for entertainment and other strange things that are not quite right. We’ve an array of wonderment in the show; ‘Pull the Nogger’, ‘Sgt. Bourney’s Lonely Rock Club Band’, ‘Professor Critic’, ‘Turgidy’ and ‘Areyamadindehed’. Plus stories from Colm, Busher, Katja, Joey Kafola, Gunnar Murphy and Baldy. We spurt out some great Paramore, Helloween, Nickleback, Bon Jovi, Judas Priest and Linkin Park too. So unsheathe the feet, grate off the hard skin and head on down with Adgeen and Tony of The Friday Rock Show to the Silver Strand and splash around with us, here on this teeny 2.20 minute grain of a clip, where it’s indisputably confirmed that DJ Adgeen is a dirty ol’ bastard. Then bask in the awesome full-length show wriggling down the streams yonder. Amplevoicepod create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod.
Live, on a Friday, the mighty meniscus rubbing Friday Rock Show is back! And back with Pat Shaughnessy! Pat is the one and only guitarist from Greenane in Wicklow, Ireland. He performs in the double-jumper guitar suit the mother made him and not long ago he joined DJ Adgeen Byrne and me, Tony Wilson, on this here show up at the North Pole! Yes. The North Pole. Pat played us a few of his icy chords in his icy cords as we were sent up North by management to broadcast, as they said, our "highly overrated yet frustratingly popular" rock show. We huddled in our 'Rock Igloo' to give you the very best to warm up your tubes. We bring you Norman Tash and his (very) drunk geography, crispy biscuits and Pat 'The Fingerer' Shaughnessy in all his encrusted glory playing you some Joe Satriani, Led Zeppelin and eh, Vanilla Ice... Stories and twisted tales aplenty too from Uncle Nobber, Lindor, Alberto, Tucker, Busher and Sheany Van Vesterhaysen. So it's time to rock down to, the Rock Igloo... Nobody takes you higher! (For at least 2 hours, 30 mins)... Amplevoicepod create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod.
This is it, this is the BIG one! The Friday Rock Show loosens the ladies' lips! On the FRS #41 we invited five of the biggest female front-women in rock on the show and chat to them about what drives them into the cliched, male-dominated, slightly-backward world of heavy metal. There's Suzuka Nakamoto, Elize Ryd, Sharon Den Adel, Taylor Momsen (who said she fucked a priest, but she was only cackin' out her arse as usual... Pretty reckless of her I'd say), and Maria Brink, to put us men in our place. Plus a surprise guest for my superstar preening DJ Adgeen Byrne, bringing back his obsessive memories of standing outside her window, writing 500 letters. And I had to help the poor tool. We play their music, we love their voices and we listen to them all night long. It's the Queens of the New Rage. Also, if that wasn't enough for yis, we've listeners' letters read out live on air from Baldy (again, he's like a bad smell), Dwayne and his diary, Jo Hoff De Bongerd, Tasher Singh, Martin J Tyler floats across the fields in a very trippy tale of lost love and we round off the 2-hour feminine feast with Busher and his 'THWAPPY PAA'! What is a 'Thwappy Paa'? I'm not sure, and I was there, but I'll listen again to find out. And you can too, grab the full length on all the podcastery sites below. So just join Adgeen and Tony on their two-hour rock show 'The Friday Rock Show', reading our listener stories live on air, among the greatest rock & metal songs of the time. Dare to be odd. Amplevoicepod create original, scripted, character & plot-driven comedy dramas. We construct fully immersive HD audio adventures. More than just a podcast, we are the Voice of Pod. © Copyright Amplevoicepod
Tony Wilson here, producer extraordinaire, bringing you another great promotion clip of The Friday Rock Show from Amplevoicepod. This is from episode 44, christened WOOL FREAKS. The title taken from a great story sent in by regular listener Busher. We play 10 rock songs of the day and read out 10 listener letters over two hours. That's the routine. It's a rock show with added audio drama. We've been at this for years. We're fairly alright at it. We were bred mouldy but we were podcasting back in '87, when all other podcasts were just fields. Seismic story contributor Busher is joined by Pastor Badpaw, Orpheus Telch, Mikayla, John Paul Slaney, Foggy, Macaroon and more of our dodgy correspondents who get their beautiful tales teased out on air by DJ Adgeen Byrne, unably supported by me; producer Tony Wilson. So please, let us tongue you aurally. Listen in, follow and maybe be a regular returnee, comment, contribute, say hi, and enjoy all of the current and future fantastic audio we dig up from our backwoods in Wicklow, Ireland. We at Amplevoicepod also make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out original feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Check out Mount Pheasant, Frumpy Dumpster, ATRS, Panspermia, United Mutations, Mental Holmes and more! © Copyright Amplevoicepod
It came to pass. The Son of Baldy was crucified by metal-hybrid Foghornious, usurping the orders of Soupalon High Commander Dickus Soupus to fake the killing as a show of dominion over Earth. Dickus Soupus knew all about betrayal, he had sent five humans to the nearest Soupalon planet colony, The Savage Garden, under the guise of his own revolution, only for the humans to be trialled by Pedup Bauer, head gardener, to exploit human weakness and use it against them, via The Facefly, The Trail of Bees and Gay Chris’s Futcha-Futcha game show. But the humans prevailed and the garden destroyed, only after the most revolting human in history, Baldy, gave birth to an egg rectally. The Son of Baldy was born and after crucifixion, born again! Guiding the remaining 4 tenacious, reckless, human resistors, Ratchly town residents: Tucker, Arlee, Jagger and Busher, to destroy Soupalon plans of pumping Neozine at the Ratchly Chemical Factory into the crop spray. Neozine would infect the food chain and infantilise human brains, breeding idiocy and bringing Soupalon closer to full invasion. Imogen Telch, the woman who helped our heroes, freed them from Whitehaven Asylum, was slain by Foghornious before it, factory foreman Bert Kavanagh, Soupalon High Commander Dickus Soupus and assistant Spikus, all drowned as Tucker thwarted Bert Kavanagh’s final attempt to unleash the Neozine into the supply pipes. The Soupalon interdimensional enemy, The Meemong, first found on the face of Busher, then through radio frequency to Arlee, and after through Imogen Telch, assisted our able men by abducting then decapitating Busher, fusing a giant baby head to his body so as to ‘fight like babies’ to defeat the Soupalon Neozine plan. Now, The Meemong have sent The Ratchly Resistance: Tucker, Arlee, Jagger and Busher, in intergalactic flying armchairs, to follow The Son of Baldy to the Soupalon home world. With just one aim. Kill all Soupalons. (Armchairs in space FX), (Orbit materialisation) Orbit: I am Orbit. You have entered Soupalon, you are now in Orbit’s Welcome Zone. Many good welcomes! I will be your planetary guide and get you all set up for arrival. Arlee: Who’s this lad Jagger? Jagger: Could be our friends, the Meemong, Arlee, in-flight service, show us how to kill the Soupalon! Orbit: I am Orbit. What an interesting travel mode you have. Upholstered armchairs from an M Planet in the arm of Orion. I have intercepted your frequency to usher you in effortlessly as per protocol of our great civilisation of Soupalon. Tucker: So not the Meemong then. Busher: Shut up Tucker. Play it cool. Trust no one. PEAH! What do you want you holographic hoor?! Orbit: Good Welcomes human! I speak your English! Remember! Soupalon harbours 38% Oxygen, double your atmosphere. Please be aware of oxidative stress! Busher: Get out of me face! Orbit: You may feel a little nauseous, but then you will feel almost alert and active. Jagger: Do you serve tomato juice? Tucker: How do they speak our language Busher? That’s what I want to know. Busher: Maybe it was Baldy! Tucker: SON of Baldy… Busher: Phwizzz! Family of arseholes! Doesn’t matter, we’re here to defeat these Soupal- Tucker: Pipe down Busha! What you say about playin’ it cool? Jagger: You’re right Busher, what did the Son of Baldy say? Eh, ‘The Kingdom of Baldy is near’ he said. Arlee: Go ‘Tom’ Baldy! Jagger: Ah, it’ll be good t’see Tom again. Busher: As much as I despise the cunt… no, no, he’d still let ya down, no matter what! Orbit: Engaging Soupalon atmosphere. Humans, be prepared to burn twice as much for half as long. Enjoy your stay! (Opening Credit) (Armchairs land) (Vomit) Arlee: Awww, puked. Orbit: Soupalon entry sickness. It will pass quickly as you acclimatise. (Soupalon atmosphere) Jagger: Where’s this now? Look at the size of those trees! Tucker: Jurassic. (Massive bird wafts by) Arlee: Holy fong! Did you see the size of that bird? Busher: Roight, let’s cover these chairs and get on with it! Jagger: Uh, I feel like I’ve smoked fifteen joints. Orbit: There is no point my friendly visitors. We know you are here. We have an aliens department led by the great Mox Faulder. (Mox: ‘Hey Mox Faulder, How ya doin’?’) He will have been notified. Between you, me and our trees, it’s a secret agency to deal with this sort of thing. Tucker: Yeah, we have the same back home. Busher: No we don’t, that’s not real. Tucker: Yes it is. Arlee: Well, it should be if it isn’t. Jagger: Orbit, so you’re not the Meemong? Arlee: Jagger!? Orbit: The, who? I am not familiar with that name. Ah but Mox Faulder would know. (Mox: ‘Hey Mox Faulder, How ya doin’?’) He’s made contact with many advanced alien species. Have you fought with any intergalactic species before? Busher: We fought you, the Soupalon! Arlee: Ssssh. I thought you wanted us to come in quiet? Orbit: I’m not programmed to understand this remark, for we have never fought with humans in our illustrious history! Tucker: Yes ya have! Jagger: Took me up onto your Clinkership and you raped me! Busher: You never said anything about rape Jagger, Jagger: Pumped me full of their chemicals too. (flashback) I nearly lost the head. Busher: I actually lost mine! Replaced me beautiful body with this overgrown baby bulk! Tucker: That was the Meemong, and that was for your own good, to save humanity. Orbit: Meemong... No. Systems report no history of this name. Arlee: You’re lyin’. Orbit: You need to seek out the Mox Faulder. You have reached the limit of Orbit’s welcoming zone. Goodbye! (Disappears) Arlee: Poof gone! Jagger: Sneaky fuckers. Tucker: What do we do now lads? Busher: We have to summon the Meemong back. They are our only hope. Arlee: And find Baldy while we’re at it. Busher: Yeah, yeah, but look at me face, are me moles moving? Are the Meemong tryin’ to communicate? Show us a sign! You brought us here to destroy our common enemy! Mox: Hey! Busher: Ahhh! Stand back! Mox: How ya doin’? Jagger: You’re not Baldy, you’re huge! Mox: On behalf of the planet I welcome you, all uh four of you, to Soupalon! Tucker: The size of ya! Who are you? Jagger: He’s a fuckin’ avatar! Mox: Nah, just Mox Faulder, in the flesh, welcoming party! Arlee: At least 7 and a half foot tall! Jagger: Nice brown corduroy threads man. He looks like Bill Ward. Arlee: Ah, and speaks English of course. Mox: Of course. There are lots of different spacefaring races in our spiral arm, we are very diplomatic. I mean you chaps are just one non-notable race among thousands. But a warm welcome anyway! Amplevoicepod make lovely sound-designed ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I & II & III are 8.5-hours of a sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite ‘Battle of the Planets’ but just as awesome.
Arlee: (Muffled) uh, uh, is he alive? Imogen: I hit him too hard! I’m so sorry Ned! Tucker: Busher? (Slap, slap, slap). What’s left of him. Wake up mate! Fack look! His moles are back on his face. Quick, put him in the armchair. Jagger: Wheeezee! He looks like a sumo wrestler. Mr Marshmallow! Yes! Arlee: Can’t even see his mickey. Busher: Stop hittin’ mae! Let me sit up. Arlee: What have the Meemong done to you? You’ve got moles! Tucker: How the fack do you have an overgrown baby body? Busher: It’s still me! Arlee: And that yeah, obviously… Busher: They transplanted mae onto this body to permanently feed mae brain with baby blood. To return to me face and infuse mae with phenomenal consciousness! Imogen: This is what the Meemong wanted! In Whitehaven when you were all dribbling and full of Diazepam… You can really fight like babies! He is a baby! We need to go now! They will start using the poison... Busher: Peah! That’s what they sa- Hey, what’s with all the smoke? Tucker: Where did they suck you off into? You a-ascended into the clouds! Arlee: Just before the metal Lilo shot shit out of Dessie, Tash and all the other dead lads. Jagger: Only one way to defeat the Soupalon… Fight them how they expect. So we’re gonna have to- (Lights Rothman’s, inhales, exhales) Jagger: Fight like a baby. Busher: YEAH! A brain unable to shut things out. Feeling pure emotion! Less analytical. Influenced by imagination. You must ‘empty everything’ they said. This is how to win! Imogen: The Countdown IS Underway, there IS a New Tomorrow! We have to move… Busher: Roight! Peah Come on! Chest puffed out! We can win lads! I care now! I care a lot! Jagger: But how DO we fight like a babby? Do we need nappies?! Ha! Huh, wheeeh, huuuuagh! Busher: Shuttup Jagger! Spit those cigarettes out and open your mind. I can train yis. You must forget everything. They think we are weak and defenceless. This is when we fight! Arlee: Kill the Soupalon! Busher: Lissen! Listen to mae! A day after the Sabbath... That’s what they said. Tucker: Aiy? That what your face is telling ya? Imogen: Em, eh I’m sorry. I’m not quite sure actually what you’re talking about at the moment. What is a Sabbath? Jagger: (incredulous) What’s a Sabbath? (Cassette, click, play) Jagger: This is a Sabbath! Busher: You always do this Jagger! Turn that shite off! Arlee: Hang on, today’s Sunday isn’t it? Tucker: What’s left of it… Jagger: Jaysus! It’s just before sunrise on the day after the Sabbath! This was meant to be. We ARE the righteous... It’s what Baldy would have wanted! Busher: Peah! Fuck Baldy. It’s what the Meemong want! Arlee: Holy fong. Your moles are makin’ an arrow! We need to get out of these chairs now! Busher: Phwizzz! Me face is back! This is for you Ginger! Tucker: Got any clothes for him Jagger? Jagger: I have a pair of purple flares and a Nirvana t-shirt. ’92, great gig… Busher: Fuck sake. Tucker: If we’re going after the Soupalon, Meemong or not, we need to play this right. We go to the chemical factory to shut it down… Imogen: They just absolutely can’t use that Neozine. Arlee: We need more supplies. We should go back to Dessie’s bunker. Busher: Dessie’s bunker? Arlee: Where we buried Baldy. Jagger: Here try these on. Tucker: Ok, ok, Busher; me and Imogen will go with you to the chemical plant. Jagger, you and Arlee check out Ratchly square, stock up at the bunker. We rendezvous in the fork-yard out back of the factory. Jagger: I’m on for that. I’ll do that. We’ll do that, right Arlee? Arlee: I hope we’re not too late. Busher: The state of me. I look more stupid in your clothes than I did when I was fat and naked. Tucker: No. It looks like you’re ready to kill some fackin’ Soupalon. (Jagger turns up Black Sabbath)Arlee: Ah fuckin’ spare us! (Arlee smashes Jagger’s cassette player) Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.
Dickus: What are yis doin’? What the fuck are yis doin’?! Foghornious: Aroooo! Dickus: Betrayer. BETRAYER! Spikus: Uh-ohh… Dickus: Foghornious? Here! I command you to answer me! (Thunder, lightning, wind) Jagger: Bit of a wind getting up. Clone Baldus: My brother’s day has caused the sky to blacken. Dickus: You... Killed… The Starchild! Busher: Peah, gobshites! Always killing Baldy. Everytime! What about mae? Someone kill mae! Arlee: Shut up! Imogen: Look! The church... (Rumble, crack, crumble, clang) Tucker: That thing’s coming down! Oooh! (Collapsing rubble) Spikus: I’m scared Dickus, I never saw things like this here before. Dickus: Come here to me! You disobeyed a direct order! You’re being disassembled! Foghornious: Course of action. Denied! (Locks on target) Dickus: Don’t you point that thing at me! (Gravestones shoot into the air) Jagger: Bidda fuck! Tombstones! Shootin’ into the sky! Busher: Shyeah right... Arlee: Holy fong! I’m glad I’m in this cage now. Tucker: Hold onnnn… (Earthquake, cage rattle, rock split, tombs break open) Dickus: Put the weapon down ya metal motherfucker. Get off me leg Spikus! Slaggers! I need the Clinkership. Slaggers: Overlord. Atmosphere thickened below. But will attempt to enter. (Crash, crumble, collapse,) Spikus: Dickuuuuus! Imogen: What are… Dickus: What’s that? Tucker: Who are they? Jagger: Here, that’s big Miley at the front of them! He’s been dead ten years. Busher: PEAH! Zombies! Ratchly’s dead have risen! Arlee: They’re coming this way. Imogen: This is the Countdown. It is Underway.. No Tomorrow! No tomo- (Zombies start running) Tucker: We need to get out of this cage! Arlee: Better in than out I’d say. Miley: Vooooooom!(Force field emanates) Jagger: Eh? Miley? Miley: K.Leee.F! Voooom! Hurururh! Jagger: It’s eh, it’s good to see you lad. You’re looking rough. Imogen: Eurhgh, the stink. Miley: Voooom! We are the Meemong! And you must come with us. You must empty everything. Arlee: The Meemong? Dickus: Wha? Meemong? Imogen: They? Are the Meemong? Tucker: He’s lookin’ at you Busher… Busher: Yeah, yeah, take me. Whatever… Miley: Voooom! So you may rise up Busher! (Wind rushes, cage rattles, flash of energy) Busher: Ahoha! AHHH! I’m taking off! Ah, AH- (Launches into space) Me runner-boots! Tucker: Busha? Like a missile! (Runner-boots land back on the ground) Dickus: Busher? Tucker: Busha? Arlee: Busher? Jagger: How’d he get through the steel? Arlee: Gone! Imogen: Why did they take him? Why? Tucker: Ah shut up Imogen! Jagger: Busher… Heeeee’s gonna walk right into heav-en! Narrator: Busher ascends to the sky, only his white runner-boots left. Ratchly’s dead have risen as Foghornious betrays Dickus Soupus, using long nails. The Son of Baldy is crucified. Died to save arseholes. An enthralling new ear-film audio adventure from the saintly sound designers at Amplevoicepod. PANSPERMIA II has our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escaping the Soupalon & their Savage Garden orb and have re-entered Earth, currently hiding out in Dessie Morgan’s pub on Ratchly town square. Deep breaths... The 'Son of Baldy' had been sent to guide our heroes but instead he has turned himself in to the Soupalon as an act of 'pure love' to save humanity. The Soupalon are confused by this behaviour. They had already engineered his body double, the one they called 'Baldus', to infiltrate the humans, by washing their feet inside the pub. So now, in the square outside the pub, Dickus Soupus, Soupalon High Commander, needs to make an example of the 'Son of Baldy' to show the humans that resistance is just not on. The sun is about to rise on the real Son of Baldy’s ultimate sacrifice. The only hope for our primitive band of humans is Imogen Telch, who wants to 'seed the world' with the power of the Meemong, calling upon these celestial beings to save Earth and destroy Soupalon. An intrinsically epic 96 minute sci-fi monster showcasing the creative brain of Amplevoicepod. It's new, it's fresh, it's original. Take a chance, lie back and enjoy it. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite the Adventures of Mr Benn but just as awesome.
In Dessie Morgan’s pub, (Clone) Baldus infiltrates the humans by washing their feet. In the square outside, the sun rises on the Son of Baldy’s ultimate sacrifice. Dickus: Right. Here looks good. Right in the middle of the main square yeah? Maximum viewage! Spikus: It’s very exposed Dickus. Dickus: Like your ignorance Spikus! Foghornious: Here is a fine place to die. (Metal cage drops to ground) Bert: Hagh? Don’t look at me when you’re saying that. Dickus: We need to send out a signal to these humanses that they don’t just climb aboard our crafts, fly to our Savage Garden and make the Boghead angry! Bert: Anyway, I should be getting back to the factory. We’re near ready to run the first batch injection of Neozine. You know yourself… Baldy: Calm yourself my child. Bert: Hah? Hagh… Foghornious: Human, you may return to usefulness and productivity at the injection centre. Bert: Yep! That’s right! But, eh, shouldn’t you just, hagh, square it with the boss first before I- Foghornious: Leave. Now. Bert: Yep, yep! Yes! I’m already not here. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks again. And may God… fuckin’ help yis. Baldy: My father awaits me. My journey to him is fearless. Go in peace Bert Kavanagh, for you are man. Bert: Better you than me in that cage. You can handle it. I’d have shit meself. All the best! Dickus: But how are you supposed to put it together? Spikus: It’s got two parts Dickus, this part higher up, I think. Dickus: We may raise it up on a mound or somethin’, so they all can get a good eyeful. Hey! Hey metaller! Where’s Bert Kavanagh headin’? Foghornious: I summoned him to return to work Overlord. Dickus: Eh… yeah… ok. Good thinkin’! Initiative. Like it. Right! We need- Spikus?! Spikus: Big beams of Earth Wood. Dickus: Should we put him in the cage on top of these beams of Earth Wood? Spikus: I don’t think so Dickus. Foghornious: Overlord. The human beast shall be suspended upon this organic intersection, his extremities punctured by wrought iron fasteners called ‘nails’, into the structure beneath. Dickus: Oooh, sounds good! Then what? We phaser the fuck out of him back into the gooey mess he was born from? Foghornious: The human shall hang by nail upon this beam until life extinguishes. Dickus: Hardcore, I love that! (Cage rattles) Dickus: D’ya hear that Baldy ‘Starchild’? You going to your heaven, is going to be one hell of a show! Baldy: I forgive yis. Dickus: Yeah whatever. Foghornious: Entering Earth atmosphere. Understood. Proceed... Sean The Degus: (Piloting Clinkership) Yes Overlord… (Inside Dessie’s Pub) Imogen: AAAAAAAH! Arlee: Can someone shut her up! Jagger! Punch her in the face or something. Tucker: She’s goin’ to attract some attention. Clone Baldus: She is attempting communication, beyond this dimension… Jagger: Maybe it’s the Meemong. Arlee: Maybe Jagger. No working radios, she may improvise! Tucker: Has she made contact? Busher: Has me face moved? Jagger: Can’t see your moles for the big purple bruises Ned. Busher: I’m destroyed! Imogen: It is no use! They are too difficult to intercept. They cannot communicate by radio wave as we have no receiver. They cannot communicate through Busher’s face for, it is also broken. Busher: Stop sayin’ it! Imogen: But… There is one final way… Arlee: Tell us! Imogen: You must become naked and form a circle around Busher. Tucker: Naked? Jagger: Heeee, Yeh. Clone Baldus: We must proceed. This is the only way to contact them, to defeat the Soupalon. Busher: Form a circle around mae? What do I have to do? Imogen: Nothing, for you must be the receiver. Busher: Of what? Imogen: The Meemong formed successful symbiosis with us. Our moles, marks, erupting, reproducing, barely moving- Tucker: Naked yeah! We may not have Busher’s moley face but we have moles elsewhere! Imogen: The Meemong are inside all of us and can be released through your… (pause). Arlee: Our what? Tucker: Through our body moles of course! Imogen: No; through your- collective ejaculation. Arlee: Excuse me? Tucker: Hey? Busher: Fuck off peah! Imogen: It is the only way. To initiate the Meemong you must all ejaculate your semen onto Busher’s face. It will bring the moles back to life! Busher: Phwiizzz! Haha! No way! Mamaaaay! Ginger! Ginger: Moeeeowwww. (Clinkership begins to enter atmosphere) Jagger: What’s that noise lads? Clone Baldus: It is the Soupalon. Their ships. They are launching their Earth invasion. Tucker: They’ll find us soon enough. Lads, we have to do it. Imogen: The Meemong are our only hope. Busher: Peah NO!! Arlee: Grab him! Tie him to the chair! Tucker: Now! Busher: Ahhh! Get off me! Mammaay! Patrick! Cantona! Jagger: Use our belts… Here- Tucker: Yes! (Clinkership descends closer) Imogen: Hurry! Busher: Rapers! Rapers! Leave mae alone! Ahaahaha! Tickles! Ginger: Meeoow? Jagger: Imogen. Can, can I look at your face? I don’t think I could get the rise looking at Busher’s swollen gob. Imogen: Look at me. If you have to… Arlee: Fierce pressure. Tucker: To save the world! Nnnnggg! (Masturbation) Clone Baldus: Heheheh. Ah Baldy… Imogen: Harder! Faster! Jagger: Dirty bitch… come on, yeah! Wheeeeeezeeee! Busher: Don’t look Ginger, close your eyes. Arlee: Aim for the face, Tucker: Bastard… Arlee: Aim for the face- Imogen: Seed the world! Let them know it’s survival time! Come on! Jagger: Oh yeah, nearly there! Tucker: Sick… Arlee: His face Jagger! Busher: Please… peah… no…. Imogen: Yes! Oh my god yes! You fucking animals! Asshole fucking men! It’s a, it’s a… Panspermia! Tucker: Wh-what did you just- Imogen: Fuck you! Jagger: Huuuaaaarggh! Siiiiick! Tucker: Wait-Urrrnghf! Busher: Aaaah! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Mnnggg! Arlee: Fuck! Busher! Comin’! Uuuughgh. Busher: Splaaa-aah! Imogen: Yes! Yes! Tucker: What did you just say? A ‘Pan Spermia’? Arlee: Anything happenin’ yet, with his face? Looks fucking sick though… Busher: F-f-f-f-sniff, waaaa… Bastards… (The Soupalon ‘Clinkership’ lands in Ratchly main square) An enthralling new ear-film audio adventure from the saintly sound designers at Amplevoicepod. PANSPERMIA II has our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escaping the Soupalon & their Savage Garden orb and have re-entered Earth, currently hiding out in Dessie Morgan’s pub on Ratchly town square. Deep breaths... The 'Son of Baldy' had been sent to guide our heroes but instead he has turned himself in to the Soupalon as an act of 'pure love' to save humanity. The Soupalon are confused by this behaviour. They had already engineered his body double, the one they called 'Baldus', to infiltrate the humans, by washing their feet inside the pub. So now, in the square outside the pub, Dickus Soupus, Soupalon High Commander, needs to make an example of the 'Son of Baldy' to show the humans that resistance is just not on. The sun is about to rise on the real Son of Baldy’s ultimate sacrifice. The only hope for our primitive band of humans is Imogen Telch, who wants to 'seed the world' with the power of the Meemong, calling upon these celestial beings to save Earth and destroy Soupalon. An intrinsically epic 96 minute sci-fi monster showcasing the creative brain of Amplevoicepod. It's new, it's fresh, it's original. Take a chance, lie back and enjoy it. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite the Adventures of Mr Benn but just as awesome.
Clone Baldus: We have arrived. This is the Ratchly chemical factory. I will leave you now brother… Baldy: I am he. Clone Baldus: And I disappear… (Walking, approaching the factory) Foghornious: Human. Bert: Hagh? Is he talking to me? Who’s- Talking to me? Are you talkin’ to me? Hagh, who ya talkin’ to? Dickus: Calm down Bert, he’s only trying to make friends with ya. Foghornious: You are self-defeating; you act against each other’s interests, you compete viciously for limited resources. Bert: And that’s good do you think? I don’t know what to think. Do you know? Spikus: Uh-oooh… Dickus: What now Spikus, can’t you see we’re ahead for once? The resistance are no more. They’re on the run, half of them out of action and looks like they’ve lost their mutations. Spikus: Why? Dickus: Speaking of mutants, when will the Vat of Mutagen be up and running Bert? Farmers be wanting to spray the crops! Bert: The Neozine is mixed in now. Once pipes are open we can begin the first batch injection this time tomorra. Dickus: Excellento! Spikus: But look Dickus! Dickus: Wha? Lissen, it was nice knowing them like but a job’s a job Spikus! All we need now is to kill Busher, find the starchild I punched out of Baldy’s stomach and we’re set for home! Spikus: L-l-l-look! Dickus! Dickus: Home Spikus! What’s wrong witch-… oh- Baldy: I know all that is going to happen to me, so I ask of you; who is it you want? Dickus: Jesus Christ! Would you look who it is! Baldy: I am he. Who is it you want? Dickus: The wandering fool returns. Are you all right? What’s happened to your voice? Still a bit scrambled by the Slaggers? So, what have you got to report? Baldy: I told you that I am he. If you are looking for me, then let all you seek go. I have not lost one of those you gave me. Dickus: Is he making any sense? Bert: Do yis want anything from the canteen, it’s lunchtime now! Baldy: I have spoken openly to the world. I taught in the coffin shed, in a field. Not far from here, where all the human resistance come together. Dickus: Bidda lord, listen to that Spikus! You were right Baldus. You DID infiltrate the fuckers. How’d ya do it? Baldy: I said nothing in secret. Ask those who heard me. Surely they know what I said- (Slap in the face) Foghornious: Is this the way you answer the high commander? Baldy: If I said something wrong, testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did yis strike me? Dickus: I am little confused here now Baldus. You said you’d infiltrate the human resistance. What do they know? Can ‘Jagger’ still slow down time? Baldy: But I am not my brother’s keeper. I am the Starchild, Son of Baldy, who art my father in the heavens. (Phasers drawn) Dickus: What the fuck did you just say? Foghornious: Aroooooo! Opening Credits… An enthralling new ear-film audio adventure from the saintly sound designers at Amplevoicepod. PANSPERMIA II has our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escaping the Soupalon & their Savage Garden orb and have re-entered Earth, currently hiding out in Dessie Morgan’s pub on Ratchly town square. Deep breaths... The 'Son of Baldy' had been sent to guide our heroes but instead he has turned himself in to the Soupalon as an act of 'pure love' to save humanity. The Soupalon are confused by this behaviour. They had already engineered his body double, the one they called 'Baldus', to infiltrate the humans, by washing their feet inside the pub. So now, in the square outside the pub, Dickus Soupus, Soupalon High Commander, needs to make an example of the 'Son of Baldy' to show the humans that resistance is just not on. The sun is about to rise on the real Son of Baldy’s ultimate sacrifice. The only hope for our primitive band of humans is Imogen Telch, who wants to 'seed the world' with the power of the Meemong, calling upon these celestial beings to save Earth and destroy Soupalon. An intrinsically epic 4-part (total 96 minute) sci-fi monster showcasing the creative brain of Amplevoicepod. It's new, it's fresh, it's original. Take a chance, lie back and enjoy it. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite 'Bod' but just as awesome.
Jagger, bound and gagged, is signed over by his father to Whitehaven Psychiatric. Out at the chemical factory, Arlee and Imogen seek answers. Arlee: Quiet now Imogen. This is the Ratchly Chemical Factory. And no offence, but if you only knew what went on here in the past, it’d piss all over your C.U.N.T. Imogen: What’s wrong with Countdown Underway New Tomorrow? The Meemong are part of us and I gave them to you. Arlee: You go into a trance though. You’re like an empty vessel. They fill your sparse mind! My mind has always been closed. I’m as ignorant as they come! But somehow things no-one should ever hear, I have heard, and things no-one should ever see- Imogen: have seen, yes, uh-huh, sorry but listen, Mr- Arlee: Arlee… Imogen: Mr Arlee, I have just seen a man’s moles move on his face and a man turn spit into plants. Maybe I am catching up? Arlee: It’ll be a while yet... Now you stay put. It could be dangerous. Everything looks different to the last time I was here. But one thing hasn’t changed… Dirty infestation! Imogen: Oh well, careful then Arlee. It could possibly kill you. Arlee: Great, thanks. You’re an asset to the team. Imogen: I’ll hide inside this pipe duct. Arlee: Good idea. Stay out of the way… Right, this is Arlee Davidson, Ratchly Radio’s best presenter… Ugh, I’m doing this for you… Lorna… and the future of humanity. Imogen: Who are you speaking to? Arlee: Fuck off… (Walks down steel walkway) Arlee: That looks like the foreman’s office. Careful now Arlee, stay far back out of harm’s way… like Charlie Bird reportin’ in a war… (Steam burst) Arlee: Ahh me eyes! Fuckin’ steam pipe. Who put that there! Ahh- (Foghornius foot slams down) Foghornius: Need a tissue? (Tissues plucked from a box) Arlee: Thanks yeah, do you know where I can fi-AARGHGHGH!! Foghornius: Arooooo! Arlee: Lilo! Lilo McGregor?! But, but you’re dead! Seventeen years ago I s-saw you die! Foghornius: Sensing digestive and cognitive overload. Arlee: Awww, me head, this isn’t… aw, voices, Lilo… you’re de- (Collapses) (Duct perspective) Imogen: (breathing) Foghornius: Cognitive functions… ceased. Narrator: Arlee breaks down at sight of his long-gone friend Lilo, in front of the hidden and frightened Imogen. (Dickus, Spikus and Bert run over) Dickus: What’s the commotion, my metal lord? Spikus: Oooh, it’s- it’s… Bert: Hagh, who’s this lad? Dickus: Would ya look who it is! Is he alive? Foghornius: Limited vital signs. Spikus: Wha-oohm, what do we do with him Dickus? Dickus: Well he’s as useless as you Spike! Dump him in the ditch. We don’t need this one. His mutation posed no danger. Where are the other revolters? Hang on, stop the lights! Didn’t our last Overlord Malthus Brindle get transmissions from ‘Jagger’? Something about him falling in the ‘Vat of Mutagen’ back in ’99? Got covered in our bio-chip formula… Spikus: Bio chips! Dickus: Opened up a channel didn’t he? Foghornious! Foghornius: The human’s signal is scrambled. It is this planet’s magnetic loop. Dickus: No, too much drugs probably. Stoned as usual, no wonder he could slow down time. Actually, maybe we did that, yunno, that time we kidnapped him and put him into the Perverter up on the Clinkership? Foghornius: It is this planet’s magnetic loop; too much interference when relaying in and out of the atmosphere to the Savage Garden. Dickus: Here, you’re showing off now! No-one likes a big-head. Spikus: Exactly! Dickus: Are you talking about me? Spikus: Ah, I said nothing as usual Dickus. Dickus: Right, we need to kidnap the ‘Tucker’. He’s got a super big brain, probably even more than Tonus. He grew an even bigger one on the Savage Garden… Just add it to the list- Bert: Hagh, ha-ha-aggh… Dickus: What’s wrong with you? Having a Heptikleptic fit? Bert: Hagh, ha-ha-aggh, hmm, did you say ‘Tucker’? Sure he turned up for work this mornin’! Said he had a contract with the plant. Former fuckin’ foreman Gerry Frehley signed it. Dickus: Hear that Spikus?! It just keeps getting better and better! Bert: He’s on the forks now out in the yard! Dickus: Don’t even have to hunt them down! (Yard atmosphere, forklift stops, jumps down) Tucker: Right (opens container), this looks a likely candidate. ‘Neozine… 1-Chloro-3-ethylamino-5-isopropylamino-2,4,6-triazineI’, ‘Atrazine…’ Is this that fackin’ poison? Gotta try and get a sample of each. Dickus: Before what? Tucker: Before I get see- aw faack! Foghornius: Do not move human. Tucker: Argh! Foghorn! You fell off Jagger’s denims into the mutagen! I saw you- Dickus: Die! Yes, yes, the other one said that too. Tucker: Who the fack Dickus, have- Foghornious: Organic waste will cease communication. Tucker: Alroight mate, get out of my face. Bert: Hagh, now, Tucker, I’m sorry but, going to have to dock something from your wages for this. Tucker: For wot? You can’t do that! Dickus: Oh we can, and we can do a lot better than that. Sorry lad. Spikus: Uh-oh, sorry Tucker… Tucker: Wot’s with all the apologies? You can let me go if you’re all that remorseful. Dickus: Yeah sorry Tucker, we have to kidnap you. Tucker: Wot and put me in the ‘Perverter’ and torture me too? Bad move. You all know what happened to Jagger. Dickus: Eh, no. Our human approach has thankfully progressed. Foghornious! Foghornious: Yes commander? Dickus: Seize his brain. (Foghornius foot slams down) Tucker: Oi! Get your metal mitts off me skull! (Whirring, sizzling, zapping, pumping) Bert: Urgh! HOH? What are yis doin’? Tucker: Mrrrnnngggh… Gurgle… urnf. Foghornius: Human brain activity uploaded. (Tucker collapses) Dickus: Exactly that. We’ve abducted Tucker’s overly large brain feed. Modern technology! All done in an instant. No waitin’, no mess. Anyway, enough bragging. That’s all we need of Mr Tucker. Dump him with the other lad. What’s left of them is no threat to us now. High five me Foghorn. Eh, no? Ok, fair enough… Bert: You’re going to leave them here? Sure then I may get on to the hospital. Foghornius: Neutralation advised. Orders given. Dickus: Calm down Foggy, I know the orders. Boghead said ‘wipe them out’. Tonus said ‘remove them’. Two of them here, wiped out and removed. I don’t have to neutralate them! Sure didn’t I expect to be neutralated and I was spared by the Boghead. That’s compassion! And I’m full of it! Spikus: I’m proud of you Dickus. Dickus: But that Busher one. He fuckin’ dies, with his moving moley face! Come on, we’ve work to be doin’. I need to take a look inside Tucker’s massive mind. Bert: Eh, you could have just asked him? Dickus: Ah the innocence. And you think he’d tell me the truth? Someone told me you humans have the most startling capability of self-delusion. Youse are not a rational species. You fuckers lie... Bert: Hagh? Dickus: Don’t look so shocked Bert, this is nartin’. I’ll take you on a tour of the Clinkership, wouldn’t that be nice? You can sit on Foghorious’s knees. Cheer you up no end! Foghornious: Overlord. Tucker brain analysis shows no heightened state, no above-average intelligence. He was a standard human. Dickus: What? But he had a big brain. I saw him use it! He was a mutant! How’d they pass the Savage Garden? Foghornious: Blank areas suggest highly evolved cerebral information but no trace now. Dickus: Ah bollocks! What’s goin’ on here? Right… Keep up the hunt, you Bert, come with me… (Walking into distance) (Imogen climbs out of the duct) Imogen: Oh Meemong! What have you done? You sent them to their dooms.. Oh my, they’re still breathing… Breathing. Good. Oh help me Meemong what do I do? Show me a sign! Tucker: Gurgle gurgle… bokkle! Arlee: Urrrrr…shmgmggj…. Imogen: What do I do, what do I do? Narrator: Barely alive, used-up Tucker and broke-down Arlee need rescue by Imogen Telch. Meanwhile, fast approaching Ratchly main square is an angry Ginger and a starving Busher. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.
The Radio is on but no-one is home in the 'Coffin Shed' as Dickus leads Foghornious and the assembled ‘Baldus’ to meet Bert Kavanagh at the Ratchly Chemical Factory. We move now to the far side of town. Busher and Tucker hunt down a woman. Tucker: I didn’t think it was small. I just thought- uh, I don’t know what I thought. Busher: I’m not a woman right?! I only have one ball. Makes no difference. Still normal… Tucker: I know. But did you hear what the Doc said? Ovaries and eggs! Busher: I don’t know what to think. Tucker: You thought of hitting him pretty quick. Busher: Phwwwizzz! Got him on the jaw! Mammaaae! (Click of a gun) Imogen: Don’t move. Tucker: Ok, easy… Busher: Peah! Imogen: Who are you? What do you want here? Tucker: Eh well- Busher: Listen right! We don’t have time! Doctor Don Dudern told us about a woman. Imogen Telch. We have to find her. It’s life or death! Imogen: You know the truth? Busher: Don’t shoot mae! Tucker: I’m guessing you, are, Imogen Telch? Imogen: Yes I am and I am CUNT. Tucker: You are a bit hostile but we’ll take it as an apology. Busher: We need your help! Imogen: Well, I speak for C.U.N.T. Busher: Hah? Imogen: Who are you? Tell me! (Clicking gun) Busher: Aah! Imogen: What the hell is happening to your face? Tucker: Is it the moles? Busher: Me moles move! Imogen: Oh my! It has begun. Tucker: Wot has? (De-cocks gun) Imogen: You had better come in. I interpret for the Meemong. Busher: Meemong? Tucker: Hey? Wait- Busher: What’s that shite when it’s at home? (Door opens, footsteps) Tucker: I don’t know… Imogen: Sit down. They fight with an age old enemy from the stars… This enemy- Busher: Soupalon! Tucker: From the Scutum galaxy… Imogen: So, it is them. The Meemong want to stop them. They’ve formed a successful symbiosis with us. They are the moles, the marks, the spots upon your skin. Barely moving, but harvested us, drove our intelligence, pushed us on into new frontiers. They are inside all of us. They know everything. Tucker: Motha! Busher: Peah? Everything? Tucker: Imogen, how do we know you’re not mental? Busher: And she wouldn’t think we’re not? Tucker: You know what I’m like… Imogen: That’s why I live here, compiling my research, interpreting quietly. People have been locked up in Whitehaven for less. Do either of you know the story of Desmond? Busher: Don’t care! Tucker: How can we speak to these, wot, Meee-mong? Other than waiting for his face to mutate again? Imogen: They are difficult to intercept. But they can communicate by radio wave. Here, listen- (Switches on and tunes in radio to 108 mhz) Imogen: Urrrrr! (goes into a trance). Busher: What’s goin’ on? Is she alright? (Radio interference, the Meemong speak through Imogen) Meemong: We are the Meemong. We live on your face! Busher: Mee-? Tucker: -Mong! Meemong: We helped guide you to the Savage Garden. You were the first humans we steered. Busher: Peah! It’s youse! Tucker: You are the ones who changed the moles on Busher’s face to show the way? Meemong: Yes. We live on your face. Busher: Phwizzz! Meemong: Humanity is under attack. Tucker: How? Meemong: Neotenic traits in humans are caused by Soupalon. Flattened broadened face. Large brain, hairless body and face. Longer leg than arm, larger eyes, upright stance. Tucker: Sounds like Bobby Gilbert at closin’ time. What’s ‘Neotenic’? Busher: How should I know, I left school at 15. Meemong: Neoteny! Soupalon control it by food production through chemistry! Tucker: Right ok, but I’m not sure if- Meemong: You are curious, playful with innate desire to cooperate. Tucker: Is she, they, eh, talking just about me now? Meemong: Soupalon breed Neoteny to sterilise humanity! Busher: I may have all this intergalactic intelligence squattin’ on me face, but I have no idea what she just said. Meemong: They are turning you into babies! This is Neoteny! Your humour degraded to childish amusement of farting, burping, silly faces and minor physical harm. Humans become giant babies. Tucker: That’s about right. But how are the Soupalon actually doing it? Meemong: Humans, unlike other mammals, unlike other intelligent life form, are constantly interested in sex, not only in certain parts of their reproductive cycles. Busher: That’s right! Phwizzzz! Tucker: That didn’t really answer my question but- Busher: We have to leave! Get back to Ginger! Peah! Tucker: Imogen, Imogen? Imogen! (Snaps fingers) Busher: Wake up! Imogen: Mhuuuhh? What did they say to you? Tucker: Imogen, you must come with us. We have someone you need to meet. Busher: You’re our only chance. Imogen: No… The Meemong are your only choice. Busher: I love my face! It’s going to save the world! Imogen! All The People! Living for today! Peah! Yeah! Narrator: Hope reborn as the Meemong through Imogen Telch tell our heroes to fight like babies as the Soupalon breed juvenile neoteny to sterilise humankind. Meantime, at the injection point of the Ratchly Chemical Factory. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.
Humans born of Soupalons in the great Panspermia. Son of Baldy needs a home and the incredulous Arlee and Jagger must turn on the radio… On the Clinkership in the Savage Garden, (alarm rings) danger here… Tonus: It’s the Clinkership. With me… Dickus: Run Spikus, follow the big brains! Spikus: Nnnnurghgh. Tonus: Sean the Degus, status. Sean: It is a distress signal from Soupalon Overlord. We are being called back home to fight. Tonus: What? Fight who? We have no- Sean: The Meemong! Tonus: The Meemong? They have not been heard of for light cycles. Sean: Overlord. Tampoon squads are amassing. We have our co-ordinates. Order of the Boghead. Our homeland is under attack! Dickus: But I thought these were just stories. Tonus: The myth is real. Spikus: I’m scared. It’s the Meemong! Tonus: We must go immediately. Dickus. You have your orders. Dickus: Hah? What am I supposed to do? Have some cup of tea with Bert Kavanagh at the factory? Tonus: We will sterilise them by their crops. Earth has always been the rogue planet. Living off their flammable and corrosive oxygen, doubling in height over 3000 of their years… Sean, activate Shoupshuttle No.5 for the High Commander. Sean: Yes Overlord. Dickus: Tooo-nusss! Tonus: Dickus, humans are limited to terrestrial environments. This is their weakness and the correct time to attack. They are a falange of freeloaders, relying on two percent of them to grow digestible fuel. So, if we control the food, we will mutate them! (Engines start up, Soupalon squad marches in) Dickus: Yeah, yeah, but what the fuck do I do? Tonus: Kill the witnesses to our Savage Garden. These human mutants survived. They can now overcome and master complicated life support arrangements for space travel and are likely to take over a large part of the galaxy in no time. They will reach Soupalon. It cannot happen. It is bad enough the Meemong are threatening us. Dickus: Stop talking! Tell me how to kill the humans Tonus! You’re the brains of the operation. Tonus: We must go. Dickus, it’s up to you. Get to the Ratchly chemical factory. We have in error created the spark of their existence by letting Bop go back searching for life there. Spikus: Bye! Tonus: Remember Dickus, humanses most startling capability is one of self-delusion. They are not a rational species. (Puts on mask) Tonus: (radio) They act against each other’s interests, competing viciously and brutally for limited resources. They are dangerous. They must be neutralated. Dickus: Oi! (knocks on helmet) I can’t do this all myself aaand look after Spikus! Even if you give me this scrambled Baldy, Baldus or whatever the fuck egg yoke. (Hinge of pressurised door) Tonus: So, bring back the Titan to help you with it. He’s available after the second reassembledge. Dickus: The who? Tonus: Foghornius! It is time to leave the Savage Garden. Dickus, get into your Shoupshuttle. Sean The Degus has plotted your co-ordinates. You must leave to Earth and we go home to fight the Meemong. (Large malfunction) Sean: Uh-ooooh. Tonus: Sean? Status! Report. Dickus: This doesn’t sound good. Sean: The Clinkership is a bit rusty Overlord. We’ve been parked here in the Garden a while. Spikus: We’re vibrating! Tonus: And? Sean: The panels are malfunctioning. Dickus: That doesn’t even feel good… Sean: We’ve broken loose of Savage Garden gravity. Tonus: Excellent. Sean: No Overlord… Nothing is igniting. We are descending in freefall. Tonus: Descend? Descend where? I need engines. Get the Slaggers on it! Sean: We’re falling Overlord. Falling down- To Earth. Dickus: Oh bollocks. Narrator: Tonus’s newly downloaded brain must deal with a falling Clinkership, bound for Earth. Meantime down in Ratchly, Busher is getting the once over at Dr Don Dudern’s general practice. Doctor Don: Uh huh. I see. (clicks pen) That’s it so. Busher: Peah! What Doctor Dudern, what? Tell me what’s wrong with mae?! Doctor Don: It’s a classic case. Busher: What’s that mean Doc, tell me! Doctor Don: You can put your clothes on now. Tucker: Yeah, please Busher, if you don’t mind. Busher: You shouldn’t be in here Tucks! Doctor Don, tell me what I’ve done to me hand? Plaaaese! Doctor Don: Oh your hand is fine, it’s only a sprain. Your underdeveloped genitals on the other hand… Busher: Me wha? Tucker: He’s got tiny nads? But… they look alright to me. Doctor Don: It’s been around here in Ratchly for a while now. Underdeveloped male genitalia and combined, in your case, with a micro phallus- Busher: Phwiizzzz! Tucker: Is it small? That is fackin’ surprising. Can you have a look at mine? I think it’s the same size. I thought I was normal- Busher: This is great! Doctor Don: Excuse me? Busher: You don’t know what this means to mae! I was born with only one ball! Doctor Doc: Nedward, I’ve seen this recently. Instances of underdeveloped local males growing passive with lack of confidence, doing nothing with their lives but sitting in pubs for years, laughing and useless, unemployed and increasing in oestrogen. Tucker: Get to fack! Who, tell me their names. Busher: What are you saying about mae??! Doctor Don: It’s normal! We’re just not reproducing as we once were. Fertility rates are diving. Local men are losing out to foreigners! In a generation we will be gone. No wars. No disease. Just gone! Busher: What are you saying? Are you a Soupalon? Doctor Don: Excuse me, am I a what? Tucker: Alright Busher… pipe down yeah? Doctor Don: Son, you’re a little freaked out but my files are full of patients like this. Men are growing ovaries. They are women. With eggs inside. Busher: Eggs! Peah! Turning into Baldy! Phhzzz! I’m not a chicken! Doctor Don: They just metamorphosed. It’s real. Normally I advocate counselling and the utmost of secrecy. You know what people in this town are like. It’d be all over the Bingo Hall come Friday. Busher: Peah! Fuck sakes! What about mae? I’m not a woman! Tucker: Laying eggs and turning woman. I’ve actually seen the first close up, but not the second. Yet… Doctor Don: Really? Are you a doctor? Tucker: Er… yeah. My speciality is mutations. Doctor: Ah, you must have read the national medical report correlating low testosterone men and retrosexual behaviour. Busher: I’m not bent either! Tucker: Eh must’ve missed that one. Busher: But you Tucker, you kissed mae, at, at, at the Wishfield. Tucker: It was a puzzle. To open the door! Stop looking at me! Don’t get angry Busher. Busher: Fuck off the lot of yis! Leave me alone! PAH! I’m not, roight?! Doctor Don: Oh dear Nedward, it is perfectly fine to admit you are gay. What’s the fuss these days?! Noth- Oh, oh my god, what is happening to your face? Tucker: Fack me, it’s started again. Doctor Don: Your… your moles are moving! Busher: Ah! No! What is it? Is it a map? Like last time? Tucker: No, it’s spelling something. Busher: Make it stop! Inject me! Doctor Don: In all my years… just who are you people? Tucker: Wait, wait, get me a biro, it’s… I-M-O-G-E-N… Busher: Wha? That’s not how you spell ‘imagine’! Doctor Don: This is insane- Tucker: T-E-L-C-H… I-mo-gen Telch! I-mo-gen Telch? Busher: Has it stopped?! Doctor Don: My god. Not I-mo-gen, Imogen! Imogen Telch. It’s a woman! Busher: Phwizzz! I am not! Tucker: You know the name? Who is she? Doctor Don: She’s a friend of mine. But I- (Distant thunder) Busher: Peah! Did you hear that? Tucker: Fack. They’re coming. Look! They’re entering the atmosphere… Where does your friend live? Doctor Don: But that’s, it’s only a meteorite. Like those in Russia. I’ve seen footage. Tucker: Wrong. You just don’t understand Doc. Doctor Don: What are you both taking? I can’t give out addresses of friends. Busher: Peah! Tell us now right, where does this Imogen Telch live, tell us! Tucker: Quiiiick! The fate of the whole world and his tiny nad sack just may depend on it. Busher: Stop slaggin’ mae! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.
Ratchly... Daytime at Whitehaven Psychiatric Hospital… Jennifer is on washing duty. (Distant scream) (Rubbing skin) Desmond: Aziba, aziba, ba… Ba! Jennifer: Stay still while I soap down your mickey… Desmond: …I don’t like it… Matron Jennifer: Make sure, (rubs harder) to get the finger deep under your foreskin. (finger pops) Desmond: Spaceship! In the skies! That’s mine! That’s m- Matron Jennifer: Desmond, just stop now. Desmond: That’s- Matron Jennifer: Stop bullshitting! Desmond: Spaceship in the skies… Nurse Mary: Last week you wouldn’t stop going on about soup. (Distant crashing) Desmond: Agh! They’re back! Big Miley: Urrurrr… Matron Jennifer: Mary, take Nicky inside. I’ll take Desmond. They’re getting agitated. We don’t want a repeat of what happened with big Miley. Desmond: Soupalon! Spaceships! Uhrrrr. Nurse Mary: Soup AND spaceships? You’re full of surprises this morning Desmond. Whoevers in those spaceships Desmond, they should be in here with us at Whitehaven… Heh… Matron Jennifer: Hmmm, there’s a bit of a wind getting up. Push, ladies, push! (Wheelchairs roll, doors lock) (Opening credits) Narrator: Our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escape the Soupalon and their Savage Garden and have re-entered Earth. Busher: Ahh, ahh me fingers. Bent! Ahgh! Ginger? Ginger! Ginger: (coughs) Tucker: Everyone alright? You ok Busha? We’ve got to get out of this place. The Soupalon are coming. Jagger: (Coughing) Wheezeeee… Sorry lads, I had the controls but then the power went. Ginger: Reoor…Arlee: No more voices… no more voices! Lads, I have no more voices! Tucker: Your voice is enough on its own Arlee. Where the fack is the starchild? Jagger, Jagger do you have the egg? Jagger: The egg? Me? I was driving the shuttle. Busher: You had him last. This always happens! Only stupid Baldy Kendall’s interspecies egg-born child that could help us defeat these Soupalon aliens that I didn’t think even existed. Gone! Forever! Jagger: ‘Ere, your fingers don’t look right Ned. Busher: Stop looking at mae! Arlee: Look for the bullet-belt Busher, it was wrapped round the egg. Tucker: Since flying down from the Savage Garden, I think I’ve lost my intelligence! Jagger: I think I’ve lost me slow-down-time power. Am I normal again? Busher: Peah! NO! Looka! Standing in the field! It’s… Baldy: Welcome home lads… Busher: Baldy?! All: Aghhghghghghh! Arlee: Baldy Kendall! Jagger: He’s the size of a 10 year old, Arlee: Only two scenes ago you hatched out of an egg. But where did he get the white overalls? Busher: Peah! Looks like a white Lionel Ritchie! Ginger: Meeeorr! Baldy: I am my father’s son. I will save yis. Tucker: Listen, I might be thick again, but we need to get out of the open. Where are we anyway? Jagger: Back on Earth I think Tucks. Arlee: Sure we’re just outside Ratchly. See the church? Baldy: Then youse shall follow me. Busher: Pyeah! You don’t know where you are sure. Baldy: I am the way. Busher: I don’t care if your father was my next door neighbour and he was kidnapped by aliens out the window with my Ginger, and I had to find these eejits here to go rescue you. Arlee: Terra firma looka Busher hah? We survived didn’t we? Tucker: Just about… Listen, can we move? Smokin’ wreckage and all… Son of Baldy: I will show yis… Jagger: Tom… you sound just like your father… Son of Baldy: I am not Tom. Tom was my father’s father. I am the starchild, son of Baldy who was son of Tom Kendall, who was son of Bop, who sent to Earth by the Soupalon to monitor you. Arlee: Here, there’s a shed in the corner of the field. Busher: I’m not going in there. I need a doctor sure. Ginger: Meeeoooow! Tucker: Just get out of the open. We can decide what to then yeah? Right? Busher: Gonna die! Gonna die in a stupid Coffin Shed, in a field of… of fuckin’, fuckin’?- Son of Baldy: Rape… Busher: Don’t you touch mae! Jagger: Had enough up on the Savage Garden eh Busher? heeheeee! Son of Baldy: It is a field of Oilseed Rape. Grown for oil. Harmful to humans. Tucker: Ah, so YOU have my superior intellect now. Arlee: Harmful? I always put it in the pan for a fry up before Soccer Saturday. Jagger: It’s always good to learn som- Busher: Ah stop talkin’! (Coffin shed door opens, footsteps inside) Jagger: It’s a bit bleak Tom. Ginger:Meeeoowww. Busher: It’s alright, Ginger sez it’s safe. Arlee: Ah look, a little radio, and… and a stove. Jagger: That armchair looks like the one I have in the parent’s house. Arlee: The house your father won’t let you in to? Jagger: Ah, he’s old, he’s not what he used to be, it’s not his fault. (Sits) This is comfortable though! Tucker: Right, we’re going to need provisions. I tell you what Arlee, you and Jagger stay here with… with… eh- Son of Baldy: I am the starchild. Tucker: That’s a fackin’ ridiculous name! Listen, I’m just going to call you Baldy. Coz you look like ‘im, sound like ‘im and act like ‘im. Busher: I need a doctor Tucks, look at me hand! It’s bent back like a bad paw. Arlee: Bent! Busher: What you say, Stretch? Arlee: I pretend I didn’t hear that… (radio switches on Bruce Dickinson). Radio works anyway. Tucker: Ok, we have to sneak into town. I volunteer. I’ll bring Busher with me. Get him a doctor. It’s better we share the risk yeah? Jagger: Right, coz you two have shared so much already… heeheeee. Arlee: (Snigger) Baldy: I am the starchild. Busher: Yeah, peah, so you’ve said! Right, come on Tucks. Youse lads don’t go anywhere. Ginger, you stay here. It’s too dangerous for a cat outside. You guard these eejits. Tucker: We’ll be back soon as. Can’t be sure how much Soupalon are around but one thing IS for sure, they’ll be looking for us, and for ‘im. Don’t let Baldy outside. See yis later. (Coffin Shed opens closes) Tucker: You alright Busher? Stop moanin’! Busher: Hate everythin’… Baldy: I am the son of Baldy. Jagger: Shut up Tom will ya? Arlee: (Snigger) Ginger: Meeeooow? Narrator: Son of Baldy is here, sent to guide our heroes. Biding time in a field near Ratchly in an old substation named locally as ‘The Coffin Shed’. Back up on the Savage Garden, high commander Dickus Soupus is seized for killing his Overlord and letting the humans escape. Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. Following on from Amplevoicepod's United Mutations III. Now, the universe is at war. Look in the mirror, it starts with the moles on your face... Are they in the same spot as yesterday? Ratchly, daytime at Whitehaven Psychiatric Hospital, Jennifer is on washing duty. Our heroes Arlee, Jagger, Tucker and Busher escape the Soupalon & their Savage Garden and have re-entered Earth. The 'Son of Baldy' is near, sent to guide our heroes who bide their time in a field near Ratchly in an old substation named locally as ‘The Coffin Shed’. Back up on the Savage Garden, Soupalon high commander Dickus Soupus is seized for slaying his overlord and letting the humans escape. But The Boghead may yet need his services to implement the Soupalon plan: NEOZINE - To neotenise and infertilise human civilisation through food via crop protection. Back down on Earth, in Ratchly Chemical Factory, foreman Bert Kavanagh is concerned about his imminent alien co-operation. And who then are these ‘Meemong’ that so threaten Soupalon? It's a Panspermia that goes to the nexus of human existence. And it's a fight to the death, as the moles on Busher's face start moving, spelling the name of their saviour: 'Imogen Telch'. Who is she? Panspermia I & II & III are a 4.5-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Jamie and his Magic Torch but just as awesome.
Ginger: Meeeewww! Dickus Soupus: What are you lookin’ at? Ginger: REORR! Dickus: Gaaah! Ginger: FSSST FSSST! Dickus: Get it off me face, get it Busher: Ginger! Dickus: ARGH! (Farts)… Tucker: Now’s our chance! Arlee, Busher, we’ve got to get to that flyin’ shuttle thing over there. Arlee: What about Baldy? Busher: What about Ginger? Dickus: AAAAGH! Tucker: Spikus… Show me! Spikus: I’m sorry Tucker, Baldy has no signs of life, he has expired Tucker, I am sorry. Tucker: Fack!Uh, I’m takin’ his bulletbelt, in his memory I will wear it forever. Never forget what you did Baldy. Alright lads? Busher: He wants the service now... Arlee: Ok Tucker, let’s go. Jagger: Yeah, but what are we doin’? I’m sweatin’ here lads holding this thing. Wheeezee! Spikus: You must go. It is your only hope. Jagger: Hey, ‘ere, can somebody else hold it now.., I-I don’t want to have the whole world in my hands. Tucker: Here, I’ll take it… Dickus: (Fighting off Ginger) Aaagh! Tucker: Oiright! We gotta get to that ship if it kills us. NOW! Tonus: Overlorders? Are you alright? Can you hear me? Slaggers! Slaggers! Capture them all! I, Tonus, am now the Overlorder here! Grab them! Grab them all! Tucker: Get the skates on! Oooh! This is a fackin’ heavy belt by the way. Busher: Lookit, we can’t leave Ginger! Arlee: Come on Busher! Jagger: Move the fat arse Ned! Busher: GINGER! Tucker: Don’t just stand there lookin’ at it, get in! Busher: Uh, I can’t leave her I can’t leave her! Tucker: Take the egg for me Arlee, and don’t drop it this time. Jagger: How do we fly this hunk o’ junk? Arlee: Flick the switch like last time? Busher: GINGER! Peshuweeshuweshuwee! Please! Come to daddy! Dickus: Aaaghghgh! Mangy orange monshtaar! Arhshhskkhs… Ginger: (Hears Busher) Reroow?- Busher: She’s seen me lads! AW GINGER! PHWIZZZ! Jagger: More knobs than a fuckin’ SSL mixin’ desk! Which one? I don’t know. I can’t relax… me head... too much stress. Fhoooo… c’mon! Block out the demons Jagger, HUAAGH… Busher: Peah! Can’t look! Ginger’s all alone out there! Arlee: You can’t go out there Ned. Busher: (tears) noooo! Arlee: No! Ned! Busher: Don’t touch me! Tucker: Jagger, it’s just an updated version of the last one; see the left panel above your head? Jagger: Yeah? Tucker: In the centre there’s a blue hexagon, Jagger: Yeah, see that… Tucker: Well, stick the middle finger up in it, an’ pull it towards ya! Jagger: You mean give it the finger? Tucker: Yeah, give it the finger! Jagger: (Breathes in…) (Orb bursts into life) Jagger: (Exhales) Tucker: Ooiright! Let’s get airborne! Busher: No wait! She’s seen it, she’s? she’s?- come on Ginger, YES! YES! She’s comin’! Stop the plane! Stoppit! Jagger: I can’t! Me finger’s stuck up her panel! Tucker: Use your free hand Jagga, spread the fingers out in front of ya and whichever way you move your hand, this baby will follow. COME ON GINGER! Busher: (Looks up) Oh please God… I swear I’ll do whatever you say, just make sure she makes it… WOAH! Careful Jagger! Arlee: Oh me heart, I nearly dropped it. Jagger: Sorry! I guess this means I’m the pilot now yeah? Busher: Hold still will ya! Thirty more seconds for fucksake, that’s all I’m askin’. Gingeeeerrrrr! Ginger: (Running) (REEEEOOORRR!), Dickus: (In pain) Ah, come back yis beetrailors! I’ll have your insides for this. I can’t seeeeeee. Spikus: Go Ginger… Run with your heart of fire… You can do it! Hihih! Jagger: Wheeezzzeee, this isn’t easy with me fingerin’ above me head and me nervous hand out here! Heeeheee… Tucker: Get us out of here Jagga, them aliens are gainin’… Busher: NO! Twenty seconds! What’s wrong witcha? Tucker: Are you stupid? It’s suicide! Busher: We’re not leavin’ without Ginger. She got us here, an’ I’m takin’ her back ROIGHT? Tucker: Get your hands off me Busher. Ginger: REEOWW! Tonus: RE! SPECT! WALK! Whaddya say?! THEY MUST NOT LEAVE THE SAVAGE GARDEN! Wooo! Ginger: RORWW! Busher: Ten more seconds! Jagger: Ah sick, I can lift up just by liftin’ me little finger… (FX – Power moving up) Busher: GINGOOOR!! Ginger: (running) Reeerooeer! Dickus: (Getting to his feet) … This is one flight you’re not gonna make… Ya four leg festerin’ fuss fuss! (FX – Click of Silvic Liquid) Jagger: Up, up and away! Fwooouagh! Ah this is deadly. Arlee: Lads! Yis’ll have to shut the hatch! Busher: Peah NO! She’s nearly here! Looka the runs of her! Five seconds. Fowar seconds! Stay on the ground! Dickus: Think you can tear me to shreds hah? Spikus: Run Ginger! Run! Busher: GINGOOOR! Arlee: JUMP YA FONGIN’ FURBALL! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Gabbler (head stretches in the Wishfield): It’s not working! It’s not, I can’t… it’s- Pedup: He’s on the way to growin’ an extra head! Busher: Ah, this is useless! Tucker: Like the riddle was useless? Do you SEE where we are? Come on! Arlee: Give it the holly! Jagger: Heezzzzeee I haven’t pulled so hard since Mrs. Bruno forced me to. Tucker: Speed it up Gabbler!! Speed it up! HEAVE! Gabbler: Wait! Wait! Waaaaaaiiittt! AHHHHHHAAAAH! (Stretch speeds up to a POP!) Gabbler: AAHHHH! Pedup Bauer: The flys of ‘im. Gabbler: UMPH! Tucker: Uh!! Yes! We did it! Yes! Pedup Bauer: Askskskshh! The flies of ‘im! He got by with a little help from his friendlery, now that’s nice isn’t it. I am so dead. I may as well turn meself up to the Overlord and collect me death certificate. Arlee: Another team effort saves the day! Gabbler: I’m so glad to see youse lads again… I thought I’d never get through. Jagger: Anythin’ for a friend, fhooo… Busher: Why was it you tho’? What’s goin’ on? Gabbler: All I want to say is thanks lads, you all got me through to fight another da- (Ginger flies out of the sky and lands on Gabbler’s head) Ginger: REOORRRWWW! FSSST! FSSST! Gabbler: -aaaayy! AGGAGHH! GET IT OFF ME GET IT OFF ME! Busher: PEAH! GINGER! IS IT REALLY YOU? AWWW PEAH! MY GINGER! STAY AWAY FROM MY CAT GABBLER! Ginger: Purrr purr purrrr purrrr… Arlee: Holy fong! Now that WAS unexpected. AHH! AHH! NOOOO! Busher: Would you stop that? That’s all you ever do! Ah me head this, ah me head that. Doin’ MY head in! Arlee: Shut up Busher! Tucker?! Tucker! It’s the sounds, it’s playing forwards finally, just the first bit now! “SECOND EGG! SAVAGE SECOND EGG!” Tucker: This means something Arlee. Arlee: No shit Tucker. I’m glad you’re the one here with the brains. We must be close. Busher: I love you Ginger… Gabbler: Half me hair’s been tore out! Tucker: Shit! Wait a minute! Jagger: What’s up Tucks? Busher: Ah my baby, yeah, Neddy’s here… did they hurt you? Ah me baby peah, yeah? Tucker: Pedup! Pedup! Are ya still there? Arlee: Ask him has he seen an’ egg lyin’ around somewhere. Pedup: I am as true as I am here, yep. Tucker: Pedup, you have to stop the Gardens. If you think you’ve nothing left to lose then help us if it’s the last thing you ever do. Our friend, he must be near… you need to stop the Gardens so we can get to him quickly. Please! Help us. Busher: What are ya doin’? Pedup: Youse humanses want Pedup to do somethin’ for youse? Tucker: Yes! Pedup: Pedup Bauer has observed youse humanses and he’s fierce impressed. Yis are full of the friendlery… Akskskshshsh. Before the badness is bate out of me and me mind erased, I’ll stop these Gardenses for yis. Tucker: Oiiright! Pedup, you the, eh, you the Soupalon! Yeah! Go! Pedup: O-K- Good luck on the Trail of Bees! Pedup GONE! Busher: He’s not going to that for us. Tucker: Well we have to hope Busher, don’t we? Jagger: Jaaaysis… Gabbler: Oh no… Arlee: Wha? Tucker: Listen… Gabbler: I don’t believe it… Arlee: That sounds like- Jagger: A voice. Arlee: Well of course it’s a voice Jagger, what else would it be? Jagger: The wind? Arlee: Sure, the wind… yeah, Jagger: Yeah, wheeezeee… yeah, I am right, that’s a voice Arlee, no messin’ Tucker: That’s Baldy and he’s got problems. Move it, follow the trail to the top. Let’s go! Jagger: We’re comin’ lad, hold on! Don’t bottle it! Huuuargh! Arlee: The Jagger-naut is rollin’ on… Narrator: The march is on to find Baldy… As Ginger flies in to be reunited with Busher… Yet, he still remains sceptical of just who is Gabbler… Meantime, Soupalon Overlord Malthus Brindle is perturbed… (Aboard Degus’s Orb) Sean: The humans are on the ‘Trail of Bees’ Overlord. Brindle: Pedup Bauer you will be terminated! Tonus: THE LAST! THE LAST! THE LAST SOOOUPERRRR! HE is HERE, AMOGNGNGNN! GRAB IT! He is the key… he is the secret… Brindle: LIE DOWEN TONUS! Tonus: Uh-ooooh... shshshhshsh, (Plop Flush)… Tonus: Uh-ooooh... shshshhshsh, he is here! Boghead: Brindle! Brindle: Boghead! Master. I- Sean, you didn’t tell- Boghead: Brindle, the task was to commence the Savage Garden experiment… Brindle: Yes Boghead, Boghead: …to finalise the bio-compound chips. Brindle: there has been a breach; Humans. Boghead: A most welcome breach. We learn more directly from the minds of those we aim to control. Brindle: But Boghead, Dickus Soupus has brought them here, they have cut through our Gardens again and again. Boghead: Brindle! Hunt and kill Dickus Soupus. He is a traitor. Brindle: Yes, he is a traitor to all of us. Boghead: Dickus is a traitor to human fear. If Dickus will help them, he will supersede you. Hunt him. Kill him. Brindle: Yes Overlord, Boghead: To maintain human control we must keep the mass ignorant, fearful and condemned to the lower fourth dimension. The humans on the Savage Garden have superseded this. They must never return to Earth. Boghead: Oh and Brindle… Brindle: Yes Overlord? Boghead: Behind you… Pedup: OVERLORD! Brindle: LIE DOWEN! (Scuffle ensues) Boghead: Boghead gone… (PLOP FLUSH) Pedup: Overlorderly, Overlord! Turn off the Savage Gardenery! Turn it all off! I’ve seen your snakery. Brindle: TONUS! Get the Slaggers! Immediately. Pedup: Ever since yis put the bad head on me for this job, I’ve had the visions; I see meself drivin’ meself a box in the mickey every day! And what is a mickey?? I am Soupalon but I feel half-HUMAN! Yis gave me the devilry! Bad head! I knew it once I met THEM! What have yis done with my mind? I got the visions. You gave ‘em to me! Put the bad head on me. See meself hosed down in the garden with the water and no dinner after. See the mammy bate me sideways for losin’ the bicycle in the forest after I went for a shite in the dark. What’s a bicycle? Who’s me ‘mammy’? YOU POISONED ME TO FEEL HUMAN! So before I am real dead for sure, all ways up, and youse take me, I will take away the Savage Garden! Askskskskskhhshhsh! Aw revenge for Pedup! Haahaha! I’s get me owns back on yis… Snakery bastards, askskhshsksh… Brindle: LIE DOW- (Zap Flash…) Pedup: UUUGH! Zapelry… Pedup… Gone… (collapses). Brindle: Tonus? Tonus: Life expectancy over Soupalon, mmggmgngnn, Brindle: Tonus! Tonus: Never trust a Slagger, always trust Tonus! HENDRIX! Brindle: Pedup gone! Sean! Sean? SEAN?! Where is the navigator Sean the Degus? Tonus: Well he’s not here anyway… Brindle: GAH! Tonus, fly this orb to the Trail of Bees. NOW. Tonus: Fly it? YES OVERLORD! MOSH! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Busher: Peah… Pedup Bauer: Akskskskhhhsh!!! Arlee: AAAAH! Pedup: That’s far enough with yis thanks very much! Arlee: Lads, it’s another! Jagger: What is that yoke? Busher: Head like a bale of hay looka. Tucker: Here we go... Gabbler: I don’t believe it. Pedup: Howayis! Aksskskshhh! Stay still now. I have the betterin’s of yis, so no fight from ya now ya hear? Fuckin’ sure. I am Pedup Bauer, I am the Savagery! I tend to these Gardens as if they were me own, and sure they actually are anyway, akskskskshshsh! Youse have travelled far I takes it. Weary now? Time for yis to stop! How yis got past the Shylerbols and the Scorgie I na’er know the magic, but after the Garden of Futchafutcha my master’s got the want in him that I come here to meet yis at this wall.Tucker: So where are we then? Pedup: Well! Youse are now all in the WISHFIELD and this is its wall; and there in this wall; there is a door... and ahind this door; there is your answer. Gabbler: What answer? Pedup: The answer you seek. Arlee: What answer do we seek? Pedup: Sure youse should now that! It’s in your head! Arlee: In my head?, Can’t be in my head coz all I have are voices telling me about some egg here that we should reach, usin’ Busher’s moley face! Pedup: Aksksksksh! How come’s I should know what you should know? Have yis, have yis the dose what? Yis have the answer, that’s all I know. Busher: Shuttp! Peah! How do we get through this door then? Pedup: Ah fuckin’ sure, so, yeah, right; I Pedup Bauer give yis the riddle, youse work the riddlery out, makes your wish in the Wishfield; and she’ll open up quare ‘n easy and I shall let yis pass not a bother on me, swear on me Mammy’s life. Arlee: Do you even have a mammy? Pedup: I don’t know… What is a “mammy”? Ah, y’ll have to leave that one with me. Akskskskskshshsh! So do yis want to hear the riddle or what? Tucker: Well, we’ve no other choice boys what do you say? We can’t complain coz there’s no use complainin’. Running is not an option because there’s is nowhere to bloody run to. We’re gonna just have to go for it! Like always, eh Busher? Busher: Peah, no choice as ya said. Pedup: Fierce breezy out isn’t it? Arlee: Go on, give us the riddle so. Jagger: I like riddles, I’m on for this, yeah, I’ll do this- Pedup: Aksh! Ah well done. So… are yis ready? To enter through the wall of the Wishfield you must answer my riddlery… now… now… are, are yis sure now? Yis don’t just want to give up and head off the other way for a bit do yis, hah? I don’t mind- Gabbler: Tell us the riddle!! Come on. Tucker: Do it. Jagger: Yeah, just do it… Wheeezeee! Pedup: Akskkskshshsh! Sure enough, the riddle it is! Now… now.., a-listen carefully… Here we go… now… ok… (clears phlegm): ‘Show pure love and favour, Savour this flavour, And one from four shall open the door…’ Gabbler Show pure love and favour, savour th- Busher: Peah! What’s that supposed to mean, fucksake?! Arlee: It’s a riddle sure, stop gettin’ angry all the time will ya Busher? Just coz your confused and nervous! Go punch something and have another wank! … And not about my sister either, lord Jesus… Jagger: Ah come on Ned. Like the riddle sez; ‘show pure love’! Busher: Meh! Tucker: Do me a fava! Sayin’ sorry to someone who saved his skin is as far as Busher goes. Busher: What ya sayin’? Pedup: Ahh this is quaren good, there’ll be bloodery, bloodery at the wall! Akskskshshshsh! Gabbler: Hang on, “one from four shall open the door”, but there’s five of us! Tucker: (To himself) “Show pure love and favour, savour this flavour an’ one from four shall open the door”… Should there be somebody AT the door? Jagger: Yeah! Like to let the others in… You’re right Tucks! Yeah. Jesus, I’d have never thought of that. I’ll do that, yeah, I’ll be the one, I’m on for that. I’ll do the door. If, if that’s what I should do, like, maybe it’s the orangey alien that should do it. I don’t know. I can’t decide. Tucker: Just do it Jagga mate. I know what I am sayin’. Go on. Busher: But what do we have TO DO? Uh? Stupid riddle! Jagger: Is it alright if I have a look at the door in the wall, Mr Pedup? Pedup: Sure go on ahead with yourself, I don’t mind. Arlee: “Savour the flavour”, Savour the flavour? Like a little flavour saver below the lip, for tastin’ the shaved fong? Hahaha! ‘Ere Busher you have a little goatee beard on ya, maybe you have to ‘savour the flavour’ heheheh! Busher: Flavour Flave! Black Rappers! I was watchin’ Flava the other night and all the black rappers on it! Every hour! AHAAW HAAW! They all sound like Whitney Houston now tho’, with the tight balls. Bring back the real rappers! Peah! Busher: (Rapping) “Show pure love, show pure favour, cum oon,- sava d’ flava, sava d’ flava, HO!!! One from four gonna open the door- can I have tape of it, one from four gonna open the door! Another tape of it; one from four gonna open the door”! Ah I could’ve been Jordan in The New Kids on the Block. I could have me chest puffed out on stage with Donny, Danny, Joey n’ Jonny! Bastards! Tucker: There’s Busher showin’ pure love again! What are you like? Arlee: Pure love! That’s it, that’s it!! Tucker: Why all this hate man? You bitter coz you were never famous? Gabbler: Yeah you should show more pure love Busher! Busher: Wha?- Tucker: He wouldn’t know how. Busher: I fuckin’ would! I-I can, I’ve, I can, I, peah, peah, p-p-p-p-peah, Tucker: You wouldn’t know how mate! Listen I don’t care who you are or what you’ve done, but deep down your soul is pure love Busher. I don’t care if you are bitter and twisted. I don’t care if you hate everyone and are the first to criticise any effort we make, your soul IS pure love. Arlee: And you think, I, may be stretchin’ it… Tucker: No no no Arlee!! It’s true. Busher: Sure you show me how then if you know so much about it! Show pure love to me! Tucker: Oiright, I will! Gabbler: How’s he gonna do that? This is Busher we’re talkin’ about. He’d box the head off a fly. Arlee: And he WAS doin’ that earlier… Busher: Shut up you. Gabbler: See? Tucker: The problem is you Busher; you’ve become delinked from the highest level of yourself. You’re wadin’ through the depths of your lower consciousness, lost, alone, amd angry… But, I can reconnect you to your true self… Busher: Do it then! I’m waitin’! Tucker: There you go again, you’re exuding too much hatred man! To express pure love you must give up your desire to control and dominate. Arlee: Good luck with that. Busher: Show me! Peah… Tucker: Stop trying to dominate Ned. Busher: Ah, right…. Ok… S-show me how do express pure love Tucker… Please… Tucker: Oiright! Stand still! No, go on, stand still, don’t try to control and dominate, okay? Busher: Peah… fair enough… ‘kay, I’m standin’ still now. Tucker: Just relax and don’t think about control. Busher: No control… Tucker: I want you to lose control, Busher: Losin’ it now, alright… I’m losin’ it. Tucker: Close your eyes… Busher: What? Tucker: I said close your eyes… you can’t control what you can’t see… Busher: But I don’t want to close me eyes Tucker. Tucker: It’s not gonna work if you’re not gonna trust me Busher. I know that is difficult for you but that’s what it’s gotta take to show you. Are you with me Ned? Pedup: Are yis workin’ on the riddle or what? Askskskskskshhhshs, Arlee: Heheh, look at this… Close your eyes Nedward, you asked for this. Tucker: Come on. Busher: Peah, alright… but I’m watchin’ you. Tucker: Close ‘em. Busher: Peah… there… See? Closed, Tucker: Now stay still, I’m coming towards you… Gabbler: What’s he playin’ at? Busher: Phfwizzz! Me head is spinnin in the dark. I see Arlee’s sister. Tucker: It’s alright, we’re all here… you’re safe and with friends. Now keep your eyes closed… gettin’ nearer… Busher: Okay... Tucker: That’s it… Give up your control… … Now… Do you feel that? Pedup: Ah, humanses fair confuse me so they do, but I do like it. Busher: Peah, yeah I feel that… Tucker: What is it? Busher: It’s your hand on my left shoulder… Tucker: That’s right. Now… … what’s that? Busher: Y-your hand on m-my right shoulder… Tucker: Yeah, now take away the hate, take away control… what’s left? Busher: I-I- Tucker: Yes Busher… You get pure love. (Kissing begins) Busher: Oh Tucker… Arlee: Haha! Gabbler: I-don’t-believe-it… Pedup: HAH? BITTA FUCKLERY! There’s been a physical union! Arlee: Tucker’s slapped the tongue in! Jagger: That’s not right. Is it? Can’t be… That’s sick… Ah Jesus… Arlee: Hahahahaha! Jagger: Can’t stop lookin’ though… Gettin’ a twinge in me balls! Busher: MMGMNGGHAAAAHH! GET OFF ME YA BASTARD! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
The story so far... (a gentle recap); Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race and now upon their Savage Garden satellite station, his importance to the Soupalon is stupendously realised. But what of Busher and his quest with Tucker, Arlee and Jagger to primarily rescue Busher’s cat Ginger (but also having to track down Baldy?) as the fate of humanity hangs in the balance? Our furtive foursome have wound up in the Garden of Futchafutcha, a hypnotic version of a TV game show where presenter Mr. Gay Chris presides. Can they find the final answer to free themselves? Even if they do, the Wishfield awaits with its confounded riddles. Is the humans' life expectancy really over? Or will Baldy Kendall take his place among the pantheon of Gods? All will be inveigled in United Mutations III, a 74 minute full force farcical machine from the purveyors of HQ audio adventure ear-films: Amplevoicepod. Here then is the first of 4 parts to tease it all out. Soon it'll be calving time! (Opening credits sequence) Gay Chris: HELLO BUSHER! I’m Gay Chris! And welcome to ‘Futchafutcha’! Busher: Aaaah! Gay Chris: Move your feet across my hands and sit down on our fabulously designed palms! Okaaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha… Busher: What’s goin’ on? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Busher: What the fuck? Tucker: If you want to get out of there, you are going to have to play it. Arlee: We need you to play it Nedward. Tucker: Come on Busher! Jagger: It’s up to you now Ned. You wanted it your own way… now you have it wheeeezzzeee! Busher: This is quaren stupid… what does Gay Chris want? He could kill me… Aw, just do it Busher, just do it… do it… for Ginger… Agh! Okaaay… I’m ready to play the game? Gay Chris: Is the RIGHT answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Arlee: Phew! Right we’re in… Ahhh! Get out of me head! Busher: Eh howaya Gay Chris! Gay Chris: HELLO NEDDY BUSHER! Fastest finger first remember? Busher: Yeah, yeah, you’ve said it a million times sure… Tucker: I hope he doesn’t fuck this up. Gay Chris: Comfortable? Comfortable? Ok, bring on your fantasies! Busher: Me what? Arlee: What the hell? That hand is raisin’ up a finger! Busher: Oh no… Morten: (POP) Taaaaake-Hi my name is Morten Harkett from AHA and Busher likes to dream about me in the showers Jagger: Wheeeze! Another finger! Laura: (POP) Hi I’m Laura and Busher likes to suck my old toothbrush and stare at me through the hole in his bathroom wall… Tucker: Look! Another one! Bloody hell… Violet: (POP) Hi I’m Violet and Busher likes to slap his cock off me arse for twenty Euro down by the park after the bingo. Busher: PEAH! I do not! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Jagger: Ah you’re sick Ned… Busher: (Under breath) Why Busher why? … Mrs. Bruno: (POP) Hi… I’m Mrs. Bruno and Busher likes to watch me get rode by the Jagger lad down by the Mass Path, at midnight. Busher: What? WHAT? Jagger: HAH? Gabbler: I don’t believe it! The policeman’s wife? Tucker: Holy shit Arlee: You did not! Jagger: Sure you look at her through the window Arlee!? Arlee: I can look can’t I sure? You shot the whole LOT into her! Jagger: It was only the once right, s-she wouldn’t leave me alone! I had to do it to get away! Gabbler: She’s twice your age Jagger! Busher: But I don’t even remember that! How do we stop this game? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Mrs. Flenny: (POP) (cough) Howaya, I’m Mrs. Flenny and Busher likes to put it through the letterbox for a free bit o’ BJ when he’s had the Hash in him. Tucker: No waaaay! He’s doin’ Mrs Flenny too and she on the pension an’ everythin’. Busher: Make it stop Gay Chris please… what do you want from me? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Busher: Ahhhh! Gabbler: Busher, I know what he wants! Arlee: What does he want Gabbler? Busher: Tell me please Gabbler, please! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first, on Futchafutcha! Gabbler: Do you trust me Busher? Tucker: Come on Gabbler, this is not the time! Help him! Busher: What!? Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Jagger: Ah Gabbler… Busher: Just get me out of here! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer!! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Tucker: Would you just say it you stubborn fack! Arlee: Uh-oh here’s another finger! ‘Manda: (POP) Hi this is ‘Manda and Busher likes to hold hands and take pictures because he doesn’t know how to kiss a girl… Jagger: Wheeeezzzeee it’s the first girlfriend is it Ned? Busher: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! PEAH, GABBLER I TRUST YAOW! NOW TELL ME WHAT TO DO! Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Gabbler: Ok, Busher… Jagger: More lads, over there- Caroline: (POP) Hiya, this is Caroline and Busher likes to squirt his hot load over my head onto me Daddy’s favourite picture of Manchester United in the sitting room, because he had never masterbay- Busher: Quick ya FUCKER! Caroline: …ated before in his life. Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay- Sandra: (POP) Hi this is Sandra Davidson and Busher likes to spit in me face, when I don’t give him the ride at the back of the Arlee’s disco… Busher: AHAAWW AHAW! I remember that one tho’! Arlee: You were tryin’ to get up on my sister were ya? Busher: Peah, wassit got to do witcha? Gay Chris: Let’s play… Comfortable? Comfortable? Hmm hmm? Comfortable? Gabbler: Ok, Busher, Gay Chris wants you to use your fastest finger first. Each finger holds a fantasy of yours on top of it. Select the best one. Use your instinct, be fast and don’t think. That’s why it’s fastest finger first! Gay Chris won’t let you go until you tell the truth… Arlee: Hahaha, good one Gabbler… Tucker: Oooiright! Jagger: They’re all equally sick Ned. Tucker: Woo! Busher: But but, I like them all! I don’t know which one… Gay Chris: Is the WRONG answer! Okaay, fastest finger first on Futchafutcha! Tucker: There has to be a best one, there always is! The one you can rely on, you know, every night! Gay Chris: Comfortable? Comfortable? Comfortable? Fastest Finger, fastest finger, fastest finger, futchafutcha, fastest finger-Busher: (under breath) Which one tho’. All so great. Mrs Flenny’s a golden oldie quick one but with Laura you build up slow and easy. Morten is for when I’m angry and need to wash it off PEAH! Aw sweeeeet Caroline… the classic, fwizzz! Mrs Bruno; best after the hash when you don’t think of Jagger’s raw slapped arse. Sandra… fresh in the mind like yesterday… which is it? MMMM… Gabbler Come on Busher… come on… Tucker: I hope you are right Gabbler… if not, we may never leave this place. Arlee: Don’t say that… Bad enough hearing voices sure, I don’t need to be watchin’ Busher’s sick fantasies poppin’ up for the rest of me life… Busher: (To himself) Are the lads are watchin’ me? Has to be Caroline for the shock of it at the time… Ah no… but is it me best fantasy? Why are there no ones with supermodels or B0urney’s girlfriend in it? Why do I always have to get the stupid real ones? Tucker: He’s thinkin’ too much… just spit it out! Gay Chris: Comfortable? Hmm? Comfortable? Fastest finger, fastest finger, fastest finger, futchafutcha, fastest finger. There’s no rush, there’s no rush… Take your time... Fastest finger… VOTE NOW! Gabbler: I know I am right. Jagger: You have to be! Wheeeezzzeee! Gay Chris: We want you to win, we want you to win, everyone’s behind you, take your time, take your time… Vote now, fastest finger first, comfortable? Take your time. Busher: Stop talk-STOP TALKIN’ TO ME WILL YA?? Tucker: Stop thinkin’ will ya... Gay Chris: Comfortable? Take your time… Busher: (To himself) Head’s spinnin’, need Mammy… Everyone’s lookin’ at me. Ok Gay Chris, I’m gonna go for it… Gay Chris: Is the RIGHT ANSWER! Amplevoicepod make ear-film comedy drama adventures where we submerge your ears in a sea of sound, putting you at the heart of the story along with our heroes. Bursting out feature-length stories with over 40 titles and 50+ characters, all created from collaborative ideas and sculpted over months to arrive at the final mix. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
From the Garden of Aiden to Dickus and Baldy at the Garden of Rememberin’s… Ginger: Meoorooow! Baldy: No, no I can’t go on… I’m fucked. Dickus: You probably are, but we must keep walking. Baldy: Uuughghnn (collapses). Ginger: Roooreeeww… Dickus: Baldy! Baldy! Get up! Baldy! Come on! Spikus: Stop it Dickus! Leave him alone, it’s okay fuss fuss… Dickus: We have to keep going. I know what I’m doing Spikus. I will tell ya, I said I would! Don’t worry, trust me… Baldy! Baldy! (FX voices begin to echo into the distance as Baldy slides into unconsciousness) Baldy: Uhhhh… sleeeep… Laura: (FX babbling brook) Baldy… Baldy? Baldy: Laura? Is that you? Laura: Baldy, I will wash you. Lay your tired body upon this low stone pedestal… Baldy: Ok Laura… Laura: Undo your bulletbelt and look down, I will dribble on your legs. Baldy: Yes Laura… Laura: Look into the puddle that I create… Baldy: Feels so good Laura. Laura: Will you look into the puddle? Baldy: What will I see? Laura: Even Tucker cannot tell. For the puddle shows many things… Things that were… Things that are… And some things that’ve not yet come to pass. Baldy: It looks dark an’ an’ muddy. I can’t- Laura: I know what it is you saw… Baldy: But I haven’t looked yet. Laura: For it is in my mind. It is the future, Baldy. Baldy: Sure I know it is, if ya can’t see it, that’s the future, all muddy and not even happened yet… Laura: It is what will come to pass if you fail. Baldy: You mean nothing will come to pass if I fail? What am I meant to pass? A test? Like an exam? I was useless in school. Laura: Baldy… Look into the puddle. The United Mutations are breaking up. Baldy: The who? Who’s breakin’ up? Are you breakin’ up with me Laura? Can you do that from Heaven? Is me daddy still there? Laura: It has already begun. He will try to take the egg. Baldy: Who will- What egg? What are talkin’ about Laura? Are ya drunk up there? You hangin’ around with the Jesus, gettin’ pissed on the wine? You better not go off with him! Laura: You know of whom I speak. Baldy: I don’t actually, I’m a bit lost… Fair enough the wash was needed and it’s very nice but I haven’t a clue what you are on about. Can you dry me feet now? Laura: Listen you fucking idiot, one by one he will destroy them all! Baldy: Do you mean that Soupalon ‘Brindle’? He’s a bollocks alright, he killed you remember? Yeah it must be him… What do I need to do? Don’t forget in the cracks there… Dickus: Wake up Baldy! Wass he doin’ Spikus? ‘Ere! Stop rollin’ down your shorts! Is he dreamin’? Ginger: Meeeooow! Baldy: (slap) Uh Laur-UGNH! (slap) Stop it! Stop slappin’ me! I’m pregnant! Dickus: So you keep sayin’, now can we keep goin’ please? We have to find your friends! Baldy: I was enjoyin’ that! I slept with Laura… Dickus: Very happy for ya- Spikus! Get a hold of him there, up on to his feet. Baldy: She was sayin’ mad stuff to me. Dickus: Makes a change I suppose, now we must move! The Slaggers will be near! Baldy: She was sayin’ stuff about some ‘United Mutations’ or somethin’- Spikus: UuuuH! Ginger: Reooow? Dickus: Ahh! Baldy: (Falls to the ground) Ah!!! Careful! Me waters could have broken. Dickus: Eh but… Nevermind! Listen hold still there. You said ‘United Mutations’, how’d you know about that? Baldy: Me wife Laura told me. Dickus: Hah? You became one with her? Didn’t know you had it in ya. Where is she now Baldy? Baldy: Well now she’s in me dreams… Dickus: No! NO! Where is she NOW! Like physically? Is she here on the Savage Garden? Has Brindle got her? How does she know about mutants? Baldy: (Taps fag) Brindle (lights fag) killed her. (Exhales) She’s dead Dickus… Ginger: Rooow… Dickus: The mangy mylox! You can’t trust that lad can ya? Stuh! But what about these United Mutations? How’d she tell you in your dreams? Baldy: I don’t know. Dickus: What did she say was going to happen to them? Baldy: I don’t know Dickus right? I don’t know what she meant about who, and I don’t know why she said it. All I know is that the lads are here to come rescue me. Dickus: But it’s very important you remember right? We’re still in the Garden of Rememberin’s right? So yer in the right place, come on! Quick now, what did Laura say? We’ve really no time for this! Baldy: Stop pokin’ me, I can’t. Dickus: Baldy, you do realise what’s going to happen to your world, if you can’t remember? Baldy: Yeah sure… Dickus: Brindle will- wha? You remember? Baldy: No, but I remember what ‘Tracksuit’ told me in the spaceship. Dickus: What was it? Tell me! Baldy: Sure he said yis are gonna take over the Earth with bags of chips and youse are using this Savage Garden place to harvest human mind molecules or some shit. That he’s going to turn everyone into forever people with better brains. Sure we don’t need better brains. We’re doin’ alright thanks. Dickus: You’ve got to stop this! Brindle can’t win! I mean, you can’t let, let, ahem, THEM win! Baldy: I know, I know! Oh yeah, and he said that ‘I’m the key’ and my baby holds the key of the universe… Dickus: That you are Baldy, that you are… Spikus: Dickus… Ginger: Meooooew! Dickus: Baldy, and Spike, this is for you too; we and by ‘we’ I mean ‘him’; ‘Malthus Brindle’, is going to change the collective mind of your planet. The Boghead, our Soupalon master, knows we can’t take yis by force, nor breed yis out, but he can program yis for collective trauma-based mind control. He’s been plannin’ this one for a looooong time. Self-determination Baldy, that’s what yis have, that’s what me and Spikus love about your place, n’tha’ right Spikus? All the choices in the world… We on Soupalon have no choice like that, it is just the Boghead this, Boghead that… Baldy: Why am I the one everyone is always countin’ on? I was just a part-time self-employed cartoonist sittin’ on the dole back in Ratchly… Dickus: Because it is your destiny… Baldy: Why my destiny? Why not Tucker’s destiny? Arlee’s? Jagger’s? Even stupid Busher’s? Why is it me they are here to save?? What did I ever do? Dickus: You did nothin’ Baldy. You are the most revolting human for a reason. It’s all set up this way. Your friends too have their parts to play. That’s why we need to get to them quickly! Spikus: Dickus… Baldy: I know! We need to meet up to get out of here! Warn Earth and all its leaders about Brindle! Dickus: NO! We need to find them before they find us! Spikus: Stop it Dickus. Baldy: Yeah! So to warn the world, I understand! Dickus: No Baldy, you don’t understand, that’s the point. You don’t get it do ya? The farther Tucker and all thems lads come to try find you, the more Gardens they pass through, and the more Gardens they pass through; the more challenges they win and the more The Boghead has better information to manipulate human mind modules on Earth! They’re achievement is factored in! It’s all planned! You have to stop them! They’re committing themselves to their own human downfall! Baldy: Wha? But sure- Dickus: Yis are workin’ against yourselves! The more you win the more you lose! And so far Brindle hasn’t copped on to what The Boghead is playing at. So I’ll use his ignorance as my advantage. Baldy: My friends are not losers! Ginger: Meeeooow! Reeoww! Baldy: Yeah, you tell ‘em Ginger! Dickus: But they are MUTANTS! They have developed mutations from the early compound we were planning to use for biochip implantation. Spikus: Dickus! Baldy: I don’t understand! Dickus: I know ya don’t! Your friends developed mutations from the vat of mutagen in the Ratchly chemical factory. Tucker’s more intelligent! Jagger slows time, Gabbler speeds it up, Arlee hears voices and Busher’s face is a map of the cosmos! Spikus: What are you doing Dickus!? Baldy: So… That’s why I’m pregnant! It was that jelly stuff at the factory! I got impregnanted with your poison. Spikus: Dickus! Dickus: No, that’s NOT it Baldy! Spikus: DICKUS! Baldy: What do you mean ‘not it’? Look at me sure! Dickus: What Spikus WHAT? Always breakin’ the flow y’are! Spikus: It’s the SLAGGERS! Ginger: Hfizzzzz! Dickus: Uh-oh, we got company. Run Baldy, run! Baldy: Ah no, look! Me, me water’s broke! It’s on the way! Dickus: I know! Sure it happened earlier when you were asleep! Now move, we have to get off this lowland, we’re too exposed! (FX of Silvic Liquid bursts) Dickus: NOW! 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
The game is afoot, Dickus and Spikus escape the clutch of Maltus Brindle as our heroes traverse the Ureariver away from the Shlylerbols. (Wading through river as Shlylerbols laugh in distance) Jagger: Ah me mickey… Arlee: Stand up ya fongin’ eegit Gabbler, sure it’s only waist high. Trust me ya fucker! Gabbler: Me hair! Jagger: Smell is stingin’... Tucker: Stinkin’ Busher: Stankin’! Gabbler: Stretchin’! Your Tank Top is stretchin’! Arlee: Ah the double-cross stitchin’ will take the pull Gabbler, it’ll hold. Head up! I have ya. Phew! Stauch of that... Was that you was it? Wade across her slow... Hold each other’s arms with the free hand. Busher: Get off me! Tucker: Busher, stop it! We have to do it togethaaah. Arlee: Gently, gently, don’t pull on her too hard... Tucker: Tank Top is goin’ Arlee. Arlee: Nearly there... Keep the head up Jagger... Don’t look at it. That’s it… Okay Gabbler... Keep chin up... Jagger: Ahhhh steamy sludge... Busher: Hang tough Jagger ya eejit... the coast is clearly there. I see it! Arlee: That’s it, nearly, nearly. One more- Gabbler: (Choking on water) Curse me stunted growth. Tucker: Grab the lip of it Busher! Arlee: (Rips) The Tank Top is gonna give lads, quick grab the edge! Jagger: (Chokes) Blubullblblb... Busher: PEAH! GOT IT! PHWIZZZ! Arlee: (Exhausted) Aw, aw- Gabbler: (Coughs) Thanks God.. Tucker: No... Thank the Tank Top. Arlee: Aw, finally… We made it. Aw, curse o’ the God on it. Jagger: Ah this is sick... I’m alive. (Cough) Me lungs... Hoooo. Arlee: Those flying fongers with the smoke and the whispers- Tucker: They nearly had us come to blows mate. Busher: PEAH! Bastards... What is this? This ledge is all rubbery. Gabbler: Where are we? Jagger: Me kidneys are like Mrs Bruno’s tits! Busher: Smell of this place... Like… Like boiled horse fat. Jagger: Why can’t I go? Arlee: Ya didn’t even let it off in the water when we were crossin’ over? I do that in the pool sure. What’s wrong with you Jagger? Jagger: Hah? Arlee: Nevermind... Tucker: Aw facksake, I’m never swimmin’ in Gagan’s again... Busher: What is this rubbery place? Pinky, blochy walls each side... all dark and walnutty in front... Gabbler: Little spikey trees pokin’ out along the walls too. What is it? (Deep ground rumble) Tucker: Uh-oh, that’s seismic lads... at least a 6.8. Busher: AHH! Me feet!! Stoppit! I’m rising up. Arlee: Look! The little trees on the walls are all pokin’ sameways. It’s weird. Tucker: Like they sense our presence. (The Scorgie cries – distant) Tucker: (Farts) Motha! Arlee: Seems like somethin’ else has just sensed us Tucker. Gabbler: Lads! The walls! Look! (The Scorgie cries – Louder) (Squelches). Busher: PEAH! What is that? Come out! Arlee: Straight ahead! Up over the mound beyond the two hills, it’s a face! Busher: I’m not afraid to say this, but I’m scared... MAMAAAY! (The Scorgie screams) Tucker: Fackin’ hell. Which eh, which way is best? Show me your face Busher. Arlee: Hang on... that looks like.- Gabbler: The walls are splittin’ up! T-there’s a tunnel in the middle! Tucker: That ain’t no tunnel Gabbler... (The Scorgie screams) (Squelch). Arlee: Eyooo, that’s a brutal whiff! Jagger: Wheeeezeee!! That’s the biggest pussy I’ve EVER seen! Tucker: Motha of God! It’s a bloody giant female! Jagger: Yeah, honest to God like… Busher: PEAH! That’s one of them yokes? Jagger: Yeah… Arlee: That’s her massive hole there Busher lookit! Have you never seen one before? Tucker: Size of her grizzly bits, and we’re stuck up between ‘em! Run! Gabbler: Where? Up her hairless ‘Goblin’s tube’? (The Scorgie Screams) Jagger: Wheeezeee! This is not good is it tho’? Aww I need to go!! Arlee: We all need to go... Tucker: ROCK! ROCK! (ROCK LANDS) Busher: Wha’th’fuck? Arlee: She’s peggin’ rocks! Take cover! Go for the inside leg. (Another rock lands) Busher: Bitch’s tryin’ to kill us! Gabbler: Pingin’ ‘em like pebbles. Eh, if anyone would like to use their mutation to our advantage, now is the time! (Another rock lands close) Tucker: We gotta move back and scale over the, the kneecap there... (Loud rumble) Busher: She’s pushin’ wider! Dirty fu- Jagger: This is like Valley of the Dolls! What’s goin’ on? Gabbler: What’s that noise? (Far away buzz) Arlee: It’s comin’ from inside her gearbox! (Scream of birth followed by louder buzz) Tucker: Oh fack… 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Baldy and Ginger flee into the Savage Garden. Meanwhile, aboard the incoming Shoupshuttle… Dickus: Alright mutants, hang on! Arlee: ‘ere, how long to the Savage Garden? Dickus: We’re pentetratin’ the lower atmosphere. Jagger: Heeezzze, it’s like sittin’ on a 200 watt amp, Gabbler: Fierce salty too... Dickus: Salty eh? Gabbler: I should know, I swallowed enough of Pat Moley’s. Mnammnam… Busher: I feel sick. Tucker: How in the name of Jonah will you land this thing? Spikus: Um? I don’t know! It’s all gone white, hurhurhur, it’s all gone white! Arlee: It’s a bit bumpy. Dickus: Right, they’ll have copped us coming in so we’re gonna have to take extreme measures’s! Arlee: Extreme? Whaddaya mean ‘extreme’? Busher: Peah! I don’t like the sound of this. Dickus: It’s the only way. Jagger: What are ya doin’ ‘Flares’? Arlee: Careful on the clutch there will ya? Dickus: Just remember, aim for the centre, that’s where Baldy is... Tucker: Dickus, what are you doing!? Dickus: Brace yourselves... Spikus: NO DICKUS NO! Gabbler: I-I-I don’t believe it! Dickus: Ejaculate! (Presses the Ejaculator) (Boyoyoyoyoingggg!) All: AHAAHHAHH! FUCCCK! MAMAAAAAAAY! (To fade) Spikus: Uhoh! Dickus! You ejected them! Dickus: That’s it Spikus! They’re gonna be planted in the garden. Spikus: Bu-but they’re gonna die! Why did you do that? WHY? Dickus: Spikus! We can’t land here with humans! They’d be subjumagated, and we couldn’t tell ‘em that, coz they wouldn’t want to know, and sure you can’t tell them what’s down THERE. Better to ejaculate with the ignorance still in ‘em, I say, Spikus: They’ll die! Dickus: No they won’t! Spikus: It’s wrong! Dickus: Lissen Spikus, the Savage Garden only disconnects you from your MIND! Not your body. It persuades you that you are insignificant and powerless and makes you believe it is right. It only annihilates your brain, not your balls! Spikus: Why throw them in? They can’t handle it Dickus! They got us back here and now you betray them, again! Dickus: Second time for everytin’ ay?! Ah but but, it’s not really. Them lads must find themselves, they must be disconnected by the Garden to feed their souls, to discover their true knowledge of who they are and their own infinite potential to manifest their own destiny and control! Spikus: Really Dickus? Dickus: No, meheheheh! But sounds good doesn’t it? Meheheh, right! Time to introduce ourselves to the latest fool The Boghead has in charge. Take her left Spikus... Spikus: Bastard! Dickus: That’s me! Ah here son, they’ll be alright Spikus, I know it. Now come on, I’m starvin’. (Shoupshuttle departs) (Outdoor Savage Garden perspective) (Creature sounds) (Falling from the sky above, approaching) All: AAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Backwards) (Impact thump) (All voices backwards) Jagger: Ah ah AHHH ME FUCKIN’ SACK! 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
(Opening credits sequence) Gabbler: This is like being in a holograph. Busher: Phwizzz! Tucker: Come on Busher! Will you make space?! Dickus: Plenty of it around ya here... Spikus: We need to find out the co-ordinates otherwise we’re going nowhere Dickus, Dickus: Shhh Spikus, I know... We have to figure somethin’ out. Boghead knows how this is going to work. Spikus: And us with human cargo... Dickus: I know. Pure madness! Spikus: Do you really know what you are doin’? Dickus: No, not really... Busher: Ah, it’s quare n’ hot. Do you find it hot? Well you would, jaysis, with those boots and everything... Jagger: Hah, did you say somethin’ Ned? Arlee: Yeah it’s a bit hot... Jagger: Yeah, the shirt is stuck to me yeah? Tucker: Well take off your tops then if you’re all so hot! Arlee: You’re not even hot then? Busher: Sure all the heat is in his head... Jagger: Go on, take your top off Ned... you started it. Wheeeze! Busher: You first, Tucker: Why the fack does somebody have to be first? If you’re hot, take off your top! Dickus: What are they shoutin’ about back there Spikus? Spikus: I dunno. Dickus: I’ll check it out. Keep her steady till we hit the Van Halen’ses for the swing round and then... well.. then somethin’. Jagger: Go on Ned, take it off. Look, sure I’ll stand here with no shirt on, look! (Riiiip!) See! I’m not scared. Gabbler: He’s ripped the Sabbath t-shirt straight off him! That’s great Jagger! (clap clap) You next Busher! Busher: Peah! What’s wrong with yis? Arlee: Are ya shy Busher? Is that it? Jagger: Hah?- Busher: I’m not fuckin’ shy! Tucker: No waaay, Busher is shy! Take off the v-neck Busher! And the shirt! Gabbler: Take the whole lot off! OFF! OFF! OFF! All: OFF! OFF!! OFF!! Busher: Leave me alone! Tucker: Only gettin’ hotter Busher! You may do it. Busher: I said LEAVE ME ALONE! WANT A BOX IN THE FACE? Tucker: Holy fack! Arlee: Look at HIS face! Jagger: Wheeeezzzzeeee! It’s come alive! Gabbler: What is it? Show me! Busher: What are yis lookin’ at? Stop lookin’ at me! Arlee: Busher... Tucker: Busher, the moles on your face have started moving around! Jagger: Hah?- Arlee: Oh my god... Busher: Leave my moles alone! So what if I have loads... Tucker: But they’ve gone all Pixar on yer face. Oiiright! Dickus: What are yis shoutin’ about back here? Arlee: Busher’s face has exploded to life! Tucker: They’re making little concentrical revolutions and- Dickus: Never like gettin’ this close to a human... but... Busher: Get away from me! Dickus: Stand still ya eegit. Well would you look at that... I’ve never seen this before. Jagger: Heeee. Busher’s a freak. Arlee: Sure we knew that. Tucker: ...they look like they’re moving on an ELIPTICAL PLANE! No WAAAY! Busher: Stoppit! Gabbler: Tell us Tucker! Tucker: If I am correct, each of the moles on Busher’s face could correspond to… yeah, yeah, planets in our solar system! See? All of them buzzin’ around their orbits and if that big freckle is the sun, then… okay look, there’s Earth, Mars... Jupiter... Dickus: Is this normal in your species? We missed this bit in prep. Arlee: Ahhhh... (voices) me head... Dickus: And what is WRONG with you? In fact, what is wrong with all of yis??? Jagger: Hah? Dickus: You, the Jagger, you mumble and hear nothing half the time, you hear things you’re not supposed to, you, Gabbler, speak so fast, you confuse all humans, and this lad’s face has ejaculated spots. As for you Tucker, you were never near this intelligent the last time we met in the Chemical Factory... I'm bemused by this. Tucker: Oiiiright! I have it! Look! There’s an extra green mole on his face not accounted for in our planetary system, and that’s with all the moons! Look at the elliptical; its orbit takes it in around the back of our moon! It HAS to be the SAVAGE GARDEN! Dickus: HAH? What? Busher: I used to be beautiful. What happened to me MAMMAY?! Dickus: You mean, his face is a map to the Savage Garden? That’s fortunate! Arlee: Why? Did yis not have a map already? Dickus: Eh.. not exactly, like eh, the auld GPS is actin’ up... we woulda had it back in no time like, but this is an excellent back up! Well done! PAt on the back there lads! Busher: And when were you going to tell us that hah? Dickus: It’s not important now. What’s important is you start givin’ me some answers here Moleface. We’ll start with you Jagger... Jagger: Hah? Dickus: See? What is this? He can’t hear me! You heard me? Why not him? Jagger: What’s he talking about lads? Heheee... you make no sense. Arlee: I have no idea. Dickus: JAGGER! Jagger: Hah? Dickus: HELLO?? Jagger: Stop shoutin’ at me! Dickus: JAGGER!!! See? No answer again! Tucker: He’s on some auditory bi-cycle... Dickus: JAGGER!!! YOU FOOL!!! I’ll BAYTE YA!!! Jagger: AH!! Stop it! Dickus: Hello? Jagger: Stop that shoutin’! Ahhh! Dickus: Look! He’s gettin’ angry, he’s geeeeettttttiiiiinnnnn’ Gabbler: AHHHHhhhhhhhhcchchchchch... (SLOW DOWN). Dickus: Now-time-is-slow... you Gabbler, take-this! (smaaackkk) Gabbler: AHH! AHHAHA! (Speed up) Busher: (Speeding up) Are we warpin’ or what the fuck? PEAH! Tucker: This is mental! (FAST). Dickus: OK OK OK OK, CALM DOWN CALM DOWN GABBLER... (SLOWS)...AHA! It’s as I expected! Get Jagger angry; he slows time, get the Gabbler angry; he speeds up time! Arlee: That’s insane! I-I-I ... I can’t get me head around that! Dickus: You, you with the nose... Arlee: Name’s Arlee Davidson, Ratchly’s greatest DJ. Dickus: Describe the sounds in your head. Arlee: I can’t... Tucker: Go on Arlee... tell him... Dickus: Tell me! Arlee: But it’s just, they’re nonsense! Just loud garbled sounds, I can’t make head nor fuckin' tail of them. Dickus: Just say it best you can. Arlee: Okay... (Backwards) “Second Egg, Second Egg, Savage Second Egg, follow the map of moles to the reach the Second Egg”. Y'see? Jagger: That sounds backwards like when me cassettes get fucked up in the tape machine. Dickus: It means somethin’, it must do. So, you; slowing time, you; speeding time, you; mad sounds. Tucker has over-intelligence and Busher with the moving mole-mountains. What have we got here eh? Some sort of “United Mutations” or what? MEHEHEHEH! Gabbler: United Mutations? Wow. Tucker: I-I-I ... I never thought like this before, like I never really used my brain at all. Now I can handle the pressa! Oooiight! I am a human Exabyte! Able to think it all out! It must have been when... Dickus: Yes? Tucker: When... Dickus: Yes? it was somethin’ alright. Busher: Are you saying we’re freaks? Arlee: Shut up Busher will ya? Jagger: What is it Tucks, are, are we mad? Tucker: ... wait... it must have been when, during the fight out at the factory with your lads Dickus. Lilo McGregor fell into the Vat of Mutagen and that gunge splashed everywhere! Jagger: Ah wheeeezzzeee! Yeah, I nearly fell in but thanks to the belt on me flares saved me. We all got covered in that jelly. Arlee: Fongin’ Fortycoats! Ever since that day, Lilo McGregor disappeared from my head and this new sound built slowly up in my head over twelve fuckim' years... more and more... Harder faster longer louder and in bloody reverse too! Gabbler: That’s why Pat Moley broke up with me... After that time he never wanted to see me again. I was so alone. That’s why I got into conspiracy theories, and reporting the Soupalon invasion. Which was REAL! And I was RIGHT. And FUCK You!! Busher: Peah... I always had moles and I was nowhere near the factory twelve year ago, but but... PEAH! Somehow with Baldy next door and Laura... I must have picked it up from Laura... Aw no... Arlee: How Busher, how’d you do that? How’d you get this pox like us? Busher: … I don’t know. Eh… Well, I suppose… I-I-I used to steal her used toothbrushes an’ n’ n’ other things right, from their rubbish bin... I had me a horde under the bed and I may have put one or two in me mouth... once or twice like... Tucker: WOT? They may have shared a toothbrush Busher! ... Did you ever think of that? Busher: AH Gross! WHA? PEAH! AHRGH! SPIT IT OUT! Baldy in me mouth! No! NO! Jagger: What did he just say? Arlee: He may have gone other places too with the toothbrush I reckon hehheheh. Busher: MAMAAAY! Tucker: That’s how Baldy became pregnant! Of course! Makes logical sense now! He got jellied like the rest of us. Fack! Dickus: The Vat of Mutagen. The factory foreman Gerry Freely set it up for us... that was for the... ah... actually I don’t really know... but I’m sure it was... eh... for the good of Earth Society! Busher: PEAH! MMMNNLLLMMMLLL. LIAR! Tucker: What was that green jelly for Dickus? Dickus: That’s not important now, what is, is you lads have been infected with a MUTAGEN! You are all MUTANTS! Skilled up and all powerful! Jagger: I slow down time! Heeheheheeeee!!! Good for workin’ out the riffs in songs! Don’t need to go to Waltons anymore... Arlee: Why did you get a good one? I got schizophrenia! Tucker: Oh no... Gabbler: What Tucks? What is it now? Are ya alright? Tucker: NO! I’ve realised that I don’t know how to control my superior intelligence! Oh Look! Rigel... It’s a bright one... on the scale of magnitudes it’s in the negative numbers which means it’s very bright and numbers on the opposite end up are very faint. So Sirius has an MV of -1.42, our Moon -12.5 and the Sun is -26.5! Oiiright Rigel! -1.36! Gabbler: Yeah yeah and Brussel Sprouts are like pubic hair Arlee: Aha good one Gabbler- Jagger: What was the joke lads? Dickus: So we have the United Mutations heh? And Spikus, we have a map! Busher, get your face into the cockpit till we get to the Savage Garden! This is going to tear the skin off your eyeballs... 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Baldy: Urghgh. Get off me yis bastards! Ginger: Meeowwww... Brindle: Ah, the pregnant one called 'Baldy'... Please, sit down, oh, but you probably can’t. Baldy: Evil twisted burglarising festered ignorant- Brindle: Yes Mr Destiny, I’m glad you accepted my invitation after your treatment. I have prepared a nice presentation for you. Tonus: I bow in such presence of greatness. Touch it gently... touch it gently... Touch it, touch it. It’s all ready for you Overlorder. Mnnng. Brindle: Ah... yes... one moment.... It... I set it up earlier... and now, mmm… it doesn’t seem to work... Tonus? Baldy: Doesn’t work does it? Ah, that’s a pity... Tonus: She may have a virus. Brindle: You are the one with the virus... Baldy: If it’s alright with youse I’d like to lie down and hope to die soon. back in the cell if you don’t mind. Ginger: Meooow. Brindle: Ah ha! Now, where was I? Baldy: Talkin’ shite as usual. Brindle: And yet you seem to understand it quite easily don’t you Human. Tonus: AH! Sickened! Sickened! Gotcha on that one, gotcha on that one he did HENDRIX! Brindle: Here on the Savage Garden, we aim to- Baldy: Boring. Brindle: Uhuh- here on the Savage Garden- Baldy: Fuck you Tracksuit. Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me... Brindle: Would you like more treatment? Baldy: No. But that’s not the point. Brindle: Baldy you make no sense as usual. Allow me to present our most wondrous of experiments and blow your tiny docile mind. Baldy: No I won’t. Brindle: Won’t what? Baldy: Allow you. I’ll just sit here and look at the wall if you want sure, makes no odds to me. Ginger: Meeoow. Brindle: Well then I’ll just present it with your passive participation. Baldy: (flicks lighter) Why did you kill my daddy? Brindle: Mmm Baldy, another pathetic interruption? Baldy: Go on, answer the question, why did you kill my Daddy, what did he have to do with anything? Brindle: He had served his purpose. Baldy: Sure what purpose did he have? Brindle: We’re on a strict timetable here Baldy, your questions will have to be ignored. Baldy: Why’d yis kill Tom Kendall? Brindle: Because he was in the way of you delivering your destiny’s child! Baldy: Why tho’? Brindle: LIE DOWEN! Baldy: I won’t! Brindle: Tonus! Restraint the fool and I shall continue my presentation. Tonus: Shuttup uglylad! (Testie Tazer). Baldy: Ahhhh! Ginger: PHSST!!! Brindle: This! ...is the Savage Garden; where Soupalon will reverse engineer the modules of the human mind, breaking down the thought processes to base intuitive mechanics. There are 16 mind modules and eight gardens. In each garden two modules shall be tested. We shall combine these base instincts with Soupalon ones to improve the human through magnetic resonance and brainwave stimulants... Baldy: Y-y-yis are playing GOD. Brindle: Yes, you believe in a God don’t you Baldy? Now all you need is to believe in us and this time we will actually deliver. Baldy: We decide on our own, thanks. Brindle: Soupalon will improve you. Baldy: We don’t need improving. We don’t need none of yers, (lighter flick) education. Brindle: Then you are, as is obvious, wilfully regressive and actively ignorant. Baldy: If we’re ignorant, we’ll sort it out amongst ourselves. Brindle: No, there’s been too much time for that and nothing has changed. Once our Savage Garden core data is amassed, then biochip implantationing-ing shall begin on Earth. Your planet is witness to carrying out a large scale mental and physical experiment, Baldy, and you are its key, and the secret to its success. Baldy: I’m no-ones key. I am me! Y’s’ll never genetically modify us all! Brindle: Start with the beans and move forward! Maybe we will mutate humans into physical representations of you Baldy; right down to your painfully binary mind. Tonus: Heargh! GRAB IT GRAB IT! GRAB IT! Ngggg… A Nation of Uglylads! United under one big tooth! Brindle: Soupalon shall control the population- Tonus: LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR! Release the lethal VIRUS! Baldy: Y’s’ll never do it! Humans will fight! Resist! No bags of chips for us! Brindle: Those who refuse will be outcast, untouchable by benefit, care, money, housing, work or of any relevant status. Zero-people vs the Forever People, which one you think they will chose Baldy? Baldy: They choose life! They choose freedom! Brindle: Your child may disagree, Baldy. Baldy: You leave my baby alone! Brindle: Sean the Degus! Sean: Yes Overlord? Brindle: Request attendance of the Savagery Pedup Bauer... Sean: Yes Overlord, expongulating Savagery Pedup Bauer- Pedup: “Pedup Bauer, Pedup Bauer, Akkkshshsh...” Sean: Pedup Bauer, Overlord Brindle requests attendance in the Orb. Pedup: “Fuck Yis… I’m seein’ doublery… Pedup Bauer… Pedup Bauer, Pedup Bauer, Akkkshshsh.” Tonus: HENDRIX! (Mimics Purple Haze). Narrator: Who can stop these Soupalon plans of Earth domination? We return to find Busher and company going cross country… Arlee: Ah now but if you tie her in a clinch knot then th’chandler’ll never fall off till she’s in the craw of the rainbow. Busher: Peah, what IS he sayin’ and what the fuck are you wearin’? Did you kill all the animals for that coat yourself? Jagger: Hah?- Arlee: D’ya fish Busher? Busher: Hah? Only when I go to Dolly the chipperses for the €2.50 Cod & chips. Tucker: I know it’s this way lads, follow me. Arlee: Best fishin’ around lads is best done over that hill there I’d come down with the daddy in the jumper the mammy made me. So we’d skin her in over the fence when the fly was low an’ lure the lads with the spinners. Busher: Whatever, I’m not listenin’ to ya. Where are we goin’? It’s startin’ to rain now sure. Are we supposed to be in the Ballygannorn woods... Arlee: Usually tho’ in the high season, we’d use the bobbers to get the strikes... Jagger: Can I stop and drain the flute? I’m burstin’. Tucker: Save it Jagger. Busher: Are we there yet? Arlee: Had to be careful though, ya had to jigger it all the time and watch out for the aul’ trout fallin’ off. Jagger: Will me trout fall off if I don’t have a piss Arlee yeah? Ah no... Arlee: What? No, the jiggerin’ Jagger, jiggerin’! Ya gotta jigger the fishin’ line! Jagger: Tell me! Is it goin’ to fall off or what? Busher: Peah, yeah, sure the bone in your mickey starts meltin’ due to the build up of pissy acid. Tucker: Heheh. Correct trajectory is up this gradient, boys. Jagger: Whatcha say? Busher: Ah, just come on. Here Tucker, it’s gettin’ quare’n dark. Arlee: Good time for the trout, Jagger: I can’t see. It is fierce dark lads, hiheee. (Rustle in the bushes) Tucker: Shhh! Pipe down boys. We got company. Busher: Bastards... Jagger: Oww owww mmmnngg- Arlee: Stop the jumpin’ Jagger. Tucker: It’s over there... See the shadows, look... Busher: Is it them? Peah! Action! Tucker: Dunno. Ooh, ooiright, it’s coming this way. Shhh... get on yer honkers lads n’ we’ll lep on it when it passes. Jagger: I’m on for that, yeah, I’ll do that. Busher: Peah, action... finally, doin’ nathin’ like gobshites. Arlee: Reel ‘im in lads, reel in the fongin’ aliens... Tucker: One... two, th- Busher: NOW! Tucker: Aw fuck it! Busher: ARghgh! GOTCHA! Jagger: Hah? What?? Settle!!! Settle! Arlee: Ahh ahh! Diggin’ the talons into me!! Dirty f- Gabbler: AHHHH! TAKE ME YIS OUTERWORLDERS!!! ARGH! Busher: Mammy! fecker! Patrick! I recognise that voice! Arlee: Stop with the nails. Tucker: It’s the feckin’ Gabbler lads! Gabbler: Eh-huh? What? Jaysis, it’s youse lads! Busher! Jagger! Wow I-I-thought I was a gooner there lads, taken up to the ship and subjected to probe after probe where they suspend your foreskin on hooks an’ all! Busher: Gabbler, what are you doin’ here? Gabbler: I’d ask youse the same. It’s two minutes to midnight. Tucker: We’re here to find Dickus Soupus. Jagger: Hah? Tucker: Dickus Soupus, Jagger. Gabbler: The Soupalon? He’s come back to Earth? Tucker: He’s never left it mate. Jagger: Yeah, Tucker thinks he’s our way to what Busher told us. Gabbler: About Baldy and Laura, yeah, Busher: And Ginger, peah!!! Gabbler: I can’t believe it! I knew there was a scoop! I smelt it... Tucker: Yeah, but how the fuck do you know anythin’ at all Gabbler? Gabbler: Sure I’m a journalist aren’t I? Busher: Shyeah- Tucker: No, I mean, how the fack did you know about us in the first place? Jagger: (To himself) – ♫ Lord of this world, Evil possessor, Lord of this world, He's your confessor nowwww... ♫ Arlee: You weren’t at the Chemical Factory Gabbler. Gabbler: I was. Tucker: Never saw ya. Busher: You know too much Gabbler. Go on, spit it out. Gabbler: Eh? Arlee: Go on, go on! How’d you know it all? Gabbler: Alright, alright, I was there, but I didn’t see anything. I was locked in the back of Gerry Freely’s car... Tucker: You wot? I was drivin’ that car! I took Gerry’s keys from the locker in the chemical plant and drove to get Lilo McGrega’s motha, try have ‘er stop his self-mutated hybrid monster from killing everyone! Arlee: That Gerry was one turncoat bastard! He was one of the first to join them aliens to make money for the chemical plant. I knew he was a bad egg. Tucker: A propa cunt. 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Earlier this week, Highsnobiety recorded its first live show of The Dropcast at adidas Originals’ store in Soho, New York City. Guests sipped on ZX cocktails as they formed an audience in the presence of hosts Jian DeLeon and Noah Thomas who discussed the past and future of the revolutionary ZX series with adidas’ NYC culture ambassador Tyler Busher. The ZX launched in 1984 as a series of progressive running shoes for performance athletes, and continues to reinvent itself with innovative technology after more than 30 years. While Tyler makes up half of The Binary Group, a synthesis company that seeks to bridge the gap between fashion, music, and design, he brings social and environmental awareness to footwear through projects like the fully recyclable adidas Futurecraft.Loop sneaker. The adidas-head gives a breakdown on the ZX series’ history and influence on sports and subcultures, his alkaline diet, and Ferrari Testarossa dreams. But before that, the episode kicks off with a quick foot check (3:22). Relevant link: https://www.adidas.com/us/zx Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Earlier this week, Highsnobiety recorded its first live show of The Dropcast at adidas Originals’ store in Soho, New York City. Guests sipped on ZX cocktails as they formed an audience in the presence of hosts Jian DeLeon and Noah Thomas who discussed the past and future of the revolutionary ZX series with adidas’ NYC culture ambassador Tyler Busher. The ZX launched in 1984 as a series of progressive running shoes for performance athletes, and continues to reinvent itself with innovative technology after more than 30 years. While Tyler makes up half of The Binary Group, a synthesis company that seeks to bridge the gap between fashion, music, and design, he brings social and environmental awareness to footwear through projects like the fully recyclable adidas Futurecraft.Loop sneaker. The adidas-head gives a breakdown on the ZX series’ history and influence on sports and subcultures, his alkaline diet, and Ferrari Testarossa dreams. But before that, the episode kicks off with a quick foot check (3:22). Relevant link: https://www.adidas.com/us/zx Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
As Baldy and Ginger look trapped upon the Savage Garden, we return to Earth and to Tucker and Arlee at 4 Hollyberry Terrace (in Ratchly)… Tucker: It’s the jerk! The jerk! It’s in the angular jerk! I fackin’ knew it too. Ah, Newton, you took your bloody time. I’d’ve got that even before me mid-mornin’ crap! (Makes tea, switches on 'The Sweeney' on tv) Arlee: Ahhh Uggggn! (Backwards) “second egg, second egg, savage second egg, follow the map of moles to the reach the second egg”... (More backwards voices)... Ah new sounds Tucker! I’ve got a new entry straight in at number two! Tucker: Wha? Look! The angular jerk Arlee! Based on my huge astronomical projection, the acceleration, or rate of change of velocity, is derived from the velocity in respect to time. That gives us the hyperbola! Yeah, of course! Acceleration can arise from a change with time of the magnitude of the velocity or of the direction of the velocity, or both! But usin’ the parallax only the magnitude, v, of the velocity decreases, but generally any change in the velocity with time, stickin’ the ‘jerk’ in, including deceleration, takes us straight to feckin’ SOUPALON! Arlee: (Voices in his head) Aghghgh! I’m doin’ me nut, why is it gettin’ louder? Tucker: If I stuck a VU metre on ya Arlee would it register 90 decibel? Arlee: How the fuck should I know? Tucker: I should put a DBF in your earhole! Then you’d know! Ooiright! I’m full of the beans tonight! Arlee: Big bald bean in a polo neck... (Doorbell rings) Jagger: (Outside) Hihihih! Howayis! It’s Jagger… Open sez me! Heeeeargh. Tucker: ♫ There’s somebody at the door! There’s somebody at the door!! There’s somebody at the door! ♫ (Unlock) Hello Jagga! Jagger: Wheeeeze! What’s goin’ on? Are youse stoned? Here, I brought Ned Busher with me, he’s got some mad shit to tell us! But watch out, he sometimes tries to mouth the words but say nathin’! Busher: Retard… Howaya Tucker. Tucker: Oooiright! More the merrier! Come in the merrymen! Arlee, pipe your sounds down, we got company. Arlee: It’s not fongin’ RTE Radio yunno! I can’t just switch the shite off! Busher: Peah, am I trippin’? What are yis all jumpin’ around for? Crazy jumpers! Polo necks and tank tops! I’m in the 70’s… Phwizzz! Maybe this was all a big stupid mistake, a trick of me mind, Mammy said there’d be days like this after all the hash. Tucker: What ya havin’ to drink Busher? Busher: Wha? Oh, eh, cola please. But lissen to ME! Tucker: Ice? Busher: Yeah whatever, b-b-but NO! NEVER! ROBBER! LIARS! MAMMAY! Settle down yis pack of woolly hippies, they’ve taken Ginger! PHWIZZZ! GONE TO THE SKIES! Tucker: You wot? Shut it Arlee, put a pillow on it! Arlee: (Pillow muffled) HEY! Is that the queerhawk Busher? Busher: Pyeah, what did that ‘Tank Top’ just say Jagger? Jagger: Wha? Tucker: Why are you here Jagga? I haven’t seen you in years mate, you’re lookin’ rough... Are you takin’ care of yourself? Jagger: I’m alright Tucks, I’m fine... You have to listen what Ned has to say... Go ahead Ned, we’re listenin’... Busher: Right... I was in me house earlier today when I was, eh, watchin’ Laura next door... Jagger: Ah here if you’re going to say nothing then I’ll tell them... Tucker: ‘Ay? What you doin’ Jagga? Busher: Mmng’ burst ya bastard!. Jagger: He’s afraid to say it and then he wants to burst me? Go on Ned take your best shot! I’ll take ya, put Jagger on the map. Tucker: Oi! Less of it! Calm the fack down and spill the beans lads! We’ve got some news to share too... Busher: MAMMAY! Jagger: Alright, listen, Busher was at home wipin’ the soapy flog in the bathroom lookin’ through a pipe at Laura next door havin’ a shower... hihihiihihih (Flashback) Busher: Oh Laura, phwizz! Why d’ya choose him? He can’t even satisfy ya! Not like I could anyway… Ginger: Meeow (jumps, scuttles away). Busher Don’t you go next door to that bastard! I know they’re feedin’ ya, turnin’ ya against me! Ginger! Ginger! Come back here! (Alarm sounds) Busher: Hah? Laura’s back already? It’s not even lunchtime. Quick Busher, bathroom! Hope she keeps the routine now. (In Bathroom) Right, peah, what to choose today; rackflap or boxflap? Phwizzz! Both! Where’s the Boys2Men CD? (Shower curtain rail flings open. Shower FX). Oh, ooh, there you are... oh lovely Laura... Ooh you make me sick, you’re so beautiful (/flashback). Jagger: Ah Ned, you are sick... Busher: Shuttup right... what’s it got t’do witcha? Jagger: See? Lost for words he is! Anyway, next thing he sez he saw Baldy, n’ Laura being- Busher: An’ my GINGER being kidnapped out the window by some hovering orb! A spaceship! Jagger: Now he speaks… Tucker: A wot? Arlee: Did you say spaceship? And Baldy? We saw a spaceship streak cross the sky through Tuckers massive Tesco telescope! Tucker: And it’s goin’ to Soupalon! I worked it out. Jagger: Yeah, Baldy and Laura, must be goin’ to Soupalon, you’re right! Busher: Pyeah! The Gabbler was right for a change, youse DID fight the aliens and now they’re back! FUCKSAKE! What am I gonna do? Tucker: Thank god you’re a pervert Ned, otherwise we may never have known. Jagger: That’s it! But we always knew Ned’s a pervert... Busher: Fuck off! Arlee: Lookin’ down the pipe eh? How much did you do that? Every day? Was it good was it? Did ya, did ya see much? Did you tape it? Busher: None of your business phwizzzz! Arlee: It is now tho’! I’ll buy ‘em off ya. Jagger: Calm down Ned. Tucker: You never believed us Busher, you, like the rest of them, you never understood... Busher: Sure how could anyone believe that bullet-belted eejit with the big tooth? He’s off with the revolting stories and Laura’s leathery bits! Tucker: Sit down Busher... Arlee: Mind me DJ bag. Busher: Peah! Youse are always sittin’ me down for the next bit in the story! Tell me standin’ up for a change will ya! Tucker: This may come as a big shock Ned... Jagger: Do you want me to tell him Tucks? Tucker: What do you think I’m doin’? Arlee: Hold yer fire Jagger, Tucker’ll say it... Busher: Hah? Say what? This is worse than the X-Factor. Tucker: Baldy formed the resistance for a reason. Arlee: Coz he was the first who saw the aliens, he was the first to be suspicious. Jagger: And do you want to know why he was the first to notice? Busher: Wrong place, wrong time n’ fell into it, knowin’ that gobshite! Tucker: No mate, he was chosen... Baldy was meant to be revolting. He was meant to find the hermit Bop hiding in the Ballygannorn Woods- Jagger: Ah Bop, yeah, he was fierce funny... like that fella in, eh, yunno the film with the Star Wars lads in it? The one in space... with Han Solo n’ all... Arlee: Star Wars? Jagger: Hah? Tucker: Bop was a Soupalon put here to seek information on Earth and Ratchly was selected. Jagger: The legend of the seekers... Busher: Yeah, yeah I know all this, Gabbler already told me, but I want to know what we are going to do about it. Tucker: Busha, you ever heard of ‘Eugenics’? Busher: Who’s he? Arlee: No ya fool, Eugenics is the controlling of human reproduction in order to reduce the number of those that society see as inferior... Jagger: Yeah, to create a ‘master race’ with the best genetic characteristics... Huargh! Sick fucks. Busher: But what does this have to do with Baldy Kendall? Tucker: Baldy Kendall, my dear Busher, brought the Soupalon invasion to its knees in the battle with Holtus at the Ratchly Chemical Factory. It was only natural that he be chosen, as the most revolting human, to initiate their Eugenics project here on Earth... He was perfect... Busher: Perfect for what? You’re talkin’ shite! Sure how is that possible? He’s fuckin’ stupid! Arlee: No, he’s the one alright... Chosen to replace the doomed ‘Insemination’ project of ‘99. He’s the key to it all. They knew there would be a specimen to put up the strongest fight, and love him or hate him; it was Baldy. Busher: But it’s been 12 years! Nothing has happened, why now sure? Why kidnap Baldy if he’s workin’ for them? Unless he’s a fuckin’ spy for them bastards and it was all a big show to take Laura and my GINGER! Why do they want my Ginger? Jagger: Ah Ned, he’s not a spy, he’s not workin’ for them. Tucker: Baldy’s the key to the end of the world. And he only knew about it recently. But it was a long time coming mate, they’ve planned it all. Busher: What ya sayin’? Why recently, why long? An’ who put that loser in charge of the planet? I thought that was only for the black lads. What do yis mean? Speak English will ya! Tucker: He’s the first one Busher! Baldy is the first one in the Eugenics project, don’t you get it? The Alpha... The seed... The numero uno! Jagger: Come on Ned, cop on... Busher: Yis are talkin’ riddles! If you’re sayin’ them aliens are controlling human reproduction with the strongest seed, sure how could they start that with Baldy? He couldn’t even get his hole with his girlfriend and I know for a FACT he’s never been at Laura, his ‘so-called’ wife! How can he ‘reproduct’? FACT! AND he’s as thick as two short planks! FACT! Sure looka, if he’s not workin’ for them then the only way that Baldy could even start to spawn some super-intelligent race of aliens for them, was if he was... was... if he was, uuuh PYEAH! I feel sick… Jagger: That’s it Ned, hihihih, the penny’s dropped. Wheeeze! Busher: You... are-fuckin’-jokin’ me… Arlee: It’s true... Busher: Seriously, all messin’ aside, peah, look me straight in the eyes and tell me that- Arlee: Yep, Busher: No! Tucker: Yep... Baldy is PREGNANT. Busher: Peah! Youse are some twisted fucks! That makes no sense! Arlee: That shook ya... hah? Jagger: He’s the daddy alright Ned. Busher: Did somebody spike my cola? Baldy’s pregnant, we’re all going to die. Tucker: These are the FACTS Busher, only the FACTS. FACT; Baldy’s pregnant… It’s him, the pipefish and the Seahorse now as nature’s male mothas. God knows if he will ever pop one out of him and how he does it is beyond me, but FACT; They’ve kidnapped him now and it’s something to do with the pregnancy. FACT; A pregnant human male will be quite useful for them Soupalons to try engineer another invasion and FACT; Whatever it is, it’s gonna start soon and we gotta stop it. Jagger: No lyin’, that’s the truth, wanna spark up? Arlee: Go on then Jagger... I’m on for it. Busher: Peah! And why are you wearin’ a stripy tank top? It’s annoyin’ me. So last decade! Arlee: Better than your blue v-neck jumper anyway Busher. Busher: This is too much… I need to sit down... 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong in a small village in east Ireland named 'Ratchly', Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Understanding what it means to be a “real man” in todays world.Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/starttalking)
Understanding what it means to be a “real man” in todays world.Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/starttalking)
Brindle: There… is your answer, a brief stop off on our way back to your impending sacrifice to the Soupalon High Council. They will marvel and be not a little taken aback at how you pathetically embody human resistance to our world. And as for you pointing out my predecessors; Holtus was a vain creature. And Dickus? Well the absconding Dickus will soon be joining you, as soon as we take a moment here on the 'Savage Garden'. Baldy: 'Savage Garden' eh? Yis’ll be under the fertile earth by sundown, ya sneery bastard. Brindle: Such sharp ignorance you let slip through your yellow teeth. Here we are now. You will get to see our more experimental designs upon ‘your’ planet... Baldy: Get yer paws off me ya tool! (Door hatch opens). Brindle: Ah Tonus… Tonus: HENDRIX! Mmmnnng… Grab it grab it. WOOO! Baldy: What’s wrong witcha ya Soupalon freak? Brindle: Tonus! Behave. Tonus: Grab it grab it! Brindle: He was never fully perverted to your planet’s form of speech patterns- Baldy: Not like you then eh? Say your voice’d be a hit with our women, just like Holtus was with my ex-girlfriend, Hazel. Then you’d get the crusty lizard out and some creamy flanger would fry yis alive! Tonus: Arghgghhghhgh!!!! Grab the groin, grab the groin! Overlord Brindle, you have brought HIM! The LAD! The MAN!! His LAD! HENDRIX! He who shall lead us into the illumination! He is the one! Of all places, HENDRIX! GRAB IT! GRAB IT! To the Savage Garden, with me, Tonus! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! FOR THE WICK IN IT! Wooo! Baldy: Hah? Brindle: Tonus, explain yourself. Ginger the Cat: Reeeor… Tonus: OOOOW! And the little furry monshtar! Haha! The little furry monshtar with the four legs. Look at him. Oooh lovely. GRAB IT GRAB IT GRAB IT! Allow me to show you Overlord... MNNNNGGG! FOR THE WICK IN IT! Ah, here, ah here, ah here, ah here, no... in a minute... in a minute, there in a minute... I’m puttin’ the make-up on... right here, yeah, ok now you can look! LOOKA! Looka! Look will ya?! Brindle: Tonus, please stop rubbing and pushing... it’s most unwelcome. Tonus: Ooooh… Ooh, oooh, oooh, ohh, oooh… Baldy: He’s going to shoot the load n’ kill us all. Ginger the Cat: Rerrowww! Tonus: HERE! Look here! Look here! Behold, three two one... mmmnnng, the ‘Yellow Tooth CODE’! The Yellow Tooth Code! Seeee? Touch-dowen! Baldy: A scrawny picture of some lad with some squiggly writing. Brindle: It’s our most ancient text, Baldy. Tonus: And HE is in IT! THERE! With the furry monshtar beside him looka lovely, furry monshtar, the RED BEAST, here! Look, the starchild to the right! It’s him Overlord, HIM! HENDRIX! Baldy: He’s not right in the head that lad, is he? Brindle: Sickness had marked him for one of its own. Tonus, put back that no doubt valuable copy of the ‘Yellow Tooth Code’ and stop with this nonsense. I can credit this human as being the most revolting in history but attributing him the status of the Leader of the Illumination is going far beyond stupification... Tonus: But look at the big Yellow Tooth! No other in the cosmos like it! GRAB IT GRAB IT GRAB IT! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! GO FOR THE WICK IN IT! Guinness please... Baldy: What’s wrong with me tooth? Brindle: LIE DOWEN Tonus, LIE DOWEN before I PUT YOU DOWEN! Tonus: (Screams and runs away...) HE is HERE, HE is HERE! Woooo! Brindle: Sorry Baldy... Baldy: Fuck off. Narrator: Meanwhile, in the Ballygannorn Woods… Dickus: Catch it Spikus, catch it! Spikus: It’s too fast! Dickus: Shuttup Spikus will ya, I have to set it! I can’t set it if you don’t catch it! She’s the bait! (Cat screeches) Spikus: I’m cold Dickus: Grow more hair then! Spikus: I’m hungry- Dickus: Will you leave me alone ya beggar! I’m tryin’ to get us lunch. It’s not easy with you there hopin’ around grabbin’ your groin. Come on fuss fuss... come on... AHHH! Gotcha! (Cat snared). Spikus: I don’t like this food. Dickus: That’s coz you eat your beard at the same time. Here we are. (Strangles cat). Spikus: Diiiickus... Dickus: Comes out same way as it goes in dunnit? Dog, cat, bird, rat, it’s all energy to keep you goin’ an’ not cakkin’ on like some old craw. Save it! Stoke up the fire, goo’lad, I’ll skin the dinner. Spikus: Diiiickus... Dickus: Spikus! If Bop could hide out in these Ballygannorn woods forever, then we can survive long enough to get what we need to get the fuck out of here! Spikus: Those words are, hhhh, bad. Dickus: I know. That’s why I like ‘em. Them words and the old trouserses are great, but that’s about it for this wretched place. Imagine them humans wanting all the time to believe in another outer-world sentient life-form? Did it ever cross there pathetic little minds that we wouldn’t want to go near these ungrateful bastards in the first place?! Spikus: Unless we’re sent or get lost... Dickus: Spikus, we’ll be out of here soon ok. Flush the negativity! Spikus: Then what? Face death for dissertion from the Soupalon High Council? Dickus: I said leave it to me will ya. Go get sticks. We need more fire. Far t’much greasy air in this place. And here, try not to stab yourself again. Spikus: We’re going to die, either here from the rotten food, rotten atmosphere, h-h-h-h, or from the hand of whomever The Boghead sends to get us. We’re going to die like Bop, ripped apart by a big hybrid mutant- Dickus: Doom doom doom! That’s all I hear. I’m surprised you’re still as stupid as you were before! Spikus: Not funny Dickus, right? Dickus: Spikus, stop the yakkin’, it does us no good. Bop was not Dickus, and Dickus is not Bop... y’understand my lopsided hairy loon? Spikus: The Boghead, remember, our master, sent Bop here to Earth to collect information. He never came back! We were sent by The Boghead to find. H-h-h-h, Bop as our invasion was to begin, he was a liability, YOU said it would be “no problem”... Dickus: It WAS no problem! Spikus: Then he escaped, we crashed, and Bop helped the humans form a resistance! Dickus: That WAS a problem. I admit that now, yep. Spikus: We’re so dead. Dickus: I can kill you quicker now if you like! Gettin’ on me nerves Spikus, gettin’ on ‘em. Haven’t we got the bones of the shoupshuttle here? All we need is a few more bits n’ bobs from that dump of human scrap down the hillock there and we’ll be away! Spikus: You better be right Dickus. I can’t take anymore of this place, it does my head in. Dickus: I’m with you there Spikus, I think the Soupalon High Council did wrong in forming life on this planet. Soupalons like Bop and Holtus in charge, sure what do you expect? Couldn’t even “dispirit the humans into unquestioning servitude,” Waste of space... Spikus: How long did you say we’ve been here now? Dickus: About as long as the blackened hooks on the end of your feet Spikus. Come on, more traps to set. Catch that stankin’ meat! Catch it! Narrator: Meanwhile, up the mass path near Toomey’s Brook, a forestry worker waits… and waits… Jagger: Yeah, yeah, come on, you can do it, yeah... concentrate, concentrate, think of the flowin’ rivers... Go on... Ah n-no no, not Mrs Bruno, get out, I don’t want you, your husband’s a police officer... Stop touching me... Ah... I can’t do it! Heee, I can’t do it! Go on, you know you want to... but what about the pissin’? Ah leave it for now, come back later, fresher, ready to go, ok you’re right, just the one then... hihihihih... (Sparks up a doobie). Busher: (Bangs door!) Open up Jagger! Jagger! ... ... (silence)... I can see you Jagger for fucksake! (Bangs door) Stop hidin’ behind the curtains and open this door! Phwizzzzz! Jagger: Ah howaya Ned, I didn’t know it was you, I swear, I thought it was the pigs... or Mrs Bruno wantin’ the fat arse rode off her... Busher: What are ya shitin’ about? Just let me in, I have to talk to ya!!! Jagger: Wha? What ya say? Busher: Open the door Jagger!!! It’s BUSHER! BUSH-ER yeah? Jagger: Ah sorry Ned, I didn’t know it was you... hang on... Busher: (Whispers) Fuckin’ stupid hippy.... pyeah... (extended silence)... JAGGER! I’m still here yunno! I haven’t gone away, now fuckin’ open it! Jagger: Wha? Busher: For the love of United, open the bloody DOWAR! Jagger: Ah yeah, alright Ned, calm down, it’s alright, come in... moy castle is yeah, yo-yours... n’ all.. Busher: What are ya doin’? Jagger: Wha? Busher: I said what are ya doin’? What are ya doin’? Lissen to me! Jagger: Ned, I can hear ya, don’t have to repeat yourself, do you want to roll a joint? I’ve started on a fat one. Busher: Jagger! No! No rollin’! No! The aliens are back and they’ve taken Ginger! Ginger’s gone! Jagger: Wha? Busher: Yes, she’s gone! TAKEN! ROBBED! BASTARDS! Jagger: Who’s been robbed Ned? Your mother? Busher: What did I just tell you ya sheepskin cunt?! Ginger me cat! And they took Laura too, and the gobshite Baldy... I saw the Gabbler about it and he told me to see you.., god knows fuckin’ why tho’... Jagger: Your lips move… but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’ Ned, are ya tryin’ to freak me out? You tryin’ to get in my head? Busher: Stoppa! JAGGER! Lissen! I-know-you-are-a-fuck-head... but-this IS SERIOUS! HELLO? Jagger: Stop shoutin’ Ned will ya, I’m not deaf! What’s so ‘serious’? Busher: ALIENS! Aliens I told ya! THEM! Them Soupalon bastards have kidnapped Ginger, Laura and the Baldy idiot... Jagger: You’re at it again Ned, stop it, you’re not gettin’ in... say it, just say it, I’m ready for the truth, but first you have to let me hear it... Busher: PHWIZZZZ! MAMMAAAY! JAGGER! I’ll burst you now in a minute! PYEAH! LISSEN! Aliens...taken...Baldy...Laura...Ginger... went to GABBLER... Soupalons... are...BACK...come...here...see...the... retard... for... answers! Jagger: Calm down Ned, did you say ‘Aliens’, Soupalons are back? Baldy? Taken? Fuck me Ned, that’s serious... why didn’t you tell me? Busher: Ahhhhh... cunt! Jagger: Cunts is right! You don’t want to mess with those lads, but we have to do somethin’! Yeah, we need to go to the Tucker! Busher: Pyeah! That’s it, now you’re talkin’. Where does he live? Jagger: Right, yeah, do you want to know where he lives? I can bring you there... Busher: What’s wrong with you Jagger? Jagger: Wha? Busher: You are one dozy fuck... Take-me-to-Tucker. Jagger: Why you actin’ like that Ned? I said I would! Don’t fuck around Busher... I can see you. I know you Busher... it’s written all over your face... Busher: Shut up mad lad and take me to Tucker! Jagger: Yeah, speechless now Ned aren’t ya, no words now... (excited) I’m in your head... can you handle it? Are you ready for it Busher... I don’t think you arrrrrrrrrrrrrre... (Time slows down). Busher: Yaaaaaa fuuuuucccchhhhhinnnnn’ bbbbbooooolllloooooccchhhhsss. Why I am I standing here talkin’ to a freakshow dressed in a sheepskin coat and big beige UGG boots! PEAH! Jagger: Woaw. Did you feel that Ned? The whole place went mad. Busher: Pyeaah! Your face warped, that was ff-f-fucked up! What’s goin’ on? TELL ME! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME JAGGER! Did you drug the fuckin’ air or wha? Jagger: It’s alright Ned, say somethin’, get it out... I’m here for ya... Busher: Am I going insane? Jagger: Ned, I have to play you some of me new music, it fuckin’ rocks, I was workin’ on it all last night and today, you’re the first one to hear it, you get the premiere! Here, right, are ya sittin’ down? Busher: Ah no! Every time. Every time I’m fuckin’ here… Jagger: Oh yeah! It’s called Beneath the Clouds of Venus... (click play). Busher: We have to go! JAGGER! Stop with that shite. Stoned eejit. We have to go to Tucker’s! Tucker’s!!! Listen to me! Jagger: What do you think Ned? Busher: Mmgg... Yeah, it’s fuckin’ brilliant! Let’s go see Tucker! Jagger: You think so? Thanks, but yeah, you’re right Ned... yeah, see Tucker, tell him the news. Come on, what are we waiting for? Busher: Oh Ginger... dear sweet beautiful Ginger... I hope I find you... 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Understanding what it means to be a “real man” in todays world.Farmly Canine Buzzsprout - Let's get your podcast launched! Start for FREESupport the show (https://www.patreon.com/starttalking)
You beautiful mutants. This is for you. Cave bestiam! A sci-fi wretch. The first 20 minutes of the story of ‘Busher’, of ‘Laura’, ‘Baldy’ and of ‘Ginger the Cat’. A story of outcasts who outlast, of losers who lead, of cretins who create. This is not Sparta, this is Star Trek gone awry. Possibly better than Blake's 7, it's the United Mutations… Busher: Get out of me way! I don’t CARE! Say nartin’ to me or I’ll burst ya, Where is he... 24, 26, 28... Come on come on... Pyeah! Woolly Pierce: Nedward! You’re late for work- Busher: What do you want Woolly Pierce? Woolly Pierce: Did you just spit on the street? Busher: Leavew me alone right?! Woolly Pierce: Stop that! Busher: I won’t! Make me sure! Fuck off right! What’s it got to do witcha anyway hah? Woolly Pierce: BUSHER! Busher: Stick your job! Leave me ‘lone, right?! Ah HERE, 30 Main Street! This is it. (Thumps fists on door)... Gabbler! Open up! Pierce: You’re nothing Busher! You’re a loser! A fool! How dare you speak to me like that, I’m a respected member of Macra Na- Busher: Gabbler! Gabbler: Is… is that you?? What do ya want? I can see you through the hole!! Has me Millenium Falcon arrived? Are you the postman? Busher: Open up! FUCK YOU! Gabbler: Fuck you too! You’re not Postman Declan! Busher: Not you, him! Pierce: Nedward! You’re fired! I’ll report you to Garda Gilbert. Busher: ROBBER! USER! Open up Gabbler, I have to see ya! Pierce: Shocking standard, you know something Busher- Gabbler: Busher? Busher: Come on Gabbler will ya, it’s important! It’s about the aliens! Gabbler: Aliens? What do YOU know about aliens? Busher: Too fuckin’ much, peah, now open the door! Fuck off Woolly Pierce! Gabbler: Alright... you better be who you say you are... (Click) Argghhh! (Busher bursts in). Busher: Close the door, lock it! Doors. Windows. What the fuck is all this Lego doin’ here? Gabbler: I collect it. Now, calm down ya felcher, calm down, stay still. Busher: They took Ginger!! GINGER! MAMMY! TAE! PATRICK! PEAH! WOOLLY JUMPERS! SPEND! MAEN! MISERABLE! VICTOR! Gabbler: Stop it Busher, stop it! Busher: GINGER! Gabbler, GINGER!!! Phwizzz! Into the skies! A flyin’ bucket! Phwizz! GONE! MAMMY!!! SWEETS! LAURA! Gabbler: Shut up! Shut up! Busher: GONE! GONE! FLY! CHARTS! SWEETS! SPEND! SINGLES! EMMA-CAROLINE-CATHLEEN-LAURA FWIZZZZZZZZZZ!!! Gabbler: Ahhhhhhh!!!!! (Suddenly, everything speeds up, Busher’s voice, clocks spin, lights buzz) Gabbler: STOOOOP! Busher: What happened? Ah, me head. Can’t see. Gabbler: Holey Moley... Busher: It’s dark. B-b-ut, I just came here at 1pm. It’s night time... It’s night time? Gabbler? What’s goin’ on? Gabbler: I-I don’t know... I don’t know Busher, it’s it’s... time flies hihih?? Busher: Pyeah Gabbler, tell me about the resistance. Gabbler: What resistance? Busher: The ‘resistance’ to fight the aliens twelve years ago when they took over the town with a big plastic bowl TELL ME! Gabbler: Why Busher, why? Why do you want to know? Why are you all sweaty n’ half dressed? Busher: Because they’re back! Gabbler: Back? Who’s back? Busher: Them! The fuckin’ bastards who took Ginger! Lissen to me! Gabbler: Who’s Ginger? You’re not making any sense! Busher: They, them, THEY took Laura and Baldy too! In a spaceship! Come down, peah, took ‘em out of the bathroom window and flew off into the skies, that’s who them are pyeah, will ya lissen to me ya fuckin’ idiot! Gabbler: Say that again? Who did you just say? Busher: Baldy! They took Baldy and Laura and my Ginger in their ship! An hour ago, lunchtime, earlier, before, what fuckin’ time is it anyway? Gabbler: I-I-, You, you saw this Busher? Busher: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! Saw it ALL! Everything! They were kidnapped!(Flashback to Soupalon abduction of Laura, Baldy and Busher’s cat Ginger) Maltus Brindle: Yes! Good news for ‘Earth Lovers’, Soupalon saves! All aboard! Come on now Baldy. Busher: It’s a-it’s a- hah? Hah? ALIENS? Abduction! Maulder! Picard! RYKER! RED ALERT! Abducting Laura and the other gobshite! Ginger The Cat: Reeeor! Busher: AND GINGER! Ginger no! Wait! Hey stoppit! Yis can’t! Patrick! Mammy! No! Help! Help! Ginger! He’s... They’re takin’ ‘em! In a flying bucket! Aaahh! Trousers... ankles... GINGER! MAMMY! (/Flashback) Gabbler: (Calmly) Holy Pat Moley... Sit down Busher. Busher: Wha? Gabbler: Sit down Busher! This is serious. Busher: Wha? Whaaa… Gabbler: Sit down. I have much to tell you. Busher: Fwizzzzz.... Gabbler: If this is right what you say... Busher: It fuckin’ is too, peah! Gabbler: Then they’re back. They, Busher, are the SOUPALONS, a race of aliens from the Scutum constellation some 5 light years behind Sirius. They came on a ‘Clinkership’, to harvest humans for their own uses. They came here twelve years ago an’ it was Baldy Kendall who discovered the truth as his girlfriend at the time; Hazel was found off diddlin’ a new factory worker on the sly, so Baldy followed him to the factory… (Flashback) Baldy: Right then Gerry, you’re time is up… (/Flashback) Gabbler: an’ an’ an’ saw a spaceship, an’ an’ local factory foreman Gerry Frehley with them! (Flashback) Baldy: He wasn’t dumping something, it was worse! He was waitin’ for somethin’, and that somethin’ was a big fuckin’ alien spaceship! I’m not jokin’ lads… (/Flashback) Gabbler: The workers were drones sent to plant seed in the local girls Busher! Busher: Shite! Gabbler: No messin’. So Baldy formed a resistance, in Dessie Morgan’s Pub... (Flashback) Baldy: Can’t just stand by and let our world be taken over for whatever purposes… (/Flashback) Gabbler: With Jagger and Mauldy Jordan, Tucker Wilson, Arlee ‘the DJ’ Davidson and big Miley too... Busher: Fuckin’ losers the lot of ‘em, but Miley was good for the hash tho’. Gabbler: The breakthrough happened when Laura found the key to the alien weakness. Vaginal cream! She unwittingly had sex with one of the drones- Busher: Phwizzzz! Lovely Laura saves the day! AHAWW AHAWW! Gabbler: -in their attempt to inseminate her, they got cremated on the spot by her hot flanger! Hihihihih. (Flashback) (Drone worker exploding) Mauldy: Sick! He exploded! (/flashback) Gabbler: ...so armed with the creams from Tierney’s Pharmacy they joined up with Norman Tash, local teacher and sports trainer... Busher: I hated him. Never gave me any support in the team... ‘Bring the gear Wednesday, we’re playin’ Annamoe’. No Tash, I won’t! Peah! He always tried to spin me round in the showers and slip it ferociously between the cheeks of me arse. Gabbler: He did not! Busher: He fuckin’ did; ‘Busher’! He said… ‘Busher! Always keep your hole clear! A clean hole is the way to goal! Clear it with the finger boy! Clear it! Futchafutcha’! He was always at me! Gabbler: Well he never touched me. Busher: Count yourself lucky so, Gabbler: What’s wrong with me? Busher: Hah?- Maybe he just didn’t like you Gabbler! Gabbler: Am I ugly or somethin’? Is my arse not as good as everyone else’s? Busher: That’s coz the shit comes out of your MOUTH most of the time. AHAAW HAAWW! Gabbler: Anyway! Sort of gone off the topic right? So, as I was sayin’ the resistance had the secret weapon; ‘vaginal cream’. But the aliens too had a new weapon, a local tool called Lilo McGregor.... Busher: Lilo McGregor!? Sure he was my next door neighbour. He was some dose of shite... big freckly head and the foghorn voice! No wonder he disappeared around that time. Peah. I thought he just went off to find himself, as he was some lost cunt in those days. Gabbler: Sure they abducted him! Used their technology and created a metal motormouth from him... You could hear his boom for acres and acres. Shockin’! So to fight this right, the new wave resistance teamed up with Baldy’s new mentor ‘Bop’. Busher: Mmm Bop? Now who was he? Gabbler: He was a hermit out of Ballygannorn Woods. Some say he was the first of their lot here to examine us... He must’ve changed sides halfway through tho’, gone over to the other team like... saw the lure of what was really right and true and the right thing to do at the time... I don’t know tho’... Busher: Traitor! User! Turncoat! Liar! Fwizzzz! Hate them all! Gabbler: But Busher, he helped the resistance train up to fight the aliens! Busher: Don’t care! Don’t cayor! Gabbler: Then right, then in the Ratchly Chemical Factory, there was a big venture to a clearing and they bate shite out of each other until the aliens left. Busher: Horray! Pyeaaah! Great charts! Gabbler: But there were casualties... Mauldy was dead... Lilo McGregor, his mother Etna- Busher: Bitch... Gabbler: all destroyed... Busher: Good enough for them. But, but, how did you find all this out, were YOU part of the resistance? Gabbler: Sorry Busher, a journalist never gives out his sources. Busher: But you’re not a journalist, you’re an unemployed conspiracy theorist! How are you able to write all about this stuff n’ know all the details? And how can you still afford Star Wars Lego? Gabbler: That’s not important Busher! Your information means that the aliens are back and they are planning something... Busher: What tho’ what?! Gabbler: What indeed... You have to go see Tucker, Arlee or Jagger, they still survive, I hope. Maybe these Soupalons are looking for them... you’d better be quick! Busher: I don’t care who tells me what or if any of this is even true, and I’m having one mother of a trip right now but, I need to get Ginger back! I LOVE HER! SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND! Gabbler, tell me, where do they live? Gabbler: Jagger lives up the Mass Path near Toomy’s Brook, past Spruce Way... And don’t forget to say that I sent yis! (Door opens). Good Luck! Busher: Pyeah fucksake... (Door Closes). Fucksake… Gabbler: (Click, rewind FX... play part of Busher’s speech, click stop.) This is it Gabbler! This is it! This is the big supa SCOOP! 12 years on from 'first contact' gone wrong, Baldy Kendall has been snatched by the Soupalon race. Baldy’s neighbour Busher sees his own cat Ginger climb aboard the departing alien orb. Busher hates Baldy but loves Ginger. He will find her! This is a quest for Ginger the Cat. It will take Busher then Arlee, Tucker and Jagger out of their world and to the ‘Savage Garden’ of the Soupalon race. United Mutations is a 4-hour sci-fi podcast series by Amplevoicepod divvied up into 12 storming sections for your delectation. If you like podcast stories with atmosphere, panic and stupidity, served in high resolution audio, where you can immerse yourself into another world (and who wouldn't these days hmm?) you may just get this. A prime feast of a podcast. Not quite Ulysses 31 but just as awesome.
Understanding what it means to be a “real man” in todays world.
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George: Dick is trampled underfoot as the Bunsens and Busher tie him down to await his stinkin’ fate. But Busher has seen something familiar in Dick. What is it? Tell us Busher! Busher: Back to those gorgeous feet now. Which pair will I pick? Mmm Bourney. So smooth, so milky white. Ace: You said something there Busher. You said you know Dick. Busher: I know nartin’ right! Ace: I heard you, you said you knew him. How do you know him? Busher: Not tellin’ ya right?! Bunsen: Busher? Ace: Tell us, go on, you know Dick! Floyd: Tell us. Dick: Who knows who? Hah? Busher: Ah, can’t lie like the LIARS! Yeah, ok, I know your Dick. I know your Dick well. I used to go to UCLS. He was my friend, peah, he was the only one that gave me the time of day, peah. When I was growing up one of the most famous bands of the time was A-ha. I used to dress like their lead singer Morten Harket. Clare: Mm? Mmm? Mmnng? Ace: Yes, I’ve heard of them, I’ve seen a parody of their “Take On Me” video on an episode of “Family Guy.” Feel good tune. Busher: Yeah, I loved it. Peeyeah! B-but when I used to come to school in my leather laces, torn denim, & quiffed hair, the others used to bully me. Call me a queer! Say I wore a nappy! Ace: To keep your Mammy happy? Busher: WHA? Ace: Ooow my little piggy toe. Oh, no sorry dude, just the ad, reciting the ad. It popped into my brain. But-but Dick, how did he help you? Busher: Dick befriended me. Helped me, peh, he was the only one who gave me the time of day. He told me not to listen to the other lads and just be myself, in the end that’s what gets you real respect. Nobody knows the real Busher! Only Dick understood me Bourney. After school I used to help him clean up the boys shower block. He invited me into his world and he made me feel as if I was wanted, for the very first time. I found out from here, where all the spy holes into the changing room were. Sometimes we’d look through them after PE and laugh at them. Ace: What the hell happened then? Why are you here? Busher: I left school early, and got a job as an assistant at the morgue. Bunsen befriended me and eventually trapped me here in this house. I got away. But I just had to go back. I loved it. I loved havin’ my feet loved. I can’t describe it Bourney, it was the best and the worst feeling I ever had. Bunsen: Shuttup Busher! Shut up Busher! Ace: Dick was your friend, he’s our friend too! Look what they are doing to him; you know it’s not right. Get out of here, change your life. Maybe Dick could get you a job at the school, I know he would help you, he’s, he’s a good man. Maybe we could be your friends too. Except Bubbles… You don’t want to be his friend. Busher: Jeezus Bourney, your right! Fuck! I’ve been in a fog the last fifteen years! Fuck! I’m thirty five years of age I need to wake up and cop on! Concobhar: Mmm, Dick’s feet are ripe. Never have I smelt such a well-aged cheddar. My tongue could spend ages cleaning underneath those talons. And the curvature, so, so twisted and bumpy! Obviously the result of many years of wearing ill-fittin’ shoes I’d say, hohohohhh… Dick: Ge-huh, get off me you sick depraved fuckers. I’ll ram me big toe up your nostril. You sickos took that poor Busher kid, he was the like the best son I never had. Busher: Peagh! Say nothin’ Bourney, keep it a secret! I’m going to untie you. Busher’s copped on now. Ace: Okay, distract the brothers Grimm & I’ll untie the others. Concobhar: Corns, callouses, bunions. Hard cracked skin. Aw, tong thick hairs. Dick’s feet have obviously led a hard working life and have been seriously neglected. Aw beautiful! Those feet speak to us of a life of hardship. Ahkshshs! I-I want to cry… I want to cry Mammy, I want to cry. Dick: Curse of the seven fucks be on yis! Stop your inhuman torture of me feets’s. Bunsen: Busher! Busher: Bunsen, pass me one of the hospital hack saws! Bunsen: You want to take a prize souvenir? But he is not a lifeless corpse on a slab Busher. Busher: I know this one, he did me wrong. PASS ME THE SAW! Peah! Dick: Young Busher? Soft lad! Is that you? Why are you back here? I thought you escaped. ‘Ere, wh-what are you doing with the saw? Jeezus lad! NO! Concobhar: Hee-hee-hee, Bunsen: Yes, yes Busher, you. You are the one who has it in you. Finally, the new Cornelius! Clare: Mm! Mmmng! Dick: Aaargh ha ha! Goodbye Bibi Baskin, I would give anything to love you one last time in the shed…. Bunsen: Take the blade to his ankle, cut the flesh. Floyd: Er, look, look who just got free. Ace: (Whistle) Concobhar: Silas! Brudder! They’re all fuckin’ standing there untied and united. What we do Silas? Bunsen: Run. Busher: Peeagh, you’re not getting past me and this little saw. How about I take away YOUR toes! Ace: Go Morten Busher! The SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV! Floyd: Okay Wubba, you hit ‘em high and I’ll hit ‘em low. Wubba: I’ll give him a wight hook and he’ll be weeling around the floor cwyin’ faw his Mammy. Brian: Yeah & then you can tag me & I’ll drop a clothes line on him. Floyd: Hasn’t He-Man started or something? Brian: Floyd! Floyd! He-Man is in here! I AM HE-MAN! Sinead: We’re in here! We’re in here! Claire! Concobhar: No stop. Get your hands off us, we’re so sorry! Ah me bad head. We’ll let you go if you don’t hurt us. Please, sure yis’s, we have done nothing and anything wrong. Bunsen: And… so… it ends. Ace: Clare, get your sister outside, we’ll-ow! Ah! Ooh! Mmm! Sinead: Oh, hi Ace, thank god! What’s wrong? Ace: I stepped on a thumb tack. Brian: (Singing He-man tune) De-de-de-dee… I’ll take yis all! Floyd: Throw me some rope Ace dude, let’s tie up this Conkeybar. He’s a strong fucker. Dick: Thank Jaysus Busher I thought you were gonna chop me foot off. Busher: That’s not me anymore Dick, I’ve changed. Ace: Fuck this I’m putting me trainers back on. Wubba: Nnnagh, thawts Bunsen tied up good awnd tight. What now Fwoyd, how ah we gonna get out of heya? Busher: They have a digger outside outside, Bunsen was doin’ a bit of work. Bunsen: Hey! Busher! Busher! Y’d betray a dog Busher! Burney! Burney! I love you Burney! I only wanted your feet! It’s not a crime! I need yooooo!! Concobhar: Ah shuttup Silas, we’s done with it. CSI Ritchie’ll give us what fuckin’ for now hah? Floyd: Cool the keys are in it. Brian: Well seein’ as I’m the only one here with a license I’ll drive. Ace: Yeah as if the law is going to be interested in a license, when you’re driving a digger with eight people hanging out of it in the woods in the middle of the night. Brian: Fuck off Ace. At least I drove something in recent history. Floyd: He-hee! Yeah, like Sinead! All Ace has been doin’ is drivin’ the pillow looking at Lois Lane or something. Wubba: Go on Bubbles give her the holly. (Bubbles fires up the digger) Brian: Woo hoo! Ace: Yeah woo hoo, we’re goin’ 10 miles an hour. Oh well I suppose it’s still faster than Bubbles’s Vespa. Sinead: Boys, boys, boys I do believe the smell of testosterone has become more overpowering than the smell of Wubba’s feet. Dick: What shade of a gobshite put’s a furry dice on a JCB? Clare: Okay guys according to the GPS if we follow the road up here to the left it should bring us out on the N12 where the coach is. Brian: Aw, yeah! Me GPS! That GPS is fierce handy. It’s lucky I brought it. Ace: You’re a regular boy-scout man. Floyd: This is going to take forever. Is everyone OK back there? Hang on tight we don’t want to lose anyone. Clare: I’m freezing. Floyd: How about I warm you up Ice Queen? Clare: Just give me my glasses back. Wubba: Fwoyd your such a dawg! Clare: Don’t forget I’ve seen those feet of yours so if there was ever a chance before, there ain’t now. Floyd: Hey babe. I always leave my socks on anyway. Brian: Wooah, hang on we’re going down a bit of a hill guys. Wubba: Look there’s the woad! (Meanwhile on the road at the coach) Keith: This has truly been a Diem Horribilis. I fear I shall be kept awake for many years to come haunted by these events. Tash: We must never breathe a word, of what really happened, to anyone. Keith: I don’t believe it Norman. I see headlights coming towards us, it’s a, it’s a police car! We’re saved! Tash: Oh thank the lord. Garda: Is everything alright gentlemen? Can you tell me why you have your coach parked in the middle of the road? Garda Radio: (Roger that, Bunsen residence. CSI Ritchie is on the way up) Keith: Thank god it’s you officer. We were on a school trip & we broke down… Garda: One moment. Garda Radio: (Will it be A Double Bacon Cheese Burger with Fries Ritchie?) Garda: What’s that noise? Garda Radio: (Ritchie, come in Ritchie?) Tash: Lights Professor Keith, look! Coming from the trees. Keith: What is that? Garda Radio: (Answer the fuckin’ radio Ritchie you’re not in Bosnia now!) UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.
George: With childish abandon and druggery, the trio spring to their feet and head forth. But to where? And how will they know when they get there? Ah, nevermind. You see dear listener it’s high time we dive in with both feet… Back! Back into Bunsenland; Ace: (Groggy). Bunsen: I’ll burst you Busher if you don’t shut up. This is my house. Now back to business… hello Bourney, sorry about that now, where was I… Ace: Eh, yeah, it’s it’s still Ace and maybe if you want to include me in your strategic staircase there, then we could help frame the conversation? Busher: Sh’up. You’re talkin’ shite! Bunsen: Bushooor! Rooooll the socks over the ankles… Ace: (struggling)… hey! Hey! Listen, listen, all I’m saying is that my door is in fact open to your issues. And you, Busher is it? Busher: Hah? Ace: Yeah, heh, strange question I know but, ooh that, that tickles! … what, eh, what happened to your feet? Busher: Stop lookin’ at me! Phwizzzz! Peyaaah! Maammy! Fuck this, I’m going to find Concobhar and Cornelius. (Busher and his stumps hobble out the door) Ace: Heh, soooo, guess somebody was ‘on the beer’ last night mmm? Tell me about him. Hard life? Wrong path? Bad choices? Go on, lash on the kettle and make that tea you wanted. Tell me about it… Bunsen: He was in an accident. Such pretty feet. Now, I take out the big toeoooo. Ace: Aah! Hang on man, go easy with the- Bunsen: Now I- Ace: It’s not a problem, it’s only a challenge. N-Not a problem, just a problem, challenge, a problem… challenge… Uh, uaaah! Bunsen: You won’t let me down Burney will you? Ace: Listen man, for, like, the millionth time, my name IS NOT BOURNEY! And I’m so not available for friendship right now. Bunsen: …I love yoooo, … take off your shoooooe…. Ace: Hey, I don’t action that, you can’t do that. Come on! You’ve gone off the bandwidth completely! Listen, hey, hey, I can help you here. Bunsen: He takes the toe from out of the sock or else he gets the dose again… Ace: Stop it! Stoppit! That’s-like-seriously uncool! I’m never going to Facebook you dude, like, ever. Yunno. That’s a long time, yeah? Yeah? Y’understand me? Yeah. Bunsen: I loved HIM! He scorned ME! You won’t do that to me will ya? Ace: Help me Dawkins, help me! Ahhhhh! George: Suddenly! Being dragged in by their feet are; Ace: Oh thank god for- Sinead: Arggh! Stop it. Busher: Look what I found Bunsen. Ace: Aw crap. Sinead: Ace! Concobhar: Get in there yis scoundrels! Brian: (falls) mmmeh… Ace: Yeah, hi. How are you doing today? Brian: Mmnmuh… Bunsen: Busher! Busher! Tie them up together in the back room. Sinead: No, wait, wait, get your- stop it! Concobhar: She has the want in her this one! Just like you did Busher! Busher: Fuck off! C’mere you! Brian: (Inhaler falls across the floor) ah, ah, me asthma bottle, wait, don’t, can I just get that- Busher: Stop pushin’! (Sounds of Sinead and Bubbles being brought into the back and the door locked) Brian: Ace?! Ace: Well that just shifted the paradigm, so where are we at now? Hey my feet are kind of cold, could you put my socks back on? Busher: Right, there might be more out there, so I’ll go take a look. Bunsen: Take Concobhar with you. Busher: Ah, he wrecks my head! Bunsen: Just do it Busher! Concobhar, here! Here! Concobhar: Ah fuck it. They’re as lively as a roasted squirrel. Busher: Stop gropin’ at yourself and c’mon will ya! P-p-ppeah move! Concobhar: Ah, yep, right now. C’mon so. See yis later. Good luck now. Ah, ah, the bad head on me… aww curse a god on it… (Door opens and closes) Brian: (Breathing heavy) This is all your fault. Sinead: Excuse me? Brian: If you hadn’t gone online with your virginity! Sinead: What? Brian: Then I wouldn’t have seen it and wanted it! Sinead: Oh my god Bubbles… Brian: And then Ace wouldn’t have won it and then- Sinead: Stop it Bubbles. Brian: And then I wouldn’t have diddled you! Sinead: Bubbles! Brian: And then Ace wouldn’t have wanted to take you in the forest and… Sinead: Shut up! Brian: Did you like it? Sinead: Just shut up! Brian: Did ya? Did ya? Did ya fuck Tash too after? Sinead: I can’t believe- Brian: Did he find ‘penetration’ too? Sinead: SHUT UP BUBBLES! Brian: Now I’m going to die and it’s all your fault! (Starts to cry). Ace: Hey Bunsen. More people more problems. Let us all go. You’re getting cold feet! Yeah COLD FEET, like mine, heheheheh-AHHHH! Bunsen: I love your toes (cracks, sucks and licks). I’ll warm up your cold feet! Ace: Me feet! Bunsen: I love the taste as it hits my tongue, mmm… Ace: (panic) Aw… aw, not-a-problem-not-a-problem-nn-n-I’m going to spew… awwww. Bunsen: I could suck on them all day, mmm, perfect shape… clean and cut… mmm. Aaaammm… smooth talons… Are you warm yet? Ace: (high pitch) aaaa, uuhhh, in… his… mouth… Uuurhg… Bunsen: Warmer? Warmer? Mmm… Mmm… The big one is so sweet Bourney… Yyou must be hot now… so hot… I love you Bourney. Ace: Fuuuuuckckk… Bunsen: Oh Bourney, mlam, Busher, mmm, Bourney. Love your toes Bourney. Ahlam, lam! George: Feet Feet Feet Feet Feet FEET! How many foot is that? I’ve got a two foot cock, what do you think about that? MM? Oh, let’s see what Clare, Floyd and Wubba are doing… Clare: Keep up you two, we can’t afford to stop. Okay, the GPS shows that, here’s something just down this valley. Floyd: Be careful there Ranchero, it’s a bit dark under this heavy canopy. Wubba: I thwink I have a she-mickey. Floyd: Dude? Wubba: Yeah, yunno, the little swimmas that cause the bitches. Floyd: Like, ‘love juice’, you mean? Wubba: Spot on boss. Floyd: Eh, you can cause both sexes my man. It’s a 50-50 thing. Wubba: No, mostly cause the bitches. All my family except for the men, are women. I’m the only lad since my father to be born without a flanger. And my Daddy had to take pills as the five ones he fathered before me, came out smooth. Floyd: You’ve five sisters? All with the same lips? Wubba: Yeah, they’re all related to Pam looka! Ha ha ha ha! Floyd: High five you sick amigo heh heh heh. Wubba: ‘Ere tell me Fwoyd, would ya do ‘er? Huh huh? Tell me. Floyd: Who, Clare? Wubba: Would ya do ‘er? Yeah, yeah? Would ya, would ya? Floyd: I tell ya, enough trouble so far with that family. Wubba: I heard about the wucus alwight, what was it? Floyd: You know all about it? Wubba: I hear about it. I dunno what to thwink about it tho’, wha do you thwink about it Fwoyd? Floyd: Well, her sister Sinead auctioned her virginity online, and we, like Ace, me and Finny from the bar bought it, and gave her to Bubbles to get his first ridin’ medals. Very altruistic. Wubba: I heard Sinead makes a noise like she’s biting her fist when she comes. Floyd: Woah, really? Wubba: Yeah, did Bubbles tell you that? Floyd: Eh… Wubba: Didn’t she make that noise with him? Floyd: Eh, he, he may have been ‘interrupted’. Wubba: ‘Intewupted’? What happened boss? (Clare screams) Floyd: Clare! Wubba: She probably fell, she’s alright. Why d’j’thwink he was intewupted boss? Floyd: Clare! Are, are you ok? Busher: USER! PHWIZZZ! PEAH! Floyd: Woah! A scarecrow! Busher: C’mere you! Wubba: Is he standin’ in a hole? Floyd: It’s Wurzel Gummidge! Busher: Stop-stoppit! Clare: Get off me! Concobhar: Akkshshskh, I’d advise yis not to run, I’ll fuckin’ only fuckin’ have to chase yis. Busher: PEAH! MOVE! Floyd: Yeah, sure, sure! Just don’t hurt the lady there banana fingers, you gonna make sandwiches? I’m starving! Wubba: I’d take a bit o’ tea and twoast too boss if it’s on offa? Busher: Concobhar! Put the bags over their heads! Peah! PEAH! Stoppit, STOPPIT! Concobhar: Ahhkkkhkhh, lights out! Lights out! Akgkgkhkkgkkkkhhh! (Floyd, Clare, Wubba muffled under sack cloth) Concobhar: Haha fuckin’ see nothin’, I’ll fuckin’ ate your feet now. George: Concobhar Bunsen bags himself another six feet as he and Busher haul their three hooded victims to the king of the feet-seekers back at Bunsen residence… UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.
George: Ace, full of that loveable self-importance, leaves the destroyed Tash and Floyd’s hash, and heads feet first in search of a ‘chipperses’! Professor Keith’s youngest daughter and sophomore, Sinead, springs to her feet to follow him. Ace: So… Sinead, were you totally looking for your family to disown you? Or do you enjoy sadistically torturing the Professor. Now, first we had the whole auction episode now humiliation in front of his students. Jeez, I nearly feel sorry for him. Sinead:Riiight, well, the auction was kind of silly I admit. But, uh, you don’t know the pressures girls my age have from their peers Ace. I didn’t want to be the last girl to have sex! Ace: Shyeah! But selling it for a nice juicy wad of Euros that’s a totally different story! Sinead: OK, um, maybe the real reason was to get at my Da. Ace: That I can understand, I can only imagine how tough it is to live under his regime. Then again behind closed doors maybe he’s just a big old cuddly teddy bear. Sinead: Yeah, and maybe I’m only bullshitting you coz that’s what guys like you want to hear, the vulnerable teenager story of peer pressure and daddy pain. Ace: What? I- Sinead: Makes you feel dominant, yeah, oh Dad, you don’t tuck me in anymore, no no, get out of my ass you big back door daddy! Ace: Oh-my-god. Sinead: Listen Ace, the ‘Professor’ is a good father, he only wants what’s best for us. Unfortunately he is overprotective and sometimes I find I can’t breathe. Don’t we all. Deal with it. Ace: I, eh. Wow. Em. That was unexpected. And strangely exciting. I’m, eh, eh, so… you just wanted to show him you’re a... Still, that was a totally insane stunt. Cough! Did you even fancy Bubbles? Sinead: Bubbles is kinda cute in his own way. Although the whole Candy Girl thing was weird on so many different levels. Ace: Ha ha, yeah, funny in the whole use of a cheesy old pop record in an inappropriate situation kinda way. Personally I’d like to use Glen Medeiros’s “Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You” as the soundtrack to my virginity loss. Sinead: You…you’re a Virgin? Ace: No, no, no. I mean to say I would like to have used it. When it happened…ages ago… Sinead: Oh yeah? Tell me about your first time. Ace: Hey, did you hear that? Something rustling in the trees. Floyd! Did you follow us? I knew you couldn’t resist an adventure man! Floyd?! (Silence) Sinead: Ah sweet. Floyd wants to protect me too. Ace: Eh, kaay, there’s nobody there, probably a deer or something. Sinead: So Yogi, y’think we have far to walk? Ace: C’mon, we’re not exactly in the wilds here, we can’t be more than 10 minutes away from the village. C’mon, follow me Boo Boo. George: Back in the shack and with Tash nursing a mangled ankle, Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury is in no mood to let the grass grow under his feet. Tash: Oooh, oooh, does anyone have painkillers around their person? Keith: Come now Mr Tash grit your teeth and bear up. Show the pupils the fortitude of their tutor. Tash: Listen, it’s not the pain that bothers me Professor, I find it quite exhilarating actually, but I do not wish to be exhilarated in front of the pupils. Floyd: Tash is one kinky SOB eh, Bubbles? Brian: I’m worried about Ace and Sinead. Floyd: I know what you’re worried about, Ace getting himself a free ride… Brian: Whatcha mean a free ride? I have to follow them. Floyd: Ok dude, but it is cold n’ wet out there, at least it’s dry in here. Why don’t you stick around? I’m gonna roll us a fat one. Now a couple of licks, followed by the two fingered shuffle, wh-where’s the roach? Where’s the roach? Brian: Wow Floyd you make that look so easy. Floyd: Years of practice and voila a super dupey doobie! Wubba: How’w’yis doin’ lwads? Floyd: Hey O’Toole. Is it a coincidence you have joined us here or are you hoping for some free weed? Wubba: Thwanks mate, is this cwazy stuff? I love it, I do it all the time. (Inhales) Floyd: Mmm the way your lips flop n’ dangle so I shall dub thee ‘Wubba lips’. Have a toke Wubba. Wubba: Fair pway to ya boss. Brian: You & Wubba here get wasted, I’m cowboying up & going to find Sinead. Wubba: Fair pway to ya boss. (fart) Mowan… Brian: What you say? Wubba: Whah? Floyd: Good luck man, see ya later! Hey Mr Tash, pull up yer leg n’ tell us more about them Neon-lithic tombs. Tash: Oh well, they date back over 5,000 years. They pre-date Stonehenge & the Pyramids you know. Floyd: Before the ‘henge? Wow, this is like spiritual. Keith: Is Bubbles following the others? Floyd: Yeah he figures they could do with his manly protection. Heh, ooh, (sneezes) excuse me. Ah, it’s getting cold in here. Uah, muh. Dick: Well, gather around the fire I’ve made for yis here, Bubbles may not have been so quick to wonder out in to the dark woods if he had heard some of my horrible stories of those accursed BUNSENS! Wubba: Whah? Aw, bwursta on boss. Tash: My left foot I fear may have to be amputated. Dick: There was a boy that went missing, then he reappeared. Busher was his name. When they found him, his feet had been abused for months… Floyd: (Inhales) George: Dick begins to spin a yarn. Ace and Sinead walk their feet off on way to Killmacow down in Dangly Bell. Sinead: You said ten minutes. Ace: Chillax my pigeon sense is telling me there’s not too far to go. (Sound of a tree whack in the distance and a curse) Sinead: Oh my god what was that? Ace: F-Floyd? Sinead: That was no deer. Ace: OK you stay here I’m gonna take a look, plus I need a whizz. I drank too much Dr Pepper on the bus. Sinead: Be careful… I mean don’t get yourself killed idiot, I don’t have a pigeon sense. Pigeon sense? What am I saying… Ace: It’s kinda like a Spider-sense but it’s what a pigeon might have. Sinead: Like pigeon-man has? Ace: Ugnh yeah, anybody there? Hey Pigeon-man, that’s not a bad idea, I might pitch that too…AAAAAAGH! (Bash over the head) Sinead: ACE! Ohmigod ohmigod. Ace! Ace! Ah! Don’t panic! Bashed over the head and dragged off into the woods! Don’t panic Sinead… you will be fine. But he won’t! ACE!!!! George: Bashed over the head? Good gubbins! Foul shenanigans are at foot! What shall come of Ace and his pigeon sense now? Back to Dick telling a tale about a boy named Busher… Dick: Are yis all sitting comfortably? Then Dick shall begin. Floyd? O’Toole? Yis wanna listen? Floyd: They got this cool late night music show, and I try to tune it in on the TV in my bedroom, but it’s like I’m watching it in a haze, heheh, and I swear, it’s not just the shit! Wubba: The signal is weak. You haveta get a boosta. Floyd: A boosta? Wubba: Yeah the electwical current amplifies the wadio signal and you get a cleawa picture. Floyd: A boosta? Like a boosta bar? Remember those chocolate bars? Hee hee hee! Wubba: Yeah a boosta baw. Hee hee hee! Or a boosta wocket! Or a boosta injection! Haa ha haa! Boosta! (farts). Haw haw, stoppa! Floyd: Ha ha ha ha! Put a boosta on it! Haw ha ha! Roosta Boosta! Ma –haw Wubba: Stoppa! Dick: Meh. Their loss. Anyway, years ago this forest was home to a notorious family in these parts. The Bunsens… Cornelius, Concobhar & Silas Bunsen. Bachelors all. Living alone and in seclusion, they rarely entertained visitors. They would spread cream crackers ahind the doorway so they would be awoken by a crunch in the night if any intruders had crossed their threshold. Concobahr fond of his shovel, Cornelius; his great grandfather’s piano yet Silas Bunsen would only head into Killmacow to one of the local pubs to take a drink. But he kept mostly to himself. It was clear to everyone he was fightin’ the demons. Unfortunately the reason for the Bunsen name entering infamy was that the teenage boys of Killmacow had begun to mysteriously… disappear! Floyd: Sorry Dick dude, this story is, like, really intense. Can you rewind a bit to the beginning maybe? Just, yeah, who’s this ‘Busher’ guy? UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.
George: Cash was paid. The lurid Tash is to be laid. Or so he believes as the 'science building annex 3 room 2' is the deflowering destination. Come the morrow, UCLS provost Broadleaf O’Hara sits fretfully in Crawton Hall, awaiting the town council vote on Al-Fajar’s rezone-er-ing. (Crowd murmur in hall) Broadleaf: Healthy turn out Mr Tash don’t you think? Tash: …ehm what Broadleaf? Broadleaf: I know, I know, I’m so nervous too truth be told. Tash: Nervous? Broadleaf: The town council votes will be in and we will soon hear if Mehfooz Alfajar won the tender for the Parnell Park site. Tash: Oh yis that… yis, yis of course. Broadleaf: Are you with me Norman? Tash: I’m sorry? Mnnn? What? Broadleaf: What’s with you Norman? You seem miles away, I’m beginning to wonder where your allegiances are these days. Tash: You think I’m trying to stab you in the back? Broadleaf: What? No, no! I never said that. Tash: I’m not trying to stab you in the back, in fact I am right behind you. Broadleaf: Glad to hear it Norman. We’ve a lot to lose if Mehfooz gets his way and the boundary change is upheld. Keith: Quite the gathering Provost O’Hara. I hope we have good news to offer the hordes. Broadleaf: What did you say? Ace: A drink sirs? We have some green tea, water, or if you wish, some wine? Keith: Oh, it’s the prince of neck accessories. I’ll have a white wine. Tash: I hope you learn something from tonight Ace… Ace: I hope so sir. Water for you? Tash: Thank you. Where’s Floyd and Raymond? Ace: Eh, Floyd is taking in the coats and Raymond is sorting out the left handed jackets from the right handed ones. Tash: I see. Good. Keith: (Snigger) Bastard… Broadleaf: Ok, let’s begin. (Switch on microphone) Broadleaf: Testing, testing, 1,2,3… George: At that very samely time, at the very largely big entrance gates. Floyd: You ready Bubbles. Brian: I think so. I hope she comes. Dick: Jesus, well I hope so too, you paid enough for her… I bet she bucks ya straight off her! Floyd: You got your cassette player? Brian: Yep. Dick: Wassat for? Brian: Candy girl. Dick: Is that her name? Very strange name that is. Floyd: No, he wants to have sex with the earphones on and listen to some Brian: ♫ Candy Girl♫ You rock my world! ♫ Do-do-do-doo-do-do-do-do! Dick: Oh well, it’s his show… Floyd: Psst, Dick, ok, I got to get back to the Admin Hall, ring me and let me know when the Eagle has landed and I’ll let you know when the old Buzzard is on his way. Dick: 10-4, 8.30, Legs at 10 and 2, all boosters primed my friend. Floyd: And remember what we spoke about at lunchtime today? Later boys. Hey, nice new jacket by the way Dick… Dick: Cheers matey… Brian: Uhuh, bye… Dick: A few Lego men short of a town is this lad. Brian: Whatcha say? (Sneeze) George: Candy Girl? Doesn’t rock my world. Nevermind, back to the nervous hands of Broadleaf at the com-mit-tee meeting! Broadleaf: So what can we do as the formal minds of education to get more involved in the University Council’s decision making process? Heckler # 1 (Bali): What about the town council vote?? When do we hear? Broadleaf: Ahem… Yes, yes, quite soon. In the next while there should be representatives arriving. Heckler # 1 (Bali): What will you do if you must hand over the arts building to the new developers of Parnell Park?! Broadleaf: Yeah, yeah, well allow me to break off from this topic for a moment… Ace: Where were you? Floyd: Out with Dick and Bubbles at the gate. She should be here soon. Dick’s gonna open the room for ‘em. How’s Tash lookin’? Ace: Like he’s just about to calve it. Sitting up there like a prize tulip man you wanna- Floyd: Tallyho so brother! Broadleaf: …robberies, yes robberies, it’s a sad state of affairs when your University is home to thieves and wickedness. Yesterday €5000 Euro was stolen from my office when someone found their little way into the office and interfered with the petty cash box. Ace: Wait a second… Broadleaf: It breaks my heart to think that people will stoop so low… Ace: You didn’t… Floyd: Mmm? Keith: Another wine Ace please…. Ace: …eh, here sir… You! Floyd: Sssh, listen to the man… Ace: Yeah, you, ya fuc- George: Well! Broadleaf O’Hara starts the fight against literally losing his plot. While Ace’s suspicions become aroused. But wait! Mr. Dick is hard and stiff at the front gates. Dick: Stand to attention young chubbler, Brian: It’s Bubbles. Dick: Time to brace the main sail, coz there be a bitch ahoy! Brian: Hi Brenda. Brenda: Hey Bubbles. Solicitor: Ah Brian, good to see you. And you must be? Dick: Eh, the ‘overseer’… N-not like I’ll be lookin’ or anythin’, unf, I’m the man with the keys and makin’ sure all is eh, like, eh, heh it runs smoothly for the safety of the two young… eh… (whistles). Solicitor: Very well. I wish you all good night. Brenda, it was an experience working for you. Best of luck then. Dick: Ok then young Cupids, follow me to the science building where you shall start your experiments… Follow me! Together: Follow, follow, follow, follow- Dick: Follow the yellow toof road! Follow, follow, follow, foll- Baldy: ‘Ere Dick, you talkin’ about me are ya? Dick: What? Eh? Must have been the wind… George: And good luck to them! With arms outstretched, Broadleaf waits to welcome the Loughfeg Town Councillors. Broadleaf: Well yes, should we get the decision on our side, then we will move forward with our plan for further development of University grounds and essential departmental procurement. Heckler # 2 (Hefese): And will Long Term Loan Credit bank give you funding if such an outcome is not forthcoming Mr O’Hara? Nigel: Busher! Busher! Busher! You tell ‘em Busher! Broadleaf: No! No! No! Listen! Listen! Nigel: You go up there and tell them how it’s fuckin’… Yeah! Shlioler: I’m livin’ in a small house with six-and-a-half children! And I can’t move, I can’t swing a cat in it, and we’ve been on to the council for ages for a bigger house. We can’t get out of it! What are you going to do about it?! Broadleaf: Listen! Shlioler: What are you gonna do about it?! My Larry went off and left me. He left me. Heckler #1 (Bali): Parnell Park! Keith: Look at him, like a second hand Jesus on the cross ready for the end… Tash: What? Keith: Worried that your watch might stop if you stop looking at it Norman? Tash: Sorry Mr Keith, you must excuse me… Keith: Of course… but looks like you’ll miss the action, here come the town council cavalry. Floyd: (On phone) Hey, Dick, Dick? Tash is on his way. Ace: You are a fucking thief! Floyd: What? I didn’t take the money… don’t be stupid, I was in class with you remember? (Floyd’s mobile rings) Floyd: Aw shit… Yeah? Dick: The Eagle has landed, echo-fella-one, Roger Daltry, Wilco… Floyd: Yeah, let ‘em settle in Dick, Tash is on his way to spruce up the sprouts. ETA: 10 minutes. Dick: Eh over and around again… (phone clicks off) Broadleaf: Councillors, councillors, please, here, yes, please sit down… Keith: Waiting for Godot… god save me… What’s this? Little man moves to the front… Mehfooz: Please, please, Ladies and Gentlemen, Councillors and Provost O’Hara, may I take the podium? Broadleaf: Well, em… Mehfooz: Thank you sir. George: Meantimewhile, at the science block; Brian: (Coughs) Dick: Right! Here yis go… I’ll keep the hall lights on okay? Brian: (Wheeze, inhale), Thanks Dick. Dick: Pleasure’s mine, enjoooooy! (Closes door) Brian: (Breathes heavily) Brenda: I’m here Bubbles… Brian: I-I-I… Brenda: Shhh, come here… Brian: Okay… Brenda: You want to take all my clothes off? Brian: (Gulp)… Tes… Brenda: I’m yours… Brian: (Tokes on inhaler) George: Yuck! Pyeah! I need to wash out my ears back at Finny’s bar; (Finny’s Bar, incessant gaming noises) Finny: Are you speaking to me yet? Pavla: No. Finny: That’s better, here Baldy, will you shut up that shite! Baldy: I’m winnin’! I’m winnin’! Highest score comin’ up, can’t me stop now. Historical milestone. Finny: I’m standing here seriously toying with the idea of killing you. Baldy: Well I’m killin’ thousands here! It’s a massacre! I can’t believe I’m winnin’! George: No time to lose, what’s the news with Mehfooz?! Mehfooz: Thank you ladies and gentlemen and members of the town council. We sit here today on the edge of a new era of change in Loughfeg State. The old is cast aside replaced by the new…. When two new spheres of influence come together it promotes teamwork and intense bonding! (Science building) Brenda: That’s it Bubbles… take them down… Bubbles: Awww, hih, ushff, fffssh, hoh hoh hoh! Aww, ffhshs, aw, I’ve got a stalker… Brenda: My god! Bubbles: Awwwwffssshih. George: Dear God! Where then, is Norman Tash? (Office toilet) Tash: Why do I sweat so much? This is appalling. Pull my socks up. Good. Armani looks good. Right… Breathe in Norman! To the Science block. Claim virgin territory! (Door slams) Mehfooz: Let me be the first one to announce the news from the town council that my consortium for the tender of the development of Parnell Park and Loughfeg boundary change has been SUCCESSFUL!!! Nigel: Busher! Broadleaf: No!!!!! (Uproar) Keith: Oh crap. Mehfooz: Thank you, thank you, yes, very much, ah thank you. Thank you, not at all, not at all, thank you. Heckler # 3: It’s a sham! Floyd: Sounds heavy. Ace: I hope it doesn’t disturb young Ying and Yang across the block. Floyd: He won’t hear a thing. Ace: Why? Aaawh yeah…. (Science building) Brenda: You look masterful mighty standing there! Brian: I am the WWF Inseminator! Brenda: Eh, Bubbles, what are you doing? Brian: It’s my cassette player. Brenda: …and? Brian: It’s my fantasy, I want to go inside you with Candy girl. (echo of Dick’s sick laughing and coughing) Brenda: Eh, ok… if it’s your fantasy… Brian: Yes! It is! CANDY GIRL! Brenda: Oh my god! Brian: Errrffffmmmargh! C-aaaiiindy guuurrllluu-uh-uhh… (Back in Committee) Floyd: I mean if it was my thing I’d want to hear her scream, yeah, but hey, earphones or not, it’s not my money! Ace: Because you STOLE it! Floyd: You are over-reacting. Broadleaf: This is crazy, you can’t make this decision. Mehfooz: Leave it be Broadleaf. Broadleaf: You want to ruin this town, isn’t that right Mr Keith? Keith: What? Me? Ehm? Heckler #4: What about the fucking football team hah? What about the team? What about my young lad, what about young Tighe hah? He needs to play ball. Heckler # 5: What now for the funding Mr Keith?? What will happen to the football team funding? Keith: How should I know? That’s Mr. Tash’s area of expertise, I-I… Heckler # 6: Answer the question Chiselton come on! Heckler # 7: Yeah, anser the question! You’re the outings co-ordinator which covers the away day expenses!!! Mehfooz: Calm down Broadleaf, it is done. It is done sir. That is it. Broadleaf: Done you say? DONE? I’ll do YOU! Right, funding cut backs start here! Keith: Listen, it’s not a question of rash answers, we need to focus. Heckler # 3: You can focus on my fat lad! My son depends on that team Mr Keith… Keith: Of course… I understand, but… Broadleaf: Cut backs so! Cut the WATER! Cut the GAS! Cut the SALARIES mmmggfff, CUT THE ELECTRICITYYY!!!! (Pull of the main switch in the hall…) Floyd: Darkness has descended. Hecklers: Hey! Hey! Ya bollocks! Come back here! Hey! Keith: Mmm, get out of here… Ace: Let’s do the same… Floyd: I’m right with you Captain… (Science block) Tash: Typical! Blackout! I can’t see where I am… ok… annex two is that way so annex three is this way…. (On the way to science block) Keith: Get in the car, drive away, go home, have some Chablis and start applying to colleges in the morning… yes… Ace: Floyd… he’s heading to the annex… Floyd: Follow that nutty Professor. (In Room 2) Brenda: Oh Bubbles! This feels so wonderful! And you can’t hear me! (Giggles) Brian: ♫ ooh yeah ♫ Candy! ♫ Girl! Uhhh. Brenda: (Giggles) (Back in committee) Mehfooz: Don’t panic! Do not panic! We will have order restored as soon as I find the switch. (In the hallway) Tash: Hellooooo? Come out young lady Brendaaaaa? Pssst it’s me! Mr. Tash, Meeester Taaash… (Hears giggling) Tash: Ah-ha! Yis yis, I will take her by surprise, and naked too. Take her! Rrraaarrr! Off with everything Mr Tash! Yis yis! Oh yes, hoo hoo! She will be not ready for me! Keith: …eh? What is that? Norman? Is that you? Ace: Oh shit… he’s goin’ straight for the… (Door lashes open) Tash: SURPRISE! I have you now…. (sound of bodies jumping on top) Brenda: AAAAGGGHH! Brian: OOOFFFF! Tash: YIS! You fleshy fuckbucket, mmm, your soft downy skin! Brenda: HELP! Tash: Don’t fight it Brenda! Brian: Get off me! Tash: Don’t fight it! Brian: Get off! Keith: NORMAN? Tash: KEITH! Brenda: DADDY? Keith: SINEAD? Mehfooz: Power back on! (sound of electricity mains) Brenda/Sinead: Daddy! Tash: Jesus- Ace: Christ. Brian: Get off me ya sick pervert! Sinead / Brenda: Daddy! I, Oh my god! Keith: YOU BAAAASTARDS!!!! Floyd: Woah! It’s Keith’s daughter?! Dick: (Jumps out of a cupboard) Hargh! It’s pure fuckin’ gold, gold I tells ya! Fuckin’ faces on the lot of yis!! And I have it all recorded on me new camcorder!!! Big triple decker sandwich with teachers ridin’ pupils n’ daughters,I tell ya, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! (Note: 8 minutes of outtakes follow credits) U.C.L.S. I - An ear-film adventure by Amplevoicepod. The story of Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne and Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, after meeting each other on the first day at University College Loughfeg State. It's a time for moral advancement as they bond when trying to procure a virgin for Brian over the internet. They must be careful not to rouse the attention of teacher Norman Tash who himself is intent on straightening this trio out. Science professor Keith, meanwhile, is annually dismayed at the sheer stupidity of the year's intake and is contemptuous of Provost Broadleaf O'Hara as he struggles to keep Loughfeg State University afloat. Janitor Dick Soupe is barely holding the buildings and himself together as he tries to help the new enrollees integrate. On Loughfeg's main street, Finny and Pavla trade insults as they helm Finny's bar while attempting to avoid catching the red eyes of resident comic-lover barfly Baldy Kendall and U.C.L.S computer teacher Ciaran Brennan. Amplevoicepod creates original explicit storytelling. We make HD audio podcasts to sternly tongue your earhole. We try not to follow others, don't cross the easy fields and have lived in blissful ignorance across millennia. We make ear-film adventures. Full effects-laden audio productions with plots, characters and immersive sounds. It takes about 80 hours of production in writing, recording and editing to make 1 hour of output. We take lumps out of each other as we sculpt our latest mutation. To relax we switch on the mics, open our lungs and bellow out a 2-hour rock show playing the best music dug up on a Friday. Tautologically titled 'The Friday Rock Show' it's just us and a few listener letters, which we lovingly read out on air. It's DJ Adgeen Byrne and producer Tony Wilson spitting and sparring to send you into sonic convulsions. Started in 1987, this saga has continued down through the ages with over 500 stories read out on air, from a wide variety of intriguingly demented souls. Our feature-length stories now streaming: Timefiddler, Mount Pheasant I, Mount Pheasant II, The Adrian & Tony Radio Show I & II, University College Loughfeg State (UCLS I) and coming soon: UCLS II & III, Mental Holmes I, II & III, United Mutations I, II & III and Panspermia I, II & III. 100s of hours of explicit storytelling await you. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.
George - Hello! Do sit. Take the weight of your meat. Glad you could join me once again for another wonderful useless story. Welcome to U.C.L.S. Toe! Well, we had better get our feet wet hadn’t we? We join our story deep within the shrubbery of Ballygannorn Woods, and two lost souls in a very old abode… Bunsen: Now I take out the big toeoooo. Ace: Ah! Hang on man! Go easy with the- Bunsen: Now I- Ace: It’s not a problem, it’s only a challenge. N-Not a problem, just a problem… challenge… problem, challenge… Huuagh… Bunsen: You won’t let me down Bourney will you? Ace: Listen man, for, like, the millionth time, my name IS NOT BOURNEY! And I’m so not available for friendship right now. Bunsen: …I love yoooo, … take off your shoeoooo…. Ace: Hey, I don’t action that, you can’t do that. Come on! You’ve gone off the bandwidth completely! Listen, hey, hey, I can help you here. Bunsen: He takes the toe from out of the sock or else he gets the dose again… Ace: Stop it! Stoppit! That’s-like-seriously uncool. I’m never going to Facebook you dude, like, ever. Yunno. That’s a long time yeah? Yeah? Y’understand me? Yeah. Bunsen: I loved HIM! He scorned ME! You won’t do that to me, will ya? Ace: Help me Dawkins, help me! Ahhhhh! George: Now then, what make you of that mmm? Someone’s playing sillybuggers and it doesn’t sound too good for our incapacitated friend hah? We need to go to the beginnings of the day at University College Loughfeg State, where Janitor Richard Soupe is rushed off his feet fixing the bus. Dick: (Grabs spanner) Gyaagh! Tash: Ho-ho, good evening Dick, I trust you are feeling fit and able, it is quite a drive to Slough Feg. Dick: Gyah! Get away from me ya scruffy flea infester-ed moggie! Tash: Ooh, look, a little cute fuss fuss. Dick: Shyeah, that’s my mate Spike’s stinkin’ cat followin’ me everywhere looking for food. Da lane ya hoor ya!! Tash: Mmmm an animal lover too Soup, I see. I shall leave you too it. Dick: I’ll just top her up with oil and water and we’ll be ready to… Hit the road Tash! Dontcha cum back no more, no more, no mo-ar! Hehmeheheheh, ya bulb-headed pervert… (Opening Credits) Voice: A&M Presents, A&M presents, A&M Presents, A&M Presents… Dick: Hah? Voice: U… C… L… S… Toe… Dick: Toe? Voice: Starring… Ace… Ace: Look! Look! Look, look… Clare: Floyd… Floyd: Excuse me? Sinead: Bubbles! Bubbles: Where are we? Keith: Professor Keith. Come on amoeba! Mr. Tash. Tash: Cretinous fool! Mr. Dick Soupe. Dick: Hah? I can’t find it! Ace: Wubba. Wubba: This is mad, any mushrooms? Silas: Busher! Busher: Nobody knows the real Busher. Silas: Silas Bunsen. I loved him! Concobhar: Concobhar Bunsen. Aw suck the bunion… Cornelius: Cornelius Bunsen, Dick: Toe! Floyd: Clare? Clare: nobody talk to me okay? Dick: Toe! Bubbles: Sinead! Sinead: Yeah? Dick: Toe! Are yis all sitting comfortably? Busher: Peah! Dick: Toe! Then Dick shall begin… Keith: What are you saying? Dick: Uh-oh! Voice: Useless! Dick: Hah? George: Dick and foot on the pedal, the academic excursionists, chaperoned by Professor Keith and Mr. Norman Tash, speed on to a delightful summer solstice rendezvous! With the Neon-Lithium tombs at Slough Feg. Second years; Accursis Byrne , Brian ‘Bubbles’ Waterbury and Floyd Frisbane are footloose and fancy free. (Foreigner – ‘Jukebox Hero’ plays on bus) Ace: Hey that’s such a good tune man, who is it? Floyd: Yeah its mint alright, these guys rock a lot. Brian: A‘course they do Floyd they have to fit in with your macho man image hihihih! Floyd: Hey you’re the macho man givin’ that Sinead girl a good seeing to. Gave her the futcha-futcha-futcha didn’t ya? Ace: Keep it down Floyd, her oul lad’s on the bus, not to mention herself. Brian: I don’t want to talk about it Floyd. I just want to forget that whole sorry episode. Floyd: Ah ya big sloppy kisser. Bet you don’t. Bet you beat the bishop every night thinking about her sweet tender lu-u-uve. Ace: Jay-Zee. Floyd: Tight hairstyle Ace. Didn’t know you were a fan of Alphabeat. Ace: FASCINATION! FASCINATION! FASCINATION! Dick: Gyah! Keith: Can we keep the noise down lest we forget we are on a school excursion not some social bonding experiment. You should be mentally preparing yourself for the privilege of seeing the historic Neolithic Tombs of Slough-Feg. At sunset the illumination of its passage by the winter solstice sun is a joy to behold. A narrow beam of light will penetrate an opening just above the entrance, known as the roof-box, and then reach the floor of the chamber. This will gradually extend to the rear of the passage. Then night takes over. Oooh. (Dick slams the brakes of the bus). Keith: Arrgh!! Ace: Looka, Mr. Keith nearly fell into Jennifer’s tits. Keith: Dick! Must you brake so hard? Dick: Sorry Professor, the brakes’s very tight. Keith: Apply the pressure gently Dick, then it’ll slow down… not crush us into window pizza. Ace: Wow Professor! Like, we’re on the bus, yet your STILL teaching us about the basic laws of physics. You are a legend. Brian: He looks like Art Garfunkel. Floyd/Brian: “Bright eyes! Buuurnin’ like Fiyooor”… Keith: Keep flapping your jaws Ace. I will inform you when you have finally said something remotely funny…. What IS that smell? Dick: Eh I think this old lady be burning a bit of oil. STINKIN’ BITCH! Ace: For the love of James Tiberius Kirk open a window!! Brian: (Vomits) Ace: Ah here! Get off me ya spazbag! Dick: I’ve seen worse. Tash: Keep your eye on the road Mr Soup! Brian: Uuugh, sorry Ace, I think I’ve travel sickness. Clare: Dad, Dad! Stop the bus, the smell… I’m going to be sick too. Sinead: Like every morning. Clare: Shuttup you slut. Sinead: That’s what he told you last night and stop wearing those stupid glasses, you look ridiculous… Ace: I gotta clean my trainers! Tash: Now, now, settle down everyone! I’ve opened the window to alleviate the smell… Floyd: Jes-us. Brian: (Wheezes) Keith: What are you saying? Tash: Oh dear God, the boy’s having an asthma attack! Dick: Jesus lads, it was only a little fart. Keith: Ah, he can suffocate after the way he humiliated my daughter. Dick: Eh, help the poor little fart, here I’ll gets him a paper bag. Somewhere here, I know Spike takes a packed lunch… I can’t open the glove compartment! Brian: Sorry! Floyd: Aceman, check his jacket for his asthma bottle. Ace: You mean his inhaler. No, nothing, try his bag. Floyd: His bag is huge, dude! I’ll need a torch and, and a map! Dick: I can’t find it, I CAN’T FIND IT! C’mere ya black basket! Tash: Mr Soup! Brian: Urk urgh urrgh…. Floyd: This’ll take me hours, he could be dead by then, try his trouser pockets. Ace: Eeeeyooooo!! Floyd: What the hell’s wrong with you man? Ace: He really does like this bouncy bus. Oh thank god it’s his phone. Phee-yoo. Brian: (Going blue) Jennifer: Here, youse clowns, use mine. Floyd: Oh yeah forgot about you. Brian: Phissh Phissh eeeeh (inhales). Ace: Thanks Genita-Jen-Jennifer if you gave up the smokes you might not need this as much. Tash: What? Sinead: Jerk. Jennifer: You’re so dead Acursius. Brian: (Catches breath) Ace: I rock. George: The battered old twenty four foot minibus creaked and cranked its way through the precarious ridges of the Aughavalley Pass. Dick: Cursa-duggan’s-bog on ya! Keith: What’s going on? Dick: Well Jesus now, bollix! I thought I filled her up, we can’t be outta juice! Ace: Would it help if Floyd got out and pushed? Floyd: ‘Scuse me? Brian: Where are we? Floyd: Downtown middle of nowhere dude. Greeeat. Dick: There’s fierce smoke coming from the engine… Keith: (sighs) Let’s investigate it then. Tash: Mr. Keith, this could be a problem, the area we are passing through is quite remote. Keith: Is that right Mr Tash? I would never have known. Sinead: Dad you know nothing about engines. Floyd: Like you sweet tits, I reckon it’s shagged. Sinead: Fuck you Floyd. Floyd: Sure! I go easy. Clare: What is that smell? Dick: Mneh, right, let’s have a look under here. Now, ‘snot looking too good it is. Ah shite! Tash: What is it Dick? Dick: I think I split me keks when I bent over there. Anyway, you might want ta make a few calls see if we can get us all back. Keith: Mmm, I don’t seem to have any coverage on my mobile. Guys can any of you make calls?! Captain Janeway: Status? All: Nooooo!! Brian: Hang on a second, I have a-cough, cough, cough… Wubba: Shwatup mowan! Ace: From the get-go, this was pre-planned very well. Floyd: We’re like, stranded in the Bermuda triangle or something dudes. Keith: For the love of science Dick, how could this happen! Dick: Dunno Professor, I got the bus off a very good friend of mine; Spike, n’ he told me this baby was in the best of nick. There’s an awful stink coming off her tho’. Ah that’s it… it looks like the big end has gone! This lump of junk isn’t going any further tonight. Hold on! What’s that under the engine? Strike alight it’s Spike’s damn cat! He must go asleep under the engine, well he’s made a right mess now. Stink of burnin’ fur! Ace: Oh Jay-zee, I’m going to hurl. Tash: Oh my God, that poor fuss fuss. Dick: We’ll have to hold fire, try and flag down the next thing that passes. Unfortunately for us it’s quare’n’late n’we’re halfway up the Aughavalley pass and I haven’t seen a thing on this road since we got on it! Floyd: I say we go explore! There’s bound to be someone living around here somewhere. And it’s going to be getting dark soon too. Ace: There goes the Neolithic sunset Mr Keith. Bummer! Keith: No, no, we stay here with the bus. Sinead: C’mon Dad where’s your sense of adventure! Clare: Don’t be so stupid Sinead, haven’t you seen the Blair Witch Project? Keith: I lost my sense of adventure along with having any semblance of my own life after you two came along. Dick: There is a Village tho’. I’d say from here it’s a couple of miles due east. But we’d have to trek through that aul’ forest over there. Ace: No way man, Deliverance freaked me out. Wubba: It’s dwa willage ow dw’dwammned. Sinead: You’re not gonna meet anything scarier in those woods than yourself Ace. You should take some time outta your bedroom from watchin’ weirdo movies. Brian: Yeah. Keith: We’ll stay here. Perhaps I can lecture you on the Neolithic tombs while we’re waiting and help pass the time. Floyd: I say we take a vote, majority rules. Keith: We are on an official school excursion here. That means I am the person in authority here and am telling you all we’re staying put! Sinead/Clare: Daaaad! Keith: Richard Dawkins give me strength! Right, so we vote then… Floyd: Woaho! Okay then. Brian: (Searching in his voluminous bag) it’s in here somewhere… Ace: Seriously Bubbles. Do you need all that crap? This is only a night-time day trip… Keith: All in favour of the totally insane option of wandering into the woods in the middle of the night; raise your hands? Brian: Hihihiheee. Floyd: That settles it to the woods we go! Dick: I’ll grab some torches and stuff. Floyd: Got any Rizlas in there? Dick: Ok, you don’t wanna look in there… Keith: Remind me to commit myself to an asylum on our return to civilisation. Floyd: Hey guys this isn’t so bad, I can spark one up on the way through. Brian: How far up in the hills are we? The air seems very thin. (Wheeze). Tash: We are in fact two metres below sea level because it is a valley you wheezing bagpuss! Brian: Wheeze! Tash: A valleeee Brian, a valleeee! Brian: Whatcha sayin’? Tash: GLACIATION! (Echoes around the valley) Norman Tash’s indignant bellow rebounds throughout the Aughavalley Pass, making its way up the nether reaches of the Ballygannorn Woods… UCLS II (Toe) is an Amplevoicepod ear-film production. A feature-length and full-foley aural feast. If you go down to the woods today, you might witness men without a foot to stand on. A college trip takes a bad turn up the Aughavalley Pass when the bus breaks down, causing the University College Loughfeg State cohort to overnight in a desolate cabin in the heart of woods, woods known locally as 'Bunsen-land'. Concobhar, Cornelius and Silas Bunsen are waiting for you. You better bring your medicine and GPS. Whose feet are those? Why are they locked in a wardrobe? Who has daddy issues? Find out as Floyd Frisbane, Accursis 'Ace' Byrne, Brian 'Bubbles' Waterbury, Professor Keith, Norman Tash, Sinead & Clare Chisel and Dick Soupe the Janitor all return in 'U.C.L.S. Toe'. Mind your feet on the floorboards now. Amplevoicepod does ear-film podcasting. Podcasts with bite. We are not your friend. We create audio adventures, explicit content. It's probably not for you. It takes patience, to love our strange stories. So be warned... Maybe just ignore us... Amplevoicepod: Podcasting done right. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia.
An awesome time travel adventure with Tucker Peacock & The Time Fiddler (the creator of the Shanks & the Chronal Fidula). Sending them careering through space time in a portaloo to romance Namorita in Atlantis, survive with Livia in ancient Rome & escape the Twinpaws in the Kingdom of Busher... Tucker: "You may not care about the world beyond your windows. But I’m not going to take it anymore! Time travel is real. Extra-terrestrials exist. I don’t get as much time as I used to for messing around on the internet until all hours of the morning though as I’ve got a full time job. But when I do have time I log on to Above Top Secret dot com. Through this and being a keen Fortean Times reader, I have felt compelled to find out for myself answers about visitations to earth by Unidentified flying objects. My name is Tucker Peacock and this is my name badge. I work full time for Fartronics computer store and in my spare time I’m a flying saucer seeker." Tucker: "The party lasted long past sunset. At one point I saw a man sodomise another man with a radish. Not even the horses were safe from wondering slave penis! They started passing around some sort of hallucinogenic drugs and stripped off whatever clothes they had left and started dancing around... It was quite like some parties I had been to in the 90’s actually." Original characters & fun-filled explicit storytelling in full-foley HD audio. Streaming our oddcast now on all good audiophilic emporia. © Copyright Amplevoicepod
The 2019 AFL Finals are here and Jesse & Busher from True Footy are here to preview the first week as well as react to some of the recent AFL awards.
It's the final month of the 2019 AFL Season and the ladder predictions are rife going into finals. Jesse, Busher & Joycey get together to discuss all the hot topics.
We're ten rounds into the 2019 AFL Season, and Jesse and Busher are here to talk about it all.
Its time for the SUPER BOWL THREAT DRAFT!! Dave an Matt square off and discuss their three favorite teams to win it all. Dave “Dougie Bush” Busher joins the pod to share his insights on the sporting world. #5Downs 1st down: Super Bowl Threat Draft (1:17) 2nd down: Visions through the Bush (4:51) feat. […]
Jesse, Joycey & Busher discuss the new rules being discussed for next years AFL's season, the way the AFL landscape could look in the future and take a hard look at where the Gold Coast Suns have gotten themselves.Please like, comment & subscribe to keep up with our podcasts and other content.ALSO AVAILABLE on your Podcasts app!1:32 - Secret training sessions3:37 - Changing the rules in the AFL19:15 - Red cards in footy?23:24 - Jeremy Cameron's hit on Harris Andrews31:07 - Equalisation & the Gold Coast Suns41:03 - What's your ideal AFL future?47:20 - Fremantle and Ross Lyon50:27 - Last year's draft56:57 - WORST TWEET OF ALL TIME
Joel Busher is a Research Fellow at the Centre for Trust, Peace and Social Relations (CTPSR), Coventry University. His research examines, 1) the social ecology of political violence and anti-outsider politics, and 2) the implementation of counter-terrorism policy and its societal impacts. His work centres on the micro- and meso-level processes of collective action – the rituals that shape and comprise our everyday lives; the cognitive and moral orders that we make, break and patch together again; and the emotional rules and rhythms of our lives – and how these give rise to, exacerbate or mitigate divisive social relations. In his work on anti-minority mobilisations he addresses questions about how and why people become involved in anti-minority protest, and what sustains, energises or undermines such protests. His book, The Making of Anti-Muslim Protest: Grassroots Activism in the English Defence League (Routledge) was joint winner of the British Sociological Association’s Philip Abrams Memorial Prize, 2016. His other current research interests include: the processes of interactive escalation, non-escalation and de-escalation between movements, counter-movements and the state; the implementation of the Prevent duty in schools and colleges in England and Wales; and how Brexit is playing out in British ‘expat’ communities living in Spain. Some research that has influenced Joel's career Kathleen M. Blee (2012). Democracy inthe Making: How Activist Groups Form. Deborah B. Gould (2009). MovingPolitics: Emotion and ACT UP’s Fight Against AIDS. Roger Hewitt (2005). White Backlash and the Politics of Multiculturalism Some of Joel's key research What the Prevent duty means for schools and colleges in England: An analysis of educationalists’ experiences. With Tufyal Choudhury, Paul Thomas, P. and Gareth Harris (2017) The Making of Anti-Muslim Protest: Grassroots Activism in the English Defence League. (2016) Micro Moral Worlds of Contentious Politics: A Reconceptualization of Radical Groups and Their Intersections with One Another and the Mainstream. With John F. Morrison (In Press)
Interview: Football Captains Schimpf & Busher by Archbishop Alter High School
Sean Busher is a conceptual advertising photographer. In his photography he incorporates a lot of CGI which gives him an advantage above others. He talks about how he and his teammate Peter worked their way to a type of photography where your imagination is the only limitation. See his website at www.seanbusher.com
Guest DJ: Jerry Busher (Fidelity Jones, Elevator, All Scars, Fugazi, French Toast, Funk Ark) |Playlist:...Happy Go Licky - Cutthroat Answer |999 - Feelin' Alright with the Crew |Butthole Surfers - Hey (Live) |Meters - Chicken Strut |Dead Kennedys - Chemical Warfare |John Fahey - Dance of the Inhabitants of the Invisible City of Bladensburg |Meta-matics - KKKlown |Fugazi - Closed Captioned (Live at the Paradiso, Amsterdam 9-16-99) |Hnatiw - Moving In and Out |Jerry Busher - How It Goes |
Good morning/afternoon/evening !!! Mr. Retalin is back & presenting to you brand new deep house episode called EPIC. I hope you'll enjoy it and don't forget to feedback on iTunes or dj_psyholirik@hotmail.com Also keep it locked on ссылка Epic is one of the oldest and widely popular poetic genres in the world. Epic is a traditional form of narrative poetry that portrays heroic deeds of great heroes in a war or adventure and the intervention of Gods and Goddesses on human life. This is a very long poem that uses elevated or majestic language- meaning formal language. Culture and history of a nation or race is often reflected in an epic. For example, Greek poet Homer's great epics – Iliad and Odyssey- are vastly based on Greek mythology and thus it reflects the Greek culture. The same thing goes to Indian epics Ramayana and Mahabharata through which Indian culture is revealed. Iliad is based on the Trojan War or battle of Troy and thus it reflects history too. Moreover, Epic can also illustrate the founding of a nation. For instance, in Latin Epic Aeneid by Virgil, it is shown how legendary character Aeneas, an inhabitant of Tory, founded Italy and became the ancestor of the Romans. Almost every language in the world has its own epic like Iliad and Odyssey in Greek, Ramayana, and Mahabharata in Sanskrit, Beowulf in English etc. Great heroic, war, Gods and Goddesses are some of the common features of epic poetry in any language. Heroes, who are centered in the story of an Epic, are often portrayed as the sons of Gods and Goddesses. In an Epic, a hero is often involved in a war or adventure or journey and encountered with various obstacles, sometimes even created by the Gods and Goddesses. The hero overcomes all the obstacles, sometimes with the help of Gods and Goddesses, in order to win the war or finish the journey or reach the goal, by showing his heroic and portraying some morals that are highly valued in that particular society. The journey, war or adventure often leaves a mark in their later life. Tracklist : 1. Martin Dawson - Sunday Smoking (Original Mix) 2. Julio Bashmore - Battle For MIddle You 3. Juliet Sikora - Plastique Dreams 4. Busher & Kessidis - Lowdown 5. Guilio Andreini - The Message 6. Evgen Ulusoy - Fade To Blonde 7. Claire Ripley - Reuben Von Pueben 8. Sven VT - Ever Since You Come 9. Lauer & Canard - You've Got Me Down 10. Kidro - The Last Days of DIsco (Original Mix) 11. Alessio Mereu - Acted (Original Mix) 12. Pablo Bolivar - Cool Down 13. Eelke Kleijn & Sebastian Davidson - Breakfast 050 14. Martin Dawson - Submerge (Original Mix) 15. Ekkohaus - Morning Shuffle 16. Sebastian San - Shades 17. Satore - WIld Tide (Ordell Remix) 18. Demetrio Giannice - November 19. Andreas Bergmann - Extra Vierge (Navar Remix) 20. Busher & Kessidis - Time (Album Edit) 21. Andreas Bergmann - Extra Vierge 22. Gorge - Erotic Soul (Marc Romboy Remix) 23. Samuel L Session - The Organ Track (Carl Lio Remix)
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