Podcasts about humph

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 25, 2025

Negotiating With Isabella.Based on a post by Ostrich Mack. Listen to the ► Podcast at Steamy Stories.Sex sells: Isabella's New Skills.Isabella Cobelli admired her reflection in the mirror. As you could guess from the name, Isabella had Italian roots.Her father emigrated from Italy in the eighties and met and married Isabella's English mother.Isabella was an only child and after her father passed away suddenly when she was 14, she became very close to her mum.Now 23 years old and graduated with an honors degree in marketing, she had matured into a beautiful young woman. Isabella had Raven-black straight hair which hung all the way down to the small of her back. She often wore it in a French plait which meant her pretty face was plain to see.Isabella had light olive skin and funnily enough an sprinkling of freckles across her nose. Her hazel colored eyes were almond shaped and her eyebrows were thicker than was considered classical beauty. Her lips looked eminently kissable.Today Isabella had chosen a slightly daring red lipstick to emphasize the shape of her pretty mouth.Her outfit was business-like and sexy at the same time. Thigh high stockings under a grey pencil skirt, topped by a matching Bolero jacket over a semi sheer impeccable white blouse. Isabella liked to dress in pretty underwear and had chosen a half-cup lace bra and matching thong. To complete the look, she had chosen two inch heels in black to give her a little more height than her 1 meter 65.So, why all this bother to get all dressed up? After graduating Isabella tried to break into a marketing job. As the economy was in a major dip, jobs in marketing were few and far between. In fact marketing experts were all looking over their shoulders, hoping not to get their exit cards.Isabella got a job eventually in sales. Not her strongest point and she hated when people assumed that sales and marketing were one and the same. ECO-Hygiene was an up and coming supplier of Eco-friendly products for industrial use.After two months there Isabella's sales figures were under target, and she was concerned that she might just get her marching orders if she didn't at least hit her goals. As a newcomer she was assigned an area in which her predecessor had failed to drum up enough business. This geographically difficult area lay half in the urban sprawl of London and half in the leafy suburbs of Sussex. Isabella was struggling and desperate to get some decent sales under her belt. Thus, what a relief it was when, two weeks ago, all of the sales reps were invited for a weekend sales seminar in one London's prestigious hotels. All of this on their free time of course.After checking in on Friday evening, Isabella decided to have one glass of wine at the bar to see if there was any male talent attending the seminar. For some reason, despite her beauty, she didn't seem to be able to hold down a relationship for long. Men of her own age bored her. They were mostly full of themselves and only wanted to talk about their amazing feats. Isabella had missed a father for her formative years and found herself graduating towards more mature men. Problem there was that most of them were married, or un-marriable, or just plain creepy.As she sat at the bar observing the melee of sales reps loudly proclaiming their victories, Isabella was shocked when a woman sat next to her and offered her a drink."Kate", the woman said."Excuse me?" replied Isabella."Kate Connors. Senior sales director for South East" came the reply."Oh, nice to meet you." Said Isabella. "Isabella Cobrelli, My friends call me Izzy" she replied offering her hand to Kate who shook it firmly."So what do you think? Any talent in here tonight?" asked Kate.Isabella blushed."Aw come on", said Kate. "I know the drill. Been here many times and had my share of dalliances""Well" said Isabella "Up until now, not much interesting to see here. Just lot of guys full of themselves holding a pissing contest."Kate laughed out loud. "I like it" she said. "You call it as it is young lady.""What in god's name brings a beautiful woman like you to a sales conference for Industrial Hygiene products?""Well, it wasn't my first choice, and it may not be sexy, but it pays the rent." Answered Isabella."It should damn well do more than just pay the rent." Answered Kate. "What are your sales figures like?" she asked.Isabella blushed once more. "It's a struggle." She answered. "I haven't been able to score any big accounts yet and I am worried I might not hit the target.""Well maybe I can help you." Replied Kate. "After all I didn't get my position by not meeting my sales targets.""Tell me your tactics." Kate asked."Well, I like to dress in a business attire so that I look serious about the product. I make sure I know all of the specs of the particular products that I want to sell on the day, so I am well prepared for the pitch. But somehow it just seems to fall flat when I am there.""What is business attire?" Kate asked."Trouser suit with a nice blouse. Low heels for practicality." Isabella replied."Humph," snorted Kate. "No wonder that the presentations fall flat. You need to make it personal. Sure, you should be all business, but you need to be sexy too. Let me guess, most of the clients are 45 plus males bored out of their minds. You need to give their day a boost. Bring something that gets their attention, and not just the product. Don't forget there are a so many industrial hygiene products on the market, and they all do the same thing. You need to make the men want to see YOU again."Isabella listened carefully to this charismatic woman, totally in awe of her self-confidence. She quietly wished she could be like her.Kate continued. "I have done all sorts to get my sales figures up, including entertaining the clients in the broadest possible sense. These men have a boring married vanilla life. They crave excitement and attention. While their wives are away at the Rotary Club organizing charity things, the men are sitting home bored out of their skulls. Work is the same thing day after day until YOU show up. Not in a pantsuit and a blouse laced up to the neck, but in something which gives their fantasy food for thought. The women too. I have also put myself out there and entertained women."Isabella was shocked and blushed intensely. Kate was basically saying she should whore herself out to get the sale."Women too?" she asked shyly."Don't knock it till you've tried it." Replied Kate. "I have had amazing encounters with women too. And though I am not gay, I do enjoy a dally with the softer sex. Haven't you ever experimented in college?"Isabella felt like she was turning purple. "No. Never." She replied."Well play your cards right and tonight might be the first night." Kate replied.Isabella was shocked and turned on at the same time.What if she could seduce her regional sales manager? She thought. That might go some way to keeping her job.Kate signaled the bartender. "A bottle of champagne." She ordered. The bartender nodded and made a gesture toward a booth on the other side of the bar.Kate wasted no time and took Isabella's hand in hers, dragging her across the bar.The sat next to each other, watching the show.Kate turned to Isabella. "Drink up. The show has just begun. Just watch how stupid it gets."Isabella took a sip of her glass and sat back to observe. "Idiots," she thought. "Tomorrow they will be too hungover to follow the seminar."The buzz from the champagne made Isabella relax and she began to fire more questions at Kate."What did you do with all those male clients then?" she asked."Everything." Replied Kate. "From flirting to blow jobs, from blow jobs to sex, to threesomes, to gang bangs. Just as long as I got my sales. My commissions were huge, I bought my house and car for cash with everything I earned. Men are stupid. They think with their dick, and once that is engaged then they will sign anything.""And the women then?" asked Isabella."Ah that is a different story." Kate replied. "That needs a lot more subtlety.""I can show you if you want." Kate offered.Isabella though about it for some minutes, whilst watching the meat market in front of them."Okay." She said. "Show me."Kate turned to her in shock. "Really?" She asked."Yes really." Isabella replied. "I have nothing to lose and everything to gain from your experience. And besides, for some reason the thought of it makes me horny.""Right." Said Kate. "Let's take this upstairs."Kate took Isabella by the hand and lead her to the lifts. They stepped in together and Kate pushed the button for the top floor. As soon as the lift doors closed, she took Isabella in her arms and kissed her gently on the lips. Isabella swooned from the alcohol and the excitement of this new adventure. It didn't take long before she responded to Kate, kissing her passionately back, her tongue exploring Kate's mouth.Kate moaned with pleasure. "Umm; Hmm. You're good at this. Sure you haven't tried this before?"Isabella grinned and said. "Definitely not. Good catholic upbringing don't you know."They arrived at Kate's floor and exited the lift. Kate's suite was just a few meters away, and when they got there Kate fumbled to get the key to work. Isabella took the key from her gently and held it against the lock. She was amazingly calm, determined to enjoy the ride wherever that might take her.Laughing, both Kate and Isabella fell through the door into the suite. Isabella couldn't help but be impressed. "So, this is what a Senior regional manager gets," she thought. "Not bad at all."There was a bottle of champagne on ice on the hall table and Kate proceeded to open it.She poured two glasses and passed one to Isabella. "Cheers Izzy." She said, raising her glass."Cheers." Isabella replied.Kate took a draught and put her glass on the table. She took Isabella in her arms and kissed her passionately on the lips. Isabella responded with her tongue and soon they were locked in a passionate embrace.Kate opened the buttons on Isabella's blouse one by one until it was completely open.She pushed the blouse back over Isabella's shoulders leaving er bra exposed. Kate bent forward and kissed Isabella's tits through the bra. Isabella held her breath, not knowing how she would react.She was surprised that it really turned her on to have all this attention to her tits. She felt her panties getting moist.Isabella decided to take some initiative herself, and opened the buttons on Kate's blouse. Kate groaned in anticipation. Isabella rubbed her thumb over Kate's right nipple and then over the left. Kate groaned even harder. Isabella moved her finger under the fabric of Kate's bra and pinched gently with her thumb and forefinger on Kate's nipples.Kate moved her arms around Isabella's back and unclasped her bra, freeing her 32c tits. Isabella's nipples were hard as bullets. Kate couldn't resist and lowered her mouth on first one and then the other nipple.Isabella felt a shockwave go through her whole body. Her juices were now flowing freely and she felt her panties get dripping wet. Not to be outdone she released Kate's 36 c tits from their restraint and copied Kate's sucking and licking.Kate almost crumpled at the knees. For a first timer Isabella sure learned quickly."Wait." She said. "Let's take this to the bed.""Yes please." said Isabella.They half stumbled to the bed, taking their skirts off in the process.Isabella stood before Kate with only her panties and her thigh high stocking still left on. Her cunt was on fire and leaking like a fire hydrant. Her juices were running down her thighs.Kate took a moment to admire this beautiful woman in front of her before slowly rolling her panties down her thighs, over the stockings and down to the floor.Isabella stepped out of her panties. She lay down on the bed, her hand demurely over her cunt.Kate knelt down at the side of the bed and removed Isabella's hand from her cunt. Kate sat admiring the neatly trimmed cunt in front of her, all the while sniffing the scent of Isabella's sex.Isabella was panting with desire. Her cunt on fire, her juices flowing freely and her nipples hard and sore. The anticipation of what was about to happen was excruciating.And then. Kate leaned forward and drew her tongue slowly from the bottom of Isabella's lips. Slowly licking and penetrating Isabella's sex.Isabella held her breath. Her heart was beating at 200 beats per minute, or so she thought.Kate was gentle. Each time drawing her tongue from under to above. Gently she penetrated Isabella with first one, and the two fingers. Isabella gasped.Kate moved once more upwards, and this time stopped at Isabella's clit. She gently licked at Isabella's love bud taking it gently between her lips and massaging it with her tongue.Inside Isabella something exploded. Her brain seemed to short circuit and her legs began to tremble uncontrollably. Her hands grabbed the back of Kate's head and pushed her harder into her cunt. Her orgasm was coming and there was nothing going to stop it.A tsunami of electric shocks shot through Isabella's body. There was no more control. Her muscles and nerves exploded in ecstasy and her juices simply spurted out of her cunt. Isabella screamed her orgasm out as hard as she could. It was an animalistic sound which she had never heard before.

Peter's Play Dates: Part 5

Christianityworks Official Podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 25, 2025

Negotiating With Isabella.Based on a post by Ostrich Mack. Listen to the ► Podcast at Steamy Stories.Sex sells: Isabella's New Skills.Isabella Cobelli admired her reflection in the mirror. As you could guess from the name, Isabella had Italian roots.Her father emigrated from Italy in the eighties and met and married Isabella's English mother.Isabella was an only child and after her father passed away suddenly when she was 14, she became very close to her mum.Now 23 years old and graduated with an honors degree in marketing, she had matured into a beautiful young woman. Isabella had Raven-black straight hair which hung all the way down to the small of her back. She often wore it in a French plait which meant her pretty face was plain to see.Isabella had light olive skin and funnily enough an sprinkling of freckles across her nose. Her hazel colored eyes were almond shaped and her eyebrows were thicker than was considered classical beauty. Her lips looked eminently kissable.Today Isabella had chosen a slightly daring red lipstick to emphasize the shape of her pretty mouth.Her outfit was business-like and sexy at the same time. Thigh high stockings under a grey pencil skirt, topped by a matching Bolero jacket over a semi sheer impeccable white blouse. Isabella liked to dress in pretty underwear and had chosen a half-cup lace bra and matching thong. To complete the look, she had chosen two inch heels in black to give her a little more height than her 1 meter 65.So, why all this bother to get all dressed up? After graduating Isabella tried to break into a marketing job. As the economy was in a major dip, jobs in marketing were few and far between. In fact marketing experts were all looking over their shoulders, hoping not to get their exit cards.Isabella got a job eventually in sales. Not her strongest point and she hated when people assumed that sales and marketing were one and the same. ECO-Hygiene was an up and coming supplier of Eco-friendly products for industrial use.After two months there Isabella's sales figures were under target, and she was concerned that she might just get her marching orders if she didn't at least hit her goals. As a newcomer she was assigned an area in which her predecessor had failed to drum up enough business. This geographically difficult area lay half in the urban sprawl of London and half in the leafy suburbs of Sussex. Isabella was struggling and desperate to get some decent sales under her belt. Thus, what a relief it was when, two weeks ago, all of the sales reps were invited for a weekend sales seminar in one London's prestigious hotels. All of this on their free time of course.After checking in on Friday evening, Isabella decided to have one glass of wine at the bar to see if there was any male talent attending the seminar. For some reason, despite her beauty, she didn't seem to be able to hold down a relationship for long. Men of her own age bored her. They were mostly full of themselves and only wanted to talk about their amazing feats. Isabella had missed a father for her formative years and found herself graduating towards more mature men. Problem there was that most of them were married, or un-marriable, or just plain creepy.As she sat at the bar observing the melee of sales reps loudly proclaiming their victories, Isabella was shocked when a woman sat next to her and offered her a drink."Kate", the woman said."Excuse me?" replied Isabella."Kate Connors. Senior sales director for South East" came the reply."Oh, nice to meet you." Said Isabella. "Isabella Cobrelli, My friends call me Izzy" she replied offering her hand to Kate who shook it firmly."So what do you think? Any talent in here tonight?" asked Kate.Isabella blushed."Aw come on", said Kate. "I know the drill. Been here many times and had my share of dalliances""Well" said Isabella "Up until now, not much interesting to see here. Just lot of guys full of themselves holding a pissing contest."Kate laughed out loud. "I like it" she said. "You call it as it is young lady.""What in god's name brings a beautiful woman like you to a sales conference for Industrial Hygiene products?""Well, it wasn't my first choice, and it may not be sexy, but it pays the rent." Answered Isabella."It should damn well do more than just pay the rent." Answered Kate. "What are your sales figures like?" she asked.Isabella blushed once more. "It's a struggle." She answered. "I haven't been able to score any big accounts yet and I am worried I might not hit the target.""Well maybe I can help you." Replied Kate. "After all I didn't get my position by not meeting my sales targets.""Tell me your tactics." Kate asked."Well, I like to dress in a business attire so that I look serious about the product. I make sure I know all of the specs of the particular products that I want to sell on the day, so I am well prepared for the pitch. But somehow it just seems to fall flat when I am there.""What is business attire?" Kate asked."Trouser suit with a nice blouse. Low heels for practicality." Isabella replied."Humph," snorted Kate. "No wonder that the presentations fall flat. You need to make it personal. Sure, you should be all business, but you need to be sexy too. Let me guess, most of the clients are 45 plus males bored out of their minds. You need to give their day a boost. Bring something that gets their attention, and not just the product. Don't forget there are a so many industrial hygiene products on the market, and they all do the same thing. You need to make the men want to see YOU again."Isabella listened carefully to this charismatic woman, totally in awe of her self-confidence. She quietly wished she could be like her.Kate continued. "I have done all sorts to get my sales figures up, including entertaining the clients in the broadest possible sense. These men have a boring married vanilla life. They crave excitement and attention. While their wives are away at the Rotary Club organizing charity things, the men are sitting home bored out of their skulls. Work is the same thing day after day until YOU show up. Not in a pantsuit and a blouse laced up to the neck, but in something which gives their fantasy food for thought. The women too. I have also put myself out there and entertained women."Isabella was shocked and blushed intensely. Kate was basically saying she should whore herself out to get the sale."Women too?" she asked shyly."Don't knock it till you've tried it." Replied Kate. "I have had amazing encounters with women too. And though I am not gay, I do enjoy a dally with the softer sex. Haven't you ever experimented in college?"Isabella felt like she was turning purple. "No. Never." She replied."Well play your cards right and tonight might be the first night." Kate replied.Isabella was shocked and turned on at the same time.What if she could seduce her regional sales manager? She thought. That might go some way to keeping her job.Kate signaled the bartender. "A bottle of champagne." She ordered. The bartender nodded and made a gesture toward a booth on the other side of the bar.Kate wasted no time and took Isabella's hand in hers, dragging her across the bar.The sat next to each other, watching the show.Kate turned to Isabella. "Drink up. The show has just begun. Just watch how stupid it gets."Isabella took a sip of her glass and sat back to observe. "Idiots," she thought. "Tomorrow they will be too hungover to follow the seminar."The buzz from the champagne made Isabella relax and she began to fire more questions at Kate."What did you do with all those male clients then?" she asked."Everything." Replied Kate. "From flirting to blow jobs, from blow jobs to sex, to threesomes, to gang bangs. Just as long as I got my sales. My commissions were huge, I bought my house and car for cash with everything I earned. Men are stupid. They think with their dick, and once that is engaged then they will sign anything.""And the women then?" asked Isabella."Ah that is a different story." Kate replied. "That needs a lot more subtlety.""I can show you if you want." Kate offered.Isabella though about it for some minutes, whilst watching the meat market in front of them."Okay." She said. "Show me."Kate turned to her in shock. "Really?" She asked."Yes really." Isabella replied. "I have nothing to lose and everything to gain from your experience. And besides, for some reason the thought of it makes me horny.""Right." Said Kate. "Let's take this upstairs."Kate took Isabella by the hand and lead her to the lifts. They stepped in together and Kate pushed the button for the top floor. As soon as the lift doors closed, she took Isabella in her arms and kissed her gently on the lips. Isabella swooned from the alcohol and the excitement of this new adventure. It didn't take long before she responded to Kate, kissing her passionately back, her tongue exploring Kate's mouth.Kate moaned with pleasure. "Umm; Hmm. You're good at this. Sure you haven't tried this before?"Isabella grinned and said. "Definitely not. Good catholic upbringing don't you know."They arrived at Kate's floor and exited the lift. Kate's suite was just a few meters away, and when they got there Kate fumbled to get the key to work. Isabella took the key from her gently and held it against the lock. She was amazingly calm, determined to enjoy the ride wherever that might take her.Laughing, both Kate and Isabella fell through the door into the suite. Isabella couldn't help but be impressed. "So, this is what a Senior regional manager gets," she thought. "Not bad at all."There was a bottle of champagne on ice on the hall table and Kate proceeded to open it.She poured two glasses and passed one to Isabella. "Cheers Izzy." She said, raising her glass."Cheers." Isabella replied.Kate took a draught and put her glass on the table. She took Isabella in her arms and kissed her passionately on the lips. Isabella responded with her tongue and soon they were locked in a passionate embrace.Kate opened the buttons on Isabella's blouse one by one until it was completely open.She pushed the blouse back over Isabella's shoulders leaving er bra exposed. Kate bent forward and kissed Isabella's tits through the bra. Isabella held her breath, not knowing how she would react.She was surprised that it really turned her on to have all this attention to her tits. She felt her panties getting moist.Isabella decided to take some initiative herself, and opened the buttons on Kate's blouse. Kate groaned in anticipation. Isabella rubbed her thumb over Kate's right nipple and then over the left. Kate groaned even harder. Isabella moved her finger under the fabric of Kate's bra and pinched gently with her thumb and forefinger on Kate's nipples.Kate moved her arms around Isabella's back and unclasped her bra, freeing her 32c tits. Isabella's nipples were hard as bullets. Kate couldn't resist and lowered her mouth on first one and then the other nipple.Isabella felt a shockwave go through her whole body. Her juices were now flowing freely and she felt her panties get dripping wet. Not to be outdone she released Kate's 36 c tits from their restraint and copied Kate's sucking and licking.Kate almost crumpled at the knees. For a first timer Isabella sure learned quickly."Wait." She said. "Let's take this to the bed.""Yes please." said Isabella.They half stumbled to the bed, taking their skirts off in the process.Isabella stood before Kate with only her panties and her thigh high stocking still left on. Her cunt was on fire and leaking like a fire hydrant. Her juices were running down her thighs.Kate took a moment to admire this beautiful woman in front of her before slowly rolling her panties down her thighs, over the stockings and down to the floor.Isabella stepped out of her panties. She lay down on the bed, her hand demurely over her cunt.Kate knelt down at the side of the bed and removed Isabella's hand from her cunt. Kate sat admiring the neatly trimmed cunt in front of her, all the while sniffing the scent of Isabella's sex.Isabella was panting with desire. Her cunt on fire, her juices flowing freely and her nipples hard and sore. The anticipation of what was about to happen was excruciating.And then. Kate leaned forward and drew her tongue slowly from the bottom of Isabella's lips. Slowly licking and penetrating Isabella's sex.Isabella held her breath. Her heart was beating at 200 beats per minute, or so she thought.Kate was gentle. Each time drawing her tongue from under to above. Gently she penetrated Isabella with first one, and the two fingers. Isabella gasped.Kate moved once more upwards, and this time stopped at Isabella's clit. She gently licked at Isabella's love bud taking it gently between her lips and massaging it with her tongue.Inside Isabella something exploded. Her brain seemed to short circuit and her legs began to tremble uncontrollably. Her hands grabbed the back of Kate's head and pushed her harder into her cunt. Her orgasm was coming and there was nothing going to stop it.A tsunami of electric shocks shot through Isabella's body. There was no more control. Her muscles and nerves exploded in ecstasy and her juices simply spurted out of her cunt. Isabella screamed her orgasm out as hard as she could. It was an animalistic sound which she had never heard before.

Cáel Defeats The Illuminati: Part 4

ExplicitNovels

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 21, 2025

Rescue and patchwork relationship.B Book 3 in 18 parts, y FinalStand. Listen to the ► Podcast at Explicit Novels.Loving your enemy is easy, you know precisely where both of you stand(Right where we left off)The closest Marine had been waiting for me to finish my bonding moment with Menner before speaking. He walked and talked like an officer."You are certainly Mr. Cáel Nyilas," he nodded. "I'm Lt. Robeson, United States Marine Corps. I would like to take you and your party home. What is the situation?""Lieutenant, this young lady is Aya Ruger. She was kidnapped along-side me and managed to kill over twenty of our enemies, so be careful around her." I was deadly serious about what I said. Aya should get proper credit for all the people she sedated then drowned. Dead was dead, even if it was accidental."These two," I pointed to Zhen and Mu, "are Lúsìla ninda and Amar, Taiwanese nationals suffering some shock from the abrupt crash landing of the aircraft. They don't seem to know why they were kidnapped, but they were instrumental in aiding Aya and me making it to shore during the typhoon.""If you say so, Sir," he nodded. He did believe me, yet a soldier was taught to be skeptical of anything a civilian told him about a military situation. "The bodies?""Those are the corpses we found after the storm. I decided we should attempt to place them in your custody so you can figure out who they are," I suggested."Sir, I don't think we can let civilians keep their weapons aboard the flight," the Marine Lt. stated since I had both a pistol and submachine gun, Aya had her pistol and Zhen had her and Mu's blades. A Marine NCO sent a party to gather the dead."Marine, I am Cáel Nyilas, Irish diplomat, freebooter and Champion of the worst possible causes," I began my spiel."You probably have some orders concerning bringing me in alive. I am not so constrained and am more than willing to steal this aircraft and fly back to Hawaii without you. My team keeps their weapons, or you give me your best shot, right now," I met his gaze. He mulled over his options. Two Romanians and two Marines were starting to load the ad hoc body bags aboard the C-37B."Normally I don't take that kind of crap from a civilian and I don't want you to think I'm making an exception because of your Security Clearance. I'll let your people keep your weapons, but if something goes wrong, I'm shooting you first," he assured me."Done deal," I offered my hand and he shook it."Oh and Happy Tibetan Independence Day," he congratulated me."What?" I gasped. Rescue and patchwork relationships{6 pm, Sunday, August 17th ~ 22 Days to go}{11 pm Sunday, Aug. 17th (Havenstone Time)}{And just this once, 11am Monday, Aug. 18th Beijing Time}"Oh and Happy Tibetan Independence Day;, nice work.," the Marine congratulated me."What?""How is that possible?" muttered Mu."Yippee!! No more burning monks," Aya fist-pumped. Personally, I think she did that for the enjoyment of our guardians and to piss off Zhen and Mu just a tiny bit more.(Mandarin) "Brother," Zhen studied her brother's pained expression. "What has gone wrong?"(Mandarin) "The province of Tibet apparently has broken away," he groused. In English, to the Marine Lieutenant he repeated, "How is this possible?""I take it you didn't know Peace Talks had broken out?" he grinned. I doubted the Lt. bought my 'these are my two Taiwanese cobelligerents' story, but belief was above his pay grade, so he didn't give a shit."Yes," Mu mumbled, "we knew of the proposed cease-fire.""Yes, you mean both sides actually honored it?" I added. I really had been out things for a while."Nearly two days ago, noon, Peking Time, the People's Republic of China and the Khanate put a six month cease-fire into effect which has remained intact for forty-one," he looked at his watch, "forty-one and a half hours." He was being a cock to the petulant Mu. No one called Beijing 'Peking' anymore. I had even ordered Beijing Duck on several menus. Peking was the height of Western Imperialist thinking, or so it looked to Mu.(Mandarin) "He is yanking your chain, Mu," I explained. "You are looking pissed off at being rescued, which isn't doing my alibi for you much good.""My apology," Mu nodded to the lieutenant. "Is there any news from the Republic of China? Are they free as well?" That was nice of Mu to call Taiwan by its pet name, the ROC."Not yet," he patted Mu's unwounded leg, "but with the utter shellacking the Khanate put on the People's Navy (really the People's Liberation Army Navy, but the Marine was getting his shots in) it is only a matter of time."I had been translating in a low voice to the V nători de munte in order for them to keep up with the conversation. They all started laughing. The Marines joined in. There was a huge joke here that we had missed out on while stranded.(Romanian) "So, ask them if they know where their aircraft carrier is," Menner chuckled. Most Romanians had grown up knowing of only one China.Me: (Romanian) "What!"A Naval Corpsman who didn't know Romanian, but knew 'aircraft carrier' just fine jumped in: "Oh yeah, the missing Chinese Aircraft carrier," she chortled.Mu: "What!"I'd only been gone two and a half days. What the hell had been going on?(What had transpired in my absence and the subsequent consequences)(Notes:P R C = People's Republic of China; PLA = People's Liberation Army;P L A N = People's Liberation Army Navy;P L A A F = People's Liberation Army Air Force;R O C = the Republic of China {aka Taiwan, aka Chinese Taipei, aka the "other China"};The First Unification War {aka what the Khanate did to China in 2014};Truce lasts from August 16th 2014 until February 15th, 2015 = 183 days)There are several classic blunders grownups should know to avoid: never fight a land war in Asia, never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, and, if you are going to cross a master thief, first make sure you have nothing of value. For the land war in Asia, check with my partner, the Khanate. Substituting Black Hand for Sicilian ~ check with Ajax, use an Ouija board. So far, destiny was batting .500.The last blunder I created entirely on my own, but I felt it was the true and right response for the circumstances. So witness the Six Families of the Ninja and the greatest theft in all of recorded history.In the closing hours of the First Unification War, as in many wars, some serious theft was going on; mainly it was the People's Republic getting fleeced.The most obvious and immediate blows came in the Spratlys and Parcel Islands where Khanate forces (actually, elements from all the JIKIT players) seized the key island in the Parcel chain, Woody Island, and secured the P L A N base the Chinese had created there, including the 2,700 meter runway built there in the 1990's. The 1,443 Chinese civilians and 600 military inhabitants in the area were incidental complications and the survivors were about to be 'repatriated' to the mainland anyway; the Khanate didn't want them hanging around as they prepared for the inevitable end of the six-month truce.Yes, the Khanate had stolen the most important island airfield ~ an unsinkable carrier really ~ in the South China Sea. It was also the northern end of the potential People's Republic of China's stranglehold on the east-west sea lanes between East Asia and the rest of the World, i.e., roughly 25% of all global trade.The southern end? That would be the Spratlys. There are few 'real' islands in that 'island group' and only two worth having: the artificial one the P L A N was building and the one the ROC has a 1200 meter airfield on. That artificial island and every other PRC/P L A N outpost in the region was also stolen by the Khanate between 4 a.m. and noon of that final day of active conflict.Every geological feature that had been the basis for the PRC's claims to all of the South China Sea was now in Khanate hands. Considering how much the P L A N had bullied everyone else in that portion of the globe, the Khanate taking over their geopolitical position was incredibly awkward. It was going to get worse.Technically, the Khanate hadn't stolen the P L A N 'South Sea Fleet' (SSF); they'd blown the fuck out of it, including sinking the sole fully-functioning P L A N carrier Liaoning as well as five of the nine destroyers and six of the nineteen frigates in her battle group. The Liaoning and one destroyer had died in those last few hours as the SSF was racing for the relative safety of Philippine waters ~ so close, but no cigar.So the Khanate had stolen the ability of the P L A N to project power in the South China Sea until February 15th, 2015 when the U N brokered truce ended. But that was not the epic theft, though. That distinction went to the Ninja. What did they steal? A semi-functional Chinese nuclear powered super-aircraft carrier still under construction.The beast had no official name yet, but she was a 75,000 ton engine of Global Domination laid down in 2011 and clearly complete enough to float and to be steered under her own power. (To be on the safe side, the Ninja included stealing four tugboats to help in their getaway.) So, you may be asking yourself, how does one 'steal' a nuclear-powered, 1000 foot long, 275 foot wide and ten-story tall vessel?For starters, you need a plan to get on board the sucker. We had begun with the Black Lotus. They wanted to sneak onboard, exit the dockyard the ship was being built in, then sink it off the coast so it couldn't be easily salvaged. That was plan A.Enter the Khanate and their plans; they too wanted to sink this vessel, and destroy the dry docks while they were at it. That was plan B. Actually, the Khanate desire was to contaminate that whole section of the port city with fallout from shattered reactors. They knew they would have to apply overkill when they smashed that bitch of a ship because the PLAN had hurriedly put on board its defensive weaponry ~ ensuring that the Khanate couldn't easily destroy it. For their approach, Temujin's people wanted the Black Lotus' help with the on-the-ground intelligence work. But the Black Lotus didn't want to help anyone irradiate Chinese soil.Enter JIKIT as referee. All those islands the 'Khanate' was busy stealing were actually part of a larger JIKIT mission called Operation Prism. Another object that was a part of the overall plan was Operation Wo Fat, the sinking of the Liaoning ~ again GPS direction and distance to be courtesy of the Black Lotus.JIKIT absolutely needed the Black Lotus. The Black Lotus wouldn't help anyone planning on poisoning any part of China for the next thousand years. Sinking the unnamed and incomplete vessel off the coast in deep waters meant no nuclear leakage and plenty of post-war time to salvage the wreck before it did start to hemorrhage. The Khanate wanted to kill this potential strategic nightmare no matter what it cost the Chinese ecology.JIKIT went to the Ninja to help them adjudicate the issue. All the lights flared brightly in Ninja-Town when they heard of that delicate dilemma. They could make everybody happy and send a clear message to the Seven Pillars expressing how unhappy the six surviving families were about the 7P's trying to annihilate them when all of this 'unpleasantness' began.The Khanate was already going to blast the shipyards and docks, the Black Lotus was already going to sail the ship into deep waters, so why not take it one step further, sail the ship into Japanese waters and declare it Khanate property as a colossal Fuck You! to the PRC, PLAN and specifically the Seven Pillars, all at the same time?Now normally, you can't steal a ship that big. The owners will notice it is missing and come looking for it. And you can't sell or hide the damn thing. So, you steal it at the tail end of a war before the players can capture, or sink it. It just so happened the Ninja had access to a war and such a time table.The next problem: where do you put it? The Khanate's closest safe haven was 8,000 km away at the Eastern Mediterranean Seaport of Izmir.But wait!The Khanate was about to steal an island airbase with its own (albeit small) harbor. The Khanate was confident that a few weeks after the truce, an alternate port, or two, would become available for the two-to-three year process it would require to prepare the vessel so it could be commissioned as the true warship it was meant to be.So, how do you steal a well-guarded, humongous ship with its skeleton crew of 500? You need a distraction ~ a big one. Remember those Khanate airstrikes? They intended to destroy the dockyards anyway. Now all they had to do was 'miss' the carrier.They could do that. If you recall, to dissuade the Khanate from sinking the ship in the final days of the war, the PLAN had hastily put teeth on the thing by giving it all its pre-designed defensive weaponry and added jury-rigged radar and sonar systems. The carrier could defend itself if needed. With the new plan (C), the airstrikes could avoid those teeth, thus reducing the risk of losing their precious planes and pilots.A series of bombing runs and missile hits near the carrier would convince the PLAN admiral in charge to hurriedly put some distance between the ship and shore, Not out to sea. That would be stupid. Within the harbor, his weaponry could adequately defend his ship. And if she took serious damage, he could run her aground, so the vessel wouldn't really sink.The only problem was that out in the harbor, with everything exploding, he was away from the only ground security support available. That was when the Amazons, Black Lotus, Ninja and JIKIT mercenaries would make their move. How could they sneak up on such a big, important ship? By using the submarines the US Navy, the British Royal Navy and Japanese Defense Force were providing, of course.Note: As I stated earlier, Lady Fathom, Addison and Riki had wandered way off the reservation . By this time, if you were a Japanese, British, or American submarine commander in the Yellow Sea and you weren't part of this madness, you were insanely jealous of those who were.The missions JIKIT was sending them on were:-definitely Acts of War if they were ever discovered,-far more dangerous than any war game exercise they'd ever been part of, and-the ultimate test of their crews and equipment.These people weren't suicidal. They believed they were the best sneaks under the Seven Seas and now they could prove it ~ in 50 years when this stuff was declassified (if it ever was).For the one American, two British and four Japanese submarines inserting the assault teams, this whole mission had a surreal feel to it. They were transporting a packed assortment of women of Indian, Malaysian and Indonesian descent along with some very lithe Japanese ladies and gents, none of who talked a whole lot.There was a third group with the spooky women and spookier Japanese teams, and that group was scared shitless about the sudden turn their lives had taken. They were all former American and British servicewomen (to not tick off the Amazons too much) with carrier and/or nuclear reactor experience who had been RIFed (Reduction in Force, aka fired) in the past five years from their respective national navies.Around a week ago, they had all answered an advertisement by a logistics support corporation that was going to do a 'force modernization' in an unnamed country. They all knew that mean the Khanate. The job had been laid out as 'basically your old job with the addition of training the natives' and it included the promise of no combat.It was a guaranteed five year contract with an option for a year-to-year extensions for another five years if you desired to stick around. For that, you received your 'pay grade upon retirement + 20%', free room and board, private security, judicial protections and a $10,000 to $10,900 signing bonus. For many struggling military families, it was manna from Heaven and thousands were signing up.Then 72 hours ago, a different group from the same company came knocking on the women's doors. If you could come with them right then and there, they had a satchel of money, $100,000 to $109,000, tax free, and a Non-disclosure Agreement for you to sign. Sure, the deal sounded shady, but the money was very real.Twenty-four hours later those who accepted the money found themselves in a small fishing village on Ko Island, Japan. There some rather fiercely intense people outlined the job they were needed for. From a submarine, the assault teams would sneak aboard the carrier, neutralize the crew and then the new crew (them) would sail it to Jeju, Jeju Island, South Korea.At that point they would be allowed to stay with the vessel (preferred), or depart for a non-war zone of their choice. Both options came with another $100,000 to $109,000 payment. Anyone who declined this particular job would remain incognito on Ko Island for another 48 hours then be allowed to leave without the need to return their initial payment.Of the 312 job applicants, 293 volunteered for both the first and second parts of the assignment. With the technical and linguistic expertise of the Amazons and 9 Clan members that would be enough to get their prize to Jeju Island's temporary safety and then make the last leg to Woody Island and a more permanent anchorage.Besides the airstrikes to goad the carrier away from the wharves, all the Khanate had to do with the carrier was put three or four clearly Mongolian faces onboard when the various nations of the world came calling. After all, what was the public going to believe:, the Khanate had pulled off yet another daring (i.e., mostly JIKIT) Special Forces coup, just as they'd managed to do throughout this short war, or that 'Ninjas stole my Battleship, umm, carrier' stuff some PRC leaders were claiming? Forty-eight hours later the whole globe was able to watch the newly named Khanate supercarrier, the z Beg Khan, passing through Japanese territorial waters while being escorted by South Korean and Japanese warships.The PRC did complain to the United Nations over the 'theft' of both the carrier and 'their' islands, but the Security Council, led by the UK, could and would do nothing about the 'latest round of injustices heaped upon the People of China'. By the time the UN got around to doing nothing, the next round of JIKIT diplomacy was causing the PRC even greater headaches.That greatest theft, while remarkable in its own right, was really a sideshow to the reordering of the political order in Southeast Asia. The big winner wasn't the Khanate. And it certainly wasn't the mainland Chinese. No, the nations to immediately prosper were an unlikely pair, the Republic of India and the People's Republic of Vietnam (PRV). The Republic of China (R O C) was also getting its own small boost as well.By gambling their precious navy, India had become the largest power broker in the South China Sea's resource bonanza. She went from a minimal presence to being the critical ally of the Khanate and the 'big stick' (naval-wise) of Asia's new dynamic duo. The Indians had the only two functional aircraft carriers in the region and the Khanate had Woody Island with a mega-carrier number of planes sitting on it.Their combined naval aviation was not something any of the others powers wanted to mess with. The duo then sealed their supremacy by making the duo a trio. That third member was the PRV. Vietnam was the land-based logistical anchor of the three regional powers.Not only did Vietnam gain the prestige denied it for over two centuries, it redressed the P L A N humiliating treatment of their own navy for the past thirty years. The Khanate's naval aviation would shield Vietnam's economic exploitation of the Parcel Islands. The Indian Navy could counter anything the P L A N South China fleet could come at them with.Yes, the P L A N had two other fleets, the Northern and Eastern, but both had been put through their own 1001 levels of Hell by the Khanate's air power, plus they had to protect the Chinese heartland from Russia and North Korean ambitions. The South Koreans and Japanese were suddenly a very real threat from the East too. But for the time being, the Indians had the decisive edge.The final location for the z Beg Khan was an old familiar haunt for some Americans, Da Nang, PRV. It had the facilities, courtesy of the US military from the 1960's and 70's, to be the new base for the Khanate's Eastern Fleet and logistical hub for their naval aviation forces in the Parcel Islands.The Vietnamese were thinking with more than their testicles, as were the Indians. Sure, geopolitical clout was nice, yet that was only the icing on the economic cake that was the Parcel Island Accords. That hasty bit of JIKIT backroom dealings gave a 50% stake in the Parcels to the PRV.India got 20% of something she had 0% in a month ago. The Khanate gained a 20% stake for their audacity and the ROC gained 10% because the other three would protect its share from the PRC. Something was better than nothing and the three legitimate powers agreed to the deal because in less than six months, the PRC would be back in the game.The Indians and Vietnamese wanted the Khanate to stay interested in the region and the Taiwanese wanted to forge closer ties to the Khanate. That treaty was a 'no-brainer'. Within one week, the Vietnamese were strutting like peacocks and internal political opposition to the Indian intervention into the South China Sea in the Indian parliament was silent.The Spratly Islands was a tougher deal to work out within the six month timetable. There were more players ~ the Philippines, Malaysia, Brunei, Indonesia and Thailand (who had a non-functional carrier). The JIKIT deal gave everyone but the Indians a 10% piece of the huge natural gas, oil and fisheries pie and the Indians got 20% once more.The Philippines and Malaysia were both very opposed to this treaty; they believed they deserved a far larger portion of those regional resources. Indonesia and Thailand also felt they could hold out for a bigger slice and weren't happy with India getting so much for basically having a double handful of ships (34 actually) sailing about.That 'handful of ships' was the point JIKIT was trying to make. If the PRC beat the Khanate next year, did any of the players think the PRC would give them anything, even if they promised them more right now? Really? When the PLAN had the biggest guns, they hadn't respected any other claims to the region. Why would that change in the future?The reality was this: India would only stick around if they had the economic incentive to remain. Vietnam, the Khanate and the ROC were watching the clock and realized this was the best deal they would get. Brunei and the Philippines were also coming to that understanding. Brunei was tiny (thus easy to defend), very rich already and a good ally of the British.The Philippines had a very weak navy and a non-existent naval air force. They couldn't even enforce their current claims versus Brunei, much less confront the PLAN, or any other nation's current military. The Philippines was, sadly, relatively big and very poor. Its big traditional ally was the United States, and the US was currently busy doing 'not much' about the South China Sea situation.The world's biggest navy was partially taking up its traditional (and treaty bound) role of interposing itself between the North Koreans, PLAN/PLAAF and Russians arrayed near Japan and South Korea, or busily not 'ratcheting up tensions' in the region by sending more forces into the front lines.President Obama was urging dialogue and 'stepping back from the brink' even though every country in Southeast Asia felt the brink had already dissipated the moment the PRC was forced to accept the cease-fire. In this context, the Philippines had good reason to be feeling lonely at the moment.Bizarrely, both New Delhi and Hanoi were singing the praises of US Secretary of State John Kerry and the Rt. Honorable Phillip Hammond, Secretary for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs for the UK, for their deft handling of the crisis, thank you, Riki Martin and Lady Yum-Yum.Riki wasn't expecting any thanks. She was certain she'd be fired and imprisoned for the rest of her life. Lady Fathom Worthington-Burke was sure she'd get two additional knighthoods out of the deal, which would look very nice engraved on her tombstone. Javiera had long ago decided to face the music and go down with the ship, so to speak.The CIA's Addison Stuart already had her exit strategy. She was going to go work for the Khanate, building up their clandestine service when this whole mad scheme collapsed into recriminations and 'extreme sanctions'. Mehmet, Air Force Sr. Master Sgt. Billings and Agent-86 had all decided to go with her. Katrina had their escape plane on standby. Mehmet's family was already 'vacationing' in Canada.Anyway, the Republic of India, the Khanate, the Republic of China, the People's Republic of Vietnam (the Vietnamese were happy to already be getting half of the Parcel Island windfall), the Sultanate Brunei (Lady Fathom 'knew' some people and the Sultan was an autocratic Muslim ruler, just like the Great Khan) and the Philippines (because they had no other true choice) were all coming around to signing the Spratly Accords.Indonesia and Thailand were kind of waiting for a better deal. Malaysia was downright hostile, having gravitated toward the PRC over the past decade and been assured by the PRC a better apportionment would be their reward for upsetting the treaty process.The Great Khan's answer was simple. He publically threatened the Malaysian Federation in general and both the King (Sultan Abdul Halim of Kedah) and Prime Minister of Malay (Dato' Sri Najib Tun Razak) in particular with military action if they kept dragging their feet.He even told them how he'd do it. He'd butcher or expel every living thing in the states of Perlis and Kedah (~ 2.1 million people) and give those empty lands to Thailand to settle along with the added sweetener of Malaysia's 10% of the Spratlys. He would also invade Eastern Malaysia, taking the island state of Labuan for himself while giving Sarawak to Indonesia and Sabah to the Philippines if those to states agreed to the split.He'd also decimate their navy & air force before devastating every port city, just like he'd done to China. He'd already killed more than two million Chinese. What was another two million Malays to him? Also, Indonesia wanted Sarawak and the Philippines had claims on Sabah. While they were openly and publically defying the Great Khan's plan, could Malaysia really take the chance?What would India and Thailand do while this was going on? Thailand stated that it would protect its territorial integrity, whatever that meant. India wasn't returning Malaysia's phone calls while showing their populace re-runs of Malaysian violence against their Hindu minority, the bastards!To the world, the Indian Navy proclaimed it would 'defend itself and its supply lines' which was a subtle hint that they would shepherd any Khanate invasion force to their destination. Why would the Indians be so insensitive? The Malaysians were screwing up their deal to get 20% of both the Parcel and Spratlys wealth, that's why.If the Khanate went down, there was no way India could defend their claims (which they'd won by doing nothing up until now). Oh yeah, Vietnam began gathering up warplanes, warships, transport ships and troops for the quick (710 km) jaunt across the Gulf of Thailand to north-eastern Malaysia to kill Malaysians because Vietnam needed the Khanate to ensure their own economic future as well.That military prospect had a cascade effect, especially among the Indonesian military. If the Indian Navy remained active, the vastly more populous Western Malaysia couldn't reinforce the state of Sarawak. Sure, the Philippines was unlikely to conquer Sabah on their own, but all the Indonesians needed was for Sabah to be kept pre-occupied while their army took their promised territory, fulfilling a fifty year old dream of conquest/unification.The United Nations blustered. It wasn't that they didn't care, they did. They also cared about the deteriorating situations in Libya, Nigeria, Syria and Ukraine. The situation was complicated by the unwillingness of the permanent members of the Security Council, namely the PRC and Russia, to recognize the Khanate.In reverse, when those two tried to stick it to the Khanate, the UK stoically vetoed them. Why? Well, more on that later. Let's just say the Khanate was good for business in the European Union in general and the United Kingdom in particular because the Khanate was prepared to economically befriend the British. Ireland was being treated in a promising manner too. The United States,the United Nations?Let's just say that in the two months following the cease-fire, the Khanate bloodily and brutally solved the ISIS conundrum and the Donbass Crisis. When the smoke cleared, the Khanate had reintroduced the practice of impalement to the modern battlefield, driven the separatists from the Ukraine and was on the border with Israel and Jordan.Sure, the Ukrainians were stun-fucked by the Khanate's 'peace-keepers' going on a bloody rampage through the eastern rebellious regions, but they had delivered up peace by mid-September. Yes, the Russians were in an uproar about the impalements.As the Khanate spokesperson said, 'if they aren't your people, then it is not your problem' and 'there are no more Russians left alive in the Ukraine'. In fact, fewer than a thousand people, all armed insurgents, were executed in such a manner, but the terror created by the highly publicized killings had the effect of sending a hundred thousand people stampeding over the frontier into Russia proper.Next, the Khanate said it wanted to 'reexamine' the Crimean situation. There were Turcoman in that area and they weren't being treated well, or so it was claimed.Even as Russia and the Khanate were posturing in the Donbass, the Khanate struck in the Middle East. By the end of September, Syria and Lebanon had ceased to exist as organized entities. Most of those two countries as well as portions of western Iraq became Turkish provinces in the Khanate infrastructure. Northeastern Syria, southeastern Turkey and northern Iraq became the Khanate state of Kurdistan.It was a campaign reminiscent of the 13th century Mongol conquest, not a modern military struggle. Whole villages were eradicated. The entire Arab population of Mosul was exiled to the new territories in the East. The city was repopulated with Kurds from Turkey. Back in Turkey, those Kurds were replaced by Armenians from Azerbaijan, cauterizing another internal issue within the Khanate.Jordan was cautiously hopeful. Israel? "We don't seem to be having problems with Hezbollah anymore," with a shrug and "it could be worse." As for ISIS; there really was an Islamic State controlling more than half of Iraq and all of Syria now and it allowed no other pretenders to that distinction. By the time the world woke up to that reality though, the Great Hunt had happened and I was dealing with the consequences of that.A larger ideological and political matter was occurring in the United States, the United Kingdom (and to a limited extent Australia and Canada). The Ramshackle Empire (aka the Khanate) was just that ~ a Frankenstein nation fueled more by nationalistic pride and nostalgia for a Super-State (that only two living people had firsthand experience with) than an integrated armed forces and infrastructure.It may have been built upon more than a 13th century creation and two hundred years of real and imagined oppression. It did have long term planning and real genius driving it forward. Having throttled the PRC into giving them six precious months of peace to 'tidy up the backyard' (aka the Middle East and Russia) and forge a true nation, the Khanate was now hiring experts to aid them in the task.First and foremost, Temujin and the Earth & Sky had envisioned an armed state built upon military principles and discipline. Fate had delivered to them the means of their own salvation in the form of NATO's policy of disarmament and 'Reduction-In-Force' levels (RIFed).The US and UK had trained tens of thousands of male and female volunteers in their Armed Forces in infrastructure creation and management for the Afghanistan and Iraq campaigns. From 2010, those militaries had informed those experts that their services were no longer required. Unlike the shrinking militaries of the 1990's, there was no private sector to 'soak up' the majority of those personnel.The Earth & Sky had been working on the problem of nation-building on a time table and they kept coming up short. They had to fight to create their state first, so the all-important after-battle had been something their leaders dreaded. Temujin had been understanding about not everything being 100% ready. Few wars were fought that way.Then a young male Amazon of mixed Magyar ancestry talked history with the Earth & Sky representative to a seemingly inconsequential personage's funeral. A few critical E&S leaders (a minority, to be sure) immediately sought ways to cultivate this man into what was a ten year plan to open doors to the Amazons. Then that man saved the Great Khan's life and everything changed.Before the E&S had even remotely considered directly approaching the Amazons for help, the Amazons came knocking on their door. The Seven Pillars of Heaven had tried to kidnap a camp full of Amazon children ~ an assault on their future. The two secret societies were bound by one unique, fortunate idiot and a mutual thirst for vengeance.They were also directed by two incredibly foresighted, ambitious and brilliant people. In Katrina of Epona, the E&S elders found someone who equaled their hope to see the Seven Pillars humbled and humbled immediately. Moreover, these were the Amazons they were dealing with. Amazons always sought both lightning decisions and long term solutions.From the moment Iskender left his third meeting with Cáel Nyilas, Katrina put the fruits of the First Directive (the Amazons efforts to recruit militant outsider women) into overdrive. Havenstone had the apparatus in place to screen potential inductees. All they had to do was add a "can you suggest any other people who might be interested in this line of work" box to their employment forms.That brought men into the process in surprising numbers. The market was flush with military veterans having trouble readjusting to the civilian community. The Khanate wasn't hiring killers. They wanted ex-military and civilian police officers to create a national police force.They also wanted engineers and builders, cadres for their cadet corps and a whole range of specialist in jobs most of the Western World took for granted. The money came from off-shore accounts funded by Havenstone International. The employment opportunities came from Earth & Sky front companies operating in the UK and the US (and Israel, but that was another matter).They had already started hiring scores of civilian English-speaking experts to help build their newborn nation's infrastructure before the first blow landed. English hadn't been chosen out of any cultural bias. Relying on Russian and Chinese sources wasn't feasible, the Khanate wasn't overly linguistically gifted where distant tongues were concerned and, as pointed out, the English-speaking world had a glut of applicants.Now to the problem, there were people in the US and UK who weren't happy with their citizenry going to the Khanate and helping them to survive and thrive. These power groups wanted the Mongol-Turkish Empire to keep the resources flowing to the West, without any reciprocal commitment on their part.Imagine their surprise when some wonks at the State Department and Foreign Ministries found bundles of expedited passport requests to the (former) nations of Turkmenistan, Turkey, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Azerbaijan and Mongolia (and later Afghanistan and Iraq). The Department of Defense Ministry of Defense were discovering their former military personnel and civilian contractors with Security Clearances were heading the same way.Of all those destinations, only Mongolia and Kazakhstan were under any kind of 'Restricted Travel' advisories. Barring any coherent anti-Khanate strategy from their administrations, the bureaucracies were doing their jobs, with Havenstone exerting just enough influence to get the job done while flying beneath the radar.After JIKIT was created, the group had a US Senator greasing the wheels to get the requests expedited. In England, Lady Worthington-Burke shamelessly used the people at the other end of the O'Shea hotline to get the job done overseas. She did have to sell out a teammate, but that was what good boys were for ~ taking one for the team. (That would be me, if there was any misunderstanding.)When Cáel Nyilas was kidnapped under the watchful eye of the FBI (I wasn't sure how they got that bum-wrap), the whole situation exploded. The PRC didn't have me, yet promised they might produce me if certain concessions were made. According to Addison, I was worth 5,000 barrels a day of refined fuel oil and 50 tons of coal a month, and the Great Khan agreed to pay! Woot! I was loved by somebody who was a somebody.All that attention drove home some salient points. I was a noble scion of Ireland, Romania, Georgia and Armenia (in no particular order) and they all wanted to know why the US had let me be kidnapped. Didn't my president know I was a sacred national treasure? After JIKIT tracked down the bribes and clandestine activities to Chinese shell corporations, those powers wanted to know what sanctions would be applied.'But wait, wasn't I a private citizen?' my national leaders pleaded. Then the PRC made a case which boiled down to 'I had it coming for being a fiancé to Hana Sulkanen and a brother to the Great Khan', while ignoring me being snatched in the territorial US of A. Of course, they didn't claim to have actually done the kidnapping.Javiera was waiting on that one; 'What was their excuse for kidnapping a little US girl to force my compliance?' The furious Federal authorities even found two dead adult bodies and two digits from said child to add to the media frenzy. To prove I had migrated to fantasy land, the CNN journalist got it right ~ they had tortured the girl and I had killed two of them for it. Just ask the Romanian Army how lethal I could be.In a rare comment, Temujin informed the international press that he believed I was still alive. Why did he believe that? If I wasn't, they would have been able to spot the pile of dead enemy around me and my 'boon companion' (go Aya!) from orbit. Until they discovered this carnal pit from Hell, I was surely still alive.Just at the cusp of turning publically against the Mongol barbarians, the world suddenly got angry with their enemy, the PRC. The principal two Western regimes were paralyzed with indecision until my miraculous cry for help from the middle of the Pacific showed the world I was alive, had punished my enemies and rescued others from under the opponent's cruel thumb.Clearly if I started ranting against the People's Republic of China, my government would be rather peeved with me. I hadn't screwed a dozen poli-sci majors to miss out on that obvious situation. I behaved and hoped they wouldn't make me die from an embolism, or some other equally implausible cause.(DC is a marvel. 9 pm, Monday, August 18th. 21 days)I'd been dragged to DC, to honor promises made in Rome a week ago. I had another choice; I could have justifiably said I was still getting over my kidnapping ordeal. But that choice fucked over Javiera Castello, my boss at JIKIT (Joint International Khanate Interim Task force).That was how I ended up in a 'secret and secure' meeting with Tony Blinken, Deputy National Security Advisor (DNSA) and his experts. He was someone I didn't know. The rest, I'd had a verbal run-in with them after the Romanian bloodbath. I'd been cranky. I would hardly consider us to be on good terms now.All four experts were from the US State Department. They were foregoing their usual group of flunkies because this meeting wasn't really happening. All the participants were officially somewhere else, mostly not even in D.C. Had this soiree 'really happened', the Congressional sub-committees would have been able to request the minutes of Tony's meeting with members of JIKIT and:· Victoria Nuland, Ass. Sec. of State for European & Eurasian Affairs (ASSEEA)· Robert O. Blake Jr., Ass. Sec. of State for S & C Asian Affairs (ASSCAA)· Daniel R. Russel, Ass. Sec. of State for E. Asian and Pacific Affairs (ASSEAP)· Bill A. Miller, Director of the U.S. Diplomatic Security Service (DSS) (aka Big Willy)We made stiff, formal introductions (which signaled the utter lack of trust in the room.) Javiera hadn't wanted to put me through an interrogation this soon after my near-death experience, considering my snarky nature when stressed. The White House was putting the squeeze on her. The main player was Tony, who talked with the Leader of the Free World on a weekly, if not daily, basis.The Diplomatic Security Service people had successfully peeled off Pamela and my SD Amazons only after they agreed I could keep Aya. They tolerated me keeping the nine-year old girl despite the obvious fact she had gone through worse hardships than I had endured and was still packing her Chinese QSW-06 suppressed pistol.I had already fabricated and submitted my report on how I'd overcome a plane-full of rogue delinquents from the Forumi i Rinis Eurosocialiste t Shqip ris (Euro-socialist Youth Forum of Albania) bent on recruiting impressionable European socialites by accessing my Twitter account.That's right, the Albanians had it out for me. I reiterated that critical bit of data to the Department of Homeland Security when they questioned me on the veracity of my memories. The two ethnic Chinese I was found with? I thought they were from Taiwan, and they both appeared to be suffering from amnesia.I was already suffering repercussions from my pathological refusal to take life seriously. Javiera believed I was about to get a formal apology from Ferit Hoxha, Permanent Representative of Albania to the United Nations. Damn it! Now I had to do something nice for the Albanians. Maybe I'd offer them membership in the Khanate, full-statehood with an economic package to sweeten the deal.Yes, that was how Albania and Kosovo joined the Khanate, a product of my love for exaggeration and a little post-Ottoman solidarity over Tarator (cold soup made of yoghurt, garlic, parsley, cucumber, salt and olive oil with a side of fried squids), Tav Kosi (lamb meatballs) and Flia & Kaymak (a dessert I highly recommend).We had toasted the Pillars of Kanun (Albanian oral law and tradition): ~ Nderi (honor), Mikpritja (hospitality), Sjellja (Right Conduct) and Fis (Kin Loyalty), ~ and he promised to tell his people that I had Besa which was an Albanian-ism for being a man who would honor his word of honor (despite us being brought together by my lie). The shit-ton of financial and military aid I asked the Great Khan to sweeten the pot with might have helped as well.Later, Lady Yum-Yum told me that the military leaders of NATO called it a 'master-stroke' in neutralizing Comrade Putin's Russian-backed 'Greek threat

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Sundays at Saint Michaels: Part 1

ExplicitNovels

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 13, 2025

Multiple organs are played at the All Saints Sunday Eucharist.A Series in 17 parts, By Blacksheep. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. It's been a while, but now we return to our good friends at Saint Michael's CE church;"Dear Brothers & Sisters," Reverend Simon Morris stood in the pulpit and began his sermon."Well first of all, special thanks to Gordon for that fine voluntary and hymn, and to My wife's cousin, Miya, for playing the Gloria. We have an organist and an organist-in-training! As I'm sure you're aware, my wife Jenna, has kindly agreed to stand in for Raymond Wilson, the organist at Oakwood Road Methodist Church, who is recovering from surgery.Also as you may have noticed, we are joined by Reverend Horatius Fletcher, an old friend who mentored me back when I was studying for my degree in theology many, many years ago!"The man in question was sat behind the vicar, at the side of the organ and clad in full robes. He looked a lot older than he probably was. He smiled and nodded. "You were a good student; well, most of the time!"A chorus of sniggers erupted from the assembled congregation."Did he step out of a Dickens novel?" someone whispered. "He's got the perfect name for one.""From the look of him, he was an old 'un when Queen Victoria were a mere slip of a girl!" came the witty reply.The fella in the pew behind them added; "Aye, he listened to one too many sermons. That's what we'll look like by the end of this service.""And now we turn to events in the Christian calendar.” Reverend Morris continued. “We've entered November, & the month of remembrance: All Saints, All Souls, and, of course, Remembrance Sunday. It is always necessary to remember important events which have gone before, because, as has been said, those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it. This year we studied on Sundays, and in our Bible reflection group, the Book of Exodus;“There was much coughing and shuffling of feet as the congregation braced themselves for another of the vicar's famously long and tedious sermons.Over at the organ loft, Miya was thinking some less-than-holy ways of spicing up this dull part of the service."I was so nervous playing the Gloria," she whispered to Gordon, who was sat next to her on the organ stool. "My first time playing in front of the congregation."In the four months she'd been practicing, Miya had learnt a lot, but there was still a heck of a long way to go."You were fantastic," Gordon replied, reassuring his much-younger girlfriend. "I knew you could do it.""The next hymn;” Miya paused. “I'm not sure if;“"Want me to play it?" Gordon offered her a break."If you don't mind.""No worries." Gordon adjusted his music sheets. The next hymn was The King of Love My Shepherd Is, set to the tune of St Columba."Think I need to relax my fingers a little," Miya continued. "All that pressing down; I need something to squeeze. My palms have gone sweaty and hot." Her right hand slipped over to his thigh and squeezed it."Now lass," Gordon muttered. "Why do I get the feeling you're itching to play a different organ?"She gave him that grin; the one that meant serious naughtiness. How he loved that grin.Meanwhile, the vicar's sermon continued. "As St Paul wrote in Ephesians 2: 'Jesus is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross.' The Cross of Christ makes peace possible. The Cross of Christ can make brothers out of enemies."With one hand, Gordon pushed her closer and slid his tongue into her mouth. Miya could feel his hands trailing the skin of her arse, exploring under her skirt.Her gasp was soft, but keen. Gordon's lip twitched in amusement.She lead his fingers further into the wetness underneath her knickers."Oh, Gordy-pie, I want you in me;“ Miya moaned in delinquent need.With an arched brow, the organist huskily whispered, "Oh yes? Which part of me do you reckon?" Miya giggled.He slid one broad finger into her velvety wetness and twisted in her, prodding her delicate fondness. Clearly the soft groan she emitted was not a sign of complaint."Hmm; so wet already." His voice was deep and playful. He proceeded to glide one more finger into her and goaded her clit with his thumb. His fingering orchestrated gratifying sounds from her.Miya released a ragged breath. "Oh, Gordy;“Reverend Morris raised his hands. "Another lesson we've learnt from the Book of Exodus is that God cares for all who are oppressed. I'm reminded of something I read online the other day, concerning the terrible conflict that is currently occurring in the Holy Land. Brothers and sisters, we are not to be so heavenly-minded that we are no earthly use; nor are we to be so focused on the world that we forget in whose image we have been made;“Norman the churchwarden stifled a yawn and leant against a pillar. He preferred to stand rather than sit, given that his buttocks were frequently tender due to repeated whippings from Mrs. Wilcox. He checked his watch and couldn't help but sigh to himself as the vicar droned on and made his weekly request for everyone to "pray for peace." It seemed rather futile, given the depressing news headlines he'd watched this morning. Still, one had to keep the faith.A tap on his arm brought him to his senses."Thought you'd like to know, Norm dearie, that I've ordered some certain little items off the interweb. You and I are going to have a day at the races.""Can't wait Gladys! Tuesday's out though - remember you agreed to hold the Parochial church council meeting at your place.""Haven't forgotten that," the old lady replied, and winked at him. He bit his lip, wondering what she had planned. A day at the races? That was sure to involve that trusty riding crop again. What on earth had she been buying online?"You know Gordon; when I see you wearing that black gown, it always does it for me." Miya's voice trembled as he created persistent strokes that intensified her squelching sounds. "I; ah; it makes you look like Severus Snape. You know, from Harry Potter?"Gordon wasn't familiar with much of the franchise. "Never got into that. Harry and the Chamber Pot of Afghanistan or something; think that film was repeated on TV recently. You'll have to; enlighten me. Glad you like the robe; it's less restrictive than a surplice, given what you have in mind!"He shifted on the stool and brushed the open-fronted gown off his thighs to give her a clear view of his crotch bulge. His fingers kept diligently working in her, keeping a nice stable rhythm.Miya's eyes widened as she unzipped his black trousers and freed his cock from his y-front underpants. "Gordy, why does it seem bigger than ever in church?" She wrapped her hand around his shaft, barely closing her fist on his girth. His tip glistened with precum."Made to compliment your holy mouth," Gordon remarked saucily. This earned him a squeeze on his shaft and a teasing lick on the head."Ah," he sucked the air between this gritting teeth as Miya tended him with both hands. Stroking. Circling her thumb on his tip. She seductively licked her lips and smiled. Gordon glanced warily at Reverend Morris, who was still in full flow with his sermon. It was fortunate that no-one sat in the pews could see the organist when he was sat at the organ, save for the very top of his head. But from his elevated position in the pulpit, if the vicar were to turn to his right, he'd get a grandstand view."Relax, he's only half-way through the sermon," Miya said. When I was staying at the vicarage, I used to hear him reciting them. They seemed to go on for hours. So boring; even Jenna confessed she dreaded him reading them out to her. Anyways, let's see if you're right about my holy mouth.""Fu; uhm; pardon me," moaned Gordon, halting an expletive due to being in church.He put his hand on Miya's face, gently nudging her along. She took him in carefully, his raging member not fitting entirely in her; . and that's what made it more exciting. She relaxed her throat and managed to take more than half of him. Even though she'd done this many times ever since their relationship began back in June, the rush of excitement every time her mouth touched his cock hadn't dimmed at all. He'd had sex in the church countless times in the past, mostly with the vicar's wife, but never during a service. This was his first time being pleasured during the Sunday Eucharist. That fact served to excite him even more. It was so; wrong, so naughty; so; sinful."Deary, you're so beautiful; especially with me in your mouth," Gordon chuckled. His hips buckled slowly to push his meat deeper into her. Miya winced a little, her gag reflex massaging his girth. "Mmm;“Reverend Fletcher wanted nothing more than to stand up and stretch. His back was aching. The old wooden chair he was sat in was torture, and provided no support."Oh Simon, you never did learn the value of truncating your sermons," he sighed to himself. "When will this bloody lesson endeth?" Being sat further back, behind the pulpit, he had a good view of the choir, who were mostly looking miserable, particularly the younger members, two of whom were furtively glancing at smartphones.He turned to his right and did a double take at what he saw at the organ."To join God's family; in whose image we are made; is not just to take His name, but to start acting as He acts! We are, as Jesus said, to: 'give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.' Amen!"Reverend Morris ended his sermon, and never had the congregation been more grateful."Miya;“ Gordon stammered, watching his girlfriend's head in his lap, working diligently. "The sermon's over; I'll have to start playing the hymn."Miya moved her hands to unbutton her blouse and revealed her nice perky breasts with pale pink nipples. She plopped his member out of her mouth and rubbed her breasts between them. "Do it then," she smiled."Oh God; I'm not sure I can," Gordon moaned."Please stand for our hymn, The King of Love Our Shepherd Is," Reverend Morris said."Do you like that?" Miya whispered as she licked slowly down Gordon's cock again."Humph; yeah, just like that; right, uh, must play;“ he fumbled with the music sheets. The slight pause before he started was missed by the congregation, as was the wrong note during the first line of the hymn.Gordon licked his lips and tried his best to concentrate on playing. It was difficult for him to press down on the organ's pedalboard due to Miya's head being in his lap and her hands on his thighs. Not to mention, his fingers were wet with her cunt juices.Reverend Fletcher had an even better view now that he was standing up. He watched, mesmerized, as Miya's head bobbed up and down, sucking Gordon's cock almost in time with the music. Glancing at the organist, who by now was red-faced and sweating, he chuckled at the enormous amount of effort he was putting in, in order to remain composed."By jove, two organs being played at once!" He remarked, feeling his ancient cock throb and stiffen back to life. A bigger comeback than Lazarus was occurring under his robes. Reaching into a pocket, he pulled out a smartphone. "One must record such an event; eh, for the good of the church of course." Using the loose sleeves of his robes for cover, he began filming;Reverend Morris came down the steps of the pulpit and failed to noticed the spectacle that had transfixed his mentor. Completely oblivious, he headed over to the altar, to prepare for communion.By the hymn's fifth verse, Gordon's focus was crumbling, as Miya dragged him helplessly towards orgasm.Thou spreadist a table in my sight;thy unction grace bestoweth;and oh, what transport of delightfrom thy pure chalice floweth!"Damn, soon my cum will floweth," Gordon muttered through gritted teeth. These lyrics weren't helping one bit. He was panting and groaning, and luckily the sounds from the mighty pipe organ were masking his expressions of delight.Miya teased the head of his cock and stroked his balls.That touch of hers pushed him over the edge.A kiss on the underside of his shaft was too much.Oh, bloody hell. He was cumming.The final verse of the hymn was marred by several wrong notes played by trembling fingers, as Gordon came. "Ah," he groaned.Thick sprays of warm cum filled Miya's mouth and throat. Fuck, she loved it so much. She felt him twitch in her, and she swallowed every salty, tangy drop.Gordon almost fell backwards off the organ stool, but managed to steady himself in time.Miya kissed the tip of his cock and crawled next to him, trilling softly at the nook of his neck. He tightened his arm around her and stroked her cheek.He whispered. "That was bloody fantastic. I love you so much.""Love you too, my Gordy-pie. I'm so glad I got to play your organ at the Sunday service."Reverend Fletcher stopped filming."Must change these underpants when I get home.""Think Gordon's been on the whiskey," Norman muttered to Mrs. Wilcox, as they sat down. "Not his best performance. He usually plays so perfectly.""Are you sure it wasn't Miya playing?""No, it was definitely Gordon. I can see the top of his head. Can't see Miya sat next to him; maybe she's gone to the loo?""Either that or she was playing a different organ," the old lady smirked."Gladys! You dirty old girl!"Ponyplay and Advent calendars.Monday morning had arrived, but Reverend Fletcher was in no hurry to get up. He lay back on his bed and sighed. His hand fell to his crotch, rubbing his hardening cock. The soft material of his pajamas felt good on his shaft, making him harder, soft groans escaping. He was widowed and lived alone.Closing his eyes, Reverend Fletcher removed his clothing. His hand drifted up and down his cock as his mind imagined beautiful women pleasuring him; one woman in particular. The pretty little thing he'd filmed blowing the organist at St Michael's a few weeks back. Who was she? He simply had to find out. And was Simon Morris aware of what was occurring at his Sunday service? Now that his three week placement as a speaker at a Christian organization in Cardiff was over, he could focus on less holy matters. He was glad to be back home at last."I simply must visit Simon's church again, even though it's a long drive."Meanwhile;Gordon let out a groan as the clock radio switched on and the bedroom was filled with the dulcet tones of Jonah Louie's "Stop the Cavalry.""Mum; bloody Christmas songs! It's only 4th December; uh!" He reached out and switched off the radio. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Next to him, Miya began to stir. Her arm was draped across his bare chest."Is it time to get up already?" She groaned."Afraid so, me chucky egg," he whispered, planting a kiss on her head. He sighed. He was warm and in a nice, comfy position, although his bladder quickly reminded him that he needed to relieve himself."Looks like it's going to be a cold one today." He slid out of bed, scratched his belly and walked over to the window. Opening the curtains, he shuddered as he noticed the front lawn completely white over with frost. Putting his hands on the radiator, he relaxed as he felt warmth. The central heating had behaved itself and come on normally for once."Did it snow?" Miya asked, rubbing her eyes."Nah. Just very frosty out there. The kind of weather that freezes your bollocks off. Hope the car starts okay. Nice and sunny though. Nice day for a walk over the hills if you're wrapped up. Shame we have to go to work eh?"Gordon's main job consisted of repairing organs, as well as playing one every Sunday. His occupation was a specialized one, and he'd been doing it for nearly thirty years now. During the week, he often drove long distances. He had Wednesday mornings off, in order to play at the short midweek service at St Michael's."Where are you off to today then, Gordy?""Got an organ that's being restored in Lancaster. Nice little two manual one. Lovely sound.""Oh well that's not too far.""I can give you a lift to work. Don't want you hanging around that minging bus stop in this weather. How are you settling in at your workplace?""Thanks! And yeah, it's pretty good. They're a nice bunch. It's interesting hearing where people want to go on their travels."Miya had quit her cleaning job at the vicarage and landed a full-time but temporary job at a local travel agent. It was decent pay and would serve her purpose, whilst she continued her driving lessons."Not long now. I'm sure I'll have that driving license in time for Christmas! Got another lesson tomorrow. I just hope;“Gordon sat on the bed and slipped his arm round her. "You'll pass with flying colors. You've got heart and initiative. I really do admire that; as well as; your other talents!" He winked at her and she knew at once what he was referring to."Mmm. I wish we could have a lie-in," she whispered, teasingly slipping her hand down his y-fronts. Oh well.""Plenty of time for that tonight, you naughty thing! Right," he stood up. "I desperately need to point my organ pipe at the porcelain. My bladder waits for no-one!"She chuckled as he hurried off to the bathroom, then sighed."I wish Mum would accept him," she said. Gordon was the loveliest, nicest man she'd ever met. He was funny, sexy and clever, and made her feel cherished and safe. And she was loving learning to play the pipe organ."Just because he's so much older than me, she thinks he's a bad person. Jenna's cool. Dad is cool with him now. But Mum doesn't even give him a chance. We have so much in common, despite the huge age gap."Miya stood up and began to get dressed. Would her mum ever come round?Cloistered CumReverend Fletcher's small bedroom was filled with the soft slapping of his hand pumping his cock, the low grunts of a man edging closer, and the smell of male arousal. His moans grew as the pressure in his balls and cock did. With a deep grunt from him, thick cum shot from his cock.As the reverend's hips bucked slightly from the orgasm, spurt after spurt of cum continued to shoot forth."Ah. Praise be to God. And that lass from St Michael's;“Special Delivery"About time!" Mrs. Wilcox exclaimed, as she spotted a delivery van pulling up outside. "Those articles I ordered online for us. I was beginning to think they'd be lost in the post forever. It's been three weeks! The website said they were dispatched, and I've sent so many emails. I should've got Dwaine to chivvy them up a bit;“"You mean threaten them, more like. I know that grandson of yours. Bit of a wide boy." Norman cautiously sipped a cup of tea."He's a good lad, really. A bit of GBH, buying on the dark web, hacking and benefit fraud in the past. But he's moved on. Runs his own gym. And he's so good with computers.""Aye. Good with his fists. Anyways, you can't trust these online sellers," he muttered. He was both nervous and excited at what awaited him in the package.There was a knock on the door."I'll go," Mrs. Wilcox, said, standing up with surprising speed. "Finish your cuppa. You'll need it;“A few moments later, she returned to the living room, carrying a large box."Can you manage, Gladys?" Norman asked."Oh quite easily, Norm. "It's lighter than I imagined. Let's get it open with all haste!"She giggled like a naughty schoolgirl. Norman fetched a craft knife and began cutting the brown parcel tape off the box."Now the fun begins," Mrs. Wilcox smiled, flinging aside a layer of bubble wrap. "Here we have a;“ She pulled out a My Little Pony advent calendar."Oh that's cute," Norman replied. "A job lot of advent calendars! A bit girly for my tastes, but I bet the Sunday school kids will adore them; even though we're already in December, so they're out of date. Funny, when you said we were going to have a day at the races, I thought you had something rude in mind!""What the devil; thirty My Little Pony advent calendars? I didn't order these!" the old lady gasped. "Oh no, there must've been some sort of mix up at the sorting office or something.""There's a folded up piece of paper down the side," Norman said, picking it up. "Hmm, it says that these calendars were purchased by the Mother's Union. Wait a sec; Old Rectory Road? Oh blimey, that's the address of our church!""Oh dearie me; then there could be some red faces in the church hall;“"Gladys; just what exactly did you buy online?""Well; a selection of lubricants, some bondage equipment, whips, horse penis-shaped dildos, masks, that sort of thing, ponyplay items; by sheer chance I came across this site called Happy Pony Fantasy.""Let me guess. There'll be an invoice in the box of stuff that's ended up at the church hall; with your name and address on it?""Address yes; um, but I used your name. I've been a very bad girl."Norman slapped his head. "Oh Gladys! I'd better rush over there right away and try and intercept that parcel!"To be continued in part 2. By Blacksheep. For Literotica

Life with the Good Shepherd // An Abundant Life in Jesus, Part 1

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 29, 2024 23:49

Life's full of its ups and downs. You and I we know that. Jesus knows that. That's why when He promised us an abundant life, He made that promise in the context of a story, a parable, about life's ups … and downs. The Shepherd and His Flock As we race through life day after day, one of the things that happens is that we somehow get conned or duped into the great lie of our times: if you earn lots of money and you spend it on this and this and this and this – this toy, these clothes, that holiday, this dining experience – if you live your life like that, then you are going to be happy. So, we try it again and again and again. Many spend their whole lives chasing happiness, only to be disappointed at every turn. And before you know it, they are looking back on a wasted life. I mean, how tragic is that? So, what's the answer? I think, as we head into yet another new year, now is not a bad time to be asking that question. What is life all about? What's my life all about? Am I going to be happy this year? And so, that's why today, we are kicking off a new series of programmes that I have called, “An Abundant Life in Jesus”, because so many of us have spent so much of our lives chasing happiness – me included. That's what I was looking for and that's what I could never find. So many of us wish we could be happy and yet we don't really know what happiness is, so we go looking for it in the wrong places. Jesus promised something outrageous to His disciples – to all those who follow hard after Him – He promised them an abundant life. In fact, a super-abundant life! Sounds fantastic, doesn't it? Someone once asked me, ‘What does that mean, an abundant life?' That's a good question. I mean, ‘super-abundant' sounds fantastic but what is it? What does it look like? Well, let's kick off by having a listen to what it is that Jesus actually says, so if you have a Bible, come with me please to John chapter 10 – we are going to begin reading at verse 1. Jesus said: Very truly, I tell you, anyone who does not enter the sheepfold by the gate but climbs in by another way is a thief and a bandit. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep hear his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and he leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep then follow him because they know his voice. They will not follow a stranger, but they will run from him because they do not know the voice of strangers.'” Jesus used this figure of speech with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them. So again Jesus said, ‘Very truly, I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and bandits; but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate. Whoever enters by me will be saved, and will come in and go out and find pasture. 'The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 'The hired hand, who is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and runs away and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. The hired hand runs away because a hired hand does not care for the sheep. I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. And I lay down my life for the sheep.' That's a really interesting passage. It's a beautiful picture of a shepherd and his flock. Back in those days – let me explain the shepherd. The shepherd normally had a small number of sheep, fifty or a hundred sheep and literally, he knew each of them by name. Now sheep aren't stupid animals; they are actually quite bright but they are short sighted so the shepherd calls them and they hear him, they follow the voice; he leads them; he goes ahead of them and his job is to find them pasture and water and keep them safe. Now, being a shepherd was a tradition handed down from father to son. A real shepherd; the true shepherd who owned the sheep would literally protect the sheep with his life from wild animals and robbers. We will look at that later. And they would wander this rocky plateau and in winter he would bring them into the sheep fold, into the town or village by night and all the different shepherd's sheep would be in the one pen. And the next morning, each shepherd in turn would come and call his sheep. And he had a personal relationship with them – the sheep knew his voice and so they would follow just their shepherd, not anyone else's shepherd, just their shepherd and they trusted him and they felt safe with him. So this is the picture that the people had in their minds in the first century as Jesus was telling this story. This winsome picture of the lonely shepherd tending his flock, protecting them with his life - that's what Jesus was drawing on in this story. But did you notice they didn't understand what He was saying. Verse 6 of John chapter 10. Jesus used this figure of speech with them but they did not understand what He was saying to them. You and I, we wander through some difficult places in life – we truly do. When we are young, we think we are invincible; we think we can conquer every mountain, but life soon teaches us that we are more of a small boat on a great big, mighty ocean. And yes, Jesus promises an abundant life – we had it there in that passage. Again we will look at what that means, over the coming weeks. But look at the context … the context of that abundance, is as one of His sheep in His flock under the safety and the care of the True Shepherd. It's this picture of safety and protection and of a Shepherd who did, in fact, lay down His life to save us … to save us from the ravages of the devil; to save us from our own sin; to save us from God's judgement. Storms will come and go, wild animals will come in life and tear at our flesh, thieves will come to steal, kill and destroy, bad things will happen to good people. Is there any one of us who doesn't have something going on in our lives right now, that's hurts - something we wish wasn't there? Is there? Jesus never, ever, ever promised His disciples a comfortable ride - in fact, quite to the contrary. He said to them, at a time when there was fear in their lives, in John chapter 16, verse 33. He said: I have said these things to you so that in me you may have peace. In the world you will face persecution but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world. The promise of this abundant life comes not as a promise to make all our circumstances, all our relationships, all our finances, all our futures rosy – that was never, ever what He promised. No! The promise of this abundant life comes to us in the context of the rough and tumble of life; in the context of a shepherd leading his sheep through a rocky plateau to find pasture and dangers all around. As we live our lives under the protection and the safety and the sacrificial love of this One True Shepherd, Jesus, then He says to us, “I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.” And because of the world in which we live, that abundant life was purchased for you and me at a price … at a very great price. The Thief and His Plan I was speaking recently with a group of people. It was a church service on a Sunday morning and I asked them this question. I said, “Is there anybody here in this room today that doesn't have at least one thing going on in their lives that hurts? One thing that they wish wasn't there? One thing that they want God to heal or to change or to solve or to take away? If you don't have at least one such thing in your life, raise your hand up in the air." There would have been, I'm guessing, over a hundred people in the room. Absolutely silence! I cast my eyes around the room – I just allowed the silence to hang there for a moment and not a single hand when up in the air – not one. These were people who believed in Jesus, these were people who had all heard Jesus say: John chapter 10, verse 10, that: The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that you may have life and have it abundantly. They had all heard Jesus promise an abundant life to them. Literally what Jesus says here – the original Greek language – it means a ‘super abundant life' and yet, everyone had something in their lives that was troubling them. And you know what it's like: your whole body can be healthy but you jam your finger in a door and the excruciating pain in that one finger is all that you can think about. The fact that the rest of your life is just fine at that point, is pretty much irrelevant. It's all about the bit that hurts – that's what we focus on. It's true isn't it? It's so easy to live our lives, focusing on that one bit in our life that hurts just at the moment: that difficult relationship, that financial pressure, that problem at work, the worry about what other people are thinking about us. It's pretty much different for each one of us. But when we have that one thing, or perhaps even two or three, that ache, that we wish would just go away - then it can consume us. It actually robs us of life. And as we saw earlier, the context of this promise of an abundant life was the story; the parable of the Good Shepherd - Jesus the Good Shepherd, we the sheep in His flock. Now this was a really familiar metaphor to those who were listening. They knew that the profession of the shepherd was one of honour, one of protecting his sheep. They knew that as a shepherd led his sheep out over the stony plateau of Israel in search of pasture, thieves would come and often attack and try and steal the sheep. Wild animals would sometimes come and attack and steal a sheep to eat for dinner. It was the reality of life for a shepherd and a true shepherd's job was to defend his flock. But let's focus for a moment in this story, on the thief. John chapter 10, verse 10: The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus is telling a parable here, a parable that's meant to reach into our lives – and the thief in this story is the enemy; the devil; the tempter; the deceiver He had referred to elsewhere. The one who dangles glittering baubles under our noses – trinkets and treasures that are so alluring, so seductive. They appear to promise so much. Can he get us to wander off? And other times … other times he simply comes to attack us: through circumstances, through other people. We see that in Job's story in the Old Testament, how the devil uses financial collapse, sickness, family breakdown, to attack Job. Paul the Apostle gives us a glimpse into the spiritual realm to tell us what's going on when we are under attack from this enemy, this thief who comes to steal, kill and destroy. Paul writes in Ephesians chapter 6, verse 12. He says: ... our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. See, there is a spiritual dimension to life and we ignore it at our peril. There is a devil who is our enemy; who sometimes comes dressed as an angel of light to deceive us. Other times, he sneaks up like a thief or attacks us openly, like a wolf. All that is in the Bible and we ignore it at our own peril. But look with me again, if you will, at what Jesus says about Himself: So again Jesus said to them, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and bandits, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate. Whoever enters by me will be saved and will come and go and find pasture. In summer, the shepherds would stay out overnight with their flocks and dotted around the place, were pens that had been built using really dense hedges. So by night, the shepherds would lead his sheep into one of these pens. But those pens had no gate, so he would sleep across the opening and, in effect, the shepherd became the gate – to keep the sheep in overnight, to keep them safe and sound so that none would wander off and to keep the thieves and the wild animals out. He would fight any that came, with his shepherd's staff and with his rod, a kind of club with spikes. He was the gate. He was their safety, so that they could come and go in peace. He gave them protection and so, safety and peace. And that is Jesus in our lives today, my friend. Make no mistake about it. The thief will come to steal and to kill and to destroy, to rob us of the abundant life that Jesus has planned for us. The wild animals will come to tear at our flesh, to corrupt our flesh. And yes, we can wander off in our own directions, but out there on our own, we are sitting ducks. The place of safety is with Jesus. The place of safety is close to our Shepherd – the one true Shepherd who would lay down His life for His sheep. Think about it. If we are constantly being ravaged by the devil, how can we have an abundant life? There are going to be struggles in our lives, and when they come, when things hurt, the place to go is Jesus – the One True Shepherd, the One who lays down His life for His sheep. He is meant to be our refuge. He can and He will protect us. What a pity that so many suffer through things alone when all along Jesus is waiting for them? The thief comes only to steal and to kill and to destroy. "I came,” said Jesus, “that you might have life and have it abundantly.” A Super Abundant Life Happiness is great – it's great to feel on top of the world but then, some of the most satisfying moments in life don't always involve happiness. You can be exhausted; a complete wreck and yet experience a deep sense of satisfaction at what you have just been through or achieved. Or we can experience a deep sense of contentment in life even if all our circumstances and relationships and finances and all those things aren't quite what we want them to be. And we can experience a sense of peace knowing that we are safe, even though we might have some things going on in our lives that might be a threat. Or we can experience fulfilment at being comfortable with who we are and what we are able to do with our lives. And even more, being happy to let go of things that we aspire to, that maybe we are not able to do. Do you see my point? Happiness ain't everything! There are so many other things that go into making a rich and abundant life. And it's that abundance that we are taking a look at today on the programme. And with good reason – an abundant life is something that Jesus promised to His disciples. For me, one of the most fantastic revelations of God and this promise from Jesus of an abundant life, is that everything in my life doesn't have to be going perfectly well for me to be living an abundant life. Let me say that again because I believe it's incredibly important: everything in my life doesn't have to be going perfectly well for me to be having an abundant life. Now, this was a huge revelation because I don't think I can ever remember a single time in my life – maybe a week or two or a month or two, here and there – but over all very few times in my life where absolutely everything was perfect: every relationship, everything to do with my finances, everything to do with my work, everything to do with my hopes and dreams and aspirations and sense of self worth. Do you know what I mean? There is always something there to take the shine or the gloss off life. The Apostle Paul found that too. He had a thorn in his flesh. Now, we are not quite sure whether that was a physical ailment or a spiritual ailment, the Holy Spirit in His wisdom chose not to tell us that. Good thinking too! But have a listen to Paul. Second Corinthians chapter 12, beginning at verse 7: To keep me from being too elated, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I appealed to the Lord about this, that it would leave me, but he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness'. So, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Humph! And this, from a guy who wrote almost half the books in the New Testament! See, there is always something, isn't there? And I wonder if that isn't God's plan. I wonder if everything was always going swimmingly well in my life, whether I would even bother seeking God out at all! I wonder if everything in my life was perfect, whether I would be of any use to you in these programmes. Much of what I talk about, in fact, pretty much all of what I talk about, is born out of the struggles and realities of life, bringing God's wisdom to bear in our lives. And interestingly, this passage where Jesus talks about His promise to give us an abundant life is set amidst the story of a struggle – the struggle of a shepherd to protect and feed his sheep. We read through it earlier in the programme. The life of a shepherd was a hard one – thieves, robbers, wild animals – the shepherd was called to protect those sheep with his life and many a time it cost the shepherd his life back then. Without the shepherd, the life of a sheep was precarious. A sheep out there on its own would be a sitting duck, to be picked off by a wolf or stolen or fall down some ravine. Jesus is telling a story here about life and death struggles. It's a parable that reaches deep into the realities of our lives. It's a story about a life lived out there in a challenging world in which Jesus Himself, through His death and His resurrection, becomes our True Shepherd. A pastor friend of mine told me a story once. He was ministering in a country area and one of his parishioners was a farmer, of sheep. Now the farmer told him, when he was a young lad, he always observed how the sheep would be standing grazing, but as soon as his father would go into the field, they would often lie down. So he asked his dad about that and his father told him that sheep only lie down when they feel safe and that when the shepherd is close, they know that they are safe, which is why they will often take that opportunity to lie down and have a rest. Brings a whole new meaning to Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; he leads me by still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk into the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff – they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord my whole life long. “He makes me to lie down in green pastures”, which means I feel safe. And even though you and I can end up in the valley of the shadow of death, we don't have to fear any evil because God is with us – His rod and His staff comfort us. So often, friend, an abundant life is not about being taken out of the difficult circumstances of life. It's about experiencing the peace and the protection of Jesus – that One True Shepherd – right there; right in the middle of the difficulties of life; right there, smack, bang in that valley of the shadow of death. And the incredible power of that is this: if we choose that sort of abundance of life; the one that Jesus has to offer – the true one, not the imposters, not the false shepherds, not the ones that come to rob and to kill and destroy. If we choose the TRUE life, with the TRUE Shepherd, then it doesn't matter much what our circumstances are – good, bad, up, down, positive, negative – it doesn't matter, because even though we may walk through the darkest valley, we fear no evil because He is with us. People sometimes ask me, "How can you be so upbeat in the middle of a trial?" and my answer is: this is how – it's not me, it's Him because I have decided to live my abundant life through Jesus. The abundant life that Jesus promised – my One True Shepherd!

Sundays at Saint Michaels: Part 1

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 6, 2024

Multiple organs are played at the All Saints Sunday Eucharist.A Series in 17 parts, By Blacksheep. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. It's been a while, but now we return to our good friends at Saint Michael's CE church;"Dear Brothers & Sisters," Reverend Simon Morris stood in the pulpit and began his sermon."Well first of all, special thanks to Gordon for that fine voluntary and hymn, and to My wife's cousin, Miya, for playing the Gloria. We have an organist and an organist-in-training! As I'm sure you're aware, my wife Jenna, has kindly agreed to stand in for Raymond Wilson, the organist at Oakwood Road Methodist Church, who is recovering from surgery.Also as you may have noticed, we are joined by Reverend Horatius Fletcher, an old friend who mentored me back when I was studying for my degree in theology many, many years ago!"The man in question was sat behind the vicar, at the side of the organ and clad in full robes. He looked a lot older than he probably was. He smiled and nodded. "You were a good student; well, most of the time!"A chorus of sniggers erupted from the assembled congregation."Did he step out of a Dickens novel?" someone whispered. "He's got the perfect name for one.""From the look of him, he was an old 'un when Queen Victoria were a mere slip of a girl!" came the witty reply.The fella in the pew behind them added; "Aye, he listened to one too many sermons. That's what we'll look like by the end of this service.""And now we turn to events in the Christian calendar.” Reverend Morris continued. “We've entered November, & the month of remembrance: All Saints, All Souls, and, of course, Remembrance Sunday. It is always necessary to remember important events which have gone before, because, as has been said, those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it. This year we studied on Sundays, and in our Bible reflection group, the Book of Exodus;“There was much coughing and shuffling of feet as the congregation braced themselves for another of the vicar's famously long and tedious sermons.Over at the organ loft, Miya was thinking some less-than-holy ways of spicing up this dull part of the service."I was so nervous playing the Gloria," she whispered to Gordon, who was sat next to her on the organ stool. "My first time playing in front of the congregation."In the four months she'd been practicing, Miya had learnt a lot, but there was still a heck of a long way to go."You were fantastic," Gordon replied, reassuring his much-younger girlfriend. "I knew you could do it.""The next hymn;” Miya paused. “I'm not sure if;“"Want me to play it?" Gordon offered her a break."If you don't mind.""No worries." Gordon adjusted his music sheets. The next hymn was The King of Love My Shepherd Is, set to the tune of St Columba."Think I need to relax my fingers a little," Miya continued. "All that pressing down; I need something to squeeze. My palms have gone sweaty and hot." Her right hand slipped over to his thigh and squeezed it."Now lass," Gordon muttered. "Why do I get the feeling you're itching to play a different organ?"She gave him that grin; the one that meant serious naughtiness. How he loved that grin.Meanwhile, the vicar's sermon continued. "As St Paul wrote in Ephesians 2: 'Jesus is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross.' The Cross of Christ makes peace possible. The Cross of Christ can make brothers out of enemies."With one hand, Gordon pushed her closer and slid his tongue into her mouth. Miya could feel his hands trailing the skin of her arse, exploring under her skirt.Her gasp was soft, but keen. Gordon's lip twitched in amusement.She lead his fingers further into the wetness underneath her knickers."Oh, Gordy-pie, I want you in me;“ Miya moaned in delinquent need.With an arched brow, the organist huskily whispered, "Oh yes? Which part of me do you reckon?" Miya giggled.He slid one broad finger into her velvety wetness and twisted in her, prodding her delicate fondness. Clearly the soft groan she emitted was not a sign of complaint."Hmm; so wet already." His voice was deep and playful. He proceeded to glide one more finger into her and goaded her clit with his thumb. His fingering orchestrated gratifying sounds from her.Miya released a ragged breath. "Oh, Gordy;“Reverend Morris raised his hands. "Another lesson we've learnt from the Book of Exodus is that God cares for all who are oppressed. I'm reminded of something I read online the other day, concerning the terrible conflict that is currently occurring in the Holy Land. Brothers and sisters, we are not to be so heavenly-minded that we are no earthly use; nor are we to be so focused on the world that we forget in whose image we have been made;“Norman the churchwarden stifled a yawn and leant against a pillar. He preferred to stand rather than sit, given that his buttocks were frequently tender due to repeated whippings from Mrs. Wilcox. He checked his watch and couldn't help but sigh to himself as the vicar droned on and made his weekly request for everyone to "pray for peace." It seemed rather futile, given the depressing news headlines he'd watched this morning. Still, one had to keep the faith.A tap on his arm brought him to his senses."Thought you'd like to know, Norm dearie, that I've ordered some certain little items off the interweb. You and I are going to have a day at the races.""Can't wait Gladys! Tuesday's out though - remember you agreed to hold the Parochial church council meeting at your place.""Haven't forgotten that," the old lady replied, and winked at him. He bit his lip, wondering what she had planned. A day at the races? That was sure to involve that trusty riding crop again. What on earth had she been buying online?"You know Gordon; when I see you wearing that black gown, it always does it for me." Miya's voice trembled as he created persistent strokes that intensified her squelching sounds. "I; ah; it makes you look like Severus Snape. You know, from Harry Potter?"Gordon wasn't familiar with much of the franchise. "Never got into that. Harry and the Chamber Pot of Afghanistan or something; think that film was repeated on TV recently. You'll have to; enlighten me. Glad you like the robe; it's less restrictive than a surplice, given what you have in mind!"He shifted on the stool and brushed the open-fronted gown off his thighs to give her a clear view of his crotch bulge. His fingers kept diligently working in her, keeping a nice stable rhythm.Miya's eyes widened as she unzipped his black trousers and freed his cock from his y-front underpants. "Gordy, why does it seem bigger than ever in church?" She wrapped her hand around his shaft, barely closing her fist on his girth. His tip glistened with precum."Made to compliment your holy mouth," Gordon remarked saucily. This earned him a squeeze on his shaft and a teasing lick on the head."Ah," he sucked the air between this gritting teeth as Miya tended him with both hands. Stroking. Circling her thumb on his tip. She seductively licked her lips and smiled. Gordon glanced warily at Reverend Morris, who was still in full flow with his sermon. It was fortunate that no-one sat in the pews could see the organist when he was sat at the organ, save for the very top of his head. But from his elevated position in the pulpit, if the vicar were to turn to his right, he'd get a grandstand view."Relax, he's only half-way through the sermon," Miya said. When I was staying at the vicarage, I used to hear him reciting them. They seemed to go on for hours. So boring; even Jenna confessed she dreaded him reading them out to her. Anyways, let's see if you're right about my holy mouth.""Fu; uhm; pardon me," moaned Gordon, halting an expletive due to being in church.He put his hand on Miya's face, gently nudging her along. She took him in carefully, his raging member not fitting entirely in her; . and that's what made it more exciting. She relaxed her throat and managed to take more than half of him. Even though she'd done this many times ever since their relationship began back in June, the rush of excitement every time her mouth touched his cock hadn't dimmed at all. He'd had sex in the church countless times in the past, mostly with the vicar's wife, but never during a service. This was his first time being pleasured during the Sunday Eucharist. That fact served to excite him even more. It was so; wrong, so naughty; so; sinful."Deary, you're so beautiful; especially with me in your mouth," Gordon chuckled. His hips buckled slowly to push his meat deeper into her. Miya winced a little, her gag reflex massaging his girth. "Mmm;“Reverend Fletcher wanted nothing more than to stand up and stretch. His back was aching. The old wooden chair he was sat in was torture, and provided no support."Oh Simon, you never did learn the value of truncating your sermons," he sighed to himself. "When will this bloody lesson endeth?" Being sat further back, behind the pulpit, he had a good view of the choir, who were mostly looking miserable, particularly the younger members, two of whom were furtively glancing at smartphones.He turned to his right and did a double take at what he saw at the organ."To join God's family; in whose image we are made; is not just to take His name, but to start acting as He acts! We are, as Jesus said, to: 'give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.' Amen!"Reverend Morris ended his sermon, and never had the congregation been more grateful."Miya;“ Gordon stammered, watching his girlfriend's head in his lap, working diligently. "The sermon's over; I'll have to start playing the hymn."Miya moved her hands to unbutton her blouse and revealed her nice perky breasts with pale pink nipples. She plopped his member out of her mouth and rubbed her breasts between them. "Do it then," she smiled."Oh God; I'm not sure I can," Gordon moaned."Please stand for our hymn, The King of Love Our Shepherd Is," Reverend Morris said."Do you like that?" Miya whispered as she licked slowly down Gordon's cock again."Humph; yeah, just like that; right, uh, must play;“ he fumbled with the music sheets. The slight pause before he started was missed by the congregation, as was the wrong note during the first line of the hymn.Gordon licked his lips and tried his best to concentrate on playing. It was difficult for him to press down on the organ's pedalboard due to Miya's head being in his lap and her hands on his thighs. Not to mention, his fingers were wet with her cunt juices.Reverend Fletcher had an even better view now that he was standing up. He watched, mesmerized, as Miya's head bobbed up and down, sucking Gordon's cock almost in time with the music. Glancing at the organist, who by now was red-faced and sweating, he chuckled at the enormous amount of effort he was putting in, in order to remain composed."By jove, two organs being played at once!" He remarked, feeling his ancient cock throb and stiffen back to life. A bigger comeback than Lazarus was occurring under his robes. Reaching into a pocket, he pulled out a smartphone. "One must record such an event; eh, for the good of the church of course." Using the loose sleeves of his robes for cover, he began filming;Reverend Morris came down the steps of the pulpit and failed to noticed the spectacle that had transfixed his mentor. Completely oblivious, he headed over to the altar, to prepare for communion.By the hymn's fifth verse, Gordon's focus was crumbling, as Miya dragged him helplessly towards orgasm.Thou spreadist a table in my sight;thy unction grace bestoweth;and oh, what transport of delightfrom thy pure chalice floweth!"Damn, soon my cum will floweth," Gordon muttered through gritted teeth. These lyrics weren't helping one bit. He was panting and groaning, and luckily the sounds from the mighty pipe organ were masking his expressions of delight.Miya teased the head of his cock and stroked his balls.That touch of hers pushed him over the edge.A kiss on the underside of his shaft was too much.Oh, bloody hell. He was cumming.The final verse of the hymn was marred by several wrong notes played by trembling fingers, as Gordon came. "Ah," he groaned.Thick sprays of warm cum filled Miya's mouth and throat. Fuck, she loved it so much. She felt him twitch in her, and she swallowed every salty, tangy drop.Gordon almost fell backwards off the organ stool, but managed to steady himself in time.Miya kissed the tip of his cock and crawled next to him, trilling softly at the nook of his neck. He tightened his arm around her and stroked her cheek.He whispered. "That was bloody fantastic. I love you so much.""Love you too, my Gordy-pie. I'm so glad I got to play your organ at the Sunday service."Reverend Fletcher stopped filming."Must change these underpants when I get home.""Think Gordon's been on the whiskey," Norman muttered to Mrs. Wilcox, as they sat down. "Not his best performance. He usually plays so perfectly.""Are you sure it wasn't Miya playing?""No, it was definitely Gordon. I can see the top of his head. Can't see Miya sat next to him; maybe she's gone to the loo?""Either that or she was playing a different organ," the old lady smirked."Gladys! You dirty old girl!"Ponyplay and Advent calendars.Monday morning had arrived, but Reverend Fletcher was in no hurry to get up. He lay back on his bed and sighed. His hand fell to his crotch, rubbing his hardening cock. The soft material of his pajamas felt good on his shaft, making him harder, soft groans escaping. He was widowed and lived alone.Closing his eyes, Reverend Fletcher removed his clothing. His hand drifted up and down his cock as his mind imagined beautiful women pleasuring him; one woman in particular. The pretty little thing he'd filmed blowing the organist at St Michael's a few weeks back. Who was she? He simply had to find out. And was Simon Morris aware of what was occurring at his Sunday service? Now that his three week placement as a speaker at a Christian organization in Cardiff was over, he could focus on less holy matters. He was glad to be back home at last.

christmas god tv love jesus christ bible mother passion story brothers cross putting dad funny shame afghanistan harry potter fantasy praise exodus afraid ephesians union advent series romance lust finish reaching intimacy sisters sexuality relax fuck address lazarus amen runs norman virgin caesar norm nah affair mum lovely bit oral lancaster anal thick michaels cardiff dickens erotic holy land st paul experimentation fantasies wilcox black sheep all saints oh god mmm sensuality queen victoria my little pony circling cambria aye cavalry st michael calibri special delivery gordy coupling remembrance sunday intercourse all souls descriptive miya saint michael severus snape tryst stroking gbh glancing deary st columba dwaine lurid parochial simon morris humph dear brothers

Sundays at Saint Michaels: Part 1

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 6, 2024

Multiple organs are played at the All Saints Sunday Eucharist.A Series in 17 parts, By Blacksheep. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. It's been a while, but now we return to our good friends at Saint Michael's CE church;"Dear Brothers & Sisters," Reverend Simon Morris stood in the pulpit and began his sermon."Well first of all, special thanks to Gordon for that fine voluntary and hymn, and to My wife's cousin, Miya, for playing the Gloria. We have an organist and an organist-in-training! As I'm sure you're aware, my wife Jenna, has kindly agreed to stand in for Raymond Wilson, the organist at Oakwood Road Methodist Church, who is recovering from surgery.Also as you may have noticed, we are joined by Reverend Horatius Fletcher, an old friend who mentored me back when I was studying for my degree in theology many, many years ago!"The man in question was sat behind the vicar, at the side of the organ and clad in full robes. He looked a lot older than he probably was. He smiled and nodded. "You were a good student; well, most of the time!"A chorus of sniggers erupted from the assembled congregation."Did he step out of a Dickens novel?" someone whispered. "He's got the perfect name for one.""From the look of him, he was an old 'un when Queen Victoria were a mere slip of a girl!" came the witty reply.The fella in the pew behind them added; "Aye, he listened to one too many sermons. That's what we'll look like by the end of this service.""And now we turn to events in the Christian calendar.” Reverend Morris continued. “We've entered November, & the month of remembrance: All Saints, All Souls, and, of course, Remembrance Sunday. It is always necessary to remember important events which have gone before, because, as has been said, those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it. This year we studied on Sundays, and in our Bible reflection group, the Book of Exodus;“There was much coughing and shuffling of feet as the congregation braced themselves for another of the vicar's famously long and tedious sermons.Over at the organ loft, Miya was thinking some less-than-holy ways of spicing up this dull part of the service."I was so nervous playing the Gloria," she whispered to Gordon, who was sat next to her on the organ stool. "My first time playing in front of the congregation."In the four months she'd been practicing, Miya had learnt a lot, but there was still a heck of a long way to go."You were fantastic," Gordon replied, reassuring his much-younger girlfriend. "I knew you could do it.""The next hymn;” Miya paused. “I'm not sure if;“"Want me to play it?" Gordon offered her a break."If you don't mind.""No worries." Gordon adjusted his music sheets. The next hymn was The King of Love My Shepherd Is, set to the tune of St Columba."Think I need to relax my fingers a little," Miya continued. "All that pressing down; I need something to squeeze. My palms have gone sweaty and hot." Her right hand slipped over to his thigh and squeezed it."Now lass," Gordon muttered. "Why do I get the feeling you're itching to play a different organ?"She gave him that grin; the one that meant serious naughtiness. How he loved that grin.Meanwhile, the vicar's sermon continued. "As St Paul wrote in Ephesians 2: 'Jesus is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross.' The Cross of Christ makes peace possible. The Cross of Christ can make brothers out of enemies."With one hand, Gordon pushed her closer and slid his tongue into her mouth. Miya could feel his hands trailing the skin of her arse, exploring under her skirt.Her gasp was soft, but keen. Gordon's lip twitched in amusement.She lead his fingers further into the wetness underneath her knickers."Oh, Gordy-pie, I want you in me;“ Miya moaned in delinquent need.With an arched brow, the organist huskily whispered, "Oh yes? Which part of me do you reckon?" Miya giggled.He slid one broad finger into her velvety wetness and twisted in her, prodding her delicate fondness. Clearly the soft groan she emitted was not a sign of complaint."Hmm; so wet already." His voice was deep and playful. He proceeded to glide one more finger into her and goaded her clit with his thumb. His fingering orchestrated gratifying sounds from her.Miya released a ragged breath. "Oh, Gordy;“Reverend Morris raised his hands. "Another lesson we've learnt from the Book of Exodus is that God cares for all who are oppressed. I'm reminded of something I read online the other day, concerning the terrible conflict that is currently occurring in the Holy Land. Brothers and sisters, we are not to be so heavenly-minded that we are no earthly use; nor are we to be so focused on the world that we forget in whose image we have been made;“Norman the churchwarden stifled a yawn and leant against a pillar. He preferred to stand rather than sit, given that his buttocks were frequently tender due to repeated whippings from Mrs. Wilcox. He checked his watch and couldn't help but sigh to himself as the vicar droned on and made his weekly request for everyone to "pray for peace." It seemed rather futile, given the depressing news headlines he'd watched this morning. Still, one had to keep the faith.A tap on his arm brought him to his senses."Thought you'd like to know, Norm dearie, that I've ordered some certain little items off the interweb. You and I are going to have a day at the races.""Can't wait Gladys! Tuesday's out though - remember you agreed to hold the Parochial church council meeting at your place.""Haven't forgotten that," the old lady replied, and winked at him. He bit his lip, wondering what she had planned. A day at the races? That was sure to involve that trusty riding crop again. What on earth had she been buying online?"You know Gordon; when I see you wearing that black gown, it always does it for me." Miya's voice trembled as he created persistent strokes that intensified her squelching sounds. "I; ah; it makes you look like Severus Snape. You know, from Harry Potter?"Gordon wasn't familiar with much of the franchise. "Never got into that. Harry and the Chamber Pot of Afghanistan or something; think that film was repeated on TV recently. You'll have to; enlighten me. Glad you like the robe; it's less restrictive than a surplice, given what you have in mind!"He shifted on the stool and brushed the open-fronted gown off his thighs to give her a clear view of his crotch bulge. His fingers kept diligently working in her, keeping a nice stable rhythm.Miya's eyes widened as she unzipped his black trousers and freed his cock from his y-front underpants. "Gordy, why does it seem bigger than ever in church?" She wrapped her hand around his shaft, barely closing her fist on his girth. His tip glistened with precum."Made to compliment your holy mouth," Gordon remarked saucily. This earned him a squeeze on his shaft and a teasing lick on the head."Ah," he sucked the air between this gritting teeth as Miya tended him with both hands. Stroking. Circling her thumb on his tip. She seductively licked her lips and smiled. Gordon glanced warily at Reverend Morris, who was still in full flow with his sermon. It was fortunate that no-one sat in the pews could see the organist when he was sat at the organ, save for the very top of his head. But from his elevated position in the pulpit, if the vicar were to turn to his right, he'd get a grandstand view."Relax, he's only half-way through the sermon," Miya said. When I was staying at the vicarage, I used to hear him reciting them. They seemed to go on for hours. So boring; even Jenna confessed she dreaded him reading them out to her. Anyways, let's see if you're right about my holy mouth.""Fu; uhm; pardon me," moaned Gordon, halting an expletive due to being in church.He put his hand on Miya's face, gently nudging her along. She took him in carefully, his raging member not fitting entirely in her; . and that's what made it more exciting. She relaxed her throat and managed to take more than half of him. Even though she'd done this many times ever since their relationship began back in June, the rush of excitement every time her mouth touched his cock hadn't dimmed at all. He'd had sex in the church countless times in the past, mostly with the vicar's wife, but never during a service. This was his first time being pleasured during the Sunday Eucharist. That fact served to excite him even more. It was so; wrong, so naughty; so; sinful."Deary, you're so beautiful; especially with me in your mouth," Gordon chuckled. His hips buckled slowly to push his meat deeper into her. Miya winced a little, her gag reflex massaging his girth. "Mmm;“Reverend Fletcher wanted nothing more than to stand up and stretch. His back was aching. The old wooden chair he was sat in was torture, and provided no support."Oh Simon, you never did learn the value of truncating your sermons," he sighed to himself. "When will this bloody lesson endeth?" Being sat further back, behind the pulpit, he had a good view of the choir, who were mostly looking miserable, particularly the younger members, two of whom were furtively glancing at smartphones.He turned to his right and did a double take at what he saw at the organ."To join God's family; in whose image we are made; is not just to take His name, but to start acting as He acts! We are, as Jesus said, to: 'give to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's.' Amen!"Reverend Morris ended his sermon, and never had the congregation been more grateful."Miya;“ Gordon stammered, watching his girlfriend's head in his lap, working diligently. "The sermon's over; I'll have to start playing the hymn."Miya moved her hands to unbutton her blouse and revealed her nice perky breasts with pale pink nipples. She plopped his member out of her mouth and rubbed her breasts between them. "Do it then," she smiled."Oh God; I'm not sure I can," Gordon moaned."Please stand for our hymn, The King of Love Our Shepherd Is," Reverend Morris said."Do you like that?" Miya whispered as she licked slowly down Gordon's cock again."Humph; yeah, just like that; right, uh, must play;“ he fumbled with the music sheets. The slight pause before he started was missed by the congregation, as was the wrong note during the first line of the hymn.Gordon licked his lips and tried his best to concentrate on playing. It was difficult for him to press down on the organ's pedalboard due to Miya's head being in his lap and her hands on his thighs. Not to mention, his fingers were wet with her cunt juices.Reverend Fletcher had an even better view now that he was standing up. He watched, mesmerized, as Miya's head bobbed up and down, sucking Gordon's cock almost in time with the music. Glancing at the organist, who by now was red-faced and sweating, he chuckled at the enormous amount of effort he was putting in, in order to remain composed."By jove, two organs being played at once!" He remarked, feeling his ancient cock throb and stiffen back to life. A bigger comeback than Lazarus was occurring under his robes. Reaching into a pocket, he pulled out a smartphone. "One must record such an event; eh, for the good of the church of course." Using the loose sleeves of his robes for cover, he began filming;Reverend Morris came down the steps of the pulpit and failed to noticed the spectacle that had transfixed his mentor. Completely oblivious, he headed over to the altar, to prepare for communion.By the hymn's fifth verse, Gordon's focus was crumbling, as Miya dragged him helplessly towards orgasm.Thou spreadist a table in my sight;thy unction grace bestoweth;and oh, what transport of delightfrom thy pure chalice floweth!"Damn, soon my cum will floweth," Gordon muttered through gritted teeth. These lyrics weren't helping one bit. He was panting and groaning, and luckily the sounds from the mighty pipe organ were masking his expressions of delight.Miya teased the head of his cock and stroked his balls.That touch of hers pushed him over the edge.A kiss on the underside of his shaft was too much.Oh, bloody hell. He was cumming.The final verse of the hymn was marred by several wrong notes played by trembling fingers, as Gordon came. "Ah," he groaned.Thick sprays of warm cum filled Miya's mouth and throat. Fuck, she loved it so much. She felt him twitch in her, and she swallowed every salty, tangy drop.Gordon almost fell backwards off the organ stool, but managed to steady himself in time.Miya kissed the tip of his cock and crawled next to him, trilling softly at the nook of his neck. He tightened his arm around her and stroked her cheek.He whispered. "That was bloody fantastic. I love you so much.""Love you too, my Gordy-pie. I'm so glad I got to play your organ at the Sunday service."Reverend Fletcher stopped filming."Must change these underpants when I get home.""Think Gordon's been on the whiskey," Norman muttered to Mrs. Wilcox, as they sat down. "Not his best performance. He usually plays so perfectly.""Are you sure it wasn't Miya playing?""No, it was definitely Gordon. I can see the top of his head. Can't see Miya sat next to him; maybe she's gone to the loo?""Either that or she was playing a different organ," the old lady smirked."Gladys! You dirty old girl!"Ponyplay and Advent calendars.Monday morning had arrived, but Reverend Fletcher was in no hurry to get up. He lay back on his bed and sighed. His hand fell to his crotch, rubbing his hardening cock. The soft material of his pajamas felt good on his shaft, making him harder, soft groans escaping. He was widowed and lived alone.Closing his eyes, Reverend Fletcher removed his clothing. His hand drifted up and down his cock as his mind imagined beautiful women pleasuring him; one woman in particular. The pretty little thing he'd filmed blowing the organist at St Michael's a few weeks back. Who was she? He simply had to find out. And was Simon Morris aware of what was occurring at his Sunday service? Now that his three week placement as a speaker at a Christian organization in Cardiff was over, he could focus on less holy matters. He was glad to be back home at last.

christmas god tv love jesus christ bible mother passion story brothers cross putting dad funny shame afghanistan harry potter fantasy praise exodus afraid ephesians union advent series romance lust finish reaching intimacy sisters sexuality relax fuck address lazarus amen runs norman virgin caesar norm nah affair mum lovely bit oral lancaster anal thick michaels cardiff dickens erotic holy land st paul experimentation fantasies wilcox black sheep all saints oh god mmm sensuality queen victoria my little pony circling cambria aye cavalry st michael calibri special delivery gordy coupling remembrance sunday intercourse all souls descriptive miya saint michael severus snape tryst stroking gbh glancing deary st columba dwaine lurid parochial simon morris humph dear brothers

The Lusty Chamberlain Daughters: Part 2

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 2, 2024

Is it sinfulness; or desire for a blessing?By cocteleo. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, 2010A London Parish VicarReverend William Seldon, vicar of a well-to-do church in London, was having a hard time writing his next sermon. He was in the middle of wrestling with the topic of the evils of lust when his housekeeper knocked on his study door and came in bearing a tea tray.As the plump and comfortable middle-aged woman set it down on his desk, she said, "Begging your pardon, sir, but I thought you might like a bite or two.""Ah yes, thank you, Mrs. Blandford." He set his pen down and rubbed at his tired eyes.His servant gave him a scolding look as she poured him a cup and handed him a plate of biscuits. "You've been working too hard, sir. You need to rest more!"Mrs. Blandford bustled around the small space, straightening and picking up discarded handkerchiefs and odds and ends, and after once more admonishing him to take a break, she left him alone again.William sighed as he distractedly ran his hands through his hair and stared unseeing down at what he had written. The problem wasn't that he had been working too hard. His church was not in the most fashionable part of town, but nor was it in an impoverished part either. There were plenty of middle-class Londoners among his flock, and they were a tame lot who paid their tithes on time. No, he did not worry about their everlasting souls, nor did he worry about his financial status, which was quite comfortable.One paragraph of his sermon caught his eye. "To lust is to submit to the Devil's will. It is a dark and twisted path to hell, and we must do all that we can to maintain purity and innocence of mind. To live healthy and clean is to gain the path of Heaven."William leaned back in his chair, looking at the wall where a portrait of his deceased father hung. His father had also been a vicar and moreover, an extremely moral, upright man. The grim face in the portrait was set in lines of disapproval, as if he knew William's shameful, dark thoughts.If only his problems were as simple as material wealth and the salvation of his congregants! No, his problem was worse, much worse. He struggled mightily for a minute, trying to focus on his sermon, but there was no helping it. With a shameful desperation, he sprang to his feet and locked the door, quickly returning to his desk.After opening the bottom drawer, he easily found and pulled out a booklet from its hiding place. The pages were worn and thin from many readings. He flipped it open to his favorite part, a series of illustrations that began with an extremely well-endowed woman fellating a man with a giant cock. Just the sight of those beloved pages had him immediately hard and ready, and he took his cock out of his breeches and began stroking it with a sigh of pleasure as he gazed hungrily at the naughty pictures.Instead of the woman in the drawings, however, he imagined instead a young woman with curly blonde hair and crystal blue eyes, kneeling before him and wrapping her pink lips around his cock. She was voracious, sucking and licking him with complete abandon and enthusiasm. William could almost feel the moist heat, the sucking pull of her mouth.It had been a long time since he had felt a woman's touch. He and his friend, Andrew Jennings, had gone to quite a few brothels during their university days. There were also several willing barmaids in the local taverns who were always ready for a tumble with randy young students in exchange for a few coins. But ever since he had taken over his London parish as vicar, he felt a heavy weight of responsibility, and could always hear in his mind his father's sober remonstrances to lead his flock by example.Closing his eyes, William focused again on the thought of the young woman's luscious body. Just yesterday, as they were climbing the narrow stairs of the Tower of London, he had allowed her to pass him and she had squeezed by, inadvertently brushing her round arse against the front of his trousers, where he was, as always around her, sporting a substantial bulge. Then, on the way down, she had bumped her large, soft breasts against his chest. He groaned now, remembering the feel of those plump, bouncing orbs. Those simple, innocent touches had kept him hard during the entire excursion, which made it damned difficult to go up and down those stairs!He pumped his dripping member ever harder now, thinking of her ample bosom. In his fantasy, she wrapped her fat tits around his cock, using her tongue on the head as it appeared between the pale mounds with every stroke. He fisted himself ever faster, nearing his release, panting now. William turned the page again to see the woman laid out on her back, taking that huge cock into her cunt. In his imaginings, her face transformed into one of ripe, young innocence, trusting and loving as he thrust into her tight, wet cunny. When she licked her lips and gave him a sultry smile, William was done for."Oh fuck!" he grunted as he came, his balls boiling with pleasure. He caught his seed in his handkerchief before it could soil his shirt, and gave his cock a few more slow strokes, savoring the echoes of his blissful release.Fleetingly, he thought of the last time he had lain with a woman, during an orgy that he and Andrew had attended as a last hurrah before being ordained a few years ago. He had fucked so many women that night, his cock had been slightly raw the next day. There was one busty woman that he had pounded into from behind while she sucked on Andrew's shaft, moaning lasciviously the whole time. Her cunny had felt so tight and hot and wet, and her round ass had bounced appealingly with every thrust. Three years was too long to go celibate, perhaps. It was as good as any reason to blame for his recent insatiable sexual appetite.As soon as his lusty urges had been sated, he was again filled with the same shame and self-admonishment that had been haunting him more and more lately. Groaning, he crumpled the handkerchief into a ball and buttoned himself back up. Mrs. Blandford must wonder why he went through so many handkerchiefs every day.With a heavy sigh, tinged with guilt, he carefully put away the dirty picture book and turned again to his sermon. Lust! He felt like such a fraud. He couldn't even go one day without stroking himself off. In fact, he often did it two or three times a day now.The Chamberlains in LondonThe clock on the mantel chimed the hour and William stood, both trepidation and excitement filling him. It was time to call on the Chamberlains'.Two months ago, he had received a letter from another Oxford friend, Henry Carter. Henry had gotten married two years ago to Miss Belinda Chamberlain and already had one son. Andrew Jennings, on a visit to him in Glenwood, had met and soon married the middle sister, Fiona.In the letter, Henry had explained that his father and mother-in-law were in town with their youngest daughter, Jane, for the London season. Could William be so kind as to pay a call? Without her two sisters, both of whom were in confinement and expecting a child at any moment, Jane had no one but her parents for ready company in London."I hope you will be able to find some time to visit them, William. My sister-in-law is charming and droll; you will not find it any chore to spend time with her. She is likely a little lonely without her sisters, so I think a friendly face would be welcome."The Chamberlains had indeed welcomed him with open arms."Any friend of Henry and Andrew's must be a friend of ours!" they said whenever he politely protested their constant invitations to tea and dinner. This afternoon, he was to call for Jane and lead her on a tour of the latest exhibition at the Royal Museum.In less than half an hour, he was in the Chamberlains' sitting room, attempting to appear calm as Miss Jane entered with her mother. He clasped her hand as she lifted her pretty face and smiled up at him. Her blue eyes sparkled and her blonde curls shone in the afternoon light.Yes, Jane Chamberlain was the same girl William had just degraded in his fantasy, had made into fuel for his shameful self-pleasure.In fact, ever since he had first met her, calling soon after he had received Henry's letter, she had taken over his fevered mind. Her perky breasts, always displayed in low-cut bodices, and her lush curves kept his cock half hard whenever they were together, and as he had found himself designated as her London tour guide, they were together a lot.Spending so much time in Jane's company was a delectable torture. William found her a very agreeable and charming girl, just as Henry had described. But it was her body, a body that seemed tailor-made for bawdy sex, that made him burn. Whenever he stroked himself, it was Jane that he would guiltily undress in his mind.William could imagine her huge, perky tits bouncing as he fucked her while she lay on her back. He could picture taking her from behind as he massaged and spanked her round ass. In fact, in his fantasies, Jane had done innumerable nasty acts, things he was sure she had never even heard hints of.But he couldn't stop, and in fact, now had to masturbate before their every meeting to take the edge off. Just the sight of Jane's deep décolletage could turn him into a stammering fool. He was having to find more and more creative ways to hide his raging erections, despite his frequent self-pleasuring, and the amount of handkerchiefs he was going through these days was unprecedented.Jane herself seemed to be completely oblivious of the effect she had on him. Her behavior was always perfectly poised and lady-like. She had a wry sense of humor and had often remarked that she enjoyed his company, but he had never detected even a suggestion of flirtation on her part. William found that he liked her more and more as the weeks passed, and had even wondered if he should join his friends in selecting a Chamberlain daughter for his bride.But he just couldn't imagine asking Jane to suck his cock or allow him to eat her cunny, let alone do the dozens of even more debauched acts he constantly envisioned when he took himself in hand. A well-behaved lady such as herself expected sex to be done under the covers in the dark, and to do it only as much as necessary. She wasn't a whore in a brothel, after all. She would want to be treated with the utmost respect, in bed and out.With a start, he became aware that Mrs. Chamberlain was speaking to him. "I hope this won't inconvenience you too much, Mr. Seldon? After all, you can always go to the Royal Museum some other afternoon.""Err, yes?" he said, utterly bewildered. What had he just missed as he mused on Jane's womanly qualities?At that moment, the butler opened the doors of the sitting room and announced, "Dr. Hoffman, ma'am."A distinguished looking older gentleman with a white beard and mustache came in. He executed a stiff bow and nodded at William. "Is this the priest?" he asked in a slight Germanic accent."Yes, doctor, we have invited him just as you asked." Mrs. Chamberlain made the introductions and then asked anxiously, "Where shall the examination take place?"The doctor's sober gray eyes took in the sitting room, elegantly appointed in tasteful furniture. He pointed to a chaise lounge and said, "That shall do very nicely, ma'am. Now, I must ask you to let the priest and I do our work. If mothers are in the room, I have found that it is less likely the patient will be truthful.""Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?" Mrs. Chamberlain fluttered her handkerchief and William finally noticed that she did not seem herself this afternoon. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she showed every indication of bursting into tears at any minute. Jane, on the other hand, looked as serene and self-possessed as ever as she sat primly on a chair. William wondered what on earth was going on."Now, now, Mrs. Chamberlain. You must trust to my methods and let me do what you hired me to do." The doctor's words were calm and reassuring as he led the lady out of the room. "I shall call you when I am ready. Why don't you have a rest in your room upstairs while we are conducting the examination?"Nodding disconsolately, Mrs. Chamberlain sniffled as she exited. Dr. Hoffman closed the door behind her and locked it, pocketing the key. At William's raised eyebrow, he explained, "I have found it is best to ensure privacy from any impertinent servants."Carrying his large, black medical bag towards the chaise lounge, he set it down on a low table. At his direction, William carried two chairs over and placed them right at the end of the low sofa."Now Miss Jane," the doctor said, gesturing towards the girl, who had been quietly watching the proceedings with bright, curious eyes. "Please, come here."Obediently, Jane stood and walked towards them. William tried to catch her eye in inquiry, still being wholly unaware as to what was happening, but she was gazing expectantly at Dr. Hoffman."We shall disrobe now, eh?" that man said, to William's utter amazement. In a state of shock, he watched as Jane docilely turned so that the doctor could begin unbuttoning her simple muslin dress, letting it pool at her feet. He did not stop there; he continued to divest Jane of every item of clothing until all of her perfect loveliness was bared. Then, she was led to the chaise and laid down.By this time, William was feeling slightly dizzy. All of his fantasies for the past several weeks had not prepared him for seeing Jane's creamy, rose-tipped breasts, her alabaster expanse of skin, her delectable nakedness in person. Her tits looked as delicious as he had always imagined, unmarred by any deformity. And they were the perfect size, large handfuls that jiggled with every movement as she settled herself against the brocade fabric cushions."Is this how you want me, doctor?""Yes, yes, that's quite all right, my dear." Dr. Hoffman replied in a brisk, practical tone. "Now where did I put those forceps?" he muttered, rummaging in his bag, not even looking at Jane.William, however, could not help staring. He knew he had an enormous bulge in his trousers, but there was no helping that in the current situation. Jane reclined on one elbow, her other hand lightly tracing her collarbone. He followed the line of her legs to the light patch of blonde curls at their apex. It was impossible to know where to keep his gaze. The enticing vee between her legs beckoned, but so did the swells of her bountiful bosom, her smooth belly, her pink lips.Jane startled him out of his focused perusal of her body by saying, "Thank you ever so much for agreeing to help with the examination, Mr. Seldon."He dragged his eyes to hers, which were sparkling with merriment and mischief. It was difficult to believe, but she did not seem to have any embarrassment or self-consciousness at her nudity. She seemed as tranquil as if they really were just walking through a museum. William, on the other hand, could almost hear his own heart beating."Yes, very important to have a priest on hand," said Dr. Hoffman, turning towards them. "They are always so pure and trustworthy, you see."William only nodded as he swallowed thickly. It wouldn't do to tell the doctor that his thoughts were far from pure at the moment. But he would have said or done anything to stay in that room.The doctor gestured him to one of the chairs and William sat, Jane's ripe, young body laid out before him like a feast.Taking the other chair, Dr. Hoffman set a tray of instruments down on a low end table between them. Then, he guided Jane so that she lay with her bum at the edge of the sofa. He spread her legs, placing her feet on either side of the piece of furniture, and William began to salivate as Jane's perfect, pink cunny came into view.It was glistening slightly and Dr. Hoffman tisked as he leaned forward and swiped a finger through the slick folds. Shaking his head, he held it up to William. "So wet already. I'm afraid this is a serious case, Mr. Seldon.""A serious case of what?" William was still completely bewildered."Why, of sinful lust, of course. You see how her nipples are extended. How engorged her vaginal lips are." He used the same finger to trace her entrance and Jane moaned, eliciting another series of disappointed clucks from the doctor. "And look at her clitoris! It is almost throbbing, you see?" He pinched it between his fingers and Jane gasped."Oh yes, doctor! Please touch it more!" she begged.But Dr. Hoffman just shook his head again and sighed. "I am not sure if there is any treatment for such an extreme case as this, but I promised Mrs. Chamberlain I would at least complete the examination. You, Mr. Seldon, shall help me."He pulled out a notebook and gestured to the tray of instruments. "Now, if you could please insert the brass condenser rod into her rectal cavity?"His hand was trembling slightly, but William eagerly found the long cylindrical instrument, about the thickness of his finger, already coated in oil. Leaning forward, he began to insert it into Jane's arse.There was a slight resistance and Jane let out a whimper. William paused at the sound, looking up and meeting her gaze. There was no trepidation, however, in her expression. Only a fierce hunger in her eyes as she stared back at him. "Oh yes," she whispered as he resumed sliding it slowly inside."Miss Jane, that was placed very easily by Mr. Seldon. Have you ever put anything inside your anus?" the doctor sternly asked as he made notations."Umm, ever so many things," Jane said. She was caressing her breasts now and under William's hot gaze, she pinched and pulled at her nipples."Your mother said you were found in the kitchen yesterday, using a mincing pestle to violate your rectum. Is this true?" The doctor was busily scribbling, completely unaware that William still held the thermometer and was lightly thrusting it back and forth in Jane's tight bum."Yes, doctor," she gasped."Not only is that an abominably unhygienic use of a pestle, Miss Jane, but don't you understand that this is a disgusting and depraved act?" Dr. Hoffman looked up now and William quickly let go of the thermometer, leaving it seated deep inside Jane's ass."Umm, but doctor, it feels so good!" Jane was shifting restlessly on the couch now. Her cunny was gushing fluids, coating the insides of her thighs. William could smell her musky odor and it made him salivate even more."Humph!" The doctor went back to his notebook. "Mr. Seldon, if you would be so kind as to check if Miss Jane's hymen is still intact?""Yes, of course," William said, attempting to hide the excitement in his voice. He spread Jane's lips open with his left hand and with his right, inserted two fingers into her moist depths. His stiff cock gave a twitch as he felt a woman's cunny for the first time in years; it was exquisite. At hearing Jane's appreciative moan, he looked up and saw her watching him, her lids half-lowered. When she licked her lips, William nearly groaned aloud.He circled his fingers in her sopping cunt, relishing its tight heat. The thought of feeling her wonderful cunny wrapped around his cock was causing him to leak precum like a hose in his trousers."Well, Mr. Seldon?""Oh, err, I'm afraid I don't feel anything, doctor."Letting out another one of his disappointed sighs, Dr. Hoffman said, "It is just as her mother feared. She found this in Miss Jane's bedchamber the other day." With his pencil, he tapped a large wooden dildo that was on the tray with the other instruments. "Look at the size of this, sir! Really, Miss Jane, wherever did you get this?""Why, my sister Fiona gave it to me for my eighteenth birthday. She said it was a tradition in our family." William felt a jolt go through him at hearing the name of Andrew Jennings' wife.Dr. Hoffman scoffed. "Tradition! Yes, your mother told me of the scandalous behavior of your sisters. A licentious strain in the family blood, I suppose, although it is very interesting that all three siblings seem to have it."Pulling a handkerchief out of his breast pocket, he offered it to William. "You may cease now, Mr. Seldon. You are being a very cooperative assistant and I am very grateful."Clearing his throat, William politely refused as he reluctantly parted from Jane's cunny. "Ah, no thanks, doctor, I have my own handkerchief just here," he said, reaching into his waistcoat pocket. But instead of using it, William quickly stuck his fingers in his mouth as the doctor turned away. He sucked off Jane's juices, savoring their delicious flavor.

The Lusty Chamberlain Daughters: Part 2

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 2, 2024

Is it sinfulness; or desire for a blessing?By cocteleo. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, 2010A London Parish VicarReverend William Seldon, vicar of a well-to-do church in London, was having a hard time writing his next sermon. He was in the middle of wrestling with the topic of the evils of lust when his housekeeper knocked on his study door and came in bearing a tea tray.As the plump and comfortable middle-aged woman set it down on his desk, she said, "Begging your pardon, sir, but I thought you might like a bite or two.""Ah yes, thank you, Mrs. Blandford." He set his pen down and rubbed at his tired eyes.His servant gave him a scolding look as she poured him a cup and handed him a plate of biscuits. "You've been working too hard, sir. You need to rest more!"Mrs. Blandford bustled around the small space, straightening and picking up discarded handkerchiefs and odds and ends, and after once more admonishing him to take a break, she left him alone again.William sighed as he distractedly ran his hands through his hair and stared unseeing down at what he had written. The problem wasn't that he had been working too hard. His church was not in the most fashionable part of town, but nor was it in an impoverished part either. There were plenty of middle-class Londoners among his flock, and they were a tame lot who paid their tithes on time. No, he did not worry about their everlasting souls, nor did he worry about his financial status, which was quite comfortable.One paragraph of his sermon caught his eye. "To lust is to submit to the Devil's will. It is a dark and twisted path to hell, and we must do all that we can to maintain purity and innocence of mind. To live healthy and clean is to gain the path of Heaven."William leaned back in his chair, looking at the wall where a portrait of his deceased father hung. His father had also been a vicar and moreover, an extremely moral, upright man. The grim face in the portrait was set in lines of disapproval, as if he knew William's shameful, dark thoughts.If only his problems were as simple as material wealth and the salvation of his congregants! No, his problem was worse, much worse. He struggled mightily for a minute, trying to focus on his sermon, but there was no helping it. With a shameful desperation, he sprang to his feet and locked the door, quickly returning to his desk.After opening the bottom drawer, he easily found and pulled out a booklet from its hiding place. The pages were worn and thin from many readings. He flipped it open to his favorite part, a series of illustrations that began with an extremely well-endowed woman fellating a man with a giant cock. Just the sight of those beloved pages had him immediately hard and ready, and he took his cock out of his breeches and began stroking it with a sigh of pleasure as he gazed hungrily at the naughty pictures.Instead of the woman in the drawings, however, he imagined instead a young woman with curly blonde hair and crystal blue eyes, kneeling before him and wrapping her pink lips around his cock. She was voracious, sucking and licking him with complete abandon and enthusiasm. William could almost feel the moist heat, the sucking pull of her mouth.It had been a long time since he had felt a woman's touch. He and his friend, Andrew Jennings, had gone to quite a few brothels during their university days. There were also several willing barmaids in the local taverns who were always ready for a tumble with randy young students in exchange for a few coins. But ever since he had taken over his London parish as vicar, he felt a heavy weight of responsibility, and could always hear in his mind his father's sober remonstrances to lead his flock by example.Closing his eyes, William focused again on the thought of the young woman's luscious body. Just yesterday, as they were climbing the narrow stairs of the Tower of London, he had allowed her to pass him and she had squeezed by, inadvertently brushing her round arse against the front of his trousers, where he was, as always around her, sporting a substantial bulge. Then, on the way down, she had bumped her large, soft breasts against his chest. He groaned now, remembering the feel of those plump, bouncing orbs. Those simple, innocent touches had kept him hard during the entire excursion, which made it damned difficult to go up and down those stairs!He pumped his dripping member ever harder now, thinking of her ample bosom. In his fantasy, she wrapped her fat tits around his cock, using her tongue on the head as it appeared between the pale mounds with every stroke. He fisted himself ever faster, nearing his release, panting now. William turned the page again to see the woman laid out on her back, taking that huge cock into her cunt. In his imaginings, her face transformed into one of ripe, young innocence, trusting and loving as he thrust into her tight, wet cunny. When she licked her lips and gave him a sultry smile, William was done for."Oh fuck!" he grunted as he came, his balls boiling with pleasure. He caught his seed in his handkerchief before it could soil his shirt, and gave his cock a few more slow strokes, savoring the echoes of his blissful release.Fleetingly, he thought of the last time he had lain with a woman, during an orgy that he and Andrew had attended as a last hurrah before being ordained a few years ago. He had fucked so many women that night, his cock had been slightly raw the next day. There was one busty woman that he had pounded into from behind while she sucked on Andrew's shaft, moaning lasciviously the whole time. Her cunny had felt so tight and hot and wet, and her round ass had bounced appealingly with every thrust. Three years was too long to go celibate, perhaps. It was as good as any reason to blame for his recent insatiable sexual appetite.As soon as his lusty urges had been sated, he was again filled with the same shame and self-admonishment that had been haunting him more and more lately. Groaning, he crumpled the handkerchief into a ball and buttoned himself back up. Mrs. Blandford must wonder why he went through so many handkerchiefs every day.With a heavy sigh, tinged with guilt, he carefully put away the dirty picture book and turned again to his sermon. Lust! He felt like such a fraud. He couldn't even go one day without stroking himself off. In fact, he often did it two or three times a day now.The Chamberlains in LondonThe clock on the mantel chimed the hour and William stood, both trepidation and excitement filling him. It was time to call on the Chamberlains'.Two months ago, he had received a letter from another Oxford friend, Henry Carter. Henry had gotten married two years ago to Miss Belinda Chamberlain and already had one son. Andrew Jennings, on a visit to him in Glenwood, had met and soon married the middle sister, Fiona.In the letter, Henry had explained that his father and mother-in-law were in town with their youngest daughter, Jane, for the London season. Could William be so kind as to pay a call? Without her two sisters, both of whom were in confinement and expecting a child at any moment, Jane had no one but her parents for ready company in London."I hope you will be able to find some time to visit them, William. My sister-in-law is charming and droll; you will not find it any chore to spend time with her. She is likely a little lonely without her sisters, so I think a friendly face would be welcome."The Chamberlains had indeed welcomed him with open arms."Any friend of Henry and Andrew's must be a friend of ours!" they said whenever he politely protested their constant invitations to tea and dinner. This afternoon, he was to call for Jane and lead her on a tour of the latest exhibition at the Royal Museum.In less than half an hour, he was in the Chamberlains' sitting room, attempting to appear calm as Miss Jane entered with her mother. He clasped her hand as she lifted her pretty face and smiled up at him. Her blue eyes sparkled and her blonde curls shone in the afternoon light.Yes, Jane Chamberlain was the same girl William had just degraded in his fantasy, had made into fuel for his shameful self-pleasure.In fact, ever since he had first met her, calling soon after he had received Henry's letter, she had taken over his fevered mind. Her perky breasts, always displayed in low-cut bodices, and her lush curves kept his cock half hard whenever they were together, and as he had found himself designated as her London tour guide, they were together a lot.Spending so much time in Jane's company was a delectable torture. William found her a very agreeable and charming girl, just as Henry had described. But it was her body, a body that seemed tailor-made for bawdy sex, that made him burn. Whenever he stroked himself, it was Jane that he would guiltily undress in his mind.William could imagine her huge, perky tits bouncing as he fucked her while she lay on her back. He could picture taking her from behind as he massaged and spanked her round ass. In fact, in his fantasies, Jane had done innumerable nasty acts, things he was sure she had never even heard hints of.But he couldn't stop, and in fact, now had to masturbate before their every meeting to take the edge off. Just the sight of Jane's deep décolletage could turn him into a stammering fool. He was having to find more and more creative ways to hide his raging erections, despite his frequent self-pleasuring, and the amount of handkerchiefs he was going through these days was unprecedented.Jane herself seemed to be completely oblivious of the effect she had on him. Her behavior was always perfectly poised and lady-like. She had a wry sense of humor and had often remarked that she enjoyed his company, but he had never detected even a suggestion of flirtation on her part. William found that he liked her more and more as the weeks passed, and had even wondered if he should join his friends in selecting a Chamberlain daughter for his bride.But he just couldn't imagine asking Jane to suck his cock or allow him to eat her cunny, let alone do the dozens of even more debauched acts he constantly envisioned when he took himself in hand. A well-behaved lady such as herself expected sex to be done under the covers in the dark, and to do it only as much as necessary. She wasn't a whore in a brothel, after all. She would want to be treated with the utmost respect, in bed and out.With a start, he became aware that Mrs. Chamberlain was speaking to him. "I hope this won't inconvenience you too much, Mr. Seldon? After all, you can always go to the Royal Museum some other afternoon.""Err, yes?" he said, utterly bewildered. What had he just missed as he mused on Jane's womanly qualities?At that moment, the butler opened the doors of the sitting room and announced, "Dr. Hoffman, ma'am."A distinguished looking older gentleman with a white beard and mustache came in. He executed a stiff bow and nodded at William. "Is this the priest?" he asked in a slight Germanic accent."Yes, doctor, we have invited him just as you asked." Mrs. Chamberlain made the introductions and then asked anxiously, "Where shall the examination take place?"The doctor's sober gray eyes took in the sitting room, elegantly appointed in tasteful furniture. He pointed to a chaise lounge and said, "That shall do very nicely, ma'am. Now, I must ask you to let the priest and I do our work. If mothers are in the room, I have found that it is less likely the patient will be truthful.""Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?" Mrs. Chamberlain fluttered her handkerchief and William finally noticed that she did not seem herself this afternoon. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she showed every indication of bursting into tears at any minute. Jane, on the other hand, looked as serene and self-possessed as ever as she sat primly on a chair. William wondered what on earth was going on."Now, now, Mrs. Chamberlain. You must trust to my methods and let me do what you hired me to do." The doctor's words were calm and reassuring as he led the lady out of the room. "I shall call you when I am ready. Why don't you have a rest in your room upstairs while we are conducting the examination?"Nodding disconsolately, Mrs. Chamberlain sniffled as she exited. Dr. Hoffman closed the door behind her and locked it, pocketing the key. At William's raised eyebrow, he explained, "I have found it is best to ensure privacy from any impertinent servants."Carrying his large, black medical bag towards the chaise lounge, he set it down on a low table. At his direction, William carried two chairs over and placed them right at the end of the low sofa."Now Miss Jane," the doctor said, gesturing towards the girl, who had been quietly watching the proceedings with bright, curious eyes. "Please, come here."Obediently, Jane stood and walked towards them. William tried to catch her eye in inquiry, still being wholly unaware as to what was happening, but she was gazing expectantly at Dr. Hoffman."We shall disrobe now, eh?" that man said, to William's utter amazement. In a state of shock, he watched as Jane docilely turned so that the doctor could begin unbuttoning her simple muslin dress, letting it pool at her feet. He did not stop there; he continued to divest Jane of every item of clothing until all of her perfect loveliness was bared. Then, she was led to the chaise and laid down.By this time, William was feeling slightly dizzy. All of his fantasies for the past several weeks had not prepared him for seeing Jane's creamy, rose-tipped breasts, her alabaster expanse of skin, her delectable nakedness in person. Her tits looked as delicious as he had always imagined, unmarred by any deformity. And they were the perfect size, large handfuls that jiggled with every movement as she settled herself against the brocade fabric cushions."Is this how you want me, doctor?""Yes, yes, that's quite all right, my dear." Dr. Hoffman replied in a brisk, practical tone. "Now where did I put those forceps?" he muttered, rummaging in his bag, not even looking at Jane.William, however, could not help staring. He knew he had an enormous bulge in his trousers, but there was no helping that in the current situation. Jane reclined on one elbow, her other hand lightly tracing her collarbone. He followed the line of her legs to the light patch of blonde curls at their apex. It was impossible to know where to keep his gaze. The enticing vee between her legs beckoned, but so did the swells of her bountiful bosom, her smooth belly, her pink lips.Jane startled him out of his focused perusal of her body by saying, "Thank you ever so much for agreeing to help with the examination, Mr. Seldon."He dragged his eyes to hers, which were sparkling with merriment and mischief. It was difficult to believe, but she did not seem to have any embarrassment or self-consciousness at her nudity. She seemed as tranquil as if they really were just walking through a museum. William, on the other hand, could almost hear his own heart beating."Yes, very important to have a priest on hand," said Dr. Hoffman, turning towards them. "They are always so pure and trustworthy, you see."William only nodded as he swallowed thickly. It wouldn't do to tell the doctor that his thoughts were far from pure at the moment. But he would have said or done anything to stay in that room.The doctor gestured him to one of the chairs and William sat, Jane's ripe, young body laid out before him like a feast.Taking the other chair, Dr. Hoffman set a tray of instruments down on a low end table between them. Then, he guided Jane so that she lay with her bum at the edge of the sofa. He spread her legs, placing her feet on either side of the piece of furniture, and William began to salivate as Jane's perfect, pink cunny came into view.It was glistening slightly and Dr. Hoffman tisked as he leaned forward and swiped a finger through the slick folds. Shaking his head, he held it up to William. "So wet already. I'm afraid this is a serious case, Mr. Seldon.""A serious case of what?" William was still completely bewildered."Why, of sinful lust, of course. You see how her nipples are extended. How engorged her vaginal lips are." He used the same finger to trace her entrance and Jane moaned, eliciting another series of disappointed clucks from the doctor. "And look at her clitoris! It is almost throbbing, you see?" He pinched it between his fingers and Jane gasped."Oh yes, doctor! Please touch it more!" she begged.But Dr. Hoffman just shook his head again and sighed. "I am not sure if there is any treatment for such an extreme case as this, but I promised Mrs. Chamberlain I would at least complete the examination. You, Mr. Seldon, shall help me."He pulled out a notebook and gestured to the tray of instruments. "Now, if you could please insert the brass condenser rod into her rectal cavity?"His hand was trembling slightly, but William eagerly found the long cylindrical instrument, about the thickness of his finger, already coated in oil. Leaning forward, he began to insert it into Jane's arse.There was a slight resistance and Jane let out a whimper. William paused at the sound, looking up and meeting her gaze. There was no trepidation, however, in her expression. Only a fierce hunger in her eyes as she stared back at him. "Oh yes," she whispered as he resumed sliding it slowly inside."Miss Jane, that was placed very easily by Mr. Seldon. Have you ever put anything inside your anus?" the doctor sternly asked as he made notations."Umm, ever so many things," Jane said. She was caressing her breasts now and under William's hot gaze, she pinched and pulled at her nipples."Your mother said you were found in the kitchen yesterday, using a mincing pestle to violate your rectum. Is this true?" The doctor was busily scribbling, completely unaware that William still held the thermometer and was lightly thrusting it back and forth in Jane's tight bum."Yes, doctor," she gasped."Not only is that an abominably unhygienic use of a pestle, Miss Jane, but don't you understand that this is a disgusting and depraved act?" Dr. Hoffman looked up now and William quickly let go of the thermometer, leaving it seated deep inside Jane's ass."Umm, but doctor, it feels so good!" Jane was shifting restlessly on the couch now. Her cunny was gushing fluids, coating the insides of her thighs. William could smell her musky odor and it made him salivate even more."Humph!" The doctor went back to his notebook. "Mr. Seldon, if you would be so kind as to check if Miss Jane's hymen is still intact?""Yes, of course," William said, attempting to hide the excitement in his voice. He spread Jane's lips open with his left hand and with his right, inserted two fingers into her moist depths. His stiff cock gave a twitch as he felt a woman's cunny for the first time in years; it was exquisite. At hearing Jane's appreciative moan, he looked up and saw her watching him, her lids half-lowered. When she licked her lips, William nearly groaned aloud.He circled his fingers in her sopping cunt, relishing its tight heat. The thought of feeling her wonderful cunny wrapped around his cock was causing him to leak precum like a hose in his trousers."Well, Mr. Seldon?""Oh, err, I'm afraid I don't feel anything, doctor."Letting out another one of his disappointed sighs, Dr. Hoffman said, "It is just as her mother feared. She found this in Miss Jane's bedchamber the other day." With his pencil, he tapped a large wooden dildo that was on the tray with the other instruments. "Look at the size of this, sir! Really, Miss Jane, wherever did you get this?""Why, my sister Fiona gave it to me for my eighteenth birthday. She said it was a tradition in our family." William felt a jolt go through him at hearing the name of Andrew Jennings' wife.Dr. Hoffman scoffed. "Tradition! Yes, your mother told me of the scandalous behavior of your sisters. A licentious strain in the family blood, I suppose, although it is very interesting that all three siblings seem to have it."Pulling a handkerchief out of his breast pocket, he offered it to William. "You may cease now, Mr. Seldon. You are being a very cooperative assistant and I am very grateful."Clearing his throat, William politely refused as he reluctantly parted from Jane's cunny. "Ah, no thanks, doctor, I have my own handkerchief just here," he said, reaching into his waistcoat pocket. But instead of using it, William quickly stuck his fingers in his mouth as the doctor turned away. He sucked off Jane's juices, savoring their delicious flavor.

Team Spirit: Part 7

ExplicitNovels

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 26, 2024

Mercedes, Eleanor, and Betsy too.By FinalStand. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels.“Don't fear the waves, fear the undertow.” Emily isn't an idiot so trust her enough to uphold her end of the friendships she's forged.(Two Weeks Later)School has a pattern; first is the uncertainty of taking something new and deciding if you are going to drop the course before the deadline. Then the boredom sets in as you get the hang of what you think you are doing. Finally comes the abject terror that you've committed yourself to a course you hate/can't complete. We were all on the cusp of Stage Three.You could say everyone in the house was a bit stressed about school; when you added in the hormones of the young and things got down right anxious. We dealt with this in a number of ways. We divided up kitchen duty, times for our study groups, and who needed rides to work. For that one day, that Thursday, I was pretty sure we had it all under control.Barney, Betsy, and I are in one corner of the living room doing our history thing while Jesse and his boyfriend Derrick have the other. Mark and Jamie are playing with the X-box, Gina is at work, and Emily and Amber are studying in the kitchen when the doorbell rings. Since none of us are expecting company we look around the room to see who would stop what they are doing to answer the call.Barney losses the battle of wills, sighs and trots to the door. He opens it and stammers something which translates over from Awkward Man-speak as 'hot woman at door'."May I come in," a hauntingly familiar and frightening voice asks. She doesn't wait for Barney to answer opting to push past him and enter the entry hall.I am staring at Mercedes and three thoughts rush through my head; how does she know where we live, what's her plan, and can I reach Jamie before she erupts?"Hey Craig," she purrs at the same time that Emily skips down the hallway with a big smile on her face."Mercedes!" she squeals as she runs up and hugs the newcomer. I would admonish Emily if I wasn't racing to catch Jamie as she comes off the floor."Bitch!" Jamie screams as she thrashes in my bear hug. Since I am holding her arms pinned to her chest she kicks out instead."Please," Emily pleads to Jamie. "We've made up and Mercedes is very sorry about what happened.""That's right," Mercedes smiles mischievously. "I was very bad and I'd like to apologize to both you and Craig.""Oh, to hell you say!" Jamie thunders. "I'm not forgiving shit because you haven't changed, you cunt.""I accept your apology," I tell Mercedes, taking a different tact."Craig, you can't believe this shit?" Jamie gawks as she turns to see if I'd drunk the Kool-Aid."I'm cool with it if Emily is," I soothe Jamie as I back out of the living room toward the bedrooms."You are a bitch," Jamie screams at Mercedes as we exit the room. Once we are in our bedroom and the door is shut I put Jamie down and she promptly slaps me."Don't you ever do that to me again," she snaps."Listen Jamie, it is better to have her and Emily where we can keep an eye on them than have her telling Emily that we aren't really her friends," I explain. I also fail to promise her that I wouldn't remove her from an awkward situation when needed.Jamie vibrates with poorly contained energy, her gaze toward me alternating between impressed and furious. When smoke starts boiling out of her ears I take action. I grab Jamie and kiss her violently, crushing her to me. I give her a little room after a minute."Sex! Now!" Jamie demands."Later," I assuage her, "we have company.""Urr" Jamie responds accompanied with some heavy breathing. My eyes gravitate to her braless breasts, a move that Jamie catches."You are hopeless," she says as she rolls her eyes, but I can tell I've temporarily defused her wrath.I take Jamie's hand and lead her back to the main room. The conversation subsides when we return."So, are we okay?" Mercedes asks sweetly."Sure," I respond. Jamie glares at Mercedes but keeps the peace and resumes her place with the X-box. Emily looks at me nervously so I give her a wink and a smile only belatedly catching Mercedes taking in the whole exchange.I rejoin my study group and we get back to business. I catch Betsy tossing me a questioning look but I indicate that it is a story that takes more than one breath so she lets it lie. Emily and Mercedes go back to their room to 'study' while Amber comes over to the sofa and sits down next to me very platonic-like.I end up being the one to take Betsy home, stopping on the way to pick up Gina from work. Gina is her warm friendly self as she gets into the back seat of my car, hugging me and almost hugging Betsy who barely recoils in time. Once again Betsy gives me this curious look."I have a bunch more girls as friends than actual girlfriends," I try to explain."Of course," she says with a straight face. "It is none of my business anyway.""Wow," Gina snickers, "she's so hot for you.""I am not," insists Betsy. "He's not my type.""No she's not (hot for me)," I add, then, "I'm not?""No, you are not and if he's so hot why are you sharing him with all those other roommates of his?" Betsy asks Gina. Gina chuckles."I'm not sleeping with Craig. He's Mark's best friend and I'm with Mark. So, what is your excuse?" Gina replies."I prefer a prospective boyfriend to have more morals," Betsy informs us. Gina and I exchange looks by way of the rearview mirror."What do you mean Betsy?" I inquire. "I've always been nice to you.""Craig, you sleep with every girl you meet," Betsy explains. Okay..."What makes you think that?" I have to ask causing Betsy to sigh patiently."How many women have you slept with, if you haven't lost count?" she says with a heavy dose of condescension."Three," I fire off immediately. I remind myself that Betsy alienates almost everyone she knows in a matter of months."Do you seriously expect me to believe that?" Betsy replies."Craig," Gina questions me playfully, "how many girls have hit on you?" I have to think about that."A few," I prevaricate. Gina snorts."Mark says that you get all kinds of play at those football parties," she grins."Having some sluts rub up against him hardly makes Craig more appealing," Betsy counters."One; they are not sluts. Two; it was all harmless fun," I grumble."If you say so," she sniffs a rebuff."Betsy, do I bother you?" I inquire. She gave me a serious once over."No, you behave yourself around me and you are pretty smart for a jock," she admits."I feel the same way about you Betsy. You may keep looking at my crotch but you are discrete about it," I tease her. I expect some sort of snappy denial so when she turns and looks out the window without comment I am a bit floored."Betsy, I'm sorry. That was uncalled for," I apologize after a moment."Okay," is her clipped reply."That's good," I tell her. "After all, if you dumped me it would ruin my reputation as a man-whore.""Well," groans Betsy, "we can't have that." Shortly after that we drop Betsy off and Gina has joined me in the front seat, Gina smiles at me and says,"You like her.""Sure I like her but I wish she'd notice that Barney existed. He is so into her and I think he could put up with her crap if they ever got into a relationship," I respond."That's very nice of you. I'm sure she'd sleep with you if you went after her," Gina comments."I think we both know I don't want to sleep with every woman I find attractive," I reply."Don't I know it," she sighs playfully. Getting back is fun to say the least. I really need some quality time with Jamie. Between Mercedes and Betsy I am getting too wound up.Of course, coming through the door Barney 'manhandles' me into the kitchen."Craig, I called Betsy and asked her out on a date," he blubbers."Well, good for you," I smile and pat him on the back."She said yes ... what am I going to do?" he continues to stutter."I imagine you'll pick out a nice place to eat and a movie you think she'll like to see," I suggest."Umm ... okay, right," Barney nods."Barney, relax; this is not the end of the world. Take it one step at a time," but I have a feeling Barney isn't really listening anymore.The thankful thing is everyone else has crashed out so I clean up and creep into my bedroom, hoping for a little comfort. I am about to pad over to Jamie's bed when I see her in mine. As I slip under the covers she moves over ... and I know I've made a mistake."Amber?""Yes," she whispers back. "Emily and the whore are getting busy so Jamie said I could crash here." I remain silent. "Yes," Amber snickers, "she is the dark psychic girl," and by she I know she means Jamie."This doesn't change anything between us right?" I say quietly."No," she answers, then, "Is that your thumb between my legs or are you not hard yet?" I shift around to clarify the matter to her. "Oh fuck, Craig," she hisses, "you are hard as a rock. If you are going to fuck me at least me get my underwear out of the way.""Do you want to fuck?" I all but beg urgently."Wouldn't you rather we cuddle instead?" she tests me. The short, truthful answer is 'no, but would you at least let me get the K-Y under the bed and beat off first', but that's not how I respond. I snuggle up, wrap an arm around her waist and pull her tight. Amber presses her head against my neck and takes a deep breath."Good night," Amber breathes into me. I resolve to somehow will my erection to obedience and I am making some headway, no pun intended, when I hear a woman go off in a very passionate and vocal orgasmic explosion. It has to be Mercedes, the bitch, and because love obviously abhors a vacuum Mark and Gina begin getting busy on the other side of the wall. Now I know what Jesse had gone through last semester.(Friday)I blame myself, really I do. I am so busy getting the story from Emily on how she and Mercedes have hooked back up – Mercedes had come crying to her full of remorse (yeah right) that I forget the other emotional train wreck in my life. Sometimes I think Emily is way too nice a person. An apology led to a coffee, to a walk in the park, to heavy petting at Mercedes' apartment to having sex here at our place.Barney borrows my car for his date; so far so good. He chose one of the nicest places to eat near campus; even better. Had he remembered his wallet things would have worked out, but he didn't, so Betsy ends up paying for their meals. Betsy asks that she drive back to our place to get his wallet, but Barney insists that he drive and of course he is pulled over.That is when Barney apparently losses the ability for coherent speech so he ends up going to the police station with a D U I. Betsy is smart enough to call me to come bail him out; I bring Jamie along to take my car and would have brought her in but she decides Barney was humiliated enough. Jesse is good enough to let me use his car for the pick-up.At the station I meet a fuming Betsy and a friendly officer. After a bit of 'shop talk' about the team's chances next season he agrees to have Barney ROR'ed and he gets to show up to court on Monday to clear this up. The ride back to Betsy's dorm is done in tomb-like silence. At least Barney has enough dignity not to sob."Betsy, I'm sorry," Barney mumbles once we stop to drop Betsy off."Okay," she says curtly then gets out. I can't bare Barney's heartsick look."I'll be right back," I tell Barney. I jump out of the car and race to catch up with Betsy. I find her in front of the elevator."Betsy I'm ... Listen, I know Barney can do better. Please give him another shot," I plead."Are you serious?" she snaps. I nod and to her credit she takes a moment to think it over. She steps into me, puts a hand to the back of my head and draws me down into a kiss. Tentative at first then our tongues began to dart back and forth."Okay," she relents once we break our kiss, "but now we are even for the research paper.""Huh? You came back and helped me with the English paper. You don't owe me anything," I respond."Craig, I would have been lost without your help and I'm smart enough to know it. You would have finished your English assignment with or without me," Betsy relates."Why the kiss then?" I have to ask."I wanted to see what all the fuss was about," she states."I ... well ... how was it?" I inquire."I'm going out with Barney again, am I not?" she smiles. Now I can't decide if that's a good thing or not. Barney is my buddy and I want him to go on a date because his lady wants to spend time with him, not because she feels she owes me something. I guess I have to be satisfied with the hope that this time the real Barney will shine through and impress Betsy with the good guy I know him to be.Barney and I get back without exchanging a word. I have a grand total of a year and a half dating experience and I have never experienced anything like this. Barney is even worse off in the girl-thing than me, so he is of no help. When we get home no one acts out of the ordinary."Barney, Betsy called and she wants you to call her when you got in," Jamie says nonchalantly.Barney looks at me fearfully for an explanation like I'm some guru."Call her," I advise. Like a man walking to the gallows Barney walks over to the phone in the kitchen. The gang (Mark, Gina, Jamie, and Amber) are watching the TV and aren't likely to cut down on the noise. I figure Jesse and Derrick have already headed out for the night.I head to the bathroom; see the door is somewhat ajar so I stroll on in. I catch Derrick drying off and our eyes lock."I need to use the toilet," I inform him. Derrick secures the towel around his waist before walking past me on the way back to Jesse's room. He smacks my ass as he does so."Don't you be play'en now," I tease him which is clearly the last thing he expects me to say. "I know you're someone's bitch."Derrick gives me another look then laughs out loud."I'm going to tell Jesse you said that," he chuckles."What; that you are playing around, or that you're his bitch," I grin."Maybe I'll tell him you hit on me," he suggests."He'll never believe it," I reply. He looks for the punch line and I deliver. "He knows I'm far too afraid of Jamie to ever piss her off by pissing Jesse off that much.""Ha," he laughs again. "I believe it. Jesse's told me about the scars she's left on your back. I'd be afraid of her too.""I'll tell her you said that. It will make her night," I snicker. Derrick heads his way and I relieve myself. I pass Barney on the way back to the living room; he looks somewhat beyond stunned."Everything okay?" I question."Betsy asked if we could try again tomorrow night. I said yes," he mumbles."Good for you," I tell him as I put a hand on his shoulder and turn him around. "Jesse and Derrick are getting dressed."That is code for gay guys doing stuff that us straight guys might not want to wrap our minds around – being confident heterosexuals and all. For all I know they are really getting dressed for a night on the town, but letting Barney stumble in on them probably isn't wise. We return to the living room, Barney takes the recliner and I start to lay out on the sofa. Before I can get comfortable, Jamie and Amber get off the floor and settle in on either side of me – just like old times.(Monday)I'm in second semester Advanced Biology when I get a text from the Coach to contact him ASAP. I muddle through the rest of the class and give him a call in the hallway, or I start to."Hey Craig! Congrats," an upperclassman I barely know says as he comes up and slaps me on the back. I think his name is Tony or Tom."Huh?" I wonder."Lawrence Morgan announced he's going into the NFL draft," he grins. Oh hell, I was supposed to have this responsibility until year after next."Thanks, but I think I should see what the Coach has to say about that," I respond. I hope my smile doesn't come across as too feeble.I toy with the idea of blowing of Organic Chemistry but I think the Coach will understand that I put a high premium on my course load. Besides, I'm not going to blow off Eleanor and Barney. I call the man and give him my decision. He understands and asks me to come around to his office before lunch because there are things we need to discuss. I can't tell if that is good news or not.I arrive at the Coach's office without too much drama. He is on the phone, but waves me to a seat. My Father has been out of the picture for some time so I'm a bit thin on male role models, but in the short time I've known him I think I could do worse than Coach. He does his best to tell you the right thing to do and makes you feel small if you don't do it without saying a word."Craig, I'm prepared to bring in a rising senior out of Fresno State to take the top spot as quarterback," he begins without preamble. "It is not a rebuke of you or your style, but I want you to get a bit more experience before saddling you with team leadership. You may still end up with the top slot. I'm keeping the team's options open; okay?""Absolutely," I nod. I'm neither elated for dodging the burden nor deflated for missing the limelight for another year. I was promised the lead position for my junior and senior years so I'm not really missing anything. "I still want the quarterback slot if I can get it," I add."I know you do Craig," Coach grins. "I also want you to know something. You were right and I was wrong."That catches me off-guard. What can he be referring to?"Mark Quantrill; I know you encouraged him to come here and try out for the team. You were so impressive at All-State I under-estimated his talent. He's become a real asset and it proves I was right about you; you read your players well. I'll tell you something else.""Sir?""Morgan isn't going to last three years in the NFL. He has a fantastic arm but he doesn't play well with others. There is also the fact that this conference has some of the worst secondaries in the nation. Morgan is going to learn what it is like when he goes up against the professionals. I think he is going to have a rude awakening.""He still has the best arm I've ever seen," I counter."One of the differences between the two of you is you both have good arms – his is better – but you have a better head for the game. You know what your people can and can't do which makes you a far deadlier opponent. Besides, you should see our defensemen flinch every time you take a hit. I've never seen a defense care so much for the guy on the other side."By that he means someone on the offense. There is always a rivalry between offense and defense. Whenever one side succeeds in a scrimmage, the other side gets yelled at. It is the way of things. Sometimes we forgot we are on the same team so I make a point of hanging out with the other half of the team when I am on the bench. It is a technique I had learned in high school. After all, you can't win a game if you can't stop the other team from scoring.The phone rings and Coach answers it. He says a few words before catching my eye."Get out of here Dawkins, but I am going to need some of your time next week. We have some recruits coming by the University and I want you to meet them," Coach tells me. The phone rings and I'm dismissed to get back to the scholastic duties.It is right at nine o'clock in the evening when the doorbell goes off once more. It has not been a great day. I became top quarterback and lost the slot all in a few hours. The Organic Chemistry lab was brutal and Eleanor took particular pleasure in torturing me for reasons unknown. It has also gotten a lot more crowded at our place.Miracle of miracles, Betsy is spending time with Barney though I have to keep pulling him aside and remind him to grow a spine and stand up to Betsy. Bowing to her every whim is the surest way in my mind for her to go elsewhere. It is not a matter of domination; if you don't challenge her she loses all respect for you – it is that simple.Like Betsy, I don't mind Derrick all that much. He is a bit of a flirt but Mark tolerates him and Barney is pretty clueless to his advances. Jamie has threatened to put a GPS tag on his ear so that Jesse can figure out whose room Derrick's snuck off to. Despite the age difference (Jesse is a freshman and Derrick is a junior), Jesse is the more adult member of their relationship and usually keeps Derrick in line.No, the problem is Mercedes. She's making hanging out at our place a very regular occurrence. Worse, I think I know the reason and that is that Emily is such a wonderful freaking person. It doesn't stop Mercedes from being a vicious, manipulative bitch – that would be too easy. Mercedes has come to appreciate how nice, beautiful, and pleasant a person Emily is and she is falling into Emily's orbit. Since that makes Emily happy we have to lump it.To make my evening perfect, when I came home from lab today I found out that Jamie has 'borrowed' one of my credit cards to purchase a king sized bed and had our two twin beds taken away; all without my knowledge or approval. It wasn't like I use that card for important stuff – like food, clothing and gas.I'm so pissed with Jamie that I've rebuffed all attempts by her mollify me. She's been sexy, cute, sarcastic and even pleaded but I want nothing to do with her. Even Amber is starting to look worried. Barney has gotten up to get some drinks from the kitchen when the doorbell causes him to deviate and answer it."I ... I" Barney stammers. There is a woman at the door but I sense fear more than lust."Can I come in Mr. Ross?" the woman asks. I leap off the sofa and race to the door."Ah, sure," Barney gets out. Eleanor has barely stepped inside when I wrap her up in a hug and squeeze her tight."Dude, it is Eleanor!" Barney hisses in shock."Yeah, I know," I respond softly. Eleanor takes a half-step back and looks up at me warmly."I guess I didn't make a mistake coming here tonight," she smiles. Barney is dumbfounded."It is okay man," I tell him. "We've been together for a while." To Eleanor, "Come on in and meet the gang."She puts her hand in mine and I lead her back to the living room. Introductions go around with varying degrees of interest. Okay, it is more like 'Who is this girl hanging on me, and why is Craig with her?' because they see a slightly older woman who initially comes across as relatively less attractive than every other woman I've been with.Eleanor flinches when I point out Amber and is decidedly nervous when she is introduced to Jamie and Emily. Emily perks up and turns on her friendliest manner. Jamie grins as well as she stands up and heads our way. Amber is much tenser. This is the woman, after all, that I let break us apart."Hey; The Eleanor, eh?" Jamie beams. "Come over and sit with us," she motions to the sofa.Jamie separates me from Eleanor, peeling her off to the sofa where she sits Eleanor down between her and Amber. Emily detaches from the love seat and Mercedes to squeeze in on the far side of Amber, effectively denying me a seat."Eleanor, do you want something to drink?" Jamie asks."Um, a Coke or some hot chocolate would be nice," Eleanor suggests quietly."Craig, get us some hot chocolates," Jamie commands."Get your own damn hot chocolate," I mutter back."Are you saying you want to sleep on the sofa tonight?" Jamie teases."Are you saying you want to sleep on the roof?" I retort."Craig, would you please get us some hot chocolate?" Emily asks politely. I shrug and head off. Mark and Gina are huddled on the floor and I see him cuddle up next to her."Babe, I love you," he tells Gina. He looks back at my four women on the sofa and adds, "I love you now more than ever." Bastard; like having one woman who adores him is so much better than four who torment and confuse me.I get the water boiling before slipping back to the kitchen door so I can listen in to what the ladies are talking about."It is so good to finally meet you," Jamie starts. "Craig talks about you a lot.""He does?" Eleanor seems both frightened and curious. I'm not ashamed of Eleanor, but I don't share our private life either."It is more like the way he smiles when he's spent time with you," Jamie confesses, "or going to spend time with you.""He sees us all the time," Emily chimes in, "so we know he makes a special effort to spend the night with you when he can." Eleanor now looks embarrassed and confused."Amber," gulps Eleanor, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I messed up you and Craig's relationship and I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to come talk to you sooner." Amber stares at her somewhat blank-faced. I really have no idea what is going on inside her head at the moment."It is okay," Amber sighs. "It isn't like you tied him down. Craig made his own decisions and I made mine.""Okay, I admit I hated you when Craig and I first broke up – really hated you," Amber continues. Eleanor is back to being frightened. "I was upset he wouldn't dump you. Over time I realized that wouldn't be Craig. Hell, I got between him, Jamie and Emily and the world didn't end.""Thank you, I think," Eleanor responds tentatively. "That sort of leads up to one of the two reasons why I came here tonight; I wanted to meet all of you – Craig talks about you all the time.""All the time?" teases Jamie. "I sincerely doubt when you two are sexing it up in bed he's thinking about anything but you." Eleanor flushes a furious shade of red."I --," stammers Eleanor."So, has he started tying you down yet?" Jamie leans in eagerly. Eleanor's mouth falls open."That would be a big 'Yes'," taunts Amber. The water starts boiling so I miss part of the conversation. When I get back I'm feeling like a damn waiter. Shouldn't a major university's potential starting quarterback be accorded more respect?"Thanks," Jesse smirks as he takes his mug. "Are you sure it was wise to give your other girlfriend your home address so she could hook up with your other current and your ex-girlfriends?""Don't' do the crime if you can't do the time," I quote."Dude, I like you," Jesse laughs. "That is the exact same look you had on your face right before those two linemen from Central buried your ass last season. No fear!""Hey, I got the ball off, didn't I?" I chuckled. I had my wisdom teeth knocked down my throat for an eight yard gain – not my finest moment. I finish up by circling back to the ladies then prop the tray against the side of the sofa before settling down on the floor. I elect to position myself between Eleanor's and Amber's legs because if anyone deserves to kick me its Amber.Eleanor puts a hand on my head and flexes her hand in my hair in a caring gesture."You've got it bad," Jamie tells Eleanor."What?" Eleanor questions."It is same look I get when I wake up to hear him snoring softly next to me and I suddenly realize he's there for me," Jamie relates."For me it was the night of the Prom," Amber adds. "We had gone to the lake after the dance. I felt that first shiver and he had his coat around my shoulders before I could even think to let him know. That's when I figured out he was looking out for me even when I wasn't looking out for myself.""I'm not Houdini," I sigh. "I could feel the cold breeze coming off the water and if I was cold you probably were too.""Craig," Eleanor murmurs, "you lost that argument when you put me on your lap when I had the flu. It was a dumb thing for an athlete to do but it was exactly what I needed."Amber and Eleanor getting along famously is freaking me out so I change the subject."So Eleanor, you said there was a second reason for coming over tonight?""Yes," she sighs. "I have been accepted for a doctoral program in Chicago; I'm heading there at the end of the semester."I twist around, get on my knees and settle between her legs with my face within inches of hers."Congrats Babe," I beam. "I know this is what you've been working for." I'm about to kiss her when Mercedes chimes in in a sinister probing voice."So, to be accepted you had to have finished your Master's program. When did that happen?""Last year," Eleanor replies weakly."So, why have you been hanging around?" Mercedes persists. I know the answer to that."I hope I can make your last few months here as memorable as possible," I promise Eleanor."That is incredibly insane, stupid ... and desperately romantic," Betsy admits. "Barney, - pay attention.""Sorry," Barney gulps. "I'm still dealing with the fact that I went through a semester of hell with Craig for no good reason.""I apologize for deceiving you Barney," Eleanor responds, "but I would have ridden you both just as hard. You both want to consider a Master's program and that means as high a GPA as possible, especially in the Sciences.""Speaking of being ridden hard, Eleanor you are spending the night?" Jamie inquires boldly."I couldn't," protests Eleanor who is finding it difficult to stand with me in her face. "I have classes tomorrow ... and stuff.""I have a friend who has a friend in the National Weather Service," Jamie counters. "They say that big storm is coming quicker and harder than projected by the local weather wonk. He says we should get dumped on somewhere between eight and ten tomorrow morning and expect around thirty inches!" The last was pronounced with a Donner Party glee."I had better be going," Betsy states.Barney is struggling to say something but Emily is ready with the hospitality."Come on and stay with us. You don't want to be stuck in the dorm if the power goes out.""Where would I stay if I remained here?" Betsy asks skeptically. The obvious answer (and the one least likely to happen) is that she stays with Barney."You could stay in our room," Gina offers. "We never use the other bed." Mark isn't jumping for joy over her suggestion but isn't totally put out by the turn of events either."Fine," Betsy accepts a bit too eagerly for my taste, or maybe I'm learning to distrust women; I'm not sure."Whose bed would I sleep in?" Eleanor inquires quietly."I tell you what," Jamie grins sweetly, "I'll take you back to our room and if you can pick out which bed is his you can spend the night with him." No one steps up to help Eleanor (tell her that our room has only one bed) and since I want her to stay, I stay quiet as well.

Perry, The Galactic Penis: Part 2

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 19, 2024

Mom and the Neighbor.by Krosis. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.On the way to school, Ed asked Perry, "So where are you from, originally?"*Long way from here, Ed...not even sure you'd have a proper frame of reference.*"How am I hearing you in my head?"*I told you before, dude, we are one. If you work at it, you won't even have to vocalize for me to 'hear' you.*"Really? Cool." He continued walking. "Hey, Perry?"There was no response. "Perry?""Knock knock!" Eve Doughtry called out, looking in through her neighbor Darla's screen door. Her friend's pretty face poked out from the kitchen."Eve! C'mon in!"She did so, and rounded the corner to find Darla's wide ass pointing right at her as the woman pushed a tray of muffins into the oven. Eve suddenly had a strong urge to flip the woman's skirt up and...She shook her head. And what? Where had that come from? she wondered.Darla stood up and turned around, a vision of brunette beauty, 5'3" and voluptuous. "Lemonade?" she asked.Eve nodded, and they sat at the kitchen table to chat. After shooting the shit about the usual subjects, Eve asked her, "So how's the sex life?"Darla spluttered around a mouthful of lemonade. "Cripes, Eve, that's forward, even for you. Umm...I guess things could be better. We'd been trying for a baby, but no luck. We're kinda losing hope, so there hasn't been much action lately. Oh, why am I telling you all this?" She took in her friend Eve, looking as gorgeous as ever, especially with those huge boobs that had only grown larger after having a child. She sighed, jealous.Eve's eyes bored into hers. "Well, we were a lot closer at one point."Darla blushed. "That was when we were younger. We're both married now.""Hm."Beeeep!"Oh, my muffins..." Darla got up and headed back to the oven.Eve got to her feet as well, unzipped her slacks, and pulled down her panties as she came up behind her friend. After Darla placed the hot muffin tin on the stove top and closed the oven door, Eve grabbed her from behind, one hand moving to Darla's breast while the other went under her skirt."Eek! Eve, what are you...ohh..."Eve's hand slipped into Darla's panties and expertly manipulated her clit. "Lean forward," Eve instructed her, and she did.As she had imagined when she first walked in, Eve flipped Darla's skirt up onto her back and moved her hips forward, nudging aside the woman's panties and slotting the head of her new 3" blue cock between her friend's vaginal lips."Oh my God, Eve, what is that? Oh..." Darla felt what seemed to be a small penis pushing into her wet pussy. "Are you wearing a strap-on? That's so naughty...umm..."Eve's small penis was soon buried inside her friend's pussy, and she pulled back to slam it into her again, making Darla cry out in pleasure. "Take off your blouse," Eve urged her."Ugh...ugh...ugh..." Darla groaned as her friend thrust that hard alien cock inside her. She tried to unbutton her top, but then just gave up and pulled it up and over her head.With her quick fingers, Eve quickly unfastened Darla's bra, freeing her B-cup breasts, and moved her hands to them, squeezing those mounds and lightly pinching her nipples. "Hmm...maybe I'll fill you up with a baby..." Eve whispered into Darla's ear."Oh God!" Darla moaned. "You always know what to say to make me hot, Evie! Fuck me!"She did, pounding her new cock inside her friend's pussy. Soon, Eve felt the stirrings of an orgasm, one much like the squirting ones from the previous night with her husband. She thrust faster, feeling her new cock throbbing as her release approached.All through the previous day and night, Perry's blue sperm had been at work inside Ed's mother. Unable to find an egg to inseminate, they swam on, eventually finding one of her ovaries. Sensing the similarities between that organ and Ed's testicles, and with their need to propagate all-encompassing, they transformed that female gonad, while also increasing the mass of her clitoris and connecting that organ up to her new, blue testicle."Huh!" Eve cried out and thrust hard into Darla's pussy. Her new testicle produced a burst of blue sperm, which shot down through her pelvis and rushed up the shaft of her cock. Her new blue penis ejaculated hot alien seed into Darla's overheated vagina."Oh God...!" Darla cried out in orgasm as she felt the hot liquid shoot inside her. "What is...?! Oh!""Perry!?"*Oh, sorry, Ed, got distracted by something. What's up?*"I was gonna ask what your plans were here on Earth. You just want to be my penis forever?"*Sure, Ed! What more do I need?*Darla lay on the kitchen floor, her body intertwined with Eve's, breathing heavily. She stared at her friend's now 4" blue penis, wondering how that came to be, but strangely not worried about it.Deep inside her, Eve's blue sperm swam, searching...Ed and the Librarian. "So, when can we go fuck Charisma?" Ed whisper-asked Perry in a stall in the boy's bathroom at school. The senior student had tried to telepathically talk to the alien, but it hadn't worked. Perry insisted that he'd get it eventually, but for now he had to at least whisper.*You have to get her alone somewhere...where can we do that?* Perry asked him in his head."I...I dunno...I didn't really think about this very well, did I? If she's not in class, she's always surrounded by her friends. It's not like I can just pull you out and you'll hypnotize all of them...er, can you?"*Let's just stick to one at a time, okay, Ed? Rome wasn't built in a day.*Ed paused. "Rome? What do you know about Rome?"*I know what you know, Ed, now that we're joined.*"So...you know what I'm thinking, at all times?"*Ehh...I try not to listen in too much, but I need to know more about your world, bud. You're my Encyclopaedia Eddica.*The bell rang and Ed headed to class. A couple rows over sat Charisma, the bubble-bodied blonde cheerleader, in a tight top and short skirt, neither of which were appropriate for the school dress code, but her mostly male teachers never complained. Ed sighed and tried to think of a way to get her alone. Eventually, the teacher asked him a question, and Ed looked like an idiot when he had to ask him to repeat it. After that, he concentrated on his work.When the bell rang for lunch, Ed grabbed his stuff and followed Charisma. She would be heading to meet her friends, but in the meantime, maybe he'd have a chance to get her alone! As he entered the busy hallway, he was buffeted by the cross-channels of hangry teenagers, unconcerned about his paltry needs. He hopped up into the air for a better vantage point, spied Charisma heading down one hall, and rushed after her.He was always just a little too slow, getting blocked by people who were crossing in front of him, or stopping outright when they encountered one of their friends. He didn't want to start shoving people...that could get you a bloody nose! Finally, he rounded a corner and she was gone.He heard the library door close and followed, though he didn't know why Charisma would be in there...reading hardly seemed like one of her pastimes.*Now, now, Ed!* Perry admonished him, *Are you making assumptions based on someone's looks?*He could see Mrs. Parker at her desk. The slightly overweight, thirtysomething brunette woman, with her glasses perched on her hawkish nose, would be the epitome of a dour old librarian after another 20 years or so, Ed thought. He stepped up to her. "Um, Mrs. Parker? Did Charisma come through here?"She looked up. "The cheerleader? Heh...she wouldn't come in here by choice, Ed.""See?" Ed subvocalized to Perry."See what?" Mrs. Parker asked him.*Hmm...I think we have something she can see, Ed...* Perry suggested.Suddenly, Ed felt desire surge through him, and his eyes roamed Mrs. Parker's stacked form. Her breasts might actually be larger than his mom's, he thought. He took a quick look around and, seeing no one else in the library, unzipped his jeans. "Have a look at this, Mrs. Parker."She couldn't help but stare as Perry slithered out from Ed's zipper hole. "Umm...oh wow..." she moaned, her eyes going glassy."Is there somewhere we can go to be alone, Mrs. P?"Soon, in the library office, the curvy librarian was sucking Perry into her mouth. Ed groaned, enjoying the feeling of his new cock being fellated. Once again, he marvelled that he could feel the alien appendage as if it was his own penis."Let me see your boobs, Mrs. P." She quickly unfastened her sweater and blouse, and let those bra-covered EE-cups out to play. "Oh damn..." Ed moaned as she unfastened the bra and those massive mammaries sprang out."Let me..." she moved back and surrounded Perry with her boobs, moving them up and down the alien penis' shaft."Holy shit..." Ed had never felt anything like it, and Perry was long enough that she could continue to suck him on the downstrokes.After a few minutes of this, she got up, pulled down her skirt, hose, and panties, and bent over her desk. "Please..." she urged him.Ed was super hard now, and moved up behind her. Perry, eager as always, contorted and adjusted himself so that he could insinuate himself into the woman's wet pussy."Oh..." she moaned, "you're so big, Ed..."Once Perry was inside her, Ed started to thrust, making them moan. Ed realized that Perry had done something to him to get him into the mood to fuck her, as he hadn't really thought of the older woman as sexy before. There was no stopping him now, though! He continued to thrust his blue 10 inches into the wanton woman."Ugh! Ugh! Oh, so deep..." she moaned and orgasmed. "O-h! Oh, Ed, I may never be able to have sex with my husband again after you..."Ed felt proud at hearing that, though it was all Perry, not him, he realized. Well, he reconsidered, he was the one moving his hips, so maybe he could take a little credit? He continued to thrust, and reached around to fondle her massive boobs."Mmm..." she moaned as he pawed at her mammaries. They had grown during each of her two pregnancies. They caused her chronic back discomfort, but nobody could beat her in the breasts department. It seemed that Ed liked them, so she was happy.Then she frowned. There was something bothering her...pregnancy? Why was she thinking about that? She shook her head...she'd come back to that thought later, after this hot sex.Ed's fingers finally found Mrs. P's nipples and pinched them lightly. She gave a little squeak and came again, and this time it pushed Ed over the edge into his own orgasm. He thrust into her hard and fast, feeling his balls boil up a load of cum, which pleasurably rushed up his shaft and splashed deep inside the woman's unprotected reproductive system."Oh...!" she cried out, her waning orgasm ramping back up upon feeling Ed's hot cum fill her depths. Her spasming cervix was deluged by potent alien cum.Finally, Ed collapsed upon the woman's back, gasping. He could feel Mrs. P's pussy, still cumming as it sucked the last few drops from Perry. When she stopped vibrating, Ed pulled out, and blue-tinged semen splashed onto the office floor. "Oops! Sorry..." he offered."It's...okay, Ed..." she breathed, slowly coming back to reality. Then she stood up. "Oh! I...we...oh no! What did we do, Ed?!"Ed had re-zipped and was heading out the door. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, Mrs. P; our secret." He gave her a wink and then went to go grab some lunch. Darla watched Eve's back as her old friend and neighbor walked back home. She couldn't believe what they had done together, Eve taking what seemed to be an actual blue penis and fucking Darla right there in the kitchen! It had been incredibly hot, especially when Eve suggested that she might even impregnate Darla, as bizarre a statement that was.Her clit itched a little, and she gave it a scratch through her skirt. She shuddered at how pleasurably sensitive it was.Deep inside the woman, Eve's blue sperm had already found Darla's waiting egg and quickly laid claim to it, one alien spermatozoa piercing the cellular membrane and injecting its genetic payload inside. Under The Bleachers. The next day, Ed once again tried to get Charisma alone during lunch, but she managed to find her friends first. The clique of cheerleaders giggled at each other over some stupid thing.*C'mon, Ed! Let's find someone else.* Perry suggested."Mrs. Parker again?" Ed considered, heading toward the library.*Naw...someone new, guy. Don't you want to 'play the field'?*Inspired, Ed headed out to the playing field, but everyone there seemed to be in groups. Then he had an idea and went under the bleachers, where he found a couple of seniors: Cora...something, and another girl he didn't know."Ugh...our secret spot isn't so secret anymore...seeya, Cora," the other girl said as she tossed the remains of her cigarette and trudged off the other way.Cora, an elfin, auburn-haired retro grunge chick, with the requisite flannel overshirt and oversized jeans, regarded Ed as he approached. "Ed, right? You smoke?" She took a puff from her cig."Umm...no," Ed responded. She knew his name?"Then what'cha doin' here? This is the unofficial smoke pit." The school had closed the official one the previous year. She held out her half-finished cancer stick to him.Ed paused only a moment before he took it and pulled a drag off of it. Then he started hacking up a lung.Cora grabbed it back with a smirk. "Poser." Then she paused, looking at his crotch. "What the hell is that?"Ed looked where her eyes were pointing. Perry was writhing within his pants. "Perry?""Who's Perry?" Cora asked, unable to tear her eyes away from Ed's undulating crotch. "Jeez! What's going on in there?"*Woo! What was that? I feel good...lemme out to play, Ed!*"The nicotine, maybe?" Ed could feel Perry straining at the confines of his jeans. "Okay, just a sec..." He unfastened his pants and Perry sprang out, hard and pointing at Cora."Holy shiuh..." The grunge girl's mouth hung open as Perry gave her his alien whammy. "I gotta...gotta have that in me, Ed..." She said and pulled off her overshirt, showing off her braless, undershirt-covered A-cup breasts, her poky nipples quite visible through the thin fabric. Then she was pulling her oversized jeans off, revealing surprisingly small hips and slim legs. Why had she been hiding her cute, sexy body with those bulky clothes? Ed wondered.She pulled down her undies and bent over, grabbing onto one of the bars that held up the bleachers. "Get that huge thing in me..." she commanded him breathily, and he stepped forward to grab her hips.Perry dipped down and slithered between her legs, making her gasp. "Oh, wow, that's...uh...oh shit..." She bent over more as Perry's head slipped between her vaginal lips, and Ed thrust in, his passage aided by her suddenly wet pussy. "Ahh fuck..." she moaned, "you're so fucking big..."As Ed thrust into the mesmerized teen, he pulled her shirt up and reached under to massage her small breasts. He felt her pussy grip him tightly, and she moaned as he stimulated her boobies.Perry noticed mucus around Cora's cervix, and remembered the lady doctor from the other day, as well as their neighbor Darla when Eve, Ed's mom, had fucked her with her new blue cock. Darla had mentioned that she was trying to get pregnant, and Eve's blue sperm had found an egg waiting inside her...that was it! He was figuring these humans out, bit by bit.Ed had found Cora's nipples and pinched them between his fingers. "Uh! Uh!" she cried out, and came again."Oh shit..." Cora's grasping pussy pushed Ed over the edge, and he thrust hard inside the slight girl. Pleasure rushed up his oversized cock, and then he blasted blue alien seed deep inside her.As she felt her fertile insides inundated by hot sperm, her nipple-induced orgasm was supplemented by a full vaginal one, and she moaned in pleasure, her needy pussy urging Ed's cum deeper inside her unprotected reproductive system. Finally, she slumped forward, barely able to hold herself up."I...I gotcha...you're in trouble!"Ed turned and saw the girl that had left earlier, now pointing her phone at them, clearly recording. He pulled out of Cora, making her gasp at the sudden evacuation, and turned to the newcomer."You...you keep away with that...thah..." The girl dropped her arms to her side, her jaw dropping open as her mind was ensorcelled by Perry's writhing form.*I got her...your turn, Ed.*My turn? Ed wondered, and then he stepped forward. "Gimme your phone." She handed it over, and he quickly stopped the recording and deleted it. When he turned back to the girl, she was on her knees and reaching for Perry.Unlike Cora, this girl had larger breasts, probably a C-cup, he figured. She wore a t-shirt and shorts, and he thought that he recognized her from the soccer team. She was pretty, not beautiful, but she had nice curly brown hair and an athletic figure. She took the first few inches of Perry into her mouth, and Ed moaned at the feeling of her warm mouth around his cock. Despite having just cum inside of Cora, he was soon ready to go again.There was no way to lay down under the bleachers without getting dirty, so he had this new girl do as Cora had, grabbing hold of a supporting bar and bending over after shucking her shorts. As with Cora, her juicy pussy allowed Perry easy access to her sodden depths.Ed was amazed that two women's vaginas could be so different. Cora's had been tight but slick, but this girl's pussy was looser, but also somehow less slippery, her vaginal walls pulling at the skin of his cock as he thrust and withdrew. Both were amazing...Perry had been right to suggest fucking a variety of women, Ed realized. He pulled up her shirt to get at her boobs, though he had to unfasten her bra first, and then his hands were mashing her more substantial breasts between his fingers, making her gasp in pleasure.Cora...he looked around. She was laying on the ground, unconscious, near the supporting bar he had fucked her against. "Did you knock Cora out?" he asked Perry subvocally.*Yeah...controlling more than one at a time's a strain, Ed. I brain-blitzed her so you can do this one...what's her name?*Ed considered. "You know what? I don't even care." And he thrust faster into the athletic girl.*Good for you, man! You'll be a player in no time!*"Oh God..." the girl moaned, "...oh God..." Then as Ed thrust one last time and buried his cock as deep as possible inside her, she cried out, "Oh God!" as she felt Ed's hot sperm bathe the walls of her vulnerable pussy, the sensation causing her own orgasm to wash over her. "Uh! Uh! Uh!"Then the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch. Ed's empty stomach growled, but his cock felt damn good, and that was what mattered, he figured. He pulled out, causing the girl to gasp and sink to her knees, Ed's white semen splashing out and soaking the ground between them. Then he zipped up and headed back to class. In the afternoon, a census taker arrived at Ed's house. Eve invited the woman in before seducing her and filling her up with a load of blue sperm. The woman left on unsteady legs, her body inundated with alien seed, swimming deeper into her vulnerable insides...Spring Break, and a visit from extended family.For the rest of the week, Ed was unable to get the primary object of his lust, the cheerleader Charisma, alone. He made do with any other senior students or teachers that he could find, though, filling them up with his alien sperm, unmindful of the danger. Then Spring Break started."Okay, when Erin's family gets here, we're going to have you..." Ed's mother Eve pointed at her husband Bob, "in Ed's room with Dave. I'll be sleeping with my sister in our room, since I haven't done that in forever, and then the kids will take the living room, like normal."Ed scratched his head. Normally Aunt Erin and Uncle Dave would take his room. This changeup was odd."I don't wanna sleep on the floor, Eve," Dave told her.She gave him the look that told him that she was done arguing. "Just blow up the air mattress, Bob; it's only one night.""Humph." When his aunt's family arrived, Ed was surprised to see that his strawberry blonde cousin Julie had grown even taller in the last year, about 5'10" now, though the 18-year-old's willowy figure had filled out as well, becoming more substantial in the hips and bust. He waited for Perry to say something about the gorgeous young woman, but he had been strangely silent for most of the day. Ed hoped that the alien parasite was finally realizing that his family was off limits. Next door, Eve's neighbor Darla had invited another neighbor, Mrs. Chen, over for tea. Darla's new 5" blue cock, overstimulated by the other woman's orgasming pussy, ejaculated alien seed deep inside her. Across town, the curvy librarian Mrs. Parker was sawing her new 5" blue cock into the juicy pussy of Mrs. Abed, the co-owner of the local convenience store. Bags of chips rained down from the shelves from their frenzied coupling. After a sumptuous dinner, the extended family sat down to play some board games. Ed and Julie's team stomped the parents at Pictionary, but then the brother-in-laws Bob and Dave destroyed everyone with their ability to remember useless facts in Trivial Pursuit. Finally, it was time for bed.The taller Julie took the couch, of course. Ed had mixed feelings when he found that he had grown just enough that he could no longer fully stretch out on the love seat. After some uncomfortable adjustments, he finally fell asleep. Erin, Ed's Aunt, woke up to find what she thought was her husband sidling up to her, his hard cock poking into her thigh. "Oh, Dave..." she moaned, and raised her leg to allow his penis to slip between her thighs. Her bedmate slipped lower, and she could feel that hard cock start to press between her vaginal folds.Then she remembered that she wasn't at home, and had gone to bed with her sister. "Wait, wha?"Then Eve thrust, burying her now 6" blue penis deep inside her sister's pussy.Erin gasped, feeling pleasure blossoming from within her. She moved a hand to her partner's chest and found her sister's substantial breasts. "Wha? Evie? How?""Shush!" Eve responded as she started to thrust in and out of her sister's well-lubricated pussy.Erin moved her hand down, between her sister's thighs, and felt the impossible cock there. It wasn't a strap-on dildo; there was no belt or harness. Everything felt unreal...was she dreaming? she wondered. She felt Eve's fingers move her hand aside so that she could thrum her sister's clit. "Oh..." Her nipples were so hard under the fabric of her nightie...she lay back and enjoyed what her sister was doing to her, the craziness of it not fully registering in her conscious mind.Soon, she felt her orgasm rise from her clitoris and where that wonderful cock slid along her most private of places. "Oh, Evie...Evie...Unh!""Yes.." Eve hissed, and thrust deep. Her own orgasm rushed up through her cock and injected blue sperm inside her orgasming sister's pussy.Erin's eyes flew open as she felt that amazing cock throb, and then hot cum splashed deep inside her. That sensation took her orgasm and rebounded it through her body. Her back arched in pleasure as her cervix spasmed open, allowing her sister's alien sperm to seep through into her fertile, forbidden depths. "Uh! Uh! Uh..." "Perry?" Ed couldn't sleep. Julie's breathing was regular now, so he figured it was safe to talk.*Oh! Hey, Ed!*"You didn't answer me all evening. Were you sleeping?"*Naw...I gotta make sure things are progressing well, y'know?*"Progressing?""Who are you talking to? Are you on the phone?" Julie asked. A light shone at him from the couch."Ack!" Ed cried out, covering his eyes against the sudden glare."What...is that?"Oh no! Ed realized that Perry was moving. "Don't look, Julie! I'm not decent!" He moved his hands down to try to cover up, but Perry slipped out of Ed's underwear and thrashed his blanket off."Oh my god! Is that your penis..." The light flipped up to illuminate the ceiling as her phone fell to the carpeted floor.Ed froze. "Julie?" He couldn't see, as the beam had been right in his eyes and now it wasn't. He blinked, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the gloom, and then he felt her grab his cock."Julie, no! I mean, Perry, no!" Ed hissed. "She's my cousin!"*Mother this, cousin that! You know what, Ed? I think you need to expand your horizons!* With that, Ed felt his cock get harder as a rush of desire roared through him."Oh no..." Ed moaned as Julie took Perry into his mouth. "Julie..." She grasped his shaft and stroked, making him feel tremendously good as he lay back. Then she took her mouth off of him and he felt her climbing on top of him. "No..." Then Perry was slithering up inside her.*Mmm! Some yummy blood up in here! Munch munch munch!*Ed raised his head. "Oh shit! Was she a virgin?"*Nope! I had no problem getting in. The blood seems to be coming from further inside.*Julie was on her period, Ed realized. Well, at least there was no way that he was going to get her pregnant...He paused. He had been fucking women every day since Perry had arrived, without a condom...why hadn't he even considered that he could get those women pregnant? Was this Perry's doing, or was he just that dense?*Fuck fuck fuck!* Perry urged him.Julie was grinding herself down on him now, having finally been able to take all 10 inches of him inside herself. Ed raised his knees, grabbed his cousin's rounded hips, and lifted her up and down upon his cock."Huh! Uh! Oh..." she moaned, feeling Ed's huge member filling her, unlike her boyfriend with his mere six incher. She pulled her t-shirt off, setting her B-cup breasts free, and now that Ed's eyes had adjusted to the scant light from her phone flashlight reflecting off of the ceiling, he saw that they were amazing, pale and round, with small, dark areolas. He leaned forward to take one into his mouth."A-ahh!" Julie cried out as he greedily sucked. "Careful! They're really sensitive at this time of the month, Ed."He switched to licking at her nipples instead. She rode him harder."It's...so deep..." Julie moaned. Then she stopped moving. "Oh my god...it's...pushing...ow...!"Ed stopped moving as well. "Perry? What're you doing?"*I'm peckish for period, Ed! Yummy!*Ed didn't know enough about female anatomy to realize that Perry had forced his way through Julie's cervical opening and was now in her womb, consuming all the excess uterine lining that was sloughing off. All Ed knew was that Julie was in pain. He reached down and flicked at her clitoris while he continued to lick at her nipple.After a minute she relaxed. "It's...better now..." she whispered, and then she began riding him again. "That felt so strange, almost like losing my virginity again, but it's feeling...good...oh..."Ed could feel her pussy gripping him tighter and knew that he wasn't going to be able to last much longer. "Can we be...kissing cousins?" he asked her."Mmm..." she moaned, and moved forward to kiss him passionately. As her tongue speared into his mouth, he felt his balls give up their contents. His cum rushed up his lengthy shaft and was injected directly into her uterus."Umm!" Julie screamed into his mouth as she came hard, her body shaking in extreme pleasure as Perry spewed hot alien seed into the deepest recesses of her body. They found one of her ovaries within minutes and began the transformation process, just as their compatriots had done with several other women over the past couple of weeks.In the morning, Julie woke Ed up, excited. "My period's all gone! I should come visit you every month, Ed!"Ed looked around worriedly and then laughed, glad that nobody had overheard that.After breakfast, both families gave each other hugs and Aunt Erin and her brood headed home. What a crazy night, she thought as her husband drove them home.Deep inside her womb, her sister's blue sperm penetrated her vulnerable egg. The fertilized ovum would implant itself into the lining of her uterus the next day.To be continued in part 3, by Krosis for Literotica

Perry, The Galactic Penis: Part 2

Harry Potter and the First Time Readers

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 19, 2024

Mom and the Neighbor.by Krosis. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.On the way to school, Ed asked Perry, "So where are you from, originally?"*Long way from here, Ed...not even sure you'd have a proper frame of reference.*"How am I hearing you in my head?"*I told you before, dude, we are one. If you work at it, you won't even have to vocalize for me to 'hear' you.*"Really? Cool." He continued walking. "Hey, Perry?"There was no response. "Perry?""Knock knock!" Eve Doughtry called out, looking in through her neighbor Darla's screen door. Her friend's pretty face poked out from the kitchen."Eve! C'mon in!"She did so, and rounded the corner to find Darla's wide ass pointing right at her as the woman pushed a tray of muffins into the oven. Eve suddenly had a strong urge to flip the woman's skirt up and...She shook her head. And what? Where had that come from? she wondered.Darla stood up and turned around, a vision of brunette beauty, 5'3" and voluptuous. "Lemonade?" she asked.Eve nodded, and they sat at the kitchen table to chat. After shooting the shit about the usual subjects, Eve asked her, "So how's the sex life?"Darla spluttered around a mouthful of lemonade. "Cripes, Eve, that's forward, even for you. Umm...I guess things could be better. We'd been trying for a baby, but no luck. We're kinda losing hope, so there hasn't been much action lately. Oh, why am I telling you all this?" She took in her friend Eve, looking as gorgeous as ever, especially with those huge boobs that had only grown larger after having a child. She sighed, jealous.Eve's eyes bored into hers. "Well, we were a lot closer at one point."Darla blushed. "That was when we were younger. We're both married now.""Hm."Beeeep!"Oh, my muffins..." Darla got up and headed back to the oven.Eve got to her feet as well, unzipped her slacks, and pulled down her panties as she came up behind her friend. After Darla placed the hot muffin tin on the stove top and closed the oven door, Eve grabbed her from behind, one hand moving to Darla's breast while the other went under her skirt."Eek! Eve, what are you...ohh..."Eve's hand slipped into Darla's panties and expertly manipulated her clit. "Lean forward," Eve instructed her, and she did.As she had imagined when she first walked in, Eve flipped Darla's skirt up onto her back and moved her hips forward, nudging aside the woman's panties and slotting the head of her new 3" blue cock between her friend's vaginal lips."Oh my God, Eve, what is that? Oh..." Darla felt what seemed to be a small penis pushing into her wet pussy. "Are you wearing a strap-on? That's so naughty...umm..."Eve's small penis was soon buried inside her friend's pussy, and she pulled back to slam it into her again, making Darla cry out in pleasure. "Take off your blouse," Eve urged her."Ugh...ugh...ugh..." Darla groaned as her friend thrust that hard alien cock inside her. She tried to unbutton her top, but then just gave up and pulled it up and over her head.With her quick fingers, Eve quickly unfastened Darla's bra, freeing her B-cup breasts, and moved her hands to them, squeezing those mounds and lightly pinching her nipples. "Hmm...maybe I'll fill you up with a baby..." Eve whispered into Darla's ear."Oh God!" Darla moaned. "You always know what to say to make me hot, Evie! Fuck me!"She did, pounding her new cock inside her friend's pussy. Soon, Eve felt the stirrings of an orgasm, one much like the squirting ones from the previous night with her husband. She thrust faster, feeling her new cock throbbing as her release approached.All through the previous day and night, Perry's blue sperm had been at work inside Ed's mother. Unable to find an egg to inseminate, they swam on, eventually finding one of her ovaries. Sensing the similarities between that organ and Ed's testicles, and with their need to propagate all-encompassing, they transformed that female gonad, while also increasing the mass of her clitoris and connecting that organ up to her new, blue testicle."Huh!" Eve cried out and thrust hard into Darla's pussy. Her new testicle produced a burst of blue sperm, which shot down through her pelvis and rushed up the shaft of her cock. Her new blue penis ejaculated hot alien seed into Darla's overheated vagina."Oh God...!" Darla cried out in orgasm as she felt the hot liquid shoot inside her. "What is...?! Oh!""Perry!?"*Oh, sorry, Ed, got distracted by something. What's up?*"I was gonna ask what your plans were here on Earth. You just want to be my penis forever?"*Sure, Ed! What more do I need?*Darla lay on the kitchen floor, her body intertwined with Eve's, breathing heavily. She stared at her friend's now 4" blue penis, wondering how that came to be, but strangely not worried about it.Deep inside her, Eve's blue sperm swam, searching...Ed and the Librarian. "So, when can we go fuck Charisma?" Ed whisper-asked Perry in a stall in the boy's bathroom at school. The senior student had tried to telepathically talk to the alien, but it hadn't worked. Perry insisted that he'd get it eventually, but for now he had to at least whisper.*You have to get her alone somewhere...where can we do that?* Perry asked him in his head."I...I dunno...I didn't really think about this very well, did I? If she's not in class, she's always surrounded by her friends. It's not like I can just pull you out and you'll hypnotize all of them...er, can you?"*Let's just stick to one at a time, okay, Ed? Rome wasn't built in a day.*Ed paused. "Rome? What do you know about Rome?"*I know what you know, Ed, now that we're joined.*"So...you know what I'm thinking, at all times?"*Ehh...I try not to listen in too much, but I need to know more about your world, bud. You're my Encyclopaedia Eddica.*The bell rang and Ed headed to class. A couple rows over sat Charisma, the bubble-bodied blonde cheerleader, in a tight top and short skirt, neither of which were appropriate for the school dress code, but her mostly male teachers never complained. Ed sighed and tried to think of a way to get her alone. Eventually, the teacher asked him a question, and Ed looked like an idiot when he had to ask him to repeat it. After that, he concentrated on his work.When the bell rang for lunch, Ed grabbed his stuff and followed Charisma. She would be heading to meet her friends, but in the meantime, maybe he'd have a chance to get her alone! As he entered the busy hallway, he was buffeted by the cross-channels of hangry teenagers, unconcerned about his paltry needs. He hopped up into the air for a better vantage point, spied Charisma heading down one hall, and rushed after her.He was always just a little too slow, getting blocked by people who were crossing in front of him, or stopping outright when they encountered one of their friends. He didn't want to start shoving people...that could get you a bloody nose! Finally, he rounded a corner and she was gone.He heard the library door close and followed, though he didn't know why Charisma would be in there...reading hardly seemed like one of her pastimes.*Now, now, Ed!* Perry admonished him, *Are you making assumptions based on someone's looks?*He could see Mrs. Parker at her desk. The slightly overweight, thirtysomething brunette woman, with her glasses perched on her hawkish nose, would be the epitome of a dour old librarian after another 20 years or so, Ed thought. He stepped up to her. "Um, Mrs. Parker? Did Charisma come through here?"She looked up. "The cheerleader? Heh...she wouldn't come in here by choice, Ed.""See?" Ed subvocalized to Perry."See what?" Mrs. Parker asked him.*Hmm...I think we have something she can see, Ed...* Perry suggested.Suddenly, Ed felt desire surge through him, and his eyes roamed Mrs. Parker's stacked form. Her breasts might actually be larger than his mom's, he thought. He took a quick look around and, seeing no one else in the library, unzipped his jeans. "Have a look at this, Mrs. Parker."She couldn't help but stare as Perry slithered out from Ed's zipper hole. "Umm...oh wow..." she moaned, her eyes going glassy."Is there somewhere we can go to be alone, Mrs. P?"Soon, in the library office, the curvy librarian was sucking Perry into her mouth. Ed groaned, enjoying the feeling of his new cock being fellated. Once again, he marvelled that he could feel the alien appendage as if it was his own penis."Let me see your boobs, Mrs. P." She quickly unfastened her sweater and blouse, and let those bra-covered EE-cups out to play. "Oh damn..." Ed moaned as she unfastened the bra and those massive mammaries sprang out."Let me..." she moved back and surrounded Perry with her boobs, moving them up and down the alien penis' shaft."Holy shit..." Ed had never felt anything like it, and Perry was long enough that she could continue to suck him on the downstrokes.After a few minutes of this, she got up, pulled down her skirt, hose, and panties, and bent over her desk. "Please..." she urged him.Ed was super hard now, and moved up behind her. Perry, eager as always, contorted and adjusted himself so that he could insinuate himself into the woman's wet pussy."Oh..." she moaned, "you're so big, Ed..."Once Perry was inside her, Ed started to thrust, making them moan. Ed realized that Perry had done something to him to get him into the mood to fuck her, as he hadn't really thought of the older woman as sexy before. There was no stopping him now, though! He continued to thrust his blue 10 inches into the wanton woman."Ugh! Ugh! Oh, so deep..." she moaned and orgasmed. "O-h! Oh, Ed, I may never be able to have sex with my husband again after you..."Ed felt proud at hearing that, though it was all Perry, not him, he realized. Well, he reconsidered, he was the one moving his hips, so maybe he could take a little credit? He continued to thrust, and reached around to fondle her massive boobs."Mmm..." she moaned as he pawed at her mammaries. They had grown during each of her two pregnancies. They caused her chronic back discomfort, but nobody could beat her in the breasts department. It seemed that Ed liked them, so she was happy.Then she frowned. There was something bothering her...pregnancy? Why was she thinking about that? She shook her head...she'd come back to that thought later, after this hot sex.Ed's fingers finally found Mrs. P's nipples and pinched them lightly. She gave a little squeak and came again, and this time it pushed Ed over the edge into his own orgasm. He thrust into her hard and fast, feeling his balls boil up a load of cum, which pleasurably rushed up his shaft and splashed deep inside the woman's unprotected reproductive system."Oh...!" she cried out, her waning orgasm ramping back up upon feeling Ed's hot cum fill her depths. Her spasming cervix was deluged by potent alien cum.Finally, Ed collapsed upon the woman's back, gasping. He could feel Mrs. P's pussy, still cumming as it sucked the last few drops from Perry. When she stopped vibrating, Ed pulled out, and blue-tinged semen splashed onto the office floor. "Oops! Sorry..." he offered."It's...okay, Ed..." she breathed, slowly coming back to reality. Then she stood up. "Oh! I...we...oh no! What did we do, Ed?!"Ed had re-zipped and was heading out the door. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, Mrs. P; our secret." He gave her a wink and then went to go grab some lunch. Darla watched Eve's back as her old friend and neighbor walked back home. She couldn't believe what they had done together, Eve taking what seemed to be an actual blue penis and fucking Darla right there in the kitchen! It had been incredibly hot, especially when Eve suggested that she might even impregnate Darla, as bizarre a statement that was.Her clit itched a little, and she gave it a scratch through her skirt. She shuddered at how pleasurably sensitive it was.Deep inside the woman, Eve's blue sperm had already found Darla's waiting egg and quickly laid claim to it, one alien spermatozoa piercing the cellular membrane and injecting its genetic payload inside. Under The Bleachers. The next day, Ed once again tried to get Charisma alone during lunch, but she managed to find her friends first. The clique of cheerleaders giggled at each other over some stupid thing.*C'mon, Ed! Let's find someone else.* Perry suggested."Mrs. Parker again?" Ed considered, heading toward the library.*Naw...someone new, guy. Don't you want to 'play the field'?*Inspired, Ed headed out to the playing field, but everyone there seemed to be in groups. Then he had an idea and went under the bleachers, where he found a couple of seniors: Cora...something, and another girl he didn't know."Ugh...our secret spot isn't so secret anymore...seeya, Cora," the other girl said as she tossed the remains of her cigarette and trudged off the other way.Cora, an elfin, auburn-haired retro grunge chick, with the requisite flannel overshirt and oversized jeans, regarded Ed as he approached. "Ed, right? You smoke?" She took a puff from her cig."Umm...no," Ed responded. She knew his name?"Then what'cha doin' here? This is the unofficial smoke pit." The school had closed the official one the previous year. She held out her half-finished cancer stick to him.Ed paused only a moment before he took it and pulled a drag off of it. Then he started hacking up a lung.Cora grabbed it back with a smirk. "Poser." Then she paused, looking at his crotch. "What the hell is that?"Ed looked where her eyes were pointing. Perry was writhing within his pants. "Perry?""Who's Perry?" Cora asked, unable to tear her eyes away from Ed's undulating crotch. "Jeez! What's going on in there?"*Woo! What was that? I feel good...lemme out to play, Ed!*"The nicotine, maybe?" Ed could feel Perry straining at the confines of his jeans. "Okay, just a sec..." He unfastened his pants and Perry sprang out, hard and pointing at Cora."Holy shiuh..." The grunge girl's mouth hung open as Perry gave her his alien whammy. "I gotta...gotta have that in me, Ed..." She said and pulled off her overshirt, showing off her braless, undershirt-covered A-cup breasts, her poky nipples quite visible through the thin fabric. Then she was pulling her oversized jeans off, revealing surprisingly small hips and slim legs. Why had she been hiding her cute, sexy body with those bulky clothes? Ed wondered.She pulled down her undies and bent over, grabbing onto one of the bars that held up the bleachers. "Get that huge thing in me..." she commanded him breathily, and he stepped forward to grab her hips.Perry dipped down and slithered between her legs, making her gasp. "Oh, wow, that's...uh...oh shit..." She bent over more as Perry's head slipped between her vaginal lips, and Ed thrust in, his passage aided by her suddenly wet pussy. "Ahh fuck..." she moaned, "you're so fucking big..."As Ed thrust into the mesmerized teen, he pulled her shirt up and reached under to massage her small breasts. He felt her pussy grip him tightly, and she moaned as he stimulated her boobies.Perry noticed mucus around Cora's cervix, and remembered the lady doctor from the other day, as well as their neighbor Darla when Eve, Ed's mom, had fucked her with her new blue cock. Darla had mentioned that she was trying to get pregnant, and Eve's blue sperm had found an egg waiting inside her...that was it! He was figuring these humans out, bit by bit.Ed had found Cora's nipples and pinched them between his fingers. "Uh! Uh!" she cried out, and came again."Oh shit..." Cora's grasping pussy pushed Ed over the edge, and he thrust hard inside the slight girl. Pleasure rushed up his oversized cock, and then he blasted blue alien seed deep inside her.As she felt her fertile insides inundated by hot sperm, her nipple-induced orgasm was supplemented by a full vaginal one, and she moaned in pleasure, her needy pussy urging Ed's cum deeper inside her unprotected reproductive system. Finally, she slumped forward, barely able to hold herself up."I...I gotcha...you're in trouble!"Ed turned and saw the girl that had left earlier, now pointing her phone at them, clearly recording. He pulled out of Cora, making her gasp at the sudden evacuation, and turned to the newcomer."You...you keep away with that...thah..." The girl dropped her arms to her side, her jaw dropping open as her mind was ensorcelled by Perry's writhing form.*I got her...your turn, Ed.*My turn? Ed wondered, and then he stepped forward. "Gimme your phone." She handed it over, and he quickly stopped the recording and deleted it. When he turned back to the girl, she was on her knees and reaching for Perry.Unlike Cora, this girl had larger breasts, probably a C-cup, he figured. She wore a t-shirt and shorts, and he thought that he recognized her from the soccer team. She was pretty, not beautiful, but she had nice curly brown hair and an athletic figure. She took the first few inches of Perry into her mouth, and Ed moaned at the feeling of her warm mouth around his cock. Despite having just cum inside of Cora, he was soon ready to go again.There was no way to lay down under the bleachers without getting dirty, so he had this new girl do as Cora had, grabbing hold of a supporting bar and bending over after shucking her shorts. As with Cora, her juicy pussy allowed Perry easy access to her sodden depths.Ed was amazed that two women's vaginas could be so different. Cora's had been tight but slick, but this girl's pussy was looser, but also somehow less slippery, her vaginal walls pulling at the skin of his cock as he thrust and withdrew. Both were amazing...Perry had been right to suggest fucking a variety of women, Ed realized. He pulled up her shirt to get at her boobs, though he had to unfasten her bra first, and then his hands were mashing her more substantial breasts between his fingers, making her gasp in pleasure.Cora...he looked around. She was laying on the ground, unconscious, near the supporting bar he had fucked her against. "Did you knock Cora out?" he asked Perry subvocally.*Yeah...controlling more than one at a time's a strain, Ed. I brain-blitzed her so you can do this one...what's her name?*Ed considered. "You know what? I don't even care." And he thrust faster into the athletic girl.*Good for you, man! You'll be a player in no time!*"Oh God..." the girl moaned, "...oh God..." Then as Ed thrust one last time and buried his cock as deep as possible inside her, she cried out, "Oh God!" as she felt Ed's hot sperm bathe the walls of her vulnerable pussy, the sensation causing her own orgasm to wash over her. "Uh! Uh! Uh!"Then the bell rang, signalling the end of lunch. Ed's empty stomach growled, but his cock felt damn good, and that was what mattered, he figured. He pulled out, causing the girl to gasp and sink to her knees, Ed's white semen splashing out and soaking the ground between them. Then he zipped up and headed back to class. In the afternoon, a census taker arrived at Ed's house. Eve invited the woman in before seducing her and filling her up with a load of blue sperm. The woman left on unsteady legs, her body inundated with alien seed, swimming deeper into her vulnerable insides...Spring Break, and a visit from extended family.For the rest of the week, Ed was unable to get the primary object of his lust, the cheerleader Charisma, alone. He made do with any other senior students or teachers that he could find, though, filling them up with his alien sperm, unmindful of the danger. Then Spring Break started."Okay, when Erin's family gets here, we're going to have you..." Ed's mother Eve pointed at her husband Bob, "in Ed's room with Dave. I'll be sleeping with my sister in our room, since I haven't done that in forever, and then the kids will take the living room, like normal."Ed scratched his head. Normally Aunt Erin and Uncle Dave would take his room. This changeup was odd."I don't wanna sleep on the floor, Eve," Dave told her.She gave him the look that told him that she was done arguing. "Just blow up the air mattress, Bob; it's only one night.""Humph." When his aunt's family arrived, Ed was surprised to see that his strawberry blonde cousin Julie had grown even taller in the last year, about 5'10" now, though the 18-year-old's willowy figure had filled out as well, becoming more substantial in the hips and bust. He waited for Perry to say something about the gorgeous young woman, but he had been strangely silent for most of the day. Ed hoped that the alien parasite was finally realizing that his family was off limits. Next door, Eve's neighbor Darla had invited another neighbor, Mrs. Chen, over for tea. Darla's new 5" blue cock, overstimulated by the other woman's orgasming pussy, ejaculated alien seed deep inside her. Across town, the curvy librarian Mrs. Parker was sawing her new 5" blue cock into the juicy pussy of Mrs. Abed, the co-owner of the local convenience store. Bags of chips rained down from the shelves from their frenzied coupling. After a sumptuous dinner, the extended family sat down to play some board games. Ed and Julie's team stomped the parents at Pictionary, but then the brother-in-laws Bob and Dave destroyed everyone with their ability to remember useless facts in Trivial Pursuit. Finally, it was time for bed.The taller Julie took the couch, of course. Ed had mixed feelings when he found that he had grown just enough that he could no longer fully stretch out on the love seat. After some uncomfortable adjustments, he finally fell asleep. Erin, Ed's Aunt, woke up to find what she thought was her husband sidling up to her, his hard cock poking into her thigh. "Oh, Dave..." she moaned, and raised her leg to allow his penis to slip between her thighs. Her bedmate slipped lower, and she could feel that hard cock start to press between her vaginal folds.Then she remembered that she wasn't at home, and had gone to bed with her sister. "Wait, wha?"Then Eve thrust, burying her now 6" blue penis deep inside her sister's pussy.Erin gasped, feeling pleasure blossoming from within her. She moved a hand to her partner's chest and found her sister's substantial breasts. "Wha? Evie? How?""Shush!" Eve responded as she started to thrust in and out of her sister's well-lubricated pussy.Erin moved her hand down, between her sister's thighs, and felt the impossible cock there. It wasn't a strap-on dildo; there was no belt or harness. Everything felt unreal...was she dreaming? she wondered. She felt Eve's fingers move her hand aside so that she could thrum her sister's clit. "Oh..." Her nipples were so hard under the fabric of her nightie...she lay back and enjoyed what her sister was doing to her, the craziness of it not fully registering in her conscious mind.Soon, she felt her orgasm rise from her clitoris and where that wonderful cock slid along her most private of places. "Oh, Evie...Evie...Unh!""Yes.." Eve hissed, and thrust deep. Her own orgasm rushed up through her cock and injected blue sperm inside her orgasming sister's pussy.Erin's eyes flew open as she felt that amazing cock throb, and then hot cum splashed deep inside her. That sensation took her orgasm and rebounded it through her body. Her back arched in pleasure as her cervix spasmed open, allowing her sister's alien sperm to seep through into her fertile, forbidden depths. "Uh! Uh! Uh..." "Perry?" Ed couldn't sleep. Julie's breathing was regular now, so he figured it was safe to talk.*Oh! Hey, Ed!*"You didn't answer me all evening. Were you sleeping?"*Naw...I gotta make sure things are progressing well, y'know?*"Progressing?""Who are you talking to? Are you on the phone?" Julie asked. A light shone at him from the couch."Ack!" Ed cried out, covering his eyes against the sudden glare."What...is that?"Oh no! Ed realized that Perry was moving. "Don't look, Julie! I'm not decent!" He moved his hands down to try to cover up, but Perry slipped out of Ed's underwear and thrashed his blanket off."Oh my god! Is that your penis..." The light flipped up to illuminate the ceiling as her phone fell to the carpeted floor.Ed froze. "Julie?" He couldn't see, as the beam had been right in his eyes and now it wasn't. He blinked, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the gloom, and then he felt her grab his cock."Julie, no! I mean, Perry, no!" Ed hissed. "She's my cousin!"*Mother this, cousin that! You know what, Ed? I think you need to expand your horizons!* With that, Ed felt his cock get harder as a rush of desire roared through him."Oh no..." Ed moaned as Julie took Perry into his mouth. "Julie..." She grasped his shaft and stroked, making him feel tremendously good as he lay back. Then she took her mouth off of him and he felt her climbing on top of him. "No..." Then Perry was slithering up inside her.*Mmm! Some yummy blood up in here! Munch munch munch!*Ed raised his head. "Oh shit! Was she a virgin?"*Nope! I had no problem getting in. The blood seems to be coming from further inside.*Julie was on her period, Ed realized. Well, at least there was no way that he was going to get her pregnant...He paused. He had been fucking women every day since Perry had arrived, without a condom...why hadn't he even considered that he could get those women pregnant? Was this Perry's doing, or was he just that dense?*Fuck fuck fuck!* Perry urged him.Julie was grinding herself down on him now, having finally been able to take all 10 inches of him inside herself. Ed raised his knees, grabbed his cousin's rounded hips, and lifted her up and down upon his cock."Huh! Uh! Oh..." she moaned, feeling Ed's huge member filling her, unlike her boyfriend with his mere six incher. She pulled her t-shirt off, setting her B-cup breasts free, and now that Ed's eyes had adjusted to the scant light from her phone flashlight reflecting off of the ceiling, he saw that they were amazing, pale and round, with small, dark areolas. He leaned forward to take one into his mouth."A-ahh!" Julie cried out as he greedily sucked. "Careful! They're really sensitive at this time of the month, Ed."He switched to licking at her nipples instead. She rode him harder."It's...so deep..." Julie moaned. Then she stopped moving. "Oh my god...it's...pushing...ow...!"Ed stopped moving as well. "Perry? What're you doing?"*I'm peckish for period, Ed! Yummy!*Ed didn't know enough about female anatomy to realize that Perry had forced his way through Julie's cervical opening and was now in her womb, consuming all the excess uterine lining that was sloughing off. All Ed knew was that Julie was in pain. He reached down and flicked at her clitoris while he continued to lick at her nipple.After a minute she relaxed. "It's...better now..." she whispered, and then she began riding him again. "That felt so strange, almost like losing my virginity again, but it's feeling...good...oh..."Ed could feel her pussy gripping him tighter and knew that he wasn't going to be able to last much longer. "Can we be...kissing cousins?" he asked her."Mmm..." she moaned, and moved forward to kiss him passionately. As her tongue speared into his mouth, he felt his balls give up their contents. His cum rushed up his lengthy shaft and was injected directly into her uterus."Umm!" Julie screamed into his mouth as she came hard, her body shaking in extreme pleasure as Perry spewed hot alien seed into the deepest recesses of her body. They found one of her ovaries within minutes and began the transformation process, just as their compatriots had done with several other women over the past couple of weeks.In the morning, Julie woke Ed up, excited. "My period's all gone! I should come visit you every month, Ed!"Ed looked around worriedly and then laughed, glad that nobody had overheard that.After breakfast, both families gave each other hugs and Aunt Erin and her brood headed home. What a crazy night, she thought as her husband drove them home.Deep inside her womb, her sister's blue sperm penetrated her vulnerable egg. The fertilized ovum would implant itself into the lining of her uterus the next day.To be continued in part 3, by Krosis for Literotica

Destination Moon and Rocketship X-M (1950)

Cinematic Fantastic

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 10, 2024 84:30

Humph - no propellers! In this episode: Jason illuminates these two movie's plots with potent moonlight - and yes, I'm talking about tree frogs. Then William, he being the Brooklyn pitcher when they were out in space, bats the production so hard it curves back towards Earth and hits the mysterious right fielder. And has anyone taken a Blu-ray of Grease to space? Please tell me! ------ Music by RoccoW: Welcome! (RoccoW) / CC BY-SA 3.0 Sweet Self Satisfaction (RoccoW) / CC BY-SA 3.0 License: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license Audio clips used: The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Wolf Man, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Godzilla (1954), Invisible Man, Frankenstein (1931), Wall-E --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/cinematic-fantastic/support

music earth godzilla frankenstein grease blu invisible man wolfman space odyssey earth stood still rocketships destination moon humph rocketship x m

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince: Ch 9-12

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 12, 2024 80:16

Chapter 9 - The Half-Blood PrinceHermione's remonstration was drowned by a loud giggle; Lavender Brown had apparently found Ron's remark highly amusing. She continued to laugh as she passed them, glancing back at Ron over her shoulder. Ron looked rather pleased with himself.Q1 - Does Lavender like Ron?‘Humph,' snorted Professor McGonagall. ‘It's high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson she's got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have – particularly after what happened at the Ministry.'Q2 - Do you ever think McGonagall could go bad?Q3 - Do you think Gryffindor will win the Quidditch Cup this year?Snape set off around the edge of the room, speaking now in a lower voice; the class craned their necks to keep him in view. ‘The Dark Arts,' said Snape, ‘are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible.' Harry stared at Snape. It was surely one thing to respect the Dark Arts as a dangerous enemy, another to speak of them, as Snape was doing, with a loving caress in his voice?His Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off-balance and hit a desk. The whole class had looked round and now watched as Snape righted himself, scowling. ‘Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?' ‘Yes,' said Harry stiffly. ‘Yes sir.' ‘There's no need to call me “sir”, Professor.'Q4 - Do you view Harry as a better wizard than Snape?This left Harry, Ron and Hermione to share a table with Ernie. They chose the one nearest a gold-coloured cauldron that was emitting one of the most seductive scents Harry had ever inhaled: somehow it reminded him simultaneously of treacle tart, the woody smell of a broomstick handle and something flowery he thought he might have smelled at The Burrow. He found that he was breathing very slowly and deeply and that the potion's fumes seemed to be filling him up like drink. A great contentment stole over him; he grinned across at Ron, who grinned lazily back.Q5 - What do you think of the Amortentia?It's supposed to smell differently to each of us, according to what attracts us, and I can smell freshly mown grass and new parchment and –' But she turned slightly pink and did not complete the sentence.Q6 - What is the last smell Hermione smells?‘No, I don't think so, sir. I'm Muggle-born, you see.' Harry saw Malfoy lean close to Nott and whisper something; both of them sniggered, but Slughorn showed no dismay; on the contrary, he beamed and looked from Hermione to Harry, who was sitting next to her. ‘Oho! “One of my best friends is Muggle-born and she's the best in our year!” I'm assuming this is the very friend of whom you spoke, Harry?' ‘Yes, sir,' said Harry. ‘Well, well, take twenty well-earned points for Gryffindor, Miss Granger,' said Slughorn genially.Q7 - Is Slughorn growing on you?‘Amortentia doesn't really create love, of course. It is impossible to manufacture or imitate love. No, this will simply cause a powerful infatuation or obsession. It is probably the most dangerous and powerful potion in this room – oh yes,' he said, nodding gravely at Malfoy and Nott, both of whom were smirking skeptically. ‘When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love …Q8 - What do you think of this line?Q9 - What do you think of Liquid Luck?Q10 - What is a time when you beat everyone in class at something?‘The clear winner!' he cried to the dungeon. ‘Excellent, excellent, Harry! Good Lord, it's clear you've inherited your mother's talent, she was a dab hand at Potions, Lily was! Here you are, then, here you are – one bottle of Felix Felicis, as promised, and use it well!'Nobody else was looking. Harry bent low to retrieve the book and, as he did so, he saw something scribbled along the bottom of the back cover in the same small, cramped handwriting as the instructions that had won him his bottle of Felix Felicis, now safely hidden inside a pair of socks in his trunk upstairs. This Book is the Property of the Half-Blood PrinceQ11 - Who is the Half-Blood Prince?Chapter 10 - The House of GauntQ1 - Should Harry be following the book's advice?Q2 - What do you think of Snape and Slughorn in their roles?‘Well, I have decided that it is time, now that you know what prompted Lord Voldemort to try and kill you fifteen years ago, for you to be given certain information.'Q3 - Jenn, did your heart rate go up here?‘I told you everything I know. From this point forth, we shall be leaving the firm foundation of fact and journeying together through the murky marshes of memory into thickets of wildest guesswork. From hereon in, Harry, I may be as woefully wrong as Humphrey Belcher, who believed the time was ripe for a cheese cauldron.'Q4 - Where have you seen Little Hangleton before?There was a scuffling noise in the corner beside the open window and Harry realized that there was somebody else in the room, a girl whose ragged gray dress was the exact color of the dirty stone wall behind her. She was standing beside a steaming pot on a grimy black stove, and was fiddling around with the shelf of squalid-looking pots and pans above it. Her hair was lank and dull and she had a plain, pale, rather heavy face. Her eyes, like her brother's, stared in opposite directions. She looked a little cleaner than the two men, but Harry thought he had never seen a more defeated-looking person.Q5 - What do you think of Merope and Morfin?Q6 - Is a Squib made from abuse?Q7 - What do you think of Tom Riddle's origin story?‘Sir … is it important to know all this about Voldemort's past?' ‘Very important, I think,' said Dumbledore. ‘And it … it's got something to do with the prophecy?' ‘It has everything to do with the prophecy.'Q8 - Why is this important?Q9 - What is the ring and what happened to Dumbledore's hand?Chapter 11 - Hermione's Helping HandNon-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed on U-No-Poo.‘We've got to go and explain,' said Hermione, looking up at Hagrid's huge empty chair at the staff table the following Saturday at breakfast. ‘We've got Quidditch tryouts this morning!' said Ron. ‘And we're supposed to be practicing that Aguamenti charm for Flitwick! Anyway, explain what? How are we going to tell him we hated his stupid subject?'Q1 - What is the Aguamenti charm?Q2 - Is Hagrid childish for this?‘Oh, come on, Harry,' said Hermione, suddenly impatient. ‘It's not Quidditch that's popular, it's you! You've never been more interesting and, frankly, you've never been more fanciable.' Ron gagged on a large piece of kipper. Hermione spared him one look of disdain before turning back to Harry.Q3 - Why is Ron gagging?Q4 - Harry mentioned he hoped Lupin would write…why doesn't Lupin write?Q5 - Do you think Stan Shunpike is a Death Eater?‘People are terrified – you know the Patil twins' parents want them to go home? And Eloise Midgeon has already been withdrawn. Her father picked her up last night.'Q6 - If you had kids, would you take them out of Hogwarts?Q7 - Dumbledore is gone missing a lot…what is he doing?Q8 - How do you think this years Gryffindor quidditch team looks?Q9 - What do you think about Hermione confounding Cormac?‘But how can he have done, Harry?' said Hermione, putting down the newspaper with a surprised look. ‘We were all searched when we arrived, weren't we?' ‘Were you?' said Harry, taken aback. ‘I wasn't!' ‘Oh no, of course you weren't, I forgot you were late … well, Filch ran over all of us with Secrecy Sensors when we got into the Entrance Hall. Any Dark object would have been found, I know for a fact Crabbe had a shrunken head confiscated. So you see, Malfoy can't have brought in anything dangerous!'Q10 - What was this Shrunken head? And did Malfoy sneak anything in?Q11 - What's the best party you've ever been to?Chapter 12 - Silver and OpalsWhere was Dumbledore and what was he doing?Q1 - Where was Dumbledore and what was he doing?Q2 - Is the Half-Blood Prince a dark person?Harry rather doubted he would be able to bring off this particular spell; he was still having difficulty with non-verbal spells, something Snape had been quick to comment on in every DADA class. On the other hand, the Prince had proved a much more effective teacher than Snape so far.Q3 - Do you think Snape really is a good teacher and Harry is just blinded?Q4 - Is Harry dumb to be practicing these spells on his friends?Q5 - Harry thinks that the Prince could be his dad, do you think he's right?Harry had pinned Mundungus against the wall of the pub by the throat. Holding him fast with one hand, he pulled out his wand. ‘Harry!' squealed Hermione. ‘You took that from Sirius's house,' said Harry, who was almost nose-to-nose with Mundungus and was breathing in an unpleasant smell of old tobacco and spirits. ‘That had the Black family crest on it.'Q6 - What is Mundungus stealing from the Black house?At once, Katie rose into the air, not as Ron had done, suspended comically by the ankle, but gracefully, her arms outstretched, as though she were about to fly. Yet there was something wrong, something eerie … her hair was whipped around her by the fierce wind, but her eyes were closed and her face was quite empty of expression. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Leanne had all halted in their tracks, watching. Then, six feet above the ground, Katie let out a terrible scream. Her eyes flew open but whatever she could see, or whatever she was feeling, was clearly causing her terrible anguish. She screamed and screamed; Leanne started to scream too, and seized Katie's ankles, trying to tug her back to the ground. Harry, Ron and Hermione rushed forwards to help, but even as they grabbed Katie's legs, she fell on top of them; Harry and Ron managed to catch her but she was writhing so much they could hardly hold her. Instead they lowered her to the ground where she thrashed and screamed, apparently unable to recognise any of them.Q7 - What kind of magic is this?Q8 - What's the worst amount of pain you've ever been in?Q9 - Why would someone want to curse an object? What else do you think you could do with objects in the wizarding world?Q10 - Who gave Katie the necklace and where was Katie delivering it?

THE K.DROP [A KPop Podcast]: Maddie & Elle drop their SUMMER KPOP PLAYLIST

YA GIRL MADDIE: A KDrama Podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 13, 2024 105:24

It's SUMMER 2024 and Elle is living her BEST KPop life (since summer jams are her taste in KPop all year long) …. Maddie and Elle jump on the mic this week to pitch their top 10 favorite summer songs, along with chat up what has been happening in the KPop world this past month (HINT: it's a lot) … …. WHAT'S CURRENT IN KPOP: (07:08) RIIZE's “Boom Boom Bass” & Maddie's BRIIZE life (09:20) EVNNE's “Badder Love” (a different EVNNE taste, but a good one) (12:06) Jeonghan + Wonwoo's “Last Night” (& our MV theories) (17:52) Lee Youngji's “Small Girl” (FEAT. D.O!!!) (this song rocksssss) (22:01) TWS's album “Summer Beat” (boyhood concept perfected) (25:30) NCT Wish's “Songbird” (Do we need another NCT group? Thoughts??) (28:29) B.D.U's “My One” (debut group from Build Up - JAY CHANG 4 LYFE!!!) (30:13) Rocky's “Jealousy” (THIS. SONG. IS. CRAZY. GOOD.) (34:09) LISA's “Rockstar” (differing opinions on this one) (35:36) KATSEYE's “Debut” (which is a debut) (37:45) BOYNEXTDOOR's “Lucky Charm” (from Miss Night & Day OST) (39:50) BABYMONSTER'S “FOREVER” (pretty girl swag at it's finest) (42:06) BE:FIRST x ATEEZ's “Hush Hush” (just, visuals ALL DAY) (44:12) THE BOYZ' “Gibberish” (Maddie is obsessed) (46:16) TXT's “We'll Never Change” (Japanese single) (47:47) Christina's BTS Express (ALL ABOARD LOL) …. WHAT'S COMING UP: July 12 - Enhypen - “Romance: Untold” July 15 - NCT 127 - “Walk” July 16 - Waker - “Sweet Tape” July 19 - Jimin - “Muse” July 19 - Stray Kids - “Ate” TT “Chk Chk Boom” July 19 - The Boyz full Japanese Album …. (1:11:51) Maddie & Elle's quick MAKEMATE1 update (WE LOVE THIS SHOW!!) … (1:19:13) Maddie & Ellle's top 10 summer songs …. (1:43:41) Joshua Hong interview COMING NEXT WEEK!!! …. ELLE'S TOP 10 SUMMER JAMS: 10. ZEROBASEONE's “Sunday RIDE” 9. POW's “Dazzling” 8. ENHYPEN's “Polaroid Love” 7. ASTRO's “Crazy Sexy Cool” 6. CRAVITY's “Cheese” 5. Stray Kids' “Astronaut” 4. BTS's “Dynamite” 3. VANNER''s “Rollin” 2. SEVENTEEN's “Snap Shoot” 1. THE BOYZ' “Lip Gloss” . MADDIE'S TOP 10 SUMMER JAMS: 10. TEN'S “Paint Me Naked” 9. MCND's “Hey You” 8. AKMU's “200%: 7. iKON's “Cocktail” 6. PENTAGON's “Humph!” 5. ATEEZ's “Stay” 4. THE BOYZ' “Nectar” 3. TWS's “hey! hey!” 2. ASTRO's “Footprint: 1. THE BOYZ' “Lip Gloss” . HONORABLE MENTION SUMMER SONGS: ATEEZ's “Eternal Sunshine” BOYNEXTDOOR's “l i f e i s c o o l” ASTRO's “Candy Sugar Pop” Stray Kids' “Surfin” WayV's “We go nanana” SEVENTEEN'S “Not Alone” Kep1er's “Back to the City” TXT's “MOA Diary (Dubaddu War Wari)” BOYS PLANET's “Say My Name” D.O's “Mars” …. If you're new toTHE K.DROP, welcome!! We are so glad you are here! Also check out YA GIRL'S KDrama Podcast if that's your thing (@yagirl_kdramapod) (⁠https://www.instagram.com/yagirl_kdramapod?igsh=OGQ5ZDc2ODk2ZA%3D%3D&utm_source=qr⁠) ….. Before you do anything else, FOLLOW THE K.DROP ON INSTAGRAM! For real, please come and say hey to us over the socials! @the.kdrop_kpop_pod https://www.instagram.com/the.kdrop_kpop_pod?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet&igsh=ZDNlZDc0MzIxNw== ..... Wanna support YA GIRL? Go and become a Patron! www.patreon.com/yagirlmaddiepod?utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator … Finally, jump on YA GIRL's Discord!! It's where all the friends of YA GIRL gather and talk about hot Korean men. You really don't wanna miss it. ⁠ https://discord.gg/UeZuyftp

Limited Resources 746 - Outlaws of Thunder Junction Week 1: In Humph We Trust

Limited Resources

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 20, 2024 69:22

This week on Limited Resources Marshall and Luis give you their early (and excited) takes on Outlaws of Thunder Junction Limtied! The set has only been out for a few days but the guys dive in head first trying out as many archetypes and cards as possibe and tell you what they found! Enjoy this first look at OTJ Limited! Luis's Divination Team Draft League Discord Server: https://discord.com/invite/uEzZZgK3DB Prizes for the first league: https://twitter.com/lsv/status/1777117307677913168/photo/1 You can support Limited Resources on the LR Patreon page here: https://www.patreon.com/limitedresources LR is brought to you buy Ultimate Guard! Check out the best gear here: https://ultimateguard.com/en/ Your Hosts: Marshall Sutcliffe and Luis Scott-Vargas Marshall's Twitter: https://twitter.com/Marshall_LR Luis's Twitter: https://twitter.com/lsv LR Community Subreddit: http://www.reddit.com/r/lrcast

trust thunder outlaws junction lr limited resources humph

Reviewing PENTAGON MVs Pt. 2 | BlushCat Podcast Ep. 29

BlushCat

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 14, 2023 65:02

Welcome to part 2 of our review and discussion of PENTAGON's music videos. Last week we covered up until Naughty Boy, so this time we're covering from COSMO to PADO. Join us as we appreciate these iconic masterpieces and let's just all remember to STAN PENTAGON. Tell us if you are a Universe and STAN PENTAGON and share your favorite Pentagon MV with us in the comments! Like, subscribe, comment, and stay meowin'! Follow us on Spotify! sptfy.com/BlushCat Follow BlushCat Twitter: @BlushCat_twt Instagram: @BlushCatOfficial Edited by: @DevinCrystie 0:00 Intro + Logo Motion 0:15 Devin + Toad Opening Comments + Today's Topic 2:34 COSMO (Japanese) 5:54 SHA LA LA 13:12 Humph! 19:20 SHA LA LA Japanese 22:18 Happiness Japanese 26:33 Dr. BeBe 32:36 Basquiat (Special video) 39:20 Daisy 45:39 DO or NOT 52:53 Feelin' Like 56:38 PADO (wave to me) (Japanese) 1:01:05 Subscribe, Notifications On, Like 1:04:49 Meowtro #펜타곤 #PENTAGON #kpop #BlushCat #podcast Howdy, Meowers! Check out the non-podcast kpop content only on YouTube + get new episodes earlier! https://www.youtube.com/@BlushCatOfficial BlushCat is a K-Pop themed podcast airing every weekend. Devin and the ever name-changing Host #2 discuss everything from their favorite groups to popular shows starring everyone's favorite (and least favorite) idols.

spotify japanese universe reviewing pentagon k pop cosmo feelin naughty boy humph

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Ch 9-11

Harry Potter and the First Time Readers

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 3, 2023 140:48

Chapter 9 - The Half-Blood PrinceHermione's remonstration was drowned by a loud giggle; Lavender Brown had apparently found Ron's remark highly amusing. She continued to laugh as she passed them, glancing back at Ron over her shoulder. Ron looked rather pleased with himself.Q1 - Does Lavender like Ron?‘Humph,' snorted Professor McGonagall. ‘It's high time your grandmother learned to be proud of the grandson she's got, rather than the one she thinks she ought to have – particularly after what happened at the Ministry.'Q2 - Do you ever think McGonagall could go bad?Q3 - Do you think Gryffindor will win the Quidditch Cup this year?Snape set off around the edge of the room, speaking now in a lower voice; the class craned their necks to keep him in view. ‘The Dark Arts,' said Snape, ‘are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible.' Harry stared at Snape. It was surely one thing to respect the Dark Arts as a dangerous enemy, another to speak of them, as Snape was doing, with a loving caress in his voice?His Shield Charm was so strong Snape was knocked off-balance and hit a desk. The whole class had looked round and now watched as Snape righted himself, scowling. ‘Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?' ‘Yes,' said Harry stiffly. ‘Yes sir.' ‘There's no need to call me “sir”, Professor.'Q4 - Do you view Harry as a better wizard than Snape?This left Harry, Ron and Hermione to share a table with Ernie. They chose the one nearest a gold-coloured cauldron that was emitting one of the most seductive scents Harry had ever inhaled: somehow it reminded him simultaneously of treacle tart, the woody smell of a broomstick handle and something flowery he thought he might have smelled at The Burrow. He found that he was breathing very slowly and deeply and that the potion's fumes seemed to be filling him up like drink. A great contentment stole over him; he grinned across at Ron, who grinned lazily back.Q5 - What do you think of the Amortentia?It's supposed to smell differently to each of us, according to what attracts us, and I can smell freshly mown grass and new parchment and –' But she turned slightly pink and did not complete the sentence.Q6 - What is the last smell Hermione smells?‘No, I don't think so, sir. I'm Muggle-born, you see.' Harry saw Malfoy lean close to Nott and whisper something; both of them sniggered, but Slughorn showed no dismay; on the contrary, he beamed and looked from Hermione to Harry, who was sitting next to her. ‘Oho! “One of my best friends is Muggle-born and she's the best in our year!” I'm assuming this is the very friend of whom you spoke, Harry?' ‘Yes, sir,' said Harry. ‘Well, well, take twenty well-earned points for Gryffindor, Miss Granger,' said Slughorn genially.Q7 - Is Slughorn growing on you?‘Amortentia doesn't really create love, of course. It is impossible to manufacture or imitate love. No, this will simply cause a powerful infatuation or obsession. It is probably the most dangerous and powerful potion in this room – oh yes,' he said, nodding gravely at Malfoy and Nott, both of whom were smirking skeptically. ‘When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love …Q8 - What do you think of this line?Q9 - What do you think of Liquid Luck?Q10 - What is a time when you beat everyone in class at something?‘The clear winner!' he cried to the dungeon. ‘Excellent, excellent, Harry! Good Lord, it's clear you've inherited your mother's talent, she was a dab hand at Potions, Lily was! Here you are, then, here you are – one bottle of Felix Felicis, as promised, and use it well!'Nobody else was looking. Harry bent low to retrieve the book and, as he did so, he saw something scribbled along the bottom of the back cover in the same small, cramped handwriting as the instructions that had won him his bottle of Felix Felicis, now safely hidden inside a pair of socks in his trunk upstairs. This Book is the Property of the Half-Blood PrinceQ11 - Who is the Half-Blood Prince?Chapter 10 - The House of GauntQ1 - Should Harry be following the book's advice?Q2 - What do you think of Snape and Slughorn in their roles?‘Well, I have decided that it is time, now that you know what prompted Lord Voldemort to try and kill you fifteen years ago, for you to be given certain information.'Q3 - Jenn, did your heart rate go up here?‘I told you everything I know. From this point forth, we shall be leaving the firm foundation of fact and journeying together through the murky marshes of memory into thickets of wildest guesswork. From hereon in, Harry, I may be as woefully wrong as Humphrey Belcher, who believed the time was ripe for a cheese cauldron.'Q4 - Where have you seen Little Hangleton before?There was a scuffling noise in the corner beside the open window and Harry realized that there was somebody else in the room, a girl whose ragged gray dress was the exact color of the dirty stone wall behind her. She was standing beside a steaming pot on a grimy black stove, and was fiddling around with the shelf of squalid-looking pots and pans above it. Her hair was lank and dull and she had a plain, pale, rather heavy face. Her eyes, like her brother's, stared in opposite directions. She looked a little cleaner than the two men, but Harry thought he had never seen a more defeated-looking person.Q5 - What do you think of Merope and Morfin?Q6 - Is a Squib made from abuse?Q7 - What do you think of Tom Riddle's origin story?‘Sir … is it important to know all this about Voldemort's past?' ‘Very important, I think,' said Dumbledore. ‘And it … it's got something to do with the prophecy?' ‘It has everything to do with the prophecy.'Q8 - Why is this important?Q9 - What is the ring and what happened to Dumbledore's hand?Chapter 11 - Hermione's Helping HandNon-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed on U-No-Poo.‘We've got to go and explain,' said Hermione, looking up at Hagrid's huge empty chair at the staff table the following Saturday at breakfast. ‘We've got Quidditch tryouts this morning!' said Ron. ‘And we're supposed to be practicing that Aguamenti charm for Flitwick! Anyway, explain what? How are we going to tell him we hated his stupid subject?'Q1 - What is the Aguamenti charm?Q2 - Is Hagrid childish for this?‘Oh, come on, Harry,' said Hermione, suddenly impatient. ‘It's not Quidditch that's popular, it's you! You've never been more interesting and, frankly, you've never been more fanciable.' Ron gagged on a large piece of kipper. Hermione spared him one look of disdain before turning back to Harry.Q3 - Why is Ron gagging?Q4 - Harry mentioned he hoped Lupin would write…why doesn't Lupin write?Q5 - Do you think Stan Shunpike is a Death Eater?‘People are terrified – you know the Patil twins' parents want them to go home? And Eloise Midgeon has already been withdrawn. Her father picked her up last night.'Q6 - If you had kids, would you take them out of Hogwarts?Q7 - Dumbledore is gone missing a lot…what is he doing?Q8 - How do you think this years Gryffindor quidditch team looks?Q9 - What do you think about Hermione confounding Cormac?‘But how can he have done, Harry?' said Hermione, putting down the newspaper with a surprised look. ‘We were all searched when we arrived, weren't we?' ‘Were you?' said Harry, taken aback. ‘I wasn't!' ‘Oh no, of course you weren't, I forgot you were late … well, Filch ran over all of us with Secrecy Sensors when we got into the Entrance Hall. Any Dark object would have been found, I know for a fact Crabbe had a shrunken head confiscated. So you see, Malfoy can't have brought in anything dangerous!'Q10 - What was this Shrunken head? And did Malfoy sneak anything in?Q11 - What's the best party you've ever been to?

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Ch 4-5

Harry Potter and the First Time Readers

Play Episode Listen Later Jun 19, 2023 115:55

Chapter 4 - Horace SlughornDespite the fact that he had spent every waking moment of the past few days hoping desperately that Dumbledore would indeed come to fetch him, Harry felt distinctly awkward as they set off down Privet Drive together. He had never had a proper conversation with his headmaster outside Hogwarts before; there was usually a desk between them. Q1 - What is one question you'd ask Dumbledore if you could ask him anything?‘Keep your wand at the ready, Harry,' he said brightly. ‘But I thought I'm not allowed to use magic outside school, sir?' ‘If there is an attack,' said Dumbledore, ‘I give you permission to use any counter-jinx or -curse that might occur to you. However, I do not think you need worry about being attacked tonight.' ‘Why not, sir?' ‘You are with me,' said Dumbledore simply.Q2 - Is Dumbledore arrogant to say this?Q3 - Who in the wizarding world would you feel completely safe around?‘So tell me, Harry,' said Dumbledore. ‘Your scar … has it been hurting at all?' Harry raised a hand unconsciously to his forehead and rubbed the lightning-shaped mark. ‘No,' he said, ‘and I've been wondering about that. I thought it would be burning all the time now Voldemort's getting so powerful again.' He glanced up at Dumbledore and saw that he was wearing a satisfied expression. ‘I, on the other hand, thought otherwise,' said Dumbledore. ‘Lord Voldemort has finally realized the dangerous access to his thoughts and feelings you have been enjoying. It appears that he is now employing Occlumency against you.'Q4 - Is the Dark Lord smart to employ this?Dumbledore had pointed with his injured hand. ‘Professor, what happened to your –?' ‘I have no time to explain now,' said Dumbledore. ‘It is a thrilling tale, I wish to do it justice.'Q5 - What happened to his hand?‘Sir – I got a Ministry of Magic leaflet by owl, about security measures we should all take against the Death Eaters …' ‘Yes, I received one myself,' said Dumbledore, still smiling. ‘Did you find it useful?' ‘Not really.' ‘No, I thought not. You have not asked me, for instance, what is my favorite flavor of jam, to check that I am indeed Professor Dumbledore, and not an impostor.'‘ I didn't …' Harry began, not entirely sure whether he was being reprimanded or not. ‘For future reference, Harry, it is raspberry … although of course, if I were a Death Eater, I would have been sure to research my own jam-preferences before impersonating myself.'Q6 - What is your favorite flavor of jam?‘Well, on that leaflet, it said something about Inferi. What exactly are they? The leaflet wasn't very clear.' ‘They are corpses,' said Dumbledore calmly. ‘Dead bodies that have been bewitched to do a Dark wizard's bidding. Inferi have not been seen for a long time, however, not since Voldemort was last powerful … he killed enough people to make an army of them, of course. This is the place, Harry, just here …'Q7 - Thoughts on Inferi?Harry's jaw dropped. Where a split second before there had been an armchair, there now crouched an enormously fat, bald old man who was massaging his lower belly and squinting up at Dumbledore with an aggrieved and watery eye. ‘There was no need to stick the wand in that hard,' he said gruffly, clambering to his feet. ‘It hurt.'He set the bottle back on the sideboard and sighed. It was then that his gaze fell upon Harry. ‘Oho,' he said, his large round eyes flying to Harry's forehead and the lightning-shaped scar it bore. ‘Oho!' ‘This,' said Dumbledore, moving forwards to make the introduction, ‘is Harry Potter. Harry, this is an old friend and colleague of mine, Horace Slughorn.'Q8 - What are your initial thoughts on Horace Slughorn?He shrugged and spread his hands wide, as though to say that age had its compensations, and Harry noticed a ring on his uninjured hand that he had never seen Dumbledore wear before: it was large, rather clumsily made of what looked like gold, and was set with a heavy black stone that had cracked down the middle. Slughorn's eyes lingered for a moment on the ring, too, and Harry saw a tiny frown momentarily crease his wide forehead.Q9 - What is this ring?‘Professor Umbridge ran afoul of our centaur herd,' said Dumbledore. ‘I think you, Horace, would have known better than to stride into the Forest and call a horde of angry centaurs “filthy half-breeds”.' ‘That's what she did, did she?' said Slughorn. ‘Idiotic woman. Never liked her.' Harry chuckled and both Dumbledore and Slughorn looked round at him. ‘Sorry,' Harry said hastily. ‘It's just – I didn't like her, either.'Dumbledore crossed the room. Once the door had closed behind him there was silence. After a few moments Slughorn got to his feet, but seemed uncertain what to do with himself. He shot a furtive look at Harry, then strode to the fire and turned his back on it, warming his wide behind.Q10 - How loud would Slughorn's apparate crack be?‘You look very like your father.' ‘Yeah, I've been told,' said Harry. Except for your eyes. You've got –' ‘My mother's eyes, yeah.' Harry had heard it so often he found it a bit wearing. ‘Humph. Yes, well. You shouldn't have favorites as a teacher, of course, but she was one of mine. Your mother,' Slughorn added, in answer to Harry's questioning look. ‘Lily Evans. One of the brightest I ever taught. Vivacious, you know. Charming girl. I used to tell her she ought to have been in my house. Very cheeky answers I used to get back, too.' ‘Which was your house?' ‘I was Head of Slytherin,' said Slughorn. ‘Oh, now,' he went on quickly, seeing the expression on Harry's face and wagging a stubby finger at him, ‘don't go holding that against me! Q11 - What do you think of Slughorn after these facts?‘I tell you all this,' Dumbledore continued, ‘not to turn you against Horace – or, as we must now call him, Professor Slughorn – but to put you on your guard. He will undoubtedly try to collect you, Harry. You would be the jewel of his collection: the Boy Who Lived … or, as they call you these days, the Chosen One.'Q12 - If Slughorn is like this, why does Dumbledore want him to teach at Hogwarts?‘I hope you will forgive me for mentioning it, Harry, but I am pleased and a little proud at how well you seem to be coping after everything that happened at the Ministry. Permit me to say that I think Sirius would have been proud of you.' Harry swallowed; his voice seemed to have deserted him. He did not think he could stand to discuss Sirius. It had been painful enough to hear Uncle Vernon say ‘His godfather's dead?'; even worse to hear Sirius's name thrown out casually by Slughorn. ‘It was cruel,' said Dumbledore softly, ‘that you and Sirius had such a short time together. A brutal ending to what should have been a long and happy relationship.' Harry nodded, his eyes fixed resolutely on the spider now climbing Dumbledore's hat. He could tell that Dumbledore understood, that he might even suspect that until his letter arrived Harry had spent nearly all his time at the Dursleys' lying on his bed, refusing meals and staring at the misted window, full of the chill emptiness that he had come to associate with Dementors. ‘It's just hard,' Harry said finally, in a low voice, ‘to realize he won't write to me again.'Harry said nothing, but Dumbledore did not seem to require an answer. He continued, ‘On a different, though related, subject, it is my wish that you take private lessons with me this year.' ‘Private – with you?' said Harry, surprised out of his preoccupied silence. ‘Yes. I think it is time that I took a greater hand in your education.' ‘What will you be teaching me, sir?' ‘Oh, a little of this, a little of that,' said Dumbledore airily.Q13 - What will Harry's private lessons be on?Q14 - Why does Dumbledore want Harry to carry around the invisibility cloak with him at all times?Chapter 5 - An Excess of PhlegmQ1 - Tonks seems really sad and out of it at the beginning of this chapter…why?‘What do you like me to call you when we're alone together?' Even by the dim light of the lantern Harry could tell that Mrs Weasley had turned bright red; he himself felt suddenly warm around the ears and neck, and hastily gulped soup, clattering his spoon as loudly as he could against the bowl. ‘Mollywobbles,' whispered a mortified Mrs Weasley into the crack at the edge of the door. ‘Correct,' said Mr Weasley. ‘Now you can let me in.'Q2 - What do you think of Mollywobbles?Mrs Weasley made a noise that sounded like ‘tchah!' ‘Mum hates her,' said Ginny quietly. ‘I do not hate her!' said Mrs Weasley in a cross whisper. ‘I just think they've hurried into this engagement, that's all!' ‘They've known each other a year,' said Ron, who looked oddly groggy and was staring at the closed door. ‘Well, that's not very long! I know why it's happened, of course.Q3 - What do you think of Fleur coming back into the story?‘Nobody knows what it said, though,' said Hermione quickly. ‘It got smashed.' ‘Although the Prophet says –' began Ron, but Hermione said, ‘Shh!' ‘The Prophet's got it right,' said Harry, looking up at them both with a great effort: Hermione seemed frightened and Ron amazed. ‘That glass ball that smashed wasn't the only record of the prophecy. I heard the whole thing in Dumbledore's office, he was the one the prophecy was made to, so he could tell me. From what it said,' Harry took a deep breath, ‘it looks like I'm the one who's got to finish off Voldemort … at least, it said neither of us could live while the other survives.' The three of them gazed at each other in silence for a moment.Q4 - What do you think of Harry telling Ron and Hermione the prophecy?Harry did not really listen. A warmth was spreading through him that had nothing to do with the sunlight; a tight obstruction in his chest seemed to be dissolving. He knew that Ron and Hermione were more shocked than they were letting on, but the mere fact that they were still there on either side of him, speaking bracing words of comfort, not shrinking from him as though he were contaminated or dangerous, was worth more than he could ever tell them.Q5 - Why do you think Harry is feeling this?Q6 - What do you think of Harry's OWL results?Q7 - Do you remember what you got on your SATs?Harry looked back down at his results. They were as good as he could have hoped for. He felt just one tiny twinge of regret … this was the end of his ambition to become an Auror. He had not secured the required Potions grade. He had known all along that he wouldn't, but he still felt a sinking in his stomach as he looked again at that small black ‘E'.Q8 - So Harry can't become an Auror, what career path will he go down now?

Bad Intel – “The Snowmen” & “The Web of Fear”

No Not the Mind Probe: A Doctor Who podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 17, 2023 75:48

Humph, "Great Intelligence"? But you're disembodied? And battle us with snowmen? Don't seem so "great" to me! Ha! Got 'em!

intel snowmen web of fear great intelligence humph

Sword Kvetch by Julie Hoverson (19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week)

19 Nocturne Boulevard

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 2, 2023 34:03

When Cael Carzfinker, blade maiden of the ninth rank (etc., etc.) comes to the castle of Evil Wizard Mazurin to rescue a captive prince, the outcome is.... magical. Cast List Cael - Julie Hoverson Amalan - Krystal Baker Mazurin - Gareth Bowley Gigli - Reynaud LeBoeuf Prince Tupin - Abner Senires Music: Celestial Aeon Project and Matti Paalanen Editing / Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's a road through a dark and spooky forest, leading up to an evil wizard's castle" ________________________________________________ SWORD KVETCH Cast: Mazurin, Evil Wizard Cael, Amazon Warrior Tupin, Captive Prince Gigli, Goblin Amalan, Magic Sword OLIVIA What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's the dark woods outside an evil castle, can't you tell? MUSIC AMB SPOOKY NIGHT WOODS SOUND WOLF HOWL IN THE DISTANCE SOUND HOOVES ON DIRT UNDER CAEL [sigh] Typical. AMALAN What? CAEL I could write a ballad already. AMALAN Oh, no. No, no, no - that's not your job. CAEL Shh. I'm composing. [muttering to self] AMALAN [whispered] [sigh] Typical. CAEL Evil castle looms ahead.... Hmm... Nighttime, need to rest my head-- AMALAN You can't rhyme head with ahead. CAEL It rhymes, doesn't it? AMALAN [exasperated sigh] CAEL [vague threat] I'm getting another sword. AMALAN You always say that, but you know you couldn't do without me. CAEL [exasperated sigh] AMALAN And who could you ever pass me off to? CAEL Someone deaf. MUSIC AMD ECHOEY CASTLE SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS RUN IN GIGLI [coming on] Master! Master! MAZURIN [distracted] Mm? GIGLI Master! MAZURIN Shh-shh-shh. [excited] Do you see what I have here, my smelly little homunculi? GIGLI But master--! MAZURIN [tsks] I've turned this drop of water into an equal measure of dust. GIGLI [flat] Why? MAZURIN It's a vital transmutation. A change like this could make a great deal of difference! GIGLI To a thirsty cockroach? MAZURIN No no, you have to see how, yes, on a tiny scale, this could be a negligible change-- GIGLI [sigh] Sir? MAZURIN --But if you do this a million times at once, with a million drops of water, you could cause an entire lake to suddenly turn to dust, ruining agriculture. And then, with a simple reverse, water from dust! GIGLI Good. Lovely. Can I report now? It's kind of urgent. SOUND FIDDLING ABOUT WITH BOTTLES, ETC. MAZURIN [still distracted] Uh - what? Yes, of course, go ahead. GIGLI Are you listening? SOUND BOTTLE SET DOWN MAZURIN [distant] Of course. GIGLI [exasperated] Oh! SOUND BOTTLE SMASHES ON FLOOR MAZURIN What? Why did you--? GIGLI Listening now? MAZURIN [annoyed] Yes, get on with it! GIGLI Someone is approaching the castle! MAZURIN [losing interest] Oh, well - set up the defenses. GIGLI It's an Amazon! MAZURIN [mildly interested] Oh, that's different. [shrug] Still, the defenses... GIGLI The moat monster is in labor. MAZURIN I thought it laid eggs. GIGLI Well, not after you did one of your little experiments on it. And it's not best pleased about it. MAZURIN Oh. GIGLI And the man-eating vines--? MAZURIN What? I didn't do-- They're not giving birth, are they? GIGLI Think it through? MAZURIN What? GIGLI Man-eating vines? Amazon warrior? MAZURIN [realizing slowly] Oh? Oh! GIGLI [sigh] MUSIC SOUND HOOFBEATS ON WOOD AMALAN Cael, I don't like this. CAEL You mean the way nothing at all tried to stop us from strolling right up to the front door of the evil wizard's castle? AMALAN [sarcastic] No, I meant the two-headed gargoyles - they're so passe'. Of course that's what I mean! There must be a trap-- CAEL I'll keep my eyes peeled. AMALAN Me too. CAEL You haven't any eyes. AMALAN Don't nitpick. SOUND HOOFBEATS STOP SOUND TAPPING OF FINGERS ON THE POMMEL CAEL [musing] No reception committee. No moat monster.... The gargoyles? AMALAN They're tacky as hell, but I don't sense any magic there. CAEL Well, then. SOUND DISMOUNT, HORSE NICKERS SOUND POUNDING ON HUGE WOODEN DOOR AMALAN Subtlety. I like it. CAEL It's what I do. MUSIC SOUND DISTANT BANGING ON DOOR GIGLI [calling from off] Master! MAZURIN Stop banging, Gigli. SOUND SLAPPY FOOTSTEPS APPROACH GIGLI [a little closer] They're at the door! MAZURIN Tell them we don't want any. GIGLI [almost here] The Amazon? MAZURIN Oh, yes. She got through the defenses--? Oh, yes of course. GIGLI What are you going to do? MAZURIN Oh, the usual. GIGLI [sigh, down] Send me to find out what she wants? MAZURIN Good idea. Let me know what she says. MUSIC SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR AMALAN If it's abandoned, that would explain the lack of defenses. CAEL The high council doesn't send a questor to an empty castle. AMALAN They might not know. CAEL Yes. [sarcastic] Why don't you just go and point that out-- GIGLI [yelling from off, above] Hail, warrior! CAEL Hmm. Manners. [up] Who hails me? GIGLI I represent Mazurin, wizard of the crooked path, mage of the 8th tier, sorcerer-- AMALAN [muttered] Yeah, but can he dance? CAEL [side of mouth] Shh. [up] I have come to face your wizard. Open the gate. GIGLI What is your charge? Mazurin is an exceedingly busy mage. AMALAN Crooking tiers? CAEL [tiny sigh] I am Cael Carzfinker, Blade maiden of the 9th rank, slayer of 3 gorgons, and participant in the slaughter of the great red armadillo of Murcie-- AMALAN With a minor in [shudder] songwriting... CAEL --and I am charged by the high council of her most royal majesty Luria the balladeer-- AMALAN [muttered] Ballbuster. CAEL [trying not to react] --to find and recover the missing Prince Tupin of Vagon, with an eye toward marriage. GIGLI And my boss is supposed to care - why? CAEL The scryes say the prince is here - a captive in durance vile under the thumb of this "boss" of yours. AMALAN Excessive. CAEL And thus have I come to reclaim him. GIGLI Oh! Right. Hold on, I'll tell the wizard. CAEL Where'd he go? AMALAN Ducked behind one of those excrescences. CAEL I didn't see any of those. AMALAN [exasperated] The gargoyles. CAEL So we wait for the wizard to speak. SOUND DRUMMING OF FINGERS AMALAN Oh, you're not-- CAEL "Green and crooked, small and beady"... [searching for a rhyme] beady? Beeeee-dy. AMALAN Eyes are beady. He was more... seedy. CAEL Ah! "--Small and seedy, his locks were lank and eyes were beady". AMALAN [sigh] MUSIC SOUND SCRITCHING OF A PEN SOUND SLAPPING FEET RUN UP GIGLI [slightly puffed, laughing his ass off] Sire! She's here for him! SOUND DOINK AS OF FINGER SNAPPED AGAINST SOMETHING GLASS MAZURIN Him? Oh, well. That's simple then - I'll just un-glaze him, and-- GIGLI You can't just hand him over! MAZURIN Why not? Then she'll go away. Problem solved. GIGLI [exasperated sigh] Tradition? Ring a bell? MAZURIN Tradition? Oh, you're not going to say I have to fight to the death over a trifle like-- GIGLI No! But you're supposed to make her do tasks to earn him, so she'll spread word of your cunning and deviousness. [muttered] And so she'll keep him once she gets him. MAZURIN Oh. I'm far too busy to come up with some silly tasks. What does tradition say? GIGLI I'll make you up some note cards. Want me to let her in? MAZURIN An... Amazon? Don't they sleep in barns or something? GIGLI I certainly wouldn't want to be the one to suggest it to her. I'll find her and tell her you will speak to her at dinner. MAZURIN I will? GIGLI Tradition. MAZURIN [pouting] Fine. Tell her, then come back and find me some [vague] ... robes. MUSIC GIGLI [off] ...This way, and the wizard will be with you shortly. SOUND BOOTED FEET ENTER ECHOEY HALL AMALAN Roomy. CAEL Kind of dusty, isn't it? AMALAN Hard to keep help in an evil castle. CAEL [agreeing] Hmm. SOUND POOF! MAZURIN [booming voice] Dusty? Humph! SOUND POOF! SOUND WATER DRIPPING ALL OVER. AMALAN [doubtful] Impressive? MAZURIN [muttered] Oh, drat. CAEL [wiping her face] Well, that's new. SOUND SPLAT OF WATER SHAKEN OFF MAZURIN [trying to save face "I meant to do that"] It's... something I've been working on. AMALAN You could use it, back home. CAEL Shh. AMALAN You could finally get your quarters clean. CAEL Shh! MAZURIN What? CAEL Nothing. [declaring] Mighty Wizard, I have come to recover the most noble prince Tupin and bring him home to wed. This is my quest. [snarls] Do not stand in my way. MAZURIN Oh, of course not. AMALAN What? GIGLI [hissed] Master! MAZURIN Huh? Oh right - as long as-- um, you-- GIGLI [whispered prompting] Can overcome my challenges three. MAZURIN --Can overcome three challenges. GIGLI [muttered] Close enough. CAEL Of course. Name your challenges. MAZURIN [taken completely aback] Oh! Well-- GIGLI [whispered] You forgot the cards? [stepping forward] My great master will issue you each challenge at the break of dawn on three successive days. Then you will have until sunset on the same day to complete each one. CAEL Morning? Why not start now? AMALAN Tradition. GIGLI Tradition, milady. CAEL Fine. What now? GIGLI Dinner? CAEL Hmm. How about showing me the prince, so I know I'm not wasting my time? MUSIC SOUND RINGING OF CRYSTAL AMALAN Well, it's a guy. CAEL He's... glass? MAZURIN Much less irritating that way. GIGLI [jumping in] For the great wizard finds the company of mere mortals a burden - he turns them into glass to show his mighty contempt. AMALAN That's a lot of contempt. CAEL It's rather a lot of prince. Ok, oh great wizard - let's just get this straight right up front. When I beat your challenges, you'll turn him back to normal before letting me take him, right? MAZURIN That goes without saying-- GIGLI After the first challenge, he will be returned to flesh. After the second, he will awaken, the third, you may take him. CAEL Good, I don't want to have to cart around a giant glass statue - must weigh a ton. And it would be rather unfortunate if I dropped him. MAZURIN Not really. AMALAN Nice. CAEL You said something about dinner? MUSIC SOUND DINING GIGLI More port, sire? MAZURIN [dismissive] Yes, yes. Now um, if you can picture this fork as an oncoming enemy-- SOUND CLINK OF FORK - clink clink clink MAZURIN Then the napkin - I mean the entrapment grass, remember - would of course slow him-- GIGLI Your port. MAZURIN Over there, beside the battlefield. GIGLI [exasperated sigh] SOUND CUP SET DOWN. MAZURIN Where was I, oh yes, slow him-- SOUND CLINKS GET MUFFLED, THEN SLOW MAZURIN --and eventually stop him. SOUND MUFFLED CLATTER AS FORK IS WRAPPED UP IN NAPKIN CAEL [interested] Clever. MAZURIN Really? CAEL Immobilizing an enemy makes him an easy target. So you put your strength into archers, to pick off the enemy soldiers stuck in the fields like-- AMALAN Garden gnomes? CAEL --like so many topiary. Hmm. Not bad at all. I could even write a song about that. AMALAN Oh, please don't - he'll turn you to glass. CAEL Shut up. MAZURIN I didn't say anything. CAEL Not you-- [sigh] I have this curse-- AMALAN I am not cursed. CAEL --of a sword. It talks to me. MAZURIN Do you often hear weapons talk? AMALAN [snickers] CAEL No, really. Here-- SOUND UNSHEATHES SWORD CAEL Say something. [beat] [apologetic] Great, now she's pissed at me. [muttered] Don't make me look bad. [up] When she's in the sheath, I'm the only one who can hear her. GIGLI Your sword is a girl? Isn't that somehow counter-intuitive? AMALAN Big words from a goblin, bub. CAEL [heavy sigh] See? MUSIC SOUND WALKING INTO SMALLER CHAMBER GIGLI Sleep tight! SOUND DOOR CLOSES CAEL I can't believe you would embarrass me that way! AMALAN Embarrass you? Who called who cursed? CAEL No, I said you were "my curse", not that you were accursed. AMALAN Oh. That's different. CAEL How's that damn wizard gonna have any respect for me now? AMALAN Who cares? He's old. And evil. CAEL He's not that old. AMALAN And evil. CAEL [shrug] That's his job. MUSIC SOUND DOOR SHUTS, TIPTOEING SLAPPY FEET MAZURIN [roaring] Gigli? GIGLI Gurk! [deep breath, then bright] Yes, master? MAZURIN What did you think you were doing, insulting an Amazon like that? GIGLI I -- I didn't-- MAZURIN You called her a lummox! GIGLI She was... playing you, sire! I was only defending your-- MAZURIN What? Playing what? GIGLI Playing games. You know no one ever actually listens to you when you rant on about one of your inventions, and there she is [squeaky] "oh how clever! You're so smart!" [normal] blech! And you-- MAZURIN [wounded] Of course people listen to me-- GIGLI I don't. MAZURIN [huffy] You're just a familiar. GIGLI [muttered] Don't remind me. [up] Sire, what I meant is she's trying to soften you up, get you to like her, so the tests will be easier. MAZURIN What's wrong with that? GIGLI [sigh] You have a reputation to uphold, my mighty lord. MAZURIN Oh, I really don't-- GIGLI --and if it gets out that you're a pushover, every Tom, Dick and Harry will be at your doorstep, looking to get something from you. MAZURIN [gasp of panic] GIGLI And when will you ever get anything done? MUSIC SOUND PACING IN THE ECHOEY DINING HALL AMALAN So wizards don't wake up as early as warriors. So what? CAEL It's dawn. He said dawn. AMALAN Barely. Sit. CAEL Nah. I'm hyped. I'm ready for something really difficult. A good fight. SOUND POOF! MAZURIN The challenge is-- CAEL [eager] Yes? MAZURIN Now, if you think the challenge is too hard, you can back out and go away, you know. AMALAN Ri-i-ight. CAEL Not gonna happen. MAZURIN I am not adverse to leaving someone alive to spread word of my cruelty and -- and--. GIGLI [hissed] Cunning! MAZURIN And cunning. CAEL And? MAZURIN And...? [thinks] and... meanness? CAEL [sigh] And the challenge? MAZURIN Right. You must ... empty my entire moat into a single tankard. AMALAN [eyeroll] Oh, jeez. CAEL [skeptical] Are you sure? MAZURIN Sure? SOUND SORTING THROUGH CARDS, STOPS MAZURIN Um... yes. That's the first challenge. AMALAN You wanna tell him, or should I? CAEL Ok, here's the deal. I could go out into the yard, smack a big hole in the bottom of a tankard and then cupful by cupful pour slimy moat water into the now bottomless tankard until there's nothing left in your pond but silt, dying fish and a pissed off moat monster. MAZURIN Oh. [whispered] Would that work? SOUND FLIPPING PAGES GIGLI Uh-- Yeah. CAEL Or I could-- MAZURIN [whispered] I can go on to another one. GIGLI [whispered] Nah. You can't switch horses in midstream. CAEL Is everything all right? MAZURIN [up] Just a moment! AMALAN Ka-ching! CAEL What? AMALAN You aced it - he might demand you actually go through with it, but he seems surprisingly reasonable for an evil wizard. CAEL I still don't think he's all that evil. AMALAN He turns people to glass and makes grass that grabs you. CAEL And I bring in archers to kill the immobilized troops-- MAZURIN All right. We've got this settled. AMALAN He lets his familiar be part of the decision process? CAEL I talk to a sword. [up] Yes, oh mighty wizard? MAZURIN Well. [ahem] Rather than have to restock my pond-- AMALAN Boo-yah! MAZURIN --we're going to take it as read that you completed the first task, and start fresh in the morning. CAEL What do we do for the rest of the day? MAZURIN [at a loss] uh... well... [doubtful] You could... come and see my workshop? AMALAN Spare me. CAEL That would be fascinating. AMALAN No really, spare me! CAEL While we're there, you can turn the prince back to flesh. MAZURIN Oh, right. Of course. AMALAN Couldn't you leave me with the blasted goblin? At least he can hold a conversation. CAEL Shut up. MAZURIN What? Oh, right, the sword. Did I mention that I've figured out how to turn water to dust, and vice versa? Mostly only a drop at a time, just yet, mind you - since it's very hard to control in large quantities - oh, well, except for last night-- CAEL Oh, is that what that was--? MAZURIN --but I was -uh- trying to make an impression. MUSIC CAEL [singing, but a bit shaky] the mighty warrior calms her rage goes into the castle dark and drear wond'ring what sort of wicked mage might be he that liv-ed here and whether she would see another day! SOUND LIGHT BUT ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE MAZURIN [admiring] You wrote that just last night? CAEL I - I couldn't sleep. It's not finished. MUSIC MAZURIN I work on very small amounts at a time - no need, really, to enchant huge things. Saves space and lord knows, who wants seven tons of aspic just lying around? MAZ and CAEL [CHUCKLE] GIGLI [exasperated] On that culinary note - Master, do you plan to dine here in the workshop? MAZURIN Dine? But it's hardly even dark out-- Oh! Well. CAEL No wonder you keep lighting candles. MAZURIN I didn't even notice, I was so caught up-- GIGLI Din-ner? MAZURIN Of course. Of course. Shall we? CAEL [stretching] I hadn't even thought about it, but I am famished. GIGLI And your sword? CAEL don't be silly. Swords don't eat. She's been awfully quiet, though. AMALAN I have been trying to ignore you. You're acting like a scullery maid who got smiled at by a lord. CAEL What? AMALAN And it will get you into trouble- this mage is the enemy. He's enchanting you. MAZURIN Something wrong? CAEL No. [thinking] Nothing. MUSIC GIGLI Sleep well. Challenge at dawn. All that. SOUND DOOR SHUTS CAEL Check me for magic. AMALAN Why? CAEL You're the one who said he's enchanting me. AMALAN I meant he's charming you - not like a CHARM charm, just by being a smooth talker. CAEL So you don't really suspect a spell? AMALAN I don't see anything out of the ordinary. CAEL Whew. That's a relief. MUSIC SOUND BANGING ON THE DOOR GIGLI Rise and shine! It's dawn. SOUND DOOR OPENS SLOWLY GIGLI Hello? Hmm. SOUND FLAPPY STEPS INTO THE ROOM GIGLI Must already be down there... [mischievous] We-e-e-ell. SOUND PAWING THROUGH HER THINGS GIGLI Figures an Amazon wouldn't have anything interesting in the way of undies. Lace would ride up something fierce. What's this? SOUND PARCHMENT UNROLLS GIGLI [reading] "The great and mighty Queen Luria" blah blah blah "doth decree" Oh doth she? Blah blah blah. "That prince Tupin should be returned safely to her royal residence in order to be joined in marriage and alignment with her oldest daughter [ with feeling] princess Cael!" [tsks, then truly rueful] Boss ain't gonna like this. MUSIC MAZURIN The test for today-- [muttered] where is that idiot goblin anyway? [up] Is for you to clean out the stables of my thirty terribly ferocious horses. CAEL OK. But this one's going to be easy too. AMALAN Unless they've been eating fermented oats - remember that one time at bard camp? MAZURIN Oh? CAEL Course. I've spent my entire life around the royal stables. Horses like me. MAZURIN Oh, I suppose we could just call it even and I could show you a few more-- CAEL Nonsense. MAZURIN Nonsense? CAEL Silly! First - I might as well prove I can do something to earn my keep. And second, if it's such a test, I can't imagine the poor horses having to live there without it being cleaned. Which way? MAZURIN Oh, um, I'll take you there. SOUND FOOTSTEPS PROGRESSING THROUGH HALLWAYS CAEL That would be lovely. Oh, is there anything in the tests that says I can't ask someone for help? MAZURIN I'm not sure - Gigli would know, but-- CAEL Well, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask. MAZURIN But there's only really one, well, person, you could call on to help, and Gigli isn't fond of any kind of animals-- CAEL Oh, he's not who I was thinking of. MAZURIN What, who, then? CAEL Nuh-uh. Not until you decide if I can - don't want to give it away. MAZURIN [enjoying the byplay] Shall I guess? CAEL Nope, just decide, then I'll tell you. MAZURIN All right. Yes. You can ask someone, but I can't constrain them into helping you. CAEL [laughs] Fine. You wanna help? MAZURIN Me? CAEL I'll do all the heavy lifting, but I thought maybe once the bulk is gone, there's plenty of dust in a good old hayloft... MAZURIN Oh! [laughs himself] Oh, yes! AMALAN [disgusted] Oh, gods. MUSIC GIGLI No, no, no, no, NO! She wasn't supposed to have any help at all - how could you have missed that part? MAZURIN You weren't there to cue me, so you can't complain. What do you think of my beard? GIGLI Your beard? Why? MAZURIN I've trimmed it down a bit - I think it's rather dashing. GIGLI [disgusted] Dashing? MAZURIN Makes me look a bit of a rakehell. Do you think I should wear the green or the black robe? I like green better myself, but black is so very... oh... manly-- [hums tunelessly to himself.] GIGLI Oh, you moron! [sigh] She's supposed to marry the prince. MAZURIN [hum cuts out with a gasp] wh-wh-whatever do you mean? [Blustering, trying to laugh] What? Ha-ha-ha. [losing momentum, starting to wind down] What did you think I was ... doing? GIGLI I really hate to burst your bubble, especially since you actually eat and bathe right now, but I saw it in her gear. She has to get the prince back and marry him. MAZURIN She has to-- GIGLI Said "Princess Cael" big as life. MAZURIN Oh. MUSIC SOUND CAEL GETTING DRESSED AMALAN Lucky for you, you were in the barn when he doused it. No one likes a smelly Amazon. CAEL Do you remember if I packed my teal chemise? AMALAN Isn't that the one you only wear for state occasions? CAEL Um, yes... AMALAN The one you say rides too tight through the chest and you hate to wear except that it brings out your eyes? CAEL [overly casual] Yes. Did I pack it? AMALAN I distinctly recall the words [mimicking] "phooey, when I go to do battle, who's looking at my... eyes?" CAEL Drat. AMALAN How can you stand him? He's so dull! CAEL Dull? What do you mean? AMALAN I mean what could possibly be more completely boring than turning dust to water - oh, yes. Turning locusts to aspic. That was much more boring. CAEL It was not. It's important magic. He's very clever. AMALAN Clever like a fox. No wait that's wrong... right... anyway, forget it. I means he's deliberately being disarming, CAEL Speaking of disarming... SOUND BUCKLE BEING UNBUCKLED, SWORD LEFT BEHIND AMALAN What are you doing? CAEL Just what you asked me to do - Sparing you. AMALAN What? CAEL No reason I'd need a sword at dinner. Even with an evil wizard. MUSIC SOUND EAGER, MESSY EATING NOISES MAZURIN [heartfelt heavy sigh] TUPIN [mouth full] So where's this princess? She one of those who likes to make an entrance? Man, she must have seriously kicked your ass, eh? Is she hot? GIGLI [muttered] I'd actually forgotten-- SOUND BIG DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS MAZURIN [deeply affected - she looks good] Oh. TUPIN [eating stops, swallow] That her? Man, she's kinda chunky. And old. GIGLI Oh, for a hammer. SOUND [under the talking] MAZURIN'S CHAIR SQUEAKS OUT, HE TAKES A STUMBLING STEP AND THEN PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR HER MAZURIN [barely able to talk] You look - very nice. Very. TUPIN Aren't you a little underdressed? CAEL I - who? [whispered] Who is that? GIGLI You don't recognize him? CAEL Oh, the prince! Greetings, your highness. So pleased to see you upright - or at least sitting down. MAZURIN Have a seat, milady? CAEL Thank you so much, kind sir. TUPIN I don't have to stand. I'm royalty. CAEL What? TUPIN That crack about me not getting up when you came in - it's not like you're my mom or anything. Princes don't have to stand. GIGLI [whispered] Please let me leave, boss. I'm gonna kill him. CAEL I didn't mean anything-- MAZURIN [whispered] Go, then. GIGLI As you command. SOUND QUICK SLAPPY STEPS, DOOR TUPIN Well, you sounded very critical. I don't put up with that from anybody. Not even other royalty. MUSIC SOUND DOOR OPENS AMALAN Who's there? GIGLI Where is it...? SOUND SLAPPY FEET, SWORD SLID OUT OF SHEATH AMALAN Unhand me! GIGLI Hey, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions - as if I know what to do with a sword... Well, there is this prince... [nasty chuckle] AMALAN Prince Tupin? GIGLI Yeah. What a prize. AMALAN That bad? Is he - of course! He's awake, isn't he? GIGLI Unfortunately. AMALAN Oh, man, and I'm missing it. GIGLI If she doesn't clock him by the end of the evening, I'm no familiar. AMALAN Nah. She's under strict orders. GIGLI Yeah, I know. AMALAN You know.... what? GIGLI Oh, I was scouting for my master, and found the parchment in her things. He was really disappointed, you know. AMALAN Disappointed? Your master? Why? GIGLI That your princess will be marrying the prince. AMALAN Big whoop. She has to marry someone. Besides, it's years off. GIGLI Yeah, but he-- Nothing. AMALAN He what? GIGLI It's kind of amazing, really. Never seen my boss like this before - you know, picking out clothes by more than smell. And then finding out she's spoken for. AMALAN He's interested in the princess? That's kind of creepy. GIGLI Why? He may be a wizard, but he is a man. AMALAN Perv. GIGLI Hey, she may not be my type, but she's not so hard on the eyes. You should be more supportive. AMALAN You're a perv too. The princess is only 13! GIGLI [blink blink] She's really tall, then. AMALAN Huh? Have you even seen the princess? GIGLI [halting] Your... lady warrior? AMALAN Oh, heck no. The princess Cael is-- Oh! You thought my boss was the princess? Gads! Half the girls in the country are named Cael, for the great queen who led her people out of darkness and taught them to fight? GIGLI Oh? Oh! I've got to tell him! SOUND SLAPPY FEET AMALAN Wait! You mean your master is really-- I thought he was just softening her up. GIGLI [snorts] He wouldn't know how to begin. Short of turning her to aspic... MUSIC CAEL With the extra horses, I can him get there and make it back in about two weeks. MAZURIN [a bit negative] Back? CAEL Yes. MAZURIN [grumpy] Why? CAEL [a bit deflated] To... return the horses? MAZURIN Oh, of course. [lying badly] I may not be here. I have a big trip coming up. But Gigli can see that you have a place to sleep... CAEL [backing off] Or I could always send someone with them. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN, SLAPPY FEET RUN IN GIGLI Sire! There has been a grave error! MAZURIN [sharp] What? GIGLI It's entirely my fault, I admit - wait, what happened to the prince? CAEL He fell asleep. I think he ate too much. GIGLI [chuckles] I'll bet. Good one, sire. MAZURIN What is your news, mannikin? GIGLI Ah, yes. Um, can you come over here, maybe? CAEL I can... leave. GIGLI No! [urging] Master? MAZURIN Just spit it out. GIGLI [whispered] She's not the one. CAEL Not the one what? MAZURIN Not? What? GIGLI Arrying-may the ince-pray. CAEL Your goblin has lost its mind. MAZURIN Not marrying the prince? You're not marrying the prince? CAEL Me? Oh, gods no!! MAZURIN But he saw-- GIGLI Princess Cael is marrying him. CAEL Yeah. She's my cousin. It's all arranged for her eighteenth birthday. Hey, if they ask, can I tell them you'll turn him back to glass until then? MAZURIN Not you? CAEL No. [thankful and sarcastic] I'm not worthy of one such as him. Besides, he's years younger than me. MAZURIN Then you can marry anyone you want? CAEL Once I successfully complete my quest. That's kind of why I took it. MAZURIN [horrible anticipation] Did you - have someone in mind? CAEL [suddenly shy] No. Why? MAZURIN Nothing. Just-- GIGLI This is disgusting. Just kiss her. CAEL But there's a third test--? MAZURIN Oh, yes... GIGLI [eye roll] The third test was too see if you could listen to the wizard and not fall asleep - boom, you win. Kiss her. MAZURIN [excited] Can we do that? GIGLI The whole test thing was mostly because I was really, really bored. ...And tradition. CAEL We should hold off the kissing until I complete my quest. There's always the chance the prince will get lost in the forest on the way back. GIGLI Now there's an idea... MAZURIN Perhaps an escort would be helpful? Hmm? CAEL ...and a cart. Then he could sleep the entire trip! GIGLI Poor princess. CAEL She throws things. I think they're actually well matched. MAZURIN [giddy] Well, perhaps a toast? CAEL And then you can finish telling me about your research into the relationship between the angle of sunlight and the movements of pond slime. MAZURIN Only if you promise to complete that ballad you were writing and sing it for me on the trip. GIGLI [disgusted moan] END

Episode 12: Where Someone Has Gone Before

Saga of the Jewels

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 10, 2023 27:56

Previously on Saga of the Jewels…Seventeen year old Ryn's hometown is attacked by General Vorr of the Empire and everyone he has ever known is killed. Just before he dies, Ryn's father gives him a ruby, which causes him to project fire. Ryn is captured by the Empire and meets another captive, Princess Nuthea, who has the ability to project lightning. Nuthea explains to him that the Empire have learned of the existence of twelve Primeval Jewels which grant the ability to manipulate different elements, and are searching for them. The Imperial vessel where they are being held is in turn attacked by a pirate airship, and the pirates capture Ryn and Nuthea. The lead pirate, Captain Sagar, agrees to escort Nuthea back to her homeland, and to spare Ryn's life, in exchange for the promise of gold, gemstones and beautiful women upon her safe delivery. They land in the port city of Ast and recruit a new engineer called Elrann. Ast is then attacked by the Empire, who are using the Fire Ruby to invade the continent and search for more of the Jewels. Ryn, Nuthea, Sagar and Elrann flee the city of Ast together, but are then attacked by a bounty hunter, Vish. They manage to subdue the bounty hunter but Nuthea is gravely wounded in the process. Ryn beats Sagar to the hunter's mount and rushes Nuthea to the nearest town where he finds a healer, Cid, a mysterious old man who saves the princess's life with his arts and asks to join the traveling party, saying that he believes it is the purpose of ‘the One', the god that he and Nuthea each worship. Cid tells the party to meet him at the top of a hill after he goes back to the nearby town to pick up some supplies. They go to the hilltop to wait, but when Cid arrives back he is being pursued by an enormous dog-like monster and a troop of Imperial soldiers. The party runs away from the soldiers, but they catch up to Ryn and Vish, who now fights on the side of the party in exchange for Cid supplying his poppy-seed habit. In the battle, Ryn is stabbed through the chest…Episode 12: Where Someone Has Gone BeforeRyn's house was burning again.This time he was inside it. Hellish red leapt from the walls, licking the ceiling, belching black smoke. He reached out with his hands and tried to manipulate the flames with his new powers, willing them to recede.“Go back!”Nothing happened, except that his arms ached. His powers had deserted him. And now before him stood his mother, cowering, holding up her hands. The black-armoured, flame-haired Imperial officer Vorr standing in front of her with his huge sword drawn.His mother looked at him, chestnut eyes pleading.“Do something, Ryn!” she begged him. “Please, help me! This is all your fault!”“No!” Ryn whimpered. “I..I can't!”And then Vorr's sword went into her. It ran her right through the chest, making a slippery, slithery sound like a hissing snake. When it came out so did a gushing flow of red. He had seen this image so many times. But here he was, seeing it again.Ryn's mother hit the floor.“NO!”This time Ryn ran at Vorr.This time Ryn had a sword in his hand, which he swung at Vorr with all that remained of his feeble strength as he screamed with rage.The Imperial General batted away his strike easily with his own blade, laughing as he did so; a deep, mocking, mirthful laugh.“The boy from Cleasor!” Vorr laughed. “How did you manage to survive the crash? How did you even get here?”“You murdered my parents!” Ryn screamed back. “You destroyed my hometown!”“Did I?” Vorr laughed even harder. “Oh yes, I suppose I must have…” As those casual words echoed through Ryn's mind, Vorr's sword plunged through Ryn's chest just as it had through his mother's. The shock of it sliding through his flesh.It's all my fault. I should have saved her. It's my fault. I killed my mother.Did I? Oh yes, I suppose I must have…The scene shifted, and now Ryn was running through the burning buildings of Cleasor, his hometown, looking for someone, but he couldn't remember who. Damn the Imperials! They destroy everything… They burn everything… They gave me no warning. There's no joy in this world. I'll never be happy again. I'm going to die burned and broken and alone.A man lay on the grass in front of him; a tall, middle-aged man with red-grey hair and one of his legs missing, lying in a pool of his own lifeblood.“Dad!” Ryn cried. He ran to his father and knelt at his side, cradled his face with his hand.The flames leapt high all around them.“You're hurt...let me help you…” “No!” his father said, insistent though his voice was still weak. “Leave it, son… I am past help… I will be gone soon…”“I don't want you to die, Dad…”“Take it now.”“Take what?”“The ruby.”“I already did, Dad, but I lost it!”“That's right,” said his father. His voice was getting quieter, and harder to hear over the crackle of the flames; his eyes were glazing over. “You took it and you lost it. You're a failure, Ryn. You've failed. You lost us because you failed.”Hot tears ran down Ryn's cheeks. “No! I'm sorry! Please, Dad, give me another chance! Come back!”His father's eyes lost focus completely.“COME BACK!” Ryn yelled…...and resurfaced from the nightmare, sitting up violently and shouting.“Argggh--!” When he realised he had been dreaming he stopped shouting abruptly and took in a sharp breath. “Easy, lad!” An old man was holding him by the shoulders where he sat. The man had bushy white eyebrows and a white beard with the hair between his nose and mouth shaved off.“You've just had a brush with the void. Best if you take things slowly.”Beyond the old man's head was the face of a beautiful blonde woman in a tattered cream dress, her brow crinkled up in concern.“Are you alright, Ryn?” she asked. “We thought you had died.”Memory returned to Ryn, seeping into his mind along and mingling with the aftertaste of the nightmare.Cid released him and he took in another few gulps of air. They were still in the woods, it was cold, and it was getting dark. It must be early evening. “I guess it was your turn to be worried about me,” Ryn croaked to Nuthea when he had calmed down a little, surprised at his own boldness, but disappointed that it came out in a croak. “I'm fine now...I was just having a nightmare before I came to…...I remember… I remember being stabbed. What happened to me?”“I healed you,” said Cid.“I thought you had ridden on...” said Ryn. “I thought you had left me and Vish behind…” He looked around. The bodies of dead Imperial soldiers littered the forest floor. Sagar, Elrann and Vish were a little way away with thechocobos. Hearing that Ryn was awake, they wandered over and sat down on the grass. Nuthea joined them, and they all sat in a circle together.“Of course we wouldn't leave you and Shadowfinger Vish behind,” said Nuthea.“S'right,” said Sagar. “Soon as we realised that the Imperials had caught up to you and the scumsucker, I turned around immediately and led the charge to come back and rescue you.”“Actually,” said Elrann, “way I remember it, you did want to leave him behind. Princess-girl was the one who wanted to turn around. You took quite a lot of convincing.”“Whatever,” said Sagar.“Anyway,” went on Nuthea, “once we eventually got back you did fight very valiantly, Captain Sagar. Shadowfinger Vish here had succeeded in dispatching most of the soldiers, but even he couldn't cope with all of them at once--”At that, Vish made a disapproving noise inside his head covering. “Humph. Please. I had them all taken care of. I think I deserve some poppy for what I did.”“In time, in time…” said Cid. “I've told you, you need to space the hits out, or they'll diminish in intensity.”“If I don't get a hit soon everything will diminish in intensity.”“Hang on,” said Ryn, “you can't have done that good a job at fighting them ‘all' off because one of them stabbed me through the chest.”Vish went quiet at that, narrowing his eyes to slits as he looked at Ryn.“Yeah, that's right,” said Elrann. “When we got here you'd already been run through by that fat soldier.”Ryn thought to look down at his tunic for the first time. It had torn where the sword had gone through and blood stained it. But there was no wound on his chest. It ached awfully, yet there was no visible sign of the sword's piercing it. He couldn't even work out exactly where the blade had gone in.“He did...” Ryn said. “He ran me right through. Just like…” Mother. Father. Hometown. He swallowed. Every time he remembered them a jolt of pain went through his mind, even now. No wonder he dreamed about them every time he was unconscious. He hadn't had time to feel sad about them properly before he had been caught up in this crazy whirlwind adventure. An adventure on which he had just been stabbed through the chest. “How the hell am I still alive?” he asked of Mid in general.“Well, to be honest, we did think you were a goner, pup,” said Sagar. Was that disappointment in his voice? Disappointment that Ryn hadn't died? B*****d. “But then the old timer here got to you and worked his magic. I don't care what you say about your healing skills any more, old timer, that was magic and I know it was.”Ryn's eyes grew wide as he stared at Cid. The old man's face was solemn, his jaw set behind his white beard. He seemed tired, the crow's feet at the edges of his eyes more pronounced.“I was basically dead...” Ryn said to him. “How powerful are you?”“Yeah, come on,” said Sagar. “Spill the beans, old timer. Pup here was basically dead when you got to him. What did you do?”They sat and waited for Cid to speak.It took him a while, staring at the ground, but eventually he said “I brought you back to consciousness with a ‘Life' spell. I am Jewel-touched as well, like the three of you are.”“I knew it!” said Sagar triumphantly. “You have healing powers as well as healers' training! I knew all that stuff about ‘miracles' was garbage!” “It's still a miracle!” protested Nuthea at once. “The One can also work through the magic of the Jewels.” For some reason, she didn't seem all that surprised at the revelation that Cid was Jewel-touched.“Whatever,” said Sagar.“Indeed,” said Cid, “whatever we call it, I'm afraid this young man is right. I have healing abilities from my contact with the Light Diamond. I think of these as being miraculous too, Granddaughter, but it is also true that I received them from my contact with that Jewel.”“So you can bring people back from death?” said Ryn.“No,” said Cid.“Huh?” the rest of them all said together (except Vish).“Let me be very clear on this,” Cid went on. “The Life spell can resuscitate a person who is dying or who has been brought near death. If someone loses consciousness from injury, or is so injured that they are slipping away into death, I can bring them back. But once they have fully passed away into it, once they have died, I cannot bring them back. I cannot people back from the dead. Only the One could do that.”Sagar snorted. “Yeah, if ‘He' existed.”“Hold on, hold on,” said Elrann, motioning with her hand for the rest of them to listen, then massaging her forehead underneath her short purple hair. “Let me get this straight. What you're saying is that these magical jewel-thingamys--”“The Primeval Jewels,” interrupted Nuthea.Elrann blinked at her. “Right, yeah. What you're saying is that these magical primeval jewel-thingamys that we're trying to get princess-girl back to her homeland to tell her parents about can also give people healing powers, and that pops here has come into contact with one before, and that it's because of that that he was able to bring farmboy here back from near-death after he got stabbed by that fat Imperial soldier?”A pause.“Yes,” said Nuthea, Sagar, Ryn and Cid all at the same time.“You're all completely nuts…” mumbled Elrann, shaking her head and pinching her nose. “Ok--let's assume for a moment that I believe you: How did you ever get ya hands one one of these jewel-thingamys then, pops?”“Primeval Jewels,” Nuthea felt obliged to correct her again.They all looked at Cid. Even Vish stared at him intently.“Hey, I led a rich and full life before I settled down in Nonts…” Cid said defensively, shrugging his shoulders and holding out his hands in protest. “I did many things and went on many adventures. Is it so surprising that I would have come across one of the Primeval Jewels?”“You're right,” said Nuthea, “it's not. And followers of the One are all the more likely to come across such things. It must have been your destiny.”“No, I'm not buying this,” said Sagar, shaking his head. “This is chocobo-poodoo. Tell us how you really came by it, old timer. I'm not traveling around with someone who has elemental manipulation powers when I don't know where he got them from.”“Hey,” said Elrann, “you have elemental manipulation powers and we don't know where you got them from!”“I inherited a fragment of the Wind Shell from my father, alright!” said Sagar heatedly. At the same time, he took out a necklace from inside his shirt and showed them the shard of translucent shell that its silver chain ran through.Elrann's eyes stretched. “Oh my,” said Nuthea.Ryn wasn't so surprised--he had come to suspect something like this might be behind Sagar's powers. Cid's face was unmoved too.“And the princess here has her powers,” Sagar continued, putting the necklace back down his shirt, “‘cause she's from the royal family of Magnolia.” “Manolia,” said Nuthea.“Whatever. And pup has them because the Fire Ruby was hidden in his village for years without him knowing or some poodoo like that, yadda yadda yadda. And as far as we know the woman and the scumsucker don't have elemental powers, but if we find out later they'll do I'm sure they'll tell us how they got them. So...what's your deal, old timer?”The group fell silent, waiting for another answer from Cid, who for a moment only stroked the side of his beard and scrunched up his face.Ryn chewed the side of his mouth. On the one hand, he could perhaps believe Cid and Nuthea that Cid had just stumbled upon one of the Jewels somewhere, and even that it was made more likely because it was his ‘destiny' from this ‘One' god, the ‘God of gods'. On the other hand, what Sagar was saying made an awful lot more sense. Once again Ryn found that while he would prefer to believe what Nuthea and Cid were saying, what Sagar was saying seemed more likely. These Jewels didn't seem like the sort of objects that you just chanced upon, or that ‘destiny' brought you to. They seemed like the sort of things that you had to know about, and go looking for, in order to find. After all, there had been one hidden right under Ryn's nose for apparently as long as he had been alive, and he hadn't found out about it till recently. And now he had lost it to someone who had been looking for it… Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr.“Come on, Cid,” Ryn said, choosing to lend his support to Sagar. “Even if you did just chance upon the Light Diamond somewhere, we want to know how it happened. The true version of how it happened.”At length, Cid sighed. “I suppose it was foolish of me to think that I could keep this from you for long. The One must have purposed for me to tell you through this turn of events.”“Sure He did,” said Sagar, “or maybe you just discovered you couldn't keep lying to us for very long.”“Sagar!” objected Nuthea. “Don't be so rude to Grandfather!”“That's what he was doing, princess. Call it what you like, but that's what it was. We know that now. Come on, old timer, out with it.”“Well, if you must know,” said Cid, his eyes not looking at any of them but off into the vague distance of memory, “I was once the healer in an adventuring party that set out to find all of the Primeval Jewels long ago. And with some of them, we succeeded.”“What?!” said everyone else (including Vish).“It's true. We stole the Light Diamond from a Citadel in Erm. I was already trained as a healer, so since the Crystal grants manipulation of the element of life, I was chosen to be its bearer.”“Do you still have it?” said Ryn.“In this case...no.”“Why not?”“Er, I put it back.”“WHAT?!” said everyone.”“Why would you do that?” said Sagar.“That will require some further explanation--”“What happened to the other adventurers in your party?” butted in Ryn. He had begun to wonder about certain things. Cid closed his eyes. “That I am not ready to tell you about yet.”They died, then, Ryn surmised. And he couldn't bring them back from death. Because he can't do that. Because no one can do that.Cid opened his eyes. “But what I am saying to you is true.”“How did you find out about the Jewels in the first place?” Nuthea jumped in. Clearly everyone had their own question they wanted to ask. “In Manolia the knowledge of the Jewels is a closely-guarded secret…”“That's the least interesting part of the story,” said Cid. He glanced at Sagar for a moment. Why did he do that? thought Ryn. “It really doesn't matter. What matters is why we went after them. Once we found out about their existence, we decided it would be terrible if the Jewels ever fell into the wrong hands. So we set out to find them ourselves, to keep them safe, should anyone with malicious intentions or ambitions ever learn of them. And as I say, we succeeded in finding some of them.”“How many did you find, then?” asked Elrann.“Four,” said Cid.“Which ones?” asked Nuthea.Ryn answered for him. He had begun to work things out. “The Light Diamond, the Lightning Crystal, the Wind Shell, and the Fire Ruby.”Cid nodded. “Correct.”“You knew my father,” Ryn realised. And he probably knew Sagar's too.“Yes.”“He was part of the adventuring party. Along with others.”“What happened to you? Why did you abandon searching for the Jewels?”Cid swallowed. His next words came out with some difficulty, and he kept pausing as he said them, like he was holding back tears. “When we went after the fifth jewel, two...two of our number were killed. That was when we realised the folly of what we were doing. It turned out we had only got to the Jewels that were relatively easy to find--the ones that were nearby, and not so well guarded. The others were going to be much harder. So we decided to return or hide the ones we had found. They really were safer in their original hiding places all along, anyway.”Ryn had never heard of any of this. He knew that his father had had a life before he had met his mother and settled in Cleasor, that he had been a traveler himself and worked in a variety of professions, but he had never heard about any of this. Perhaps with good reason, he saw, but he still couldn't help from feeling betrayed. Mother. Father. Hometown.“But now,” Cid went on, “now that a malicious power has learned of the existence of the Jewels, and one with enough strength perhaps to take them for himself, now those who guard and keep them must be warned.”“What are you saying, Grandfather?” asked Nuthea.“What I'm saying is that I must help you to get to Manolia as soon as possible in order to warn your people of what the Emperor has learned as soon as possible. I owe at least that much to the memory of your grandmother.”“What?” said Nuthea, forgetting her usual polite terms of address. “You knew grandmother Effi?”“No,” said Cid. “I knew your other grandmother.”“Lissa?”“That's right.”“How?”“She was a part of our adventuring party too. Quite a firecracker. She was the one to find the Lightning Crystal, deep in an underground dungeon.”“But my mother taught me that the Lightning Crystal has been in our family for generations!”“Nope. Well, I suppose three generations is still ‘generations'. Lissa found it. Maybe it used to belong to the Manolians before, but if it did, they lost it, and Lissa found it again.”Nuthea's face looked like she had just eaten something that disagreed with her. She seemed horrified at the idea that her parents might have taught her anything that was factually incorrect, unintentionally or not.“Grandmother Lissa… She always was very peculiar… And she always did seem to want to encourage me to break the rules and go out on adventures… In fact, it's probably her fault that I… Never mind. I can barely believe it,” she finished, running out of steam. What had she been about to say?“I don't believe it,” said Sagar. “This is getting completely ridiculous. The old timer is clearly making all of this up.” “If he's making it up,” said Nuthea, “how did he know the name of my grandmother? I've never said it or told it to you any of this time.”“I...er…” for once Sagar ran out of steam for a moment too. “I suppose you might be right there. But this is ridiculous. Next you'll be telling me that my father was part of your little ‘adventuring party' too.”Here we go... Cid looked at him, and smiled.“You have got to be poodooing me.”“Captain Figaro was an invaluable member of our party. He was the one to find the--”“--Wind Shell,” said Ryn. He had seen where that was going easily enough.“But my…” said Sagar. “I always thought my father was a famous plundering skypirate…”“He was, for most of his career. But when he ran into our party who were also going after the Wind Shell, and beat us to it, we managed to convince him to come with us to try to find the other Jewels.”“My father would never have done that.”“Well, he did.”“If you're not lying, that is.”“I have no reason to lie.”“Look,” said Ryn, whatever happened in the past, this is getting pretty weird.” His doubt about ‘destiny' was starting to erode. “Four of us now who have been thrown together are all ‘Jewel-touched', or whatever you call it, Nuthea.”“Yes,” said Cid, “the Jewels have a way of doing that.”“Doing what?”“Bringing together those who have been touched by them. It is the purpose of the One at work, seeking to find a group of people who will serve him by gathering the Jewels together to protect the world from evil. It's no coincidence either that I knew three of your parents, or ancestors at least.”“Rrrr.” Sagar looked about to explode. “Enough of this already!” he yelled, going red in the face, little flecks of spittle flying from his mouth. “I've had enough of all this Oneist garbage! It's not purpose, or destiny, or whatever that we've all come together! The Empire are going after the Jewels. That's how the pup and the princess ended up in the same place--because they came from places that have Jewels, so the Empire captured them. Then I attacked the ship they were on because being Jewel-touched I'm the only pirate crazy enough to go after an Imperial warship. Then we got grounded and the princess got hurt and… and… we made for the nearest healer, who was obviously well known for being a healer because he's Jewel-touched too…”Even Sagar did not sound so convinced any more.Ryn, Nuthea and Cid all looked at Elrann and Vish, who were standing next to each other.“Don't look at me,” said Elrann, a hand on her hip. “I don't have any crazy jewel powers. Least not that I'm aware of.”“Nor me,” said Vish, scowling at them from behind his face covering. “If I had powers of elemental projection I would have used them to kill you all and hand you over to the Empire for poppy seed by now.”“But you will gain elemental powers,” said Cid. “You both will. I am sure of it. If the One's purpose is done, both of you will become Jewel-touched, even Jewel-bearers, before the journey of this group is done.” Jewel-bearers… thought Ryn. Like my Dad must have been. Wait a second... “Hang on,” he said, “how did the Empire know that we had the Fire Ruby?” That was something he had wondered many times, but he had not thought to voice the question until now.“That I cannot tell you,” said Cid. “Ornos did not reveal his secret ownership of the Fire Ruby to anyone else, as far as I know. The only people who knew about him having it were the members of our party. But when we parted ways, we didn't even tell each other where we were going or where we planned on settling or hiding our Jewels. Even that was deemed too dangerous, in case someone got captured and tortured for the information.”The Empire were going to torture me, Ryn realised.“Never mind that now,” said Sagar. He had become interested in something else. “Old timer, are you telling me you think we're all going to end up with Jewel-powers?”“If this party is successful in its quest, yes. Look: Four of us have them already. We've been brought together by the One's Purpose. It's as though He is writing a story, and we are characters inside it. We may have free choice, but He is guiding us in towards the outcome He desires.”Sagar went quiet again, and tapped his mouth in thought. Even he now seemed to be contemplating the possibility that they had all been brought together by something more than dumb, blind luck.It seemed a little more convincing to Ryn too, now that they had discovered another of their group was Jewel-touched. But why would this ‘One' add Elrann and Vish to their traveling group as well? Unless they really were going to find more Jewels and develop elemental projection powers of their own like Cid predicted… And it was still bugging him: How had the Emperor learned of the location of the Fire Ruby in his hometown if none of Cid's original adventuring party had told him about it. Or maybe they--Nuthea interrupted his train of thought. “Look, fellows.” Fellows? Who talks like that? “I agree with Grandfather here that the One must have brought as all together for a Purpose, but whatever that Purpose turns out to be, we still need to get to Manolia as soon as possible to warn my people of the Emperor's knowledge and plans. If I don't warn them in time, more of the Jewels could fall into the Emperor's hands, which would be catastrophic for the whole of Mid, let alone Manolia. That was what we were doing before this revelation that Grandfather is Jewel-touched too. And now that thanks to him Ryn is awake and back to good health, we need to be on our way again. Are you all still coming with us to Sirra, Grandfather?”“Of course I'm coming with you, Granddaughter,” said Cid. “It is the Will of the One.”“What about the rest of you?”“I'm coming with you too,” said Vish. “So long as the old man eventually gives me some more poppy seed and can keep supplying me with it.”“In time, in time”, said Cid. “I told you, you need to wait a little longer or the hit won't be as strong.” “I'm happy to keep tagging along with ya,” said Elrann. “I've got nothing better to do, since Imfis has been invaded by the Empire. And if I'm going to develop elemental projection powers by staying with you guys, I think I'll stick around.” It wasn't clear to Ryn whether or not that last sentence was a joke.“Captain Sagar?” said Nuthea.“You know I'm coming. I'm escorting you. Rewards. Gold. Precious gems. Beautiful women. We've been over this.”They all looked at Ryn.“What?” said Ryn. Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Kill Vorr. Stay with Nuthea? “General Vorr was heading towards Sirra. If there's a chance that I'm going to find him there, then I'm still coming with you. “And nearly dying isn't going to stop me.” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit sagaofthejewels.substack.com

Dennis and Tom Go Full Scrooge-Mode On Technology

The Kennedy-Mighell Report

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 2, 2022 40:25

This year, instead of spreading Christmas Cheer, the guys offer a resounding “Bah, humbug!” to all the tech stuff that irks them. So, tech giants, listen up – don't mess with Dennis's defaults; make your operating systems smart enough listen to Tom's every need; quit with the ads, already; make bluetooth actually work… bleh; etc., etc., and etc. Humph. Later, after an apparent visit from some Christmas Spirits, the guys' hearts grow three sizes and they're ready to talk about tech products they're excited about this gift-giving season. So, Happy Holidays, after all! As always, stay tuned for the parting shots, that one tip, website, or observation that you can use the second the podcast ends. Have a technology question for Dennis and Tom? Call their Tech Question Hotline at 720-441-6820 for the answers to your most burning tech questions. Mentioned in This Episode: A Segment: Bah, Humbug to All the Annoying Tech Stuff in the World Today B Segment: Gifts We'd Like to Give (or get) Ember Mug Schlage Smart Lock Elgato Facecam Pro Insta360Link Elgato Wave Microphone Logitech Brio Webcam Helix Geometry Template Echo Show AirPods Pro Calendly Parting Shots: Zoom Spots and other new features

technology happy holidays scrooge bah humbug christmas cheer christmas spirits humph

Dennis and Tom Go Full Scrooge-Mode On Technology

Legal Talk Network - Law News and Legal Topics

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 2, 2022 40:25

This year, instead of spreading Christmas Cheer, the guys offer a resounding “Bah, humbug!” to all the tech stuff that irks them. So, tech giants, listen up – don't mess with Dennis's defaults; make your operating systems smart enough listen to Tom's every need; quit with the ads, already; make bluetooth actually work… bleh; etc., etc., and etc. Humph. Later, after an apparent visit from some Christmas Spirits, the guys' hearts grow three sizes and they're ready to talk about tech products they're excited about this gift-giving season. So, Happy Holidays, after all! As always, stay tuned for the parting shots, that one tip, website, or observation that you can use the second the podcast ends. Have a technology question for Dennis and Tom? Call their Tech Question Hotline at 720-441-6820 for the answers to your most burning tech questions. Mentioned in This Episode: A Segment: Bah, Humbug to All the Annoying Tech Stuff in the World Today B Segment: Gifts We'd Like to Give (or get) Ember Mug Schlage Smart Lock Elgato Facecam Pro Insta360Link Elgato Wave Microphone Logitech Brio Webcam Helix Geometry Template Echo Show AirPods Pro Calendly Parting Shots: Zoom Spots and other new features

technology happy holidays scrooge bah humbug christmas cheer christmas spirits humph

My Name Is Whiskers: My Terrible Daddy

BabyBus Kids’ Stories: Bedtime Stories

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 28, 2022

My name is Whiskers, and I'm an unhappy baby mouse. Humph! That's because I have the worst dad in the world. Every day, my dad tells me in a very mean voice, “You can't do that, Whiskers!” Subscribe to the podcast and share it to your friends to enjoy more free episodes together. We're also looking forward to your valuable reviews ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐. Suggestions are welcomed at babybusaudio-en@babybus.com!

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Rock the Mom Vote

freemom, conversations for modern mothers

Play Episode Play 50 sec Highlight Listen Later Nov 16, 2022 35:19

I'm going to be really upfront here and tell you that I was never interested in politics until I became a mom. I'm embarrassed about it now but honestly, I found it all to be super boring. Mostly white, male candidates never spoke my language and it wasn't until Barack Obama came on the scene that I even bothered to vote. Shameful, yes, but true. Now that I have little people, I have become a whole heck of a lot more invested in what happens in this country, especially when it comes to healthcare, environmental protection, and women's and family issues. I started thinking about why so many political candidates are white males and why so many issues that are important to me as a mother - paid parental leave, universal preschool, safety in schools - never seem to make it “up the hill”. As I started looking into it, I found out that prior to this past election, 7 percent of representatives in Congress and only 5.3 percent of state legislators in the United States are mothers with children under the age of 18. What's being celebrated in the media is Congress's “unprecedented” diversity with 28% of the makeup being women and 23% identifying as non-white - the most in history. Humph.So, are we doing something wrong here or are the increases in numbers actually encouraging? How can we help more women and mothers get into the political spectrum so we have a fighting chance at actually getting what we need for our families? Let's find out.My guest today is Liuba Grechen Shirley, Founder and CEO of Vote Mama. Liuba ran for Congress in 2018 as a mom of two toddlers with no salary to pay for childcare. She quickly figured out why moms with young children don't run for office and started the fight to change it. Liuba became the first woman in history to receive federal approval to spend Campaign Funds for childcare and she received the highest vote share of any Democrat to run against the incumbent in 25 years. After her campaign, she launched Vote Mama PAC, the nation's first Political Action Committee dedicated to electing Democratic moms up and down the ballot. Since 2019, Vote Mama PAC has helped more than 400 pro-choice, Democratic moms run for office in 31 states. In 2020, Liuba launched the Vote Mama Foundation to break down the barriers that keep moms out of office and make it easier for moms to run and serve. Just recently, Liuba launched the Vote Mama Lobby, a political empowerment app that mobilizes fed-up moms to become an organized civic and voting bloc, volunteer for mama candidates, and lobby for truly family-friendly policies. It just so happens to be the virtual mom group of my dreams. From mental health and managing relationships to raising changemakers and advocating for support, freemom is a podcast dedicated to ensuring that every mom feels heard. You can find us on the gram at @freemomcast orFrom mental health and managing relationships to raising changemakers and advocating for support, freemom is a podcast dedicated to ensuring that every mom feels heard. You can find us on the gram at @freemomcast or on the web at www.freemomcast.com. You can also support the show and help fund production with a sweet little five-dollar donation right here. Thanks for listening!

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Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover

We Played Outside

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 10, 2022 18:11

Athletes, Social Media, Dateline! Y'all have all seen someone that surprised you and made you feel like "Humph, I didn't see that coming!" That's what we're talking about in this episode. Sit back and listen to Tree and TJ and maybe it will make you think twice before you react. Also the staff at We Played Outside wants to give a quick shout out to Ralph Jordan who is a MMA fighter we met. If you follow MMA fighting, check him out on Instagram at @RalphJordan727. We're watching you Ralph!!

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My "Perfect" Brother Is Not So Perfect

Story Time Animated

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 3, 2022 12:17

"Professor McGuire said that if I ace his last test I would be at the top of the class for this semester," Derrick, my older brother, mentioned before shovelling food into his mouth.I looked over at my brother with a critical eye. His left eye always had a slight twitch whenever he was lying. I wondered what he was hiding from Mom and Dad.Suddenly, someone knocked on the door."Keisha, are you expecting someone?" Mom looked at me over her glasses, "You know I don't like it when company disturbs dinner."I rolled my eyes, "I'm not expecting anyone, Mom." "Sorry, Mom, it's me," Derrick wiped his mouth and stood up. "Craig had to drop off some papers for me that Professor McGuire needs." "Humph," Mom nodded and Derrick went to answer the door.A few minutes later, Derrick returned. "So, what type of papers did Craig need to drop off at this hour?" I smirked in Derrick's direction. "Nothing that concerns a high school student," Derrick responded, annoyed."We'll see about that," I mumbled as I gulped down the last of my juice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Episode 79 - The Faculty

100 Things we learned from film

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 18, 2022 69:10 Transcription Available

This week we're back in School and being Student Body Snatchers with The Faculty. Learning about the worst College Football team names, loads of behind the scenes and alternate Casting as well as what a piece of dirt Harry Knowles was and we assume still is. Should you want to see anunedited videocast of this week's episode you can join us on the Patreon for just a quid at https://www.patreon.com/100thingsfilm full episode Auto transcription: Hey, guys, are the sure? We're looking at harness usher, Stuart Jansen, Patrick, hi, heartnet Edward. We're looking at years the faculty. Hello everyone, and welcome to another action packed episode of a hundred things we learned from film. I'm one of your host my name's plenty and I'm a body snatcher. Oh and I'm John. I'm the JOCK. You absolutely are, quarterback prick. Very well, very well indeed. I was gonna say it's gorgeous outside, pishing it down raining just now and it's still red. Well, I would have had my taps off, but for the very first time we are recording in video for our patrons. So if you fans, only fans, only pals, more like. So, if you want to see John's beautiful new kitchen behind him, potentially some Colin Robinson later on, as he likes to jump in, and my big fat face, you can get involved by giving us a quid a month. It is not going to be a permanent thing, but we're going to throw it up completely unedited, so you get to hear what a fucking pigs here. John just waits of the of the preamble. Anyway. It is what it is, John What what was happening that year? Well, Lord, just what was happening that year, and I'll tell you what. As that, you can't addit, any of it out. When it's the video, patrons are getting all this. Yeah, be fair. I think we've done nine. Hit Me, but I'll go to it again. Oh God, lords of crackers, the Truman show, and that's good. I know you love it. You love it, roaring, Robert, Robert, you maybe need to watch it again. Sort of a plane I wasn't on board with. I just didn't don't like it. Snake eyes, where you're Nicholas? All right, yeah, very good. For List Cage. You don't know. A few of them didn't. The city avengers, biggest pointless fellow I've ever seen in life. Nick Nicholas Cage, the Crow, the crow, five patch Adams, oh Jesus, yeah, because because cancer can be cured with laughter. Exactly, exactly, and you know this. You know this. And Fallen, which is about a weird one. I remember watching this way Denzel, and it's about a sort of mother that sort of goes between bodies. Nope, you have that's absolutely lost on that one night. John Goodman is good crack. John Goodman. Yeah, court John Goodman and of them. That's what that's you. I'll meet John Black, Claire Flanni, though, true, and you get to see Brad Peck getting run over, don't you? Yeahie Hopkins, Athone Hopkins, round the horn. Anyway, by the bye, I saw this in ninety nine, so that's got a release in I want to say, February ninety nine in Australia. To cinema in Australia see this and had a great time. I think I might have seen this as part of a double bill with the First Guy, Ritchie film lock stock, is part of a double bill, and with lock stock, which is pretty good double bill. Anyway. You know, listeners, you don't want to hear about through the miss of time with an old hey everyone, an old man's talking should be the alternate name for this podcast. Anyway, right with the podcast that tries to an hundred things. John's got a list of things, I've got a list of things. I'm going to talk us through the film. John's gonna add some funny bits and we're gonna go from there. Happy to go, Big Fella, I'm happy brilliant stuff. Okay, so we start with Mirrormax and dimension films. Now, we did to mension films before, didn't we? So we're not gonna do it again. But I've certainly can tell you a little bit about mirrormax films. Their first film was good year, called Rock Show, Paul McCartney and Wings Concert Film. Jesus, who are Mirrormax Youn? Only the distributor paramount could have been right. Now this year Mirrormax, and this blew me away, have got a fletch film coming out. Remember fletch ship? Yeah, but it's John Hamm. I mean I loved John Hamm. Jesus, he makes some ship decisions. to WHO's standing for fletching? Two, like there's surely nobody going. Do you know what film I really liked? Fletch lives. I dug him wrong. I loved him, but I can you recreate that? Can? You wouldn't have thought so, mate. You wouldn't have thought anything for money. We open with this really angry coach, that always brilliant Robert Patrick, and again he's in on this and he he knows what a kind of film he's in. He screaming, scimming Blue Eyes. Yeah, absolutely, he doesn't look much older here and we're what six years on, seven years on from judge mcday? Yeah, absolutely screaming at his team and stand his quarterback and it's proper heart attack behavior, this, isn't it? Yeah, did you catch the song in the background? Oh God, no, I was. It was the next but I was blew me. Was Really, really annoyed it the next. The song was the kids aren't all right by the offspring from that American album which I've got CD somewhere behind. Meeting in the car tomorrow and I got CD player again. I'M gonna throw it in the car. It September one. It's high was eleventh in the US and the UK, Sixty nine in Australia, nice and forty three in Belgium's alter a pub, fifty wiland there. I don't know what then that is. It went gold in the UK, Platinum in Italy and the USAF. So we did alright. It's done, all right. They were they were big, weren't they? They were really big at that point. I went to see them, I want to say in two thousand, a couple of days after my birthday, so like the next year. Um, and there were great, fantastic and it's Colin Robinson. Fella. Um Again, listeners, if you want to see Colin Robinson walking all over the laptop, my notes, yeah, then you're gonna need to making techniques. Yeah, yeah, so they were. They were huge chill children at the time and a great zone. Yeah, there were a green deal of time. Yeah, yeah, arguably better anyway. So what's the what? What's the next song? That that got you going? As soon as I heard the REF coming in, I'm like what they're doing? I see right, yeah, we'll come to that. Yeah, we will come to that. Yeah, that fucked with me. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he's approached by this unseen character. He's like, what do you want? And we fade out. That night there's a meeting of staff. There's no money for Ms Brummel. Miss Brummels just about million years old, the Blair which, no money for her computers, no money for Mr Take's trip to NYC. Now, Mr Take, the actor that played Mr Tate, we have seen in a number of things, but on this podcast he was the opposing COP chief two, Brian Cox's COP chief. Yeah, yeah, Johnny chimpo brilliant in this as well. And again. I know I mentioned every time the bad guy in masters of illusion. Oh God, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot about that. Actually, yeah, that's who's WHO's the WHO's the good guy? WHO's the good magician in that? Scott Bacula, is it? Is it a master of illusion? I'm making that. Yeah, as long as it's no masters universe. That's no, that's a very but the bad guy, that's skeletor it's friend. Yeah, anyway. Um, and they can't get this money. He wants stay to New York and Mrs Olsen wants to do a mute Zical, but there's no money, because I'm sure the football team will get get their kit. Yeah, and she's like they will get whatever town. You've seen what it's like on a Friday night here. Principal Drake, maybe new with by the way, you know who she is. Big Fan of cheers Lilith. Yeah, brilliant, Foxy Ist. fucking this, by the way. Yeah, appeal, complained and no, does it for me, mate, does it? Does it for me? Your Scotty, she's got to do it for you and she's my hands are tied. So No, guys and dolls. Use last year's set from our town. Now a couple of things. Guys and dolls. It was a nineteen fifty Broadway show by Frank Losser. It won the Tony that year and got a film version in nineteen in Frank soon after Marlon Brando and Gene Simmons, not the sticking out yeah, sticking out face makeup love gun one. Obviously, the famous song that we all know from it, of course, is guys and dolls were just a bunch of crazy guys and dolls. It's not. It's an episode of the Simpsons, but you get the idea. Just the joke here is, by the way, using the set from our town. Our town famously doesn't have a set, and kind of budge the joke, you know. Yeah, I liked that. I liked it. Yeah, it's good, isn't it? Yeah, and there's a lot of kind of there's a lot of funny little bits in this. I think this is probably going to be quite a long episode because I think we both love this, didn't we? Yeah, I think it's aged brilliantly well, except for some of the CG which will come to they're leaving. She says she's forgot her keys and she needs to go back into the darkened school because all the lights are off and you can't put lights back on. Apparently. Oh yeah, that's that's a rule. Yeah, she figured she she goes into her office, gets the keys and coach Willis Robert Patrick's there. He won't let it leave without a pencil. It's like, you look really pretty and I really want to borrow a pencil. Yeah, okay, and do you know what, here's your pencil. Why don't you and your pens are going to sleep it off. And what does he do? Text through her hand. Plunges it right through her hand. I looked this up. Good, I'm glad you did, because, well, just to see if I was looking at and since we're people, put pencils through hands. The only thing I can find recently, because there was an an eight year old in California's hospitalized after a billy stabbed a pencil through his knee. She that's that's just the idea of broken knees and ship is no good. I would not be a good mob enforce I couldn't find any. What all I found was bloody assholes doing magic tricks on Youtube, and I stand by this. It's not magic if you could edit a video. Yeah, to Piss off. Yeah, you need to see it in the flash if you did bud upon but what I thought was, and again for the video, this works like there's bones there, there's like there's a is there a? Yeah, yeah, there's Ale. Yeah, all right, fucking Jesus God. Yeah, alright, in the hands and fenails. And it's a good effect though, this putty hand. I liked it. She needs him in the plums and runs for it. Finds the door chained. Where is the door? The doors chained out of nowhere, and you kind of like, I don't know how's that happened, and we can kind of guess in a moment or two. She knocks coach the ground and escapes the set of scissors once again, finds that she's keyless. She's fucking useless. She makes it out and locks coaching, losing the scissors. Ms Olsen picks them up and stabs at the death of them. Is fucking slow motion. What's wrong with the face thing, Pretty Graham? Yeah, now this massive long opening scene. You had an issue with the music. Yes, what's the crack? I just there's bad enough for we're trying to get pink floyd to put music on streaming media and stuff like that. They can. They completely take a cracking song like breaking the wall and just ref it and just and get other people to sing. Don't they like it? Leave it alone. It's a perfect piece of music. Yet, Hey, class of ninety nine, leave that song along, that song on your class of night in night. John. I'm looking at it because I didn't write it down. So what's the point? Short term, American alternate rock Super Group, Super Group bunny ears, inverted commas right, consisting of members of notable rock bands. Okay, and there's a couple of notable rock bands here and some ship Lane Staley of Alice in change, I don't know, Tom Morrello, raged against some machine. You know him, Stephen Perkins, Anthony to his mates from Jay's addiction, Martin Lynn, noble novel, from the Novel Porno for Pyros, I don't know, and Matt Serlick, from one of Rachel's favorite bands, matchbox twenty. Water load of fucking bollocks they are. And that is it. They got together for that, just giving rap. Yeah, and in fact it's so good, such a good song, John. I'm gonnaice to get some facts about it. Another brick and all. Part two is the one that we know of the three parts, written as a protest song against corporate punishment, which was out ard in state schools in the UK, nine six and private schools in which explains so much of what is wrong with our current government. Yeah, it was number one in deep breath, Australia, Canada, Finland, France, Germany, Ireland, Israel, New Zealand, Norway, Portugals said it again, Sweden, Switzerland, UK, USA, and sold four million copies worldwide. Not Too Shabby. That's that's physical copies. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, would have all been physical copies, but none of this streaming bollocks here. Mate. So it was three part of composition by Pink Floyd from nineties, seventy nine, and it was classed as a rock opera. Yeah, I love that. Have you? Have you seen another brick in the what have you seen? Is it another brick in the world the film? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, horrifying stuff. It really was going to back in the day. I love that. Scary, scary Shite. A little bit of background on this school, by the way. Harrington high not real. Herrington as a town also not real. Filmed in western Lockhart, Texas, which is known as the barbecue capital of Texas, which I assume that's the next town along from Cowboyville and ship larger county. Probably definitely come at me, Texans, because you wear those healed boots, don't you either, Go Ching, Ching Ching everywhere you walk, sports pose, Tottingham Hotspurs. Yeah, but I like the fact that it's not a real place. Yep, right, this bit we go through here with with the kids. You kind of meet them all and you get their names, which is brilliant if you're doing a podcast about this, because he gets it right down who they are. Number one is Zeke Josh Hartnett and written in his Mustang, and I'm fucking wrong. I know it's not a Mustang. Now I've written it down, but nice one, pacy, I mean Casey Elijah. Would he gets rammed at this post ball's first Danny. Yeah, it's kind of like Shit. That is pretty nasty. testical trauma is a great name for a band. Is when testicles are hurt by force, the cover gets torn or shattered and blood can leak into the scrotum until it becomes tense, which can lead to infection. God, just don't keep seeing it. Stop saying testical trauma. This Delilah, my least favorite character this whole yes, yes, Georgana bet brewster, right, good looking lassie, which is on about these stay Lorder lips take seventy two hours to apply. Could not find anything state Lawder Lips, by the way. However, I did find out State Lawder was found in New York City by the woman of the same name. She was the only female to feature in the twenty most influential business geniuses of the twentieth century, as published by Time magazine. What. Yeah, so everybody else? That's amazing. Probably trump was in that. I assumed so. And she she was a sister. In the fast few days, didn't she state Lauder fucking else, she did Jordans in front of all my bowels. Of all you're paying friends, and that's the thing, John, nothing about paying. But you know she was the sister because, as we noticed, all about firmly ward, firmly, this leaders a Zi family and respect. Get my pub stand is the quarterback that we saw before and Delilah's boyfriend. Yeah, stokely clear devalt go, kind of bit bit goth kids. You know, like really low budget out of the fact of the craft. Yes, yeah, I always forget her name and listeners are screaming boys in water boys. She isn't water boy. Yeah, and that Nicholas Cage Um port of call, you know, the Fred Lieutenant bad lieutenant potkole rotten, absolute piece of ship, that film. Anyway. Elijah Wood was the first person, apparently, to cross Niagara Falls by rope as part of an adrenaline challenge. Went. Don't ask. Josh Hartnett turned down the following rolls. whoever. This kid's brilliant spider man, Super Man and Batman. Do you know what he didn't turn down, though? A film about a haircutting competition in Keith Lee, West Yorkshire. I think it's called blow dry or blow job or something. Seriously, yeah, Alan Rickman's Dad Jesus because, yeah, yeah, when we do a Yorkshire Month we'll do that. Cleared about is named after the last volume in author Lawrence de Moles, the Alexandria Quartet novels. I don't know what they are. I didn't look into them, I was busy looking at the other books. Jordana Brewster, the faculty was the first film yet know what facts, but sorry, mate. Yeah, we've got to get that, we've got to get right. And then there's this new kid, Mary Beth something, something, something's got about seven hundred names and she yeah, yeah, God, and a new kid. I've got a clue. KLEX Klan Sense Zeke, selling fake ID of the brother from that seventies show. Yeah, yeah, I was. I was looking up by misdemeanors or possession of fake ideas in America, Da up to one year's jail term, summary Probation, community service and or money toor finds up to you a thousand dollars. They'll put you in prison for fucking out, won't they? Because it's a business loving, loving. I smoked cigarettes and then everything, just sitting there smoking, just getting it on. So I'll double checked this as well, because I was unsure to this. Remember that you used to be able to smoke around about hospitals, and then he stopped all that. Yes, apparently it was the same in schools. Adults could smoke in around schools and then my support portion of the districts prohibited it from the short of phased out from sixte Al Right. Well, it was the same sort of idea, because I was. I was always wondered that. I was like, I don't actually they smoke rear schools, but apparently not. You could. You could smoke in our school staff room when I was a kid. I think it's just must be the American ones, because it just comes. So you can't smoke. You text many guns in as you want. Yeah, yeah, you have to, you can. Need to protect us over the smokers. I'm gonna Kill Cancer, I'm gonna Kill Cancer, I'm going to shoot it in the fucking face. And basically all the kids in the background are absolute pricks, all fighting, arguing, these lasses, crashing the car. And we learned that Zeke is selling this stuff. He's throwing in this drug, isn't he? Inside? Yeah, Scat, he calls it, which makes anything else any other name other than like ship. Yeah, go on, anything else. But they were in Blue Biros. In fact, I'm waving at the screen now, a green one and a black one, blue one big crystal, which I'm using to keep track of. The hanks introduced nine and in two thousand and six they sold their hundred billion. One Jesus crazy that the best selling pen in the world and the Manhattan Museum of Modern Art has made it a permanent fixture because this fuck all else going on. And I guess there are six types of point with eighteen coors. There you go. And, as I say, Black Green, I think that might be. That's a purple one. It's not a blue one anyway. But using all my wife's good pens, kicking off right in the faculty room, there's this teacher, Harry Ah and you we're gonna me all the teachers as we go on, all the faculty, and I'll kind of cover them when we cover them, but Harry was one that I was particularly interesting. Did you recognize this guy? Is that? Is that the guy with the Gender Big Fat Guy? Yeah, so it was. I felt it was a film critic when he well, yeah, kind of. Yeah, Harry Knowles, he's called. So he was. He was in the Austin Film Critic Association and you go and kicked it for sexual harassment and correct. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, AIn'tick. Cool news was his website and yeah, he got he got kicked out for assault, sexually assaulting Jasmine Baker in two thousand at the Alamo drafthouse in Austin. Apparently he was also very easily bought by studios for reviews around about the timing of this. So I can't help thinking he might have been given this role, not speaking role, for that to bump up. Yeah, absolutely, if I don't think you needed it, and it's a lot of fun. Yeah, it was. Then a couple of things and it was like he's an alien in Phantom menace as well. Apparently, apparently he's talking the nurse. The nurse is sick, Salmahayak war. Yeah, I love the way you looked into the living room there and make sure Kirsty wasn't hearing you talk about Salmahayak. So, yeah, the she says because she's full of full of cold, and if you're sick, why don't you take take a day off? It's just I'm saving all my sick days for when I feel better. We've all been there. That's a good show. So she's trying to quiet. She's doing a ship job. Sick days. John, would you believe in America, in the in in jobs and work in America, the average for an American worker in the private sector is seven six days a year, just seven, which is astonishing. It starts in the first year at seven and it builds up, which is astonishing, astonishing, astonishing, and the reason that is so astonishing is I get I get six months paid, six months unpaid, and I've only been in my job. When you're going to use all that tomorrow. So all that, we kind of meet all these staff, I like the science teacher who's basically trying to chat up sell Ma hi, ex nurse, isn't it? And then he's a line is. Well, I might as well put a penny in my eye, which is this brilliant kind of foreshadowing of what's going to happen to again. Oh, he was John John Stewart of the whatever the American things called that. I don't think I'll watch a lot of we didn't really get it over it, did we? No, did you? Did you catching the NEMES character? Yes, but it's later on. Go for it, and I was asking. All right, yes, yes, I did. Yes, so he is. She's a nurse, Harper, you put me on the spot here, Lad Edward. All right, Edward, Edward Furlong, Edward like that, Edward Furlong. Yeah, that Edward for a long who's been clean for four years, by the way. That's enough factor throwing. But I just read Edward for long has been has been clean for the last four years. Okay, result, yeah, exactly, but jild actor going wrong, and that's actor actor inverted. Commas so, Ms Olsen comes in looking less dowdy. Her and coach are drinking all the water in the class. We've got MS Burke, Fam Ka Jansen. We only we only looked at two weeks ago and she's very different in this, isn't she nervous? Dowdy, nobody, confident. No, talking about Robinson crusoe and she said what was crusoe most afraid of? And he says callous is she said, well, no, it was the isolation. Robinson crusoe is obviously everybody's favorite dilute injuice book by Daniel don't call me Willem Dafoe from sevent and a castaway that spends twenty eight years on a remote island without a volleyball called Wilson. Well, that means cry at least seventeen for that ball. He's rude, he's a smart ass. They claim that. You know, Stan tells Delilah that that he's quitting the team and she's worried he's throwing away his chance at a scholarship. But also she's more worried that she's head cheerleader. He's the quarterback and them's the rules. You can't break, break the rules of high school. DICKHEAD. Yeah, he's a load of things as well, that boy. He's been in launce. I didn't recognize him out of a thing it was. I'm sure he was in a wheezer video. Al Right, okay, well, what him and Fonzie? A little respect? I'm sure it was that. A little respect, all right, okay, Alright, oh, he's maybe it's maybe, maybe he's in that, that loser film. You know that they did spurt bag for maybe that with the guy that fucked the pie and the lassie that got the rose petals on the tits, Dana Kroyd. Thanks to Joshin Amanda Wilson for in forming me that the FBS, who are the governing body of schools colleges, allows eighty five scholarships each year for sports. Sorry, for football it's not many, not many, so thanks very much for that. That's how I would have got my education. Yeah, yeah, but we don't need no education. Mr Take Daniel von Bergen. As we said, super troopers really boring history lesson drinking boost from this Cup, isn't he? Yeah, and stand Correctis as you want to be. On chapter five, Mary Beth approaches Stokes Lee at break. She's Reading Double Star by Robert Heinlan. Robert Heinland was a sci Fi writer. He wrote starship troopers. Previous episode won four Hugo Awards for double stance, starship troopers, stranger in strange land, which is the only one of his I've read, and the moon is a harsh mistress, and then I get that one by the rest or just Martin is reel. Okay. Delilah comes along and basically says don't, don't hang around with stokes lead because she's wearing different shades of black and calls her a violent lesbian, so which stokes stokes storms off. Basically she's a piece of ship. She goes from being a piece of ship to being a piece of ship to then not being a character. Yes, you're pointless, absolutely pointless. Casey's eating lunch alone on the bleachers and finds this insect pod's approached by the coach Um and he says, have you ever considered trying out? He says I don't think a person should run unless he's being chastede. It's a great line. And then there is for shadowing. He's not happy about running. He doesn't think anyone should run, but he's quite happy to walk to fucking more door. He really has it. Walks at pistol, he walks at Pacy, I mean Casey. He does like Harold from neighbors in the science class. Casey approaches Mr Edward Furlong with the pod. Well Stokes, he tells Mary, but she's not gay. She just doesn't like people and that's her way of keeping because in apparently people didn't want to anger out anybody. This pod look like fucking Cocuna out of pokemon. What's going on there? Furlong suggests it could be a new species. And then they spill a bit of water on it and it comes back to life. Put it in this aquarium and it grows these tendrils. Done it and as he's about to kind of put his finger and it reproduces and when he gets his finger near it, this massive teeth, like C G I teeth, didn't look great and bit him at the pool. STANTELL's coaches quitting. A coach who has gone from basically up fucking here. At the start of the movie he's just like well, you know, you're just gonna do what you're gonna do. I can't I can't do anything about that. You're telling me this the day before, you know, this the day of my daughter's wedding. And Yeah, he just basically lets him get on with it and stand saves Casey from usher in the locker room. Yeah, exactly. I mean I think he's maybe in a couple of other films as as she got like twenty kids or something. I'm sure that's the thing I heard once. I didn't do any looking into rusher. I've done all my looking into everybody else, but yeah, I'm sure I think you've got about twenty kids. Jesus here must be he was ushered. He goes into he heads into the shower. I noticed he'd got some soap on a rope. It's kind of kind of it. I haven't seen soap in the rope for ages still widely available, but in two thousand and nine the Catholic Church stopped companies selling soap on a rope or, as it was known, as pope on a rope, because Holy Father only wants his facing under age genitals. I mean might not be true. Are you liking these Catholic Church jokes? Listeners for you? Are we getting canceled? Yeah, we might be. When he's in the shower, here comes Mrs Brummel with like a Meltie face, a face like one of the aliens out of they live, and she's just going they want everyone. I can't breathe, I can't breathe. And he grabs her like, hugs her, and scalp comes away in his hand just it slops all the folio. Fantastic. Olsen explains she has cancer, because cancer makes your scalp come away from your head. And at Zeke's car he's selling this vhs of Nev Campbell and Jennifer Love Hewittt fully frontal naked. Now, of course, me being me, I had to have a little bit of a look to find out what that could be. The only thing Nev Campbell and Jennifer love Hewett have been in together. It's part of five. No Fall Front. No Fall Front, only party of five. Certainly not in the first two series I watched there wasn't. He didn't feel front of Nive Campbell. And was it world things? No, Denise Richards. You got to see her. She did for them to everybody was getting to see that. Absolutely money well spent. Ye, Delilah and Casey are in the Faculty Lounge Looking for Goss for the school paper. He says you could be a cool human when you're not being a grade a bitch. Okay, and she's like are you hitting on me? Not, everyone's fucking hitting on your doll, Olsen and the coach. They come back. Casey and Delilah locked themselves in the cupboard. Brummel died because she was too old. Almost the full faculty have now been commuted. I just thought it's so good. Here's nurse Harper. She's still sick, so we know that something wrong with her. They grab her, knock at the ground and spit this bug into her. He was like in the cupboard. The kids find brummels corps and then burst out. Not Robert Patrick and this stunt double. It was blatantly Robert Patrick. Then up to the ground and this old lady stunt double up to the ground. They're running away. Casey slips over and Delilah keeps on running because obviously she's she can be pretty cool when she's not being a grade a coward. So that night the cops, case and his parents are looking for the body. Now, did you spot this nineties power suit the dad was where? Casey's Dad was wearing shoulder pads like him? Okay, I think I think he thought he was in swingers. I think he thought he was in swing but no, deditly not. They go in with the cops and they find resuscitation Annie in the closet, this thing that I've never had to use because I don't think we ever did this at school. Don't know if you do. I think we did it in first in but yeah, never, never in school. Yeah, resuscitation Annie, developed by Norwegian toymaker Asmund lateral and Peter Safer. Good, yeah, and absolutely freaky looking fucking thing. They explain that that they also hurt the nurse and said no, we didn't. She's epileptic and she suffers from Grand Maus. Grand Maus are seizures the last only a matter of minutes but can be so severe they cause a victim to harm themselves during today they're known as tonic clonic seizures, which I think sounds like something you clean your asshole out with. I know it as an im a, actually stealing off me. What about cleaning your asshole out as well? Okay, the parents take him home after drake has taken this cop into the office and he comes out like subtly changed a hunt of a wink, as if, yeah, Alien Wink. They get him home. They said no phone, no int ripping out this physical mode. Yeah, musical music. So it is getting blast and she's got the porno under the bed, the Hump, the phone, Humph, and it was boobs magazine, not a real magazine, but just got a lot of Ms Bok A. You. Yeah, but then he's got a print, and then he's got to retaining print. Yeah, I never seen that, my laef. No, I had no idea. And then for some reason he does something and he's got this walking like what was that about? Like this walking Meccanno animal thing didn't make any sense. And then he jumps out the window. He spots the faculty as and then slips off this fucking Verandam thing and his dad calls him in, but the faculty aren't there. You know, his dad was still holding NIMBIMBS, was he? Yeah, he was. Then we see the kind of the blind coming down and it's the outline of one of the teachers, isn't it one of the faculty? or so they're going to get mom and dad the next day as they drop him off, as dad drops him off at school, Dad and culture talking, Delilah Grabs Casey. She's got glasses on and her hair tied up. Yeah, and commit a call. Exactly who she's hardly Martin landow in, that mission, impossible TV show, and he's again a reference for fucking nobody. that. Yeah, we know. Sunday morning, sixties TV in the faculty lines. are going through all this water and not drinking coffee anymore and your man's off the booze. Maybe that's what I maybe that's I've stopped drinking booze because I'm an alien. I will be doing a lot more fucking better stuff with my time than this fucking you know you've been probing left, Rinde, center. Stan tells stokes that he's quit. The team explains that he got an a on biology instead of a d because of his winning arm, because he had a good arm. Stokes, he's been watching him, following, following him, and he says I want to be a D student. I deserve that D I love the D is not quite what he says. Mr Take says he wants to live in history of the family. UH, stands like, is this going to be on the test? And it's just this line of this isn't the test. Brilliant, fantastic character. There's a cure. Kids waiting for Ers here exam in a class and the police are helping. So it's all starting to look a little bit shady. Now zeke spots that there's a couple who were scrapping previously. The LAD's chill to fuck. She's like shouting at him, screaming at him. Do you know how his lad was? I remember his face and like I know that guy was in their scream movies. Hang what was a parody of it, a scary movie. Get a movie. He was a boyfriend in the first one that shot her. What these two boys are back for some scat. They want all he's got and he gives them a load, but they keep asking. They're blating the aliens. Yeah, have you got any more in your car? Have you got any more at home? So he keeps put some in his pocket. Ms Burke's now dressed like she's going to a fucking cocktail party right. She plays three characters in this. She played he's the Mousey one. She plays shouty, Screamy, fucking nutty teacher here as the alien. She calls him a diculous excuse for a little boy and storms off. Yep Um when he tries to offer a chocolate flavored laxatives, which is the last thing I need, and some Cherry Johnny's. Yeah, magnums, weren't he there were. Yeah, so I'll look this up because I thought Magnum was to do with the size it, but no, it's it's I think that Americans think Magnum's apparently the size, but it's the same lengths and standards. circumferences are normal journey. So I don't really understand why either go or is that magnums, because it's pretty much the same size as standard johnny bags. I tend to always put magnums on my p I. Robert Homden. Yeah, if you wanted John You could indeed by twenty more Cherry Johnny's five pounds. THIRD FROM CONDOM OUTLET DOT COM. How do we know there are more cherries? May I am not buying Johnny from Condom Outlet Dot Com. Nope. Casey explains to Stokes Lee what's going on and she said it sounds like pod people from the body snatches. Body snatches are rip off from the Puppet Masters, from Robert Heinlein. Which one is your body snatchers film, John Leland? Okay, yeah, I think that was the scariest. The dog with the person's face was just freaking yeah, yeah, yeah, just the end, the fact that it's kind of like fuck, yeah, yeah, he just points at her. screeture noises horrific, don't I mean, I'm sure I will watch it again at some point, but I saw that probably as a teenager, scared the shit that. I prefer the fifties one. Yeah, where at the end he looks in the he looks in the wagon and it's these prop pods. I love that and that's that's so cute. Writer. Today standards, it was, even though it was the subject was quite horrephic. It was quite quite felt quite hormly in the it. This, this bit ripped my fucking knitting. By the way, Casey explains he thinks film directors are aliens setting us up for a proper invasion. Spielberg's Et and son and felds get shorty, I'm sorry, I mean men in black, and I'm kind of like yeah, okay, I get it. That Robert Rodriguez. He's kind of going, I'm a director, I'm talking about film directors. Give me a fucking dump truck full of cash to make more of these. No, don't totally tot when he was seen, the whole gang head to science class to see the creature is now gone. Casey explains his theory on Aliens. Zeke and Mary Beth head to this the labs oars, which is the next room across which is where he gets his stuff for SCAT, and they're about to snug to garbagees medication, which I know that song very, very well. Off Two point oh to the garbage album of the same year. It's not a single. I thought it was number one in the UK and Iceland album but nowhere else. That's a great album. It's their teacher comes in and yeah, John Stewart comes in, but not before Zeke's come in trying to make a tweat of himself, pretending like or whatever. They've heard, and Casey explains that you think that that the that they're aliens. He attacks them Zeke's rips off this fucking this blade yellow teen things, slices off his fingers, which looks great for a second and then you see the fingers crawling across the floor. Ray Harry housings crying, and then they smash him in the eye with the with the I've written, shot penning shot nail, which basically melts his face. Yes, and again it's back to what he says. I might as well stick a penny in my eye or yeah, it was coming. This is a bit of Stokes, he said. Isn't this a bit where someone says, let's get out here and stand, let's get out of here. Casey grabs the weak Acuna thing and they had for the car. Everyone's acting calm and weird and scary as they kind of head out. Yeah, they get out of dodge in the car. There's nothing on the radio and like a police roadblock, isn't there? That they speed away from. was just leading shimming show. It was a little bit like show white beetle. They get to his place. He's got an apothecary in the garage like something he's turning fucking leading a gold or something, an episode of friends. He's rich and a prick and he's been grinding up caffeine pills for I took a lot of pro plus in college. I think everybody did. Forward when it we're coffee, just for that extra kick, that's right. Yeah, just because you've done a full out of college and you're going out that night. Yeah, there isn't any touch things is an energies just wasn't red from you. If you were lucky, you got Lucas aid sport, because it's ISOTONIC. We find out that he owns a gun, which is basically Chekhov's gun maybe, and he cuts a bit off the pod and puts it in with Oscar, that wait mace. It takes over the poor thing and he wrings its neck. He could to play three blind maze, lay down and wait again, which is monthy python reference for nobody. He cuts it open to find that it's a dried out the little mouse, and he empties a penn of scat onto this rest in this pod that melts like salt on a slug. stokesly explains you've got to get the master and that will free everyone else, because school kids are fucking geniuses. Yes, they're basically figuring out that the alien people are emotionless, the puppets. It's a puppet master. They argue amongst one another. Any one of them could be an alien. Zeke solution is for them to snort a Byro. So there's obviously homost the other thing, yes, one like that scene. It's not a homage. It's fucking robbed, robbed off this thing, isn't it? Yeah, I went to school with and I do put by rows up his nose. He lays tarmac for a living now, so really just old it. Casey takes it and starts giggling, because caffeine bills do that. Oh No, it's great cackle. As little radio flyer stand grabs the gun and threatened Zeke, who takes it and stand does the same stokes. He says I'm not putting up that on my nose. Zeke says aliens are taking over. Weigh it up. It's quite a good lie actually. Delilah and Marybeth in the last two, and they won't do it. Mary Beth claims to BE ALLERGIC TO ASPIRIN. There's no aspirin in that. She does it, tips her head back and snorts. Delilah doesn't, and we get to see her with all these crawley things which look good. Casey grabs the gun but won't shoot her. stokesly does missus, and Delilah basically smashes up this drugloud throwing herself about. She's forgotten out to walk, and then she jumps in the waiting school learning car being driven by Mr Tate. What's going on? It's like as if there have been the speaking teachers. Hi've mimed, of course. So they head back to the school, which is Friday Night Lights. It's huge crowd at the game, with the Fart Rock version of another brick in the walls. Back as far as the team goes, they're called the Hornets. A spot. They were called the Hornets. There's only one or Charlotte Hornets. Charlotte Hornets, yeah, yeah, that's good to basketball. Hornets are the largest of the wasps and massive fucking assholes. The Asian giant Hornet stings cause thirty to fifty deaths annually in Japan. Would, yeah, would you believe it? And of course all American football teams have got stupid names. So, John, with that in mind, I want you to tell me if the next seven ones that I mentioned are a football team or a ship ball team? All right, football team if it's real, shipball team if it's not. Didn't really figure out the title, so you know whatever. Number one, the Minnesota Golfers. A. The Minnesota Golfers. Oh, it's a team. A. Number two, the Maryland terrapins, not sty. So it's a real football team. Yes, correct, it's a real football team. Number three, the Chicago outfits. Shut correct, it's not real. I made that one up. Number four, the wake forest demon deacons, real fucking writers, one of their shirts. Number five, the Kingston Cong's. Oh God, not made. That's a good name. Get out getting glace. Get that team made. Number six, the Martha's vineyard seamen. You're right, Rad number seven, the South Carolina Game Cocks. It is. Yeah, the job about. And so when this is going on it's funnish to where you're talking about Hornets. I've I've picked up a wee think about bees, because we're saying killed the queen and everybody go back to normal. So I just for some reason looked out to queen bees and seeing what would happened to be killed a queen. Okay, so that's what I got. So, unfortunately, queenless Corny cannot survive or for a sustained paid and absolutely queen bee effects of behavior working the worker bees. They's become aggressive. Worker bees may continue to lay eggs, but because there's no queeny finalizing, they're all drones instead of workers. All Right, knew that, you scientists, obviously, but that's that sounds pretty cool, man. Well, look, no, cool, don't. Don't kill Queen Bees. Don't, don't. You don't kill any bees place. All through the game the team are putting bugs in the ears of the other team and the tackle. It's good. This better, like Robert Patrick's doing. Amazing facial word, brilliant and yeah, yeah, fantastic stuff, like Henry clearing the water boy whenever. Yeah, in the gym. Principal Drake's here, by the way, Principal Drake, that the first person approached me. Principal Drake, did you see? This was Gillian Anderson. Oh, good, yes, yeah, yeah, again, would have been a great choice. Yeah, I think they tire up because they're certain that she's the she's the queen in this badminton net. She needs to snort the thing that she's not going to do it. So she woke some Zeke shoots are between the eyes. Yeah, just that. Nowhere. BLAMO as cases about to stab her. She comes back to life and Mary Beth throws the whole case of spun. Yes, yes, I'm melting, melting world. What the world? Good affection? There's a lot of it Israel. Where was you? Throw? Well, why? Now he knows. He's seen the end of the film. Games over in the town's heading home. Stand heads out to get the coach because there's certain now it's going to be him. Stokes. He grabs, grabs him and snugs him before he goes because she doesn't want him to die. Having not done that. Outside in the rain, coaching, the players have got their mouths open, tendrils out to the rain. Looks Great. It's like a lightning strike and you see like the alien behind yeah, and that still looks amazing. It's a really good gift as well, so I'll have to do that when I'm posting about it. Stands back at the door. They throw him a Biro wonder and he empties it away. It's beautiful. There's no pain, no fear. Se Open the door. Zeke threatens him through the door with a gun. Mum, he explains that he's got Schumer left in his car on the land and that's the stuff out of sky. Rim stiff. They head out him and Casey threw through the lot full of school busses. I was going, look at all those school busses, loads school busses there. We haven't seen a school bus in something for ages and ages and ages. By the way, remember we used to see loads of loads of them in films and it's been a while since. Yeah, yeah, I think the last probably we've seen it was in a trip. Yeah, I think so. Bigger score bus manufacturer in the US is the R E V group. They earned two point four billion revenue per year. It's astonishing. It's amazing. You can, you can, fucking you can get a contract doing anything in America. Really can. Oh, I missed this, but you can reattach fingers a maximum twelve hours after they have been slashed off. Throw that in UM cases. The Decoy was a coach and the team, because he can run, that's and he gets caught on the bus wagons by Delilah and as the team start coming through the windows, he escapes out through this. Not only can he run, but he can also fucking jump. You can jump. I thought I was watching again. I thought home coming, as Zeke said, his car and he grabs the shaiser or whatever we're calling it. Miss what's her face? Comes back now, Ms Burke, and again she's still dressed in this gear and everything. Um, she said, I don't want Cherry condoms, but I do want something cherry flavored, and you're like wow, and I think they've kind of got around this by explaining earlier on in a throwaway comment, that he's had to stay back a year, like eighteen or nineteen. Makes Sense. He jumps in the car and she jumps in the back and as he peels away she's trying to worm his ear. He throws his seatbelt on and rams this bus. She is flying out the window. Now what doesn't happen when you fly out a window, John? You don't lose your hand, you don't get get capapitated. You don't get copapitated. That's right. Yeah, but she does. And another rep off of the thing. Very much so. Yeah, and it looks like fucking garbage because they don't have her talking or anything. They just have this. They don't even have her looking at him. The photograph of her face, isn't it? Photograph of the face going along, not even moving eyes, and just as she kind of finds the rest of the body, he's like, fuck this, I am out here. It was obviously that unimpressed with the effect. Exactly in the gym, Mary Beth and Stokes, they are talking in I know you're proud of being the outsider, but aren't you tired of being something you're not? I know I am. And then she gets all wavy arms and sucking licorice whips, because it turns out she's the massive squids. It turns out this huge fucking squid thing. She chases stokes Lee and the just arrived Casey into the pool. And she jumps into this pool and she's she's sacking super swimmer, like old Phelps, isn't she? The Queen Drags stokes the under the water, but Casey throws a rope and saves her. In the Locker Room, Z comes in, stokes. He calls out to him, but Mary Beth also calls out to him as Human Mary Beth, naked with the Nipples, naked with, yeah, with Photoshop Nipples, out answer me this. Why are you naked? It's q good he takes stokes as his side, but it turns out stokes he's got squid snogs it does. He locks her in this equipment cage. Casey's made to take some more of the fucking Skank by Zeke, who then gets thrown across the locker room and knocked out. Mary best calling after Casey, explaining her world was endless oceans till it dried up and she escaped. She wanted to make her very much like home, part of the same one feeling. One Mass Mary Beth becomes a true form and chases him into the gym. Now I love this because he sets this bleacher to retract and a great strategy and then nearly gets fucking caught himself. But it just so happens that he's a really strong athletic nerdy, so he kind of runs out just as it gets caught U he stabs her in the eye and she spits jazz written Jizz Tadpoles here in his face, which is who practical effics. YEA, they fall out. As she dies. He heads over at stokely she's alive, with some dead ones next to her, and we got one last jump scare. Zeke smashes on the batting cage. Do we really need that? Do we really need it? One month later? One month later, and just just because we're doing fucking show not tell. So we do tell, not show. In this we've got news reporter going. It's a month or since the and give you away. Zeke's on the team. Uh, and fucking we miss fucking Burke's watching from the bleach. Did he lay up that factual quickly? Yeah, what the fuck? And he's said and he gets put out that cigarette and get back on the team like that is surely that would surely get you fucking kids. Yeah, these reporters are doing a new story. Stokesle and scatter and stand a winching. It turns out Casey and Delilah a thing as well. And he is Time magazine Man of the year. I think. Sure have changed, haven't they? No, no, no, no, no, no, it's a bad old wasts song and nw to do. Yeah, man, time, man of the year night in ninety nine, John Jeff Bezos. What for? Taking Daddy's money? Probably, yeah, bad year. Yeah, bad indeed. What else have you got? That's that? Let's say that your neck and main left branch center. I was deleting them left her Queen B thing at the India. Oh, I'm sorry, mate, we need to get a bit better at this night at least. No, it's nous. Were just doing a thing. The facts are a harsh mistress. Oh No, I've got one thing, John, I've got one thing. Hang on, hang on, the car. Oh, yes, so you did. We both of the car. Sure as H Nineteen Seventy pointy act here, nice sexy machine and absolutely astonished. John, you didn't have the gun. I think we've covered a gun. It's not like you do not have the good one. We have, but it's a cult detective special. Yes, but there, there it is. I'm putting it on there, and it's only because I remember seeing that gun. So smashing Um Asian giant Hornet. We have done sick days. We've done replicating a numbals, snakes, sharks and commode or dragons have been known to birth without aid from males. Bacteria and cells are the only things that can replicate. No bother. No, there was horseplay written on the shower wall. No, horseplay. Horseplay is defined as rough, boisterous play. Horses rough and boisterous. I don't get that. No, that's a weird one. A couple of facts from the back of the making of the film, released Christmas Day night in the US, grossed forty point three million domestic and sixty three million worldwide, from a budget of just fifteen. Mel Zeke is the only character not to get infected throughout the film. Oh Yeah, Tommy Hill figure provided clothing for the film in exchange for the cast to feature in an advert. That's a good one. Well, they're all good ones, aren't they? If you don't know them. We've got outtown. We've got Jillian Anderson. Oh, the tattooed girl, Mary Beth Askeworth, the office is, is Robert Rodriguez Sister, Jessica Alba, was considered for Delilah, but she was too good an actor. I added that last bit. Sherylyn Fenn was Rodriguez first choice to play burke in a while. Yeah, and that is usher's dew film. Right. There you go that that ushered him into star in other films. How do you think we got on Gordo? Oh, little bit higher, seventy six. Yeah, bad, because we always as I was going through my facts in my head and like he's got this, he's got this he's got this. So, yeah, we doubled up a lot, didn't we? To be honest, that has a good farming. A lot of the things you back up on. You really do holding on because there's a lot of specific things that you see. So that's that's what I think. You Pack Up, won't you be fair? Absolutely, absolutely. Oh, we have got a lot of patrons to thank. Again this week we've got new ones as well. Newest Patron Ian mccomish, all around Nice Guy and long term pal. Thanks you. Rachel plant. You know her. It's her birthday today as this goes live. Happy Birthday plenty. Fifty again. How many years has that been that you've been saying you're fifty? I am going to get bad for that. That's fine. Nigel Davis is the owner of wonder emporium. He does accessories for tabletop and mini games. Get Him on facebook by searching for wondering porium and buy a lot of his ship. Dan Belson. He's the red half of the B there with Belson podcast, and Gavin Belson is the blue half of the B there with Belson podcast. Aaron, Aaron from Z what? Yeah, don't kill the Queen Bee h I wonder which one of those two is. The Queen Lads. You tell US Aaron from the Z one podcast. It's an audio drama about love, life, the undead and hamsters. You can keep that, by the way. I wrote that for today. Joe Higgins, Christ we know him hallmark of greatness. Weird thing about that damnit Vince podcast. He's back on here in September for an episode. Phil fairish friend and first ever patron, picks me up on loads and stuff that we miss, but then he does pay for the luxury. I'm not sure what his excuse was the past eighteen months, but you know, hey, punk from what the funk do you want? You know him currently shouting at guests on the Monday. He's also doing this semi regular chat about Elden Ring with filthy, which I'm enjoying. has made me want to try elden ring. I like a bit of ringsting. We've got SAS. Thanks for you continued listens and support. Mono and Kira from Mono rants the boys podcast. They've got season three summary Episode, which is live now that that series has finished. Amazing crack those two. We've got biggie, comedy genius and fake scale. Sir Stigg, film reviewer, extraordinary, and next week's guest, by the way, gadget, who's a God, Tier D and d dungeon master, and there from modern escapism podcast, and do dragons deem of Scotch Sheep, which is a hears God to yeah, yes, stick is a lot of fun to build him up now so it can come crashing them. Ian From court connections PODCAST, three different media linked by one common thread. Fantastic idea for a podcast, done really well by a nice guy. He won't like me saying that. Gavin McGill, long term support of the POD, long suffering Falkirk Fan, and, of course, Josh Wilson, lovely man, terrible impressions with a great family podcast. Super knows a lot bit wetter than Miami. He does moment. It's just we didn't ask him. Ah. So next week we will be back with stigg from modern escapism and the dragon's dream of scorch sheep, talking about Oh spade, why did you leave Farley with the Queen Bees? Talking about Tommy boy? Yeah, I haven't seen this in ages and stigss what to do it again. I hope it's not shocking. I hope it's not really really bad, stig, because that would be bad crap. John. Final words, mate, guys, patrons, pen peen, guests, thank you for all your cash. Money is it's going to be a good homes and production value stuff, and thanks for everybody ever for the listening, thanks for supporting again, and thanks for your votes. Have you voted for us? So? Oh yeah, in the podcast awards? Yeah, hopefully will have. Will have won least votes for a podcast. That's a dream. That's that's all we can hope for. Yeah, fantastic. For those that are not patrons and we're not able to watch, you just miss me windmilling my knob above my head. Did all that. So give us a quid and see me windmilling my very small, thin penis above my head from there. Not Really, but you will get to see all of this nonsense. So until next week. He's been, John, I've been plenty and we have been seventy six things we learned from the faculty. See, yeah, see you, guys. --- The Faculty is a 1998 American science fiction horror film directed by Robert Rodriguez and written by Kevin Williamson. It stars Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Laura Harris, Josh Hartnett, Shawn Hatosy, Famke Janssen, Piper Laurie, Bebe Neuwirth, Robert Patrick, Usher Raymond, Jon Stewart, and Elijah Wood. The film was theatrically released on December 25, 1998, by Miramax Films through Dimension Films. It grossed $63.2 million and has developed a cult following since its release.

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"I don't care what you do to them... Just be good to me..."

Her Intuition Movement Podcast

Play Episode Listen Later Jun 28, 2022 10:31

"Just be good to me" the fabulous song says by the S.O.S band. "I don't care what you do to them" Humph, really? Let's chat about that... Yolanda Randolph Presents: Steamy Summer Nights: Thot Chronicles New Read Release: June 2022 --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/yolanda-randolph/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/yolanda-randolph/support

care humph

19 Nocturne Boulevard - HOT GINGER BREAD - (Reissue of the Week)

19 Nocturne Boulevard

Play Episode Listen Later May 26, 2022 37:57

Set in the same world as B&B Investigations, but some 30 years later. So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch. CAN YOU DIG IT? ****************************************** Cast List Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fleet - Chris Stockett Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen Juniper - Chris Stockett Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts Goose Gander - Mark Olson TV News - Suzanne Dunn Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson Woodcutter - Justin Cop 1 - Graciespoppy Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts Trainer - Graciespoppy Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck Bartender - James Keeley Woman1 - Sara Falconer Woman2 - Angela Kirby Stumpy - Brody Walker Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson Music by Footage Firm, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an alley, can't you tell?" ********************************* Hot Ginger Bread Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Woodcutter, the stoolie Cop1 and cop2 Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear Goose Gander, affirmative action detective B.O. Wulf, other tough cop Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel Fleet, Ginger's head man Senator Rapunzel Mysterious stranger Shallott, internal affairs TV News Trainer Other gingerbread men Maitre d' Bartender (frog) Woman1 Woman2 Juniper Fell Rumplestiltskin ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS? OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What do you mean, what kind of a place is it? Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell? 1_OPENING TAG MUSIC - FUNK!!!!! SOUND RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC. POLICE WHISTLES COP1 [distant] Stop! Police! WOODCUTTER Nuh-uh! SOUND GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH WOODCUTTER [triumphant] Oh yeah! SOUND FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN WOODCUTTER [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz. SOUND GUN COCKS COP2 [snide] What was that? WOODCUTTER Oh... uh... [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent? 2_GRETAL MUSIC SCENE WIPE [gym] SOUND PUNCHING BAG WULF Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew? GRETAL [exerting] Nah, Wulf. Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle. WULF [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass. GRETAL 'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap. Needed to cool down a bit first. SOUND PUNCHING STOPS GRETAL Hear you gotta new partner. What happened to Canute? You guys were joined at the badge. WULF [grumpy] New inefficiency program. Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet. Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car. GRETAL Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield. [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future. WULF [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla. You cooled yet? GRETAL Nah, a few more-- TRAINER [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal? GRETAL [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done. WULF Good luck. And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes. GRETAL Words to live by. 3_HANSEL MUSIC SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE] CAPTAIN [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute. [back to phone] I specifically said 3:00 and it's now-- SOUND RAP ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN Never mind. SOUND HANGS UP PHONE CAPTAIN [grumpy] Get in here, Gretal! SOUND DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER CAPTAIN Shut the door. SOUND DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY GRETAL What did I do this time? If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs. They all did. Ask anyone. CAPTAIN No, it's -- GRETAL Oh, I got it. The fish is talking again? CAPTAIN NO! Sit down and listen! GRETAL Right. SOUND CHAIR CAPTAIN [suspicious] What was this about a fish? GRETAL [too quick] Nothing. CAPTAIN Then never mind... for the moment. I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry. You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts? GRETAL Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner. CAPTAIN Not yet. GRETAL I work better on my - what? CAPTAIN New directive, straight from the Keep. Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. GRETAL You know no one can keep up with me! I have the highest manacle rating in homicide! Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family. CAPTAIN Your record does speak for itself. GRETAL Frankly, the goat was tougher. CAPTAIN But with the recent corruption issues-- GRETAL [horrified] Captain! You can't think I'm dirty! I even play fair with pattycakes. CAPTAIN Fair, yes. But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms. Too many cops without adequate oversight. GRETAL Oversight? I'll show you oversight! CAPTAIN And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop. GRETAL Damn straight! CAPTAIN Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss. GRETAL I--! [beat] Fine. CAPTAIN Good. Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer-- GRETAL Thor? CAPTAIN [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick. So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice. Which means you do as you're told. GRETAL How long? CAPTAIN Til "they're" done. Whenever that may be. GRETAL [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf? At least we see eye-to-eye on-- CAPTAIN "Necessary force"? Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP". GRETAL Crimes against Pattycakes? Seriously? [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme? VIC [gentle cough] Don't worry. I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone. GRETAL [whirling, annoyed] What the--? [to captain] You never said--! CAPTAIN And you never gave me a chance. Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel. VIC It's a... pleasure. GRETAL [ignoring him] You're not transferring me? Please tell me we're not-- CAPTAIN You're not going to be CAP, no. GRETAL [to Vic] Hah. Looks like you traded up. CAPTAIN You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice. GRETAL Oh, hell no. 4_WITCH MUSIC WIPE [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC] SOUND PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP GINGER Yes? STRANGER [disguised mechanized voice] Woodcutter is turning woodlark. GINGER The hell you say. STRANGER The guard has him under wraps. Not even booked yet. GINGER Narco? STRANGER No. They have not been informed. GINGER How did you find all this out? STRANGER A Little pixie told me. Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me? GINGER Very good. You'll have it by the end of the week. SOUND HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM FLEET [deep voice] Yeah, boss? GINGER Fire up the ovens, Fleet. Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men. 5_BAR MUSIC CUT TO BAR T.V. NEWS In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land. WULF Turn it off. GRETAL Nah, leave it. Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did. T.V. NEWS Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony. WULF That sucks. GRETAL [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life. They shouldn't take this crap out on him. WULF He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he? GRETAL Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs. BARTENDER [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs? GRETAL [dismissive noise] T.V. NEWS The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months. VIC A lot could happen in two months. GRETAL [completely startled] Oh crap! Where the gilliken did you come from? VIC I've been here for a while. [to B.O.] Hi! WULF Uh, hi. VIC Introduce us? GRETAL Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel. Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf. We just call him B.O. VIC Gotcha. T.V. NEWS Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings... WULF [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too? We could play a hand of poker. Start a bowling league? T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice. GRETAL [resigned sigh] No. VIC Sorry. Didn't realize I was intruding. But we -um- just got a call. T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could. GRETAL [to bartender] One more! BARTENDER [croaky] Coming right up. SOUND SPLASH VIC Should you--? GRETAL Definitely. T.V. RAPUNZEL [old woman] And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog. Now I am ashamed. Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window. 6_ASSIGNMENT SOUND RESTAURANT MAITRE D' [french and very sneery] Two? You? VIC Inspectors. Checking fire escapes. Just passing through. MAITRE D' Oui oui. I see. SOUND THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY GRETAL [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here? VIC Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in-- SOUND DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST WOMAN1 So I said to him - oh yeah? You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world! WOMAN2 You didn't! SOUND WOMEN ARE GONE GRETAL Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you. MIRROR [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke. GRETAL The ladies room? We're meeting a contact in the ladies room? AND it sounds like a guy. VIC Check and see if there's anyone else in there. SOUND DOOR OPENS MIRROR If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I? GRETAL Holy crap. Get in here Vic. SOUND FEET ENTER SOUND DOOR SHUTS GRETAL This is Shallott of Internal Affairs. MIRROR Oh? Have we met before? GRETAL Lock it. SOUND LATCH CLICKS GRETAL I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me. MIRROR Whomever. GRETAL WHATever. And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup. VIC So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror? MIRROR Potayto - potahto. For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you. And I know your uncle, who vouches for you. VIC Who? GRETAL [vehement] SHHH! MIRROR And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks. VIC I-- MIRROR You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got. GRETAL [half pleased, half disgusted] Really? VIC Jumping Cow! MIRROR And that's why this can't go through regular channels. GRETAL B-but... Captain Meisterburger? MIRROR This is not a gossip session. This is a briefing. Good. A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago. GRETAL Figures. [knowing] Them woodcutters. MIRROR He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person. We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice. We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house. MOMENT OF SILENCE VIC Gingerbread house? GRETAL no offence, but where do you come into it? VIC Ginger bread house? MIRROR We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back. Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me. Not the Captain, not your best friend. VIC [louder] Gingerbread house? MIRROR [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet. VIC [annoyed] I have so--! MIRROR Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it-- GRETAL [smug] whomever. MIRROR This new cartel is making money faster than Midas. They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle. VIC And the house? MIRROR Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens. We need to find it. If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down. GRETAL Hmph. And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job. MUSIC 7_BONFIRE AMB IN CAR GRETAL You CAN tell me where we're going. SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP VIC [distracted] No, that's ok. Turn left. GRETAL That wasn't a hint, it was a demand. VIC Huh? SOUND CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP GRETAL My car. My rules. Where are we meeting this troll? VIC He's a woodcutter, not a troll. GRETAL [warning] AND...? VIC He's being kept in a safe house. SOUND CAR STARTS AGAIN GRETAL Hah. You mean a dive motel near the Shoe. VIC How did you know? GRETAL Educated guess. I've worked protection a few times. SOUND A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST VIC [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters? GRETAL Bad lot. Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations. Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again. SOUND CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE GRETAL Let me guess. That's the place? SOUND RUSTLE OF MAP VIC Uhhh... [down] yeah. 8_ELUSIVE MUSIC AMB OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE GRETAL Humph. They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe. Big money always survives. VIC Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of. GRETAL Come on. If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone. VIC I'm not so sure. Let's walk a perimeter. SOUND THEY START WALKING GRETAL A Perimeter? Fancy talk. Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter. VIC I did have a life before C-A-P. And Pattycakes are simple. Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well. GRETAL It's those big round faces. Wide innocent eyes. Not much to hide behind. VIC That, and they just don't see the point. Simple doesn't mean stupid. SOUND SOMETHING CLATTERS GRETAL [hushed rushed] Hold on. Something up ahead. SOUND GUN DRAWN SOUND SHE WALKS SLOWLY SOUND VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY SOUND SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY. GRETAL Come on! SOUND RUNNING! SOUND CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB GRETAL Damn damn damn! SOUND HITS FENCE SOUND VIC RUNS UP VIC Come on, he's not too far-- GRETAL No. VIC But we can get him! GRETAL That's a no go zone. See the sign? VIC Rampion Limited? GRETAL Yeah. Very private property. Dammit! SOUND HITS FENCE SOUND DOG STARTS BARKING SOUND ALARM GOES OFF GRETAL [sarcastic and bitter] Yeah. That's put a shoe in the loaf. 9_HOME AGAIN SOUND OFFICE SOUND HAND SLAMS DOWN CAPTAIN What have you got to say for yourselves? GRETAL [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in. CAPTAIN Why were you even in that part of town? VIC [very smooth] Anonymous tip. Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use. GRETAL [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah. CAPTAIN [starting low and building to a loud growl] If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when my officers think they're smarter than I am! GRETAL [quiet, but getting it] Oh hell. [up, belligerent] Captain, I don't think I'm smarter than you. Just tougher and more in tune with the street. VIC Wait! Wait! We can work this out! CAPTAIN [angry low rumble] The hell you say? GRETAL [nearly yelling] The Pied Piper could stroll back into town playing a mazurka and it would take you and three blind mice to find him! VIC Let's talk calmly about this-- CAPTAIN [to vic] SHUT UP! GRETAL [to vic] SHUT UP! CAPTAIN Give me your gun and shield. You're suspended. GRETAL Fine. SOUND RUSTLE, CLANK. VIC Wait - I - SOUND GRETAL STORMS OUT VIC What ...just happened? CAPTAIN Ask your damn partner. MUSIC A1_CAUSE OF DEATH AMB HALLWAY SOUND ELEVATOR PINGS, SLIDES CLOSED VIC Hold it! SOUND RUNNING FEET, DOOR STOPPED GRETAL What? SOUND VIC GETS IN, HITS BUTTON, DOOR SHUTS VIC What was all that? GRETAL hah. He started it. VIC [concerned] So... what will you do now? GRETAL Hmm? Oh, go to the morgue. VIC Uh.... why? GRETAL See Juniper. Find out what happened at the fire. VIC But... you're suspended. GRETAL [shrug] We only need your badge to get around. MUSIC AMB GINGER'S OFFICE SOUND DOOR OPENS GINGER Ah, Fleet. How comes the army? FLEET Fifteen more, [clears throat] though one stuck and ... and lost part of an arm. GINGER [furious] Who's responsible? FLEET [cowering] It was an accident! Um, uh - not enough butter! GINGER [vicious, but calming] See that it doesn't happen again. FLEET Yes Ma'am. GINGER Are they all ready to run? FLEET [important] It's what we're made for. MUSIC AMB MORGUE SOUND DOOR OPENS JUNIPER [squawky voice] Stay out! GRETAL Is that any way to talk to detectives? JUNIPER Oh, it's you. Fine. But I'm in the middle of a post mortem. GRETAL Aw, crap... VIC Interesting. Do we get to see a body? GRETAL Hell no. SOUND DOOR OPENS, SOMETHING BEING WHEELED OUT. GRETAL Hey Juney. We're here about the dead Woodcutter. JUNIPER Why am I not surprised? VIC Can we see the body? GRETAL [aside] Shut up. [to Juney] What can you tell us about how he got dead? JUNIPER Aren't you suspended? GRETAL Yesss... Show him your badge, Hansel. JUNIPER Aawk. I know you're good for it. How's your uncle doing? GRETAL [forced joviality] Hey Vic, maybe you can take a look at the vic's - uh, victim's - belongings. JUNIPER Dr. Fell will take you through. FELL [grumpy humph] Come on. Moron. SOUND FEET, DOOR SHUTS GRETAL Pattycakes? Even here? JUNIPER Where else will they get to practice? Dead folks are notoriously unbiased. Now. How is your uncle? GRETAL Taking it hard, I guess. Haven't really had a chance to check in. JUNIPER [squawk of sympathy] GRETAL [shaking it off] So? Woodcutter? JUNIPER Didn't die in the fire. The other bodies found with him had inhaled smoke - not him. GRETAL Someone killed him and set it to hide their tracks? JUNIPER Speculation, but sound. When you look over his things, get a whiff and tell me if you smell-- FELL [from off] Aw hell! GRETAL Crap. SOUND FEET, SLAMS OPEN DOOR GRETAL [disgusted] Aw, Vic, what are you doing? VIC [calm] Just wanted to see a corpse. [shrug noise] GRETAL Get a good whiff and then c'mon. we're leaving. MUSIC SOUND IN CAR VIC Do you mind if I smoke? GRETAL Roll down the window. A pipe? VIC Bad habit. Picked it up while undercover with Old King Cole. SOUND MATCH, LIGHTING GRETAL Am I going to have to bust you on a narco tip? VIC [laughs, then changes the subject] I've never met a coroner before. Are they generally large birds? GRETAL You'd be surprised. Juniper's cousin covers the next duchy over. VIC Juniper? GRETAL His real name is something unpronounceable in bird talk - so we call him Juniper. For the tree he lives in. Don't sell him short. He's a dab hand at spotting any kind of hanky panky. VIC Ah. And you call him Juney? GRETAL [evasive] He's an old friend of the family. VIC [knowing] Ah. GRETAL [quickly, covering] What did you find out? [disgusted] Apart from it smells like barbecue. VIC Actually, the smoke had an entirely different tang to it. Something sickly sweet. Can't quite put my finger on it. GRETAL Ew. How can you be so calm? VIC [defensive] Just am. [quickly changing the subject] I found two potential clues in his stuff, though. GRETAL Go on. VIC He had a white pebble stuck in his shoe, and a pocketful of bread crumbs. GRETAL [disdainful snort] Huh. Toast. VIC I don't think so. If I'm correct, I recognize the bread - a special brand of coarse sourdough ...popular with pattycakes. MUSIC AMB ST. IVES, THE PATTYCAKE QUARTER SOUND JUMPROPE RHYME LIKE CHANTING IN THE BACKGROUND, CROWD GRETAL Figures. St. Ives is the center of most of the city's crime. VIC [annoyed, but quiet] And 90% of it is run by Proseys. GRETAL [sharp] What did you say? VIC Nothing. Just that crime hides here, it doesn't always start here. GRETAL So YOU say. VIC You can think whatever you want, but let me do the talking. GRETAL Yeah, whatever. VIC This is my beat. [a little down] Was. Don't worry. My best contact isn't someone you'll have to rhyme to. MUSIC RUMPY You want WHAT? VIC You know, and I know, that you know everything and everyone, Mr. Stiltskin. RUMPY You know I've been getting out of the game, Hansel. Too old. SOUND HAND SLAMMED ON TABLE GRETAL [pissed] Look! Can you or can't you tell us where to find this Gingerbread house? VIC Gretal! RUMPY [unruffled] It's not so much a question of can I, but rather will I or won't I. What's in it for me? GRETAL Public spirit? RUMPY [laughs] VIC Same old. I'll owe you one, and you've cashed in plenty of my markers before. RUMPY And all you want me to do is get you to the center of operations for the biggest dope ring in town? GRETAL Yeah. Peanuts. RUMPY How's your friend Wulf adjusting to his new partner there, [very deliberately, hinting something] Miss Gretal? VIC Hmm? GRETAL [worried, but not sure] Dunno. Haven't had a chance to -- [breaks off, annoyed again] What are you insinuating? RUMPY Nothing, nothing... [thinking noise] Tell you what, I'll make a few calls, see what I can find out. Meet me behind the Cutlery Café in an hour. VIC Good. SOUND FEET, DOOR, AS THEY LEAVE HIM GRETAL [snort] You trust him? VIC He's very good. GRETAL And you're not afraid he's gonna do something stupid. VIC [oddly hollow] I'm not afraid at all. [up] Should we report to Shallott? Maybe we should pick up a hand mirror to keep in touch. GRETAL Don't work like that. Has to be a certain size and quality. Why d'you think bathroom mirrors are so crappy? VIC Ah. MUSIC SOUND ALLEY GRETAL I see alleys are the same all over. VIC Yes. GRETAL Why's it called the cutlery café? Got a lot of sharp cheddar on the menu? VIC [slight laugh] Nah. The dish and the spoon who run it just like alliteration. GRETAL [annoyed sigh] [suddenly up, gasp] Did you hear something? SOUND DISTANT CRUNCH OF A FOOTSTEP, VERY QUIET VIC No... [long sniff, then realizing] THAT's what I smelled. GRETAL What? SOUND ATTACK - PEOPLE RUNNING INTO ALLEY! VIC [with horror] Gingerbread! SOUND BIG SCUFFLE SOUND THUMP MUSIC FADES IN AS THEY WAKE UP GINGER EVIL CHUCKLE GRETAL [waking up, grunt, oww!!!] VIC [weak] Lay still. Breathe. GINGER I don't like cops, do I, Fleet? FLEET [deep creepy chuckle] No, Boss. GINGER Except ones that I own... VIC [calm, curious] I'm guessing we're not the first ones you've... entertained here? [hinting for her name] Miss...? GRETAL What are you--? VIC Shh. GINGER [pleased, superior] Just call me Ginger. What makes you ask? VIC Well... I assume this big metal cage isn't something you just had lying around. GINGER [big throaty sexy laugh] Good point. But I might not use it exclusively for police. VIC Let me guess. Business rivals? People who owe you money? [very knowing] Boy toys? Tough Cookies? GINGER [snappish and annoyed] I'll leave you to ponder that. Fleet? FLEET Boss? GINGER Did you get their weapons? FLEET [whispered] no fingers, boss. GINGER Damn. Take this-- SOUND SNATCHES UP SOMETHING FROM THE DESK, HANDS IT OVER GINGER --and cover them while I disarm them. [muttering to self as she crosses to he cage] ...really need to perfect that recipe. VIC There's always prosthetics. GINGER What? VIC You could make hands that mount onto their arms. GINGER Hmm.... GRETAL Don't help the crime boss! GINGER Hand over your weapons. You can't shoot between the bars anyway. Magic. GRETAL Why I oughtta--! VIC Just do it. That frosted maniac may not have fingers, but I suspect that shotgun was made for his kind. FLEET You bet. GRETAL Hell. SOUND GUN HANDED OVER GINGER And yours. VIC Here. GINGER Hmph. [insulting] Kind of... small. VIC I spend a lot of time undercover. GINGER Hmph. Okay Fleet, round up the troops. FLEET [plaintive] I don't get to kill them? GINGER Maybe later. Maybe just her. [as she leaves] I might keep him around, give him a taste of the product - fatten him up a bit. SOUND DOOR SHUTS VIC AND GRETAL [sigh in relief] SOUND DOOR OPENS GINGER [from off] Leave Stumpy to guard them. Make him earn his keep. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ENTER GRETAL [musing] I don't think I'll ever eat a Gingerbread man again. [hushed, but to Vic] Nice mess we're in. Your contact set us up. VIC [shrug] He only promised to get us in. And ...he did. GRETAL Count your fingers, toes and your children? VIC Kinda. But he's usually a bit more ... self-serving. GRETAL I think I can reach the lock. Got anything I can pick it with? VIC Nothing. GRETAL Well Dammit. STUMPY Shut up in there! VIC We'll just have to wait. GRETAL [thinks, sigh of decision, then angry] If there is ONE thing I cannot stand, it's your defeatist attitude! VIC [baffled by the sudden attack] What? GRETAL It's like I have to do everything in this damn partnership! STUMPY I said shut up! Or I'll shut you up! VIC [getting it] Oh! [angry sounding, but not too convincing] Oh yeah? Well, if you would just take a minute to think instead of running ahead like a... like a ... GRETAL Bull in a china shop? VIC No, a-- GRETAL Giant round of cheese, rolling downhill and crushing all in my path? VIC No! a -- STUMPY [very close] Juggernaut of disaster? VIC No! GRETAL Who cares? I'm going to kill you, and there's nothing this - this one-armed bandit can do to stop me! SOUND SCUFFLE VIC [not very convincing in pain] Ow! Ow! Ow! STUMPY Boss said to take care of him. SOUND CAGE DOOR UNLOCKS STUMPY Not you. GRETAL [whisper] On three! VIC [whisper] right! [up] Ow! You're killing me!! GRETAL I'm going to tear you in three - One, Two, Three! SOUND GUNSHOT, CRACKING OF BROKEN GINGERBREAD GRETAL What? Where'd you get a gun? VIC I never gave it up. Is it "dead"? GRETAL Not sure where to look for a pulse on a Gingerbread man. But he has gone all floppy. VIC Seems logical. All the same, let's lock him in. SOUND FEET, CAGE DOOR LOCKS SOUND BIG DOOR OPENING SLOWLY SOUND DISTANT GUNSHOTS VIC What do you think that is? WULF [DISTANT ATTACK ROAR] GRETAL [chuckle, very pleased] The cavalry. MUSIC SOUND BIG OVEN FIRE, CLOSE SOUND [OFF] FOOTSTEPS COMING GINGER Damn. Fleet! Keep them back! FLEET Right. Men! SOUND SHOTGUNS COCK MUSIC CUT TO OUT IN HALL GRETAL Do you still hear Wulf back there? VIC No. WULF [DISTANT GROWLY ROAR] VIC Yes. Still far, though. GRETAL Damn. We may have that witch nailed down in the baking room, but with just us, and just your gun, we don't have a hope of taking her in. VIC I see. GRETAL How did you get your gun back anyway? VIC Later. Did you see how many of her gingerbread minions she has with her? GRETAL Half a dozen maybe. They all kinda look alike. VIC Take the gun. I have an idea. MUSIC OVEN ROOM GINGER Did you see how many of them there were? FLEET No, boss. Just heard guns, and rushed you in here, as per evacuation plan 7-- SOUND SPRINKLERS COME ON FLEET Noooooooooo! OTHER GB MEN [horrified reaction] Not the sprinklers! GINGER Damn! I knew there was a reason I meant to have those replaced! SOUND FLOPS AND SPLASHES AS THE MEN FALL APART SOUND DOOR KICKED IN GRETAL Hands up! You're under arrest, witch! GINGER Never! SOUND OPENS HUGE OVEN GINGER You'll never take me alive, coppers! VIC Here comes Wulf! GRETAL Step away from the oven! GINGER [laughs maniacally, then screams as she steps into the oven] GRETAL Oh crap! I can't believe she -- VIC Don't get too close! SOUND FIRE WHOOSHES UP MUSIC SOUND BAR VIC How did you happen to show up at the right moment, anyway? WULF A snitch. VIC [knowing] Should I guess his name? WULF Slipped a word to us. GRETAL Us? Oh, right, your new partner. WULF Gander's a well made sword. Cut a righteous swath of his own against those crusty fellows. GRETAL Where is he? VIC Here he comes. GANDER Thought I'd grab drinks for all us here; Hope everybody wants a beer. SOUND SETTING DOWN DRINKS WULF Sit down! You're a warrior, not a wife! GRETAL [a little brusque] Beer's good. Thanks. VIC How are you finding detective work? GANDER Oh... The work is interesting, fine. And they'll get used to me in time. VIC I'm sure they will. GRETAL [Gulps down her beer] We gotta get going. SOUND THEY WALK AWAY CAPTAIN Just the two I was looking for. GRETAL Oh boy. CApTAIN They got the oven shut down. GRETAL And? VIC May I guess? CAPTAIN Uh, sure. VIC No body. CAPTAIn They think maybe it was hot enough-- GRETAL To destroy the corpse? Nah. It was her escape route. Shoulda known. She went in too easily. CAPTAIn Watch your back, Gretal. Hansel, you too. Oh, and... SOUND METAL CLINK CAPTAIN You probably need this. GRETAL Always a pleasure. Feel naked without it. MUSIC AMB CAR VIC You need to cut that guy some slack. GRETAL Who? VIC The new guy. GRETAL Who died and made you wise woman? VIC He just walks up and you start edging toward the door. GRETAL [growls] My problem, not yours. VIC We are partners now. Su problemo es mi problemo. GRETAL Whatever. [changing the subject] So? The gun? How'd you still have it when we were locked up? VIC Oh that. I never gave it up. GRETAL But that witchy boss chick? VIC Gave her my pipe instead. GRETAL And she couldn't tell the difference? VIC I noticed she was very nearsighted. [tsks] These vain women - afraid glasses will ruin their looks. *****************************

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BONUS EP. How Not to Kill Your Husband

Rich Hot Fun mama

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 7, 2022 18:07

I get it, the juggling of all the balls with family, kids, relationships and you just wish someone would help you in all the ways you say they should. If only it all worked exactly as you said it. Humph says every mama. Well, I challenge you in this episode to let in new information and new ways of seeing your relationship from both sides. Kiki is a Life Coach and a Parenting Coach, she works with mamas who are deep in the trenches to find a way out. Find out more here I love to chat on the 'gram kiki.mcgrath.xo

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"Humph!"

Holding Fast

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 10, 2022 12:40

humph

Humph | Ep. 36

Radioactive Rant

Play Episode Listen Later Mar 9, 2022 29:08

Mark waxes nostalgic about having known the ins and outs of all the products sold at Best Buy and how now he feels like a stupid idiot when it comes to new technology. Tom bitches about the business phrases people use these days instead of speaking normally. Also, listener messages, Celebrity Rant, The List and so much more, it might make you vomit... At least more than usual...

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Episode 49 - Humph and Fleur's highs and lows, reigning Rob in, and Football Manager

Fearless in Devotion

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 14, 2022 63:38

This week we're delighted that Fleur Robinson and Humphrey Ker have joined us to celebrate one year since the takeover.They were good enough sports to give us their Fearless In Devotion moments and answer Andy's quick-fire questions.We also discuss the win at Borehamwood and the See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

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110 "Yo, Maumelle's So Dumb..."— the only Uncensored, all Arkansas focused and Best Sounding podcast made in the Natural State

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 19, 2022 73:40

Hot damn! Yes, yes....you are now reading the exact words I'm wanting you to read. Thankfully, all I want you to know is that you're about to get yourself engulfed in the latest top shelf episode of the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast. Keep reading if you don't like surprises. - SNOW - UPDATES * baby-selling kingpin gets the time * the Humph is back + side quest: where's then video? * metaphorical herpe cop makes short list * rando DB in Roland gets a name * hammer murderer gets a name - matricide in Magazine - fringe water sports enthusiast goes missing - New From 100 Years Ago - 5 White Hall kids get expelled...blah blah...do you know about Yik Yak? - Democratic Black Caucus gets rubbed the wrong way - honor system and bullets - some dumb criminals doing dumb criminal things - 3-Dub's Night ...and a whole bunch more is crammed into this just dying to be let out. Thanks for hopping on the ride with me and I hope you dig it. Tap the SUBSCRIBE button to make sure you never miss a new weekly episode, or any of the bonus episodes that come out by surprise. If you're liking what's happing here, tell someone. Better yet, just grab their phone and subscribe for them. Do them the favor, okay? Interested in sponsoring the podcast, or want to reach out? Feel at any time. mail@notforprophets.net Web: notforprophets.net Instagram Twitter YouTube Spotify SpaceHey $JGM

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108 "Ball Bag Gag Order" — the only Uncensored, all Arkansas focused and Best Sounding podcast made in the Natural State

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Play Episode Listen Later Jan 5, 2022 60:26

Out with the old and in with a brand new SPANKER of an episode of the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast. It's nothing but Arkansas news and wacky happenings that will not put you to sleep. You can listen now, or keep reading. It's up to you. - $JGM - BONUS BRIBES: names picked - Department of Corrections - UPDATES + Sebastian County jailbreak: the backstory + names named in Huntsville baptizing: adults, yes. kids, no - Eagles vs Red Devils: baskeball, or biblical? - cop car vs pedestrian - The Humph is not to be trifled with - News From 100 Years Ago - Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast: Arkansas Crop Report - Nature News Nook: CWD + https://www.agfc.com/en/hunting/big-game/deer/cwd/ - Fort Smith crime family: caught - it's still arson even if it's yours - white fences in Bella Vista ...and a whole bunch more than just that is waiting for your precious hearing holes. Thanks for hopping on the ride with me and I hope you dig it. Tap the SUBSCRIBE button to make sure you never miss a new weekly episode, or any of the bonus episodes that come out by surprise. If you're liking what's happing here, tell someone. Better yet, just grab their phone and subscribe for them. Do them the favor, okay? Interested in sponsoring the podcast, or want to reach out? Feel at any time. mail@notforprophets.net Web: notforprophets.net Instagram Twitter YouTube Spotify SpaceHey $JGM

Looking Forward to Christmas - 5 December 2021

Christianityworks with Berni Dymet

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 4, 2021 27:17

December. Humph! So, are you looking forward to Christmas? Really? I mean ? what is it about Christmas that you're looking forward to? ... Join Berni Dymet, on Christianityworks as he looks forward to Christmas. Support the show: https://christianityworks.com/channels/cw/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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DAD TIME!!! Gethen. Humph.

The Link (A multifandom podcast)

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 29, 2021 18:51

Now, for the season you've all been waiting for… (or I assume you have, since the Elwin theory is the second most watched episode.) Who *dramatic pause* is Sophie's biological father?

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088 "Having Cocktails with the Neighbors"

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Play Episode Listen Later Sep 7, 2021 36:40

Don't act like you're surprised. You knew there was going to be another hot and fresh episode of the only all Arkansas focused podcast and the best sounding podcast made in the Natural State. Here's a little taste of what's ready for you. Honorable Mentions: - Jean da Silva IG - UPDATES * greasy Gilbert Baker trial rescheduled: shocker * two bodies ID'd * phony fan farm trial ends * 5 more turds for the Humph's plate + possible “CEO of Strokes on the Go” UPDATE - News From 100 Years Ago - Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast Arkansas Crop Report - JHAOUN! - the NWA is getting really gross; Josh Duggar approved! - not cool, Cool - city kitty moves to the country …and my goodness gracious, there's no way that's all you're getting in this episode! Of course there's tons more, but you're just going to have to hear it for yourself. *Hi,

Ep 461 Diplomacy by Emily L Byrne

Nobilis Erotica

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 28, 2021 49:31

This month's patron-funded story is "Diplomacy" by Emily L Byrne, narrated by Violet Jade. Captain Bridget O'Halloran smoothed her dress uniform and polished her medals with one sleeve before she pressed the glowing button that would allow her to enter Admiral Chen's office. She managed not to run a hand through her short red hair before she pressed the button, but only just. The doors slid open and she inhaled deeply before stepping through them in a futile effort to relax. The admiral's office was just as she remembered it: grey and spartan with only the comp unit's glow casting any direct light. “Done,” the admiral barked at it and the glow faded to a muted blue. “Lights!” The office flickered into a startling brightness. “O'Halloran!” The admiral's dark eyes took in her brisk salute and her medals with a “Humph! All right, Captain. At ease.” She relaxed her spine slightly and stood awaiting his orders, a wary look on her face. What did the old coot want this time? Last time she'd been in here, 3 cycles ago, it was because she'd volunteered to infiltrate the Lyrizi navy as an agent. She'd succeeded but the cost had been high. The burn scar that ran the length of her ribs throbbed a little at the memory. Chen gave her a fierce glare. “All right, Captain. We've only got a few minutes. There's trouble again in the Arment system about the selerinite clauses in the treaty.” He paused as if he wanted to see if she was still paying attention. Bridget stood up a little straighter, copper brows drawn together in a sharp frown. “Without the selerinite our ships will be grounded within two Earth months. This is what we went to war with the Lyrizi to prevent. So you're sending us to Arment to deal with it?” “Not you. Let me make myself clear, O'Halloran. The Confederation Council has appointed a new ambassador and a diplomatic team to resolve the matter. I can't say I approve of their choice but then, they didn't ask me. Just drop them off and give them any support they need. Don't let your personal feelings get in the way. That clear?” The door slid open behind Bridget with a nearly silent hiss. She forced herself not to look directly at the intruder until ze stopped beside her. Not like she could see anything past the other's hood anyway. She shifted her weight, wondering what kind of ambassador came with a warning label from her commander. Chen got a lot more formal. “Captain O'Halloran, you have your orders. This is Hight Isandre, the Confederation's new ambassador to Arment. Once you arrive at Arment, you will provide all necessary support for her and the rest of her team before returning to base. No nonregulation maneuvers this time.” Bridget let the tiniest of smiles curl her lips and saluted with vigor. Hight, huh? And a female, too. That was a surprise. From the gossipvids, she always figured that Highborn women of any galactic species spent all their time getting gene modifications and sampling every mind-altering substance in the galaxy. Admiral Chen scowled at her, breaking into her thoughts. “Yes sir!” He nodded his dismissal and she turned smartly and left, the ambassador at her heels. Once the door shut behind them, she turned to get her first good look at her passenger and almost yelled in surprise. Greenie her mind screamed and she nearly reached for her blaster, hands shaking just a little. The Lyrizi female looked back at her from gorgeous amber eyes that nearly glowed under pale green eyebrows against a background of dark green skin. One of those eyebrows quirked upward as the captain tried to recover her composure.

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085 "Goodnight, Sweet, Sweet Connie"

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Play Episode Listen Later Aug 24, 2021 81:32

Hot and fresh, delivered directly to you- it's the latest top shelf episode of the only all Arkansas focused podcast and the best sounding podcast made in the Natural State. Here's a little hint of what you're in for with this one: - bumped into my first roomie - UPDATES + one more turd for the Humph + 4 more for Deviant Devian + Machine Gun Louie gets a second chance + Franklin County moves to remove sheriff + Bigelow yearbook pages: do the right thing * (new) Columbus Day Parade + Potato: found, lost, and found + Sweet, Sweet Connie Hamzy passes - high school lockdown: it's a gun [AirDrop] - politician chases conspiracy in South Dakota - Sweet, Sweet Connie on the Joan Rivers Show - Jackyl - "We're an American Band" ...and you just cannot imagine what else is waiting for your ears in this one. BRIBES ARE OUT! Come claim yours if you left an Apple Podcasts review (with words). You just won some TREMENDOUS Arkansas related art, canvas prints, shirts, prints...all kinds of great stuff. The reviews help get the the ONLY all Arkansas focused podcast to the top of the results when someone types in "Arkansas" into the podcast search field. (TONS of fantastic bribes are to be had.) Thanks for hopping on the ride with me and I hope you dig it. Tap the SUBSCRIBE button to make sure you never miss a new weekly episode, or any of the bonus episodes that come out by surprise. If you're liking what's happing here, tell someone. Better yet, just grab their phone and subscribe for them. Do them the favor, okay? Interested in sponsoring the podcast, or want to reach out? mail@notforprophets.net notforprophets.net Instagram Twitter YouTube Spotify

081 "Getting VD to Go with the Bad Breath"

Stories Narrated by Aarav and Sankalp Mishra

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 30, 2021 37:04

Three episodes in a week wasn't enough, so I thought one more might be a nice surprise. That's the kind of treatment you get when you're here with the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast- the only all Arkansas focused podcast and the best sounding podcast made in the Natural State. Here's a little taste of what's here for you: -UPDATES + de Soto: opening soon? + NWA getting more "pro-life" + anti-trans law gets blocked + Arkansas insurrectionist get trial dates - Arkansas Crop Report +Arkansas Times Medical Cannabis Wellness Expo * https://www.facebook.com/events/979921116127438/ - Nature News Nook + more bears + ...and more black vultures - more police problems for the Humph - body found behind a Little Rock hotel - Christian author, podcaster, and nature ruiner in Maumelle + https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/real-familylife-with-dennis-rainey/id212174570 - News From 100 Years Ago ...and just a tiny bit more as always. But you'll just have to let your eyes rest and let your ears do the rest if you want more. BRIBES ARE OUT! Leave an Apple Podcasts review (with words) and you're put on the Winners' Wheel where you will have a chance to win some TREMENDOUS Arkansas related art, gift cards, canvas prints...all kinds of great stuff. The reviews help get the the ONLY all Arkansas focused podcast to the top of the results when someone types in "Arkansas" into the podcast search field. (TONS of fantastic bribes are to be had. I promise!) Thanks for hopping on the ride with me and I hope you dig it. Tap the SUBSCRIBE button to make sure you never miss a new weekly episode, or any of the bonus episodes that come out by surprise. If you're liking what's happing here, tell someone. Better yet, just grab their phone and subscribe for them. Do them the favor, okay? Interested in sponsoring the podcast, or want to reach out? mail@notforprophets.net notforprophets.net Instagram Twitter YouTube Spotify

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How the Camel got its Hump

Play Episode Listen Later May 2, 2021 6:33

The Camel finally learned to Humph himself

hump humph

“I Don’t Know” is Unacceptable

Contest of Challengers

Play Episode Listen Later Apr 11, 2021 63:28

Benhur’s safe is safe! Phew! Seriously, masks are still required in-store!! Sheesh. 7 months of Andrew. Woosh! Changes in the X-Men titles this summer! Snikt! New Marvel Legends action figures just announced! Bam! Bad Idea pins… *Sigh* “I Don’t Know” is Unacceptable. Humph. Image’s The Good Asian is an excellent detective (Chinatown Noir) comic! Ka-ching!* *Okay, so I felt a little weird using “Ka-ching” as the sound effect after The Good Asian. I was going for the sound of a cash register to emphasize how much we expect this to sell. To be safe I googled “noise a cash register makes” and both ‘cha-ching’ and ka-ching’ came up at the top, so I went with it.

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What a difference 48 hours makes.

Peak Reality Check

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 25, 2021 64:14

A new president and the changes are happening at Warp Speed (not to be confused with the last administration). Things are really changing for the good. Dee lists them as they are too numerous to list here. Dr. Fauci has been set free. Science, Data, and Facts. We can't hold him back now. Which state is doing the best regarding Covid-19 distribution? You might be surprised. Senators Cruz and Howely are catching the heat. Are they smart enough to feel it? Congresswoman Boebert and Congressman Lamborn, of the Colorado 3rd and 5th respectively, received a letter from retired judges, lawyers, and former military personnel, and it wasn't to praise them for their taking a stand to not certify the 2020 presidential election. State House District 60 member Ron Hanks was one of locally elected officials that attended the January 6th Insurrection Party. He apparently was a counterintelligence agent but by his web page, you'd never know it. People who feel their working conditions are unsafe, can collect unemployment insurance. No kidding! The Keystone XL pipeline? Well it's been stopped. Life is being breathed back into OSHA. About time. Twenty-eight members of T**** entourage have been sanctioned by China. This includes former Secretary of State Pompeo and former head of HHS Alex Azar. They were so looking forward to their trip to Macao and Hong Kong with their wives for a shopping and gambling spree. QAnon is losing its Humph! Apparently some of its members are disillusioned. I wonder why? Care to take a guess?

043 "A Campfire-Cooked Hotdog Casing"

Play Episode Listen Later Dec 22, 2020 61:53

You are in luck because you have found yourself in possession of another BANGER of an episode of the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast. This is the only all-Arkansas focused podcast and the best sounding podcast made in the Natural State. If you’re looking for all the true crime news (that’s crooked cops and corrupt politicians, too) and all the weird and wacky happening from all four corners of the state, then you are, again, in luck. Because this is the only place to find all that and so much more. How’s about a little taste of what’s waiting for you inside? -scam the scam; get a $100 or give $200 - UPDATES + Glock-a-feller goes to rehab + Gettin’ Paid Kade gets court date + More on morons: “Operation: To the Dirtbags!” + The Humph catches a break + The Washington Post article https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/opinions/wp/2018/10/14/little-rocks-dangerous-and-illegal-drug-war/ - NEWS…FROM 100 Years Ago - an RV exploded…twice - machete maniac crosses the line - dead body found in a torched car - another fallen tin star: crooked sheriff in Egypt, Arkansas - EMTs shoot back in Pine Bluff - 4 arrested in Little Rock protests; 3 out, 1 still being held + https://www.facebook.com/brittany.jeffrey.549 - abortion and Jason “Humpty Dumpty Phuck” Rapert - I don’t ❤️ Huckabees - murder trial: take 4 - Tontitown AGAIN! ...and you are out of your mind if you think that's all there is to this episode. As always, thank you for listening to the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast. You're helping build this behemoth and you are part of the takeover! ***If we can get the full 25 5-star reviews before the end of 2020, I'm quadrupling the bribes. $100 for you, or $200 for a chaity.*** Bribes: Leave an Apple Podcasts review (with words) and you're automatically entered into a $25 raffle. You win, $25 straight to Cash App. Don't want the money? Name your charity and it's $50. All this is so we can get the the ONLY all Arkansas focused podcast to the top of the results when someone types in "Arkansas" into the podcast search field. (TONS of fantastic bribes are to be had. I promise!) Thanks for hopping on the ride with me and I hope you dig it. Tap the SUBSCRIBE button to make sure you never miss a new weekly episode, or any of the bonus episodes that come out by surprise. If you're liking what's happing here, tell someone. Better yet, just grab their phone and subscribe for them. Do them the favor, okay? Interested in sponsoring the podcast, or want to reach out? Feel at any time. mail@notforprophets.net Web: notforprophets.net Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/notforprophets/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/notfor_prophets Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1irpkGh8xYLOoWe0nLFaBE?si=5K_KbPdqTqWde1d80coOdw

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033 "That's When the PCP Kicked In"

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 15, 2020 54:07

Welcome back to another hot and fresh episode of the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast - the only all Arkansas focused podcast and the best sounding podcast made in the Natural State. This is yet another fantastic episode that I've cooked up special just for you. You know I always put something extra in and this is no exception. You don't even know it yet, but you are in for a treat! Here's a little peek at what's waiting for you inside: - Mike Poe (@poebot) let's me talk about his upcoming podcast + https://www.instagram.com/poebot/?hl=en + TC is Metal +https://www.thv11.com/article/news/local/little-rock-dedicates-day-in-honor-of-late-musician-tc-edwards-murdered-in-2014/91-bcc8bca4-acc8-4eb0-9dfe-12b5c2366f42 - Apple plays favorites / Sorry, non-Applers: you didn't get the video - BIG BIG thank you to AmyMissDMA +https://www.cacofpomc.org - the news is ugly sometimes +sometimes, it's horrible ++ terrible, awful, horrible sometimes -UPDATES +NLR sex trafficking motel settles quietly + Christopher "The Flying Knee" Brownlow lands softly + a bit of puffery against the Humph + Conway killer, Mackrell: murderer + Camden killer caught in California + dumpster dump truck dummies An invitation from Splatti Cakes + https://onlyfans.com/splatti.cakes - Exemplary police officer killed in Pine Bluff - "News You Didn't Want But Will Love To Listen To" by Brittany Duffy ...and of course there's always more. I'm glad you're here on the ride and seeing where this takes us. As always, thank you for listening to the Not For Prophets Stereo Podcast. You're helping build this behemoth and you are part of the takeover! Bribes: Leave an Apple Podcasts review (with words) and you're automatically entered into a $25 raffle. You win, $25 straight to Cash App. Don't want the money? Name your charity and it's $50. All this is so we can get the the ONLY all Arkansas focused podcast to the top of the results when someone types in "Arkansas" into the podcast search field. (More exciting news ahead!) Thanks for hopping on the ride with me and I hope you dig it. Tap the SUBSCRIBE button to make sure you never miss a new weekly episode, or any of the bonus episodes that come out by surprise. If you're liking what's happing here, tell someone. Better yet, just grab their phone and subscribe for them. Do them the favor, okay? Interested in sponsoring the podcast, or want to reach out? Feel at any time. mail@notforprophets.net Web: notforprophets.net Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/notforprophets/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/notfor_prophets Spotify playlist

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032 "LRPD: D is for Disaster"