Podcast appearances and mentions of drew fairweather

JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because:  It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalion home ... Missed dead-brother opportunity ... Combat without consequence ... The GLeeMONEX Initiative ... Job-solution man ... Spot the Angel: No ghost, no one, or everyone, or the Army ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee with warlords; thos beans; nog contest/Mexican chocolate nog; Waingro Counter; instant latte ...   PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 57, 86, and 5 ... Overdetermined: Dance at the barn; Hallmark war-zone quit; Ronin; support-the-troops speech ...  PART FOUR  Crossover: The Initiative; The Hurt Locker; Black Hawk Down II; Penny Dreadful ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Co-workers Jade and Pam; Linda Fiorentino as Jade; high school principal; Patton ... Who's the Real Villain: Nothing happened, the Neocons, imperialism ... The fruitlessness of this movie and the GWOT ... PART FIVE    Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Cold breath, hot sun ... Shot in Connecticut ... Wet dock (reprise) ... Wrapped hockey stick (reprise) ... Make with the death! ... IMDB Dive: 1800 soap episodes; Blucas and Brawl in Cell Block 99; Breckin Meyer; Marcia Clark ... George Templeton Strong ... "I love that you're so into history" ... "I'm the eggnog king!" ... Feliz Navidad! ... A Royal Corgi Princess/Christmas; A Pinch of Portugal; Love, Inheritance and Lunch ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!  All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Ashokan Farewell," by Jay Ungar. Jessica's Twitter HERE • BlueSky HERE • Patreon HERE

RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because:  All we see is the goal ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; diminishing sports ... Dropping acid, watching Hallmark, shrieking neighbor ... Commentator Bumble date ...   PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: "Fries"; urban oat milk, business wisdom; bread bowls; homemade tahini; (Boardwalk Empire butt cut); (admire-able); 10am pie; giant night pancakes; consolation wings; invisible omelet; bobcat stomach; winner buys! ... Alley gambling ...   PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips, all roads lead to Arli$$, and the toxic PNW sports culture ... Hallmark ESPN never embraced debate ... Overdetermined: Ropes course; constantly humbling Emily; undecided protagonist; Ian has a type ... Ian: 30 years, two partners ...     PART FIVE    Crossover: Ted Lasso and Any Given Sunday; Aaron Rodgers' diarrhea retreat; Jon Bois' Friday Night Lights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Social worker Brandon; no replicant; Sandra, the diner owner ... Who's the Real Villain: Emily's immaturity; no sports Big Bad; kids specializing in sports; Ian, The Dragon ... Rating: 2 ... Impossibly bad sports ... Star Trek Space Africans/Unlicensed Gilmore Girls ... Let Emily be mean! ...  PART SIX The Leftovers: World-class woman's player, no-name loser ... Gary Sheffield public-park dingers ... Leadership writing, Taylor Swift ... Emily and online sports discussion ... Knitting coach, man down ... IMDB Dive ... "Mr. Dick" ... Geocaching ... No crutches! ... Sex at BYU ... Wet dock ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Soul Dracula" by Hot Blood. Ryan's Twitter HERE • Fullcast HERE

We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize: No one's claiming the rights ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon ... Vincent Price chapter narration ... A strangely under-playful, overly traumatized movie ... Mr. Snowflake at Verso Books ... A WWI of emotion ... Spot the Devil: Mildred ... Spot the Angel: The Narrator ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Mad Men/Lumbergh cocoa mugs; goulash; inaccurate beer pull; orange abbondanza; candy cane vape pen; chewing on cinnamon and rosemary ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The PNW telluric currents; angel vacation resort ... Overdetermined: Confronting the sprites, wild accusations; Mildred's Rickles routine; "I am done living in fear!" ... Stuff didn't work out! It's ok! ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Crossover: Introducing Ned Ryerson; nyads, wood-nymphs, things of that nature; Death Ship, again ... Unclaimed rights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Diane and Keith's divorce-a-thon ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Maybe 2,000 years old ... Mad Dog Russo's Revolutionary War ... Who's the Real Villain: Fiction publishing and copyright ... Literacy in DeSantisland ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... Meet your dead dad ... IMDB Dive: Ruby Monroe, script supervisor, Blade Trinity The Leftovers: Charles and Mildred banter (good), Charles despair line-reads (bad) ... All her stories, steel suitcase ... Made up village, lotta rules ... Blue violin, karate ... Six seasons and a screenplay! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Torgo's Theme." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing. Radio by seniors, for seniors ...  THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallmark universe ...   Break: Basil Poledouris, "Klendathu Drop," Starship Troopers soundtrack. PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Hey, Good Morning; Amy Instagram; she's a business ... Jazz aficionado ... Senior Radio ... Apology, AA confessional, let's race! ... Scarecrow teen treachery ... Spot the Angel: No ... Eat Your Heart Out: Caramel mortarboard; foliage week, proper names, time dilation; first pumpkin latte of the season; late Loggia, Alex Jones; hotel pitcher of cider; Luke and Lillian's pumpkin sage ravioli; Mountain Dew Braised Rojas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tom is Billy Pilgrimed here; diner kid in the movies, here, now; "Pumpkin Pie Wars"; "Holiday Date," the undercover Jewish experience, Delco Extended Universe ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Letters to Santa: Andrea Canning, the Dateline anchor, USS Christmas and IMDB ... Overdetermined: Necessarily overt talks; soundtrack cue, swing hooting ... Crossover: Starship Troopers and Scanners, of course ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Mom Lillian, jerk-horny, work-life imbalanced ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Who's the Real Villain?: The elder care industry ... Don't wanna know the book's plot ... Full Mendo ... Title/Sequel: Good title; fed up; that feel, Tone ... Rating: 3.5 ... "Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas" ... The Leftovers: The Jeff Beesley experience ... The Michael Ironside IMDB tour ... McBain ... Surfacing/Scanners ... Cohagen, horse breeder ... Megawattage ... Soundalike narrative soundtrack ... Merry Christmas!  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Scanner Duel," by Howard Shore, Scanners soundtrack. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if:  We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked toilet ... Daffy final third ... Real-ish growth ... More nuance, still confused ... Maximize Your Tropes: Milkshake theft; "my values"; giant fake belly; lake surfing; anchored together; stunt coordinator ...   PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Bestie Sasha or old Minnie ... Eat Your Heart Out: Gym shake; workout negroni; cheese fries, tendies, gym; Costco cheeseballs jar; butane-roasted cauliflower; contemporary pizza; chip smuggling, snack confiscation ...   PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Decommissioned Summer Camp Belt (Episode 57) ... Overdetermined: Ex Liza's arrival; Jared's "work"; stunt-training; homecoming gown; "her rules" ... Crossover: Chris Hemsworth's paunch workout; Ben Affleck quitting Dunkin; Kate's Most Dangerous Game ...     PART FIVE    Hallmark Bechdel Test: Barely! ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rick; Jared; maybe everyone; Minnie ... Who's the Real Villain: Fat-shaming/bad science ... Rating: 3.5 ... A flow state of assumed chemistry ... Giant thumbs-down sticker ... Into sticker-shaming ... Snotty table turning ...  PART SIX The Leftovers: 70% of the population has a dad-bod ... Good locations ... Minnie is a ghost ... IMDB Dive: Christie Will Wolf, W. Stuart, Reacher's brother ... Going to Hogwarts ... Race to Save the World at Midnight ... Avocado green ... Driftwood ... Bad cornhole ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Hooray for Hollywood," by John Williams and the Boston Pops and "Pump It Up (Instrumental)" by The HotRats. More from Casey: Twitter HERE • Book HERE • Newsletter HERE • Instagram HERE

We started DATING THE DELANEYS (2022), but:  Do you know how loud jai alai is? ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... McNamara nostalgia ... Restorative justice for Brendan Zub ... Manderson Mode ... The Expositional Challenge ... A horn of a sort ... Plot Mop-Up: Michael, guiding PR practice; ex-husband rehab; horny grandma; arcade-bar; gone fishin' ... They seem like people! ... Paul Campbell Appreciation Station ... Charmingly corny flirty antagonism ... Punishing punsmithery ... Early forced laughter to natural fondness ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Maybe Michael, maybe the horny mom, probably a goose egg ... Angelic parenting assistance ... Eat Your Heart Out: Salted caramel and cookies; Cafe New Orleans, eating crawfish, po-boy chunks; blind date basket of rolls; reasonable pizza with pepperoncini; pecan-pie cake; skyscraping bacon chocolate cake; Find My Salad Soulmate; namin' fish; America's most favorite cake; abandoned Heineken; Shake, Battle and Bowl; sauceless mozzarella sticks; rime-free milkshake ...  Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make It, Bake It, Cake It; QVC knockoff; Teryl Rothery; Episodes 9, 11, 12, 31, 50, 52, 55, 56, 59, 64, 74, 83, 84, 85, 86, and more; wine-clown concert road trip! ... Overdetermined: No true qualifier; too much friend hectoring; winking ... Crossover: Steve "Bones"; Quantum Bakery Apprentice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All non-Michael, non-New Kid men; Steve! Steve! Steve!; David, the ex ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who's the Real Villain: Self-performance dating-app industry ... Title/Sequel: Good title and "Delaney Due Date" vs. Thematic underuse and "Dating Dana Delaney" ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Met at pickleball ... Printing out articles ... IMDB Dive: Jennifer Barrow, King of the Hill veteran ... Zack, the turd, with a sign ... Old new kid ... Treat Williams ... "Your dad comin' today?" ... Second Life kitchen ... "World Baby" ... Dental plan ... Merry Christmas!  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "100,000 People," by Philip Glass. Read Jeb's hot dog sandwich piece: Here. Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (2022), but:  Forensics can wait for the pageant ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls comp ... Muted romance, many speakers ... Lego/cigarette Canadian ... More Karpluk! ... Cast Rundown ... Jeb Flubs Name of Brendon Zub ... The Expositional Challenge ... Sublimely 311 ... Shear Delight: Gownless neck-hair trim; lumberjack sketch; hands off my instrument; listless blocking/acting ... The Bear, but for hair ... Hallmark-ass prestige restaurant ... Break: "Sweet Home Chicago (Live)" by The Blues Brothers PART TWO   Chekhov Wept: No time for loose ends; Knives Out shade; disappearing mom horniness; disappearing setups; landlocked sailboat; Mitzi's break-in breakdown; "local"-status alibis ... New Yorker director ... Wrong-footed by Hallmark ... Murder twist ... Women laughing alone with tombstones ... Burn Notice ending ... Eat Your Heart Out: Stress eating fruit; flapjack group, toast group; Dominican BBQ; Todd Gurley for Burger King; open-mouth etiquette; more Gurley burger ... Land of wigged brunettes ... Familiar Canadian ...    Break: "Hair," by The Cowsills PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Denver of the Soul; pageant town; Adrian Grenier interlude; a Sopranos Hallmark movie ... Overdetermined: Sterling pleading innocence and creepy invitation ... Homemade weed killer ... Crossover: Benoit Blanc accent; Carmy as Kyle; Bear guy hair; Hair Rescue; post-canceled James Franco twins interviewing El Chapo; Kundun! ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Salon crew yaass droids; Olivia, the murderer; Passions mom and cop-wife whining ... Dave's Anne Heche issues ... Who's the Real Villain?: Weatherman Darren; law-enforcement impunity; pageant objectification mania ... Beautiful klutz ... Title/Sequel: Lather, Rinse, Revenge; seamy split ends ... Rating: 3 ... Julie Gonzalo Appreciation Station ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE    The Leftovers: IMDB dive; 1st Assistant Director; ahhh, Tibor; SFW; Bringing Down the House ... Our screenplay goes viral! ... Walt Becker, Van Wilder, Wild Hogs and Old Dogs ... Darren's remote hit just outside ... Precinct sweet tea urn ... Sloppy Ken, forensic snacker ... Quarter zips ... Shakespeare talent show ... Pharma ad direction ... Walking my rabbit ... Rabbit dad shirt ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cut Your Hair (Karaoke Version)" by Pavement. Follow Vince on Twitter: @VinceMancini

Renowned webcomicist and peruser of unfortunate products Drew Fairweather explains the simulated universe theory and why we're all just snowmen, man. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

CASEY TAYLOR joins us and SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED for THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED (2018) and: A tedious audio warning ... We are going to Pueblo! ... THEME ... Boofed the intro ... Meet Casey Taylor ... Elite Christian postal detectives ... Casey was USPS ... Red flags ... Never be friends with supervisors ... The Signed, Sealed, Delivered universe ... Cast rundown ... Haywith guy or Dorman guy ... The Expositional Challenge: Over the line ... Dave That Failed ... Plot Wrap-Up: Norman and Rita have wedding anxiety; Shane and Oliver doubt each other's commitment; gambling-addict sister; Rachel's husband, Icetown mayor; Dinosaur park, pie restaurant; real mayor shit; shame doesn't liquidate your assets ... Colorado is a commonwealth ... Colorado of the Mind ... Enormous vehicle, walking pace ... Student pursuer ... You have to drive in USPS ... The mail and The Knowledge ... Unprepared for the serial structure, loved it ... Enjoyably immersive ... Chemistry set ... Outsider-art production vibes ... Is Oliver Norman's dad? ... Pretending to steer the car ... A good Hallmark-hermeticism movie ... Four people at a real-estate broker's conference ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No; all; appeal to Wallace Shawn; Raiders, before it turns bad; postal angels; Mr. Ass ... Eric Mabius Objectification Station ... Mannequin at J. Crew ... Casual daywear as depravity metric ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bistro Ramon; finding a single farmer's market; Norman's a pie guy; Rachel At The Farm Stand; Gumb; panicked craft services raid; no kettle chips for kids; gargantuan Francesa popcorn ... The Hallmark Expanded/Crossover: Meadow Soprano bursting into the ballroom; Vito Spatafore finding his own community, Meadow finding gentleness in Colorado; Meadow hunted by her past; too hermetic for other Hallmark properties; Arlington Road; Episodes 6, 13, 21, 29, 45, 49, 51, 58, 60, 76, 88, 91, 92 and 94 ... Barber-prescribed cocaine ... Overdetermined: You are also in prison; procedural Law & Order beats mitigate the overdeterminacy; "we're ominously going to see daddy" ... Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature, Ashamed of Your Dad; too much allegory ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Serial-structure problems; voided by Oliver, wedding checklists; Ashamed of Husband ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everything about Oliver; surreally chaste ... Cod lips, car magnet ... Whoa! Partner Chat: Checked out early; hair callbacks; call the non-canonical FBI; militarization of the USPS; the Oliver-Sherlock connection ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who Is the Real Villain?: Guilt/shame/alternative lifestyles; bridal shaming; product-driven publishing; technology; affected twerpy atavism; the carceral state ... Rating: 3 ... Dinged for Ramon ... Don't let Norman drive the bus ... Overtly sincere Christianity over demographic/product self-signaling ... BREAK ...  The Leftovers: A rainbow of babies ... An thousand foreskins ... Pokemon go to the orphanage ... Norman, Hallmark's first overtly Jewish character ... Norman's shame at his ancestry ... A prison of bubbe ... Deliver Me ... NPR Bix Beiderbecke noise ... R. Crumb's shittier brothers ... USPS DISCLAIMER ... Bye, Dave ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CASEY at The New Republic here • CASEY at Mel Magazine here • CASEY'S TWITTER here

We're on the ROAD TO CHRISTMAS (2018), we'll take you there, take you there, for: Exploring the space ... Notes from Jasper, LLC ... THEME ... Countdown to Christmas in July Countdown ... Tardiness apology ... ADHD cul-de-sac ... Talent show cringe horror ... Burn down the portrait studio ... L'Allegro and Il Penseroso ... BREAK ... Meet Zac Hug ... Ethical quandaries ... Funny, playful acting and plotting, with real stakes ... Jeb's life story ... The Expositional Challenge: Flex Bomb ... Plot Wrap-Up: Family breach, sassy twin sister, competent assistant, rescue animal Christmas celebration ... Everything more alive/artful than usual ... Twinkly POC pranking ... "Silly" is a good choice ... White Elephant parties ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: None ... Eat Your Heart Out: First appearance of acorn squash; CAST RUNDOWN; Dan Quinn; Christmas tree eggnog; OJ with a cinnamon stick; a goose is cooked, abundant and low value; colorless, numerous rolls; Hidden Valley Shrimp; bacon-wrapped dates, salami, spiced onions, crudités; strategic gift reserve; normal vegetarianism; Palestine and snap peas ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Colorado, Vermont, New Hampshire, the airport, and episodes 6, 13, 21, 29, 41, 45, 49, 51, 58, 60, 61, 70, 71, 76, 87, 88, 89, 91, and 92 ... Journalismism: Standard waivers; remote servers and thumb drives; doing it in person; QZK8's omnipresent weather man; yes, that's a demotion; easily dismissed obstacles; unconfirmed interviews; an actual family company; stories tell themselves; unrecorded quote ... Overdetermined: None ... The art of not underlining ... Crossover: A peak-TV overcast NY media take on this special vs. It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Planes, Trains and Automobiles ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: If work as an overall practice/necessity/task counts, yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: None ... The most-closeted character in Hallmark to date ... Is the representation great or not enough? ... Hallmark staring down demographic destiny ... Jeb's Medium piece about Hallmark, LINK: HERE ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Assistant's Mini-Me ... Who's the Real Villain: None ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Allan Harmon adapting TS Eliot ... Jeb catches a stray; no party parking; But Wait, There's Echoes of Buckley ... LOT COP ... Extremely big and fabulous Jimmy Stewart ... Rejecting this alliance ... Teryl Rothery's nerves ... A nice Martha Stewart ... Nutley ... The Martha Stewart Cookbook ... Croquembouche ... Help you with the segments ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baker Street (Loop)," by Gerry Rafferty • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Ireland stays FOREVER IN MY HEART (2019), but: It's Ryan Fitzpatrick again ... Harvard Boy ... Kicked by a donkey or slapped by an elephant's trunk? ... The greatest QB of his era ... BREAK ... Interrupted intro ... Happy birthday! ... Uncular ... Six weeks off ... Annual January depression ... Crown Media sources ... Jeb's dad injuries ... Backup dad Ryan Fitzpatrick ... The 25th best in your world at your job ... Foreign architecture, busted ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... "Are these movies getting worse?" ... Authentic oofs, recycled beats ... Playing with the boys ... Plotless exhaustion ... Overnighter execution ... Prison Planet and creeping seasoning ... The stickiness of unique features ... Flooding the zone, goosing the numbers ... A Mountaintop Removal Christmas ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Return to form ... Dalkey ... Plot wrap-up ... Old lady's dirty weekend ... The Twinkling Isle ... Spot the Angel: None! ... My heart will Ashokan Farewell ... Eat Your Heart Out: Incredible-looking food; traditional breakfast and gorgeous scones; tea abundance; 3 beers and Shit London Guinness; David Roth's food fails ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Pugsley Hotel Chain vs. Generational wealth from European warfare ... Overdetermined: Bizarrely gentle breakup with Dave vs. Patrick, Charlie and second chances ... Rung up by the Mom Show ... Crossover: The Matchmaker vs. The Quiet Man vs. Local Hero vs. Simply Dave holding back the jokes ... Letters to Santa: Michael T's friend in Hopedale, Dave's visit to Cooperstown, America's Golden Door, and Nick's Quadruple H (Hallmark Holiday Hegemony Hypothesis) ... Adding jargon to more ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Steven R. Monroe and I Spit on Your Grave ... Product placement crisps ... Making the keychains more fun ... "Festival season kicks off in a week!" ... Inspiring and mostly cloudy ... Half a year in Columbus alone ... Confessions for scones ... "Like changing the font?" ... Rating: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Sunnyside of the Street," by The Pogues • "Playing with the Boys" by Kenny Loggins • "Hell's Ditch," by The Pogues • "How Could I Be Wrong," by The Auteurs • "The Game (Triple H's Theme)," by Motörhead • "Lullaby of London," by The Pogues • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane 

CHRIS COLLISION opts for A BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAIN CHRISTMAS (2019) and: Kim Jong-un's perfume ad ... THEME ... Collective hangovers ... The movie is our fault ... Opening old beer ... I studied The Blade ... Foyer or Foyer ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Vindication! ... Plot wrap-up ... Not an actual movie ... Overlook Hotel Caretaker ... Spot the Angel: Mrs. Sacks, hotel haint; African-American prospective buyer; no angel candidate; Paul Auster and later DeLillo; Rachael Leigh Cook's Willow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, cider, cocoa; no lids; wan sugar Paula Deen-ass cookies; a world without cookie toppings; Oh, Walnuts!; no savory food; plate of uncooked kale; flat, sad champagne; legitimate fruitcake gag; Brogan's Diner ... When Rachael Leigh Cook is Rachael Leigh Cook ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tepid water metaphor; Mistletoe Inn book workshop crossover; law office for acquiring Hallmark inheritances; map of Canada; doppelgängers ... The Clonus Horror ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Men's Crazy Cat Man Ugly Christmas Sweater; roadie reps; martinis available in Midway, Utah; moving to Utah because of A Boyfriend for Christmas; how to get your brothers into Hallmark hot takes; Charles Durning as Santa Clause; Bruce Yams; A Kim Jong-un Hallmark Christmas Movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Love object, or building; over-parallelism; pretending you don't know you're in love; a six-minute span of treacly nostalgia; "Christmas Games" (1993) ... Crossover: The Prisoner; it's not like other movies; The Others ... Beat the Geeks ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Reference in another Hallmark movie; also, yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Benjamin (David Lyndon) and chemistry; Brothers McMullen; Ben's mom's haunted fifth-act talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Too much moppet; bollard pull; Lina Renna trying to dial it back; 4 ... Rating: 2.5 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Snow on the roof and nowhere else ... "We're doing 5 nativities" ... Assessing the nativity market ... Eagle Ridge, not Blue Ridge ... David Winning, who killed my baby? ... A Ruby Ridge Christmas ... Now that's paper ... Why did you wrap in memories for warmth? ... Based on the book ... Hallmark's Q-Anon ... Neil LaBute ... Erotic step-siblings ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Grave Architecture," by Pavement • "She's All That Freestyle" • "My My My My Mitchell," by Hoyt Axton • "No Motherland Without You," by The DPRK National Orchestra • "Wicked Game," by Bossasonic • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane 

CHARLES STAR and ROBERT WHEEL pair up for a HOLIDAY DATE (2019) and: Act cool in the hardware store ... THEME ... Patty and Shelby shout ... Truly vs. Claw ... Foremost Jewish thinkers ... Hallmark's first "Hanukkah" movie ... Unfamiliar with Christmas AND Hanukkah ... Jeb screws up the actor name ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... "Plot in Philly" ... Bad fake architect, bad everything ... "I've never had ham" ... Jewish prayers and phlegm ... Insulting to Christians ... Prayer horn ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Theological soundness and/or Teryl Rothery ... Classic Lines: The Emo Philips/Anna Wintour continuum; old things are better ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jelly donuts, the Israeli import; sour cream AND apple sauce; asshole restaurant set; Ethan's Nick Swisherness and rehabilitation; is Ethan a sit-wiper; bagels and lox; Israeli salad; tzimmes; Ashkenazi-Sephardic schism ... Bobby's goodbye ... BREAK ... Plugs ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Vivica Fox's white-slavery goth-conversion boutique ... Overdetermined: Father's gruff exterior; the family's anthropological interest in his Jewishness ... Charles visits Indiana at Christmas ... Eating all the popcorn ... Actors aren't criminals ... BREAK ... Shtetl Pass ... Crossover: Scarecrow and Mr. Grunt; the Waiting for Guffman 'verse ... Immigrant/exchange student vibes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Joel, hands down; not understanding a hammer or method; Glen's humiliation relationship ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2 ... Rating: 1 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Terrible acting advice ... Written at a child's level ... Amy Klobuchar jokes ... Dad's hysterically joyful weeping ... Doesn't understand theater ... Phillies, Eagles, 76ers ... "A very troubling year for this player" ... Menorah gift ... Interfaith Spencer's gift ... Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Shlepp the Halls with Loaves of Hallah," by The Three Weissmen • "Latkes" by Sam Glaser • "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen," by The Klezmonauts • "We Wish You a Klezmer Christmas," by Lauren Bernofsky • "(I'm Spending} Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane 

MEREDITH HAGGERTY returns to get WRITE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2019) and, actually: It's a holiday from holidays ... THEME ... Love, actually 50 percent shorter ... Cast of lug nuts ... Good premise, big swing, not enough movie ... Death cards ... Hanged Jesus and Boston racial violence ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Lachey manque ... Plot in One Segment: Santa bed ... Optician ... Romcom proposal breakup ... Plot sampler! ... Beasley callback ... Lolita Davidovich thirst trap ... Oversharing dog-based romance ... Orphanages and cello teachers ... When a hot guy follows you into your house ... When he shows up at work ... Card-based parenting decisions ... Hallmark boy band ... Primo and a prima donna ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Hallmark cards, animal fat ... Seasonal bed ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bouncers, tabloids and candy canes; marshmallows; water in wine glasses; Primo's, Sarasota and tea houses; dogs, fruitcake and doorstops ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: 2006's The Christmas Card and Pvt. Jessica Lynch vs. Michaels, but for supernatural Christmas supplies vs. the pan-Chicago Hallmark zone ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Luke's picture and journey to Club Motion vs. Exposition bleeding over timelines and Stay in Your Lane, Grandma, and Don't Bring Up Death vs. Jane Mansfield death car (Crossover) intrusion and lassoing the moon and Primo's camera monologue ... Five minute psycho speed-dating and elevator creeping ... Crossover: Mimi's birthing decisions vs. Scrote, and Chicago Cello vs. Cop out ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Hallmark "Hanukkah" movies; Last Ship nostalgia; Andy G's notes about Christmas tree lots and free hot drinks ... LOT COP: Trees facing wrong on the car and going into a house, twice; business class Christmas; Christmas-tree lot banter, bourbon bluffers and dads in Home Depot ... The Swagony of Defeat: Cards, plug ... Lila got card-jobbed ... Over-50 communities ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Jessica, Mimi and Cello dreams ... Deliberately tragic first impression ... Pro-Confederacy local orchestra ... Jewish-penned carols ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Luke, creepy person not a creepy robot; the happy-go-lucky ex Wes; Mimi's child-rearing by card; Wes's sample size of dislike ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5, for Love Actually'ing without "moments"; a mediocre but game attempt; fewer cards next time ... The Leftovers: Jax, and the happiest loser band in the world ... Purple theme, purple theme ... Insane and confusing timeline ... Sir Robert Peel ... Chad Michael Murray's incredible filmography ... Herman's Head and Xuxa ... An oral history of the dog eating the heart ... Magically starting an abandoned car ... Getting advice from your romantic rival ... Adoption whimsy journalism ... Getting a gig writing fake copy ... You try doing the segues, Dave ... Podcast scoliosis ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Used to Believe," by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists • "All or Nothing" by O-Town • "You Raise Me Up," by Josh Groban • "Chick Magnet," by MxPx • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane 

We settle our brains for a NOSTALGIC CHRISTMAS (2019) and: A computerized programmable horse ... THEME ... Ethnically Kasem ... Led astray by Brooke D'Orsay ... Trevor Donovan streak ... Victor Webster's lotion ... The Expositional Challenge: Dunnnkk ... Powerful wooden Santa totems ... Alicia, the smartest person in Hallmark history ... Dullards ... Going back to Miss Christmas ... Leads failed by material ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: City of angels, angel amnesia ... Jaguar ... Eat Your Heart Out: A single bite, dessert chicharones ... Mike Francesa farted on the radio ... RIP, Deadspin, a fart website ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas in Angel Falls, the rocky and desolated Hallmark riviera, abandoned southern downtowns, Squat and Gobble, Kum and Go, Pump and Munch vs. Who buys the mill? ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Listener Sarah's Segments, including "The Moderately Attractive Man," "Chekhov's Solution," and "A You Problem," The Horse and Carriage Elder God ... The Nog-Sothoth ... Overdetermined: "No time for love, Dr. Jones!" and "A Hug of Good Tidings" ... Excess of binary scenes ... Repeated parental conversations ... Crossover: Satanic Christmas in Castle Rock ... Sergio Leone camerawork ... Aw, GAWRSH ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone is a replicant ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 4, and an ecstasy of twinkling and thankless material ... Rating: 1.5 ... The Leftovers: [LINK] Smart Horse [LINK] ... The Internet of Horse ... BoJack Horseman ... "We purchased the title of a book and ignored it" ... Nostalgic Christmas TK TK ... The cab traffic in North Bay, Maine ... Herding reindeer ... A weird figurine of an older man ... Don't read the incantation aloud ... Jessie gets left with a lot of adult strangers ... A non-Euclidian Hallmark space ... Celebrating a win at the snowball toss ... The doohickey stays in the picture ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • "Twin Peaks Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti • "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More, Baby," by Barry White • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Episode 38 by Drew Fairweather, Ed Zitron

It's an embarrassment of riches with the SISTER OF THE BRIDE (2019) and: Extra Hot Great, SVU and the cultural canon ... Vartan Dadian ... THEME ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Oxford School of Economics ... Professor of Factoidal Weddingology ... Cherry T-Bird ... Golfing without golfing ... Jack Welch, Lee Iacocca ... Hallmark Inversion: A talented golfer feigning incompetence ... Mind if we film-through? ... Michael Gross brings you to tears ... A B&B with strangers, a fridge at the in-laws ... BREAK ...  Spot the Angel: No ... A marriage drama with logistics ... Charming banter ... Hide the realtor ... Eat Your Heart Out: The whitest Hallmark movie yet; coffee meet-cute; pancakes-and-waffles summer and colossal breakfast starch; a Gosford Park of food; first Hallmark IPAs; an establishment Republican film; Viking River Cruise people; Perillo Tours; flabbergasting carrot-peeling technique; rich people guessing and/or tanking at chores; inhuman mass of salad; Founding Fathers raspberry tarts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Department Chair in Marriageology from Puppy Love vs. An MVA with Love of Course, a Christmas Melody and Puppy Love ... Alle Lieben Jake ... Overdetermined: The Cheeseburger Address ... Michael Gross as the bummer GOP father-in-law ... The Mr. Fusion of guest-star speeches ... Jen Lilley being enthusiastic for you ... Why is Candace Cameron the hegemon? ... Crossover: Tremors, in this movie vs. 2012 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Unambiguously no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone at ease in the same unreality ... Rating: A backdoor 3 ... Cranked the dial all the way to bread ... Letters to Santa: It turns out 9/11 happened ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Everyone is rich ... Kate Wagner and McMansion Hell Appreciation Station ... Squatter's rights ... Invisible giant engagement ring ... Voiceover priest ... Two copies of the college textbook ... I'm looking forward to hearing the wedding band ... Punk underground vs. Techno ... Not laughing in the writers' room ... PA in jeans at the wedding ... Thoughtless rich-people wedding invite ... Amazon peeling review ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Eggs and Sausage (In a Caddilac with Susan Michelson)," by Tom Waits • "Let's Roll," by Neil Young • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We go back to the CHRISTMAS LAND (2015) and: We will never forget our granddaughters ... You can't go out there and die ... THEME ... Monsoons and painter's scaffolding ... Picking Richard Karn, Maureen McCormick and Christmas tree farms ... Tree farms, Staten Island, egg nog ... Dave's yokel safari ... Jurassic Park ripple ... Luke MacFarland Appreciation Station ... The Mistletoe Promise callback ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Cooper, Cobbler, Baker, Apothecary ... Two lawyers, first in class, failed in Contracts ... Implied, oral, incomplete ... Hallmark Goodfellas ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Glinda the Good Grandma vs. Jules herself ... Did you fight in the Scone Wars? ... Check out the barn on that one ... Eat Your Heart Out: Uncle pancakes, just a guy with pancakes, bathrobe-cult culture, actual cocktail, red-wine waterglass, live drillin', Thomas á Becket, cupcake abundance, collapsing roof ... Italian grief food amounts ... Artisanal barn cocktails ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The County of Christmas Land and Free Cities of Potemkin Christmas Villages vs. The greater Chicago/Midwestern Christmas blob ... Our Hallmark book written periodically in Elvish ... Something that sounds like Welsh ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Unacceptable, envisioning The Worst Idea of All Time, thought Shaq would be bigger, The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test ... Hallmark courtroom tactics ... Overdetermined: "I know what you're doing," angelic reaffirmation, Tucker's anti-metropolitan heel turn, exes can share New York, almost everything you need is here ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Heck no, but...; general good-plot and Bechdel correlation even on Hallmark; "fecundity" ... Rating: 3, benignly and maybe ideally ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Encyclopedia of Pines ... Christmas Beef Lot: Good selection, unorganized by species or height/price tier, silly prices, insane competition, soak it in ice water ... Frankin' a dook ... "Scrooge" reappearance ... Mitchell: Hallmark dick boyfriend taken to unethical levels ... $850,000 to sell coffee on a single block ... Four retirees, $450,000, and an uncle with 4" of bank-billed Benjamins ... Nikki DeLoach, Erin Grey, Twiki ... Real Season 2 Buck Rogers Hours ... Nikki DeLoach Appreciation Station ... VHS softcore in the mall CD store ... Sam Earvin, Acting on Impulse, and: Linda Fiorentino, Nancy Allen, C. Thomas Howell, Adam Ant, Isaac Hayes, etc. ... Four Cassandra Peterson movies, but only one Elvira ... Santico ... Jamarcus Russell, Charlie Weis, and the 2007 All-State Sugar Bowl ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Then He Kissed Me," by The Crystals • "Tri," by Y Niwl • "Trees," by Joyce Kilmer and Oscar Rosbach, performed by Ben Selvin and his Orchestra • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We're horsing around for eternity with VALENTINE EVER AFTER (2016) and doing unpaid labor on: A dude ranch ... THEME ... Knee calipers ... Going in optimistic ... Eric Johnson Appreciation Station ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rock-mount failure; dude ranch; hospital raffle ... Alana Smithee, or Alana Smithee? ... Heavy tropery and peak overdeterminism ... BREAK ... Journalismism: One perfect catastrophe of news layout; Hyphen Stanheight; Hello, mako; Rahm Emanuel ... Fleeing Chad ... Spot the Angel: Probably angel-free vs. a very Twin Peaks judge ... Funding MRAPs through the recession ... Lindsay Anderson's "Mission to Christmas" ... Nigel Bennett's IMDB ... Casual slave labor ... Razzing a Hallmark cop ... Fogel, Engerman and Hallmark cliometrics ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Beef stew, Cowboy Bar and Cadillac Restaurant; carb-dating Hallmark movies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Please remind us to bring back old bits; Chicago, The Radcliffe Center and your donor base; build the Hallmark wiki; Kitten's billion-dollar fund; James Brolin's ranch ... Paul Auster's New York Trilogy ... Jerry Lewis's Clown Holocaust ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Dad's immediate, relentless info-dump; the character-development efficiencies of early exposition vs. PEAK info-dump, plot recap and foreshadowing vs. Incredibly overdetermined Colbie Caillat ... Rapping end-credit plot summaries ... Puff Daddy, KRS-One and Bobby Brown ... iZombie whips ... BREAK ... Crossover: Gavin Learning about himself in David Mamet's The Edge vs. "Ben Thomas has come unstuck in The Horse Whisperer" ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Easily succeeds but maybe totally doesn't ... Partner Chat: Kate face-pulling; carb-free biscuits ... Rating: 4 ... Structurally bad but nimbly leaning into it ... "Metropolitan" ladies ... Outstanding leads ... Mom Lily as shrewd, tough, wise and worthy of embodying a compliment ... Gavin Stanheight's legitimate anger/heartache ... Awful, last-minute quit ... Organic trauma-swap ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Girlfriend Experience ... Population density of Wyoming ... Hallmark's The Terror ... Cemetery Man callback ... Edgar Allan Poe-ass statue ... City Girl can sometimes ride ... Don McBrearty: "Gay or Straight, Is There A Choice?" ... Look how cute this horse is ... Turning off my ringer ... First-ever Hallmark c*ckblock ... Police escort for landowners ... Child interruption ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Generique Assault," by KRS-One • "On Our Own," by Bobby Brown • • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We will drop THE LAST BRIDESMAID (2019) until: A question mark leads to an exclamation point ... THEME ... The bipartisanship ceremony ... Better than the new churn ... The busier oeuvre of Nina Weinman ... Hallmark realism as foreign policy ... Kissinger, Scowcroft, Armitage, Oh my! ... George Mitchell's pipe ... Cast rundown ... Matt Harvey actor ... The Expositional Challenge ... The Magic Mountain ... The Sutton Foster of the Hallmark universe ... Tell your auteurs no sometime ... Jeb's preschool hunt ... Stop whining about your prosperity ... Laying people off without a Gary ... Moh's Hardness Scale ... Plot wrap-up ... Movies on aircraft carriers ... Five months together ... Amazing natural blocking ... Nimitz 1-4 ... Roland Emmerich quit ... Having an adult conversation ... Welcome back to blimp chat ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Dual angels, but Kyle can code ... Eat Your Heart Out: Little food; catching Becca eating; normal salad; expensive but authentically annoying wedding; Shame the Cat! ... Pros in the Olympics ... Venus de Milo discount ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Wedding March's Tombstone wedding town; Ike Clanton's defense of marriage; Paul Campbell, the sexless Quantum Lead ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: The joy-or-insurance binary vs. The Herr Settembrini and Herr Naphta dialogues ... Bong hit with your first Libertarian ... BREAK ... Crossover: The Errol Morris Interrotron Wedding Interview ... Robert Strange McNamara vs. Eric R.'s Last Samurai or the Last Starfighter ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Letters to Santa: Impostor Syndrome vs. Beth's kind letter and kidney theft and husband's NCAA pool ... Partner Chat: "We're supposed to be on her side?"; quits, archetypes and inclement weather ... Driving with Jeb's great-uncle George and the emergency break on ... Herb Caen ain't worth it ... Rating: 3 ... Visually good, not busy, not a lobby ... Retro Banana Republic ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Enjoy your one day, dress ... Too hippy? Try the crinoline ... Above-average bridesmaids dresses and jewelry ... Dolores Herbig ... Bryan Fuller: No emergency break ... Remember how your mom is dead? Time to be happy ... Bereavement-card emotional product placement ... Swallow your own poison ... Mark Jean and six episodes of Police Academy: The Series ... Le Loup-Garou du Campus ... Dead air ... Selling insurance to a grinding noise ... Rachel Boston Appreciation Station: Better barbed than beatific ... Show feet, Hallmark ... Shrimping ... BREAK ... Warner Brothers DSC street-sweepers ... The Greatest Generation ... Paul Campbell's gently silly IMDB autobiography ... A dead era of online personal sincerity ... Look dad, might feel cute later ... Narendra Modi ... Pre-kiss vow exchange ... Marrying into a cult ... I'm so your wife right now ... From Hero Dogs to Union Carbide ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "100,000 People," by Philip Glass • "Quantum Leap Theme," by Mike Post • "Magic Mountain," by Blonde Redhead • "Jungle Work," by Warren Zevon • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk • "67 Cities," by Philip Glass • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's three yards and a cloud of pixie dust with LOVE ON THE SIDELINES (2016) and: Dr. Moreau wasn't wrong about the climate ... THEME ... The lines are open ... Hunter St. James ... Football or graftass ... One of the good ones! ... Joe Theismann picks interesting Hallmark movies ... Snowcoming nostalgia ... The Cremation of the Care ... Any Given Regretful Sunday ... Al Pacino reverie ... Hallmark Sports Channel ... JD and the Straight Shot ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup: Ava and the backup; poor and hungry; incompetent Mustang owner; scant Theismann ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Patty, Supernatural Roommate ... The manifesto that proves the rule ... On to Cleveland ... Jeb's 19th century lawncare machines ... Eat Your Heart Out: Totino's Pizza Rolls promo; into you, Moby; Emily Kinney, spritely and elfin; a B-Dubs STACK of bread; Krishna dinner; 5 slices, 4 sliders and piles of Fritos; ecstasy of starch; clearly BBQ wings; We. Stan. Buffalo; the wattle must grow; scything a Showtime guy; pot of homemade chili; elegy for the Lost Kangaroo; bar hot dogs for dinner; "that's all casing"; the NFL diet of guacamole and cookies ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Crossover sports universe of the San Francisco Miners and Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers; San Francisco, less beautiful than St. Petersburg; Full House; Kelly Rutherford and McKenzie Vega stuck in traffic returning to McBanjo; Kezar Stadium ... Overdetermined: The Danny/Ron/Ava Dumb Misunderstanding vs. Football-Metaphor Roasts and Joe Theismann's Eponymous Line ... Jared Lorenzen shout-out ... BREAK ... Crossover: A celebration of Any Given Sunday; Pacino in the Hallmark universe; The staggering aftermath of Last Boy Scouting it ... Billy Blanks, thanks for joining the Patreon; get my ass swole ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, ass-backwards gender politics, but it still works? ... Jeb's Mom, Oakland Raiders season ticket holder ... An infinite number of peaceably coexisting dirtbag communities: The America we want to live in ... Partner Chat: Danny is a pud; otherwise enjoyable; Conviction-era Emily Kinney fan ... Rating: 3.5; perfect execution of Hallmark middle-tier ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Danny Holland career comps: better than Tom Brady's first 7 seasons ... Arena-league player scale ... You named your dog after Newt Gingrich ... Fantastic Dane ... Theismann's method approach to lower-body injury ... Theismann to DeLuise: Touchdown! ... "Hey, you DO know something about football" ... Background football 24/7 ... (Brief) Hayley Sales Appreciation Station ... 16 episodes of Crown Bench ... Kevin Tighe Emergency! ... Ron Silver tendrils ... Idiot Elliot's patriarchal privilege ... Ocean's 12 with a 30lb. bag of dog food ... Terry Ingram and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle ... Mike Kafka Appreciation Station ... Losing a roommate, gaining dental care ... MVP: Emily Kinney ... Dave's lustrous coat ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Not As Much As Football," by Mojo Nixon • "All Kinds of Time," by Fountains of Wayne • "Thé à la Menthe (Instrumental)," by La Caution • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Orchestral Sports Theme (Lighter)," by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We sail away from SAILING INTO LOVE (2019) and: "I think it's great" ... THEME ... Seattle Pilots ... Dickie Thon (redux) ... Dave Lopes, Grant Balfour ... Swaddled in torpor ... Four Weddings and a Funeral, on paper ... Plot with no wake ... Instant bread podcast ... The Expositional Challenge ... I got nothin' ... Plot mop-up and island love ... Boy falls in water ... Welcome back to Costner Chat ... BREAK ... Still so featureless ... Spot the Angel: Nobody ... Like a table read ... Fiona Vroom: The Dean Acheson of the Hallmark family of brands ... Eat Your Heart Out: Minimalist dining; Kate-upsetting chowder; Hallmark in Maine; suspiciously beige; penne and Aussie wine; Last Ship nostalgia; family-annihilating unkillable Master Chief ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gus Van Houten's Resort Paradise vs. Lucky In Love and Northern Lights of Christmas ... Overdetermined: Nothing, but also Tom quitting over a street conversation ... Crossover: Into the Blue, Striking Distance and Grey's Anatomy ... Only the driest and most odorless sex ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Transcontinental best-friendship ... The Build-a-Buré Workshop: Christmas in July, zero research on Australia, Bryan Brown, Midnight Oil, Luke Prokopec, Natalia Imbruglia and AC/DC ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No ... Partner Chat: Appropriately medicating ... Rating: 1 (soporifically) ... Leah Renee, underserved ... Leah Renee's earlier music career ... Busytown Mysteries ... Dave's Willow Bay nostalgia ... Garry Garneau, Aaron Rodgers, Colin Jost and Peyton Manning ... What about my snacks??? ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Insanity," by Leah Renee • "iBF (Imaginary Boyfriend)," by Leah Renee • "Break the Ice," by John Farnham • "Orinoco Flow," by Enya • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

Ah, Paris, and SUMMER VILLA (2016), and time to ask: How's the writing going? ... THEME ... Who's a medical model, by the way ... Expecting swill, getting a delightful soufflé ... Moments of silence ... The Expositional Challenge ... He's a thicc lad ... Plot wrap-up ... Jean-Luc and The Butcher ... Bill DeBlasio, Child of the Corn ... The Democratic Candidate Night Club ... Beto's eternal relaunch ... It worked! ... Hilarie Burton is bae ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... Wallace Shawn, Bruce Vilanch ... Eat Your Heart Out: Raspberry glaze; hotel-restaurant presentation; pine-nut baguette sandwich; "swordfish is butt, to me"; anodized pans; Hallmark-ass food fight; turned by the sandwich; raw egg slide, wrecked kitchen; milk pig ... BREAK ... Deproblematizing the discourse ... Oafish but not malicious ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Quebec, not Provence; Carrie Bradshaw; writer in-house in a Hallmark writer's workshop; Corbin Bernsen with a Bluetooth ... Overdetermined: No Hallmark-grade contrivances; music at all NY events; I'm shopping here music; especially nasty blind date; classic ad hom; the Za Za Zu; immediate apology; is Matthew Everston a men's-rights activist; Gord Willis, the Canadian Prince of Darkness; the lovely and quiet hot chocolate scene ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: It basically qualifies but nah; Abby as a non-adolescent teen; your passion never goes away ... Partner Chat: Why can't the 15-year-old have wine?; Mormons, marshmallows, bowls; The Vice of the Most Wholesome; nasty marshmallows and Doctor Chocolate; mug of sex juice; isn't he sort of a jerk?; Pinterest chalkboard; fake muntins; awful front-door package ... "McMansion Hell" Kate Wagner Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Emorphia Margaritis and Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Not enough credits, great-as-heck name ... Movie Rating: 4 ... Hearts of Spring callback ... Only a one-gear plot with some clunky early aggressiveness ... Letters to Santa: Nicest feedback ever; vomiting in 2012's Love at the Thanksgiving Day Parade; what's the vomit like; something happened to Hallmark movies; the 11th 9/11 anniversary; "Heart of Glass"; Case Keenum; Christmas at Old Town Road; 7th grade forever ... BREAK ...  The Leftovers: Hilarie Burton voice-acting goofiness in a tearful, normal phone call ... A smart person who's sad ... Carrie Lee Wilson and Emi Mochizuki Appreciation Station ... Iron Chef? ... Peter Piper's Pickled Professional Portfolio ... Learning to ride a bike! ... DeBlasio callback ... We're just asking bike questions ... Sword swallowing ... Jean-Luc: Decent, observant, needlessly owned ... Male capri pants ... THE Joan Wilder? ... Clamdiggers ... The Armond White of food critics ... Norbit ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "New French Girlfriend," by The Auteurs • "Demain Tu Peux Changer," by Dusty Springfield • "Val Venis Theme," by Jim Johnston • "Baby Love," by Annie Philippe • "C'est Ma Chanson," by Petula Clark • "Où Est Ma Tête," by Pink Martini • "Marie Douceur, Marie Colère," by Marie Laforêt • "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, with Rick Murnane

It's podcast time, when TRUE LOVE BLOOMS (2019), and: We're resolving tension ... Baby arms ... So overdetermined it might be ironic ... Old Tampa actors ... THEME ... A Tampa Bay Hallmark movie! ... Authentic St. Petersburg ... You! The Tampa Kid! ... St. Pete skyline ... America's Most Floridian Hallmark Podcast ... BJ's Holocaust museum ... We liked it! ... Sara Rue Appreciation Station ... Jordan Bridges: Thicc Novak ... Fewer indoor cats, more unstoppable female force ... Matthew Diamond's great operas ... Jane the Virgin ... Our excellent regional opera ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Ace to see you ... Hallmark quitting over a minimalist designer ... Boyle v. Hewitt and Peppers v. Tomato ... Wrap it up ... Floral-print clothing signifiers ... Spot the Angel: Goose egg ... The Trauma Swap ... Eat Your Heart Out: This lasagne is just some stuff; carrot cake; normal coffee; thankless minority best friend in a Friday's; proportional pasta; questionably toasted peppers ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Abortive start; transcontinental tulips; talking yourself into golden beets; ramp reprise; Ice-T being a dick ... Crossover: John Sayles's Community Garden; problematizing and unpacking; "Chace Devine"; Lethal Weapon 3 as the bridge; Lethal Weapon 2, race, class and gender dynamics ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Insane opening expository intensity vs. a troika of quotes ... Condos, buildings, your dead mother ... Home & hearth scantron ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Vikki is THE force ... Letters to Santa: Well-wishes; favorite music cue; NPR; Chris Collingwood Appreciation Station; what goes where? ... Slip-sliding away ... Rating: 4 ... Always making choices ... Sara Rue can slice you in half with a broadsword ... A one-act movie ... Chace Devine's moment of insight ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Buildings have concrete in them ... Hawaii sounds like Florida ... Dogma 95 ... The Lumineers ... A St. Pete community leader would know every developer, who wouldn't care ... St. Pete's homeless problem ... Pinellas County's Purity of Essence ... Where's Rick Kriseman? ... BREAK ... The Ladybug Release, a True Event ... Denis Leary's Merry F*ckin' Christmas ... Exorcist III Appreciation Station ... Jeb heroically restrains himself from mentioning that William Peter Blatty wrote A Shot in the Dark again ... Very lazy sneak-in ... Captain Morgan needs a bigger shirt ... Mark (and this movie) loves job-creators ... Gardens don't bring in the green ... Thomas Cromwell's padlock ... The Spirit of the Universe vs. The Green Boys and Company ... Michigan ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "She Wandered Through the Garden Fence," by Procol Harum • "Ramp! (The Logical Song)," by Scooter • "My Secret Garden," by Depeche Mode • "Mind Gardens," by The Byrds • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's undercover boss time with EASTER UNDER WRAPS (2019) and: A special message from the dead ... "You have 8 vitamins" ... Ramps! ... Crass lead-in ... CREDITS ... Food based and not good ... Like eating a brick of cream cheese ... Good Capitalists > Bad Capitalists ... A fairy tale of business-shaming ... A framed photo of the undercover boss in HR's office ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Spot the Angel: Twinkly black couple fakeout ... *Bane voice* Chocolate bunny ... Eat Your Heart Out: Iffy-looking chocolate; the Cavendish Egg; butterfly surprise; Wedgewood-ass chocolate; large feeding-frenzy-sized egg; sidewalk cheese; 52 eggs; things that do not go with chocolate; a Klosterman of contradictions; reference new foods, default to comfort foods; Dave singing ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Back to Seattle; Jason Giambi; Mira's swank apartment in Lucky in Love; you killed one Gubelmann by looking at it; Hallmark's Wicker Man and Mulholland Drive update ... Overdetermined: The Delicate Sound of Chocolate vs. Sensuality and Experiences over Feelings ... Ghost, with snakes ... Zen and the Hallmark Cohens ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Solid yes, no friends ... The invention of business lying ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 (average) ... Hippity-Hop Fizz ... Rating: 2 ... Talk about your process ... Extremely representative Hallmark fare ... Brendan Penny, ESPN ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Bupkes! ... The Leftovers: Foster Cavendish, German immigrant ... Erin or Erika ... Cavendish Chocolate and Topps cards ... Chaz and Trent for Chocmate and Untuckit ... Witness to a Great Becoming ... Midafternoon bedtime ... Lucy and Ethel chocolate clumsiness ... Early antagonism quit ... WKL News ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Ramp! (The Logical Song)" by Scooter • "Chocolate City," by Parliament • "Chocolate Sundae" by Stan Getz and Oscar Peterson • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane 

It's time to FLIP THAT ROMANCE (2019) and reveal: This movie was bad ... Whose fault is it? ... Like a fountain-drink suicide of Hallmark going wrong ... Expanding the Hallmark topic zone ... Jeb, pain management and HGTV ... Tyler James Tyler LOVED the flips in this movie ... Welcome to Casa Leone ... Apartment dwellers and home builders agree: This is a valueless story conceit ... Heroically making human needs more expensive ... A house flipper vs. the concept of house flipping ... "Little Boxes" flipping renovation ... My Bad Flip: leaching all humanity from this concept ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Nice ... The one (and one and one) weird thing about this movie ... Costco Depot ... A whole town of bad romance and renovation stans ... Favor? This is your JOB ... Rich people jonesing for this next score to get well ... Chandler, Ross, Indy ... Leni Riefenstahl's Christmas Village ... Charlie Sheen smug vibe ... Thawed-out romance, with trolling ... Everything that flatlines might converge ... BREAK ... Substack Blog Plug ... Beaten by alumni ... Spot the Angel: A whole town! ... Drag This House: Home design center "class" options; contractor spec house picks; the Katherine Heigl kitchen; House Beautiful; debased design language; more humid than humid; conceptually beige and easy to sell; wet-paint color decisions ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: In the Heart of Hearts of Spring ... Eat Your Heart Out: The Hallmark debut of rosé; buttchugging; this is how old you are now; excruciating lasagna scene; shut up and eat; just so rude ... Overdetermined: Flower arrangement ... Rating: 1 ... Mateen Cleaves Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... The Leftovers:  "Epic fail" and "hangry," welcome to the canon ... First-opportunity kiss ... Positive gaysian character ... Character actor with a good IMDB page ... "Have a healthy breakfast" music ... Overbidding by $18,000 like a moron ... Time-bending countertops ... "There are opportunities here" ... Inspirational five-foot rose mural ... I thought we were going to hit it out of the park with this flip ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Cantaloop" by US3 • "More Human Than Human," by White Zombie • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane 

It's time for 2018's LOVE, OF COURSE, the harvest festival and: All right, Tumbleweed, let's row ... Your call to the Winklevosses is important ... THEME ... Good evening ... Dave's not pulling his weight ... Laughing out loud at "Love, Of Course" ... Golf movie? ... Love, Tautologically ... The Jim Furyk-Hale Irwin Axis ... Good! Mostly nothing, badly paced ... Kelly Rutherford and Cameron Mathison Appreciation Station ... Less densely plotted than Ski School ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes Max: Ex-accountant, Lion of the PTA ... Gossip Girl swag standards ... Internet of Things kitchen ... Farm-to-A&M ... Mathison Poppin' ... Moms not hitting the release button ... Buff, friend-adjacent professor ... Canadian science-fiction reference ... Graciously Gossip Girling ... Noah, from the School of Harvest Studies ... Consenting to a harvest festival and romance ... Rutherford and Mathison are too good for the fakeouts ... Kissing, then sharing blood type ... Avoiding the conversation and conclusion for a passive quit ... Too adultly acted to be this childish ... Was our frustration intentional? ... Phoef Sutton shout-out ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero, but with child and black-friend fakeouts ... US Olympian, America's Sweetheart, Gabby Douglas and missed Gymkatas ... Rotary texting ... Orchard largesse ... Eat Your Heart Out: Classic pumpkin-zucchini muffins; muffin batter; pumpkin bowling; bread bowl; two bar visits; Untouchables; apple cider, pear cider; Hallmark doesn't believe that salad exists; alienatingly normal plate of penne and garlic bread; unappetizing/pornographic farmer's market fare ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Things Valentine romance hatred, Bookstore Boss Goes Bonkers! tabloid reportage romance hatred and the Hearts of Spring universe ... Bromides in the air ... The Balkan connections to the Hallmark universe ... Overdetermined: Lonnnnnng clip; Marco Polo; incredible root metaphor; friend advice, homemade soup; thoughtful enough overdetermination ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, matching sheets, Mr. Huggsy ... Letters to Santa plug ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Effective daughtering ... The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Makenzie Vega Appreciation Station ... Competent movie reference ... Missed Kiss #1 and physical space ... Normal-movie direction ... McBanjo ... Chloe Caroline ... Pumpkin waste ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

We regret with 2019's SNOWCOMING and: SnowComing explanation ... The second-chance high school dance ... Wistful, near The Running Man ... Hey, I'm trying to finger somebody! ... THEME ... Jane Wiedlin Thrashing on a BMX ... Letter from Santa: "Joe Theismann is in it" ... Larry Csonka ... Back-to-back Heisman Trophy runners-up ... Alicia Witt's Heisman ceremony ... Ed Marinaro and Jim Plunkett shout-outs ... Dave didn't dislike it ... ART THOU BOTOWN reprise ... The Expositional Challenge: 97 seconds ... Life just happens at Samantha ... How old are these people? ... Who are Jake Gillette's quarterback comps? ... Jake the Snake ... Jay Cutler as any Hallmark leading man ... No smoking in Hallmark ... Extremely short football toss ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Coach Kerrigan, surrogate dad? ... Ed Marinaro as Joey Buttafuoco ... Old Comedy Central ads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Jake, cookbook reader; more appetizing than most Hallmark food; disarmingly untouched salad; "Bonkers for Brussels Sprouts!"; a non-compelling arc; a citywide celebration of ambivalence; uncomfortable Joe Paterno resemblance; Peter DeLuise joint; soup as a metaphor; big-boil soup; food literate; tasting duo for Padma Lakshmi; the realest sh*t that's been in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wistful Literate Mountain Sports Town, Colorado, and The Eric Mabius's Ass Universe vs. Hallmark Pan-Sports "Field of Dreams" Field for Emotional Orphans and Chris Klein's "A Haunting of Dads" ... Overdetermined: Waiting for SnowComing vs. I Will Exploit Your Agony ... Main character as fifth-act villain ... BREAK ... Crossover: Hallmark Channel's The Wicker Man vs. Jerry Maguire with Concussions ... Peter King's cap implications for Jake Gillette ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... NPR pledge drive ... The Leftovers: New football coach, P.E. coach and health teacher, with zero experience ... Principal Case Keenum and Superintendent Jay Schroeder ... "I got a degree" ... Theismann fourth-wall callback ... Joe Theismann Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Scarf-spendthrift ... Unsecured campus ... "The snow at the game is clearly fake" ... Whistler, reprise ... Sage Abernathy: "F*ck to Pride and Prejudice!" ... Sage Rosenfels ... "As to a lover... Coach" ... Replace the mom ... Wordless pendant application ... Incredibly normal almost-kisses ... Treehouse exit ... Outdoor fire pit ... "I feel so savory" ... RATING: 2.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "The Buttafuoco Song," by Marvin Rosenberg • "Hill Street Blues Theme" by Mike Post • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

ANDY LEVY returns for 2018's A SHOE ADDICT'S CHRISTMAS and: Letting go of Frasier ... Bad movie choice ... Donnie, Andy Richter, Otho ... The Candace Cameron effect ... Not a real shoe addict ... Jean Smart co-stars as Jeb's mother-in-law ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... WWII-era American ethnic slurs ... Plot cleanup: Jake and Noelle's stymied fun party ... Photographer, HR Director ... Hallmark's job/hobby false dichotomy ... Save me from complete prosperity ... Murder your balls/sweetie, show feetie ... Jean Smart, peak literal angel ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Sneaky multiple angels, angel relief, angel hierarchy ... Classic Lines: Rude-ass shoes; the worst shoe-toilet in Scotland; $690 for white-tiger-ass shoes; Candace Cameron looks terrific; "keep it fun"; about $900/outfit; CandyCams-brand apron product placement ... Do We Have A Section On Theology?: Inconsistent angelic rules; if you ask an angel if he's an angel, he has to say yeah; The Archangel Dark Web ... Unintentional horror movie ... Darren Aronofsky's "Shoe Addict's Christmas!" ... Charlie/Charlene ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Breakfast breads; mustard on the meat; the world's saddest sandwich; meat dilation; a successful chain of hot dog stands; Humphrey Yogurt ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wallace Shawn and Jean Smart, workplace buds vs. Candace Cameron as her own aunt via time comet ... Letters to Santa: The prop coin of Wallace Shawn from Episode #04 ... Overdetermined: "Every pair of shoes tells a story" vs. "You have to make decisions, but here's your determined fate" vs. "Pretty people are owed happiness" and "Take a risk by being a dick" ... Kidnap a guy ... Crossover: Mulholland Drive vs. Kickboxing Night at the Museum ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: No; but maybe talking to her dad; but DON'T BUY divine intervention ... The Leftovers: Firefighter weather control ... Vanishing taxis ... Heilmark or Reichsmark ... Luke Macfarlane's Tom Brady vibe ... Apartment dad jokes ... Two layers on in a two-horse open sleigh ... Most Inspiring Photo contest ... Lorem Ipsum songs ... Batman Returns ... Matt & Chloe app ... Spot the Second Black Person ... Ex-boyfriend Dan Bongino ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Good Ol' Shoe" by Edgar Winter • "Boogie Shoes," by KC and the Sunshine Band • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of the EXTRA HOT GREAT podcast return for 2018's THE WEDDING MARCH 3: HERE COMES THE BRIDE and: This beautiful gazebo ... THEME ... Christmas memories ... Gotti ... A soothing movie ... Weather and kiss failure ... Grownup conversations ... WHEN ARE THEY GETTING MARRIED??? ... Second-sequel energy ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Empty on Valentine's ... Spot the Angel: Duke reprise, Olivia's bullying mom, Johnny ... Duke on Stargate ... Duke's Lair, without comfort or sustenance ... Classic Lines: Stripper heels, no ass, manky wig, Julie's swimsuit modeling, a fashion designer in London, Nora and Olivia's identical fashion, Marvin Berry's blue suit, black bridesmaids' dresses, trying on the bride's dress, a chain store where royalty shops ... BREAK ... Mick's Music Update: Fake keyboard playing; not enough Wagner numbers; awful mixing, room tone and ADR; last-minute booking; repeated "surprise" takes; ducks callback ... Eat Your Heart Out: Frumpy midwestern food; clearing out the farmer's market; Julie's BS chef dreams; take a job anywhere; onions are really important; Julie smiling, wincing and leering; breaded loaves and gray meated loaves; have a breakup sandwich ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mick and Lori Loughlin share a sister, Duke may be Wallace Shawn, and Nora and Johnny shop at Garbage Store Mysteries ... Overdetermined: Men and women aren't the same (with shooting stars and Rockford music) vs. "early spring" themes vs. Francesca ... Crossover: Jack Wagner's The Sopranos vs. Julie's LA gap year vs. Swing revival bankruptcy ... Build-a-Buré Workshop: "Bastille Day" vs. "I Dos Svidaniya" vs. Olivia's Daughter's 30-year cold-feet wedding or Trent Brushwood meets Duke and the Penelope Device ... Penelope, the Alexa baby monitor that owns you ... "Play something fun to dance to" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechtel Test: Yes, but applying the test here is flawed ... The Leftovers: Zero-employee cleanup ... Julie stealing Duke's job ... Bonnie's childhood dream wedding ... "It's Bonnie! Your sister!" ... Wyatt died vs. the Wyatt budget ... #MeToo'd Wyatt ... "I'll be on the edge of the property" ... Non-white speaking actor! ... Grow a beard, Wagner ... Confinscated for the nuptials ... Julie's post-teen relationship advice ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me" by Jack Wagner • "Common Man," by Jack Wagner • "Burning Heart," by Survivor • "All I Need," by Jack Wagner • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

CHRIS COLLISION returns for FROZEN IN LOVE (2018) and: THEME ... Meet the Other Guys ... Title reminiscence ... The Gymkata trailer and All-In With Chris Hayes ... Rachael Leigh Cook/She's All That Appreciation Station ... Metropolitan shout-out ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: The Back to the Future reversal ... Plot cleanup ... A pretty good comedy! ... You must trust RLC ... Classic coffee demand in a Canadian library ... Incompetent hockey execs, plausible hockey scenes ... Lunatic laughter ... No sludgy plot middle ... Rom and a com, but not a romcom ... Normal, adult resolutions ... BREAK ... Journalismism: Wikipedia for Ice Hockey; New Yorker-style in media res; 'Claiborne Booted, Royals Rile Ref'; plagiarized National Post article; Integrity Media Group; Denver, Vermont; chocolate chip cookie Wikipedia BS; Mark Kurlansky Shade Station; upsetting books; grimmest book club in history; the word "colonialism"; PR charts and graphs; Derrida, Deleuze and Guattari ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Futzing with salad; bubble-free champagne; twice-baked potatoes; reasonable kitchens, pre-cut bread slabs; no-look kettle fill; no Dido budget ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christmas-romance bookstore vs. "Two Weeks" Garbage Store Murder vs. Janet, the Denver Royals and the PR firm in Dater's Handbook ... Adult baseball ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Not really overdetermined vs. "On the Same Page" and hockey/book fair underwriting vs. black-tie hockey enforcer apology surprise ending ... Crossover: Ten-years-on mumblecore workplace rumination vs. Rachael Leigh Cook's Sudden Death and Larry Bud Melman's Yosemite Sam vs. You've Got Arena! ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but novel ideation ... Finally honest with mom ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Solid penalty-killing, Make-A-Wish loser, solid 3 ...  BREAK ... The Leftovers: Decemberists B-side ... Wutherin' ... Social anxiety and alcoholism subtext ... RLC's concluding kissing scenes ... Get Carter ... Prospera Center and Quesnel Millionaires ... How does box-sliding help? ... Chokeslam: The Movie ... Bigger puck ... Possession metrics ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "She's All That Freestyle" • "Kiss Me," by Sixpence None the Richer • "3 Small Words," by Josie and the Pussycats • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • LINKS: Gymkata on All-In with Chris Hayes • Tom Keiser on Sudden Death

SARA KATE WILKINSON is back for CHRISTMAS AT THE PALACE and: How a Christmas movie ends ... THEME ... Present! ... Royalty and figure skating ... Well above average ... The Expositional Challenge: Will SK's streak continue? ... Brittany Bristow Appreciation Station ... Secondary plot almost stealing the show ... Elizabeth Reaser Apprectiation Station ... Andrew Cooper: handsome, accented, COPD ... End objectification ... BREAK ... Plug! ... SK's The Last Ship take ... Spot the Angel: Ghost fakeout goose egg ... San Senova's batsh*t founding legend and mythical astronomy ... Clutching a Rope Holding a Scope ... Grinch King vs. Christmas King ... Canceling on diplomacy for your teen ... Deposition via feet ... CORRECTION: The Battle of Jena was in 1806, and you'd think Jeb'd know this, since he wrote a term paper about it ... Abduct my daughter, please! ... Real talk, Kings, give money for Christmas, please ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Adorable Christmas cookies, Frankensteined leftover canapés ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Where is the Millers' farm? vs. Max Powers' overseas set and Gus Van Houten's casino empire ... The Netherlands Windmill Museum as an entire country ... Juddering camera ... His Majesty's putting green ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Jessica's plot recap vs. That Thing Your Mom Used to Say Medley ... Understudy BS ... Crossover: British boys' school handjob romp vs. Anne Hathaway/Julie Andrews backstabbing romp vs. Gymkata ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Rated 1 ... The Leftovers: King Arthur font ... Geometrically increasing garland ... Small ice rink, limited citizenship ... "You were so close" ... "Do we curtsey?" ... A family tradition of carrying the tree wrong ... Dr. Giggles ... BREAK ... Helen, Georgia and Mayor Cinnamon ... Rating: 4+ ... Notting Hill poach ... Oh no, no beau ... Date and Ruler of the Underworld and never say goodbye to a loved one again ... Slow-mo emo ... Sizzler ... San Senova Christmas Pageant DVD bonus ... Jump-cut stories and wordless walkoff blocking ... The Royal Marital Aids ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

NORTHERN LIGHTS OF CHRISTMAS (2018) rings in our new year with: Geraldine Somerville appreciation station ... Slacking on good movies, transcribing bad ones ... THEME ... Catching up ... A powerfully soporific movie ... Bread Alert ... Let's talk sourdough ... Not a freaky bread sicko ... Mr. Frodo, the sourdough starter ... "Oh, it's the water" ... Distracting from your own shortcomings ... BREAK ... Ashley Williams and Corey Sevier appreciation station ... Gosford Park ... More Michael Gambon murders wanted ... The Expositional Challenge: Easy! ... That reindeer was no angel ... How I Met Your Mother: Dad's complete sexual history; the en-loathsomed main character; Liberal Arts; Ashley Williams jobbed out; too charming for her lead ... The Seinfeld Conundrum ... Missing Anne Heche ... "Do you have a reindeer problem?" ... Missing the overprogrammed Christmas activities ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: It takes a village??? ... Malcolm Gladwell Sucks: An Interlude ... Eat Your Heart Out: One coffee point and a peppermint follow-up ... The Art Hindle Cronenberg gallery ... Binaca flan ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Zoey's charter flights for outbound Hallmark people ... Overdetermined: Everything is Gus vs. Bailing on the "fest" as a sales gimmick ... Crossover: David Mamet vs. Anne Heche ... The Swagony of Defeat: Is Zoey getting double miles? ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Like, probably yes, but also it's probably Ashley Williams' work ... Easy to get pumice ... Morel agita ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Cold vs. Not-Cold ... Dissonant wine bottles ... Lambrusco ... Secret cornflake cookies ... They're playing our song, "Joy to the World" ... Forgetting cape things ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SARA KATE WILKINSON is back to MINGLE ALL THE WAY and: There's an app for that ... THEME ... This made me crazy ... Title first, plot second ... 1 fake boyfriend, 1,000 plots, 3 meet-cutes ... The Expositional Challenge ... We'd use Mingle all the Way at least once ... Fake networking means fake boyfriend ... Keeping secrets by inviting people to family dinner ... Want some crepes, Beez? ... Jen Lilley a little "soap" big ... Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf-level hostile flirting ... Jeff likes trees ... Too much going on ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: None! ... Adorable texting ... Jeff doesn't read as too into Molly ... Eat Your Heart Out: HOUSE that cake, girl; peppermint latte; gallons of nog ... Lindsay Wagner's Tron house ... Dirk Benedict on the Love Boat ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Any of them, or Chicago ... Overdetermined: "Here's why YOU use your app" vs. "She's even funny" ... Extra Expanded Universe: Jeff making wreaths with Elle in "Christmas in Love" ... Crossover: It's Die Hard again ... Remembering the one POC from this movie ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 ... BREAK ... Swagony of Defeat: Keepin' it MOIST ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Nooope ... Jeff's insane rudeness about Molly's cooking ... The Leftovers: Bare chest Santa ... Desk plate ... "Our song" Silent Night ... Tinsel time is here again ... Decorating the office for Tyler ... BREAK ... Ghost snowball ... Molly's friend early-reveals the app ... Overrated nemesis exposure ... Marmalard-ass Brent ... Ruining drapes with trees ... Rating: 3 ... Lisa's also teaching me French ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's our Christmas episode! With 2018's WELCOME TO CHRISTMAS and: Worry about your driving ... THEME ... Let's talk about our Christmases! ... Going someplace colder than NYC to not do anything ... Little Rock, a place with a winter ... Cleaning before leaving ... Puddle of Mudd roadie day ... Lax-cooking relatives vs. cooking nerds ... Rope-a-doped into making dinner ... Cousin Dave ruins the demi-glace ... Avocado on sausage pasta: DIS-RE-SPECT-FUL ... Cemetery Man shout-out ... Baked pasta funeral vibe ... Look at you drinkin' nog ... Do your best and have fun ... Scandinavian sot suppe ... Half a century of fart jokes ... F*ckin' smelts ... Penis fish ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... Second-guessing the wisdom of giant corporations and unlimited growth ... Townsfolk embracing debate ... Decent jokes and callbacks ... Discount-incentivizing the ornament hunt ... Doc Hollywooding the stranger again ... Eric Mabius' chaste gender/sex ambivalence ... Interiority vs. Indifference ... Disconnected repartee and forced meaningful glances ... Honoring first responders ... UK cop costuming ... "Mabius, play Signed, Sealed and Delivered...and armed" ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angels, yes moppets ... Eat Your Heart Out: Normal cookies, normal coffee shop, eating like a trapped houseguest, where are the damn turkey legs and where's the damn ham? ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Eric Mabius' Signed, Sealed, Delivered gritty backstory vs. The Sweetest Christmas's sister city ... Overdetermined: Everything vs. A Christmas Carol, Haruki Murakami's Die Hard, and sister-on-sister guilt-tripping ... Crossover: A Groundhog Day of employment competency and a town cursed by permanent Christmas ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: A narrow pass limned by a woman's empty life ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Put some respect on that moppet (2) ... Partner Chat: Bailed for spreadsheets and chores ... The Leftovers: "It's Christmastown" ... Macho Man Umberto Eco ... Clownshow tree decorating ... BS Christmas tree lot "game" ... Spider egg sac Christmas tree ... Lorem Ipsum Christmas song ... Madison Gage ... Rating: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

Grab your chopsticks, it's won-ton soup time in 2016's THE MISTLETOE PROMISE, which vows: A frozen contract-honoring stupor ... THEME ... Centered-font intra-family legal brief ... Acknowledging the D-word ... We liked it! ... Real-life banter ... Anti-Andie MacDowell ... Is this something stupid you're doing? ... BREAK ... Doing it live: The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup: The Reindeer Report, disadvantaged kid travel, negging assistant, buddy Holly, angelic office assistant, lawyer sabotage, "I also know a cop" ... Adventures in the food court ... New York Fries, Boston Pizza, Boston Louts, Brahmin Pizza ... Mariachi carolers ... Figgy Pudding ... Corn Dog 7 ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No angels! ... Classic Lines: Jaime King looks terrific in everything; Audrey Hepburn nun; Clinton/Starfleet collar; costume diamonds/coffee sweetener; Luke Macfarlane's tie four inches above the belt; Stargate/Hallmark overlap; don't put Christmas trees on your overcoat ... Eat Your Heart Out: Won-ton soup with pickles; nipples of Venus; normal party; You Can't Duck Sauce on Television; champagne and hot-chocolate; kids watching adults for fun; The Sucky Plumber; champagne and candy canes; Skull and Bones; no one who chews Big Red could be bad ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Charity travel for low-tier Hallmark characters vs. Empire State hotel and running into Alicia Witt at the nut cart on an empty NYC street ... Overdetermined: Perhaps not overdetermined at all vs. rejecting Nick's kiss attempt ... Crossover: Bendini, Lambert and Locke vs. Richard Paul Evans' bleak and horrifying original novel of multiple vehicle fatalities ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Product placement assumed but not confirmed ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: A single person surrounded by satellites of man-obsession ... Partner Chat: The heads-I-win-tails-you-lose of the breadwinner/caretaker dichotomy expressed via who can be a romantic dumbass in the office; Jamie King's compelling life story; Hallmark's infantilizing expressions of female strength; "This is bananas"; the Ebert theory of judging by the movie's aim ... The Leftovers: Christmas tree landing ... Canadian interiors ... "Eccrou" ... Captain D's ... Santa fakeout ... Never selfie with ex-models ... The Ethics Crusader's ethics indifference ... Backseat skepticism ... Lochlyn Munro: Lesser Busey ... White Chicks ... Rating: 4 ... Champagne reprieve ... We're making duck! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Let's Go to the Mall," from How I Met Your Mother, performed by Cobie "Robin Sparkles" Smulders • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns a fourth time for THE NINE LIVES OF CHRISTMAS, the movie that spawned the theory that 9/11 never happened in the Hallmark universe and includes: Determined to be unique! ... THEME ... Good movie, cult fandom ... Kimberley Sustad appreciation station ... "Godwink" ... Immortal Kathie Lee Gifford ... The Expositional Challenge ... Old dads and twentysomething sons getting equally hot ... Trapper John, MD, Hunter, Falcon Crest, MacGyver ... Spot the Angel: Ambrose the Cat (not of Milan) ... Lousy with angels ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mangiamo's; gleaming rolls; Folger's Product (again); flat champagne; sliced bread; Mrs. Claus' candy-cane ice cream bucket; cute meet-cute; "horrible diarrhea"; dog food and taco shells; Taco Bell wrapper; antihistamines and poultry; just desserts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A snowless and normal place; least Christmasy Hallmark Christmas movie; Oregon-less Portland ... Wicked New England without 9/11 OR Tawmmy Brady ... Lovable firemen, male friendship network, and multitudinous women friends ... Humanesque universal innocency ... Alicia Witt clumsy-jogging into everyone ... Kimberley Sustad: Beautiful normal-looking person ... "She looks like a newscaster!" ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Determined; unexplained phobia; fireman dad; correctly firing Chekhov's guns; puma callback; model and pet-store heiress; ostentatious fire-truck PDA; trashing your "psychotic" girlfriend to another woman; escaping via smoke breaks ... Vogue toothpaste editorials ... Don't give the stranger your friend's address ... BREAK ... Crossover: No Superman references; Chicago Vet ... DICK WOLF ... Singing the Law & Order theme ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folgers Tubbb! and Wal-Mart bags and zero pet-food promotion ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Did it fail by a lot? ... My firefighter boyfriend lives in Canada ... Bogus as hell firemen calendar ... Neutered-but-horny Instagram firehouse cat ... Partner Chat: We haven't kissed, but do you want to live in my house? ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Marilee and Merrily ... Kelvina Picklesmith ... Evicted at the Angel Arms ... Hiding my cat in front of the bay window ... Flashing a BS badge ... Violating your fireman's oath ... Kimberley Sustad: She's my sister! She's my daughter! ... The best kind of pretty ... Roving Christmas party Santa ... Wife-as-handyman ... A shade of Marilee White ... ART THOU FORLORN??? ... Weird party excuse ... Beautiful in a fireman's coat ... Rating: 4.5 ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel • "Run Rudolph Run" by Chuck Berry • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnan

Idolator founding editor MAURA JOHNSTON joins us for MARIAH CAREY'S feature directorial debut in 2015's A CHRISTMAS MELODY and: Andy Daly in the Hallmark universe ... Camptown Races ... THEME ... Maura's Christmas bona fides ... Mariah Carey and Long Island Christmas ... "All I Want for Christmas Is You" ... Idolator shout-out ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Are homeless Santa and janitor Santa the same Santa? ... "Oh Santa!" in the movie ... Mariah Carey's extreme filters ... Manicure closeup ... Mariah's Seagal-esque immobility ... Palanquin-heavy live show ... Mariah's accidental auteur directorial style ... Christmasy live show ... First bad review in high school ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Over in 44 seconds ... Eat Your Heart Out: Give peas a chance; dead-cat-bouncing gluten-free jokes; Saved by the Bell; Luke Danes reprise again ... Brennan Elliott dragging huge chemistry out of Lacey Chabert ... Mariah Carey 70's auteur ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chabert's intense high school football rivalry with Summer in the City, Ohio vs. Stars Hollow again ... Actually shot in Ohio ... Mariah's Inland Empire ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Hoist by the Mean Girl petard; mom makes your clothes; schizophrenic consumerism; twinkling engagement ring from dentist husband; "I'm in charge, remember?"; watching for comeuppance; Long Island bustin' out with sport-parenting; track suits; name sewed on your jeans; Skyline chili; relentless harping music cues; the Santa-song wish reasoning ... Crossover: Carol Kane Glitter-punching on slappers only; "It's the Jets game!" vs. Everlasting with Brennan Elliott; Unreal shout-out ... "Man in Car" in "Life Is a Highway" ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's presents: Tubbb! ... Stunod! It is Stacker 2 ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably??? ... The Leftovers: G-rated dance face smack ... Valid Christmas tree market ... Sudden stalker male lead ... Chabert and separate filming micro-climates ... BREAK ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 5, but variable ... Squickily vampy preteen daughter performance ... Dubbed "Oh Santa!" and useless accompanist piano ... Oh, Georgia, you're so popular ... Chabert: Precocious 10-year-old at 30 ... The AAH Group ... Sudden potential body-switching comedy ... They never add the extra plot ... Rating: 3 ... Hello to Kathy Najimy! ... Ego death with Mariah ... Mariah video comps ... Spinal Tap limo driver ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "My City Was Gone" by The Pretenders • "Bloodbuzz, Ohio" by The National • "Life Is A Highway" by Tom Cochrane • "Georgia" from Music For Sleeping Children • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • Check out stills from the movie here! 

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns a third time for Countdown to Christmas Four in CHRISTMAS IN LOVE, with: I'll make the Wiki ... THEME ... Hallmark Graceland and Elvis sandwiches ... Christmas decorations: before Pearl Harbor Day? ... Balsam Hill: the ornaments your decorator buys ... Appropriate decoration density ... Hot Take: Cute, and it's good ... Adults with real motivation ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... Seamless ... At Christmastime, but not really about Christmas ... "Quality Time" vs. quality time ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Again: a good movie ... A sane and adult quit ... A proudly pro-labor movie ... Roasting "learn to code" ... Fixing a dopey heir ... Technology as not-magic ... Basically real people ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: [No Actual Angel] ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kringle familiarity; what else do you make?; BobbyBigWheel shout-out; iced-out cookies; diner culture; booze bag ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Brendan Routh crossover vs. Brooke D'Orsay doppelgängers ... Marc Blucas ... Overdetermined: There really isn't anything vs. the skeleton of another Hallmark movie beneath this flesh ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Christmas crafts vs. year-round product diversity ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Hideous wreaths ... Open ex-boyfriend ... Borderline kiss on the cheek ... A woman-initiated kiss! ... It stayed on the right side ... No hairnet, great hair ... Elf outfit ... Good male costuming ... I thought you'd never ask me to help you write a business plan ... Drunk honor student ... Human in crisis ... One error: selective disbelief ... They don't lay off HR ... "It's his job to protect the town" ... Rating: 4.5 ... LinkedIn Sara Kate ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "A Real Hero" by College & Electric Youth • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Marianne

Sweeten that studio magic, it's 2018's IT'S CHRISTMAS, EVE, featuring LeAnn Rimes and: One-year-anniversary gift of the magi ... Malaise forever! ... Scouting Report: Young Werther ... Casey Kasem ... Premature rating ... THEME ... Always Christmas/always New Year's Eve ... Pastiche of pastiches ... LeAnn Rimes: Dead-weight energy and stone face ... Junket/glad-handing impatient demeanor ... Thoroughly even keeled ... LeAnn doing original songs is originality enough ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Proactive dad with a website ... Original music ... Belted-out studio vocal track ... 100 percent *valid* Christmas tree lot ... Bantering dialogue like a table read ... Uneven emotional engagement ... Undermining degrees of Chandler-from-Friends spin ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Abby or, everyone but Eve ... Checking in with Hallmark sponsor Country Living Magazine: Maple Ridge or Chilliwack? ... Roving superintendent of schools ... Just try raising taxes, buttheads ... Just ADMIT that life has value outside of cash and quantification ... Jeremy Bentham and Karl Marx ... Eat Your Heart Out: Popcorn vat at A Christmas Carol vs. overdoing the hot chocolate ... Foreign currency jokes ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every town vs. Larry Walker's hometown ... Overdetermined: Abandoning music since dad died vs. "small towns come together" ... An "Up in the Air" agent of austerity and unintentional villainy ... Crossover: Dangerous Minds vs. Up in the Air ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Ughhhhhhh, screw it, you tell us ... Partner Chat: "If you watch that, you'll get sick" vs. Matthew Perry vibe and Celebs With No Eyebrows dot Com ... LeAnn Rimes eyebrow chat ... Don't pee ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Letterman chat ... Love Actually, again ... "Idiot Control Now" ... "We're a Panabaker household" ... Bingo Jones ... Latin Anniversary ... Wyatt and Tate ... Jeb worked at a Hallmark store ... And Duck Head ... Homes SMOTHERED in merchandising ... Hitting the Snodgrass ... Laremy Tunsil shout-out ... Emoting your way to guitar godhood ... That ain't how pageloads work ... Spot the Charlie's Angel hairstyle ... RATING: 2.5 ... Dusty Baker, Panabaker ... Merry Christmas! ...  • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "The Stars and Stripes Forever," by John Philip Sousa • "You and Me and Christmas" by LeAnn Rimes • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

KAREN GEIER is cookin' in our dang kitchen for 2018's CHRISTMAS JOY and: Rap game gingerbread ... Affected by Christmas on a German level ... Caganer: The Catalan pooping figurine ... I got a capon guy ... "Do y'all eat loons?" ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot cleanup ... What's sexier than a widower? ... Ersatz America without flavor ... A sorority recruitment video, but for marriage ... Department store in a train station ... An absence of egregious lines ... Spot the Angel: The Primum Mobile Aunt; rainmaking department store owner; Ben, a welter of self-abnegation ... Omnipresent stalker material ... Eat Your Heart Out: Insane ingredient list, barrels of milk, La Mansione, non-functional log kitchen, "Dirty Cookies," unclear about the terms of the cookie crawl, thawing cookies in a snow-covered barn, amazing Kitchen Aid mixer guy, communal labor ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Rocky Mountains of Georgia, Cartwright's vs. Weatherton's, a Lacey Chabert joint ... Overdetermined: Insane quit at the embarrassing gala showdown; 99 percent of city life is insanely boring; we here in small towns live in small towns; still "hitched" to being in Crystal Falls ... Crossover: Joy as a Scandinavian homicide cop vs. an Unseen Anne Hathaway movie vs. the gritty reboot of CITY WIFE ... Christmas in hospitals is terrible ... Doing Christmas drugs ... Wife absorbed alive by house ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: The "Wonderfold" Christmas diorama; conspicuous iPhone/MacBook placements; Southern Living cover shot; Balsam Hill Christmas ornaments; crappy-ass mosaic ornament ... German motivational abuse ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Insanely restrictive gingerbread competition ... Gettin' that d-ring binder ... Love letter to retail ... Prop master's mom photo ... WEAR A HAIRNET ... Mrs. Weatherton's paying for lies ... I love Gabrielle Rose, and one day we'll be together ... Cyber is the future ... "Love Actually" as the ultimate Hallmark movie ... Carolina Panthers Stadium in gingerbread ... RATING: 3, leaning higher ... MyDang.Kitchen ... Fight against recipes prefaced with personal stories ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Tit for Tat "Ain't No Taking Back" by James Brown • "Tears" by Giorgio Moroder • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CLICK HERE FOR STILLS WE DISCUSSED FROM THE MOVIE.

Fascism and criticism abound in the bleak first entry of 2018's Countdown to Christmas, CHRISTMAS AT PEMBERLEY MANOR, including: "In Puke of Lost Turds" by Marcel Poops ... Sigmund Freud vs. The Wolfman ... THEME ... Beautiful and handsome ... A bad movie, it's very bad, folks, many people are saying it ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Seth MacFarlane joke of a plot ... The market cynicism of fan-fiction ... Santa Claus in Pride and Prejudice ... Every actor in a tonally different movie ... Names matched up and nothing else ... Jane Austen's Travis ... Jeb's fanboying the 1995 A&E/BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries ... Chemistry void over the children's party ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Kristopher Klaus on granddad patrol ... Class-blind, accentless and Yeager-like ... The Right Stuff for Christmas ... Desaturated June in the Upside-Down ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cookies, again; two performances unconnected and side-by-side ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Like a movie a Hallmark character would watch in a Hallmark movie ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: All or nothing, busybody Santa, expository gofer ... Travis: Nazi or CPAC attendee or? ... Crossover: Pride and Prejudice and Pride and Prejudice ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Absolutely not ... Steven Root's Partner Chat: Michael Rady appreciation; Pemberley Manor, the 2,500 sq. foot house; "Oh, how I long for a ____"; phoning in your fanfic ... BREAK ... A Brief Interlude About Anti-Semitism and Lou Dobbs, including: This is still a game for them; a "ZOG" bomb on Fox News; fan-service for people who love racist implications; ignoring harm to people you can't conceive of as human; Lou Dobbs poisoning your grandma; a world without backtrack or apology; "Fascism! I'm gonna live forever!" ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Elaine Hendrix's fantastic eyebrows ... Holiday cheer on your own time, ladies ... Michael Rady, professional baleful gazer ... Darcy emotionally toying with The Sad Mayor ... Binders are people, my friend ... I am Serious Mayor, this is Serious Festival ... The Hamsterdam of egg nog ... A satisfying moment of Lowndes puttin' on the melisma ... Ah, I see you're reading WESTERN literature ... Pretending you're cold in June ... Pump-thermos coffee ... Tony Shalhoub, listen to this episode ... Lady, it's a porch ... Manufactured quit and three-way quit ... A terrible one-sided phone call ... Mayor Wickham's execution lever ... Rating: 1 ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "2 Become 1," by The Spice Girls • "Reel Ten" by The Plugz • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

It's 2015's PORTRAIT OF LOVE and time for Logan Echolls to: Pour water on your own damn computer ... THEME ... A Chopped basket of movies ... What are you even acting well in? ... The Expositional Challenge: Failed! ... Corbin Bernsen shot this in 30 minutes ... Street-legal sushi ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Jess, first among equals; birthing replacement customers for Stan's diner; maximum child acting; biking while sobbing; a busybodying "force of nature"; everyone in town has nothing in their lives but Luke and April ... Eat Your Heart Out: Alex Jones uncovers the truth about Stars Hollow; ice cream and liquids; giant salad tongs with pasta; Dave's Gilmore Girls ignorance/inheritance ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's Inverse Heisenberg principle; the town at the center of the Hallmark universe; no movie summaries on Wikipedia; Luke's time-comet time paradox-based breakup ... Overdetermined: Relentless "telling, not showing" placeholder text vs. Luke's fear of failure and April's fear of abandonment ... My Wife The Innings Eater, or: The casual disposability of dead Hallmark spouses ... BREAK ... Crossover: When Star's Hollow's Stars Hollow it's Stars Hollow; Harry Hamlin, Milo Ventimiglia and Enrico Colantoni star in "The Harrowing"; Jess Franco's Stars Hollow ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes early, racing toward no at the end; I get it, French class ... Partner Chat: Jigsaw hooky; Kate shuts the door; Hallmark's bizarro art world ... The Leftovers: April's terrible Luke portrait photo, BLUE THUNDER / WHITE LIGHTNING ... Freejack reference ... Maximo Munzi ... "Brandeis" ... Not smelling clay, thinking clay ... Science fair volcano ... Hallmark presents: Lobsterfest ... Date pickup at ex's house ... Wings take dream ... Rating: 2 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Where You Lead," by Carol King • "Halley's Waitress" by Fountains of Wayne • "Love the One You're With" by Crosby, Stills and Nash • "Caterpillar (Rabbit in the Moon Remix)" by DJ Keoki • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

SIMON MALOY helps us get a *little* mean and Dave gets a little tanked for ALL THINGS VALENTINE and: Simon's Hallmark bona fides ... What channel is your Hallmark Channel next to? ... One Dobbs makes you larger ... Does Simon secretly have a Quiverfull family? ... Pie chat ... A darkness in our nation ... The loneliness of getting mad online ... Maybe the corrosiveness of online IS the moral? ... The begged questions of a universe where real tragedies are: Re-gifting, Valentine's scrooges ... The perceived passivity of hegemonic politics, and it was only SEVEN dates ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Supersized! ... Batting cleanup: Gentlemanly moppet, dad's "Not All Men" advice, Kit and Pru's wholesome loving counterpoint ... Dave liked it; Simon's dislike starts melting under trope knowledge; Jeb praises the actors' work with a story of a loathsome troll ... Chatting with your friends about cyberbullying ... BREAK ... Journalismism: When the advice columnist is the marquee player; Managing Editor James Gammon; BOTH platforms; "The Coach"; investigating your own comments section; mods?; DOXING YOUR OWN COLUMNIST to expose her to a troll; an editor failing to exploit first-person suffering; College Mascot Lame-Off! ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: McKenna, the unloved (always female) facilitator who eats sh*t for other people's happiness vs. token moppet Tony Bolognese ... You wanna see my grandma's canary? ... Alex Jones Presents Tony Baloney's Eat Your Heart Out: Fondue montage; that's not caramelizing; the most erotic moment in a Hallmark movie to date (strawberry eating); Le Chocolaterie; I AM LISA THE CONFECTIONER; "There are some dinner rolls"; endlessly loading food; El Adobe and juiciest tacos; apologies for "the juiciest taco"; "These burritos remind me of parental abandonment!" ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas-tree metaphor lady from The Mistletoe Inn vs. Hearts of Spring and All Things Valentine in a town of internet-tormentor couplings ... Overdetermined: Brendan's needless viciousness and advice-ignoring and "well, actuallying" vs. Making Brendan read the column telling McKenna to break up with him vs. Valentine's Day as "trauma," and high school dares ... Kit, the actually nice guy ... Avery's totally unsympathetic gender-defending father ... BREAK ... Crossover: Kit stars in "Alphabet City" or as Jeffrey Combs in The Frighteners vs. You've Got Mail meets The War of the Roses vs. Dave's a goldbricker! ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Avery WOULD pass with flying colors, but her career/family discussions are about the Valentine's holiday ... Howell Raines ... Idiot editor, but at least multicultural casting ... Leftovers: "That cat paid for my education" ... Hey, did I ever tell you about this traumatic experience? ... NFL coaches we'd rather see doing an advice column ... Jeb's petty typo ... Brendan: child-labor victim, Stockholm-syndrome oppressor sympathizer, rentier-class exploiter ... Tony Baloney just KILLING a Valentine's note ... "Thank you for coming to see my grandmother's canary" ... Tony Bologn, unbelievable ... RATING: 3 ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "U-Mass," by The Pixies • "Land of 1,000 Dances" by Wilson Pickett • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4

TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING of Previously.tv and the Extra Hot Great podcast return for The Wedding March 2: Resorting to Love and have to realize that: The White House has a leak, needs a plumber! ... The Melman wedding ... THEME ... Wedding marching again and getting predictions wrong ... What catalogue is this like leafing through? ... Leaning into the problems of the first movie ... Canadian Fred Weller ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... Wyatt (an heir who goes to STATE, by the way) ... Wagner's 110% effort, especially on dad paranoia ... Just exploit Wyatt already ... Mick's suicidal business plan ... Insufficient Duke ... A cappella warmup with the movie's single ... Mick and Olivia's INSANE celibacy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Wyatt vs. Bridezilla vs. Mick and Olivia as mutual angels ... Classic Lines: Jack Wagner's useless disguise; chaste styles a couple cycles behind; bad rehearsal dinner hair; improved Josie Bissett wig; Ann Taylor loft, for sure; obscuring Bissett's enviable figure; Starburst-ass bowties; ill-fitting wedding gown; Bissett meets Warhol; fuchsia blazer, fuchsia shirt; dressing like Dianne Feinstein; *Seven Mary Three voice* Cumberbund; not a fan of the bund ... BREAK ... Plugs ... Eat Your Heart Out: Romantic dinner without romance; watered down wine; what the fuck was that wedding???; scattershot bridezilla; personalized ice sculptures; huge 34-person wedding; personalized cakes; cucumber-infused water ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Duck veterinarian; neighboring set visit; editors always editing; children's book editor from Magical Christmas Ornaments; Paul Greene and Erika Christensen's poached fried chicken ... Overdetermined: Hallmark can't mock crazy-elaborate weddings even as it needs to; badgering a husband who clearly regressively doesn't care; a doormat for every ballbreaker; angry at upselling; drone incompetence; Mick and Olivia pick a proxy fight ... The Blowjob Question ... Crossover: You've Got Mail (which sucked! and the evil people won!) vs. Better Call Saul scamming vs. Eating victim ... BREAK ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Completely no or ALMOST completely no ... Rating: 3, frequently baffled, never bored, too bridezilla'd ... More drones ... Leftovers: Special Marriage Dale Cooper ... Blake Shelton ... Melrose crossover, no McDonald's ... Double booking Univac ... Hugging your innkeeper ... Clip-art wedding logo and butt pendant ... Stanning for wallpaper ... His ass remains young ... Teaching "sha na na na na na" to your students ... We're marching back for #3! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "You and Me," by Jack Wagner • "Lighting Up the Night" by Jack Wagner • "Drivin' Miss Daisy" by Jack Wagner • "All I Need" by Jack Wagner • "Audrey's Dance" by Angelo Badalamenti • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3

DESI JEDEIKIN of the Hollywood Crime Scene podcast self-censors for Love on Safari (2018), Jeb mispronouncing "ukuthula" and: Jeb f*cking up an intro ... Desi is custom-made for Lifetime Original Movies ... Whipsawing male emotions in a waiting room ... Publix ... The Expositional Challenge ... A web marketer who never hustles ... Leading man resting-sneer face ... "Make the elephant go viral" ... Scottsdale vs. Swimming with sharks ... Falling in love with a large inheritance ... Grandmotherly Chabert kiss ... Spot the Angel: The "magical negro" vs. the selfless stepsister ... Creeping a Hallmark director's Instagram ... REAL South Africa, not just British Columbia ... Flowers in the Attic ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vanishing chef, ample iced tea, cookies cookies cookies ... Eating while your feet are in a damn pool ... Invite Desi to a white party ... Ice hotel ... Classic Lines: The stiffest cardigan, Fat Martin Shkreli's Miami Vice Cartel Collection and feckless villainy, The Linda Ronstadt Safari Catalog, sweaters in the heat, stilettos in gravel ... Hallmark Extended Universe: Benson LLC and the Radcliffe Center again ... Overdetermined: Don't be afraid to take risks, "you've changed since you've been here," "getting lost means finding the path" and when the theme song is the movie title ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: Hearts of Darkness ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: The romance/preserve plots are self-defeating ... Leftovers: Chancery! Papyrus! Fonts! ... Romcom capery music colliding with deleted-scene Lion King music ... Desi researches message boards ... An insane Toto grievance ... An African proverb about redundancy ... The love of my life Brad ... Identifying local stakeholders ... Six guests, one soul handshake and Papyrus again ... White vacationers' imperialist awakenings ... Rating: 2 (The Softest Cheese) ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "George of the Jungle Theme," by Stan Worth and Sheldon Allman • "Grazing in the Grass" by Hugh Masekela • "Tusk (Extended Version)" by Fleetwood Mac • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #1 • Follow Desi here!

SARA KATE WILKINSON returns to exquisitely loath The Mistletoe Inn and: The world's worst writing metaphor ... THEME ... Sara Kate hates the movie and the lead ... NOT a crush on Alicia Witt ... Too nuanced an actress to nail broad antic/slapstick (still not a crush) ... David Alpay nod ... The Expositional Challenge: Pseudonymous Revenge ... 9/11 non-existence and surprise plane tickets ... A Scandinavian Doubletree ... A whole movie of "that's not a thing" ... Residence Inn outside, Holiday Inn lobby, office building rooms ... Accidentally authentic conference alienation ... Who runs this conference and for whom? ... What is this writing competition??? ... Snow dementia ... Spot the Angel: Each other's angels, or Sam ... Flawed tweed/male-writer subplot ... HT Cowell should work for Brazzers ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lifelong preemptive quitter vs. Christmas-themed and writer cocktails vs. Nut cart vs. Crepe cart vs. Hotel clown show vs. Turkey roast! vs. SO rude ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Boutique Christmas-romance publisher vs. News frolic vs. Same main street ... Overdetermined: Stakes reminder vs. Shattered keynote speaker vs. "Take a risk!" vs. INSANE breakup clip vs. When your rounding error correction is a round error vs. EVERYTHING ABOUT WRITING IS WRONG ... Crossover: Sara Kate's Queen Latifah pull vs. Turkish Stephen King/In the Mouth of Christmas vs. Defeat ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, but yes. Partner Chat: Wrongly equating success with self, candle continuity ... Hotel Leone trutherism: taller than the Chrysler Building, wall AC units, stores and spaces in Vancouver's historic Sinclair Center, Sam should be HT Cowell, INSANE SUICIDE PROLOGUE, Insufficient motivation ...  Leftovers: CHRISTMAS. TREE. LOT. FUNDA. MENTALS ... Alicia Witt: Unnatural runner, natural 3/4 arm slot ... Team Rude ... So f*ck you, Edith Wharton ... Nutcracker ... Rating: Tangy and Unsettling ... We did it! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "New Word," by Alicia Witt and "About Me," by Alicia Witt • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #7 • Follow Sara Kate here!

ROBERT WHEEL uses his potty mouth to announce which children are sick and which are goldbrickers in 2017's Magical Christmas Ornaments, and tends to: Mort, the original gangster ... Bobby to Hallmark: Dreck, Blecch! ... The Expositional Challenge ... A Hallmark podcast talking about podcasts in Hallmark ... How SHORT could this movie be? ... Tiny Tim and Medical Urchinosis ... Office hospital ... Munchausen by Christmas ... Small kitchen, large vermin ... Spot the Angel: Mom or ornament? ... Refreshing Tim Matheson ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bobby goes for the X rating, cookie-speared cupcake, gingerbread Groupon ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Children's book publishing vs. The Real Housewives vs. Ina Bruckner's revenge ... Danica McKellar, please fight Dave ... Overdetermined: Ornamental lingering vs. Quentin Tarantino's "Feet" vs. exhausting exposition ... Crossover: Poltergeist ornaments vs. exhausted archetypes vs. Bringing Out The Dead ... Breslin radio ... Bourbon bastard bro writer ... The Swagony of Defeat: Surprisingly modest for a product-placement movie, Sanibel Island geography, hot pants, Jesus Christ ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: So I Married An Axe Murderer; architectural quibble; HIPAA ... WASP Ken Marino or Canadian Luke Wilson? ... Ken Marino, please wrestle Dave ... Leftovers: Dave, fight Michael Bublé ... More on Hallmark's bizarre proto-Marxism ... Oh hai, Dickens ..."The Time of Our Lives": The Facebook post of a barely literate divorcé ... Rating: 2 • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Gingerbread Man (Instrumental)" by Gucci Mane • "Whoa, Girl (Just Boobin')" by Kidd Luv (feat. Johnny Boob) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #5 • Follow Bobby here!

Well, folks, you heard it here first: Memes are the answer to life’s biggest problems, namely our current political mess. Who knew? Well, we did, actually. That’s why we asked Drew Fairweather, an internet comedian who faked a Mueller indictment filled with mentions of shit-posting and stupid memes, on this week’s show. We’ve also got an interview with Scotty Loewen of Austin-area band the Blistering Speeds. In a rather counterintuitive move, he’s quitting Facebook right as his band puts out a new album. Yikes. Plus, memes of the week!

JAY W. FRIEDMAN and CHRIS COLLISION of IDEOTV get incredible value with Garage Store Mysteries: Murder By Text (2017) and: Dual Hallmark noobs ... Lori Loughlin Recognition Station ... Movies for people in the kitchen ... Papyrus credits ... Cozy mystery love ... Older actresses, missed faces ... The Expositional Challenge ... Drunk/mumblecore husband ... Condo-blocking dad ... Sarah Strange: Great actress, bad C-plot ... I am under your sink, look at all these crystals ... How was this as a mystery? ... Don't remind audiences of better works ... John Bender's Dad's Garage Stain Mysteries ... Spot the Criminal: Manager, city planning at sea, overthinking, budget Breckin Meyer, can't make the POC the killer ... Eat Your Heart Out: Donut or bear claw?, sex omelette, giant mom wineglass, pander or empathy?, parental cooking shade ... Bumper-clowned by your daughter ... Contractor foiled by stickers ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Janeway Holodeck episodes, fired under an assumed name at Cartwright's ... Overdetermined: Christie/Conan Doyle callbacks/misquotes, junk store security clearance and tour shopping, "True To You" overemphasis, active imagination and a flash drive ... Crossover:  Developer Dad starts a Ski School, Dalton Riverdale, Ditech Detective's World of Humiliation, Dalton's Road House ... DALTON Chat ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: "Garage Rock Mystery: Murder by Skank" ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Flying colors, but with Bud Bundy-Level brother work ... Leftovers: One of the least plausible live-music depictions possible ... Where's the real noose, the voided bowers and the petechial hemorrhaging? ... Wiseass mortician ... Hijab via Laura Ashley ... Animated vs. Brooding Loughlin ... Contractors LOVE historical designations ... Drunk, Boomhauer-ass dad ... Half-Stalloned, unemployed secret construction detective ... Dad detective ... Fake Google ... Getting watched watching Hallmark ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Watching the Detectives" by Elvis Costello • "The Ghost Who Walks" by Karen Elson • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #4 • Click to listen to Chris, Jay and Jeb discuss "The Way of the Shadow Wolves."

KEITH BUCKLEY, author and lead singer of Every Time I Die joins us for 2016's Dater's Handbook and: Giambis ... REO Speedwagon ... They shoot Go-Go's, don't they? ... Rick Derringer, BOC and Nas memories ... The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle ... Royal wedding/Hallmark crossover ... Food snitching: UNFORGIVABLE ... Artistic Hallmark ... Mindwarped by Lifetime ... The Duchess does ALL her own stunts ... Meghan Markle is good ... Jarred by emotional realness ... The Expositional Challenge ... Dr. Susie ... Cocktail dresses, winter rain ... G-rated racy ... "Negging" funny-guys ... Pigtail pulling and desire without sex ... Lifetime: Nothing Is Safe ... Nerf tension ... Never get upset ... Spot The Angel: Wedding children, romcom atheism and David Duke's sister ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner in Oz, snitches get stitches, Keith would NOT marry the Duchess of Sussex, PASTRIES, authentic Bennigan's, thankless wings ... Good sports! ... Duane Laimbeer redux ... Meet your own Shmoiz ... Allergic and Unaware of It ... 100% subordinate failure rate ... The Devner Broncos ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Christian postal detectives vs. yoga pants ... Overdetermined: Lampshading Uber Alles vs. Handbook formatting vs. Dater's Handbook thinking, Meet 'n' greet bullshit ... "He's A Killer 4" ... Wine Clown George: Too stuffy for middle management, kinda My Fair Lady, still kinda Keith's boy ... The Swagony of Defeat: Free lampshading with Prime ... Hallmark Bechdel Test: No, absolutely not ... Partner Chat: Cocktail dress, toddler party; Canadian brother; a family divide on embracing linear sincerity ... Rating: 5 stars ... Goodbye to Keith ... Leftovers: Real athletico ... Hal-9000's dinner suite ... Chekhov's Chicken Wing ... John Galt and the Affordable Atlas Shrugged ... Kristoffer Polaha's rescuing wryness ... Pants Spumone ... Jive-ass putt-putt ... "George's uptightness" duel ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult • "In A Gadda Da Vida," by Iron Butterfly • "Take It on the Run," by REO Speedwagon • "Third and Wrong" by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne. • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #3 • GET KEITH'S NEW BOOK HERE.

TREVOR "HEGELBON" STRUNK, host of the No Cartridge podcast joins us for 2017's Eat, Play, Love and: Veterinary Professionals' Day! ... Hallmark spousal osmosis ... Sneaky weirdness ... We Rate Dogs: The Movie ... Wisdom by tchochke ... The Expositional Challenge... Very relatable dog-related senior citizen B-plot ... Sexless chat with the pair Most Likely to Get Married ... Peppy ponytail guy, sans ponytail ... Gymboree Club Fed, for dogs ... Emotionally constipated time-travel paradox ... College: The #1 mistake ... Dave's Theory of Hallmark Estrangement Stasis ... Breakup without conflict, reconciliation without effort or apology ... Spot the Angel: Ice cream Michelle vs. Beasley's increasing dog calamities ... Classic Lines: Trendy elementary school glasses, overalls, bad sweaters, comfortable Lindsay Wagner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Crepes? It's crepes!; salad sauce; steak 'n' cantaloupe; "I have so many flavors right now" ... Insulting or pandering? ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Kristi's informercial and Christmastown romance; Tulipomania! ... Overdetermined: Carly's closing "Ich bin ein this dog" speech; dog emotional projection; Kristi's evil; found in a ditch; Beasley knows who loves you ... Build-A-Buré Workshop: A Princess Declawed... Hallmark Bechdel Test: Nope ... Partner Chat: Sharing a story is good, the movie not as much; ad-libbed Twitter bio ... Mike Francesa on Twitter ... Leftovers: It's A Dog's Life With Union Carbide ... Hot or cold? ... The Canine Connector ... Shopping montage ... Plugs and Internet Badboy Jesse Farrar ... It's not Hall of Fame, Veterans Committee, it's not Hall of Fame! ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Want It," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Walking the Dog," by Rufus Thomas • "Wait You Dog," by Mabel John • "The Dog," by Rufus Thomas • "Dog Police," by Dog Police • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #9 • Opening and closing interstitial music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne.  

SARA KATE WILKINSON joins us for 2016's Summer in the City and: Her beautiful mind ... Hey, buddy ... A strangely mature romcom written by a teen (City Girl, Part 2) ... Plot in 60 Seconds... Can't ride bike, can drive commercial truck ... 9/11 Didn't Happen in the Hallmark Universe ... Is it conspiracy, oversight or taste? ... When Manhattan's Manhattan ... The one-chord difference between Hallmark and Lifetime ... Classic Lines: "Smurf Strangulation: An Ann Taylor Loft Mystery" ... The niece theory of wearing everything ... Goth gaucho pants ... It ends with cocaine ... Stately Natasha Henstridge ... Spot the Angel: Old Testament Maniac ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Women Laughing At Salad"; Cincinnati chili, the boldest dietary date move; DiGiorno-ass pizza; Food Doctor Desert Storm; Phil's Target-Rich Eats ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Pam's back-home omni-movie; Did Hallmark's rudest ingenue have sex mid-film?; Christie Burke and Marla Sokoloff Appreciation Station ... The Bullock/Cusack Test: Accidental menace cut with "fear of New York" ... The quitter moment ... Overdetermined: "How DARE you encourage me, The Insane Quitter" vs. "Drug Addicted White Slaver" vs. The Expanse vs. Lifetime Creep ... Crossover... Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Partner Chat: Peppa Pig, don't roast The Gap, implied fringe, Mother Goose Club ... Leftovers!: Fake Google spotted ... Online presence, no store ... VIRTUAL REALITY ... What were you doing with your dream, Taylor? ... Cleaning the rummage room in a non-9/11 reality ... Cookie bait again ... Unironic Kimmy Schmidt ... Chili/Cuban reprise ... Amblin' divas ... Unrelated implied women's cult ... Rental snob ... Two listings and out ... LYLAS! ... MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "If U Wan tIt," from Cyber-Vision, by Drew Fairweather • "Cities in Dust" by Siouxie and the Banshees • "Blood Bitch," by Cocteau Twins • "Happy House," by Siouxie and the Banshees • "The Movement of Fear," by Tones on Tail • ESPN NFL Primetime Theme #8 • Opening and closing interstitial music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne.

Hi! It's time for a quiz - let's find out how Tory Dave is.  Dan poses some ethical dilemmas. The new Labour Party leadership take a stand on pizza topping. And The Daniel Blakification of New Zealand's social services.  We break down more doors than that kid on the BBC. Plus, more from that book... Links: David Slack on the state of housing Laura McQuillan on gender/generation stereotypes Stephanie Rogers, Morgan Godfrey & Eric Crampton on RNZ re raising the super age Drew Fairweather on This Week In Atrocity Bumper music: Mark Lanegan Band - Beehive The Jam - Eton Rifles Crystal Fairy - Crystal Fairy Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy Tom Waits - Lie to Me And because I forgot to list last week's episode's bumper music, it was; Anderson .Paak - Come Down The Clean - Tally Ho Shaggy - It Wasn't Me Supergroove - Can't Get Enough

Intro Gulp ... Talking to an artist who's hustled on the internet forever ... Places where you can buy recycled pornography ... "Too Drunk To Fuck at the Centers for Disease Control" ... You are your search results ... Content creator: Public Libraries ... Your Tumblr friends are ghosts ... Making the nicest case for Patreon...