Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from the the anxieties of the real world and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free fantasy world that exists only on the Hallmark Channel. Every week, give or take, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wed…
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The Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean podcast is a delightful and hilarious show that brings together former Secretary Robert McNamara, Alex Jones, Casey Kasem, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, and Mike Francesa to discuss Canadian character actors falling in love with former child actresses while saving hotels and bringing back festivals outside of Vancouver and Ontario, CA. Although I have never actually seen a Hallmark movie, this podcast provides top-notch analysis of the genre in an entertaining and insightful way. Hosts Jeb Lund and David J Roth break down the tropes, performance reviews, and even explore the relationship of the films to food. The chemistry between the hosts, along with occasional color commentator Sara Kate, makes it a joy to listen to.
One of the best aspects of this podcast is the excellent comedic timing and wit of Jeb Lund and David J Roth. Their banter and humorous commentary on the Hallmark movies adds a level of entertainment that keeps listeners engaged throughout each episode. The inclusion of guests such as Bl. Pat Blanchfield adds even more depth to the discussions.
Another great aspect is how the hosts appreciate not only the surface-level elements of these movies but also delve into more nuanced performances and plot points that only experienced analysts would notice. Their ability to dissect these films in a smart yet light-hearted manner allows for a deeper appreciation of the genre.
However, one potential downside is that this podcast focuses solely on Hallmark movies. While it caters well to fans of this specific genre, it may not appeal to those who are not familiar with or interested in Hallmark films. Additionally, some listeners may find certain segments or jokes repetitive over time.
In conclusion, The Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean podcast is a must-listen for fans of Hallmark movies or those looking for a hilarious analysis of a niche film genre. The witty banter between Jeb Lund and David J Roth, along with their knowledgeable insights into these films, make for an entertaining and engaging listening experience. Whether you're a fan of Hallmark movies or not, this podcast is sure to bring some laughter into your day.
JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story like this well? ... A "being adult and normal" fakeout ... Brain damage PART THREE Spot the Angel: Ashley's dad and Scott's coach ... A literal bible ... Eat Your Heart Out: Grandma's dire eggnog; The Cider Social; awful pastries, sugar drinks; Barbie food; stadium peppermint tea; Sleepytime mascot, pajama gun, candlelit ushers; the Drunken Puck; airport chocolates, airport beer ... Clear hotel lobby store ... Zamboni driving in the Richard Scarry region of the brain ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: French 85 Magazine, "How to Survive Christmas Alone"; hockey tournament/goon clash PART FOUR Overdetermined: Forced credit-card fussiness; "But I'm different"; plot-end collision and bastard father ... False Ray Bourque information ... Scott, winter ignorant ... Crossover: Scott, Deadpool adjacency and sassy Kristen Bell; money and a rewrite away from a real rom-com; Alex Garland's Civil War; LA to Vegas, Idaho Falls to Spokane ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dave, rowdy child, good eater ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Googe-sound boy; 3 ... Who's the Real Villain: Ambition, cruel fatherhood, misogyny/the bar is THAT low PART FIVE Rating: 3 (non-derogatory) ... "Honestly, I'm fine with this" ... The Leftovers: Non-interruptive work-from-home ... Protagonist's dream/career age ... "Those who can't play, coach" ... A smooth 84 ... Pod Yourself The Wire namedrops ... Gretzky 3:16 ... Plus/Minus and stats annoyance ... Kevin Fair, Get Carter, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Core ... Saw 3-D ... "Idaho Falls" ... Postgame interview BS ... You know how to ruin a cider social ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Jamie's Bluesky HERE
Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ... PART TWO Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten; peppermint egg cream ... PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: We don't know where we are; Episode 78, Holiday Date? ... Overdetermined: Mom tells you to let go of your dreams, leave the eggnog carton ... Mom taunting ... Crossover: Safe callback; Glee ... Sports-triumph movies still exist ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Matthew, android lead; Alice, choirbot ... Tyler, Kyler, Tyler ... Who's the Real Villain: This movie ... Incredible titles work here ... Rating: 2, throwback movie ... PART FIVE The Leftovers: Executive Producer Blake Shelton ... Tim Allen and Robert Goulet ... "Accordion to Steve's Christmas Polka" ... Foxwoods theme song ... Blake Shelton kickbacks ... Good singers, bad performance ... Grace Leer and Allie Liebert Appreciation Station ... Bus weirdo ... LOT COP ... Prester John ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but... Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd thing ... Fake Londoner, Comic Guy ... Double the characters, all matter ... Ashkenazi word load ... Format tweaking, references on the meta knife edge ... Which twist? Who knew? ... Can't hang (with) the DJ ... Jobbed mom ... Welcome back to Bar Mitzvah Chat PART THREE Spot the Angel: Grandma/Busker/Santa? ... Spot the Bard ... Eat Your Heart Out: Food-lite; plot/reality-proportional; "Hanukkah on Rye" callback; Jews as human ... Sufganiyot (reprise): Childhood, Israel, politics, inaccuracy ... Signifying body blows ... People, 2030 ... Blue Christmas ... Candles ... Latke assembly ... No superlatives ... Wine complaint ... Secular Jews, pls PART FOUR Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hanukkah on Rye ... Overdetermined: London-Nerd hookup vs. Time-loop revelations vs. Rachel's nerd cred/purpose/attitude ... Self-uncanny valleying ... Tropes as prison, not skeleton ... Curving tropes in on themselves ... Uncanny to movies, not humanity ... Crossover: Too real; a $10m budget and 30 days; Hellraiser; Granddad Groundhog Day; all Groundhog Days PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa; the most Methodist mom ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Jammed-in Santa ... Coda ... Almost famous ... Inclusive casting ... Bryan Greenberg, Rick Hoffman, and Vic Michaelis Appreciation Station ... Feelings at movie scale ... Real pillow-face ... Bears tight end ... Stay off the tollways ... Minion gifs ... Subway signage ... Two-hour novel revision ... Mixtapes ... 7 days ... IMDB Dive: Tamar Laddy ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "[I'm Spending] Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.
MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (2023), but... The lighthouse made me so angry ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight attendant ... Hallmark lifestyle porn ... Dead lobstermen ... Briny Santa, orca driver ... Stakes-killing trauma ... Wicker Man end! ... Too normal for this swerve ... Fear of Flying vs. Love of Booty ... F'n lighthouse! ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Grandpa McCloud ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plane hot chocolate, and more; lobsters with hats, with feelings; facecakes at Nott Pub ... Import/export ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 83, 94 and 129 ... Overdetermined: Sewing machine (longingly); social-media save; "he ignored weather warnings" ... PART FOUR Crossover: Wicker Man, Trailer Park Boys, Deadliest Catch, Cocoa Dismemberment, Lighthouse Documentary (Herzog) ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa McCloud; Co-Pilot Derek ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Curly Sue audition memories; also, 2 ... PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... The Leftovers: Old Singer ... Air-traffic control meet-cute ... Curated experience ... Green candycane ... "This is your dream job?" ... IMDB Dive ... No breath, no nor'easter ... Now you're like me ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Trailer Park Boys Theme (I Left My Heart in San Francisco)." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (2023), but... You're gonna wanna braise that elf ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Travis or Boss Elizabeth ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Christmas Cacciatore"; braised elf; candy-cane straw cocoa; Hogan's Donuts math theory; peanut butter Christmas mice (tie) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 83, "But Wait, There's Buckley" and Episode 94, "The Ecstasy of Competence" ... Overdetermined: No ... Seventeen minutes of modeling good behavior ... It's not Hall of Fame! ... Mad Dog on JFK ... PART FOUR The Swagony of Defeat: Yes, but it fits? ... The White Collar reverse camera ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Murray the Bus Driver! ... Rating: 3 ... Barbara Niven Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Power Man Jason Bourque ... Jason London ... Scatting ... Sold-out sound FX ... CSI Cyber, turning red, podcast ... Ken Cosgrove's scarlet suit and Amanda's Christmas jockey ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The CSI Cyber Podcast Theme" by J.W. Friedman. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because: It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalion home ... Missed dead-brother opportunity ... Combat without consequence ... The GLeeMONEX Initiative ... Job-solution man ... Spot the Angel: No ghost, no one, or everyone, or the Army ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee with warlords; thos beans; nog contest/Mexican chocolate nog; Waingro Counter; instant latte ... PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 57, 86, and 5 ... Overdetermined: Dance at the barn; Hallmark war-zone quit; Ronin; support-the-troops speech ... PART FOUR Crossover: The Initiative; The Hurt Locker; Black Hawk Down II; Penny Dreadful ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Co-workers Jade and Pam; Linda Fiorentino as Jade; high school principal; Patton ... Who's the Real Villain: Nothing happened, the Neocons, imperialism ... The fruitlessness of this movie and the GWOT ... PART FIVE Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Cold breath, hot sun ... Shot in Connecticut ... Wet dock (reprise) ... Wrapped hockey stick (reprise) ... Make with the death! ... IMDB Dive: 1800 soap episodes; Blucas and Brawl in Cell Block 99; Breckin Meyer; Marcia Clark ... George Templeton Strong ... "I love that you're so into history" ... "I'm the eggnog king!" ... Feliz Navidad! ... A Royal Corgi Princess/Christmas; A Pinch of Portugal; Love, Inheritance and Lunch ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Ashokan Farewell," by Jay Ungar. Jessica's Twitter HERE • BlueSky HERE • Patreon HERE
Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (2021), but... Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ... PART TWO Join the Patreon, hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Paul, Julia and real estate; Julia, the Reasonable Bridezilla, and a bespoke dress ... Berating clerks in Jeb Mode ... Dress delivery epilogue ... "Tree amateur," Emily Osment directed and the Earnest Hallmark style ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Nana and multigenerational haunting ... Get out and see some of the world only for a little bit ... Dad's health issues ... How a Hallmark executive sees the world ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lobster stuffed with tacos; Argentinian Christmas cookies; load-bearing hot cocoa; concluding birthday cake; the Bears lost; empty beer bottles ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes: 1, 27, The Best Fries in the City, 4, 60, 125, the most important gazebo since "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet", 70 ... PART FOUR Overdetermined: Not really; overdetermined false starts; What Would Your Grandma Do? ... Crossover: Somebody Somewhere, with a Hallmark Script; Chicago Wedding Strike Force ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Not really, not Julia, or Paul, real estate buyer, gazebo erector ... Fitzcarraldo ... Rating: 3 ... IMDB Dive: Emily Osment, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn; Deidrich and In the Dark; Tracy Andreen and Elena Valdez ... One of the Elite Princesses in the World Renowned Royal Court of the Tournament of Roses Parade Presented by Honda ... Gift-wrap punking our female lead ... Minor Emergency with Gordie LaSalle ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and Mozart's "Sequentia Rex Tremendae - Requiem In D Minor, K 626" performed by the Vienna Philharmonic and Chorus, conducted by Sir Georg Solti. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because: All we see is the goal ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; diminishing sports ... Dropping acid, watching Hallmark, shrieking neighbor ... Commentator Bumble date ... PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: "Fries"; urban oat milk, business wisdom; bread bowls; homemade tahini; (Boardwalk Empire butt cut); (admire-able); 10am pie; giant night pancakes; consolation wings; invisible omelet; bobcat stomach; winner buys! ... Alley gambling ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips, all roads lead to Arli$$, and the toxic PNW sports culture ... Hallmark ESPN never embraced debate ... Overdetermined: Ropes course; constantly humbling Emily; undecided protagonist; Ian has a type ... Ian: 30 years, two partners ... PART FIVE Crossover: Ted Lasso and Any Given Sunday; Aaron Rodgers' diarrhea retreat; Jon Bois' Friday Night Lights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Social worker Brandon; no replicant; Sandra, the diner owner ... Who's the Real Villain: Emily's immaturity; no sports Big Bad; kids specializing in sports; Ian, The Dragon ... Rating: 2 ... Impossibly bad sports ... Star Trek Space Africans/Unlicensed Gilmore Girls ... Let Emily be mean! ... PART SIX The Leftovers: World-class woman's player, no-name loser ... Gary Sheffield public-park dingers ... Leadership writing, Taylor Swift ... Emily and online sports discussion ... Knitting coach, man down ... IMDB Dive ... "Mr. Dick" ... Geocaching ... No crutches! ... Sex at BYU ... Wet dock ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Soul Dracula" by Hot Blood. Ryan's Twitter HERE • Fullcast HERE
Surprise! It's AN UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS (2021) and we're still dating! Also, ... This is a bad idea ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Turn on Dave's She-Shed ... Lair, fort, Rodney Dangerfield ... Unprepared! ... "The Single Guy" ... Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Paul Campbell ... Three Wise Men and a Baby ... Christmas Season vs. Baseball Season ... Canadian doo-wop ... Paul Campbell (Screenwriting) Appreciation Station ... Mamet notes ... Sharing the quippy wealth ... Coming up! ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dead Christmas patriarch, gay sister, gay chief of staff, writer's block ... 5pm publishing on Deadspin ... Jeff Loria's Peanuts book, How to Watch Football on Television ... Jamie's serial quits ... Wishing fountain, tourism slogan ... One Tree Hill ... PART THREE The Swagony of Defeat: Custom mugs, Balsam Hill Farmhouse Christmas Ornaments Set of 25 ... Advent tree, starting Thanksgiving ... Tense mugs, Airbnb-ass kitchen ... Make me care about this consumer ... Spot the Angel: Angel free, large family ... Eat Your Heart Out: Normal food; Monty Python teakettles; cookie plunder; implied Swedish chef; cookie violence; destroyed, carbonized (ceremonial) footlong hot dog; Footie Scran; large coffee, giant dog, huge thermal, 8 blocks; neat whiskey; giant woven candy cane; wry jazz club/Italian restaurant waiter and reprise ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoland marketing, finance, politics, society, inventor of sport peppers ... Chicago/Chicagoland inversion ... Marketing name ... PART FOUR Overdetermined: No, but Jamie is a frozen turd ... "Tired of living in fear" ... So particular ... Emily's generous self-pathologizing ... Do better, Emily ... Crossover: Todd Solondz Christmas; An Unexpected Blago; Kamala Harris ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2.5 ... Rating: 3.5 ... Tighten it up, Jamie! ... PART FOUR The Leftovers: Jackie Joyner-Kersee ... Nobody can flush in Fulton ... Rat Funeral ... The Single Guy (Reprise) ... It's not karaoke, it's CAROLING ... IMDB Dive ... Courtney Belize, Ron Mexico ... Vending machine ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS (2022) with one dose of cookies and realize ... When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood, dud ensemble ... "Hallmark Christmas Blogger Sarah Ramos" ... Aware, but not kidding ... Fun hammy ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Grandma Mia decluttering; mom outta the picture; Patsy and the Mayor; book-ornament contest; looming deadlines; childhood collaborations ... Spot the Angel: Benny the agent; ancestral ghost; Travis ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kismet Cookies, not to be used internally; done when it seems done; secret ingredient is love; you need fudge ... Break: NFL Films, "Classic Battle" PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jeb screws up a TPB reference; children's books are easy!; Nostalgic Christmas (Episode 72); the Man in the Arena ... Overdetermined: Almost none; working cookie for a trembling lady; great divorce take; three quits, one plausible explanation ... Crossover: Stephen King; Rogan book tour ... Gary Vaynerchuk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Mayor, a medicated Dennis Hopper; Raylene, Wine Woo Mom ... Who's the Real Villain: Villain-free; Christmas wedding hosts ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 2.0, for load-bearing moppetry ... Rating: 4.5, well-executed turbo Hallmarkery ... IMDB Dive: Mark Jean, Flip That Romance (Ep. 51); Betsy Morris Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Gateway jewelry ... I got my library card ... Benny's Christmas HQ ... Becoming your parents ads ... Sarah Ramos's "City Girl" ... Night Runner vs. Moon Boat ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Timorous Me." by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize: No one's claiming the rights ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon ... Vincent Price chapter narration ... A strangely under-playful, overly traumatized movie ... Mr. Snowflake at Verso Books ... A WWI of emotion ... Spot the Devil: Mildred ... Spot the Angel: The Narrator ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: Mad Men/Lumbergh cocoa mugs; goulash; inaccurate beer pull; orange abbondanza; candy cane vape pen; chewing on cinnamon and rosemary ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The PNW telluric currents; angel vacation resort ... Overdetermined: Confronting the sprites, wild accusations; Mildred's Rickles routine; "I am done living in fear!" ... Stuff didn't work out! It's ok! ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Introducing Ned Ryerson; nyads, wood-nymphs, things of that nature; Death Ship, again ... Unclaimed rights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Diane and Keith's divorce-a-thon ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Maybe 2,000 years old ... Mad Dog Russo's Revolutionary War ... Who's the Real Villain: Fiction publishing and copyright ... Literacy in DeSantisland ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... Meet your dead dad ... IMDB Dive: Ruby Monroe, script supervisor, Blade Trinity The Leftovers: Charles and Mildred banter (good), Charles despair line-reads (bad) ... All her stories, steel suitcase ... Made up village, lotta rules ... Blue violin, karate ... Six seasons and a screenplay! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Torgo's Theme." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing. Radio by seniors, for seniors ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallmark universe ... Break: Basil Poledouris, "Klendathu Drop," Starship Troopers soundtrack. PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Hey, Good Morning; Amy Instagram; she's a business ... Jazz aficionado ... Senior Radio ... Apology, AA confessional, let's race! ... Scarecrow teen treachery ... Spot the Angel: No ... Eat Your Heart Out: Caramel mortarboard; foliage week, proper names, time dilation; first pumpkin latte of the season; late Loggia, Alex Jones; hotel pitcher of cider; Luke and Lillian's pumpkin sage ravioli; Mountain Dew Braised Rojas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tom is Billy Pilgrimed here; diner kid in the movies, here, now; "Pumpkin Pie Wars"; "Holiday Date," the undercover Jewish experience, Delco Extended Universe ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Letters to Santa: Andrea Canning, the Dateline anchor, USS Christmas and IMDB ... Overdetermined: Necessarily overt talks; soundtrack cue, swing hooting ... Crossover: Starship Troopers and Scanners, of course ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Mom Lillian, jerk-horny, work-life imbalanced ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Who's the Real Villain?: The elder care industry ... Don't wanna know the book's plot ... Full Mendo ... Title/Sequel: Good title; fed up; that feel, Tone ... Rating: 3.5 ... "Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas" ... The Leftovers: The Jeff Beesley experience ... The Michael Ironside IMDB tour ... McBain ... Surfacing/Scanners ... Cohagen, horse breeder ... Megawattage ... Soundalike narrative soundtrack ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Scanner Duel," by Howard Shore, Scanners soundtrack. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
CASEY JOHNSTON'S making us stretch before WARMING UP TO YOU (2021), but we're willing to reconsider if: We want to buy that "Congrats on finding a floater" card ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Toilet drop ... Meet Casey! ... Love your work, and I'm not heeding it ... Renamed movie ... Grew up in Hallmark stores ... Teen money ... Haunted by figurines ... Work at Hallmark ... Work at the Gap ... Gift wrap ... Year-round Christmas store ... PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Wrecked toilet ... Daffy final third ... Real-ish growth ... More nuance, still confused ... Maximize Your Tropes: Milkshake theft; "my values"; giant fake belly; lake surfing; anchored together; stunt coordinator ... PART THREE Spot the Angel: Bestie Sasha or old Minnie ... Eat Your Heart Out: Gym shake; workout negroni; cheese fries, tendies, gym; Costco cheeseballs jar; butane-roasted cauliflower; contemporary pizza; chip smuggling, snack confiscation ... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Decommissioned Summer Camp Belt (Episode 57) ... Overdetermined: Ex Liza's arrival; Jared's "work"; stunt-training; homecoming gown; "her rules" ... Crossover: Chris Hemsworth's paunch workout; Ben Affleck quitting Dunkin; Kate's Most Dangerous Game ... PART FIVE Hallmark Bechdel Test: Barely! ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rick; Jared; maybe everyone; Minnie ... Who's the Real Villain: Fat-shaming/bad science ... Rating: 3.5 ... A flow state of assumed chemistry ... Giant thumbs-down sticker ... Into sticker-shaming ... Snotty table turning ... PART SIX The Leftovers: 70% of the population has a dad-bod ... Good locations ... Minnie is a ghost ... IMDB Dive: Christie Will Wolf, W. Stuart, Reacher's brother ... Going to Hogwarts ... Race to Save the World at Midnight ... Avocado green ... Driftwood ... Bad cornhole ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Hooray for Hollywood," by John Williams and the Boston Pops and "Pump It Up (Instrumental)" by The HotRats. More from Casey: Twitter HERE • Book HERE • Newsletter HERE • Instagram HERE
JONATHAN KATZ and SAM ADLER-BELL sail into history aboard the USS Christmas (2020), but first: Let's go get hot chocolate! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet Jon, Sam, Sam's grandma and Jon's mom! ... Happy story, death machine ... Cast Rundown ... Niven ... The Dual Expositional Challenge ... Was this fun? ... Can't think past the meatball ... Bald evangelism ... Cool planes ... Hanoi Hilton ... Ruin movies with college ... Not much USO ... Vietnam ... Break: "I Bombed Korea," by Cake PART TWO Journalismism: The Moore-Bacon wedding; less important work; firefighter baby; staffed paper; "Mr. Bailey"; Maddie ruins lives; public-records incompetence; FOIA; stealing documents; New Yorker-ass paper; headlines; Maddie's email; streaming entertainment ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Captain Chet ... A real talk about trauma ... MILF hunter ... Marines plane, yuletide ship ... Nick Frost ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dinner rolls; bacon; shared milkshake; NYC bistro in Wilmington, NC; NYC Waffle House; mistletoe martini; abundant hot chocolate; sucky chestnuts; candy cane gnawing ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe ... Overdetermined: Wine toss; ditched rival; the Grinch; trauma swappin'; "Daddy's Girl"; scared of Christmas ... Join the Patreon! ... Crossover: Flight of the Intruder; USS Milius; Man in the High Castle; Captain Chet Red Octobers it; a U-571 Christmas ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grinch Billy, troubled reader; every character; Maddie's horny widow mom, who only likes one child ... Break: "Drop Da Bomb," by Party Posse PART FIVE Who's The Real Villain?: Disliking the military; facing reality; generational trauma; news' novelty bias ... Rating: 3 ... It's a Wonderful Boat! ... Jen Lilley gas face ... Niven didn't bring it ... Know Your Enemy Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: Aircraft carriers in NYC ... IMDB Dive ... Q-pilled Dorothy with clone Sam ... Joni Mitchell Appreciation Station ... Podcaster beefcake ... LBJ! ... Anna Chennault ... Robert Strange McNamara ... Smedley Butler ... Plugs! ... TYFYS ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Take My Breath Away" by Berlin. Follow Sam on Twitter: @SamAdlerBell Follow Jon on Twitter: @KatzOnEarth Order Jon's book here.
We started DATING THE DELANEYS (2022), but: Do you know how loud jai alai is? ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE Wink! ... Wine Clown (taupe) ... Rom-rom, with jokes ... Jennifer Barrow Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... McNamara nostalgia ... Restorative justice for Brendan Zub ... Manderson Mode ... The Expositional Challenge ... A horn of a sort ... Plot Mop-Up: Michael, guiding PR practice; ex-husband rehab; horny grandma; arcade-bar; gone fishin' ... They seem like people! ... Paul Campbell Appreciation Station ... Charmingly corny flirty antagonism ... Punishing punsmithery ... Early forced laughter to natural fondness ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Maybe Michael, maybe the horny mom, probably a goose egg ... Angelic parenting assistance ... Eat Your Heart Out: Salted caramel and cookies; Cafe New Orleans, eating crawfish, po-boy chunks; blind date basket of rolls; reasonable pizza with pepperoncini; pecan-pie cake; skyscraping bacon chocolate cake; Find My Salad Soulmate; namin' fish; America's most favorite cake; abandoned Heineken; Shake, Battle and Bowl; sauceless mozzarella sticks; rime-free milkshake ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Make It, Bake It, Cake It; QVC knockoff; Teryl Rothery; Episodes 9, 11, 12, 31, 50, 52, 55, 56, 59, 64, 74, 83, 84, 85, 86, and more; wine-clown concert road trip! ... Overdetermined: No true qualifier; too much friend hectoring; winking ... Crossover: Steve "Bones"; Quantum Bakery Apprentice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All non-Michael, non-New Kid men; Steve! Steve! Steve!; David, the ex ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who's the Real Villain: Self-performance dating-app industry ... Title/Sequel: Good title and "Delaney Due Date" vs. Thematic underuse and "Dating Dana Delaney" ... Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Met at pickleball ... Printing out articles ... IMDB Dive: Jennifer Barrow, King of the Hill veteran ... Zack, the turd, with a sign ... Old new kid ... Treat Williams ... "Your dad comin' today?" ... Second Life kitchen ... "World Baby" ... Dental plan ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "100,000 People," by Philip Glass. Read Jeb's hot dog sandwich piece: Here. Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.
Uproxx's VINCE MANCINI gave us a buzz to talk CUT, COLOR, MURDER (2022), but: Forensics can wait for the pageant ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE All things seamy, guest starring Sutton Niekro ... Sopranos vs. Hallmark podcasting ... Vince's Hallmark bona fides ... Gilmore Girls comp ... Muted romance, many speakers ... Lego/cigarette Canadian ... More Karpluk! ... Cast Rundown ... Jeb Flubs Name of Brendon Zub ... The Expositional Challenge ... Sublimely 311 ... Shear Delight: Gownless neck-hair trim; lumberjack sketch; hands off my instrument; listless blocking/acting ... The Bear, but for hair ... Hallmark-ass prestige restaurant ... Break: "Sweet Home Chicago (Live)" by The Blues Brothers PART TWO Chekhov Wept: No time for loose ends; Knives Out shade; disappearing mom horniness; disappearing setups; landlocked sailboat; Mitzi's break-in breakdown; "local"-status alibis ... New Yorker director ... Wrong-footed by Hallmark ... Murder twist ... Women laughing alone with tombstones ... Burn Notice ending ... Eat Your Heart Out: Stress eating fruit; flapjack group, toast group; Dominican BBQ; Todd Gurley for Burger King; open-mouth etiquette; more Gurley burger ... Land of wigged brunettes ... Familiar Canadian ... Break: "Hair," by The Cowsills PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Denver of the Soul; pageant town; Adrian Grenier interlude; a Sopranos Hallmark movie ... Overdetermined: Sterling pleading innocence and creepy invitation ... Homemade weed killer ... Crossover: Benoit Blanc accent; Carmy as Kyle; Bear guy hair; Hair Rescue; post-canceled James Franco twins interviewing El Chapo; Kundun! ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Salon crew yaass droids; Olivia, the murderer; Passions mom and cop-wife whining ... Dave's Anne Heche issues ... Who's the Real Villain?: Weatherman Darren; law-enforcement impunity; pageant objectification mania ... Beautiful klutz ... Title/Sequel: Lather, Rinse, Revenge; seamy split ends ... Rating: 3 ... Julie Gonzalo Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: IMDB dive; 1st Assistant Director; ahhh, Tibor; SFW; Bringing Down the House ... Our screenplay goes viral! ... Walt Becker, Van Wilder, Wild Hogs and Old Dogs ... Darren's remote hit just outside ... Precinct sweet tea urn ... Sloppy Ken, forensic snacker ... Quarter zips ... Shakespeare talent show ... Pharma ad direction ... Walking my rabbit ... Rabbit dad shirt ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cut Your Hair (Karaoke Version)" by Pavement. Follow Vince on Twitter: @VinceMancini
CHARLES STAR is remanded to WALKING THE DOG (2017) and arguing public-use law via: Circuit court bingo (wait for applause) ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Free legal advice! ... Reporters who don't vote ... Best lawed plans ... Pet adoption kickbacks ... Blue-collar and moppet dogs ... Cast Rundown ... Unsolicited AARP discount ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dog fostering, condos and a nature preserve, mom's secret admirer ... Sporty-to-comfy Mom-Daughter Axis ... Christie's assistant and Peter Benson (Appreciation Station) ... The Ham Clip ... Break: "Stand by Your Ham" by Pig Aid PART TWO Legalismism, Crown v. Reality : America-based law; Circuit-on-Circuit action; EIGHT judges; Reddit law; statutorily frivolous lawsuit; suing democracy; "I threw the case!"; no easements; heart-encirclement; Damascene road accident; empty docket, lonely judge ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: The Dogs, Gidget, meets cute ... Bonfire ... Eat Your Heart Out: Mom's Luke's diner; bear claws; one nice restaurant; champagne; ham to salmon ... Bill, the best boyfriend ... Help ME leave YOU ... Secret admirer inevitability ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Patreoning ... Overdetermined: Dog parallel relationships; Chekhov's gazebo; nature preserve and developers ... Threatening due diligence ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Add shark; dead husband returns; Stacy's Mom ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Delia law talk; the judge; mom and daughter ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone but Bill; just be the town attorney; newspaper editor; Laura, the Mouth of Seattle ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain: Change, capricious Nimby/Yimbyism; the Democratic Party ... Weepy closing argument ... Title/Sequel: Raising the Pups; abysmal title, Washing the Dog ... Rating: 3 ... Law dog's law talk ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Veterinarian Ed Helms ... M.C. Escher-ass town ... Law Shoppe, Cabot Cove ... Dementedly joyful bored dog licks ... No dogs in court ... Dead husband Face/Off ... More Reddit law ... Keith's recovered memory ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! ... All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Walking the Dog" by Rufus Thomas. Follow Charles on Twitter: @Ugarles
ANDY LEVY comes out of retirement and needs A CHEERFUL CHRISTMAS with THE CHRISTMAS COACH (2022), all that plus: Highlights and analysis from Cousin Peter. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE The New Abnormal, an unserious podcast ... A Pink Slime Concentrate Christmas ... Treacly AND bland ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up ... Evading all tension ... Rent a snowmaker, get an eggnog ... Spot the Angel: A film without God; Colleen should've been dead; charity dad; Joyce, the Alfred ... Charity? Drink! ... The real Santa Claus is an aristocrat Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Eat Your Heart Out: Thermos of VX; open eggnog pushing; rock-crushing cookie foley; blueberry pancakes or RASPBERRY?; Haunting of Hill House gravel/rat plate; cabbage rolls; plain crackers, crackers with electric yellow squares; electric-red wine; punching away whipped cream ... Vague mustache ... Chad Connell's resting "who tf is this face" ... Erica Deutschmann's surreally stoned choices ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Christmas Train Appreciation Station; Patreon plug; Shoe Addict's Christmas nostalgia; Episodes 33, 44, 48, 58, 113 ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Overdetermined: What's the theme anyway?; importance of Christmas soliloquies; everything or nothing; mid-point Christmas wish swap ... Get her dad just to get her dad ... Breathe app ... Edward G. Robinson ... Crossover: Films in asylums; Joyce on Frasier; Christmas coaching on Team Foxcatcher; Tyne Durden ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: All characters but maybe James; Maryam for sure; Lauren, verbal diarrhea, party in the house, and Christmas College ... Rebekah Mercer's Snow Polo 2019 ... Polo noob ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Who's the Real Villain: No; or maybe personal charity over group charity; but that's still not a villain; Maryam's self-collapsing villainy; America's mental healthcare ... Not dunking on mental illness ... Title/Sequel: "Christmas Coach" is MUCH better; temp title; The Christmas Clubber; Colleen's functional alcoholic masterminding ... Rating: 1.5 ... Erica Deutschmann Exculpation Station ... These don't have to be bad but this was ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Chad Connell in The Retreat ... IMDB Dive: Hearts of Spring retrospective ... Kymlicka handles the Deutschmann account ... Superfluous kiss fakeouts ... Instantly functional Bluetooth ... Shovel-handing collapse/fling ... Jeterian shortstoppage ... One hour, 30 pieces of cashmere ... Personification Hut ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne. Follow Andy on Twitter: @AndyLevy Listen to The New Abnormal here.
PAT BLANCHFIELD puts the death drive on autopilot to consider (with) us THE PERFECT PAIRING (2022), plus: It's no big deal, it's just amnesia! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet Pat Blanchfield! ... CGI soufflé ... Concussed? Take two Sauternes and one nap ... Pat's Brechtian cockfight Hallmark prom night ... Nordstrom piano ... There's a harp ... It's exploitably efficacious! ... Scrambled entertainment ... Cocoa in my T-bird ... Am I responding to this properly? ... Small things with big eyes ... Break: "Amado Mio," by Pink Martini PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Deracinated! ... Plot Mop-Up: Undercover food blogger; it's just amnesia; ice wine gala ... A Homer Car plot ... Letters to Santa ... The Swagony of Defeat: Teutonic backstory, Hallmark wine club, Hollingbrook Vineyard ... Wack ice wine tradition ... 'An Ortolan Christmas' ... Wines That Rock ... Danica McKellar Air Fryer ... Hallmark Iberico ... Selling out to booze ... Journalismism: Blogger's half-mil' table; Apocalypse Now dossier; rec-room office; Sonic the Editor ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Cherubic moppet; ex writing partner ... Eat Your Heart Out: Dialectical tension; recipes as fixation; anti-savory bias; having cake and Lacanian impossibility too; "Thanksgiving without turkey"; Swiss Miss; wine vat ... Limiting amnesia expertise ... Female race memory ... Reunited with norms via head trauma ... Bed tantrum ... "Dessert Enthusiast" ... We're doing tropes here! ... Self-aware breakup ... Break: "Sugar Sugar," performed by Amber Burdick PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hudson Valley to PNW; Hallmark adds a wine section; Murder, She Baked; wine competitions, upstate New York bogs ... Drew Bledsoe ... Overdetermined: CJ's stilettos; knock on head; happy accidents; mom's grapes; predetermined spontaneity; yanked by the scruff; triple ice wine! ... Overdetermined Eurostep ... Crossover: Intertext!; lousy with Proust; The Transporter chained to his vomit; Get Out-iverse peripheral family; Ghislaine; Ready or Not; America's Heads Got Trauma ... Break: "Ring My Bell," by Anita Ward PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: "Get What You Give"; Falcon Beach; Kevin, Stonks guy; no second chance; Diane, the Roy ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 3.5, or "Dimple Coach, I have a high motor and feel guilty from head hugs" ... Who's the Real Villain?: CJ; rage-bait media incentives; Michael and the bloodsucking media; undiagnosed heart death ... Spontaneous beverage distributor joy ... Jeb needs work ... Title/Sequel: Name implies chemistry; near title-drop; mom-killing review; trad-wife transitioner; omitted amnesia; The Latest Vintage ... Rating: 3 ... Zero chemistry, offensive politics, artlessly done, enjoyable ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: IMDB Dive: Art Hindle, Nazneen Contractor, workmanlike; the Book of Saw ... Michael closes the convertible ... Flawless eyeliner ... Inappropriate casual footwear ... Steal your bag! ... Don McBrearty, Hot Wheels and "Gay or Straight: Is There a Choice?" ... Three-rows of vineyard ... Polka, Polka, Polka! ... Oompacore ... Art Hindle jacket game ... Lenmom's Tomb or bitcoin farm? ... Sassy Squids ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Get What You Give" by New Radicals. Follow Pat on Twitter: @PatBlanchfield Pre-order Pat's book here. Take a class with Pat here!
We're carbo-loading for a WEDDING EVERY WEEKEND (2020) but we're breaking down on the: The Smelts-to-Dealts Pipeline … "I'm a sourdough guy" … THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE "Four Weddings and a [Car] Restoration" ... Pure, high-concept Hallmark ... Joel McHale + Weezer = Joel Campbell ... Recalling Episode 019 - The Quotable Gus Van Houten ... Cast Rundown ... Sara Kate fan service ... Signed, Sealed, Delivered Appreciation Station ... Let Geoff Gustafson cook ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Change your businesses; classic quit ... Reverse horn ... Chekhov's rehearsal dinner ... Lost: Husband, storyteller ... Peak Hallmark Quit ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Spot the Angel: Greg and Ginny vs. It Takes a Village ... It's YOUR rehearsal dinner! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Procure some rosemary; cheers with giant buns; brunch welsher; hors d'oeuvres montage; pizza shooters, jalapeño poppers; wedding taco bar ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A convergence of all weddings; the fakest Portland yet; Navy SEAL training in the PNW ... Overdetermined: Let's mess with our friends and make the scene out of the joke describing it; do or do not, there is no try; tough material; Ryan Reynolds-esque distancing ... Crossover: The Godfather wedding; physical therapists fixing cars ... Medical tape product placement ... BS knee medicine ... The Mud Bowl ... Grinding Tape: QB1 lasers a pick-6; Daniel Jones; Mike Glennon Appreciation Station ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Bechdel Test: The Summer of Brooke? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Norman Dorman Labor Bot; James, the Orthopedic Surgeon; Dr. Colin, a pineapple; time to find your ham ... Who's the Real Villain: It's not weddings ... Kiss 'Em All ... Title/Sequel: Minimum delivery; contempt title; "Next Weekend," It Follows; scrompin' every morning ... Rating: 2 ... "Perfect Day" sensory deprivation ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: IMDB Dive ... Wine Clown-Sour Bro Axis ... Did we watch it? ... Post-breakup with the softest people ever ... Too bad you can't do a retro-mod on your heart ... Misunderstanding the obnoxious hipster shithead ... Active bears in the area ... Mazel tov! ... I can't believe you have other friends! ... Merry Christmas Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "A Punchup at a Wedding," by Radiohead. Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here.
The Daily Beast's ASAWIN SUBSAENG joins us to observe BUTLERS IN LOVE (2022) and ask: Did you hear when the butt went "Bwaammp"? THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Violating dibs ... A Desperate Housewives thing ... Go to bed, Ryan Murphy ... Did the nerds hear about this movie? Break: "Clue, Main Theme" by John Morris PART TWO Cast Rundown ... Only seven years older ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's spoilers! ... Plot Mop-Up: Shrek dad, bad-boy legacy butler ... Russian or Scotsman? ... 300 years of cousin-butlering ... Trump's CHUD butler ... It's not Florida's fault! ... Willoughby Status: Avuncular ... Emma has no non-butlering enthusiasms or identity ... Instantly ditching a lifelong dream ... Zero butler guests ... Swin's REAL butler reporting ... Seven-figure butler ... Butler Double-Dare ... Quit climax, hotel edition ... Hogwarts is real, butling is real, and my friend ... From Cordon Bleu to Chipotle ... Spizzwinks? interlude ... Tufts bants ... Break: "Beantown," by John Cena and Tha Trademarc (feat. Esoteric) PART THREE Spot the Angel: No ... The Lisa Void ... Yacht butler ... Kundun, I liked it! ... Trump's Boy Scouts yacht orgy ... Back to Spot the Angel: Willoughby's failed potential; butling via owning; butling via kung fu ... Please make Hogwarts for Butlers wack ... No ropes or zipliness ... Eat Your Heart Out: Audible fart; super hearing, for farts; learning how to rip it; Maxwell Caulfield or Stacey Farber?; could you clean this in post?; "Moondance" and Hallmark auteurism; Beef Wellington; 70's foods; wine pairing; eat like David Roth; not understanding grilled cheese; They Came Together, but literal; audible fart reprise; eggnog does not pair with everything; progressive nog pairing; chomping vine tomatoes; we need grad school knife errors; cookies; "Fiiiiive agéd cheeses!"; today we're all wines in the box; one poisoned wine bottle; a real Big Boy moment ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Recency bias; our feet in tissue boxes; butling in the manor house where every other Hallmark couple meets; You're Bacon Me Crazy (Episode 085); the Hallmark wealth pantheon in Episodes 005, 029, 057, 044, 048, 058 ... Overdetermined: Everything; bad-boy butler sticking it to dad; "I want to do what I want to do!" "Me too!"; the bizarre self-fulfillment; whiff of domestic menace; projecting the other love interest's "path" ... Crossover: Honeymoon White Lotus or Adam Sandler's Fart Vacation; plunked into Gosford Parkiverse; Butler X-Men academy; coaching Butler; Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Probably no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone; many early replicants; Henry's Russo-Scots Dad; Lisa Appreciation Station; stat-shouting butling student ... Explicitly anti-Italian podcast ... Who's the Real Villain: Emma, anti-feminist; very unfair to Emma; the concept of aristocracy; the caste/service system ... Will you help me write a business plan? ... Title/Sequel: Letdown, "Dawn of War: Butlers in Love"; not doing an incest thing; totally delivers; butlers, not in love, and in love but not butlers; "Caterers in Love"; Clerks-to-Party Down ... Rating: 3 ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART SIX The Leftovers: Lifetime vs. Hallmark beef ... Swin's Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Network taxonomy ... Lifetime Bolshevik ... Creator network crossover ... The opposite of Fox News is the LMN universe ... Defund the LMN police ... Mike Lindell, LMN enemy ... Jeb, My Pillow owner ... LMN and the Fox-to-Hallmark/threat-to-homestead continuum ... Malaise forever! ... IMDB Dive: Curious and Unusual Deaths ... Butler dojo ... Where are the alterations? ... Let the butling come to you ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Love Butler," by K.R.Y.T.I.C. Art by Caitlin Fitz Gerald. Buy her wonderful book here. Follow Swin on Twitter here. Jeb's Hallmark piece on Medium, and Jeb's other Hallmark piece in WaPo.
Writer/activist MAURA QUINT returns for A KISS BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2021), to learn: Wishmaster-ass Santa Claus ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE A singular Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Welcome to Nog Chat ... The Jewish BS starts early ... Whoopie Pies, Whippy Dip ... Is nog a prank? ... Christmas is a dare festival ... More nog ... Kefir interlude ... Nog shots ... Christmas at Cartwright's (episode 004) callback ... Break: "The Nog Song 2.0," by Grant Kirkhope PART TWO Cast Rundown ... Joyce Holt! ... Marilu Henner's eidetic memory ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; soccer camp; baking son ... Simply having wonderful bizarrotime! ... Max Christmas trees, max decorations ... Headboard decorations, kitchen lode, trip vases ... Quinquagenarian Christmas explosion ... Replacing extras with trees ... Meeting, re: Tree Issue ... Sliding Doors meets Boss Baby, but make it Christmas ... Is this a Reverse Scrooge? ... Hallmark Jimmy Stewart ... It's a Wonderful Life: too dark for Hallmark ... Sean Doyle gives property development a bad name ... When life's better without you ... A Lexus December to Remember commercial ... Hal-9000 coffee maker ... Break: "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by Eumir Deodato PART THREE Spot the Angel: It's sketchy train station Santa! ... He knows when you will die ... Santa's in your house ... Eat Your Heart Out: Baking squat cupcakes; dinner out with lettuce and jellied toast; crampers need bananas; tiered hot cocoa experience; gonna experiment with gingerbread; The Cupcakes Are for MY Football Team, Parts I and II; cinnamon tea or hot chocolate; celebrating our meatversary; where's my bottarga! where's my bottarga! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: An infinite Hallmark Sliding Doors; Hallmark Sliders and Quantum Leap; Wallace Shawn's not walking through that door; Pittsburgh IS Chicago; the greater Chicagoverse; Episodes 001 and 027 ... Overdetermined: The whole movie; Nice Driver's Godlike advice; "you're the dragon"; Sean Doyle's Four Thieving Values; Wicked Witch villainy; "maybe he'll realize money isn't everything" ... Crossover: Santa Ringu; Lost Highway's mystery Santa; Hallmark Men, Into the Santaverse ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Girls sharing coolant ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Rona, the boss-ex-machina; the richest guy is never evil; Gus, the advice driver; all the assistants; Rona the endlessly variable ... Great Moments in a Photograph of Jets Quarterback Zach Wilson Rating: 3 ... No loose balls on the Hallmark set ... Check, check, check ... Who's the Real Villain?: Ambition; the authoritarianism of work ... Title/Sequel: title delivers; A Kiss on Christmas; Teri Hatcher's search for freedom; A Nick of Time Kiss Before Boxing Day; Hallmark's Leverage Eleven ... Rating: 4 ... "It didn't make me mad" ... The necklace is a problem ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Lot Cop ... "I forgot I'M rich!" ... What happened to the other happy family? ... Did he destroy Reality 2? ... Jeff Beesley Appreciation Station ... Nog Inquisition ... It's YOUR Ferrari ... Unintelligible Ferrari Truck ... "My son the Elder" ... De-aging to Odo levels ... Buy Ethan's terrible suit! ... SEVEN suits ... Vaguely Irish Santa ... Poinsettia pronunciation ... Adults playing adults is way more tolerable ... Teri was real and spectacular ... Unintended menace ... Your new friend Buffalo Bill ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "You Give Love a Bad Name," by Bon Jovi. Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback Buy Caitlin Fitz Gerald's wonderful book here.
ZACK HANDLEN of the AV Club (and more) joins us, AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT (2021), to learn: This is our job, and we're doing our job ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE The Irish BS starts early ... All foreign accents are the same ... Lavish Zack intro ... Defending "Pusher" ... Trusting reviewers ... Angry Walking Dead fans ... Needing an urgency vibe with nuance-disregard chaser ... Hallmark bona fides: mom vibes ... Tenzing Norgay takes you behind the process ... Aiming for fine! ... Horse Whisperer callback ... Leap Year echoes, Travel Channel vibes ... Clare Neiderpruem, bard of the natural world ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... Niall Buggy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Australians, distillery business plan, forced diffidence ... Soulful-mopey male lead vs. Good sulky ... Niall Buggy ... Clip: A great deal of adulthood ... Avoiding poor choices, but not seeking great ones ... Spot the Angel: Adalia the Inkeeper ... St. Kevin, you are such a disease ... Break: "Sayonara," by The Pogues PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: Mostly decently normal food ... Glum Irish desserts ... Violently incompetent carrot slicing ... Kathleen Turner overdrive ... Zero whiskey face ... Fruity whiskey ... BREAD ALERT, Loaf Mode ... Scree pizza ... Remaindered Tesco pizza ... Coffee'd and carbed out the yang ... NYC eating normalcy ... Sushi of Gary ... Egyptian food truck, second encore! ... Artifacts and shawarma ... Extremely instant-ass stew ... Those have flavors, sir ... Break: "Screamager," by Therapy? PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Love on Iceland/Love on Ireland; just one letter, just one string; Hallmark should make more travel movies; Minting Balkan princes at industrial rates; The Tom Cruise Mummy "Dark" Universe; The Sickbed of Fitzpatrick ... Finnegan's Wake Crossover ... Overdetermined: The Claddagh ring blending of two worlds (not vasculitis); proposal "fakeout"; Grant, the Mulch Oaf; a Grinchy idea to join the matchmaking festival ... The hazed-by-locals business stratagem ... Local Hero vibes ... Writing to checklist, not to motivations ... You don't need explanations for inevitable moments ... Brennan is a bread dick ... Utensil negging ... Crossover: Midsommar ... Rethinking The Wicker Man ... No bees in the Hallmark universe ... Lacey Chabert's The Quiet Man ... The Matchmaker ... No idea how matchmaking works ... Break: "The Wild Cats of Kilkenny," by The Pogues PART FIVE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A well-tempered yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Professional elopers; time-wasting Hallmark boss ... Who's the Real Villain?: Sister Crispin; the progress of time; capital homogeneity (O'brien's Pub and Beef's); superpredator meet-cute ... Title/Sequel: Forgetting the title; Love of the Irish; 2Lucky; As Luck Would Have Us ... Fast ... Marriage Troubles! ... Rating: 3.5 ... Travel to another Vancouver ... Break: "Big Sad Eyes," by The Immediate PART SIX The Leftovers: A new opportunity: Ireland! ... Eternal hold music ... Problematic UK preservationism ... The world's oldest Bennigan's ... Cute sunnies ... Real pit BBQ ... The human Chamber of Commerce ... Why are strangers being nice? ... Mrs. Nick Swisher ... An exhausting character on the Giambi A's ... Hashtag hashtag hashtag ... The real Howth Castle ... Mormon influencer on a week's athletic vacation ... Otherwise nice clothes! ... The top 30 orthodontists in Ireland ... IMDB Dive: Christina Conradt and a very busy year in one teen's life ... Bildungsroman, epistolary ... Timorous partner role reversal ... Geriatric volunteer, Irish goldbrickers ... Chief Miles O'Brien's mind palace ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Sister Christian (Loop)," by Night Ranger and "It's Over, Goodbye," by The Miami Showband. Follow Zack on Twitter: @Zhandlen Check out Zack's Patreon here. Buy Zack's dang X-Files book here.
WILL LEITCH spikes this show into THE TURKEY BOWL (2019) and gets us community service watching: The Barry Switzer Showcase ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Not a baking mystery ... It's not it! ... Too many penises and butts within two minutes ... A solid forever runtime ... A tame Old School, a risqué Hallmark ... No darkness or cruelty ... Following Hallmark homecoming plot beats ... More enjoyable than Red Notice ... 1.5x speed ... PENALTY: Inaccurate movie provenance ... Hallmark's increasing indie vibes ... An existential threat to this podcast? ... Metatextually loving Oklahoma ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast rundown ... Ryan Hansen, who Will knows from Party Down ... The Expositional Challenge ... Earned attaboy ... Plot Mop-Up ... The Badger Hole ... Intrafamily political strife ... Ride Along 1 and 2 ... Harland Williams ... "Moist" ... Spot the Angel: Judge Tibbins or Mitchell's self-sacrifice ... Reverse Good Will Hunting speech ... The Cedar Rapids/winsome Sundance fare ... Eat Your Heart Out: Reinforcing the political divide; congealed sloppy joe's; hot-dog casserole ... Cigarettes and football ... Matt Jones Appreciation Station ... Mitchell ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Overdetermined: Sports movies flipping from total loserdom to total dominance in the big game; 12-6 high-five big-game analysis; the Blind Melon joy montage; the football game broke the town; "high school again" speech followed by Hallmark Quit ... You tried nothing, and nothing happened ... A life reanimated for a jealousy trope ... Crossover: Is that Barry Switzer?; can Barry Switzer commit to a dark Alzheimer's role?; the Barry Switzer filmography; Gen X return to Road Rules ... A lot of stretching ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Bechdel Test: There is no women's "moment"; biological clock; marital aid tips ... A better movie's Ashley Sinclair ... An extremely reasonable bad girlfriend ... More Hangover hangover ... Bad events without bad people ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Brandy "the class slut"; demented Barry Switzer ... Who's the Real Villain?: Forgetting where you came from and/or brand identity ... A perfect community that can implode from losing one football game ... Title/Sequel: A mostly Thanksgivingless Thanksgiving; a good touch tying it to the game; a turkeyless Turkey Bowl; these people are turkeys; you gotta do The Leftovers ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 4 ... The Leftovers: Filmed in Oklahoma ... Copyright compliant UPS ... Stolen Supreme Court justice cab ... Reasonable senator, a Good Son-style doofus ... Who leaks this story? ... House of Cards narration ... Exhausting-ass Beau Willimon ... Nickelback on 2 ... Money for Smash Mouth and Third Eye Blind ... Copyright compliant "Fields of Gold" and "Blister in the Sun" ... It's common law, and I bought my own ring, and I'm done with this conversation ... Thank you for the turkey bowl ... The secret Dave-Will feud ... Links! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "My My My My Mitchell" by Hoyt Axton. Read Will's newsletter here.
TEASER: Thanksgiving, 2031: A Reckoning Everyone's not murdered, and nothing is magnetic ... THEME: "Dead Man's Party," by Oingo Boingo PART ONE: All Our Troubles Are Gone Welcome back to Will Leitch ... No plugs ... Vaccinated child blood ... Mask affinity ... Can there be a pandemic off-ramp? ... Torn pandemic bicep ... You just have a bad body now ... Without shared struggle, there is no shared victory ... We can't personally police anybody ... A segregated society ... Disproportionate political minority-opinion representation ... But vaccination won! ... Residual Covid resentment ... Unvaccinated, disconnected cousin ... Most people are disengaged and normal for it ... Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO: Scoreboard! Normalcy's inertia over Covid ... Bret Stephens, noted herb ... Trump and the Power of Positive Thinking ... Placebo effect ... Road Runner mentality vs. Coyote mentality ... Everyone's just tryin', man ... Fighting the monoculture vs. creating the multiculture ... Eight people talking in Slack ... Labor Day, the film ... Thanksgiving pandemic antagonism ... Sibling to blame ... A more severable externalized slight ... Polio ... Nobody's magnetic or sterile! ... Family division feeding grievance politics ... Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE: Hot Vaxgiving What are we doing for Thanksgiving? ... Died before every Thanksgiving ... We are here, and it is enough ... Bringing back all the old favorites ... The dead optimism of June ... False hope for a V-E Day ... Next years pandemic conversation percentage ... Growing stunted by the pandemic ... I'm not your boyfriend ... All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Read Will's newsletter here.
We get looped into a TIMELESS LOVE (2019) and forget our kids to: Find out what your mom's coffin would be like! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Flexing some podcast muscles ... Embarrassing personal life statement ... Accidentally watching Candace Cameron movies ... Spousal and child loss is upsetting ... Maudlin/Frothy knob ... Effective sadness ... Convoluted production history ... "Warning: Real life contains tragedy" ... A Hallmark tease diving into weird contradiction ... Break: "Miss You Most (At Christmastime)," by Mariah Carey PART TWO Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Daniel Jones analogy ... Organic chemistry ... Lit like Romper Room ... Uncannily defamiliarizing establishing footage ... Leipzig and Denver, Vermont ... Megan's mega-nihilist dad ... Hallmark's Ringu ... A lot of trauma and raw grief ... Jason Dorhing and The Stars Hollow Man ... Bad Hallmark movie, sabotagingly good indie movie ... This movie's too much like the day job ... Too interesting for the Hallmark space ... "It's 10 a.m., and I don't care where my kids are" ... Going back in time to become a bitcoin person ... No other aspect of time travel matters ... "Time did it" ... Break: "Missing You," by John Waite PART THREE Excellence is what we do ... Spot the Angel: An angel would have helped ... Where's my angel? ... Please stay on the line! ... Satan's therapist and invisible women's pain ... The Jacob's Ladder cosmos ... Eat Your Heart Out: Load-bearing French onion soup; discovering parsley; "Famous Alfredo"; sewer milk, the kind in a can; burned pancakes; double-creamer hot chocolate; unintelligible empanada truck ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 24, "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet"; Levels of hallucinatory delusion; abundant brain trauma; Episode 67, "We Named the Dog Boyfriend"; Candace Cameron as The Unhip Rufus; Utah, we're comin' for ya ... Break: "I'm Not Missing You," by Ebba Bergendahl PART FOUR Overdetermined: The opening coffin speech is peak Wine Clown; savage dad inhumanity ... The loud-talking culturally left-coast opinionated woman ... Crossover: Jacob's Ladder; The Forgotten; The Family Man; the namedrop segment; Looper ... The loop doesn't close, Dog ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A big dang no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Natalie, peak Wine Clown, either oblivious or meta-cognizant ... Windy Johnny's Hot Dogs ... "I forgot to be a person," a good line ... Who's the Real Villain: Work coma-fired me; the misogyny of her medical care; Heisenberg ... Title/Sequel: A deceptive/bewildering pun; a true title would be unsettling; Phantom Children; Overtimeless Love ... Rating: 2.5 ... Thank you for trying ... Slapstick terrible direction for Rachel Skarsten ... Asking too much of your last line of defense ... You're making a Rom-Som ... Hey, kid, I'm a mourner! ... Break: "Miss You," by Etta James PART FIVE The Leftovers: The Hallmark/50 Shades overlap universe ... The Mobius of horny-oaf between Hallmark and 50 Shades ... Kate and Pretty Little Liars ... Mom sacrificed Megan for delivery fees ... Misuse of trauma/froth ... The IMDBeat: Bro/Bra/Breh; Candlelight Entertainment; filler flix from down at the Brough Factory; Colt McCoy; no one needs to fall off a cliff; Christmas Project 2; Corbin Bernsen; Brian Bosworth; Love in Aruba, but Stalked in Paradise ... Creamy noods for your ready alfredo ... Stussy ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Utah Saints - Something Good (Dance Remix Instrumental)" by CutVocals.
We FOLLOW OUR HEART (2020) to Mountain View, Arkansas and: It's good to not be entertained ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE We're back! We're back! ... Workin' pieless before vacation ... Is this a mystery? ... Malick-inflected TV Amish ... Enough that Pie Would Remark On It ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Staggering failure, lushly plotless ... Trip Report: Mountain View, Arkansas ... The Amish will come, Ray ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO This good movie isn't good ... Somber, but made with care ... Not "star-driven" ... Logical Amish Brigadoon ... Identifiably a movie, yet still not a movie ... Otherizing the Amish ... Hallmark calling its own bluff ... Mutual belief-system abandonment ... That's not Pennsylvania Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: No ... Jeb's Amish dental obsession ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fried chicken, potato dumplings, (overcooked) green beans, wasted portions, spicy shakshuka, full English breakfast, brittle dry bacon, scrambled nubs, fondness for pies ... Serious pie is funny ... Platooning pie ... Forbidden seasonings ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Universal TV producer boyfriend; fleeing Garbage Store suspect; location shoots from meteorologists from Episode 93 ... No title effort ... Overdetermined: Talking like Libertarian Skeletor; savage sister burns in a cooking scene; a relentless volte-facing ending ... Choosing a world without family ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Witness (obviously), The Village, (Karen Gillian and Hot B*n Shapiro), CSI: Amish Grace ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Jack and Evelyn's Amish mockery vs. Katrina's autobiographical Amish ignorance ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1, great workrate, great execution ... Who's the Real Villain: Gossip vs. Incuriosity ... Title/Sequel: Generically inoffensive and thematic, "Follow That Car" and Midnight Express ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... Good, but not entertaining ... We can do more "real" movies like this ... The Leftovers: Your soul journey will commence ... The Bone Collector ... Dallas-Fort Worth Buckingham ... Random name generator titles ... Antonio Banderas gif ... Sandra L. Martin and Mountain View, Arkansas ... Married stars ... Unverified on Twitter ... Englishlifting the Pootie ... Insane bird foley ... I read your book! ... Slant rhyme ... Hurricanes ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "O.T.P. (One Term President)" by Wolverines.
SARA KATE WILKINSON takes us CRASHING THROUGH THE SNOW (2021) and: We kept the shirt on, and we liked it ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Kasem intro ... You get $20, but we never speak again ... The Edge ... "Back to normal and fine" ... A five-tool movie ... Cast rundown: Todd Burpo's doctor and Canadian treasures ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cheap air-horn ... Three notes, and a relaxed attitude toward work ... Spot the Angel: No, but give Hector a try ... Ruddy Santa notes ... Eat Your Heart Out: Many Christmas pastries; jaundiced limp goose; down-the-middle human meal; holiday dinners you wouldn't believe; Rutger Hauer voice ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Too competent for crossover; incompetent ski resorts; needlessly long episode titles; Tardis McMansion; the billiards room; more needlessly long episode titles ... Denver: America's most Canadian city ... Hotel house minimizing location shock ... Crossover: Sara Kate's improved locked-room mystery; Ready or Not, the dark game of politeness; Mighty Ducks piss-take; why did Sara Kate go Raoul? ... Overdetermined: Too self-aware; "I am Christmas"; "You're watching a movie right now!"; normal, aware flirting; dad's reality-check vs. messing where you eat; lessening the last-minute blows; gimme the fizz; co-parenting conflicts ... The Inchon Landing ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Hector's cocoa; Ski Instructor Appreciation Station; conveniently oblivious stepmom ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1.5 ... Who's the Real Villain: Losing your mom; hiding a dead parent's things; realistic potential stepdad vibes; Jeff's facial hair; no greater villain; commodified nuclear-family love ... Rating: 5 ... Actual sexual chemistry ... Implied premarital sex ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Title/Sequel: Good title; 2Crash 2Furious; Uncle Stepdad/Aunt Stepmom; Big Night at the Butterfield Inn ... The Leftovers: First Bumble reference ... TikTok ... Gremlins, the movie ... A walking Instagram post ... Grandma with an Instagram ... Tamar Laddy and Rich Newey Appreciation Station ... Phil Collins crossover ... Partner Chat: Oversize sweaters for the skinny only; GOOD bad-singing; sexy Gettysburg Address; premature matching pajamas; mom's cold marble slab ... Mom's ear-piercing privilege ... Peace with honor in the War on Christmas ... McNamara again ... Team Blitzen ... Goalie dive on the Reindeer Relay ... OJ, Nicole and the recital ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "I Got 5 on It (Instrumental)," by The Luniz. Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW
SARAH D. BUNTING joins BRANDI BROWN to solve CROSSWORD MYSTERIES: A PUZZLE TO DIE FOR (2019), starting with: A getting-to-be-so-driven exercise ... Don't look at the NY Magazine's art critic's life ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Other podcasts ... Welcome, Brandi and Sarah D. B-b-b-b-bunting ... The ironic-to-sincere Bosch process ... Amazon Original Series Bosch ... Haunted by Brandy (the boy is hers) and not snitching ... Accidental eco-terrorism fans ... How'd we pick this? ... The Cat Who Found a Floater ... Booking Brandi's mom ... Cats and Anti-Cats ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Snack-addicted NYPD Chief; art-left ring clues; the NYT crime desk ... Better than Garbage Stores and Wedding Marches; non-workable plot points, but it's still fun ... Berenstein Bears: Lost in Cyberspace ... Tension-free, but actually plotted and playing to Chabert ... Clouds > Clues ... No Chabert solidarity ... Will Shortz cameo ... The crater of Minneapolis ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Spot the Criminal: Good red herrings; a buffet of neurodifference; back to the red herrings; Pierre's Vincent Price vibes ... Sketchy character or bad actor? ... Attempted accent work ... Eat Your Heart Out: Pies, more pies; skipping lunch today; bakery downtown; cheese puffamid; the "Upper Crust"; pie alibi; bodying Murder She Baked; some sliders and fries; dine-and-dash on stakeout; letter-folding chip bag ... Pocket muffin ... Combo-Pez dispenser ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Journalismism: Zero electronic communications; crossword next to the crime desk reception area; no building security; alphabetical newspaper sections; questionable crossword construction; subscriptions are up 8 percent; crosswords, a cozy career; "no funeral for me, I'm in the archives" ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Fencing stolen paintings through Garage Sale Mysteries; theft covered on the Hallmark podcast series; Murder She Baked going in on NY pies; leads getting married at the Wedding March B&B; the red-herring couple fleeing crime; the red-herring couple being hired by Danny Glover as God; the Candyland New York of Very Very Valentine ... Overdetermined: The trauma swaps; copaganda within copaganda; biting on the red herring; Elaine the art dealer's malice; how to get in the mind of the killer ... The Unabomber ... Crossover: PBS's Ghost Writer; an American Animals take on this plot; this plot, but in a Bone Collector universe; Friends of Numb3rs ... Wholesome Se7en ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pierre, former art broker Elaine, the City of New York, everyone or nothing, Monk simulation, the city is a character and robot ... Who's the Real Villain?: Cops, death of journalism, in-person workplaces, non-digitized archives; not understanding the readership ... Substack criminals ... Rating: 4 ... Effectively using La Chabert ... Lori Loughlin returning to Lifetime ... When Chabert's Chabert ... The Leftovers: New York O'Connors ... IMDB dive ... Positive supporting performances ... Frank D'Angelo ... Time-shifted to pre-internet ... Chesley Nightengale ... "Word on the street is, don't miss it" ... NY1 Hallmark ... Webster's defines crosswords as ... Abigail Krebs ... Wrong gallery, one clue, two solutions ... No sleeping on stakeout ... Shake Shack assassination attempt ... Plugs ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Send Me on My Way," by Rusted Root. Follow Sarah on Twitter: @tomatonation Follow Brandi on Twitter: @itsthebrandi Listen to Jeb and Sarah on Quaid in Full: Links!
NPR's LINDA HOLMES joins TARA ARIANO in saying YOU HAD ME AT ALOHA (2021) and: Pick up the phone and pod. What's so difficult? Just pick up the phone and pod. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE The GOAT Lady ... Linda's Hallmark cred ... Jack Wagner Appreciation Station ... Expanding the Hallmark humane universe ... Kissing and plastic wrap ... Bad video copy or prequel-level CGI? ... Callback to _____ Mariah Carey's episode ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: First write-down effort ... Goat-plot mop-up ... Open the dress ... Hula music ... Missed goatertunity ... Ridiculous show pitch ... Extraordinary Rendition, The Show! ... 50/50 rating split ... Chainsaw ... Spot the Angel: There's no God; elves; religious Santa; Millie's mellowing ... Angel Status: Working on it ... Flower signifier ... Millie halo > Mary halo ... Eat Your Heart Out: Captain Hula's authentic Hawaiian cuisine; pineapple; "Beer"; large dinner rolls ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Every unwilling host movie; Hallmark Viacom; Ben's twin brother's Polynesian fusion; When Calls the Heart (and fan service); not even a movie; Lee Majors and Lindsay Wagner; Episodes 83, But Wait, There's Buckley; Episode 98, Buckley's Big Naturals (But Not in Excess); Episode 19, The Quotable Gus Van Houten; the Hawaiian resort you can find on Hallmark dot com ... Hallmark Hilton Head ... National Flip-Flop Day ... Hula noise ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Overdetermined: Rigid or spontaneous; chill; Ted McGinley drop; Hallmark guys in a sunken place; leaning Snyderly on the goat trauma; "I hate planning" ... Crossover: Falling Down; Promising Young Woman; Six Days, Seven Nights; Hawaii of Doctor Five-O ... Chainsaw ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Swag shout-out ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Work via boys ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: No, they have learned; Todd erasure, dailies, rage-quit and bronzer ... Journalismism: Google your co-host; Luis as manager; "goof-off time"; justification tk tk tk; too surprised by YouTube; not even implied discomfort; unemployment isn't entertainment; hosting isn't easy, and it and producing aren't interchangeable ... Who's the Real Villain: Women be organizin' ... What if a guy was afraid of rollerblading, or saw value in a woman's opinion? ... Rating: 3 (Hula music, horrendous title, jumping off things) ... The sequel ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: I've expressed all options ... Mini Classic Lines: Jeggings, wrap dresses, flip-flops ... Rick Garman Un/Appreciation Station ... Actually, write that movie, please ... Beginning the Jean Smart resurgence ... "Porch Pirate" ... John Putch Appreciation Station ... When banter's too mean ... All the beats are right ... The Sure Thing ... Let's get wasted ... "Do you think I have feelings?" ... The part where you're being more sensitive ... "I can't unplug from work!" ... Rigid people can be fun ... Where is the balance? ... You miss posting ... "Let's make out" face ... Is our SHOW too rigid? ... Just pick up the phone and call ... Podcasting tips ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Hawaii Five-O Theme," by The Ventures and Mr. Mike's Mondo Video Follow Linda on Twitter: @lindaholmes Follow Tara on Twitter: @TaraAriano Get Linda's book here. Listen to Jeb's most recent guest stint on Extra Hot Great.
MAURA QUINT returns and we DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART (2021) for: Editing IMDB to include more scared priests ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Welcome back Maura ... Flip this host ... No song ... Noom brainwashing ... "Advantage Monthly" ... New York Sports Club Magazine ... You were going to be kidnapped ... Reviewing Ohio community theater ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast Rundown ... Four Dead Girls, the Soul Taker ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... Actual evidence of movie ... Decent human relations, terrible plotting ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or the editor ... Eat Your Heart Out: Street meat; cold-brew coffee in winter; ground snout; knowing a pizza place; mentioning other food ... Journalismism: Suit and corner office; insanely hot blogger; (off-topic) making your ingenue plain; not understanding features; that ponzi thing; editorial sound-board; Lumbergh vibes; Fight Club and/or ghost editor; three-week ponzi story; "scams and fads"; Bill Simmons ultimatum; "but what does this all have to do with my relationships?"; "You think you can get some photos?"... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Affluent-guy social/travel club; Episode 57, "Wetwork for the America Pageant"; French pastry chef boot camp squats; Anxiety Paintball; Episode 84, "Badboy James and the Whole Hardbody Movement," and Episode 31, "Not All Tonys Are Baloney" ... Overdetermined: Load-bearing overdetermined; the climbing gym; "there's the guy from the restaurant" and "comfort me with your pain"; libertarian-guy vibes ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Teach me to run like Ben; the Hunter Pence School of Baseball; bathroom emergency; Marriage and Baby boot camps; Color of Night (again!) ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Clear enough; past-life regression; Dead Again ... Hmmm? A job interview? Hmmm ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Business-partner Chloe and transference ... Weird, unethical coda ... Who's The Real Villain: Any self-reflection; underfed fad/fraud story; totalizing female fallibility ... Rating: 2.5 ... No-chemistry sister ... Bangs ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE High school pendant symbolism ... Lesbian cat mom ... Hallmark's homophobe died ... From Plandemic to Lesbian Cat Mom ... IMDB Dive: The Soul Taker series; music video himbo ... Nina Weinman's oeuvre ... Episode 2, Ina Bruckner's Gingerbread Manhunter ... Chupacabra vs. The Alamo ... "A Shaolin Christmas" ... Bink Williams! ... Lunch isn't what it looks like ... What about fear? ... PalConnect ... Ben's Sex and the City voiceover ... Tom Waits ... Makeout Point Kimmel painting ... Bink, the Assassin ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Don't Go Breaking My Amp (Busker)." Follow Maura on Twitter: @behindyourback
We're adding A DASH OF LOVE (2017) and: We're going to pass on the rolls. THEME: THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel ... Brendan Penny heat check ... Barely a movie ... Wasted Gilpin ... Previously a book? ... Ecce Homo ... Real-movie themes ... Too false, weird and murky ... Cast Rundown ... Ben Wilkinson maxing out the Liotta ... The Expositional Challenge ... Nikki-Paul cassoulet meet-cute ... Deranged food/media depiction ... Leaden, arrhythmic pacing ... Lord Fox's Huron Fleet ... Is she carrying leeks into a YMCA? ... Extremely cold ... The back of a restaurant ... Sal ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Spot the Angel: No, and no community ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Summer Villa meets Chopt vs. Donovan Narrates The Investor in Botown ... Stan Kroenke ... "Why did you do that, Nikki?" ... Overdetermined: Not determined enough; The Patty Duke Show, Asshole Edition; intergenerational Johnny Sack; crayons make art too; cayenne pepper and relationship material ... Diner culture ... Crossover: Goodfellas, Dellucci's, when Bae texts first; Sweetbitter ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Job talk, Delllucci's cooking talk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Holly Hanson's meanness, funding, cooking and stealing ... Who's the Real Villain: Restaurant feudalism, funding and food culture ... Rating: 2 ... Brad Penny and the Large Lads ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cinnamon candy chili ... The other white meat ... Ingredient jump-scares ... Cadbury egg ... Increasingly upsetting food ... Community rolls ... Cardamom ... Skittlebrau ... Stew with root beer ... Valentine's ravioli and lamb mole ... Rachel Ray vibes ... Chawmp ... KFC ... Lavender Ham ... Split that loin ... Fighting the sensuality ... Joss Whedon's mom ... Two weeks... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR The Leftovers: Christie Will Wolf Appreciation Station ... From Silk Stalkings to Eric Mabius ... Identity Theft of a Cheerleader ... Slightly Single in LA ... Worst bro-bonding convo ever ... Reggie Miller and Shaq Appreciation Station ... Angry rehab-checking ... No dribbling for the sound guy ... Burst off the dribble ... Under the hoop ... Netless volleyball ... Silent Hill parent hug ... Monkey smuggling ... Cayenne in my dad ... Dad foodgasm ... Vulvular decor ... "Falling out" ... Endless Instagramming ... More Gilpin ... Atrocious coffee collision ... Mark Prior ... Fancy Food ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Baker Street (loop)," by Gerry Rafferty
We're the next big thing, and we're in the BEVERLY HILLS WEDDING (2021) and: We had to cancel the Beverly Hills wedding. THEME: "The Rockford Files," by Mike Post PART ONE Dave is baking evasive ... THE Beverly Hills wedding ... Dan Smith, BYU ... Edited by Valentine's, 2022 ... Go balls out ... Cast rundown, callbacks and The Hume Cronins ... The Expositional Challenge ... False twist expectation ... Lame excuses! ... Less charming hermeticism ... Covid makes Hallmark make sense ... That's great Malick Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Re-entering the cup of hot cocoa ... Spot the Angel: Terence Roquefort, but problematized ... Small town vs. Beverly Hills freaks ... "It used to be about the weddings, man" ... Eat Your Heart Out: Van crepes; green seafood puck; dessert colors; redneck voices; the worst champagne in Scotland; what about beer; Polaner All Fruit; gold dusting with a smattering of pearls; stagey class artifice ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hallmark's greater Pacific Northwest; Episode 50; Episode 69 ... Hallmark's version of fancypants ... Gray as hell ... The Powder disease ... Is this Pine Mountain? ... Fog of War soundtrack ... Robert McNamara's Overdetermined: You left, you failed a promise to your dreams, you suffocated your sister, this wedding will fail, you're an idiot ... Valentine's wedding candy invitation Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE The Swagony of Defeat: Nice Hyundai; Zack Snyder's Justice League; Godiva (twice) ... Crossover: "Roquefort Origins: Terence in Maine"; Malick in Maine; schnapps with or without ice ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Mom/art exhibits/photography ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Homiletic husband Gary; Knox Harrington, the video artist; "otherizing" the gay character beyond Hallmark uncanniness; Terence's Wonka-esque affect ... Who's the Real Villain?: Influencer-driven conspicuous consumption ... Creeping to the glass of the critique Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Rating: 3.0 ... Shut up, Jordan ... "Watchable" ... The Leftovers: Paul Ziller's IMDB (again!), Covered in Bugs/Possessed by Demons ... Worms! ... Just try a sweepstakes ... Hugh's ... It's Spagett! ... Jordan's opinion, not needed ... Out of your element, Jordan ... Haunted Jason Mraz-style Weezer cover ... They used "Hash Pipe!" ... Hallmark showed feet ... Tandem bike ... Abraham Lincoln ... iZombie, Marine sequel, the Craig Zahler universe crossover ... Urban clearance ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Cop Killer [8-bit John Maus cover]"
SARA KATE WILKINSON and MAURA QUINT ice over CRANBERRY CHRISTMAS (2020) and: Gabe had to go live on the cranberry farm THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE We bought the farm! ... Meet Maura ... Losing your Hallmark virginity ... A manifestation of a sick society ... The Don Jr. Face Spectrum ... Canadian cocaine ... Children shouldn't ice skate Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: The Oprah-esque Pamela Franks, a sister dating again ... 45-minute story ... Estrangement without divorce ... Sexless married reunion ... Mistletoe bed/belt ... Spot the Angel: Pamela/Oprah; everyone in the town; grandma with an Instagram ... Was Dawn Pamela's second choice? ... Pity the rich person's commute ... Hallmark having it both ways ... "Ugh! We doubled our land!" ... Overdetermined: "Just DO the work" Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Eat Your Heart Out: Frozen hot chocolate in outdoor Maine Christmas festival; cookie butter; homemade marshmallows; boxes of bread; orange and purple Christmas-tree pizzas; red-pepper tinsel; "assume Carl's Jr."; cranberry coffee syrup; the secret ingredient on Chopt; lifestyle tour brainstorming; zero yeast infections; crueler marshmallows ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 64, 70-73, 83, 94 Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR Crossover: Deranged news producer; Martha Stewart's prison bog work; selling this farm to real Oprah; Stars Hollow vibes; The Tommy Westphal universe of Taylor Doese ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Sisters and hip granny; childish ambition; camera talk ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Gabe's ability to love ... Who's the Real Villain: Headstrong ladies; time; refusing to communicate ... A couple in years of therapy ... Do these people have cell phones? ... Designed, artisanal engagement ring ... Rating: 2 ... An age-appropriate couple ... Blinds Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE The Leftovers: Making a beautiful actress dowdy ... A vengeful Director of Photography ... Schrödinger's cranberry bog ... Competent Covid logistics ... Other networks' movies ... Hunks of Hallmark (again) ... He went upstate to live on the cranberry farm ... "No! The house doesn't miss me at all!" ... Every ornament shattered, box fine ... Homemade ornaments ... Not to be rude about the Hallmark Gold and Crown store, but ... It's good that you feel bad ... Hallmark Roast ... Varieties of Hallmark parents ... IMDB dive ... Linda-Lisa ... The long haul with Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The Liberty Bell March" by John Philip Sousa Follow Maura on Twitter: @Behindyourback Follow Sara Kate on Twitter: @SaraKateW
We speak to the dead for A NASHVILLE CHRISTMAS CAROL (2020) and: We are doing this cold open live ... The Francesa Voice ... Four letters, starts with D THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Buster Poindexter ... Show business ... Terry Benedict's podcast ... The Elliot Gould of this podcast ... Podcast crisis hotline ... Defenseless before Hallmark vibes ... Country musician cats, prehabilitated Scrooge Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... "Dragon lady" on the set ... Rich person's fan script or free singer promo? ... Made by a scion of Kix Brooks ... Chet's Galaxy ... More Kasem ... 10-year overlooked phone call ... Dead and chill Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel: Come on, man ... Kimberly Williams-Paisley, dramatic interping ... Lazy British accents ... Woo Girl Paula Deen ... Eat Your Heart Out: No savories, peppermint brittle, red onions, no Kitchen Aid mixer, bad spatula ... Dennis Miller interlude ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Specter of Chet's Galaxy; Hallmark's Great Silent Majority; Wings of Desire, but outside Nashville Break: "Himmel über Berlin," by Jurgen Knieper PART FOUR Overdetermined: Jarring oafishness of ghost scenes vs. clash of lessons ... Just omit the lesson and omit existing intellectual property ... Crossover: A Hellraiser puzzle box that brings lesson-giving Cenobites vs. hangin' with Jesse Farrar vs. Pussy Relief 2021 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Pass! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Both musicians, potentially dead parents, AI dad ... Christmas really just makes these crazier ... Who's the Real Villain?: The music business/Chet ... Bitching about music video budgets ... Stop saying his name ... Just make it 5 percent more real Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 2 ... The Leftovers: Ten years is still too long at 30 ... Eric Brooks' You're Going to Miss Me ... "Drop her, creep" ... Belinda Carlisle ... luuuv too hug the head of the studio ... Haunting Covid signifier ... Old Tom Cruise on-set rant anecdote ... Ambivalence about the risk of making this movie ... Visualizing explaining why you're in the hospital ... Bill Kurtis ... Press button, receive plot ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Accidental Racist," by Brad Paisley feat. LL Cool J
We get handsome and competent with THE CHRISTMAS HOUSE (2020) and: Treat Williams is not in The Substitute ... It's natural and OK to talk about Treat Williams ... Wrong movie ... Daybrooding ... Sniper THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Handsome Podcast ... Whaddaya want, it's good ... Podcast business ... The shortcomings of "Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean" ... IT'S FINE!!! DO NOTHING!!! ... Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Cast rundown ... Marvel vs. Vigor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Breaking ground on gay kisses, adoption and parental separation ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Annnnd the interracial pairing ... Tamales and regular wine drinking ... Jeb's post in the Post ... Hallmark movie, real reactions ... Decent uncle ... Finally, an out Jonathan Bennett character ... Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO Spot the Angel: Too normal ... No Rothery ... Eat You Heart Out: Masa scones, tamales, spicy hot chocolate, cocoa and cookies (but not in excess) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A lawyer show that could actually be on Hallmark or in any Hallmark movie; the greater NYC Hallmark blob; the Treat Williamsphall Universe ... Overdetermined: Heavy-handed yet passable; Angie Everheart; early kludgy chemistry; mom and dad's mass quit ... Cincinnati chili again Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Crossover: It's already a romcom; The Family Stone genre; Treat Williams as a substitute teacher; Dennis Franz as the dad; you're not going to like whose butt it is; The Big Chill, but Santa's dead ... Sipowicz, Mamie Gummer, Anya, Uma, Wrenn Schmidt, Nute Gunray ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Implied real estate ... America's Voice ... Wife as hobby ... Bobsled friendship ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Marvelous Jim ... Partner Chat: Grift Body Spray; if these were Brits, it'd just be a regular romcom; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang; quality fluffing; Christmas drought; Salem's Lot; inflatables; court decor; sez you ... Great Moments In Moppetry: 2, for volume ... Ballbusting ... Who's the Real Villain: Non-union reality programming ... CBS's Handsome Justice ... High-low Hallmarky set design ... The Doink Doink ... Rating: 4.5 Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood The Leftovers: Who taught dad PowerPoint? ... Anya Ayora, eternal Cruz ... Screenwriter Erin Rodman, rebounding legend ... Non-consensual Instagram advertising ... Employee no-selling recognition ... Mom razzing kids ... Wise younger brother ... Strong himbo vibes ... Snack cringe ... Shutting down the florid declaration ... Enchantment Under the Vaseline flashback ... Lot Cop: Look at the back of the damn tree because of spiders ... Judy Tenuta ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, and "Spider," by They Might Be Giants
BRANDI BROWN joins us for GARAGE SALE MYSTERY: THE ART OF MURDER (2017) and: A message about our namechange. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Let's cancel! ... First, dead family, THEN pandemic ... April 13, 2019 ... Kill your computer ... Grandma troll wants the cusses ... Comic books and Hubert Humphrey Break: "Hubert Humphrey," by The Knuckle Sandwiches PART TWO The Extra Hot Great podcast universe ... Lori Loughlin ... Hallmark samizdat ... Missing Loughlin ... Superutility Sarah Strange ... Weak mystery ... The Expositional Challenge ... Cast rundown ... Plot Mop-Up ... Giant warehouse, no job ... Sorority PTA ... College is high school; high school is college ... Cropsy ... Chunks of real effort ... Un-inventoried weird art in The Kingdom of Spiders Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE Spot the Angel/Criminal: Red paint Jackoff Pollock ... Work lazy, crime hard ... Do you have a fence? ... Just sell out! ... Angelic mom-volunteering ... Kappa Kappa Kappa ... Mom-Daughter casting ... Jackee, Jasmine Guy, Tatyana Ali ... Eat Your Heart Out: Vibrational food; Keith Raniere's cult vegetables; Kramer-like cop; pizza-order clowning; randomized plausible foods; raw eggplant; Dispensary Mysteries Break: "Jammin'," by Bob Marley and The Simpsons PART FOUR Extremely shitty audio engineering ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Jen/Dani podcast; food truck universe; junk shop, Good Witch's shop, Anthropologie, a chocolatier ... Canadian accents in Louisiana, Missouri ... Overdetermined: Red paint; zesty hack; overdrawn "evil" stepdaughter ... Crossover: Sarah Strange for anything; NXIVM for food; Safe-like environmental sensitivity; Jen vs. Jessica Fletcher; Hallmark mystery Grand Slam ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dani, the Dad ... Cartoon bear ... You never leave ... Actually, everyone's a replicant ... Hummuside Break: "David Duke Is Running for President," by Skankin Pickle PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain: Helicopter parenting, underfunding the arts, toxic masculinity, lack of safety net ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: What happened to the garage sale? ... Buying stolen goods ... Twin Peaks/Law & Order ominous tones ... Tina, gut-shot champ ... Director K.T. Donaldson ... Synchronized bedtime ... Congrats on the sex ... Buying classic cars for fun ... Meghan Markle's coming back ... Mortimer B. Croup ... Rich people inventory art ... Carrying Linwood's ass ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station again ... Pete Wells ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane Bill Corbett's Funhouse Follow Brandi on Twitter!
TARA ARIANO and SARAH D. BUNTING take a trip to NORTHPOLE (2014) and: Robots, they're just like us ... Classic Tudyk ... THEME ... Joe E. Tata ... Plugs! ... Sequel book ... No Swank ... "Enough" ... Dina Meyer ... Ridgewood, NJ. 07450 ... Pleasantly surprised ... Accidentally in Love ... Paula Abdul's "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" number ... The Mac Rangers ... Wanting to talk about Fastlane ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show ... Cast Rundown and The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Nothing; you get one sproing ... More careful, more expensive ... Authentically cold ... Bailey Madison, SVU ... The John Munch Hallmark Universe ... Hallmark one-timers ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Clementine, Santa, an elfiverse ... Journalismism: Dictating to copy desk; crossword and northern lights; legit hardball; mysterious old man; correcting the TV; ask a follow-up; the Elf/Developer Trust Continuum; getting a friend fired; "Butthole Eaten at Lions Tailgate"; bold quitting ... Eat Your Heart Out: Wack elf measurements; dismembered snowman ice cream cake; no savories; the Guild of Yummy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Priscilla Presley back from Christmas at Graceland II; Gus van Houten's avuncular developer; Wedding March 17: Hit or Mistletoe; the Santa and Only Child buddy universe ... Overdetermined: The Northern Lights Cycle of Happiness; everything; Ryan lecturing Chelsea; their 16-minute emotional journey ... Crossover: Ryan as a brother in While You Were Sleeping; the Perfect Boobs Ladies Detective Agency; a Dark City for the North Pole; The Santa Con ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Folger's crystals tubbb; the Hallmark Northpole Find-Me Santa light ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryan, debatably; Jenkins, editor-in-chief ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Older, inconsistently bantery, slightly precious, 1.5 ... Every other kid in this movie sucks ... SnOMG, it's Dazzy Clementine ... BREAK ... Who's the Real Villain?: Clementine's costumer, jumping to conclusions, science, austerity, institutionalizing bullying ... Rating: 4 ... A good use of Robert Wagner ... Now accepting walk-ins ... The Tampa Bay Rays Hallmark lead draft ... Ugly to all fields ... The Leftovers: Mrs. Robert Wagner ... Sucky dad ... Actual Thiessen husband ... Tiffany Thiessen's cooking show again ... Christopher Walken in Northpole ... Boosting non-union reindeer ... Eco-quitter ... Eight movies ... Spooky Buddies ... Plugs again! ... Deer's ears ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • Theme from Beverly Hills 90120 • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane Follow Tara on Twitter Follow Sarah on Twitter Listen to Again with This Buy A Very Special 90210 Book
CASEY TAYLOR joins us and SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED for THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED (2018) and: A tedious audio warning ... We are going to Pueblo! ... THEME ... Boofed the intro ... Meet Casey Taylor ... Elite Christian postal detectives ... Casey was USPS ... Red flags ... Never be friends with supervisors ... The Signed, Sealed, Delivered universe ... Cast rundown ... Haywith guy or Dorman guy ... The Expositional Challenge: Over the line ... Dave That Failed ... Plot Wrap-Up: Norman and Rita have wedding anxiety; Shane and Oliver doubt each other's commitment; gambling-addict sister; Rachel's husband, Icetown mayor; Dinosaur park, pie restaurant; real mayor shit; shame doesn't liquidate your assets ... Colorado is a commonwealth ... Colorado of the Mind ... Enormous vehicle, walking pace ... Student pursuer ... You have to drive in USPS ... The mail and The Knowledge ... Unprepared for the serial structure, loved it ... Enjoyably immersive ... Chemistry set ... Outsider-art production vibes ... Is Oliver Norman's dad? ... Pretending to steer the car ... A good Hallmark-hermeticism movie ... Four people at a real-estate broker's conference ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No; all; appeal to Wallace Shawn; Raiders, before it turns bad; postal angels; Mr. Ass ... Eric Mabius Objectification Station ... Mannequin at J. Crew ... Casual daywear as depravity metric ... Eat Your Heart Out: Bistro Ramon; finding a single farmer's market; Norman's a pie guy; Rachel At The Farm Stand; Gumb; panicked craft services raid; no kettle chips for kids; gargantuan Francesa popcorn ... The Hallmark Expanded/Crossover: Meadow Soprano bursting into the ballroom; Vito Spatafore finding his own community, Meadow finding gentleness in Colorado; Meadow hunted by her past; too hermetic for other Hallmark properties; Arlington Road; Episodes 6, 13, 21, 29, 45, 49, 51, 58, 60, 76, 88, 91, 92 and 94 ... Barber-prescribed cocaine ... Overdetermined: You are also in prison; procedural Law & Order beats mitigate the overdeterminacy; "we're ominously going to see daddy" ... Man vs. Man, Man vs. Nature, Ashamed of Your Dad; too much allegory ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Serial-structure problems; voided by Oliver, wedding checklists; Ashamed of Husband ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everything about Oliver; surreally chaste ... Cod lips, car magnet ... Whoa! Partner Chat: Checked out early; hair callbacks; call the non-canonical FBI; militarization of the USPS; the Oliver-Sherlock connection ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Who Is the Real Villain?: Guilt/shame/alternative lifestyles; bridal shaming; product-driven publishing; technology; affected twerpy atavism; the carceral state ... Rating: 3 ... Dinged for Ramon ... Don't let Norman drive the bus ... Overtly sincere Christianity over demographic/product self-signaling ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: A rainbow of babies ... An thousand foreskins ... Pokemon go to the orphanage ... Norman, Hallmark's first overtly Jewish character ... Norman's shame at his ancestry ... A prison of bubbe ... Deliver Me ... NPR Bix Beiderbecke noise ... R. Crumb's shittier brothers ... USPS DISCLAIMER ... Bye, Dave ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC:"Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • CASEY at The New Republic here • CASEY at Mel Magazine here • CASEY'S TWITTER here
We're on the ROAD TO CHRISTMAS (2018), we'll take you there, take you there, for: Exploring the space ... Notes from Jasper, LLC ... THEME ... Countdown to Christmas in July Countdown ... Tardiness apology ... ADHD cul-de-sac ... Talent show cringe horror ... Burn down the portrait studio ... L'Allegro and Il Penseroso ... BREAK ... Meet Zac Hug ... Ethical quandaries ... Funny, playful acting and plotting, with real stakes ... Jeb's life story ... The Expositional Challenge: Flex Bomb ... Plot Wrap-Up: Family breach, sassy twin sister, competent assistant, rescue animal Christmas celebration ... Everything more alive/artful than usual ... Twinkly POC pranking ... "Silly" is a good choice ... White Elephant parties ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: None ... Eat Your Heart Out: First appearance of acorn squash; CAST RUNDOWN; Dan Quinn; Christmas tree eggnog; OJ with a cinnamon stick; a goose is cooked, abundant and low value; colorless, numerous rolls; Hidden Valley Shrimp; bacon-wrapped dates, salami, spiced onions, crudités; strategic gift reserve; normal vegetarianism; Palestine and snap peas ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Colorado, Vermont, New Hampshire, the airport, and episodes 6, 13, 21, 29, 41, 45, 49, 51, 58, 60, 61, 70, 71, 76, 87, 88, 89, 91, and 92 ... Journalismism: Standard waivers; remote servers and thumb drives; doing it in person; QZK8's omnipresent weather man; yes, that's a demotion; easily dismissed obstacles; unconfirmed interviews; an actual family company; stories tell themselves; unrecorded quote ... Overdetermined: None ... The art of not underlining ... Crossover: A peak-TV overcast NY media take on this special vs. It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Planes, Trains and Automobiles ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: If work as an overall practice/necessity/task counts, yes ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: None ... The most-closeted character in Hallmark to date ... Is the representation great or not enough? ... Hallmark staring down demographic destiny ... Jeb's Medium piece about Hallmark, LINK: HERE ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Assistant's Mini-Me ... Who's the Real Villain: None ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Allan Harmon adapting TS Eliot ... Jeb catches a stray; no party parking; But Wait, There's Echoes of Buckley ... LOT COP ... Extremely big and fabulous Jimmy Stewart ... Rejecting this alliance ... Teryl Rothery's nerves ... A nice Martha Stewart ... Nutley ... The Martha Stewart Cookbook ... Croquembouche ... Help you with the segments ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baker Street (Loop)," by Gerry Rafferty • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
JESSIE OPOIEN, CHARLES STAR and SARA KATE WILKINSON return for LOVE IN THE FORECAST (2020) and: Walking the dog ... Enjoying a whiteface Tyler Perry movie ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: City vs. Country, and The Year of Leah ... Conway, AR. ... Problematize the discourse: Charles discovers Hallmark ... Constant condescension vs. Gumpian vibes and daunted by the city vs. Grandpa disdain ... Relationship oppressed ... Unspoken traumatic marriage ... Not a smart lady ... Accidental stalkers ... Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary ... Stripping jokes from a screwball plot ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No supernatural beings; Brody the dog; canis ex machina; horndog demon buddy Darren ... This tiny farm town produced Scottie Pippen ... Charles discovers Hallmark diversity ... Nolan "Not playing for the same team" ... Tortured baseball metaphor ... From Out of Her League to Smeagol ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Nolan, from bro, to twerp, to sports turbro, to wimp ... Brain-damaged Mark returns to the farm ... Mark Brandon Appreciation Station ... Rumpelstiltskin Shit or intentional joke? ... Selective raining ... Mike Douglas, for Weather ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: What the f*** are those cheese sticks; whatcha got, Snack Man; Garfield torches an accelerant lasagna; Conway clam chowder; Chili's butter chicken; dry county; gift baskets ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Go Home, Female Journalist!; Leah's mom getting lost on the way to Portlandia; Love of Course (episode 50); the Hallmark floral distribution system, from episode 11, to 53, to anywhere ... Overdetermined: Laborious baseball analogies; "Science vs. Nature"; Amish resentment; fully loaded tater skins; go, team, go; [LINK] airbrushed image of the Tokyo Dome [LINK]; loving the country; "it always happens when you're not looking for it"; mom breaking herself off a piece; Sara Kate UNCENSORED; two overbearing nature vs. tech clips in five minutes ... Always diminishing Leah ... Just use GPS ... BREAK ... Crossover: Twister; Anchorman; Karen from Mean Girls; "We've Got a Great Big Conway" ... The bad fishing scene: manmade, overstocked, terrible casting, small pond, dead fish ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Absolutely Not ... Letters to Santa: Do we agree who is the real villain? ... Movie Rating: 2 ... Becoming an incel meme ... Horny Rating: 3 ... Not competent ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Charles' IMDB dive loves glamping; Rochelle's distracting sideline; Conway, Ontario; Straight-As to XXX ... "Feminist Hypocrisy" ... Double Daddy, Double Mommy, Dirty Teacher ... Jen Lilley casting ... Libra ... Kenny Chesney ... Dog content ... Choking Brody ... Witnessing male vulnerability and a real connection ... Buffalo Bill ... Bad ADR ... Chekhov's Dog ... Kidnapping a dog ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Riders on the Storm," by The Doors • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • LINKS: Jessie's Twitter, Charles's Twitter, Sara Kate's Twitter
SARA KATE WILKINSON helps us get SWITCHED FOR CHRISTMAS (2017), and we rebel at: A dream board! ... Poetry slam Santa ... THEME ... Cry for help ... Enjoyable, not good ... Candace Cameron: Scene partner desperately needed ... Lack of discipline ... BREAK ... Leading Lady Leaderboard update/apology ... Cast rundown ... Inadvisable pandemic/president reference ... The Expositional Challenge ... Classic recap ... Small mop-up: Urban rural binary; clueing in the kids ... Littleton, Colorado ... Christmas at Area 51 ... Douchebag pageant disruptor ... The light benzo glaze of Tom Kinder ... Rosebud ... Kate's abandoned haunted-crush plot ... Chris succeeds/Kate Flounders ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Dad vs. D-D-D-D-Dead Mooommmmm ... It's not a hard vow, it's brunch ... Candace Cameron Bure shouldn't be appealing to Candace Cameron Bure ... Tom buys a NEO GEO ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Greg, leering Christmas goober; Hallmark Sex Idiot; running marriage trials; speaking of Wonderlic ... Eat Your Heart Out: Soviet-realist gingerbread; anguish cocoa; Christopher's Prime Steakhouse; [LINK TO SCREENSHOTS]; ice cream hiding; the top of Piper's head; a really lived-in fridge; juice pitcher error ... BREAK ... Psi Factor: The Candace Cameron Extended Universe: Deklin in Evergreen; potential twin; The Jaspar Project; hundreds of Candace Camerons; Denver geographic crossovers, the US mail ... PATREON PLUG!!!! ... Overdetermined: Performatively whining/projecting about each other's lives; dad reexplaining the entire plot premise; too little faith in the audience ... Crossover: The Gemini Man; Candace Cameron in The Bourne Festivity; Sliding Doors; Candace Cameron entering real WWII history ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Two Balsam Hill scenes, and a rolling ornament tackle box; storing ornaments; holiday stunting; Ron DeSantis faces at the Balsam Hill website; adopt, don't shop ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes! ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ... Low-key and cipher-like kids ... Rating: 2.5 ... Meant to say Danica ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: STEM girl ... Why did Kate and Chris not talk about this switch and happiness for each other and ground rules for each other? ... Nice to ask if he's pushy ... Like somebody that f*cks ... Obvious jump cut ... Boring without you, now they're art ... Avril Lavigne and Johnny Blue ... Natasha Bure's "Let's Be Real: Living Life as an Open and Honest You" ... Youths ... Dog spies the doppelgänger ... Changing in the women's restroom ... Steakhouse chat ... Follow Sara Kate on Twitter @SaraKateW ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
We run to and from YES, I DO (2018) and put the top down on our Canadian convertible for: Not the gain ... THEME ... Still asymptomatic ... Mostly incorrect Hallmark ingenue stats ... Good Memories from Jessica Lowndes ... A thankless character ... Nostalgic Christmas ... Listen up, urchins! ... Hallmark Ramada filming ... Soothing demeanor ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Chocolate sabotage, live on camera ... A "mild irritation" allergy ... Authentic TV anchor voice ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Oscar, beneficent if ill-timed non-grandpa; a level-8 Higgins; advanced web-grandparenting ... Semi-recuperative himbo character ... Marcus Rosner Appreciation Station ... The Christopher Reeve Problem ... Eat Your Journalismism Out: Nicole's seamless masthead rebranding; "Can you market the cover?"; adolescent novelist syndrome; Nicole, a tornado of unethical and extortionate influence; Robert Parker vibes; the testing phase; wedding on/cover off; is it authentic; CEO reverence again; white noodled "latchkey food"; pocket chocolate; food allergy; how many minutes is Charlotte in the sequel? ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Widow/widower Prequel Universe; 2001, A Romance Odyssey; Episode 52, "Dr. Chocolate's Great Metamorphosis," and a Hallmark luxury chocolatier universe ... Overdetermined: Charlotte's arc impeaches James' indictment; ill-fitting reassignment of token gendered tropes ... Crossover: Baking with Peter Lorre on the Food Network; Children cartoon-learning antiquated celebrity impressions; 22 Short Films About Leaving Glenn Gould at the Altar ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Two female leads, and it's 100 weddings and chocolate ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: James ... Rating: 3; Jen Lilley prejudice; points for trying new stuff; Lowndes and Rosner doing yeoman's work; extra effort, extra humor ... Letters to Santa: A new segment ideal, namely: ... Who Is the Real Villain?: Pay-to-play media ... It's always going to be capitalism ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Solid pratfall ... Carmen San Diego eavesdropping ... Dashing ... Letting the text be loose and funnyish ... Violation of our terms ... "What did I do to deserve this?" ... Writers/directors teams ... Christie Will Wolf deep-dive ... "Your ship has sailed in, and it's made of chocolate" ... "Mommy, I Didn't Do It" ... Lilley, to Lifetime, to Richard Gabai deep dive ... Too far ... The Canadian Beaumont ... A-Z Guide: Title Here ... James lives in his hangar ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baby Come Back," by Player • "Ride Like the Wind," by Christopher Cross • "Also Sprach Zarathustra," by The Ventures • "Baker Street," by Gerry Rafferty • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
JESSIE OPOIEN returns for PARIS, WINE AND ROMANCE (2019) and: Quality ultimatum ... Episode NINE??? ... Pandemic saved by a dog ... Microwaved hot dog ... Time has no meaning, dinnertime doubly so ... Does this feel "pandemic good"? ... Would endorse ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... This pinot's made in...OREGON CITY??? ... No conflict ... Pairing wine with Hallmark ... Respectable dialogue ... Moderately feminist crushing ... Bulgaria vs. Pregnancy ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Lacey and Uncle Trav give it a go ... Classic Lines: How fashionable; cute but floppy; dull dress and putty-ass shoes; platinum script, bronze budget; Don Johnson jacket ... Eat Your Heart Out: Standard escargots; cleaning snails; bizarro Oregon wine takes; 400 wines and cheeses; the Eiffel Tower actually...; Ritchie Ritch ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: La Chabert in Rome; Ski resort wine and aristocratic stock ... Overdetermined: "No" vs. wine pairings, wine touting flavor-untasted, the City of Love ... Crossover: It's already mostly a regular movie vs. Sideways in Paris ... Lolita Davidovich callback to Episode 77 ... Creeping by the elevator ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: ??? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anton the Oregon wine buyer ... Selling "perfect" ... Identifying wine blindfolded ... Rating: 3 ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Endorsing this movie ... The West coast wine blogger is going to post that right now ... Gallic relaxation ... Hittin' the parfumerie ... The unforgettable woman ... Open-flame hazard ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "A Shot in the Dark," by Henry Mancini • "Un Jeune Homme Bien," by Petula Clark • "The Summer Wind," by Martin Prince (Feat. Frank Sinatra) • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane • LINKS: Follow Jessie, check out her podcast.
We wish for no more of THE BIRTHDAY WISH (2017) and instead want: Brian Williams to say "Leonard Cohen" ... The Three Canadians You Meet in Heaven ... THEME ... Governors and Dhalsim ... The city is healing ... Uptight at a Hallmark movie ... Busy for Hallmark ... Happy returns to mediocrity and confirmation bias ... Mackey Sasser and Mickey Tettleton (again) ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up ... Fun ensemble acting and characters ... Wise producer Bruce ... Strange Snowpiercer ... Russian Criminal Minds and Perry Mason ... Raymond Burr's breathing ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Optometrist ... Have bigger time-travel goals ... Eat Your Heart Out: Fried pickles; alfalfa sprouts on a sandwich; happy food dance; lived-in family moment; new to s'mores; afraid of street pretzels; nouvelle cuisine, extra sprouts; scallop puck with fish cake; one finger of still champagne; 2/3 of a beer pitcher; ribs, chicken, slaw, cornbread and kale pu pu platter with 3/4 lemonade ... Leering Black Hole Sun-style ads ... BREAK ... Plugs and sales tax! ... Letters to Santa: Marc Blucas; Andy @StudyOfSport Elrick's first two NBA Hallmark screenplays; let's remember some guys! ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: It's always wet and cold here vs. Pumpkin Pie Wars news ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Planning everything since your dad dies; canyoning; bucket list; big budgets ... Crossover: Soapdish and Hoopie vs. Alex's newscaster role in San Andreas ... Dante's Peak vs. Volcano ... The Swagony of Defeat: 2017 Dodge Grand Caravan; this isn't what I drive; room in the van; great technology and features; White Collar analogy (again!); Tim Allen ... Brian Williams and our weapons ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Not even close ... Rating: 3-ish ... The Leftovers: Julie Sherman Wolfe, the machine ... Peter DeLuise as Bill Stamos ... Money Plane and extra Lawrences ... Swole Lawrence ... John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ... Preakness poseurs ... Journey's "Patiently" ... Forlorn Nut ... 45 SPF ... Uninvited video chat ... 666 Drafts folder ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "First We Take Manhattan," by Leonard Cohen • "Perry Mason Theme," by The Blues Brothers • "Black Hole Sun," by Cibo Matto • "Here Comes the Money," by WWE and Jim Johnston • "Ride of the Valkyries," courtesy of the BBC • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
ANDY LEVY returns from finding LOVE IN WINTERLAND (2020) and: Mark Cuban's polycule ... THEME ... The Heartthrob Boyz ... Indoors ... A preview of being old ... ACME products ... Delighted to talk to anyone ... Three incredibly handsome men ... Stevie Ray Vaughn Chat ... Good pandemic distraction ... St. Elmo's Fire ... Less of an escape ... "Myeah-myeah myeah myeah myeah" ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: Only Andy may win ... Green Book, an incredible movie ... Absurd reality-show downtime ... Drifting from Hallmark movies ... Always the Wicker Man ... Well-written paint-by-numbers ... Half-hearted inclusive casting ... Moisture-wicking performance clothing ... Kevin McHale's body ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No one, or Lauren, the reality TV producer ... Extremely mean ... No bad guy ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 67; "City Girl Saves Small Town" adjacent to "Secret Prince" (Episode 58); Episode 49, Episode 63, "Denver," "Cash-Strapped Winter Resort Universe," Episodes 41, 58, 60, 80 and 81 ... Highly communicable prince ... Eat Your Heart Out: White chocolate fountain joke; pizza from the bus station; Six Layers of Snow Cake; New England Folger's Cake; here's a gingerbread man; Mountaintop Muffin and Winter Scramble; French Silk Pie; untouched green beans with lemon wedges, sauceless bird's nests of spaghetti, white wine; pot roast; chili starter; the Vermont Touch ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: The Black Box vs. The Photo Album Storyboard vs. The Things We Miss the Most ... Crossover: Ski School; paint me like one of your Canadian actresses; no fake gondola budget; Bachelor but with a Business Plan ... Letters to Santa: Chekhov's Solution callback; Christopher Kent's prompt for the ... Build a Buré Workshop: Love in the Time of Corona ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Did Hallmark reference climate change? ... There's less snow now ... [karen geier flocking callback] ... Frigid whirlwind hotel pool ... Knit a shower curtain ... Everything you hate about haggis happened in there ... "Don't protect me from reality; I'm on a reality show" ... Two first names/two last names/three last names ... The Dobrofsky's ... The Christmas Train (Episode 13) callback ... Higgins ... Sell winter ... Italia Ricci's unforgivable momness ... NewsRadio ... Off-leash freshly adopted dog ... Merry Christmas! ... • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Epic Guitar Solo," by Steven Seagal • "Militia Song," by Camper van Beethoven • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
We got the fever, so we're putting LOVE ON ICELAND (2020) and: It's a lot of pressure ... THEME ... Hopelandic ... The minimum amount of movie ... Inheriting a wildlife preserve ... Iceland is the plot ... Not obstructing the scenery ... BREAK ... TV's Andy Levy chat ... Plugz ... Icelandic surnames ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Johann's poly interests; Charlie's choice of career or kisses; Northwestern and Evanston ... Happy Endings abroad ... Old people: the best part of the movie ... End the movie now! ... Four screenwriters ... Overheard convo quit ... More scenic footage, pls ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Nobody, or Johann ... Put-upon tour guide ... Scandinavian reptiloids ... Amiable love-interest ... Journalismism: Podcasting, fun stories to listen to; drunk-sounding boss; Icelandic actors; decently plausible podcast network ... Some Brief Observations on the Nature of Jolly Ranchers ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plausibly Scandinavian food; herring supreme ... Letters to Santa Interruption: Mo Bacon trucks are product placement; Bacon Jammers ... Eat Your Heart Out Resumed: Hot chocolate spa; compass points to burning eggs; B&B kitchen invasion ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Travel agencies and charter flights all the way down to a photographers' agency ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Before the credits even finish; then again six minutes later ... Crossover: Chicago Dullard vs. Michael Lewis and Bjork ... BREAK ... Rating: 2.5 ... "I haven't been outside that much" ... Good bacteria ... The Leftovers: Arrow ... Clare Niederpruem ... Overlooking director Mariah Carey ... Leif Ericsson ... B-52's ... Vacationing spoiled rich kids ... Booking without double-checking ... Andre Agassi's camera ... Sigur and Rose ... Virgin Mountain ... Turn around and look ... Bubble hotel ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Mama Angola," by Retro Stefson • "Holiday," by FM Belfast • "Reykjavík," Sykur • "Svo hljótt," by Sigur Rós • "Mílanó," by Sigur Rós • "Glósóli," by Sigur Rós • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
SARA KATE WILKINSON'S empire lies in ruins in the LOVE AND SUNSHINE (2019) and she's: Not buying Winnie Cooper ... THEME ... Deeply irritable ... Letters to Santa: They mentioned 9/11; a long way to get a dog in a house; wrong since Episode 3; can houses burn in Hallmark?; "A Season of Recovery" ... Troops without trauma ... A strange age scale ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Quaid In Full plug ... Michael Caine in Jaws 4 ... Danica McKellar on podcast probation ... The Expositional Challenge ... Jordan in the air ... Plot Mop-Up: Landscaping job; overstuffed with ex-partners; reenlisting the dog; military golden retriever ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Tricia Collins, Sunshine ... "We have politics about foster dogs" ... The Angels are in America ... Eat Your Heart Out: A diabetic party with lossless plates; bald eagle cupcakes; two-day welcome-home feast; Dear John apology pie; every possible dessert; three wine mentions; SURREAL SCREENSHOT; listener suggestions (memento mori; writer bubble fetish; Wuhan Virus); sugary lemonade; you just POURED the wine ... Agenda 21 ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wedding planners (Episode 69); tulips, dogs, the Pacific Northwest and the military (Episodes 11, 18, 55, 57) ... Mark Deklin Intensity Appreciation Station ... Hallmark Made 9/11 happen ... Overdetermined: The 9/11 Trauma Swap; landscaping project summation; recapping relationships to a dog; "I guess we share more than a dog"; thank you for your service ... War on terraces ... BREAK ... Crossover: Jake Terry could appear in any action movie; or in Leave No Trace; the Parasite rock; an Iraq War town in the valley of Elah ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Passes within 90 seconds, fails for the rest ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ben and Donna, pathological exes ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 3 ... LOOGY ... Chad Bradford arm error ... Rating: 2.5 ... So weighted with fetishized sacrifice that a light screenplay can't support it ... Two lives' chewed up by the machine ... Mythologized masculinity indivisible from patriotism ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Mark Deklin Appreciation Station #2 ... Pot your plants ... Pastel dog-washing hose ... Wife Chat: Dyeables shoes; sweatless workout; flowers that don't bloom at once; exposed deck picket ends; massive cheesecake; Danica cleans up after the party; engagement ring in pocket ... Ellie Kanner's LA comedy tie-in ... Infantilizing Bess Armstrong with technology ... "I have a debt I have to pay" ... War was challenging, but I made some buds ... Loving dogs isn't a personality ... Clawlike dog petting ... FBI sting fake movie ... "Based on a NYT mag article" ... Scientology ad ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Teenage Pregnancy," by Cake • "You Raise Me Up," by Josh Groban • "Let the Eagle Soar," by former US Attorney General John Ashcroft • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
SARA KATE WILKINSON exclaims YOU'RE BACON ME CRAZY (2020) and we choose between: The heart or the sandwich ... THEME ... No! Plans! Til Flag Day! ... Governor-Mayor prank fight ... "Kind of a DUI Guy" ... Jamaican Me Crazy ... Oover ... Donut Go Breaking My Heart ... Zero conflict ... Sara Kate check-in: These are slickly generic now ... A boring misunderstanding of food trucks ... Framed-photo food truck ... Dull, but adult! ... Sous vide chicken breast ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Olivia Steele-Falconer and Rhiannon Fish ... The Expositional Challenge: 39 seconds, a new record ... Plot Mop-Up: Food truck followers; disputed BLP; a tepid chef's past; a family realty ... Spot the Angel: "A plot was discharged" ... Tessa saboteur ... Cleo Martinelli's blonde pizza gestures ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: WTC Skyline Chili in Portland; Nate's Kevin Love trajectory; Casey Manderson as Brittany Bristow; tulips, Dellavadova, sandwiches and Quato; page A1 Amy Acker restaurant review ... Lincoln Rhyme: The Hunt for the Bonefish Grill ... Crossover: Cleo on Top Chef; The B-Team; Cleo chasing Ratatouille ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No confrontation; expo dumps; slight teases; nothing ... Getting picked up in a farmer's market/Getting negged in a farmer's market ... Michael Rady: The Hallmark Paul Rudd ... Rating: 2.5 ... Got the Hibbert in ... INTERMISSION ... Eat Your Leftovers Out: What do you know about persimmons? ... I woulda never thoughta that! ... Smashing wack fruit ... Persimmon: rare for a reason ... Heavy metal music cue ... Neck tattoo of a fork ... Tribbiani-voiced call-in order ... Bacon Jammer/Bacon Stack ... Sriracha-braised cheesesteak ... Big Italian sandwiches ... Spooky Buddies Mysteries (Air Bud Canon) ... Spring movie theme aimlessness ... Cold opening-day weather ... Fun elbow swiping ... Housebroken love of teenager jokes ... BREAK ... Bread note, bread hipsterdom, shut the bread up ... Bread sweatin' ... "Is that cilantro?" ... The "Have Fun!" food competition ... New flavors ... Foodie paradise ... "Flavor sauce" ... The secret ingredient is love ... Fluffy meatballs ... Ranunculus ... The heart of the highway ... BOOK REPORT: "You're Bacon Me Crazy" ... Optioning the Highlights universe ... Allan Harmon filmography: Police Academy, The Net, Untold Stories of the ER (Skewered Skydivers, Pipe in Head, Ice-Cold Mom, Radioactive Rocks/Poked by a Cactus, The Littlest Stroke, Extra Dose: Turtle Trouble) ... Julie Warner and sexual intrigue ... Michael Rady's maybe sincere Stockholm Syndrome interview ... Last-second added conflict ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "The Reward Is the Cheese," by Deadmau5 • "Intermission Music," from Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail • "Bacon Fat," by Andre Williams • "Know Your Chicken," by Cibo Matto • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
We find the novel coronavirus A NOVEL ROMANCE (2015) and: Leave the long beat in there ... THEME ... Asymptomatic Patreon pitch ... Bill Mitchell's diarrhea conspiracy ... Worst version of a familiar plot ... Very sneaky, sir ... Tommy Bahama-ass chat look ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... Orphan Black boyfriend ... The Expositional Challenge ... Let's do some addendums ... Jackie Facilitatrix ... A forensic accounting of BadBoy James ... Not Portland, Maine ... A Frankenstein of failed Hallmark screenplays ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Possibly Jackie, beneficent over-manager ... Almost an Angelfire blog ... Journalismism: A long beat about staff cutbacks; extreme opinions, web hits; August Cools Off; ID your book critic; these idiots would pivot to video; uncomfortably real; Riveting Reads dot Com; Record Building; cutting the arts department last; Journalism 101; we love Burkeman, folks ... Wealthy, retired bathroom cop ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Not All Tony's Are Baloney journalism creep; the Neurotic Hallmark Heroine Literary Agency; commenter drama ... Meet Me in Temecula ... Call me worm ... Overdetermined: BadBoy James exposition dump; Dylan Moran in Shaun of the Dead vibes; Casey Manderson, repeat supporting creep; nothing has happened; bookworm v. batboy; terrifyingly childish love; framed photo already ... BREAK ... Crossover: BadBoy James and Any Given Sunday ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: We think so? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Almost everybody; Charles S. Dutton's magical minority; Dutton selling placeholder text ... A sports bar that hates sports ... Rating: 2.5, for trying ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Bonefish is waiiiiiting ... Book critic in a sports bar ... Getting centered in Portland, staring at family portraits ... Redeye logistics ... First-class drinking ... Mark Griffiths, Feldman, Haim, McBride, Hardbodies and Hardbodies 2 ... Huggo ... The Whole Hardbody Movement ... Dangerous in first class ... Lincoln Rhyme ... Poor running form ... "Maybe I'm Dwyane Wade" ... Frankfurt Club ... Electric Banana vs. (Hey Now) Niel, Portland Band ... Seems you're a magnet for tragedy ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Read It in Books (John Peel Session)," by Echo & The Bunnymen • "The Book I Read," by Talking Heads • "U2 (Special Edit Radio Mix)," by Negativland • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
There's no quarantine delivery so we shop LOVE IN STORE (2020), and: We're talking about Buckley ... THEME ... Our quarantine drug regimens ... Alcohol's time to shine! ... Toddler elbow drop ... Brandi update ... Can you rewatch this? ... Coach's clipboard ... Hallmark housebroken ... Kinetic directing ... TNT Original Series Leverage ... MST3K Channel ... Almost never fascist ... Just Shoot Me ... Nailing the leitmotif ... BREAK ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Spot the Angel: Jackée, the trickster god ... We're talking about Pompey, talking about Crassus ... Eat Your Heart Out: Tandem-bike picnic; horizontally stored cheese assortment; corporate break room and snack plates; butter-popcorn jelly beans; overbearing, unpalatable chips; chipotle steak rub; remarkably normal food ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips and Episodes 11 and 53; Episode 55's nautical issues; Episode 51's house-flippers; Episode 68's marriage reality show; Episode 76's travel shows; Episode 17's clothes; Episodes 10 and 22's secondhand clothes ... Goth conversion therapy ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Amy's trip report on Episode 82's Love's Complicated ... Overdetermined: Authentic escape-room content vs. The caveman theme vs. "I love your co-host!" vs. Vacuuming and imperfection ... Robert Buckley Appreciation Station ... Increasingly thankless iZombie role ... Rob Thomas Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Crossover: An iZombie recap trauma swap vs. Disclosure/Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf/The War of the Roses ... Rick Reuschel bobblehead ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: ??? ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Humanesque ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Highly efficient 2 ... Rating: 4.5 ... Great callback ending ... BREAK ... The Swagony of Defeat: Massive SHC product integration and a return to Balsam Hill; White Collar's Ford Focus; Organic swag ... The Leftovers: There's no store ... Francesa fart noise ... Smokey Robinson and real, good music ... Unexcruciating dance number ... This wasn't on the way to school ... The bizarre centrality of a shopping channel in their private lives ... Watching game tape ... "Love on the Hallmark Channel" ... Moonlighting ... Matryoshka Hallmark movie ... Kate validating our enjoyment ... IMDB Dive: More Paul Ziller and Untold Stories of the ER ... Joie Botkin ... Merry Christmas! • MUSIC: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Dazzle (Glamour Mix)," by Siouxie and the Banshees • "Careless Whisper," by George Michael • "Smooth (Instrumental)," by Santana • "White Collar Closing Theme" • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane
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