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Topic Lords, the only place on the Internet where you can hear topics discussed!

Jim Stormdancer

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    • Sep 26, 2022 LATEST EPISODE
    • weekly NEW EPISODES
    • 1h 4m AVG DURATION
    • 153 EPISODES

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    Latest episodes from Topic Lords

    153. I Can't Wait For My Cockroach Lipids

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 26, 2022 63:34

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * James * Avery Topics: * Stone paper * "The Flashing Blade" * The Number Ones * * * BREAKING NON MAMMALIAN MILK NEWS!! Sorry mammals, cockroaches make milk and it is considered a complete food Microtopics: * The latest on whether or not you've been canceled. * Spotify rejecting your album because you don't believe in yourself enough. * Spagbol. * The very one that is being digested by you now. * * Paper that is 60% stone. * The price you pay for participating in art. * Coffee that is more powerful than a laptop. * What happens if you try to shred margarine. * Documents only for the document control society. * The Novelty FBI raiding your house and confiscating your Novelty Top Secret Documents and hiding them in their fake Groucho Marx glasses. * The guy who bought the last 100 Groucho Marx glasses from Party City. * Moustache Ninja. * Why more people aren't talking about Moustache Ninja. * The height of Pirate Ninja Robot Mustache Mania. * Ankle Biter Man. * Atrocities Guide. * One of many reasons why real life superheroes are a bad idea. * Superheroes: police except there is no oversight whatsoever. * Avery's Angels on Phoenix Jones. * If Seattle police arrest you for being nude, they are legally obligated to provide you with a dinner jacket for your jail stay. * Heath Ledger instructing the audience to charge their shower. * The Masked Magician Revealed. * TV stage magic. * David Copperfield raising the Titanic. * The Cheap Trick song that got to #1. * The songs that hit #1 because General Hospital used them on the soundtrack. * An antidote to the idea that music used to be better. * Breaking Up is Hard to Do. * Finding a way to enjoy art that you didn't like before. * Getting old and liking boring music. * What radio formats overlap with Beautiful Music. * A foam snake that shoots thirty feet into the air and then drifts into a nearby tree. * Tumbling over the rocks until you paint them with your belly's blood. * That other flesh, heavy with milt, bruised, battering toward the dam that lips the orgiastic pool. * Limber and firm in the state of his shining, forever inheriting his salt kingdom, from which he is banished forever. * The most animalistic and primitive part of your consciousness. * An Atari 2600 game inspired by a poem about a fish. * The level in Dante's Inferno where you have to fight unbaptized babies. * A game with one foot in the majesty of Greek mythology and the other foot in what it's like to bash someone's head into the concrete. * A great use of thumbsticks. * Whether Wisdom Tree would've published the Dante's Inferno video game. * Spending your entire life obsessed with the pear you stole as a kid. * An illumination of someone kneeling in front of a pear tree and weeping. * Pop songs about relationship situations. * An idea that is not as old as music. * A piece of music going right for the emotion, like the Windows Startup Sound. * Melody in lyrics, in conversation with each other. * Seeing a person and drawing a stick figure. * How do I get too much into my own head? * Why you're turning into a fish, and what the fish represents. * Sea Monkeys' Garden of Earthly Delights. * Do we want to get to the Cockroach Milk? * Being accosted on the street by Topic Lords fans asking for non-mammalian milk news but you're like "sorry I'm saving this for Topic Lords" * How many cockroaches it takes to make one serving of cockroach milk. * Sobbing in front of the slab of meat that Rocky punched. * Pouring cockroach milk onto stone paper to prove its resiliency.

    152. National Butterscotch Pudding Day's Eve

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 19, 2022 60:24

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alex * Shannon Topics: * Rebranding a Country * The single-celled dog * Joe Hart still hasn't cleared out the vampire dens * * i hate it when i cant even write a poem about something because its too obvious. * * National Butterscotch Pudding Day (Sep 19) Microtopics: * Tying on the tiebreaker. * Cambodian street food. * Topic Time!! * Two countries in the process of changing their names. * Whether sovereignty was ceded. * Tourism videos encouraging people to pronounce your country's name correctly. * History continuing to happen after you leave high school. * Changing your name to North Your Name to get an alliance with NATO. * A bonanza for globe manufacturers. * The United States of Mexico. * Germany's reaction to the United States changing its name to The United States of Germany. * Playing the wrong Korea's national anthem by mistake. * Switching to Roguelike Alphabetical Order so Zimbabwe doesn't always go last. * What does it mean to be a particular kind of animal? * Transmissible cancer. * A breed of dog that no longer exists as a dog but does exist as a strain of transmissible cancer. * CTVT. * HeLa cells. * Whether Henrietta Lacks is still alive. * How to fix 20,000 years of evolution. * A dog that is unlike extant dogs. * When you decide to change your evolutionary niche from macro to microorganism. * Cancer that is smart enough to not kill its host. * How cancer interacts with your mutant healing factor. * What this is and why it's happening to you. * Why a two year old wants to play in a copper mine. * What kind of mines New England vampires lived in. * Rearranging a corpse so that the vampire can't walk. * No Arizona Mine Draculas. * Joe Hart: defending our vampires. * Change that you can really make, if you live in Arizona. * Not getting the Google results you want because of sports mans. * The pros and cons of vampire bats. * Abandoned mines serving as habitats for 28 bat species that are crucial to the local ecology. * Persons currently experiencing vampirism. * Can't Have Shitting Gotham. * Adding line breaks to someone's complaint about a glow in the dark star to make a poem. * The imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. * A life situation that is so poignant that it's impossible to write a poem about, so you describe it in prose and wait for a Tumblr user to come and add some line breaks. * A monologue that you could read in many different ways. * Returning to Tumblr because you have more thoughts on the painted-over star. * Responding to every text from your daughter as if it's a formal letter to a long-lost cousin. * Putting glow in the dark eyeballs on your closet door. * Putting you pudding under the Pudding Tree for Father Pudding. * How you grow the Pudding Tree. * Werther's Compromise. * Using Werther's Originals as dentures and you have to replace them every hour. * Removing the butter from scotch to get butterscotch. * Soft crack vs. hard crack. * Those terrifying Pillsbury tins that you bang on the counter and they explode and breadsticks come out. * How to determine if your candy in progress is in the soft ball stage. * What is pudding? * Having an existential crisis on Butterscotch Pudding Day. * Butterscotch Buttercream Frosting. * All the Lords that are fit to print.

    151. A Fantastic Way To Escape From Your Loved Ones

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 12, 2022 67:45

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mike * * Adam * Topics: * Cooking is awesome * * Profound kid questions ("how do you like something?") * Mr. Jaws * * Distant Regard by Tony Hoagland * * Having very tight standards that you hold in one part of your creative life that you totally ignore in other parts. As a game artist, it drives me crazy when people make creative decisions without solid design to back them up ("My game has a PSX art style because I think that's neat"), but as a musician I played in a garage rock band without any reason other than "50 year old music is neat". Microtopics: * Desktop Dungeons Rewind. * A rug that looks like a cat's face. * Starting a game studio with your life. * How the whole butch/femme thing works. * After the fall of civilization when the guy with an iPod is the most important person in the village. * Your FK-IK rigging skills really paying off in the post-apocalypse. * How much kayfabe is happening right now? * Whether the PS5 exists and whether you can play Jamestown Plus on it. * A great way to nurture and nourish your loved ones while also staying away from them. * Soaking Ls. * Whether Jim has a sister-in-law. * Top three texture-bothers-me foods. * Jim's position on eating eyeballs. * A snack that can look back. * Sucking on the window to the soul. * Ordering your tuna salad extra starchy. * A deep appreciation of the sandwich arts. * Making a Youtube series where part of the bit is that it's really professionally made but also that means you need to do all the dang work, and also maybe you're not good enough to do it as professionally as you think. * Getting a real video editor to do the parts that are edited like a normal video but editing all the parts that are bullshit yourself. * A daughter in rock climbing camp. * Describing Cosmic Cat socks to your dad. * How to enjoy things. * A series of experiences that enter your body via your sensory organs. * Laying a framework for understanding the self. * Encoding your musical taste in a C program. * Configuring human behavior on an iPad. * Feeding the Reddit grist mill with season 4 of Westworld. * Living near a pleasing combination of straightaways and turns so you have to hear people racing motorcycles at all hours. * The emotional status of the teenager who flipped his car in front of your house. * What to say after a car accident to convince passers by to not call 911. * An SUV that looks like a t-rex just tried to eat it driving the wrong way on the Bay Bridge. * Bombing back into San Francisco in your exploded car. * Seeing someone driving recklessly but it's okay because the car has a bumper sticker saying "Everything is fine. We're not drinking in here." * Taking a joke that someone else made and making another joke out of it. * As topical an artifact as you can imagine. * Repetitive and familiar two-minute chunks of sound. * The They Might Be Giants album that has the giant squid on the cover. * Singing Fingertips from start to finish. * The amount of work that went into the cover art of Dickie Goodman's Mr. Jaws. * DJing from a dinghy. * Writing a thank you note to your travel agent. * The clouds blowing overhead like governments and years. * Secular Americans having to reinvent gratitude since they don't pray. * Parts of you that you think make you a better person. * Valuing something in yourself but not being sure how you got there. * Having taught yourself a bunch of hard things and learning to trust the process of learning a skill. * Civilization: something we agreed to do. * The difference between doing something professionally and doing it for fun. * Trying to sneak into a giant hovering ball of rock. * People who are hungry for topics refusing to hire you.

    150. Your Honking Monotoe

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 5, 2022 61:46

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Jenni * * Tyriq * Topics: * Hot Topic * Toe picks * * Topical medication * Groke asks: My friend (who is completely unaware of this podcast and did this apropos of nothing) emailed the Mars chocolate company to find out why the Topic candy bar has that name. "Dear Mr Smith, Thanks for getting in touch about our MARS product. The Topic bar has been a firm favourite since it's introduction in 1962, unfortunately over time the origin of how the Topic chocolate bar came to be called Topic has been lost and now it has become a mystery that we are still trying to discover'. If you need any more information, please let us know. Kind Regards, Nasteha Tiirow Consumer Care Mars Chocolate UK Reference No: 00366098" * Test of Proficiency in Korean * Topic Records * Microtopics: * Who has been on Topic Lords the most often. * Plugging a leaky dog. * Whether dogs know about consent. * A store in the mall that teenagers go to. * Stranger Things merch in the Hot Topic. * Squeezing the timeline. * The goth-emo shift of the aughts. * The phrase "big tiddy goth girlfriend" which will far outlast the word "goth" in general usage. * Dark Academia: emo but in school. * Trying to do actual research in an Elden Ring library. * Rustic Dark Academics. * Buying a sweet Kirby t-shirt at GameStop and getting a compliment on it from your therapist. * Minnesota: the Land of Lakes. * Dogehouse Laser Tag. * A variety show that shows a variety of Youtube videos. * The internet and real life merging, to the detriment of both realms. * Everyone's top four toes. * Intrusive thoughts about feet, the worst body part. * What the guy who runs the nude model sketch thing thinks of your feet vis-a-vis your age. * The most awkward encounter of your life until the next day when you run into the same guy again. * Sending a picture of your feet to the same friend every year. * Putting 720° in a Marble Madness cabinet so that when people can't figure out how to play it and ask you how, you can ask them to show you their feet. * Top ten toe beans. * Mr. Frito-Lay smelling a dog foot and thinking "I want a chip that smells like this!" * Nothin' but thumbs. * Whether a horse hoof is just one big toenail. * What people would look like if they had the proportions of animals. * The indecency of seeing a bird's knee. * Medication you're supposed to use topically but it also tastes good. * The ester they use to indicate that even though this hand lotion smells good, it also smells like you shouldn't put it in your mouth. * Very petroleum-based very fake coconut. * Chris Hemsworth answering a question at a press conference when one of his assistants says "it's time for your hourly chicken" and shoves a chicken breast in his mouth. * Deep-frying the inedible part of the edamame. * Chewing your food as many times as possible. * Elaborate traffic jam metaphors for chewing food. * Hitting the big four-two. * The Box of Celebrations. * Describing a Twix bar without ever saying the name Twix. * When the moon hits your eye like a big chocolate gravy, that's a mole. * Trying to buy just one Andes Mint so you go to a hotel or a steakhouse in 1997 but the host won't let you buy it, they're like "just take it and leave." * Triscuit: it's one more than a biscuit. * Champion Racehorse Electricity Biscuit. * The Shape of Electricity, starring Pikachu. * Winston drinking all of your water. * Being proud that you translated a sign in a language you're learning, then looking just below that sign and seeing a translated sign in your native language just below it. * Sneaking into somebody's room and replacing their diary with their diary translated into Korean. * Saloon: just a salon with an extra O. * The room where you keep your art collection in a pile on the floor and visitors can come in to dig through it. * The podcast where we talk about Robin Tunney. * Selling Soviet and left-wing political music by mail order. * The Hundred Best Poetry Topics. * Why it is so frustrating to be frustrated.

    149. Croc Nutz

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 29, 2022 66:00

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Erica * David Topics: * A partnership between you and a tool * Schmalhausen and Vernadsky, my own personal ARG * Stop trying to make "a wedge is a machine" happen. It's not going to happen * * The Poetry Teacher, by Mary Oliver * * Drinking vinegar * Microtopics: * Taking an allergy pill and getting something unexpected. * Nap skeptics. * Non-stop napping. * Wanting to eat nothing but spinach for two days so you go to Disney World and pay extra for all the park employees to tell you that in the happiest place on Earth we only eat spinach. * Who gets to chew the grape next and for how long. * Forgetting a story after you tell it, so you can tell the story back and forth forever. * A plastic grape that dissolves in your nose. * The least favorite thing that you bought during the pandemic. * The collective politico-pandemical nightmare. * A shitty partnership between you and a shitty tool. * Ol' Slicky. * Tools that bring you distress. * Whether it's legal to open carry a claymore in Texas. * A decoration you can put on your truck just in case nobody knows what an asshole you are. * Whether you can open-carry a dildo in Texas if the dildo is also an assault rifle. * Gluing a penis to things you don't like and explaining that "this is a partnership between you and a tool." * Papers that you really approve should've read fifteen years ago. * The parallel world of the Modern Synthesis. * Soviet biologists who were recognized in their time but have since been forgotten. * Stalin's purge of scientists researching Mendelian genetics. * Being evacuated to Kazakhstan and fed only wilted spinach so that you can finally write the book you've been thinking about. * Bringing your adopted pet wolf back with you from Kazakhstan. * Growing up after the Russian revolution in St. Petersburg. * Delegating research by convincing the Game Detectives folks that there is a pop culture reward behind it. * Your own personal ARG that only you care about and doesn't lead to any goal except knowing more facts. * The point of games. * The creativity that exists in fiction that you wish you could capture in nonfiction. * The advantages of reality over fiction. * Becoming disenchanted with capitalism in the 1920s. * The Demon Haunted World. * Escaping from Stalinist Russia into Nazi Germany. * Cheers to a boring life. * A slightly tilted floor. * Electrifying the wedge so it's finally a machine. * The xkcd comic from 15 years ago that lampooned the way Wikipedia articles used to be stereotypically bad. * Being good at math and assuming that also means you'd be good at writing an encyclopedia. * Whether Wildlife Ecology is a different field from Wildlife Biology. * The shittiest source that Wikipedia will accept as a citation. * Citing George W. Bush as a source in your peer-reviewed paper about climate change. * All the dogs arriving at once. * Dogs teaching students how to write thirsty happy poems. * Dog Songs (2013) * Deliberately putting line breaks where they seem least intentional. * The Wedge of the Poetry World. * Dinging the pan to proceed. * The manufacture and use of short-chain fatty acids. * Fixing an ulcer with vinegar. * Fuck you, I'm drinking a shrub. * Drinking balsamic vinegar and then rinsing with baking soda. * Butter and vinegar, together at last.

    148. Dual-Wielding Ingresses

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 22, 2022 68:16

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * CisHetKayFaber * * Phone Topic Lords: * Why are Japanese adult video titles so long and weird? * 3DS Street Pass * Service at Lou's Diner is incredible * * * The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, by Gil Scott Heron. * * People that do things Microtopics: * Seeking penance from the Topic Lord. * Dual-purpose infotainment. * Getting a new job that is better for your mental health. * The People's Republic of Wal-Mart. * Maximizing human dignity. * Jennifer Government. * Works of stilted microfiction describing porn contents. * Information density and reading speed in Japanese writing. * Accidentally machine-translating the wrong field. * Organizing your porn by publisher. * The full title of Robinson Crusoe. * When movie trailers stopped giving the whole plot away as a matter of course. * Setting your most recently played game to "Health and Safety Information" before going out to collect 3DS street-passes. * Trying to get 3DS street passes on in suburbia. * Edging towards the playground to get 3DS street passes without getting close enough that people notice you edging towards the playground. * Walking backwards into the playground, staring at your 3DS. * Taking over a gym and leaving something behind. * A lady with three phones and a tablet out who you are sure is making a drug deal but it turns out she's just playing Pokemon. * Collecting all the territories in 3DS street pass. * The critically acclaimed MMORPG Final Fantasy XVIV now with the free expansion up to level 60. * A problem that helps you exercise. * Wandering around Willow Glen dual wielding Ingresses. * Attacking a portal in an AR game and some guy in cargo shorts comes out of his house to politely ask you to stop. * Min-maxing your Burger King visits to become the mayor of Burger King. * Hacking the limiter on your chocolate milk tap. * Lou's superhuman beverage production. * The era of automats. * How they stored coffee in the 1950s. * Having one of each thing on your menu ready to give to potential customers immediately. * The turnaround on a queue of hamburgers. * Spaghetti and blankets at the Japanese McDonald's. * The MegaMuffin. * The Bojangles biscuit game. * Losing yourself on skag and skipping out for beer during commercials. * Nixon playing a bugle. * A revolution to get rid of the nubs. * Sliding a color TV into a stolen ambulance. * Only letting people into the revolution who can't spell Natalie Wood's name. * Dreaming about the end of television. * The BBC covering climate change by talking about how nice and sunny it is. * The guy who wanted to work at Nintendo so he got a job working at Nintendo. * Improving your tools and workflow because you're procrastinating doing actual work. * Playing Tetris on a gamepad vs. on a keyboard. * Tetris APM. * Switching joycon hands because you're accustomed to using the arrow keys with your right hand. * Making friends the wrong way in Japan. * Making things on purpose vs. making them accidentally. * Knowing how to act in a Japanese meeting. * Learning how to work towards a goal every day whether or not you feel like it. * How to tell when a game is ready to ship. * Going to the grocery store and explaining to the cashier about the cool art you make and they're like "great but you still have to pay for this food with money."

    147. Part-Time Cryptids

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 15, 2022 60:04

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Laura * * Nick * Topics: * Can the biological function of expelling waste be improved in any way? Should humans expel waste differently? * The Hobbit: Dopesmoker Edition. (it's great) * Gato Gonzales and the Guts Pose * Nick at the Montreal Screwjob: * The Fish, by Elizabeth Bishop * * Twitter's UI has changed "Top 3" and "Top Fives" into "Top Four" * Every Monday, when you wake up in the morning, you discover that you have grown EXACTLY one millimeter taller. This continues throughout your life, so you will grow about 5.6 centimeters per year for the rest of the time you are alive. In ten years, you will be 1.8 feet taller than you are now. If you are 30 years old right now, you will be 7.3 feet taller when you reach 70. If you are 5.5 feet tall now, you will be 7 feet tall in just over 8 years, at which point you will start to look really weird. How does this change your life? What do you do about it? There is no cure for this condition, because it is caused by magic, not science, and there is no countercurse. Microtopics: * The type of band that has four songs per album. * Creating ambient soundscapes via a series of guitar pedals. * Johnny To. * Interpersonal violence and the right to be perceived as human. * A world where everyone knows Judo for some reason and they fight each other with Judo all the time. * The quality of life edge that birds have over humans (their urine to feces ratio) * A nozzle in your wrist like spider man so you can poop into the tiny hole in the wall that everyone's house has for wrist poop nozzles. * Improving the human condition with a wall hole and maybe a wall tank. * Burying a pile of trash but also putting a photograph and a floppy disk in there so if you ever get in trouble for your pile of trash you can claim it's a time capsule. * How geniuses empty dumpsters. * Everyone taking the first Monday of the month off of work to poop and at 6pm the city's plumbing system explodes. * How to monetize pooping teens. * American poor being condemned to a low quality poop zone whereas in Europe they have luxury poop villas. * Locking your dumpster so it's not filled with old carpet overnight by marauding carpet installers. * A Person on Twitter. * Playing a stoner album at the same time as a stoner movie. * An album/movie combo entirely bereft of revelatory synchronicities. * The most wrinkly hobbit. * Whether Gandalf was actually smoking something or if that's just something people joke about. * Brian Moriarty's multiple GDC talks about looking for secrets where there are none. * Writing a classic rock album intended to be played simultaneously with Boss Baby 2. * Rodolfo "Gato" Gonzales's legacy in Japan. * What the Guts Pose means to you. * Assigning elaborate meaning to each fist in a fist pump. * Henry Cavill reloading his fists. * Playing Rock Paper Scissors with Mario whenever he collects a moon. * A little head tilt to get you in the right mood to pick up rocks. * Whether Guts Berserk is named after Guts. * Elden Ring as Berserk fanfic. * Understanding and enjoying Elden Ring in a new way. * Attending the Montreal Screw-Job but not having any idea what's going on. * Taking a photo to prove you were at a historical event but the flash just reflects off the bald head of the guy in front of you. * A poem describing a fish. * A five-haired beard of wisdom. * A poem with fantastic mouth feel. * Catching a fish while dad is in the bathroom and screaming at him to hurry up because you don't know what to do with a fish. * Downloading a poem to your hard drive. * A good idea or at least a fun idea. * Whether you can believe the web design on this * Killing software like only a 90s dad can. * Eating nachos every night. * Wanting to do things in fours because on Twitter you can attach four images to a post. * Top Four Favorite Sandwiches. * Refusing to share your top anythings. * That time Nintendo burned a hole in the palms of millions of children. * The ways Pokemon Go encourages you to put your phone down. * The kinds of places that society benefits from Pokemon Go not being played. * The Pokestop Review Process. * Two excellent reasons not to ship the Virtual Boy as a helmet. * VR chaperones. * Being okay with growing too tall but only if you have friends who are also growing way too tall. * Small inconvenient things about growing taller. * A cryptic giant living on a mountaintop. * Being 10 feet tall and retired and figuring out how to live in a normal sized house. * Doing CSG with caves and shirts. * Modular clothes that you can reconfigure to cover your changing body. * A wisp of a person with an eternal tube sweater. * Not wanting to become a spaghetti but respecting anybody who wants to become a spaghetti. * Growing to twice your adult height and getting cast as the monster in every horror movie.

    146. If You Can't Pay The Time, Don't Do The Feet Liking

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 8, 2022 48:35

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Maxx * * Nelson * Topics: * How many random numbers you can dial before you contact someone who is expecting you * Pocket versions of your art. (Mini games, mini sculpture, mini songs?) * * Microtopics: * Being non-binary in Washington. * Witch Strandings. * The crucial aspects that define a traditional Strand-Like. * What makes the nurturing not feel bad/weird? * Physically inhabiting a mouse cursor. * Playing shuffleboard on a Mario Golf power meter using the Oblivion persuasion wheel. * Several things that people like, existing at the same time. * Why nobody but Jim is making Frog Fractions games. * Dialing random phone numbers until you reach someone you know. * A nightmare creature from the abyss waiting by the phone for your call. * Everyone having exactly one mom and exactly one faceless nightmare creature waiting by the phone. * Phone number Minesweeper. * Birthday parties as an opportunity to force your friends to play the weird game you just designed. * Guessing the phone number of the burner phone in front of you. * Computers you can talk to in your local area. * Hacking the government mainframe that has all the Nintendo games. * Needing to have a soul before your soul can be sucked out through the phone. * Finding out how smart dolphins are after they meet the being from beyond the abyss. * Holding on to your childhood dreams of stealing a series of towers for your tower collection. * Figuring out how to put custom ringtones on your flip phone even though the Verizon rep said it was impossible. * What the Kidz Bop version says instead of "it smells like R. Kelly's sheets." * A coat that smells like my baseball cleats, yikesssss. * What if football wasn't good? * What would happen if a child held all of baseball in their hands? * Futilitris. * Supernova SWF Enabler. * Working in the Kidz Bop factory. * Who Put Goku In Fortnite? * Ending the game immediately when somebody drops the come bomb. * Not being allowed to say dang or shit. * The through line from miniature replica sculptures to Kidz Bop Breaking Bad. * Kidz Bop Oldboy. * The French opera singer who replaced her girlfriend with a dummy and then set the nunnery on fire so it looked like her girlfriend died in the fire, but her opera singing was so good that the king had to pardon her. * If Jim was arrested for dumping 800 pounds of sewage on an open air tour boat, how many people would try to solve the ARG? * Wiping the raw sewage off of your face and wondering aloud "is this Frog Fractions 2?" * Going to jail for making a cursed tweet. * What if your tweet only goes viral after the cursed tweet law is enacted? * Having to read your tweet aloud to everyone who liked it. * Going to jail for writing a cursed tweet and being sentenced to having to explain it to your mom. * All-ages interactive sculptures. * A child with a tiny screwdriver installing an emergency communication system in case someone has a bad time in their Radio Flyer. * A pretty intense poem by a pretty intense dude. * Why or why not to be a writer. * Warning young people against destroying themselves. * Being deeply desperately driven by the essence of what you are creating. * Needing somebody to remind you that your work has value. * The different coping strategies required to create a work that takes half an hour to finish vs. years to finish. * False panels.

    145. A Visceral Tobacco Consumption Experience

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 1, 2022 60:54

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * * John * Topics: * Finding value in shared imagined spaces and worlds outside of religious contexts * Final Fantasy Challenge: Zero Story; and other vaporware games & mods of which no record exists on the internet * Youtube streams movies now, and they have comments * Canterbury Tales General Prologue, by Geoffrey Chaucer * Microtopics: * The Ten Timers Club. * Podcasting for three years straight. * Fantastical ideas for famous bands covering Garages songs. * An increasingly hard to describe person. * Reclaiming the asshole. * The sort of thing that sometimes happens in Maine. * Finding the right microphone settings. * A podcast about what people think about that ends up being a video game podcast because that's what they're thinking about. * The barnacle on the indie game scene life. * Making a video game good on purpose. * Talking to your friends who talk you out of grad school because you need to be talked out of grad school again * Your own personal relationship with the divine. * Shared imagined worlds and how we talk about them. * Your friend asks how you're doing and you say "Han and Leia at the end of Empire" and your friend just nods. * Fighting a great beast together. * Promoting group cohesion by developing a shared frame of reference. * How in the 70s everyone watched the same three TV channels but nowadays everyone has access to all of every form of media all the time, and whether that's a handicap for developing a shared cultural reference frame. * Waxy potatoes vs. starchy potatoes. * Where to find non-starchy potatoes. * Harry Potter and the Sacred Texts. * The act of interpretation and the creation of shared symbols. * A Final Fantasy mod that you were very excited about in the early 00s but that now has no results on google. * Abraham Lincoln Land vanishing from the internet. * All the bad video games starring Tux. * Your boss saying "let me show you how the Peter Principle works" and promoting you to Project Manager. * Erasing the projects you are ashamed of from your personal web site. * Adding a clause to your will about deleting all your novelty web sites. * A web site where you write a bunch of fake reviews of fake bands and eventually start writing the songs yourself. * Mutually executable languages. * A betrayal of both movies and Youtube. * Commenting with a timestamp of your favorite part of Napoleon Dynamite. * Whether Pedro won the election on his own merits. * Creating an audition tape for the musical extravaganza your employer is running, getting the part, and later finding out that you were the only one who applied. * Whether John will ever release the video of him dancing like Napoleon Dynamite. * An entire stanza of completely unintelligible Middle English. * Wanting to go on pilgrimages to seek the Holy Blissful Martyr because spring is coming. * Pronouncing all the silent letters. * A well-SparkesNotes'd text. * Having a poem memorized but not in order. * How wishing someone a happy birthday before their birthday is illegal in Germany. * The least surfer dude. * Various tobacco saliva receptacles, some of which ding and some of which don't. * Chewing tobacco but not having the self-respect to get a spittoon. * The nicotine delivery method where you stick a tobacco blob under your lip like a walrus tusk and make TikTok videos. * Dip a.k.a. Snus. * A cool friend from Tennessee. * Big League Chew, again. * Asking the clerk for tar patches because nicotine patches don't give you melanoma. * Ending the show early because you believe so vehemently that vaping is good for you. * A pithy German word for having guested on Topic Lords ten times.

    144. Vultures Who Know The Difference (Between Sugar And Aspartame)

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 25, 2022 72:59

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * JohnB * * Jesse Topics: * Wario64 * We need to bring back Dogme 95 * Seeking Mr. Eaten's Name Again * * This Is Just To Say, by William Carlos Williams * * Whatever happened to outdoor pop machines? * * Godzilla Microtopics: * A Link's Awakening speedrun that may surprise you. * Lord clouds. * What's the deal with Wario 64? * Asking Webster's Dictionary to define Wario 64. * Your source for video game deals. * How Wario64 feels about Chris Pratt voicing Mario. * Geralt in the bathtub. * Wario World for the GameCube. * The hidden origins of Wario64. * Ten rules for how to make a movie. * Lars von Trier being traumatized by a dolly shot and inventing Dogme 95. * Unintentional Dogme 95 movies. * Unboxing a Criterion Collection DVD live on the show and there's just a DVD in there. * Creative freedom, the worst constraint. * A recipe for the worst movies in the fucking world. * Dogme 95 drinking game. * Making a flag in the bucket. * The Adventure 2600 continuity. * Bats that can steal things that shouldn't be able to be stolen. * A video game quest that was very difficult and obscure until someone wrote a FAQ. * The ludonarrative consonance of following your self-destructive obsession at the same time your character follows their self-destructive obsession. * Being confused about a story beat in a video game and having to seek out a lore genius on the internet. * The Random House Annotated Fallen London. * Becoming St. Gawain's Candle. * How the icebox plums poem became a meme. * Learning about poutine on social media. * Satirical poetry in the 1960s. * Things that are Ira Glass's fault. * Extreme meminess. * Wanting a god damn plum right now. * Pictures of normal people that are considered heresy. * Deliberately making your podcast guest's audio sound bad. * Continuing to read poetry even though you're terrible at it. * Asking Siri to get you a substantial raise. * Checking the change return slots on the mobile phone bank for quarters, to do your part to sustain the soda vending machine economy. * The cost of a 510 ml bottle of pop these days. * The fastest pop machine in the world. * Joking about the day we record the show when it comes out weeks later and none of the listeners have any idea what you're talking about. * Applying the sugar tax to beverages sweetened with aspartame. * The Godzilla movie with Inspector Gadget in it. * Redheaded Stepzilla. * The three Godzilla movies that are out of print in the US. (But not on * Having to license all the Kaiju separately. * Movies that are in the public domain because they were not explicitly labeled as copyrighted. * Public Domain Day. * The personality traits of Sherlock Holmes that are and aren't copyrighted. * The Beast at 20,000 Fathoms. * Messing up a slow-motion shot by undercranking the camera rather than overcranking, but it has to go into the movie like that because it was your only take. * Making a movie where you can do as many takes as you want but they all have to go in the finished film. * Godzilla taking some much needed time off. * Invasion of Astro-Monster. * Watching the entire Godzilla series and learning why people think Avengers: Endgame is good. * A latchkey kid in 1960s Japan overcoming his bullies by imagining that Godzilla is his friend. * A dinosaur falling in love with a lighthouse. * Empathizing with the dinosaur who is completely misunderstanding the situation. * Why the English speakers in Japanese or Korean films are such bad actors. * An island protector of these native people brought to society for reasons of Capitalism.

    143. Your Face Is Looking A Little Impact Resistant

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 18, 2022 64:11

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Chall * * Jenni * Topics: * Frogs evolved leaping before they evolved landing and a couple species haven't figured out the "landing" part yet. * * * I got a weird device called a charachorder. Haven't used it yet though, it came 2 hours ago. * * * Speedrun health hazards * "Bananas Bananas," by Greg * * I assumed the Chicago Bean would be kinda lame. I was wrong. It is super neat * Video games that are just a little place and you walk around and maybe go to a museum * * Esper says: Speaking of low-stress games about existing in a space, I am forced by the powers of self-promotion to mention my own Hang Out In The Basement Simulator, a game about chilling in a basement. There's a nerf gun, a little guitar you can strum a few notes on, records, and over 30 hours of watchable TV (all scraped from little Internet Archive weirdnesses). Microtopics: * Nose Goes. * Allergy medication that does not make you drowsy. * Coming out of the womb sleep-deprived. * Jenni from the Blockchain. * Pokemon Gockchain. * A good speedrun idea for somebody else. * Watching Mario 64 let's-plays to distract us from the disaster of our own interiority. * Why Can't the Pumpkin Toadlet Land? * Landing in a t-pose and rigid-bodying your way into a pratfall. * Which frog would win the X Games of frogs? * The distant future when everyone has evolved to survive car crashes and nobody is allowed to wear a shirt in the payroll department. * An editorial team choosing what links will go on the front page. * Photoshop This Tractor. * "Gone drinking" as a euphemism for crashing into a lake. * The history of social media on the internet. * Choosing the most obnoxious possible video to be your Zoom background. * What's stopping developers from compiling ffmpeg to Webassembly and including it in every web page. * Chorded word entry. * Getting an exciting new keyboard where it takes you three minutes to type * Switching keyboard layouts to fix your abysmal typing posture. * A very dim room full of typewriters. * Thinking about the cubic watermelons. * Another one from the Deck of Old Memes. * Whether Plato ever got to prove his cave allegory correct. * RSI in the speedrunning scene. * Waving your right hand up and down for twelve hours a day. * Hypertapping. * Tap to Survive! * Clickers that require you to watch the game run to efficiently progress. * The deep crevasse where Cookie Clicker lives in your brain. * Getting RSI from watching speedruns all the time. * Coping with the mental anguish of speedrunning. * Leomard Sportsinterviews. * Making a mixtape of yourself playing clarinet and your younger brother reading poems, for your girlfriend Sara. * Your vengeful ex-girlfriend turning you in to VEVO for music piracy using the mixtape you gave her as proof. * Using music to anchor a repeated moment. * Using this episode of Topic Lords to score your morning routine. * Warrant canaries. * Bananas: they're underground. * The return of the Banana Box. * The tropical fruit that tastes like mayonnaise. * The cheese of the sea. * Cloud Gate in Millennium Park. * Chicago Bean Radiation. * Walking through the Chicago Bean and getting mirrored left to right and subsequently only being able to digest animals that also wandered through the Chicago Bean that you catch and kill. * Wearing a hospital wrist band informing your duel opponent that your internal organs are mirrored left to right. * Mirror image twins. * Fighting little ASCII bears and solving exploding bomb puzzles. * What you do in Proteus. * The game where you hit the ball back and forth over a net. * A board game where you vacation in feudal Japan. * The Museum of Other Realities. * Seiklus and Gebub's Adventure. * A place to wander while interesting things happen to you. * The talking tree that says "invest in leaves." * Legends of Murder.

    142. Threatjazz

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 11, 2022 67:57

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ben * * Tyriq * Topics: * Which real life occupations are the closest thing to actual Adventuring? And would you want to do any of them? * Getting a tattoo has somehow motivated me to be healthier * It's weird that some instruments you play with your hands and others you put in your mouth * The Mushroom Hunters * * Discovering how much butter and sugar is in your common or garden cake has filled me with sheer horror * A public call to action for the creation of Violence/Threat Jazz as a genre Microtopics: * The collection of music songs that you put on the internet last year. * The Citizen Sleeper trailer. * Managing a game's Steam store page. * The conversations you don't have. * Adventuring as it is conceived of and perceived. * Going into the field and being exposed to health hazards. * Rock climbing and its relationship to speed running. * All the big parts of the world having been discovered already so you need to be satisfied with discovering tiny parts. * The difficulty of spending a lifetime rock climbing when you don't enjoy rock climbing. * Whether being sent off to war feels or ought to feel like an adventure. * Lockdown tattoos. * The uncle who convinced you to get an eyebrow ring. * Designing a tattoo so that it still looks right if the recipient suddenly gets swole. * The Clean and Jerk. * Compressing yourself inwards as you hit the ground. * The idea of caring about your appearance. * Looking in the mirror and feeling good about yourself. * A portion of meat that is ruining your aesthetic. * Your full-sleeve Gigantamax Meowth tattoo. * Ark from Terranigma. * A tattoo of a goat because you love goats a lot. * Putting pictures on your body and looking cool. * Going full body-mod in your old age. * A Rotom right up there in your armpit. * Walking around looking like a JRPG character with an asymmetrical pauldron. * The right torso for me. * Bone tattoos that are just for you because nobody can see your bones. * Waiting until you are 80 years old for eyeball tattoo technology to get safer. * Screaming higher and higher until you take a shower. * Airflow and handflow. * Licking a musical instrument that makes noise when it's wet. * Chromatic spittoon virtuosos. * Melody Pops. * How to survive long car trips before portable video games. * Lollipops you could write with. * Chocolate cigarettes wrapped in rice paper. * Rebranding your offensive children's cigarette brand to "Fads." * The formulation of laws to follow facts revealed. * Food Tasters. * One king left and so much food to eat. * Why so much fiction is so obsessed with royalty. * Cracking a nut in your brain. * The moon's excellent product placement. * Cakes for people to jump out of. * How to marble a cake. * The butter iceberg. * The inside scoop behind all the drama. * The Sharks and the Jets snapping at each other. * The dude in Mad Max Fury Road playing a flaming guitar on top of a moving truck. * Where to see Ben's cats.

    141. Toast In Its Original Format

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 4, 2022 66:10

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Avery * Jesse Topics: * Laserdisc * Tracing the lineage of racehorses on Wikipedia * Bread is too wide to fit in toasters * * Variants of bowling, now mostly lost to history, are like glimpses into possible worlds metaphysically close to our own Microtopics: * How to sound like a douchebag if you are a programmer who lives in Oakland. * A Social Security Number that has way too many sixes in it. * A disc that is the same size as an LP but looks like a CD and has a movie on it. * Arcade games breaking whenever you transport them. * Laserdiscs rusting. * Integrating the likely degradation of the viewing medium into the piece itself. * The Matrix on Betamax. * The guy who owns all the Betamax players in your province. * The canonical paths to becoming a Laserdisc collector. * All the criteria used to curate the Criterion Collection. * The advantages and disadvantages of CAV discs over CLV. * Getting off the couch to flip the disc over halfway through the movie. * Asking your robot butler to flip the Laserdisc over. * Potoooooooo. * Seeing the name of the Wii for the first time and wondering if it's a typo for World War 2 or if it's a typo for WiFi. * Finding the They Live sunglasses and finally being able to read the Snickers ads. * The three racehorses that all thoroughbred racehorses are descended from. * Knowing more about the history of racehorses than about your own family tree, because racehorses are worth more than people. * War booty from the battle of Vienna. * The General Studbook. * Going blind in one eye from staying up for three days straight doing logarithms. * Bell Right Hooks and Cuban Menstrual Crisis. * Whether the clown face registry still exists for juggalos. * Nothing Sweet About Bees. * What happened to bread? * Your basic 4:3 bread vs. 4K ultra-wide bread. * Your favorite toaster from the 1940s. * A four slice toaster kind of day. * Making food better with science and it's going to be way better than nature because it's science. * Convincing Mr. Smeg not to put his name on the toasters his company manufactures. * What market research firm decided that podcast listeners want underwear and mattresses. * Constant angular velocity: the only way to rewind a movie. * A magnetic poetry set that includes the word "Kafkaesque." * How Kafkaesque the miscreant insects are. * Whether Jim has ever touched any other human being. * How Zoomers don't know about Graggle Simpson. * A possible scenario that is metaphysically close to our own. * How metaphysically close Canada is to the United States. * Getting up at 4pm every day and bowling. * A 3D model recreation of five-pin bowling. * The amount of data visualization competence that went into * Candlepin and Duckpin bowling. * The dimensions of various famous bowlers. * Getting a parakeet and finding out how much water it displaces. * Making a flask out of a parakeet so people think you just brought your pet parakeet to work and aren't drinking on the job. * Buying a propane tank to use as a water bottle. * What's wrong with Jim's listeners? * Karate tournaments in the 80s and 90s. * Assuming Avery's identity and looking in the mirror. * To Mock A Mockingbird. * Certified Bird Mockers.

    140. The Most Edible Petrochemical

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 27, 2022 75:09

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Kevin * or * * * John Topics: * Reading the other headlines/articles on newspapers in films that flash on screen solely for the headline * * The Game Boy Camera/revisiting the PXL-2000 topic and other toy cameras/tech * Best Halloween candy: candy corn or pumpkin-shaped candy corn? * Icarus, by Edward Field * * Douglas Hofstadter Microtopics: * The James Webb Space Telescope. * The thing you get the most DMs about. * Recording a fan's answering machine message in the Mario Frustration voice. * The guy who "fixed" the NES triangle wave. * Bandlimiting your oscillators. * What the real Lordheads know. * Another place to shitpost. * 3D entertainment. * Deku momentum problems. * The analog stick mod for Mario 64 DS. * A remaster that is in direct conversation with what it's remastering. * The pros and cons of Mario 64 DS. * Abandoned let's-plays. * Waterworld for the Virtual Boy. * Wario Ware and Rhythm Heaven. * How to give Nintendo money in 2022. * Prodigy Child Wins Every Award Given. * Pausing movies to read the nonsense headlines that the prop designers didn't expect you to read. * Pausing the movie to complain about the nonsensical Scrabble game depicted. * A movie about people who don't know how to play Clue. * A mahjongg game that is a literary microcosm of the players' lives. * Leaning across the couch to your girlfriend and saying "that's Chappie's chess game." * Playing Super Mario Bros. with the Power Glove. * The Steam reviews for the 8-bit wrestling game that appears for three seconds in The Wrestler. * The only digital camera that was under $100 in the 90s. * How to get images off of the Game Boy Camera. * Hooking together a TV, VCR, SNES, Super Game Boy and Game Boy Camera and plugging it in with a very long extension cord so you can shoot a movie outdoors. * An in-your-face student film about what happens when computers can detect emotion. * Using your Game Boy Camera as a webcam on Twitch. * The Game Boy Camera's music sequencer. * The Game Boy Camera asking ROM hackers if they are feeling ok. * The Gold Zelda Camera. * The gold Breath of the Wild cartridge that tastes like the Master Sword. * The Cool Cam. * The Lefty RX. * Ranking candy by its volume to surface area ratio. * Getting sick of candy corn naysayers. * Wax Lips: Ya Gotta Eat 'Em! * A powder that's been glued into a little puck. * What the American Oil and Gas Historical Society has to say about wax lips. * The oleaginous history of wax lips. * Edible dinosaur bones. * Bananasaurus Rex-flavored string cheese. * The Genius of the Hero falling to the Middling Stature of the Merely Talented. * Looking back on your best work and knowing you'll probably never best it but still liking your life more now. * A short story with extra line breaks. * Turning any text into a poem by resizing the window so there are extra line breaks. * Robert Altman's follow-up to MASH. * A retelling of Icarus featuring the wicked witch saying a slur. * What it means to be conscious. * Godel, Escher, Bach: I am a Strange Loop except more confusing. * Writing a book for the general public and having to figure out how to make your ideas fun. * Searching YouTube for "Crab Cannon" and only finding music for weirdos and no cannons of any kind. * Martin Gardner's column about math games in Scientific American. * Metamagical Themas. * Using math to do fun space stuff. * Stream Frasier Online Free. * Rubik's Cube except spelled like an asshole.

    139. She Died As A Space Racist

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 20, 2022 58:36

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Dan * * * Shepard * They are known as Earthnova in the Discord and has one published work: Topics: * Only playing narrative/story-driven video games once * Sometimes life is like an adventure game, a skill or item that's useless when you get it is needed years later * Sleng Teng Riddim * * Here's an argument that the riff originated with David Bowie: * Tyger! Tyger! by Robin Johnson * * The internet and college are two great tastes that taste terrible together. * The first time I beat my father at Scrabble * Explaining traffic jams, or at least this one traffic jam Microtopics: * Wanting to see all the stuff. * Replaying a series of four RPG length games to see the alternate endings. * Getting the most video game endings for your dollar. * Tenable and untenable ways to have an adventure. * Recapturing the magic of your first time (with emulators). * Getting every video game you wanted for a system and then enjoying that for 10 minutes. * A giant archive of every DOS game ever. * Losing your nostalgia for old games via emulation, but keeping your nostalgia for the box art. * Falling out of love with Windows Vista. * Keeping your custard pie intact until the yeti needs it. * The bread maker approach to learning a new skill. * Why there are no cupcakes in Frog Fractions 2. * Playing Go against someone better than you and suddenly losing. * The Go community rallying around the identity that computers can't beat the best Go players. * Whether computer Go has shaped the way humans play Go. * An extra creative extra special humany thing. * Beating a chess expert by convincing them to play something else. * John Henry's retirement plan. * Being promised a Yamaha DX7 but receiving a Casio MT-40 instead. * Writing a part for a rock and roll rhythm section that is accidentally a great reggae rhythm section. * The origins of the Amen Break. * Setting up a situation where you can write your own notes. * Figuring out where the genre can go with this new tonality. * Stripy guys and chonky units. * The best kind of tigers. (Floofers.) * Learning about slant rhymes one morning and that afternoon writing a poem that rhymes "eye" with "symmetry." * Blake hearing about the Great Vowel Shift from his grandpa and deciding that that would be a great way to make Tyger! Tyger! sound old timey. * Googling why Blake tried to rhyme "eye" with "symmetry" and finding dozens of implausible theories, all expressed with complete confidence. * Making an impression on the world of poetry by not being good at it. * Hipster throwbacks to the great vowel shift. * Calvin and Hobbes panoply of tiger poems. * Holding off on reading more Calvin and Hobbes tiger poems until you're done recording the podcast. * Not letting online schooling get in the way of your online education. * Whether someone will figure out how to do a college class online before we transition back to in-person classes. * Whether ASL is especially well suited to bring taught over Zoom. * Doing yard work and wearing protective equipment so you can't pull out your phone to check Twitter. * Lying down in court. * Realizing for the first time that your parents don't know everything. * A framed photo of the one time your mom won at Risk. * The one thing you and your dad are both interested in. * Sports montage of getting better at Scrabble. * Driving or better yet watching movies with cars in them. * Everybody slowing down to take a look at the two headed chicken. * Driving towards a shadow and being blinded by the sun to what's beyond the shadow. * A time loop where the car in front of you slows down for no reason and then you slow down for a good reason but the car behind you thinks you're slowing down for no reason. * A car driving on a road. * Stacking a bunch of human reaction speeds on top of each other. * Slot cars as a fun and disastrous solution to traffic. * The slot car model of public transit. * Finding everybody on the Discord.

    138. From Infracheddar To Ultrableu

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 13, 2022 60:44

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Elena * Alexander plugs Topics: * Hosting a party is way better than going to a party * The Pearl Jam Liner Notes method of writing first drafts * Lagrange Point Lasagna * Jonathan Swift, "Ode on the Longitude" * * The theory of spontaneous generation * It turns out Sunday Roasts are a whole Deal * Diagnose my tongue! * * Microtopics: * Unfindable Lords. * The Constant: a History of Getting Things Wrong. * Continuous vs. discontinuous weighted blankets. * People asking you about your life so you have to give them all the necessary context on your life so they'll understand. * A masquerade ball where you receive a quest to find someone wearing a dog mask and talk to them about topology. * The smallest of talk. * A continuous unplanned unstructured talking with each other that you expect to just happen by itself. * Bringing a cheeseboard to a party so you can go sort it whenever the conversation gets awkward * Sorting the cheeseboard from sharp to mild and then sorting the cheese by color but nobody at the party is allowed to actually eat any. * From Infracheddar to Ultrableu. * A sorting algorithm gaining intelligence and trying to understand itself. * Teaching your friends sign language so they'll be quieter at parties. * The weirdness of reading aloud. * Writing while talking. * A species of alien that can follow two conversations at once. * Balancing the complexity of your word choices so your sentence flows nicely. * Writing the most important word of each sentence first and then going back and filling in the rest of the sentence. * Worrying about commas later. * Taking so long to implement the core of your idea that you've forgotten the details. * How to bake brownies that are all edge pieces. * How to bake brownies that's all center pieces. * Sous vide brownies. * People who only like the center of the falafel. * The perfect solution for the person who prefers the grossest part of the brownie. * Opening a portal to the lasagna dimension and scooping some out and feeling safe because there's no e. coli in the lasagna dimension, just lasagna. * Tectonic plates in the lasagna dimension. * Subduction lasagna. * The asteroid equivalent of brownie soup. * Forming trade alliances with the people who live in the air pockets of the lasagna dimension. * Lasagna creationists. * The Earth is a rock lasagna. * Whether lasagna or baked ziti is more likely to be naturally occurring. * Bepst and besht. * A long-standing problem in navigation. * Figuring out how to determine longitude in the Age of Navigation. * Getting kicked out of Cambridge because you don't accept the Trinity. * Firing a cannon at noon so everyone knows what time it is. * Such explosive ships, in such known locations. * A new method for discovering longitude both at sea and land, humbly proposed for the consideration of the public. * The Jewish Space Lasers of the 1700s. * The sense in which GPS is extremely loud. * Putting a log on the fire and salamanders come out. * The riddle where to understand the answer you have to know that bees come from lion carcasses. * How earth used to have enough energy to spawn humans out of clay but now it only has enough juice left to make bugs and snails. * A recipe for scorpions. * The Tragedy of the Sunday Roast. * The St. Tuppensday Brouhaha. * Million Shilling Idea: serving Sunday Roast all week. * Victorian orphans mining for Bitcoin (or "bittums") out on the Playa. * Eating a Yorkshire pudding at a Lagrange point and sopping up gravy from the gravy dimension. * Via Gravia. * Nega-scurvy, where you eat too much fruit and grow extra teeth. * The Yes Ship of Theseus. * That time the Zombies broke up and then had a hit record and then fake Zombies started touring the US until someone from the real band noticed. * The Caramelldansen saga.

    137. Burying The Machete (So Nobody Can Open The Coconuts)

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 6, 2022 76:03

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * John * * * April * Topics: * Playing Grand Theft Auto 5 because I miss hiking in California * Embroidery * Jokes that three year olds tell * Moondrop's Tale * * Skeleton Jelly: * Survivor * * Excluding certain topics from my Twitter recommendations has never been harder (and also: trying to understand why Russell Crowe keeps showing up in the "suggested posts" of the AshbyBrewery account) Microtopics: * Return of the Beast Lord. * Whether the Beast Lord fucks around. * The Beets Lord. * Hearing clapping and encouragement and assuming it's for you. * Being a tourist in a video game. * Riding a quad bike up Mt. Chiliad. * Getting past the first mission where you need to do violence to a lot of people so you can peacefully explore Los Santos. * Driving down the highway at night and taking a random turnoff into the wilderness and going on a hike in the moonlight. * The Grand Theft Auto V Not Hurting Anybody Challenge. * Taking a self-guided tour of the Bay Area in Watch Dogs 2. * A Short Hike mod for GTA V. * A needle art or craft. * Art vs. Craft. * What is the Citizen Kane of needlepoint? When will we see the first needle that can make you cry? * A piece of physical media that you look at. * Physically doing the thing to make it look like the image you have in your head. * An art form that has been around for as long as thread. * The joy of buying art supplies. * The anxiety relief of various stitches. * A boy who contains multitudes. * Getting dad a sidewalk for his birthday. * Cross-stitch route planning. * Marking notable locations in red. * The only way out. (Through.) * A three year old who wants to do something but delays as much as he can anyway. * A three year old who is just like adults except with way less impulse control. * A work in frogress. * The tale of druid Moondrop Honeysuckle. * A disembodied voice telling you to call it "granny." * The ancient place beyond the dead star in the Ultraviolet City. * Going into a random bar and hearing a poem about your mom. * Granny the Mind Flayer. * Falling sideways through reality and having to fight the big boss. * Recording season 42 of Survivor over Zoom. * The evolution of Survivor meta. * Finding a clue in the crook of a tree. * Throwing the flint into the ocean. * The gif of the two women gasping and the dude behind them smiling. * The Ashby Brewery Twitter account. * Why the algorithm thinks you care about Ratchet and Clank. * How to make Twitter livable on PC vs. on your phone. * The work every internet user puts into not being shown the stuff they don't want to see. * Mark Zuckerberg pointing at his mugger and shouting "See less of this! I'd like to see less of this!" * Eating the rich and having to worry about biomagnification. * Mr. Beer. * The Ashby Brewery and Video Game Studio. * All the Brews That's Fit to Print. * The Ashby Brewery and Video Game Studio quarterly brewsletter. * Being the bee man. * Not using Twitter in a while and Twitter emails you about what Russell Crowe is doing lately. * Extensively DMing Russell Crowe and then blocking Russell Crowe and then forgetting that either thing happened. * Why they call him John Mystery.

    136. Thanks For Inventing Dengue Fever, Mark Rosewater

    Play Episode Listen Later May 30, 2022 63:25

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Erica plugs increasing optional mask compliance by farting * Jenni plugs birds * Jim plugs metaplugs repeating plugs Topics: * The System, and by extension, The Talenti Cup System * Decentralizing social media is gonna be real good for people not yelling at each other & kinda bad for sharing specialized information * We just taught Winston about "peeing in the woods" when we were going on a hike and now he wants to "pee in the woods" everywhere * * Mark Rosewater designed devil fruits * Esper says: "As a longtime (since 1999, with only one substantial break) Magic: the Gathering player, it does my heart good to hear Mark Rosewater come up. His GDC talk about lessons he's learned in designing games is really sharp stuff (if a little 101 in places), check it out sometime." * Decarbonizing the language Microtopics: * Meta-plugging repeating plugs. * Bee Movie but it's text to speech. * Increasing optional mask compliance by farting. * Mass: the volume of gas inside you, and how to increase its compliance. * A meme that people teach to each other. * Packing a shoe into a box and opening up a big box of mold years later. * Categories of things that fit into one-pint gelato cups. * The Body Box. * How to make itinerant lifestyles bearable and possible. * Organizing your entire house into the House Box. * Using your Dunbar number to keep track of your house plants. * Getting on Topic Lords by searching "pineapple on pizza" * Social media platforms that are owned by a rich asshole. * Drastically improving productivity in the workplace by banning the email forwarding of news articles. * The overwhelming feeling of shame when you don't have a take on the latest discourse. * Going on Tori Amos AOL chat to talk to your social group. * Buddha's list of 89 things that make you angry. * We've invented a new way to be angry. * Repeating topics because you've forgotten what you were just talking about. * Peeing in the laundry closet and calling it peeing in the woods. * Explaining to a three year old when it's ok and when it's not ok to pee outside. * Pee-ka-boo. * Everything sucks and I have no control over anything but I can poop in the front yard. * Taking increasingly larger shits in Richard Kind's cat box. * How George Clooney gets away with poop modification. * Taking increasingly larger shits in the Li-Cor machine that measures leaf respiration. * Whether playing Tom Jones at work constitutes sexual harassment. * Tom Jones in his leisure suit. * Cleaning up the lyrics to make rock and roll palatable to white people but leaving in the line about the "one-eyed cat peepin' in a seafood store." * Whether it's still sexual harassment if nobody points out that it's sexual harassment. * Jocund company. * Telling the story of the time you saw a bunch of daffodils. * Seeing a bunch of daffodils and shouting "Fuck! These fucking flowers are fucking pretty as shit!" * Conceiving of yourself as an indoor person, separate from the outdoors. * Reading a Japanese dictionary of dirty words and saying "Fuck! These fucking dirty words are fucking good as shit!" * Conceiving of interior spaces as being one with exterior spaced. * You can't unpee the bush. * Finding and eating devil fruits. * Eating the fruit that lets you talk to dragons when dragons don't exist. * Seeing a gun dog and assuming that it was a dog that ate a gun fruit but actually it was a gun that ate a dog fruit. * What happens if you eat a second devil fruit. * Dengue fever creeping up into Texas from Mexico. * The best place to contract Dengue Fever. * Burning the candle at both ends of the day. * Eating the burrito from both ends. * Harvesting the bioluminescent fungus. * Turbines on a windless morn. * Burning solar panels as a fuel source. * The worst thing to happen to Twitter/the best thing to happen to Mastodon. * The Dunbar Number for plants. * Voting someone out of the marriage because there's only room for one person in here.

    135. I've Been A Bad, Bad French

    Play Episode Listen Later May 23, 2022 75:23

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Nate * * * Fred * Topics: * Why do rice cookers play music but not microwaves? * * If all your needs are met in a utopian society will we still need sports and competition? * Hot Ice, Cool Sounds * Goblin Time by Emma * * Esper says: "My long-held suspicion has always been that humans are generally way less prone to salt-related health issues than suggested by nutritional science. I think a lot of that stuff was ginned up by cigarette companies trying to deflect blame. But I try not to go full-on conspiracy theory about it." * Nerds candy has a Dungeons and Dragons themed box. Is this good for D&D? * If the four horsemen of the apocalypse were recruiting for a fifth member, how would you convince them to hire you? Microtopics: * A shmup about how Microsoft screwed up their Xbox 360 dashboard. * Screaming for 24 hours straight and having a heart attack, or vice versa. * Remastering your obscure protest game and needing to build a museum explaining the context for the protest. * An educational title about how to find games on the new Xbox 360 dashboard. * An infinite runner with extremely awkward horse controls. * Using all the right dark patterns. * Meeting an indie game developer in San Francisco and recognizing him because he's a white guy with a beard and glasses who likes Dark Souls. * A pot that's specifically for rice and it knows when to school cooking the rice. * Only rice cookers get to sing a song. * Installing an AI in your microwave so your microwave can try to murder you. * A codependent washing machine. * Landlords in California doing an end run around renter's rights. * The keyless entry system on your apartment that has a battery backup just so it can play "These Boots are Made for Walking" when it can't let you in because the power is out. * 3D printing some laundry to fold because people are bored in your Utopia. * Extremely soporific TV. * A mashup of music and sports. * Gathering to watch a live band play while a chef makes crepes. * Whether you can be bored while watching two things at the same time. * An orchestra trying to live-score a basketball game. * Trying to listen to an arcade game in the arcade. * Goblins in our community. * A bullet point list of how you can help a goblin. * Spicy radish waffles. * Blackwheat crepes and whether they're really black. * Lemonade crepes. * Dipping a sandwich in mustard. * The pros and cons of salting food. * Chickens laying pre-salted eggs. * Paying a monthly subscription to Monsanto to keep up the injections that make your tongue exude its own salt. * Getting in line to hate Monsanto. * Whether nerds are more or less likely to eat Nerds candy. * A candy for people who forgot D&D exists. * Candy&D. * A series of Nerds-themed D&D campaigns. * Hiring people and paying them. * Star Trek Jeopardy where 70% of the answers are 1980s pop culture because the federation is obsessed with the 80s. * Seeing yet another college sports question in the New York Times crossword and deciding whether to get irrationally angry at Will Shortz. * What Jim embodies that is the worst thing. * Death, war, famine, pestilence, crypto and late-onset melatonin. * John Cleese teaching sex ed in a boarding school. * Starting with death and going downhill from there. * Convincing Death to not kill anyone and Death just rides off and mopes. * Whether the four horsemen listen to podcasts or if the internet is down during the apocalypse. * The four new horsemen of the new apocalypse: crypto, gaslighting, late-onset melatonin and Elon Musk. * How to find people to follow on Mastodon. * How to be a part of a human-sized community. * The Topic Lords subreddit. * The photo of a middle school basketball team that somebody posted to the Topic Lords subreddit. * How to keep spam bots out of your Discord. * Batbarian.

    134. A Bad Case Of Footmouse

    Play Episode Listen Later May 16, 2022 60:55

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Maxx * * Michael * * Topics: * "World's greatest author Chuck Tingle" * Way of making moving easier, collective tips? * * * Melatonin parenting decisions * Microtopics: * Rabbit nose speeds. * A stranger from Australia handing you a twenty dollar bill. * Lining a trench coat with Steam keys. * How to make Elden Ring feel like a video game rather than a slog. * An incredible variety of fantastical biomes filled with body horror monstrosities that are inexplicably bad at killing you. * Playing Elden Ring with passive enemies * Big columns with massively muscular horsemen. * Sheep curling up into a wheel and rolling away. * Fostering a different sense of what accomplishment means. * Ramps interweaving the stairway. * Going into a spooky house and the house is like "why would you come in here? Can't you see I'm haunted" * Going into a spooky house in hopes of seeing bespoke content. * An author of real books that people think are memes. * A tornado that has a butthole because it must've picked it up with all the other debris. * Lesbian candy corn. * High-functioning chocoholics. * Having sex with the State of California and reading the list of things that the State of California has found to cause cancer. * Making a career out of exploring the weird connections in your own mind. * Writing to Chuck Tingle to ask for more details about the 747's genitalia. * Moving house and then moving house again immediately, to save yourself a packing/unpacking cycle. * Having many shamefully confusing objects and making the movers wear blindfolds. * Making your friends wear blindfolds and rely on LIDAR when they come into your house. * Putting all your vacation souvenirs in storage and going to your storage unit when you want to remember your vacation. * Three drawers of cables organized into power cables, USB cables and audio cables, all neatly constrained with velcro. * Giving your rabbit decoy cables to chew on so that the important cables remain safe. * Throwing away 70% of your stuff. * Whether it's a lie if you have books on your shelf that you haven't read yet. * Apocryphal John Waters quotes. * Having an outfit for hacktivism. * Mounting the spines of books you've read above your hearth. * Data Hands. * A keyboard that doesn't work in direct sunlight. * Foot Mouse and the Data Hands. * Staring into the abyss, wiggling your fingers. * Underwear computing. * Late-onset melatonin generation. * How to deal when everybody in the family gets sick at once. * An island made of bureaucracy. * The fax machine in your underwear computer. * How to pronounce "James" according to Jim's facebook profile. * Armchairing a request for poetry in the rudest way possible. * Streets that duel like coarse teeth. * The matted thing that leaves its woman without the duck. * Hooking your poetry generator up to a receipt printer so people can print a new poem on demand. * Writing a poem and finding out what you meant later. * Soup repair. * A man who is nice on British TV but angry on American TV. * Old Enough! * An extremely relatable two year old. * Being tasked with juicing some oranges and spending the next hour chasing the dog.

    133. Every Tumbleweed Is An Antique

    Play Episode Listen Later May 9, 2022 61:40

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Duncan * * * * Avery * Topics: * Judging by the selection on eBay, the 1960's and 1970's seems to have been the golden age of belt buckles. * * The time a parent of my kid's friend said "Do you remember Tetris?" * JVC PocketMail * * The Prelude, by Matthew Zapruder * * Hyperspecific collections * Yiwum, the city in China that produces 60% of all the Christmas decorations in the world Microtopics: * An album that someday will be available on Spotify. * The Mauretania comics by Detective Pikachu. * The kind of work that falls out of relaxation. * The Golden Age of Belt Buckles. * Going into an eBay fugue state. * Promotional belt buckles. * The British obsession with American long haul truckers. * The kind of video game where you have to file copious paperwork before and after you shoot someone. * What Police Quest was before and after Daryl Gates was hired as lead designer. * Whether there were any racist belt buckles in the 1960s. * Buying 20 $2 games for Christmas rather than the one $40 game your kid actually asked for. * Men's names from the 1960s and 1970s. * Hewlett Packard belt buckles. * The personalized belt buckles you'll sell at your merch table when you go back on tour. * A conference about fingers. * Talking to the funeral director before you're dead just in case you die someday. * A point-of-sale system for funeral directors. * Bidding on a Cheeto and getting outbid. * Having It's-Its and That's-Its in the freezer and completing your collection with a What's-It. * Remembering Tetris. * Being a parent and making friends with people you have basically nothing in common with. * Talking to normies about your nerd interests. * Going into the Forever 21 and yelling "Skeletor!" and everybody cheers. * People high-fiving you as you walk down the street in your Wolverine costume. * Listening to an adult man gush about Power Rangers to you and realizing that probably Star Wars isn't any good after all and you just happened to be the right age for it. * Star Wars fans trying to convince each other that being based on the Hero's Journey makes a story good art. * Reading a mathematical proof that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is actually exactly as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark and having no choice but to believe it. * Remember Tetris? This is a topic about Tetris. * Writing email in the jungle and getting the chance to send it if you survive all the quicksand. * A product using technologies developed by NASA, i.e. one of the programmers drank Tang once. * Dongling things to the Palm Pilot. * An article from 1999 titled "Email on the Move." * Check your pocket… you've got mail! * Preserving your Motorola Razr M in amber so Jim can buy it on eBay the next time he's ordering a batch of Orbitz. * The Linux open source phone that everybody likes but nobody's heard of. * The idea of chocolate. * A disappointing and super creepy bed and breakfast. * Art where the artist has disguised a message for you. * Contrasting a Diet Coke with Coleridge and Wordsworth. * Freedom Power Style Motion. * Having a bunch of Tumblrs and never going on Tumblr. * Hours Played. * A new weird thing that a video game can be. * Collecting tumbleweeds. * A tumbleweed the size of a car that stops at the red light. * Movies from the 1930s giving a false impression of how much you need to worry about quicksand. * Sentient poison oak. * The sentient tumbleweed episode of The Outer Limits. * Consuming media by fast-forwarding to the tumbleweed parts. * A book of polaroids of all your favorite lighting fixtures. * A list of every move in every game that Mario has ever been in. * Desert Chrome. * Drawing a van and airbrushing your drawing of a van. * Jean-Claude Van Dad. * Spending the rest of your life googling "van dad." * Zoning your city by the kind of Christmas decorations sold. * An ocean of booths selling plastic Santa Clauses as far as the eye can see. * The city that sells the other 40% of Christmas decorations. * The Christmas memeplex. * Clone shoes with strange names. * Running shoes for dogs. * A romantic comedy set in the city in China entirely dedicated to selling Christmas decorations.

    132. A Miserable Pile Of Knuckles

    Play Episode Listen Later May 2, 2022 50:54

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Cort * * Jenni * Topics: * Novel uses for hundreds of surplus ceramic clown statues * Thinking about household stuff as a system you can design to meet your needs instead of a cultural lifestyle obligation * Sidetalkin' * * Big Black Elephant * * People are reluctant to shift their paradigm in real life but give them a video game & they're all for it * * Games or sports that started out as fictional, but that people actually play Microtopics: * Jenni, she slash her. * A poem that could've been an email. * OST Jam. * If every time you were in a room there was someone else in the room doing the game thing you were doing. * Just trying to enjoy a leisurely video game when suddenly a co-op partner shows up and starts getting impatient with you. * Animals but wet. * Animals but they are in the ocean and don't have legs so they can't kick butt. * The duality of having legs. * The many-faceted world butt. * Try fish: you're welcome. * Becoming deeply involved in the design and production of novelty clown statues. * Who's this unsold clown? * Whether the prenup addresses any of the potential clown situations. * How many clowns could fit in a bed and breakfast. * Monogrammed businessclowns. * How to buy yourself a Lordy. * Sending unsolicited clowns in the mail. * Stacking the clowns until you can ascend to clown heaven. * Cleaning help and support for neurodivergent people to clean our filthy filthy houses. * The act of living in a house and putting things in places. * Keeping your silverware in the freezer. * A house where the forks turn into spoons. * A basket for clothes that are not so dirty that they need to be washed immediately. * Food that is technically rotten but not so rotten that you can't eat it. * The room in your house where the gravity is lower and you float. * Holding a phone up to your face like a taco. * Hundreds of pictures of people holding weird shit up to their heads. * Why all the women are at the end of the page. * Announcing a new consumer electronics device by submitting it to * Side-snorin'. * A fun web site for if you want to look at objects. * A pregnant woman with her belly painted to look like your face. * Copying all the worst aspects of the Virtual Boy. * Whether you want to download jivetalkin.midi. * A poem shaped like something. * Updo bleak curious quiet. * Desert thumbs. * Rather pale pagasus. * A poem that generates its own blurb. * The entire front edge of the pegasus. * Why so political, pagasus? * Any thumb you want it to be. * Defining a thumb by its oppositionality. * Rooting for and with the thumb. * Your boomer aunt who has a really specific idea of gender roles. * Disrupting your toothbrush. * Your beaver farm where the underwear comes down the chute and you feed the underwear to the beavers and put the beavers in the juicer and sell the beaver juice to Lenny who gives you gems you can use to play Scrabble but you only get so many tiles per minute unless you're willing to sit and tap video ads, and whether that's a paradigm shift. * Willingness to think through processes and systems. * A shmup where you control a whale research vessel. * Taking the one skill you have in this life and using it to create heavy handed, ineffective political satire. * Making an exit poll to find out what percentage of players actually learned something from your propaganda simulator game and what percentage just min-maxed the numbers because it was a fun puzzle. * What paradigm you're imagining shifting, exactly. * Every game developer's cottage-core retirement fantasy. * Making video games without ever talking to anyone on Twitter. * Who's the beardy guy dot com. * Scrolling through pictures of beardy guys until you find the right one. * Jugger. * Carrying the macguffin into your opponent's goal. * Arcane rules about who's allowed to touch the dog skull and when. * The global governing body in charge of the rules of Discs of Tron. * The schism in the Jugger community. * Teaching a three year old chess boxing. * Snapdragon. * Taking turns grabbing raisins of a flaming bowl of brandy. * Tucking a clove into one of the raisins and whoever grabs that raisin out of the bowl of flaming brandy gets to stop reaching into the bowl of flaming brandy. * Flaming tennis ball catch. * Calvin Ball, III. * The delicate balance of taking letters out of a username until you get to one that's not taken, before you get to names that are definitely taken because they're so short.

    131. GDC Santa Rides Again

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 25, 2022 67:20

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mike * Kev * Topics * Embracing creative chaos is very hard but paradoxically extremely common? * Thanatosensitivity * GDC happened this year! They really did it * Tarantulas on the Lifebuoy By Thomas Lux * * Being left handed in a right handed world Microtopics: * Wanting to learn to program and moving to Maine. * Learning to program by implementing a meticulous copy of Metroid for the NES. * Choosing to live a life that feels like an anime training montage. * How to learn to program while having kids. * Radical content for radical gamers. * Having one's mind blown by works of art, as one does. * The "stone soup bubblegum and baling wire everything went wrong" method of making art. * What happens when the plan makes contact with the enemy. * Writing a film with the magic of wintertime as a core theme and not being able to get the permit to film until spring. * Iterating on your idea with insights you've gleaned from working on your idea. * Ascertaining the recoverability of any given error. * The kind of disaster that happens when a culture accustomed to low-cost-error problems tries to work on high-cost-error problems. * Improvising bridges. * Programming vs. the disciplined engineering fields. * The pros and cons of storing a bunch of elephants on the roof. * The user experience of death. * Digital ghosts on LinkedIn. * Logging in to LinkedIn for the first time in eight years and getting a bunch of IMs from a friend who died six years ago. * Dealing with your dead friend's estate and having to close out all the relationships they were maintaining on OkCupid. * Thanatechnologies. * The human events taking place on a separate flow of time than internet time. * Slug World. * A human brain computer interaction conference at Noisebridge. * alt.ctrl.GDC * Spending all of GDC on the lawn. * A GDC talk except instead of talking to an auditorium full of 500 people, you're talking to a hotel room full of five people. * The Unconference Phenomenon. * Substance-to-fluff ratios. * Your three GDC lives. * Going to the talks where they talk about the stuff we're doing to figure out how we can do our stuff better. * The ascended platonic GDC. * Getting all Dunbar's Numbered-out and spending all your time talking to people you know. * Showing your game at a conference to increase the odds that one of the seven people at Sony who can get your game into the Spring Fever promotion will walk by and notice you. * Making a leveraged play on your charisma and luck stats. * GDC Santa with the sack of boxed copies of Glittermitten Grove. * A map of TXT World stitched together out of screenshots, like in the good old days. * A greybeard coming out of the woodwork to admire your ANSI art map. * Disrespecting the expo. * Realizing that somebody is about to ask you how your GDC is going and getting the drop on them by asking how their GDC is going first. * Katie hauling off and gassing you up. * The hazards of being Jim Stormdancer. * A reward for not loving the death of the ugly and even the dangerous. * The tangled underworld of your socks. * Pretending to not be afraid of spiders because you don't want your son to be afraid of spiders. * Growing up with rhino beetles in Liberia. * Hog snakes. * The extremely specific feeling of a desperate beetle clinging to your pruny fingertip. * Formative bug experiences. * Millions of termites growing wings to do their big ol' termite sex party. * Sweeping up all the termites who are taking a nap after mating season to fry in palm oil as a special treat. * The morning where the entire town is covered in bugs which sucks but you get to eat them which rules. * Reminiscing about which body parts of a termite are saltiest. * Getting accustomed to eating termites by the time you get to the bottom of the bag. * Left-handed zippers. * Trying to use the wrong scissors and assuming that you have some kind of developmental problem. * The Uniball Jetstream Rollerball, with a pressurized ink reservoir. * The prince who was promised. * Fretting with your dominant hand. * Picking a specific guitar string at speed. * Whether handedness exists. * Drawing with gross motor movements. * Left-handed mugs. * Left-handed drums vs. open-handed drums.

    130. Gilding The Lemur

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 18, 2022 72:49

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tyriq * * * Stevie * Topics: * Watching TAS videos and wondering how much of what is happening is necessary vs flourish * If Jeff Bezos wanted to recreate Jurassic Park * Chocolate-dipped fruit has such an enormous gulf between perceived effort and actual effort that as a gift giver or potluck attendee you are all but obligated to take advantage * Strong Men, Riding Horses by Gwendolyn Brooks * * The creators of Earthworm Jim: Where are they now? Microtopics: * Tunic. * Finding collectible pages of a game's manual inside the game. * Games in fake languages. * Playing imported games in emulation and trying to figure out how to play even though you don't speak the language. * Curveballs. * A monthly in-person cozy casual game development meetup. * Discovering what people mean by "within" when people say "inquire within." * What happened to all of the art. * What a whale bone smells like after you clean it. * Whether it's grosser to drink bone marrow or eat oysters. * The most charming of all the crabs. * TAS runs. * The various kinds of tools that might assist you in creating a tool-assisted speed run. * Human-Mediated Speed Runs, or HMSRs. * Proving the ideal speed run. * Some kind of sequence that is based on a timer. * When the TAS run does a little dance and you're trying to figure out whether that's important to the run or if they're just killing time. * The game became Snake. * Whether coffee cures or causes cancer. * Like listening in a mirror. * The vapors. * Trillionaires not being as rich as they used to be. * A big big island full of organisms that are just waiting to be coated in gold. * Painting your entire body and dying somehow. * Lemur-friendly paints. * People who've eaten breakfast and then died. * Dipping some shit in some crap. * Watching Food Network to discover the Science of Chocolate. * An attractive morsel. * Pastries with fruit fillings. * A solid cube of a mass of dessert-object. * Taking advice from someone who hasn't even been on several hundred podcasts. * Frantically putting the Topic Lords banner back on your wall when you see Jim approaching. * Releasing Topic Lords episodes. * Shuffling off of this mortal topic. * Making a movie to promote your new chocolate bar. * A type of chocolate that tries to be solid. * Spaghetti-Os as a back formation of Spaghetti-O-ification, which is what happens when pasta passes through a black hole's event horizon. * Using Hawking radiation to retrieve lost Spaghetti-Os from within black holes. * The movie playing the sound of somebody peeing to let you know that now's when you get up to use the bathroom. * A crowd of people doing foley work for a restaurant scene in Murder She Wrote. * Picking somebody for Animatronic Angela Lansbury to murder and then picking somebody for her to pin it on when she solves the crime. * The fine line between true and false. * The fine line between foot and floor. * Desert-eyed, rentless strong men pasted to stars already. * A source of praise for the patriarchy. * Addled by landlords. * Whether being pasted to the stars is good. * The elbow of the topics. * Earthworm Jim. * A muscular goofball earthworm. * Whether you can say "groovy" and still be angry. * A strict no-sequels policy. * Not the thing you're here to talk about. * George "The Fat Man" Sanger. * Wall-E but a Roomba but also one of those 90s wireless phone cradles. * Games you can play for free on the web. * All the good times we had at Blockbuster Video renting movies from Blockbuster Video. * How public libraries still exist and offer more movies than your local Blockbuster Video had and they're free and you keep them for a month rather than two days but nobody gives a shit because libraries don't have branding or advertising. * A perfect solution to a problem that everybody wants solved urgently. * Weirdly buff creatures that should not be buff. * Music band with animal companion solves mystery. * The Dog & The Stoner & The Band & The Ghost. * Queen Slug-for-a-Butt.

    129. Yet Another Country Where They Don't Pee

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 11, 2022 67:05

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alex * Shannon Topics: * Regional Trash animals * Dynamic water features * The Pee Pee Dance is nowhere to be found on Wikipedia * The Bells, by Edgar Allen Poe * * Recipe essentialism * Sei Shonagon's Hateful Things are relatable * Microtopics: * Striving to sound like a motor that has just been switched off. * A very healthy vasovagal response. * Separating the platelets from the plasma. * Donating blood to anybody on the street with a needle and some brownie brittle. * Determining the blood type of this synthetic fake blood. * Brownies except they shatter like glass between your teeth. * Trashimals. * Visiting a new place and delighting at all the local pests. * Living in Florida and just bumping into crocodiles on the street. * Monkeys climbing your body to steal your food and break your camera. * Fairy penguins nesting in your storm drains. * Scooping rattlesnakes into a bucket, going to a military base and dumping them into the tank cockpits. * Only realizing that it's weird to have a rattlesnake in a jar on your porch when a Frenchman wants to come see. * It's a Canyon Thing. * Finding out that a mongoose is not the size of a goose. * One of the more hazardous trashimals. * Looking out the window and realizing that someone forgot to close the garage door and you're just going to have to wait for that grizzly bear to leave. * The mountain lion who visited downtown Berkeley. * A regular household goose. * Turning off Niagara falls at night. * Seeing behind the veil of the world when Niagara falls gets switched off. * Going to Hawaii to see the milky way. * A universal human experience that remains completely undocumented. * The squeeze and grab strategy. * Something you wouldn't want to sample in Costco. * The tiny sommelier in your butt. * Recipes calling for eggs or milk but not specifying which kind. * Pee shivers. * A reading face for radio. * A sort of runic rhyme. * The rhyming and the chiming of the bells bells bells bells bells bells bells. * Edgar Allan Poe as an emo Dr. Seuss. * The gamut of all the things bells can be. * Adding more bells to the end of each verse. * The Jabberwocky rewritten in the style of incomprehensible in-jokes. * A cake recipe with two ingredients. * Keto-something something cookies. * Mashing the crosshatch shape with a fork. * The Easy Cookbook: Over 100 Satisfying Recipes Made with Four Ingredients or Less. * Ice cream made from eggs and peanut butter. * The fourth ingredient is your car. * Writing a book of listicles in the 11th century. * The way the snow looks on the roofs of the village under moonlight, and how the plebian villagers can't appreciate it. * When one is in a hurry to leave but one's visitor keeps chattering away. * Shameless old people putting their feet up on braziers. * One's attachment to a man depending largely on the elegance of his leave-taking. * Trying to maintain all your clandestine relationships in a palace where the walls are made of paper. * A person who recites a spell after sneezing. * When one is about to be told some interesting piece of news and a baby starts crying. * The exorcist staying up too late and falling asleep in the middle of the exorcism. * All the interesting poetry and prose from a historical era being written by women because the men were expected to write in their second language. * The Empress receives the gift of a phonograph at the dawn of voice recording, and she turns to and is like "uh, figure out something to do with this."

    128. Intermittent Fasting Kirby

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 4, 2022 67:37

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Jenni * Chris * Topics: * Every tree in this desert is a bean * The statute of limitations on spoilers implies a social contract where we agree to consume media as soon as it's available instead of consuming it at the right time for ourselves * This list of words that men know but women don't, and vice versa * * * Ozymandias by Percy Shelley * * * 41 out of 42 people start life with some time to chill by themselves in the womb but twins don't, what's that like * Oldschool AD&D is hard to start but ultimately less video/board gamey which is great * Wordle speed runs are surprisingly riveting * Microtopics: * Plugging every Xalavier Nelson game. * Standing in a three bean soup. * Everyone's favorite Fire Emblem hero, Spiky Ball Tree. * Sweetgum. * Producing liquid amber but not calling it liquid amber for trademark reasons. * Whether it's possible to have green wood. * A traumatic formative art school experience that you take out on trees for the rest of your life. * Ablative armor. * Spoilers for the first novel ever written. * Seeing Empire Strikes Back dozens of times in the theater while in the womb. * A spoiler policy that makes people hate you. * Getting consent to gaslight your girlfriend about movies she hasn't watched. * Picking a movie line to be the only joke you ever say. * The list of movies for which there is no statute of limitations on spoilers. * Using a pen knife to cut open your forearm to reveal the servomotors inside any time there's a lull in the conversation. * The SpoilOrbs. * Inventing the video game haptics to allow a game designer to kick you in the balls. * Kittencore Dark Souls. * Junji-ito's cat diary. * Clutter in movies. * Hiring excellent schlubby actors. * Back when it was notable and interesting that Linda Hamilton got fit for Terminator 2. * Getting an AI on the job. * Laura Panini. * Live coding skeletal animation. * Rotating around a creepy lady. * Asking if anyone's seen something but nobody has. * When you push the button on the monitor and it goes all wibbly wobbly for a second. * A list going there. * A word that you only know if you read a lot of G.K. Chesterson. * Little Kirbys that help you out in the event of a prolapse. * How nobody in the UK knows what "goober" or "wine gums" means. * Abseiling and rappelling. * Putting "kerbside" on a list of words that Americans don't know. * Polearms that were descended from boar hunting. * Asking a thousand Americans to say yes or no to every word in the dictionary. * The Katana Yakuza Thesis. * Reading poetry in a funny voice. * The kind of person who would end a poem with a semicolon. * Reciting a poem about a guy you met yesterday who told you most of the poem. * Hearing from a guy about a rotting stump of a conquest. * Writing a poem where you meet a guy who tells you about a song that used to be on his iPod that you can no longer download from mp3 dot com. * Yelling at a long dead poet about punctuation. * Poetry about not knowing something but it's unclear whether nobody knows the thing or if it's just the poet's personal ignorance. * Painting ancient Greek statues flesh-colored. * Percy Shelley the nonsense man. * Smash Mouth cancelling their concert at your county fair after they got famous. * How to pronounce "shewed" * What's wrong with looking upon me? * 23 And Me informing you that you have a mom. * The familial incest tab on 23 And Me. * Twins: There's Two Of Them. * Twins in the womb listening to the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack and elbowing each other. * A person who could exist and would be attractive. * Geocities turn of the century vibes. * The t-shirt that Jim's wife bought him. * How Futurama made the name "Hubert" cool but "Pubert" is still no good. * Having six kids and naming them all Pubert. * Naming an ice cream shop "Fucklers" because who can stop you? (The police.) * Fucklers: Sole Owner of my Name Ice-Creamery. * The holding company that owns every disused mascot. * The Hamm's Beer Bear. * Wordle speed run categories. * Mathematicians who debunk Minecraft speed runs. * Trying to invent fake commentary for a sport you know nothing about. * Yelling advice to recorded speed runs. * Watching everybody believe Wordle conspiracy theories. * Comparing notes about reality. * Preferring having friends over being right. * The absolute best time to get off of social media.

    127. Let's e e cummings This Up

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 28, 2022 73:50

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Cort * * Fabian * Topics: * Black Square Day (inventing holidays and subsequently forgetting everything about them) * Nostalgia for old computers isn't because they were good, but because they sucked in ways that were simple to understand * The Dirtywave M8 tracker * Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, by Robert Frost * Microtopics: * The music videos of Max Cooper. * Styptic pencils. * Doing archaeology on your own Google calendar. * A stable time loop where your future self adds "Black Square Day" to your calendar. * Bringing a palindrome to the palindrome party. * Telling your visitors "it's Black Square Day; dress appropriately." * Celebrating the day you really burned the casserole. * Black Squaroling. * A way that your community organizes itself. * Getting in a pissing contest with your neighbors about whose house has the most black squares. * Booting up to a BASIC prompt so you need to write a short BASIC program to load the program you want to run (probably another BASIC program) * How the Commodore 64 BASIC determined where the line you were editing started and ended. * How Commodore 64 BASIC stored lines of code internally. * Survivorship bias among early microcomputer users. * Accepting a certain level of brokenness because fixing the problem will take an unbounded amount of time. * Machines that are simple enough for a single human to understand vs. those that are not. * What percentage of the Commodore 64's ROM is dedicated to implementing floating point math. * Varying levels of nostalgia for developing for the Playstation 3. * The room in London that the Playstation 2 had instead of a debugger. * The Tool PS2. * Fetishization of the mid-2010s tower PC * Second order nostalgia, for what 90s emulation of 80s games looked like. * Nostalgia for objectively terrible art style. * All the walls swimming all the time. * The 15 year nostalgia gap where nobody wants to remember the early 3D console games. * Making music on the toilet every day. * Trackers. * What Trackers are better at vs. traditional DAWs. * Music that ships with its own source code. * Technical limitations transforming into a unique aesthetic. * How to hide a second song in the same tracker module. * Doing a thing on the screen while music loops. * A portable device to edit spreadsheets that only has a trackball. * Looking at your song through a straw. * Loading a ProTracker module in FastTracker. * Trying to identify which tracker created the MOD you're reading by looking for file format bugs unique to that tracker. * Fixing bugs by hex editing an executable and that becomes the version everybody uses now. * What you call it when an archaeologist writes the file spec. * Unknown sources of dubious quality. * Lore of unknown provenance about how to play a mod file. * Watching dense notation scrolling by. * Loading tracker music into various players to see how their performances of the same material vary. * Trying to load up music you wrote fifteen years ago and needing to source old versions of all the plugins you used. * Watching the woods fill up with snow. * A very evocative one of those. * Whether sleep represents death in this poem or if it's just sleep this time. * Why write a poem. * Interviewing the author of a poem and then interviewing everyone who ever read the poem before writing the authoritative interpretation of that poem. * A joke that doesn't really seem like a joke at all. * Rating a poem on a five star scale and then deciding how many of those stars belong to each of the stanzas. * The Three Musketeers sequels that nobody has read. * Getting paid by the line and adding a character to your story that speaks only one word at a time. * How to write 300 books a year. * Taking out the but because there's nothing for it to but. * Ceramic clown statues.