Topic Lords

Follow Topic Lords
Share on
Copy link to clipboard

Topic Lords, the only place on the Internet where you can hear topics discussed!

Jim Stormdancer

Donate to Topic Lords

    • Sep 13, 2021 LATEST EPISODE
    • weekly NEW EPISODES
    • 1h 4m AVG DURATION
    • 99 EPISODES

    Search for episodes from Topic Lords with a specific topic:

    Latest episodes from Topic Lords

    99. I Want You To Never Show Me This

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 13, 2021 61:51

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mitch * * * Xander Topics: * The title "Super Smash Brothers for Nintendo 3DS" is the first two lines of a haiku * * Spectrum of porcupine tunings by eigenmonzos * The Letter C * Finding the light switch in this bed and breakfast * * The bizarre CD-ROM game Monty Python made in the 90s * Tumblr would be a good website if it wasn't such a bad website Microtopics: * Starting to meet up just in time for the Delta variant to show up. * jan Misali of the Youtube channel jan Misali. * Using Bing to google things. * A recent video you will have made. * How many games are in the Super Mario series. * Super Smash Bros / For Nintendo 3DS / It's Coming This Fall * Super Mario 64DS HD For Nintendo Switch. * The only three games that everyone can agree are Super Mario games. * Super Mario's Wacky Worlds for the Phillips CD-i. * Not knowing who to vote for comptroller so googling each candidate's name with "is good" and picking the one with the most results. * Whether Super Mario Run is a platformer. * The bare minimum of procgen required for a game to count as an endless runner. * When there's no consensus, there's no communication. * The Super Mario Artist series. * Any game you can look at counting as a "video game* because video is Latin for "I see." * Xenharmonics and microtonal music. * Subdividing the octave into 19 psychoacoustically equal segments. * The Venn diagram between people interested in microtonal music and people who understand singular value decomposition. * Enjoying 17-TET music but only the parts that would've sounded better in 12-TET. * Learning enough about Super Mario Bros. Special to decide whether it's a game. * All the different ways you could count things. * The only nontrivial solution to the cannonball problem. * Finding the center of a shape by cutting it out of cardboard and balancing it on your finger. * The Encyclopedia of Triangle Centers. * 39,474 different ways to find the center of a triangle. * Being wrong about the letter C. * Spelling it SD-ROM but still pronouncing it CD-ROM. * The fault of vulgar Latin. * Proto-Western Romance. * What Q means to us. * Slicing up a house into apartments by roping off a stairway. * Things depicted as normal in Hollywood movies that can't possibly be normal, such as flipping a switch to activate spinning blades in your sink. * Dedicated garbage knives that are just for cutting up garbage, that you keep next to the regular kitchen knives and they look the same but you know which ones are which. * The part of the infomercial for the Sink Knife Gun that's black and white where the lady is struggling to cut up her sink drain trash by sticking knives down there and wiggling them around. * Making a smoothie with a mortar and pestle. * Whether the Sarlacc Pit inspired garbage disposals or vice versa. * A Taco Bell built into a striking, memorable building. * A game you could check out at the local video store. * Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time. * CD-ROM experiences. * Minigames that mess with your interface. * The outer space labyrinth mine cart puzzle tying together all the unrelated Monty Python sketches. * Completing a game and it changes your desktop wallpaper to a congratulations screen. * Completing a level and unlocking audio you can set as your answering machine message. * Solving the secret for intergalactic success. * Topics you might like: food. * The quintessential Tumblr story. * The Tale of John Green's Favorite Taste. * Reblogging a post and then editing it so it looks like the person you were reblogging said something else. * John Green as in "The Bum Bum Song" John Green. * What it took to convince Tumblr to finally make it so you can't edit other people's posts. * Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra discussing John Green's Favorite Taste. * The Insane Clown Posse's web master writing a web chat server with no security whatsoever. * Feeling cool because you ruined it for everybody else. * Googling just the letter W. * Dueling George W. Bush to the death over ownership of the letter W.

    98. That's Content, Baby!

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 6, 2021 62:58

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * * Christine * * Topics: * Where are my glasses? * Nighttime is the time of abstract possibility and imagination because the world is gone. * This huge tub of homemade toum * Turn Down For What * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Modern TV re-discovering the episodic format Microtopics: * Mining the pre-show banter for a clip. * Dreaming of producing content every second of your life. * Getting hooked up to the content matrix and spewing content out of every orifice. * Burnt Notice. * Watercresstine. * Looking upon Burn Notice as your weird uncle who lives in your basement. * A podcast about discussing episodes of a podcast discussing episodes of Burn Notice. * Recording a song in the style of We Are The World except instead of the proceeds going to help children in Africa you keep the money. * Recording a song in the style of We Are The World except instead of the proceeds going to help children in Africa, it goes to getting Doctor Who back on the air. * We Are The Timelords. * Doctor In Distress. * Needing to stop making a podcast before your listeners can beg you to come back. * How locals pronounce "Los Angeles." * Not knowing how to look for your glasses in an apartment because your normally live in a farmhouse. * How nobody in LA owns more than one chair. * Whether Hallie's glasses were in the fridge. * Posting photos of your apartment to the internet so people can help you find your glasses. * Whether Winston answers the phone at a Korean BBQ restaurant in LA. * Being awake during the day: terrible. * The most concrete time of day. * Going to preschool and answering phones for a Korean barbecue restaurant until daddy picks you up at 4. * Loving 2am but being in bed by 9:30pm. * Like a tree but shorter, louder with stickier hands. * No responsibility except what you make for yourself. * An emulsion like mayonnaise except instead of tasting like mayonnaise it tastes like garlic. * Vampires hating garlic because they don't like the taste. * Whether you can have the vampire gene but not be a vampire. * Vampirism as a collection of traits that often manifest together, and you're only diagnosed with vampirism if these traits interfere with your ability to do your job. * How many marshmallows go in fudge. * Converting from marshmallows when the recipe calls for mini marshmallows. * Using marshmallows as bait to catch God when everyone knows God hates marshmallows. * Videos that love to start with a black screen that goes on a little too long when you're watching at one quarter speed. * A man in a blue hoodie jiggling as something is taking him over. * Shattering furniture with the power of your raw sexuality. * The Scully stand-in who is extremely skeptical about how horny this guy is. * St. Vitus' Dry Hump. * Could I be a fish doing push-ups? * Whether there is a Hitmonchan in this bra, and whether it's evolving, and whether we should push B. * The relief of consuming media and not feeling the need to form any reaction whatsoever. * Spiking the punch with LSD. * A cop whose face melts because he doesn't know what you'd turn down for. * Contracting a bad case of Original Sin and being very angry about it. * A straight man who stole Elton John's sunglasses. * Whether DJ Snake looks like a douchebag or just looks French. * Characters who grow hornier and hornier as over the course of eight seasons. * The 1943 Watchmen TV series. * The Veronica Mars model of serialization. * Whether the Columbo renaissance implies a Murder She Wrote renaissance. * Whether that's content, baby. * A character in a romantic comedy who makes web sites for everyone but who can't make a web site for herself.

    97. A Clearly Marked Hellhole

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 30, 2021 58:12

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tina * * Slothy * Topics: * What do Indie devs imagine AAA is like * My cousin is an astronaut * Finding an ad for a medicare scam in my drafts folder * Brad asks "The '30 days hath...' rhyme sucks as a mnemonic because so many months rhyme. Everyone should just use the knuckle mnemonic instead." * * Ted Lasso * My post-burnout solo European vacation with a guy who had illicit keys to Notre Dame Microtopics: * Having one name like Cher but also having more names too. * Giving yourself a nickname because there are too many people with just your name. * Creating personal boundaries in an office setting and making it clear when people cross them. * Working on a regimented team where everyone has specific roles and the programmers can't just say "I feel like doing sound design today." * How to motivate yourself to work. * Cultural things that can go wrong with code reviews. * Wondering if a feature is a good idea and implementing it in a day and putting it in front of testers to find out. * How long before you ship a game is good. * How to get a team of 300 people to change direction. * How to be invested enough to do a good job but not invested enough that you'll freak out if your work doesn't make it into the final product. * Reasons to go to GDC. * My Cousin The Astronaut. * Sitting in the bleachers to watch the space shuttle launch. * A building that they don't tear down because it contains things * Building the international space station by sending up one piece per shuttle launch. * Whether Buzz Aldrin is still an astronaut. * Deciding as a child that you want to be an astronaut and from that point on making every decision in your live based on that goal. * Watching your daughter carry part of the international space station across a busy freeway. * Space shuttles exploding and driving up NASA's insurance rates. * The pros and cons of relentlessly chasing your dreams. * Self-esteem vs. self-compassion. * Living in LA and having to remind your kids that not everyone works in movies. * Different definitions of success. * The least-driven game developer. * Enjoying the process of making art vs. enjoying the result. * People enjoying what you've worked on. * Boosting your social security check by up to $1782 per year. * A Special Medicare Advantage Part B Premium "Giveback" Rebate Benefit. * Your pocket writing an email about Medicare. * Having a dream about Medicare and waking up and deciding to become a spam magnate. * Whether the mailto: protocol can specify a subject and a body. * Making a pact to change your email password. * Mnemonics for remembering how long each month is. * The Knuckle Mnemonic. * Whether it was aliens or the pope who stole the two months we used to have after December. * A show about nerding out. (It's this one.) * How wifi works in space when planets can get in the way. * The first moment of freedom on Mars. * Living on the Grand Canyon except you have to keep your eyes closed. * Thanking Brad. * Choosing a topic for nefarious reasons. * The least skeptical TV show. * Trying to remember to give people the benefit of the doubt. * Buying a plane ticket to Europe without knowing what you're going to do there. * Your friend in Paris who has a keyring with keys to every church in the city. * Breaking into Notre Dame during the COVID lockdown and checking out the view from the roof. * The listening tower that the NSA used to spy on East Germany. * Using a variety of methods to get the keys to every church in Paris. * A wig for people who have a mohawk that is just mostly one of the sides of your head. * The Santa Cruz Hell Hole. * Building the Paris tunnels to get partying teens off the streets and underground.

    96. Get Down With Some Bugs

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 23, 2021 51:50

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords * Kev * * Quil * Whisper your secret to a snail. Topics * Ephemeral digital music * Being a guest on a podcast that you normally listen to is a weird experience because it feels like you're not supposed to talk * An update on Bug Mars * Dancing in the Street * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * If you were to meet an adult who has never even heard of video games, what would you give them to demonstrate what they are? You are not allowed to interact with them in any other way Microtopics: * An awkward silence where you can't decide who goes first. * Having to deliver all the chapters of a book at once. * Kanary. * Cooling it on making internet people mad ever since you had a kid. * Overstepping your own boundaries. * Lending a certain patina to your Twitter thread. * Midis and meedees. * Listening to a game soundtrack on a different sound engine than your had as a child. * Listening to a game soundtrack on a different sound engine than the composer used. * Proc-gen game soundtracks. * A kill cam except it's a kill jingle * Your online game detecting when someone draws a penis in the game's graffiti system but not when they draw a penis in the music editor's note grid. * Ways of converting an image to audio. * Deciding it's not worth going into detail but going into detail anyway. * What executables sounds like and why they sound like that. * Spelling the word "minimum" in a spectrograph by singing swooping pitches. * A video game that induces four friends to sing cacophonously together. * Three strangers having a conversation that your don't get to be a part of. * Parasocial relationships. * How to instantly become friends with a famous person you are a fan of. * Two asymmetrical relationships snapping together to become a single symmetrical relationship. * What you could've had if you just picked two friends host your podcast instead of all of them. * A small company named after a throwaway joke. * Spinning up a cricket farm. * The Amazon of cricket protein. * Alternative and synthetic protein. * Receiving a care package of bug protein that you're definitely not going to eat. * Whether a cricket burger is still better for the environment than a beef burger if you have to ship it across the country. * Being grateful that other people will save the world in the ways that you don't. * A brick wall, folks. * SCP or rolled up carpet? * A leprechaun with a mullet. * Wearing a trench coat over a floral print jumpsuit. * Racing In The Street. * Everybody, where "everybody" means two people. * Not being able to afford lighting after renting that crane and asking every crew member to point their car headlights at the dancers. * Whether you still trigger counterfeiting laws by putting realistic money in your movie. * An extended shot of Mick Jagger guzzling a generic can of beer. * Dancing In A Stairwell. * Dancing In The Void. * Freeze frame on a couple of butts. * A derelict flour mill that appears in every Brit-pop music video. * How to tell how well you're doing in a Match Three game. * Choosing to not introduce the mind virus of casual games to an indigenous tribe. * Whether Bejeweled is more market-tested than Pong as an introductory video game. * The invention of the platformer. * Super Mario Bros. 3's budget and development timeline. * The ways that the developers had to make Super Mario Bros. worse to make it viable as an arcade game. * Finding an adult who has never heard of Mario, jumping, video games or television and locking them in a room until they beat Super Mario Bros. * Looking at an image on a flat surface and interpreting it as analogous to a physical scene in the real world. * Synesthesia but for ideas. * Whispering a secret to the snail.

    95. The Florida Of Canada

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 16, 2021 62:08

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Maxx * @mechcem on Twitter * Maxx plugs sitting at various angles * Erica * @YerrikTRB on Twitter * Erica plugs Lovage, not the band but the spice * Jim * Jim plugs Big Boy beds, or doesn't Topics: * Things I Chewed as a Youth. * In which I beg Jim to use a sharp knife or at least let me teach his child to. * Canadian floating feet: explained. * * Brad asks "Listening to spoilery discussion of a piece of media because you think you don't care about it, but then being convinced by said discussion that you actually would have liked it." * Do you know off hand the tallest person you've met? And other things I wish we tracked culturally. * At 7 feet 0 inches: * At 6 feet 9 inches: * Egg the Arts Show *,theArts_Show * Some of EGG on VIMEO Microtopics: * Sitting at various angles. * Toilets with threatening auras. * The butthole being the mind and the poop being the body. * Replacing all your spices with lovage. * How to use white pepper. * Breaking into the kitchen and finding where they keep the peppercorns. * Big boy beds. * Performatively lying on stuffed animals. * Baby MacGyver disassembling his crib from the inside. * One for the baby book. * The side number theory of beds. * Sleeping on a bed shaped like a mobius strip. * Sleeping on a tightrope because your triangular bed had too many sides. * Staying up as late as you can and then falling asleep where you stand. * Hiding inside the circular rack of shirts in JC Penney. * Climbing inside a circular rack of chastity belts at JC Penney and becoming trapped when an employee comes by and locks all the belts. * Collecting pins from the collars of the men's shirts and sticking them all into the calluses of your hands and running around displaying your hands to freak out the grownups. * Chewing all the bones so nobody in your family can play Operation. * An endlessly chewy grape. * The sign up sheet for chewing on the fake plastic grape. * The hierarchy of who in your 4th grade class is allowed to chew on the plastic grape next and for how long. * The copycat endlessly chewy grape that is not as good as the one that Erica refuses to give up. * Dipping the chewing sponge in whiskey to refresh its flavor. * Filling the endlessly chewy plastic grape with peanut butter. * Chewing stim toys that are designed for babies but you can totally chew on them as an adult too. * Eating the eyes out of the fish before anybody else gets the chance. * The novelty of eating an identifiable body part. * The Snack That Tastes Back. * Being faced with an ice cream bar shaped like a human and deciding whether to bite off its legs first so it can't run away or bite off its head first so it can't scream. * Not celebrating Easter but knowing about Easter candy because you bought it on sale afterwards. * Whether or not to teach a four year old kitchen knife skills. * Giving a cat a tail knife so that it is pointy on six out of six ends. * The least optimal medium for explaining how to hold a kitchen knife. * Seeing a two year old and needing to arm the two year old. * Teaching a two year old how to wield power responsibly. * Disarticulated feet washing ashore. * Sneakers being more buoyant than sneakers thirty years ago. * Why floating feet like landing in Canada. * Never a single foot. * Salish Sea Human Foot Discoveries. * As It Happens. * Talking to a Canadian man who was near an earthquake. * Cons: loose feet. * Lying about the quality of water. * Turning the amnesia pill like a kitchen timer to specify how much time you want to lose. * Trying to get to Twitter Zero but some people who follow you don't log on any more so you have to find them in real life and annoy them enough that they log in to Twitter to unfollow you, but not enough that they call the police. * Cosplaying a 2013-era Twitter asshole by uploading an egg as your profile photo. * Tweeting nothing but pop culture spoilers and phobia-triggering photos for months to shed as many followers as possible in your quest for Twitter Zero. * A Twitter bot that changes its avatar and username to the last person who tweeted at it and tweets what they said back at them. * Not knowing if anyone has time these days and asking the listeners to write in if they have time, but not reading any of the emails because you don't have time. * A language where disclosing whether you've eaten eggplant today is built into the grammar. * Meeting a basketball player and their suit is yards and yards of tweed going right up to the ceiling, with their head perched on top. * Meeting the basketball player who retired to play pinball at California Extreme. * Learning to spin a ball on your finger at Harlem Globetrotters basketball camp. * All the time you spent at basketball camp and eating avocado toast that you wish you could have back now. * Moving to Detroit and wanting to make neighborhoods more friendly. * Planting cabbages outside of smokestacks to remove heavy metals from the soil. * Emailing the producer of a show you liked twenty years ago to let them know that it's not online anywhere and ending up spearheading the project to archive the show permanently. * Doxing yourself live on the air. * A Twitter account that every Topic Lord can post from.

    94. We're All Pet Shop Boys Now

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 9, 2021 54:03

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * James * * * Tyriq * * Topics: * Ravens of Golden Gate Park * Do you also want to destroy the moon? Or: What kind of supervillain are you * Novation Circuit * Domino Dancing * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: Microtopics: * What exactly qualifies a collection of songs as an album. * A solid Mastodon follow. * Filling an album with songs until the CD is full. * The ravens you pass on your walk every day. * The guy in the brown vest who never does anything. * CORVID-19. * A raven who is extremely surprised that you don't have any food. * The mask everyone has agreed to wear when it's time to go cruising for trouble with the crows. * Wielding a cream pie so if you accidentally hit someone you are guaranteed to do 0 damage. * The Mythbusters episode where they figure out how to drown someone with a pancake. * Whittling down your hit points until you stub your toe and die. * Hit points as a measure of your will to go on, so when someone hits you in the face with a pie it's a serious blow as you reconsider whether you're really cut out to be an adventurer. * Bonus spleen damage. * The half-dozen extra organs Space Marines have surgically grafted in for fighting. (But none for love.) * Hit points representing individual vertebrae so when a high level Final Fantasy character has 999 HP that means they're basically a giraffe now. * Secretly replacing the moon with a hologram of the moon. * Fantasy settings where the moon is destroyed and strewn across the sky like the rings of Saturn. * Whether it'd be less work to steal a moon of Mars or to retrieve Ceres to give our moon a nice sky companion. * Aspirations of both destroying or romancing the moon. * Accidentally pushing the supervillain button to destroy all cereal crops when you meant all cold cereals. * Why they call them Grape Nuts. * Back when it was a big deal that they baked these crackers using electric power. * A tool that is worse at what it does than your laptop but has the advantage that you can't go on Twitter. * Making 80s techno because you're not ready to make a twelve-tone Schoenberg piece. * Wanting to make fun jams but not knowing how to play any instruments. * A smooth sequencer workflow. * Different ways to make a song. * Getting a guitar so you can put guitar sounds in your music and then realizing that now you have to learn to play guitar. * Reasons you might want to leave notes out of a chord. * Leaving the bass notes out because the bass player is taking care of that. * Nine note scales and eleven note scales and everything in between. * Pushing the limits of your instrument beyond what it was intended for. * The lived experience of wanting cool synthesizers in the 90s vs. In the 20s. * Music equipment manufacturers realizing you could make a toy analog synthesizer and sell it for $200 and everyone would buy it because it's a cheap fun music toy. * Putting a cpu in a plastic box and there's your synthesizer and all that's left is to add some buttons. * Synth Lords. * Two shirtless young men sitting by a tree. * Whether conventionally attractive people can work in pet shops. * Back in the 80s before it was legally mandated that musicians be extremely attractive. * Tipping your silver hard hat and saying "milady." * Smash cut to a Pet Shop Boy standing in the doorway and the audience gasps. * How you would identify the Pet Shop Boys if not for the baseball caps saying "boy." * Pet Shop Boyd. * Return of the stripy shirts. * Pet Shop Yinz. * Two shirtless youths fighting in the ocean. * Trying to start a fight while outdoors by saying "Do you want to take this to the beach? We can't take it outside because we're already outside! The beach is the outside of the outside! After that it goes to space! Do you want to take this to space?" * Walking alone on the beach while your suitors wrestle in the ocean suggestively. * Horses getting loose on set while you're filming a music video and getting in every shot. * Error with an f.

    93. A Medical Advice Podcast

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 2, 2021 61:49

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mara * * April * Topics: * Frog and Toad core * What would you do with a bonus room in your house? * My reptile brain is a cat-loving ninja * If you could submit one thing (a song, a building, a food, an activity, an abstract concept) to the interstellar community of sapient intelligences as your part of The Case For Why The Human Race Is Good And Cool, what would it be? * How earnest lessons you try to teach your children backfire * Murder She Wrote is back on prime * Asafoetida powder Microtopics: * The Expanse: bigger than before. * A developer's guide to cognitive behavioral therapy. * The various circumstances under which the Frog Fractions DLC hat can be a witch hat. * Cottagecore vs. Frog and Toad core. * Cottagecore merged with an old man. * Embracing Frog and Toad for pride month. * Finding the bodice rippers with people with dark curly hair on the cover because you can imagine those are light-skinned black people. * The relative density of the east coast. * Getting out of California before it's too late. * A complete dearth of natural disasters. * Writing an offer letter for a home you want to buy and mentioning your adorable child who just needs a home several times. * Moving into a space that is twice as big and not knowing what to do with all the space. * An Austenian fantasy you have been cherishing in your bosom. * A perfect cosy library with chairs that trap people. * Installing a ladder on casters so you can ride it around the room every morning in your Belle outfit. * Coming up with excuses to install the ladder on casters even though you can just reach up and grab every book in your library. * One of those booths with a fan at the bottom that you fill by ripping a single page out of every book in your library. * How much extra you can charge for an Airbnb hidden behind a secret bookshelf. * Going into the Library of Congress to check out Bullfrog's Official Guide to Dungeon Keeper. * A room full of music production equipment and no internet connection. * Asking your child to focus at dinner when all the adults at the table have their phones out. * Saving a cat by applying torque to a falling chair. * Doing a thing before you realize you've done it and thinking "wow it's a good thing I agree with those actions." * Deliberately relying on your unconscious mind to do important work. * Whether Jim and his wife need to get checked for ADHD. * A teen who can write a hell of a term paper. * The interstellar community of sapient intelligences. * The case for why the human race is good and cool. * Winnie the Pooh. * Reclaiming the poop. * Taco Bell's cannon firing nacho cheese chalupas at the enemy spaceships. * Trying to convey "hygge" without being willing to try to pronounce it. * Learning about alien cultures by watching Star Trek. * A five year old explaining to you how T-Mobile are leaders in 5G technology. * A perfectly sensible reaction to the story of Noah's Ark. * Learning what fighting is and deciding to fight your mom. * A book about a child who needs to be reprimanded all the time. * Shouting "no" and throwing the phone on the floor whenever an ad plays. * Watching Murder She Wrote every night before bed. * Jessica Fletcher the serial killer and her nephew Grady, also a serial killer. * How good Jessica Fletcher would be at breaking up a loud graduation party. * Predicting when the party next door is going to end by the decade the music is from. * How to recognize a trap remix of the Murder She Wrote theme from just the bass. * Tricking your family into playing the Murder She Wrote board game. * Not needing a wedding ring because your husband got you the Murder She Wrote DVD boxed set. * Discovering what DVDs are and deciding to put them in the shower. * Covering the shower drain with the Wii Sports disc because they're the exact same size. * A bone-dry shower. * Always shirt-cocking it. * Baby poop and onions but also kind of floral but also you hate onions. * Resorch. * Dried latex from the celery family. * Boiling your neti pot water to kill the brain-eating bacteria that might pass through the blood brain barrier.

    92. Tomb Of The Spider-Men

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 26, 2021 60:01

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Abby * * * John B * Topics: * The 1998 Tips & Tricks Magazine Video Game Codebook, a Larry Flynt publication that is not porn but, in a certain sense, is not unlike porn * Why grease 2 is the best superhero musical; a mild defense of the 60s superman musical * * Tower of Druaga * Cibo Matto - Sugar Water * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Microtopics: * The illustrious Abby Denton. * A shambles. * Locking your Twitter so nobody knows what you're doing in there. * Making a whole video game magazine out of just the good parts of video game magazines. * Publishing a series of short stories by formatting them like cheat codes and then submitting them to Tips & Tricks magazine. * Nostalgia for when most of your perception of the gaming world came from tiny screenshots in magazines. * A book that is a bunch of fake games and paragraphs about them. * A duck riding a skateboard. * Making a book out of a Twitter thread. * Reading about video games in magazines probably being the optimal experience actually because most games were terrible. * Game Master Anthony's birthday party. * Street Fighter 2, the last game in the Street Fighter series. * NBA Jam arcade as proof that cheat codes are compatible with microtransactions. * Renting a game just to prove to your friend that the cheat code they heard about doesn't actually work. * WWF Attitude. * Enjoying the bouquet of Uniracers. * A certain quality of gibberish. * Publishing a fake cheat code in the annual Tips and Tricks monster issue to convey the location of your drug drop. * Putting Roll back in the Marvel vs. Capcom series. * A very mild defense. * Superman fighting a gang of Chinese acrobats portrayed by white heroin addicts. * Mafiosos cha-cha-ing around the room and chanting "Curtains for Superman!" * The only Superman story where kryptonite never appears. * An evil psychoanalyst defeating Superman by convincing him he's just a regular guy. * Why can't the strongest man in the world be the happiest man in the world? * Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark. * Dorky British guys trying to impress Michelle Pfeiffer. * Giving a three year old a DVD of Grease 2 for her birthday. * Everything are an opera. * Just barely losing the Nobel Prize for thirty years in a row. * Japanese arcade note-sharing culture. * If Atari 2600 Adventure has a dozen Easter eggs as obscure as its hidden room, and they were all necessary to finish the game. * One thing the NES is good at. * The Gilligan's Island game for NES. * Gilligan's Island for NES being rated only .1 star out of five less than Sonic CD. * Game Center CX. * The time you could explore Namco Museum. * Bubble Bobble. * Hiding a bunch of stuff in your indie game inspired by Frog Fractions but nobody ever finds it because nobody cared enough about your game. * Spelunky 2. * Your stuff per second rate. * Nightmare of Druaga. * How to know if you have a friend. * A Brian De Palma split screen dream. * Waking up with sugar on your head. * Michel Gondry's music video ouevre. * I, Palindrome, I. * A team of compositors working for six months to bring your one-second idea to fruition. * Hitting someone with your car and then following them down the street yelling at them. * A reverse strip club where the performers are moving backwards in time. * Practicing how to put a reverse-causality shirt on. * A complete understanding of why Miho Hatori is going to bed with a sugar head. * Teaching your son how to yawn. * Playing Doctor Robotnik's Mean Bean Machine with your tiny, tiny feet. * Jerks welcome!

    91. Careening Towards The Poop Dreads Barrier

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 19, 2021 57:33

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Xalavier * * * Tom * * Topics: * Shaped CDs and other data formats too cool to live in 2021 * * The Steve Jackson RPG you called on the telephone in 1988 * * Opposites Attract * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Let's brainstorm ideas for how to make the next Sonic game so bad that it kills the sonic franchise once and for all * Double-sided pizza * * Poop dreads Microtopics: * Waiting for three months to buy the fancy new LIDAR eyes for your Clydesdale. * Whether Microsoft would eat horseflesh, and whether that would be a bad thing. * Whether the hippo is a bigger threat to humanity than the Tsetse fly. * The only animal in the history of the planet to be equipped with a Gatling gun. * Whether anyone has beaten the bucket. * A white man in tech who has never been on a podcast. * An Airport for Aliens Currently Run by Dogs. * Having horseflesh on the mind. * Whether the horse runs an airport or its own dimension. * A bright line in the sand between the listeners and Poop Dreads. * Finding a CD-ROM shaped like a polyhedron at the bottom of the cereal box. * Filling a CD with 4k resolution dog photographs. * Shipping a modern game on 100 novelty shaped CDs and also shipping an enormous disc changer add-on to the PS5, called the "DataLathe." * Contract negotiations where you're not allowed to remove any text from the contract but you can add as much as you want to the end. * Your DataLathe™ exploding, covering everyone in the room with Lathecerations™. * Campaigning for months to get the foam disc gun from the dollar store. * How many dogs you could fit in a mid-sized Subaru. * Ordering a free starter pack for this play-by-phone RPG by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to the company running it. * Sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to get a free trial of a defunct play-by-phone RPG and receiving a Moons Over My Hammy from the Denny's currently occupying that building. * A coked-up American businessman in 1988 making an overseas phone call and paying 38 pence a minute so he can press 3 to cast fireball. * A kid reading about a 900 number in the back of a magazine and just calling it and later their parents receive a phone bill and there's no regulatory oversight because the industry was replaced by the internet more quickly than lawmakers could act. * Tricking children into calling a phone number that bills their parents for a percentage of their net worth and inventing taxes. * Approaching the Poop Dreads barrier and being shot out of the sky. * A puff of chimney smoke that makes it look like a cat is farting. * Giving a cat a flat top and a goatee. * Ripping out the back seat of a Toyota Camry and throwing it in an alley to contrast with the relentless glamour of Paula Abdul. * Disco Ball earrings. * Whether Silent Hill 2 would've been better starring M.C. Skat Kat. * A funny cartoon cat man in a music video. * Learning about what people thought was okay in the 80s. * M.C. Skat Kat blaming the alley he lives in for his lack of hygiene when cats can just lick themselves to take a bath. * The Oral History of M.C. Skat Kat in Opposites Attract. * Hanging like a spider from an unseen perch. * Paula Abdul trying to Mario Kart dash but whiffing it. * A clock on the edge of the rooftop facing inwards so that the cool teens hanging out on the roof can head home before the purge starts. * M.C. Skat Kat's ballerina training. * Looking at two people whose names start with "Xa" and assuming that they're the same person. * The Sonic Cycle. * Ending the Sonic Cycle so that Sega can just focus on making Yakuza games. * What it would take to kill the Sonic franchise. * The Sonic game where players go back in time to kill Yuji Naka and destroy the timeline. * Sending an assassin back in time to kill Yuji Naka before he invents Sonic the Hedgehog and coming back to the present to find our cultural landscape dominated by M.C. Skat Kat. * Goro Majima featuring in the next Sonic the Hedgehog game. * Putting the toppings as far away as possible from the organ you enjoy food with. * Inventing double sided pizza by folding your pizza the other way. * Biting into the Hot Pocket before making sure it's cool enough to safely consume because they're not called Cool Enough To Safely Consume Pockets. * An inverted calzone. * A beautiful world in which you ask a street vendor for "one pepperoni please" and he hands you a balloon and the balloon is pizza filled with helium. * Every pizza balloon coming with a q-tip inside in case you need to clean your ears after eating. * Arranging litterboxes in a geodesic dome so your cat goes "finally an arrangement I respect enough to poop in." * Putting chicken wire around your bed but it doesn't keep the cat out because it's not cat wire. * The difference between polite and clean. * A cat who is afraid of its own hair.

    90. That's My Glass Petard!

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 12, 2021 73:59

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Jenni * * Kole * * Topics: * Whether or not you should stop animals who are thieves. * We're gonna reach a point where Americans know about Eurovision pretty soon, so prepare for that * "CRL couldn't afford the movie license for their video game adaptation of Blade Runner, so they just licensed the soundtrack. * * I Did It by Dave Matthews Band * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Showing your kid the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon & him immediately adopting Sonic's attitudey idle animation * Fixing every plot hole in media by writing a "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead"-like work where minor characters directly address them. * The "I won't eat the cheese" joke * Adventure 500: Microtopics: * An entire crowd of Jennis all expressing their preferences at once. * Creative choices that make editing this show take even longer. * Feeling some topics right now. * Helping a seagull looter escape. * Just assuming that the seagull didn't pay for that bag of chips. * Sending a penguin to the market to buy fish. * The Keystone Kops of stopping this bird from having a cheese sandwich. * How nobody can get mad if you train your dog to steal from shops. * An adorable seagull stealing somebody's insulin. * Activating the motion-sensing doors to help a seagull steal the Hope Diamond. * Encountering a seagull smoking a tiny crack pipe and deciding whether to post a video on social media or send it to rehab. * How to monetize the rat trying to go up the down escalator. * When you post a viral video of a rat trying to go up the down escalator and monetize it by replying with an ad for mail order brides but don't give the rat a cut off the income. * Whether Americans know about Eurovision. * Pretending the listeners don't know what Eurovision is and really lording it over them. * Having to adjust for the altitude when you bake a souffle on your high horse. * If every state in the USA got to perform one song at the Super Bowl halftime show. * Mr. Lordy. * Soccer except it's singing. * Looking up what girding your loins means. * Stocking up on batteries in advance of when Americans find out about Eurovision. * Power-washed Cheetos. * A bag of bad corn snacks impaled on both a pike and a spike. * Cat Is How Much. * The specific ways in which Wikidiff is broken. * Retiring replidroids. * Knife Hopper with Boy Ratty and Dick Reckard. * An extremely composed and photogenic dumpster. * Getting ready for some very uncomfortable mugging. * Identifying wizards by their extremely shiny outfits. * Why is this man so big? * Smoke tentacles that are just trying to turn the TV on. * How badly the red wizard needs food. * Sugar Ray Charles playing guitar with one hand and holding champagne in the other. * A dojo with sauna vibes. * Dripping your dumpster water onto the hookah rip enjoyer. * Dave-- that's what his fans call him: Dave. * Dave Matthews's flying kick fizzling out because his bribe to the VFX artist wasn't big enough. * Scaring the fish with your pec shimmy. * Doing community service with the purple wizard who is now the orange wizard. * Your two most attitudey friends getting married and having a kid. * Deciding that Sonic the Hedgehog's "I'm waiting" idle animation from Sonic 1 is so central to the character that you decide you need to invent reasons for Sonic to be bored in every episode of the Sonic cartoon. * Looking at your old yearbook photos and realizing that your smirk is the same as Sonic the Hedgehog's. * Kids getting sucked into Sonic the Hedgehog's engorged monopupil younger and younger every year. * The helicopter but it gets you lift. * Mario's idle animation in Super Mario 64 where he just starts naming Italian foods. * Whether someone at Nintendo of America heard Charles Martinet's Mario audition tape and thought "Martinet's an Italian name, right? That means it can't be racist!" * The alternate reality where Charles Martinet does a cartoonish French accent to voice Nintendo's platformer mascot. * Getting offended on behalf of the French. * Whether we should give Shamus O'Leary a hard time for having a racist name. * Shamus O'Leary finding the video on Instagram where you did a cartoon Irish accent in his store's bathroom and being like "is that our choking poster??" * Hearing that Andy Dufresne makes a hole in a cell wall and assuming Shawshank Redemption is a sequel to Fantastic Voyage. * Writing a short story about a friendly rat who explains how Marty McFly's parents didn't recognize him. * Making it a life goal to transform every goof on IMDB into an "error made by character" by writing fan sequels on AO3. * Explaining how Marty McFly's parents didn't recognize him by pointing out that it was actually a movie the whole time. * The stage play of Super Mario Bros 2 where the audience just watches Mario snore for two hours while listening to jaunty ragtime. * A joke striking you loudly enough that it's still ringing in your head twenty years later. * Paris Syndrome. * Jerusalem Syndrome. * Planting a palm tree under the Eiffel Tower. * Adventure 500. * A game jam where you recreate a game you haven't played in years from memory. * Lou's voice just being a bad Sylvester Stallone accent. * Jenni probably appreciating your email unless it's a bad email.

    89. Pope Hat Guy Covers You With A Towel

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 5, 2021 66:16

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Nathan * * Chris * Topics: * Are mysteries actually better when you know who dun it? * Renting apartments that come with weird artifacts * Monster Island was a play-by-mail MMO written in QuickBasic that ran from 1989 to 2017. * * * No Tengo Dinero by Righeira * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Procrastinating because if I do anything I'll feel like I have to do everything Microtopics: * The symmetry of USB-C. * The edibility of USB-C. * The months-long argument at Nintendo over which version of the Flag Gordon song to play when you plug USB-C headphones into the charging port. * Which version of the Flash Gordon theme is more likely to get you pulled over for speeding. * Columbo. * Whether a mystery story functions as both a good story and a good puzzle. * Revealing the identity of the murderer in the first ten minutes of every episode of your murder mystery series. * The inherent mystery provided by the horror genre's willingness to deliver the bad ending. * Murder mysteries that are mysteries to the characters but not the audience. * Whether it can still be a horror movie if the audience understands the rules. * Knives Out. * Enjoying a story twice because there is pleasure in seeing a well-constructed story play out. * Mental air conditioning. * Watching a movie before you watch it, so you know what's going to happen. * A huge wooden ankh in the bushes right outside your front door. * Renting a furnished apartment and it comes with a painting called "Bad Pope Hat Guy" right above your bed. * Covering the painting of Lucius the Bad Pope with a towel before going to sleep on the bed underneath the painting and waking up with the towel covering your head and realizing Lucius the Bad Pope just covered you with a towel. * Finding a knob of unknown purpose sticking out of the wall and deciding to pull it as hard as you can. * Fold-out wall stools. * A porcelain hand that came with the apartment. * Storing your porcelain hand in the toilet tank. * Everyone having that one friend who owns a jar of mercury and does the party trick where they float a penny on top of the mercury. * Your new girlfriend getting upset that you own a jar of mercury so you leave it in the common area of your apartment building and the next day it's gone. * Whether your jar of mercury contains any of the atoms of mercury that Hitler breathed. * Playing an MMO by mail. * How many frames per second a play by mail game runs at * Yelling "hey!" into the abyss. * Non-player monsters. * Crossing the Crystal Hills barrier. * Issuing weekly patches into your Netflix original movie until none of the original story or actors remain. * Checking the patch notes before you watch version 2.4 of your favorite movie. * Where to put the new material when you add to your branching path story. * Inventing the t-remover so you can patch a movie starring Brad Pitt to instead star Brad Pit. * Whether a music video is hand animated or early CG. * Video Toaster. * A 3D animated prism that's actually a 2D animation cel that someone is rotating by hand. * The significance of the orange ball with sevens coming out. * Inventing the circuit board to be the background in your cool music video and then realizing you can use it to design electronics. * One tiny tank having to bear witness and the other tiny tank refusing to. * The same music video being the origin of circuit boards, Macromedia Flash, and the Toejam and Earl loading screens. * Basing your squad of teen crime solvers on a 90s fad like Magic Eye. * Seeing ending credits at the end of a music video and realizing you were watching a short film this whole time. * Being inspired to speak by images in front of your eyes. * Seeing a galaxy brain meme in your mind's ear. * An outline of an abbreviation. * Bragging about your photogenic memory. * Where your mind's ear lives. * Your Bluetooth headphones glitching out in a way that is both cool and nauseating. * Needing to flip a switch in your mind and having to be careful not to touch the mind mouse trap next to it. * Being productive all day and then realizing you didn't do anything fun all day. * Moving to Minneapolis and realizing just how much you own. * A two year old who draws perfect circles.

    88. The Horned Lizard's Final Defense

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 28, 2021 72:47

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tyriq * * * Ryan * * Topics: * What do animals know? Do they know things? How do we find out? * * Can we all just be adults and admit that invisibility sucks as a superpower? * Where is the machine learning startup promising to fix the concert videos where the audience claps on 1 and 3 * * Toxic by Britney Spears * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * What mundane tool/item/technology do you wish were irrelevant, and what would you replace it with? Microtopics: * Doing a perfect ollie your first time on a skateboard and then never skating again because you'll never top that. * Cooking every single dish in the human culinary encyclopedia and then starving to death because you refuse to repeat yourself. * Honor system rock paper scissors. * Making video games, one of which is called Catacomb Kids. * Naming your band one letter away from a common word so that your band is impossible to google. * An extremely austere and dour change log, like in Great Expectations. * Changing the "dragon breath" spell to "bear breath" because dragons aren't real but bears breathe fire. * A grim window into the world in which we live, dragonless and dragon breath -less. * A delicious treat for anyone who likes anise flavoring and salt. * A giant human sized licorice in a wedding gown. * Competing with nearby deer for the affections of the extremely salty licorice you're marrying. * Spendinga lot of your mental energy trying to figure out animal cognition. * Whether elephants worship the moon or in fact anything. * Dogs doing the things dogs do even if they've never been taught by another dog. * Where babies learn the things that their parents don't teach them. * Babies smiling when they see a face even though they're not happy to see you. * Baby reflexes that help parents bond with them during the time when they are hardest to love. * How to be sure that animals think and feel and have memory when we can't even be sure for other humans. * P-zombies. * A dog's mental model of the world. * The Far Side cartoon depicting a machine that translates dog barks into human speech. * Whether animals have to know stuff. * Meerkat accents. * The mantis shrimp having an innate ability to see ghosts, and learning our language to tell us that we're stepping on ghosts all the time and we're covered in ectoplasm. * A superpower that turns you invisible except for your eyes, so you're just a floating pair of eyeballs, not invisible at all, so you have to buy a pair of sunglasses to hide your eyes. * Putting two of the lamest possible superpowers together in the same married couple. * The lamest superpower that you would settle for. * The superpower of getting up when the alarm rings and not having to hit snooze even once. * The superpower of lactose tolerance. * The superpower of having practiced a lot. * Cutting a cantaloupe in half and the six of clubs is in there and the guy's like "yeah that's my card, but that cantaloupe was $9 at Whole Foods, thanks a lot." * How to convince general audiences that they should care when in the measure to clap. * Just assuming that audiences will be clapping in the wrong place so you add a single measure in 5/4 to your 4/4 composition to fix it. * Playing a concert video where the video and audio are desynchronized by exactly half a measure. * Inventing a snare drum that looks like a bass drum and vice versa, and filming a prank show where unsuspecting drummers play concerts with the inverted drum kit. * Going to fiver and asking someone to build you a drum kit that defies science and logic. * The one company that Topic Lords would accept sponsorship from. * Stopping the concert when the audience starts clapping on 1 and 3 and asking them "come on, did you spend $126 to get it wrong?" * Not finding out how low-poly these birds are until the quarter speed viewing. * Which side Britney's nails look most amazing from. * The outfit flight attendants had to wear in the 1950s, before they had the right to vote. * A flight attendant with pauldrons. * A loser with a sandwich that Britney wants to make out with in the bathroom. * Seeing someone's ass and wondering what the Blippi subreddit would think of it. * A dude who is a motorcycle. * Biketaurs. * Having the same facial expression as the motorcycle you're riding. * A sparkly Jackson Pollock that you wrap around yourself. * Stepping right in the laser. * Warning the janitor that you're turning on the office's death ladder so he's not surprised when he shows up that weekend to find 15 corpses on the floor. * A music video that is secretly the prequel to Jupiter Ascending. * Whether this hot Scandinavian guy is the same guy as the last hot Scandinavian guy. * Saving time shaving by dyeing your facial hair the same color as your skin. * Whether a stiff iron bar jabbing into your back would improve a bed or a chair. * Whether Britney Spears hallucinated the events of the Toxic video, and she's just an ordinary flight attendant. * How to fix bread closures. * Filling the moon with bread closures. * Getting a bread box so people stop having to manufacture bread closures. * How massive a bread is required to spin the bag at sufficient velocity to apply the bread closures. * Solving your headphone cord problem by never listening to audio of any kind. * Installing an ink sac in your fingernail so that you never have to look around for a pen. * A tattoo of a squid that you can squeeze to spurt ink into the eyes of your enemies, but the tattoo gets more and more faded as the ink depletes. * An awful thing that your ducks can do. * What's going on in that biome? * The horned lizard's final defense. * Dropping a tail if you need to escape. * A super ethical meat factory that spends all day terrifying the tails off of lizards. * An avocado-like spread made out of frightened lizard tail. * Nothing but adrenaline flavor in this tail. * How to live as a freelancer without being drained of all your bodily fluids.

    87. Fraudl With An Umlaut

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 21, 2021 52:56

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Sam * @SamJ314 on Twitter. * Chris * Topics: * We can't even describe spacetime because of our faulty perception of time, and how it relates to optical illusions. * Optical illusion: * Flatland: * 3 guys with non-transitive dice and a non-reproducing animal. * * * * In 2003, a judge ruled that the X-Men aren't human. * * The Hustle, Rebel's arbitration deposition: * "I have a bad case of diarrhea - Japanese learning English" * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Zuiikin' English * How concepts across languages differ but when we learn words as children we form this concept of a thing that the word represents. * Fun German words for English speakers: * Splagchnizomai * Aspie couple in the world, running our approaches with normies for evaluation with each other. * * Interesting fiction read for Aspies: The Rosie Project * Cockney rhyming slang Microtopics: * Being unable to describe time without using time words like "before" and "now" and "always" * The "media player with a scrub bar" model of space time. * Why time only moves forward and why we only perceive any instant of it at any given time. * Taking time away from spacetime and just having a frozen sculpture of an instant. * Michaelangelo's David being the most famous space-without-time. * Optical illusions as a lens into the sorts of perceptions and abilities that evolution deemed entirely unnecessary to our propagation as a species. * Spoilers for Arrival. * Whether it was physically possible for life on Earth to have developed the ability to perceive additional times and/or spaces. * Whether early humans transgressed somehow and their punishment was to wonder about everything all the goddamn time. * Whether or not we get to eat pizza after we die. * Being so annoyed by an optical illusion that you invent a machine to help you unsee it. * A non reproductive animal rolling a non-transitive die. * Mules vs. hinnies. * Mules being unable to reproduce because they're too unattractive to find a mate. * Putting lipstick on a cat's butt in order to measure what furniture the cat rubs its butt on, and the butt runs out of lipstick after two chairs. * Being too lazy to make a new line on the spreadsheet so you just append your new topic onto an existing topic. * Google alerting you to an imaginary 6.0 earthquake near Lake Tahoe. * Just sitting here waiting for the earthquake Google promised you. * Moving from New Jersey to California and discovering earthquakes. * Whether you should add 27 and 2. * The legal difference between a doll and a toy. * Having a fun time in the courtroom. * Getting your movie's rating changed by counting up the number of times female genitalia were mentioned. * Numinous dice. * A soundstage with a bench and a plant that are supposed to indicate that this scene takes place outside. * Referring to a scene transition as a wipe but everybody thinks you mean wiping your butt. * P-Low The Skillful Abbot. * Really enjoying your bad case of diarrhea. * Doing aerobics and chanting about having a bad case of diarrhea. * A classful of language learners each repping a different language on their shirts. * Different cultures discretizing the world differently. * A hypothetical culture that considers a "person" to include the hat they're wearing but not their left foot. * Whether the horseshoe is part of a horse. * Pointing at some clothes and saying "there's a person inside those clothes." * Pointing at a human head and saying "there's a person inside that skull." * Different places a person can exist within their corporeal body. * Feeling emotions in your gut because you have neurons in there. * Hanging out with dinosaurs and having to do brain surgery on their butts. * Finding out that your brain surgeon is a dinosaur and putting a post-it note on your butt saying "brain not in here." * Finding out that you are on the autism spectrum after you have your 10th concussion and aren't allowed to think hard for two years. * Wearing a bumper sticker on your forehead that says "How's my talking? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT" * Struggling to understand why someone would use words non-literally. * Feeling very refrigerator about this explanation of Cockney Rhyming Slang. * How to apply the principles of running a playtest to human conversation. * Wondering about the thing you've got rattling around in your skull. * Conversational strategies that only work when you're talking to other autistic people. * Going through life assuming everybody has had a bunch of concussions. * Putting on Frasier to take enough of your attention that you're not thinking about anything else, but also Frasier not being worth thinking about so you don't think about that either. * Whether you want this show's listeners friending you on Facebook.

    86. Dad Boy Prime And The Shadow of Grung

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 14, 2021 61:40

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Gary * * * * Brayton * Bogwater convention coming to your town soon! Topics: * Spirit Halloween's Youtube Channel * * * A drug you never want to try * This list of people's favorite mugs, and how to generalize it * * * Devo - Theme from Doctor Detroit * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * * Mechanics or features of a game that the game doesn't tell you about * Which undead would you most like to become? Lich? Ghoul? Skeleton? Ghost? Zombie? Wight? Revenant? Microtopics: * What a .tv TLD indicates. * Brayton's Bubbly Bog Water. * Airdropping incredibly earthy mineral water directly to your house. * Using the wrong musical sting. * The gas station that functions both before and after noon. * Drinking water out of a beer bong. * The algorithm providing a solid recommendation for once. * Going into Spirit Halloween and asking for something in an underfed Michael Myers. * Giving out vaseline for Halloween. * The truth according to * Whether vaseline meets FDA requirements for human consumption and whether that qualifies it as a foodstuff. * Blooming your own onions at home so you can stop going to Outback every weekend. * All the other things you could bloom with your new onion bloomer. * A good way to go into a fugue state and have something on in the background while you're doing something else. * A redditor who went missing after acquiring some Datura seeds. * A recreational drug for which the lethal dose varies significantly from person to person. * Deciding whether to join a cult based on whether you hallucinated the cult leader high fiving Aquaman or selling celebrity maps under a bridge. * The serial rooster on the box of corn flakes who's roosting every time you see him. * The rooster jumping off of the Corn Flakes box, grabbing the butcher knife, and giving you career advice. * Explaining that cocaine isn't addictive and you would know because you do it every day. * Scrolling through a Twitter thread about people's favorite mugs to see all the great mugs. * Perusing the multivarious ways a person can like a mug. * The East Berlin traffic light man. * A trivet in your grandpa's kitchen that says Joint-S.T.A.R.S. and depicts a star firing a lightning bolt at a tank, and whether your grandpa is secretly an anime villain. * A dragon clutching the world in its hands with an American flag pattern on its spread wings. * The patriotism dragon. * Our favorite mugs. * Going on Twitter to relax. * Whether a big enough knife counts as a sword. * Devo Vevo. * Dan Aykroyd speed walking while people make fun of him for the entire duration of the film. * Mark Mothersbaugh jogging in a sealed garbage bag so he can quickly lose enough weight to qualify for his intended Devo weight class. * The belt from the 1920s that jiggles you. * Recording a commentary on a Dan Aykroyd movie as part of your podcast about Binding of Isaac collectibles. * Replacing every transition wipe in Star Wars with Mark Mothersbaugh floating across the screen. * The illusion of intentionality. * A beat poet playing a bass constructed out of a bass drum * Our favorite fake lap steel guitar solos and what synthesizers they were played on. * The geniuses at having absolutely nothing to say about Devo's Theme to Doctor Detroit. * The Charmin Bear's mom's opinions on ass wiping. * A Transmissible Toilet Paper Disease That Affects Only Bears. * Rubber Krulwich. * Jogging and Pimps: the Doctor Detroit Story. * One of those Doctor Detroit marriages you always hear about. * The Curse of Doctor Detroit. * Flying out of a still frame of a hot dog. * Mark Mothersbaugh wearing an inflated bodysuit so that his silhouette matches Dan Aykroyd's when they speed walk together. * Going to the area labeled "combat zone" in hopes of finding someone to shoot. * Hiding aliens in your space game and never telling anybody about them. * Hiding a main quest in your space game and never telling anybody about it. * Getting a gamer treat for peeking into corners. * How Portal should've warned you about its unusually high fall damage on the box. * The pros and cons of being a lich. * Whether April would stick around if Jim turned into a lich. * Dying at Chuckie Cheese and being stuck there as a ghost forever. * Whether being a zombie secretly feels awesome. * The tragedy of Quake's wireheading grunts. * Dying on the subway and having to listen to buskers for eternity. * The parable of the good lich and the good billionaire.

    85. Corsets For Snakes

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 7, 2021 69:42

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alex is on the Topic Lords Discord. * Shannon is offering vaccines. Topics: * Human-led gaming over the internet (like escape rooms). How the DM is walking a line of controlling everything vs being completely controlled by the players. How to design games to be played like this over the internet. * Best and worst parts of camping. * Shutting off the PC speaker as a service. * Call Me By Your Name. * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Is "The Birds" the first genre zombie film? Microtopics: * Safe and effective vaccines. * The difference between spring rolls and egg rolls. * Teleconferencing an escape room. * All of the items that came out of this drawer. * A room escape game set in outer space where the players on separate ships communicate via semaphore flags. * Running a massively multiplayer tabletop campaign and inventing the middle manager dungeon master. * How Room Escape games have adapted to the pandemic. * Going camping and wondering "Why are we in the woods? Why are we not in our cozy warm house?" * The novelty of not having your luxuries. * Being imprisoned on a cruise ship and only then deigning to be entertained by cruise ship entertainments. * Enjoying a bonfire because the woods doesn't have Netflix. * The novelty of sitting outside in the dark. * Camping as a simulacrum of being an ancient human. * The sound of wind through the branches. * Symphonies being largely unlistenable unless you're held captive in a nearly entirely quiet room. * The relative ease of paying attention when you're not surrounded by distractions. * The relentless temptation of pulling to refresh. * How bad the flame wars get on the fake Twitter set up just for the attendees of JoCo Cruise. * Waiting to find out whether your cruise ship will be permitted to land. * The dynamics of having a Twitter just for your dorm. * Bringing all 29 volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica because you won't have the Internet on the cruise ship. * Going to a sake bar in Japan to learn how to like booze. * The legality of throwing your drink in a kid's face if they give you sass. * Knowing it's illegal to dance on the street in Japan and deliberately adopting an exaggerated swagger whenever the police are around. * Japanese police's different standards for when white people are dancing. * Whether Japanese police have truncheons or just those flashlights with traffic cones on them. * Getting a job and trying to figure out how to be useful at it. * The PC speaker beeping long after your program has crashed. * Writing a program in the machine language debugger because Windows 98 still comes with programming tools. * A kid swinging over pits. * Commander Keen in: Invasion of the Vorticons. * Back when it was a big deal for the PC to run a game that looked like a NES game. * Eventually realizing that the game you're playing where the cat chases the mouse is actually just a screen saver. * Not being able to convince your dad to buy a CD-ROM drive for the family PC but luckily the N64 uses cartridge technology. * Visiting your friends who own an N64 and playing Mario Kart and Goldeneye and then going home and saying "this is the real shit, check out Pac Man 2." * Being informed that you are in for a treat. * Clouds giving the sun a big hug. * The influence of Spongebob Squarepants on the music video for "Call Me By Your Name" by Lil Nas X. * A snake turning into a cone head. * A very slow jog. * Your under-eye makeup really bringing out your scales. * Corsets for snakes. * Mini-Marge with a smaller version of the same hair. * The denim police taking you to denim jail for fashion crimes. * Wearing clothing with your name on it. * Sequence breaking the endless staircase in Mario 64 by giving the stairs a lapdance. * Nearly having descended the entire stripper pole. * The core strength required to give Satan an extremely slow lap dance. * An extremely entertaining sequence of images. * Exquisitely crafted metaphor that you'll miss entirely if you never look at it. * What zombies were before George Romero invented the modern zombie. * The concept of a zombie as a horde of cannibals. * The fresh ideas that Night of the Living Dead brought to the The Birds genre. * Giving Lovebirds the side-eye. * Night of the Living Dead being progressive regarding its black protagonist but not its woman protagonist.

    84. Whirling Away Into The Unhearable

    Play Episode Listen Later May 31, 2021 66:40

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Erica * @YerrikTRB on Twitter * Erica plugs Kitchen! The Musical, and also Micah’s books: * Micah * @micahwrites on Twitter * Micah plugs Bermudez Triangle, “Chilling Tales for Dark Nights” Topics: * In praise of bad hidden object games * HOPAs, or Hidden Object Puzzle Adventures, made by studios in Hong Kong and Eastern Europe: * * * * * HOPA Let’s Plays: * Better designs for the human body * Modularity: * CRISPR: * When you say "excuse me" you're asking forgiveness for doing something rude, such as burping. When you say "excuse me" as a demand that someone move out of the way because you're impatient to get past, the demand is itself the rude thing, so you should have to say it twice. * Brood X: * Palo Verde beetles * * * Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches: * Beastie Boys - Sabotage * * * Deodar Cedars: * Ryan Reynolds and the Deadpool Cinematic Universe * Watching Shakespeare * The Hollow Crown: * Henry V: * Falstaff, who is actually more in Henry IV than Henry V: * Hamlet in the original Klingon: * Richard II (the one that precedes Henry IV) Microtopics: * Kitchen! The Musical. * Inviting the general public to write the musical that exists only in your head. * Introducing the guest who is bad at introducing himself. * Running a white-hat ARG on company servers to research and understand the employees you fired for running an ARG on company servers. * In praise of terrible games. * Procedurally-generated hidden object games. * Organizing your life in a video game when you can't organize shit in real life. * Where the Hidden Object Puzzle Adventure fan communities are congregating online. * Using the block button on the pile of dishes in the sink. * Asking the manliest gamers to play feminine-coded video games and discovering if they become less manly. * Ladies who want to wear big dresses to be fancy ballroom ladies. * Gamers who don't congregate online but instead enjoy video games by themselves. * Where the Russian developers who make games for American women congregate online. * Clicking on something to make it go away. * Improving humans by adding components vs. by replacing components. * The legality of inventing a new organism by adding or deleting genes. * The Modular Human. * Plants undergoing full genome duplication. * The Diploid Human. * Using your hundred tongues to speak a hundred languages at once. * The one line you remember from "Kitchen! The Musical" * Saying "excuse me" in a higher and higher pitched voice until you're only saying "excuse me" to dogs and bats. * Running an errand in Tucson and incidentally removing horrifying beetles from multiple strangers’ hair. * True bugs and untrue bugs. * True bugs, with piercing and sucking mouthparts. * A reimagining of the insect phylum that includes small dogs and especially annoying children. * Hissing cockroaches that repeat what they hear like a parrot, so when you walk through the forest all you hear is a chorus of raspy voices saying "agh, get it off of me!" * Brood X, scheduled for this summer! * Brood X: Brood In Space. * OS X: OS In Space. * Which is worse, piercing and sucking mouthparts or sawing and sucking mouthparts? * What color of flashing lights civilians are allowed to use. * Pretending to be police. * The invasive plant species that the Sabotage music video is trying to highlight. * Hypothetical potted plants in the background of Powerman 5000's When Worlds Collide. * Being sentenced to community service and filling your rap punk band's trailer with fresh vegetables. * Nick Cave throwing a chair. * A poolside interrogation to find out if someone has a waterproof phone before you push them into a pool. * A cloth dummy falling off of a bridge. * Whether that cloth dummy had a cloth family. * Whether 1970s porn stars styled themselves after 1970s cops, or vice versa. * Popeye the Sailor Moon. * Everybody at the party dressing up as sexy cops and handing the real police a beer when they show up at the door. * Accidentally bringing up sexy cops every time you're on the show. * Chill dudes in short ties. * Taking a picture of a tree out of your moving car and asking a botanist to identify a blurry mess. * A boss who thinks your name is Marcia. * Meeting somebody with overlapping energies. * Total freedom from all societal expectations. * Setting up a movie streaming service that only streams one movie to promote your new phone company. * Buying every copy you can find of your first movie. * Watching multiple sets of people trapped in the same reality where they play out the same dramas and say the same lines over and over. * The one time Shakespeare wrote a stage direction. * Every time Shakespeare has been adapted into a movie. * Who even likes Falstaff. * The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Abridged. * Re-subtitling your movie using lines from Shakespeare. * The origin of Klingons as Shakespeare characters.

    83. The Wide World Of Pores

    Play Episode Listen Later May 24, 2021 61:52

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Stevie * * Avery might be on Spotify. Topics: * BREAKING NON MAMMALIAN MILK NEWS: the Arapaima, the largest freshwater fish, feeds its young with a milky white substance that has a hormone found in mammal milk. * Boats * * * * Angle Grinder Man * * * The Safety Dance, by Men Without Hats * * Unedited (syncable) commentary segment: * Music generated by food * * Ron Gallagher, who toured small clubs doing his famous brother's act, eventually resulting in a lawsuit and the estrangement of Leo Gallaher (the famous Gallagher) from his family Microtopics: * The miracle of life on this very special episode of Topic Lords. * Fish milk. * The pigeon milk t-shirt. * Fish lactating out of their heads so the baby fish can swim through the milk cloud to improve their complexion. * Photos of proud fishermen holding fish bigger than they are and drinking milk off of their heads. * The top ten pores. * The defensive pores millipedes use to shoot itchy silk at you like silly string. * How if arachnids couldn't eat they'd die and how that's awesome actually. * Solid state arachnids. * The velvet worm. * Painting so many enormous millipedes that your boyfriend goes to the pet shop to get you an enormous millipede to draw from life and he comes back with no millipedes but he does smell like almonds for a week. * Creating a listener survey to see how many listeners made it past the topic about fish milk. * Not naming the RRS Sir David Attenborough but throwing a bone to the internet by naming its little buddy boat that pops out Boaty McBoatface. * Whether they're actually called pilots. * Losing a whole boatload of rubber duckies so to this day rubber duckies are washing ashore along with disarticulated left feet. * A Twitter bot that just says hello and goodbye to boats entering and leaving the San Francisco Bay. * Tweeting at a boat to say "you're killin' it out there, boat" and being immediately suspended by moderation bots. * Thousands of boat watchers in dinghies all over the ocean watching boat movement through binoculars and sending updates to via carrier pigeon. * Birds that are constantly changing their names. * How slough and slough are actually two different words. * The rest of the boat. * How snowplows get their names in Scotland. * The top eight snowplow names in Minnesota. * All the plow names that didn't make the cut. * Plugging a hair dryer into the cigarette lighter and attaching it to your front bumper to melt the ice as you drive. * A cop writing you a fix it ticket because your hair dryer cables are too tangled. * Superheroes who make house calls. * The police being completely unable to apprehend Angle Grinder man when his phone number and web site are totally public. * Construction Luigi. * Angle Grinder man and Wheel Clamp man both having the same publicity shot of doing a split and grinding the concrete. * A mob of masked superheroes descending on you and beating you up while you try to drink a smoothie. * Extreme Elvis. * A superhero named Bear Man whose superpower is that he only eats salmon. * Pouring one out for the Petoskey Batman. * Trying to think of how The Safety Dance goes but all you can think of is the Humpty Dance. * Getting a taste of Youtube's time-stretching algorithm and spitting it right back out. * Really enjoying the tall grass. * How to tell if somebody is running, frolicking or fleeing. * An excellent prop stone wall with a bunch of old looking rocks. * Extreme expressions of joy bursting with love as you walk through town screaming at everyone. * Continuously jumping and smiling and not being sure which will tire you out first. * S for safety. * Putting a lute in the music video when there's no lute in the song. * A split second of trenchant-seeming serious political commentary at the very end of this lighthearted music video. * Chumbawumba turning out to be serious political artists. * Going to to find out what The Safety Dance is really about. * Claiming that The Safety Dance is not a nuclear protest song per se even though you don't really know what "per se" means. * Drum hits triggered by popcorn pooping. * The popcorn vessel. * How all music is food-based if you think about it. * How humans have been singing since they had mouths. * Using popcorn as both a source of entropy and a tasty snack. * Tracking down the source of experimental saxophone music in the subway so you can give them money and it turns out to be a squeaky belt in the escalator. * The vegetable orchestra. * Powering your synth rock band using a bank of potatoes. * How potato-covered audio cables don't sound better than regular audio cables even though they are more delicious. * The Gallagher Prime story. * The Greek Tragedy of the Gallagher Bros. * Hashtag let Leo work. * Gallagher and Alf both being popular before we discovered what entertainment was. * All the paperwork you need to fill out to put music on Spotify.

    82. Breadless French Toast a la Dig Dug

    Play Episode Listen Later May 17, 2021 59:29

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * @hallie_9000 * Chris will find you. Topics: * The Pokemon Sylveon is supposed to be cute but it freaks me out and let me tell you why * Savory french toast. * Remember briefcases? People would just bring paperwork home with them. To work more, at home, for free. Fucked up, if you think about it. * Everytime we touch Detective Pikachu * * * The ethics of making a robot daughter * * * * Microtopics: * Whether it's possible to do Soupertasters remotely. * What show this even is. * Never watching the best episode of a show because if you do the rest will be worse than that. * A game where you explore a tavern and then the game ends. * History littered with the corpses of couch-co-op-only games. * A hypothetical podcast about the dark history of cribbage. * The best vertically scrolling shooter set on British colonial Mars. * Adding faeries to rebalance the meta which has been overrun by dragons. * A little quadruped with features. * Ribbon-like feelers that make you drop your guard. * OG European fairies who steal children and leave rusty nails in their place. * A cute fairy dog that will fuck your shit up when you're not looking vibe. * The mortifying ordeal of realizing that all the Pokemon who look like they're wearing clothes? That's actually their skin. * A Syveon swinging around Viridian City like Spider-Man, eating birds and avoiding cold iron. * Turkey-flavored bread. * Making a Monte Cristo with savory French toast. * A sweet omelette with a lot more bread than egg. * Breadless French toast. * Omelette a la Dig Dug. * Filling crepes. * Using eggs as glue for putting a bunch of yummies together. * Lobster burritos. * What briefcases are for. * A game where you've got a corgi and you've gotta get her somewhere to do stuff. * Bringing a knife to a briefcase fight. * Using briefcases to store underwear. * Whether you want to sit in the briefcase or boxercase section. * Asking president Clinton "boxers or briefs?" on a live Q&A. * An adorable chonky Pikachu. * Detective Pikachu turning out way better than it had any right to be. * Two and a half hours of Pikachu jazzercising. * Whether Pikachu is made of shiny plastic like in Pokemon Go or is furry like a mouse like in Detective Pikachu. * Hiring internet meme people to do concept art for your movie. * Pokemon MC Hammer's extremely baggy purple leg skin. * Realistic Homer Simpson and realistic Mario. * Diving straight into your uncanny valley reflex and poking it with a stick. * Doing an image search for "realistic Mr. Mime" and regretting it immediately. * Psychic stigmata. * Star Trek: The Next Generation and Frankenstein's conflicting takes on whether it's a good idea to construct an artificial person. * Trying to make a robot daughter but accidently making a murder bot. * Committing your kid to Git so you can roll back when they find out about the time you spent on 4chan. * Best practices for doing AI research without committing murder all the time. * The "bunch of delicious stuff in a pan plus eggs" approach to AI research vs. the "frittata" approach to AI research. * Observing and understanding the outcome of training a neural network and writing an ordinary program to do the same thing. * Agreement. * The alternate ending of Frankenstein where Dr. Frankenstein accidentally installs a baker's hand on the monster and it goes on a baking rampage using up all the flour in town. * To what degree parents can be held responsible for what their children do. * How it's okay to disown your parents but not your children. * A chatbot with servomotors in it. * A Furby molar. * A burden too great to bear alone. * A Furby living in a hollowed out tooth filled with corks. * Waking up next to a ceramic tooth with a face every morning. * Whether MAME has Furby support. * Douglas. * A Furby with baked beans instead of skin. * A Furby with teeth in the middle and it's not okay.

    81. The Pianist-Oboist War

    Play Episode Listen Later May 10, 2021 50:01

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alexander * Amanda Topics: * The disappointment of sci-fi stories that are just reskins of stuff that happens on Earth. * My bitcoin. * * I can't decide whether I'm more annoyed that Wienerschnitzel doesn't serve schnitzel, or that they did for three months in 2017 as a gag. * Jesse asks "First encountering a song through parody." * Bad habits that adventure games teach you. Microtopics: * Shrinking your pony until it's really small. * Pulling down the console and typing +mlook. * Skyrim modding as a more convincing representation of magic than the spell system in the game itself. * A very cryptic twitter account that just posts numbers. * What @math_ebooks did to be suspended. * Wanting to land on a planet and look for Bob but a different planet gets in your way first. * Sci-fi as a safe lens for exploring our culture without getting people's defenses up. * Reverse mystery stories. * Starfish people who communicate through music. * Watching Solaris because you're really into boring sci-fi. * An alien invasion movie without the invasion. * Final Jeopardy asking you to identify the Close Encounters of the Third Kind melody from the interval names. * The fires of Musical Jeopardy. * The correlation between how tightly strung your instrument is vs. how tightly strung you are. * The Star Trek episode where the Enterprise discovers a musician planet where there's a war between the pianists and the oboists. * Edmonton, the early Bitcoin hub. * SETI@home never finding anything interesting. * Losing your Bitcoin wallet. * Buying a $40,000 coffee with Bitcoin in 2013. * Giving your college hard drive to a friend to ask them to try to find your Bitcoin wallet without first scouring it for incriminating evidence. * Deciding you no longer need a memes folder on your hard drive because you can easily find as many memes as you need on the Internet. * Dressing up as the Murder She Wrote theme song for Meme Day. * Whether the Murder She Wrote theme song is a meme. * The barbecue joint that accepts Dogecoin. * Going to Remedy Chai in Edmonton and getting a butter chicken wrap and a $40,000 chai. * Liking both hot dogs and schnitzel but hating Wienerschnitzel. * A joke that most people won't get or notice, and the people who do will be annoyed by it. * My First Book of Space. * Hating potatoes until you discover that they are delicious and then hating them even more. * Your refusal to admit that actually you like potatoes as foreshadowing to every argument you ever have on the Internet. * The Wienerschnitzel chili cheese dog burrito skipping right from marketing's brain to consumer's mouths without ever being taste-tested by anyone. * The Brain to Mouth social movement. * The culinary dimensional space of meat product folded into bread product. * A hybrid chef/engineer who has an understanding of both fast food pipelines and how to prepare a tasty meal. * Hearing every Weird Al version of a song before you hear the originals. * Mathnet. * Bible versions of pop culture songs so you can sing along to the radio without being full of sin. * The guy at Bible Camp who rewrote the lyrics of pop music to be about God, who retired back when Christianity was groovy, so the most recent pop music you're allowed to sing is from the 1970s. * It's getting cold in here, so put on all your coats. * Sherlock Hemlock. * Vincent Twice Vincent Twice. * Monty Python's popularity among Americans who are completely oblivious to what it's satirizing, so a whole generation of American nerds grew up thinking inscrutable nonsense is the pinnacle of comedy. (Which it is.) * A combination of things you usually don't see tickling your neurons in a novel way. * The scene in the Hitchhiker's Guide radio show where Douglas Adams is making fun of disco. * The missing album that the Backstreet Boys only released in Canada so they could practice being famous. * Time traveling to past and future Space Quests. * Doing ridiculous adventure game shit to get a book of matches when you could just go to a store and buy a gosh darned book of matches. * An adventure game where you can do what makes sense. * How the Infocom hard boiled detective text adventures were structured differently from traditional text adventures. * Wanting Roberta Williams to adopt you and now you've blown it. * The Seattle of Mexico. * San Francisco, The Everbrown State. * Roberta Williams tracking you down and adopting you against your will. * Luring Roberta Williams to your house with promises of trained chickens jumping through hula hoops.

    80. Xenogears Disc 3 For Smash

    Play Episode Listen Later May 3, 2021 64:32

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Styger * JP * Topics: * Comestibles as fan fiction * The most unexpected CD to be launched from the face of the Cenobite from Hellraiser 3 that launches CDs out of his face. * * I got a mandolin slicer for Christmas from someone who was afraid to use it, and I am also afraid to use it. * Ghostbusters, by Ray Parker Jr. * * Bustin'. * You Could Stop at Five or Six Stores * Jeffrey Tambor Is NOT the Guy From "Ghost" * JoJo: Trick with cigarettes. * Oldest food you've eaten. ie oldest substance or object you've consumed. * * Do pigeons love nacho cheese? * Here's an alphabetical list of every move in every Mario game, from "1,000-Fold Arms – Paper Mario: The Origami King" to "Zero Laser – Super Smash Bros. Brawl." * * A. How would you fix this list? * B. Who wants to do a podcast series where we rank them all? Microtopics: * Attack the Block. * Movies where a delineated area is involved in some kind of fight. * Lord quality: trying to keep it high. * Cooking dinner as a fusion of the cuisines of the two countries that you are about to watch play a sport. * White game designers in the 70s deciding that there isn't anything spicier than paprika in this astonishing fantasy world. * Doing some home cooking and inventing a new sandwich in the style of the McDonald's fish fillet. * The $100 cheese steak. * A chef getting famous by serving incredibly high end Big Macs to rich people. * Each bottle of Tabasco tasting uniform even though they're all composed of peppers grown in many different countries. * How to explain cenobites to Thomas Jefferson. * A transporter accident aesthetic. * Not liking the music in the club so you turn the DJ into a cenobite with a CD drive for a mouth. * Supertramp's Breakfast in America. * All known AOL installer CD-ROMs originating with the cenobite who launches CDs out of his face. * A CD that was killed by Mountain Dew. * The cenobite with a CD drive for a face launching Xenogears disc 3 at you. * Xenogears disc 3 for Super Smash Bros. * Sympathy for the developers of Xenogears and in fact of any video game. * Novelty CD shapes. * CD-ROMs cut to the size of business cards with your portfolio on them. * Destroying a slot loading CD drive by putting a small or oddly shaped CD in it. * Learning to trust yourself to be around sharp knives. * Strapping a mandolin slicer to yourself like a keytar. * A great spooky house under the freeway. * A house made of neon tubing like the ghost ship at the end of Monkey Island. * Telekinesing the furniture. * Being haunted by ghosts that are clearly just a couple dudes in t-shirts. * Getting a bunch of B-list celebrities to shout "Ghostbusters" and act scared. * Getting movie footage for your music video by pointing a video camera at the movie screen. * Finding synergies between disparate elements of pop culture. * Bleh hands. * Slimer with a dozen cocktail weenies in his craw. * Reaching a compromise that will allow Ray Parker Jr. to haunt your home in peace. * The Ghostbusters hiring spectral Ray Parker Jr. to haunt folks and drum up business. * Vincent Schiavelli's filmography. * A Ghostbusters/Columbo crossover episode. * The trick where Chevy Chase eats a cigarette. * Slimer always believing that he ate the whole thing. * Food age. * Eating extremely old cough drops. * Not being able to tell if cough drops have gone bad because they always taste like that. * Asking someone with a philosophy degree whether cough drops are a food. * Accidentally taking enough philosophy classes to qualify for a degree and someone tracks you down to hand you your philosophy degree like a subpoena. * Bog cheese. * Whether anyone has successfully eaten millennia-old frozen mammoth meat or if it all turned into black goo. * Several thousand year old tomb honey. * Unboxing and eating military rations on video. * Eating hardtack from the American civil war in 2016. * Being extremely upbeat about rancid meat. * How to tell if vacuum sealed food has botulism. * Having the vocabulary to describe all the different ways food can go bad. * Trying to buy civil war hardtack on eBay and bidding on a pile of rocks. * The most pigeon-dense place you've lived. * Taking incredible risks for a single cheeto. * Whether nacho cheese is incredibly beautiful to a tetrachromat. * Nacho cheese as a nest building materials. * Global incidence of human tetrachromacy. * Space photos recolored into the visible spectrum so humans can look at them. * Pointing a spectroscope at nacho cheese to figure out what pigeons see. * The world's tiniest superpower. * How to grow up in America without having played a bunch of Mario games. * List of soups. * Sitting at your Wizard's Desk for too long and getting Wizard's Foot. * Fan wikis taking the shape of fan patience. * Begging the wiki editors to turn this list into a normalized database table. * An exhaustive list of games in which Mario can jump. * An exhaustive list of games in which Mario can't jump. * Mario visiting San Francisco. * The Golden Gate Bridge existing in the Mario multiverse. * Japan fitting perfectly in the Super Mario Bros. 3 universe, because Japan is also a magical foreign land I've never visited. * The alternate reality where Mario Odyssey depicted world tourism in a hyper-realistic fashion. * Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 as a fictionalized depiction of an Olympics that never happened. * ESPN broadcasting CPU vs. CPU basketball matches in NBA 2K. * Linking to a web site but not encouraging people to go there.

    79. Loose Meat Krispie Treats

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 26, 2021 76:07

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * John Bettonville * * Alex Diener * Topics: * Blaseball: the Musical * * * * * * Keeping the spirit of invention alive * A couple weeks ago I made turkey burgers with shredded zucchini mixed in and it was great. Today I mixed in shredded cheese too, and now I'm convinced I could mix anything in and it'd be great. * * Miko asks "do you know about As Slow As Possible or should I put it in the Topic Bucket" * As Slow as Possible as Fast as Possible: * Indeterminacy: * Existing completely outside the school system * Peter Gray on How Our Schools Thwart Passions: * Glasses: getting them for the first time as an adult vs when you were younger Microtopics: * A modern take on Lunar Lander. * Flying a rocket ship underwater. * John Mystery's true identity. * The true identity of the investigator who uncovered John Mystery's true identity. * Blaseball: the Musical: the Deaths of Sebastian Telephone. * Whether it's okay to not be the most obsessed participant in your chosen fandom. * Take Me Out to the Blall Game. * Writing, recording and editing a musical in 72 hours. * Screaming about how Jessica Telephone looked at you. * The pros and cons of being cagey about your identity. * The ten most interesting things that happened in Blaseball this week. * Newsletters: the podcast that comes into your email. * The pros and cons of reinventing the wheel. * A non-destructive audio synthesizer that integrates into your makefile. * Writing the simplest version of a program that's exactly what you need vs. learning how to use someone else's complicated program that does all the things anyone could want. * Reinventing the wheel to learn how a wheel works. * Passing variously aggregated files back and forth between R and Python scripts. * NPM as exhibit A in the argument that maybe it's a good idea to reinvent the wheel sometimes. * Relying on a thousand strangers not breaking their NPM module so that your commercial web site can keep running. * Perpetually living in fear of the enormous arcane machine you've created. * Rice Krispie Treat Burgers. * The hidden dangers of putting diced onion in your meat loaf. * Ingredients blending into a homogenous mass. * Sweet Sundae Ramen. * Homemade fudge vs hot fudge. * A food dish that looks like something tasty. * A brown sludge at the end. * Whether this noodley carb would look more appetizing if it weren't dyed blue. * Adapting a 4chan cooking thread into a Youtube channel with MST3K style silhouettes heckling the whole time. * Shipping your symphony with instructions on how to remix it. * Indeterminacy. * Observing someone across the street when cars are passing by. * As Slow as Possible As Fast as Possible. * Basing the tempo of your performance on the wavelength of the shortest note in the piece. * Not knowing what to expect but being thoroughly satisfied by what you got. * Homeschooling vs. Unschooling. * A very positive thing for you that might not be great for other people. * Wanting to be a baker when you grow up but not knowing how to proceed because you already are a baker. * Learning by doing. * The correlation between people who like the structure of school and who people learn best by reading rather than doing. * The first person in your family to not be homeschooled. * Learning to play music because there are instruments in your house. * Growing up outside the school system and encountering the Pledge of Allegiance for the first time in your thirties. * Sending your homeschooled kids to high school so all their little personality quirks get beaten out of them by their peers. * Everyone American diagnosed with PTSD actually having PTSD twice, because they also went to middle school. * Learning how to deal with other humans once you're mature enough to have a little bit of emotional intelligence. * Embarrassment of your past self as a sign of growth. * A topic asking for the perspective of someone who is not on the podcast. * Getting glasses that make objects in your left eye look farther away than in your right eye. * Radially-oriented bifocals. * Finally achieving everyone else's normal. * Putting up with blurry vision for most of your life but wearing glasses when you hike because you want to see all the pretty leaves. * Putting on someone else's glasses as a joke but things do actually look a little bit sharper but assuming it's just an illusion. * Thinking you have normal vision until someone actually measures your corneas. * Swimming at the edges of your vision because lenses work best in the middle. * Wearing glasses that flip your vision vertically and your brain eventually learning to correct for it, and then taking the glasses off and your brain is like "oh shit it's this again!" * The thing where you put a mirror under your chin and walk around and the popcorn on the ceiling looks like the surface of the moon. * Objects shrinking every time you get new glasses. * Objectively measuring your perception by sticking a tape measure into your brain. * Writing one really excellent tweet and then hiding it behind a bunch of tweets promoting the musical you were in.

    78. Uvula Hadouken

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 19, 2021 63:39

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Laura * * Brendon * * April * Topics: * If you were locked in a Home Depot overnight with 19 other people and you wouldn’t be let out until only one person survived, and also all the lights were turned off, what would you do? * What's up with teeth. They seem designed to be tedious to brush and floss and maintain. Is this really the best version of mandible? * Help me workshop this joke: Eve/eave * Chickens turn into crocodiles * * * If you make an IRL Westworld theme park, how do you prevent having two dozen people on the same quest to have a showdown duel with the bad guy. Do you just have 24 people draw their gun and shoot the bad guy at the same time? Or is this even a problem in the first place? * New skills learned during the pandemic--what skills have you learned? Was it worth it? Microtopics: * The Skin Deep Beacon. * The voice of maintenance. * Reviewing the bucket. * Confronting the darkness within yourself at Home Depot. * Murdering your competitors on a soft pile of dog beds. * A chainsaw's efficacy as a murder weapon. * Tying a chainsaw to the top of your head to foil air assassinations. * Hot dog beds. * The bow rack at Home Depot that holds three bows with four arrows each so you can fire twelve arrows at once. * Trying to opt out of the Battle Royale. * Using night vision binoculars to observe the burglar from across your bedroom. * Buying a varmint-proof AT-AT in the hunting aisle of Home Depot. * Pushing the shelves over like dominos and killing all your Home Depot Battle Royale competitors at once. * A very specific thing that happens in shonen. * Being spirited away to this Home Depot with no warning. * Not having night vision googled so you superglue these night vision binoculars to your face. * The people horrible enough to survive the Home Depot murder game. * A Chippendale dancer removing their tearaway pants revealing their pants gun and killing everyone in the room. * Hitman always introducing himself using the same pseudonym, xXx69KillerMan. * The necessity of inventing pulling teeth. * Instead of having teeth, having a single non-sectional chomper that grows continuously like a goat horn. * A human's astounding ability to only occasionally bite their own cheeks and tongue. * Instead of having to chew, your uvula throws a hadouken, incinerating the food. * Instead of chewing, simply increasing the pressure in your mouth until the food becomes a diamond. * How Neanderthals all had perfectly straight teeth like a pop star. * Humans evolving smaller heads so they could fit through the neck of a t-shirt. * The first humans in history to regularly eat refined sugars. * The advantages of rotating your jaw 90 degrees. * Finding a partner whose nose is oriented opposite yours, so instead of tilting your face to kiss, you just breathe back and forth forever. * How humans would eat soup and sandwiches if their mouth orientation changed. * Why eaves exist. * Lowering energy bills using your cat. * A very sharp quadruped. * Figuring out how to make fun of a cat. * Misspelling your cat's name as "Eave" when the census taker comes around and your property taxes go up by millions of dollars. * Four chickens covered in colored vinyl. * Chickens walking into a jello mold. * An algorithmically created video for children. * Every permutation of every animal walking through every liquid and turning into every other animal. * The fashion trajectory of the designer of Super Monkey Ball. * Walking through the fountain portal and losing one of your beards. * Coolest video I ever seen: Adult. * Spanish Cat in the Sky. * More of the same, but this time there's a cat saying it. * The black hat cowboy wearing an additional bulletproof vest for every member of your assassination party. * Making sure there's only one serial killer at a time in your theme park. * Teaming up to hug this enormous mechanical cowboy. * The MMO version of David Fincher's The Game where twenty people show up on the rooftop at once so they have to take turns accidentally shooting their brother, having an emotional breakdown, and jumping off the roof to find their personal banquet. * Going to a series of weird interactive theater events after you move to LA. * Being diverted into a room where you swing in a wicker basket hanging from the ceiling. * Paying $30 for a bunch of weird people to wave their fingers at you and draw on you with a sharpie and lock you in a freight elevator. * Employing both kinds of maze construction materials: bedsheets and garbage bags. * Sleep No More. * Wanting to get into a hobby but not being sure how to learn to love the actual process of performing the hobby. * Access to a wider variety of flavors in your life. * Making Ants on a Log with Thai peanut sauce. * Getting children to eat celery by making it unhealthy. * Getting the quick dopamine hit of the early stages of learning a hobby, then quitting. * Taking screenshots of a web site and reading the screenshots so the web site can't pop up any more ads. * Just who is responsible for the state of web media. * Scrolling past twelve life stories to figure out how to make dinner. * Writing an angry letter to a corporation and getting a response from a minimum wage employee whose entire job is doing emotional labor to assuage angry customers. * Not knowing how to advance in an adventure game and writing to the developers to tell them their game is broken. * Goading game developers into revealing their puzzle solutions rather than calling the hint line.

    77. A Vocal Quirk Of Your Mind (For Other People)

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 12, 2021 68:14

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tyriq * * Chris * Topics: * Revisiting Game Maker after 10 years, and getting right back into it * What's your jrpg/anime vocal quirk? * Electric showers * Weval - Someday * * UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage Lists * Microtopics: * A game that has been in early access for 7,000 years. * Coming back to software you last used a decade ago and finding that it has a night theme now. * Old vs. new Game Maker. * Knowing the context a word is borrowed from and assuming more meaning carried over than actually did. * Terms that programming borrowed from philosophy, like "monad" and "blockchain." * Function-shaped functions. * Seeing people misuse a tool and trying to decide whether it'd be better to teach them how to use the tool, or make a new tool that works how they expect. * That time someone tried to port Catacomb Kids to C++ before realizing that someone had been adding features to this game for ten years. * The Dark Theme era. * Jim just happening to know how many lines of code the Frog Fractions remaster is. * How many lines of code is reasonable for an action roguelike that one person has worked on for ten years. * Measuring code complexity by zipping it and looking at the file size. * Designing the rules of a game to stop people from ruining it for themselves. * How your laugh maps to your blood type. * Deciding that when a character says "..." that means that they farted, and suddenly being able to enjoy Visual Novels. * Whether Jay Gatsby saying "old sport" all the time is the same phenomenon as Moogles always saying "kupo." * Typing in a swear word when an Animal Crossing character asks you for a new catchphrase and returning the cartridge to GameStop who will sell it to a small child and it'll end up on the local news. * Incorporating goat noises into your speech in a subtle enough way that people aren't sure if you just made a goat noise. * Everybody having their own weird noise that they made repeatedly instead of just having a face. * Deciding that your signature isn't cool enough and hiring a signature designer to help you out. * Whether "signature designer" is a real job you can make a living doing. * Designing a different unique fart for every character in your JRPG so they each have a fart that fits your personality. * Why making a fart noise with your tongue is called a "raspberry." * How nobody can tell you've got a duck call under your COVID mask until it's too late. * A showerhead plugged into a wall outlet. * Heating water as it passes through the showerhead. * Reassuring onlookers that you've been showering in an electric shower for decades and you've only been shocked a few times and you just have to not touch the metal plumbing. * Wearing rubber shoes in the shower so the electric showerhead doesn't electrocute you. * How nobody posting in the thread about electric showers has died. * Electric showers waking you up even more effectively than regular showers. * Not knowing what people want from things. * Nuclear pacemakers. * The number of nuclear pacemakers still in use today. * Your nuclear pacemaker keeping your heart beating long after the rest of you has died. * The Council of the Nuclear Hearts. * Plugging your electric shower right into your nuclear heart. * Electric flamethrowers. * Lighting your cigarette with a tiny taser. * 24 seconds of zooming in on the forest canopy. * A video which is very dense with frames. * A video which is exactly the kind of video that video codecs are be bad at encoding. * Star Turns. * A web site where people can repost your content uncredited and go viral. * A guest accidentally unplugging their headphones followed by thirty seconds of "can you hear me? I can hear you." * Standing on a floor that is painted to give you vertigo. * Buildings that are cool in this video. * Getting really excited every time you see aerial photography. * Freeways. * Starting with macro shots of urban environments and transitioning to wider shots of rural environments. * Canopy shyness. * Voronoi diagrams. * Preserving aspects of human culture that don't take the form of a physical object. * Intangible cultural heritage in need of urgent safeguarding. * Intangible culture lost in the natural process of human becomingness. * Whether history is worth knowing. * A series of Duke Nukem strategy guides collected in the Library of Congress, rebound to look like a hardcover from the 1950s. * What it takes to preserve a skill that a community of people practices over the course of their lives. * Dance notation for very constrained types of dance. * Tugging rituals. * Avalanche risk management. * Notation for bee dances. * Dance notation which is just a list of where all the ping pong balls were. * How every culture agrees that Kiki is the spiky one and Bouba is the round one. * Wine horses. * A very Western centric view of how many instruments have ever existed. * How to make the number four out of only letters.

    76. The Validity Of Converting Songs To Buildings

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 5, 2021 72:39

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords * Maxx * * * Aaron * Topics: * The TV Show Russian Doll and emotionally correct magic logic * My favorite captchas * * AI-remastered Rick Astley * * Kegel based video games and sex UI * * Death Stranding, Tenet, and responsible creativity Microtopics: * The green fuzzy stuff, and how nice it is to touch. * Moss on all sides of a tree. * Moss directionality at various latitudes. * Having a water-borne moss ball instead of a fidget spinner. * Russian Doll. * Whether there is or ought to be another season of Russian Doll. * Restarting from the same point every time you die. * Every episode of a TV series depicting the same four years of high school except the protagonist joins a different club. * The three names of Edge of Tomorrow. * All You Need is Kill: Edge of Tomorrow: Live Die Repeat. * Naming your book like an eBay auction. * Time travel between adjacent panels of a comic. * Characters in a story trying to figure out how the author's mind works. * Successfully fusing world building with a character-driven story. * Designing a game where the game rules change based on choices players make in the story. * Celebrities in Prison. * Any given playthrough of a game being consistent with itself, but not with other playthroughs. * Playing an interactive story on the Wayback Machine, where it's no longer interactive. * Running a MUD and exposing its creative tools to your players. * Matching spiral galaxies to demonstrate your humanity. * Putting pedestrians at risk by giving bad information to CAPTCHAs. * Figuring out who your CAPTCHA buddy is so that you can give the driving AI bad information together. * A CAPTCHA asking you how many instances of the letter i are in the author's name, then after you answer revealing their middle name. * A spammer caring enough to figure out your bespoke commenting system so that they can spam it. * A CAPTCHA saying "if you are human, type the word 'human' into this box" and filtering out the spam bots because they type in "spam bot" instead. * Crook things. * A phrase both too specific and too general to be useful. * Doing divination readings by writing kanji with swinging pendulums. * Using images as the source of randomness in a roguelike's daily run. * Here was a song but now it's a building. * Questioning the validity of converting songs to buildings. * Having a lot of things and needing to create names for them. * An incredible bomble. * Deleting this entire discussion and replacing it with Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. * Reacting to the gestalt of Rick Astley singing in front of a fence. * Upscaling a music video to 4k and then applying a CRT filter to make it look like it's on an old TV. * Content aware fill but for time instead of space. * Using content aware scale to make videos of hilarious cartoon people. * Lighting the underside of a bridge by reflecting a searchlight off of a pot of water. * A shadow of Rick Astley clapping his hands and his right hand just vanishes. * Finally noticing the bartender in the Rick Astley music video. * Doing a graceful dance nice that most people would wreck themselves trying without even conveying to onlookers that they're trying to dance. * Trying to dragon punch but missing the timing so Ryu just flails uselessly for a few seconds. * Flappy Bird with a kegels controller. * The portable urination games that you see people playing on the subway and wonder if they're winning. * Repeatedly firing a semiautomatic rifle by kegeling as rapidly as possible and then doing a backflip to reload. * Werewolf except you're interrogating everyone to figure out who has just eaten a spicy pepper. * Creative responsibility. * What's good and bad about walking in video games. * Winner vs. Loser. * Spamming the forward button to run. * Tapping the forward button at a certain rate or the protagonist trips and falls. * Just being a capsule and going to zero velocity when you hit a wall. * Filling your AAA hiking simulator with questionable exposition. * Hiking through the United States except it's actually Iceland. * Pressing a button to react to strong winds. * What happens when you try to make games that aren't shooting people. * Really thinking hard about what it means to walk. * Making a AAA walking simulator and breaking down your org chart into the left foot team, the right foot team, the left knee team, &c. * Hiking barefoot on an intensely beautiful mountain and not seeing any of it because you're looking at your footing. * Taking in the beauty of your environment. * Building a hill the size of a large building but painting it to look like a 20,000 foot mountain. * The difficulty of emulating a Windows 95 game. * How to install Windows 95 on a modern computer when modern computers don't have CD-ROM drives.

    75. Just Yawn It Out, Brah

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 29, 2021 69:36

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ryan * * Alicia * Topics: * How many throw pillows is too many? Does it depend on number of pillows? Size of furniture? Number of family members? Softness/firmness level? * Why are yawns considered a sign of boredom? * Art packs/music disks * * * Ville asks "Chester Bolingbroke is blogging his attempt to finish every computer RPG ever in chronological order, despite this being clearly impossible. He started at The Dungeon (1975) and is currently up to Legends of Valour: Ragged Chet (1992)." * * Do you consider listening to an audio book "reading?" What about having a book read to you by someone, live? Could we interpret radio plays or listening to a film with our eyes closed "reading?" Microtopics: * Getting good enough at English to speak in Instruction Manual. * Back before the content ocean. * A whole slew of trucks that have jobs. * Your two year old wishing you good luck by leaving a cement mixer on your desk. * A lateral career move where you decide to stop releasing games. * Occult and magic in the Greco-Roman world. * Talking the kids out of going to college. * Using Greco-Roman erotic curse tablets and binding spells to examine romantic relationships of the time period. * How nobody calls love potions "curses" any more. * Variable demand for throw pillows over the course of the day. * Needing to get more dogs because your have too many throw pillows for the number of dogs you have. * A bowling pin orientation of ten to twelve pillows that you have to clear out of the way before you can sleep. * A barricade of squish. * A wheezing Darth Vader mask. * Sleeping in an ominous dark orb next to your wife in bed and she complains that your orb is too hard and it pinches when it closes. * A lacerating throw pillow. * Opening yourself up to the soft life. * A badminton racket in your closet that you haven't used in over a decade. * Edible pillows. * Yawning whenever you see the sun. * Possible origins of the myth that yawning indicates boredom. * A yawn factory to your left. * Trying to change society in the next ten minutes. * A manatee at the zoo giving you a hard time because you yawned at their enclosure. * Oxygenating before you charge an invader. * Hippos yawning in order to fuck you up. * Getting kicked out of the zoo after yawning at the chimpanzees and the admission booth putting up a photo of your gaping mouth saying "don't let these teeth in." * What you get for challenging a peacock. * Living in a bad society and being tired all the time. * Yawning it out. * Sticking a finger in your elderly dog's mouth when they yawn because they don't have enough teeth left to bite you. * What you did with a modem before the internet was a thing. * BBS operators commissioning ANSI art to differentiate their BBS from other BBSes. * Making elaborate works of art within the constraints of IBM PC text mode. * An executable that displays procedural animations on the screen and describes the features of a BBS. * What Minnesota locals think of Bruno Mars' hats. * Minnesota not having any LAN parties but you can get a deep fried floppy disk on a stick at the state fair. * How to fool 2008-YouTube into allocating extra bandwidth to your fluorescent waffle pattern. * A logo that is shimmering so hard that it is impossible to read. * Never reading a video title because you don't want to be biased going into it. * The script you would read on the side of an obelisk on an ancient asteroid. * Whether the sci-fi story you just wrote is just Mass Effect again. * Making art for your friends. * Inventing a podcast because you need an excuse to chat with friends. * Watching your wife's phone ring and asking if she's going to do something about that. * Being on a podcast where you have to do homework. * The LAN party of podcasting. * Creating a box for your podcast so you can put a quote on it. * Legends of Valour: Ragged Chet. * Creating content in order to make friends. * Whether you can play every RPG faster than they are released. * When it's okay to feed Gremlins again. * Setting out on a quest to do something esoteric that nobody has asked for. * Whether the guy in Zelda who said "tenth enemy has the bomb" made sense in Japanese. * Whether Gremlins respect the daylight savings time changeover. * Whether leaving food out on the counter that the Gremlin later eats counts as "feeding" it. * A Bubsy 3D-style Gremlins sequel. * Abandoning the topic to just talk about Gremlins for ten minutes. * Yelling to the sky in impotent rage when an inanimate object rips one of your earbuds out. * Buying a pianist an incredibly sharp kitchen knife. * Cutting your sandwiches with a machine gun. * Getting knife proof gloves for the kitchen and then just wearing them all the time because who knows when your fancy new chef's knife will strike. * Engaging with the story and creating a construct in your imagination. * Whether it's okay to "read" a book on tape. * Calling NES cartridges "tapes" because Nintendo deliberately designed them to resemble VHS tapes. * A sci-fi video game filled with Data Prisms which have identical storage capacity and security properties to Post-It notes but are way more futuristic. * Leaving a note saying "Don't forget to get paper towels at Fred Meyer" for the post-apocalyptic scavenger exploring your kitchen. * Dying together on the toilet in a heartwarming embrace. * A framed Post-It note saying "Ryan's favorite number is 63." * Digging Jim's corpse up and squeezing him like a bagpipe into his CPAP machine to unlock Frog Fractions 3. * How at Taco Bell "supreme" means sour cream and tomatoes but at Pizza Hut "supreme" means sausage and green peppers but at the combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut it means pouring Baja Blast on your Pizzone. * Choosing your bad handle and owning it.

    74. The Beef Bar

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 22, 2021 62:51

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Avery might be on Spotify! * * Stevie is at @hryx on Twitter, and Topics: * In my home town of San Jose, CA there is a Statue of the serpent god Quetzalcoatl. It looks like a large piece of perfectly formed dog poop. Everyone calls it "the poop snake." Let's talk about bad public art. * Some paleontologists think that T-Rex used its tiny arms to help it get up after sleeping. I wish I had a pair of tiny arms to help me get up after sleeping. * Doom 1.0's proto-VR mode * John asks "Philosophical questions and concepts you independently discovered as a child regardless of how well-equipped you may or may not have been to explore them in depth." * Microtopics: * Putting your album on Spotify. * Demanding your barista debate you and call him a coward. * Reading about the philosopher who owns a coffee shop and debating them about ancient Roman tax codes for hours without buying anything. * Going into a coffee shop just to prove a point. * The hypothesis that the worse someone is at reading, the better they are at hearing and pronunciation. * Inventing a time machine so you can be in the San Jose town square when the sculptor uncovers the obsidian poop snake. * A statue of a ragdoll in a running pose with a realistic baby face superimposed on its stomach. * A bust of Jesus made out of marshmallow Peeps. * Trying to depict a half moon in 3D and ending up with a toenail clipping. * The Pumpkin Fucker. * A statue of a man being hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a babies flying biplanes. * The statue at the border of Berkeley and Oakland they put there to remind everybody that Berkeley is us and Oakland is them. * Being halfway through the Museum of Severed Body Parts when you decide you've had enough. * The Dunning Kruger effect turning out to be fake. * A strange way to find out that you have to stop being smug in this particular way. * A T-rex curled up like a kitten. * A T-rex sleeping hanging upside down like a bat. * Dino Riders. * Getting your wish for an extra pair of arms to help you get out of bed at night, but not being sure where to install them. * The purpose of Grimace's second set of arms. * Hiring a large unhappy looking purple guy to be your chain restaurant spokesperson. * Hearing that the t-rex used his tiny arms to get up after sleeping and stealing t-rex arms from the local Natural History museum so you can use them to get out of bed. * Deciding not move to the countryside and not heist any more after reading that paleontologists no longer think the t-rex uses its arms to get up from sleeping. * The movie ending when the protagonists decide to cancel the movie's production. * A topic you didn't write down. * A reference to the lord because he's the lord. * The Keck Cave. * Some people paying thousands of dollars for a VR setup when these lab mice get it for free. * Going to a mall in the early 90s and putting on a terrible VR headset that's guaranteed to make you throw up or your money back. * The two independent promises of early 90s VR, one of which came to fruition decades ago. * Connecting three monitors over an ipecac network. * Accidentally saturating the network with packets so that nobody else can use it. * A networked video game interpreting any incoming packets as a new game state regardless of their provenance. * VR coming to prominence in the 90s after the Garbage Pail Kids made puking mainstream. * The R-Zone. * A VR setup that only shows images to one eye. * The R-Zone chip tune rendition of the Daytona USA theme. * Writing a program to convert MIDI music into a monophonic square wave and just accepting its output as the best possible result. * Asking your parents for Marble Madness and they buy you the Tiger Electronics version of Marble Madness. * A d-pad dressed up to look like a trackball, to fool your mom. * Well-designed games that fit within the constraints of the medium. * A Game and Watch game revealing its final boss by unlocking the hinge that lets you fold the LCD screen together like a Mad Fold-In. * Barcode Battler. * A slot to swipe cards. * Trying to find the best barcode to swipe to create the swolest Barcode Battler. * Doctoring barcodes with a sharpie by making the Beef Bar thicker. * Learning to read barcodes by sight. * Bleeping out a story with the R-Zone Daytona USA theme if it turns out you've already heard the story before. * Convincing a barista to sign up for your Bitcoin wallet software so you can pay for your coffee in Bitcoin. * Putting up QR codes of your coffee shop's menu all around the city so curious people can scan your QR code and be like "oh, luckily I was looking for a coffee shop, I wonder if this one is nearby." * Tattooing a QR code of your coffee menu on your arm. * Inventing the philosophical concept of the toothbrush and thinking "nah, that'd never work." * Staring at the bathroom tiles while you invent the Pythagorean Theorem. * Independently inventing the philosophical concept of Alf. * Alf's real name in the Alf lore. * Seeing Alf mourn the destruction of his home planet and realizing that one day everyone you know will die. * A real rip-the-bandaid-off approach to introducing the concept of mortality. * Alf Clausen, the composer of the ALF theme song.

    73. 100 Free Pulls For Your Left Kidney

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 15, 2021 71:02

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Max * * * Ryan * Topics: * What do you think is behind the human fascination with miniature things? * What are things people assume about you, based on your profession, look, or general vibe, that are always untrue? * How to fix speed runs * * Yuri asks "Games you love, but really wish you did not. Maybe even games you really don't like much, but keep playing anyway, like a terrible reality tv show you can't look away from." * Does anyone actually like Frame Interpolation? Am I the only one who always turns it off? * There seems to be a zoological consensus that hippos share a unique, communal, organized hatred of humankind for reasons that cannot be explained through typical animal behavioral reasoning. * A restaurant where all the glasses are the same size but if you order a large it gets poured out of a 55 gallon drum and if you order a small it gets filled with an eye dropper. * Microtopics: * Running a novelty Twitter account about Nonstandard McDonalds. * Grabbing every flashlight on your house to light your live TV news appearance. * Running a novelty Twitter account about the mundane business details of running a Long John Silver's. * White Castle except even stinkier somehow. * Making tiny novelty hamburgers out of gelatin and cornstarch. * Miniature things which are their normal size but are smaller than you. * Sneaking a secret, more interesting topic in after your overt one. * Elixirs in a JRPG having expiration dates so you don't end the game with 80 of them, never having used a single one. * Holding a Lego minifig in your hands and thinking "I could pop your head off any time I feel like it." * Converting inches of height to thousands of dollars per year in salary, and how that works differently for men and women. * Taking a knife edge turn into the patriarchy. * Knowing you could mash the person you're talking to like a paper bird, but reassuring them that of course you would never do that. * Mixing powders into paste and then pressing the paste into a mold. * Going down the rabbit hole on slurry-based miniature food construction. * The sad sashimi special you get at a shitty bar after work. * New shapes of ennui that you've never known as a human being. * Biting the brick of instant ramen and then washing it down with a bite of the brick of Golden Curry. * Wanting to produce high quality audio but not really caring much about the quality of audio you listen to. * Mostly playing video games on consoles that are at least ten years old. * Tech workers wanting the least internet-connected kitchen appliances available. * Growing up with hair that makes you look like you do a lot of drugs. * Getting tossed into camp dirtbag. * Trading McDonald's jokes with your novelty McDonald's account followers. * Thinking about long hamburgers every day. * A tablet you would etch your name into in ancient Egypt, on a hoagie bun. * Getting a hoagie delivered from a pizza place like some kind of maniac. * Resetting a game until you get a favorable result. * Oops All Marathon Strats. * Why Speedrun? * Speedrunning as a way to share a game you love with the audience. * The Timic Skip. * The changes Jim made to Frog Fractions: Game of the Decade Edition to make speedrunning it more fun. * Designing your game to be interesting to reverse engineer. * Tetris: The Grand Master. * Cranking the skill ceiling on every aspect of Tetris to the absolute maximum. * Stretching the rules of Tetris so much that the Tetris Company says "this has gone too far" and revokes your Tetris license. * Designing a game with the assumption of fervent frame by frame analysis by the player base. * Returning again and again to a game that doesn't respect your time. * * Gran Turismo Meets Garry's Mod. * The most satisfying car crash simulator. * Sitting in a sandbox and smashing Micro Machines together. * A soft-body physics engine that is supposed to be for gearhead nerds but that you use to crash cars into each other and giggle. * The cynicism setting in long before the dopamine cycle wears off. * Deliberately avoiding gacha games because you might start paying for spins. * Discreetly turning motion smoothing off on your parents' TV. * Screening your roommates for whether or not they like motion smoothing. * Looking at a 4k TV and not really noticing a difference. * The hypothetical audience for motion smoothing. * Whether Best Buy is your Best Bud. * Stretching a 4:3 image to cover your 16:9 TV. * The consumer paying for the chocolate company advertising on the chocolate bar. * Negotiating with the car dealership by threatening to remove the license plate frame with the dealership's name on it from your car. * The raw power of a hippopotamus. * The hippo as a reification of mother earth's desire to cleanse the earth of humanity. * Hippo Accelerationism. * Importing hippos into every continent so they can kill even more people even faster. * The fried banana stand at the San Diego Zoo. * Why toucans don't swarm and devour humans. * An abominably fat crow forging relationships left and right. * Liking someone so much that you leave a big chunk of drywall on their doorstep. * A forklift robot that can pour a beverage directly out of a 55 gallon drum. * A chemical you can pour on any part of the pizza to form a crust there. * A pizza fractal and it never stops, baby. * Walking into a Sizzler and asking for the fruit lasagna. * The buffet boom of the 80s. * Sizzler representing choice in a country about freedom of choice. * A four minute indoctrination video shown to new Sizzler employees. * The thickest glasses known to man.

    Gaseous Iron And The Hot Jupiters

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 8, 2021 52:53

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ben * * Michelle * * Topics: * Dora the Explorer and the City of Gold was a delightful surprise * We're about to land another rover on Mars and that is super way cool * Michelle: "Just clarifying that most discarded rocket stages don't end up in low-Earth orbit forever, they're designed to deorbit and burn up on atmospheric reentry. Sometimes things just go a bit awry." * Scratch-off Donkey Kong * * Ville asks "Tangential to dishwasher salmon, there are multiple coffee maker cookbooks, including a Finnish one that includes recipes like lamb and carrots in balsamic dressing, and wild mushroom risotto." * Do you want to ask me stuff about exoplanets * * Microtopics: * Growing your own mushrooms. * Aliens growing out of your mycelium. * Growing your own toxic mushrooms from murder mushroom kits. * The incredible mushroom picking season that COVID facilitated. * One of those styrofoam boxes from the fruit shop. * When a teenager says "ok boomer" to you and you're like "dude I'm thirty." * Signing up for the free trial of Amazon Prime so you can watch the live action Dora the Explorer movie. * Looking at the camera and asking the viewer "Can you say 'deadly neurotoxin?'" * Accidentally getting boxed in a crate and sent to the jungle. * A CG animated fox voiced by Benicio del Toro. * The nerd character getting beaten up in the background as the protagonist walks away. * Singing the poo song and burying your poo with the poo shovel while everybody else is fleeing from the hail of arrows. * Why Diego exists. (Because American audiences couldn't handle boys watching a show about a girl.) * How to stop Swyper from swiping. * ABC, the Australian analog of the BBC. * Percy the Perseverance Robot. * Whether it would be more exciting for the Mars Rover to land safely or explode in a fireball. * How to transfer between two different orbits. * Making a beeline for Mars. * Attaching a broom to Perseverance to sweep the dust off of Opportunity's solar panels. * Returning a soil sample from Mars. * Returning a rock sample from an asteroid. * Not being able to tell the difference between water and just a different colored dirt. * Signs of ancient microbes. * Choosing which way you want Mario to go and then scratching off a silver oval to see what happens. * Choosable Path Adventures. * ChooseCo is preparing to sue you right now. * Writing the novelization of Super Mario Bros. when all you have for reference is the instruction manual. * Fighting Fantasy and Lone Wolf. * A story from Jim's youth. * A little cardboard door that you open to see if you won a prize. * How children were so starved for entertainment in the 80s that scratch off Donkey Kong seemed cool. * Shrinking down a full size comic to fit in a cereal box so you need to read it with a microscope. * Magazines that are printed with that red/blue 3D effect that doesn't quite work. * A sponge pen with reactive ink in it that you brush against the seemingly blank page to reveal clues. * How the "Yes & Know" invisible ink puzzle books have a completely different atrocious pun for a title in Australia, "Mr. Mystery." * Knowing your parents really like you if you get a Scrooge McDuck comic. * How to find a drip coffee maker in Australia. * Going to a McDonald's in the 1980s to try out your novelty lamb and carrots in the drip coffee maker recipe, because there's nowhere else to find a drip coffee maker in Australia. * Someone giving you a drip coffee machine as a gift and you're like "what the hell am I gonna do with this" and then you remember that wild mushroom risotto coffee machine recipe. * Comparing your "no and" current guest to the guest who tried microwaving Coca Cola during the episode. * An American lady on TikTok showing you all the wrong ways to make common British food. * The best exoplanet. * Eyeball planets. * Tidally locked planets possibly being habitable at The Terminator. * Using our scientific expertise to turn the moon into an eyeball. * Detecting exoplanets via periodic dimming of stars. * A weird little ice world. * An exoplanet named "Steve" that has wronged you in some way. * Exoplanet naming conventions. * Tasking Reddit with naming all 4,300 known exoplanets. * Hundreds of hypothetical dwarf planets in the Kuiper Belt. * Taking a two year break from Twitter and feeling much better. * Rescuing greyhounds.

    There's No Chicken Nine Because Chicken Six Seven Ate Nine

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 1, 2021 67:43

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Elena * Quil Topics: * Some people put on music and then just talk over it instead of singing along?? Why * Being the only person in a movie theater/concert * A Spirograph but for your butt * Daniel asks "Legacy board games such as Pandemic Legacy or Gloomhaven." * Weird sleeping apparatuses * "House Special Live Frog in Hot Stone Pot" on the delivery menu Microtopics: * A girl who is raised as a boy in pre-revolutionary France and becomes Marie Antoinette's guard. * Turn of the millennium club music. * Finding out that Itsy Bitsy Spider has been about perseverance all this time. * Having to restrain yourself from singing along when you're at the opera. * Trying to eat dinner but you can't eat because you need to sing along to your sea shanty playlist. * Trying to eat bites of dinner during the verses because you keep having to sing along to the choruses. * Properties of sea shanties. * Having a different song for every task. * Everybody performing music before recorded music was a thing, because that was how you had music in your life. * The horrible historical handwriting that historians never show you. * Celebrating the new decade with Cats (2019) and when you walk out of the theater you're the only person in the building. * Seeing Pitch Perfect 3 at 10pm on Christmas Eve and probably ruining a bunch of theater employees plans to have a party in that empty theater. * When you're the only person in the theater, asking the projectionist to pause the movie while you go to the bathroom. * Being the last person seeing an awful live band because everyone else walked out, and realizing that if you too walk out, they'll be playing to an empty room. * A drummer and a guitarist who are both playing too loud to hear each other. * The only live performance you've ever walked out on. * Pooping in a spiral. * Nature's sharpie. * The origin of topics. * A disc that you sit on. * A combination nausea inducer and butt spirograph. * Cake icing videos. * Asking your son what his life is a commentary on. * A shark embedded in a formaldehyde solution. * Work that aggressively annoys the art community. * Ironic cocaine. * Sneaking into the museum to hang up your own work. * Taking photos of a painting and then destroying the original and then taking photos of the photos and destroying the original artist. * Modifying the rules as you play the game. * Opening up more and more of your board game every time you play, like an Advent calendar. * A board game that you learn like a video game. * Memorizing a dozen page book before you can start playing a game. * Copyrighting the concept of a legacy. * Proposing to your wife by intentionally losing a board game over and over again. * The thing you were working towards screwing you over and now you have to undo it. * Trying to think of a board game you've played more than a few times. * Really looking forward to a board game and finally getting it and deciding to just watch your friends play. * Whether it's apparati or apparatodes. * The doublet of apparat. * Wanting to be hyper correct in everything you do. * Buying a tent to go over your bed because your blackout curtains aren't cutting it. * Buying a bunch of weird pillows to compensate for the position your arms automatically get into when you sleep. * How CPAP machines all have a SIM card and phone home with your sleep behavior and there's no way to turn it off. * Nasal pillows. * Sleeping with a weird contraption blowing air into your face constantly. * Discovering that it is much easier to fall asleep when you are very tired at the end of the day. * Ranking your morningness and eveningness. * Sleeping in a hammock. * Making a nest of pillows around you. * Putting on your velcro pajamas and jumping onto the velcro wall to fall asleep. * Your velcro bed waking you up with a loud ripping sound every time you switch positions. * Time-release velcro. * Ice velcro. * Making a salt igloo at the salt flats. * A weighted blanket that is so heavy you can't get up until a crane rescues you. * Sleeping under a chainmail sheet. * A quilt made out of beanbags. * The first thing you searched for when you got on the internet. * Youtube videos about your idealized farm life. * Ordering a pet frog from your Szechuan delivery menu. * Getting Hot Pot delivered and the Pot arrives cold. * Ordering Chicken 65 because there are no other numbered items on the menu. * Not wanting to eat animals whole because there's poop in there. * Frog Fractions 65. * If Chicken 6 was so good, why isn't there a Chicken 6 5? * A Kidz Bop version of Ocean's 11.

    The Cow Tools Experience

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 22, 2021 57:21

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * James is on Twitter: * Jesse is on Twitter. Topics: * One of the last "most wanted" Nazi war criminals lives in my town. * * What's Michael?, the other cartoon fat cat * * There are several What's Michael anime series, one of them has a particularly amazing music video: * The opening of the Heathcliff Cartoon uses one of the numerous Shuki Levy 80's cartoon themes. It rhymes "jubilee" with "superiority"! * He’s Wearing The Gravy Helmet, Again : The Greatest Single Panel in Modern American Comics: * * * * In the patent for Tapper, the developers admit that it's just Space Invaders turned on its side * * "Upon an advancing patron such as the cowboy 54e in FIG. 2 receiving a filled mug 58b, the receiving patron will be moved or repelled back toward the door end of the bar a predetermined incremental distance. If the patron is moved to the boundary at the door image 52, the patron goes off screen for a predetermined time interval and then reenters the same bar at the door 52. However, if the repelled thirsty patron remains on screen, the patron will then be shown in a drinking pose 54f as in FIG. 3. When the patron, after a predetermined delay, finishes drinking the beverage, the empty mug 58c, is slid back toward the supply or keg end of the bar." * * Ice Cold Beer has an official digitization in "Zeke's Peak" * * * Shogun Assassin (1980) * Brad asks "Hummingbirds have to consume twice their body weight in a day to survive. If you had to do this, what would your strategy be?" * Realizing pop cans are 355 mL because that's 12 US fluid ounces. * The ounce is a unit of mass and the dry ounce of volume, but the pint and the dry pint are both units of volume. * * Soda vs Pop vs. Coke: Who Says What, And Where? * Plastic Recycling is an Actual Scam * How China Broke the World's Recycling * Is macaroni and cheese known outside of America? Or, if you were opening a restaurant in a foreign country, what cuisine would it be? * How Thai food took over America * What Color Is a Tennis Ball? * * Wikipedia lists these other related dishes: * * * * Microtopics: * An oddly temperate day in the park in the middle of January. * Not necessarily recognizing the war criminal who lives in your town. * Checking the box that says "I did not do the Holocaust" on the immigration form. * How it takes 50 years to deport a Nazi from Canada. * Berlin, Canada. * Getting a steak and a beer with the 110 year old who works with you at the grocery store. * Where you go if you're really young and you want to become a war criminal. * A thing that is strange but also very ordinary. * Explaining Garfield. * Heathcliff, the other other fat orange cartoon cat. * Explaining cow tools. * Tools that don't really look like anything but it's the best a cow can do. * What it means when Heathcliff wears the gravy helmet. * When an ancient comic strip gets funny again because the original artist finally retired and got replaced by a Tumblr user. * Stealing all the fish from the fish counter and the vendor can't do anything about it because you're wearing a helmet that says "fish." * Scrolling a web page and discovering how many helmets Heathcliff has. * Managing the flow of mugs in this Space Invaders clone. * The best electromechanical bar game that triggers your trypophobia. * A story-heavy RPG adaptation of an electromechanical bar game. * Playing a story heavy game and wishing the story and the game parts were separable. * How magical girl shows and JRPGs both presentationally separate story from combat. * Taking the fight scenes from a robot combat show and writing new scenes where the robots are going to high school. * Learning to fly in place. * Becoming a hummingbird and learning to do what hummingbirds do. * Consuming the densest possible foods such as lead. * Assuming that iron is the densest element because it's at the Earth's core and must have sunk there. * Searching for densest foods and Google gives you the most nutrient dense foods, which is definitively not what you asked for. * Arctic explorers bringing sleds full of frozen butter to eat. * Eating your weight in salt every day. * Whether 1 milliliter of water weighs exactly one gram everywhere, or just in that locked vault in Paris. * The Canadian hotline you can call to report bars that serve you an American pint of beer. * The metric pint. * Ounces per ounce. * Writing to Stephen Wolfram to complain about the dry ounce. * That double gotcha bar trivia question about whether an ounce of feathers is lighter than an ounce of gold. * Europeans getting confused when Americans talk about calories when they mean kilocalories. * Using more significant digits than the speaker intended when doing unit conversion. * Whether someone saying "a thousand" to mean "a lot" is one significant digit or zero. * Whether in the Bible "forty" is used colloquially to mean "a lot." * Taking a dialect quiz that tries to guess where you're from but it doesn't know about Canada so it guesses you're from the American Midwest. * Whether recycling is still a thing or in fact ever was. * Keeping people employed at a factory sorting plastic for no particular reason. * Pasta and cheese being popular all over the world. * How Canadians have Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner all the time. * The biscuit you eat! * How Pad Thai is a psyop. * Putting fish in a bucket and waiting until it becomes fish sauce. * Fear of discovering the fish flavor in fish sauce and ruining Thai food forever. * Putting fish sauce on pizza yourself because Domino's doesn't offer it as a topping. * Opening a Taco Bell in Mexico. * Asking not for whom the Baja Blasts. * A can of cream of mushroom soup inside of a Shepherd's Pie. * Another salty MSG flavored brown liquid.

    Wave-Cat Duality

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 15, 2021 65:13

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * * Jenni * * Riff and Jenni play Policenauts. Topics: * Tarot readings using meme templates * In the musical Cats, jellicle cats ascend to the Heaviside Layer & come back reborn, therefore cats are radio waves, discuss * * Original twitter thread about platonic cats: * Why the Music In Cats Is Worse Than You Thought * Disney attending your funeral * * John asks "Country Time Lemonade lent their brand name to the best lemon candy I ever had which I discovered right about the time it was discontinued" * Why are you not supposed to let a moose lick your car, is it because their tongues will get stuck, how do you stop them * Jokes as motivation to learn * Unkomario and kintamario * * * 18-Volt squatting on a coin: Microtopics: * Whether this is going to be a fun episode or if it's going to crash and burn after two minutes. * Trying to eat a watermelon in December and nature punishing you for your hubris. * A tarot deck of memes. * Describing memes in an audio medium. * Arby's. * Getting ASMR live on the podcast. * The Deck of Old Memes. * Where the horsey sauce comes out. * Your Arby's cups with a radioactive ghost. * The Loss Spread. * Literary analysis of a work of art, except it's a roguelike. * Jellicle cats. * Making noises even if you have nothing to say. * Loving Cats unironically except for the fatphobic one. * Advertisements for the stage musical Cats making it seem like Les Miserables, a show you go to to cry for three hours. * Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat. * Fantasizing that the hipster guy at the moustache wax store is your boyfriend. * Platonic forms that have been banished to earth and must prove themselves sufficiently perfect to return to the realm of ideas. * Whether pollicle is a back formation from jellicle. * Never having met a pollicle dog, nor watched a fever dream of a movie where they sing to you. * The good content that you can't keep it together through. * Reinforcing Goofy's head so that it doesn't fall into the casket when he kisses the body. * Burying you with a solar powered mp3 player so that you can hear "It's A Small World" on loop for eternity. * Hiring someone to be you from the past so they can have it out with Goofy dressed as the Ghost of Christmas Future at your funeral. * Planning the Best Funeral Ever. * Whether Disney is willing to DMCA takedown your novelty Disney funeral. * Our Cyberpunk Future being cool as heck and also unimaginably awful, like Lovecraft. * Our Cool Cyberpunk Future, where there are cool things and terrible things, and the rich people have the cool things, and you can try to steal them from them. * To what degree we got our Dystopian Cyberpunk Future because Jeff Bezos loved Neuromancer and wanted to make it happen for real. * Hiring Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash to come to your funeral and kiss you on the lips, and getting a Meme Virus that persists through your death. * Hiring Tron Guy to come to your funeral and kiss you on the list. * Refusing to let Tron Guy see Tron Legacy at your movie theater because Ernest Cline would just buy the theater immediately. * Pickle brine that tastes a lot like peppery lemonade. * The hierarchy of sour candies. * Sour candy marketing in the 90s proclaiming that "your mom hates these!" * The difference between macaroons and macarons, and whether it exists. * The difference between pies and tarts, and whether it exists. * Graham cracker crust quiche. * The same podcast episode but you keep editing new guest commentary in so that gets longer and longer. * Not letting a moose lick your car, because their tongue might get stuck. * Driving away after the moose's tongue gets stuck to your bumper and the moose flies behind you like a kite. * Driving in bemoosed roads. * Driving away when a moose tries to lick your car. * Moose seeing a car and thinking "oh good a source of salt." * The hippos of the West. * Telling your child that every animal is imaginary so they can have the magical moment of discovering the truth over and over again. * Frightening a bear away by putting moose antlers on it and showing it a mirror. * Inventing and testing sour honey live on this podcast. * The patron saint of standing on your head. * A sour honey update: it's fine. * The new sour salty honey candy, "Are They Gonna Give Me That Sour Salty Honey?" * People and learning and why they do it. * The thing about jokes. * Putting a bunch of bad programming means on the classroom wall because students will want to understand the joke. * Learning a little about many things and becoming a generalist. * The only STEM person in this anatomy and physiology class making jokes about how the kidneys are a linked list. * A meme in the sense of making your calculator say "BOOBIES" * An extremely elaborate process for making it kinda look like Mario is pooping. * Duolingo finally paying off when you can discern which Mario is pooping and which Mario has testicles. * An official Nintendo product acknowledging the schoolyard meme where it looks like Mario is pooping. * Inventing new things to do with video games. * The Green Demon. * The essence of swag. * Memes with good cinematography. * Inventing rules to apply to yourself to make video games harder. * Beating Pokemon with all Woopers. * A problematic Kojima game?! * Opting out of having an adult name.

    Unprotected Left In A Hard Vacuum

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 8, 2021 64:39

    Lords: * Mara plugs Libby. * * Derek plugs LibriVox. * * Topics: * Should we spare our children from our own game nostalgia? * Working libraries of famous people getting acquired by institutions * Winston's latest thing is that before peeing in the potty he'll find a hairball on the floor and put it in the potty so he can pee on it * John asks "In watching my 3 year old develop her own sense of comedy I have realized that comedy might actually be a kind of innate human reaction to interesting incongruity. She likes toilet humor quite a lot despite my partner and I never liking those kinds of jokes. However, I think she likes it because it's very easy for her to understand something like singing 'Happy Birthday to Poop!' whereas other subtler kinds of humor are out of her reach right now." * Toddlers who secretly compete in pro-gaming tournaments Microtopics: * Libby. * A really good way to use your public library without leaving your house. * Getting one of those hollowed out books from a Poirot novel where the vial of poison goes except you put your phone in there so people think you're reading books rather than looking at your phone. * Librivox. * Listening to some randos reading public domain books. * Square jawed scientists taking on the world and neither the government nor their frail wives can hold them back. * Trying to show your four year old Wind Waker and he's annoyed that it's not the Wind Waker remaster for Wii U. * Subtly guiding your child away from games that prey on gambling addiction. * Planning a closed environment where you can introduce the history of video games to your child in chronological order, and then realizing that that's how we got modern gamers. * How to revisit your nostalgia when it's locked inside early Macintosh educational games with bad emulation support. * Wandering isolated in a sad soundscape. * Whether World of Warcraft caused your depression or whether losing your job (because of World of Warcraft) caused your depression. * Eve Online. * Going into nullsec where there is no sec. * Forgetting about Eve Online for ten years and coming back to find that your avatar has been practicing whittling cedar this entire time and is now a grandmaster cedar whittler. * Going to turning left school for five years. * Collecting all the books in a famous author's working library so scholars can catalogue all the Cheeto fingerprints. * Studying the working library of the greatest American novelist of all time and it's just autographed copies of all the Twilight novels and the board game "Wits and Wagers." * Filling your working library with books to impress the scholars studying your life in a hundred years. * Giving your source code to the Video Game History Foundation for safe keeping. * The difficulty of preserving the history of online video games. * Whether an economy based on trading nudes can sustain your video game preservation endowment. * That time of year when Wikipedia is begging for the nudes again. * Toilet Mimics * Whether you have to pee on Cheerios or whether any cereal will do. * A man's irrepressible need to piss on a fly. * Monetizing urination. * The alternate reality where all video games are controlled by a stream of urine, and some fringe developers are making games you control with your hands, and people are like "Is that even a game? You don't even piss on it!" * Being cornered at a party by an inventor describing his idea for a toilet seat that vibrates at the brown note. * The brown note as a consent issue. * All-singing, all-dancing, all-peeing. * Calling your mom on the toilet phone so she can whistle at the frequency that makes you pee. * Two-factor authentication for pooping. * When you can't poop because your smart toilet can't connect to the wifi. * Toilet uptime. * Every child independently inventing the "happy birthday to poop" song. * Singing "happy birthday to poop" when the poop has no way to blow out the candles. * The fecal stage of the Freudian theory of child development. * The calculus of why we don't find the same joke funny again. * A gingerbread house that is an architect's nightmare. * Adults and children making jokes past each other. * Pete of the Chickens. * Four year olds who are incredibly good at Rocket League. * Swearing that you are only four years old so Epic doesn't kick you out of the Rocket League League. * How physics-driven video games are the perfect constrained environment for a child to excel in. * Whether your Rocket League skills translate to any other aspect of your life. * A four year old gamer complaining about noobs. * Saying "don't forget to like comment and subscribe" instead of "goodbye." * Being leery of playing video games because every time you touch a controller the truck video stops. * Texting your grandmother a thousand emojis. * An app that lets your four year old pretend to text his grandma a thousand emojis. * Your true self on the Fediverse. * The realest person on Mastodon.

    Immersion Blended Lasagna

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 1, 2021 68:20

    Lords: * Tim * * Nathan * * Topics: * Are there any negatives to having an easy mode that takes the player through the entire game? Should the "best ending" be locked somehow in easy mode? * Why are we drawn to art that updisturbs, depresses, or scares? (And yes, "catharsis" is a weak answer!) * How Super Mario 35 (and maybe battle royales in general) solved the worst unsolvable problem of multiplayer * John asks: "Licensing issues and content guidelines have led to a homogenized aesthetic on YouTube that leads to all produced-in-bulk videos for children having the same sound effects and music." * What's different (better or worse) about playing games with kids? Do you play games with your kids? * What sports would be more interesting with low/0 gravity? Or with higher gravity? * Tim's vegan commune cooking disaster stories Microtopics: * Shoot 1-Up. * Controlling all your spaceships at the same time. * The big thing about Galaga. * The forever scrolling timeline of new content that you're fed all the time. * The funniest Boris Vallejo painting. * Being bummed to find out that Boris Vallejo was looking at people and painting them rather than just imagining them. * Name-dropping Tom of Finland. * Staring at pink blobs all the time. * Making sure you're not wearing your good socks because they're about to be blown off. * Looping the game twice with no deaths and no bombs. * Jamestown. * Being forced to do something unpleasant to feel a sense of satisfaction when you are given what you want. * Not supporting an easy mode as well as you should have because you assumed those people could just play co-op. * Bringing in a playtester who has never used a mouse before. * Not valuing your own fake accomplishments as much because other people accomplished the same fake accomplishments more easily. * Save the Date, by Chris Cornell. * Having to wake up to play Super Hard mode. * The necessity of hand-tuning all the enemy AI in shoot em up difficulty levels. * Psychoanalyzing the entire human race at once. * People turning to media to experience strong emotions. * Whether it's easier to elicit good or bad emotions in the viewer. * The safety of seeing a horrible thing that will definitely never happen to you. * Being unusually upset by the Boston Marathon bombing because you recently ran a marathon. * Knowing that an album is going to fuck you up because it is too proximate, and choosing not to listen. * A scary movie taking months to purge from your brain. * The relief of when the demons show up. * People lining up at a party to play That Dragon Cancer. * How movies basically never hurt children. * Wanting to know what's in the box but also knowing that what's in the box will ruin your life for months. * How you lose half the time in multiplayer games. * Super Mario 35. * The various ways video games can make you feel like you're winning harder. * Taking turns feeling good at video games. * We Didn't Playtest This At All * Everybody choosing a number and everybody who chose 5 being the winner. * Trying to win at Scrabble based on style points. * Coming up with as many secondary win conditions as possible so that everybody can win even if they lost. * Choosing a safeword to indicate that it's time to switch topics. * Making all your own opulently animated scenes. * Playing games as a way to develop social relationships. * Empowering your son to express himself even though he's making a shitty Pokemon deck. * Finding non-combat activities to do with the Pokemon that are not very good at combat. * Buying SNES Classic to play games with your son and then realizing that there are more worthwhile games to play than those that merely entertain. * Games which give you value that you can take out into the world. * Wanting to show your kid the good stuff so that they can have a better life than you did. * Learning music theory by listening to Justin Bieber. * Worrying that you'll pollute your kid's natural interests with your taste in video games. * A very nice video game world for other people to explore. * Staring at people and saying "papaya" until they're like "why do you keep saying papaya" * Skateboarding in low gravity. * Full contact basketball with trampolines. * Immersion Blender Night. * Immersion blended salad. * Immersion blended vegan lasagna. * Learning the hard way that flambe does not burn off that much of the alcohol. * A gargantuan stock pot of chocolatey oatmeal that is far too salty for human consumption. * Improvising around your cooking mistakes. * Promising to talk about Paddington 2 next episode. * Going to the Giant Squid web page and checking out Tim's bio. * Barf-sealed copies of Pig Eat Ball.

    There's No One Way To Suck Glass

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 25, 2021 58:59

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Kev Zettler * * Xalavier Nelson, Jr. * Topics: * The fine art of professional wrestling * Stealing the declaration of independence to save Nicolas Cage's life * Atari 2600 Adventure's effectiveness as a port of Crowther and Woods Adventure * Larry asks "That one time Taco Bell promised every American a free taco if the Mir space station hit a taco target in the indian Ocean but it missed by an entire hemisphere." * Non-violent communication * The threshold between an object/entity being large, and SO large that your brain can no longer process it effectively and you're no longer impressed * Sucking a glass onto your face Microtopics: * Still the raddest place to play web games. * An Airport For Aliens Currently Run By Dogs. * Interacting with dogs in a whole new way. * Being clean and dirty at the same time. * Dog synergies. * The legal standing of a game downloading a random guitar tab from the internet to make a dog play guitar. * A scope creep game that ships. * Whether professional wrestling is trashy. * Audience-reactive improv theater performed by professional stunt men. * Pro wrestling jargon creeping into your * A work for marks who are smart marks and don't know when they're being worked or if they're not. * Stealing vocabulary from Victorian urchins. * Whether women's wrestling is still about macho posturing. * Meme warfare thought devices. * Muscled theatrical performers doing their dangedest * Whether GDC is ever going to happen again. * Whether GDC will be the same without Simon Carless. * Whether Lost Levels can exist without GDC bringing everyone physically together and secretly reserving the physical venue. * Every D-level game dev celebrity entering an arena and only one D-level game dev celebrity leaving. * A contract sealed in blood that is a matter of public record. * Having an hour and 45 minutes to save Nicholas Cage's life by stealing the Declaration of Independence. * Finding out that Nicholas Cage was injured in a bear fighting accident and realizing that now's your time to shine. * Finding out that isn't based on geolocation technology, it just scrapes TMZ for headlines that contain both "cage" and "bear." * Why we still have to steal the Declaration of Independence if everyone is aware of the Nicholas Cage situation. * Conspicuously walking down the street with the Declaration of Independence rolled up under your arm like a newspaper so that an urchin can snatch it away from you and you can pretend to be incensed. * Finding out what Habeas Corpus means. * Atari 2600 Adventure vs. Crowther and Woods Adventure. * Adapting a text adventure to computer system that can't render text. * Making a game where you explore until you find an ending in a context where all anyone's ever seen is games where you play for a high score. * Remakes changing the meaning of the original. * Inventing a 4D game platform to port Demon's Souls to. * Hitting a taco target in the Indian ocean. * Whether 40'x40' is a big taco or a small target for a space station. * All of America having a taco-in-the-streets party. * Dipping your girlfriend and smooching her as taco cheese falls from the sky. * Mir falling from the sky every day being a small price to pay to solve world hunger. * Taco Bell beginning to sweat as they realize the revolution is about to start. * Alternate history fiction where the branch point is that Taco Bell gave every American a free taco after Mir hit their taco target. * Non-Violent Communication. * Communicating your lived experience backed with justification and couched in empathy. * Instead of saying "you're annoying me," saying "I am annoyed because of you." * The HALT principle. * Big things making your brain go "ooh!" * Being terrified of the scale of Jupiter but the sun being like "meh" * Being terrified by an enormous mammoth but less terrified of the Earth when the Earth is bigger and closer than the mammoth. * Being unable to process the scale of a large city but eventually becoming desensitized to it. * Deciding whether to be impressed by something's size based on whether it's horizontal or vertical. * The relief and comfort of realizing that humans don't make any fricking sense. * Making New Year's Resolution of finally making sense of yourself and of the world. * Different goals emerging from the same root: hubris. * Not being able to form a seal on your face because you have a beard. * Normalizing shaving a hole in your beard sized and situated to suck a drinking glass onto your face. * Putting a drinking glass on your face in various configurations until one feels right. * A drinking glass size rooted in a human arrogance that you can appreciate but that you can't encourage. * Learning to suck a glass onto your face from the kid next to you at Applebee's.

    Love In The Time Of Beavis And Butthead

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 18, 2021 63:37

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * April * * John * * * * Topics: * Woodworking * Mentors and mentorship in general * Advent calendar dice * Scott asks "Please discuss Rax and Mr. Delicious" * * Mariko Aoki Phenomenon. The phenomenon of having to poop when entering a bookstore. Named after the woman who experienced it and brought it to wider attention. If you wish to elaborate further, what's an inexplicable condition that you've experienced and suspect is shared with some portion of the populace? Would you want it named after you? Microtopics: * Using your work name on the internet for a thing you don't want work to see. * Neither of the guests plugging Topic Lords, for the 65th time in a row. * Trying to guess the channel The Expanse used to be on. * How movies used to be teal and orange but now they're just green. * Letting all the cats into the room to purr into the microphones. * Things people expect you to be good at when you're a park ranger. * Woodworking. * Protecting your food from raccoons and turkeys. * The peace of bringing a physical object to fruition. * Making a napkin holder in middle school wood shop. * How it's ok to make fun of someone's face as long as you've never seen their face. * Building a bridge out of popsicle sticks. * Building a bridge out of sentient goo-balls. * The first sense you use to consume a meal. * How pleased everyone is with Jim's new hobby. * A knock knock joke if the punch line was playing peek-a-boo. * Eating cold pizza right out of the freezer. * Growing into a preference for being around people who aren't assholes. * Looking up to people in your field. * Only realizing that your mentors were mentors in retrospect. * A recurring topic on this show. * Knowing several librarians independent of the time you worked in the library. * Playing Zork on your uncle's laptop. * Printing your nephew's MS Paint art rather than just using your printer for taxes. * An Advent calendar except instead of being laid out in the grid the candy goes in a 25 sided die. * Forgetting about your Advent calendar after a few days and having extra candy next year. * An Advent calendar where behind each numbered door is a die with that number of faces. * Extruding a coin and inventing the three sided die. * Putting stickers in your Advent calendar instead of candy, because you hate your child. * Question asking games. * Rolling a natural 1 on your Advent calendar dice and having to throw all your presents in the garbage. * Games where even if you're bad at games you still have a chance to win. * The importance of being bored. * The growing ubiquitousness of video games. * An epidemic that demands everybody spend a full year at the DMV. * Desperately trying to change your last name before your child is born so that your names will match. * Whether gestational diabetes counts for your diabetes threepeat. * Derailing the conversation about fast food advertising with your top two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. * Mythical roast beef venue RAX. * Opening your trench coat to reveal one of those silver food domes that you lift up. * Talking about your vasectomy in an advertisement for roast beef sandwiches. * Fast food for adults advertised with Ronald McDonald holding a briefcase. * The luxury of two leaves of iceberg lettuce. * Charles Nelson Reilly, recurring guest on Match Game. * That time you wanted to watch American Gladiators and there was exactly one episode on YouTube. * Asking a kid if they know what Kumon is and they make the sad face. * The tutoring place you take your kid to if you want them to know math instead of being happy. * Whether you're allowed to have impostor syndrome about something you do professionally. * Reframing your impostor syndrome as being about how good you are at fooling people into thinking you have worth. * Getting rid of the clown. * Bringing the clown man back. * Love in the time of Beavis and Butthead. * The content that our listeners crave. * Our frothing demand to find a bathroom increases. * How bookstores and toilets smell the same in Japan. * The full body sensation you get right before you're about to do cocaine. * Training your toddler to pee at a whistle tone and then making them wet their pants on all their first dates. * The mental link between books and pooping.

    Going Out For Tacos In Germany

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 11, 2021 67:12

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * John of the Maryland Johns * Jay of Hypnospace * Topics: * When you're more interested in following news about things than the things themselves: When will the rumored The Cure albums come out? No Man's Sky updates. What is Josh Sawyer working on? * Realizing that your funny friend as a child was just repeating lines from HBO comedy specials that you weren't allowed to watch. * The Terminator 2 soundtrack and the Fairlight CMI 3 * * I couldn't find a source for the analog modeling synth running on a 60s mainframe, but I did find this example of early digital synthesis from 1961: * Fairlight is the name of a village in East Sussex, England. I could've sworn it was one of Santa's reindeer or something like that. * Kevin asks "The diminishing returns technologically with each passing console generation. For instance, NES to SNES was a massive leap, whereas you can barely distinguish ps4 games from ps5 games." * Adventures in cooking: share tales of delicious things you have made recently Microtopics: * A game about the old internet. * Figuring out who DMed John. * Doing better at a game than all the people who don't know that the game exists. * Searching things a lot when you're on the toilet. * Being more interested in news about the cure for COVID than about the cure itself. * The three rumored The Cure albums that have been teased for the past four years. * Identifying as someone who cares about video games long after you no longer have time to play video games. * The cultural event of Blaseball. * Whether you are less interested in things as you get older or if you just have less time. * Not buying a Raspberry Pi because you definitely don't have time to play with it. * Sitting two feet away from a 50 inch television and trying to get RetroArch working. * Buying a NES and SNES Classic but never actually playing the games. * Whether Bonk's Adventure is good in 2020. * Kanye West naming an album Turbo Grafx 16. * Naming your The Beatles tribute band The Beatles. * Being exposed to Monty Python primarily by your friends who constantly quote lines out of context. * Finally watching Monty Python and realizing your funny friend has never made an original joke in his life. * Friends who communicate solely in movie one liners. * Making friends with a kid who always says lines from Duke Nukem 3D and learning to say them yourself even though you've never heard of Duke Nukem. * Whether anyone actually knew what Cornholio actually was. * The abject cultural domination of Beavis and Butthead. * Whether or not the listeners will want to know what a ROMpler is. * A $60,000 industrial-strength sampler/synthesizer in your garage. * Playing naturalistic orchestral samples at unnaturally low playback speeds. * A terrifying grindy klaxon sound. * An unstoppable liquid metal monster with a jaunty soundtrack. * Supercomputers producing digital audio in not real time. * The Mellotron. * The brass hit sample used in Owner of a Lonely Heart. * Whether Fairlight the warez group has any relation to Fairlight the synthesizer company. * Emulating the crustiness of the Fairlight CMI. * Where to find all the samples that came built-in to the Fairlight CMI. * Audible frowns. * Just throwing polygons at the rasterizer. * Being clever and squeezing every last drop of performance out of the new consoles and it still doesn't look that much better. * The visual quality of a console you grew up playing being acceptable forever. * Noticing the hottest new game graphics for fifteen minutes and after that you're just playing a video game again. * How we could be up to the NES 6 or the Wii U by now. * Playing Wii Sports and not noticing or caring that the Wii can play other games. * Completely ignoring F2P games until one of your relatives turns out to be susceptible to gambling addiction. * How Nintendo spent the Breath of the Wild budget. * Shielding your eyes when you see a map because you don't want to know too much about the world. * Which Breath of the Wild HUD modes include a compass. * Stuffed mushrooms. * The only recipe that your family makes literally every Thanksgiving. * Making a tray of stuffed mushrooms where the seasoning is different on every mushroom. * A Delicious Chore. * Eggs on toast with remoulade. * The default thing you put on a sandwich. * Espresso machine eggs. * The hypothetical standalone steamer arm. * Promising to not promote anyone's Kickstarter. * What Jim will do with a sharp knife if he gets one for Christmas. * Putting a salmon in the fridge until it desiccates. * Whether scales are a kind of skin. * Knowing you really ought to eat fish. * Putting cabbage in the oven until it's melted cabbage. * Two people who are the same height but one looks taller because their legs are longer. * Dog content on this podcast. * Allowing both pronunciations of Jay's name. * Katie content on this podcast. * A baby becoming a person after basically being a potato for a while. * John's one (1) tweet.

    A Real Egg Hobbyist

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 28, 2020 65:11

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mark plugs Ravening Iron * Shirley plugs a silicone reusable popcorn maker Topics: * The trend of positive media (Great British Baking Show, etc.) * What is your favorite magic paradigm? Related: Space Wizards: What happened?? * Transitioning from being able to cook a dish to being able to cook a meal * Larry asks "Yearbooks. Do you still have them? Have you ever actually used one? Is it full of signatures and stuff like that?" * "Dude, maybe Jim can give us parenting advice" is what I just said out loud, what do you think of that, Jim? Microtopics: * Whether Ravening Iron slaps. * The life-changing silicone popcorn maker. * A cup that says "tea" on it that's filled with bourbon. * Dirty Harry except he's shooting the mishandling of evidence in the face. * Dirty Harry except instead of shooting perps in the face he takes a bath. * Watching Joker (2019) and thinking "finally, the IPs of my youth are real art now" * A slow motion replay of a lady forgetting to put ice cream back in the fridge. * Choosing the biggest burliest man you can find who is moved to tears at the drop of a hat to judge your reality show. * Being moved to tears because a jug is unexpectedly light. * A manual of non-toxic masculinity. * Men Feeling Feelings. * Collecting magic paradigms. * Staying up all night studying your book of magic and then the next day you can cast one (1) fireball. * Studying magic for years and then having spells in your head that you never cast. * All the spells in a wizard's head going off at once when the wizard dies, like that fireworks show in San Diego. * Accidentally learning the spell that will unmake reality. * Learning the magic words and swizzling a wand. * Teaching children that magic is an inherent ability that you either have or don't have. * Why there are so few space wizards. * Waking up in the middle of a night with a great story idea and in the morning you realize it's Star Wars. * Doctor Who explaining the science behind space vampires. * What if Marty McFly's photo of his brother was an actual person and his body parts started to vanish. * Battle mages carrying around notepads and calligraphy pens and battling by writing notes at each other. * Magical inscriptions all over your body rendering you invulnerable to physical harm everywhere except your face because your retail job doesn't allow face tattoos. * Recognizing Rise of the Skywalker as bad but still basically enjoying it because you just don't care that much any more. * The plot of a long running movie franchise suddenly hinging on the protagonist needing to find a bathroom when they've never been depicted as pooping even once. * Growing out of hating art. * Loving this topic. * Breakfast being easier to cook than other meals because it's okay to just make one dish and call it breakfast. * Breakfast being easier to cook than other meals because it uses a smaller set of potential ingredients. * Learning to look at a set of available ingredients and plan a meal out of them. * Learning how to cook to learn about process and flexibility. * Following a recipe but ultimately having to make the decision yourself that the food you're making is ready to be taken off the heat and served. * Skimming a recipe to get the gist and then just being able to make the thing because you know how food works. * The canonical flavor pairings of breakfast. * Figuring out your flavor profile and then your main protein and working outwards to the sides. * Learning to make scrambled eggs and realizing now you can just have scrambled eggs any time. * A Real Egg Hobbyist * Leaving behind audio logs for future civilizations. * A paint pigment made out of mummies, and more generally how every pigment is made from some different weird thing. * Every ingredient in your kitchen coming from a different weird and often horrifying animal or plant process. * Humans possibly developing larger brains because we invented cooking. * Raw food enthusiasts just enjoying digesting harder than the rest of us. * Measuring the calories in a food by making the food explode. * The millennia-long development of corn as a staple crop. * Posing with a crazy hat because your yearbook editors didn't have enough photos of Crazy Hat Day. * Falsifying the historical record. * Seeing a yearbook on a friend's bookshelf and offering to sign it. * Paying extra to get your high school yearbook pre-signed. * Seeing your parent's yearbook and realizing for the first time that they had hobbies once. * A nice kid who is always doing their best. * Seeing your high school teacher in street clothes at the grocery store and realizing that he is just a few years older than you. * How a task seems impossible until you have a strong enough incentive to do it. * The switch that flips in your brain once you have a kid where it becomes unthinkable to not have a kid or want to have a kid. * Childbirth lawyers. * Having an extra plug.

    NHS Surveillance Elves

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 21, 2020 65:15

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alex is on the Topic Lords discord. * Shannon * * Topics: * Discovered any cool new youtube channels lately? * * * * How to use ice witch powers for the good of mankind * Why do fish have up and down * Brandon asks: "Have you talked about all the video games with the word 'lords' in them? And you can change the title of the show to be Topic: Lords for that episode" * Lying to kids about Santa * If you had a big front yard with lots of fresh snow and a free afternoon, what would you build? Microtopics: * Which came first, the beer or the bread? * What Big Bread doesn't want you to know. * Accidentally setting up your Etsy store in Canada. * Selling pixel art with instructions on how to turn it into cross stitch. * A cool guy and his cool microscope. * Finding cool organisms to stream on your Twitch Plays Microscope channel. * Your grandma's room full of jars of pond scum and microscopes. * Making dinner wearing a GoPro. * Burning out on making your extremely overproduced podcast. * Getting in a knock down drag out fight on Twitter with the guy trying to convince you playing video games isn't a waste of time. * Cutting your video only when the GoPro is about to overheat. * The delight of somebody who is really excited about stuff. * Filling your house with ants and realizing you need a new house and building a new house and now you have two houses filled with ants. * You won't believe what happens next: ants. * Ruining your whole country real bad with your ice witch powers. * Using your ice witch powers for fire suppression. * Making beverages cold with your ice witch powers. * Harnessing the powers of Elsa and a Charizard to run a Stirling engine to solve the energy crisis. * Finding the Frozen lore bible to find out if Elsa can help cool superconductors. * Principles of homeopathic medicine factoring into the plot of Frozen 2. * Sating your hunger for topics. * Why fish only pitch and yaw and never roll. * Interviewing a guy named "Fish" for an article about fish but never mentioning his name once. * Countershading. * Having predators both above and below you at all times. * The boring answer to every question about evolution. * Being banned from Yellowstone for trying to fry a chicken in a geyser because you can only boil a chicken in a geyser. * Fish always swimming in the same orientation because they haven't read Ender's Game. * No Spine Don't Care. * The sh-sounding thing that looks like a capital B. * Whether you can read about the House of Lords on Mobygames. * Crusader Kings 2: Horse Lords * Making your own horse dynasty. * Thinking about an entirely different unicorn-based game from the other Lord. * Putting "re" in front of stuff to indicate a sequel. * Might of the Slither Lords. * What the Slither Lords eat and how often they use the bathroom. * Believing the lie about Santa Claus as practice for believing bigger lies later in life, such as "life has meaning." * Demonstrating to your children that authority figures will lie to you and laugh about it. * Baby's First Critical Thinking Exercise. * Santa Claus as a test run for evaluating beliefs based on the evidence rather than blindly believing what authority figures tell you. * Learning to pretend to believe in all the lies that form the foundation of society, like that you want to talk to the person next to you or that alcohol tastes good. * Not being allowed to tell dad that the Easter Bunny isn't real. * All the older kids getting to be part of perpetuating the Santa lie once they figure it out, but the youngest kid just getting to be sad. * Doing wholesome activities in a sneaky anonymous way. * Pirate Santa Works Twice As Hard. * The real joy of Christmas being that Santa will never learn your name properly. * Putting a barcode on your child's neck so Santa knows which present to give them. * A period of heightened observation of children. * All the elves working for the NHS. * Not being willing to lie to your child so you hire a Santa Lecturer to give a seminar at your house. * Whether five is a young age. * Setting up a dope haunted house that nobody can visit because there's a pandemic on. * Home Alone except instead of defending your house, you're breaking into people's houses to do nice things. * The laws of physics and the laws of man not applying to Santa but still applying to your five year old child. * The moment you need to explain criminal statutes to your five year old. * Permanently ruining your back by building snow forts in a winter wonderland. * Making igloos. * Starting to carve Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's name in the snow in front of your house during an election year and realizing you need a longer house. * Making giant ice buildings by spraying fire hoses everywhere. * Providing structural support to your ice building using ice I-beams made out of heavy water. * Making a snow maze for your tiny dog.

    Pachinko Lava Lamp

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 14, 2020 65:55

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Chris * * James * * Topics: * An adopted microwave which is too small for popcorn, begging the question: what is it for? * * What happened to Galapagos? (And recreating pinball in software.) * * * The trade-off between customer satisfaction and worker safety * John asks "Skipping over links to music when your friends post them, and in turn posting links to music without a shred of self-awareness/the mental barrier to recommending or sharing music." * Relearning how to run Microtopics: * A shoelace knot that you are amazed by. * Whether somebody knows good ways of tying knots. * Not having any ads on the show but the same shoelace knot being independently plugged by three separate guests. * Looking outside and seeing someone furtively deposit the world's smallest microwave on the sidewalk. * A microwave that is awesome until you try to put popcorn in it. * A dollhouse microwave that can microwave popcorn one kernel at a time. * The Easy Bake Microwave. * That one kid you knew whose family was rich enough that he had a microwave in his bedroom. * The Easy Bake TV which is just a light bulb that you stare into. * Downsizing your lifestyle. * Ultra-miniaturized microwaves that are just big enough for a can of Coca Cola. * Hot Coke. * Deciding to try Hot Coke after the show because your microwave is too small to fit anything bigger than a mug of Coca Cola. * A hot tub with a volume of half a cubic foot. * Whether the Whirlpool hot tub actually spins. * Recording an entire additional episode of Topic Lords after this, that only we get to hear. * Deciding that your fantasy console should be linear without knowing what linear means. * Making software last a long time by targeting an emulator. * Deciding that your entire approach to your current project is wrong and inverting its structure and then deciding to make a pinball game instead. * Having to fake the physical pinball interactions because physics engines still aren't precise enough. * Not having a ball bearing bouncing around inside of your phone. * Applying an impulse when the ball hits a collision volume. * The actual electromechanical mechanism of those triangles near the flippers that push the ball back. * A physics solver that does mixed rigid and soft body deformation. * Ordering pinball flippers online so you can measure them because you can't find specs describing their exact shape and size anywhere. * How pop bumpers work. * The ball rolling over the skirt and triggering the thrusters. * Modeling an invisible cone that drives itself down. * Buying a nice plastic skirt and an extremely high-current solenoid. * Making a functional pinball table out of cardboard. * A pinball table inside of a wine bottle. * Pinball tables all having the common constraint that they need to fit through the door. * "Hercules," the pinball table where the gimmick is that it's too big to fit through the door. * How to draw the rest of the owl. * Pinball except instead of a ball it's water. * A PSP except instead of a portable video game system it's one of those games where you squeeze water to get rings onto posts. * Christmas except every present is just a box of avocados. * Pachinko except it's an oil timer. * Physically impossible but physically accurate pinball machines. * Pachinko except there's fire everywhere and what's falling through the pins is your dead body and all your individual bones. * Getting licensed to make scrambled eggs with an espresso machine. * A Big Black Egg Gauntlet. * A big black glove that smells but doesn't look like rotten eggs. * The pressure of an egg. * Whether an egg could be held aloft by a shop vac. * The video of an egg being sucked into a bottle that google shows you when it doesn't have any good results, because you can't stay mad when you get to see an egg sucked into a bottle. * The ethics of asking your wife to take a video of cafe workers making scrambled eggs. * The violence of recommendations. * Whether or not you can get mad about your time being wasted for twenty seconds. * Doing everything in your power to like your favorite band's new album. * Your first "Hero's Journey" vs. your hundredth. * The kind of media you consume while doing other things vs. the kind you actively study. * Mentoring teenagers and exhorting that they listen to as much music as possible before they get old like you, and handing them some Linkin Park CDs. * Getting better at stuff. * Each sport having a different set of recommended vitamin supplements. * Lurching forward on your ankles. * Looking up how runners run on Youtube and immediately realizing how you can run way faster. * Getting running shoes that force you to spring around on your toes rather than landing on your heel. * Getting it but not liking it. * Studying Full Tilt. * Taking your kick scooter on the freeway. * Pre-Stormdancer problems. * Googling your own name and finding erotic short fiction starring a gay lumberjack with your name. * The sound of probably not being able to hear anything * Whether a beverage can be both hot and carbonated. * Sadness when you can't carbonate soup. * The audio signature of Coke being microwaved. * A microwave% run of Super Mario 64 where you need to turn on the microwave next to the Nintendo 64 at the exact right frame. * Honey refusing to dissolve in tea no matter how much you stir. * Putting your mug of flat microwaved Coke in the Sodastream to recarbonate it.

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 7, 2020 71:31

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Amanda * * Alexander is still a math professor Topics: * Harpsichord music in public domain for spooky chiptune soundtracks * The elements of chip music. * Shareware floppies! Remember those? * Skunny the Squirrel: Save Our Pizzas * Skunny Kart * The outlandish economic world of Neopets * * Running a Beanie Baby arbitrage empire. Microtopics: * Programming industrial robots to lift really heavy things. * Trying teach kids Python when you don't know Python, but it's okay because knowing how for loops work gets you 90% of the way there. * The consequences of buggy code when the robot is lifting a test tube vs. a car. * Whether three rotary axes mounted on a big linear slide counts as a robot or is just a fancy conveyer belt. * A failed branch on the evolutionary tree of keyboard instruments. * Having to retune your harpsichord multiple times a day if not multiple times per song. * A harpsichord jumping into organ territory. * A medieval troubador who is not playing power chords. * The Famichord. * Omitting the note that is most heavily implied by the other three notes. * Conflating Super Mario World and Link to the Past because they both use spooky harpsichord music. * The difficulty of synthesizing a piano sound. * A really slow early version of machine learning. * Conveying musical intensity when you have no volume control. * Sharpening your own crow quills to maintain your piano. * Sneaking broken harpsichords into somebody's house while they're sleeping. * Rompler rock. * Recognizing a Bach piece because once you typed it into your Commodore 128 as a PLAY statement. * A floppy disk that you bought in a grocery store when you were six. * Whether Sir Mix A Lot is actually dead or just represents a dead person in this analogy. * The internals of the Quake engine. * A C-like language with no arrays so you need to do everything with linked lists. * How long humans have been taking square roots for. * Real-time operating systems. * Putting your audio code in the same thread as your game code so the audio breaks up if you frame rate dips too low. * Sending Jim a sample of moustache man. * A pinball game that plays sound effects at significantly different rates depending on the version of the sound chip. * Buying a shareware game on a floppy disk at a grocery store for the same price as a blank floppy disk. * Playing the shareware episode of Doom and being like "I played Doom already, I don't need to pay for it." * Getting a call from your harpsichord landlord because you haven't paid your harpsichord loans and he refuses to take the harpsichord back. * Harpsichords requiring daily maintenance or they break down over the span of months. * Putting your harpsichord in a sauna to keep it moisturized. * A squirrel in ancient Rome fighting with gladiators over pizza. * A folder hidden by your mom's inability to do a recursive directory listing. * Deciding, as a culture, that the way to advance the 2D platformer as a genre is to make it as hard as possible. * Getting perforated printer paper at the library and drawing your own Prince of Persia levels. * Writing your opus with fire flowers and station wagons. * Whether or not it's cool that Mario Paint Composer graduated to twelve tones. * Back when there was a point to writing songs in different keys. * * Delving into Neopets as an outsider and seeing real life principles of economics mirrored in a distorted reflection. * Making a bad search engine for the player shops so non-competitive shops run by inexperienced players get as much shop traffic as the competitive ones, and so finding a particular item feels like a discovery rather than a given. * Exploring the outcomes of a search engine that is bad in an interesting way. * Neopets voter fraud. * Designing daily quests to keep player shop prices high. * Writing gradient descent optimized algorithms to optimize your Neopets casino strategy. * Learning to code because you want the nicest Neopets shop. * Pushing HTML5 to its limits to get a really big sparkling snowflake in the middle of your ice themed Neopets shop. * Intentionally broken search bringing back the art of gift giving in the digital age. * Intentionally not buying something for yourself so someone can give it to you for your birthday. * Winning a trophy for reading books to your Neopet. * Reading 140 of the 150 possible space themed books to your Neopet to get that Neopet on the space themed books high score table. * A nine year old running a Neopets crime syndicate. * Pre-PayPal digital currencies. * Convincing your grandma to get you a PO Box and bank account so you can run an underground Beanie Babies empire. * The minimum and maximum permitted age for legal Beanie Baby arbitrage. * Editing a magazine and asking them to pay you in online gift cards so they won't figure out you're ten years old and not a 55 year old graduate of the University of Vermont. * The responsible young scammer who takes the profits from their Beanie Baby arbitrage and uses it to pay for less than their first semester of college tuition. * Getting an insider tip that Ty is going to retire every Beanie Baby at the end of 1999 and the market is going to tank but not being able to act on it because eBay kicked you off because you're 12 years old. * Going to juvie for insider trading. * Living off of Wonder Bread for four months after you get out of your oppressive parents no-wheat household. * Asking your dad what the internet is and the next day he prints the W3 consortium HTML spec at work and comes home and hands it to you. * Meeting your best friend in college because you both learned a variant of C++ that will only compile in Microsoft's compiler. * Making your own podcast, "Ask a Harpsichord," to put all the remaining harpsichord facts that didn't fit in this episode.

    Sparkles On Top Of The Brain

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 30, 2020 73:15

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Elena is on the Topic Lords discord * Tyriq is FourbitFriday everywhere * Topics: * What's the youngest age at which you can become the kind of old person you want to be * Reborrowings: * *" * I made pork katsu for dinner and Winston pronounced it "pork costume" and I'm pretty sure that's it, that's peak dad experience and it's all downhill from here * Stephen asks "Textual dialects. Range of timbre and tools available in punctuation, capitalization, emphasis and emojis. Apparently periods come off as assertive/rude to younger folks." * The tone deafness test * Microtopics: * Whether complice is the opposite of accomplice. * Intending to clean the fridge. * A short but sweet plug that you manage to drag out of your guest. * Thinking an early access game is dead when the developer is right there in your kitchen streaming making breakfast. * Feeling too young to just go around handing out Werther's Originals. * Whether at some age all your teeth fall out or whether they just decided once, in the 1950s maybe, that it's time to pull everyone's teeth. * Whether the lady with twenty cats accrued the cats over the course of your life or just adopted twenty cats at once. * Learning to regrow your teeth so you can change your teeth style every few months, like you can your hair. * Transhuman augmentation of the teeth. * Being sure that a pop culture concept doesn't exist in Japan because you didn't see it in that one Yakuza game you played. * Sharpening your teeth to look like a cat. * The world record for most permanent transformations to look like an animal. * Whether dead people can still be the fastest person in the world. * The world record for most permanent transformations to look like something other than an animal. * How Stalking Cat decided to become a cat. * Wanting to be more like a tiger and having your ears transplanted to the top of your head. * Getting a job as a programmer to fund your body modification plans so you can be the old person you dream about being. * Running plastic tubes from the fake ears on top of your head down to the place your ears used to be. * The major themes of Stalking Cat's LiveJournal. * Seeing someone's LiveJournal post saying just "I start shooting today" and wondering if you should be worried. * Getting back to being old. * Cultivating the witchy vibe when you're not really a witch. * Not having any enormous flowing skirts any more because you moved across the country and they all caught the wind and flew out of the back of the car. * Making a skirt out of chainmail and refusing to twirl it because a four year old lives in your house. * Asking the manufacturer of your favorite towel whether they make bathrobes and they send back a one word email saying "no." * Wanting to look like a dapper old man but hating fashion norms. * Appropriating the parts of fashion that you like while subverting the idea that you're participating in the fashion hierarchy. * Wanting to eventually look like a dapper old man and starting by buying one dapper sock. * Codpieces. * Wearing full plate armor to church or to court. * Stalking Cat's profile page on * The Romans enslaving so many Slavs that Slav becomes their word for it. * All the different times that nature has evolved a tree. * Palm trees not really being trees and just being weird grass. * A plant deciding to get tall where the sun is and reinventing wood. * Languages borrowing words from other languages and then giving them back after completely changing the meaning. * Whether Italy has any Pizza Huts. * Trying to cover a song by a singer with a weird accent and discovering that you need that weird accent for the song to work and deciding if you're willing to adopt the weird accent for your cover. * English poetry that is too old. * A two year old pronouncing pork katsu as "pork costume." * Dressing your two year old in pork for Halloween like the tiny ham he is. * Really giving somebody the pork costume. * Realizing your best work is behind you when you haven't done anything notable. * An entirely sideways mouth that has fallen off your face. * Chekov's Book. * A throne but you can poop in it. * Hiding a piece of matzo somewhere in your house on Passover and eventually your house fills up with matzo. * Yelling at your coworker for only using the "slight smile" emoji because they weren't happy enough. * Image searching for the Unicode character "slight smile" and seeing a field of smiley faces that are just the classic yellow smiley, but then there's one that's this smirking douchebag. * How autocorrect ought to be able to code switch based on who you're talking to and what you're talking about. * Walking around the house and discovering that you can't use the word "okay" in the kitchen. * Putting the sparkles on top of the brain. * Trying to talk about bringing your head below something and autocorrect is like "did you mean: fucking" * Youtube's automatic captioning now censoring swear words. * Censoring swear words by replacing the word "shit" with a picture of shit. * Whether the eggplant emoji would ejaculate from the stem end or the bulb end. * Squeezing mayonnaise out of the stem end of an eggplant emoji squeeze bottle. * The tone deaf and the tone hearing. * Being surprised to meet people who can't sing at all, even though you just met someone like that a couple days ago. * Hearing a pitch and having no idea whether it's higher or lower than what you're singing. * Not letting anyone into your painting club who can't distinguish red and green. * Greyie Pie. * Applying a deuteranopic filter to a My Little Pony episode and instantly being incredibly depressed. * Not knowing the right answer but the person in your head heckling you does.

    A Rationale For Mountains

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 23, 2020 72:01

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Jonah * * Aaron * Topics: * Graffitti based arguments * Unphysical physically-motivated procedural content generation * Mandelbulb: * The inventor of "None Pizza With Left Beef" went on to create "Young Sheldon" * The 10th anniversary of None Pizza Left Beef: * Jesse asks: "Hobo code" * * Designing a game around semantic prime theory Microtopics: * A game that is not about toppling governments. * Seeing a political message spray painted on the wall and painting a reasoned response beneath it. * Going around Athens and restenciling graffiti to be more legible. * Going to the bathroom to catch up on the latest stall graffiti. * Graffiti as art versus graffiti as a forum for communication. * Seeing that there is no graffiti on the bathroom walls at your new office job and bringing a mechanical pencil to work in order to get the party started. * Sticker bombing your school with stickers saying "good source of fiber" and "for rectal use only." * The potential of industrial glues. * Waiting for a telephone pole to be covered with posters thick enough that you can carve a room out of the posters to have your band practice in. * A city on a massive hill where the hill is made of all the previous cities that were conquered in that place. * The best edible band flyer glues. * Generating Perlin noise and picking an elevation for the water level to generate your video game world. * Simulating tectonic plates to generate your video game world. * Exploring the Mandelbulb. * A rationale for mountains. * Making an apple pie from scratch and having to invent the universe, except it's not an apple pie, it's an alien planetary body. * Attempting to solve a problem with no reasonable way to validate your solution. * Doing world building but it's not just putting orcs in a mountain range inventing a way for planets to work that is not plate tectonics. * The new Frog Fractions game spoiling for all of pop culture including itself. * A photograph of a disc of plain dough with meatballs scattered loose in the box. * Hacking the Domino's garlic bread by ordering a pizza with just garlic on it. * Hatewatching your favorite sitcom. * Moving to Greece and everybody finding out that you're a nerd and being like "oh I know what your favorite show is." * Making a TV show where the whole joke is that the main character has Asperger's. * Finding Chuck Lorre's email address and writing to ask why the show is called "The Big Bang Theory." * One level of pun connoisseurship up from "what's up dog" * Ungoogleable questions such as "why is the show called 'big bang theory'" and "what is the volume of a parakeet" * Finding out the volume of a parrot via water displacement. * Emailing every combination of letters at and asking them all why the show is called "the big bang theory" and hoping that one of them is show creator Chuck Lorre. * A duck that means "free telephone" * The canonical hobo object. * Sitting around the fire with a lead mug you're drinking chili out of. * How often you need to pretend to faint. * Reading Wikipedia aloud and going "huh!" * An alternative Topic Lords podcast with train noises dubbed over it. * Recording a podcast where you read a stack trace for ten minutes and your seatmate moving to a different place on the train. * A podcast episode where the host gets carted off in handcuffs and yells "avenge me!" and hits upload with their toe. * Being arrested on live TV and your fans assuming that it's another mysterious lore drop. * The optimal minimal subset of all languages. * The 65 words that can express any human idea. * A Pinteresty soundbite of knowledge. * Deep philosophical conversations with your toddler. * A semantic substrate that is our natural world. * Persuasive systems having some fundamental level of plausibility because at some level the system has to function. * Making a career out of building persuasive systems. * Overcoming difficulty with persistence. * Telling the story of overcoming difficulty with persistence via a masocore platformer. * A couple of sentences on a sheet of paper that you then enact. * Investigating an opaque system and taking away a message. * Some Frank Lantz tweet threads. * The indie game community transitioning from focusing on game design to focusing on art design. * How juicy you should make a game. * How good the screen shake was on Rod Humble's "The Marriage." * Spreadsheets like you've never felt them before. * Cracking knuckles on the juice hose. * Eating the concept of frying something.

    Ethical Snorlax Pasture

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 16, 2020 73:11

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Laura is @lmichet on Twitter and just shipped A Monster's Expedition. * JP is @vectorpoem on Twitter. Topics: * What is the least horny sport? * Best task-tracking software. Definition of "best" here is not necessarily the one you think has the best features, but the one you used longest and with the best attitude. Which is that? * is an entire scheduling methodology, not merely the board-and-card-based task system used by various Scrum etc teams. * All comments relating to our critiques of git can be directed to * Driving around with a photo of yourself on your vehicle * Timothy Dalton's character in Hot Fuzz: (that 1-second clip captures the visual gag but not the comedic timing; good enough) * The Giant Eddie Murphy Head trailer thing was part of a promotional campaign for the 2008 movie "Meet Dave", and that one specific photo of it in highway traffic went viral. Neil Cicierega used it as the profile image for his page, and so it showed up as the album art for all non-album Lemon Demon tracks. * Stephen asks: "A fictional world, the discovery of which prompted global obsession and study which gradually allowed Tlön to bleed into and eventually replace the real world. Kind of like the internet." * Safety-proofing your house to keep a Pokemon in it, if Pokemon were real--what would this entail? Would you do it, or just give up on having a Pokemon? * An animal's cuteness being weaponized to promote its own exploitation: * You can send one print of a single film of your choosing back to 1960. What film do you choose, and why? * Ferris Bueller supplements his own bodily function noises with an E-mu Emulator II. Microtopics: * Typing in all lowercase because anyone who uses capital letters is a cop. * The Lowercase Age. * Capital letters and punctuation reflecting a certain social context. * Whether Laura has ever spoken to someone in person. * A very chill video game with cute jokes in it. * One of the better ways to enjoy life. * The eSport played by the oldest people. * Car Lords. * The hypothetical horniness of the train similar speed running scene. * Whether you can be fired from your train job in Train Simulator or is you're just shot on the spot. * The height of golf's horniness ceiling. * The horniness differential between simulated golf and real life miniature golf. * A medieval shepherd saying "caring for sheep in the Scottish Highlands is a low demand activity so I'm going to use this stick to hit rocks and eventually a sport will coalesce." * Not wanting to guess how to say "coalesce" in a Scottish accent. * Not wanting to call your coworkers at 9pm, the devil's hour. * Hiring a sensitivity reader to figure out how to respectfully create a pinup calendar of accents around the world. * A sample of Meg Ryan faking an orgasm. * "When Harry Met Sally" faked orgasm sound board. * Admiring the UI of task tracking software. * Using a text file to do task tracking. * An ignorant caveman who is working harder rather than smarter. * The miserable state of programming tools (compilers excepted) * How if GitHub had built their web site around any VCS, it would now be the dominant VCS, but it would be weird that they called it "GitHub." * Using SVN to talk to GitHub. * Game development putting the folks who can get value out of Git alongside the folks Git just makes miserable and forcing them to collaborate somehow. * Data mining your blood sugar levels over time. * Data mining your enamel pin collection. * Complaining that your wife really likes her new baby. * Having your phone number on your car so that if someone doesn't like your driving they can give you a call. * Decals on your rear window with stick figures representing every member of your family, with their social security numbers beneath them. * The parallel reality where everyone has their faces on their car and PictoChat on their DS so you can drive up to someone you recognize on the freeway and send them a drawing of a dick. * Not being willing to put a photo of yourself on your car but covering your tiny electric motorcycle with them. * A helmet with a huge depiction of your face, like you're in big head mode. * Gigantic electric skateboards with wacky shocks. * Eddie Murphy driving Eddie Murphy's giant head car. * Coopting someone's write-in to talk about manufacturing gaskets. * A question that makes you feel inadequate so you resent it. * Learning how to make gaskets because everyone who works at the gasket manufacturer needs to know how to make gaskets. * Gasket manufacturing equipment probably cutting rubber with a laser or maybe a big knife. * A chore wheel by which everyone at the company eventually does every job. * Treating all of humanity as a single organism, and not in the gross "this disadvantaged person needs to take one for the team" kind of way. * Gasket perishability. * A gasket failing and causing a terrible disaster because it was left on the front porch too long. * Having a plant product like perishability. * A piston seal pointing its piston tusks at the ground and launching itself into the air. * The fantasy of having a little animal who is in fire. * A dog or cat already being able to mess up your house pretty bad even though they don't have pyrokinetic powers. * Not being willing to give any dog you've ever met elemental magic powers. * A Problem Charmander. * The entire Pokemon universe is a hologram running on a GameBoy. * Whether you can be held legally liable for your pet Charmander burning your neighbor's house down. * Training your grass-type Pokemon to repeatedly fire solarbeam at your solar panels. * The ones who walk away from Nomekop. * The Pokemon species that became dominant and enslaved all the others. "Human human!" * Spending enough time in nature to develop a personal opinion about nature. * Journeying through the world and having fun equitable relationships with magical creatures. * The only anime that is about adults rather than teenagers. * Sending space movies back in time to feed the conspiracy theory that the moon landings were faked. * Repeatedly sending the sports almanac back in time to construct an optimal run of 20th century sports betting. * Sending a sports almanac back in time to everyone so everyone wins every sports bet. * Sending a white dude back in time so that a white dude can invent rock and roll.

    Burger Crimes

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 9, 2020 66:43

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * April is @aprilsaur on Twitter. * Freddie is @fwong on Twitter. Topics: * Burger opinions * Revisiting Breath of the Wild * Taking care of a kid for 8 hours a day is making me doubt my chronotype * Dennis asks: "Vtubers" * Micro topics: * Finally, a place for topics. * A podcast that is surprisingly not a BDSM podcast. * Being the best town for chili with spaghetti because nobody else bothered. * A very good part about a hamburger. * The potential utility of a hamburger. * Wanting each bite of a foodstuff to contain every ingredient. * The sleeping baby preventing you from going to Five Guys. * A very specific smell manufactured in New Jersey that does not trigger any kind of nostalgia at all. * Deciding to stop cooking your fries in beef tallow and needing to add a fake scent to get the old smell back. * A burger joint that is the love child of In-N-Out and Dairy Queen. * Rating hamburgers by their mouth hinge requirements. * The ideal order of ingredients in a hamburger stack. * Putting a tomato between the patty and the slice of cheese in a cheeseburger. * Burger crimes. * Becoming convinced that Democrats really ought to be armed. * Years of playing Call of Duty and Counterstrike training you for your role in the revolution. * Years of playing The Sims training you for your role in the revolution. * Whether George Washington was a gamer. * Playing Breath of the Wild long enough to see the cool opening vista and thinking "I definitely don't want to go to these mountains." * A very American Truck Simulator approach to playing an open world game. * Winching yourself out of the mud. * The experience of drawing a map in order to understand your surroundings. * Two weeks worth of photos of your TV. * Trying to distinguish whether a childhood feeling of a video game came from the game design or came from being a child. * Designing puzzles that demand the player take physical notes. * The fun of inconvenience. * Playing D&D and catching the cartography bug. * Capturing the joy of a blank piece of paper. * A game about paperwork. * The video game expanding beyond the executable file you run. * Gambling with the game's demo to change the full game's price. * What it would take to stream Breath of the Wild. * Tiny little leaf people hiding all over the world each hovering with a tiny leaf they spin like a helicopter blade. * Hestu's incredible maraca dance. * Tattooing the entire DK Rap across your back. * An attractive person remaining attractive even when wearing a goofy outfit. * Staying home to take care of your kid and not sending them to daycare during a pandemic. * Changing your sleep schedule from waking up at 11am to waking up at 7am. * Vitamin D: turns out we need it. * Being unable to sleep in even though you used to be a sleeping in champion. * Being tired because it's the end of the day. * Making dinner and becoming a puddle on whatever surface you happen to land on. * Going camping because you have a kid when you would never care enough to go camping if it was just you. * Downloading Youtube tutorials on how to split a log so you can impress your kid when you go camping. * Using digital puppetry to make an anime avatar play video games on Twitch. * Cranking out content 24/7. * Livestreamers taking a vacation and losing 20% of their viewers. * The Tupac hologram except playing Fortnite on Twitch. * Producing a CG animation TV show where all the animation is live puppeteering. * Exhuming Tupac so you can do a body scan for the hologram concert tour. * Indiana Jones except with a really tiny head. * The career prospects of Indiana Jones themed strippers.

    Stab 'Em Into Place

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 2, 2020 62:56

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Adina is @FeyTechnologist on Twitter. * Alex is @ThemsAllTook on Twitter. * Topics: * Anarcho-communism for basic bitches * How I overcame my inability to stick with a project for the long haul * * Simulating the fluidity of natural group conversations in voice chat * Stephen asks: "The Damascus steel of maze generation algorithms" * * * The hidden worlds of each person's living space * Learning every craft to become the ultimate craft wizard * Microtopics: * Fabric and circus arts. * Getting private trampoline lessons at the largest nonprofit circus in Seattle. * Being happy with an audience size that doesn't require you to moderate very much. * Forming smaller communities to take care of the people left behind by large governmental systems. * Empowering smaller communities to take care of each other. * Knowing your neighbors and caring more about them than people you don't know. * Cultivating a neighborhood to make sure you live near people you want to know. * The long term viability of the nuclear family. * A commune of queer people funded by a couple of tech jobs. * Motorizing two wooden planks and hooking them up to the internet to get hugs online. * Getting a whole lot done when you don't have internet access but now there's internet access everywhere. * Adding a physical ritual to a mental activity to make it feel real. * Putting the tomato on a different shelf to indicate that you are done with it. * An accountability mailing list where people might hypothetically judge you for what you haven't gotten done. * Fake accountability that feels real. * Trying to replicate a warehouse full of indie game devs on Discord. * Asking you for friends' lunch table to be enlarged so you can fit. * Writing a Discord bot that replicates the chat of every voice channel in every other voice channel. * Solving a social problem with social change rather than software. * How many clicks it takes to switch chat rooms. * Running through a procedurally generated maze. * Doing floating point math by aliasing the bytes to an integer and subtracting it from a weird magic number. * Code that is so self contained and stable that it's not really a problem that nobody understands it. * Old programmers retiring and their knowledge leaving with them because they didn't document anything. * Writing a megabyte long brain dump of everything you know about a project before it leaves your head. * The talk Jim didn't give describing the shaving cream technology in Glittermitten Grove. * Being too tired from your shaving cream rendering R&D project to do a good job on your beard rendering R&D project. * Wario Ware except with relaxing minigames rather than stressful ones. * Porting your game from modern systems to MS-DOS so you can sell it on a floppy disk. * How scratch and sniff failed where a Smell-O-Vision video gaming peripheral will succeed. * A swear filter but for smells. * The Femicom museum. * Going for walks around your neighborhood and seeing the outside of someone's house. * The hidden interior of a stranger's home as an allegory for their unknowable mind. * Peeking into your neighbor's window whenever you get the chance. * Which service jobs let you go into people's houses and see how they live. * How it's okay to let the cleaning service employees see your secrets because you don't consider the working poor to be real people. * Whether house cleaners get a small amount of joy in knowing the weird secrets of rich people. * The guy who comes in every few months for repairs because your computer is completely full of porn. * Seeing someone's deepest darkest secrets and being like "it was aight" * Wanting a nicely interior-designed house but not wanting to put in any effort. * Wanting to paint your house and painting one wall and thinking "I'm good." * Getting the kind of paint that seems like a normal wall color but changes to a garish color after it dries, to fool your wife. * Being ready to learn all the new hobbies as lockdown starts but someone already bought all the sewing machines and felting needles. * How many more ways you can fuck up a sewing project vs. a knitting project. * Pulling out all the stitches in a pleated skirt for the third time and deciding you want a different hobby. * Taking natural animal fibers and stabbing them into place. * A sewing project having to hang on someone's body in a particular way. * Learning every game development skill so you can make games without ever talking to anyone. * Smearing goo on a white surface and it becoming a picture somehow. * The hobbies we'd have if we had infinite time. * Looking at a painting and seeing which parts the painter messed up by looking for the parts that are thickest. * The "warmest greetings" coffee cup. * The animated gif where they poke a hole in the coffee cup and coffee spurts out. * Making a d-pad feel like a fresh control scheme by attaching a jetski to it. * Inventing a solution while also entertaining your audience. * Co-op TIS-100, where each player gets their own CPU cell.

    Pedialyte Teargas

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 26, 2020 63:42

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Danny is @dannyBstyle on Twitter and plugs vaping. * Alex is @adlleong on Twitter and plugs the Ian Knot shoelace tying method. Topics: * Invisible walls in games * BluBlockers * Bees take their lives into their hands every time they get thirsty * Nick Asks "♪ God only knows what I’d pee without poo ♪" * My wife is afraid of dogs that wear people clothes * Every response to "thank you" is rude * The multivarious ways being a child genius can screw you Microtopics: * The good content. * Some kind of invisible wall. * What we already know about Blaseball. * A fantastic way to keep the player inbounds. * Manically trying to explore this island while on the run from the military. * Cops being the yetis of life. * Blizzard blowing up your best party spot by shipping the final Ironforge Airfield. * Whether Microsoft will ruin Bethesda games by making them fix all those fun bugs before launching. * Fixing all the bugs in your game by applying The Cloud to it. * Playing the Turok remaster and they ruined it by removing all the fog. * Going to Canadian Tire because you live in Canada now. * The most technologically advanced sunglasses you can buy. * A Geordi Laforge type of deal. * Dipping your whole head in the black film you use to watch solar eclipses so you can get a good night's sleep. * How to get back from Canada. * Canada being so polite they even let the smoke in. * Still not being able to do a Canadian accent after two years. * Moving to Vancouver expecting a frozen wasteland. * Thrill-seeking bees refusing to wear their masks. * Being stung by one of those wasps that look like bees and being scared of bees for decades. * Whether insects have the capacity for complex emotions such as vengeance. * Why Danny isn't doing better if unbridled anger is such an evolutionary advantage. * Replacing creative workers with AI that you can pay in exposure. * Whether "brown area" is a less racist term than "gray area." * Seeing the most enormous dog butthole and screaming inside your heart. * Trimming back the hair around your dog's butthole to make it look bigger. * A poster with a dog butthole in it saying "Have you seen this butthole? Now you have." * Doing AI upscaling on the picture of the dog butthole that looks like Jesus so we can see the true face of God. * Assholes being okay until the poop comes out. * A human proportioned body with a dog head. * A therapy session by proxy. * Why dog clothes only cover the butt in Canada. * Dogs wearing ties on PBS. * Saying "my uncanny valley is just really wide" to your partner every night before bed instead of "I love you." * Moving to Canada expecting everyone to be polite but they're just rude with an "eh" after it. * A full-throated "hey." * The most terrifying thing about being in Canada. * Whether anyone has checked on the Canadian bacon. * Writing to Tim Horton and demanding that in Canada Canadian bacon just be called "here bacon." * A new credit card payment device where you need to punch in your zip code with your nose. * Enacting publicly-funded health care so that everyone can afford to grow a moustache and use StachePay. * Leveraging your raw intelligence to do your school assignments, rather than learning the material, and eventually hitting a brick wall because you've never actually learned anything. * Getting along better with your teachers than with other kids, because you want to talk about what Gorbachev is up to. * Getting through school and several jobs without ever learning how to work. * Thriving when given instructions to follow. * The shame of discovering that just because the school system worked for you, that doesn't mean it'll work for everyone. * Walking around wearing a t-shirt saying "ask me about the pledge of allegiance" and leaving a trail of horrified Canadians in your wake. * Taking your four year old to protests because now they have tear gas made out of Pedialyte. * Being $300 deep into the Dark Souls series but still not liking any of them. * Replaying old video games because playing new ones is too stressful. * Revisiting old media you've liked not because of the story but because it puts you in a place or mood. * Deciding to play a game because of its aesthetics and then having to find out what the game is like moment to moment and whether you want to do that with your life. * How Animal Crossing New Horizons probably saved the human species. * Only having so many button presses before your joints start to hurt. * Whether in Japan, every time you enter or leave a room, you have to politely listen to someone recite a prepared speech at you for 30 seconds, like in Animal Crossing.

    Speak Moistly And Carry A Wet Stick

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 19, 2020 62:07

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Jenni is reachable at * Chris is making cooking videos at Topics: * Possibly having doppelgangers in the same physical universe on the other side of the Big Bang is creepy * Never interfacing with the cool parts of baseball because the front-facing parts didn't appeal to you * * The two kinds of people: people who can just put a dish in the dishwasher and be happy with the outcome, and people who have to wash each dish by hand before putting it in the dishwasher, in which case what's even the point? * Miko asks "John Joseph Merlin (!) introduced the world to roller skates by rolling into a costumed ball, playing a violin, and immediately crashing into a mirror because he hadn't invented brakes yet." * The virality of the Cool S * AZ is the only state in the union where you can get one of every kind of venomous animal in your yard in the same day, I think (edit: except marsupials?) * Ancient magicks and the price we pay for them Microtopics: * The Korean spam company that owns the Video Games Taco domain name. * Who owns the Video Games Taco AOL keyword. * Editing video on an iPhone because you spilled coffee on your computer. * Refusing to use your girlfriend's salty leavings to edit video. * A symmetrical big bang implying an identical doppelganger Earth across the universe. * Traveling across the universe to destroy your big bang doppelgangers with the understanding that they want the same thing and will meet you halfway. * Arguments that exist only to depress people because you can't do anything with the information. * Whether or not the Big Bang knew about mirrors. * Higher order thought leading to the possibility of altruism. * The Chris Hegemony. * An automatic eternal baseball simulation. * Guessing what the cool part of baseball is and getting partial credit. * Speaking moistly and carrying a wet stick. * Voting to open the forbidden book and now the umpires can incinerate you. * MMO players voting in a law against running stoplights and expressing the devs to write code to enforce it like it's the law of gravity. * MMO players designating certain players to run around and hit you with a stick until you stop breaking the rules. * Finding out about Blaseball by dating and living with someone who is really into Blaseball. * Refusing to read Homestuck because you've already read Problem Sleuth. * Baseball having interesting rules but steadfastly refusing to market itself to game nerds. * When the sausages would race. * Whether there is Canadian bacon in this sausage race. * Finding the web site that keeps track of the sausage mascot race results. * Whether or not the chorizo sausage costume is wearing a sombrero. * Trading the player who assaulted the sausage mascot to the Chicago Cubs. * The sausage race promotional posters having surprisingly interesting composition. * Performing an act of necromancy on Jaylen Hotdogfingers. * Recreating the experience of people talking about a sport you don't follow except for a fake sport. * A first-person confessional of what it's like to be a racing sausage. * Finding out that the sausage races are never fixed and feeling relief that you can still believe in something. * Whether you grew up trusting dishwashers. * How to get stabbed in the hand. * Having dish-related trauma. * Having an incredibly high spoon to fork ratio. * Your spaghetti spoon. * Taking a saw and turning any spoon into a fork. * Loading the silverware drawer with four slots full of murder sporks pointing the wrong way. * Existing for four nanoseconds and spending all four being angry about how your husband wants to load the silverware drawer. * God blaming you when they were the one who made the universe deterministic. * Refusing to take the dish out of the dishwasher if it's still dirty, because god dang it you did your part. * Punting a task to when you have more brain. * Whether viewing your future self as a separate person is universal or distinct to American psychology students. * Doing a study for the beer money and screwing up the study because you're ordering beer online during the study. * Hearing about a "costumed ball" and picturing Pom Pom in a Halloween episode. * Not giving the inventor of roller skates too much credit because he didn't think of putting all the wheels in a row. * Inventing the car and debuting it by driving into a petting zoo, honking La Cucaracha and trying to steal novelty hats off of the racing sausages. * Determining whether you need to steal the hats off of the sausages while they're racing or if you can wait until they've taken the hats off at the end of the day. * John Joseph Merlin's fart remover. * The Cool S of topics. * Growing up in a parallel Earth without the Cool S. * People in the Amazon Basin who've never seen Goatse or the Cool S. * Waking up in a world without the Cool S and getting to be the one who teaches all the kids who can't draw how to draw one cool thing. * Finding the Cool S in a painting from 1533, right above the hidden anamorphic skull. * Neither the Animorphs or the Digimons having been invented in 1533. * Putting a skateboarding dog in American Gothic. * Going back in time to hide the plot of 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in the Edda. * Arizona's death of poisonous marsupials. * Gila Monsters being enraged at the sight of human testicles. * Finding a black widow, a scorpion and a Gila monster in your yard all in the same day. * Importing tropical plants without phyto certificates. * Befriending the guy you met at the Sprint store. * The kind of person who seems cooler while they're working at the Verizon store than on Twitter. * Clinging to any shred of humanity you can find in the Sprint shop. * The wizard explaining that it's going to be another hour when you can see your curse amulet right there on the counter. * Apple biting Star Trek's style * Sitting down at the genius bar and ordering a Roy Rogers. * Apple running a contact tracing program so they can find out if you know any Android users. * Finally deleting your Facebook and feeling free.

    I Don't Want To Eat This Bug, Obviously

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 12, 2020 60:44

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ben is not on the Internet but is just happy to be here. He recommends Lindsay Ellis, an excellent film critic: * * Ryan is The Man Who Messed Up Walking His Dog So Badly It Made The News. * * Topics: * Being able to cook a recipe from your mind without being able to explain how. * Every recipe has a step called "to taste" that is a mini version of this. How much salt, pepper, chili powder and cumin do I add to these chilaquiles? I donno, it's just muscle memory. But the muscle memory only works for three eggs. More or fewer, I screw it up. * How many times a day do you remember something stupid you've done in the past? Am I normal and developing as I should? * The Ice Magic jingle in Ben’s head for the rest of his life: * I miss making a game that was immune to bug reports. * Dan asks: "What would we have in common with intelligent aliens? It seems common for analytical-minded people to claim that mathematical theories are discovered rather than invented. There's a programming theory personality named Phillip Wadler who's claimed that if we met aliens, they would have Lambda Calculus. Another programming personality (on the 'math is invented' side) posted a hypothetical conversation between a human programmer and an alien programmer that went like this: * Human: How do you avoid race conditions? * Alien: We just look at the different futures and pick one without data races. * Alien: How do you calm arithmetic when it's angry? * Human: Our math is not sentient." * The Atari 2600 screenshot Jim was thinking of: * What's the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth? * * Flake in Australia is a deep fried fillet of fish you can order at fish and chip shops: Usually about the length of a dinner plate. * Nintendo Labo is an industrial design marvel. * Watch someone transform a Nintendo Labo keyboard into an actual synth! * Has anyone else noticed that long-anticipated events eventually "happen" and are thereafter "in the past"? * For years my personal blog was the top internet resource for earlobe cysts. Microtopics: * Traveling to E3 from Australia. * Making games for the Nokia N-Gage. * Just now realizing that "Squirrel Girl" rhymes. * Bluffing your way through a title pun because there's limited time in a game jam. * A pun that you need to be both from England and New Zealand to get. * Procedures for recreating an unknown recipe when the recipe changes as it's observed. * A discrete series of steps that can be reproduced * A bottomless measuring cup that keeps track of how much a substance that passed through it. * A measuring cup that tells an anonymous third party you how much of a thing it holds, but doesn't tell the user. * Whether or not anything comes up if you search the internet for minestrone soup recipes. * Getting owned on Twitter after posting about the Ship of Theseus. * Feeling dumb and then later feeling dumb about how you felt dumb. * The mortifying ordeal of being known. * Dismissing intrusive thoughts with a vocal tic or a spasm. * Remembering advertising jingles from the 1980s all the goddamned time. * Whether or not the Zest jingle invented the word "zestfully" * Corporations owing serious back rent on the space in your brain taken up by advertising jingles. * Crackly choc-ice. * Going into a deep existential dread about a forty-year-old t-shirt. * Calling it the "WC" when it takes way longer to say "WC" than "water closet" * Asking the waitress where the toilet is and she gives you a weird look and says "in the bathroom, sir." * Offering your top hat for the nobleman to micturate into. * Having an audience who sees cool literary references in your work and assumes you did them on purpose. * Writing an impossible season cliffhanger believe that you're quiting the show, but then not quitting the show and having to somehow resolve the cliffhanger. * The biggest spoiler being whether or not a work is good or not. * Living vicariously through someone watching your favorite TV series for the first time. * Meeting an alien race with sentient math. * Having just the one math but being certain that it's the only math. * Doing your best to communicate with intelligent aliens but you can't think of anything to talk about. * Only trying to contact alien races that you have enough in common with to meaningfully communicate. * What kind of math a salt-leech would invent. * Coherent systems of mathematics that don't reflect reality. * Maths that would hypothetically reflect reality better than ours, and how ours could do better. * The guy waking you up from your cryogenic sleep explaining to you that we know how to divide by zero now. * Knowing that if the laws of physics change, your program will break. * Recompiling once a year to make sure your program breaks when mathematical laws are updated. * Realizing that the anecdote you're about to tell actually happened to your brother, not you. * Discovering that ants are extremely sour. * Ordering a shark kebab and the guy asks if you want crickets on it and you're certain you misheard him so you ask "what are those?" and he says "they're tiny bugs!" * Crickets just being crunchy until you look at them and realize that you're definitely eating an entire being right now. * Being stuck with your lame fish and chips when Australians have badass shark and chips. * Things you learned as a kid and never critically examined as an adult. * Razor clams: the meal that bites back. * Building a fully functional steering wheel, with levers and adjustable dials that click, out of cardboard and rubber bands. * The visual programming environment that comes with Nintendo Labo. * Buying toys for an eight year old when your son is born because one day he'll be eight. * Artisanal reprinted Nintendo Labo cardboard components on Etsy. * Taking your cardboard Nintendo Labo synth on tour and seeing how many gigs it lasts for. * Everybody really wanting to hear Jim's earlobe cyst story. * Jim's primary claim to fame before Frog Fractions. * Jim's top 3 earlobe cyst tips. * Just how deceptively close to the jugular the earlobe is. * Getting to watch a stranger's kid grow up because they don't believe you when you say they've got the wrong email address. * The kind of person who just assumes their email address is their name at * Holding onto the last vapors of 2012 Twitter. * Like finally talking to T-Rex.

    Big Jesus Retouch Energy

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 5, 2020 62:09

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Kev - * Chall - Topics: * Rick Astley's Youtube channel in 2020 * * * * Unconsciously adjusting for sensory deficiencies * * * All food photography of prawns in the UK use the same six genetically engineered prawns. * * * Not A Butt Face asks: "Numbers in games are too big. We should just use smaller numbers. YuGiOh and final fantasy monsters having tens of thousands of HP and your attacks doing hundreds or thousands of damage looks cool when you have those quad 9s pop up... but games like Paper Mario or Megaman Battle Network keeping damage and health numbers in the tens to hundreds range means you can mentally calculate damage difference and feel the impact more granularly." * * I forgot to mention another important aspect of BCD, which is that it rounds more intuitively than binary floating point math. Hence its use in calculators. * Michael Jackson and the Sonic 3 soundtrack * Sonic Robo Blast 2: Microtopics: * The raddest place to play web games. * Topic Time. * Something the Algorithm decided you should know about. * Having a hairstyle identical to the one you had in that music video thirty years ago. * Having an appropriate face for your voice. * Rickroll Georg who lives in a cave and has rickrolled people over a billion times. * The patron saint of being disappointed. * A bobblehead of Rick Astley on a crucifix. * Taking the loupe out of your breast pocket to check if your date's crucifix is really Jesus or if it's Rick Astley again. * The YouTube algorithm deciding it's important that everyone learn how to make a house out of sticks in the swamp. * What the Dancing Baby is up to these days. * How memes propagated before social media. * A deep learning up-rez of the Dancing Baby at 1080p and 60FPS. * A reverse engineered Diddy Kong 3D model with big Retouched Jesus energy. * Memes: look 'em up. * The ethics of adding a moment of silence in post. * Giving Rick Astley the Topic Lords Bump. * Memorizing the eye test they give you at the DMV because you keep forgetting your glasses. * The guy who only cracked the knuckles of one of your hands to test the hypothesis that cracking your knuckles causes arthritis. * Repeatedly breaking your knuckles so you can have enormous terrifying swollen knuckles and calling it a "bone trick" * The Bone Trick Brothers trying to out knuckle each other. * The doors that are now open to the Bone Trick Brothers. * The Bone Trick Brothers growing up to be insurance investigators specializing in knuckleheads. * The complete impossibility of photographing prawns. * Having to tell a * A derivatives market for trading futures contracts against the six genetically engineered prawns used in all food photography. * Being totally bought into a complete lie because it was written in a convincing authorial voice. * Being convinced by photo evidence even though you haven't looked at the photo evidence. * Getting your one mistake out of the way and having smooth sailing for the rest of your life. * This Headline is False. * Squinting at a plate of colorful rice and trying to see a negative space prawn. * Scientists just realizing that nobody has cooked a real prawn in decades. * The last topic being a complete fabrication. * Opening a hole in reality and pulling in alternate reality Topic Lords episodes where Jim is in a biker club and has guests named Rex. * Getting notifications any time a podcast anywhere in the multiverse talks about you. * Not even liking notifications from this universe. * Lyrics that sound like words but are not words. * A podcast as a way for people who miss you after you die to listen to you talk for hours about inane bullshit. * The first year of Topic Lords topics in a coffee table book. * When GPT-3 Jim is narrating the podcast of the future. * Instead of doing the whole trial, just doing the first few minutes of the trial and sending the transcript through GPT-3 and searching for "verdict." * Whether we're still talking about prawns. * Chunky Integers. * Feeling the weight of smaller numbers better than enormous ones. * The advantages and disadvantages of binary-coded decimal. * Feeding a virtual pet except you're just clicking on cookies. * Comparing sizes and distances and only really caring about order of magnitude. * A ragtag team of Internet people spending decades elaborating on your game idea. * Dozens of people adding features that they think will be cool and hoping that after ten years of this a good game design will emerge. * How Micheal Jackson might hypothetically have written the Sonic 3 soundtrack. * Getting excited to go down a YouTube rabbit hole. * An even cooler mystery than the mystery of the prawns. * Whether you like a song being predicated on exactly how familiar it is to you. * Loving the Sonic 3 soundtrack so much that you track down this Michael Jackson guy's other music. * Like playing an ARG except you're just living your life. * A Doom mod secretly being the best Sonic the Hedgehog game even though Doom doesn't support slopes so they can't do the loop-the-loop. * Modding room-over-room into the Doom engine so that you can put loop-the-loops in Sonic Robo Blast 2. * A great place you got here, lotta nice topics, really screams "party." * A part time paid employee who just came out of the woodwork. * Being a leaf node on the employment tree.

    A Very Wet Hell

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 28, 2020 68:00

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * April is @aprilsaur on Twitter. * John remains a mystery. Topics: * Climate-aware architecture * * * On Dungeons & Dragons: focusing on the characters vs focusing on the story * Why do people say "ahh" after taking a drink * * Miko asks: "Perpetual Stew, a food that instead of being cooked once and then eaten, continues to be cooked for up to five hundred years (while occasionally also being eaten, but not in its entirety)" * That strange feeling when you move to a new state and the laws around plastic bags are different, and other weird differences between places * The Afghan-Mexican fusion burrito shop in Albany that we didn't name on the podcast: * You want the "tropical" or the "cajun," depending on how spicy you like it. Microtopics: * Seasons that aren't summer and states that aren't California. * John of the Commonwealth of Virginia Johns. * Calling yourself a Commonwealther but not knowing all the deep Commonwealth cuts. * Not having a city name because you're between cities and so calling yourself a "census designated place." * An experience that you had that is in the past. * Plugging a suspiciously expensive hat that players love. * Not being able to have hobbies because you just bought a house. * California, where it's sunny for hundreds of years and then suddenly a thunderstorm covers the entire state in tens of thousands of lightning strikes. * Not having to get your home repairs done before people visit because nobody can ever visit. * The good news is: podcasting. * Not having had a basement in decades. * Discovering that Virgina is a tiny piece of a giant land mass called North America. * Buying the Frog Fractions hat DLC for all your friends. * An extremely Californian form of hell. * Architects forgetting that climate exists after air conditioning is invented. * Fantasizing about winning the lottery when you never play the lottery. * The downside of climate control via architecture. * The feeling of tatami mats under your feet. * Realizing that having bugs in your floor sometimes is just the price you pay for having floor mats that bugs like to live in. * The tortilla mouse story. * Discovering that a mouse is living in your bag of tortillas and signing a contract with the mouse that it will just eat the tortillas and not destroy the rest of your house or breed. * Cats discovering extremely stale candy in the cabinet under the sink. * A squirrel spinning a corn tortilla like a steering wheel and eating it from the outside in. * A squirrel spinning a tortilla like a sign spinner. * Joining a D&D campaign late. * Knowing what your characters are about and creating situations where the characters have something to play against. * Making sure your players have stakes in the story being told. * A dope encounter on a luxury liner where you have to follow a bard with an anti-magic field. * A D&D campaign where all the players just hang out and eat Doritos. * Crafting a narrative by building outwards from a single dramatic moment. * Not knowing anything about the company you own half of. * The mystery of the Ultraviolet City. * Collaboratively inventing a story with your friends. * Having a beverage with you and being able to test a beverage hypothesis. * The sensation of a little bit of cool air passing over the various nerve endings in the inner mouth area. * Whether pooping is a social construct. * A two year old fixating on the color of Pepsi. * Tripping out on your own sensory experience. * Some real good honest mischief. * Taking a deeper breath so you can drink more. * Getting out the whiteboard to teach your infant son how to drink and belch. * A gentle sweet boy forcibly closing your laptop so you'll pay attention to him. * Perpetual stool, which also hangs around for 500 years. * Living for as long as you can keep the stew going. * Being caretaker for a stew that is 300 years older than you. * Making sure you eat all the meat out of your stew before it goes bad and spoils the rest of the stew. * Filling your house with the smell of fresh baked bread. * A bread recipe where you just put all the ingredients in a pan and then bake it. * A gradient of cheese. * Broccoli with horrible stinky cheese melted on top. * Jumping on any excuse to make an elaborate ridiculous meal. * Visiting your friends in Virginia but never talking to them because of COVID. * Going ballistic whenever you see a deer. * Making everyone sign an NDA before they can listen to this episode of your podcast. * Some sort of palace of food. * Two grocery bags being filled before you even realize what's happening. * Stipulating that the burrito rant has occurred. * Differing vehicle registration laws in Virginia and California. * Running a bunch of stop signs because they don't write the word "stop" on the ground in Portland, they only have the red sign. * How to proceed with the ARG when you believe you've solved the mystery of John's identity.

    Long Furby

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 21, 2020 68:32

    Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Abby * * * John * Topics: * A-life and v-pets of the late 90s: why did they die, where do we see them today (pokemon go, etc) * Nano Pets commercial with catchy jingle: * The only Wappy dog review on Metacritic: * Stack Up video by Jeremy Parish: * Stack Up in WarioWare, Inc.: * A Long Furby: * Another Long Furby: * Furby source code: * DadDoes review of Wappy Dog: * San Diego, CA * Everything John forgot to mention:,California * Torrey Pines State Natural Reserve®: * Geisel Library: * San Diego Zoo Safari Park: * International Cottages at Balboa Park: * Salty licorice/salmiak: * I have many friends, and am very popular, and awesome, and rumors about my smell are greatly exaggerated- John. * San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station: * San Diego depicted in the 1998 Midway arcade game California Speed: * Hotel del Coronado: * “Nobody’s perfect.”: * Harmony Gold’s most popular move in years: * Send your Robotech questions and comments to: * California is on fire; get in the van, loser, we’re all moving to Pittsburgh. * Bloodlust Software and the 90s indie game scene * * * Not A Butt Face asks: "Marble Hornets Sex Tape ie. A Found Footage Style Webseries but the footage being sifted through is on Sex Tapes and just out of frame or partially obscured is a lurking unknown creature. Could this ever work?" Microtopics: * Being a cyborg and being out of the closet. * Doing standup comedy in an empty room. * Figuring out the best way to get a podcast onto your phone. * Kevin Spacey ruining your podcast. * A 20th-anniversary digital Tamagotchi. * F2P Tamagotchi all getting horrible pain disorders that demand you pay daily microtransactions or they just scream all day. * A large company that operates suspiciously. * Reading a lot of Newsweek in grade school. * Getting high on your own supply of Newsweek. * An eight year old wearing a blazer with elbow pads picking up a Newsweek at the book fair to read about Tamagotchi. * Shaking the Chao garden to make the Chao fight. * Whether or not Nintendogs go to heaven. * Neglecting your real dog because you have an exciting new virtual dog. * Sickening podcast guests with your Pokemon Go strategies. * The sensor on Wappy Dog's tail that only exists so it can get upset that you pulled its tail. * That one banger on the Wappy Dog OST. * Your Robotic Operating Buddy's ability to pick up discs of a certain size and move them in an arc around itself. * Playing Stack Up over Skype and having to call your friend and have him reset the puzzle whenever ROB fucks up and drops the pieces on the floor. * The baffling absence of YouTube videos of Gizmo Furby interacting with Yoda Furby. * Steven Spielberg patrolling the internet for videos of Gizmo Furby talking to Yoda Furby and shutting them the heck down because that's not canon. (George Lucas is fine with it.) * A village of Furbies living on after the extinction of the human race. * Yes! Dad does! * Wappy Dog being immortal, but if he did die somehow he'd go straight to hell. * Pikachu turning to the player and asking "who was the last person you kissed?" * Trying to make a game that creates the same reaction in every player. * Confusing Yoot Saito and Noob Saibot. * Playing SimCity 2000 on a Game Boy Advance. * Becoming a chef so that you can figure out why burritos are better in San Diego than anywhere else in the world. * A library raised up in little feet with a swirly tail called The Spang-Dangler Building. * A library that looks like a big concrete tree. * A library that looks like a space invader. * Discovering Finnish Salty Licorice and finally not having to share your candy with your friends. * Lurking in the floorboards so that you can visit your introvert friend without them noticing. * Those big concrete nipples on Camp Pendleton. * Driving from Camp Pendleton to Mexico in less than a minute and then turning around and driving across an aircraft carrier. * Doctor Seuss's favorite San Diego hangouts. * Whether Jack Lemmon likes it hot in the ending of Some Like It Hot. * Taking part in the panda breeding program in the 70s. * Not knowing what the San Diego Convention Center looks like outside of Comic Con and just assuming it's always swarming with nerds. * None of the speakers showing up for the big Robotech panel at Wondercon so the marketing director steps up with PowerPoint presentation describing Robotech merch. * Everyone losing their shit over Robotech skate decks. * Singing and dancing when the sky turns black. * Trying to hide violence from children so the children rebel by celebrating violence as much as possible. * A full-featured Mortal Kombat clone developed by two high school students. * Whether One Must Fall stands up. * Choosing to release the first free-and-good-enough NES emulator and calling it NESticle. * How the mouse pointer for NESticle was actually a severed hand, and only the Windows icon was a scrotum. * Keeping your emulation legit by deleting your ROMs every 24 hours. * The only place the long-rumored SNESticle was ever released. * How early SNES emulators didn't handle transparency so you had to manually toggle the cloud layer in order to see anything. * Shock value Flash cartoons before and after 9/11. * A gif of a plane crashing into Oprah. * Going into work each day with the intent of trying to get fired. * Who today is carrying on the Bloodlust Software ethos. * Making the same ultra-violent video game as everyone else but adding narration explaining that "violence is bad and this game is important." * A hyper-detailed art style evocative of biology and gross innards without actually depicting any gore. * A tasteful logo that represents a butt pooping. * A barely-visible monster lurking in the background of every video uploaded to Pornhub. * Porkin' Across America. * Finding people who were already going to make a series of sex tapes and offering to lurk in the background in your Slenderman costume. * Training a neural network to insert Slenderman into the background of every movie. * Writing erotic House of Leaves fan fiction and waiting for the Internet to discover and reenact it. * An art critic giving your life a B+.

    Claim Topic Lords

    In order to claim this podcast we'll send an email to with a verification link. Simply click the link and you will be able to edit tags, request a refresh, and other features to take control of your podcast page!

    Claim Cancel