Podcasts about peter malinoski

Enjoy this bonus meditation led by Dr. Peter Malinoski. In this experiential he invites you to go inside and connect with your parts to understand their assumptions, experiences, and beliefs around love. Be sure to check out my full interview (episode 190) with Peter here. About Dr. Peter Malinoski: Dr. Peter Malinoski is a clinical psychologist, IFS Level 3-trained practitioner, and co-founder of Souls and Hearts, a platform dedicated to integrating the best of psychology and Catholicism. He also hosts the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast and leads the Resilient Catholics Community, helping others navigate faith and mental health with depth and compassion. ___________________________________________ Check out our new merch at The One Inside store Watch video clips from select episodes on  The One Inside on YouTube Follow Tammy on Instagram @ifstammy and on Facebook at The One Inside with Tammy Sollenberger. Jeff Schrum co-produces The One Inside Podcast. He is a writer, counselor, and IFS Level 1 practitioner.   Are you new to IFS or want a simple way to get to know yourself? Tammy's book, "The One Inside: Thirty Days to your Authentic Self" is a PERFECT place to start.  Sign up for Tammy's email list and get a free "Get to know a Should part of you" meditation on her website Tammy is grateful for Jack Reardon who created music for the podcast. Jack is a graduate of Derek Scott's IFS Stepping Stones Program.   If you are interested in sponsoring an episode or two of The One Inside Podcast please contact Tammy at tammysollenberger@comcast.net  

If you come from a divorced or broken family, this show is for you. We help you heal your brokenness, navigate the challenges, and build healthy relationships, so you can break that cycle and build a better life. In this episode, you'll hear highlight clips from the podcast in 2024.If you're new to the podcast, this is the perfect way to sample our content and learn how it will help you. If you're a longtime listener, this is the perfect episode to share with someone you know who needs to hear it.View Restored's ResourcesGet the Book or FREE chapters: It's Not Your FaultGet the Guide: 5 Tips to Navigate the Holidays in a Broken FamilyEpisodes featured:#115: The Antidote to a Life of Emptiness | Dr. Andrew & Sarah Swafford#120: Freedom You Never Tasted But Always Wanted | Jake Khym, MA#121: A Cure for Feeling Needy or Helpless | Margaret Vasquez#123: What I Wish Never Happened, I Am The Most Grateful For | Jack Beers#126: Former Porn Actress: Over 90% of People in Porn are from Broken Families | Bree Solstad#130: An Exercise to Heal | Dr. Peter Malinoski#132: Why Your Wounds & Subconscious Are Ruling Your Life | Dr. Gregory Bottaro#136: Relationship Advice for Young People from Broken Families | Jackie & Bobby AngelShownotesQuestion for Joey or our guests? Text us. We'll answer on the show as soon as we're able. You can be anonymous if you'd like!

On today's episode I speak with my friend and fellow podcaster Dr. Peter Malinoski, a clinical psychologist, IFS Level 3-trained practitioner, and co-founder of Souls and Hearts. Peter shares his journey of integrating Internal Family Systems (IFS) with his Catholic faith, and building bridges between these two communities through his work with the Resilient Catholics Community and his Interior Integration for Catholics podcast channel on YouTube We talk about understanding parts, healing attachment wounds, and embracing love. At around 26 minutes in Peter offers a wonderful experiential exercise/meditation where he invites you to go inside and connect with your parts to understand their assumptions, experiences, and beliefs around love.  Key Takeaways: IFS provides a powerful healing framework that integrates beautifully with Catholic spirituality. Why is it often so difficult for parts to feel safe being loved or offering love? Protectors can play critical roles in bridging internal and external relationships when approached with curiosity and respect. Healing relational wounds begins with internal harmony—inviting all parts to participate in Self-Led love. Self Energy serves as a secure base for engaging with exiles, protectors, and divine connection. About Dr. Peter Malinoski: Dr. Peter Malinoski is a clinical psychologist, IFS Level 3-trained practitioner, and co-founder of Souls and Hearts, a platform dedicated to integrating the best of psychology and Catholicism. He also hosts the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast and leads the Resilient Catholics Community, helping others navigate faith and mental health with depth and compassion. _______________________________________________________________________________ Watch video Clips from select episodes on  The One Inside on YouTube Follow Tammy on Instagram @ifstammy and on Facebook at The One Inside with Tammy Sollenberger. Jeff Schrum co-produces The One Inside Podcast. He is a writer, counselor, and IFS Level 1 practitioner.   Are you new to IFS or want a simple way to get to know yourself? Tammy's book, "The One Inside: Thirty Days to your Authentic Self" is a PERFECT place to start.  Sign up for Tammy's email list and get a free "Get to know a Should part of you" meditation on her website Tammy is grateful for Jack Reardon who created music for the podcast. Jack is a graduate of Derek Scott's IFS Stepping Stones Program.   If you are interested in sponsoring an episode or two of The One Inside Podcast please contact Tammy at tammysollenberger@comcast.net

We are all fractured, in some way. Sometimes its our own fault, other times it is not, but we all lack interior integration. On top of this, many have resorted to pornography to compensate and help them cope with an already growing disintegration. How do we get out of this hole? Is brute force the way?On this episode, Dr. Malinoski, a clinical psychologist, contributor to FOCUS, hosted on the Chris Stefanick Catholic Show, and co-founder of Interior Integration, helps lay out a proper anthropological vision of who man is and who he is called to be. In doing so, he gives us a pathway to understand our need for interior integration and  how to move towards it. Timecode:0:00 - Introduction 3:00 - Dr. Peter Malinoski6:00 - What is Interior Integration?13:40 - Anthropology and Psychology21:00 - Grace Perfects Nature28:00 - The Crisis of Pornography 32:00 - Pornography as Symptom 37:40 - The Unconscious of Pornography 41:00 - Women and Pornography 43:00 - We Are Scared of Love54:30 - To Be Childlike58:00 - Vulnerability and Integration 1:05:45 - Practical Steps To Fight Addiction 1:12:00 - God Does Not Reject YouResources mentioned by Dr. Peter Malinoski:- Podcast Title: Interior Integration for Catholics- Specific episode mentioned: Episode 114 - “Lifting Sexual Burdens: An IFS Demonstration with Drew Boa”- Website for help with IFS method: soulsandhearts.com/toc - Resource for trusted therapists: soulsandhearts.com/therapists - Book: “Litany of The Heart” by Dr. CreteSupport the show

Have a question for Joey or our guests? Text us.If you're like me, you've experienced trauma or brokenness in your life which has led you to seek healing. One method of healing used in therapy is Internal Family Systems. But what exactly is it? And how can it help you?My guest today, a psychologist and expert in Internal Family Systems, answers those questions, plus:A healing exercise that you can do alongside me during this episodeThe result of the exercise for me and both of our thoughts on itWhy your subconscious is ruling your lifeListen to The Interior Integration for Catholics PodcastVisit Dr. Peter's Souls and HeartsView Restored's ResourcesShownotes

AMDG. Looking back on four years and more than 220 episodes of the Kolbecast since its relaunch in August 2020, Jordan, Steven, and Bonnie reminisce on many memorable conversations and guests. Longtime and new Kolbecast listeners alike will find something of interest and inspiration from the array of episodes covered today.  To sort through the library of Kolbecast episodes, visit this page on the Kolbe website and use the filters to find what you're looking for. Send your episode suggestions to podcast@kolbe.org  Kolbecast episodes mentioned & relevant:  1 Kolbecast Relaunch  28 A Pessimist with Hope: A Conversation with Dr. Anthony Esolen  198 The Sign of Our Salvation: Dr. Gilbert Lavoie on the Shroud of Jesus  191 A Window into the Ancient World with Mike Aquilina  179 Translation Tug of War  with Dr. Matthew Minerd  188 Dr. Kevin Majeres Sees Challenges as Opportunities and 219 The Upside of Anxiety with Dr. Kevin Majeres of Optimal Work  167 Sanity & Sanctity with Johanna Seagren of Interior Kingdom  204 Habits of Ownership with Jacob Imam of The College of St. Joseph the Worker  175 A Both-And Approach with Dr. Jonathan Sanford of The University fo Dallas  84 The Essence of Catholic Education and 157 Renewal, Revival, Variety, and Unity with Patrick Reilly of the Cardinal Newman Society  123 A Change of the Ages with Msgr. James Shea of The University of Mary, who is also featured on ep 213 This Is a Beginning  183 Gratuitous Gifts with Sherry Weddell  176 The Agenda Is to Grow with Art & Laraine Bennett  Daniel Bielinski on 139 Glorifying God through Film and 217 Spoilers of a Sort  92 Protect, Guide, Prepare, Empower with Cathy & Nicolai Lund  Charlie Mihaliak on 18 Homer and the Hunger Games and 208 A Mosaic of Experience as well as ep 213 This Is a Beginning  3 Dramatic Arts with Dolores Ann Mihaliak  8 Great Expectations with Colleen Carroll Campbell  Dr. Don Prudlo on ep 39 Reclaiming the Territory, 40 Windshield Time, 78 The Kolbe Man Show, and 111 What Treasures Remain  36 Embrace the Fifth Day with Therese Prudlo, who also appears on several other Kolbecast episodes  74 Special Teams: Kolbe Dads  214 A Long View with Dee-dee & Charlie Mihaliak, parents of five Kolbe grads  Dr. John Cuddeback on ep 166 Dwelling Together Richly  199 Do Good Work and Read Good Work with Jason Craig of Sword & Spade  60 Mission: Possible  61 Middle Ground  164 This Is Not a Kolbe Infomercial with Kolbe mom Lindsey  190 The School of Patience with Tricia Kavanagh, another Kolbe mom  209 Kolbe Kids Give Gems of Information with three of Tricia's sons, one of whom also appears on ep 213 This Is a Beginning  173 A Deeper and Greater Joy with Kolbe alumni transitional Dcn. Charles Ohotnicky and Fr. Ambrose Dobrozsi  215 New School Year Starter Kit with Dean of Admissions Jeanne Anne Ford and Customer Support Supervisor Colleen Pilon  118 Odysseys in Catholicism  45 Grace Perfects Nature with Dr. Peter Malinoski and Jody Garneau  Mrs. Elizabeth Hoxie appears on several episodes including 21 To Live Fully Alive, 89 The Master Blueprint, 112 Cura Personalis: The Intro, 136 Cura Personalis: The Sequel, and 213 This Is a Beginning  140 Burnout Happens  100 In the Beginning with Kolbe Academy co-founder Mrs. Dianne Muth  119 The Hope Throughout with Tom & Noelle Crowe  134 For Tinkerers of All Ages with Kolbe dad and HAM radio enthusiast Chris Ranck  Kolbe Advising Manager Mrs. Ashley Massey's Kolbecast debut was episode 66 Bonhomie à la Kolbe  105 Not Just for Special Occasions with small business owner, Kolbe homeschooling mother, and etiquette expert Rebecca Czarniecki--known professionally as Mrs. B  162 Let Latin Conquer You  220 Decoding Mythology to Reveal Christianity  32 Reflections of His Light with two Marian Sisters of Santa Rosa who are Kolbe alumnae; one tells a sweet story of leaving some “Easter eggs” for her younger sibling to find.  207 A Privilege of a Lifetime with Kolbe mom turned advisor Elyse Williams  63 The Saints Speak for Themselves with the Holy Heroes parents (also Kolbe parents) Ken and Kerri Davison  150 A Family Apostolate: Liturgical Living with Kendra Tierney  116 Things I Would Tell My Students with Jordan Almanzar  Have questions or suggestions for future episodes or a story of your own experience that you'd like to share? We'd love to hear from you! Send your thoughts to podcast@kolbe.org and be a part of the Kolbecast odyssey.   We'd be grateful for your feedback! Please share your thoughts with us via this Kolbecast survey!   The Kolbecast is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and most podcast apps. By leaving a rating and review in your podcast app of choice, you can help the Kolbecast reach more listeners. The Kolbecast is also on Kolbe's YouTube channel (audio only with subtitles).  Using the filters on our website, you can sort through the episodes to find just what you're looking for. However you listen, spread the word about the Kolbecast! 

Dr. Peter Malinoski shares some dark moments of his story of medical trauma from when he was 11 years old in 1980 with Kathryn Wessling and Gabriel Crawford from Catholic Story Groups at CatholicStoryGroups.com. Discover the power of exploring stories. Join him for this episode to discover how essential story is to your personal formation. We first discuss what a story is, review tips for writing your story, and offer recommendations for listening to a story well. 

Tim Glemkowski and Joel Stepanek, key planners and executives for the 2024 National Eucharistic Congress, join Dr. Peter Malinoski on this episode to continue our series on integrated personal formation and discuss the kind of transformation you can expect at the NEC, as well as what you can do to prepare for it, both in the natural and spiritual realms. We explore how the four dimensions of Catholic personal formation -- human, intellectual, spiritual, and pastoral -- are incorporated into the NEC revival sessions, impact sessions, breakouts, exhibits, and all the other offerings. Finally, Joel and Tim offer you suggestions to help you get the most out of this experience whether you attend in person or virtually. 

What do the roots, trunk, branches, leaves, and apples of a tree have to do with your Catholic formation?  Find out how these, combined with sunlight, water, and soil, bring us an integrated understanding of personal formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person, drawing from Church documents and the sciences of the natural world.  By looking at an apple tree, we can understand our own formation and where we need to change and grow much better – and not just as solitary trees, but together, in community, in a forest.  Join me, Dr. Peter Malinoski, as we learn how to flourish in love and for love, as Catholics journeying together.  

Is it possible to heal narcissism? Is there hope for our narcissistic friends and family to change? Today I sit down with clinical physiologist, Dr. Peter Malinoski, to unravel some of the misconceptions about narcissism. We discuss the intricacies of narcissistic heart and behavior, the emptiness of the heart that every narcissist is trying to fill, and how being rooted in the truth of their identity can be a healing balm to their deepest wounds.Follow Dr. Peter:IIC Podcast | Souls & Hearts (soulsandhearts.com)Check out our Sponsors!Good Ranchers: https://go.goodranchers.com/lila Buy your meat this year from Good Ranchers, and use code LILA for $20 off! EveryLife: https://www.everylife.com Buy diapers from an amazing pro-life diaper company and use code LILA and get 10% off!Nimi Skincare: Check out my favorite skin care brand and get 15% off using the code LILA. https://www.nimiskincare.com/discount... Seven Weeks Coffee: https://www.sevenweekscoffee.com Buy your pro-life coffee with a 10% discount using the code LILA!

AMDG. In this episode, Dr. Kevin Majeres, Catholic psychiatrist and co-founder of Optimal Work (among many other things), brings words of wisdom for the start of a new calendar year.   Dr. Majeres explains that many truths in psychiatry and neuroscience are in line with our Catholic faith, in particular how some of the concepts of reframing, mindfulness, and challenge are important steps in our lives of walking with Christ. These ideas can be applied to the many facets of daily life to help us accept and meet challenges, grow in holiness and virtue, and help ourselves and each other along the way.  Kolbecast episodes mentioned & relevant:  26 Truth in Person and 166 A Legendary Occasion with Kolbe alumna Aviva Lund  92 Prepare, Guide, Protect, Empower with Aviva's parents Cathy & Nicolai Lund  175 A Both-And Approach with Dr. Jonathan Sanford of The University of Dallas  45 Grace Perfects Nature with Dr. Peter Malinoski & Jody Garneau of Souls & Hearts  117 Figureoutable with Dr. Andrew Mullally of the Doctor, Doctor podcast  For more information about Dr. Majeres and his offerings, visit   the Optimal Work website. Find his podcast of the same name in any podcast app.  His own website  purityispossible.com  The Kolbecast inaugural survey awaits your feedback! Please share your thoughts with us using this link.   The Kolbecast is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and most podcast apps. By leaving a rating and review in your podcast app of choice, you can help the Kolbecast reach more listeners. The Kolbecast is also on Kolbe's YouTube channel (audio only with subtitles).  Using the filters on our website, you can sort through the episodes to find just what you're looking for. However you listen, spread the word about the Kolbecast!  Have questions or suggestions for future episodes? We'd love to hear from you! Send your thoughts to podcast@kolbe.org and be a part of the Kolbecast odyssey. 

Welcome to Episode 157 of the Being Human Podcast: For Those Holding the Line Between Two Extremes (A Gender Series Follow-Up) This episode is for those standing on the middle ground between owoke liberal culture and traditional Catholicism; for those attempting to walk with those who struggle with gender confusion while at the same time upholding objective truth. In this follow-up to our recent Gender Series, Dr. Greg offers encouragement, consolation, and a way forward!   Discussed in the episode:  What is the middle ground between woke ideologies and Church tradition? The cross holding the tension between objective truth and the culture in which we live;  How to follow Christ's example of upholding objective truth while also entering into the pain and suffering of people experiencing gender confusion; The importance of persevering in fighting the good fight; Encouragement for times when the battle for truth feels lonely and exhausting; The importance of remembering that every saint goes through moments of feeling abandoned and alone; The meaning of compassion and mercy (misericordia) as a capacity to suffer with others; Why the deepest evangelization happens through encounter and accompaniment; Self-compassion as the first step to having compassion for others who are suffering; The most loving and healthy thing you can do for others to attain ultimate happiness.   Resources mentioned or relevant:  Past Being Human Episodes:  Episode 155: How to Help People Suffering with Gender Confusion;  Episode 153: How to Talk About Gender Issues;  Episode #152: Towards a New Revolution of Gender Truth;  Episode #151: From Gender Dysphoria to Gender Integration: A Proposal;  Episode #149: A New Approach to the Gender Crisis;  Episode #35: Why Do I Feel Like I Have Conflicting Parts? w/ Dr. Peter Malinoski;  Need help? Schedule a free consultation call with someone on our team to discuss how we can support you; Learn more about our CPMAP Certification! Sign up for Being Human, our weekly newsletter, for encouragement on your journey of becoming the best human you can be; Visit our website to read the CatholicPsych blog, shop in the CatholicPsych bookshop, or discover other resources we have available;  Download The Integrated App for access to free audio exercises, the Catholic Mindfulness Virtual Retreat, courses, prayer resources, and more;  Become a member of the Integrated Life Community to get access to every course Dr. Greg has created, plus the opportunity to participate in Integrated LIVE's - weekly, Mentor hosted Q&As covering topics like boundaries, communication, trauma, forgiveness, and more! Follow us on Instagram: @catholicpsych.  Contact us! Have a topic or a question you would like Dr. Greg to address on the podcast? Want to give some feedback about this episode? Email us at beinghuman@catholicpsych.com - we would love to hear from you!   Rate, review, and subscribe Please help us in our mission to integrate the Faith with Psychology by hitting subscribe and also sharing this podcast with your friends. Please consider rating or leaving a review of our show. It helps us reach other Catholics just like you who want to become more integrated, whole, and happy human beings. For Apple podcasts, click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate 5 stars, and choose “write a review.” Then type your sincere thoughts about the show! If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now!  

Welcome to Episode 153 of the Being Human Podcast: How to Talk About Gender Issues How do we talk about gender issues to people who don't necessarily share the same views? How can we make sense of the gender ideologies and confusion so prevalent in our culture today? In this week's episode, Dr. Greg shares important principles to remember when engaging others in conversation on this sensitive topic.   Discussed in the episode:  How do we communicate a Catholic perspective on gender ideology to those who may not share the same perspective? The meaning and importance of owning our mistakes as a Church; Entering into relationship with another as a necessary prerequisite to evangelizing with love; Why it's essential to recognize the distinction between gender stereotypes and gender identity; The importance of understanding that each person has different parts and experiences within themselves; How communion can be possible in the midst of varying parts and perspectives; Seeing the developmental stages starting from conception as a gradual becoming more of who God calls us to be; Why modeling from the same-sex parent and complementarity from the opposite-sex parent significantly impacts the formation of a child's identity.   Resources mentioned or relevant:  Past Being Human episodes:  Episode #151: From Gender Dysphoria to Gender Integration: A Proposal Episode #152: Towards a New Revolution of Gender Truth Episode #149: A New Approach to the Gender Crisis;   Episode #148: How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex; Episode #75: Gender Fluidity or Complementarity? (Part 1 of 4) Episode #35: Why Do I Feel Like I Have Conflicting Parts? w/ Dr. Peter Malinoski;  Learn more about our CPMAP Certification;  Need help? Schedule a free consultation call with someone on our team to discuss how we can support you; Sign up for Being Human, our weekly newsletter, for encouragement on your journey of becoming the best human you can be; Visit our website to read the CatholicPsych blog, shop in the CatholicPsych bookshop, or discover other resources we have available;  Download The Integrated App for access to free audio exercises, the Catholic Mindfulness Virtual Retreat, courses, prayer resources, and more;  Become a member of the Integrated Life Community to get access to every course Dr. Greg has created, plus the opportunity to participate in Integrated LIVE's - weekly, Mentor hosted Q&As covering topics like boundaries, communication, trauma, forgiveness, and more! Follow us on Instagram: @catholicpsych; Contact us! Have a topic or a question you would like Dr. Greg to address on the podcast? Want to give some feedback about this episode? Email us at beinghuman@catholicpsych.com - we would love to hear from you!   Rate, review, and subscribe Please help us in our mission to integrate the Faith with Psychology by hitting subscribe and also sharing this podcast with your friends. Please consider rating or leaving a review of our show. It helps us reach other Catholics just like you who want to become more integrated, whole, and happy human beings. For Apple podcasts, click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate 5 stars, and choose “write a review.” Then type your sincere thoughts about the show! If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now!  

AMDG. Personality encompasses both nature and nurture, from biological traits and education to family of origin and cultural background.  Temperament is one important piece of personality.  In this episode, Art and Laraine Bennett describe the four classical temperaments, their long Catholic tradition, and their pragmatic applications for homeschooling families.  Working from the foundation that temperament is God's way of kickstarting a personality without putting anyone in a box, Art and Laraine explain how understanding temperaments helps homeschooling parents understand what doors will be easier to open and what doors will take more work when educating their children.  They also touch on managing reactions, learning styles, mental illness, and appropriate discussions about temperament for various ages of children.  Relevant links:  Check out the Bennetts' websitefor more information about their books, the Know Thyself game, and their other offerings.   Take their temperament quiz here.   Catholic Therapists online directory  Character Building by David Isaacs  No Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.  Kolbecast episodes mentioned & relevant:  167 Sanity & Sanctity with Johanna Seagren of Interior Kingdom  45 Grace Perfects Nature with Dr. Peter Malinoski and Jody Garneau  77 The Road Less Traveled with Celeste Cuellar    Kolbecast episodes cover a range of topics relating to school at home, the life of faith, and Catholic education. Using the filters on our website, you can sort the episodes to find just what you're looking for. If you listen to the Kolbecast via a podcast app/player, we'd be so grateful to you for leaving a rating and review. That helps us reach more listeners. However you listen, please spread the word about the Kolbecast!  Have questions or suggestions for future episodes? We'd love to hear from you! Send your thoughts to podcast@kolbe.org and be a part of the Kolbecast odyssey. 

Welcome to Episode 142 of the Being Human Podcast: How to Start Healing an Unhealthy Relationship (A Relationship Series, Part Five) This week, Dr. Greg follows up on last week's episode about the warning signs of emotional abuse to answer the question “What can I do if my relationship is unhealthy?” In this episode, he breaks open three practical steps you can take to help you navigate through the challenges of a difficult relationship.   Highlights from the episode:  The subtlety and invisibility of emotional and psychological abuse;  How the parts of us that believe “if only the other person would change, my life would be better” can overshadow other more helpful parts;  Free will and self-determination as integral parts of our humanity that cannot be taken away;  The importance of identifying where we still have freedom to make a choice; The fruitlessness of attempting to change another person's behavior;  Understanding boundaries as necessary when making decisions in and about a relationship;  How there can be parts of us that put up roadblocks to our growth and development due to fear; The way we react, respond, and participate in relational dynamics as a result of our personality formed in childhood;  Growth in self-awareness as essential in the process of healing;  How courage and greater strength come from support and community.    Resources mentioned or relevant: Last week's episode: Seven Signs of Emotional Abuse (A Relationship Series, Part Four);  Need help? Schedule a free consultation call with someone on our team to discuss how we can support you; Past episodes on Internal Family Systems and parts work:  Ep. #34: A New Theory! with a Catholic Lens  Ep. #35: Why Do I Feel Like I Have Conflicting Parts? w/ Dr. Peter Malinoski;  More about the Catholic Mindfulness Virtual Retreat; Books:  Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life; Stop Walking on Eggshells; Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning; Become a member of the Integrated Life Community to get access to every course Dr. Greg has created, plus the opportunity to participate in Integrated LIVE's - weekly, Mentor hosted Q&As covering topics like boundaries, communication, trauma, forgiveness, and more! Download The Integrated App for access to free audio exercises, courses, prayer resources, and more; Learn about IDDM (Mentorship), our new model of accompaniment; Sign up for Being Human, our weekly newsletter, to stay up to date on the exciting developments at CatholicPsych; Visit our website to read the CatholicPsych blog, shop in the CatholicPsych bookshop, or discover other resources we have available; Join the waitlist to be notified about our next Open House to learn more about the new CPMAP certification!   Contact us! Have a topic or a question you would like Dr. Greg to address on the podcast? Want to give some feedback about this episode? Email us at beinghuman@catholicpsych.com - we would love to hear from you!   Rate, review, and subscribe Please help us in our mission to integrate the Faith with Psychology by hitting subscribe and also sharing this podcast with your friends. Please consider rating or leaving a review of our show. It helps us reach other Catholics just like you who want to become more integrated, whole, and happy human beings. For Apple podcasts, click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate 5 stars, and choose “write a review.” Then type your sincere thoughts about the show! If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now!  

Dr. Gerry Crete, Marion Moreland and Dr. Peter Malinoski discuss the relationship among parts and how your manager parts make up what is perceived to be your personality.  Dr. Peter offers a 25-minute experiential exercise to help you connect with your manager parts, the ones who make up your "personality."  Then we debrief, describe our experiences of the exercise and answer questions from our live audience.  

Join Catholic IFS therapists Marion Moreland, Jody Garneau, and Dr. Peter Malinoski for an in-depth discussion of unburdening, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person.  We explore three kinds of burdens -- personal burdens, legacy burdens, and unattached burdens (the IFS equivalent of demons), we provide examples from our own lives, we emphasize the importance of felt safety and protection for all parts, and we discuss the role of attachment theory in unburdening.  In our Q&A with our live audience, we discuss how to approach "hiding parts" as well.  

Welcome to Episode 130 of the Being Human Podcast:  How to Stop Internally Beating Yourself Up Each of us has different internal parts, and some parts - especially our critical parts - can seem louder than others. How are we supposed to love all of these parts of ourselves, especially if certain parts want to act in unhealthy ways? This week, Dr. Greg takes a deeper dive into the concept of “parts work” while breaking open how it's possible to love every part of ourselves - even those parts we consider to be “bad.”    Highlights from the episode:  We all have different parts of ourselves, and none of them are “bad”;  Why it's healthy to allow all of our parts to give voice to their perspective, even if what a particular part wants is not what we decide to do;  How taking time to understand where our desire for certain unhealthy behaviors comes from can help to reveal the deeper reasons for the behavior;  Healing as a process of reframing and “repurposing” parts to help them take on a different job;  The importance of self-awareness in the process of creatively redirecting problematic parts; Loving and accepting all parts of ourselves helps build rapport to work with them towards positive change.   Resources mentioned or relevant: Past Being Human Episodes on Internal Family Systems and Parts Work:  Episode #34: A New Theory! With a Catholic Lens;  Episode #35: Why Do I Feel Like I Have Conflicting Parts? w/ Dr. Peter Malinoski;  Episode #47: How to Turn Your Inner Worst Enemies Into Your Inner Best Friends;  Episode #98: Are You Gaslighting Yourself? Introduction to Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz; No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz;   Need help? Schedule a free consultation call with someone on our team to discuss how we can support you; Learn about IDDM (Mentorship), our new model of accompaniment; Sign up for Being Human, our weekly newsletter, to stay up to date on the exciting developments at CatholicPsych; Visit our website to read the CatholicPsych blog, shop in the CatholicPsych bookshop, or discover other resources we have available;  Download The Integrated App for access to free audio exercises, the Catholic Mindfulness Virtual Retreat, courses, prayer resources, and more;  Become a member of the Integrated Life Community to get access to every course Dr. Greg has created, plus the opportunity to participate in Integrated LIVE's - weekly, Mentor hosted Q&As covering topics like boundaries, communication, trauma, forgiveness, and more! Join the waitlist to be notified about our next Open House to learn more about the new CPMAP certification!   Contact us! Have a topic or a question you would like Dr. Greg to address on the podcast? Want to give some feedback about this episode? Email us at beinghuman@catholicpsych.com - we would love to hear from you!   Rate, review, and subscribe Please help us in our mission to integrate the Faith with Psychology by hitting subscribe and also sharing this podcast with your friends. Please consider rating or leaving a review of our show. It helps us reach other Catholics just like you who want to become more integrated, whole, and happy human beings. For Apple podcasts, click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate 5 stars, and choose “write a review.” Then type your sincere thoughts about the show! If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now!  

Jake and Bob break open the conversation they had in the previous episode with Dr. Peter Malinoski and dive deeper into the key points from that episode. This leads to a discussion where Jake and Bob talk about their own struggles with feelings of rejection and how to process that. The guys also talk about forgiving and loving our past selves, dealing with anxiety & the dangers of self-reliance. Key Points Were there “parts” before the fall?  A deeper discussion into how “parts” play a role in our personal lives. Inviting Jesus into tough situations. Forgiving and loving our past selves.  Confession is approaching a merciful God who loves us, not just temporarily removing his hatred towards us. How to deal with anxiety. The dangers of self-reliance. We can't fight pride with more pride. Examining the areas of self-hatred in our lives. Ask the Father how He sees you there. Resources RTG Episode 79 Connect with Restore the Glory: Instagram: @restoretheglorypodcast  Twitter: @RestoreGloryPod Facebook: Restore the Glory Podcast Never miss out on an episode by hitting the subscribe button right now! Help other people find the show and grow in holiness by sharing this podcast with them individually or on your social media. Thanks! Audio editing by Forte Catholic

Jake and Bob bring on fellow podcast host & Catholic psychology leader, Dr. Peter Malinoski. Dr. Malinoski is a clinical psychologist and the president and co-founder of Souls and Hearts. In this episode, Dr. Malinoski talks about the different “parts” of ourselves and the process of getting those parts into a more perfect unity. This process will help us to live the Greatest Commandment more fully because when we love ourselves, we can love our neighbor more fully. Key Points In order to fulfill the greatest commandment, we must also love ourselves We have many different “parts” of ourselves that we need to try to bring in to more perfect unity Sin fragments us The role of a therapist in helping us become more unified Turning to love in the face of challenges The process of integrating a “part” of ourselves  into the whole Building a better relationship with our self Working through self-hatred  Resources Souls and Hearts Website. Dr. Peter's work that grounds psychology and human formation in a Catholic understanding of the human person Dr. Malinowski's Podcast “Interior Integration for Catholics” Particularly Eps 71 & 73, 93, 100, 102 & 104. The show is a long-form solo podcast focused on helping Catholics come to embrace their identities as beloved, cherished little sons and daughters of God the Father and Mary our Mother. CCC 330 - http://www.scborromeo.org/ccc/para/330.htm Connect with Restore the Glory: Instagram: @restoretheglorypodcast  Twitter: @RestoreGloryPod Facebook: Restore the Glory Podcast Never miss out on an episode by hitting the subscribe button right now! Help other people find the show and grow in holiness by sharing this podcast with them individually or on your social media. Thanks! Audio editing by Forte Catholic

In this episode, Dr. Peter Malinoski guides Drew Boa through the process of unburdening sexual arousal using the internal family systems model (IFS). This type of healing experience can bring tremendous freedom from porn and unwanted sexual behavior.Disclaimer: This is what we call a demo, which is short for a demonstration. Demos are a common way for IFS therapists to practice with each other and to show others what IFS is like. Demos are not therapy or counseling. In sharing this demo, we are not trying to teach people how to do IFS on themselves or others, but rather demonstrating what the IFS model can look like in action. Unburdening protocols are taught in formal IFS Level 1 training from the IFS Institute. IFS Level 1 training is required to do unburdening protocols and to be called an IFS therapist.Clinical psychologist Dr. Peter Malinoski is president of Souls and Hearts and host of Interior Integration for Catholics, a podcast helping Catholics embrace their identities as beloved sons and daughters of God. Peter specifically addresses the topics of freedom from porn and masturbation in episodes 51-56 of his podcast. Contact Peter here.Take the Husband Material Journey... Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy Thanks for listening!

In this episode, you'll be guided through an exercise using the internal family systems model (IFS). Dr. Peter Malinoski demonstrates how to connect with your "parts"—including parts that might be attached to porn and unwanted sexual behavior.Clinical psychologist Dr. Peter Malinoski is president of Souls and Hearts and host of Interior Integration for Catholics, a podcast helping Catholics embrace their identities as beloved sons and daughters of God. Peter specifically addresses the topics of freedom from porn and masturbation in episodes 51-56 of his podcast. Contact Peter here.More IFS meditations:Healing AddictionHealing Betrayal TraumaMorning IFS Parts Check InDivine Comfort For A Hurting PartCalming Triggers With Internal Family SystemsTake the Husband Material Journey... Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy Thanks for listening!

In this episode, you'll learn why healing experiences are essential for outgrowing porn. Dr. Peter Malinoski explains how the internal family systems model (IFS) can help us heal by meeting the five attachment needs we all have. Clinical psychologist Dr. Peter Malinoski is president of Souls and Hearts and host of Interior Integration for Catholics, a podcast helping Catholics embrace their identities as beloved sons and daughters of God. Peter specifically addresses the topics of freedom from porn and masturbation in episodes 51-56 of his podcast. Contact Peter here.Five Attachment Needs:A felt sense of safety and protectionA felt sense of being seen, heard, known, and understood (attunement)A felt sense of being comforted, calmed, and reassured (soothing)A felt sense of being valued, cherished, and treasured (expressed delight)A felt sense of being supported in becoming one's own unique best self(from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller - this is a paid link)Take the Husband Material Journey... Step 1: Listen to this podcast or watch on YouTube Step 2: Join the private Husband Material Community Step 3: Take the free mini-course: How To Outgrow Porn Step 4: Try the all-in-one program: Husband Material Academy Thanks for listening!

In this episode Charbel Raish has a conversation with clinical psychologist Dr Peter Malinoski about his work as a psychologist and how his faith is an integral part of his work. Dr. Peter Malinoski is president and co-founder of Souls and Hearts, the largest and most active web outreach that grounds psychology and human formation in a Catholic understanding of the human person. He produces Interior Integration for Catholics, a long-form solo podcast focused on helping Catholics come to embrace their identities as beloved, cherished little sons and daughters of God the Father and Mary our Mother. Why?  So we can enter into a deep, intimate and personal union with our spiritual parents. How? By overcoming obstacles in the realm of psychology and human formation, problems in the natural realm that hold us back spiritually. Dr. Peter also writes a weekly reflection which is archived here. He also maintains a private practice and manages a five-acre farm. To know more about his important work visit https://www.soulsandhearts.com Join the Parousia mailing list at https://www.parousiamedia.com/mailing... Parousia is committed to proclaiming the fullness of truth! If you wish to help us in our mission with a donation please visit our website here https://www.parousiamedia.com/donate/ to learn ways that you can contribute.

AMDG.  Today we continue a conversation we started with Elizabeth Hoxie in Episode 112 on the Ignatian tenet of care for the whole person.  Far from being a trendy #selfcare fad, cura personalis captures the truth that what we do with ourselves during each day—our intellect, emotions, and bodies—forms us into the saint God wants us to be.  Through intentionality in approaching each day and recognizing that God didn't make us to be frantic, cura personalis can help us avoid the temptation to over-commit regarding some things while under-committing to others.  In this way, we can live out the reality that we are created to love and be loved, to flourish and not just to live symptom-free. With all this in mind, Elizabeth shares her concern for special needs students and gives us a glimpse of how she homeschools. Kolbecast episodes mentioned in this conversation & relevant: 112 Cura Personalis: The Intro with Elizabeth plus Therese Prudlo and Everett Buyarski 110 Choosing the Greatest Good with Matt & Erin Ingold 21 To Live Fully Alive, Elizabeth's Kolbecast debut 45 Grace Perfects Nature with Dr. Peter Malinoski and Jody Garneau 31 Veteran Homeschoolers with Kolbe staffers Jon and Chris Bates Support Kolbe Academy at no extra cost when you shop on Amazon by designating Kolbe as your intended beneficiary in the Amazon Smile program. Here's a link to set that up. Resources from Elizabeth: Family Examen: Daily Examen Storybook for Families - Catholic Sprouts The Examen Prayer: Ignatian Wisdom for Our Lives by Today by Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV And two books on Ignatian discernment: Discerning the Will of God: An Ignatian Guide to Christian Decision Making by Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV What Do You Really Want?: St. Ignatius Loyola and the Art of Discernment by Jim Manney Kolbecast episodes cover a range of topics relating to school at home, the life of faith, and Catholic education. Using the filters on our website, you can sort the episodes to find just what you're looking for. If you listen to the Kolbecast via a podcast app/player, we'd be so grateful to you for leaving a rating and review. That helps us reach more listeners. However you listen, please spread the word about the Kolbecast! What questions do you have about homeschooling, the life of faith, or the intersection of the two? Send your questions to podcast@kolbe.org and stay tuned for answers. You may hear them answered in an upcoming Kolbecast episode! Interested in Kolbe Academy's offerings? Visit kolbe.org

Summary  In this episode, Dr. Peter reviews the limitations of current Catholic resources on anger, and then reviews secular resources, including interpersonal neurobiology and the structural theory of dissociation.  We examine the role of the body in anger responses, and discuss more wholistic ways of working constructive with parts that experience anger, rather than trying to dismiss anger, suppress it or distract from it.   Lead-in William Blake, A Poison Tree: I was angry with my friends; I told my wrath, my wrath did end. I was angry with my foe: I told it not, my wrath did grow.  We've all experienced anger and we've all experienced angry people  We know it's a problem.  And global data suggest that it's getting worse.   Gallup world poll from 2021: 140 countries  Did you experience the following feelings during a lot of the day yesterday? How about anger?  17% of US respondents agreed 26% of women worldwide up from 20% from 10 years ago  20% of men -- flat from 10 years ago.   Harm can come from anger Mark Twain “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”  CCC 2302  By recalling the commandment, "You shall not kill," our Lord asked for peace of heart and denounced murderous anger and hatred as immoral. Anger is a desire for revenge. "To desire vengeance in order to do evil to someone who should be punished is illicit," but it is praiseworthy to impose restitution "to correct vices and maintain justice." If anger reaches the point of a deliberate desire to kill or seriously wound a neighbor, it is gravely against charity; it is a mortal sin. The Lord says, "Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment."   "Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment."  And who hasn't been angry -- including Jesus himself?.  We have got to unpack this There is so much misunderstanding about anger in the Catholic world, so much of the way that Catholics have approached anger has been limited, misinformed, and misguided When I think about why the Catholic Church in the US, in Canada, in Europe and Australia, in the entire Western World, there are many factors.   Brandon Vogt  New Stats on Why Young People Leave the Church  based on his book Return:  How to Draw Your Child Back to the Church One critical factor is that cradle Catholics, especially young Catholics do not believe that the Church can help them with their problems.  Diocese of Springfield Exit Surveys (2014)  68% – Spiritual needs not met67% – Lost interest over time Only 7% of Millennials raised Catholic still actively practice their faith today (weekly Mass, pray a few times each week, say their faith is “extremely” or “very” important) 6.5 people leave the Catholic Church for every one that joins 66% of “nones” agree that “religion causes more problems than it solves” That's why so many fall away from the Faith.  The Church doesn't seem relevant to them because she doesn't seem like she has the answers to the real issues they face. 10% of American adults are former Catholics Nearly half of those who fall away from the Church become "nones"  And another quarter become Evangelical Christians.   79% of former Catholics leave the Church before age 23.   50% of Millennials raised Catholic no longer identify as Catholic today  And it's about topics like anger -- we are not doing a good job meeting the needs that Catholics have today, human formation needs.   Intro I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, a.k.a. Dr. Peter, clinical psychologist, trauma therapist, podcaster, blogger, cofounder and president of Souls and Hearts -- but most of all I am a beloved little son of God, a passionate Catholic who wants to help you to taste and see the height and depth and breadth and warmth and the light of the love of God, especially God the Father and  Mary our Mother, our spiritual parents, our primary parents.  To really absorb your identity as a little child of God and Mary.   I want you to enter much more deeply into an intimate, personal, loving relationship with the three Persons of the Trinity and with our Lady. That is what this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast is all about, that is what Souls and Hearts is all about – all about shoring up the natural foundation for the spiritual life of intimacy with God, all about overcoming the natural human formation deficits and obstacles to contemplative union with God our Father and our Lady, our Mother  We are on an adventure of love together. And one thing, one major, big, huge thing that gets in the way of being loved by God and Mary and loving in return is anger.  Anger.   This is Episode 103 of Interior Integration for Catholics.  Interior Integration for Catholics is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach, check us out at soulsandhearts.com.   Anger: one of the seven deadly sins, one the lethal vices that can kill your soul.  Anger.   So much confusion about anger.  The Burden of Anger:  June 10, 2021 Catholic-daily-reflections.com The first level of sin is simply to be “angry” interiorly. The sin of anger is an interior attitude of disgust toward another. Jesus says that the consequence of having anger toward another is that you will be “liable to judgment.” Humility.  I could be wrong.    The offerings from Five Catholic writers on anger are a case in point.   The most popular book Fr. T.G. Morrow, Overcoming Sinful Anger  303 Amazon Review, mostly positive, #16  on the list of bestsellers in Catholic Theology, put out by Sophia Press in 2015 And it's not very good.  I can't recommend it.   First off, Fr. Morrow admits that he doesn't understand why people get angry We've all encountered people who explode when they feel angry. It baffles me how often the sort of anger rears its ugly head in marriages – even in allegedly Christian marriages. (p. 9).   I am often surprised to discover Christians who pray ardently, receive the sacraments regularly, we've and attend Mass daily, and yet have an anger problem. (p. 10) Presumes a homogeneous, single personality.   Easy to explain with part.   Why do people explode in anger? There are many reasons, but I think the top three are power and control, a refusal to take responsibility, and habit. (p. 13). Very simplistic view of psychology, and no consideration of neurology, traumatology,  Confusion about the causal chain in anger.  Where anger fits in a sequence of events  Little genuine interest in anger.  Anger is something to essentially get rid of.   Not much consideration of the unconscious and unconscious anger.  Acknowledges that suppressing anger is problematic, but there still is an assumption that if I'm not feeling anger, it's not there.  Disconnect.   "Irrational anger"   Very focused on the will and will training -- naïve assumptions about sympathetic arousal. Nike Spirituality -- Just do it.   Romans 7:15:  I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.   Spiritual Bypassing  Definitions John Welwood: American clinical psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher, and author, known for integrating psychological and spiritual concepts  Using “spiritual ideas, words and practices to sidestep or avoid personal, emotional ‘unfinished business,' to shore up a shaky sense of self, or to belittle basic needs, feelings, psychological wounds and developmental tasks.”  Blogger Rose Hahn:  Spiritual Bypassing: What It Is & How To Avoid It  Bypassing occurs when spiritual ideals get elevated to the realm of absolute truth in such a way that our real, lived experience is somehow denied. Rather than doing the work of healing deep wounds, we may use these ideals to deny, devalue, or avoid meeting our more human needs – such as emotional bonding, love, and esteem. In other words, rather than risk opening ourselves to real human connection, and possibly get hurt, we adopt a more enlightened, spiritual way of relating to the world that doesn't rely on human relationship.  Not a lot from a specifically Catholic perspective, but this is from Katharina, who styles herself "The Bohemian Catholic" We are supposed to uplift each other, and treat each other with love and respect - like icons of Christ, as God's creation… BUT if you find yourself trying to tell someone that their faith should keep them "happy" all the time, then you aren't helping them.  Using spiritual words, spiritual means, spiritual concepts -- all to whitewash or put a Band-Aid on significant psychological or emotional problems in the natural realm  Bypassing the natural realm and going to the spiritual realm.   Essentially saying -- You should not feel this way.  Which is what Fr. Morrow is saying.  He promises to "I will offer some ideas, which I consider quite novel, on how to avoid angry explosions." (p.4) Tips So, as a first step in overcoming passive-aggressive anger keep reminding yourself that you want to be a Christian, and therefore you can't take revenge anymore. (p. 9).  First, take the time to calm down and figure out why you're angry…. One of the tactics often recommended is to count to ten before deciding what to do. (p. 20).  Better still, say a short prayer before acting. The next step is to ask yourself if your angry feeling is been caused by something significant. Most angry fights in marriage are caused by trifling things. (p. 20).  Or perhaps use humor to make your point.(p. 20).  Offering your angry feeling as a sacrifice is not suppressing it but doing something with it. It is making a bad situation into a beneficial one. That is what it means to embrace the cross. (p. 23-24).  If we can forgive others, we can pull the rug out from beneath our anger most of the time. Unforgiveness is the main culprit behind anger. (p. 25).  … Refocus your thoughts away from the things that made you angry to some very positive thoughts. For example, thank God for the beautiful weather for the ability to read or buy things you need. (p. 30).  I often encourage people with an anger problem to daily for humility. It works. (p. 36).  Chapter 7: Thanking God, praising God  Consider your future. One key way to change her behaviors to work on in your mind just what your life will be like if you don't change your angry behavior. (pp. 72-73)  If you struggle with an anger problem write on an index card all the negatives of continuing your anger and read that list several times a day. (p. 74).   Fr. Joseph Esper, Saintly Solutions to Life's Common Problems  99 reviews on amazon.  #138 in Roman Catholicism.  2001 Book -- First Chapter is on anger.   St. Thomas of Villanova: "Dismiss all anger and look into yourself a little." (p. 7) "St. Francis de Sales advises that, to avoid the sin of anger, you must quickly ask God to give peace to your heart when you're angered and then turn your thoughts to something else. Don't discuss the matter at hand or make decisions or correct other person while you're angry. When a person angers you, St. Francis advises, consider the person's good qualities rather than the words or actions you find objectionable." (p. 7) When we have to speak to someone with whom we are angry, we should first pray for the Lord's guidance and help. It's often more effective to speak in terms of asking favors, rather than making demands or giving orders…" (p. 5-6) ...rehearse possible responses and evaluate which ones which might help you. (p. 7) Tommy Tighe St. Dymphna's Playbook: A Catholic Guide to Finding Mental and Emotional Well-Being 2021 book,  #57 in Christian Pastoral Counseling, 66 reviews, mostly positive.   Doesn't discuss anger.  Discusses irritability as a symptom of depression and resentment as a problem in relationships "However, the more I have experienced depression in my own life and in my work as a clinician, the more I have seen the symptoms of irritability and anger is predominant features of depression." (p. 13).  That's one way, not the only way.   So often depression results from  Recommendations "…go for a walk, take some time to meditate, watch or read something that lightens our mood. (p. 13)  "Keeping a diary of our emotions and reactions to those emotions is a great place to start… Look back on a situation, slow it down, and examine what exactly happened….We might ask ourselves: What is it that has led to my irritability? Is it because I'm depressed and trying to stuff that feeling down rather than address it? What am I thinking in that situation? (p. 15).  "We draw this all out on paper, examine what was really behind our emotional response, and then explore ways of thinking that will restructure our reactions and response. And we write these down! Simply thinking about these things isn't going to help. The whole point is to get them out of our head and onto paper so that we can work them out. Consider it an emotional "show your work" kind of exercise." (p. 15).  Then, after a really brief introspective process, we can catch that the real reason for our irritability is our depressed mood, and we can interject coping skills for depression to stave off our irritability. (p. 16).  Changing the focus of our thinking is key when we try to battle against depression and irritability that inevitably rears its ugly head. You've probably heard people suggest keeping a gratitude list to help you feel more positive, much along the same lines as St. Paul's advice. It works. (p. 18).   Steps in the process Visualize yourself from the perspective of compassionate observer.  Notice from the outside whole feelings xare upsetting you and how they are reflected in your appearance.  Try to let the warm feeling of compassion and desire to help arise within you.  Say to yourself: "It is understandable that you feel that way. You are experiencing a natural response to depressing thoughts. But I'm going to help you."  Visualize putting your hand on your shoulder or hugging yourself to soothe and comfort yourself. Give yourself a friendly smile.  Think about if there are other things you want to tell yourself that would energize and encourage you to cheer up.  Taking time to say those things. When you feel it is appropriate, begin saying goodbye to yourself and remind yourself that you come back anytime you want. (p. 16-17). For resentment: Active listening  Tommy Tighe: to fend off resentment, we have to communicate with things are important to us and why. We can't expect our partner to read her mind. We have to tell them the things we value, what things we have grown to expect in relationships because of our past experiences and we have to tell them why. (p 113)   Rhonda Chevrin Taming the Lion Within: 5 Steps from Anger to Peace 2017  16 ratings  is a Catholic author, international speaker and Professor of Philosophy. She is the author of over 60 books concerning the matters of Catholic thought, practice and spirituality,  Take a secure thought -- use your imagination to think of ways out of annoying or enraging situations   Avoid exceptionality.  Accept the averageMove your musclesHumor is your best friendF.I.S.T.  Feelings, Impulses, Sensations, Thoughts:  What it signifies is that we can control our immediate impulses and sensations when hurt or frustrated, but if we control our thoughts we can control her impulses.Put your mental health firstPeace over power:  Many times you can't win, and it doesn't matter if you lose.  It's not worth the effort to put up a fight.  They are not doing it to you; they're just doing it! – Much is not done on purposeNot a 911  Not everything is an emergency,.Be Group minded Anger at GodForgiveness  Fr. Spitzer Angry with God? Here's Fr. Spitzer's Advice on How to Overcome Anger God understands your anger.  Don't dwell on it.  Don't go there.   Choose instead to: Three step process in the YouTube clip Angry with God:   Stop comparing to the way you once were.   Stop comparing yourself to others.   Stop having expectations for your suffering.   Offer it up.  Stop the questioning.   Saints' behaviors  Meg Hunter-Kilmer - published on 09/28/17Aleteia September 28, 2017, What We Probably Don't Know about St. Jerome Is Just What We Need to Know St. Jerome was known to carry around a stone that he would hit himself with every time he lost his temper.     If these are helpful to you, great.  I don't want to put up roadblocks.  Might be helpful to many people.   As a Catholic psychologist, I am not comfortable recommending any of these Catholic sources Very simplistic view of psychology, and no consideration of neurology, traumatology,  Confusion about the causal chain in anger.  Where anger fits in a sequence of events  Little genuine interest in anger.  Anger is something to essentially get rid of.   Very focused on the will and will training -- naïve assumptions about sympathetic arousal.  And they don't get that anger has a protective function -- to protect us against shame.  Not one of those sources connects anger to shame.  And that's the primary connection we need to understand if we want to resolve anger, not just try to shoo it away.   What are we talking about when we discuss anger -- let's get into definitions of Anger Focused on vengeance secondary to a desire -- more than an emotion.   Written discussions of anger in the western canon go back as far as fourth-century BC in Greece when the philosopher Aristotle (384-322 B.C.) argued that anger is a rational and natural reaction to being offended and thus is closely associated with reason. In the Rhetoric (1991, p. 1380) he defined anger as “a belief that we, or our friends, have been unfairly slighted, which causes in us both painful feelings and a desire or impulse for revenge.” 1907 Catholic Encyclopedia:  Anger:  The desire of vengeance. Its ethical rating depends upon the quality of the vengeance and the quantity of the passion. When these are in conformity with the prescriptions of balanced reason, anger is not a sin. It is rather a praiseworthy thing and justifiable with a proper zeal. It becomes sinful when it is sought to wreak vengeance upon one who has not deserved it, or to a greater extent than it has been deserved, or in conflict with the dispositions of law, or from an improper motive. The sin is then in a general sense mortal as being opposed to justice and charity. It may, however, be venial because the punishment aimed at is but a trifling one or because of lack of full deliberation.  Likewise, anger is sinful when there is an undue vehemence in the passion itself, whether inwardly or outwardly. Ordinarily it is then accounted a venial sin unless the excess be so great as to go counter seriously to the love of God or of one's neighbor.   CCC 2302  By recalling the commandment, "You shall not kill," our Lord asked for peace of heart and denounced murderous anger and hatred as immoral. Anger is a desire for revenge. "To desire vengeance in order to do evil to someone who should be punished is illicit," but it is praiseworthy to impose restitution "to correct vices and maintain justice." If anger reaches the point of a deliberate desire to kill or seriously wound a neighbor, it is gravely against charity; it is a mortal sin. The Lord says, "Everyone who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment."  Contradiction that aggression (or vengeance) and anger have to go together  Lot of research to tease about anger and aggression: Ephesians 4:26:  Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger   APA Dictionary of Psychology: an emotion characterized by tension and hostility arising from frustration, real or imagined injury by another, or perceived injustice. It can manifest itself in behaviors designed to remove the object of the anger (e.g., determined action) or behaviors designed merely to express the emotion (e.g., swearing). Anger is distinct from, but a significant activator of, aggression, which is behavior intended to harm someone or something. Despite their mutually influential relationship, anger is neither necessary nor sufficient for aggression to occur.  Psychologist Paul Ekman. (1999). Basic emotions. In T. Dalgleish & M. J. Power (Eds.), Handbook of cognition and emotion (pp. 45–60). John Wiley & Sons Ltd  Due to its distinct and widely recognizable pattern of face expression, anger has always been included in the repertoire of basic emotions.   Benefits of Anger  Farzaneh Pahlavan Multiple Facets of Anger: Getting Mad or Restoring Justice?  Chapter 3:  The Neurobiology of RAGE and Anger & Psychiatric Implications with a Focus on Depression Daniel J. Guerra1, Valentina Colonnello and Jaak Panksepp As a basic emotion, anger emerges early in life and has a unique adaptive function in motivating, organizing, and regulating behavior. No other emotion can match the consistency and vigor of anger in mobilizing high-level energy and sustaining goal-directed activity. Anger serves a variety of regulatory functions in physiological and psychological processes related to self-defense as well as to interpersonal and societal behaviors. Through socialization processes, it plays an important role in the development of personality and individual differences in responding to environmental challenges, which can be more or less adaptive.  (p. v).   Aristotle:  Aristotle: Nichomachean Ethics: It is easy to fly into a passion – anybody can do that – but to be angry with the right person into the right extent and at the right time and with the right object in the right way – that is not easy, and it is not everyone who can do it  In themselves passions are neither good nor evil. They are morally qualified only to the extent that they effectively engage reason and will….It belongs to the perfection of the moral or human good that the passions be governed by reason. CCC 1767  CCMMP: Catholic-Christian Meta-Model of the Person  DMU Paul Vitz, William Nordling, Paul Craig Titus.    p. (294)  to remain in the virtuous middle ground requires being disposed to a righteous anger that will stand up to injustice, and use a good measure of anger in ways that are corrective of the evil, preventive of further injustice, and indicative of a balance to mean between extremes. Emotions are good when, as reactions antecedent to reasoning, they make us conscious of reality and prepare us for a more complete reaction and moral action. Emotion and choice then serve moral flourishing (e.g., when we have an appropriate spontaneous reaction of anger at injustice). Second, emotions are good as felt reactions that also follow the intellectual evaluation of the situation. Emotions can be expressive of rational decisions. Emotions can thus participate in our life of reason and will (Gondreau, 2013). For example, when we choose to rectify and injustice, a balanced expression of anger can help us to act decisively will being restrained enough that we do not overreact. Through a righteous or just expression of anger, we entered rectify injustice, will finding a just and rational mean between excessively weak or exceedingly strong emotional displays. (p. 650). Emotions are viewed as informing people about their cares and concerns. To prepare the body for action, directing our thoughts to ways that will appropriately address the issues at hand. They can signal and manipulate other people in ways that suit the person's emotional needs (Parrott, 2001). Being disconnected from emotional experience, therefore, means being cut off from adaptive information (Pos et al., 2003). (pp. 650-651). Digression into justification of secular sources Question may arise, "OK, Dr. Peter, as you already noted, anger has been recognized for a long time, going all the way back to Aristotle and way before that in Sacred Scripture.  You emphasize that you are a Catholic psychologist, so why are you even looking at these secular sources like the American Psychological Association? There is a lot about anger in Scripture, in the Church Fathers and the saints about anger in the spiritual life.   Discalced Carmelite Abbott Marc Foley in his excellent book The Context of Holiness: Psychological and Spiritual Reflections on the Life of St. Therese of Lisieux "One…misconception is that the spiritual life is an encapsulated sphere, cloistered from the realities of daily living….we have only one life composed of various dimensions.  Our emotional life, intellectual life, social life, work life, sex life, spiritual life are simple ways of speaking of the different facets of our one life.  (p. 1).  We have one life.  One life.  We don't have a spiritual life that is separate from our emotional life.  We have one life.  If we are angry, that affects our whole life.   The Church herself encourages us to look to all branches of knowledge and glean what is best from them in order to live our one life better.  From the CCC, paragraph 159  "Though faith is above reason, there can never be any real discrepancy between faith and reason. Since the same God who reveals mysteries and infuses faith has bestowed the light of reason on the human mind, God cannot deny himself, nor can truth ever contradict truth." "Consequently, methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific manner and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God. The humble and persevering investigator of the secrets of nature is being led, as it were, by the hand of God in spite of himself, for it is God, the conserver of all things, who made them what they are." And from the Vatican II document, the Pastoral Constitution of the Church in the Modern World, paragraph 62 reads:  In pastoral care, sufficient use must be made not only of theological principles, but also of the findings of the secular sciences, especially of psychology and sociology, so that the faithful may be brought to a more adequate and mature life of faith. Remember that we are embodied beings -- we are composites of a soul and a body. The 17th Century Philosopher Rene Descartes' popularized what is called mind-body dualism.  Mind-body dualism is the idea that the body and the mind operate in separate spheres, and neither can be assimilated into the other.  And that is false.  Demonstrably false in a lot of ways, be we so often assume it to be true.  We have one life.   In the last several years we are realizing just how much of our mental life and our psychological well-being is linked in various ways to our neurobiology -- the ways that our nervous systems function.  And the relationship between our embodied brain and our minds is reciprocal -- each affects the other in complex ways that we are just beginning to understand.  In other words, brain chemistry affects our emotional states.  And our emotional states and our behaviors affect brain chemistry.  It's not just our minds and it's not just our bodies and it's not just our souls -- it's all of those, all of what makes me who I am, body, mind, soul, spirit, all of it.   And since Scripture, the Early Church Fathers, the Catechism and so on are silent on neurobiology, neurochemistry, neurophysiology and so many other areas that impact our minds and our well-being, as a Catholic psychologist I am going to look elsewhere, I'm going to look into secular sources.  I just don't think it's reasonable to expect the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops or the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in the Vatican to be experts in these areas -- it's not their calling, it's not their expertise.  St. John of the Cross in his  Prologue of Ascent of Mt. Carmel: "I will not rely on experience or science…[but] I will not neglect whatever possible use I can make of them.  Fr. Marc Foley, OCD : The Context of Holiness:  As St. Thomas wrote of St. Augustine's use of Platonic philosophy in the Summa: "whenever Augustine, who was imbued with the doctrines of the Platonists, found in their teaching anything consistent with the faith, he adopted it and those things which he found contrary to the faith he amended." (ST I, q. 84,a. 5) p.4 And St. Thomas himself drew on so much of Aristotle's thought in his writings, bringing it into his body of work.   Abbot Marc Foley.  In short, we should never swallow the school of thought whole; we should sift the wheat from the chaff, separate truth from falsehood. p.4 We want the best from all sources.   Emphasis on biological processes:   From Heidi Crockett Anger Management with Interpersonal Neurobiology  Discussed Interpersonal Neurobiology at length in  Episode 92 of this podcast Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB In interpersonal neurobiology, anger as an emotion is viewed from the perspective of cognitive neuroscience. And cognitive neuroscience states that cognition and emotion are dynamically combined with physical arousal. When anger is induced as an emotion in humans, it can unconsciously affect physiological and neural resources. Affective states of anger are subsequently expressed in the brain as well as the body, and these neural and physiological changes can influence the cognitive processes. Many studies and resources have been expended on studying the emotions of happiness, sadness, and fear, which align with psychopathological states of hypomania, depression, and anxiety. Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon, Onno van der Hart:  Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach:  Anger is an affect to derived from activation of the sympathetic nervous system, geared to energize the body for maximum effort to fend off perceived danger. Psychologically, it protects from awareness of vulnerability and lack of control, and therefore from shame. And fight mode, we are all primed to perceive cues of danger rather than cues of safety and relational connection. In such a heightened state of arousal, it is easy to misunderstand the intentions of others. (p.332). Polyvagal theory and anger  A critical period for experience-dependent development of the feelings of safety during early infancy: A polyvagal perspective on anger and psychometric tools to assess perceived safety  Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience July 2022 article   Andrea Poli, Angelo Gemignani, Carlo Chiorri and Mario Miccoli Brief primer here on some neurology.  Don't worry.  I will keep it simple.   Neurons are specialized cells that receive and send signals to other cells through fragile and thin cellular extensions called axons. Myelination:   a membrane or a sheath around the axons on neurons.   Myelinated axons often have a larger diameter Myelinated axons are insulated Myelination allows for much faster transmission of electric impulses Presence of safety during the critical period (first year of life).   Decreased unmyelinated/myelinated cardioinhibitory fibers ratio in adulthood Ventral Vagal complex is able to have a greater impact on reducing the Sympathetic Nervous System arousal -- decreasing anger  VVC is able to have a greater impact on reducing Dorsal Vagal Complex fear and shutdown responses -- the freeze response.   Greater capacity for self-regulation.   Absence of safety during the critical period  Increased unmyelinated/myelinated cardioinhibitory fibers ratio in adulthood Ventral Vagal complex has a lesser impact on reducing the Sympathetic Nervous System arousal -- less able to decrease sympathetic arousal, including anger  VVC has a lesser impact on reducing Dorsal Vagal Complex fear and shutdown responses -- less able to reduce the freeze response.   Less capacity for self-regulation.   Dampened VVC activity reduces the capacity of adaptive inhibition of SNS and DVC (Dorsal Vagal Complex), and emotional self-regulation. Hence, environmental detection of unsafety cues may preferentially trigger SNS-mediated anger in order to avoid DVC-mediated immobilization with fear. Young children exposed to five or more significant adverse experiences in the first three years of childhood face a 76% likelihood of having one or more delays in their language, emotional or brain development. (6) As the number of traumatic events experienced during childhood increases, the risk for the following health problems in adulthood increases: depression; alcoholism; drug abuse; suicide attempts; heart and liver diseases; pregnancy problems; high stress; uncontrollable anger; and family, financial, and job problems. (6) 7 ways childhood adversity changes a child's brain Donna Jackson Nakazawa Acestoohigh.com website September 8, 2016 Epigenetic Shifts  gene methylation, in which small chemical markers, or methyl groups, adhere to the genes involved in regulating our stress response, and prevent these genes from doing their jobs.  Size and Shape of the Brain stress releases a hormone that actually shrinks the size of the hippocampus, an area of our brain responsible for processing emotion and memory and managing stress.  Chronic neuroinflammation can lead to changes that reset the tone of the brain for life   Brain connectivity:  Dr. Ryan Herringa, neuropsychiatrist and assistant professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Wisconsin, found that children and teens who'd experienced chronic childhood adversity showed weaker neural connections between the prefrontal cortex and the hippocampus. Girls also displayed weaker connections between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. The prefrontal-cortex-amygdala relationship plays an essential role in determining how emotionally reactive we're likely to be to the things that happen to us in our day-to-day life, and how likely we are to perceive these events as stressful or dangerous. Including anger.   Wiring of the brain and nervous system matter -- they matter a lot Brain activation in anger  Distinct Brain Areas involved in Anger versus Punishment during Social Interactions  Olga M. Klimecki, David Sander & Patrik Vuilleumier Scientific Reports 2018. 25 men fMRI study anger induced in an in inequality game designed to be unfair.   In the present study, we found that the intensity of experienced anger when seeing the face of the unfair other was parametrically related to activations in amygdala, STS (superior temporal sulcus), and fusiform gyrus (related to facial recognition). The STS has been shown to produce strong responses when subjects perceive stimuli in research areas that facial recognition   Farzaneh Pahlavan Multiple Facets of Anger: Getting Mad or Restoring Justice?  Chapter 3:  The Neurobiology of RAGE and Anger & Psychiatric Implications with a Focus on Depression Daniel J. Guerra1, Valentina Colonnello and Jaak Panksepp Rage emerges when specific environmental stimuli arouse the neural circuitry of the RAGE system. Even if the anger-thoughts and the related expression are modulated and regulated by higher cortico-cognitive areas, the human basic circuitry of anger is still subcortical. Since the early description of rage in decorticated cats (Dusser De Barenne, 1920) and dogs (Rothmann, 1923) and their responses to inoffensive stimuli, it was clear that the rage expression is i) dependent on subcortical areas, i.e. the ancient regions play a crucial role more than the higher neocortical regions; ii) independent of an intact cortex. p. 11  Among the higher limbic regions of this network, the medial nucleus, the basal complex, and central and lateral nuclei of the amygdala play a key role in the modulation of RAGE.  p. 1   All this happens far away from the frontal cortex in the limbic system of your brain.   Kathy Steele, Suzette Boon, Onno van der Hart:  Treating Trauma-Related Dissociation: A Practical, Integrative Approach   Why of Chronic anger.   Anger is the primary emotion of the "fight" defense.  When (parts of) the patient become stuck in this defense, anger becomes chronic.  Thus, the first intervention is safety.  332 As long as a fight reaction remains unresolved, anger will remain chronic. (p.332).  Almost no one seems to understands that anger is a defense against fear and shame.  It's a way of trying to protect oneself.   There are several reasons that anger and hostility become chronic in dissociative patients. First, patients typically have been severely invalidated, ignored, heard, betrayed, and sometimes even tortured over extended periods of time, while helpless to stop it. In itself, this is enough to generate enormous rage in anyone as part of the naturally occurring fight defense. Second, as children, patients often had little to no help in learning how to regulate and appropriately express normal anger, much less how to cope with it. Often it was unacceptable for many patients to express any kind of anger as children, while the adults around them were uncontained and highly destructive with their anger. Others had no limit set on their angry behaviors. (p. 330). Angry dissociative parts are feared and avoided internally by most other parts, particularly those that function in daily life. After all, angry behaviors toward self and others may interfere with functioning in a variety of personal and social ways. An ongoing vicious cycle of rage and shame ensues internally: the more patients avoid their angry and destructive dissociative parts, the angry these parts become, and the more they shame other parts and are shamed by them. (p. 331). … Angry parts have a deep shame and are highly defended against the strong belief that they are very bad. Their defense is reinforced by the shame of patients that such parts of themselves even exist. These parts of the patient are terrified of attachment to the therapist and you the relationship is dangerous, mainly because they are afraid that the therapist will never accept them. (p. 331-332). Whether the anger is part of a fight response or not, it is often a secondary emotion that protects the patient from feelings of sadness, extreme powerlessness, shame, guilt, and loss. (p. 333).  (add grief) Parts of the patient that developed  controlling-punitive strategies will be angry with others to get what they need,  while those that have controlling-caregiving strategies will punish themselves for being angry or having needs. (p. 333).  This is often the case in hostile parts such as those of self-injure or encourage other parts to self-harm, prostitute themselves, abuse drugs or alcohol, or engage in other self-destructive behaviors. They are often stuck in destructive and harmful behaviors that are an "attack self" defense against shame. (p.333). Finally, the rage of the perpetrator is often an embodied experience from which patients cannot yet escape without sufficient realization and further integration. Some dissociative parts imitate perpetrators internally, repeating the family dynamics from the past with other parts in a rather literal way. (p.333). "Getting the anger out" is not really useful, as the problem is that the patient needs to learn how to effectively express anger verbally rather than physically, and in socially appropriate and contained ways, so the patient can be heard by others. It is less the fact that patients express anger, but how they do so and whether that expression allows him to remain grounded in the present, to retain important relationships, and to avoid being self-destructive. (p. 334). Expression of anger is not necessarily therapeutic in itself. It is how (parts of) the patient experience and express it that is important; whether it is within a window of tolerancex in a socially appropriate and safe. Therapist must learn when expression of anger is therapeutic and when containment of anger is more helpful. (p. 334). Working with anger an angry parts (p.335). Take the time to educate the patient as a whole about the functions of anger and angry parts. Although they may seem like "troublemakers," they can be understood as attempting to solve problems with ineffective or insufficient tools.  Encourage all parts of the patient understand, accept, and listen to angry parts, instead of avoiding them.  Make efforts to understand what provokes angry parts. There are many potential triggers.   Not direct quotes Do all parts feel the same way as the angry part?  If not, can those parts listen to and accept angry parts perspective?  Would the angry part be willing to listen to the other internal perspectives?  Invite other parts to watch and listen if possible.  Can set limits with the angry part  the angry part and all parts need to learn that healthy relationships do not include punishment, humiliation, or force  Use titration, helping the person experienced as a small amount of anger will remain grounded in the present   Parts and imitate a perpetrator often literally experience themselves in our experienced by other parts as the actual perpetrator. Thus they understandably induce fear and shame within a patient as a whole, and sometimes fearing the therapist. (p. 345). The functions of perpetrator-imitating parts are (1) protect the patient against threats of the perpetrator, which continue to be experienced as real in the present; (2) defend the patient against unbearable realizations of being helpless and powerless as a child, (3) re-enact traumatic memories from the perspective of the perpetrator, as mentalize by the child; (4) serve as a defense against shame through attacking the patient and avoiding inner experiences of shame; (5) provide an outlet for the patient's disowned sadistic and punitive tendencies; and (6) hold unbearable traumatic memories. (p. 346). Suzette Boon, Kathy Steele, Onno van der Hart 2011 book  Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation: Skills Training for Patients and Therapists Destructive expressions of anger include persistent revenge fantasies or actions, hurting self or others, "taking it out" on innocent people (or animals), or destruction of property. (p. 265).  Dissociative parts of a person that are stuck in anger may experience this feeling as vehement and overwhelming, often without words. They may have irresistible urges to act aggressively and have great difficulty thinking and reflecting on their feelings before acting. Angry parts have not learned how to experience or express anger and helpful ways. There are two types of anger dissociative parts. The first are parts that are stuck in a defensive fight mode, ready to protect you. Their anger at original injustices may be legitimate and naturally accompanies a tendency to strike out and fight, which is an essential survival strategy. However, such parts have become stuck in anger, unable to experience much else. They rigidly perceived threat and ill-will everywhere and they react with anger and aggression as their only option of response. Although these parts of you may not yet realize it, anger is often a protection against vulnerable feelings of shame, fear, hurt, despair, powerlessness, and loss. The second type of angry part may seem very much like the original perpetrator. They imitate those who hurt them in the past, and they can be experienced internally as the actual perpetrator. This experience can be particularly frightening, disorienting, and shameful. But be assured this is a very common way of dealing with being traumatized. In fact, although these parts may have some similarities to those who hurt you, they also significant differences: they are parts of you as a whole person, who is trying to cope with unresolved traumatic experiences. (p. 267)   Tips for coping with anger (p, 269 to 271) recognize how to make distinctions among the many gradations of anger, from mild irritation to rage, so that you can intervene more rapidly.  Understand your tells around anger, which may include a tight or tense feeling in your body, clenched jaw's or fists, feeling flushed or shaky, breathing heavily, heart racing, a feeling of heat, a surge of energy.  Empathize with her angry parts, recognizing they have very limited coping skills, and very limited vision. They've been shunned by other parts, left alone with their hurt, fear, shame, in isolation. This does not mean you have to accept their impulses toward inappropriate behavior  Once you start feeling some compassion toward these parts you can begin to communicate with them, listening with an intention, with curiosity to understand what lies underneath the anger  Angry parts have a strength, that they could transferred to use and more positive ways  Become more curious about why anger is happening.  Try creative and healthy nonverbal ways of expressing your anger, such as writing, drawing, painting, making a collage  Physical exercise may help as an outlet for the physical energy generated by the physiology of anger  Work on understanding your anger, by reflecting on it, rather than just experiencing it, being immersed in it. You might imagine observing yourself from a distance, and getting curious about why you feel the way you do.  Give yourself a time-out, that is, walk away from the situation if you're getting too angry. Counseling to 10, or even 200 before you say or do something you might regret later.  Calm breathing may help  Listen to each part of you, about what might help that part with anger. You can have in her conversations with parts of yourself about anger and how to express it. Small and safe ways to express anger can be negotiated that are agreeable to all parts of you  Watch safe people in your life and seal they handle their own anger. Do they accept being angry? Are they are respectful and appropriate with her anger? Are there particular strategies that they use that you could practice for yourself?  Healthy anger can get positive strength and energy. It can help you be appropriately assertive, set clear boundaries, and confront wrongs in the world. Anger can pave the way to other emotions, leading to the resolution relational conflicts.  We learn the most common triggers of your anger. Once you learn these triggers, you can be more aware when they occur and more able to prevent an automatic reaction of anger. Establish intercommunication among parts of yourself to recognize triggers and negotiate possible helpful strategies to cope with them rather than just reacting.  You can try allowing yourself to experience just a small amount of anger from another part of yourself: a drop, a teaspoon, 1% or 2%. In exchange you can share with angry parts feelings of calm and safety.  Inner safe spaces can be very helpful for childlike parts that feel terrified   My parts Feisty Part-- defends against shame -- Melancholio.   Good Boy  Challenger  Creative-distracting me.   Closing Mark your calendars.  Next Live Experience of the IIC podcast will be on Friday, January 13, 2023 from 2:00 PM to 3:00 PM Eastern time on Zoom (repeat) -- All about Anger -- dealing with your anger.  Going beyond what books can do.  Experiential exercise.  Links to register have gone out in our emailed Wednesday Reflections.  Can get the link on the IIC landing page as well, SoulsandHearts.com/iic  December 28, 2022  Reflection at soulsandhearts.com/blog  From Rejecting to Embracing Aging Reach out to me Crisis@soulsandhearts.com  Conversation hours:  cell is 317.567.9594 conversation hours 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time Every Tuesday and Thursday.   Resilient Catholic Community -- you do not have to be alone.   Why a deep intimate personal relationship with God our Father, Mary our Mother -- spiritual parents   By claiming our identity as beloved daughters and sons of God the Father and Mary our Mother. Identity is freely given.   How By dealing with the natural level issues we have, the human formation issues we have that have spiritual consequences.  Grace perfects nature  So many spiritual problems have their roots in the natural realm, in human formation.   If this kind of exercise is helpful to you, we have nearly 100 of them in the Resilient Catholics Community.   120 Catholics like you already on board, already on the pilgrimage -- just had 47 apply for the December 2022 cohort, excited to get to know our new applicants.   Closed December 31 -- wait list should be up soon for the June 2023 Cohort.   Get to know your own parts Get to love your own parts If interested, contact me.   Crisis@soulsandhearts.com 317.567.9594 conversation hours 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time Every Tuesday and Thursday.    

Summary:  In this episode, Dr. Peter brings together what we have been learning about receiving love in the story of Susanna Lead-in:  There is something in us, as storytellers and as listeners to stories, that demands the redemptive act, that demands that what falls at least be offered the chance to be restored. The reader of today looks for this motion, and rightly so, but what he has forgotten is the cost of it. His sense of evil is diluted or lacking altogether, and so he has forgotten the price of restoration. When he reads a novel, he wants either his sense tormented or his spirits raised. He wants to be transported, instantly, either to mock damnation or a mock innocence.”  Catholic Novelist Flannery O'Connor Intro.   I have been doing a lot of podcast lecturing.  Dense programming, lots of information.  Like Episode 99.  Not a bad thing.  But I want you to really take in what I'm offering at a bones level.  To possess it at the felt level, to be that familiar with it.  Not just head knowledge.  Whole self knowledge.   So I am going back to another way of learning, one I haven't emphasized enough.  Stories.  Today, I am going to tell you a story.  A story about receiving different kinds of love.  Why? Here's why.  In the words of Edward Miller tells us.  “Stories are our primary tools of learning and teaching, the repositories of our lore and legends. They bring order into our confusing world." Our primary tools for teaching and learning.  And it's true.  We teach our children in their earliest years through stories and experiences.  Not through lectures.   I am Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic, co-founder and president of Souls and Hearts and soulsandhearts.com, and I am very pleased to with you as  your host and guide in this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, episode 101 to be your storyteller, to tell you a story.  This episode is titled A Story about Receiving Different Kinds of Love -- a story we can all related to.   Prepping for the Story  Ways to Listen Listen to the Story  Listening to yourself as you listen to the Story.   What is going on inside Listen to your own parts Can pause the audio  Reflective space  What are your noticing  What are you resonating with in the story, what is impacting you.?  What are you rejecting   Parts -- Episode 71 A new and better way of understanding myself and others.   Needs  Primary Conditions for Secure Attachment Felt sense of safety and protection -- have to go through the valley of shame, fear, anger, grief  Feeling seen, heard, known and understood -- have to tolerating being in relationship, being present.   Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured  Feeling cherished, treasured, delighted in  Feeling the other has your best interests at heart   Integrity Needs My need to exist and survive  My need to matter  My need to have agency  My need to be good  My need for mission and purpose in life   Resistance to Being Loved from IIC 99  Limited vision and lack of imagination, leading to a refusal to be transformed by God We don't understand God's love The Costs of Being Loved by God Poor God images Poor Self images -- Shame Refusal to be vulnerable, to be exposed, to be revealed to God.  Lack of courage. Anger at God -- rebellion Cautions -- could be evocative for you -- parts of you may really connect in various ways.  I want you to take care of your self and your parts as you listen to the story.  If you need a break, take a break.   The Story -- Hero's Journey outline  The Ordinary World Susanna -- 40 year old married mother of three -- Brown hair, warm brown eyes, and easy smile, she laughs at your jokes -- the kind of person that you immediately felt comfortable with.  Open and engaging with other people, was well read, and could talk about your interests.  Socially adept, she coordinated making meals for local women who had babies.  Had a sense that she had suffered in her life and understood something about suffering.  And that was true Life wasn't always easy for Susanna Grew up in Culpeper, VA, 75 miles west of Washington DC, oldest of four children, all girls.  Named Susan.   Mother -- quiet, introverted - an interior designer turned homemaker.   Father -- extroverted, warm, gregarious high school teacher - taught algebra, geometry and trigonometry at Culpeper County High School  -- great sense of humor, gratifying, and a pretty easy grader, students loved him and he really liked being a popular teacher.  Strong sense that father had favorites among the daughters, and she wasn't one of them   When Susan was age 16, her mother divorced her father -- his affairs, excessive drinking Mother devastated.  Really wanted her daughter to understand.  Susanna was cold.   Read the divorce decree "Irreconcilable differences"  And she was so angry  At an emotional level, Susan repudiated both Mom and Dad.  Not understanding, not wanting to understand.   Decided to go by "Susanna" -- three reasons Devoted to the Chronicles of Narnia -- The last book of the series, The Last Battle.  Aslan says "Susan is no longer a friend of Narnia."  Given to nylons, lipstick, and party invitations -- she didn't seem serious  any more.   Susan was her given name -- she wanted different name, but not too different  In the Bible, in Daniel chapter 13, Susanna was the beautiful, faithful wife of Joakim.  She refused to be blackmailed into adultery by two respectable men of high stature in the community, two judges, who just happened to have also be voyeurs, peeping-Toms.  Susanna preferred death by denunciation rather than compromise her moral principles, and was saved by a young boy, Daniel, whose clever cross-examination of the accusers revealed them to be liars.  Susanna was a real heroine in her eyes, someone to be emulated.   Shuttling back and forth between parents, who were drifting from the Faith. Mom pursued an annulment got it, and remarried the summer after Susanna's graduation from high school.  Susanna refused to be in the bridal party, refused to go to the wedding.  Like many teenagers in this position, Susan rebelled.  But not by using alcohol, drugs or sex.  Susan rebelled by becoming more Catholic --  Went to Christendom college, it was close, it was Catholic.  She was determined to make a new life there.  Leave the old life behind.  Came home to see her parents as little as possible, focused on her sisters when she did come home.  Very uncommunicative with Mom and Dad.   Christendom is where she met Brett, who eventually became her husband.   Mathematics major, got into computer programming.  Very introverted, not very social.  Not socially awkward, exactly, but not at all inclined to parties and large groups.   Home based -- independent contractor.   High income Fantasy Role playing Games.   Children 16 year old Savannah, her oldest -- now driving and asserting her independence.   13 year old Trevor -- athlete, mechanically talented, liked woodworking  10 year old Micah -- still really cute and cuddly with Mom, starting to play volleyball and very into play dates with her friends.   The Call to Adventure Had been a freelance writer, mostly for Catholic publications, small but dedicated following. Made a little money.   Fr. Brownlee, the pastor asks her if she would consider being the assistant for ministry outreach at their suburban mega-parish.  Part time position.   Ray de la Cruz, the director for ministry outreach needed and assistant, just 10-15 hours per week, a lot of writing and some event planning, event management.   Fr. Brownlee, the pastor, love to have you on board, consider it -- Office at the parish, near the parish grade school, close to her two youngest kids.  A fit for her charisms.   Refusing the Call to Adventure She has a comfortable life, deciding not to do it.  Likes her home.   Brett starting to have some odd heart problems.  High blood pressure for years, stress of hitting deadlines.  Not doing as well.  Strange bodily symptoms, heart racing, no biological causes found.  Sometimes off of work for a week at a time, income not so stable.   Gnawing anxiety about that -- his father and grandfather had both died young.  She wasn't confident that she could handle the family finances if he died or became incapacitated.  Pushing it out of her mind.   Conflict increasing at home, especially between Trevor and Brett.   Need for human contact, writing getting lonely.  Brett not very good company right now, irritable, sad.    Maybe she does have something to offer.  Kids are more independent now, very busy.   Meeting the Mentor Ray, the director of ministry outreach -- really dynamic guy, lots of positive energy.  Brought in six months ago to revitalize the ministry outreach and find ways to really reach people, bring them more alive in the Faith.   Lots of initiatives across the different demographics of the parish.  Just needed a little help.   Susanna didn't know him well.  But from her vantage point, she did appreciate how he motivated people, how he stayed on his message of getting people to pray, to spend time with the Lord.  The Eucharistic Adoration chapel at the parish had been pretty moribund, but now it was lively, and teenagers from the youth groups were regularly taking hours in front of the Lord, even her daughter Savannah.  Ray was direct, straight-talking and had just come from significant success as an assistant VP in a mid-size marketing firm, but now was looking for more meaning and purpose in his life.  He was 38, had a few years in diocesan seminary, discerned out, and had never married.  He was doing an amazing outreach with the Latino community in the parish as well.   In the initial interview with Ray about the position, Susanna felt uplifted and supported.  She sensed that Ray was interested in her life, her background.  He discussed how he wanted to craft the position around the person -- around her -- capitalizing on her strengths, gifts, charisms, and not trying to fit her to some procrustean bed of a rigid position description.  And he really wanted to make sure that the position, if she took it, fostered her spiritual life.  "We have a start-up spirit here, not your same old parish corporate Catholicism" he said, laughing.  He was a fan of Dynamic Catholic and Matthew Kelly, had his books handy, Four Signs of a Dynamic Catholic was his favorite book, he told her.  So much in there we can learn to put in practice here.   Let me think about it.  Give me two weeks.  "OK, Susanna, you have two weeks.  Take all the time you need.  I'll be praying for you.  Just don't forget about me, OK, get in back in touch when you are ready."   If I am going to step back out in the world, I would want the position to support my spiritual life, foster my prayer life, help me toward holiness.  I would want someone in my corner, Susanna thought.  Someone who really had my back, someone that would advocate for me, some who understood me.  I need that.  If I start working outside our home again, I would need a supervisor who actually cares about me as a person not just what I can do for them.  Then with just a little twinge, a feeling she couldn't quite identify, the next thought came.  Someone like Ray.  She corrected herself.  Mr. De la Cruz.   Crossing the Threshold Ten days later she came back to the parish offices met  Ray and Fr. Brownlee in Ray's office and said, I'm in, but here's the caveat.  I want to try it for 90 days, see how it goes -- family life, how this sits with Brett, it's been a long while since I've been working in the world.   All right, Ray said, his face lighting up.  Let's do this -- and no worries, Susanna, this parish isn't the world,  You'll be working in the Church, not the world.  Fr. Brownlee shook her hand and smiled.  Have Martha onboard you with all the employment paperwork, she'll walk you through all that tedium.  I will let you and Ray figure out the details about how to work together, I trust you both, I have to go, financial reports for the Archdiocese are waiting.  You know how to reach me if you need something.  God bless.   Let's start with prayer, said Ray.  And without waiting for her to answer, he prayed out loud, thanking God for the parish, for Fr. Brownlee, for the outreach work, the work of evangelization, for the beauty of the day, and for Susanna joining the staff, bringing all her gifts and talents and her whole being to the team.  Then he made the sign of the cross.   All right, Ray said again, let's shake on the deal.  He held out his hand and she shook it, and felt a ripple of electricity surges up her arm as he gave her a quick squeeze before releasing.  She felt excited, was she really happy?  She hadn't sensed such an uplift in a long time.  I must have gotten older than my years somehow, she thought to herself.  She smiled warmly at him and he laughed again and asked "what's your schedule for today?   Test, Allies, Enemies The next six month seemed like a whirlwind to Susanna.   She absolutely embraced the parish work. Her confidence rose week by week.  Ray was able to find just the right growing edges for her, to really stretch her but not overwhelm her.  They read passages from Matthew Kelly's book "The Dream Manager" and brainstormed together about her professional development.   Susanna did most of the planning for the eighth grade retreat, and her son Trevor said that all his friends at school thought it was the best retreat ever.   Susanna connected with Martha, the parish administrative assistant and Sharon, the school principal, who also took an interest in her and appreciated her eating lunch with the students including Trevor and Micah on occasion.   And she made a lot of mistakes, there was a steep learning curve for Susanna.  Ray laughed them off with one or more of his inexhaustible supply of quotes.   For the eighth grade graduation supper, Susanna caused great commotion with a caterer -- Susanna had made several errors in placing the order and then alienated the caterer in her frantic attempts to force everything to work out.  Multiple different entrees had to be prepared in an emergency, the food quality suffered and worst of all, all Trevor's classmates knew it was Susanna's fault.  The caterer complained about Susanna to the pastor and the auxiliary bishop.   Susanna felt terrible, ashamed, and guilty.  Ray wasn't fazed by it at all. He just quoted the business magnate Richard Branson  who said "You don't learn to walk by following rules. You learn by doing, and by falling over."   That was so refreshing for Susanna, who ever since her parents' divorce had been so focused on not making mistakes.  She began to realize that she saw her parents' divorce as a huge mistake, she never wanted to make a mistake like that, and the best way to avoid making such a huge mistake was to make no mistakes at all.  She began to feel more free, like the world was a little more spacious.   At Ray's insistence, Susanna had dispensed with calling him Mr. De la Cruz after the first meeting.  My name's Raimundo, but just call me Ray.  Everyone does." And everyone did, even the school kids and the youth of the parish.   Ray seemed to have unbounded energy and no end of creative ideas.  He also took prayer seriously -- Early in the morning, Susanna would see him in the Adoration chapel.  He invited her to pray with him before they met to discern and discuss plans.  He inquired about her prayer life -- and let her know that he was continuing to pray for her, that she be a saint.  He asked her to pray for him.  And amazing things were happening in the parish.  Ray was a dynamic motivational speaker, especially for the teenagers and the young adults, and he had a way of connecting with the men of the parish as well.  He had a remarkable ability to remember names.  Susanna found herself admiring him.   She grew more and more curious about him, and what made him tick, where did he get all the energy and enthusiasm?  He never seemed to have a bad day.  He had the full support of the pastor and a lot of autonomy.   Her daughters noticed that Mom was happier and busier.  Her husband Brett seemed to be noncommittal about her working at the parish.  But he was in his funk still, and Susanna began to wonder if he might be depressed.  It was hard to know, he was so hard to reach in so many ways.   Her own prayer life was growing -- the challenges she was facing encouraged her to pray.  And now she had two teenagers, with their trials and their hormones to deal with.  Trevor, now in high school, occasionally would ask "How's it going for you, Mom at work.?  How's Ray?"  Susanna found herself tongue-tied trying to explain what her work was like to Trevor.   Susanna experienced some confusion and a vague sense of guilt about her marriage.  She struggled with how to love Brett, who so needed space and whose love languages seemed so different from hers.   He seemed even more uncomfortable with touch than in years past, with physical affection unless he had been drinking.  She had a sense that he didn't fully approve of her working at the parish, but he would not come out and say what he thought.  He was so indirect.  Why could that man not support her in something that she found joy and purpose and meaning in?  It troubled her.   Very gradually, over time, Ray became even more casual and familiar in his conversation with Susanna.  Sometimes he would call her "Susanita" and playfully refer to Susanna as his "guiding star" when she had a particularly creative idea.  He had an amazing vocabulary in multiple languages.  Once in a while, when he was in a particularly warm mood, he would refer to her with terms of affection in other languages -- querida, cara, carino, mon chéri.  She asked him about that.  He responded with a big smile and his arms open wide, I'm from Puerto Vallarta in Jalisco, We talk like that there, they are just ways of expressing friendship and connection.  And I consider you more than just my assistant.  I think we are spiritual friends -- at least I hope we are.  Like St. Francis de Sales and St. Jane de Chantal.  But hey, if it bothers you, I won't use those words,  I can just call you Susanna.  No problem."  "No, no it's ok, I kind of like it.."  Great, said Ray.  Susanna, I just want to be a Ray of sunshine in your life, and he laughed heartily at his own play on words.  But those words stayed with Susanna and echoed in her memory.   A Ray of sunshine in my life.    Three weeks later, at the end of the day.  Susanna stopped by Ray's office to drop off a file and saw him head down in his chair, shaking.  "Ray?"  "Ray, are you all right?"  He took his hands from his face, eyes streaming with silent tears. "No."  "I'm not all right."  "I'm very not right."  Susanna immediately pulled up a chair next to his, and instinctively she reached out to take his right hand in both of hers.  "Ray, it's OK.  Ray, what is it?"  Ray's breathing was labored and his body shuddered.  "I'm glad you're here, I am so glad you're here. Susanna. Just stay with me for a while.  With his free hand he wiped tears from his eyes and looked at her.  "Ray, what's wrong?"  Ray broke off eye contact, looked over her head at the wall.  "I can't tell you what's wrong, Susanna.  I can't."  "I'm so alone, I am so lonely."  He looked at her again.  "I can't tell you how lonesome I am."  He looked down at their hands joined together -- "Do you know it's been four days since anyone has touched me?"  And he sobbed silently, rocking back and forth in his chair looking so wounded, looking so broken, looking like a little lost, abandoned boy.   Susanna's heart was so full of emotion, and she was acting on impulse.  She disengaged her right hand and put her arm around his shoulders holding him with just enough pressure to slow his rocking down.   Look at me, she said to him.  He looked into her eyes.  She said -- You are my Ray of Sunshine.  Remember that."  Then fear flooded through her and she ran out to her car without her coat or purse in a cold and dark mid-December mist.  Her mind was reeling and she tried to recollect herself in the driver's seat.  What had just happened?  What was going on?  She turned the key, the car started.  I need some music she said, and turned on the radio.  Savannah had tuned in last to an 80s station, and the DJ was saying, up next, Dan Fogelberg's top 10 hit from 1981, Same Auld Lang Syne.  Met my old lover in the grocery store. The snow was falling Christmas Eve I stood behind her in the frozen foods. And I touched her on the sleeve.  And then her tears flowed.  And from deep within her, a very, very young voice was crying out over and over again "I want to go home."  "I want to go home" as Dan sang on.   Two minutes later the lyrics pierced her like a spear when Dan was singing She said she'd married her an architect, Who kept her warm and safe and dry, She would've liked to say she loved the man, But she didn't like to lie.  Susanna clawed the driver's door open leaned over and threw up on the asphalt.  She shut the radio off in the middle of the saxophone solo, slammed the transmission into reverse and spun her tires on the wet pavement backing out of there, away from the parish, away from Ray, away from anywhere, just to get away.   I love Brett, Susanna insisted to herself, as she drove.  I love my husband.  I do.  I am faithful to him.  I love my husband.   But another voice, low and soft, almost gentle, said, Yes, you do.  Yes you do.  But are you sure Brett is your husband?  Of course Brett is my husband.  We're married.  We were married on October 10, we made vows to each other.  "Yes, you did.  You did.  You made a vow.  And Brett said the words too.  Maybe Brett made a vow, if he was actually capable of making a vow.  Maybe.  But, Susanna, you know that Brett is on the spectrum don't you?  What's the term Functioning autistic?  He has been since he was little.  Come now, listen to me.  How often does he look at you?  How well does he understand you, really?  Or connect with you emotionally, relationally?  What about how he shrinks from your touch so often?  How he is so, so  introverted?  How he lives so much in a fantasy world in his role playing games with anonymous gamers from all over the world?  Let's be honest, Susanna, about Brett, it's about time.   And let's be honest about you, too.  Why you wanted him for a husband.  Did you want to love him out of charity -- really?  How has that been going, you loving him?  Isn't it true that what you really wanted was your own safety, security, his income?  And isn't it true that you so desperately wanted to not depend on either of your parents, but you weren't ready to stand on your own two feet?   Shut up, shut up, shut up.  Susanna, Don't you know that you actually love Ray?  Are you that blind?  You have loved Ray for months now, but you still you won't admit it.  Didn't you just prove that, holding hands with him, your arm around him?  Your Ray of Sunshine.  Shut up, shut up, shut up! I'm going crazy, Susanna thought.  I am going round the bend.  Could it be that Brett was too impaired to marry me?  Could there be any truth to that?  She remembered several Catholic friends and acquaintances who after their civil divorces had applied for declarations of nullity for their marriages from the Archdiocesan Tribunal.  All of them were granted.   That was a long evening back at home.  Susanna told the kids and Brett she wasn't feeling well, skipped supper and went to bed where she lied awake in the darkness in the chaos of her thoughts.   The next morning she was supposed to meet with Fr. Brownlee and Ray at 9:00-- she considered calling in sick, but she knew she would have to face Ray again at some point.  She arrived at the conference room exactly at 9 -- she didn't want to be late, but she didn't want to be early.  Ray was there, looking like his old self.  He told her Fr. Brownlee is running a little late.  Hey, Susanna, about yesterday -- I'm sorry about being a hot mess.  I'm not usually like that, I know I probably made you uncomfortable.  Susanna found herself saying, no, Ray, it's OK, really, I was glad to help, and taking in his smile.  Thank you, Susanita.  Thank you.  We're OK?  Yes, Ray, we're OK.  OK. I just want to thank you for all you did for me.  You can't possibly know how much you helped me.  You were a gift from God, no really, a gift.  I thank God for you.  You were so attuned to just what I needed.  Can I give you just a little hug, to thank you, my spiritual friend, my sister in Christ?  It's hard for me to express everything that's in my heart for you just in words alone.   And Susanna, speechless, gave the slightest of nods before being enfolded in Ray's arms.  Her body felt electrified as he held her, she felt his body warm and firm and strong against hers, he was smiling down at her, just for those three seconds, and then felt the ache of longing as he let her go, saying, Thank you, mon cherie. Please don't tell anyone how you found me, yesterday.  Let's keep that between us, please, I am still embarrassed by my weakness and vulnerability.   And at that moment, before she could respond Fr. Brownlee's steps sounded in the corridor, and they separately quickly as they heard his customary hearty greeting, his Pax Vobiscum preceding him from the hallway.  They sat down around the table and started with the business items of the day.   After that, their hugs became more frequent and longer.  They prayed together in the chapel.  Sometimes, they furtively held hands, with God's approval, Ray said, as God's beloved children would and siblings who loved each other, Ray said.  But they did hide it, because others wouldn't understand their relationship, as Ray said.   They were having lunch in the break room of the parish center -- instead of at the school cafeteria -- Susanna asked Ray once more what he was crying that late afternoon -- if he felt up to talking about it.  Ray said he was grieving.  Grieving what?  Grieving for himself.  For his situation.  Did you ever see the musical Man of la Mancha?  When Don Quijote sang the Impossible Dream.  She wasn't familiar with the song.  They were alone -- so in a low voice, he sang the first few lines for her.  To dream the impossible dreamTo fight the unbeatable foeTo bear with unbearable sorrowTo run where the brave dare not goTo right, the un-rightable wrongTo love pure and chaste from afar And this was why I was grieving -- I was grieving you.  That all I could do in my love for you, all I could do was to love you, pure and chaste, from afar.  We were never going to be close in the way I wanted, in the way I hoped you wanted, it was just going to be frustration and pain and sacrifice and suffering -- But you Susanna -- you showed me another way -- in that dark hour of despair, you reached out and touched me, took my hand, made it all right.  You had the presence, you were so able to find a way I could not see for us to be together, for us to love each other and it be right and good.  So now it's out there, Susanna Richards.  I, Raimundo de la Cruz, your Ray of Sunshine, I love you.  I will always love you.  Whether you love me or not, I will always love you.  Like in Wendell Berry's novel Jayber Crow -- How Jayber loved Mattie Chatham in the way he did, pure and chaste from afar, because Mattie was married to Troy. Jayber was more faithful and true to Mattie than Troy ever was.  And Ray leaned back and held his arms wide and said.  I love you this big much, mon cherie and laughed.  You don't have to say anything Susanita, it's all right.  I know this is a lot to take in. I'm OK with whatever your decide.  I've decided for me. I've sorted it out on my end, I am at peace.  I've made my commitment.  I will devote my life to you, in love, in whatever way you permit, in whatever way you allow.  I am all yours to take or to leave.  You are my Dulcinea, my querida.   And like a moth to the flame, Susanna was drawn in deeper and deeper.  At the time, the her increasing enmeshment with Ray felt inexorable but later in the clarity of retrospect, she knew it wasn't.  Eventually they had sex on a wrestling mat in storeroom by the school gym.  So much shifted in both of them after that.  For a few weeks after that, they tried to "make the relationship work".  It didn't work.  Two months after his initial conquest of her, Ray's quote eternal love end quote fizzled out.  His idealized Dulcinea image of her faded, and he moved on, decided to leave his ministry position at the parish and moved to another state.   Susanna also quit her job and entered into a deep depression, filled with shame and guilt.  Brett and the kids were worried, they had never seen her like this.  Who am I?  She kept saying to herself.  Who am I?  She was walking downtown that Saturday afternoon on her way from the parking garage to the Catholic bookstore, to find a confirmation gift for her niece as she struggled with her identity.   You know what you are, said the soft, silky voice. You know what you are.  An adulterer.  A whore.   You are Susan.  Not Susanna.  Susanna was the one who resisted seduction, was willing to die rather than enter into adultery.  Don't you remember?  You are not her.  Then hardest cut of all You are just like your father.  You should die. Death will bring you release, Susan, do you know that?  What do you have to live for now? To the be the adulterous wife of Brett who you don't love and who doesn't want you?  To be the whore mother of your children, infecting them with your vice?  Can't you be humble enough, even now, to know that they are better off without you?  End it all now, Susanna.  It would be so easy, there's nothing to it… Approach to the Inmost Cave and the Ordeal At that exact same time on Saturday afternoon, In the little coastal town of Barra Grande, halfway between Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paulo in southeastern Brazil, a 10 year old girl felt an inspiration to pray for whoever might be in most need right now, maybe a lady who was really sad, a lady who needed help.  Her prayer went up to heaven like incense and Susanna did not throw herself into the traffic on that busy street, but made it to the Catholic bookstore, looking a little disheveled.  The cashier noticed her as she came in and gave a faint smile and a halfhearted greeting-- she thought the lady did not look well, but at least she clearly was not one of the homeless people that had been so inconvenient lately.   In her numbness and distress, dwelling on Who am I?  Susanna noticed she was thirsty.  Weird, to notice that right now.  It made sense.  She hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day.  It doesn't matter.  Nothing matters anymore.  She walked up through the aisle on prayer, and a slim green volume caught her eye.  Thirsting for Prayer.  Fr. Jacques Phillipe.  She reaches, takes it off the shelf.   On page 20, she reads "Over and above our sins and failings, we discover that we are God's children. God loves us as we are, with an absolutely unconditional love and it is this love that gives us our deepest identity." Something moved within her. She flipped to page 22 and read: It is a deep aspiration of every man (and, still more, every woman!) to feel uniquely loved. Not loved in a general way, as one of a large group, but appreciated in our uniqueness. This is what the father's love brings about. Each of us can experience that in his eyes we are loved, chosen by God, in an extremely personal way. We often have the feeling that God loves us in a general way: he loves all men, I'm one of them, so he must take a bit of interest in me. But being loved in a " global" way, as one item in the collection, cannot satisfy us. And then to page 23 "Each of us is every right to say: "God loves me as he loves nobody else in the world!" God does not love two people in the same way because it is actually his love that creates her personality, a different personality for each."  And then, for the first time in many months, the sobs came, racking, heaving sobs.  This is who I am.  This is who I am!  This is who I am.  A beloved daughter of God.   The cashier heaved herself out of her chair and peered into the aisle.  Ma'am?  Are you OK? But received no answer from Susanna.  The cashier shrugged and went back to her chair to work on her Sudoku puzzle.  The store manager came over and asked the cashier in a low voice what was going on.  She replied sardonically that he had a major clean up to tend to in aisle 4.   Then Susanna was up on her feet and moving fast to the door. She stopped momentarily to ask the manager and cashier -- is there a Catholic church nearby?  Yes, there's one two blocks north, just go right, and then straight up, can't miss it, Mass is in 50 minutes.  Thank you, thank you and she hurried out -- Ah, do you want to pay for the book?  I'm so sorry, I'm a bit beside myself.  Susanna threw a $20 bill on the counter and ran out.   At St. Patrick's Parish, the new pastor Fr. Jennings was eyeing James, the volunteer guitar player and song leader for the 5:00 PM Mass. James, who he he had inherited with the parish in the reassignment two weeks ago.  James was in his mid-60s, with a grey ponytail, limited musical talent, and a overweening penchant for Marty Haugen tunes, the very ones that Fr. Jennings most despised.  What James lacked in accurate pitch he made up for with increased volume.  And James had not followed through on the music they had agreed on for last week's Mass, substituting songs that seemed to him as better to sing in the moment, ones the congregation was familiar with and loved.  Much better than the dry hymns this new pup of a pastor wanted.  Fr. Jennings told himself to remember that James was also a beloved son of God as he moved in for the confrontation.   But at that moment, a woman burst into the church.  Father, will you hear my confession?  Yes, I would be glad to.  And truth be told, Fr. Jennings appreciated a reprieve from the messy business of dealing with James.   Forgive me father, for I have sinned.  It's been six months or so since my last confession.  And then it all poured out, twelve and a half minutes of heart rending sin and sorrow as Susanna's mascara completed its journey to her chin, borne by tears of both sorrow and joy.  Her hatred for her parents, her pride, the adultery with Ray, it all came out.  And as the priest gave the absolution, the Magdalene smiled.   The Ordeal Susanna left the confessional with three things. A huge sense of relief, a strong sense of mission and a business card for a counselor in the city.  The priest strongly recommended that she see this counselor Sandra, one whom he knew and trusted.  With the suicidal crisis over for now, a whole new set of questions emerged.  How should she tell Brett about Ray?  Should she tell him at all?   The priest had stressed the point that much of her struggle was in the natural realm - in her history, in her upbringing, and that all needed to be addressed.  She needed some professional help.   Susanna looked Sandra up.  Sandra looked young, really young.  She found another one, a Dr. Waldron, a psychologist in his late 60s nearing retirement and started therapy with him.  .  It didn't go well.  She felt blamed and judged by this man who seems more interested in catechizing her than listening.  It lasted two sessions and she fired him.    She connected with Sandra and entered into deep work.  She learned that everyone has parts within them -- constellations of feelings and thoughts and desires.  Sometimes parts blend.   She was able to connect with her managers A Good Girl Part who always wants her to do the right thing and grew exhausted and hopeless when she could not prevent the affair with Ray.   An inner critic who tries to help her by riding her and cutting her down in the hope that she will be good enough to be loved  A stuff-it-down manager who represses other parts out of a deep fear that they will overwhelm her  A keep-it-safe avoiding part that steers clear of potential trouble and works to minimize the risk of being negatively evaluated by others.   And over time she was able to connect with the exiled parts within her A part that wanted to be loved by her father, who so missed her father.  She realized that this part's impulses and desires were fueling so much of her interactions with Ray, because this part saw so much of her father in Ray.  The parts believed that if she were to win Ray's love, it would fill her father needs.   Another exile that felt so much shame about not being able to keep her parents' marriage from falling apart, who felt responsible for the divorce. Her Good Girl part and her inner critic were both focused on silencing this part.  This part just wanted to be able to go home to be loved by Mom and Dad.   A part filled with rage toward her parents and who hated God for giving her those parents  She discovered parts of her that hated her husband and parts of her that were fond of him.  Both could be true.    As parts gave her space, she was able to discover her innermost self -- her innermost self was able to emerge and begin to lead and guide her system, and innermost self with beautiful qualities.   And as she became more integrated inside, her experience of herself began to make sense.  For the first time.   She realized the when she was tempted by the devil, the devil was trying to co-opt the most alienated parts of her, the one who would be most susceptible to his influence.  Then if those parts could take over and drive her bus, great harm would result.   It was painful work.  She felt in her bones what Fr. Jacques Philippe wrote on page 19 of her book:  The negative aspect has to do with her sin, our deep-seated wretchedness. We only know these things truthfully in the light of God. Face-to-face with him, there is no longer any possible room for lies; no invasion, no excuse, no mask. We are compelled to recognize who we are, with their wounds, our weaknesses, or inconsistencies, selfishness, hard-heartedness, secret complicity with evil, and all the rest. But with that work came a sense of peace and joy, of being loved by God and Mary in all her parts.  A realization that all her parts were good. A knowing that her parents did not have to love her any more than they did.  God the Father and Mary her Mother are her primary parents.   Susanna was able to get in touch with Life-Giving Wounds to work through the impact of her parents' divorce in a retreat and in a local chapter.   And she began to pray and related with God and Mary in a completely different way.  Good girl:  I don't have to give up Catholicism.  I just have to give up my flawed understanding of Catholicism.  The Rewards She feared Brett would be devastated when she told him.  He seemed more relieved.  Trevor had told Brett that he thought Mom and Ray had been having an affair.  Trevor had heard rumors and seen some interactions that made him suspicious.  That was a blow to Susanna, that the affair was not nearly so secret as she imagined.   Brett and Susanna were able to find a marital therapist to begin to work on their marriage in a more focused way.  Not easy, there were limitations.   The Road Back She hates her husband and loves him.  Lots of work with the children.  Trevor's anger.    A sense of Providence.   Resurrection / Return Two years later -- she was knocking at the door of her childhood home in Culpeper.  Her father answered, surprised to see her.  It's good to see you -- will you come in?  he asked.  She smiled at him and said:  It's good to see you too, Dad.  And for the first time in more than a quarter century, she meant it.   Take a minute.   Feedback welcome What you thought  Your own story -- send it to me -- crisis@soulsandhearts.com   IIC 102  The Last podcast, episode 100 was a great success in spite of some real technical failure.  We have a learning curve with our technology, and we know some of you were not able to join us.  We have resolved those issues.  We will be meeting on Wednesday, December 14 from 8:00 PM to 9:00 PM Eastern time to record and experiential exercise on parts getting the love that they need. Need to register, here is a link, can get the link from our weekly reflections in your email inbox or in our archive at soulsandhearts.com/blog.   Imagine how Susanna's experience would have been different if she had known about parts before encountering Ray -- or before marrying Brett?  Resilient Catholic Community -- you do not have to be alone.    120 Catholics like you already on board, already on the pilgrimage Reopened December 1 -- new cohort, our St. Dymphna cohort.  Until December 31.  Check it out.  Had a great meeting on December 1 and we will posting the recording very soon if it's not up already.  Sign up soulsandhearts.com/rcc -- lots of information there I've brought together the best Get to know your own parts Get to love your own parts If interested, contact me.   Crisis@soulsandhearts.com 317.567.9594 conversation hours 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time Every Tuesday and Thursday.  (not November 24 which is Thanksgiving).     Upcoming Sign up for the weekly reflection     

Summary -- It is so common for Catholics (and others) to reject the love of God, to not let that love in.  Join Dr. Peter for this episode where we explore in depth the eight natural, human formation reasons why we refuse God's love. We also look at what Hell really is and why it really exists.  Through examples, quotes, and an exploration of Dr. Peter's own parts, listen to how this critical, central topic comes alive.  And then Dr. Peter presents the an action plan for accepting and embracing God's love.   Lead-in “It's very hard for most of us to tolerate being loved.” ―Psychiatrist and Harvard Professor  George Vaillant (need description)  The Hardest Thing about love for many of us Catholics -- is to be loved.  To tolerate being loved first.  We can't love unless we take love in first.  We can't generate love out of nothing on our own, we don't have that power.     Many Catholics make sacrifices great and small in an attempt to love others.   Many Catholics go to great lengths to try to please God and to love their neighbor -- very busy people, most parishes have a few of these -- always volunteering, working, making things happen, St. Vincent de Paul, soup kitchens, corporal works of mercy -- working so hard to live out the Gospel as they understand it, but it's all external -- they are very out of touch with their internal lives.  Their prayer lives are shallow and sketchy and they are uncomfortable in their own skin and they will not tolerate silence.   The vast majority of us Catholics will not tolerate being loved deeply or fully.  We shy away from receiving love.  We get so uncomfortable, we skirt around the edges of being loved Or we allow love into us only so far.  Only so far.  We won't let real love permeate all of our being.  We let the quote acceptable unquote parts of us be loved, those parts we allow in our shop window.  Those parts we believe others will accept.   But to allow someone to love all of you -- your nasty parts, your shameful parts, your disgusting parts, your hidden leper parts, your sinful parts -- those tax collector parts, your inner prostitutes and blasphemers, your Pharisee parts, the parts of you that are so lost and so isolated and so angry and hateful?  Those parts?  Most of us will say -- No way -- no way does anyone get to see those parts if I can help it, let alone love those parts.  How about your terrified parts, your desperate parts, your wounded, traumatized parts, the ones no one wants, the parts of you that have been rejected by everybody, including yourself.  This podcast is for us Catholics who understand at least intellectually that we have those parts.  And that those parts need to be loved.  Those parts also need to be redeemed.   For anyone out there who is saying "Well, I don't think I have any parts like that, Dr. Peter. I don't have any problems being loved."  My response to that is one of two possibilities -- either you are: 1 -- A very special person, who has been freed from our fallen human condition and you've achieved an extraordinary degree of perfection in the natural and spiritual realms -- and if so, congratulations to you.  You don't need this podcast and you don't need this episode, you are so far above the rest of us.  I'm in awe of you.  You don't need what I have to offer.   Or 2 -- you don't know yourself very well.  You are out of touch with yourself and your parts, disconnected inside.   It's especially hard for us to tolerate being loved by God.  That's the primary reason we don't love God back and we don't love our neighbor and we don't love ourselves. We won't be loved first.  God loved us first.   It all starts with God's love -- not our love.  God loved us first.   Heisman Trophy Winner Tim Tebow in his Book Shaken  “We were created by Love, in love, and for love.”   Paul tells us in Romans 5:8  But God shows his love for us in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.    God loved us first.   1 John 3:1 See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. The world does not know God.  Christianity is the way to discover who God actually is.  To discover what Love actually is.   John tells us in 1 John 4:9-10 In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the expiation for our sins.  This is what I want you to remember.  From St. John, 1 John 4:19:  St. John tells us:  We love because he first loved us  And it's up to us to take that love in, to let it reach to every corner of our being.  That doesn't sound easy.  And it's not as easy as it sounds.    Intro I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, a.k.a. Dr. Peter, clinical psychologist, trauma therapist, podcaster, blogger, cofounder and president of Souls and Hearts -- but most of all I am a beloved little son of God, a passionate Catholic who wants to help you to experience the height and depth and breadth and warmth and the light of the love of God, especially God the Father and our primary Mother Mary. What I want for you more than anything else is that you enter into a deep, intimate, personal, loving relationship with the three Persons of the Trinity and with our Lady. That is what this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast is all about, that is what Souls and Hearts is all about – all about shoring up the natural foundation for the spiritual life of intimacy with God, all about overcoming the natural human formation deficits and obstacles to contemplative union with God our Father and our Lady, our Mother  We are on an adventure of love together. Episode 94 of this podcast focused on the primacy of love in the Catholic life. Episode 95 focused on trauma's devastating impact on our capacity to love. Episode 96 discussed how trauma hardens us against being loved. Episode 97 discussed how trauma predisposes us to self-hatred and indifference, a refusal to love ourselves.  And episode 98, the last episode was all about ordered self-love, how we need to love ourselves in an ordered way in order to love God and neighbor, to carry out the two great Commandments. Today were to take a step back were to look at the most critical prerequisite for loving God and others. We are going to discuss being loved the first, accepting the love of God first. This is absolutely essential. The most critical mistake that most Catholics make is to refuse the love of God. Let me say that again.  The most critical mistake, the most devastating, catastrophic mistake that most Catholics make is to refuse to allow God's love to transform us entirely, to make us into new men and women.  Let us start out with The order of Loves God leads with love -- he goes first.  God makes the first move.  He moves toward us, we who He created, and who have fallen from grace because of original sin.  We don't make the first move.  God does.  He loved us first, and he continues to love us first  Sean Mitchell -- We Love Because He First Loved Us -- Those Catholic Men.   “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).  These words from the first letter of John beautifully and succinctly sum up the origin and end of the Christian life—which, in a word, is love.  “Being Christian,” said Benedict XVI, “is…the encounter with an event, a person, which gives life a new horizon and a decisive direction” (Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est, 1).  That “encounter” is our experience of God “first loving us.”  The “new horizon” that it opens up, the “decisive direction” that it gives to our lives, is love—our love of God and our neighbor because of His prior love of us.  To participate in that endless exchange of love is what it means to be a Christian.  It is the center from which all other aspects of the Christian life emanate.  I fear that a significant number of Catholic men miss this point and regard something other than love as the central point of being a follower of Christ. What I did not include from Benedict's quote above is what he says being Christian is not.  It is not, he says, “the result of an ethical choice or a lofty idea” (Benedict XVI, Deus Caritas Est).  To state that more generally, being Christian isn't primarily about my will or my intellect and what I do with them (i.e., make “ethical choices” and assent to “lofty ideas”).  Rather, it is first and foremost about my heart, my whole person in all its mystery, and what has been done to it by God.  Is it not the case, though, that so many of us fail to understand this?  If we're honest with ourselves, I think we would have to admit that it is, that we ourselves are among those men who place something other than love at (or at least close to) the center of our “Christian” life…even if we don't realize it. Comment on this Edward Vacek:  Love, Human and Divine: The Heart of Christian Ethics.  The sequence in loving and being loved.    (1) God affirms us; (2) God receives us; (3) we accept God's love; (4) we affirm God; (5) God forms community with us; (6) we cooperate with God in loving God in the world; and finally (7) we grow in a limited co-responsibility with God. p. 177 Genesis 3.   The trauma of original sin.   God comes looking for them -- God seeks them out -- hiding, fleeing from him in their shame and confusion and bitterness, in the trauma of original sin.   God calls out to them -- example of His gentleness.   No cursing of Adam and Eve.  The serpent is cursed, the ground is cursed.  Not Adam and Eve Provides clothing for them to help them with their shame.   Protects them from the Tree of Life.  Banishing them from the garden was an act of love -- if they had eaten from the tree of life, the Genesis 3:22- 24 Then the Lord God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil; and now, lest he put forth his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever”—  therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from which he was taken. 24 He drove out the man; and at the east of the garden of Eden he placed the cherubim, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to guard the way to the tree of life.  God making sure that they won't be separated from Him forever. St. Ephrem the Syrian, Commentary on Genesis, 122 explains, “God did this lest this life-giving gift that they would receive through the tree of life become misery, and thus bring worse evil upon them than what they had already obtained from the tree of knowledge.  From the latter tree they obtained temporal pains, whereas the former tree would have made those pains eternal.  From the latter they obtained death which would have cast off from them the bonds of their pains.  The former tree, however, would have caused them to live as if buried alive, leaving them to be tortured eternally by their pains.”   The basic problem with the sequence -- not tolerating enough contact with God  to be affirmed, for Him to receive us. to understand Him in a radically different way.   And what kind of love is God's love for us?  God Himself tells us:  I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Jeremiah 31:3.  God is faithful to us.  He loves with an everlasting love.  Isaiah 54.10  For the mountains may depart     and the hills be removed,but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,    says the Lord, who has compassion on you. How steadfast is God's love:  Deuteronomy 7:9 tells us.  Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations Psalm 86:5 For thou, O Lord, art good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call on thee. God requires a response from us.  -- abounding in steadfast love to all who call on thee.  We have to call on him, we have to respond to the love.   That is what this episode is all about.  This is episode 99 of the Interior Integration for Catholic podcast, released on November 7, 2022 titled IIC 99 Why We Catholics Reject God's Love for Us and How to Embrace that Love  CCC 221 But St. John goes even further when he affirms that "God is love": [1 John 4:8, 16] God's very being is love. By sending his only Son and the Spirit of Love in the fullness of time, God has revealed his innermost secret: God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange.  We have to take him up on that.   How do we know we are loved by God? -- 2 ways.   Faith and lived experience Faith  Infused virtue  CCC 150   Faith is first of all a personal adherence of man to God. At the same time, and inseparably, it is a free assent to the whole truth that God has revealed. As personal adherence to God and assent to his truth, Christian faith differs from our faith in any human person. It is right and just to entrust oneself wholly to God and to believe absolutely what he says. It would be futile and false to place such faith in a creature. CCC 153  When St. Peter confessed that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God, Jesus declared to him that this revelation did not come "from flesh and blood", but from "my Father who is in heaven".24 Faith is a gift of God, a supernatural virtue infused by him. "Before this faith can be exercised, man must have the grace of God to move and assist him; he must have the interior helps of the Holy Spirit, who moves the heart and converts it to God, who opens the eyes of the mind and 'makes it easy for all to accept and believe the truth.'"25  Lived experience of the relationship with God.   2 Timothy 1:12 But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am sure that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me. Can feel it in consolations.   We don't want to engineer emotional experiences of closeness, manipulating emotions -- Concern about Catholic youth events, hyper emotional, noisy and using psychological techniques of influence to generated contrived emotional  experiences.  Hyping people up, getting them out of their window of tolerance.   We don't want to rely on our subjective experience of lived relationship Because the subjective experience of connection with God can vary way too much.   Von Hildebrand writes, “Our confidence in God must be independent of whether we experience His nearness, whether we sense the enlivening touch of grace, whether we feel ourselves being born on the wings of His love.” (p 210).  Mother Teresa 1957 confided to spiritual director:  In the darkness . . . Lord, my God, who am I that you should forsake me?  The child of your love — and now become as the most hated one. The one — you have thrown away as unwanted — unloved. I call, I cling, I want, and there is no one to answer . . . Where I try to raise my thoughts to heaven, there is such convicting emptiness that those very thoughts return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul.  Love — the word — it brings nothing.  I am told God lives in me — and yet the reality of darkness and coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.  David Scott in chapter 17 of his book The Love That Made Mother Teresa wrote:  For more than fifty years following her initial visions and locutions, Mother Teresa was wrapped in a dark, pitiless silence. She only once more heard the voice of God, and she believed the doors of heaven had been closed and bolted against her. The more she longed for some sign of his presence, the more empty and desolate she became.   Needs Weekly Reflection:  from September 6, 2022:  The Top 10 Needs That Fuel Modern-Day Idol Worship  go to soulsandhearts.com/blog   Integrity Needs My need to exist and survive  My need to matter  My need to have agency  My need to be good  My need for mission and purpose in life   Attachment needs  --Brown and Elliott (2016) Felt sense of safety and protection -- have to go through the valley of shame, fear, anger, grief  Feeling seen, heard, known and understood -- have to tolerating being in relationship, being present.   Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured  Feeling cherished, treasured, delighted in  Feeling the other has your best interests at heart   Resistance to being loved Weaving in Integrity needs and attachment needs.   Main themes Limited vision and lack of imagination, leading to a refusal to be transformed by God  We don't understand God's love  The Costs of Being Loved by God  Poor God images  Poor Self images -- Shame  Refusal to be vulnerable, to be exposed, to be revealed to God.  Lack of courage.  Anger at God -- rebellion   Limited vision and lack of imagination, leading to a refusal to be transformed by God -- unhealthy satisfaction in far more limited spiritual goals -- a willingness to settle.  Von Hildebrand According to von Hildebrand, the vision of most Catholics is way too narrow – our sights are set way too low. We are satisfied with too little in the spiritual life – we are like chickens pecking at the ground when we are called to soar as eagles.  We may be content with merely avoiding sin, overcoming vices and developing virtues. Some of us may pursue the spiritual life as a self-improvement project, satisfied with incremental gains  Weekly reflection October 26, 2022 -- Why we resist change – and especially radical transformation.  Ransom Riggs Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children character Jacob Portman “One day my mother sat me down and explained that I couldn't become an explorer because everything in the world had already been discovered." Love, in some sense, is nothing other than an invitation to great joy and suffering, so they shy away from it.  Paul Catalanotto Refusal to love is also refusal to live  The Catholic Weekly John 6: 41-42 The Jews then murmured at him, because he said, “I am the bread which came down from heaven.” They said, “Is not this Jesus, the son of Joseph, whose father and mother we know? How does he now say, ‘I have come down from heaven'?”  John 6: vs. 60 and 66  Many of his disciples, when they heard it, said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer went about with him. We don't understand God's love Isaiah 55:8-9  For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  Sharon Jaynes When Love Hurts April 17, 2018.  Proverbs31.org   “Mommy, Mommy,” Steven cried. “Don't let them hurt me!”My son, Steven, was about 3 years old when he contracted a severe case of the flu. His slumped body snuggled listlessly like an old, worn rag doll.When I carried him into the medical clinic, the doctor quickly diagnosed dehydration and immediately sent us to the hospital.My heart ripped apart as the nurses strapped my little boy onto a table and began placing IVs in his tiny arms.“Mommy, Mommy,” Steven cried. “Make them stop! They're hurting me.”“No, honey,” I tried to assure him. “They're going to make you all better.”“Mommy, help me!”Steven cried. I cried. The nurses cried.I could only imagine what was going through Steven's little mind. Why are these people hurting me? Why doesn't Mommy make them stop? She must not love me. She's not protecting me. If she loved me she wouldn't let them do this. She must not care about me.Standing in the corner watching my little boy cry, I wondered if that's how God feels when I'm going through a painful situation that's for my ultimate good. I cried out, “God, why are You letting this happen? Don't You love me? Don't You care about what's happening to me? Why don't You make it stop?” Can see the need to exist here being threatened.  I might be very injured, I might die.  Integrity need No felt sense of being protected -- attachment need.  In fact, just the opposite.  The little child was being protected, but didn't understand, didn't feel it.   No felt sense of being comforted or soothed, child not open to it.  Third primary condition of secure attachment No felt sense of support for his highest good.  Fifth condition of secure attachment.   Parts of us very young, like this 3-year-old.   Hebrews 12:11  For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  Poor view of discipline Bad experiences of being disciplined -- not having been disciplined out of love  But rather out of anger or inconvenience or frustration.   Freud -- gratification and frustration to grow.   The Costs of Being Loved by God  Real love, agape or charity, is always given freely -- we understand that much But real love, agape, charity -- real love is never received freely in this fallen world.  There is a cost to allowing real love into our lives.   Very little discussion about the costs of being loved by God.  I find that so strange.  So many Catholics don't think this way. It is as though Catholics have parts that believe that being loved by God is one of two things Being loved by God should easy, delightful, peaceful --  like being the lead character a Hallmark movie  Romance novels.  Easy love that just come naturally.    Emotional Junk food that nourishes illusions.   and when it's not, they conclude that God isn't loving them, or that they are excluded from His love Being loved by God is terrible Echoes of Hebrews 10:31    It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.   Burning away Real love -- Agape -- burns away things that are sinful within us -- it doesn't coexist with the vice within us.  Real love also purifies us from anything that is not morally wrote, but that is disordered or dysfunctional or imperfect  Real love is the greatest good.  And because it's the greatest good, it requires us to give up lesser goods.  Perceived good and actual goods.   Coping strategies, crutches that helped us in the past Analogy of the safe -- limited room, silver and gold.  1 Peter 1:7 So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.  Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.   Zechariah 13:9 And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people'; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.'”  Proverbs 17:3  The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts.  Job 23:10 But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.  Integrity needs I exist  I matter  I am good   Attachment needs Felt safety and protection  Felt comfort and reassurance  Felt sense of being cherished and delighted in.  No experience of that while being corrected, perfected.   xThe cost is up front -- the benefit in the future.   Poor God images We don't understand God.  We don't know who he is. -- reflected in the Sharon Jaynes' story of her son at the doctor's office.    Lack of confidence in God.  Lack of Faith   God Images =  My emotional and subjective experiences of God, who I feel God to be in the moment.  May or may not correspond to who God really is.  What I feel about God in my bones. This is my experiential sense how my feelings and how my heart interpret God. Each part, not in right relationship with the innermost self, has a distorted God image.   God images are often unconscious.     Initially God images are shaped by the relationship that I have with my parents.     My God images are heavily influenced by psychological factors  Different God images can be activated at different times, depending on my emotional states and what psychological mode I am in at a given time.   God images are always formed experientially; God images flow from our relational experiences and  Also how we construe and make sense of those images when we are very young.  My God images can be radically different than my God concept.  We all have heretical God images.   Differ from  God Concept  = What I profess about God.  It is my more intellectual understanding of God, based on what one has been taught, but also based on what I have explored through reading.  I decide to believe in my God concept.  Reflected in the Creed, expanded in the Catechism, formal teaching.   Can take a while to get to these God images -- not on the surface  We don't know God very well.   We refuse Mother Angelica's Little Book of Life Lessons And Everyday Spirituality :  Allow people to love you as they must love you, not as you want them to love you. Even God does not love us as we wish Him to. Learning to love is learning to accept love as it comes. I will lose the relationship with God that I have if I push the envelope And you will.  That is true.   Episodes 37-49 on God images.   Really hits on attachment needs.   Poor Self images -- Shame Self-images are much more emotionally driven, much more intuitive, subjective, and they vary a lot more from moment to moment.     Each part, not in right relationship with the innermost self, has a distorted self image.   Pastor Jonathan Edwards  Sinners in the Hand of an angry God, 1740s    “The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked; his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire ... you are ten thousand times so abominable in his eyes, as the most hateful and venomous serpent is in ours.”  Hiding from God.  Genesis 3.   I don't want to find out I am unlovable.  I can't bear that.   Episode 24 of this podcast, God images and self images.  Really hits on integrity needs.  Especially the need to be good.   Refusal to be vulnerable, to be exposed, to be revealed to God.  Because for love to be real, for love to be agape means me allowing you to love all of me.  All my parts.  My entire being Not just the acceptable parts of me in the shop window, those that I allow others to see.   Fears of being hurt one more time -- Fears of betrayal  Fears of abandonment   We think we can hide.   Self protection -- need to survive.  Need to be good.  Lack of courage. Philophobia -- fear of love  All of us have parts that fear love.  Comfort in the familiarity of the dysfunction we know.   Predictability Change is scary  Maureen Brady, Beyond Survival: A Writing Journey for Healing Childhood Sexual Abuse “For change to occur in us, we must be willing to enter the wilderness of the unknown and to wander in unfamiliar territory, directionless and often in the darkness....We do not need to keep every little thing under control. In fact, we find ourselves only by allowing some falling apart to happen.” Erica Jong:  I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back. Nelson Mandela:  I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. Anger at God, Rebellion against Him. secondary to poor God images.  Anger is the ordered emotion in response to injustice.   What is a part?  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God.   When parts are not integrated, under the leadership and guidance of my innermost self Self:  The core of the person, the center of the person.  This is who we sense ourselves to be in our best moments, and when our self is free, and unblended with any of our parts, it governs our whole being as an active, compassionate leader.   Parts in greater detail -- discussed my parts in Episode 71 A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others.   Good Boy Evaluator (formerly "the Critic") Melancholio Adventurer (formerly my "part who holds fear") Feisty One (formerly my "angry part") Challenger (formerly "the Rebel") Lover Part Collaborator Parts (formerly my Competent Part) Guardian (formerly "the Intimidator") Creative Part Consequences -- Hell Nothing can separate us from God's love.   Romans 8:38-39 For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Nothing can separate you from the love of God, not even demons -- angel and principalities.  Nothing can separate you from the love of God.  With one exception.  You.   Only you can separate you from the love of God.  Only you have the power to do that, by refusing to let that love come it. That's what sin is.  It's separating ourselves from God.  Sin is damaging our relationship with God.    Separation happens  Jesus weeping over Jerusalem Luke 19:41-44  And when he drew near and saw the city he wept over it, saying, “Would that even today you knew the things that make for peace! But now they are hid from your eyes. For the days shall come upon you, when your enemies will cast up a bank about you and surround you, and hem you in on every side,  and dash you to the ground, you and your children within you, and they will not leave one stone upon another in you; because you did not know the time of your visitation. It's not that God won't protect Jerusalem.  It's that he could not protect the Israelites, not without violating their freedom, not without forcing Himself on them.   Matthew 7:13-14   “Enter by the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is easy, that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many.  For the gate is narrow and the way is hard, that leads to life, and those who find it are few. Pope John Paul II  in a 1999 audience, God did not create Hell.  Hell  “… is not a punishment imposed externally by God but a development of premises already set by people in this life.” Catechism of the Catholic Church edited by Archbishop Rino Fisichella 2019 by Our Sunday Visitor Louis Ladaria:  To be precise, God did not make Hell.  His free creatures make it, inasmuch as they separate themselves from Him. Nor does God send anyone to Hell: it is the damned one who separates himself and does not want to enter into the Father's house. God, St. Irenaeus said, does not really look to punish the damned, but as they are deprived of all good things, it is the penalty that pursues them (Adversus Haereses, V. 27, 2; a similar idea in St. Augustine, Enarrationes in Psalmos, 5, 10: God abandons the sinner to his evil, he does not, properly speaking, give evil to anyone). Because of this, and despite what is said sometimes, we need to insist on the fact that Hell does not say anything against the infinite goodness of God. (p. 863).  Dean Koontz: The Book of Counted Sorrows:  “We make Hell real; we stoke its fires. // And in its flames our hope expires.   CCC 30 Although man can forget God or reject him, He never ceases to call every man to seek him, so as to find life and happiness. CCC 1037  God predestines no one to go to hell; for this, a willful turning away from God (a mortal sin) is necessary, and persistence in it until the end. In the Eucharistic liturgy and in the daily prayers of her faithful, the Church implores the mercy of God, who does not want "any to perish, but all to come to repentance. Not trying to catch us, not with a hand on the trap door to hell.   Fr. Edward McIlmail, LC  “Ask a Priest: If God loves us so much, why does hell exist?”  An analogy might help. Imagine you are on a ship that is searching for survivors from a sunken ocean liner. You see a passenger struggling in the waves behind you. You throw a lifeline to him, but he refuses to grab it. You beg him to take hold of the lifeline, but he ignores your plea. Eventually, he sinks below the waves and drowns. Does his drowning indicate that you were indifferent? When you begged him to grab the lifeline, were you displaying hate? Was his drowning your fault?  The answer to all these questions is: no. The person in the water, for whatever reason, refused your help. His drowning was the consequence. It doesn't matter why we flee from God and why we flee from His love.   Hell as isolation -- cut off from everyone.   Images of hell   Hell as isolation Tekla Babyak in 2018 article Dante, Liszt and the alienated agon of hell writes:  Dante Alighieri's Inferno portrays Hell as an alienated realm in which the doomed spirits must spend eternity in isolation and regret.  Deepest level of hell, the ninth circle:    "The treacheries of these souls were denials of love (which is God) and of all human warmth. Only the remorseless dead center of the ice will serve to express their natures. As they denied God's love, so are they furthest removed from the light and warmth of His Sun. As they denied all human ties, so are they bound only by the unyielding ice." John Ciardi, Inferno, notes on Canto XXXII, p. 248 Satan encased waist deep in ice.  Not fire.   Celeste Ng  Little Fires Everywhere character of Mia Warren “In all her years of itinerant living, Mia had developed one rule: Don't get attached to any place, to any apartment, to anything. To anyone.”   In Hell on earth Fragmentation of Dante's inferno -- lived now.   Dietrich Bonhoeffer  Life Together  “Sin demands to have a man by himself. It withdraws him from the community. The more isolated a person is, the more destructive will be the power of sin over him, and the more deeply he comes involved in it, the more disastrous his isolation.”  Sharon M. Draper  Out of My Mind  character Melody Brooks  “It's like I live in a cage with no door and no key. And I have no way to tell someone how to get me out.”  Sue Johnson Hold Me Tight   “Isolation and the potential loss of loving connection is coded by the human brain into a primal panic response.”  C.S. Lewis:  The Great Divorce:  “That is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say, “we have never lived anywhere except in heaven,' and the Lost, “We were always in Hell.” And both will speak truly.”   Action Plan  Pray Set aside the time.  First thing  Personal Prayer: A Guide for Receiving the Fathers' Love Fr. Thomas Acklin and Fr. Boniface Hicks.  Benedictines, very wise, good grasp of psychology.   Prayer Primer or Fire Within Fr. Thomas Dubay   Read the first letter of John. Lectio Divina Dan Burke Spiritual Direction.com Lectio Divina, A Guide: What it is & How It helps Prayer Life  Appendix on Lectio Divina in Fr. Jacques Philippe's book Called to Life  Section on Lectio Divina titled "mediating on Scripture in Fr. Jacques Philippe's book Thirsting for Prayer   Nike Model -- just do it.  Set aside perfectionism, desire to do it well. You're not going to do it well.  You're going to do it badly.   The most important things in life we either do badly or we don't do at all.   St. Therese of Avila. says: “He who neglects mental prayer needs not a devil to carry him to hell, but he brings himself there with his own hands.”   St. John of the Cross says: “Without the aid of mental prayer, the soul cannot triumph over the forces of the demon.”  St. Teresa of Avila “Prayer is an exercise of love.” (Life 7:12)   Do your human formation work Relational spirituality -- about relationship  Any difficulties you have in relationships in the natural realm, here on earth -- you are going to bring into your spiritual relationships.   Interior integration  Why is interior integration crucial for union with God?  Weekly reflection October 12, 2022  soulsandhearts.com/blog.   Get to know your parts Reason for not praying   Jay Earley -- Self Therapy Vol. 1.  Now in the Third Edition.    Bonnie Weiss Self-Therapy Workbook.   Means Therapy or counseling -- especially Internal Family Systems therapy with a therapist who is Catholic or who at least respects your Catholic Faith and will not undermine it.   Experiential Exercise -- November 21.  Splitting those out.   Resilient Catholic Community -- you do not have to be alone.   Reopening December 1 -- new cohort Get to know your parts I've brought together the best Wait list -- email on November 10.  Sign up soulsandhearts.com/rcc If interested, contact me.   Crisis@soulsandhearts.com 317.567.9594 conversation hours 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time Every Tuesday and Thursday.  (not November 17 -- online conference).   Pray for me  Sent the word out.  Let people know about our offerings at Souls and Hearts, this podcast, the weekly reflections.  Sign up for those - email.  Can see the archive at soulsandhearts.com/blog   Patroness and Patron  

Summary:  In this episode, we review the many ways we fail to love ourselves, through self-hatred and through indifference toward ourselves.  We discuss the ways that unlove for self manifests itself, contrasting a lack of love with ordered self-love through the lens of Bernard Brady's five characteristics of love.  We discuss the impact of a lack of self-love on your body.  I then invite you into an experiential exercise to get to know a part of you that is not loving either another part of you or your body.   Lead-In “Mourn not the dead that in the cool earth lie--Dust unto dust--The calm, sweet earth that mothers all who dieAs all men must; Mourn not your captive comrades who must dwell--Too strong to strive--Within each steel-bound coffin of a cell,Buried alive; But rather mourn the apathetic throng--The cowed and the meek--Who see the world's great anguish and its wrongAnd dare not speak!”― Ralph Chaplin, Bars And Shadows Intro I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and this is the Interior Integration for Catholics Podcasts, coming to you from the Souls and Hearts Studio in Indianapolis, Indiana.   This podcast is all about bringing you the best of psychology and human formation and harmonizing it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.  In this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, we take the most important human formation issues head on, without trepidation, without hesitation -- we don't mince words as we directly address with the most important concerns in the natural realm, the absolute central issues that we need to address with all of our energy and all of our resources.   We have been working through a series on trauma and well-being -- starting with episode 88.  In the last episode, episode 96, I Am a Rock: How Trauma Hardens us Against Being Loved -- we discussed the impact of trauma on us accepting love from others, including God.   In this episode, we're addressing how trauma sets us up to refuse to love ourselves.  Welcome to Episode 97 of Interior Integration for Catholics, titled "Unlove of Self:  How Trauma Predisposes You to Self-Hatred and Indifference"  It's released on September 5, 2022.   It is so good to be with you, thank you for listening in and for being together with me once again.  I'm glad we are here and that we are exploring the great unlove of self.   The great unlove for self -- like the uncola ads from 7-UP in the late 60s throughout the 70s and 80, even into the late 90s. What does unlove of self mean -- OK, I get it that it's refusing to love myself -- but what does that mean?   You might tell me that if I don't love myself, then I am hating myself.   All right.  Let's go with that.  Let's explore self-hatred and self-loathing  Define self-hatred Self-hatred is hatred directed toward oneself rather than toward others  Verywellmind.com article titled "Self-loathing" by Jodi Clarke, a licensed professional counselor  Self-loathing, or self-hatred, is extreme criticism of oneself. It may feel as though nothing you do is good enough or that you are unworthy or undeserving of good things in life. Self-hate can feel like having a person following you around, all day every day, criticizing you and pointing out every flaw, or shaming you for every mistake.   Brennan Manning  In my experience, self-hatred is the dominant malaise crippling Christians and stifling their growth in the Holy Spirit. Not sure I agree with that -- depends on the definitions.  Shame and the fear of shame overwhelming the self are such drivers of self hatred.   Angel Ploetner, Who Am I? Dissociative Identity Disorder Survivor “Shame plays a huge part in why you hate who you are.” Shame is so central  Check out episodes 37 to 49 of this podcast for a whole series on shame.    Eric Hoffer It is not love of self but hatred of self which is at the root of the troubles that afflict our world. Basil W. Maturin  We never get to love by hate, least of all by self-hatred.  Lori Deschene  “We can't hate ourselves into a version of ourselves we can love.” The primary way we hate ourselves -- for parts of you to hate other parts of you.  I am talking about intra-psychic hatred.  Hatred within you, for you, by you.   IFS description of the self Reference Episode 71: A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others  Definition of Parts:  Parts are like separate, independently operating personalities within you, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in your life, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has a different attitude or position toward other parts of you and different beliefs and assumptions about your body.  Robert Falconer calls these parts insiders.   Like in the movie Inside Out.  Your parts have different roles within your self-system.   Your parts have a very narrow, limited vision when they are not in right relationship with your innermost self.  Each of your parts usually has a strong agenda, something that they trying to accomplish, some good that that part is seeking for you.    Polarizations  Examples of polarizations in the most recent weekly reflection -- The Counterfeits of Self-Giving from August 31,2022.  How parts get polarized around the idea of giving of self Compliant surrenderer vs. feisty protector  Self-sacrificer vs. rebel  Check that out.   Bessel van der Kolk, in his excellent book "The Body Keeps the Score" devotes all of chapter 17 to Internal Family Systems.  Very accessible book, I've recommended it before to many non-clinicians.  There's a reason it has been the top selling book on trauma for the last seven years running.  A book like that comes around once in a generation.  In 1992, It was Judith Herman's seminal book Trauma and Recovery.  23 years later, it was The Body Keeps the Score.   To examine Unlove, we are going to contrast unloving with loving.  Let's review the five general characteristics of love -- from Bernard Brady, his 2003 Christian Love: How Christians through the Ages have Understood Love.-- drawing heavily from the work of Christian phenomenologists.  I introduced his five characteristics of in Episode 94, The Primacy of Love and I expanded on them in Episode 95 Trauma's Devastating Impact on our Capacity to Love.  Love is affective, love is affirming, love is responsive, love is unitive, love is steadfast.  Those are the five characteristics of love that Bernard Brady distilled from his historical review of how Christians have seen love through the ages.  Love is affective, love is affirming, love is responsive, love is unitive, love is steadfast.  So let's break down what happens when one part of you is hating another part of you.   Love is affective -- love is emotional Love rejoices in the beloved -- Protestant Theologian R.H. Neibuhr writes in his 1977  By love, we mean at least these attitudes and actions: rejoicing in the presence of the beloved, gratitude, reverence, and loyalty toward him.  p.35   Many positive emotions are associated with love Delight, Bliss, Happiness  A sense of fulfillment  Warmth, appreciation   What does hatred or loathing for another part look like?  How do parts hate each other? Self hatred is also affective -- it's also emotional.  But in a very different way that ordered self-love is.   Disgust regarding the another part  Anger toward another part  Contempt for the body -- anger + disgust = contempt  Example:  Let's say there is a fearful part of you that is very frightened of public speaking – of making presentations in front of other people. And now, for your work, you are required to make an important presentation in front of your supervisors and more senior executives within your company. Another part of you, your perfectionistic part, has led you to rehearse your presentation, to the point where you almost have it memorized. Your last performance in front of your bedroom mirror was so good. But now, in front of your audience, your fearful part locks you up. You find yourself stuttering, stammering, and your inner critic is a railing in hatred against your fearful part. That inner critic is saying things like, "Why are you such a sniveling frightened little coward? It's just a simple presentation, dumb ass, we've practiced it over and over, we have it down.  Get yourself together, this is really important, and you are screwing it up and making us all look bad.  Who knows what will happen if we can't pull this off." The more intense your inner critic gets in its hateful attack on your fearful part, the more the fearful part freezes.  After the presentation ends, the inner critic continues to bash the fearful part, ruminating about how poor the presentation was.   Love is affirming Love says yes to the other at the same time as love says yes to oneself.  In parts thinking, there is a open-hearted yes to all the parts.  Not just some parts, not just the "acceptable" parts of us.  All part are welcome to the table.   In self-hatred, one or more parts attack the unloved part -- not just superficially, but they hating parts go after the identity of the unloved part the self-hating parts want to destroy the hated part, or at least banish the hated part from having a voice, from having a seat at the table  In our example, you can see how the inner critic is trying to get rid of the fearful part, trying to suppress that part with its fear.    From Jodi Clarke's Verywellmind.com article:  Typical self-hating thoughts may include:     "I knew we would fail."       "Why do I even try?"     "I'm a loser."     "No one wants to be around me."     "Look at me screwing up again."     "Can't I just be normal?"     "I hate myself." Richard Bach   The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid.  When other people affirm the person who is dominated by a self-hating part, the affirmation doesn't really sink in.  It doesn't work.  The person all caught up in self hatred can't hear the affirmation, can't take the affirmation in.  Richey Edwards  “People say to the mentally ill, ‘You know so many people think the world of you.' But when they don't like themselves they don't notice anything. They don't care about what people think of them. When you hate yourself, whatever people say it doesn't make sense. ‘Why do they like me? Why do they care about me?' Because you don't care about yourself at all.”   Love is responsive:  Love is an active response for the well-being of the other.  It's about participating in the promotion of the highest good for the other, potential for the other How can I help you to flourish?  How can I help you toward your highest good?   In self-hatred one or more parts tear down the hated part.  There is a response to the hated part, but it's not a positive one.   Rather than attuning to the hated part, the hating parts seek to silence it and suppress it without really getting to know the hated part.  Not interested in the hated part's experience -- why the hated part thinks, feels or assumes what it does.   In our example, the inner critic is responsive to the fear of the fearful part, but in hateful way -- seeing the fearful part as counterproductive and threatening the wellbeing of the whole person, and thus feels justified in the bullying, heavy-handed approach taken.   Love is unitive  Bernard Brady:  The fruit of love is unity.  Love unites.  It is in the very nature of love to bring together.  p. 279 Hatred divides.  It polarizes within.  The fearful part and the inner critic have no common ground because of the hatred.   Hatred fragments within.  It shatters the self.  Order self love helps to integrate all the parts, providing space for all parts to be seen, heard known, and loved. Love integrates parts, inviting them into a collaborative, cooperative relationship with the innermost self and with all the other parts.  We give this internal unity a special name -- interior integration.  That is what this podcast is all about.  Interior integration for Catholics.   Love is steadfast Steadfastness in self-love requires acceptance of all parts for there to be resilience.  Hatred contributes to the inner system of the self being brittle and fragile.     Hatred doesn't generally come from our innermost selves  Self:  The natural core of the person, the center of the person in the natural realm.  This is who we sense ourselves to be in our best moments, and when our self is free, and unblended with any of our parts, it governs our whole being as an active, compassionate leader.  Unharmed by trauma, by attachment injuries, by relational wounds, by negative life experiences.   Catholics don't believe in John Calvin's concept of total depravity, that we are sinful and morally corrupt through and through.  Catholics don't believe we are snow-covered dung heaps, like Martin Luther taught.  We are still ontologically good, still made in the image and likeness of God.   We want to be recollected, we want the self governing all of our parts Like the conductor -- leading the musicians in an orchestra Like the captain -- leading and governing all the sailors on a ship.   When we are recollected, in self, 8 C's Calm  Curiosity  Compassion  Confidence  Courage  Clarity  Connectedness  Creativity   We also have the capacity for kindness The only exception:  unless we've committed the unforgivable sin, blaspheming against the Holy Spirit  CCC 1864:  “There are no limits to the mercy of God, but anyone who deliberately refuses to accept his mercy by repenting, rejects the forgiveness of his sins and the salvation offered by the Holy Spirit. Such hardness of heart can lead to final impenitence and eternal loss” (No. 1864). Repudiating life, love, truth, mercy, forgiveness -- irrevocably, through hardness of heart.  That is possible, or Jesus would not have warned against it.  Walking dead.   What does self-hatred mean for our relationships with our body? We are body and soul composites.  We are embodied beings.   Bessel van der Kolk:  The Body Keeps the Score -- groundbreaking work summarizing how much trauma becomes embodied  Another way for you to hate yourself  -- or more specifically, for a part of you to hate your body.   Examples of actively hating the body  Active examples 4 Extreme cases -- starting with extreme cases -- Suicidal Acts, Body Dysmporphic Disorder, Body Integrity Identity Disorder, Self-Harm (aka Self-mutilation).   Suicidal acts -- I did a whole series on suicide in this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast.  Episodes 76-80 Suicidal part -- desperately seeking relief from intense pain and distress   Other Reason -- these are the core reasons. -- review them in episode 76 and got into how parts are active around suicide in episode 78 The Desperate Inner Experience of Suicidality  Attachment needs not met -- Episode 62 A felt sense of safety and protection, deep sense of security felt in the bones  Feeling seen and known heard and understood -- felt attunement  Felt comfort, reassurance  Feeling valued, delighted in, cherished by the attachment figure  Felt support for the best self   Integrity Needs not met All of the above.  Each one of us needs help to develop our sense of self, our identity  I exist  my existence is separate from others --  I exist in my own right, a separate personIs bounded, has boundaries  My identity is stable over time and across different situations -- there is a continuity  I can regulate myself -- I have some self-control.   Is integrated -- coherent interconnections inside between aspects of experience -- self-cohesion  Is active, with agency, can effectively function in the world  Is morally good -- ontologically or essentially good and thus has intrinsic value and worth, apart from others' opinions.   I can make sense of my experience and the world around me  Mission and Purpose in life  We also need to make good choices -- seek what is good, true and beautiful in life   Body dysmorphic disorder   Appearance preoccupations: The individual must be preoccupied with one or more nonexistent or slight defects or flaws in their physical appearance. Verbally abusing the body Body shaming yourself -- a part of you calling your body fat, ugly, physically unattractive, calling your body out on the perceived unattractive features -- my eyes are too far apart, my lips are too thin, my skin is too bumpy, and what about that zit that just appeared.   Repetitive behaviors: The individual must perform repetitive, compulsive behaviors in response to the appearance concerns.  Behaviors: mirror checking, excessive grooming, skin picking, reassurance seeking, or clothes changing.  mental acts such as a part of you comparing one's appearance with that of other people.   -- getting on tiktok and saying, that person's body is so gorgeous and I'm a just a pig.  Ruminating about what others have said about your body or what they might say about your body.  Sometimes it's all just in the realm of fantasy.   Differentiation from an eating disorder: Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) is a rare, infrequently studied and highly secretive condition in which there is a mismatch between the mental body image and the physical body. Subjects suffering from BIID have an intense desire to amputate a major limb or severe the spinal cord in order to become paralyzed or to become blind or deaf. Self-harm  or self-mutilation, sometimes called cutting Really not understood well by most people -- dismissed as something only a crazy person would do.   It's a symptom.   Forms include Cutting  Burning or branding, scalding with hot water  Picking at the skin, reopening wounds or severe scratching  Carving the skin  Trichotillomania   Head banging Hitting oneself Biting oneself Self-poisoning Self-starvation (deliberate) Getting into fights Reasons for Self Harm  The Punished Self, the Unknown Self, and the Harmed Self – Toward a More Nuanced Understanding of Self-Harm Among Adolescent Girls -- August 2021 Frontiers in Psychology Norwegian researcher Line Indrevoll Stänicke1 -- Qualitative Study of 19 adolescent girls  Superordinate themes “I deserve pain,”  “I don't want to feel anything,”  “I'm harmed, and no one cares.”  “I deserve pain,”  “I don't want to feel anything,”  “I'm harmed, and no one cares.”  8 Reasons for Self-harm Desire to release unbearable tension or providing relief from overwhelming emotions  At times [self-harm] also silenced the chaos in my head, briefly pausing the repetitive flashbacks and body memories."  Desire to regain control  Fighting depersonalization -- "Self-harm proved to me I was real, I was alive.  (mind.org.uk)   Numbness can feel like death -- need to feel anything at all.   Self-hatred  Feeling the need to self-punish "I hated my body and blamed it for what I'd been through, so felt it needed punishing. (mind.org.uk) Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia   “I wanted to kill the me underneath. That fact haunted my days and nights. When you realize you hate yourself so much, when you realize that you cannot stand who you are, and this deep spite has been the motivation behind your behavior for many years, your brain can't quite deal with it. It will try very hard to avoid that realization; it will try, in a last-ditch effort to keep your remaining parts alive, to remake the rest of you. This is, I believe, different from the suicidal wish of those who are in so much pain that death feels like relief, different from the suicide I would later attempt, trying to escape that pain. This is a wish to murder yourself; the connotation of kill is too mild. This is a belief that you deserve slow torture, violent death.”  Blaming your body for others' actions romantic partner breaking up with you -- not attractive enough  Being raped -- hating body because it attracted unwanted attention of the rapist.   To express pain, communicate or share the internal experience to others, to make visible what is felt within.   A way to distract from some worse experience, e.g. intrusive thoughts.   Association with others who self-harm -- peer group.   Five general characteristics of love from Bernard Brady -- looking at how they contrast with parts' hatred for the body.  Love is affective -- love is emotional Hatred regarding the body  Disgust regarding the body  Anger toward the body  Fear of the body  Contempt for the body -- anger + disgust = contempt  Fueled by envy of other people's bodies.   Love is affirming  Devaluing the body -- Body Shaming Seeing the body as evil   De-facto Manicheanism All matter are seen as evil -- including our bodies  St. Augustine adhered to Manicheanism for a while before his conversion, and then strongly refuted it.   Hatred of the body.   Love is responsive And love is responsive to the body's legitimate needs.   or ignored.  In self-hatred toward the body, those needs are condemned  Love is unitive Can be a kind of separation of the body from the self.  I am not my body.  This is not by body.   Love is steadfast   So that is self-hatred.  But self-hatred isn't actually the most common or important form of failing to love the self.   What is the most common and most important failure to love the self?  The great sin against the self, if you will? Indifference.  The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.  “The Beloved Ego: Foundations of the New Study of the Psyche” by prominent Austrian psychologist Wilhelm Stekel. The text was translated from German into English by Rosalie Gabler and published in 1921.  The quote was expanded and made famous by Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel in a 1986 US News and World Report article The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.   Indifference is so, so common.  We can be so indifferent to ourselves and to others. ― David Mitchell  “The world's default mode is basic indifference. It'd like to care, but it's just got too much on at the moment.”  Aristotle “Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society.”     W. Somerset Maugham British playwright, novelist, short story writer The tragedy of love is indifference Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft wrote in his book Prayer for Beginners that Indifference is more truly the opposite of love than hate is, for we can both love and hate the same person at the same time, but we cannot both love and be indifferent to the same person at the same time What does indifference to the self mean to the parts The biggest form of unlove -- indifference.   Define indifference --  an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, philosophical, virtual, or physical life.   and the world. not caring about oneself.  Disregarding oneself, Abandoning oneself, not caring about oneself. Wait a minute, Dr. Peter -- I thought that was what we Catholics were called to do.  Being dead or numb to oneself  Evil is the absence of good (privatio boni) -- privation theory of evil --  this idea was implicit in some of Plato's writings, but he never stated it implicitly   Plotinus further developed the idea And St. Augustine really refined it.  City of God:  For evil has no positive nature; but the loss of good has received the name “evil.” Examples of indifference to the parts  Lack of awareness Parts disconnected from the self or fused with the self have very partial vision      Lack of caring Make up some examples here.   Five general characteristics of love -- from Bernard Brady Love is affective, love is affirming, love is responsive, love is unitive, love is steadfast.   Love is affective -- love is emotional Apathy toward the parts.  Not caring about them, not interested.  Parts pursuing their own agendas inside with little regard for the wellbeing of others parts.   Trauma begins in terror but ends in apathy.”  ― Brian W. Becker ― Khang Kijarro Nguyen  “Apathy is as dangerous, invisible, and contagious as an asymptomatic virus carrier.” “Apathy is a silent killer.” ― Frank Sonnenberg,     Love is affirming “The stronger you cling to your armor of indifference, the more it strips you of your humanity.” ― Abhijit Naskar, No Foreigner Only Family    Love is responsive “there are people capable of eating popcorn at the movie of your agony”― StephanieR oberts, Rushes from the River Disappointment   Nina MacLaughlin, Wake, Siren: Ovid Resung  “His eyes they held the most dangerous thing, they held the top of the sins. Indifference. Indifference. A vacancy where human care should be."  “We may not choose apathy, but when we choose anything other than love and empathetic justice, we get apathy by default.”― Ken Wytsma,  Love is unitive Love is never fragmented; it's an inseparable whole which does not delight in bits and pieces. John A. Andrews  Love is steadfast Polarizations lead to tension inside and instability   What does indifference to the self mean to the body Bessel van der Kolk:  … traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: the past is alive in the form of annoying interior discomforts. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and in an attempt to control these processes, the often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings in a numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from themselves.   Examples of indifference to the body  Lack of awareness Parts disconnected from the self or fused with the self have very partial vision   Less extreme, passive examples of indifference to the body -- we've all done at least some of these.   Problematic eating or drinking Too much caffeine (hooked on energy drinks or coffee)  Misuse of alcohol  Overeating  Too much sugar  Too much junk food  Eating to soothe oneself when upset, sometimes called emotional eating  Eating when bored  Skipping meals   Smoking Not exercising at all -- too little physical activity -- or too much exercise Poor ergonomics Overdoing the screen time -- 10 hours a day on the computer is hard on the eyes Low activity levels  9.3 hours of sitting per day, more than 7.7 hours of sleeping today Not going outside Allowing yourself to get really sunburned or dehydrated or exhausted Not using the bathroom when you need to Poor clothing choices -- not bundling up in winter -- the man in the hoodie when it's 15 degrees out in wintertime, woman wearing high heels when it's not a good choice,  Misuse of the smartphone -- using your smartphone in bed Poor sleep habits, going to bed too late Misuse of sex -- not caring for your body in sexual situations.   Not getting medical or dental care for your body that would be good and right ignoring a treatable condition  Ignoring symptoms   Poor hygiene Five general characteristics of love -- from Bernard Brady Love is affective, love is affirming, love is responsive, love is unitive, love is steadfast.   Love is affective -- love is emotional Indifference to the body.  Just not caring about the body, apathy toward the body.  Looking at only the utilitarian functionality of the body.  The body as a container or vessel for your mind or soul or psyche.     Love is affirming -- indifference to the body can mimic detachment or poverty Love is responsive -- Lack of awareness about the body.  Very disconnected.   La belle indifference:  The term “la belle indifference” is a French term, which translates to “beautiful ignorance.”[1] La belle indifference is defined as a paradoxical absence of psychological distress despite having a serious medical illness or symptoms related to a health condition. Not being interested in your body.  Love is unitive Not seeing your body is part of you, disconnecting from your body Love is steadfast 1 Cor 3:16-17.   Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If any one destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and that temple you are.   Experiential Exercise on Unlove -- the failure to love  Cautions difficult material -- how and why we don't love ourselves.   window of tolerance Upside -- Fight or flight, sympathetic activation  Downside -- Free response -- dorsal vagal activation, shutting down, numbing out,  don't have to do this exercise, can stop at any time, reground yourself  no steamrolling parts  Good to do this exercise when you have the time and space and privacy -- not while driving or engaging in other activities that would require you to divide your attention.   Options Take what is useful to you  Feel free to go your own direction if that seems what's best  Feel free to pause the audio and really settle in and do extended work inside if that seems best  Can have pens, pencils and paper to write down things that are helpful -- like a journal -- or to map out things, draw if that's helpful.  Can pause the recording at points where you would like to have more time to do your internal work.   A lot of gentleness with and for yourself.  Moment here for your to really care for yourself.   Luke 10:27 Love your neighbor as yourself -- we are supposed to love ourselves in an ordered way And that means loving the parts of ourself that are in need.  With care and compassion If you get distracted, that's ok, that's common.  You can just refocus, or if that's not possible, then focus in on that distraction -- get curious about why a part of you needs to distract you.   Body scan -- locating -- finding. -- Call that a trailhead Tension in muscles  Stomach pain or gastrointestinal distress  Headaches  Fatigue   Could be other trailheads Images or dreams that come back to mind  Memories, sounds, beliefs or assumptions   Focus in on that one sensation or inner experience that reflects some kind of distress or agitation about you not loving you.   That experience will lead you to a part -- we will call the part you are focusing on, your target part.  A part that is not loving some other part of you in some way Your target part Might be hating another part of you  Your target part Might just not be caring about another part of you.   Your target part Might be trying to suppress or silence that other part.   Listen in to what that experience, that body sensation or that impulse or desire or image or memory or belief. Really notice that target part.  How do you experience it?  Let's see if we can work with one part at a time.  You can do this reflection and guided exercise over again with multiple parts if you'd like.  But see if your parts inside can agree to let you work with one part.   We are going to ask that one part not to flood you with its intensity.  That's a safety thing.  We are asking that part not to overwhelm you with its distress.  We want to be separate but near, so that you as the self can have a relationship with that part.  If your target part fuses with you or blends with you, you can't have a relationship.  See if that part will agree not to overwhelm.  Just ask it.  See what the response is.  If it agrees, then  Really sense that part.  See that part or sense that part, however that part is becoming more apparent to you.  How old is that part?  Some parts of us are very, very young.  Even preverbal.   Really listen to what that target parts wants to share with you, what it wants you to know.   How is that target part trying to help you?  What is that target part's good intentions.   How are you feeling toward that part, toward that experience Compassion  Connection  Curiosity -- genuine interest  Calm   If feeling negative, can we get concerned protector parts to soften, to relax back so that you, as the self, can connect with your distressed target part?  If not, focus on the concerned protector part.  Really get interested about why that part is not ready to let you connect with your target part.  There's a reason.  Parts always have good intentions for us.   Let your target part tell you all about what its experiencing with the other part -- the unloved part.   Emotions Anxiety  Sorrow -- deep emotional pain  Anger  Numbness   Thinking -- assumptions, beliefs Really be open to these beliefs, asking protectors not to censor them if possible.  Concentration issues.   Behaviors -- why does the part do what it does? What does this conflict connect back to for your part -- when did the part feel the same way in your history?  Checking to see if there's a concerned protector part trying to speak for your target part -- like a spokespart who wants to interpret the parts experience.  See if that concerned protector part can soften and relax back and let the target part speak for itself.   How is that part doing now?  Changes in your body?   Can the part feel love from you?  xWhere are you with: Compassion  Connectedness  Curiosity  Calm   Winding up Can write down what you learned, what was helpful, what came to you -- giving your parts a voice on paper.   Can do this exercise again with a different part  Gratitude for all your parts -- all have good intentions are trying to help  This doesn't have to be the end of connecting with your target part -- doesn't have to be a one-off experience, can check in with that part again.  Action Plan Looking ahead: next episode, number 98 -- ordered self-love -- now that we've covered all the ways that we can fail to love ourselves, we will be learning what it means for us to be loving ourselves in an ordered way.   Fr. Jacques Philippe -- 2008 Book Called to Life:  This self-love is good and necessary, not egoism that refers everything to "me," but the grace to live in peace with one's self, consent to be what one is, with one's talents and limitations. Love of God, love of neighbor, and love of self grow together and sustain one another as they grow. If one is absent or neglected, the other to suffer. Like the legs of a tripod, all three are needed in order to stand in each leans on the others. St. Thomas Aquinas  -- bringing in some of the work of Dr. Mary Julian Ekman, Religious Sister of Mercy. Self-love is the ground of human action, where the conscious choice to love self transforms self- love into self-friendship.  Proper self-love (amor sui ordinatus) is indispensable for perfecting the human person by making the soul more like God, who knows and loves himself by his very essence.    This movement toward self-perfection is hindered by improper self-love (amor sui inordinatus)   St. Augustine will also help us, as we explore how disordered self-love regards the self as an end, but ordered self-love sees the self as a means to the proper end of love.   Promotions  Ann-Marie Klobe -- Ready for Love: An online retreat for single Catholic women over 35 who are ready to connect deeper with their Faith, the Saints, and find a Godly relationship.  The Ready for Love retreat airs October 3-17, 2022  So many single Catholics are operating from a place of disconnection, and my goal is to restore their trust in God's plan for their life, help them feel like they have a purpose in this world, and provide training on topics such as the Saints, forgiveness, beauty, and trusting in God.  Anne-Marie did an extended experiential exercise with me as part of this retreat.  She discovered and explored some hidden reasons that could be obstacles in romantic intimacy.  She did some beautiful work that she will share with the women who attend the retreat.   Anne Marie and I are also planning for me to do a 60-minute live Q&A for the Ready for Love retreat -- where the women on the retreat can bring their questions to me about the ways that they reject ourselves as persons, the ways in which they refuse to love themselves, what it would mean to be married, and about discovering their primary identity as a beloved daughter of God.   The website for the retreat was not quite up yet at recording time.   You can go to Anne Marie Klobe's website -- https://www.anne-marieklobe.com  I will be letting you know more about it and provide links in the weekly reflections that I email out on September 14 and 21-- if you haven't been getting the weekly email reflections, sign up for them, and have them delivered to your email inbox every Wednesday.  Go to Souls and Hearts.com and click  the box that says "Get Dr. Peter's weekly reflection in your email inbox each Wednesday. Those weekly reflections are deep dives that I write each week about critical human formation topics -- those weekly reflections are the written companions to this podcast.   The Resilient Catholics Community.  The RCC.  I am inviting you on an adventure of being loved and of loving.  That is what the Resilient Catholic Community is all about.  Check it out at soulsandhearts.com/RCC   The RCC is all about working through your human formation issues -- the ones that lead to all the unlove you have for yourself.  The self-hatred and the indifference to self, the failures to love yourself in an ordered way, so that you can love got with all of your being -- with your whole heart, your whole soul, your whole mind and all your strength, with every fiber of your being.   It's all about learning to be gentle but firm with yourself -- it's all about integration.  It's all about resilience.   All about restoration -- recovering from being dominated by shame, fear, anger, sadness, pessimism, whatever your struggle is in the depths of your human formation We do this work experientially -- so many experiential exercises -- so we work not just in your head, and not just in your soul, but also in your heart.   And we do the work step by step -- in a very clear program.   Check it out at soulsandhearts.com/rcc -- we open registration for new members every June and December.   I'm inviting you to join me and more than 100 other faithful Catholics on this pilgrimage to much better human formation.  Get on the waiting list for the cohort that begins in December 2022.  soulsandhearts.com/rcc Talk with me about it in conversation hours call my cell 317.567.9594 any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern time for conversation hours.    

  Summary:  Real love (agape) is given freely -- but it is not received freely in our fallen human condition.  Join me in this episode as we discuss the costs of opening our hearts to loveand the price of being loved fully, of being loved completely, in all of our parts.  We review why so many people refuse to be loved -- and we examine the psychological and human formation reasons for turning away from love.  Finally we discuss what we can do to get over our natural-level impediments to receiving love.   Lead-in  I am a rock I am an island I've built wallsA fortress deep and mightyThat none may penetrateI have no need of friendship -- friendship causes painIt's laughter and it's loving I disdainI am a rock I am an island I am a rock -- Paul Simon wrote it in 1965 and Simon and Garfunkel  Released it as a single in 1966, and it rose to #3 on the charts -- why because it resonated with people.  It was popular because it spoke out loud what many people's parts feel.   The desire to become a rock, the impulse to build the walls, to keep everyone out, to repudiate love and laughter, to not need anything or anyone.    Kate McGahan -- untitled poem   I don't need anyone, I said.Then you cameI need I need! I NEED YOU. I needed you.What did you teach me?Not to need you.NOT TO NEED. -  I don't want to be in love, anymore. I just want to be left alone. And no, I am not depressed or something. No suicide is happening here... I am fine. Trust me. Sharmajiassamwale So you want love.  But you also don't want love.  But you want love.  But you don't.  You do.  You don't.  You're conflicted.  How do you understand this conflict within you?  Can you and I understand this push-pull, this attraction - avoidance, this Yes and No within us more clearly.  Yes we can.  And we must.  Or we will wind up always skating along the edge of love, never really entering in.  And there are consequences for that -- and no one put it more succinctly than the English poet and playwright Robert Browning, who said: “Without love, our earth is a tomb”   Intro We do want to be loved, but we don't.  Why?  Because we want the benefits of love, but we don't want the costs   The Benefits To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.  David Viscott  If you don't have that memory of being loved, you are condemned to search the world for something to fill you up. -- Michael Jackson The costs.  Real love is given freely, but it is not received freely in this fallen world.   Almost no one talks about the costs of being loved.  I find that so strange.  People don't think this way.  There are costs to receiving love, to accepting love, to allowing love in to our hearts.   It's painful to be loved in this fallen world.  this is not well understood by many people, especially those who are not in touch with trauma, or who haven't suffered as much as others Bernard Brady's 2003 book "Christian Love: How Christians Through the Ages have Understood Love  Second sentence of the book, in the preface:  "Loving seems entirely natural and being loved seems wonderfully good." Not to many people RCC member -- so glad you can discuss tolerating being loved.     Real love -- Agape -- burns away things that are sinful within us -- it doesn't coexist with the vice within us. Bernard Brady: Christian Love, p. 16:  "…love transforms those who love and those who are loved."   Every true love and friendship is a story of unexpected transformation. If we are the same person before and after we loved, that means we haven't loved enough.”   ― Elif Shafak, The Forty Rules of Love Change is scary “Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.”― Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment    Real love also purifies us from anything that is not morally wrote, but that is disordered or dysfunctional or imperfect Real love is the greatest good.  And because it's the greatest good, it requires us to give up lesser goods.  Perceived good and actual goods.   Coping strategies, crutches that helped us in the past Analogy of the safe -- limited room, silver and gold.  Vulnerability I will lose what I have I will lose to possibility of being loved in the future I don't want to find out I am unlovable.  I can't bear that.    Because for love to be real, for love to be agape means me allowing you to love all of me.  All my parts.  My entire being Not just the acceptable parts of me in the shop window, those that I allow others to see.   The greatness of the adventure of loving can be intimidating Love, in some sense, is nothing other than an invitation to great joy and suffering, so they shy away from it.  Paul Catalanotto Refusal to love is also refusal to live  The Catholic Weekly  Dietrich von Hildrebrand those who "wish to linger with small joys in the state of harmless happiness … in which they feel themselves to be master of the situation … lacking any element of surprise or adventure.   Let's go on this adventure of being loved and loving together.  I want you to come with me into the themes of this podcast.  I want you to really engage with what I'm presenting to you.  Not just listen like the Athenians listened to Paul about the resurrection of the dead.  Acts 17:32: Now when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked; but others said, “We will hear you again about this.”  But they weren't really that interested.  Only a few of the Athenians joined him.  Stay with me in this Episode 96 of Interior Integration for Catholics, released on August 1, 2022, and titled "I Am a Rock: How Trauma Hardens us Against Being Loved" I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic and I am very pleased that we can share and engage with this information. Why do I think being loved is so important?   First because receiving love is absolutely essential.  It is our starting point in the spiritual life.  And second, because most people will not realxly allow themselves to be loved. Psychiatrist and Harvard Professor George Valliant wrote:  It's very hard, for most of us to tolerate being loved.-- That's been my experience as well.  The vast majority of people have chosen to severely limit how much love they will let in, how much love they will tolerate.   You can't love unless you are willing to be loved.   1 John 4:19:  We love because he first loved us  Look at the order here.  God loved us first.  We can't generate any love on our own.  We can reflect love, we can channel love, but we can't create love out of nothing like God can.  We have to cooperate in love and be open to love in order to love, in order to follow the two great commandments.   That is what this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast is all about -- it's about preparing the way for you to have a much deeper, richer and much more intimate relationship with God in the three Person of the Trinity -- Father, Son and Holy Spirit, and with the Blessed Virgin Mary our Mother.  A deep, personal relationship with God and Mary.  That's what  I want from you.  And if you won't tolerate taking in real love, if you deprive yourself of real love, you are going to wind up in a de facto hell on earth.  The most miserable people on earth are the loveless people -- loveless not because no one will love them -- but loveless because they actively or passively reject love.  And so many people do that.   And there are spiritual consequences to cutting ourselves off from real love.  Our heart become small, they become hard, they become closed, they become fearful, they fester in wounds.  And if we persist in refusing to be loved and to love, there is no other place for us to be in the afterlife than in hell.  That's what I think hell is -- a place for those who have refused love.  That's how serious all of this is.  Eternal consequences of the highest order.    Hallmark Movie Love What so many of our parts really want is what I call Hallmark movie love -- in Latin, this is rendered "Lovus Hallmarkius"  Hallmark love.  Yes, I've given it a ridiculous translation, but that because Hallmark love is not only a ridiculous concept, it's a dangerous one.  I mean it.  Really Dr. Peter -- all those sweet, feel-good Christmas movies?  What are you some kind of grinch, to criticize Hallmark movies?  I mean really, come on.. That's a bit much.  Hear me out, hear me out.   What is Hallmark love -- love is always just around the corner, painless, fun.  They are delightful.  Love is so gratifying and enjoyable, love takes away suffering. Clean and tidy.   It's a myth.  The Hallmark company is selling illusions.  Their movie production arm is peddling falsehoods about love to an audience who wants what they are offering to be true.  But it isn't.   Kristine Brown captured this theme in her online article Living in a Hallmark Movie  December 11, 2015  I want to live in a Hallmark movie.  I want to walk down the cobblestone Main Street into the corner coffee shop where everyone greets you with a smile and a Merry Christmas. I want to move to a new town where you immediately become acquainted with everyone and your child makes instant friends at school and there's always time to bake Christmas cookies and decorate trees and drink hot cocoa with peppermint sticks. I want to live in a Hallmark movie. I want to walk my child to school holding hands and have him tell me how much he loves me and what a great mom I am. I want to live where kids don't make bad choices and parents don't make mistakes. Where the toughest decision is whether to stay in the small town where you grew up or chase after a promising dream in the big city. Where things always just work out. And the movie always ends with a kiss from your true love and snow. Always snow. But life isn't a Hallmark movie, not even close. Example of the life of Christ -- the greatest lover ever, who died in making the greatest act of love ever, and it was nothing like a Hallmark movie.  We assume that we want love -- and we do.  Or parts of us do Made for love and in love -- That's a beautiful line in the Litanies of the Heart, written by Dr. Gerry for Souls and Hearts -- "Lord Jesus, you created me in love, for love."   Colossians 3:14  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.   Discussion of Parts Reference Episode 71: A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others   Definition of Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and a whole religion developed around its understanding of God, self, and the relationship between God and self.   Parts have different roles within the self system.  Narrow slice of experience, very limited vision.   Some parts don't care about being loved.  They are focused on never being hurt like that again.  They are focused on protection from harm, defending the self system against threats from others, very protective.  IIC 89:  Your Trauma, Your Body: Protection vs. Connection Conflict “I wished I didn't need an ocean of space to feel comfortable. I still wanted to be loved. Yet again I felt like two people: one who desperately needed a hug, and one who would break apart at the slightest touch. How could I get people to keep their distance without leaving completely? How long would it take for them to get tired of the way I flinched and evaded?” ― Ruby Walker, Advice I Ignored: Stories and Wisdom from a Formerly Depressed Teenager   Using a metaphor to describe how trauma hardens us against being loved  Overview Roots = unresolved trauma  Single trunk -- shame  Five Main stems -- acronym CRIES -- as in cries for help.    C R I E S -- Each of these main stems is driven by shame in the trunk, shame that results from the unresolved trauma in the roots.   Cognitions Relationships Identity Emotions Spirituality Each main stem has branches -- branches that cross and interweave in this big bush  And the branches have fruits.   Roots -- Unresolved trauma This includes the original trauma, original sin.   Underground, not seen --  Check out Episodes 88 and 89 -- a lot about the nature of trauma in those episodes  Primary effect of unresolved trauma is shame.   Single Trunk -- Shame Discussed shame at great length in Episodes 37 to 49 of this podcast.  Definitions of shame in episode 37:  Shame is:  a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal,  a judgement, and an action.   I encourage you to go through those episodes again -- really get a grip on shame, because understanding shame is the key to understanding almost all psychological dysfunction, and understanding shame is the key to really comprehending why you have difficulties with your human formation.  Can't stress that enough.   Shame -- the central role of shame. Issue of survival.  Life and death.  Deep assumptions that my shame is so bad that it will kill me.  Our protector parts assume they have a need to defend against our exiled parts that have burdens of shame -- protectors believe they have to keep the shame out of awareness, keep it buried, distant.  They don't know that we can work with shame and the parts that carry the shame in collaborative, cooperative, constructive ways.  Our protector parts don't know that shame can be resolved -- the burden of shame can be lifted and there can be healing.   “When you're a child trapped in a situation of physical or psychological deprivation, you learn shame as an efficient, elegant mechanism of survival: shame simultaneously shields you from the reality that danger is out of your control (since the problem is not that you're unloved and deprived; it's that you're Bad) and prevents you from doing or saying anything challenging that might provoke a threat.” ― Kai Cheng Thom, I Hope We Choose Love: A Trans Girl's Notes from the End of the World Go back and really get the shame piece of this.   Main Stems off the trunk:  Cognitions, Relationships, Identity, Emotions, Spirituality -- Acronym CRIES  Emotions  Stem:  Five aspects Grief, Anger, Fear, Flooding, Shutdown  -- GAFFS -- so many of these emotions are generated by the shame that results from unresolved trauma Love is affective -- Bernard Brady -- discussed this at length in episode 94  Love is a movement from your heart, your soul -- a movement from the innermost depths of your being.  From your core self.  So the emotions are intimately involved with love   Grief  Emotional reaction to deep sense of loss.   Sadness about what you don't have that you need.   Parts want to be seen and heard and known and loved by the one who might love you.  All of you wanting to be loved.  All of you wanting to be healed.  So parts surge up, wanting to come to the surface.   Parts that carry grief have never been loved -- never been connected with in an emotional way, never been included in relationship with your innermost self or with others.  Never been seen. Anticipatory Grief -- if I allow myself to be love, I could lose that love.  The one who loves me could die.     Fear -- this is an emotion that drives so much fleeing from love.  This really is the big one.   Philophobia -- fear of love  All of us have parts that fear love.  Being loved arouses anxiety because it threatens long-standing psychological defenses formed early in life in relation to emotional pain and rejection, therefore leaving a person feeling more vulnerable.  Robert Firestone Fears of being revealed Fears of vulnerability Fears of loneliness Fear of the unknown Fears of being hurt one more time -- like Charlie Brown and Lucy and the football, winding up flat on your back again. Fears of betrayal  Fears of abandonment So much of this fear is driven by shame.   All this fear is a barrier to being loved.   “To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.”  Betrand Russell All the bruised lives, searching hearts ... Everyone wants a love story but few will risk what it takes to live one. - Donna Lynn Hope Flooding:  Emotional overwhelm -- flooding.  Emotions become all dysregulated. Hyperarousal -- moving into fight or flight mode.  Intensity of emotions because very great. Often because old emotions from previous unresolved trauma are welling up -- parts that carry the burden of intense emotions want to be seen, heard, known and understood, they no longer want to be exiled, banished into the unconscious -- they want a voice, they want relationship they want redemptions.  Paul Simon  Don't talk of loveWell I've heard the word beforeIt's sleeping in my memoryI won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have diedIf I never loved I never would have criedI am a rock I am an island  “Our biggest challenge is that we have an overwhelming desire for an extraordinary love story but low capacity to hold space for it in our nervous system.”  ― Lebo Grand Dietrich von Hildebrand:  Fear of losing oneself in intense joys or griefs   Anger So much of this anger is driven by fear driven by shame  Our protector parts can use anger to distract from fear and grief.   Behind every angry soul is a wounded child that just wanted you to love them for who they are. Shannon L. Alder  Shutting down Avoiding inner experiences is one of Nathanson's four defensive scripts for avoiding shame.   Hypoarousal -- moving down out of the window of tolerance to the freeze mode.   Example of an electrical panel, or breaker panel v-- metal box with a door down in the basement or utility closet  with the main and the circuit breakers   Fruit: We have a very difficult time tolerating being loved when we are not in our window of tolerance.  Fight or flight mode or freeze mode -- we move very much into self-protection, to a focus on survival, on just perpetuating our existence.   We're not open to love -- we've moved into survival mode, not seeking connection.   We're not open to God.    Fr. Jacques Philippe, Searching for and Maintaining Peace:  The more our soul is peaceful and tranquil, the more God is reflected in it, the more His grace acts through us.  On the other hand, if our soul is agitated and troubled, the grace of God is able to act only with much greater difficulty… God is a God of peace.  He does not operate except in peace, not in trouble and agitation.  We need that emotional regulation, that sense of being in our window of tolerance to be able to connect with God.  So many times fear is identified as a barrier   Fear as a result of shame drove Adam and Eve into the bushes -- hiding from God John 14:27:  Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. Cognition Stem  Perceptions extremely sensitive to stimuli  Very vigilant -- scanning for threats in the environment   Negative self-talk I am unloved  I am unlovable  I don't deserved to be loved -- bred in families where there is conditional love -- unattainable ideals of perfection  I will be seen and I will see myself.   I might contaminate anyone who would love me with my badness.   I won't live up to the love.   Doubts fostered about goodness in the world, about the nature of others Skepticism about who actually makes the effort to love  Demanding perfection from others before trying again.  To have the chance of being loved we have to take a chance on being destroyed inside -- Jo Nesbo Pessimistic evaluation of the future No one will love me  I will be deceived, tricked and then betrayed, rejected, abandoned   Distractions Paul Simon:   I have my booksAnd my poetry to protect meI am shielded in my armor  Fruit we can dwell inwardly, on our own damage -- we can focus on our wounds.  Direct our attention to all the things that are wrong with us and pull inward -- self-absorption, ruminating and obsessing about our defects, curling up inside to protect ourselves, not letting anyone in.  So common.   Or we can reach out and embrace love anyway.  We can trust that parts of us may be seeing things inaccurately, thinking about things in ways that are distorted.   Identity Stem  Drawing from Robert Firestone's  Why Do So Many People Respond Negatively to Being Loved? article on psychalive.org  I am inadequate, unworthy of love “We accept the love we think we deserve.”– Stephen Chbosky   Being valued or seen in a positive light is confusing because it conflicts with the negative self-concept that many people form within their family.  Firestone Being loved can provoke an identity crisis  Firestone Your identity, at least for some of your parts, can be very bound up in being unloved and unloveable   Parts may not know who you are if you were loved -- such a radical change Very disconcerting to lose a sense of who I am, even if the identity is a negative one.   Comfort in the familiarity of the dysfunction I know -- so I accept and even seek out rejection and failure -- they are familiar and harmonize with my life narrative.   Deep sense of having to earn conditional love.  But that is not what love is about “Love is not concerned with a person's accomplishments, it is a response to a person's being: This is why a typical word of love is to say: I love you, because you are as you are.” ― Dietrich von Hildebrand, The Art of Living   Little or no ordered self-love -- we will be discussing ordered self love in the next episode.  One of Nathanson's four strategies to cope with shame is to attack the self.   Internal disconnects to survive the trauma -- horror of abuse  Love relationships pull for integration Love is never fragmented; it's an inseparable whole which does not delight in bits and pieces. John A. Andrews  And that integration will bring up the parts of ourselves that we have rejected as too scary, too unacceptable, too unlovable, too dangerous, too overwhelming, too much in some way to be allowed a seat at the table of our consciousness.   Takes a lot of courage to really be loved.   Ursula Wirtz, Trauma and Beyond: The Mystery of Transformation “I consider love to be the matrix for this transformation, which calls new being into existence. Love has the power to reawaken and bring to the fire what has been entombed or distorted by traumatic forces or has retreated out of defensiveness and self-protection. Without love and compassion for the fragility of human identity in the face of death and the reality of evil, the madness found in these barren spaces of the soul might not be meaningfully encountered. For the stripping away of the constricting cocoon of traumatic fixations and the untangling of what has become distorted and convoluted during painful traumatization, love is needed.”  ―  Fruit -- will we let our burdened parts define ourselves-- will we let those traumatized parts of us, and the parts that guard us from those traumatize parts be the ones to determine who we are -- with their limited vision and their narrow slice of experience -- or can we work gently with ourselves and allow ourselves to be seen through the eyes of those who do love us.   Relationship Love affirms the other, love responds to the other, love is unitive -- love is steadfast more of Bernard Brady's characteristics of Agape, of real love described in episode 94   Effects of Shame Lack of trust in others   Lack of confidence How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved. Sigmund Freud  Fear of exposure To myself  To the one who loves me   “To be deeply loved, means a willingness to cut yourself wide open, exposing your vulnerabilities... hopes, hurts, fears and flaws. Hiding behind the highlight reel of who you are, is the real you and that person is just as worthy of love. There is nothing more terrifying or fulfilling, than complete love, it's worth the risk... reach for it.”  ― Jaeda DeWalt Fear of rejection The fear of rejection makes sense: If we've had a steady diet of shame, blame, and criticism, we learned that the world is not a safe place. Something within us mobilizes to protect our tender heart from further stings and insults .The Hidden Reasons We Don't Let Love In  -- John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT   The one who loves me will hurt me. It's inevitable   Fruit in the Behaviors -- all focused around protection from the other leading to relationship sabotage Undue criticism of the other --you are not enough for me.  Withdrawal and isolation -- one of Nathanson's strategies for coping with shame. Paul Simon Hiding in my room safe within my wombI touch no one and no one touches meI am a rock I am an islandAnd a rock feels no painAnd an island never cries  Avoidance  Pursuing unavailable people I found myself in a pattern of being attracted to people who were somehow unavailable, and what I realized was that I was protecting myself because I equate the idea of connection and love with trauma and death.” ― Zachary Quinto Pushing others away Basically, love is scary when it contrasts with childhood trauma. In that situation, the beloved feels compelled to act in ways that hurt the lover: behaving in a punitive manner, distancing themselves and pushing love away.  Robert Firestone  “You push people away, Marley. You don't realise it, but you do. You close yourself off to anyone and anything that doesn't fit in your perfect little hamster ball of life. But you can't experience love only on your own terms. It doesn't work that way.”  ― Kate Lattey, Dream On Aggression -- Fueled by anger. Attacking others is one of Nathanson's four strategies of coping with shame.  Why do we attack?  We are afraid, we are struggling with shame.     “Those who love to be feared fear to be loved, and they themselves are more afraid than anyone, for whereas other men fear only them, they fear everyone.     St. Francis de Sales   Emotionally disconnecting from the relationship Out of anger. Harden my Heart -- 1982 Hit Sung by Quarterflash  … I'm gonna harden my heart, I'm gonna swallow my tears, I'm gonna turn and leave you here  Out of fear and shame   “Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the ‘off' position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - ‘the lost child' - who is forced to ‘choose' and habituate to the freeze response… Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical dissociation.” ― Pete Walker Dietrich von Hildebrand -- shrinking away from commitment.   Difficulties receiving partial, incomplete, imperfect love -- as replacements for God's love Glazed carrots.  Side dish, not the main entrée.   Mother Angelica's Little Book of Life Lessons And Everyday Spirituality :  Allow people to love you as they must love you, not as you want them to love you. Even God does not love us as we wish Him to. Learning to love is learning to accept love as it comes   Spiritual Disconnecting from God, who is love.   Human beings must be known to be loved; but Divine beings must be loved to be known.  Blaise Pascal We to love God to know Him  And so we have to find him lovable -- and so often parts of us don't find him lovable.   Need for Faith and Hope -- Infused virtues.   To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us. Timothy Keller everyone wants perfect love... no one wants to be a perfect lover... - Author: Brijesh Singh   Being loved by God is often even more difficult I John 4:8  "…God is love."  Issues around God images (IIC 23-29)  God is not as tangible, immediate  Transferences to God  Projections onto God.   Edward Vacek:  Love, Human and Divine: The Heart of Christian Ethics.  The sequence in loving and being loved.    (1) God affirms us; (2) God receives a; (3) we accept God's love; (4) we affirm God; (5) God forms community with us; (6) we cooperate with God in loving God in the world; and finally (7) we grow in a limited code responsibility with God. p.. 177 Problems with the sequence -- not tolerating enough contact with God  to be affirmed, to understand him in a totally different way.   1 John 4:19:  We love because he first loved us   Active vs. passive refusal to be loved.   Active refusals to be loved are more obvious Passive refusals to be loved are more common.   Five attachment tasks Felt sense of safety and protection -- have to go through the valley of shame, fear, anger, grief  Feeling seen, heard, known and understood -- have to tolerating being in relationship, being present.   Feeling comforted, soothed and reassured  Feeling cherished, treasured, delighted in   “If your parents' faces never lit up when they looked at you, it's hard to know what it feels like to be loved and cherished. If you come from an incomprehensible world filled with secrecy and fear, it's almost impossible to find the words to express what you have endured. If you grew up unwanted and ignored, it is a major challenge to develop a visceral sense of agency and self-worth.” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma Feeling the other has your best interests at heart Love heals The more healthy relationships a child has, the more likely he will be to recover from trauma and thrive. Relationships are the agents of change and the most powerful therapy is human love. — Bruce D. Perry  “Love alone brings a human being to full awareness of personal existence. For it is in love alone that man finds room enough to be what he is.” ― Dietrich von Hildebrand, Man, Woman, and the Meaning of Love   “Trauma ruptures and hollows. Compassion mends and fills; love heals.” ― Na'ama Yehud There you have it from a trauma researcher, a philosopher, and a writer --  Example of Sr. Josephine Bakhita Born about 1869 in the village of Olgossa in the Darfur region of Sudan. She was a member of the Daju people  Uncle was a tribal chief, well-to-do family  At age 8, kidnapped by slave traders, forcerd to walk barefoot 600 miles to a slave market  Over the next 12 years, bought and sold many times, at least 12 times  Trauma of the abduction -- Forgot her given name in captivity -- consider that - - a loss of identity   Owners varied in their treatment of her.  Some were sadists  Family of  Turkish general Josephine wrote that as soon as one wound would heal, they would inflict another.  another woman drew patterns on her skin with flour, then cut into her flesh with a blade. She rubbed the wounds with salt to make the scars permanent. She would suffer a total of 114 scars from this abuse. A total of 114 intricate patterns were cut into her breasts, belly and into her right arm   I am definitively loved and whatever happens to me --  I am awaited by this Love.  Action Plan You gotta pray   Point is to focus on developing the relationship with the Persons of the Trinity and with Mary -- as a little child, a little son or daughter.   Litanies of the Heart - the Litany of the Closed Heart the litany of the fearful heart, the litany of the wounded heart.  Soulsandhearts.com/lit Books Intimacy in Prayer -- Personal Prayer:  A Guide for Receiving the Father's Love -- by Frs. Thomas Acklin and Boniface Hicks.  Fr. Jacques Philippe -- Time for God -- excellent guide for learning pray from a more relational perspective.  I also like Fr. Jacques Philippe's book The way of Trust and Confidence  Fr. Thomas Dubay -- Fire Within -- more of a Carmelite approach.  If you haven't been to confession recently, go.  If you feel like you can't go, I want to hear about it.   Calling all Catholic therapists and -- Interior Therapist Community is starting our fall groups.   80 therapists and graduate students in mental health fields in community -- each of us working on our own human formation, but not in isolation.  New Foundations experiential groups are forming -- and we have advanced groups.   2022 Webinar Series: Of Beams and Specks: Therapist-Focused Consultation - Peter Malinoski  $30 Soulsandhearts.com/itc -- call me at 317.567.9594 or email at crisis@soulsandhearts.com  Weekly reflection -- related to this podcast, delivered to your inbox every Wednesday --  We do get around to archiving them in the blog section of our website -- soulsandhearts.com/blog Conversation hours -- every Tuesday and Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time call me at 317.567.9594 or email at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  If I don't pick up, I'm on another call leave a voicemail.   Patroness and Patron.

Summary:  In this episode, we focus on how unresolved trauma undermines and sabotages both our capacity and our inclination to love well.  We explore how unresolved trauma impacts each of the five characteristics of love -- compromising our ability to love in an affective (emotional), affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast way.  We also dive into how so trauma pulls us to focus inward, and to protect ourselves, undercutting the vulnerability and willingness to engage that are required for deep love and we discuss hope for change.   Lead-in  They say love is blind, but it's trauma that's blind. Love sees what is.“ — Neil Strauss, The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships And Neil Strauss is right on that.  Love connects with reality.  With God who is the ultimate realness, the ultimate being, the I AM.   Trauma is blind and it blinds us.  That's what we are talking about today.  Trauma and its impact on live.   Intro: Dear listener, You and I are together in the adventure of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am thankful to be with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, Why are we here?  We are here together to bring you the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith. So we can have the best of both.  That's why.   Today, we're going to take a broad perspective, a bird's-eye view of trauma's destructive consequences to our capacity to love.  What is the effect of trauma on our capacity and inclination to love?  That is the question for us to explore together today.   So welcome to episode 95,  of Interior Integration for Catholics, titled Trauma's Devastating Impact on our Capacity to Love, released on July 4, 2022, Independency Day in the USA, This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com.   Review Trauma.  We are in the midst of  whole series of episodes on trauma.  So just a brief thumbnail review.   Started with Episode 88 Trauma: Defining and Understanding the Experience  Really important to understand the inner experience of trauma -- so you can recognize it in your own life and recognize it an empathetic and attuned way in others' loves.  Part of loving them.   Episode 89 Your Trauma, Your Body: Protection vs. Connection --  a current understanding of how large a role our bodies have in our experience of trauma.  Our bodies.   Episode 90:  Your Well-Being: The Secular Experts Speak  we review how philosophers and modern secular psychologists understand mental health and well-being.  In this episode, we look at the attempts to define what make us happy, from the 4th century BC to the present day.  Aristippus, Aristotle, Descartes, Freud, Seligman, Porges, Schwartz, and two diagnostic systems.  We take a special look at how positive psychology and Internal Family Systems see well-being.   Episode 92:  Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB  neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) and what IPNB can show us about psychological health.  We review the triangle of well-being, the nature of secure attachments, and the basis for mental health from an IPNB perspective.  We examine the characteristics of a healthy mind and how it functions, and the two signs that reliable indicate all psychological symptoms and mental dysfunction.  We discuss the nine domains of integration Three inner experiential exercises in Episode 93 Episode 94:  The Primacy of Love  In this episode, I discuss the central importance of love as the marker of well-being from a Catholic perspective -- our capacity to live out  the two great commandments.  We explore how love is the distinguishing characteristics of Christians, and we discussed Catholic theologian Bernard Brady's five attributes or characteristics of love -- how love is affective, affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast.  We discuss what is commonly missing from philosophical and theological approaches to love, and we briefly touch in the death of love and distortions of love.  So check those out if you haven't already.  This    Going to address love in general -- focusing on loving  In future episodes, will review  Tolerating being loved Brady quxote   Ordered self-love   The experience of trauma screws up our loves -- where we go to find good.  It screws up where we are seeking, how we seek to be loved and how we seek to love.   St. Augustine:   He lives in justice and sanctity who is an unprejudiced assessor of the intrinsic value of things.  He is a man who has an ordinate love: he neither loves what should not be loved nor fails to love what should be loved. On Christina Doctrine, I, 27 We need ordered love.  Why -- Bernard Brady put it -- Because we become like what we love.  Whatever we embrace in our love, we become like that person or that thing.   As Augustine considered the dissipation of this youth, he wrote "I loved beautiful things of a lower order, and I was going down to the depths."   Confessions.   So much of the problem with disordered love  comes from misdirected seeking to get your attachment needs meet.  That's the problem. We have legitimate attachment needs  Trauma strips away our sense of  A felt sense of Safety and security Feeling seen, heard, known and understood Feeling comforted, soothed, reassured Feeling cherished, treasured, delighted in Feel the other person wills my highest good.   All from Brown and Elliott 2016, Attachment disturbances in Adults Where do we find our safety and security?  In both the natural and spiritual realms, we find it in attachment security needs being met.  Five primary attachment security needs (Brown and Elliott)  A felt sense of safety and protection, a deep sense of security, felt in my bones It makes it so much easier to love when we feel safe and secure.    "People want to be safe, and comfortable. If safety and comfort is to be found in guns, then they will take up guns—of their own accord, in their own need. And when safety and comfort are found in libraries, then the guns rust.“ — Algis Budrys American writer  Source: Some Will Not Die (1961), Chapter 6 (p. 122)   Feeling seen, heard, known, and understood   I want, by understanding myself, to understand others.“ — Katherine Mansfield New Zealand author 1888 - 1923 Being comforted, soothed, and reassured Feeling valued, cherished, treasured, delighted in You are my sunshine published by Jimmie Davis and Charles Mitchell on January 30, 1940   You are my sunshineMy only sunshineYou make me happyWhen skies are grayYou'll never know, dearHow much I love youPlease don't take my sunshine away Feeling that the other person wills my highest good, the best for me We have to turn inward to find the road to God.   Etienne Gilson explained Augustine's approach to God as "a path leading from the exterior to the interior and from the interior to the superior."  Gilson, The Christian Philosophy of St. Augustine p. 20 Charles Taylor:  Sources of the Self: By going inward, I am drawn upward.  The Making of Modern Identity 134 Turning inward is the route to God, not God.  Brady, 120 Often resisted by Catholics as being selfish.   Edward Vacek:  Love, Human and Divine: The Heart of Christian Ethics.  The steps in loving and being loved.    (1) God affirms us; (2) God receives a; (3) we accept God's love; (4) we affirm God; (5) God forms community with us; (6) we cooperate with God in loving God in the world; and finally (7) we grow in a limited code responsibility with God. p.. 177 1 John 4:19 We love, because he first loved us.     Last episode -- Bernard Brady's description of the five characteristics of Love  Christian Love: How Christians through the Ages have Understood Love.-- drawing heavily from the work of phenomenologists  Jules Toner and Margaret Farley Love is affective, affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast.  (repeat)  Five characteristics.  Five aspects.  Repeat.   We described and discussed these at length in the last episode, episode 94 of the IIC podcast, The Primacy of Love  We will briefly review each of them And then discuss how trauma impacts each of them, bringing in the effects or the sequelae of trauma from Episode 88 --  Trauma: Defining and Understanding the Experience.   Love is affective  Love is an emotion Love is a movement from your heart, your soul -- a movement from the innermost depths of your being.  From your core self.  St. Thomas Aquinas in the Summa:  Consequently the freezing or hardening of the heart is a disposition incompatible with love: while melting denotes a softening of the heart, whereby the heart shows itself to be ready for the entrance of the beloved.“ Love rejoices in the beloved  Love rejoices in the beloved -- Protestant Theologian R.H. Neibuhr writes in his 1977 book the Purpose of the Church and Its Ministry:  By love, we mean at least these attitudes and actions: rejoicing in the presence of the beloved, gratitude, reverence, and loyalty toward him.  p.35 „After a traumatic experience, the human system of self-preservation seems to go onto permanent alert, as if the danger might return at any moment.“  Judith Herman Brené Brown US writer and professor 1965 Source: The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are  Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.  Misattributed to Sigmund Freud Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength. Brady:  Love is the directive and dominant center of emotions.  p. 267  Many emotions are associated with love Delight, Bliss, Happiness  A sense of fulfillment  Warmth  Grief  Sadness  Anxiety  Distress   If there is no emotion, there is no agape, no love.  The heart must be moved for love to be anything like complete.  We cannot love like a Vulcan, like Mr. Spock without emotion.  „Even the most elevated psychological understanding is not a loving understanding.“ — Karl Jaspers German psychiatrist and philosopher 1883 - 1969 Effects of trauma -- from episode 88, Trauma: Defining and Understanding the experience  Emotional and Psychological effects Emotional overwhelm  Shock  Shame as an emotion  Guilt  Irritability, anger, rage   Anxiety, fear, panic attacks, phobia, panic attacks, Fears of trauma repeating Jenny Han, book Always and Forever, Lara Jean  Being vulnerable, letting people in, getting hurt… it's all part of being in love.   Sadness, depression  Mood swings   Hopelessness, despair Emotional constriction, shutting down Difficulty experiencing positive emotions Anhedonia Apathy Brady 273.  Love does not die because of hate but because of apathy.   Cognitive Effects -- impact on sensation, perceptive, higher-order thinking Alexithymia -- inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions -- can't put my feelings into words.   Can't conceptualize your feelings either Feelings in others could be overwhelming -- can't recognize what others are feeling Can't express my feelings well Can't connect affectively, emotionally. That takes vulnerability   Confusion, distraction  Spacing out with dissociation   Physical Effects of trauma -- preoccupation with the body   Behavioral Symptoms Relational apathy  Social withdrawal   Existential Symptoms Despair about humanity -- overgeneralized to the other person  Cynicism  Disillusionment   Identity issues -- shame.   I'm not worth you connecting emotionally with me What could I ever offer you emotionally? I'm such a downer. Strong self-criticism  Fragmentation Love is affirming Love affirms the other  Love says yes to the other person at the same time as love says yes to oneself.   "Agape is the simple yet profound recognition of the worthiness of and goodness in persons."  p. 268  Edward Vacek:  Love is an affective, affirming participation in the goodness of a being (or Being).… Love is an emotional, affirming participation the dynamic tendency of an object to realize its fullness.”  Brene Brown -- Rising Strong  Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.“   Affirmation happens at two levels One level is the basic level of human dignity shared by all persons.   Second level of affirmation is the uniqueness of the person.   When you love your neighbor you truly see the other as a person.   Jules Toner, SJ -- "I love you because you are you." We need to affirm at both levels.  The basic dignity of the person and the uniqueness of the person.   Affirmation implies acceptance of the other and knowledge of the other.    This is not an endorsement of the other's vices or bad habits, but a recognition of them and an acceptance of who the person is as an entire being.  Not picking and choosing the attractive bits.  Self-acceptance of the same things. Affirmation requires freedom -- freedom to get outside the self.   Effects of trauma  Emotional and Psychological effects  Turning inward -- self-protection. Connections vs. protection -- Episode 89 Where is the safety?   How can I escape the danger?  Not letting anyone in to love me.   Feeling disconnected or numb or detached -- dorsal vagal response.  Freeze response.  Deer in the headlights Bodily response Emotional Constriction, Shutdown   Shame -- what is my affirmation of you worth?  I'm not worth much, my affirmation isn't worth much.  Feeling very fragile, vulnerable -- not resilient enough --  I can't engage  Irritability, hostility,  Depression -- lethargy  Mood swings -- unpredictability, others can't trust me.   Emotional detachment, disconnection -- in relationships  Helplessness  Difficulty experiencing positive emotions  How can I reach out?  White knuckling. Feels very forced.  Cognitive Effects -- impact on sensation, perceptive, higher-order thinking Racing thoughts -- so distracting, I can attend to you, I can't attune to you, I can't affirm you.  My house is on fire.   Extreme alertness - suspicion of you -- are you a threat?  Will you trigger me?   Physical Effects   Behavioral Symptoms Argumentative behavior  Social withdrawal and relational apathy.  Avoidance   Existential Symptoms Ruminating about evil in the world   Identity issues -- shame If I affirm you I will see myself in a bad light because of my shame  Affirmation involved a positive evaluation -- so tempting to see myself negatively.   Fragmentation  Lack of affirmation from the whole self Toner [Radical love] "is giving self; for it is myself who am in the loved one by my love, not merely by my possessions, or even my thoughts, my wit, my joy, my wisdom, my strength.  It is I myself."   Toner:  Loving someone in depth… Means loving from the lovers most personal self, with sincerity, intensity, endurance… To affectively affirm this unique person in a response informed by full, detailed knowledge, which catches the delicate shadings of his profoundest attitudes, moods, likes, and dislikes, ideals, fears, hopes, capabilities, weaknesses, etc.  The experience of love 160   Love is Responsive  Love is an active response for the well-being of the other.  This is where Brady includes benevolence.  It's about participating in the promotion of the highest good for the other, potential for the other's full humanity. How can I help you to flourish?  How can I help you toward your highest good?   This is where self-sacrifice comes in.   love will call for self-sacrifice.   Responsiveness implies an attunement to the other -- a resonance, and understanding.  The capacity to respond well.  It's not just any responsiveness.  The ability to be aware of and to respond effectively to the needs of my neighbor.  So there is a capacity about this.  It's not just an act of the will.  Attunement can be described as a kind of resonance.  Toner:  Radical love is experience as being in accord with the loved one, vibrating as it were, in harmony with the beloved's act of being and so with the whole melody of the beloved's life.  It is a welcoming of the loved one into the lover's self and his life-world, as fitting there, making a harmony with the lover's being and life.   But there must also be action:  "Let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action."  ` John 3:18. Parents "Doing the best they can"  Love bottled up inside.  -- Not expressed.  Then it's not love.  Love that is not shared, that is not relational is not love.   Brene Brown:  Of all the things trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even our ability, to be vulnerable. There's a reclaiming that has to happen.  Rising Strong 2015 Madeleine L'Engle Walking on water (1980) When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability… To be alive is to be vulnerable.  To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.“ — Clive Staples Lewis, book The Four Loves   The Letter of James 2:45-17.   What does it profit, my brethren, if a man says he has faith but has not works? Can his faith save him? If a brother or sister is ill-clad and in lack of daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what does it profit?  So faith by itself, if it has no works, is dead. Responsive to needs  Not just physical needs, but the emotional needs, psychological needs, relational needs   St. Bernard of Clairvaux:  We must remember that love reveals itself, not by words or phrases, but by actions and experience.  It is Love with speaks here, and if anyone wished to understand it, let him first love.   Effects of trauma  Emotional and Psychological effects Overwhelm  Shock  Shame  Irritability, anger, rage  Anxiety, fear, apprehension  Guilt  Sadness, depression, grief  Helplessness, despair  Mood swings -- swept away by our own experience  Anhedonia -- difficulty experiencing positive emotions.  Apathy   Protection vs. connection.  I'm on fire inside, I am frozen inside.  It's chaotic inside Intense self-preoccupation.  Not selfishness.  It's really hard to judge the moral quality of these things accurately.   When we are preoccupied with the intensity of our own experience, it's hard to be responsive to the other person.     Cognitive Effects -- impact on sensation, perceptive, higher-order thinking “When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are re-experiencing and reenacting the past - they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen.”  ― Bessel Van Der Kolk Difficulty concentrating, even focusing on the other person.  Confusion.  Others sense the disconnect.  Not attuned.    Guardedness -- protecting against vulnerability Questioning "Why me?" makes it hard to respond to you.     Physical Effects Behavioral Symptoms Startle responses   Argumentative behavior Social withdrawal and relational apathy.  Avoidance Reducing activity levels Existential Symptoms I am permanently damaged.  How could I ever be responsive in love.  Who would want me?  Can be unconscious.   Identity issues -- shame I am permanently damaged.   Fragmentation -- not a consistent, complete, unified response to the other -- partial responses that seem very incomplete, maybe insincere to the other person.  Love requires our whole being Fr. Jules Toner:  in the full concrete experience of love, our whole being, spirit and flesh, is involved: cognitive acts, feelings and affections, freedom, bodily reactions – all these are influencing each other and all are continually fluctuating in such a way as to change the structure and intensity of the experience. The experience of love. P. 65 Love is Unitive Brady:  The fruit of love is unity.  Love unites.  It is in the very nature of love to bring together.  p. 279  Brady:  When you love, you step out of yourself and experience the other.   There is still a separateness.  Not a blending or a fusion or a loss of identity.  But you are no longer just within yourself.  You've entered into the space of another.   And you've allow the other to enter into your space Loving an enemy -- you are like me.  We are similar on a fundamental human level -- No dehumanization.  Agape pulls for unity, even with strangers.   The mystics describe the unity we are called to in God -- Union with God.   Jules Toner: Radical love is not a tendency affection but a being affection by which I am in union with, am present with the loved one.   Effects of trauma -- Protection vs. Connection  Emotional and Psychological effects Emotional instability, inconsistency -- unpredictability.  Makes it hard for the other to trust you.   Preoccupation pulls you inside -- guilt, shame -- self protection. St. Augustine:  "..if [a man] loves himself on his own account, he does not turn himself toward God, but being turned toward himself, he does not care for anything immutable…."  On Christian Doctrine, Book 1, Chapter 22  And the why doesn't matter nearly so much as people think it does.   Evil comes from loving some good thing inordinately -- blog post on this -- check it out.  Dangerous love, from June 22, 2022 That good thing might be the means that parts of us are seeking to try to provide us with a sense of safety and security.   Fear of vulnerability When trust is lost, traumatized people feel that they belong more to the dead than to the living.“ — Judith Herman Trauma and Recovery  Love is a battlefield  -Pat Benatar 1983 -- music video about all the conflict with her father, and with others seeking to use her as a sexual object.   Fear of overwhelming suffering  Shutdown  Alexithymia   Cognitive Effects -- impact on sensation, perceptive, higher-order thinking Distraction, rumination, racing thoughts interfere with capacity to attune, to unite  So much internal stimulation -- so much internal noise -- makes it difficult to resonate with the other person, to really understand the other -- to enter into the other's phenomenological world.   So much of that distraction is around finding safety and protection -- cognitive restlessness  Dissociation and disconnections are experienced as off-putting.  Have you ever been with someone who is spacing out when you are talking with them?   Physical Effects   Behavioral Symptoms Blaming  Discharging anger and aggression -- parts so want to be heard and healed.   Desperation can lead to boundary crossings and boundary violations.   Attempts to use the other person to meet intense needs -- not a conscious effort to exploit the other, but exploitation can happen anyway.   Existential Symptoms Shame -- feeling unworthy of connection  Not knowing who I am -- makes it really complicated to be in relationship.   Identity issues Fragmentation - which part of me is uniting with you right now? What are other parts doing.   The need for disconnects within in order to not be overwhelmed - inevitably leads to disconnects with other people You can't give what you don't have.   I'm not lovable, why would you want to be united with me?   Dissociation Identity alteration: The sense of being markedly different from another part of yourself  Identity confusion: A sense of confusion about who you really are   we will have a lot more to say about dissociation in future episodes, but for now -- disconnection. I need to know who I am and I need to know who you are to know who we are together, in relationship.  Love is steadfast God's love endures.  Psalm 891-2  I will sing of thy steadfast love, O Lord,[a] for ever;     with my mouth I will proclaim thy faithfulness to all generations.For thy steadfast love was established for ever,  It may not always be mutual or reciprocal People want predictability Steadfastness requires resilience, to roll with the punches in the relationship.  Any close relationship will have conflicts and difficulties. The fragility in the system that trauma imposes is a real obstacle to resilience necessary to be steadfast in relationship, to not quit and walk away from loving the other person.   Jules Toner:  "The lover is present to the loved one and has the loved one present to himself."   The experience of love, 117 Effects of trauma  Emotional and Psychological effects Mood swings -- effect of different parts, each with its own intense emotions  Helplessness -- despair -- can be intermittent  Emotional shutdown -- dorsal vagal response.   Being reactivated or triggered emotionally.   Disappointment in the other -- you are not helping me Can lead to frustration and rejection.   Cognitive Effects -- impact on sensation, perceptive, higher-order thinking Intrusive thoughts, intrusive memories.   Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, body, from memories or sense of identity. This disconnection is automatic and completely out of the person's control. Amnesia: Often described as "gaps" in memory that can range from minutes to years  Depersonalization: Feeling disconnected from your body or thoughts  Derealization: Feeling disconnected from the world around you   Physical Effects Impact of hyperarousal  Impact of hypoarousal   Behavioral Symptoms Withdrawal  Avoidance -- refusal of consistent vulnerability  Alcohol and drug use   „For me, vulnerability led to anxiety, which led to shame, which led to disconnection, which led to Bud Light.“ — Brené Brown US writer and professor 1965 Source: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead  Switching among parts Existential Symptoms Deep sense of not being loved, not being lovable  There is no love in the world.  At least not for me.  So why unite with anyone.  Loss of meaning and purpose.  Identity issues Fragmentation  Unstable identity makes it hard to be consistent in the loving   The death of love Brady 273.  Love does not die because of hate but because of apathy.  The death of love is often preceded by the denial of the basic dignity of the other.  The death of love happens when we reject instead of affirm the other's special personal and unique goodness.  The death of love is encouraged when we ignore the other's needs and wants while prioritizing our own wants.  The deal of love occurs when we pursue discord, division, disassociation, and distance in the place of unity.   That is sin.   Malice is not necessary for love to die.  Apathy doesn't have malice in it. In apathy, the other does not register in your consciousness.  He or she doesn't matter. He or she doesn't exist for you.   We don't have to active deny the basic dignity of the other.  We just have to not notice it.  Not attend to it We don't have to actively reject the other's special and unique goodness, we just have to not notice it, not attend to it.   We don't have to actively ignore the other's needs and wants -- we just have to be preoccupied with our own trauma and its effects.     Hope Romans 8:28 We know that in everything God works for good[a] with those who love him,[b] who are called according to his purpose.  Julian of Norwich:  And because of the tender love which our good Lord has for all who will be saved, he comforts readily and sweetly, meaning this: it is true that sin is the cause of all this pain, but all will be well, and every kind of thing will be well.   Widow's mite Luke 21:1-4  He looked up and saw rich people putting their gifts into the treasury; 2 he also saw a poor widow put in two small copper coins. 3 He said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put in more than all of them; 4 for all of them have contributed out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty has put in all she had to live on.”  Ratios   Martin Luther King:  Love even for enemies is the key to the solution of the problems of the world.  Strength to Love 47-48  Psychologist Peter Levine:  Trauma is hell on earth. Trauma resolved is a gift from the gods.  Romans 5:20 ..where sin increased, grace abounded all the more,  1 John 3:1  See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Romans 8 35-39  Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?  As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.   Call to Action Kent Keith The Paradoxical Commandments -- Resilience.  Mother Theresa had pinned this up in one of her convents.    People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.   Love them anyway.If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.   Do good anyway.Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.   Be honest and frank anyway.What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.   Build anyway.People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.   Help people anyway.Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.   Give the world the best you have anyway.   Where we are going If you want to love, you have to first be loved and know you are loved.   Tolerating being loved -- many people assume that we just want to be loved -- that's not anything like entirely accurate.  1 John 4:19 We love, because he first loved us. Ordered self love.    Check out our blogs -- weekly email reflections  June 15 -- Seven ways to understand sin     Sin as breaking the law    Sin as a burden    Sin as a debt    Sin as “missing the mark”    Sin as a violating your conscience    Sin as breaking or harming relationships    Sin as the failure to love, or the “anti-love” June 22  Dangerous Love -- we really get into St. Augustine's description of sin as a disordered or misdirected love, and I share how when we that misdirected love is oriented toward getting our attachment needs met, it's not only misdirected love, it's a dangerous love.   June 29 Conflicting loves inside you -- we get into how to understand the conflicting loves inside of us -- from a parts perspective -- multiplicity and unity of the self.   Email me crisis@soulsandhearts.com  -- call my cell 317.567.9594 any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern time for conversation hours.   Let others know about this podcast.  Put the word out.  There's somebody you know dealing with trauma -- get them on board with the rest of us with the IIC podcast.  All the major podcast player -- Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Audible, Podbean, Podchaser, CastBox, Overcast, Podcast Addict, all of them, we're on all of them.  Soulsandhearts.com/iic You have until July 10.  The RCC -- Come with me on an adventure.  Come with me on an adventure of being loved and of loving.  That is what the Resilient Catholic Community is all about.  Check out the Resilient Catholics Community at soulsandhearts.com/RCC  The RCC is all about working through your human formation issues -- the ones that inhibit you from receiving the love you need and from loving God completely, with every fiber of your being, with your body,  with all your parts, with all your emotions, thoughts, all your inner experience with all of you, with no part of you left behind, no part of you left out.   It's all about learning to be gentle but firm with yourself -- it's all about integration.  It's all about resilience.   All about restoration -- recovering from being dominated by shame, fear, anger, sadness, pessimism, whatever your struggle is in the depths of your human formation And we do this work experientially -- so many experiential exercises -- this is not just intellectual knowledge, we're working with all of you. Informed by Internal Family Systems and the best of the rest of psychological and human formation resources  All grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person  All focused on helping you to better accept love and to love more fully, to carry out the two great commandments of our Lord.   Are you up for the challenge?  Would you like to join me and the rest of the pioneers in this adventure?  Do you want to be a part of the community?   Are you ready to prevail over whatever hinders your human formation -- would you like to no longer be dominated by fear, anger, shame, sadness, pessimism?  And would you like to be with other like-minded Catholics on the journey -- If so join me.  Join all of us in the Resilient Catholics Community.  The RCC We are taking applications throughout until July 10 -- extended the deadline.   for our third cohort, those in that cohort will start their adventure in June and July by taking our Initial Measures Kits and be getting feedback on their parts in a personal Zoom session with me.  It's a great chance for us to get to know each other, really know each other at the level of parts.  You'll get a 5 or 6 page report on your internal system and then be eligible for our weekly company meetings and programming to begin in late August or early September.   Talk with me about it in conversation hours call my cell 317.567.9594 any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern time for conversation hours.   Patroness and Patron   

Summary, In this episode, I discuss the central importance of love as the marker of well-being from a Catholic perspective -- our capacity to live out  the two great commandments.  We explore how love is the distinguishing characteristics of Christians, we detail the eight different kinds of love, and we discuss Catholic theologian Bernard Brady's five attributes or characteristics of love -- how love is affective, affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast.  We discuss what is commonly missing from philosophical and theological approaches to love, and we briefly touch in the death of love and distortions of love.   Lead-in I want to speak to you from my heart today.  I want to share with you heart to heart about what it most important to me.  And maybe what is most important to you.  I want to talk with you today about love.  Real love.  Fundamental Love. Radical love.  The real thing.  Not the counterfeits of love that you and I have pursued in our lives in one way or another -- the fakes loves we've mistaken for real love, or the lesser loves that we've tried to inflate into more than they could possibly be.  I think love is not only the most essential experience in the whole world, it's also the most confusing for us.  Think about it.  What else has confused you more than love?  What has been more enduringly puzzling than love?  What has been more elusive for you?  What has been more enigmatic than love in your life?  What have you struggled with more than love?   Love -- the word is evocative.  The word is provocative, it stirs us up.  You parts react in so many different ways to the word love.  And so that's where we are going today.  Into the mystery of love.   Intro: Maybe you are feeling like you're just struggling to survive.  I want more for you than that. Maybe much of the time you feel like things are OK, maybe pretty good. I want more for you than that.   I want to share with you the very best of what I have with you on the central focus of well-being from a Catholic perspective.     Broad overview  Let's review a little.  In episode 88, we began a series on trauma with that piece Trauma: Defining and Understanding the Experience -- that one was a huge hit -- so many people interested in it, by far the most downloads of any episode.   In episode 89, called Your Trauma, Your Body: Protection vs. Connection -- we did a deep dive into the effects of trauma on the body, really understanding trauma from the perspective of Polyvagal theory by Steven Porges and Deb Dana.   From there, though, I really wanted to look at well-being -- how does secular psychology understand well-being --  It's so important to understand what well-being is, what it looks like, how it feels.  So many people have never really experienced well being.  It's possible that you've never really experienced well-being.   So I started a subseries on well-being within the broader trauma series.   So shared with you the secular views of well being in Episodes 90 and 92 of this podcast We really dived into what the best of current psychological theorizing says about well-being  Episode 90  Your Well-Being: The Secular Experts Speak DSM 5 -- which doesn't have a description of well being  PDM 2  Hedonic Well-being  Eudemonic Well-being  Freud's ideas of well-being  Contributions of Positive Psychology - pioneered by Martin Seligman  Polyvagal Theory -- Stephen Porges, Deb Dana  Internal Family Systems   Episode 92 Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB Interpersonal Neurobiology -- Daniel Siegel -- a lot to say about the healthy mind, a sense of well-being.  Very well developed.   Episode 93 consisted of three experiential exercises The first on the ways in which you reject yourself or condemn yourself as a person  The second on protection vs. connection -- your internal reactions to your wounds.  That one was based off of polyvagal theory  The third was on exploring your own inner chaos and rigidity within -- based off of Daniel Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology and one point he makes is that all psychological symptoms can be thought in terms of rigidity and/or chaos.  Rigidity and chaos are signs of having lost a sense of well-being.   I invite you to check those out if you haven't already, there's a lot of opportunities in those experiential exercises for you to do your inner work.   As you know, I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, passionate Catholic, and I am the voice of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics In this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we take on the most important psychological questions.  We take the most important human formation issues head on, directly, without mincing words, without trepidation, without vacillation, without hesitation -- We are dealing with the most important concerns in the natural realm, the absolute central issues that we need to address with all of our energy and all of our resources.   And up until now, the most important episodes I've done are numbers 37 to 49 -- that was the 13-episode series on shame.  Why?  Because shame is the major driver of so much emotional distress, so many identity issues, and so many psychological symptoms.   But these new few episodes, these episodes on well-being from a Catholic perspective, informed first by the perennial wisdom of the Catholic Church, and then secondarily by the best of psychological science, theory, research and practice, these episodes on love, these are the most important.  Why?  Because, in two words, love heals.  Love restores.  Love makes new.  Love is our mission, love is our goal, love is the destiny we are called to.   This is episode 94 of the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, released on June 6, 2022 and it's titled Well-Being from a Catholic Perspective:  The Primacy of Love   Love as the Center  We were made in love and for love and to love. Prayer to God in the Litanies of the Heart: "Lord Jesus, You created me in love, for love. Bring me to a place of vulnerability within the safety of your loving arms."  Discussed the Litanies of the Heart with Dr. Gerry at length in Episode 91 of this podcast, a special episode all about the litanies of the heart.   Inviting to the adventure of loving So many people are just surviving -- their vision is so reduced, they are not even looking to be loved or to love.  Maybe that's you, to some degree.   They are not on the adventure -- the are jaded, disillusioned, tired, wounded by betrayal or abandonment, cautious now, skeptical, calculating when it comes to love.  They hear the word love, and it activates shame, grief, loss, sorrow, fear in parts of them.  Parts of them don't want the vulnerability, the risk of being hurt again.  Maybe that's you, too.  They are not on the adventure.  I want you to come on the adventure.  The greatest adventure.  The adventure of loving.  Stay with me in the podcast.  That can be a fresh start if you need one. A new start on the adventure of loving.   St. Augustine:  To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek him the greatest adventure; to find him, the great human achievement. St. Therese Lisieux  "I know of no other means to reach perfection than by love. To love: how perfectly our hearts are made for this! Sometimes I look for another word to use, but, in this land of exile, no other word so well expresses the vibrations of our soul. Hence we must keep to that one word: love.   Our Great Mission as Catholics is summed up in the two Great Commandments  Two Great Commandments Mark 12:28-31:28  And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” 29 Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' 31 The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no other commandment greater than these.”  Loving with our whole heart.  Jules Toner, 1968 book  The experience of love In the full, concrete experience of love, our whole being, spirit and flesh, in involved.  Cognitive acts, feelings and affections, freedom, bodily reactions -- all these are influencing each other and all are continually fluctuating in such a way as to change the structure and the intensity of the experience.   Love is the distinguishing characteristic of the Christian John 13:35  By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”   Baltimore Catechism First Lesson on the End of Man, question 6  Q. Why did God make you? A. God made me to know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in heaven.  To love God implies both that we know Him and that we serve Him   CCC 2392 Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being. (quoting St. John Paul II Familiaris Consortio, paragraph 11)  2134 The first commandment summons man to believe in God, to hope in him, and to love him above all else.   Matthew 6:21:   For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.  Quotes for St. Therese of Lisieux   It is love alone that counts.   Catholic well-being is not hedonism, feeling good all the time - It is all about being equipped to live out our mission of being loved and loving God, our neighbors (including our enemies) and ourselves.   So many secular approaches emphasize the Pursuit of happiness -- they operate off of a hedonistic anthropology.  Carrie Snow -- stand up comedian who was raised in a Jewish family:  The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase: if you pursue happiness you'll never find it. Mick Cady 2019 blog:  At age 19, Augustine of Hippo read a dialogue by the Roman philosopher Cicero in which Cicero stated that every person sets out to be happy, but the majority are thoroughly wretched. Truly, no one dreams as a child of one day growing up to be miserable, and yet many people's lives are characterized by conflict, frustration and unfulfilled longings. Augustine was convinced that what defines a person more than anything is what they love. He said that when we ask if someone is a “good” person, what we are asking is not what they believe or what they hope for, but rather what they love.  We need an anthropology, a revealed religion or we will never get it.   Psychology alone cannot answer the deep questions about what we should love and what love is ordered and disordered --- as many psychologies as there are anthropologies -- psychology cannot answer the questions that are properly in the realm of theology, philosophy, epistemology and metaphysics.   G.K. Chesterton:  “We do not really want a religion that is right where we are right. What we want is a religion that is right where we are wrong. We do not want, as the newspapers say, a church that will move with the world. We want a church that will move the world.”   Charles Dickens, A Critical Study Definitions of Love English is a very difficult language when it comes to describing inner experience -- Jose's anecdote  Different Types of Love --  Eros (romantic, passionate love) The first kind of love is Eros, named after the Greek God of fertility. Eros is passionate, sensual, romantic love with an intense romantic and sexual feelings. Philia (affectionate love) The love between friends -- friendship.  Some call this platonic love, love “without physical attraction.” Storge (familiar love)  Storge is a natural form of affection experienced between family members. This protective, kinship-based love is common between parents and their children, and children for their parents. Storge can also describe a sense of patriotism toward a country or allegiance to the same team.   Mania (obsessive love) When love turns to obsession, it becomes mania. Stalking behaviors, co-dependency, extreme jealousy, and violence are all symptoms of Mania.   Ludus (playful love)  The Ancient Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love. It describes the situation of having a crush and acting on it, or the affection between young lovers. Pragma (enduring, committed love)  Pragma is a love built on commitment, understanding and long-term best interests. It is a love that has aged, matured and about making compromises to help the relationship work over time, also showing patience and tolerance.   Philautia (self love)  The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. As Aristotle said “All friendly feelings for others are an extension of a man's feelings for himself.” Agape (selfless, universal love)  selfless universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. This love is unconditional, bigger than ourselves, a boundless compassion and an infinite empathy that you extended to everyone, whether they are family members or distant strangers.  Bernard Brady, p. 267  2003 Book Christian Love: How Christians through the Ages have Understood Love.  Agape does not neglect, deny or destroy eros or indeed philia, it informs them.   Agape is what we are focusing on.   Jules Toner looking for what he call "radical love" -- phenomenologist.   from the latin radix or root, the love the is the foundation for all other loves.   Toner describes how radical love is a response to the beloved's total reality.   Interdisciplinary approach  Not just theology and philosophy Philosophers and Theologians generally don't understand the impact of trauma on being loved and loving.  They don't get it.  Catholic Christian Meta-Model of the Person -- almost nothing on trauma and its impact. Nothing in the index.    Phenomenology -- an approach that concentrates on the study of consciousness and the objects of direct experience. This is really important because it's what people relate to.   Spiritual Writers and Saints  Best of psychology   Bernard Brady's description of Love  Christian Love: How Christians through the Ages have Understood Love.-- drawing heavily from the work of phenomenologists  Jules Toner and Margaret Farley Love is affective, affirming, responsive, unitive and steadfast.  (repeat)  Five characteristics  Love is affective -- emotional components of love can often be neglected in philosophical or theological discussions of love.   Love is an emotion Love is a movement from your heart, your soul -- a movement from the innermost depths of your being.  From your core self.   Love is prior to reason and transcends reason.   You might say it's "bigger" than reason.  Love is best captured, not in the dry academic language of the philosopher, but in the verses of the poet Blaise Pascal -- The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.   Love rejoices in the beloved -- Protestant Theologian R.H. Neibuhr writes in his 1977 book the Purpose of the Church and Its Ministry:  By love, we mean at least these attitudes and actions: rejoicing in the presence of the beloved, gratitude, reverence, and loyalty toward him.  p.35 Love is the directive and dominant center of emotions.  p. 267  Many emotions are associated with love Delight, Bliss, Happiness  A sense of fulfillment  Warmth   Grief John 11:32-36  32 Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; 34 and he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”  Sadness  Anxiety Dolly Parton:  Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.   Distress-- as when our Lady, Mother Mary and St. Joseph were searching for the missing 12-year-old Jesus in Jerusalem Luke 2:48.  And when his parents saw him, they were astonished. And his mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.   If there is no emotion, there is no agape, no love.  The heart must be moved for love to be anything like complete. We cannot love like a Vulcan, without emotion.  Limitations of benevolence alone -- when I was but a wee therapist… Love is an act of the will  I didn't have to like my clients  But warmth and affection toward them, a warm and inviting emotional response was so much better.   Love is affirming Love affirms the other  Love says yes to the other person at the same time as love says yes to oneself.   "Agape is the simple yet profound recognition of the worthiness of and goodness in persons."  p. 268   Affirmation happens at two levels One level is the basic level of human dignity shared by all persons.   Affirmation on this first level has an equal regard for everyone -- all persons are ontologically good, all bear the image and likeness of God. St. Thomas "Love the sinner and hate the sin."  Not about the personal merits or individual characteristics of the person. Philosopher Gene Outka describes this as equal regard for each and every person.   Second level of affirmation is the uniqueness of the person.   In loving the other person, we acknowledge and affirm the uniqueness of the beloved.   Her gifts Her beauty Her unique qualities and traits When you love your neighbor you truly see the other as a person.   Jules Toner, SJ -- "I love you because you are you." A deep respect for the other person, a reverence for the individuality of the person. Augustine in his confesssions:  O thou Omnipotent Good, thou carest for every one of us as if thou didst care for him only, and so for all as if they were but one!    We need to affirm at both levels.  The basic dignity of the person and the uniqueness of the person. Brady:  We do not want to be loved merely because we are a person (no one wants to be generically loved) nor do we want to be loved because of particular characteristic or physical trait (what if my full head of dark hair is no longer full or dark).  We want to be loved in our totality.  p. 268.  That's why my clients didn't respond to my cool efforts at benevolence.  I was not finding and not taking in their good qualities.  Sometimes I was not looking for their uniqueness.  I was not seeing them as persons.  My attempts at benevolence actually avoided who they were, because I was threatened.  I wasn't sure I could handle the intensity of their pain, their shame, their grief, their rage.   God loves us as individuals.  God loves us in our unique particularity.  "God calls us each by name."  Isaiah 43:1 But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  Jesus -- who does he connect with?  Paupers and nobles, lepers and rich men, Samaritan women and Roman centurions, fishermen and lawyers, tax collectors and Pharisees, the sick and the strong, the dying and the robust, the political zealots and the housewives, the prostitutes and the Sanhedrin.   Jules Toner "You are why I love you."    "Loving someone in depth…means loving from the lover's most personal self, with sincerity, intensity, endurance….to affectively affirm this unique person in a response informed by a full, detailed knowledge which catch the delicate shadings of his profoundest attitudes, moods, likes, and dislikes, ideals, fears, hopes, capabilities, etc. "   Affirmation implies acceptance of the other and knowledge of the other.    This is not an endorsement of the other's vices or bad habits, but a recognition of them and an acceptance of who the person is as an entire being.  Not picking and choosing the attractive bits.   Self-acceptance of the same things. Leo Tolstoy:  When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you'd like them to be. Conrad Baars' affirmation therapy -- quoting from baarsinstitute.com:  A person's ability to love is unlocked when that person experiences himself or herself as good, worthwhile, and lovable. According to Christian psychiatrists Conrad W. Baars and Anna A. Terruwe, this process is called “affirmation.” Affirmation is a three-step process which occurs when one person is the source of unconditional love and emotional strengthening for another person. These three steps are: the person is open and receptive to the goodness and lovableness of the other; over time, the person allows himself to be moved with affection, love, delight, etc., by the other person; and third, the person reveals these feelings to the other primarily through his countenance, tone of voice, gentle touch, etc. Love is Responsive  Love is an active response for the well-being of the other.  This is where Brady includes benevolence.  It's about participating in the promotion of the highest good for the other, potential for the other's full humanity. How can I help you to flourish?  How can I help you toward your highest good?  1 John 3:18  Little children, let us not love in word or speech but in deed and in truth.    James 2:26:  For even as the body without the spirit is dead; so also faith without works is dead.    This is where self-sacrifice comes in.  There are times, and sometimes it's often when agape, when love will call for self-sacrifice.   It does not necessarily mean allowing oneself to be exploited or used or destroyed or mistreated.   That is often different than self-giving -- and we are going to discuss this at length in future episodes in this series.     Brady:  A dominant feature of agape is a readiness and a willingness to subordinate the fulfillment of my needs so as to be able to help the other fulfill her needs. p. 279  That subordination may at time call for my life.  For martyrdom. St. Therese of Lisieux:  Little things done out of love are those that charm the Heart of Christ… On the contrary, the most brilliant deeds, when done without love, are but nothingness.   Loving God or my neighbor can never demand that I violate my integrity, my deepest values, the core of who I am. Margaret Farley -- I can sacrifice what I have, but I can never sacrifice who I am.   Responsiveness implies an attunement to the other -- a resonance, and understanding.  The capacity to respond well.  It's not just any responsiveness.  The ability to be aware of and to respond effectively to the needs of my neighbor.  So there is a capacity about this.  It's not just an act of the will.  Attunement can be described as a kind of resonance.   Toner:  Radical love is experience as being in accord with the loved one, vibrating as it were, in harmony with the beloved's act of being and so with the whole melody of the beloved's life.  It is a welcoming of the loved one into the lover's self and his life-world, as fitting there, making a harmony with the lover's being and life.   Augustine:  “What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.”  Love is Unitive  Brady:  The fruit of love is unity.  Love unites.  It is in the very nature of love to bring together.  p. 279 John 17:  20-23  “I do not pray for these only, but also for those who believe in me through their word,  that they may all be one; even as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. The glory which thou hast given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one,  I in them and thou in me, that they may become perfectly one,  Colossians 3:12-14:  Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience,  forbearing one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.  Acts 4:32  Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul  Philippians 2:2  complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.   Brady:  When you love, you step out of yourself and experience the other.   There is still a separateness.  Not a blending or a fusion or a loss of identity.  But you are no longer just within yourself.  You've entered into the space of another.   And you've allow the other to enter into your space "Come live in my heart and pay no rent." — Samuel Lover   Loving an enemy -- you are like me.  We are similar on a fundamental human level.  No dehumanization. Loving doesn't necessarily lead to a mutuality or reciprocity.  Not all love is accepted or taken in.  Witness John 6, the discourse of the bread of life when Jesus was offering the greatest gift ever, the entirety of himself, Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity to his disciples: The response:  John 6:60 and 66:  Many of his disciples, when they heard it, said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?” … After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer went about with him.    But you still reach out to the beauty and inner goodness of the other.   Agape pulls for unity, even with strangers.  Right now, devastating wars are actively going on in the Ukraine, Afghanistan, Ethiopia, South Sudan, Syria, and Yemen, among other places. Food crises are becoming more urgent as international food trade and distribution channels are breaking down.  This will move hearts that love with agape. Jesus wept over Jerusalem  Luke 19:41-44   And when he drew near and saw the city he wept over it, saying, “Would that even today you knew the things that make for peace! But now they are hid from your eyes.  For the days shall come upon you, when your enemies will cast up a bank about you and surround you, and hem you in on every side,  and dash you to the ground, you and your children within you, and they will not leave one stone upon another in you; because you did not know the time of your visitation.”   The mystics describe the unity we are called to in God -- Union with God.   Love is steadfast God's love endures.  '  Psalm 136 opens:    Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,    for his steadfast love endures for ever.O give thanks to the God of gods,    for his steadfast love endures for ever.O give thanks to the Lord of lords,    for his steadfast love endures for ever; Love can change, though.  For us humans, it can deepen, it can mature.  H.R. Neibuhr -- "Love can have a history."   It may not always be mutual or reciprocal Story of the prodigal son.  Story of St. Monica and St. Augustine.   Story of St. Augustine and God Quote from Confessions:  “Late have I loved you, beauty so old and so new: late have I loved you. And see, you were within and I was in the external world and sought you there, and in my unlovely state I plunged into those lovely created things which you made. You were with me, and I was not with you. The lovely things kept me far from you, though if they did not have their existence in you, they had no existence at all. You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours.”  Martin Luther King Essay -- Loving your Enemies To our most bitter opponents we say: ‘We shall match your capacity to inflict suffering by our capacity to endure suffering. We shall meet your physical force with soul force. Do to us what you will, and we shall continue to love you. We cannot in all good conscience obey your unjust laws, because noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. Throw us in jail, and we shall still love you. Bomb our homes and threaten our children, and we shall still love you. Send your hooded perpetrators of violence into our community at the midnight hour and beat us and leave us half dead, and we shall still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. One day we shall win freedom, but not only for ourselves. We shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory.' ” Psalm 36: 5-10 5 Thy steadfast love, O Lord, extends to the heavens,    thy faithfulness to the clouds.6 Thy righteousness is like the mountains of God,    thy judgments are like the great deep;    man and beast thou savest, O Lord. 7 How precious is thy steadfast love, O God!    The children of men take refuge in the shadow of thy wings.8 They feast on the abundance of thy house,    and thou givest them drink from the river of thy delights.9 For with thee is the fountain of life;    in thy light do we see light. 10 O continue thy steadfast love to those who know thee,    and thy salvation to the upright of heart!  Desire for this in the modern era:  1983 songs Cyndi Lauper -- If you fall, I will catch you, I will be waiting… Time after Time Jules Toner -- Love is the not just "giving of self" but giving self.    Giving of myself -- sharing something of what I am -- I may share my wit, my knowledge, by strength, my sense of joy, my playfulness.   These are all qualities of my being.   They are things I possess. Giving myself -- that radical love, according to Toner, is the gift of my self.  It is me.  I am the gift.  Not just my qualities or my possessions.  So I am loving from the core of my being -- the loving is the most personal act.   Integration Resilience Distortions Loving the wrong things.   Augustine:  “In order to discover the character of people we have only to observe what they love.”   Confessions  "We are shaped and fashioned by those we love." — Goethe  "Tell me who you love and I'll tell you who you are." — Creole Proverb   The death of love Brady 273.  Love does not die because of hate but because of apathy.  The death of love is often preceded by the denial of the basic dignity of the other.  The death of love happens when we reject instead of affirm the other's special personal and unique goodness.  The death of love is encouraged when we ignore the other's needs and wants while prioritizing our own wants.  The deal of love occurs when we pursue discord, division, disassociation, and distance in the place of unity.   It is not just the pursuit of these things.   If whatever we are pursuing, even if it is a good but not the highest good results in ignoring or  rejection of others' needs -- or if it results in discord, division, disassociation, and distance.  I might want to become physically fit and start training two hours per day for a marathon.  If I did that, I would wind up neglecting my family's needs.   Malice is not necessary for love to die.  Apathy doesn't have a lot of malice in it.  Hatred has a lot more malice than apathy.  If you are hating someone, you are still at least in relationship with the hated one.  You are thinking about the hated one.  The hated one still exists for you.  But in apathy, the other does not register in your consciousness.  He or she doesn't matter.  Where we are going  Tolerating being loved -- many people assume that we just want to be loved Brady:  page vii, second sentence.  Loving seems entirely natural and being loved seems wonderfully good.  I take issue. Being loved can be very, very painful.  It can feel very unnatural to very many people, especially those with complex trauma.   This kind of sentence would never be written by a depth psychologist, or anyone really experienced with the terror, the shame, the grief, and the walls that those who have experienced abandonment and betrayal traumas suffer with.  Assumption -- we naturally love ourselves.  I take issue with that.  Ordered Self Love Love and Identity 1 John 3:1  See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him.  Learning to love by loving St. Bernard of Clairvaux:  We much remember that love reveals itself, not by words or phrases, but by actions and experience.  It is Love with speaks here, and if anyone wished to understand it, let him first love.   What gets in the way of loving  Sin -- the great unlove Missing the mark   Trauma Protection vs. Connection -- Polyvagal theory, Episode 89:  Rigidity and Chaos IPNB, Episode 92   Original Sin => original trauma  Shame  Differences between unlove and desolation   The RCC -- Come with me on an adventure.  Come with me on an adventure of being loved and of loving.  That is what the Resilient Catholic Community is all about.  Check out the Resilient Catholics Community at soulsandhearts.com/RCC  The RCC is all about working through your human formation issues -- the ones that inhibit you from receiving the love you need and from loving God completely, with every fiber of your being, with your body,  with all your parts, with all your emotions, thoughts, all your inner experience with all of you, with no part of you left behind, no part of you left out.   It's all about learning to be gentle but firm with yourself -- it's all about integration.  It's all about resilience.   All about restoration -- recovering from being dominated by shame, fear, anger, sadness, pessimism, whatever your struggle is in the depths of your human formation And we do this work experientially -- so many experiential exercises -- this is not just intellectual knowledge, we're working with all of you. Informed by Internal Family Systems and the best of the rest of psychological and human formation resources  All grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person  All focused on helping you to better accept love and to love more fully, to carry out the two great commandments of our Lord.   Are you up for the challenge?  Would you like to join me and the rest of the pioneers in this adventure?  Do you want to be a part of the community?   Are you ready to prevail over whatever hinders your human formation -- would you like to no longer be dominated by fear, anger, shame, sadness, pessimism?  And would you like to be with other like-minded Catholics on the journey -- If so join me.  Join all of us in the Resilient Catholics Community.  The RCC We are taking applications throughout June of 2022 for our third cohort, those in that cohort will start their adventure in June and July by taking our Initial Measures Kits and be getting feedback on their parts in a personal Zoom session with me.  It's a great chance for us to get to know each other, really know each other at the level of parts.  You'll get a 5 or 6 page report on your internal system and then be eligible for our weekly company meetings and programming to begin in late August or early September.   Sign up  for the June waiting list -- Souls and Hearts.com/rcc -- or just do an internet search for the Resilient Catholics Community.  Human Formation Retreat -- August 12-14, 2022 details will be put on the website.  Meet me in person.  Only for RCC members Patroness and Patron  

Summary:  In this episode I discuss the crucial role of the right kinds of corrective and healing experiences in our lives.  I then offer you three inner experiential exercises to help you understand three questions: 1) In what ways do you not love yourself (with a special focus on inner critics); 2) your inner tension between connection and protection; and 3) your internal battles with rigidity and chaos. Lead in:   Experience.   I have been wanting for a long time to offer you some experiential exercises  In episodes 89, 90, and 92, I gave you a lot of conceptual information about polyvagal theory, about interpersonal neurobiology, some more about Internal family systems, but something has been missing And what's been missing, in my opinion, is the experiential part of this for us.   Julius Caesar "Experience is the teacher of all things"  De Bello Civilli John Stuart Mill:  There are many truths of which the full meaning cannot be realized until personal experience has brought it home.  -- On liberty Experience.  There is no substitute for experiential learning Otherwise it can stay all in the conceptual realm, all in your head, all in your mind.  Michael Smith:  The major problem is that we tend to live our life in our head, in our thoughts and stories, cut off from our actual experience. What I want for you is much more than that.  I want you to be able to change for the better in the deepest ways.  And you can't think or study your way there Not the same experiences over and over -- some people have that kind of life.   Rather, a capacity for experience -- the ability to take in, process, and integrate new experiences as part of your human formation.   George Bernard Shaw:  Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience. What holds us back? Many would say fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of putting ourselves out there.  Fear keeps us from new experiences and for the corrective effects of new experiences.  And I think that's true.  But I don't think fear is the primary obstacle.  There's some thing deeper than fear that holds us back.   What is it that really holds us back from new experiences?  What goes deeper than our fear?  [Drum roll] Our Shame.  It is our shame that holds us back from new experiences and the healing that new experiences can bring to us. The fear is a secondary reaction.  We wouldn't have the fear if we didn't have the shame, the gnawing sense of inadequacy or not being good enough.  Too much shame makes us fragile, way to concerned about protecting ourselves And in the natural realm, it's shame that most often keeps us from taking in the love from God, from others, and from ourselves -- it's shame that generates our fear, the desire to protect our wounds, that shuts us off from ourselves and other people Shame generates fear -- fear fuels our self-protection and shuts down the openness to experience.  The shame to fear to self-protection progression builds walls around our hearts.  We see vulnerability as dangerous.  Brené Brown, Daring Greatly  Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.   Shame is so important, I spent 13 episodes of this podcast just on that one topic.  Those 13 episodes, episodes 37 to 49 on it Those episodes on shame are foundational -- they are the most fundamental episodes of this podcast.  So many of our problem go back to shame, and nearly all psychological dysfunction in the natural realm has its root and origin in shame.   If you haven't listened to those episodes, or if it's been a long time, go back and listen to them.   So now, in this episode, I am bringing to you the kinds of experiential exercises, the kind of experiential learning that can help you understand yourself so much better and get you started toward a more solid natural foundation for your spiritual life, much better human formation. And what I want for you most of all is for you to experience love.  To be able to receive love -- to receive love from others, from yourself, from God.  And to love.  To join those men and women who are on an adventure of love 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  How does it do that?  How does perfect love cast out fear -- does it just numb fear while leaving your shame intact?  No, I really don't think that's how it works for me and you.  Love is the antidote for shame.  Love cures shame.  Three kinds of love.   Love from God Love from others, including the saints, especially our Mother Mary Love from ourselves to ourselves.   I invite you to join me on this great adventure of loving, especially in this episode, right now, this episode number 93 of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, let us journey together I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we can have the relational encounters we need to learn to be loved and to love.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts.  Souls and Hearts brings you the best of psychology and human formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com We are continuing our series on how the best of secular psychological approaches define mental health, psychological well-being.  We started with Episode 89 on Polyvagal Theory and covered Positive Psychology, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Internal Family Systems in Episode 90.   Today's episode, number 93 is entitled "Three Experiential Exercisesx"  and it's released on May 2, 2022 and today, I am offering you Three longer experiential exercises today, about 20 minutes each Informed by IFS -- can check out episode 71 of this podcast to find out more about IFS -- A new and better way of understanding yourself and others.  Great preparation for these exercises.  Grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person Three experiential exercises  In what ways do you not love yourself? -- where are the gaps in your human formation?  What parts of you are going unloved by you? -- Episode 90 Your Well-being, the Secular experts speak   Your inner battle: Protection vs. Connection -- Episode 89 Your Trauma, Your Body: Protection vs. Connection Rigidity and Chaos -- episode 92 Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB Overall guidelines for these exercises  Cautions  window of tolerance Upside -- Fight or flight, sympathetic activation  Downside -- Free response -- dorsal vagal activation, shutting down, numbing out,  don't have to do this exercise, can stop at any time, reground yourself  no steamrolling parts  Also bringing in God from a Catholic perspective, which may activate some parts in some people.  Good to do this exercise when you have the time and space and privacy -- not while driving or engaging in other activities that would require you to divide your attention.   Options Take what is useful to you   Feel free to go your own direction if that seems what's best There will be some quiet moments in the exercises to give you time to do your inner work.  If it's helpful, feel free to pause the audio and really settle in and do extended work inside if that seems best Can have pens, pencils and paper to write down things that are helpful -- like a journal -- or to map out things, draw if that's helpful.  Can do these exercises multiple times, with different parts A lot of gentleness with and for yourself.  Moment here for your to really care for yourself, to really see what your parts need from you.   Luke 10:27 Love your neighbor as yourself -- we are supposed to love ourselves in an ordered way And that means loving the parts of ourself that are in need.  With care and compassion If you get distracted, that's ok, that's common.  You can just refocus, or if that's not possible, then focus in on that distraction -- get curious about why a part of you needs to distract you.   Experiential Exercise 1 --In what ways do you reject yourself, or condemn yourself as a person?  In what ways do you not love yourself?   A part of you finds it hard to love or even accept some other part of you.  That's true for almost everybody, in our fallen world.  Leads to inner conflict You can't delegate that responsibility of loving yourself to anyone else.  No one else, not even God, can take your place in loving yourself.   Working on the natural realm here.  We're not focusing on unloved parts yet.  We are asking that parts that bear the burden of shame -- our shame bearers, can they be patient, to not flood or overwhelm.   As you ask that question, In what ways do you reject yourself, or condemn yourself as a person?   What part of you is doing that -- an inner critic? What is happening in your body? In response to that question. How am I rejecting or condemning myself. Find the bodily response Focus in on that bodily response.  We call that a trailhead. Connected with your inner critic.   Might not be a bodily response.  Could be other trailheads Images, thoughts, desires, impulses, memories, sounds, beliefs or assumptions -- any internal  experience in response to the question -- what do I need.   Focus in on that one sensation or inner experience that reflects some kind of self-condemnation or negative judgement of yourself as a person..     Fleshing out  Listen in to what that experience, that body sensation or that impulse or desire or image or memory or belief. Really notice that inner critic.  How do you experience it.     Let's see if we can work with one part at a time.  You can do this reflection and guided exercise over again with multiple parts if you'd like.  But see if your parts inside can agree to let you work with one part.   We are going to ask that one part not to flood you with its intensity.  That's a safety thing.  We are asking that part not to overwhelm you with its distress.  We want to be separate but near, so that you as the self can have a relationship with that part.  If your target part fuses with you or blends with you, you can't have a relationship.  See if that part will agree not to overwhelm.  Just ask it.  See what the response is.  If it agrees, then Really sense that part.  See that part or sense that part, however that part is becoming more apparent to you.  How old is that part?  Some parts of us are very, very young.  Even preverbal.   Really listen to what that target parts wants to share with you, what it wants you to know.   How are you feeling toward that part, toward that experience  C's Compassion  Connection  Curiosity -- genuine interest  Calm   If feeling negative, can we get concerned protector parts to soften, to relax back so that you, as the self, can connect with your distressed target part?  If not, focus on the concerned protector part.  Really get interested about why that part is not ready to let you connect with your target part.  There's a reason.  Parts always have good intentions for us.   Befriending Let that part tell you all about what it struggles with.   Emotions Anxiety  Sorrow -- deep emotional pain  Anger  Numbness   Thinking -- assumptions, beliefs Really be open to these beliefs, asking protectors not to censor them if possible.  Concentration issues.   Behaviors -- why does the part do what it does Positive intentions Spiritual and existential issues What does this part need from you? What does this part need from God? Fears What if it doesn't do this job.   Does it know that you exist -- that it doesn't have to pursue an agenda.  Where are you with: Compassion  Connectedness  Curiosity  Calm   Can the part feel love from you?   Winding up Can write down what you learned, what was helpful, what came to you -- giving your parts a voice on paper.   Can do this exercise again with a different part  Gratitude for all your parts -- all have good intentions are trying to help  This doesn't have to be the end of connecting with your target part -- doesn't have to be a one-off experience, can check in with that part again.  Experiential Exercise 2 -- Protection vs. Connection -- based off of polyvagal theory.  Episode 89 ANS heavily involved in the ongoing weighing of two fundamental human needs -- two major objectives.   To survive -- Protection To bond relationally with others -- Connection This is the central theme of this discussion of our bodies and our traumas -- Protection and Connection.  How can we have both?   We have on the one hand a drive to survive -- cause if we don't, you know, we're dead.  On the other hand, we have this yearning to connect, to be in relationship with others  We need both -- to be protected and to be connected, but trauma puts those two indispensable needs -- protection and connection into tension.  Can't have both.   If we are experiencing trauma, our ANS automatically moves us away from seeking connection with others to a position of protection.  In the state of protection -- we are seeking only survival.  Our nervous system is closed to connection with others.  It is closed to change.  There's only one goal.  Survive.  If we don't survive, nothing else is possible.  When we are in a state of protection, it's all about one that one thing: survival.  Nothing else matters.   However, when we are in a state of connection, we have so many more possibilities Health  Growth  Restoration  Change   Coming at this a different way  Going inside   Major question -- which parts of me are protecting -- my protectors in IFS Managers -- protecting proactively  Firefighters -- protecting reactively  Protecting exiles and protecting against exile   Experiential Exercise 3 -- Rigidity vs. Chaos -- Episode 92  When a system is not optimally self-organizing, it veers toward  Rigidity -- everything seems predictable  Dorsal vagal shutdown, the freezing and numbing out state like in dissociation we discussed this in Episode 89 on polyvagal theory  This leads to rigidity   Examples  Extreme example would be hysterical paralysis Another example --  a deep, major depression Chaos -- everything seems completely unpredictable  PTSD symptoms Flashbacks  Nightmares   Panic attacks   Or both -- e.g. bipolar disorder Depressive episode -- rigidity.   Manic episode -- chaos Daniel Siegel:  Every symptom of every disorder of the DSM-5 can be framed in terms of chaos or rigidity "Human suffering can be summed up in chaos and rigidity."   Health is found in the internal integration, where there is neither chaos nor rigidity.   When do I feel rigid  When do I feel chaotic  Rigidity is often a protector's response against chaos.   If you really understand the important of experience -- of experiencing change, not just thinking about it, not just considering it, but really experiencing it throughout your being, I have an invitation for you.   If you really responded to these experiential exercises, I have an invitation for you I want to invite you to the Resilient Catholics Community -- the RCC There is nothing else really like it out there All about being loved and loving with your whole hear -- all of your being, every fiber of who you are, all your parts.   It's all about resolving the human formation issues that have thwarted your capacity to be loved and to love.  To be vulnerable, to be connected rather than protecting yourself so much.  All about restoration -- recovering from being dominated by shame, fear, anger, sadness, pessimism, whatever your struggle is in the depths of your human formation   And we do this work experientially -- so many experiential exercises, more than 100 of them for you, you can't get these reflections and guidance anywhere else. Informed by Internal Family Systems and the best of the rest of psychological resources  All grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person  All focused on helping you to better accept love and to love more fully, to carry out the two great commandments of our Lord.   The RCC is a serious commitment -- the whole first year is just that -- a year-long experience of 44 weekly company meetings with those who will be accompanying you on a pilgrimage to much better human formation. On that pilgrimage you have a companion to journey with and for daily connection.   Are you up for the challenge?  Would you like to join me and the rest of the pioneers in this adventure?  Do you want to be a part of the community?   Are you ready to prevail over whatever hinders your human formation -- would you like to no longer be dominated by fear, anger, shame, sadness, pessimism?  And would you like to be with other like-minded Catholics on the journey -- If so join me.  Join all of us in the Resilient Catholics Community.  The RCC We are taking applications throughout June of 2022 for our third cohort, those in that cohort will start their adventure in June and July by taking our Initial Measures Kits and be getting feedback on their parts in a personal Zoom session with me.  It's a great chance for us to get to know each other, really know each other at the level of parts.  You'll get a 5 or 6 page report on your internal system and then be eligible for our weekly company meetings and programming to begin in late August or early September.   Sign up  for the June waiting list -- Souls and Hearts.com/rcc -- or just do an internet search for the Resilient Catholics Community.   Not ready for that yet?  Sign up for my email reflections every week at soulsandhearts.com -- addressing the topic of lying and deception in this current series.  Every Wednesday.   Patronness and Patron  

Summary:  In this episode, I invite you to explore and understand with me neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel's Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) and what IPNB can show us about psychological health.  We review the triangle of well-being, the nature of secure attachments, and the basis for mental health from an IPNB perspective.  We examine the characteristics of a healthy mind and how it functions, and the two signs that reliable indicate all psychological symptoms and mental dysfunction.  We discuss the nine domains of integration, mindsight, and the healthy mind platter, and I share my exchange with Dr. Siegel about whether and how IPNB can be integrated with Catholicism.   Lead in:  Today I want to share with you an approach to understanding ourselves and guiding ourselves toward health that I am really excited about, that I think has great potential to help us in our human formation as Catholics. We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.   We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology and human formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com  We are continuing our series on how the best of secular psychological approaches define mental health, psychological well-being.  We started with Episode 89 on Polyvagal Theory and covered Positive Psychology, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Internal Family Systems in Episode 90.   Today's episode, number 92 is entitled "Understanding and Healing your Mind through IPNB"  and it's released on April 4, 2022.  We are going to unpack what IPNB is, what is says about our human condition and I will share with you an exchange I recently had with neuropsychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel, who brought this whole integrative framework into being, about whether IPNB can be reconciled with Catholicism.   Stay with me for a really interesting deep dive into this fascinating way of understanding ourselves and others.   Interpersonal Neurobiology or IPNB Let's start by understanding what IPNB is.  Interpersonal neurobiology.   Breaking down the name interpersonal neurobiology Inter = between us, among us -- implies relationship.  Relational model.  Not just between you and me, but also between you and you -- inner relationships within you, inner relationships within me.   Personal -- very relational.   Inter-personal and intrapersonal IPNB is all about the way my deep inner experiences connect with your inner experiences  Neurobiology -- not just the field of neurobiology, but all the branches of scientifically studying how human development takes place and how we can promote well-being in our lives.  Neurobiology brings in all the embodied, physical dimension of our existence.  Our bodies, our brains, our whole nervous system and all of our embodied biology being, that what the neurobiology part refers to  Interpersonal neuro-biology or IPNB -- works to be a wholistic approach to the human person.   IPNB was developed in the 1990s by neuropsychiatrist Daniel J. Siegel who brought together more than 40 professionals, more than 40 experts from a wide range of scientific disciplines to discuss and demonstrate how the mind, brain, and relationships integrate to influence and change each other.   Questions that IPNB asks and addresses these questions, five questions standing out to me: What is the human mind?  How does the mind develop?  What does the human mind look like when it's doing really, really well, when it's functioning optimally?  How can we encourage, nurture and cultivate a healthy, strong mind?  How can we take what we've learned about the mind and find practical applications that make a real difference in our daily lives?  Guidance for how to live our lives Pointers for what may need to change in our thinking and behavior to help us live more fully.   Very practical -- not just academic ivory-tower, pie-in-the-sky speculation -- Daniel Siegel really wants IPNB to bring healing, growth and well-being to people.  I like that.  I'm into that.  What IPNB is Not Not a therapy.  Not a way of doing therapy.  Rather, a way of understanding that can inform different schools of therapy.  IPNB is not a discipline.  It's not a specific branch of knowledge.  Rather, IPNB is a framework that draws on all the different disciplines with a rigorous and structured approach to studying things – not just science – They all have a place in the framework. It's a consilient framework:  Consilience:  E. O. Wilson  Assessing the universal findings discovered and recognized as real or true across fields and disciplines The fields contributing to IPNB Anthropology  Art  Biology (developmental, evolution, genetics, zoology)  Chemistry  Cognitive Science  Computer Science  Contemplative Traditions  Developmental Psychopathology  Liberal Arts  Linguistics   Neuroscience Affective  Cognitive  Developmental  social   Mathematics  Medicine  Mental Health  Music  Physics  Poetry  Psychiatry   Psychology Cognitive  developmental  Volutionary  Experimental  of religion  Social  attachment theory  memory   Sociology  Systems Theory (chaos and complexity theory)   All of these disciplines, all of these fields of inquiriy contribute to IPNB findings   IPNB also seeks a common language for these disciplines to be able to share and discuss about these big topics: What is the human mind?  How does the mind develop?  How can we make a healthy, strong mind?  How can we take what we've learned about the mind and find practical applications that make a real difference in our daily lives.   Thus IPNB is a going for the big picture.   IPNB emphasizes a need for humility and openness in the work.   Definition:  Interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB): a consilient field that embraces all branches of science and now other disciplined ways of understanding reality, such as contemplative traditions and a liberal arts, as it seeks the common universal findings across independent ways of knowing in order to expand our understanding of the mind and well-being. p.506 The Human Mind If we want a strong ordered mind, it helps to know what the mind actually is.  If we want mental well-being, it's really valuable to slow down and ask the question -- what is the human mind.   A central question for IPNB is "what is the human mind." The mind is rarely defined -- you know how important definitions are to me.  And the mind is often discussed but rarely defined.   Insert quotes about the importance of definitions Insert quotes about the mind.   When the mind is defined, most often defined as the output of the brain.  Problem of Hippocrates:  Our mind comes only from our brain echoed by the famous psychologist William James in his highly influential 1890 book "Principles of Psychology"   The mind is essentially just the product of the brain.  The activity of the brain generates the activity of the mind.  So the mind's activity is solely the product of the brain's activity.  American neuropsychologist, neurobiologist and Nobel laureate Roger Sperry  -- Mental process cannot be reduced to brain mechanisms.  Even if they are dependent on them, it doesn't make them the same.   Although the mind may depend on the activity of brain cells, the firing of neurons in the brain, the mind is not the same the same thing as the firing of neurons.  The mind is not the brain, and it's not just the products of nervous system activity.  According to Daniel Siegel and IPNB, the mind is a term that at a minimum includes what we're familiar with when we think of mind.   mental activity that includes Consciousness  emotions  Mood  Thinking  information processing  problem-solving  decision making  Memory  Narrative  meaning-making  Intention  Belief  Hope  Attitudes  Assumptions  Desire  Longing  Dreams  Our subjective feeling of being alive.   all of these are mental activities which are beautiful, powerful descriptions of what people mean when they say mind.  The mind constructs its own experience of reality. Critical point:  the mind emanates from the interactions within the brain -- so there's the neurobiology -- the brain, the nervous system, the body -- but the mind is not just the product of neurobiology -- there's also the interpersonal aspect -- the mind also radiates from our internal relationships within ourselves and our relationships with other people.  There's the interpersonal part of interpersonal neurobiology. The mind encompasses both the embodied brain and our relationships.    Definition of Mind  from p. 507 The Developing Mind, 3rd Edition. :   The mind is a process that includes at least four fundamental aspects: (1) personal, subjective experience; (2) awareness; (3) information processing; and (4) a regulatory function that is an emergent, self-organizing, embodied, and relational process of the extended nervous system and relationships.  This facet of a core aspect of mind offers a working definition of "mind" as an embodied and relational process that regulates the flow of energy and information.  In this perspective, the brains activities an important part of mind, but mind is broader than the brain and bigger than the individual body. The mind is fully embodied and fully relational.   Let's break that down.  In IPNB, the mind is a process.  The mind is not so much a thing, as it is a process, the activity within us that regulates the flow of both energy and information through its neurocircuitry, which is then shared and regulated between people through engagement, connection, and communication. Facets of the Mind Personal, subjective Experience -- the felt texture of life  Awareness or consciousness   Information Processing -- and that information processing can be conscious or not The emergent, self-organizing, embodied and relational process that regulates the flow of energy and information – flow happens within (embodied) and between (relational).   If you don't understand all that in the first go-round, that's OK.  You don't need to understand it all, there's come complexity here.   The critical thing to remember about your mind for our purposes is that your mind can change your brain and be changed by your brain -- your mind can change your relationships and your mind can be changed by your relationships -- and your brain can also be changed by your relationships.     Our attachment relationships experiences shape the structures in the brain that correlate with key features of our inner and inter mind as we carry these neuroplastic changes forward in life – open to new growth and learning – as they continue to shape our internal world and our interpersonal lives across the lifespan. Secure, healthy relationships can heal your mind and your brain.  You can see this in the neuro-electrical firing xand neurochemical activity in the brain with neurotransmitters, and also in the anatomy of the brain. Raissa Miller in her 2016 Article titled Interpersonal Neurobiology: Applications for the Counseling Profession Finally, the mind can influence the brain and relationships. Consistent with characteristics of a complex system, the mind both emerges from and in turn influences the functioning of the brain and relationships. How one focuses attention affects neural structure and function. Furthermore, through processes not yet fully understood — perhaps through resonance circuitry or mirror neurons — the mental processes of one person can influence the mental processes of another person. The Triangle of Well-Being  -- Imagine a triangle with three vertices or corners.  One vertex is The Brain, a second vertex is the Mind, and the third vertex is Relationship.  So we have a triangle, and at the top, where the point is, we have relationship, and at another corner, we have brain and at the other corner we have mind.    The Mind -- we've been covering that: The Brain -- the embodied mechanism of energy and information flow  Definition:  Brain: here are viewed as the extended nervous system distributed throughout the entire body and intimately interwoven with the physiology of the body as a whole. It is the embodied neural mechanism that shapes the flow of energy and information. p. 502 Not just the grey matter inside our skull but our whole nervous system.    Justin Sonnenburg, Erica Sonnenburg on May 1, 2015 Scientific American Gut Feelings–the "Second Brain" in Our Gastrointestinal Systems .  The enteric nervous system is often referred to as our body's second brain. There are hundreds of million of neurons connecting the brain to the enteric nervous system, the part of the nervous system that is tasked with controlling the gastrointestinal system. This vast web of connections monitors the entire digestive tract from the esophagus to the anus. The enteric nervous system is so extensive that it can operate as an independent entity without input from our central nervous system, although they are in regular communication.   Energy and information flow is what the embodied brain is all about  Relationships -- the sharing of energy and information flow between people Energy and information flow between people  Energy and information are shared in relationships.   Integration – the differentiation and linkage of parts of a system – within the relationship is essential to understanding resonance, which is different from mirroring or giving up your individual needs and sense of differentiation  PART model of verbal and nonverbal relationships -- Presence, Attunement, Resonance, and Trust.   Presence:  Openness; awareness of present moment experience:   Presence is the portal to integration; an open, receptive awareness of the unfolding of moment-to-moment experience the opposite of presence is unintentional mind-wandering Attunement:  Focus of attention on the internal world of self or other Internal Attunement:  Focusing of attention on my internal world  Interpersonal Attunement:  Focusing of attention on the internal world of another  if a parent is attuned to the child's mind, much better outcome than if just reacting to the child's behavior.   Mirror neurons may be activated in attunement   Resonance:  Being shaped by another  Next step -- interpersonal attunement allows for two individuals to resonate with one another, A deeper sense of connection, of being with each other.   To feel felt by one another.   As the two are resonating, feeling felt by one another, joined in relationship they are still separate.  They are not fused, there is no loss of individual identity.  You are still you when you are in relationship with me, and I am still me.  This is really important, that the individual, differentiated nature of each person is not lost.  Two tuning forks, at the same frequency.   Trust:  A deep sense of openness and reliability States of safety vs. states of  threat  Trust creates a sense of receptivity  Social engagement system is turned on Integration allows us to differentiate streams of energy, freeing us from default-mode processing dominating our experience in the moment New ways of thinking, imagining, considering  Allows our faculty of imagination to develop.   Connection refers to a process of mutual resonance occurring between two individuals, leading to attunement and a sense of we  Ruptures are inevitable in relationships, and they can be thought of as opportunities for repair and the deepening of connection   Four critical concepts in IPNB:  Empathy, compassion, kindness and forgiveness  Empathy has many facets, including feeling the feelings of another, perspective-taking, and cognitive understanding Empathy: the capacity to make a map of another's mental state that includes at least the five functions of  emotional resonance perspective taking empathic understanding empathic joy, and  empathic concern.  For most individuals, empathy is a requirement for compassion. Integration enables empathic connection to be harnessed without losing differentiation and fusing with another's experience.  p.504   Compassion: The way in which we perceive the suffering of another, imagine how to help, and then take action to alleviate the suffering Compassion: the capacity to sense suffering, to imagine what might be done to reduce that suffering, and to take effective action for that purpose. Compassion can be directed towards one's inner experience – sometimes called "self-compassion" – as well as toward others in what is sometimes called "other-directed" compassion. These two directions in the flow of compassion can be called "inner compassion" and "inter compassion." p. 503   Kindness: Acting with no expectation of getting something in return; honoring and supporting one another's vulnerabilities -- sounds a lot like the Christian concept of charity; others may think of this as altruism  Forgiveness can be thought of as giving up all hope for a better past; acceptance of what was.   The brain, the mind, and relationships are all critical elements of the triangle of well-being.   Secure attachments  Siegel in "The Developing Mind," 3rd Ed.  p. 225:  Attachment at its core is based on parental sensitivity and responsivity to the child's signals, which allow for collaborative parents-child communication. Contingent communication gives rise to secure attachment and is characterized by a collaborative give-and-take of signals between the members of the pair. Contingent communication relies on the alignment of internal experiences, or states of mind, between the child and caregiver. This mutually sharing, mutually influencing set of interactions – this emotional attunement or mental state residents – is the essence of healthy, secure attachment.  Neural networks are activated and shaped by these relational experiences Our relational experiences reshape not only our minds but our brains.   The four Ss of building a secure attachment:  Feeling Seen, Safe, Soothed, and Secure Seen   I feel that my needs are being accurately perceived by the other My mind is seen beneath my behavior Safe I feel protected from harm, from danger  The other person is not a source of fear   Soothed I can be reliably comforted and calmed by the other in times of stress  Ruptures are readily repaired   Secure I am able to explore my environment  I can go back to the other as a safe base    What is the basis for health or mental well-being  -- the integration of the mind.   Daniel Siegel proposes that integration of the mind is the basis for health.   I made this argument way back in episode 15 of this podcast, long before I was all that familiar with IPNB.   Supported by more than 20 years of research now.  Raisa Miller helps us break this down.  Mental Well-Being Mental well-being, from an IPNB perspective, is defined in terms of integration.  Functionally distinct components within the complex mind system differentiate (i.e., specialize) Each component has a unique role in the system.    and then link with other components of the system to form a greater whole -- but you don't blend them.    The metaphor of a fruit salad versus a fruit smoothie is often used to illustrate integration.  Each ingredient in a fruit salad maintains its unique quality (differentiating)  while also combining (linking) to make a new, more complex dish (an “integrated” fruit salad). Optimal organization depends on linking differentiated parts of the system (integration) you do not have the differences among those parts disappear (not homogenization).  Coherence instead.  Integration is defined as the linkage of differentiated elements. The mind's process of linking differentiated parts (distinct modes of information processing) into a functional whole is postulated to be the fundamental mechanism of both. Without integration, chaos, rigidity, or both ensue. Integration is both a process and a structural dimension, and can be examined, for example, in the functional and anatomic studies of the nervous system. p. 506 Considerable evidence indicates that the mind is the self-organizing, emergent embodied relational process that utilizes the differentiation and linkage of aspects of the system the mind is in. When that goes well – health arises.  When it goes poorly, chaos or rigidity or both rise up.   When a system is not optimally self-organizing, it veers toward  Rigidity -- everything seems predictable  Dorsal vagal shutdown, the freezing and numbing out state like in dissociation we discussed this in Episode 89 on polyvagal theory  This leads to rigidity   Examples  Extreme example would be hysterical paralysis Another example --  a deep, major depression Chaos -- everything seems completely unpredictable  PTSD symptoms Flashbacks  Nightmares   Panic attacks   Or both -- e.g. bipolar disorder Depressive episode -- rigidity.   Manic episode -- chaos Daniel Siegel:  Every symptom of every disorder of the DSM-5 can be framed in terms of chaos or rigidity "Human suffering can be summed up in chaos and rigidity."   Health is found in the internal integration, where there is neither chaos nor rigidity.   When you improve self-organization within a system leading to harmony and integration, including the mind, you find five qualities.  Acronym FACES Optimal Self organization involves the integration of elements of the system leading to harmony described as a FACES flow  Individuals operating at greater levels of integration are more open to possibilities and flexible in response to their natural proclivities -- this is described as a FACES flow.   FACES flow your mind is: Flexible -- your mind can think outside the box, be innovative and come up with new and original ideas and solutions to problems, your mind can be imaginative, and creative.  Flexible  Adaptive -- your mind can adjust to new situations, change course as needed, roll with the punches and handle the various challenges and demands that life throws at you.   Coherent -- your mind stays clear, lucid, orderly inside, and you have the full use of your intellect and reason.  You can think logically and sensibly  Energized -- your mind is alert, active, dynamic, and animated, with stamina and vitality  Stable -- your mind is balanced, calm, steady and you have a sense of being solidly grounded and secure.   Nine domains of integration list them.   Consciousness – differentiating the knowing from the knowns of what we are aware of. Knowns and unknowns Awareness of the body, mental/emotional, relational, and outside world. Openness to things as they are    Bilateral – the differentiated functions of the left and right hemispheres.  Left hemisphere is logical and linear, very literal, verbal Right side is more creative, metaphoric, and symbolic, nonlinear, intuitive, nonverbal Vertical – linking the body's signals and the lower neural regions of the brainstem and limbic area to the higher cortical regions. Gut, heart, and lungs all have neural networks that seek to communicate with the brain. Too many people are disconnected from the awareness from our bodies.  Memory – linking the differentiated elements of implicit memory to the autobiographical and factual experience of explicit memory. Implicit and explicit memory integration.  When traumas become implicit memory, a schema, we are stuck in the past.  To integrate memory, we make implicit memories explicit and weave them into our narrative, the story of our lives in a coherent and meaningful way   Narrative – making sense of memory and experience such that one finds meaning in events that have occurred. State – respecting the differentiated states of mind that make up the wide array of clusters of memory, thought, behavior, and action that are the nature of our multi-layered selves. we are multiple selves sharing a body. Three parts: We need to learn to honor our states (intrastate), interstate, honor that we have different needs at the same time and we need to pay attention to that, and interpersonal states, maintaing my own states while in relation with others.    In IFS language, these states are somewhat analogous to parts.   Interpersonal – honoring one another's inner experience and linking in respectful communication. -- involves nurturing.  Not fusing, being separate but near, being with.    Temporal – the capacity to represent ‘time' or change in life and reflect on this ‘passage of time' (e.g. life versus death). Making maps of time. Connected to narrative - we seek certainty, but change is the only constant. We also become aware of our eventual death.  Identity – the sense of agency and coherence potentially associated with feelings of belonging. The identity of a bodily self expands beyond the boundary of the skin - we sense our interconnection time, place, and people. Integration of integration   Mindsight  Mindsight-the ability to see the internal world of self and others  p. 54 Mindsight is likely to be essential and healthy relationships of many kinds  Mindsight permits integrative communication in which individuals are honored for their differences and compassionate connections are cultivated that link one mind to another  Daniel Siegel proposes that interpersonal integration promotes the growth of integrative fibers in the brain. The neural circuits linking differentiating areas to one another are the regulatory and social circuits of the brain. 54   Three Components of Mindsight -- insight, empathy and integration.  Insight: Reflecting with awareness by focusing attention on the internal, subjective world of one's own interior mental experience, including feelings, thoughts, memories Empathy: Sensing the inner experience of another within one's own mind; forming a mental map of another; feeling felt by an empathic other is the foundation of a supportive relationship Integration: The differentiation or specialization, and, ultimately, linkage of systems including the brain and interpersonal relationships; without integration, chaos, rigidity, or both emerge, resulting in a state of mental dysfunction; with integration, harmony emerges with flexibility, adaptability, coherence, stability, and energy (a FACES flow) Mindsight:  the ability to see the internal world of self and others, not just to observe behavior. It is the way we not only sense but also shape energy and information flow within the triangle of mind, brain, and relationships and move that flow toward integration. Using mindsight, integration made visible is kindness and compassion. p.506 Integration made visible is kindness, compassion, and well-being How do we get there.  Lots of recommendations from IPNB.  Lots of models and acronym. Can check out Dr. Dan Siegel's website at https://drdansiegel.com/   Lots of resources there if IPNB resonates with you.  Books and courses and blogs and videos and all kinds of things, most of it free, and he's a very good speaker and teacher.  He's done a lot to help parents raise very young children, informed by the science of IPNB and to help parents and their adolescent children understand and connect with each other.   Wheel of awareness -- A reflective practice that integrates consciousness using the metaphor of a wheel in which the hub represents the knowing of being aware and the room contains the elements of the knowns, from the first five senses to mental activity such as emotions, thoughts, and memory. p.511 other resources  I'm going to focus on one resource today, one of many resources Healthy Mind Platter I'm going to focus on one particular element.  Healthy Mind Platter  In 2011, the USDA change from a food pyramid (nearly two decades) to a food plate.  Inspired David Rock and Daniel Siegel to design the "Healthy Mind Platter"   The Healthy Mind Platter has seven daily essential mental activities necessary for optimum mental health.  These seven daily activities make up the full set of “mental nutrients” that your brain and relationships need to function at their best.  By engaging every day in each of these servings, you promote integration in your life and enable your brain to coordinate and balance its activities. These essential mental activities strengthen your brain's internal connections and your connections with other people and the world around you. We're not suggesting specific amounts of time for this recipe for a healthy mind, as each individual is different, and our needs change over time too.  The point is to become aware of the full spectrum of essential mental activities, and as with essential nutrients, make sure that at least every day we are bringing the right ingredients into our mental diet, even if for just a bit of time.  List of the Health Mind Platter elements: Sleep Time  Physical Time  Downtime  Focused Time  Playtime  Time in  Connecting Time  (repeat)   Components of the Health Mind platter -- drawing from various sources by Dan Seigel and also a video by Marie Holowaychuk  Psychotherapy Networker article The Heathy Mind Platter May 2020  Sleep Time When we give the brain the rest it needs, we consolidate learning and recover from the experiences of the day.  This is important for lots of reasons, especially because sleep directly affects inflammation in the brain. It's also critical because when we get seven to nine hours of quality sleep, the toxins secreted by active neurons during our waking hours are cleaned up. Without enough sleep, we're likely to have increased brain inflammation and decreased ability to focus, remember, stabilize our mood, and even process calories  memory consolidation and processing, learning and task integration, emotional regulation and positivity, insight, creativity and problem-solving   Physical Time  When we move our bodies, aerobically if medically possible, we strengthen the brain in many ways. It's easy to become a couch potato when we're spending so much time in front of screens, so we need this time when we really focus on moving our body. Therapists can consider doing this in between sessions or even with clients. Helps to maintain brain health and plasticity increases learning and memory improves cognitive and executive functions enables us to focus in spite of distractions benefits of reducing stress, anxiety, and depression Downtime When we are non-focused, without any specific goal, and let our mind wander or simply relax, we help the brain recharge.  This is space to not do anything specific and just chill out. Our minds need this. As opposed to moments when we find ourselves unintentionally getting distracted, down time involves intentionally letting our minds wander. This might include watching a show or listening to music, drawing on a pad of paper, or simply playing with water in the sink as you do the dishes.  we let our mind simply wander or relax  downtime allows our brains to recharge permits integration of previous thoughts and experiences  we get a generation of new insights because it enables integration across the left and right hemispheres  struggle with a complex problem, but when you start feeling anxious or stressed or hit the wall, distract yourself from with from the problem by doing something completely unrelated  sudden insight often follows   Focus Time: When we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, we take on challenges that make deep connections in the brain.  This is time spent focusing on something external with discipline, like reading a book. Say to yourself, “For this half hour, I'm not going to be distracted by the news or anything else.” Research suggests that when we focus our attention like this, we release a number of substances, including BDNF (brain-derived neurotrophic factor), which enhance brain growth. When we have a singular focus of attention, we learn more, remember more, and enjoy the experience more.  Paying close attention to some project  you're not multitasking, instead you are focusing in a goal oriented way, thinking efficiently and effectively you're not getting distracted by all sorts of other things, phone and email alerts are off.   Really focusing attention on just one thing a time Can come with a feeling of success, of mastery because you were able to really accomplish something, to do something new.  Focus time gets the brain to secrete to chemicals to allow the neurons which are firing to strengthen their connections to one another. This helps your attention and concentration -- helps develop your prefrontal cortex and your sharpens and clarifies your mind.   Cal Newport's Book Deep Work taught me so much about this component of the healthy mind platter -- and others as well.  Highly recommended, with very practical tips that have helped me a lot in producing this podcast.    Playtime When we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, we help make new connections in the brain.  This doesn't refer to sports but to doing something that allows you to laugh and be spontaneous—without judgments or feeling that there's a right or wrong way to do it. The notion here is to engage in an activity, perhaps with others, in which the enjoyment and creative unfolding of the moment is the focus. Too often adults lose this sense of playfulness. To cope with this pandemic, we need to keep our humor and our vitality alive and well!  this can be thought of being playful of letting novelty failure experience that letting you be spontaneous often with a sense of humor and the light. Children do this naturally, adolescents less so, and in adulthood we get very serious so it's important to have playtime. Because when you allow the brain to make these new combinations and create a sense of safety and a willingness to expand which are used to doing to expand beyond the familiar. This is a playfulness actually keeps the brain young and keeps the connections in the brain growing. That's playtime.  Forget all about work and other commitments, and be social in an unstructured way flexible emotional responses to unexpected events.  Practicing spontaneous and novel motor and social skills, facilitates learning creativity and memory  stimulates dopamine release, which helps to establish new neuronal pathways in the brain  game night with friends or coworkers, going outside to build a snowman, adult coloring books   Time in When we quietly reflect internally, focusing on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts, we help to better integrate the brain.  This is time you may already spend engaged in a formal mindfulness practice, like yoga or meditation. Inward reflection can include the three pillars of focusing attention, opening awareness, and cultivating kind intention.  This is when we are able to quietly able to reflect internally  focusing on sensations, images, feelings, and thoughts in the present moment  focusing on acceptance of the process, rather than the content  balance of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems  improved attention and more flexible Prospectives about life  better control emotions and stress  improving compassion and empathy towards our self and others   Connecting Time When we connect with other people, ideally in person, and when we take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world around us, we activate and reinforce the brain's relational circuitry  This is time you put into intentionally connecting with people, even if you can't be in their immediate physical presence. This relational time involves communicating not only with other people, but also with nature. Finding time to connect with people and the planet can help with the sense of isolation we may feel these days.  When we are able to connect with other people, ideally in person  taking time to appreciate our connections to the world around us  improves relational circuitry in the brain, and benefits the cardiovascular, endocrine, and immune systems  a buffering effect in on stress by helping us to have a positive outlook, form secure attachments, and have efficient restorative behaviors in times of stress  make time to connect with others, especially your spouse, your partner, family, and friends  plan outings, date nights, or activities into your weekly routine, to make sure that your personal connections are maintained   Review of components Sleep Time  Physical Time  Downtime  Focused Time  Playtime  Time in  Connecting Time   How to connect Interpersonal Neurobiology with Catholicism?  Harmonizing. I'm in a six-month intensive course with Dan Siegel, it is his Comprehensive Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) Course and as part of that course, we have Q&A sessions.  I was really interested in how open the IPNB model might be to Catholicism -- I wanted his thoughts on that.   Remember that IPNB draws from so many disciplines, and not just scientific ones, but any discipline with a rigorous approach to learning, including the liberal arts, poetry, and even contemplative traditions.  And I like Dan Siegel -- he is very approachable, open, receptive, and I have a deep sense that he has a big heart, a lot of concern for our human condition, a genuine compassion for his neighbor.  Not just an academic sense.    So I asked Dr. Siegel.  I sent him this question:   Q. How does the integrative, multidisciplinary framework of IPNB, which draws from the findings of so many fields, consider the wisdom (based on divine revelation) that revealed religions (i.e., Judaism, Christianity, Islam) claim to offer about human well-being to their followers – or is that way of “knowing” considered “unscientific” or “not rigorous” and therefore not invited into the IPNB framework? Re-read it  And he responded --  A: Thank you for the question, Peter. Initially, IPNB was created through the weaving of western-based academic disciplines from math and physics to biology and psychology to sociology and anthropology. It began with an effort to ask, what is the mind and how are mind and brain related to one another? As the notion of consilience later became clear, the approach broadened to include any disciplined way of understanding the nature of reality. For that reason, systematic “disciplined” ways of exploring reality, questioning what emerges, and then re-considering what is found in an attempt to build a broad framework for understanding includes the ancient wisdom traditions of Indigenous knowledge and contemplative insights. In meeting with religious leaders from the faiths you have mentioned, the plane-of-possibility view as the “generator of diversity” seems to fit with the deepest aspects of their teachings, part of what Aldous Huxley and Huston Smith might have referred to as perennial wisdom. I have also met with some teachers, not leaders, but local teachers, in various faiths who say their view is the only true view, and that to try to find a consilience across ways of knowing, from various religions and from science, is an assault on their unique and privileged “knowing of what the truth is.” In this case, that mental stance of absolute belief in the veracity of their perspective is not a part of a consilient mindset, and so it is difficult to see how, though their views would be welcomed to be examined, not just accepted because the individual believes them to be true, people with such a viewpoint would xcollaborate in looking for common ground. I hope this response makes sense. Reread the bolded part.  I thought his response was gracious and I appreciate Dan Siegel's directness and honesty.  I was not surprised by the content.  The way I interpret this is that there's not room in IPNB from Dan Siegel's point of view for one to be Catholic and participate in the search for common ground.  No revealed religion's tenets could be included because they are not open to being challenged, questioned and discarded if they don't seem to line up with the findings of the other disciplines.  That's one of his non-negotiable principles for IPNB.  So his consilient framework doesn't draw from all available knowledge.  So Dan Siegel and I disagree about epistemology -- how you know things.   For him, divine revelation is not a valid source of knowing that can inform IPNB.  For me, it divine revelation is not only essential, it's the starting point.  It's the reference point, like the North Star.  And that's likely to lead to disagreements between Dan Seigel and me about metaphysics.  But I don't ignore the valuable work of DNA discoverers James Watson and Francis Crick who described the beauty of the double helix structure of DNA--  I don't ignore their work or discount it  because both Watson and Crick displayed intense anti-Catholic bigotry.  So I'm certainly not going to ignore the really valuable work of Dan Siegel in IPNB -- let's draw the good from it. And I've not seen anything that condemns or criticizes Catholicism from Dan Siegel.  He's not Catholic, I don't expect him to embrace the Church's teaching.  Let's not be afraid of the work of IPNB and other secular approaches, let's conform it to what we already know to be true by faith.   So the upshot of all this is, for those that really want to ground human formation and psychology in a Catholic understanding of the human person, for us Catholics to not only be Catholic with a capital C, but also with a small c.  "catholic" meaning universal.  We find the good in all these secular approaches and harmonize it with our faith.  Not the other way around.  And there is no tension between authentic science and the Faith. CCC Paragraph 159:  "Though faith is above reason, there can never be any real discrepancy between faith and reason. Since the same God who reveals mysteries and infuses faith has bestowed the light of reason on the human mind, God cannot deny himself, nor can truth ever contradict truth." "Consequently, methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific manner and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God. The humble and persevering investigator of the secrets of nature is being led, as it were, by the hand of God in spite of himself, for it is God, the conserver of all things, who made them what they are." That's what I am here to help you do.  To take the best of secular approaches to science, like IPNB and ground them in an authentic Catholic understanding of  the human person.  That's what I am all about, that is what this podcast Interior Integration for Catholics is all about that is what Souls and Hearts is all about. I accept the authority of the Catholic Church to teach definitively in the areas of faith and morals.  That's my starting point.  I hold those truths to be indeed true.  I am open to the possibility and the potential that I have for misunderstanding those truths.  I have misunderstood some of them before, and I may well be misunderstanding some of them now.  But one main reason for divine revelation is to show us those truths that we could never have figured out using the light of natural reason alone.  I really do believe that the reason our Lord came when he did in human history is because the Greeks had gotten about as far as natural reason would take them in philosophy and the Romans had gotten about as far as natural reason would take them in law.   So my mission, my calling is to bring you the best of psychological and human formation resources firmly rooted in a Catholic anthropology.   This is entirely consistent with the teaching of the Church as expressed in Vatican II, in paragraph 62 of The Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World: "in pastoral care, sufficient you should be made, not only of theological principles, but also of the findings of secular sciences, especially psychology and sociology; in this way the faithful will be brought to a purer and more mature living of the faith"   Closing Really excited about next month's episode -- Episode 93, coming out on May 1, 2022, where I will be offering you three experiential exercises that integrate what we've been learning in episode 89 on polyvagal theory, episode 90 on Positive Psychology, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy and Internal Family Systems and this current episode, 92 on Interpersonal Neurobiology -- all these secular approaches, I'm going to be drawing from them in these experiential exercises to really help you know yourself better, understand your needs, find where you may have internal disconnects, and also get some direction on what the next steps are.  So look for that on Monday, May 1, new episodes come out the first Monday of the month.   Weekly emails -- been doing a whole series on enemies, lots of surprising things on enemies.   Check out our Litanies of the Heart -- really excited to just have released these.  The last Episode 92 was all about the Litany of the Closed Heart, the Litany of the Fearful Heart and the Litany of the Wounded Heart.  So much great feedback.  Soulsandhearts.com/lit.   Conversation Hours You are a listener to this podcast, and in that sense, you are with me.  I am also with you!  Remember, can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time for our regular conversation hours.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  If you really like this podcast, if you are finding it to be of great benefit to you -- consider the Resilient Catholics Community.  Waiting list is open for The Resilient Catholics Community at Soulsandhearts.com/rcc for our June 2022  So much information there and videos.  I want to invite you to the Resilient Catholics Community The Why of the RCC --  It's all about loving with your whole heart -- all of your being.  Getting over all the natural level issues that hold you back from tolerating being loved and from loving God and others.   Who  Who is the Resilient Catholics Community for? It's for you. If you really are into this podcast, if these ways of conceptualizing the human person and integration and human formation and resilience are appealing to you, then the Resilient Catholics community, the RCC may be for you.   I am looking for listeners who want to be with other like-minded Catholics on the journey, on this adventure of human formation with me.   Who deeply desire a personal, intimate relationship with God and with Mary, a real human, close connection  And who recognize they have some natural-level impediments to that deep relating  and  who are willing to make sacrifices in time, effort, money, humility and courage to grow in human formation and overcome natural-level impediments to being loved and to loving  What want to shore up their natural foundation for the spiritual life, because grace perfects nature.   Who want to become saints.   Who are willing to be pioneers at the cutting edge in this adventure of human formation.  Really at the tip of the spear, the first explorers of this human formation ground for laymen and laywomen.   First of all the RCC is My Tribe, my people, bringing together two groups into one First, faithful, orthodox, serious Catholics who are wounded and suffering and know it  And Second, who are psychologically minded (or at least want to be psychologically minded), who believe in the unconscious and who embrace the unity and multiplicity of the human person  And who want to see through the lens of a core self and parts.  Unity and multiplicity make sense.   Go to Soulsandhearts.com/rcc and register for the June wait list.  I'd like to journey with you.    Patron and Patroness

Summary:  Join us as we review how philosophers and modern secular psychologists understand mental health and well-being.  In this episode, we look at the attempts to define what make us happy, from the 4th century BC to the present day.  Arristipus, Aristotle, Descartes, Freud, Seligman, Porges, Schwartz, and two diagnostic systems.  We take a special look at how positive psychology and Internal Family Systems see well-being.   Lead in  In  June of 1991 I was really traumatized Just left a spiritually and psychologically abusive group and I was struggling  How could this have happened  I thought I was giving my life to God -- and then I find out the community I was in was like this --  Had to confront my own behaviors in the community -- manipulation, deception, betrayals of trust -- things like that.   I knew I had to recover.  And so I went on a quest  I was still Catholic, I never lost my faith, but I felt really burned by the Catholic Church  I wanted to learn everything I could about social influence, about group dynamics, about psychological manipulation -- in part so what happened before would never happen again, and also to tap into wisdom that I didn't have access to in my very sheltered community.  In short, I was on a quest to find out the best of what secular psychology had to offer.   I would have gone to a Catholic Graduate  What I was looking for  What I found   Introduction Question may arise, "Why Dr. Peter, since you are a Catholic psychologist, why are you even looking at these secular sources? Why even bother with them?  Don't we have everything we need in Scripture, in the traditions of the Church, in the writings of the Church Fathers and the saints, and in magisterial teaching?  I thought this was a Catholic podcast here.   Let me ask you question in return then -- Let's say you're experiencing serious physical symptoms -- something is wrong medically.  You have intense abdominal pain, right around your navel, your belly is starting to swell, you have a low-grade fever, you've lost your appetite and you're nauseous and you have diarrhea.  How would you react if I were to say to you: "Why are you considering consulting secular medical experts?  What need have you of doctors and a hospital?  Don't you have everything you need in Scripture, in the traditions of the Church, in the writings of the Church Fathers and the saints, and in magisterial teaching?   If I responded to you like that, you might think I'm a crackpot or that I believe in faith healing alone or that I just don't get what you are experiencing. Those are the symptoms of an appendicitis, and that infected appendix could burst 48-72 hours after your first symptoms.  If that happens, bacteria spread infection throughout your abdomen, and that is potentially life-threatening.  You would need surgery to remove the appendix and clean out your abdomen.   Remember that we are embodied beings -- we are composites of a soul and a body. The 17th Century Philosopher Rene Descartes' gave us a lot of great things, including analytic geometry,  but he was wrong splitting the body from the mind in his dualism.   Descartes' mind-body dualism, the idea that the body and the mind operate in separate spheres, and neither can be assimilated into the other which has been so influential in our modern era. In the last several years we are realizing just how much of our mental life and our psychological well-being is linked in various ways to our neurobiology -- the ways that our nervous systems function.  And the relationship between our embodied brain and our minds is reciprocal -- each affects the other in complex ways that we are just beginning to understand.  In other words, brain chemistry affects our emotional states.  And our emotional states and our behaviors affect brain chemistry.  It's not just our minds and it's not just our bodies and it's not just our souls -- it's all of those, all of what makes me who I am, body, mind, soul, spirit, all of it.   And since Scripture, the Early Church Fathers, the Catechism and so on are silent on neurobiology, neurochemistry, neurophysiology and so many other areas that impact our minds and our well-being, as a Catholic psychologist I am going to look elsewhere, I'm going to look into secular sources.  I just don't think it's reasonable to expect the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops or the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith in the Vatican to be experts in these areas -- it's not their calling.  I just don't think anyone is going to find an effective treatment for bulimia by consulting the writings of the Early Church Fathers or in St. Thomas Aquinas' Summa Theologica.  That is unreasonable .  And it's just as unreasonable, in my opinion, to ignore the body and just try to work with the mind.   I also believe that God works through non-Catholics in many ways -- many non-Catholic researchers and clinicians and theorists are using the light of natural reason to discover important realities that help us understanding well-being, and they are inspired to seek what can be known with good motivations, with good hearts and sharp minds to help and love others.   I am a Catholic with upper-case C, a big C and I am catholic with a lower-case C -- a little C.  Catholic with a little C.  According to my Oxford American Writer's Thesaurus, Third Edition, which I rely on for wordfinding, according to this thesaurus, the synonyms for Catholic with a small c include the following terms:  universal, diverse, broad-based, eclectic, comprehensive, all-encompassing, all-embracing and all-inclusive.  That's what catholic with a small c means.  So I am Catholic with a big C and catholic with a small c.   And a final point about why I look to secular sources -- The Church herself encourages us to look to all branches of knowledge and glean what is best from them.   From the CCC, paragraph 159  "Though faith is above reason, there can never be any real discrepancy between faith and reason. Since the same God who reveals mysteries and infuses faith has bestowed the light of reason on the human mind, God cannot deny himself, nor can truth ever contradict truth." "Consequently, methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific manner and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God. The humble and persevering investigator of the secrets of nature is being led, as it were, by the hand of God in spite of himself, for it is God, the conserver of all things, who made them what they are." And from the Vatican II document, the Pastoral Constitution of the Church in the Modern World, paragraph 62 reads:  In pastoral care, sufficient use must be made not only of theological principles, but also of the findings of the secular sciences, especially of psychology and sociology, so that the faithful may be brought to a more adequate and mature life of faith. Finally, I will say that considering the whole person -- Soul, spirit, mind and body -- all of the person is so much more helpful in the process of recovery that just splitting off the mind and working with it alone, or just trying to work with the mind and the soul but not the body.  So there are pragmatic considerations, practical aspects to this.  I like to practice psychology in ways that actually work.  The fruit that comes from considering the body and working with the body as well the mind and soul is just so much better.  And so we want to work in an integrative way.  That what this podcast Interior Integration for Catholics is all about -- this is episode 90 released on March 7. 2022, titled Your Well-Being:  The Secular Experts Speak and I am  I am clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski, your host and companion today, and also president and Co-Founder of Souls and Hearts at soulsandhearts.com -- our mission in Souls and Hearts is to bring the best of psychology and human formation grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person to help wounded Catholics rise above our psychological issues and human formation problems which hold us back from embracing love from Jesus, the Holy Spirit, God our Father and Mary our Mother and loving them back with our whole souls and hearts, with all our parts.    Secular Sources The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5 -- DSM-5 for short.   From the American Psychiatric Association, which publishes the DSM-5 The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) is the handbook used by health care professionals in the United States and much of the world as the authoritative guide to the diagnosis of mental disorders. DSM contains descriptions, symptoms, and other criteria for diagnosing mental disorders. It provides a common language for clinicians to communicate about their patients and establishes consistent and reliable diagnoses that can be used in the research of mental disorders. It also provides a common language for researchers to study the criteria for potential future revisions and to aid in the development of medications and other interventions. So you would think, given that glowing description of its prowess and authority that it would tell us what psychological well-being is, it would let us know what mental health is.  But if you thought that, you'd be wrong.   Nowhere in the nearly 1000 pages of this tome is there are definition.  You can't find it.  No definition of mental health or psychological wellbeing.  You get a definition of mental disorder and a couple of descriptions of what is not a mental disorder.  This is a quote from page 20.   Definition of a mental disorder:  A mental disorder is a syndrome characterized by clinically significant disturbance in an individual's cognition, emotion regulation, or behavior that reflects a dysfunction in the psychological, biological, or developmental processes underlying mental functioning. Mental disorders are usually associated with significant distress in social, occupational, or other important activities. An expectable or culturally approved response to a common stressor or loss, such as the death of a loved one, is not a mental disorder. Socially deviant behavior (e.g., political, religious, or sexual) and conflicts that are primarily between the individual and society are not mental disorders unless the deviance or conflict results from a dysfunction in the individual, as described above. But no definition of what optimal functioning, or happiness or well-being or psychological health would look like.  That's a real problem.  How are we supposed to know what psychological disorder is when we don't know what psychological health should entail? Canadian Blogger, author and Christian pastor Tim Challies published a blog titled "Counterfeit Detection" in which he describes how Canadian federal agents are trained to detect counterfeit bills -- they first get very familiar with the real money.  Real bills.  Those Canadian follow what John MacArthur wrote in his book Reckless Faith. "Federal agents don't learn to spot counterfeit money by studying the counterfeits. They study genuine bills until they master the look of the real thing. Then when they see the bogus money they recognize it."  Only then are they equipped to spot the forgeries.   So we need a standard, we need to know what well-being looks like so we can use it as a reference point for contrasting anything which is out of order in our psyches.  We're not going to get that reference point from the DSM-5, so let's turn to history.  Let's go back in time to the philosophers of ancient Greece who wrote about well-being and start there.  Let's see if we can find out from our secular sources what the good life is.  What psychological well-being is, what mental health is.    Hedonic wellbeing -- basically this is about feeling good:     Aristippus, a Greek philosopher in the fourth century BC argued that the primary and ultimate goal in life should be to maximize pleasure.  English philosophers  Thomas Hobbes 17th century and Jeremy Bentham in the 18th century, crossing into the 19th century also embraced Hedonic well being.   Definition:  Hedonic wellbeing "focuses on happiness and defines well-being in terms of pleasure attainment and pain avoidance” Ryan and Deci, 2001 On happiness and human potentials: A review of research on hedonic and eudaimonic well-being. Annual Review of Psychology How much pleasure can I get?  How much pain can I avoid -- Hedonic wellbeing.  Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy The term “hedonism,” from the Greek word ἡδονή (hēdonē) for pleasure, refers to several related theories about what is good for us, how we should behave, and what motivates us to behave in the way that we do. All hedonistic theories identify pleasure and pain as the only important elements of whatever phenomena they are designed to describe.   Back to Ryan and Deci “the predominant view among hedonic psychologists is that well-being consists of subjective happiness and concerns the experience of pleasure versus displeasure broadly construed to include all judgments about the good/bad elements of life. Happiness is thus not reducible to physical hedonism, for it can be derived from attainment of goals or valued outcomes in varied realms  Ryan and Deci, 2001 On happiness and human potentials: A review of research on hedonic and eudaimonic well-being. Annual Review of Psychology Summary statement:  Hedonic well-being -- maximize the pleasure, minimize the pain.   And that makes sense to us -- we all have some innate attraction to pleasure and some innate avoidance of pain.   Eudaimonic wellbeing "producing happiness," 1856, from Greek eudaimonikos "conducive to happiness," from eudaimonia "happiness," from eu "good" (see eu-) + daimōn "guardian, genius" (see daimon).  In contrast to hedonic wellbeing's focus on pleasure, we have eudaimonic well-being, which focuses on meaning and purpose in life.   Trace this back to Aristotle also in the 4th Century BC, contemporary of Aristippus.  Aristotle argued, especially in his Nichomachean Ethics -- Aristotle argued that the best things are the ones who perform their function to the highest degree.  My son John Malinoski used this example in his senior thesis for Wyoming Catholic college. His thesis was titled Into the Jung-le: Exploring How Modern Psychological Methodology Relates to and Transforms the Classical Understanding of Man's Psyche  and it has this passage which precisely describes how Aristotle saw well-being, using an illustrative  example of a squirrel and then describing what well-being is for us as human persons:   Aristotle begins his quest for the happy man with one of these endoxa: the generally held, plausible truth that the best things are the ones who perform their function to the highest degree. It seems self-evident that we would judge the worth of a squirrel based on how fast that squirrel can run, how high it can leap, or how much food it can find. In other words, the best squirrel is the one that best fulfills its squirrel nature. Correspondingly, the best man must be the man who excels at being a man; he performs the functions of man to the highest degree. While man has many functions which he shares in common with plants and animals--life, growth, sensation, and so on--he has one particular ability which is unique to him: the ability to reason. Since this higher faculty distinguishes and elevates man above the lesser beings below him, Aristotle claims that it must be the most important aspect of his soul, the characteristic function of man: “We posit the work of a human being as a certain life, and this is an activity of soul and actions accompanied by reason.”6 Since “each thing is brought to completion well in accord with the work proper to it,” it follows that “the human good becomes an activity of the soul in accord with virtue, and if there are several virtues, then in accord with the best and most complete one.”7  This is Aristotle's brief summation of the human good, or happiness. In short, the truly virtuous man has ordered his soul to the fullest extent: not only are all his actions ordered towards reason and the good, but all his inclinations point him toward these properly ordered actions as well. Gale and colleagues 2009 article in the Journal of Personality  The eudaimonic perspective of wellbeing – based on Aristotle's view that true happiness comes from doing what is worth doing – focuses on meaning and self-realization, and defines wellbeing largely in terms of ways of thought and behavior that provide fulfillment. Freud Let's fast forward 2400 years now to Freud.  From the 4th century BC to the 20th Century AD.  To Freud  A lot of people believe that Freud was really a hedonist -- in part because of his pleasure principle.  In Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personality, the pleasure principle is that driving impulse of the id -- the id is the most basic, primitive part of the personality driven by instincts, mostly buried deep in the unconscious.  The pleasure principle describes how the id seeks immediate gratification of all its needs, wants, and urges, seeking with force to satiate hunger, quench thirst, discharge anger, and experience sexual pleasure.   "To Love and to Work" -- summarizing in one pithy statement what a healthy man or woman should be able to do well.   “Love and work…work and love, that's all there is…love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.” -- Civilization and its Discontents  Play:  Freud believed and taught that play was important -- play is a creative activity, play is an adaptive activity, and play is also a therapeutic activity because play generates pleasure through the release of  tension.  Summarize Freud's position on happiness -- the ability to Love, work and play.   Freud in his 1895 book "Studies on Hysteria" coauthored with Josef Breuer.  But you will see for yourself that much has been gained if we succeed in turning your hysterical misery into common unhappiness. With a mental life that has been restored to health, you will be better armed against that unhappiness.” Freud did not promise that his psychoanalytic method would remove "common unhappiness."  He taught that psychoanalysis had its limits.   Which leads us to fast forward 100 years to the late 1990's and the advent of Positive Psychology, which is not satisfied by just accepting common unhappiness.  Positive psychology posits that we can do something about that common unhappiness and make it better -- so it is more ambitious in its goals and promises than Freud ever was.   Positive Psychology:   Definitions:   Peterson 2008  “Positive psychology is the scientific study of what makes life most worth living”  positive psychology is a scientific approach to studying human thoughts, feelings, and behavior, with a focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, building the good in life instead of repairing the bad, and taking the lives of average people up to “great” instead of focusing solely on moving those who are struggling up to “normal”  the scientific study of positive human functioning and flourishing  -- flourishing really is the focus of positive psychology, it's a critical word.  And there's a focus on flourishing in three primary domains.   Flourishing  intrapersonally -- which means within one's own person, within one's own being -- intrapersonally (e.g. biologically, emotionally, cognitively) Flourishing interpersonally (e.g. relationally), in our personal relationships And flourishing collectively (e.g. institutionally, culturally and globally) -- in our culture and society -- flourishing collectively So flourishing is the key word, and the focus is on flourishing intrapersonally, interpersonally, and collectively So what makes the good life according to positive psychologists, according to Martin Seligman? Seligman in his 2002 book Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment details four different forms of what he calls "the good life."  Four different forms or ways of living well, four kinds of well-being.    These are the 1) the pleasant life; 2) a good life; 3) a meaningful life; and 4) a full life.  Repeat them.   We'll go through each one of these starting with the pleasant life.   The pleasant life: according to Martin Seligman, the pleasant life is a simple life, he says "a life that successfully pursues the positive emotions about the present, past and future"  He elaborates, "The pleasant life is wrapped up in the successful pursuit of the positive feelings, supplemented by the skills of amplifying those emotions."  This takes us back to the hedonic wellbeing we discussed earlier, as originally posited by Aristippus, our Greek philosopher in the fourth century BC.  All about the pursuit of good feelings, maximizing positive emotions.  The good life: The good life, according to positive psychology pioneer Martin Seligman means  "using your signature strengths to obtain abundant gratification in the main realms of one's life"  So in this good life, you are able to use your particular talents and unique skills, your special strengths, being true to your own character, being true to your values and virtues, so this sense of "authenticity" is very important in the good life.  So we have the pleasant life, all about positive emotions; and now the good life, in which you have abundant gratification by you doing you, by you being authentic through using your signature qualities in in the world.  The good life is not a permanent state -- we are not always going to be able to use our special talents and qualities in a way that is gratifying to us -- rather, the good life has to be a process of ongoing growth, a process of development.  It's all about continuing to grow.   Then we have the  meaningful life, that's the third form, the meaningful life.  Seligman describes this as "using your signature strengths and virtues in the service of something much larger than you are" In this way of living well, you have a strong bond to "something larger than yourself."  In this way of well-being, it's up to each individual what that "something larger than yourself" is going to be.  So at this point we've covered three of the four kinds of well-being:  we have the pleasant life, all about maximizing your pleasant emotions, we have the good life, which is all about using your signature strength and virtues to be gratified, and we have the third form, the meaningful life, in which we use our signature strengths and virtues in the service of something larger than us.  This level of well-being brings us back to Aristotle and his eudaimonic well-being, which focuses on pursuing meaning and purpose in life.   That leaves us with the fourth way, the full life.  Seligman describes the full life as follows: «Finally, a full life consists in experiencing positive emotions about the past and future, savoring positive feelings from pleasures, deriving abundant gratification from your signature strengths, and using these strengths in the service of something larger to obtain meaning»  So what is added to the first three ways of well-being in this last way, the fourth way, the full life is the concept of service.  Here's where he starts to sound a little like Bob Dylan's 1979 song "Gotta Serve Somebody."  In the full life, a  man uses his strengths and abilities in the most optimized way to serve something larger than himself." In the full life, a woman gets outside herself and brings her talents and virtues to serve a greater good in a way that shines.  The full life reflects optimal human functioning.  Seligman thus is very Aristotleian in how  he argues that a person has the best experience of life, the greatest sense of well-being when that person is functioning  optimally, bringing all the particular talents, skills, strengths and virtues to bear in the services of the greater good.  Effort to refocus psychology on wholeness and wellness -- not on illness or disorder or weaknesses or problems Focus on positive aspects A to Z list from Chapter 2 of the book Well-Being, Recovery, and Mental Health by Lindsay Oades and Lara Mossman:  altruism, accomplishment, appreciation of beauty and excellence, authenticity, best possible selves, character strengths, coaching, compassion, courage, coping, creativity, curiosity, emotional intelligence, empathy, flow, forgiveness, goal setting, gratitude, grit, happiness, hope, humor, kindness, leadership, love, meaning, meditation, mindfulness, motivation, optimism, performance, perseverance, positive emotions, positive relationships, post-traumatic growth, psychological capital, purpose, resilience, savoring, self-efficacy, self-regulation, spirituality, the good life, virtues, wisdom and zest.  Origin of Positive Psychology is often attributed to Abraham Maslow's 1954 book "Motivation and Personality."   Really took off in the late 1990's when positive psychology pioneer Martin Seligman became president of the American Psychological Society and was able to effectively popularize positive psychology Increase human strength -- make people more "productive"  Nurturing of genius and fostering greater human potential  Calling for research on human strength and virtue.   How do human being flourish at the individual level, the community level, and at the societal level?   Emphasis on Different interventions that have been found to improve levels of happiness and well-being.   Best possible self -- writing about yourself at your best, remembering yourself at your best Working on forgiveness -- I find this really interesting that forgiveness  -- Robert Enright has done a lot of research in this area, with a focus on letting go of anger, resentment and bitterness toward those who have caused me pain. Getting a more balanced view of the offender  Reducing negative feelings toward the offender and possibly increasing compassion  Relinquishing the right to punish the offender or demand restitution.     Increasing gratitude -- finding things to be thankful for, reflecting on blessings, expressing gratitude in a variety of ways -- Gratitude is the expression of appreciate for what I have.  Research shows many positive psychological benefits to deliberately practicing gratitude Fostering optimism -- the tendency to anticipate favorable outcomes.  Things are going to work out.  The glass is half full.  The idea is that optimism can be learned.  It can be practiced and developed and when it is, people feel better.   Cultivating Mindfulness the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment“ (Kabat-Zinn, Reference Kabat-Zinn2003, p. 2) Listening to uplifting music Positive Psychotherapy Savoring (savoring can be past-focused (reminiscing about positive experiences), present-focused (savoring the moment) or future-focused (anticipating positive experiences yet to come) (Smith et al., 2014) Self-compassionate writing -- being gentle with yourself in your journal PDM 2 -- Now completely revised (over 90% new), this is the authoritative diagnostic manual grounded in psychodynamic clinical models and theories. Explicitly oriented toward case formulation and treatment planning, PDM-2 offers practitioners an empirically based, clinically useful alternative or supplement to DSM and ICD categorical diagnoses.  A clinically useful classification of mental disorders must begin with a concept of healthy psychology. Mental health is more than simply the absence of symptoms. Just as healthy cardiac functioning cannot be defined as an absence of chest pain, healthy mental functioning is more than the absence of observable symptoms of psychopathology. p.3 Three major axes: Personality Organization, Mental Functioning, and Symptom Patterns Personality Organization P Axis What level of personality organization does the person have?   4 major categories -- psychotic, borderline, neurotic, and healthy.   What style personality or pattern does one have -- e.g. depressive, hypomanic, masochistic, dependent, anxious-avoidant (aka phobic), obsessive-compulsive, schizoid, somatizing, hysteric/histrionic, narcissistic, paranoid, psychopathic, sadistic, and borderline.  You've got one of these styles.   Mental Functioning -- overall description of mental functioning -- the capacities involved in psychological health or pathology -- looking at the inner mental life of the person Symptom Patterns -- S axis -- looks at emotional states, cognitive processes, bodily experiences, and relational patterns -- looks at the person's personal experience of his or her difficulties Psychodiagnostic Chart-2 by Robert Gordon and Robert Bornstein -- downloadable Use   Breaking it down Personality Organization P Axis -- What level of personality organization does the person have.  4 major categories -- psychotic, borderline, neurotic, and healthy.  What style personality or pattern does one have -- e.g. depressive, hypomanic, masochistic, dependent, anxious-avoidant (aka phobic), obsessive-compulsive, schizoid, somatizing, hysteric/histrionic, narcissistic, paranoid, psychopathic, sadistic, and borderline.  You've got one of these styles.   To be able to understand oneself in complex, stable, and accurate ways To maintain intimate, stable, and satisfying relationships To use more healthy defenses and copings strategies -- anticipation, self-assertion, sublimation, suppression, altruism and humor To appreciate, if not necessarily conform to, conventional notions of what is realistic Life problems rarely get out of hand There is enough flexibility to accommodate to challenging realities Mental Functioning M axis  Cognitive processes capacity to regulate thinking, attention, learning  Capacity to communicate one's thoughts to others   Emotional processes to be able to experience a full range of emotions  To regulate emotions well  To understand one's own emotions  To be able to communicate one's emotions   Identity -- deals with the question, who am I? Capacity for differentiation -- a solid sense of being psychological separate from others -- not fused, or enmeshed or co-dependent  Regulation of self-esteem  Awareness of internal experience   Relationships Capacity for relationships  Capacity for intimacy   Defenses and coping Impulse control -- regulation of impulses   Defensive functioning -- able to use effective coping strategies e.g. extreme denial  vs. humor   Adaptation -- this is a state, reflecting how an individual deals with specific stressors going on in life right now  Resilience -- this is a trait -- general ability  Check out episodes 20, 21, 22, and 23 of this podcast for a four part series on resilience American Psychological Association defines resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress— such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences.”  So resilience is a trait.  Strength   Self-awareness Self-observing capacities -- psychological mindfulness  Self-direction   Capacity to construct and use internal standards and ideal A sense of meaning and purpose in life   Symptom patterns -- S Axis the severity of psychological symptoms   Polyvagal theory -- we spent the last episode, episode 89 titled "Your Body, Your Trauma: Protection vs. Connection discussing Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory.   Deb Dana: Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection The ventral vagal system truly powers the journey to well-being Now remember, the ventral vagal system corresponds to  the ventral branch of the vagal nerve-- and the ventral vagal system serves the social engagement system -- remember -- that's the relational connection system. The ventral vagal nerve dampens the body's regularly active state. The ventral vagal nerve allows activation of the autonomic nervous system in a nuanced way, thus offering a different quality than sympathetic activation -- that's how you can being excited and celebrate your favorite sports team score again against their rivals without becoming overwhelmed by a fight or flight response.  What is it like to be in a ventral vagal state?  It's a positive state -- it's not just the absence of being in sympathetic hyperarousal when you are in fight or flight.  It's also not just the absence of being in a dorsal vagal hypoarousal shutdown or freeze state.  It's more than just those two systems being downregulated.  It's the ventral vagal system being activated.  It's an active state with these properties  Physical responses Reduced heart rate  Steady breathing  Relaxed digestion  Rest and recuperation  Vitality  Circulation to extremities  Stress reduction   Psychological responses A sense of calm  A sense of safety  Feeling grounded  Joy  Mindfulness  An ability to be very much in the present moment   Relational responses Desire for connection with others.  A genuine interest in others  Openness and receptivity in relationship  Acceptance and embracing of vulnerability   Empathy and compassion for others Oxytocin is released that stimulates social bonding  Ability to related and to connect with others without anxiety   This state changes the way we look and sound to others -- the tone and rhythm of your voice is more inviting   Story -- I'm in a good place, I can be loved and love, I can connect with others, there is good in the world.  Live is so worth living, and I want to share joy and peace and even sorrow and challenges with other people.   So polyvagal theory is going to focus specifically on the regulation of your nervous system in assessing your well-being.  The more you can be in a ventral vagal state, whether you are resting or excited, the better.  So for those therapists who use polyvagal theory, there is a focus on resetting the autonomic nervous system, helping us in a bodily way to get back to a ventral vagal state.  And we contrast that to the sympathetic fight or flight response and the dorsal vagal shutdown response.   Danger activates the sympathetic system, we are all about survival now  Physical responses Body is mobilized for action.  Ready to run / Efforts to escape  Hypervigilance -- body goes on high alert, pupils dilating, letting more light  Very high levels of energy in this state, adrenaline rush  Muscles get tense  Blood pressure rises  Heart rate accelerates  Adrenaline releases  Extra oxygen is circulated to vital organs  Digestion decreases  Immune response is suppressed   Psychological responses  Emotional Overwhelm usually worry moving to anxiety to fear to panic  Or frustration to irritation to anger to rage confrontational, aggressive   Scanning for threats  Capacity for complex, flexible reasoning is very much reduced -- leads to confusion  No sense of safety, you start missing signs of safety and misreading signs of safety   Relational responses Sense of separation, isolation from others-- cut off from others, no sense of relational connection anymore -- the connection is sacrificed in order to seek greater protection  Disconnection from self, others, world, disconnected spiritually.-- you can't see others, really, except through the lens of danger and safety   If we don't feel safe, there's no way we can provide a sense of safety to others.   Story: The world is unsafe and people are dangerous, unfriendly, scary, falling apart   When the mobilization doesn't bring a resolution to the distress -- then the ANS takes the final step, and shoots the last arrow it has in its quiver.  This is the freeze response. When there is a deep sense that my life is threatened and the sympathetic activation doesn't resolve the perceived threat, then the dorsal vagal system kicks in.  That's the freeze response, that's the collapse into "dorsal vagal lifelessness"  Physical response Heart rate decreases, slows way down  Blood pressure drops  Body temperature decreases  Muscle tone relaxes  Breathing becomes shallow  Immune response drops  Pain threshold increases -- greater pain tolerance because of endorphin release that numbs pain.   Immobilization response -- appearing physically dead  Digestion and metabolism slows way down -- going into conservation mode, like hibernating until the life threat passes.   Psychological response Sense of helplessness  Depression, despondency, lethargy  Numbing out  Disconnection  Thinking become very foggy, fuzzy, unclear  Dissociation, Spacing out, feeling disconnect from the present, untethered, floating, derealization   Feeling trapped Preparing for death Feeling hopeless Shutting down and feeling psychologically inert, paralyzed Feeling a deep sense of shame Relational response Very isolated  Can't listen to others, don't notice them very well, because of how shut down and self-absorbed you are in this state  Can't share very well, difficulty with words  Very little agency  Can't focus   Story:  A story of despair.  I am unlovable, invisible, lost, alone, in desperate straits, about to die.   So polyvagal theory is going to focus specifically on the regulation of your nervous system in assessing your well-being.   According to polyvagal theory if we are in sympathetic arousal, the fight or flight mode, we are focused on the perceived dangers around us and we focus on self-protection.  This leads us to sacrifice connection with others.   If we are in the dorsal vagal shutdown, the freeze response, we hiding from the prospect of imminent death, shutting down into a conservation mode, hoping to survive the perceived imminent lethal danger by becoming immobile.   So for those therapists informed by polyvagal theory, there is a focus on resetting the autonomic nervous system, helping us in a bodily way to get back to a ventral vagal state, to leave the dorsal vagal shutdown state, to leave the sympathetic fight-or-flight state and get back to a peaceful bodily state.  These therapists start with the body, not so much the mind.   Internal Family Systems or IFS-- developed by Richard Schwartz, described in the first edition of Internal Family System Therapy which was published in 1995  IFS brings systems thinking inside -- it conceptualized the human person as a living system.  Richard Schwartz is a family therapist who was trained in family systems work.  He recognized that the inner life of a person mirrored family life, from a systems perspective.  But before we go much further, let's ask the question -- What is a system:  Definition from Ben Lutkevich at techtarget.com Systems thinking is a holistic approach to analysis that focuses on the way that a system's constituent parts interrelate and how systems work over time and within the context of larger systems. The systems thinking approach contrasts with traditional analysis, which studies systems by breaking them down into their separate elements.  Wellbeing according to IFS is when inner system of the person shows certain qualities Balance  -- the degree of influence that each member has in the system on decisions making is appropriate and that the boundaries are balanced and appropriate within the system.   Harmony -- an effort is made to find the role each member desires and and for which he is best suited.  Members of the system work together, cooperatively.  The harmony of the system allows each member to find and pursue his own vision while fitting that member's vision into the broader vision of the system as a whole.  There is cooperation and collaboration among the members of the system.   Leadership --One or more members of the system must have the ability and respect to do the following: Mediate polarizations  Facilitate the flow of information withing the system  Ensure that all members of the system are protected and cared for and that they feel valued and encouraged to pursue their individual vision within the limits of the system's needs  Allocate resources, responsibilities, and influence fairly  Provide a broad perspective and vision for the system as a whole  Represent the system in interaction with other systems  And interpret feedback from other systems honestly   Development -- the members of the system and the system itself can grow -- developing the skills and relationships needed to carry out the vision of the system.   IFS model of the person Person is composed of a body, plus his parts, plus his self -- that's the internal system of a person -- body, parts, and self  This will be a review for many of you who listen to the podcast   Self:  The core of the person, the center of the person.  This is who we sense ourselves to be in our best moments, and when our self is free, and unblended with any of our parts, it governs our whole being as an active, compassionate leader, with a deep sense of recollection on the natural level.  You can also experience being in self as an expansive state of mind   We want to be recollected, we want the self governing all of our parts Like the conductor -- leading the musicians in an orchestra Like the captain -- leading and governing all the sailors on a ship.   When we are recollected, in self, 8 C's -- this is the ideal state Calm  -agitation, frustration, anxious, stressed, angry   Curiosity -- indifferent, disinterested, seeing other parts and seeing other people in two dimensions, one dimension, or no dimensions -- Episode 72 -Y- nuanced vs. reductionistic understandings of ourselves and others.   Compassion -- cold, uncaring, unfriendly, hard, reserved, unsympathetic Confidence -- timid, pessimistic, doubtful and insecure Courage -- fearful, shy, faint-hearted, irresolute Clarity -- confused, muddled inside, things are obscured, dark inside, foggy, sees vague forms moving in a shadow world.   Connectedness  -- internal fragmentation, disjointed, distant, aloof Creativity  -- uninspired, inept, very conventional, repetitive futility, doing the same thing over and over again, with no different results Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own approach to sexuality.  Robert Falconer calls them insiders.   IFS has two states Unblended -- this is when one is in a state of self  Unburdened -- this is when our parts are freed from their burndens.   Interpersonal Neurobiology -- pioneered by Daniel Siegel  Definition -- Interpersonal Neurobiology is not a separate discipline -- it's not something that would have its own academic department within a university, for example.  Rather, it is an interdisciplinary framework -- and that means that Interpersonal Neurobiology or IPNB for short, draws from many different disciplines -- many different approaches that have their own individual and unique rigorous approaches to studying phenomena relevant to well-being.   I'm very into IPNB -- taking a Master Class with Daniel Siegel right now.   We're going to get into Interpersonal Neurobiology and it's views on mental health and well being in Episode 92 of this podcast Closing Weekly emails  Special bonus podcast will be coming to you on Friday, March 25, 2022 -- the feast of the Annunciation, with an exciting announcement, this is just an extra podcast about a major effort that we are involved in at Souls and Hearts.  Dr. Gerry Crete will be joining me to discuss this with you.  So tune in then for all the new happenings at Souls and Hearts  Catholic Therapists and Grad Students --  I will be doing a free Zoom webinar at from 7:30 PM to 8:45 PM Eastern time on Saturday March 26, 2022 on Internal Family Systems and loving your neighbor  -- it's all about how understanding myself and others from an IFS perspective can help us love each other  -- any Catholic therapist or grad student in a mental health field is free to attend.  Email Patty Ellenberger, our office manager at admin@soulsandhearts.com for a registration link.   Dr. Gerry's Catholic Journeymen Community has relaunched within Souls and Hearts.  Men -- you are welcome to join a group of faithful Catholic men seeking restoration, wholeness, and integrity in areas of sexuality and relationship with God, self, and others. Catholic Journeymen is a safe space for men to share burdens, receive support, and be nourished by a distinctive program combining behavioral health science and Catholic spirituality. Check that out at soulsandhearts.com/catholic-journeymen.   Conversation Hours You are a listener to this podcast, and in that sense, you are with me.  I am also with you!  Remember, can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time for our regular conversation hours.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  Waiting list is open for The Resilient Catholics Community at Soulsandhearts.com/rcc for our June 2022  So much information there and videos.  Patron and Patroness      

Summary:  Join Dr. Peter as he explains how trauma impacts our bodies, through the lens of polyvagal theory. Through quotes, examples, questions for reflection and experiential exercises, Dr. Peter walks you through a current understanding of how large a role our bodies have in our experience of trauma.   Introduction I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist, bringing to you, my listener the best of psychology and human formation and harmonizing it with our Catholic Faith  This is the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast -- you are part of it, right here, right now and I am glad to be with you.  This podcast is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com -- we have vibrant communities, we have courses, we have podcasts, we have blogs and shows, all kinds of resources at soulsandhearts.com, check it out.   Trauma.  Last month, we began a whole series of episodes on trauma -- such an important topic Quote from trauma therapist and research Peter Levine:  “Trauma is perhaps the most avoided, ignored, belittled, denied, misunderstood, and untreated cause of human suffering.” – Peter Levine   We started with an overview of the best of the secular understandings of trauma.  In that first episode in the series, number 88, we got into the definitions of trauma and attachment injuries, and we dived into the experience of trauma -- what trauma is like.   That sets us up for today's episode, number 89 -- Your Trauma, Your Body:  Protection vs. Connection.  Today, we are getting into the body's response to trauma, really focusing in on what happens in our nervous system.  What happens in the brain, what happens in our spinal cord and our nerves and throughout our bodies We will be especially tuning into our own nervous system.    There's going to be some vocabulary here, I will help you with that. There will some big words, but I am going to walk you through the concepts and make them easier to understand.  In the past two decades we have learned so much about how trauma impacts the body -- the physiological effects of trauma  So what is physiological?  Physiology  the branch of biology that deals with the normal functions of living organisms and their parts organ systems, individual organs, cells, and right down to the level of biomolecules  The parts within us carry out the chemical, electrical and physical functions within our bodies.  Our bodies are living systems   Put simply, physiology is the study of how the human body works  Today we are looking at how trauma impacts physiology -- how trauma affects the workings of our body, especially in our nervous system.   Lots of misconceptions out there.   Old way of understanding stress -- what I learned in graduate school.  Most prominent.   You were either stressed or not stressed fight or flight or rest and digest Stress on or stress off.  No nuance, very simple way of understanding Today, we are going to do much better than that, go much deeper than that.   Review: Definition of Trauma  Integrated Listening Systems website:  Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences. from Duros and Crowley 2014:  …what happens to a person where this is either too much too soon, too much too long, or not enough for too long.   From Stephen Porges:  Trauma is a chronic disruption of connectedness.   Most clients come to therapy for one main reason.  One main, overarching reason.  They are dysregulated.  What does that mean?  They are poorly regulated.   Overwhelmed with emotion or on the other side, Emotional shutdowns, numbing out Can't control their thoughts, so distracted, intrusive thoughts, ruminations, racing thoughts, obsessions, disorientation, having a sense that their thoughts are no longer under control Impulses -- rising up Intrusive memories They are having trouble keeping it together High reactivity Mood swings Anger management issues Intense depression Feeling unreal, depersonalized, not myself, identity issues -- don't know who I am Feeling fragile, vulnerable, about to fall apart In one word, they come in to therapy because they can't manage their lives well anymore and they feel losing control and that makes them feel unsafe and scared.   Polyvagal theory -- Great discoveries in recent years about the vagus nerve.   The vagus nerve is responsible for the regulation of internal organ functions, such as digestion, heart rate, and respiratory rate, as well as vasomotor activity, and certain reflex actions, such as coughing, sneezing, swallowing, and vomiting 10th of 12 cranial nerves -- On Old Olympus Towering Top, a Finn and German Viewed Some Hops.  Memorizing the cranial nerves Longest nerve of the body, and the most complex, it branches into 11 different directions.   Responsible for slowing down all the organs from the next down to the colon.  Parasympathetic response -- slowing or shutting down.   Responsible Heart rate  Digestion  Breathing  Sweating  Motor functions for the muscles needed for swallowing and speech  Reflex actions, such as coughing, sneezing swallowing and vomiting     Polyvagal theory was developed by Stephen xPorges -- Ph.D. in psychology over the last 20 years -- writes in an academic way.   Relying heavily on the work of Deb Dana Licensed Clinical Social worker and a great writer and speaker - translates him so well Polyvagal exercises for Safety and connection -- introduction and first three chapters  Polyvagal Theory and Trauma – Deb Dana  Nearly 2 hours, on YouTube   Deb asks this question:  What would it be like for you if your body could help you feel safe and secure, much more protected  when you start feeling scared? Fundamental discovery:  Our nervous system is shaped by early experience and reshaped by ongoing experience -- there is connection between our nervous system and our experience.   Formation of connections and associations Reshaping -- changing the way our bodies respond to stress -- breaking the old patterns, fashioning new patterns deliberately Change is gradual Fleeting moments of peace --> more consistent sense of well-being, more resilience in the face of challenges, perceived threats, stress.   Very much at a body level -- not thinking -- about rewiring.  Very basic, bodily level.   Three organizing principles of polyvagal theory:  Autonomic hierarchy, Neuroception, Co-regulation  Autonomic hierarchy Autonomic Nervous System -- the part of the nervous system responsible for control of the bodily functions not consciously directed, such as breathing, the heartbeat, and digestive processes.  Critical theme here -- control of bodily functions not consciously directed.  Regulates what we don't pay attention to.   Qualities of ANS according to Deb Dana Platform for our lived experience  Internal surveillance system  Biological resource  Where our stories begin   ANS heavily involved in the ongoing weighing of two fundamental human needs -- two major objectives.   To survive -- Protection To bond relationally with others -- Connection This is the central theme of this discussion of our bodies and our traumas -- Protection and Connection.  How can we have both?   We have on the one hand a drive to survive -- cause if we don't, you know, we're dead.  On the other hand, we have this yearning to connect, to be in relationship with others  We need both -- to be protected and to be connected, but trauma puts those two indispensable needs -- protection and connection into tension.  Can't have both.   If we are experiencing trauma, our ANS automatically moves us away from seeking connection with others to a position of protection.  In the state of protection -- we are seeking only survival.  Our nervous system is closed to connection with others.  It is closed to change.  There's only one goal.  Survive.  If we don't survive, nothing else is possible.  When we are in a state of protection, it's all about one that one thing: survival.  Nothing else matters.   However, when we are in a state of connection, we have so many more possibilities Health  Growth  Restoration  Change   ANS is divided into three parts -- three pronged fork -- the whole fork is the ANS, but the three prongs are the Dorsal vagal system, the Sympathetic System and the Ventral Vagal System.   Vagal nerve is part of the parasympathetic system, so in broad terms, it slows us down.  Dorsal vagal system (back)  Earliest, most basic system.   Strategies of immobilization.  Playing dead. Very disconnected, very shut down.   Freeze response Deb Dana uses the image of a turtle hiding in its shell. Protection through disappearing   Sympathetic system (not vagal) Next to develop in evolution  Strategies of hyper-mobilization.  Fight or flight  Deb Dana:  Darting movements of a fish to escape a predator  Protection through action.   Ventral vagal system (front)  Unique to mammals -- don't see this in reptiles.   Ability to experience a felt sense of safety Through connection and social engagement Very relational Dissolution -- predictable way that things break down in us when we are overwhelmed.   Neuroimaging studies have repeatedly shown that in overwhelming situations in which we are flooded, our prefrontal cortex shuts down The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain needed for rational thought -- for planning, considering different options.   On imaging studies that look at electrical activity in the brain, when we are flooded, overwhelmed, our prefrontal cortex, which we really need for higher-order thought, shuts down.  It does dark.  It goes offline.  Not accessible.  And then other, more primitive parts of the brain take over.  These more primitive parts of the brain can't really think rationally.  But these primitive parts of our brain, when they are activated in overwhelming situations can and do react and respond.  And this feels to us very automatic, not considered.   Experience in the ventral vagal state.  -- Example here Ventral vagal system is all about connection and social engagement   Warmth, positivity, connectedness.   Wellbeing, able to accurately interpret cues for safety Social, engaged Connected internally  Connected to the world Flexibility, resilience Sense of hope Capacities Tune into the present moment  Filter out distractions   Can co-regulate Can Self-regulate Able to reach out to others and provide support and resources Engage all of our brain, including higher-order thinking Explore options Compassion for self and others Lots of possibilities for connection.   The story we have active is a good story, one with goodness and peace and joy.   Questions for reflection from Deb Dana What is it like for you when you are in the ventral vagal state -- warm toward others?  What are some of the stressful events in life or difficult relationships that might take you out of that connected, socially engaged ventral vagal state and move you toward sympathetic arousal, the fight or flight mode?      What happens when the ventral vagal system shuts down  Compromised by Feeling deeply alone -- loss of a loved one -- romantic breakup, divorce, death, but also ways that are not so obvious -- adult children not reaching out  Too many responsibilities in the day, to many things to do, the checklist has so much that is not crossed off, we start getting worked up, you can feel the tension inside rising to a fight or flight level.   Being distressed in relationship -- relational conflicts, arguments, coldness, distance.   Bring in the example When the sympathetic system is activated, we are all about survival now Familiar to us as the "Fight or Flight" mode.   Very high levels of energy in this state, adrenaline rush  Body is mobilized for action.  The Klaxons are going off, Battle stations. Not a lot of relationality when you are in fight or flight   Capacity for complex, flexible reasoning is very much reduced Can you imagine playing a good game of chess while you are in a fight or flight mode?  Running away from a tiger -- not time to digest your Power Bar.   Muscle tension in back -- muscles getting locked up.  Tight, rigid back muscles.  Not responsive to stretching doesn't work, massage, chiropractic, rollers, physical therapy -- downregulating can be so helpful.   No sense of safety.  Potential for panic  Potential for rage  Confusion  Overwhelmed  Angry  Confrontational  Ready to run   Properties You have a sense of unease and impending danger   Your body is mobilized for fight or flight -- inner Klaxons are going off, the alarms High levels of energy, endocrine system is now active, adrenaline rush,  Active aggression -- Damn the torpedos, full speed head.  -- lashing out before he even knows what he is doing…  Efforts to escape  Hypervigilance -- high alert, pupils dilating, letting more light.  Looking for and listening for danger Missing and misreading signs of safety  Sense of separation, isolation -- cut off from others, no sense of relational connection anymore  Disconnection from self, others, world, disconnected spiritually.  Therefore We can't provide safety to others in this sympathetic activation state.   We can't sustain this -- adrenaline, cortisone up all the time.  Can't take it.  Heart couldn't stand it.   Story: The world is unsafe and people are dangerous, unfriendly, scary, falling apart I am crazy, I am toxic,  Unlike simple stress, trauma changes your view of your life and yourself. It shatters your most basic assumptions about yourself and your world — “Life is good,” “I'm safe,” “People are kind,” “I can trust others,” “The future is likely to be good” — and replaces them with feelings like “The world is dangerous,” “I can't win,” “I can't trust other people,” or “There's no hope.”― Mark Goulston MD Questions for reflection from Deb Dana What does mobilization feel like for you -- when you get revved up?  Where does mobilization take you?  Into fight or flight.   When the mobilization doesn't bring a resolution to the distress -- then the ANS takes the final step, and shoots the last arrow it has in its quiver.  This is the freeze response.   Situation is so desperate, there is nothing I can do.  Collapse into "dorsal vagal lifelessness"  -- Dorsal vagal system takes over, and shut us down.   Everything goes offline, almost all the brain. Shifting into conservation mode.   Response to what seems inescapable Properties Conservation mode  Numbing out   Disconnection Dissociation, Spacing out, feeling disconnect from the present, untethered, floating, derealization Fogginess, fuzziness Collapse -- rape example Alone, lost, unreachable Invisible Loss of identity, depersonalization Safety and hope are lost Loss of consciousness altogether Lethargy -- can feel really sloggy, like you are heavily sedated Experience of being stuck, frozen.   Despondency Shame -- episode 37-49 Dark, silent, cold Could be overly calm I am a rock, I am an island -- Paul Simon -- doesn't work.  All about protection there, not connection.   Loss of abilities Can't listen.   Can't share very well, difficulty with words  Very little agency  Can't focus   Story:  A story of despair.   Message of I am unlovable, invisible, lost, alone The world is cold, empty, unhabitable.  Vincent -- Don McClean Questions for reflection from Deb Dana Is the experience of dorsal vagal shutdown familiar to you?  How does the sense of disconnection happen for you?   Review of the autonomic hierarchy -- first of three organizing principles Connection vs. Protection  Drive to survive vs. drive to bond with others.  Where is the safety? ANS is divided into three parts -- three pronged fork -- the whole fork is the ANS, but the three prongs are  Ventral Vagal System the Sympathetic System the Dorsal vagal system Second of the three organizing principles in Polyvagal Theory:  Neuroception Definition:  Detection without awareness -- we sense something but it is below the limit of what we can consciously experience.   Neuroception is the way our autonomic nervous system listens below the level of awareness -- deeply subcortical experience -- not in our rational, prefrontal cortex brain.  Reactions happen long before conscious thought.  Really important to understand that neuroception is not a conscious process.   inside our body -- to our organs Outside of us -- in our environment -- checking And between, sensing connections to others, especially others' nervous systems -- this is all about relationships.   At work all the time.  Neuroception picks up on cues, all the time Cues of safety lead us to ventral vagal activation and interpersonal connection, social engagement -- so a neuroception of safety calms, connects, and dampens the need for protection.   Cues of danger -- lead us into the sympathetic arousal, fight or flight Facial expressions  Tone of voice  Not just words.  Vocal bursts   Interpreting head movements Nodding head, welcoming.  Straight unmoving head is a cue for danger  Slight tilt is inviting, a welcome sign   Subtle cues   Cues of life-threat lead us into dorsal vagal shutdown, moving toward that collapse, that state of total numbing and disconnection.   Our neuroception is constantly scanning inside and outside -- what is the social temperature of the people in the room Friendly and inviting  Hot and bothered  Cold and calculating   Neuroception of safety is incompatible with a neuroception of danger or life-threat.     When we are in distress, when we are dysregulated We miss cues for safety  We misread neutral cues as dangerous.     Autonomic patterns and autonomic profiles can be reshaped -- we start with neuroception -- unlike a lot of therapist, which start with much higher-order thinking -- like cognitive-behavioral therapy.   Order -- Neuroception - Perception - State - Emotions - Behavior - Story.  Neuroception Perception State Emotions Behavior Story -- our Narrative What is our story?  How much of our life is about protection and how much of our life is about connection?  Dovetail here with Brown and Elliott Felt sense of safety and protection -- not enough that there be actual safety and protection -- it has to be felt, it has to be taken in.    We want to be able to edit the story.  Trauma stories are carried in states of dysregulation. Review of Neuroception: Definition:  Detection without awareness.  Sensing below conscious awareness.   In my body, outside of me in my environment, between me and my environment.   Cues of safety -- lead us to ventral vagal activation, interpersonal connection, social engagement  Cues of danger lead us to sympathetic arousal, fight or flight  Cues of life threat lead us to dorsal vagal activation, freeze response, shutting down.   Questions for personal reflection from Deb Dana'  Your neuroceptive cues What is a cue of safety inside your body --  calm and expansive -- feels like I have a big open heart.   What is a cue for danger from inside your body  What is a cue of safety for you from your environment  What is a cue for danger in your environment  What is a cue of safety between you and another person  What is a cue for danger between you and another person?  Review these for me.  What is a cue of safety inside your body --  calm and expansive -- feels like I have a big open heart, like my heart is reaching out to others.   What is a cue for danger from inside your body -- jaw clench.  Also, icewater in veins.   What is a cue of safety for you from your environment  -- I like quiet, warm, rooms with sunlight and comfortable furniture and drinking tea.   What is a cue for danger in your environment -- dogs.  Very suspicious of dogs -- days as a runner.  Semi trucks not holding the lane on the freeway. And any teenage child of mine learning to drive.   What is a cue of safety between you and another person -- genuine smile -- smiling with eyes, Duchenne smile.  Soft voices, gentle laughter.   What is a cue for danger between you and another person?  Yelling in anger, sensitive to sarcasm, especially if I perceived contempt.   Experiential exercise Going inside right now.   Protection  Connection   Co-regulation Deb Dana:  When we feel alone in the world, we suffer.  When that feeling is chronic, medical and mental health risks multiply.   Deb Dana: Our autonomic nervous system longs for connection with another system and sends signal out  into the world searching for signals in return.  Stephen Porges (2016).  Survival is dependent on opportunities to successfully co-regulate.    Co-regulation is essential for us for our well-being. In short, we need each other.  People need people.   Connection is a wired-in biological necessity Fisher (2014) Without the experience of an organizing other, the nervous system is stunned. Trauma survivors suffer from a lot of dysregulation -- unpredictable shifts inside, rapid mood swings, thoughts that seem out of control, imagery that can be terrifying and then rapidly cease, body sensations that are so intense that they overwhelm, impulses that can seem bizarre -- we covered all those symptoms of trauma in the last episode, number 88: Trauma: Defining and Understanding the Experience -- you can check that out.   Central idea:  The ability to regulate oneself is built on ongoing experiences of co-regulation Through co-regulation, we connect with others and experience a shared sense of safety.  Safety together. Safety in relationship.   We need a reliable person in our lives to help us engage in what Deb Dana calls the "rhythm of  reciprocity" and build shared experiences of safety in connection.   A safe person in a safe place Sue Johnson' “Emotional connection is crucial to healing. In fact, trauma experts overwhelmingly agree that the best predictor of the impact of any trauma is not the severity of the event, but whether we can seek and take comfort from others.”  Lilly Hope Lucario:  “I have a gaping, painful hole in my soul… where good, loving parents and a normal, safe childhood, should have been.” – Lilly Hope Lucario   Can listen.   This goes back to long before birth -- Mother and baby are sharing at an autonomic level -- nervous systems are actually connected in various ways.   Right after birth -- two births, Grace 1998 and James 2010.  Contrast in birthing practices Kangaroo care, skin-to-skin,  Positive outcomes for babies  Jeffries (2012) heart, temperature, breathing stabilization  More organized sleep  Babies depend on their caregivers, their mommies, to bring their regulated nervous systems to the connection.   Uninterrupted attunement is not necessary -- really only need about a third of the time (Ostlund and colleagues 2017) Joy, playfulness, love We are in the present.   Sense of well being.   This state of well-being is where we can offer a sense of safety to others.  Recollection.   What happens after a mismatch?  This is the key thing.     Mismatch  Inability to calm defense systems in safe environments Alarm  Hypervigilance   Inability to activate defenses in risk environments Dulled  Unaware  High risk-taking   Without it Health challenges  Distress in relationships (no safety)  Daily experience of suffering.   This is really were Daniel Siegel's interpersonal neurobiology shines.  Interpersonal neurobiology (IPNB) or relational neuroscience is an interdisciplinary approach developed to describe and explain human development and functioning. It emerged in the 1990s pioneered by Daniel J. Siegel who sought to bring together a wide range of scientific disciplines in demonstrating how the mind, brain, and relationships integrate to alter one another. Psychology  Cognitive Science  Biology  Psychiatry  Sociology  Systems theory -- chaos theory and complexity theory.   Anthropology  Computer Science  Linguistics  Mathematics  Physics    In IPNB, the mind is viewed as a process that regulates the flow of both energy and information through its neurocircuitry, which is then shared and regulated between people through engagement, connection, and communication.  Drawing on systems theory, Siegel proposed that these integrated processes within interpersonal relationships can shape the genetically programmed maturation of the nervous system.[2] Seigel thus believes that the mind has an irreducible quality which informs his approach. Interpersonal neurobiology also proposes that there is a substantial impact of interpersonal experiences on brain development during early developmental years.[3][4] Siegel assumes that disruptions to the continuity, presence, and availability of the caregiver result in attachment disorders that manifest as physical changes[5][6] in the neural structures that shape the perception of reality.[7] The claim is that this can influence one's emotional intelligence, complexity of behaviours, and flexibility of responses later in life.[5] IPNB is thereby argued to be a 'cause and effect' systematic interaction between genetic composition and social experiences influencing neurobiological and psychological functioning.[8][9]    Being with each other.  Exercise -- Informed by Deb Dana Cautions.   First Part Noticing where you are right now on the autonomic map  Name the state  Turn toward your experience  Bring curiosity and compassion to the experience  Listen to the story.   Baby in a state of sympathetic arousal Warning   Noticing what happens inside your body Moving from one state to another  Ventral Vasal -- warm, connected state Sympathetic arousal -- fight or flight Dorsal Ventral -- shutting down, freeze response Cues -- meaning, messages How might it related to your history? Toddler laughing  Noticing what happens inside your body Moving from one state to another  Ventral Vasal -- warm, connected state Sympathetic arousal -- fight or flight Dorsal Ventral -- shutting down, freeze response Cues -- meaning, messages How might it related to your history? Not judging Judge not that you not be judged.  Matthew 7:1.   1 Samuel 16:7   for the Lord sees not as man sees; man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”  So much of our internal experience is outside of the influence of our immediate will  Great mistake we make -- illusion of willpower   Future Directions -- where we will be zeroing in Thank you for being here with me  This episode was bringing to you the impact of trauma on the body through the lens of polyvagal theory  Next episode  Common treatment modalities -- EMDR and other ways of treating trauma -- that's a really important one.  How do we heal from trauma  Then we will get into an Internal Family Systems approach to trauma   Then we will bring all this groundwork on trauma together to address the spiritual dimensions of trauma Really neglected area  So important.  How trauma impacts the spiritual life.   You are a listener to this podcast, and in that sense, you are with me.  I am also with you!  Remember, can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM for our regular conversation hours.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  Sign up for the RCC waiting list.   Check out soulsandhearts.com Resources  Polyvagal Theory Explained Simply  Sukie Baxter   Polyvagal Theory and Trauma – Deb Dana  Nearly 2 hours, on YouTube  

Summary: In this episode, we gain a deeper understanding of the experience of trauma, the impact of trauma. we clarify definitions of different aspects of trauma, various categories of trauma, the immediate and delayed signs and symptoms of trauma, and the effects of trauma.  Then I share an experiential exercise with you to help you discover potential areas that might be fruitful for future exploration of your own internal experience.   Opening Dramatic Short Brief descriptions of the experience of trauma  “Outside, the sun shines. Inside, there's only darkness. The blackness is hard to describe, as it's more than symptoms. It's a nothing that becomes everything there is. And what one sees is only a fraction of the trauma inflicted.”  ― Justin Ordoñez “My current life, I realized, was constructed around an absence; for all its richness I still felt as if the floors might give way, as if its core were only a covering of leaves, and I would slip through, falling endlessly, never to get my footing.” ― Esi Edugyan, Washington Black “I wish I'd fallen softly. Light and graceful like a feather drifting slowly to the earth on a warm and dreamy summer's day. I wish that I'd landed softly too. But there is nothing soft or graceful about that devastating moment when the worst has come to pass. The unavoidable truth is that it is hard, cold and brutal. All that you know to be true and good in life shatters in an instant. You feel like a delicate pottery bowl violently tossed from your place of rest, watching yourself crash and scatter across the hostile dark earth. The sound is deafening. Time stops. Inside, the quiet ache of shock and heartbreak slowly makes its grip known. They cut deep, these jagged edges of broken sherds. You gasp for air hungrily, yet somehow forget how to breathe.”― Jodi Sky Rogers Introduction We are born into a not only a fallen world, but a traumatized world  We not only share in a fallen human condition, but a traumatized condition.   “No matter what kind of childhood we've had, nobody escapes trauma while growing up.”― Kenny Weiss The Fall goes way back, before the world was even created, to the fall of the Lucifer, the light-bearer, the morning star and his angels -- and then the fallenness entered our world through original sin, the sin of Adam and Eve, and these are the original traumas, the fall of the angels and original sin.   You and I are together in the adventure of this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am thankful to be with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.  This podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com.   Trauma.  We are just beginning a whole series of episodes on trauma.  You've been asking for this -- so many requests for us to address trauma head on.  It's such a tough topic and such an important topic, and we are taking on the tough and important topics that matter to you. Really important to understand the inner experience of trauma -- so you can recognize it in your own life and recognize it an empathetic and attuned way in others' loves.  Part of loving them.   Today, we're going to get an overview of the best of the secular understandings of trauma.  So much has changed since I entered graduate school in 1993 -- back then there was one seminal text on trauma, Judith Herman's Trauma and Recovery.  Now, especially in the last 10-15 years, there has been an upsurge of new, fresh and much better ways of understanding trauma.   Outline Impact of Trauma   Definitions of terms Definition of  trauma  Definition of Attachment injury  Definition of relational hurt  Definition of adverse experience.  Categories of Trauma  Recognizing Trauma from the Reactions, signs and symptoms.   Discuss commonly accepted effects of trauma  Go over the traumatic effects of what didn't happen, what was missing  Experiential exercise to help you identify areas of your internal experience that are impacted by trauma   Impact of Trauma From the North Dakota Department of Human Services Fact Sheet   • People who have experienced trauma are:◉ 15 times more likely to attempt suicide◉ 4 times more likely to abuse alcohol◉ 4 times more likely to develop a sexually transmitted disease ◉ 4 times more likely to inject drugs◉ 3 times more likely to use antidepressant medication◉ 3 times more likely to be absent from work◉ 3 times more likely to experience depression◉ 3 times more likely to have serious job problems◉ 2.5 times more likely to smoke◉ 2 times more likely to develop chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD)◉ 2 times more likely to have serious financial problems 16-minute TED MED talk from How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Pediatrician Nadine Burke Harris  September 2014 Definitions of Trauma Lots of confusion   Briere & Scott (2006) Principles of Trauma Therapy: people use the term trauma to refer to  either a traumatic experience or event  the resulting injury or stress,  or the longer-term impacts and consequences  American Psychological Association Website: Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. Problem in emphasizing the emotional aspects. It's much more than that  Misses the overwhelming aspect.   Does get the "response" part right.   Integrated Listening Systems website:  Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences.   DSM-5  PTSD, Acute Stress Disorder.  Not going to address those here, not worth the time. Highly criticized by many professionals for being very limited and behind the curve, not recognizing the nuances and categories of trauma responses.   Attachment Injury  Definition: Dr. Sue Johnson defines an attachment injury as “a feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.” Very relational.   Uniformed Services University Human Performance Resources sheet:  An attachment injury is an emotional wound to an intimate, interdependent relationship. It usually happens after a breach of trust—particularly in a time of need or a moment of loss or transition. Once an attachment injury occurs, it can leave one or both partners feeling betrayed or abandoned. Examples of causes of attachment injuries from John Gottman "What Makes Love Last: How to build trust and avoid betrayal" Conditional Commitment:  You or your partner are one the lookout for someone more attractive, more desirable, someone who is a better soul mate.   A Nonsexual Affair: sometimes emotional affairs - emotional connection in an exclusive relationship with someone else.   Lying: Deception, dishonesty, little white lies.   Forming a Coalition Against the Partner:  Pulling the kids in, trying to isolate the other person.  No longer collaborative.   Absenteeism or Coldness: Not prioritizing each other at a time of need -- distancing instead -- can have a devastating impact. Whether failing to support during highly stressful events or consistently missing opportunities to turn towards each other during the rigors of life, both are destructive.  Withdrawal of Sexual Interest: This can really be wounding.  Sometimes one spouse is ok with this and the other is not.   Disrespect:  quote by John Gottman… “A loving relationship is not about one person having the upper hand – it's about holding hands.” This includes refusing to acknowledge hurting your partner and a lack of willingness to apologize to your partner.  Unfairness: Dishonesty. Lack of balance in housework, lack of collaboration on finances.   Selfishness: When one partner lives mostly in a self-focused way; behaviors driven by self-absorption can be very wearing on relationship.  Breaking Promises:  Repeated disappointments around broken or unfulfilled promises results in disillusionment and undercuts trust between the spouses. The one breaking promises can unwittingly communicate the message, “You don't matter.”   Additional examples from Lana Isaacson abuse (emotional- gaslighting, power and control, economic, verbal, physical, or sexual),  refusal to forgive or accept partner or let go of resentments (includes excessive criticism, moving out of your home and refusing to return, etc.) after your partner has done significant personal and relational growth work and demonstrating change. Relational Hurts  - Lori Epting at GoodTherapy.org Relational Hurt or Attachment Injury? How to Tell the Difference April 5, 2018  Painful experiences in an attachment relationship inflicted by the other person, but that don't lead to rupture of the relationship Still a sense of love and connection between the people  Still trust and mutuality.   Still a capacity for the couple to move forward  Does the other spouse still love and care for you?  Answer:  Yes.   Examples: forgotten anniversaries, insults, or intense arguments.     Adverse Experiences:  Adverse Childhood Experiences Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) cover a wide range of difficult situations that children either directly face or witness while growing up, before they have developed effective coping skills. ACEs can disrupt the normal course of development and the emotional injury can last long into adulthood. The loss of a parent; neglect; emotional, physical, or sexual abuse; and divorce are among the most common types of Adverse Childhood Experiences.   Prevalence of Adverse Childhood Experiences:  Mental Health Connection of Tarrant County fact sheet -- with studies documenting each statistics.   Four of every 10 children in American say they experienced a physical assault during the past year, with one in 10 receiving an assault-related injury. (2) 2% of all children experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse during the past year, with the rate at nearly 11% for girls aged 14 to 17. (2) Nearly 14% of children repeatedly experienced maltreatment by a caregiver, including nearly 4% who experienced physical abuse. (2) 1 in 4 children was the victim of robbery, vandalism or theft during the previous year. (2) More than 13% of children reported being physically bullied, while more than 1 in 3 said they had been emotionally bullied. (2) 1 in 5 children witnessed violence in their family or the neighborhood during the previous year. (2) In one year, 39% of children between the ages of 12 and 17 reported witnessing violence, 17% reported being a victim of physical assault and 8% reported being the victim of sexual assault. (3) More than 60% of youth age 17 and younger have been exposed to crime, violence and abuse either directly or indirectly. (4 More than 10% of youth age 17 and younger reported five or more exposures to violence. (4) About 10% of children suffered from child maltreatment, were injured in an assault, or witnessed a family member assault another family member. (4) About 25% of youth age 17 and younger were victims of robbery or witnessed a violent act. (4) Nearly half of children and adolescents were assaulted at least once in the past year. (4) Among 536 elementary and middle school children surveyed in an inner city community, 30% had witnessed a stabbing and 26% had witnessed a shooting. (5) Young children exposed to five or more significant adverse experiences in the first three years of childhood face a 76% likelihood of having one or more delays in their language, emotional or brain development. (6) As the number of traumatic events experienced during childhood increases, the risk for the following health problems in adulthood increases: depression; alcoholism; drug abuse; suicide attempts; heart and liver diseases; pregnancy problems; high stress; uncontrollable anger; and family, financial, and job problems. (6) According to the Centers for Disease Control -- root causes of many chronic diseases, most mental illnesses, and most violence.       Physical abuse    Sexual abuse    Verbal abuse    Physical neglect    Emotional neglect    A family member who is depressed or diagnosed with other mental illness    A family member who is addicted to alcohol or another substance    A family member who is in prison    Witnessing a mother being abused    Losing a parent to separation, divorce or death 61% of adults across 25 states experienced oat least one ACE --  Nearly one in six American adults experienced four or more.   Lead to increases in adulthood -- years down the road.   Physical injuries TBI  Fractures  Burns   Mental Health problems Depression  Anxiety  Suicide  PTSD   Maternal Health Unintended pregnancy  Complications in pregnancy  Miscarriage   Infectious Disease HIV  STDs   Chronic disease Cancer  Diabetes   Risky Behaviors Alcohol and Drug abuse  Sexual acting out   Loss of opportunities Education  Occupation  Income   Categories of Trauma Acute vs. Chronic, Causes:  Natural vs. Human, Big T trauma vs. little t trauma, Secondary Trauma, Acknowledged vs. Unacknowledged.   Acute vs. Chronic vs. Complex Trauma Acute Trauma: Psychology Today article Acute trauma reflects intense distress in the immediate aftermath of a one-time event and the reaction is of short duration. Common examples include a car crash, physical or sexual assault, or the sudden death of a loved one.  Chronic Trauma:   can arise from harmful events that are repeated or prolonged. It can develop in response to persistent bullying, neglect, abuse (emotional, physical, or sexual), and domestic violence.  Complex Trauma: can arise from experiencing repeated or multiple traumatic events from which there is no possibility of escape. The sense of being trapped is a feature of the experience. Like other types of trauma, it can undermine a sense of safety in the world and beget hypervigilance, constant (and exhausting!) monitoring of the environment for the possibility of threat.  Big T trauma vs. little t trauma  Trauma here is used to describe the adverse experience Big T Trauma -- Big T Trauma is a reaction to a deeply disturbing, life-threatening event or situation  Powerlessness or helplessness is also a key factor of large ‘T' traumas, Examples of Big T Trauma Violent crime  natural disaster  terrorist attack  sexual assault  Combat  a car or plane accident  Death of a parent for a child   Little T Trauma: Little 't' traumas are described as smaller, more personal distressing events that disrupt our functioning and compromise our capacity to cope. These distressing events are not inherently life or bodily-integrity threatening,Examples of Little T Trauma Interpersonal conflict  Infidelity  Conflict with a boss  Job change  Geographic relocation -- moving to a new part of the country  Romantic breakup  Abrupt or extended relocation  Death of a Pet  Legal trouble  Financial worries or difficulty   Problems -- these describe the event -- as though the event measures the experience.  Not so.  Originally had some support and still do, because of the emphasis on the importance of less obvious events.     Natural vs. Human Causes  Naturally Caused (so called "Acts of God") Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Separated into the four elements Earth, Water, Air and Fire   Earth Earthquakes  Landslides  fallen boulders  Meteorites   Water Floods  Tsunamis  Avalanches  Blizzards   Air Tornadoes  Cyclones  Typhoons  Hurricanes  dust storms  fallen trees   Fire volcanic eruptions  Lightning Strikes  Wildfires   Health physical ailments or diseases  Epidemics  Famines   Human Caused -- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) is the agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services  Accidental Acts Train derailment, roofing fall, structural collapse, mountaineering accident, aircraft crash, car accident due to malfunction, mine collapse or fire, radiation leak, crane collapse, gas explosion, electrocution, machinery-related accident, oil spill, maritime accident, accidental gun shooting, and sports-related death.   Intentional Acts arson, terrorism, sexual assault and abuse,(see three episode IIC series on Rape, Incest, Shame and Silence, episodes 40, 43,and 44) homicides or suicides, mob violence or rioting, physical abuse and neglect, stabbing or shooting, warfare, domestic violence, poisoned water supply, human trafficking, school violence, torture, home invasion, bank robbery, genocide, and medical or food tampering, harassment, street violence, and bullying   Actions vs. Omissions e.g. abuse vs. neglect   Secondary Trauma:  Psychology Today Article:  Secondary or vicarious trauma arises from exposure to other people's suffering and can strike those in professions that are called on to respond to injury and mayhem, notably physicians, first responders, and law enforcement. Over time, such individuals are at risk for compassion fatigue, whereby they avoid investing emotionally in other people in an attempt to protect themselves from experiencing distress. Acknowledged vs. unacknowledged trauma Frame of reference -- that just how it was  Defining trauma away -- Just because my Dad was a raging unemployed alcoholic and Mom was stressed out with her job and all the housework and we struggled financially and my parents fought all the time, that wasn't trauma, that was just normal.  I never was hit or nothing.   Not like my classmate Billy.  Billy suffered trauma.  His Dad used to hit him with a golf club and he came to school with bruises.  Now that's trauma.  Or the kids that were sexually abused.  That never happened to me.  I just had a rough childhood, but I've moved on, it's all in the past.   Recognizing Trauma from the Signs and Symptoms  -- So important.   Drawing from many sources here, but Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Trauma-Informed Care in Behavioral Health Services. HHS Publication No. (SMA) 13-4801 2014.   Chapter 3 of Understanding the Impact of Trauma  Emotional & psychological Symptoms of Trauma:  Immediate  Emotional overwhelm Characteristic of trauma   Shock  Denial, disbelief  Feeling disconnected or numb or detached  Anxiety or severe fear, even panic attacks  Guilt -- including survivor guilt  Anger, rage  Sadness  Helplessness  Mood swings -- exhilaration about surviving then survivor guilt  Emotional Constriction, Shutdown   Delayed Emotional Signs Irritability, hostility, edginess  Depression  Mood swings  Anxiety  Phobia Generalized anxiety Fears of trauma happening again  Grief  Shame  Feeling very fragile, vulnerable  Emotional detachment, disconnection -- in relationships  Hopelessness, despair  Anhedonia -- inability to enjoy anything  Difficulty experiencing positive emotions     Cognitive Symptoms of Trauma  Immediate Cognitive Reactions Disorientation  Difficulty concentrating  Ruminating, obsessing  Racing thoughts  Intrusive thoughts -- e.g. Replaying the traumatic event over and over again  Visualizations of the event.   Time Distortion  Space Distortion  Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger   New sensitivity to loud noises, smells, or other things around you  Memory problems -- unable to remember the event  Feeling out of control  Feeling unreal, depersonalized, not yourself, like you are watching someone else. Depersonalization: Persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, and as if one were an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body (e.g., feeling as though one were in a dream; feeling a sense of unreality of self or body or of time moving slowly).  Derealization: Persistent or recurrent experiences of unreality of surroundings (e.g., the world around the individual is experienced as unreal, dreamlike, distant, or distorted).  Delayed Cognitive Signs  Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, body, from memories or sense of identity. This disconnection is automatic and completely out of the person's control.x Amnesia: Often described as "gaps" in memory that can range from minutes to years  Depersonalization: Feeling disconnected from your body or thoughts  Derealization: Feeling disconnected from the world around you  Identity alteration: The sense of being markedly different from another part of yourself  Identity confusion: A sense of confusion about who you really are   we will have a lot more to say about dissociation in future episodes, but for now -- disconnection.   Alexithymia the inability to recognize or describe one's own emotions. -- Can't put my feelings into words.  The experience of trauma can initially defy speech.   “People who suffer from alexithymia tend to feel physically uncomfortable but cannot describe exactly what the problem is. As a result they often have multiple vague and distressing physical complaints that doctors can't diagnose. In addition, they can't figure out for themselves what they're really feeling about any given situation or what makes them feel better or worse. This is the result of numbing, which keeps them from anticipating and responding to the ordinary demands of their bodies in quiet, mindful ways. If you are not aware of what your body needs, you can't take care of it. If you don't feel hunger, you can't nourish yourself. If you mistake anxiety for hunger, you may eat too much. And if you can't feel when you're satiated, you'll keep eating.”  ― Bessel A. van der Kolk  Intrusive memories -- keep coming and coming Reactivation of previous traumatic events -- those from before the most recent trauma Nightmares Confusion, distractions Highly critical of self -- blaming the self, what I could have done better Preoccupation with the event -- all I can think about Denial of the event  “The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma.” ― Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror  Difficulty with decision making Magical thinking that certain behaviors (including avoidance) will protect me against future harm Suicidal ideation, fantasies Physical symptoms:  Quotes “Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves.” (p.97)” ― Bessel A. van der Kolk,    Immediate physical reactions Nausea, gastrointestinal distress  Sweating, shivering  Fainting  Muscle tremors, uncontrollable shaking  Racing heart, fast breathing, elevated blood pressure  Physical agitation  Extreme fatigue, exhaustion  Exaggerated startle responses  Headaches  Ringing in the ears   Delayed Physical symptoms Sleep disturbances, insomnia  Aches, pains, somatization of psychological distress  Appetite change  Difficult with digestion  Persistent fatigue  Elevated cortisol levels  Hyperarousal  Chronic muscle tension  Long-term health problems -- heart, liver, adrenal glands, autoimmune problems, COPD   Behavioral Symptoms:  Immediate Behavioral Reactions Exaggerated startle responses  Restlessness  Argumentative behavior  Increased use of alcohol, drugs, and tobacco  Social withdrawal and relational apathy  Avoidant behaviors   Delayed Behavioral symptoms Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the even  Social relationship disturbances  Decreased activity level  Engagement in high-risk behaviors  Increased use of alcohol and drugs  Impulse control problems  Social withdrawal, which can lead to isolation   “Over time as most people fail the survivor's exacting test of trustworthiness, she tends to withdraw from relationships. The isolation of the survivor thus persists even after she is free.” ― Judith Lewis Herman Difficulty maintaining close relationships Sexual dysfunction Existential Symptoms  Immediate Existential Reactions Intense use of prayer  Restoration of faith in the goodness of others (e.g., receiving help from others)  Loss of self-efficacy   Despair about humanity, particularly if the event was intentional  Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world   Immediate disruption of life assumptions (e.g., fairness, safety, goodness, predictability of life)     Delayed Existential Reactions Feeling as though one is permanently damaged  Questioning (e.g., “Why me?”)   Increased cynicism, disillusionment, about the future, about humankind “Unlike simple stress, trauma changes your view of your life and yourself. It shatters your most basic assumptions about yourself and your world — “Life is good,” “I'm safe,” “People are kind,” “I can trust others,” “The future is likely to be good” — and replaces them with feelings like “The world is dangerous,” “I can't win,” “I can't trust other people,” or “There's no hope.”  ― Mark Goulston MD, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder For Dummies     Increased self-confidence (e.g., “If I can survive this, I can survive anything”) Loss of purpose Renewed faith Hopelessness Reestablishing priorities Redefining meaning and importance of life Reworking life's assumptions to accommodate the trauma (e.g., taking a self-defense class to reestablish a sense of safety) Effects of Trauma -- Going beyond the surface level, what is more readily observable in self or others suffering from trauma  Going into survival mode  Necessity of coming out of this alive.  Very primitive, basic responses.  Drive to survive. “We don't learn things that help us to thrive when we are in survival mode. It's only when we are in sensual mode that we do.” ― Lebo Grand   Many, many people live chronically in  Increasing fragmentation -- decreasing integration Overwhelming intensity of experience.  Overwhelming Grief -- episodes 81-83 Integration much more difficult, even impossible in the current conditions  We need disconnects -- we need to not know that if A=B and B=C, then A=C, because A=C is too threatening for us Example of little girl with a sexually abusive father -- can't come to the full implications of that without being overwhelmed.  Loss of a sense of time “When something reminds traumatized people of the past, their right brain reacts as if the traumatic event were happening in the present. But because their left brain is not working very well, they may not be aware that they are re-experiencing and reenacting the past - they are just furious, terrified, enraged, ashamed, or frozen.”  ― Bessel Van Der Kolk  Identity issues  Who am I? “I felt as though everything inside me had been obliterated.   However much I tried, however much I wanted to go back to being who I was before, it was impossible--all that was left was an empty husk of my former self.” ― Shiori Itō, Black Box Shame (episodes 37-49) Trauma generates and activates and exacerbates and perpetuates shame.   Generates Shame “Shame is internalized when one is abandoned. Abandonment is the precise term to describe how one loses one's authentic self and ceases to exist psychologically.”  ― John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You  Genesis 3   Activates Shame Preexisting, unresolved shame can come up.  A plausible explanation for why the adverse event happened or is happening.   Deep sense of not being loved, not being lovable -- often denied, because it's so painful.   “...one of the hardest things to admit is that we weren't loved when we needed it most. It's a terrible feeling, the pain of not being loved.” She was right. I had been groping for the right words to express that murky feeling of betrayal inside, the horrible hollow ache, and to hear Ruth say it—“the pain of not being loved”—I saw how it pervaded my entire consciousness and was at once the story of my past, present, and future.” ― Alex Michaelides  Decreased capacity for relationships Decreasing vulnerability within the self or with others  Out of touch with so much of ourselves.   Lack of Trust “The words "I love you," used to be enough for me. They used to mean the world to me, today they don't mean shit. Oh you love me? Really? Why? How? When did it start? Why? Give me reasons, show me behaviors that PROVE you love me, or get the fuck out of my way. I am not interested in diamonds and platitudes, I want to know that I GENUINELY matter to you, because I don't have time to waste on pretty lies that are ugly beneath the surface.”  ― Devon J Hall  Desperation Can lead to suicidal impulses.  Episodes 76-80.  Spiritual Effects God image issues -- episodes 23-29.   Unconscious and conscious  Problem of evil.   What didn't happen  Attunement  - Daniel Brown and David Elliott Feeling safe and protected afterward    Feeling seen, heard, known, and understood -- someone else making sense of the adverse experience “Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.”  ― Danielle Bernock, “To survive trauma one must be able to tell a story about it.” ― Natasha Trethewey, Memorial Drive: A Daughter's Memoir   Feeling comforted, soothed, calmed, reassured “Feeling listened to and understood changes our physiology. Being able to articulate a complex feeling and having our feelings recognised lights up our Limbic brain, and creates an ‘ah-ha' moment. In contrast, being met by silence and incomprehension kills the spirit.” ― Bessel van der Kolk     Feeling cherished, treasured, loved, delighted in Feeling that someone had my best interests in mind.   Experiential Exercise -- No-Go Zones.  Not therapy Pencil or pen and paper -- some way to record -- could be your phone.   Safety issues Zone of tolerance  If this doesn't suit you, don't do it.   Can stop at any time.  Take what is helpful to you.  No driving, can stop the recording until you're in a good place for it.   Asking that no part of you overwhelm you.   Not going to open up any traumatic place.  We are focused on delineating where those places are within you.   Going to the lowest place within us.   Really slowing it down Notice what is going on inside you right now.  Can you be curious Can you have a big open heart Can you accept what you find if it's not overwhelming Can you be receptive to new ways of understanding yourself.   Notice the reactions Body Sensations  Emotions  Visual Images  Memories  Inner voice  Thoughts or Beliefs or Assumptions  Impulses  Desires  Fantasies   Any concerns about this so far?  Is it OK?  If not discontinue.  Not the time.  If it's OK, then continue.   Word list -- noticing the reactions to 30 words -- write down any words that you notice reactions to and the reactions if you wish -- body sensations, especially, but also the rest of the list.  Again, we're not trying to explore any areas of trauma, but if you parts are willing, to understand a bit more about your internal world, your inner experience.   School Love Body Not being seen or heard Playground Loneliness Arguing Sickness Alcohol, Drugs Fear Safety Chaos Sex Escape Mom Help Shame Protection Pain Distress Trust Dad Wound Abandonment Abuse Sadness Nothing Guilt Anger Survival Any other words or images or thoughts or anything else in your experience.   Gratitude.     Future Directions -- where we will be zeroing in This episode was bringing to you the conventional secular understandings of trauma.  But there are two area in the secular conceptualizations of trauma that really warrant much deeper exploration.   Physiological or bodily response to trauma -- that's the next episode, episode 89  Not just about memories -- not just about psychology  Trauma involves the whole person. Trauma victims cannot recover until they become familiar with and befriend the sensations in their bodies. Being frightened means that you live in a body that is always on guard. Angry people live in angry bodies. The bodies of child-abuse victims are tense and defensive until they find a way to relax and feel safe. In order to change, people need to become aware of their sensations and the way that their bodies interact with the world around them. Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past. Bessel Van der Kolk   So much happens in our bodies with trauma -- and so much of that is beyond our capacity to control by sheer willpower in the moment.  “PTSD is a whole-body tragedy, an integral human event of enormous proportions with massive repercussions.”  ― Susan Pease Banitt The Body Keeps the Score -- by Bessel Van der Kolk Polyvagal theory -- Steven Porges.  Recovery “We cannot outrun our past trauma. We can't bury it and think that we will be fine. We cannot skip the essential stage of processing, accepting, and doing the hard, yet necessary trauma recovery work. There's a body-mind connection. Trauma can manifest itself into chronic physical pain, cancer, inflammation, auto-immune conditions, depression, anxiety, PTSD, Complex PTSD, addictions, and ongoing medical conditions.”  ― Dana Arcuri   Common treatment modalities -- EMDR and other ways of treating trauma Then we will get into an Internal Family Systems approach to trauma -- episode 90 Then we will bring all this groundwork on trauma together to address the spiritual dimensions of trauma Really neglected area  So important.  How trauma impacts the spiritual life.     You are a listener to this podcast, and in that sense, you are with me.  I am also with you!  Remember, can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM for our regular conversation hours.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  Time is running out -- opportunity available only until January 15. The Resilient Catholics Community at Soulsandhearts.com/rcc.  So much information there and videos.   How did you respond to that experiential exercise?  What did you learn?  Was that interesting to you?  Can you see the potential for doing more of that kind of work?  I want to invite you to the Resilient Catholics Community  The Why of the RCC --  It's all about loving with your whole heart -- all of your being.  Getting over all the natural level issues that hold you back from tolerating being loved and from loving God and others.  It's all about your human formation, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded in our Catholic Faith.   If you really are into this podcast, if these ways of conceptualizing the human person and integration and human formation and resilience are appealing to you, then the Resilient Catholics community, the RCC may be for you.   What of the RCC $99 nonrefundable registration fee gets you The Initial Measures Kit -- which generates a 5 page report, all about your parts  Weekly premium Inner Connections podcast, just for RCC community members --Lots of experiential exercises.   A complete course for working on your human formation 44 weekly sessions over the course of a year for $99 per month subscription  Check it out -- discernment Process   The When of the RCC We open twice per year, next time will be in June 2022, --we've extended the enrollment as far as we can, until January 15.  We are open now.  Soulsandhearts.com/rcc to register.  Call me with questions!    317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  So sign up Soulsandhearts.com/rcc. Waitlist if you get this after January 15.     

Summary: In this episode, we explore the conventional secular and the traditional spiritual ways of understanding scrupulosity, bringing in the experts to define scrupulosity, tells us the signs of being scrupulous, speculate on the causes of the trouble, discuss that standard remedies in the secular and spiritual realms.  Then I share with you my views on it, looking at scrupulosity through an Internal Family Systems lens, grounded in a Catholic worldview.   We discuss how parts have different God images and the role of shame and anger in the experience of scrupulosity.    Description of Scrupulosity Suddenly my stomach tightens up, there's a choking in my throat, and my torture begins. The bad thoughts come. . . . I want to drive them out, but they keep coming back. . . . It is terrible to be in a struggle like this! To have a head that goes around and around without my being able to stop it; to be a madman and still quite rational, for all that. . . . I am double. . . . at the very time that I am trying to plan what I want to do, another unwanted thought is in my mind. . . . Distracting me and always hindering me from doing what I want to do.  --  Quoted in Albert Barbaste, “Scrupulosity and the Present Data of Psychiatry,” TheologyDigest, 1.3 (Autumn 1953) 182. Fr. William Doyle: Around 1900  “My confessions were bad. My confessor does not understand me, he is mistaken in me, not believing that I could be so wicked. I have never had contrition. I am constantly committing sins against faith, against purity. I blaspheme interiorly. I rashly judge, even priests. The oftener I receive Holy Communion, the worse I become,”  Around 1900 My story just turned 19 -- terrible bout of scrupulosity.   Around sexuality Just started dating the first woman I might consider marrying Physical touching -- romantic contact How far was too far? Thoughts of sex with her -- plagued me.   Do I break up with her?  How do I handle this?  What was sinful, what was not?  Was I on the road to hell?  Was I putting her on the road to hell?  I thought I was going crazy.   Review: I encourage you to review the last episode, number 86 -- Obsessions, Compulsions, OCD and IFS That episode went deep into obsessions and compulsions and  serves as a basis for today's episode.   Today's episode, number 87 is entitled Scrupulosity:  When OCD Gets Religion and it's released on December 6, 2021, St. Nick's Day.  I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.   We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com Overview Start out with definitions of scrupulosity both from spiritual and secular sources, really want to wrap our minds around what scrupulosity is and the different types of scrupulosity. We will discuss the connection between scrupulosity and OCD -- discussion of OCD  We will then move to the signs of scrupulosity -- how can you tell when there is scrupulosity?  Then we will get into the internal experience of scrupulosity.  What is it like to experience intense scruples?  Had a taste in the intro, but we will get much more into that.   We will discuss what religious and secular experts have to say about the causes of scrupulosity  Then what religious and secular experts have to say about the treatment of scrupulosity -- that most recommended therapy approach and the medications typically prescribed.   After we've discussed the conventional secular and spiritual approaches to treating scrupulosity, I will how I think about scrupulosity, the root causes of scrupulosity, and how scrupulosity develops and how it can be treated.  I will give you an alternative view, grounded in a Catholic understanding of the human person and informed by Internal Family Systems thinking.   Definitions:  You know how important definitions are to me.  We really want to make sure we understand what we are talking about.   Scruple comes from the Latin word  scrupulum,  "small, sharp stone" -- like walking with a stone in your shoe. Ancient Roman weight of 1/24 of an ounce or 1.3 grams.     Something tiny, but that can cause a lot of discomfort.   Definitions from Spiritual Sources Fr. William Doyle, SJ.  Scruples and their Treatment  1897: Scrupulosity, in general, is an ill-founded fear of committing sin.  Fr. Hugh O'Donnell:   Scrupulosity may be defined as a habitual state of mind that, because of an unreasonable fear of sin, inclines a person to judge certain thoughts or actions sinful when they aren't or that they are more gravely wrong than they really are… Scrupulosity involves an emotional condition that interferes with the proper working of the mind and produces a judgement not in accordance with object truth, but with the emotion of fear.  Fr. James Jackson, article "On Scrupulosity"  A very good definition Scrupulosity is an emotional condition, an ultra-sensitivity to sin, which produces excessive anxiety and fear from the thought of eternal damnation…This condition is a religious, moral and psychological state of anxiety, fear and indecision. It is coupled with extreme guilt, depression and fear of punishment from God. However, each person who suffers from it does so uniquely. Fr. Marc Foley:  The Context of Holiness: Psychological and Spiritual Reflections on the Life of St. Therese of Lisieux Excellent, very psychologically informed study of the Little Flower  Not only the best psychological profile of St. Therese of Lisieux, but the best psychobiography of any saint from any author I've read.  A very in-depth look at her mother, St. Zelie as well and the limitations and lack of attunement in the Martin family  Highly recommended reading -- all of chapter 12 is on The Little Flower's scrupulosity.   Scrupulosity is an extremely painful anxiety disorder. It consists of annoying fear that one is offended God or could offend God at any moment and that God will cast her into hell. To protect yourself from eternal damnation, the scrupulous person dissects every thought, motive, and action in order to ascertain if she has send. And since she is deathly afraid that she might have sent, the scrupulous person seeks absolute certitude that she hasn't send in order to assuage her fears.   Definitions from Secular Sources Timothy Sisemore, Catherine Barton, Mary Keeley From Richmont Graduate University   Scrupulosity is a "sin phobia."  Jaimie Eckert, Scrupulosity Coach:  Scrupulosity is where faith and OCD collide.   International OCD Foundation Fact Sheet:  What is Scrupulosity?  By C. Alec Pollard:  A form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) involving religious or moral obsessions. Scrupulous individuals are overly concerned that something they thought or did might be a sin or other violation of religious or moral doctrine.   Bridging the Secular and the Spiritual Joseph W. Ciarrocchi's The Doubting Disease: Help for Scrupulosity and Religious Compulsions -- published in 1995, and still the most cited text in Catholic circles, even more than a quarter century later.   Dr. Ciarrocchi, a former Catholic priest, trained as a clinical psychologist and served as professor and chairman of pastoral counseling at Loyola University in Maryland prior to his death in 2010. Scrupulosity refers to seeing sin where there is none.   He viewed scrupulosity as a sub-set of obsessive- compulsive disorder (OCD), basically a kind of “religious OCD.”  He distinguishes  developmental scrupulosity  self-limited form of scrupulosity  often occurring in adolescents  or shortly after a conversion experience (e.g. St. Ignatius of Loyola)  Temporary, usually disappears.   emotional scrupulosity -- symptoms of OCD More enduring conditions  Can vary in intensity over time, from being overwhelming to just mildly irritating  Can last for years.    Core experience of scrupulosity:  "an intrusive idea, often associated with a sinful impulse, which the person abhors but cannot shake."  "The French label the emotional condition which is sometimes part of scrupulosity "the doubting disease."  Signs of Scrupulosity What do we see.  A lot we don't see.  Fr. Thomas Santa, past director of Scrupulous Anonymous and Author of the book Understanding Scrupulosity When people struggle with the scrupulous disorder, most of the suffering, fear, and anxiety they experience happens in isolation. Scrupulosity is mostly an interior struggle, seldom manifesting itself with easily identifiable or observable mannerisms or behaviors. You can't tell if people are scrupulous by looking at them. While some compulsions of obsessive-compulsive disorder are identifiable, most of the suffering associated with the disorder is personal. Only the sufferer fully knows its debilitating nature.   Sources IOCDF Fact Sheet  Jaimie Eckert Scrupulosity Coach  The Gateway institute website  Doubting Disease 1995 by Joseph Ciarrocchi   Obsessions -- excessive concerns about Fears of Blaspheming, accusing God of being negligent or abusive or evil, cursing God  Fears of Sacrilege, abusing our Lord in the Eucharist for example  Fears about impulses -- taking one's clothes off in Church, screaming obscenities during Mass Example of the man concerned about touching his infant daughter's genitals  Sexual thoughts about a romantic partner  Sexual thoughts or images about a religious figure -- Jesus, Mary, a saint, or possibly a priest or religious.   Fears around harming others  I might cause the death of someone if I sneeze or cough during Mass --  I coughed.  Maybe I'm sick.  Maybe I have COVID.  Maybe I'm a spreader.  A pharmacist worries she will fill prescriptions incorrectly and poison customers at her pharmacy.   Fears around aggression -- Driver goes over a bump in the Church parking lot in the dark after the parish council meeting.  Is concerned he may have run over the pastor.   Cooperating in the sins of others "Man participates in a discussion about a historical figure dead for more than 1000 years, who is alleged to have been a homosexual.  He worries that he has committed the sin of detraction." -- Example from Joseph Ciarrocchi.   Being a sinful person, dishonest, lacking integrity -- honesty  Ruminating about past mistakes, errors, past sins  Purity -- looking for moral perfection  Not Loving Others enough -- Mother worrying she doesn't love her children enough.  Going to hell  Death  A loss of impulse control   Cyclical Doubts Often about salvation, selling your soul to the devil, in mortal sin   Intrusive thoughts and images 666, Satan, Hell, pornographic images, etc.   Compulsions  Behavioral Compulsions Excessive trips to confession  Repeatedly seeking reassurance from religious leaders and loved ones  Repeated cleansing and purifying rituals  Acts of self-sacrifice  Repetitive religious behaviors  Avoiding situations (for example, religious services) in which they believe a religious or moral error would be especially likely or cause something bad to happen  Avoiding certain objects or locations because of fears they may be sinful   Mental Compulsions Excessive praying (sometimes with an emphasis on the prayer needing to be  perfect)  I compulsions about praying.  Tithing prayer.  1.6 hours vs. 2.4 hours.   Needing to pray perfectly or at least adequately enough.   Repeatedly imagining sacred images or phrases Repeating passages from sacred scriptures in one's head Making pacts with God to avoid hell or buy time or just to get a little relief in the present moment.   Intense sense of guilt-- feeling guilty all the time -- about things that don't carry moral weight.    Inflated sense of responsibility Not distinguishing between thoughts and actions.   Example: Joseph Ciarrocchi The Smith family traditionally joins hands around the dinner table to give thanks in prayer before the meal. Susie, age 4, and Billy, age 6 sometimes are fidgety (and always hungry). Mrs. Smith worries that Susie, Billy, and perhaps herself haven't not “truly prayed” due to the multiple distractions: Susie is scratching her mosquito bite, Billy is leering at the chocolate pudding, and Mrs. Smith remembers she has a school board meeting after dinner. She doubts that their prayers were “heard,” and so request of the family repeat their prayers. Sometimes she makes the whole family repeat them, and sometimes only the children. Once the children needed to repeat them four times, even the Mr. Smith tried to intervene after the second time. Mrs. Smith sought advice from her pastor who urged her not to repeat the prayers, either for herself or the children. When she attempts to follow this advice, however, her entire meal is ruined as she attempts to sort out in her head whether this is acceptable to God. She will continue to worry about it throughout the rest of the evening, including her school board meeting.   Distinguishing Scrupulosity of normal religious practice IOCDF Fact Sheet:  Unlike normal religious practice, scrupulous behavior usually exceeds or disregards religious law and may focus excessively on one trivial area of religious practice while other, more important areas may be completely ignored. The behavior of scrupulous individuals is typically inconsistent with that of the rest of the faith community.     Internal Experience of Scrupulosity  Plutarch: a first century priest for the Greek god Apollo at the Temple at Delphi. He wrote about the so-called “superstitious” man, who… And so is the soul of the superstitious man. He turns pale under his crown of flowers, is terrified while he sacrifices, prays with a faltering voice, scatters incense with trembling hands, and all in all proves how mistaken was the saying of Pythagoras that we are at our best when approaching the gods. For that is the time when the superstitious are most miserable and most woebegone....   OCD Center of Los Angeles:  One of the first documented references to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) was in a 1691 sermon by Anglican Bishop John Moore of Norwich in which he discussed men and women who were overwhelmed with unwanted thoughts, and tormented by feelings of guilt and shame over what he described as “religious melancholy.” Priests had started to notice that some churchgoers were attending confession several times a day, and repeatedly confessing to the same sins and shortcomings that they feared would result in divine judgment and eternal damnation. Their penance and absolution would provide only a fleeting glimpse of peace, and then their fears would come roaring back. William Van Ornum, A Thousand frightening fantasies: understanding and human scrupulosity in obsessive-compulsive disorder 1997 24-year-old computer programmer writes, “what worries me is that at any moment and in only a few seconds I can commit serious sin. The only remedy is confession. I worry about what I've done until I confess it; then it's all over. The problem is that I fall or worry again and need to go back.” Fr. Thomas Santa:   Being possessed by a thousand frightening fantasies Constructing a spider web in the mind. People with the disorder often feel as if they are isolated in darkness. They describe this feeling as a “cloud” that perpetually engulfs them. They feel the disorder constantly and uncomfortably, even in the background of day-to-day living.  Scrupulosity demands constant attention and can feel like a severe and unrelenting master. At best, most people who suffer with the disorder have learned to live with it. They hope it does not get more pronounced or spill into other areas of life. Relief does not exist, so any promises of relief through activities like rituals are essentially dead ends. For those who are religious, consistent spiritual practices can help and at the same time be debilitating. From Joseph Ciarrocchi's Book "Doubting Disease Bob is 28-year-old married Jewish man who works for an accounting firm. He is thrilled with the birth of his first child, a bubbly infant girl. Bob is about to be totally involved with her as a parent and share in all aspects of childcare. He was shocked by the following experience: Bob was changing his daughter's diaper when the thought, idea, or image (he wasn't quite sure which close parentheses flashed through his mind – “Touch her private parts.” The first time it happened he shuddered, tried to dismiss the idea, and hurriedly completed diapering her. All they tried not to think about it. The next time he changed her diaper, however, the idea came back, but this time in the form of a graphic picture of Bob engaging in the dreaded behavior. This time he felt nausea, became dizzy, and called his wife to finish, saying he thought he was ill and would pass out. The idea began to torment Bob. He found himself not wanting to be alone with his daughter, Les T “give in” to the simples. He refused to bathe her or change her diaper. Sensing something was drastically wrong his wife urged him to seek help. He talked to his rabbi who tried to assure him that he was not a child molester and should dismiss the thoughts.  Psychodynamic perspective  Sources Nancy McWilliams Psychoanalytic Diagnosis --  Psychdynamic Diagnostic manual   Thinking and Doing predominate over Feeling, sensing, intuiting, listening, playing, daydreaming, enjoying the creative arts and other modes that are less rationally driven or instrumental  Hold themselves to very high standards, sometimes impossibly high.   Central conflict: Rage and being controlled vs. fear of being condemned or punished.   Cooperation and rebellion Initiative and sloth Cleanliness and slovenliness Order and disorder Thrift and improvidence  Polarizations inside.   Emotion is unformulated, muted suppressed, unavailable, or rationalized and moralized.  Except anxiety and sometimes depressed mood Consign most feelings to an undervalued role, associated with childishness, weakness, loss of control, disorganization and dirt Cognition Condemning oneself for internal thought crimes -- consciously or unconsciously   Body states Hyperarousal -- expressing anxiety through the body  Often health problems due to excessive washing   Difficulties with  Play Humor  Spontaneity Pain about isolation.   Shame about being considered weird and unacceptable to others Capable of loving attachments, but often not able to express their tender selves without anxiety and shame Relational patterns -- seek relationships in which they can control the partner, sometimes partners who can reassure them  Being intimate in relationships Emotional connection  Sexuality   Causes of Scrupulosity  Spiritual Sources  Fr. James Jackson The Fathers of the Church considered scrupulosity – or psychasthenia, as the Greek Fathers called it – to be a spiritual problem which leads to a psychological malfunction.   Timothy A. Sisemore. Catherine Barton, Mary Keeley -- The History and Contextual Treatment of Scrupulous OCD  15th and 16th Century -- connected scruples to moral reasoning, addressed under conscience -- concept of erroneous conscience.  -- frees the person to act without resolving the doubt.   Secular Sources IOCDF Fact sheet:  The exact cause of scrupulosity is not known. Like other forms of OCD, scrupulosity may be the result of several factors including genetic and environmental influences.   OCDUK.com  Lots of controversy. Biological factors  Strep infections affecting the Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders associated with Streptococcal Infection  -- PANDAS   Genetic factors Runs in families -- 2001 metaanalytic review reported that person with OCD is 4 times more likely to have another family member with OCD than a person who does not have the disorder   Cognitive theory  Everyone experiences intrusive thoughts at times People with OCD have an inflated sense of responsibility and interpret these thoughts as very significant and important Caught up in a pattern of Try to resist, block or neutralize them  What is the meaning of the thought to the person?   Joseph Ciarrocchi citing David Barlow -- OCD causes Those temperamentally disposed to having high levels of nervous energy, more pronounced bodily reactions to stress, greater levels of anxiety   OCD is different from other anxiety disorders because those with OCD believe that certain kinds of thoughts are dangerous in themselves If I think certain thoughts those events will happen.  If I think certain thoughts or spontaneously imagine certain things, or if I have an impulse to do such a  thing, then I am the kind of person who would do such things.   No moral distance between the spontaneous thought or image or impulse and actually doing the act.   I must be bad.  Unclean.  Unworthy.   Model for the development of Scrupulosity Strong belief that certain thoughts are dangerous and unacceptable  Leads to the occurrence of these same intrusive thoughts  This generates significant anxiety  Leading to strong efforts to suppress the thoughts  Which accelerates the frequency of the same kinds of thought   Leading to a need to "turn off" the anxiety by any means Mental rituals  Physical rituals  These rituals are the compulsions   And then there is a temporary respite, a bit of relief.  The compulsive rituals are reinforced because they temporarily decrease anxiety.  But then we loopback to the occurrence of the intrusive thoughts again.     Psychodynamic understanding Nancy McWilliams -- Psychoanalytic Diagnosis Obsessive and Compulsive Personality styles:   Marc Foley's Approach in The Context of Holiness about St. Therese of Lisieux's scrupulosity Parental figures who set high standards of behavior and expect early conformity to them E.g. making little kids sit still during Mass   Strict and consistent in rewarding good behavior and punishing malfeasance Risk of condemning not only behaviors but the feelings that go with them Especially anger   Issues of control in families of origin.   Alternative -- a really lax family in which children are underparented Child concludes he has to model himself after a parental figure that he invents himself  Child might have an aggressive, intense temperament -- projected on to that idealized parental figure.   Self esteem comes from meeting the demands of internalized parental figures who hold them to a high standard of behavior and sometimes thought.   Value self-control over nearly all other virtues.   Discipline Order Loyalty Integrity Reliability Perseverance Is a particular religion a cause?   No: Timothy Sisemore, Catherine Barton, Mary Keeley:  A tendency to blame religion, but no more than counting OCD to be blamed on math class  Joseph Ciarrocchi "Religion doesn't cause scrupulosity and more than teach someone French history causes him to believe he is Napoleon.  All human beings exist in some cultural context.   IOCDF Fact sheet:  Scrupulosity is an equal opportunity disorder. It can affect individuals from a variety of different faith traditions. Although more research is needed to truly answer this question, there is currently no evidence to link scrupulosity to a specific religion. OCD Center of Lost Angeles It is worth noting that Scrupulosity is not partial to any one religion, but rather custom fits its message of doubt to the specific beliefs and practices of the sufferer.  Yes:  Joseph Ciarrocchi …religion may contribute when its content is presented in an overly harsh, punitive manner.  Students of such presentations are likely to associate the context of the religious message with fear and anxiety.   Jonathan Edwards, 18th Century Pastor and Theologian in the Congregational Church The God that holds you over the pit of hell, much as one holds a spider, or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked: his wrath towards you burns like fire; he looks upon you as worthy of nothing else, but to be cast into the fire; he is of purer eyes than to bear to have you in his sight; you are ten thousand times more abominable in his eyes, than the most hateful venomous serpent is in ours. You have offended him infinitely more than ever a stubborn rebel did his prince; and yet it is nothing but his hand that holds you from falling into the fire every moment. It is to be ascribed to nothing else, that you did not go to hell the last night; that you was suffered to awake again in this world, after you closed your eyes to sleep. And there is no other reason to be given, why you have not dropped into hell since you arose in the morning, but that God's hand has held you up. There is no other reason to be given why you have not gone to hell, since you have sat here in the house of God, provoking his pure eyes by your sinful wicked manner of attending his solemn worship. Yea, there is nothing else that is to be given as a reason why you do not this very moment drop down into hell.   Heresies from Fr. James Jackson: Manicheanism:  Manichaeism states, on principle, that all matter is evil. If, for example, a child grows up with an extreme attitude to modesty – where the flesh is seen as evil because it is the cause of forbidden impulses – then the slightest catering to the demands or needs of the flesh can result in a torment which rejects the goodness of the body.  Pelagianism:  There was once a British monk named Pelagius, who taught that a man can observe God's laws by human effort alone, that grace was not needed to do so. If the heresy of Pelagianism works its way into the soul it is an easy step to thinking that any lack of perfection is entirely one's own fault. One thinks, “this business of salvation is my work, so I'd better be perfect when I …” Thus salvation becomes something one must achieve by personal effort instead of by cooperation with grace.   Jansenism:  Jansenism is another heresy in which scrupulosity can grow well. It emphasizes that Christ did not die for all, stresses man's sinfulness, and requires extreme penances on a regular basis. It leads to infrequent communions and flowers into scrupulosity as a matter of course. Jansenism flourished within Roman Catholicism primarily in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries, but was condemned as heresy by Pope Innocent X in 1653. Jansenism was also condemned in 1713 by Pope Clement XI in his famous Bull Unigenitus.  Jansenism focuses on how it was impossible for men and women to obey the Lord's commandments and to be redeemed without God's special, divine, irresistible grace. Jansenism taught that Christ died only for the elect -- a real sense of predestination  Fr. Marc Foley agrees:  Jansenism identified as the "remote cause: of St. Therese of Lisieux's troubles growing up.   Biographer Conrad de Meester: "Zelie's mother, who taught her daughters an excessive fear of offending God, used to harp on the phrase 'that's a sin' to curb the least imperfections."   Zelie had an excessive fear of sin and hell. Zelie was terrified that her five-year-old daughter Helene was in purgatory or perhaps even in hell, because she once told a lie.   Spiritual Means of Recovery Joseph Ciarrocchi “Scruples in the History of Pastoral Care” (chapter four of the Doubting Disease) puts scrupulosity in the context of church history before it was viewed through the modern lens of psychiatric diagnosis.  He describes several principles for the treatment of scruples from the pastoral care tradition. Act contrary to the scruples.   Follow the example of others without lengthy and burdensome moral reasoning.  Rely on the guidance of one spiritual advisor rather than consulting multiple spiritual authorities.  Put oneself in situations that trigger the obsessional thought.  Avoid religious rituals/prayers, which serve as compulsions.   Ciarrocchi writes that these main pastoral principles “contain  the seeds of modern behavioral treatments” that include modeling by  others,  exposure to the upsetting situation, and blocking the compulsive response. Fr. William Doyle 1873-1917 -- more than 100 years ago.   General Remedies from Fr. William Doyle Prayer -- pray in temptation  Vigilance  Struggle against depression -- sadness increases scrupulosity   Obedience to an experienced confessor -- perfect, trustful and blind obedience Obedience of action putting into practice the freedom of conscience  Obedience of understanding -- soul remaining in revolt and persisting in its own erroneous ideas. Vanquishing errors of the intellect.   Generosity in Self-Conquest -- acts of self-denial   Particular remedies from Fr. William Doyle 19th century Doubts must be ignored  Belief in the easiness of forgiveness  Presuming decisions (of the spiritual director)  Lenient view of one's faults -- magnifying glass  Promptness in acting on decisions  Broad-minded interpretation of advice -- broadening the way.   Not piling up questions   Ten Commandments for the Scrupulous -- Fr. Thomas Santa, CSsR (2013) Without exception, you shall not confess sins you have already confessed.  You shall confess only sins that are clear and certain.  You shall not repeat your penance or any of the words of your penance after confession—for any reason.  You shall not worry about breaking your pre-Communion fast unless you put food and drink in your mouth and swallow as a meal  You shall not worry about powerful and vivid thoughts, desires, and imaginings involving sex and religion unless you deliberately generate them for the purpose of offending God  You shall not worry about powerful and intense feelings, including sexual feelings or emotional outbursts, unless you deliberately generate them to offend God.  You shall obey your confessor when he tells you never to repeat a general confession of sins already confessed to him or another confessor.  When you doubt your obligation to do or not do something, you will see your doubt as proof that there is no obligation  When you are doubtful, you shall assume that the act of commission or omission you're in doubt about is not sinful, and you shall proceed without dread of sin   You shall put your total trust in Jesus Christ, knowing he loves you as only God can and that he will never allow you to lose your soul Pastoral approach here.  Predestination for heaven, Jesus will make us go to heaven.  A lot of scrupulous clients are well enough formed to not believe that.   Secular means of recovery IOCDF:  Scrupulosity responds to the same treatments as those used with other forms of OCD.  Cognitive behavior therapy featuring a procedure called “exposure and response prevention” is the primary psychological treatment for scrupulosity. A certain kind of medicines called Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) is the primary drug treatment for OCD. Treatment for scrupulosity may also include consultation from  leaders of the patient's faith tradition.  Exposure and Response prevention See the last Episode   Difficulties with ERP for scrupulosity. Joseph Ciarrocchi "Doubting Disease":  My opinion, based on the clinical and theoretical aspects of scruples, is that scruples are resistant to change because their religious nature places many of them in the domain of overvalued ideas. In other words, the person sees the stakes are so high in religious doubts (i.e. salvation depends and being correct) that the senselessness of the behavior is less evidence. After all, faith itself implies looking beyond sensory experiences in the surface meaning of reality. Scrupulous people usually know that their peers do not act the way they do. But since religious salvation is such an individual experience, can one really take a chance and ignore that's “inner voice”? Therefore, the religious aspects of scruples create a motivational drive around the symptoms which become overvalued ideas, and hence resistant to change.  Jaimie Eckert Scrupulosity Coach:  ERP can feel like it has deep moral and spiritual implications. Although it is a method that is helping you develop a normal spirituality, it can feel terribly frightening. For example, the woman who prays compulsively, repeating her prayers dozens of times until she feels they are done “right,” might be asked to pray only once and then stop, no matter how she feels. This can easily feel like a denial of faith. So scrupulous sufferers begin dropping out of treatment when ERP gets more intense.  Kevin Foss, Founder of the California OCD and Anxiety Treatment Center in Fullerton, CA:   People suffering with Religious Scrupulosity struggle with the ERP process because they fear that exposure therapy will result in a genuine sin, convey that they are OK with sin and that they do not respect God or God's will. Furthermore, Scrupulosity sufferers are generally knowledgeable of their faith's doctrine and Biblical texts, so they are quick to present chapter and verse explaining why they should avoid exposure and give in to compulsive acts. Despite my reminders of clients' logical arguments, they respond with “But you never know” and “But what if God mistakes my intention in the exposure and I'm now really guilty of sin?” So, to do anything that could potentially put that into question or undermine it was experienced as possibly damaging the practice of faith, challenging one's fundamental belief in God, or leaving one vulnerable to shifting beliefs and a slippery slope into sin. Psychodynamic approaches for treating OCD but can be applied to scrupulosity.  McWilliams  Ordinary kindness -- they know they are exasperating for reasons that are unclear to everybody Priests get frustrated.   Parents get frustrated   Do not hurry them, advise them, criticize them.   Avoid becoming the equivalent of the controlling, demanding parent -- no power struggles  But still relate warmly.  A lot of acceptance.   Avoid intellectualization  Help them express anger.   Discover their emotions and help them enjoy them.   Joseph Ciarrocchi. Doubting Disease Treatment program is laid out in his book, Doubting disease.  It is essentially exposure and response prevention.   Target the scruples you want to change Identify your obsessional scruples through self-monitoring.  Write them down.   Identify you compulsive scruples -- write them down.  Avoidance acts to reduce anxiety  Record the circumstances surrounding the scruples  Making ratings of the intensity of the anxiety triggered by each of the obsessions and compulsions.   Record the amount of time spent worrying about the scruples  Lots of forms and charts, all in the book.   Increase your Motivation to Change Looking at how motivated you are, and where you are in Prochaska and Di Clemente's stages of motivation to change.   Developing a Personal Motivation Plan Listing the Benefits of eliminating scruples  Listing the Costs of not changing scruples   Preparing for Change Setting up the plan for repeated exposure to the feared object or condition.   From the very start of the fear response, the body actually starts a counter-response mean to return the body to normal activity levels. Habituation.  Nervous system gets bored with the danger, returns to normal.   Example of jackhammer breaking up the asphalt on your road.   Exposure must be prolonged Exposure must generate significant anxiety Exposure must be repeated The compulsive response must be blocked.  Prevented from happening so it breaks the cycle of some relief from the compulsion.  Blocking the physical compulsion or the mental compulsion.   More charts and forms What I think about scrupulosity.  IFS-Informed Approach  I'm going to start with the bottom line.  I think scrupulosity is generated by a desperate attempt to find safety from a terrible, dangerous and uncaring God for shameful, undeserving, despicable sinner Scrupulosity is a twisted, frantic attempt to find some kind of safety from an angry, heartless God for me, a reprobate, a delinquent, an evildoer.  At the core, scrupulosity starts with really appalling, awful God Images -- and the scrupulous person usually isn't aware of the how terrible his or her God images really are, because they are not allowed into conscious awareness.   I discuss God images at length in episode 23-29 of this podcast, a seven episode series, all about God images, so check that out.   God Images =  My emotional and subjective experiences of God, who I feel God to be in the moment.  May or may not correspond to who God really is.  What I feel about God in my bones. This is my experiential sense how my feelings and how my heart interpret God. God images are often outside of our conscious awareness  Initially God images are shaped by the relationship that I have with my parents.     My God images are heavily influenced by psychological factors  Different God images can be activated at different times, depending on my emotional states and what psychological mode I am in at a given time.   God images are always formed experientially; God images flow from our relational experiences and  Also how we construe and make sense of those images when we are very young.  My God images can be radically different than my God concept. God Concept  = What I profess about God.  It is my more intellectual understanding of God, based on what one has been taught, but also based on what I have explored through reading.  I decide to believe in my God concept.  Reflected in the Creed, expanded in the Catechism, formal teaching.   Now I'm really going to apply IFS to Scrupulosity, grounding it in a Catholic understanding of the human person.  Discussed Robert Fox and Alessio Rizzo's Internal Family Systems approach to OCD in the last episode -- number 86 -- Obsessions, Compulsions, OCD and Internal Family Systems. Brief review:  Definition of Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God.   You can also think of them as separate modes of operating if that is helpful.   Brief review:  Self:  The core of the person, the center of the person.  This is who we sense ourselves to be in our best moments, and when our self is free, and unblended with any of our parts, it governs our whole being as an active, compassionate leader.   Here is the critical idea:  Each Part has a God Image -- each part has a way of understanding God based on its limited experience and how it understands that experience We have as many God images as we have parts.   How God images form in parts.  Parts have distorted God images for three main reasons:  Parts learn via experience and the ways they interpret experience, especially in their spiritual inferences, can be markedly different than what God has revealed about Himself through the Catholic Church -- for example, a part whose role is to be dissociated from the rest of the system so as not to overwhelm the core self and other parts with its burden of interpersonal trauma may see God as distant, disconnected and uncaring, in a Deistic way;  Parts may be very afraid of, angry at, disappointed with or disinterested in God and therefore refuse to connect with Him, preventing them from having needed corrective relational experiences of a loving God Part's understandings of God can vary wildly.  One part may be angry and rejecting of God, another parts may be terrified of God, a third grieving the loss of God, a fourth distant and cold toward God and a fifth part, in the same person, may not believe that God even exists.   As different parts come up and blend with the self, becoming more prominent in the system, they bring their God images into conscious awareness.  That explains how our conscious perspectives of God can shift.  Whichever part of us has taken over, which ever part of us has blended and is driving our bus, that part's God image is dominating in the moment So, in my view, a scrupulous person's parts are in a life and death battle with each other about God.  It's more than physical life or death.  It's about spiritual life or death, eternal life or death, the stakes couldn't be higher.   The scrupulous person's managers believe that if they don't suppress parts with negative God images, the consequence could be to be damned to hell for all eternity.   Manager parts are trying to appease God -- seek his approval, make things all right, strive to meet his demands, to be perfect Fr. Thomas La Santa:  I will make God love me by becoming perfect.  In this way God will have to love me.  An enormous amount of energy is wasted by the scrupulous person trying to "fix" himself or herself or trying to become perfect.   Fr. Marc Foley: The command "Be ye perfect..." does not enjoin us to strive for a flawless performance in the various tasks of life, but to do them as God wills us. We feel driven to do an A+ job on projects in which we have overinvested our egos. But doing God's will often demands the courage to do a C+ job because God bids us to spend our time and energy on other tasks.  In order to do that, the manager parts have to suppress or exile the parts that have "offensive" God images or who may otherwise seem inappropriate or unacceptable to God.   Those that are angry at God Those that are disappointed in God Those who are disgusted with God. Those that are indifferent toward God. Those that don't believe God exists.   All those ways of construing God makes sense if you understand the part's experience and how it construes its experience.  They are not accurate, they don't correspond to how God really is, but the part doesn't know that.   Those that generate impulses to get God's attention via acting out in negative ways.   Manager parts reject any part that experiences God in any negative way.   Parts seeing other parts as evil, harmful, and terrifying.   Demons  Lepers Tax collectors Prostitutes Dangerous sinners -- banishing them.   Manager Parts can speak for God -- they assume they know what God wants.  Not in relationship with him, though.  Really following a code or a list of rules or expectations.  It's not about relationship, really.   First two conditions for secure attachment -- 1) felt safety and protection; 2) feeling seen known, heard and understood.  Drawing from Daniel P. Brown and David S. Elliott 2016 book Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair.   Felt safety and protection In Scrupulosity, there is no felt sense of safety and protection for so many parts, because of their God images and their fears about the God images of other parts being expressed.  .   The first primary condition of secure attachment is not met.   The most basic relational need is not met -- no felt safety, no felt protection. The first primary condition for secure attachment is felt safety and security.  It has be felt.  And not just by other parts, but by the target part.   We all have heretical God images.   Pastor Jonathan Edwards:  The wrath of God is like great waters that are dammed for the present; they increase more and more, and rise higher and higher, till an outlet is given; and the longer the stream is stopped, the more rapid and mighty is its course, when once it is let loose. It is true, that judgment against your evil works has not been executed hitherto; the floods of God's vengeance have been withheld; but your guilt in the meantime is constantly increasing, and you are every day treasuring up more wrath; the waters are constantly rising, and waxing more and more mighty; and there is nothing but the mere pleasure of God, that holds the waters back, that are unwilling to be stopped, and press hard to go forward. If God should only withdraw his hand from the flood-gate, it would immediately fly open, and the fiery floods of the fierceness and wrath of God, would rush forth with inconceivable fury, and would come upon you with omnipotent power; and if your strength were ten thousand times greater than it is, yea, ten thousand times greater than the strength of the stoutest, sturdiest devil in hell, it would be nothing to withstand or endure it.  How are you going to feel safe with a God like that?   Feeling Seen, Known, Heard, Understood   because there is no feeling of safety and protection for some parts, they don't want to be seen, heard, known and understood by God.  They don't want to be near God, they don't trust him And that makes sense, given how they see God.   Some parts may want to be seen heard known and understood by God, even if they don't feel safe -- they are desperate for attention, any kind of attention from God, even negative attention, so they signal distress by intense impulses toward acting out, especially in ways designed to get God's attention -- blasphemy, for example.  Just like a neglected little kid, desperate for some kind of attention from his father may act out.   Scrupulosity is the son of anger and the grandson of shame.  Core issues of shame that are suppressed and generate anger.  Anger is suppressed and generates fear and scruples.   Shame -- the root of so much psychological and emotional distress -- whole 13-epsiode series on shame, from episode 37 to 49.  All goes back to identity.  Who am I and Who is God.  Scrupulous individuals have a very hard time allowing their anger with God to emerge into conscious awareness and with anger in general.  Dangerous emotion But look at the unreasonably demanding and exacting God images their manager parts have -- Their God images are unjust.   Who would want to be with a God like that?  No part has a really positive God image Not wanting hell  But not really wanting heaven either -- to be face to face with a God like that for all eternity?  So God has no opportunity to show the scrupulous person, in relationship, who He really is.  Self-perpetuating. I wrote a blog on this on the Souls and Hearts website last week, on Inner Pre-Evangelization: A Focus on Internal Trust.  My Approach Lead from Self --The core of the person, the center of the person.  This is who we sense ourselves to be in our best moments, and when our self is free, and unblended with any of our parts, it governs our whole being as an active, compassionate leader.   We want to be recollected, we want the self governing all of our parts Like the conductor -- leading the musicians in an orchestra Like the captain -- leading and governing all the sailors on a ship.   When we are recollected, in self, 8 C's Calm  Curiosity  Compassion  Confidence  Courage  Clarity  Connectedness  Creativity  Kindness   Self as the secure internal attachment figure for the parts.  Parts coming to trust the self  -- Blog on  Working collaboratively with the parts -- contracting with them to not overwhelm Really accepting the parts right now, where they at.  Trusting that God is good enough to understand and tolerate our parts' feelings.   Scrupulosity as a gift, a signal. Look for the disorder underneath it.  Not a question of willpower.   Diabolical aspects Leaving people to their own devices  Discouragement, inward focus, despising self,  Spiritual Approach Not about overcoming scrupulosity  Blessed are the merciful for mercy shall be theirs  Childlike Simplicity and trust lessens our burdens.  Parvulos.  Little Children.  Dust and ashes.   Example of a parent -- would you prefer your child to be working on self-perfection  Perfectionism draws us to be big, perfect, competent, having it all together.  Jacques Phillipe:  The Way of Trust and Love -- particularly helpful for those struggling with scrupulosity.    p. 7 :  The heart of Christian life is to receive and welcome God's tenderness and goodness, the revelation of his merciful love and to let oneself be transformed interiorly by that love.   “We would like to be experienced, irreproachable, never making mistakes, never fall, possess unfeeling good judgment and unimpeachable virtues. Which is to say, we would like to have no more need of forgiveness or mercy, no more need of God and his help.  41 If we accept ourselves as we are, we also accept God's love for us. But if we reject ourselves, if we despise ourselves, we shut ourselves off from the love God has for us, we deny that love. 48-49 We need to practice gentleness toward ourselves so as not to get discouraged and condemn ourselves when faced with their weakness while also nurturing a great desire for holiness. But not a desire for extraordinary perfection. Holiness is different; it is a real desire to love God and our neighbor, and, issuing a kind of halfway love, go to loves extremes. 52 …we shouldn't fall into a kind of stubborn “therapeutic obstinacy,” with the aim of ridding ourselves absolutely of all imperfections or healing every wound. In doing that, we risk becoming impatient and concentrating our efforts on something God isn't specifically asking of us or, ultimately, paying more attention to ourselves than to him. 56-57 The more we accept ourselves as we are and are reconciled to our own weakness, the more we can accept other people and love them as they are. 49 What this podcast is all about.   Contrast that with Pastor Jonathan Edwards -- sinners in the hand of an angry God:  The bow of God's wrath is bent, and the arrow made ready on the string, and justice bends the arrow at your heart, and strains the bow, and it is nothing but the mere pleasure of God, and that of an angry God, without any promise or obligation at all, that keeps the arrow one moment from being made drunk with your blood.  Remember, you as a listener can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  The Resilient Catholics Community at Soulsandhearts.com/rcc.  So much information there and videos.   I want to invite you to the Resilient Catholics Community The Why of the RCC --  It's all about loving with your whole heart -- all of your being.  Getting over all the natural level issues that hold you back from tolerating being loved and from loving God and others.   Who  Who is the Resilient Catholics Community for? It's for you. If you really are into this podcast, if these ways of conceptualizing the human person and integration and human formation and resilience are appealing to you, then the Resilient Catholics community, the RCC may be for you.   I am looking for listeners who want to be with other like-minded Catholics on the journey, on this adventure of human formation with me.   Who deeply desire a personal, intimate relationship with God and with Mary, a real human, close connection  And who recognize they have some natural-level impediments to that deep relating  and  who are willing to make sacrifices in time, effort, money, humility and courage to grow in human formation and overcome natural-level impediments to being loved and to loving  What want to shore up their natural foundation for the spiritual life, because grace perfects nature.   Who want to become saints.   Who are willing to be pioneers at the cutting edge in this adventure of human formation.  Really at the tip of the spear, the first explorers of this human formation ground for laymen and laywomen.   First of all the RCC is My Tribe, my people, bringing together two groups into one First, faithful, orthodox, serious Catholics who are wounded and suffering and know it  And Second, who are psychologically minded (or at least want to be psychologically minded), who believe in the unconscious and who embrace the unity and multiplicity of the human person  And who want to see through the lens of a core self and parts.  Unity and multiplicity make sense.   What of the RCC $99 nonrefundable registration fee gets you the The Initial Measures Kit -- which generates the Individual Results Sheet and the Personalized Human Formation Plan 5 pages of results about your parts  -- we've done about 70 of these now, and our members are amazed at the results, how accurately we are in helping them identify their parts and how their parts relate to each other, and the why behind their parts' desires and impulses.   Weekly premium Inner Connections podcast, just for RCC community members --Lots of experiential exercises.   A complete course for working on your human formation 44 weekly sessions over the course of a year for $99 per month subscription  Daily check ins with your companion -- accountability and structure  Weekly company meetings with 7 or 8 other members in your small group.   Office hours with me  Conversation hours with me  All this for $99 per month.  And we make it financially possible for anyone who is a good fit for the RCC to join through write-offs and scholarships.  The fees are not the tail that wags the dog.   And there also is opportunities for some parts-based individual coaching as well.   Essentially, the What of the RCC is a pilgrimage together.   The When of the RCC We open twice per year to new members in December and June, open until December 31..  We are open now.  Soulsandhearts.com/rcc to register.  Call me with questions!    317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  So sign up Soulsandhearts.com/rcc.   

Join Dr. Peter to go way below the surface and find the hidden meanings of obsessions, compulsions and OCD.  Through poetry and quotes, he invites you into the painful, distressing, fearful and misunderstood world of those who suffer from OCD.  He defines obsessions and compulsions, discusses the different types of each, and evaluates two conventional treatments and one alternative treatment for OCD.  Most importantly, he discusses the deepest natural causes of OCD, which are almost always disregarded in conventional treatment, which focuses primarily on the symptoms.   Lead-in OCD is not a disease that bothers; it is a disease that tortures. - Author: J.J. Keeler   “It can look like still waters on the outside while a hurricane is swirling in your mind.” — Marcie Barber Phares  Poetry or word picture (prayer of the scrupulous)  Aditi Apr 2017  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  OCD.  That is what we are addressing today. Here is what OCD is like for Toni Neville -- she says:  “It's like being controlled by a puppeteer. Every time you try and just walk away he pulls you back. Are you sure the stove is off and everything is unplugged? Back up we go. Are you sure your hands are as clean as they can get? Back ya go. Are you sure the doors are securely locked? Back down we go. How many people have touched this object? Wash your hands again.”  Introduction We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.   We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com  Today, we are getting into obsessions and compulsions -- a really deep dive into what's really going on with these experiences.  I know many of you were expecting me to discuss scrupulosity today -- And you know what?  I was expecting I would be discussing scrupulosity well, but in order to have that discussion of scrupulosity  be well-founded, we really need to get into understanding obsessions and compulsions first.  I have to bring you up to speed on obessions and compulsions before we get into scrupulosity, and there is a lot to know The questions we will be covering about obsessions and compulsions. What are Obsession and Compulsions? Getting into definitions.   Also What are the different types of obsessions and compulsions, the different forms that obsessions and compulsions can take What is the experience of OCD like?  From those who have suffered it.   Who suffers from obsessions and compulsions -- how common are they?  Who is at risk?  Why do obsessions and compulsions start and why do they keep going?  How do we overcome obsessions and compulsions?  How do we resolve them?   What does the secular literature say are the best treatments"  -- Medication and a particular kind of therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention Alternatives   Can we find not just a descriptive diagnosis, but a proscriptive conceptualization that gives a direction for healing, resolving the obsessions and compulsions  Not just symptom management. Definitions  Obsessions  DSM-5: Obsessions are defined by (1) and (2): Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or impulses that are experienced, at some time during the disturbance, as intrusive and unwanted, and that in most individuals cause marked anxiety or distress.  The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion).  Not pleasurable   Involuntary My compulsive thoughts aren't even thoughts, they're absolute certainties and obeying them isn't a choice. - Author: Paul Rudnick  To resist a compulsion with willpower alone is to hold back an avalanche by melting the snow with a candle. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. - Author: David Adam   Individual works to neutralize the obsession with another thought or a compulsion.   From the International OCD Foundation:  Obsessions are thoughts, images or impulses that occur over and over again and feel outside of the person's control. Individuals with OCD do not want to have these thoughts and find them disturbing. In most cases, people with OCD realize that these thoughts don't make any sense.  Obsessions are typically accompanied by intense and uncomfortable feelings such as fear, disgust, doubt, or a feeling that things have to be done in a way that is “just right.” In the context of OCD, obsessions are time consuming and get in the way of important activities the person values.  Common Obsessions  Sources What is OCD? Article by the International OCD Foundation on their website  WebMD article How Do I Know if I Have OCD? By Danny Bonvissuto February 19. 2020  Northpointrecovery.com blog What Types of OCD Are There? Get the Breakdown Here by the Northpoint Staff from May 3, 2019  Article entitled Common Types of OCD: Subtypes, Their Symptoms and the Best Treatment by Patrick Carey dated July 6, 2021 on treatmyocd.com   Contamination Body fluids --- blood, urine, saliva, feces -   I gave my baby niece a serious illness when I held her --  I'm sure I got a disease from using the public restroom.   Germs for communicable diseases -- may be afraid to shake hands, worried about catching gonorrhea  Environmental contaminants -- radiation, asbestos  Household chemicals -- cleaners, solvents  Dirt  If you put the wrong foods in your body, you are contaminated and dirty and your stomach swells. Then the voice says, Why did you do that? Don't you know better? Ugly and wicked, you are disgusting to me. - Author: Bethany Pierce   Losing Control Giving in to an impulse to harm yourself --  I could jump in front of this bus right now.   Fear of acting on an impulse to harm others -- what if I stabbed my child with this knife?  Fear of violent or horrific images in your mind  Fear of shouting out insults or obscenities --  Fear of stealing things   Harm Fear of being responsible for some terrible event (causing a fire at an office building)  Fear of harming others because of not being careful enough (leaving a stick in your yard that fell from a tree in a wind storm that may trip and hurt an neighbor child)   Relationships Doubts about romantic partner -- is she the right one for me?  Is there a better one I am supposed to find?  What if we are not meant to be together, but we wind up marrying each other?  Is my partner faithful?   Unwanted Sexual Thoughts Forbidden or perverse sexual thoughts or images  Sexual obsessions involving children  Obsessions about aggressive sexual behavior toward others   Obsessions related to perfectionism Concern about evenness or exactness   need for things to be in their place Arranging things in a particular way before leaving home   Concern with a need to know or remember  Inability to decide whether to keep or discard things  Fear of losing things  Fear of making a mistake -- may need excessive encouragement from others  Needing to make sure that your action is just right -- I need to start this email over, something is not wright with the wording.   Obsessions about your Sexual Orientation Obsessions about being embarrassed in a public situation Getting a non-communicable disease such as cancer Superstitious ideas such as unlucky numbers or certain colors Religious Obsessions (Scrupulosity) Concern with offending God  Concerns about blasphemy  Concerns about right and wrong, morality.   Compulsions  Definitions  DSM-5 Compulsions are defined by (1) and (2): Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, repeating words silently) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly.  The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive.  Most people with OCD have both obsessions and compulsions.   From the International OCD Foundation Compulsions are the second part of obsessive compulsive disorder. These are repetitive behaviors or thoughts that a person uses with the intention of neutralizing, counteracting, or making their obsessions go away. People with OCD realize this is only a temporary solution but without a better way to cope they rely on the compulsion as a temporary escape. Compulsions can also include avoiding situations that trigger obsessions. Compulsions are time consuming and get in the way of important activities the person values.   Common Compulsions in OCD  Sources What is OCD? Article by the International OCD Foundation on their website  WebMD article How Do I Know if I Have OCD? By Danny Bonvissuto February 19. 2020  Northpointrecovery.com blog What Types of OCD Are There? Get the Breakdown Here by the Northpoit Staff from May 3, 2019  Article entitled Common Types of OCD: Subtypes, Their Symptoms and the Best Treatment by Patrick Carey dated July 6, 2021   Washing and Cleaning Washing hands excessively or in a certain way  Excessive showering, bathing, toothbrushing, grooming  Cleaning items or objects excessively   Checking Checking that you did not or will not harm anyone  Checking that you did not or will not harm yourself  Checking that nothing terrible happened  Checking that you did not make a mistake  Checking specific parts of your body   Repeating Re-reading or re-writing   Repeating routine activities Going in and out of doors  Getting up and down from chairs   Repeating body movements Tapping  Touching  Blinking   Repeating activities in multiples Doing things three times, because three is a good, right or safe number   Mental Compulsions Mental review of events to prevent harm (to oneself others, to prevent terrible consequences)  Praying to prevent harm (to oneself others, to prevent terrible consequences)  Counting while performing a task to end on a “good,” “right,” or “safe” number  Cancelling” or “Undoing” (example: replacing a “bad” word with a “good” word to cancel it out)    Putting things in order or arranging things until it “feels right” or are in perfect symmetry Telling asking or confessing to get reassurance Avoiding situations that might trigger your obsessions  Obsessions and Compulsions go together  The vicious cycle of OCD -- Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) at helpguide.org Obsessive thought  --  I could stab my nephew with this knife.  Anxiety -- that would be a terrible thing to happen, I can't let that happen  Compulsion -- Locking all the knives away, checking to make sure they are all accounted for when your sibling and her family are visiting  Temporary relief -- the knives are all there.  “A physical sensation crawls up my arm as I avoid compulsions. But if I complete it, the world resets itself for a moment like everything will be just fine. But only for a moment.” —  Mardy M. Berlinger Harm Obsession     Compulsion:  Keeping all knives hidden away somewhere What if I killed my nephew and I just can't remember?  Repeatedly going back to check if you ran someone over DSM-5 Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both:  The obsessions or compulsions are time-consuming (e.g., take more than 1 hour per day) or cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.  The obsessive-compulsive symptoms are not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or another medical condition.  The disturbance is not better explained by the symptoms of another mental disorder   Specify if: With good or fair insight: The individual recognizes that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are definitely or probably not true or that they may or may not be true.  With poor insight:  The individual thinks obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are probably true.  With absent insight/delusional beliefs: The individual is completely convinced that obsessive-compulsive disorder beliefs are true. 4%  With Tic disorder up to 30%   What is the experience of OCD Poem By Forti.no   Quotes: “You lose time. You lose entire blocks of your day to obsessive thoughts or actions. I spend so much time finishing songs in my car before I can get out or redoing my entire shower routine because I lost count of how many times I scrubbed my left arm.” — Kelly Hill  “Ever seen ‘Inside Out'? With OCD, it's like Doubt has its own control console.” — Josey Eloy Franco  “Imagine all your worst thoughts as a soundtrack running through your mind 24/7, day after day.” — Adam Walker Cleveland  “Picture standing in a room filled with flies and pouring a bottle of syrup over yourself. The flies constantly swarm about you, buzzing around your head and in your face. You swat and swat, but they keep coming. The flies are like obsessional thoughts — you can't stop them, you just have to fend them off. The swatting is like compulsions — you can't resist the urge to do it, even though you know it won't really keep the flies at bay more than for a brief moment.” — Cheryl Little Sutton  “It's like you have two brains — a rational brain and an irrational brain. And they're constantly fighting.” — Emilie Ford   Who 12 month prevalence is 1.2% with international prevalence rates from 1.1 to 1.8%  NIH Women have a higher prevalence 1.8% than men 0.5%.  Males more affected in childhood.  Lifetime prevalence 2.3%   Risk Factors:  DSM-5  Temperamental Factors Greater internalizing symptoms  Higher negative emotionality  Behavioral inhibition   Environmental Factors Childhood physical abuse  Childhood sexual abuse  Other stressful or traumatic events   Genetic Monozygotic concordance rates --.57  Dizygotic concordance rates .22   Physiological  Dysfunction in the orbitofrontal cortex, anterior cingulate cortex, and striatum have been implicated.   Streptococcal infection can precede the development of OCD symptoms in children Therapy  Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) -- Developed originally in the 1970s Stanley Rachman's work a type of behavioral therapy  that exposes the person to situations that provoke their obsessions causing distress, usually anxiety which leads to  the urge to engage in the compulsion  that gives them the temporary relief.   The goal of ERP is to break the cycle of obsessions --> anxiety --> compulsion --> temporary relief.  So you are exposed to you anxiety provoking stimulus, and have the obsession, but you prevent the compulsive response, and you don't get the temporary relief.  Basic premise: As individuals confront their fears and no longer engage in their escape response, they will eventually reduce their anxiety. The goal is to habituate, or get used to the feelings of the obsessions, without having to engage in the compulsive behavior.  This increases the capacity to handle discomfort and anxiety.  Then one is no longer reinforced by the temporary anxiety relief that the compulsion provides.   Patrick Carey writes that: Any behavior that engages with the obsession– e.g. asking for reassurance, avoidance, rumination– reinforces it. By preventing these behaviors, ERP teaches people that they can tolerate their distress without turning to compulsions. It thereby drains obsessions of their power.  Division 12 of the APA   Essence of therapy: Individuals with OCD repeatedly confront the thoughts, images, objects, and situations that make them anxious and/or start their obsessions in a systematic fashion, without performing compulsive behaviors that typically serve to reduce anxiety. Through this process, the individual learns that there is nothing to fear and the obsessions no longer cause distress. From the IOCDF :  With ERP, the difference is that when you make the choice to confront your anxiety and obsessions you must also make a commitment to not give in and engage in the compulsive behavior. When you don't do the compulsive behaviors, over time you will actually feel a drop in your anxiety level. This natural drop in anxiety that happens when you stay “exposed” and “prevent” the compulsive “response” is called habituation. Instead, a person is forced to confront their obsessive thoughts relentlessly. The goal is to make the sufferer so accustomed to their obsessions that they no longer feel tempted to engage in soothing compulsions. Types of Exposure -- GoodTherapy.org article Imaginal Exposure: In this type of exposure, a person in therapy is asked to mentally confront the fear or situation by picturing it in one's mind. For example, a person with agoraphobia, a fear of crowded places, might imagine standing in a crowded mall.  In Vivo Exposure: When using this type of exposure, a person is exposed to real-life objects and scenarios. For example, a person with a fear of flying might go to the airport and watch a plane take off.  Virtual Reality Exposure: This type of exposure combines elements of both imaginal and in vivo exposure so that a person is placed in situations that appear real but are actually fabricated. For example, someone who has a fear of heights—acrophobia—might participate in a virtual simulation of climbing down a fire escape.   Steven Pence, and colleagues in a 2010 article in the American Journal of Psychotherapy:  "When exposures go wrong: Troubleshooting guidelines for managing difficult scenarios that arise in Exposure-based treatment for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder The present article reviews five issues that occur in therapy but have been minimally discussed in the OCD treatment literature:  1) when clients fail to habituate to their anxiety -- they don't calm down2) when clients misjudge how much anxiety an exposure will actually cause3) when incidental exposures happen in session -- other fears in the fear hierarchy intrude.  4) when mental or covert rituals interfere with treatment -- covert compulsive behaviors5) when clients demonstrate exceptionally high anxiety sensitivity.  Stacey Smith Counseling at stacysmithcounseling.com -- ERP failures Utilizing safety behaviors  Not sitting with the anxiety until it dissipates -- distracting yourself  Not working through all the irrational, unhelpful thoughts  Not practicing often enough.   ERP criticisms  Can be really unpleasant for clients -- repeated exposures to terrifying stimuli -- can there be a better way? Concerns about safety and security   Concerns about flooding with anxiety  Ben Blum: Inside the Revolutionary Treatment That Could Change Psychotherapy Forever  elemental.medium.com July 21, 2020 Robert Fox is haunted by a memory of a germophobic woman with OCD whom he met once while she was hospitalized. As part of her ERP therapy, the therapists took her into the bathroom and had her wipe her hands over the toilet and sink and then rub them through her hair. She wasn't permitted to shower until the next morning.   Concerns about dropout rates.   Dropout rate of 18.7% across 21 ERP studies with 1400 participants Clarissa Ong and colleagues in 2016 article in the Journal of Anxiety Disorders Dropout rate of 10% among youth for ERP in a 2019 meta-analysis by Carly Johnco and her colleagues in the Journal "Depression and Anxiety" 11 randomized trials I'm concerned that it doesn't go deep enough  Not getting to root causes -- staying at the symptom level -- seeing symptoms as nonsensical One thing which I can't stress enough is that OCD is completely nonsensical and will not listen to reason. This is one of the most frightening things about having it. I knew that to anyone I told, there are Salvador Dali paintings that make more sense. - Author: Joe Wells   What is the fear really about.  Let's not just ignore it.  Fear is a response to something. Tracing back layers, going back through grief and anger, all the way to shame.  Shame episodes 37-49.   Doesn't get to any spiritual issues Medication  International OCD Foundation Drugs and dosages High doses are often needed for these drugs to work in most people.   Research suggests that the following doses may be needed:  fluvoxamine (Luvox®) – up to 300 mg/day  fluoxetine (Prozac®) – 40-80 mg/day  sertraline (Zoloft®) – up to 200 mg/day   paroxetine (Paxil®) – 40-60 mg/day   citalopram (Celexa®) – up to 40 mg/day*   clomipramine (Anafranil®) – up to 250 mg/day  escitalopram (Lexapro®) – up to 40 mg/day   venlafaxine (Effexor®) – up to 375 mg/day   How Do These Medications Work?  From the International OCD Foundation.  It remains unclear as to how these particular drugs help OCD. The good news is that after decades of research, we know how to treat patients, even though we do not know exactly why our treatments work. We do know that each of these medications affect a chemical in the brain called serotonin. Serotonin is used by the brain as a messenger. If your brain does not have enough serotonin, then the nerves in your brain might not be communicating right. Adding these medications to your body can help boost your serotonin and get your brain back on track.   Discussion of conventional approaches  Medication  I am not a physician -- I'm a psychologist and I don't have prescription privileges I don't give advice on medication choices or on dosages or anything like that.  If you think your medication is helping your OCD, I'm not going to argue with you about that --  I don't want to try to dissuade anyone from taking medication for psychological issues if they think it's helping them.   Here's the thing, though.  So much of your thinking about medication depends on what you see as the cause of the problem It makes sense to take medication if you think the obsessions and compulsions pop up because of chemical imbalances.   You take the medication to restore the chemical balance and reduce the symptoms.  So many of treatments for OCD treat the obsessions and compulsions as meaningless, as irrational, as just the random epiphenomena of consciousness, or just as nonsensical expressions of miswiring in the brain or just the effects of poorly balanced neurochemical in the brain.     And so these approaches, like ERP that and medication that target the obsessions and compulsions for eradication, that seek to vanquish them result in multiple problems  I think that is a major, major mistake.   And here is what I want to emphasize.  Obsessions and Compulsions are symptoms.  They are symptoms.  Obsessions and compulsions, as painful and as debilitating as they are for many people, those obsessions and compulsions are not the primary problem.  They are the effects of the primary problem.  Obsessions and compulsions happen late in the causal chain.  I see meaning in every obsession and in every compulsion.  I see a message in every obsession and compulsion.  A cry for help, a signal of deeper distress.   There are cases in which a psychological problem can be purely or primarily organic -- due to a medical condition -- for example due to head trauma that causes brain damage.  Or a brain tumor on the pituitary gland that disrupts your whole endocrine system, resulting in mood swings. But, Most of the time, though, psychological symptoms have psychological causes.   As a Catholic psychologist, I want to move much further back in the causal chain.  I want to address and resolve the underlying issues that give rise to the obsessions in the first place.   Self Help  Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) at helpguide.org  Identify your triggers Can help you anticipate your urges  Create a solid mental picture and then make a mental note. Tell yourself, “The window is now closed,” or “I can see that the oven is turned off.”  When the urge to check arises later, you will find it easier to re-label it as “just an obsessive thought.”   Learn to resist OCD compulsions by repeatedly exposing yourself to your OCD triggers, you can learn to resist the urge to complete your compulsive rituals --  exposure and response prevention (ERP)  Build your fear ladder -- working your way up to more and more frightening things.   Resist the urge to do your compulsive behavior The anxiety will fade You're not going to lose control or have a breakdown Practice Challenge Obsessive thoughts Thoughts are just thoughts   Write down obsessive thoughts and compulsions Writing it all down will help you see just how repetitive your obsessions are.  Writing down the same phrase or urge hundreds of times will help it lose its power.  Writing thoughts down is much harder work than simply thinking them, so your obsessive thoughts are likely to disappear sooner.   Challenge your obsessive thoughts. Use your worry period to challenge negative or intrusive thoughts by asking yourself What's the evidence that the thought is true? That it's not true? Have I confused a thought with a fact?   Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?  What's the probability that what I'm scared of will actually happen? If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?   Is the thought helpful? How will obsessing about it help me and how will it hurt me?   What would I say to a friend who had this thought?   Create an OCD worry period. Rather than trying to suppress obsessions or compulsions, develop the habit of rescheduling them. Choose one or two 10-minute “worry periods” each day, time you can devote to obsessing.  During your worry period, focus only on negative thoughts or urges. Don't try to correct them. At the end of the worry period, take a few calming breaths, let the obsessive thoughts go, and return to your normal activities. The rest of the day, however, is to be designated free of obsessions.  When thoughts come into your head during the day, write them down and “postpone” them to your worry period.   Create a tape of your OCD obsessions or intrusive thoughts. Focus on one specific thought or obsession and record it to a tape recorder or smartphone.  Recount the obsessive phrase, sentence, or story exactly as it comes into your mind.  Play the tape back to yourself, over and over for a 45-minute period each day, until listening to the obsession no longer causes you to feel highly distressed.   By continuously confronting your worry or obsession you will gradually become less anxious. You can then repeat the exercise for a different obsession.   Reach our for support Stay connected to family and friends.  Join an OCD support group.  Manage Stress Quickly self-soothe and relieve anxiety symptoms by making use of one or more of your physical senses—sight, smell, hearing, touch, taste—or movement. You might try listening to a favorite piece of music, looking at a treasured photo, savoring a cup of tea, or stroking a pet.   Practice relaxation techniques. Mindful meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and other relaxation techniques can help lower your overall stress and tension levels and help you manage your urges. For best results, try practicing a relaxation technique regularly. Lifestyle changes Exercise regularly  Get enough sleep  Avoid alcohol and nicotine   Not sure this is going to work.  Doesn't get to root causes.   IFS as an alternative From Verywellmind.com  What is Internal Family Systems?  By Theodora Blanchfield, August 22, 2021    What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy? Internal family systems, or IFS, is a type of therapy that believes we are all made up of several parts or sub-personalities. It draws from structural, strategic, narrative, and Bowenian types of family therapy. The founder, Dr. Richard Schwartz, thought of the mind as an inner family and began applying techniques to individuals that he usually used with families.  The underlying concept of this theory is that we all have several parts living within us that fulfill both healthy and unhealthy roles. Life events or trauma, however, can force us out of those healthy roles into extreme roles. The good news is that these internal roles are not static and can change with time and work. The goal of IFS therapy is to achieve balance within the internal system and to differentiate and elevate the self so it can be an effective leader in the system.   Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own approach to sexuality.  Robert Falconer calls them insiders.  Robert Fox and Alessio Rizzo  have done the most work with IFS to work with obsessions and compulsions.    Sources IFS and Hope with OCD with Alessio Rizzo and Robert Fox -- Episode 102 of Tammy Sollenberger's podcast The One Inside -- September 17, 2021  Podcast IFS Talks:  Hosts Aníbal Henriques & Tisha Shull  A Talk with Robert Fox on OCD-types -- Robert Fox   February 20, 2021   Robert Fox, IFS therapist with OCD  Ben Blum: Inside the Revolutionary Treatment That Could Change Psychotherapy Forever  elemental.medium.com July 21, 2020 https://elemental.medium.com/inside-the-revolutionary-treatment-that-could-change-psychotherapy-forever-8be035d54770   Robert Fox, a therapist in Woburn, Massachusetts, also wishes more people knew about IFS. Diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder at age 21 after a lifetime of unusual compulsions, he spent 23 years receiving the standard care: cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and exposure response prevention (ERP). Neither had much effect, especially ERP, which involved repeatedly exposing himself to things he was anxious about in the hopes of gradually habituating to them. “When you think about it, it's a very painful method of therapy,” he says. Fox discovered IFS in 2008. Before, he had always been encouraged to think of his compulsions as meaningless pathologies. Now, for the first time, they began making sense to him as the behavior of protectors who were trying to manage the underlying shame and fear of exiles. After two particularly powerful unburdenings, his symptoms abated by 95% and stayed that way. “[OCD] used to be almost like kryptonite around my neck when I would have serious flare-ups,” he says. “I feel a lot of freedom and peace and I really owe it to Dick [Schwartz] and the model.” Concerns about ERP  ERP doesn't bring the curiosity -- why did this happen?   Obsessions are not irrational and Compulsions are not meaningless Alessio Rizzo Conventional OCD diagnosis and treatment ERP and medication -- nothing points back to underlying causes. Alessio Rizzo:  Evidence-based approaches for OCD that work -- they work by drawing a manager part into a role of suppressing OCD symptoms  Needing to continue ERP.   Causes:  Fox Repressed anger. -- not a parent who could witness   Intense shame that is dissociated Shame from childhood -- exiled  Shame from the OCD itself.  -- sarcasm from others, especially from his older brother.   “OCD is like having a bully stuck inside your head and nobody else can see it.” — Krissy McDermott   We hide what we are ashamed of -- not easy to treat.   Fox on his treatment:  Right. I didn't see it myself until one day I was out for a walk with my dog Gizmo around my block, walking around the block with him and I had been to all these lectures about shame and I was walking one day and all of a sudden it was like, it just came to me “Holy, Holy, Holy shit. I carry that shame.” And it was like a dark cloud that was overhead and just kind of followed me wherever I went. And it was actually not an awful thing to realize. That's what had been basically walking around on my back for so long. It was this deep shame. In agreement with how central I think shame is to OCD Obsessions and compulsions develop gradually and experiment with different ways of drawing attention away from the intensity of underlying experience.  All happens in silence in the inner world.   An obsession or compulsion distracts us from the pain of an exile.  If I'm worrying about the gas in the lawnmower overflowing and blowing up the house -- takes me away from the shame of feeling inadequate at work.   Needs to be powerful enough to hijack my mind So many layers of protectors  -- takes time Alessio Rizzo Post dated March 3, 2021 entitled "IFS and OCD -- A Comparison Between CBT and IFS for OCD.  https://www.therapywithalessio.com/articles/ifs-and-ocd-how-does-the-ifs-method-work-for-ocd In IFS, we use the language of parts to describe how we function. As a consequence, the OCD is considered a part of the person. This means that, even if the OCD seems quite a strong presence in the client's life, there is much more to a person than OCD.  At this stage CBT and IFS might look similar because CBT also encourages clients to label the anxieties and the intrusive thoughts that form the OCD and not engage with them.  The main difference between CBT and IFS is in how we relate to the OCD part.  One of the foundational elements of IFS is that all parts are welcome, and, therefore, the OCD part is not dismissed or ignored, but it is respected. Respect does not mean that the client will believe the content of intrusive thoughts or that they will follow up on whatever behaviour the OCD wants. IFS gives us a way to make sure that there is enough safety and calm before offering respect to the OCD part. This might take a different amount of attempts depending on the severity of the OCD, and on the strength of the relationship between therapist and client.  Healing OCD with IFS  The main difference between CBT and IFS is in the definition of “cure” of OCD.  CBT therapy has the ultimate goal of empowering the client to overcome OCD thoughts and anxieties by never engaging with them or by using exposure therapy to demonstrate that the OCD fears and obsessions have got no evidence to exist.  IFS believes that healing is the result of the re-organisation of parts so that extreme behaviour is substituted by more functional ways of thinking and acting, and, above all, IFS aims at healing the traumatic events that have led to the development of OCD symptoms.    The result of healing the trauma that fuels OCD is a spontaneous decrease of OCD anxieties and intrusive thoughts and, in my opinion, this form of healing is preferable to the one described by CBT. Using IFS language, the CBT approach aims at creating a new part in the system that is tasked with managing the OCD, while there is no attention paid to discovery and healing of the trauma that is fueling the OCD.Choosing the method that best suits you There is no way of saying what method works best for a person.  Therapy outcomes depend on many factors and not only on the method used. Sometimes the quality of the therapeutic relationship is the biggest healing factor, and it is ultimately up to the client to find the best combination of therapist and method that can best suit them. Colleen West, LMFT LMFT  December 20 post on her website colleenwest.com  Treating OCD with Internal Family Systems Parts Work Just a word about treating OCD with IFS versus Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). Treating obsessive and compulsive parts with IFS is diametrically opposed to treating it in the Exposure and Response Prevention, the most commonly recommended approach. IFS treats OCD parts as what they are--managers and fire fighters, they have jobs to do. If you can help the exiles underneath these protectors, there will be less need for the OCD behaviors. (This might be complicated if there are still constant stressors in the client's life, for which they need the protection.)   IFS does work, and I have successfully treated people with full blown OCD who now have about 5% of their original symptoms only during moments of high stress, and they do not consider themselves OCD anymore. These clients have been helped by taking SSRIs as well, which I will say more about below.ERP works to suppress those same protectors that IFS seeks to understand/care for. It does "work", as people get a strategy for the thoughts that are driving them nuts, but the folks I know who have gone through this treatment find they have to do their 'homework' forever or the OCD comes back, and they always feel it threatening. In short, it is stressful, and the fight is never over.For anyone doing ERP, they have to commit fully to that approach, the homework is hours a day, and one cannot be halfhearted about it or it won't work. The good thing about ERP is that it gives people some control, which they strongly desire, because they feel so powerless. Next episode Episode 87, will come out on December 6, 2022 Scrupulosity --  I have such a different take -- Scrupulosity is what happens with perfectionism and OCD get religion.   Spiritual and Psychological elements.   In the last episode we really got into understanding perfectionism.  In this episode, we worked on really getting to know about obsessions and compulsions.  Next episode, we get much more into scrupulosity.  My own battle with scrupulosity.   Remember, you as a listener can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  Resilient Catholics Community.  Talked a lot about it in episode 84, two episodes ago.  We now have 106 on the waiting list.  Reopening the community on December 1 for those on the waiting list first.  Can learn a lot more about the RCC and you can sign up at soulsandhearts.com/rcc.  We have had heavy demand.  We may have to limit how many we bring in.  I am working to clear time in my calendar to review the Initial Measures Kits and help new members through the onboarding process -- all the individual attention takes time.  I'm also hiring more staff to help.   Pray for me.  Humility.  Childlike trust   Invocations        

  Join me as we discover explore all the elements of perfectionism, from its root causes to its surface manifestations, through an Internal Family Systems lens, grounded in a Catholic world view.  Through poetry, quotes, research findings, personal examples and the current professional literature, I pull together many strands into a unified whole to help you deeply grasp the internal experience of perfectionism. Intro The Quintessential Persona    Leanna Smith   We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.   We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com Let's get into answering the questions -- the who, what, where, when, why, and how of perfectionism.  This is episode 85 of the Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast it's titled:  Perfectionism:  Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How Perfectionism -- a major, major problem for so many Catholics.   A major, major problem for so many of us.  Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill  2019 Psychological Bulletin Article:  Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016 reviewed dozens of studies from a 27 year timespan all using the same instrument  the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale by Hewitt and Flett  164 study samples comprising more than 41,000 college students in the US, Canada and Great Britain between 1989 and 2016  Results:  there is no doubt.  Perfectionism among college students is on the rise.  Between 1989 and 2016,  the scores for socially prescribed perfectionism —  or perceiving that other have excessive expectations of me — increased by 33%.  Other-oriented expectations — putting unrealistic expectations on others — went up 16% and self-oriented perfectionism — our irrational desire to be perfect — increased 10%   The Who of Perfectionism -- the Parts The What of Perfectionism -- What is it?  What are the different kinds of perfectionism, what are the elements? Where Does Perfectionism Come From Within Us When Does Perfectionism Get Activated? Why Does Perfectionism Start and Why Does it Keep Going? How Do We Overcome Perfectionism?  How do we resolve it?  Not just a descriptive diagnosis, but a proscriptive conceptualization that gives a direction for healing, resolving the perfectionism.  Not just symptom management, this is your cross nonsense.  There are real crosses that God gives us. Yes.  But those crosses fit well.  The crosses we impose upon ourselves do not fit well.    What -- What is perfectionism?  You know that I want precise definitions when we dive into deep topics together.  I think it's ironic that there is a lot of unclear, sloppy thinking about perfectionism by perfectionists.  Shining a bright clear light on it.   Definition of Perfectionism Brene Brown:  The Gifts of Imperfection:  Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels the primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize painful feelings or shame, judgment and blame  Marc Foley O.C.D.  Editor of Story of a Soul: Study Edition  There is an unhealthy striving for perfection which psychologists call perfectionism. Perfectionism is the state of being driven to achieve a standard of perfection in an area of life that is fueled by either the fear of failure or the need for approval. This unhealthy striving is not the type of perfection to which God calls us.   So you may have perfectionistic parts that would like to challenge me on this.  Your perfectionistic parts may say to me  So, Dr. Peter, Mr. Catholic Psychologist, you want us to have low standards, huh?  You think that would be better, for us to be lazy, to be weak, to take our ease, to relax, to give up the fight, to be mediocre, to be lukewarm, huh?  Is that what you are saying?  Didn't St. Jerome say:  Good, better, best, never let it rest, 'till your good is better, and your better's best  First off, let's start with your quote.  Often attributed to St. Jerome, but there's no evidence for it in his writings:  Fr. Horton addresses this alleged quote on his blog fauxtations.   September 26, 2016 post.  "Good, better, best: St. Jerome?" Oldest google books attribution is from 2009.   1904 Dictionary of Modern Proverbs  1897 Christian Work: Illustrated Family Newspaper.   Others attribute it to Tim Duncan, NBA all-star player, often considered the greatest power forward of all time.   I want you to pursue excellence.   Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence or a commitment to self-improvement. There is a critical distinction between striving for excellence and perfectionism.   Let's discuss what perfectionism is not.    Brene Brown:  Perfectionism is not self-improvement./ Perfectionism is, at it's core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance  Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopted this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused – How can I improve? Perfectionism – is other focused – What will they think?” End quote.  What will they think? Brene Brown  Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead:  “Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving for excellence. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It's the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.”  Agnes M. Stairs, Smith, Zapolski, Combs, and Settles:  Clarifying the construct of perfectionism Assessment 2012  732 people 15 different perfectionism measures -- Factor analytic modeling  Found nine different personality traits associated with perfectionism:  Need for Order, Need for Satisfaction of a Job Well Done, Details and Checking, Perfectionism toward Others, High Personal Standards, Black and White Thinking about Tasks, Perceived Pressure from Others, Dissatisfaction with Personal Performance, Reactivity to Mistakes.   9 personality traits  Order  I like things to be neat  Things should always be put away in their place  I like to be orderly in the way I do things   Satisfaction I feel satisfied with my work after I do something well  I get excited when I do a good job  I feel great satisfaction when I feel I have perfected something   Details and Checking I often check my work carefully to make sure there are no mistakes  It takes me a long time to do something because I check my work   many times Perfectionism toward Others I have high standards for the people who are important to me  I expect a lot from my friends   I expect others to excel at whatever they do   High Standards I set extremely high standards for myself  I expect high levels of performance from myself  I have very high goals   Black and White Thinking about Tasks and Activities I will not do something if I cannot do it perfectly  There's no point in doing something if I cannot do it perfectly   Perceived Pressure from Others People expect high levels of performance from me  Others expect me to be perfect  I often feel that people make excessive demands of me   Dissatisfaction It feels like my best is never good enough   I often don't live up to my own standards  I rarely feel that what I have done is good enough   Reactivity to Mistakes When I make a mistake, I feel really bad  If one thing goes wrong, I feel that I cannot do anything right  I feel like a complete failure if I do not do something perfectly   Signs of Being a Perfectionist  GoodTherapy.org article last updated 11-05-2019  Not be able to perform a task unless they know they can do it perfectly.  View the end product as the most important part of any undertaking. As a result, they may focus less on the process of learning or completing a task to the best of their ability.  Not see a task as finished until the result is perfect according to their standards.  Procrastinate. People with perfectionism may not want to begin a task until they know they can do it perfectly.  Take an excessive amount of time to complete a task that does not typically take others long to complete.  Examples of Perfectionistic Behaviors -- GoodTherapy.org article last updated 11-05-2019 Spending 30 minutes writing and rewriting a two-sentence email.  Believing that missing two points on a test is a sign of failure.  Difficulty being happy for others who are successful.  Holding oneself to the standards of others' accomplishments or comparing oneself unfavorably and unrealistically to others.  Skipping class or avoiding a chore because it is pointless to make an effort unless perfection can be achieved.  Focusing on the end product rather than the process of learning.  Avoiding playing a game or trying a new activity with friends for fear of being shown up as less than perfect.   The Who of Perfectionism -- the Parts Definition of Parts:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own approach to sexuality.  Robert Falconer calls them insiders.  You can also think of them as separate modes of operating if that is helpful.   Types of perfectionism -- Jay Early IFS therapist Self-Therapy Volume 3.  Four types of perfectionist parts -- Not-enough perfectionist  Creative Block perfectionist  Control perfectionist  Inner Critic   Not-Enough perfectionist Always must do more on your projects -- not good enough yet.   Working right up to deadlines, perfecting.   Afraid to finish project because your perfectionistic parts believe this will expose your shortcomings and led to being judged  and ridiculed -- humiliation.   Creative Block Perfectionist Need to be perfect the first time  Ideas are not good enough  Fear of being judged and rejected.   Mike Litman:  You don't have to get it right.  You just have to get it going.  This podcast is an example.  Didn't know what I was doing.  Early episodes were very different.  Learning curve.  How many people listened?  Not many.   Control perfectionist World must be perfectly in control and in order.   I must always do the right thing.   I must always make the right choice   Rigid control over behavior Saps vitality  Obliterates sponteneity   Need predictability to feel safe   Inner Critic  Enforces the goals of being perfect Judges and shames about your work, your life, your spiritual practices  Labels you stupid, incompetent, sloppy, inadequate or bad.   Good intention:  to help you avoid being judged or shamed for mistakes.   Types of Inner Critic:  Jay Earley Personal-Growth-Programs.com  -- Transforming your Inner Critic.  Freedom from your Inner Critic.   Perfectionist This critic tries to get you to do things perfectly.  It sets high standards for the things your produce, and has difficulty saying something is complete and letting it go out to represent your best work.  It tries to make sure that you fit in and that you will not be judged or rejected.  Its expectations probably reflect those of people who have been important to you in the past.   Guilt-Tripper This critic is stuck in the past. It is unable to forgive you for wrongs you have done or people you have hurt.  It is concerned about relationships and holds you to standards of behavior prescribed by your community, culture and family  It tries to protect you from repeating past mistakes by making sure you never forget or feel free.   Underminer This critic tries to undermine your self-confidence and self-esteem so that you won't take risks.  It makes direct attacks on your self-worth so that you will stay small and not take chances where you could be hurt or rejected.  It is afraid of your being too big or too visible and not being able to tolerate judgment or failure.   Destroyer It makes pervasive attacks on your fundamental self worth.  It shames you and makes you feel inherently flawed and not entitled to basic understanding or respect.  This most debilitating critic, comes from early life deprivation or trauma.  It is motivated by a belief that it is safer not to exist.   Molder This critic tries to get you to fit into a certain mold based on standards held by society, your culture or your family.  It wants you to be liked and admired and to protect you from being abandoned, shamed or rejected.  The Molder fears that the Rebel or the Free Spirit in you would act in ways that are unacceptable. So it keeps you from being in touch with and expressing your true nature.   Taskmaster This critic wants you to work hard and be successful.  It fears that you may be mediocre or lazy and will be judged a failure if it does not push you to keep going.  Its pushing often activates a procrastinator or a rebel that fights against its harsh dictates.   Inner Controller This critic tries to control your impulses: eating, drinking, sexual activity, etc.  It is polarized with an Indulger –addict who it fears can get out of control at any moment.  It tends to be harsh and shaming in an effort to protect you from yourself.  It is motivated to try to make you a good person who is accepted and functions well in society.   Three Main Manager Roles Contribute to Perfectionism in Catholics.   Often in serious Catholics there is a triumvirate of managers who govern the system if there is not sufficient self-energy.   Triumvirate   trium virum, genitive plural of tres viri "three men," from tres "three" (see three) + viri, plural of vir "man"  a group of three men holding power, in particular ( the First Triumvirate ) the unofficial coalition of Julius Caesar, Pompey, and Crassus in 60 BC and ( the Second Triumvirate ) a coalition formed by Antony, Lepidus, and Octavian in 43 BC. Standard Bearer, Primary Manager and the Inner Critic.   Talking only about Catholics here, Catholics who take their faith seriously. I'm going to simplify this down.  Three roles.    Most people are mostly blended most of the time.   Rare for someone to be really recollected at a natural level And most of the time with reasonably well functioning people, the blend is with a manager.   Managers are the parts who run our systems in such a ways as to proactively minimize exiles being activated and breaking through Managers handle the day-to-day activities Some of these managers are very, very competent, very good at what they do.  Efficient, effective.  They work strategically, with forethought and planning to keep in control of situations and relationships to minimize the likelihood of you being hurt.  They work really hard to keep you safe. controlling, striving, planning, caretaking, judging,  Can be pessimistic, self-critical, very demanding.    Three major roles in perfectionism.  The standard bearer, the primary manager, and the internal critic.   Standard Bearer  Definition of a Standard for a military unit -- Wikipedia:  A bright, colorful flag acting as a strong visual beacon to the soldiers of the unit -- -- it doesn't always have to be a flag.  The standard for a Roman Legion was their aquila -- their eagle. The standard of the Roman Legion, the eagle had quasi-religious importance to the Roman soldier, far beyond being merely a symbol of his legion.  To lose a standard was extremely grave, and the Roman military went to great lengths both to protect a standard and to recover it if it were lost   Is the standard the deep and loving relationship with God?  Nope. Is the standard the close, intimate relationship with our Mother Mary?  Nyet.   What is the standard that the standard bearer carries aloft The standard is the unwritten list of rules and expectations that the standard bearer has come up with by his or her own limited vision, about what he or she things Gods wants from us.   The standard is the code of conduct that the standard bearer wishes to impose on all the parts The standard might be quite unreasonable, especially in the extreme cases of perfectionism and scrupulosity  And the standard needs to be interpreted -- other parts are not deemed capable of deciphering the standard.  Oh no.  Who needs to decipher and interpret the standard?  That's right, you've got it -- the standard bearer.  In the tripartite Freudian model of the mind, The standard bearer corresponds to the superego.   The standard bearer wants to act in the role of conscience, giving directives to the system.  Why?  To keep us safe and secure.  That's the goal.  Safe from internal enemies (such as exiles with their burdens -- especially shame -- the exiles with their burdens are Freud's Id) and external enemies.  Satan, demons, villains of all kinds  And also to keep us safe from God's Wrath.  Or God's Apathy.  Or God's disappointment.  Or Something Undesirable from God -- you like, like being smited with a thunderbolt.   Good Boy in my system  IIC 71 -- A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others If blended.  That's key if he blends with me, takes over with other managers, he will lapse into this role of being a standard bearer.  Otherwise, he's not like that.   Primary Manager This is a part that is blended and in charge almost all the time in fairly "well-adjusted people."   When there seems to be a consistent single "personality" you are often seeing what I call the primary manager part.   This part can have a lot of self-energy, and only blend to certain degree.   This part can also believe that it is essentially the self, or that it needs to function in the role of the self  Primary manager parts either Doesn't trust the self  Or forget.  Lapse back into old patterns  Or get caught up when exiles are activated.   Collaborator in my system -- formerly the Competent One Inner Critic Evaluator in my system.  Formerly my Internal Critic.  My internal critic's attitude toward farms growing up in Wisconsin.   If I ever have a farm.   Now I have a farm.  Radical new views.  Never painted my barn.   How my parts work together on this podcast episode When I am blended and have taken over the self, I set the standards.  I speak for God. I am in the role of standard bearer.   When I am blended, I shielded Good Boy from the unreasonableness of his demands.  I goaded Collaborator, pressed him on to ever better performance.  I am the workhorse.  Executing.  Trying to make it all happen   I'm a firefighter.  I get angry and rebel against the triumvirate of managers -- YouTube time.   Other firefighter activity -- Chocolate, video games, masturbation, porn, food, shopping, chocolate.   Backlash exacerbates the polarization.     I work to protect us.   Where Does Perfectionism Come From Perfectionism is a symptom.  It's an effect of a deeper issue. Still a problem in itself.  Curran and Hall:  Our findings suggest that self-oriented perfectionism, socially prescribed perfectionism, and other-oriented perfectionism have increased over the last 27 years. We speculate that this may be because, generally, American, Canadian, and British cultures have become more individualistic, materialistic, and socially antagonistic over this period, with young people now facing more competitive environments, more unrealistic expectations, and more anxious and controlling parents than generations before.  Pete Walker  “Perfectionism is the unparalleled defense for emotionally abandoned children. The existential unattainability of perfection saves the child from giving up, unless or until, scant success forces him to retreat into the depression of a dissociative disorder, or launches him hyperactively into an incipient conduct disorder. Perfectionism also provides a sense of meaning and direction for the powerless and unsupported child. In the guise of self-control, striving to be perfect offers a simulacrum of a sense of control. Self-control is also safer to pursue because abandoning parents typically reserve their severest punishment for children who are vocal about their negligence.”  Jay Earley:  Self-Therapy Vol. 3 chapter on perfectionism.   Fear Need for approval Marie Forleo, Everything is Figureoutable “Perfectionism at its core isn't about high standards. It's about fear. Fear of failure. Fear of looking stupid, fear of making a mistake, fear of being judged, criticized, and ridiculed. It's the fear that one simple fact might be true:  You're just not good enough. Michael Law  “At its root, perfectionism isn't really about a deep love of being meticulous. It's about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.” Hiding -- driven by shame.  Genesis 3.  Chinonye J. Chidolue  “Perfection is a faux. It's a mask carved by our own poor esteem to hide who we really are and make others see what really isn't us.”  But what's behind those?  Let's go deeper Shame.  Deep sense of fundamental inadequacy.  Not being loved.  Not being lovable.  Essentially flawed.  Being bad.  Unworthy.   Episodes 37-49     When Does Perfectionism Get Activated?   Some are perfectionistic all the time Some are episodic. Some of the time.  Situation factors or internal factors activate Shame.   Fear Anger Shame is:  a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal,  a judgement, and an action.   Why Does it Keep Going?  Self Images Shame -- that is the main driver of perfectionism.  I am unacceptable as I am right now.  I have to engage in a self-improvement program.   That's what he took away from experience.  Not just taught, but construed.   The potential to become good enough to earn the love -- provides hope for the future in the short run.   But hamster on a wheel.   Breeds rebellion, acting out.   Perfectionistic parts always get what they don't want.  Winding up alienated, isolated, alone Glennon Doyle Melton  "We can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved."  Ze Frank -- salty quote:  “Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he's a bit of an asshole and no one invites him to their pool parties.”  How Do We Overcome Perfectionism?  Standard Advice -- focused on symtpoms  Oregon Counseling Become more aware of your tendencies toward perfectionism  Focus on the Positives  Allow yourself to make mistakes  Set more reasonable goals  Learn how to receive Criticism  Lower the pressure you put on yourself  Focus on meaning over perfection  Try not to procrastinate  Cut out negative influences  Go to therapy.   Others Sharon Martin, LCSW in California Practice self-compassion  Adopt a growth mindset  Instead of focusing on outcomes, enjoy the process  Be true to yourself rather than trying to please everyone  Be more assertive with your own needs  Love your imperfect self.   Tanya Peterson Choosing Therapy.com Keep track of your thoughts  Practice mindfulness  Focus on your strengths  Stop comparing yourself to others  Find your own meaning and purpose  Rekindle your sense of pleasure and gratitude  Think about your life at age 100  Let yourself experiment.   These are almost all symptom based approaches.  Superficial.  Likely to not get to the root cause.  Sound good.  Hard to accomplish though because of the perfectionism and its roots.   Two major types of approaches  Treat perfectionism as an enemy to be ignored, dismissed, fought against, or overcome.  Byron Brown based on the Diamond Approach 1999 Souls without Shame.   Robert W. Firestone and colleagues in their Voice Therapy approach  Conquer your Inner Critical Voice  Rick Carson in his 1983 book Taming Your Gremlin   By far the approach most serious Catholic favor in dealing with perfectionism and scrupulosity Will power  Suppression  Domination over the undesireable internal experience.  Triumph of the will!  Victory.  Never works.  Not for long.  And when it seems to work, it's unstable, tenuous, shaky.   Revenge of the repressed.   But what if perfectionism and the parts around it have something important to say to you?   Treat perfectionism as an ally to be seen, heard, to be accepted, befriended, understood, and ultimately transformed.   Hal and Sidra Stone based on Voice Dialogue,  1993 Embracing your inner critic: turning self-criticism into a creative asset Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss based on Internal Family Systems therapy 2010 Self-therapy for your inner critic: transforming self-criticism into self-confidence Ann Weiser Cornell based on Inner Relationship Focusing in her 2005 book The Radical Acceptance of Everything Pat Allen also takes this approach in her 1995  book Art Is a Way of Knowing.[14]  These approaches see the inner critic as attempting to help or protect the person—but in a covert, distorted, or maladaptive way. This perspective makes it possible to connect with the critic and transform it over time into a helpful ally.  Earley's approach.    Getting to the root.  Shame IIC 37-49.   Engage with the parts burdened with shame.   Neural Networks -- one neural network Dan Siegel's interpersonal neurobiology.   Lee Health IFS is considered a brain-based psychotherapy designed specifically to access and modify neural networks through intentional interactions via a guided meditative processes.  These brain based interactions are the key to helping create different pathways often referred to as “rewiring” or “remapping”. IEADP Foundation These processes serve to engage the brain stem, limbic system and prefrontal cortex simultaneously in the safe and emotional tolerable setting of the therapist's office. This increase in the individual's ability to stay in the window of tolerance while being present with strong emotional states, body sensations and memories allows the client to engage the “witnessing mind” and increases the response flexibility to the strong emotional states that previously would elicit eating disorder behaviors Experiential Exercise What did you think -- let me know call or text 317.567.9594. Also, if you have found great resources that were helpful for your scrupulosity or perfectionism let me know.   Next episode Episode 86, will come out on November 1, All Saints Day Scrupulosity --  I have such a different take -- Scrupulosity is what happens with perfectionism gets religion.   One more element that we haven't discussed that is so central to scrupulosity, that make scrupulosity much more than a religious spiritual perfectionism.   My own battle with scrupulosity.   Grandpa Roberts:  God helps those who help themselves.   Today we laid a foundation for understanding perfectionism.  Next episode, we get much more into Solutions for scruplosity and perfectionism.   Remember, you as a listener can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  Resilient Catholics Community.  84 on the waiting list.  Greater discussion of that in the last episode, episode 84.  We have been working through the Individual Results Sheet for dozens of RCC members -- amazed at how our Initial Measures Kit can provoke all kinds of new thinking about their parts and their internal worlds.  Work with Catholic Standard Bearers, Primary Managers and Inner Critics Catholic therapists or therapists in training -- If you are really interested in Internal Family System and you want to be with me and other Catholic therapists, working on your human formation with your colleagues, The Interior Therapist Community is for you.  We have a couple more spots open in the last Foundations Experiential Group for the fall of 2021, so check out all our offerings at soulsandhearts.com/itc.          

In this episode, I lay out the whole mission and purpose of the Interior Integration for Catholics Podcast -- answering the six central questions so that you can make an informed decision about whether this podcast fits you and your needs.  Get the latest in my discernment about this podcast and the Resilient Catholics Community, where we are going.   Lead in:  [cue Sundancer music] Who, What, Where, When, Why and How -- those are the six questions we're addressing today about this podcast.   Why those questions?  It's all about fit.  It's all about being clear about the target audience for this podcast and whether or not you fit.  I'm putting all my cards on the table, total transparency, so that you can make an informed decision about whether you want to engage with me or not.   So let's ask the questions.  Who is this Interior Integration for Catholics podcast for -- yes, it's for Catholics, but it's only for a small number of Catholics, maybe about 3700 Catholics in the world.  How did I get to that number -- stay with me for the calculations later in this episode.   What is this podcast all about -- what is the mission, what is the purpose of the podcast?   Where does this podcast focus?  Spoiler alert:  -- Deep inside you, but you'll have to stay tuned to find out more about that… When:  what is the new frequency and episode length for this podcast? Why:  Why should you listen?  I'm asking you for time, attention, concentration and effort -- why should you engage with this podcast at all?  I'll be fleshing out all the reasons How:  How do we make it all happen with you, for you and in you?   Find out the answer to all of these questions in this episode of Interior Integration for Catholics, number 84, The Who, What, Where, When, Why and How of the IIC Podcast [cue intro music] Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, thank you for being here with me, I am honored to be here with you, and today we are discussing you and me and us and this podcast.  We are going to get all relational as we often do here.  Because this is a relational podcast.  I'm not just a talking head in podcastlandia, I'm a real person, you're a real person and I'm into real relationships.   I am clinical psychological Peter Malinoski and you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast -- the IIC podcast for short).   Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the English-speaking Catholic world through our website soulsandhearts.com.  Check that out, soulsandhearts.com for so many great resources that bring psychology and Catholicism together in a way that is faithful to the truths of our Faith.   Let's get into answering the questions -- the who, what, where, when, why, and how of this podcast.   Who is the IIC Podcast For?  It's for You.  Ideal listener If you have it all together, if you're sky high on life, if you continually leap from one pinnacle of natural excellence to an even higher summit of human greatness, bounding upward, always with grace and precision and a laser focus on perfection -- good for you. I'm happy for you and in awe of you.   But you don't need this podcast.   Let me put it this way.  This podcast is for the Catholic who admits he or she is hurting, struggling, a lost sheep, in need of help. This podcast is for you who are like me, who are very imperfect, wounded, harmed in various ways, who are confused and frustrated, who are weary, who are lonely, who are burdened in different ways.   It's for your parts. we are a unity but also a multiplicity.  We don't have a single, unified, homogenous, monolithic personality.   We have several or many parts, each one with its own personality.  This concept of parts of us is absolutely central to this podcast.  If this idea of parts does not appeal to you, you probably won't like these episodes.  I believe there were two major discoveries in psychology, one at the end of the 19th Century -- the discovery of the unconscious -- Freud popularized that.  And the other near the end of the 20th century -- the discovery of the multiplicity of self which Richard Schwartz popularized.   Definition of part:  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and sense of identity, who you are.  Robert Falconer calls them insiders.  You can also think of them as separate modes of operating if that is helpful.   This podcast is especially for your inner outcasts, those parts of us that you reject -- inner lepers, inner tax collectors, inner Pharisees, inner critics, our inner prostitutes, the untouchables within us, our inner rebels, fugitives, inner vagabonds and bums, our inner abused children.  Our refugees, our inner imprisoned convicts the parts that don't get to see the light of day, the parts that may have never been loved by you or any other human being who walks the face of the earth.   As I've discussed in so many previous episodes, especially Episode 71: A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others -- I firmly believe that the concept of a core self and these several or many parts helps us to make so much more sense of our experiences, helps to explain so much.  And as I laid out in Episode 73, Is IFS Really Catholic, I believe that with some modifications, IFS can be harmonized with our Catholic Faith.   St. Augustine, Confessions “My inner self was a house divided against itself.”  That's parts.   Romans 7:15  I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. It's not just about willpower Romans 7:18b  I can will what is right, but I cannot do it.  This isn't about willpower -- Paul had amazing willpower.  It's not about the intellect.  Its about those two discoveries in psychology -- the unconscious and the fact that we have parts.   Openness and receptivity to learning and growing. This podcast is for you, you, the one who deeply desires an intimate, personal relationship with God and with Mary, even if  you struggle with it You who want to be able to come to God our Spiritual Father and Mary our Spiritual Mother with childlike trust and complete confidence Overcoming your natural-level impediments  Anything that compromises our capacity to relate and love in the natural realm will compromise our capacity to relate and love God and Mary.  Period.  Full stop.   Invested in own human formation, and is motivated to grow Psychologically-minded  Embraces the multiplicity/unity aspects of the human person and wants to relate better with self internally.   Willing to tolerate some suffering -- it will cost you to really engage with these podcasts Attention and concentration  Experiential exercises   Wants to love self in a much more ordered way, overcoming shame, overcoming self-absorption Wants to love others in a much more ordered way Orthodox, practicing  Catholics Willing to sacrifice Let's do the numbers There are 70 million Catholics in the US, 13 million in Canada, 5 million in the UK, and 5 million in Australia. Adding in the Catholics of a few other countries, New Zealand and so on, we can round it to about 100 million English speaking Catholics in the entire world.   The Catholic Man Crisis Fact Sheet (pp. 36-41) and the Catholic marketing agency Fuzati both assert that only about 10% of Catholics are committed to their faith and practice it regularly by frequenting the sacraments, praying, and engaging in parish or other community life.  I think that's generous.  Sherry Weddell who does all kinds of work evangelizing in parishes says that 98% of Catholics have no other contact any with Catholic resources other than their parish.  Let's go with one tenth, though, one tenth are committed Catholics.  One tenth of 100 million leaves 10 million English speaking Catholics committed to the Faith and regularly practicing, taking their faith seriously.  Of those, how many really accept that the unconscious exists, and that it has a huge impact on our internal experience, that it affects us in major, unseen ways.  So many Catholics, especially devout Catholics get really uncomfortable with the power of the unconscious.  They don't want to go there.  They want to believe that most of their inner life is in their conscious awareness.  I'm going to estimate that only 30% of the 10 million English Speaking, practicing, serious Catholics are willing to really embrace the unconscious and its implications.  That leaves us with 3 million Catholics worldwide.   Now how many of those 3 million will accept that we have parts, these little personalities within us, how many will accept that we are both a multiplicity and a unity, how many will resonate?  I think about one third of those.  Parts really make many Catholic uncomfortable -- are you saying, Dr. Peter, that I'm like Sybil, with multiple personalities.  Yes I am.  That's exactly what I am saying.  I'm saying we're all like that, not so disconnected and dissociated as those who have been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, but that multiplicity is within us, we have parts within us.  So one third of 3 million leaves us with 1 million Catholics who might resonate with this podcast.   How many listen to podcasts at least on a monthly basis?  37% of US residents, according to podcasthosting.org's compilation of statistics.    We're down to 370,000.   How many are really committed to human formation?  That are not just looking at the spiritual life, but also at their natural human formation?  Those who really consider the natural realm.  It's not that many.  I figure maybe 10% of those Catholics, and again, that's being generous.  We're down to 37,000.  And how many of those 3700 will find this podcast -- that depends on you, how you spread the word. But let's say that over time, we get to 10%.  We're down to 3,700 potential listeners.  3700 potential listeners.  This is a niche podcast.   We are really a very small percentage of the Catholic population from 100 million to 3,700. We are getting about 4,000 downloads per month.  That's not that many, really.  And our most popular episode had just over 700 downloads total, all-time.   And a download doesn't mean a person actually listened to the podcast.  And some people download the same episode over and over again -- they listen multiple times.   For the last ten episodes that have been up for more than thirty days, we averaged 469 downloads each.  That's not that many!  Transistor.fm, my podcast host, estimates that we have 201 Subscribers, those who listen to each new episode within 24 hours of its release on platforms like Apple Podcast or Spotify.   So we are a niche market.  I'm looking for 3700 out of 100 million English speaking Catholics.  That's .0037 of one percent, or one in 27,000 Catholics.  That's how special you are.  Now maybe I'm underestimating the numbers here. I  hope I am.  You can let me know if you think I'm off base.   Just five days ago, I got this email from a listener and her words capture what I am looking for in those 3700 potential listeners. Here is what she said: First, I just want to share with you that your podcasts (and those of Dr Greg Bottaro) have been earth shattering for me, it's been an absolute revelation in the last 3 months and I can't thank you enough for delving into this 'crying need' to understand ourselves, the mysterious struggle to battle our interior world, and where God (or our image of Him) gets caught in the crossfire.  I realized while listening to several podcasts, they answer nearly everything I experienced for years without even realizing they have names...Until listening to the podcast I was never really open to psychology - I relied and trusted more on a well developed will power to always pull through. It's rather painful to think I could have saved myself a lot of needless angst had I learned about this earlier. I'm very knowledgeable about the Faith and I frequently help others in their own faith but my own issues are hard to combat...the podcast brought all this to the next level.  That is what I want for my listeners.  Real impact, the kind of impact that helps you change your lives.  That's what I am looking for, for you.   So those the qualities of my intended audience -- the who of the six questions This is for you who are a Faithful, orthodox, practicing Catholic -- you who are hurting, struggling, a lost sheep, in need of help.  And you who are invested in your own human formation, willing to accept the unconscious, willing to embrace your inner outcasts, all the parts of you that have been rejected by others, those who may never have been loved by you or your family or any other human being around you.   Openness and receptivity to learning and growing With a willingness to make sacrifices of time, attention, effort.   You who deeply desires an intimate, personal relationship with God and with Mary, even if  you struggle with it. You who want to overcome your natural-level impediments to approaching God our Spiritual Father and Mary our Spiritual Mother with childlike trust and complete confidence Anything that compromises our capacity to relate and love in the natural realm will compromise our capacity to relate and love God and Mary.  Period.  Full stop.   Wants to love self in a much more ordered way, overcoming shame, overcoming self-absorption Wants to love others in a much more ordered way Outer rings -- those who drop in, those who pass by and stay an hour or two with the podcast -- you are welcome. Seekers -- those who want information on a particular topic for themselves or for a loved one -- bipolar disorder, scrupulosity, shame, sexuality, trauma  Take what is helpful to you.   Me -- So we've talked about you, now let's talk about me, just briefly In this podcast, I will never ask you to do something I won't do myself.   I work on myself.  A lot.  Both in the natural realm and in the spiritual realm.  I check in with my parts five to seven times per day.   I have a human formation plan of life I have a spiritual plan of life and a spiritual director Charisms -- exploring these through the Catherine of Siena Institute -- online program Called and Gifted, siena.org, Sherry Wedell founded it decades ago -- impressed with her work.  Jenna Reimersma -- group work IFS grounded in Christianity.   Why am I telling you all this?   Nemo dat quod non habet  You can't give what you don't have.  I can't give you what I don't have.    Lots of discernment going on.  How to guide the podcast, how to guide Souls and Hearts.  I invest in that process of discernment for you.  For you.   Us together Conversation Hours -- every Tuesday and Thursday from 4:30 to 5:30 PM Eastern time.  317.567.9594.  I've taken lots of calls from my committed listeners.  Why?  Because I want to be with you, to be together with you in a deep way.  I want us to actually have a relationship.  I want to know what is going on in your lives.  That connection only makes this podcast better and more relevant to you.   Let's talk about me meeting you where you are at: Will I do that?  Depends on where you are at.  That brings us back to the target audience.  Those are the ones I am called to reach out to.  I'll meet them where there are at with this podcast.  Those for whom there really are not that many resources.   More than that, though I'll meet you where you are at, but I will call you to a higher level of human formation.  Anne Lamott in Traveling Mercies:  The secret it that God loves us exactly the way we are…and that he loves us too much to let us stay like this.   John the Baptist -- went out to the desert, inhospitable places -- the people came to him.   Jesus in John 6:  Discourse on the bread of life -- so many people left John 6:60  Many of his disciples, when they heard it, said, “This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?”   John 6:66 After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer went about with him. He didn't chase them.  He didn't water anything down.  He let them make a choice.   Jesus with the Rich Young Man -- not meeting him where he was at -- calling him to a higher plane, to being one of the original disciples.  Matthew 19:20-22 The young man said to him, “All these I have observed; what do I still lack?” 21 Jesus said to him, “If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me.” 22 When the young man heard this he went away sorrowful; for he had great possessions. Jesus backpedal, did he reel it in, did he soften his position, did he run ahead of the rich young man and try to smooth out the hard road for him.  No he did not.  He addressed his disciples instead.  Let's pick up the narrative in verse 23.   23 And Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly, I say to you, it will be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”  Ripple effect to others.   Now we are going to address the question of What  What is the IIC Podcast all about"  Your need for human formation grounded in a Catholic Anthropology without Apology Not giving up any of the Truths of the Catholic Faith, not surrendering on the smallest point of dogma or dogma, even when it's uncomfortable   Utilizing the best of what modern psychology has to offer Theory  Research  Clinical Experience  Drawing from all of that.   Topics/Themes  All centers around love.  That's the point  Receiving love From yourself  From others  From God, especially God as your primary Father, your Spiritual Father, to heal father wounds  From Mary, especially Mary as your primary Mother, your Spiritual Mother, to heal mother wounds.    Books My Ideal: Jesus Son of Mary, Fr. Emile Neubert  Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence by Fr. Jean Baptist Saint Jure and Saint Claude de la Columbiere   Our spiritual parents are more our parents than our earthly parents, our natural parents God knew that whatever deficits your parents had, whatever wounds they inflicted He had a plan to make up for that  Only allowed the bad things to happen in order to draw greater good from them  Listeners' testimonies -- would not trade their histories now.   Healing can happen on the natural realm, not just the spiritual realm Model of the Human person Multiplicity and Unity  Parts  Loving oneself.   where we take on the toughest topics, the most difficult and raw themes that many people want to avoid. Fulton J. Sheen  “The refusal to take sides on great moral issues is itself a decision. It is a silent acquiescence to evil. The Tragedy of our time is that those who still believe in honesty lack fire and conviction, while those who believe in dishonesty are full of passionate conviction.” Means we use Didactic portion -- a Lecture if you will.   Draws from Secular Sources   Catholic Sources Scripture  Catechism  Lives of Saints   More than two decades of my clinical experience as a Catholic psychologist -- integrating   Story -- dramatization   Literature Quotes  Poetry   Experiential Exercises   What is the goal?   Our Niche:  Solidifying and strengthening our human formation so it can serve as a foundation for a deep, intimate, relational intimacy with God the Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit, and Mary our Mother  Spiritual Parents God our Spiritual Father  Mary our Spiritual Mother   Gaping hole of human formation -- human formation as the natural foundation for the spiritual life St. Thomas Aquinas -- Grace perfects nature.   Human formation just starting to be addressed in seminaries -- human formation emphasized there -- see IIC 63:  Human formation: the critical missing element.   A whole section is devoted to human formation in the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops document entitled "Program of Priestly Formation, Fifth Edition" which came out in 2006.  pages 29-42 Longest and most complete discussion of human formation I could find in an official church document  14 pages -- but no definition of human formation.   What this podcast is not about Not about priests, bishops, popes, spouses, friends, politicians, Catholic celebrities, not about anyone other than you and your internal world and your relationship with yourself, with God and with Mary your spiritual mother  Not about world peace -- it's about inner peace  It's not about current events -- it's about the events in your inner life, your interior life.   It's not about righting wrongs in our families and our neighborhoods, our parishes, our nation, our world -- it's about right wrongs within us.  That's our starting point, that's what gets neglected in our world.   It's not about social justice -- it's about inner justice, about you being just to you, in all your parts.   It's not about mercy to others -- it's about mercy to your own abandoned, needy, condemned, rejected parts.   It's not about evangelizing others -- it's about evangelizing yourself.   It's not about focusing on the problems of any other human being -- it's about you examining you and you connecting with you -- it's about knowing yourself, as Socrates commanded It's about removing the beam from your own eye as your Lord commanded, so you can see more clearly   This is not about being hip and fashionable in the Catholic world.  I'm not some sort of Catholic star or celebrity or social media influencer.  None of these podcast episodes are ever going to go viral on social media.  I'm not good at being hip or fashionable or one of the cool, popular Catholic media kids on the block.  Trying to be like that would make me look like I was trying to dance the Macarena while intoxicated at your cousin's wedding, and that is not a pretty picture.   We're maintaining the focus on you, especially on the hidden parts of you, where most people do not want to go.  There's a reason why we hide parts of ourselves from ourselves.  We want to bring the light. This is not selfishness.  This is not some kind of self-absorbed navel gazing in a psychological day spa where you have cucumber slices over your eyes and white cream on your face and I tell you how wonderful you are and lament with you about how terribly others treated you.  Engaging with this podcast is more like a boot camp that demands humility and courage and boldness and perseverance that the vast majority of people are not going to demonstrate.  If you really go inside you're going to find things you really don't like.  Things that scare you, things that disgust you, things that could upset you.   Freud 1933 the id is a chaos, a cauldron of seething excitement Bessel van der Kolk “As long as you keep secrets and suppress information, you are fundamentally at war with yourself…The critical issue is allowing yourself to know what you know. That takes an enormous amount of courage.”   The Body Keeps the Score Emily Dickenson  One need not be a Chamber — to be Haunted —One need not be a House —The Brain has Corridors — surpassingMaterial Place — Far safer, of a Midnight MeetingExternal GhostThan its interior Confronting —That Cooler Host. Far safer, through an Abbey gallop,The Stones a'chase —Than Unarmed, one's a'self encounter —In lonesome Place — Ourself behind ourself, concealed —Should startle most —Assassin hid in our ApartmentBe Horror's least. The Body — borrows a Revolver —He bolts the Door —O'erlooking a superior spectre —Or More —   This is a hard road people -- really getting to know yourselves. St. Augustine said: “Humility is a virtue by which a man has a low opinion of himself because he knows himself well.”   And there's nothing so distracting as looking at other people -- attributing our difficulties to other people, pointing the finger at other people.   The London Times once sent out an inquiry to famous authors, asking the question, “What's wrong with the world today?” and Chesterton responded simply, “Dear Sir,  I am. Yours, G.K. Chesterton.”  St Augustine  “This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections.”  Where -- let's tackle the where of this podcast Where is this podcast?   Simple asnwer -- it's on all the major podcast players-- Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, Audible, Amazon Podcast, all of them.   It's also on our website:  Soulsandhearts.com/iic.   The more important question -- where in you does this podcast intend to reach?  Where will we work together?   We work in your heart.  Not just head knowledge -- not just intellectual material.  But in your heart.   Luke 10:27 Jesus answered “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” Start with the heart -- in the body, in the natural realm.  Not with the soul.  With the heart.  With the seat of emotions, with the seat of relational experience.  Before the soul, even.  The heart.  Leading with the heart.  And Our Lord insists on the whole of us --all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, all your mind -- all of us.  All of our parts.  we start in your heart but we also will work with your mind and your soul and your body Feeding your mind with groundbreaking new conceptual material -- integrating IFS concepts with a Catholic worldview.   Another where question -- Where does the podcast fit in the broader Church -- where is our corner of the vineyard? I'm going to sum it up with this term -- Inner pre-evangelization.  This podcast's corner of the vineyard is human formation, specifically Inner pre-evangelization.  What do I mean by that?   Let's start with a Definition of Pre-evangelization from Fr. John Hardon's Catholic Dictionary:  Preparation of a person or people to receive the Gospel. The need for such preparation in the modern world arises from the massive neglect of God and things spiritual. "In the past," the Second Vatican Council explains, "it was the exception to repudiate God and religion to the point of abandoning them, and then only in individual cases; but nowadays it seems a matter of course to reject them as incompatible with scientific progress and a new kind of humanism" (Gaudium et Spes, 8). Through the media of social communication, this spirit of unbelief has permeated whole segments of society. Hence the need for predisposing people even to listen to the Gospel, especially in the once Christian affluent cultures of Euro-America.  USCCB National Directory on Catechesis reads as follows:  Pre-evangelization ordinarily builds on basic human needs, such as security, love, or acceptance, and shows how those basic human needs include a desire for God and his word.  Sherry Widdell:  Fruitful Discipleship, p. 63.  Direct pre-evangelization of individuals includes praying for others, building genuine friendships, fostering personal and spiritual trust, hospitality, the witness of your life and vocation, having threshold and spiritual conversations with individuals, asking thought-provoking questions to stimulate spiritual curiosity, and sharing the story what you've seen God do in your own life. So pre-evangelization is all about preparing a person or a community to be able to receive the Gospel. I argue that we need to pre-evangelize ourselves.  Even those of us faithful, practicing Catholics -- we need to go inside and work with our parts.   We don't want shifting natural foundations -- leads to rickety spiritual edifices that are likely to fall down.   I make the case that we have many parts who are separated, who are isolated, who have terrible, toxic God images, who may be terrified of God, raging at God, disappointed in God.  I make the case that we can't just bring God to them without some preliminary work on the natural realm.  This is what I am calling inner pre-evangelization.   Definition time with Dr. Peter.  Inner pre-evangelization is preparing your parts on the natural, human level through your love for them through bringing them into relationship with your core self so that they can better tolerate being loved by God and Mary and heal.  Then, in a much more integrated way, you can love God, Mary, your neighbor and yourself in a much more intimate, deep, full, and complete way.   I know from clinical experience that a client's exiled part often needs to experience the love from the client's core self before that part can be open to the love of God or love from others.   Love your neighbor as yourself.  Luke 10:27.  We need to love ourselves.  We need to love our parts.  As part of that love, we help our parts with human formation.   So where is our corner of the vineyard -- in your heart.  In your human heart, in the natural recesses, the hidden pockets of your heart.   When -- let's ask when.  Monthly Episodes, 60-90 minutes, they come out the first Monday of the Month.   Reducing frequency -- each episode takes 12-15 hours to produce.  That's a lot of time.  But there's another reason, and I'll address it at the end.   Why?  So you and I can walk this pilgrimage through this life to heaven   Life and Death seriousness about this.  Eternal consequences to how we address these human formation issues.   I want you to have Peace, joy, wellbeing. I want you to fulfill your destiny, accepting your identity as a beloved child of God and Mary, a cherished son or daughter of the Most High God and our Lady.   Finding freedom in that identity as a beloved child Responding in love. How Fulton Sheen 1978:  There is a third approach to an electronic audience which will be in the future. It will not always be the direct, nor even the indirect which I used. It is what might be called the ant biological. I do not use this word in the sense of the science of man's beginning. I merely mean it as the roots of the word imply – a study of man. The presentation of religion had been principally from God to man, but now it will be from man to God. It will not start with the order in the universe alluding to the existence of a Creator of the cosmos; it will start with the disorder inside of man himself. It will take all the findings of our psychological age and use them as a springboard for the presentation of Divine Truths.   I often wish that I were younger so that I might use this third approach which I have mentioned namely, starting with the unhappiness inside of the human heart. The audience is always there, the opportunities are ever present. There is need to take hold of tortured souls like Peter, agnostics like Thomas and mystics like John and lead them to tears, to their knees or to resting on His Sacred Heart.  How?  By working with your heart -- the unhappiness within your heart, the restlessness within your heart, the pain, the wounds, the trauma, the burdens that your parts carry.   The Resilient Catholics Community Not long after I started this podcast I started getting dozens of requests every month from listeners asking if I would be their individual therapist.  I've turned away hundreds of people, I don't have the bandwidth to take on so many.   But it led to the question -- How can I help?  How can I go beyond the podcast.  How can I do more?  There's a need here, there has got to be more than the one-way communication of the podcast.  More than just the occasional phone calls and emails.   And not all at once, not suddenly, but gradually it came to me.  We needed a community.  I had a deep sense that I was called to pull some of these 3700 potential listeners together and offer you something that went much deeper, much further, and something that brought us all together.  A community.  And so, last year, the Resilient Catholics Community came into being Who  Who is the Resilient Catholics Community for? It's for the minority of our potential 3700 adult listeners who really love this podcast who get this podcast.  This Podcast is a funnel  Who are so invested in their human formation that they are willing to spend time, money, effort on it  Who want to be with other like-minded Catholics on the journey  Who burn with a desire for a deep, intimate relationship with God and with Mary, a real human, personal connection  And who recognize they have some natural-level impediments to that deep relating  and  who are willing to make sacrifices in time, effort, money, humility and courage to grow in human formation and overcome natural-level impediments to being loved and to loving  Who want to become saints.   Who are willing to be pioneers at the cutting edge in this adventure of human formation.  Really at the tip of the spear, the first explorers of this human formation ground for laymen and laywomen.   Who am I in the RCC  First of all the RCC is My Tribe, my people, bringing together two groups into one First, faithful, orthodox, serious Catholics who are wounded and suffering and know it  And Second, who are psychologically minded (or at least want to be psychologically minded), who believe in the unconscious and who embrace the unity and multiplicity of the human person  And who want to see through the lens of a core self and parts.   I don't want to do this alone.   I've spent a lot of time in these last 84 episode, letting you get to know me, what I think and feel, and who I am as a person. Especially in episode 71 A New and Better Way of Understanding Myself and Others -- I described to you all my parts, all those that I know!   I stay in the natural realm -- preparing the way.  John the Baptist.  Arithmetic before algebra.   Not a spiritual director Not a priest I don't claim to understand how grace is moving in your soul   I don't see myself as a leader, as a shepherd.  I see myself more like an Old English Sheepdog Loud distinctive bark   Independent and Strong willed -- so I need your prayers to be small and humble and childlike and responsive to the touches of our Lord and our Lady.   Adaptable and intelligent, like to learn new things Faithful Good family dog Physically pretty big -- like me.   Sociable Protective Love having fun -- clowns, sense of humor.   What of the RCC The Initial Measures Kit -- which generates the Individual Results Sheet and the Personalized Human Formation Plan -- we've done several of these now, and our members are amazed at the results, how accurately we are in helping them identify their parts and how their parts relate to each other, and the why behind their parts' desires and impulses.   Weekly premium podcast, just for RCC community members -- Inner Connections will be starting soon  A complete course for working on your human formation   Daily check ins with your companion -- accountability and structure Weekly company meetings Office hours with me Conversation hours with me Special resources -- for example in my email communication with Derek Scott, he provided me with a trove of his extra resources on grief in a password protected section of his website that he said RCC members could have access to.  That is so cool.   All this for $99 per month.  And we make it financially possible for anyone who is a good fit for the RCC to join through write-offs and scholarships.  The fees are not the tail that wags the dog.   And there also is opportunities for some parts-based individual coaching as well.   Essentially, the What of the RCC is a pilgrimage together.   The When of the ITC   We will reopen in December for a limited number of new members.  It might 100 new members, we don't want to take on more than we can really be with and effectively work with.   Sign upon the waiting list now -- we already have 58 on the waiting list, go to soulsandhearts.com/rcc and register for the waiting list.  Later this week, I will be sending out the first email with extra resources to waiting list members, to give you a sample of some of the resources in the RCC.    Soulsandhearts.com/rcc to register.   The main reason I am reducing frequency of this podcast from weekly to monthly is so that I can spend more time with the RCC members.  It's that simple.  You RCC members are my people.  I have a very strong call to really invest in my connection with you, in my relationships with you.  I want to be with you on your journey of human formation, on your journey of inner pre-evangelization of your parts.  I want to be with you in this part of your work in the natural realm.   The podcast has already met some of its objectives Evergreen content  Giving you a huge sample of my content, my style and who I am to help you discern if you want to take the next step, which is joining the RCC   The Why of the RCC --  It's all about loving with your whole heart -- all of your being.  Getting over all the natural level issues that hold you back.   So sign up for the waiting list.  We'll go through our list from the earliest to the latest joining members, so your ranking matters if we have to limit enrollment.  Soulsandhearts.com/rcc.  Remember, you as a listener can call me on my cell any Tuesday or Thursday from 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM.  I've set that time aside for you.  317.567.9594.  (repeat) or email me at crisis@soulsandhearts.com.  I want to mention another community for any of you listeners who are Catholic therapists or therapists in training -- If you are really interested in Internal Family System and you want to be with me and other Catholic therapists, working on your human formation with your colleagues, The Interior Therapist Community is for you.  We are finalizing new groups for the fall, so check out all our offerings at soulsandhearts.com/itc.  So tune in next month, on Monday, October 4, 2021 when we will begin our series on perfectionism and scrupulosity.  Several of you have asked me to address those topics, so I will.     Gerry Crete, the cofounder and CEO of Souls and Hearts has a special message for you Catholic men about his community, Catholic Journeymen.  Let's hear from Dr.Gerry:   Invocations of our Lady and St. John the Baptist.   Credit for the Lead in music which is titled Misty Meadow  by George Sundancer at Pixabay.   

Dr. Peter Howard interviews Catholic Clinical Psychologist and founder of SoulsandHearts.com, Dr. Peter Malinoski, on a subject that is given hardly given the attention due to one of the greatest voids in the formation of Catholics -- namely, "human" formation. What exactly is it and why is it so important? And what does the Fulton Sheen Institute have planned to help fill this formation gap? Enjoy this informative conversation and, more importantly, take immediate action in incorporating this human formation and personal development in your life today. It's the difference between surviving and thriving in these challenging times.

Join me for a deep exploration of the ways our parts process grief in healthy ways, the back-and-forth alternating between focusing on the loss and looking at restoration.  Guided by the work of IFS therapist and author Derek Scott and by using a dramatized example of loss with resulting grief, we will explore the internal interactions among our parts that lead to such a multifaceted experience of grief.  We also examine the two paths of grief that Catholics can choose.   Lead-In  Intro -- activation warning What you are about to hear is a fictional dramatization of a car accident and Brian Moreland's internal reactions -- the reactions of his parts - to that accident and its effects on him over time.   Listen with care and prudence -- if you have unresolved trauma responses surround a car accident, please be thoughtful about whether or not to continue.   News Story:  [Insert News Intro music]:   And now out to James Fieldler, our roving KDTT reporter, coming to us live from the scene of a terrible accident earlier this evening, a really difficult story that we have been following for you.  James – what do you have for us? [background traffic and rain and truck backing]  Terry, I am here just off the shoulder of I-94 Westbound, about  four miles west of Miles City, near mile marker 142.  Earlier this evening, an eastbound Ford pickup crossed the median into oncoming westbound traffic, striking a Honda Odyssey minivan at full speed and sending it careening through the guardrail, and rolling down this shallow embankment.   In that minivan were a 37-year old man, a  33 year old woman, and four children ranging from about 9 to two years old.  From this angle, you can see how damaged this minivan was, nearly crushed as they are winching it up onto the wrecker.  Montana State police have just confirmed this was a fatal accident, that one of the children, about five years old has died of massive head injuries.  The man and two of the children have been airlifted to St. Alexius Trauma Center in Bismarck, no word on their condition right now.  That is tragic, James.  What do we know about the others, James? Terry, we have some good news, too.  The woman was able to walk away from the wreck.  EMTs used the jaws of life to break open the back of the van and rescue the other two children, who have also been transported by ambulance to Bismarck.  The  45-year old driver the pickup was shaken up and was taken to Holy Rosary Hospital in Miles City, apparently with minor injuries.  No one else was in the truck.   What do we know about the cause? The investigation is ongoing. As you can see, driving conditions were also difficult –  the rain coming down here.  There is some question about driver fatigue in the driver of the truck.  No word yet on any charges that might be filed, but it's likely.  A source told me that the pickup driver's license had been revoked for a second DUI.  There is no official word yet on whether alcohol or drugs were involved in this crash.   Thank you, James, and we will continue to follow this story for you.  Our hearts and thoughts go out to all those involved in the crash, we wish them a rapid recovery.  Now on to Jeff Springer with sports, and the surprising finish to the Griz's matchup with the Idaho State Bengals.  Jeff, tell us what happened at Washington-Grizzly stadium today in the rain? [Cut to Intro Music Intro We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.   We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com  Today's episode, number 83 is entitled The Internal Dance of Healthy Grief and it's released on August 30, 2021  Heard a reenacted story about Brian Moreland, and I'll be bringing that story in throughout todays episode to add depth and examples to the concepts  Review: I encourage you to review the last episode, number 82 -- the many faces of grief inside us.  That episode goes over what happens to our parts when we experience grief? The experiences I'm about to describe are not the parts themselves.  Definition of a part --  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own understanding of self.   More than just one factor  More than just one emotion, more than just one desire or impulse  Rather -- a whole constellation of these qualities that endure over time, even if the part is not in conscious awareness in the moment.   Adapted Dual Process Model of Bereavement Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut originally the DPM in 1999 Death Studies article called The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description   Derek Scott -- IFS Therapist, author and expert on grief adapted this model in his article Grief and IFS: Mapping the Terrain -- check that out at his website ifsca.ca two clusters of parts, two groups of parts.   one focused the loss -- looking back to the past, looking at what happened. One cluster of parts focused on  -- looking toward restoration -- looking to the future, managing the demands of life now.   Let's expand on these two clusters.   one cluster is oriented towards the loss -- those are the parts that IFS Therapist and Author Derek Scott introduced to us in the last episode.   Focus on experiencing grief  Managers Disbelief  Numbness  Sadness  Guilt  Spiritual Bypassing Exiles Depression  Missing/yearning  Protest (anger)  Guilt  Powerlessness/despair/resignation.   Shame the other cluster towards restoration -- These are new parts.   dealing with the new complexities in life for the bereaved that are occasioned by the loss Readjusting to the new reality -- conforms to Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stage of acceptance and Colin Parkes' phase of reorganization and recovery Activities Attending to life changes  New roles, new relationships  Distraction from grief  Avoidance of grief   The dual process model of coping with bereavement (DPM) identifies (from an IFS perspective) contends that these two models (clusters) oscillate as the mourning proceeds.  It's the oscillation, moving back and forth between the morning and grieving on the one hand and the restoration and moving forward on the other hand that allows for reestablishment of a new, healthy normal.   the grieving individual at times confronts, at other times avoids, the different tasks of grieving.  This model argues the need for dosage of grieving, that is, the need to take respite from dealing with either of these stressors, as an integral part of adaptive coping. This oscillation is very familiar to the IFS therapist as affect-laden parts may occupy the attention of the client, then pragmatic protectors may hold the floor to afford a break from the intensity of the other parts.  The dance between the loss-oriented cluster of parts and the restoration oriented cluster of parts tends to be initially weighted towards the loss. Over time the restoration cluster of parts will become more prominent as the client lives into what may be considered to be the "new normal".   Parts of Brian  So to illustrate, let's pick up the story with Brian Moreland, the father of the family, now at the trauma hospital in Bismarck.  Brian has been awake for the last two hours as the effect of his sedatives has worn off… These are his manager parts. Disbelief -   Hospital Sounds, Doctor giving news Door open, door close HI Brian, they told me you're awake and asking questions.  I'm Dr. Phillip Marzone, neurologist here at St. Alexius Trauma Center,  We've transported you back to Bismarck.  You've had a cranial fracture, some coup-contrecoup symptoms, some mild brain swelling and you've had a concussion.  You been sedated and unconscious for about 24 hours, but neurologically you are stabilizing.  Your scans look good for what you've been through and they're getting better.  It's still early so there are no guarantees, but there's reason to be hopeful for a full recovery.  Minor fracture of your left tibia, a lot of bruising, but you were lucky, given the seriousness of that accident.   How is Jessica?  How are my kids? I know you have a lot of questions.  I totally get that. there's a lot to catch up on.  Your wife is fine, she's been released with only minor injuries.  Same thing with Amy, your daughter.  Ben had a broken clavicle and his shoulder is going to need reconstructive surgery.  A couple of pins and he's going to be fine, we have a great orthopedic team here that are going to see him through.  Your toddler Audra had a broken femur and a broken arm and some bruising, but she'll be fine, we'll release he in a few days, she's been asking for you.   What about Jeffy -- my four year old, what about him -- Jeffy, my four year old son?  Brian that was a massive wreck.  I'm surprised you and your family came out of it as well as you did, that's something to be thankful for.  But Jeff -- Mr. Moreland, you som didn't make it.  He died instantly of extensive head trauma.  There was nothing anyone could do for him.  [Phone Ring] I've got to go, I'm called to the spinal cord unit stat.  This is a lot to take in, let's not go too fast with it.  Let us know if you want a grief counselor or a chaplain.  We can send them to you.  [cue door closing] From one of Brian's protectors, who is using disbelief as a way to cope with the immediate intensity of the loss -- buying him time, softening the blow so that he is less overwhelmed with the implication.  Let's listen to this Disbelieving Protector.  No, this can't be true, this can't have happened.  Jeffy is not dead.  Jeffy did not die.  There has to be a mistake.  Doctors make mistakes.  It happens all the time.  It's OK.  He's not dead.   Numbness --  This clip give you a sense of how a numbing protector comes in to deaden the intensity of his memory of the accident.  We'll be entering into Brian's experience as he flashes back to the accident and then a part of him numbs him out. [flashback sounds -- accident, screaming just a low pitched hum]  Depression/sadness  A later, a manager part is dealing with the sadness, starting to experience the sadness of the loss.  Let's listen to how that part might sound.  Jeffy is dead. My boy, my son.  My beautiful boy. Jeffy. I love you.  Spiritual Bypassing;    John Welwood 1984  "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks."   Here is a manager using spiritual bypassing to try to stabilize Brian's system.  Let's listen as it takes over and runs his system.  OK, OK.  God knows what's best here, just accept it, Jeffy is dead, but it's OK, Jeffy is in heaven among the saints.  He's little St. Jeffy.  It's OK.  Everything's OK.  And I've still got Jess, Amy Ben, and Tim with me.  We'll make it.  We are just going to move on from here on out, not looking back, just keeping our eyes on Jesus.   Let's take a look at some of Brian's Exiles in the loss-oriented cluster Missing/yearning   Oh my son.  I want to hug you one more time, just one more time.  Jeffy.  I miss you so much my son, I can hardly go on living without you.   Protest (anger)  O my God, Jeffy's dead, you took him from me, oh my God, why did you do this to me, I'll never see Jeffy again. Why did you do this to me?  How am I supposed to live on when he's dead, my boy is dead, he was only four years old, God, Mr. Omniscient Being, do have any idea of what you've done here?  How is this just?  How is this loving, Mr. Almighty God who supposedly loves us with an infinite love.  What a crock of ----.   Guilt I froze for an instant, just an instant, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, I should have hit the brakes immediately and spun hard right, I could have broken through the guardrail and went down the embankment, that would have been so much better than the head-on, I could have avoided the head-on collision.   If we would have left a few minutes later, if I hadn't been in such a hurry to get out so that we could catch the end of the game, we would not have been there when the pickup crossed over…   Powerlessness/despair/resignation. There was nothing I could do.  There was nothing anyone could have done.  The guy was drunk, it happened so fast, there was no way I could have avoided him.     Shame:  This happened because I'm not the father I should be.  I've never been the father I should be to Jeffy, or the other kids.  I'm too broken, too wounded, so inadequate.  Just like my father,  I turned out just like my old man, in spite of swearing up and down I would never be like him.   the other cluster towards restoration dealing with the new complexities in life for the bereaved that are occasioned by the loss  Readjusting to the new reality -- conforms to Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stage of acceptance and Colin Parkes' phase of reorganization and recovery   Activities Attending to life changes  -- Manager part that is focused on the future.  Let's hear what it has to say.  Jess and I really worked well together on replacing the Odyssey.  Buying cars has always been a painful process for me, but this time we did it together and it went really smoothly.   New roles, new relationships, continuing bonds. It's a beautiful thing. Amy and I are taking run every night together -- she's wants to be distance runner like I was.  And we can talk.  She's 13 and she wants to spend time with me.  And I'm reading to Audra every night, and soon she'll get her casts off.  So good to spend time with the kids.  And Tim and I play chess.  How he laughed when he beat me for the first time, and I wasn't throwing the game, either.  And Jess and I are pulling together in a whole new new way.  Distraction from grief   The Grizzlies are taking on the University of Northern Colorado --  The Griz is going to crush the Bears Saturday at home in Missoula.  They will blow them out, the Bears won't have a chance.  That will be a good game.  Jimmy and Dave can come over, we'll make a night of it.  Jess has offered to make us tacos.  That will be great.   Avoidance of grief -- I'm not ready to go to Jeffy's gravesite yet.  It's not time.  Not yet.  Someday I will go, but not yet.     Compassion Heals: An IFS perspective on Bereavement -- From Derek Scott.   Compassion heals. Bringing compassion to another invites their compassion for their own parts  The more significant the loss, the more profound the disruption to the system The system responses to the loss may be manager led, firefighter driven or characterized by erupting exiles The protective system may be in disarray and unable to function normally; resulting in the client feeling particularly vulnerable The protective system may become entrenched because of the perceived threat from or to the exiles  Present loss experiences may trigger parts connected to former loss events seeking healing  Unburdening parts in the loss cluster will facilitate healing and greater resiliency in terms of subsequent losses Advantages of IFS-informed understandings of grief  Two episodes ago in Episode 81, we looked at the stage and phase models of grief trajectories Elisabeth Kubler Ross' five stages of grief DABDA -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.   Colin Parkes' model Shock and numbness, yearning and searching, disorganization and despair, reorganization and recovery How the empirical trajectory of grief didn't support a linear progression through the stages or phases Still valuable in describing experiences at a moment in time The myth of the unified, homogenous, monolithic personality really compromises our ability to understand grief.   Identity Issues -- not as often address Low self-esteem  Who am I now, that I am no longer married?  I am a widower   And in this episode, we looked at the internal dance of our parts -- how parts weave and move, some more prominent in some moments, other parts more prominent in other moments, alternating between address the loss on the one hand and, on the other hand, moving into the future, into a new normal, the process of restoration and renewal.   And why, again?  Why are we doing this?  In order to increase our capacity to love.  That's why.  To be able to understand ourselves and others in grief in more than one dimension, in more than two dimensions, but in five dimensions, as we discussed in the last episode, Episode 82 -- The Many Faces of Grief Inside Us.   Final thought from Derek Scott  --  Grief has its own timetable. There is a lot of wisdom in the system regarding when to allow access to affect-laden parts. There are, of course, frustrated, impatient parts that want it to be "over" so that the system can return to normal functioning. There may also be postponing managers (see "complicated grief”). Respecting protective parts saying, "We're not going there now" and asking them about their concerns, as well as when would be a good time to "go there "and what would need to change to allow access provides us with an understanding of how to best work with the system. Being patient  Accepting all parts as they are, where they are.  That does not mean we endorse all of their impulses or desires.  Check out Episode 66  Acceptance vs. Endorsement: A Critical Difference in Catholic Marriages.   Lots of gratitude for Derek Scott's work on IFS and Grief.  Check out his work at IFSCA.CA.  Dana Arcuri, Sacred Wandering: Growing Your Faith In The Dark:  “For those struggling with grief, there's no timetable. It can last months, years, or longer. There is no rush. Give yourself permission to take however long it may be to fully heal from your loss.”   Catholic aspects of Grief  Two Paths Grief is the price we pay for loving  One Path -- Away from love -- too much pain, too much vulnerability, too much suffering, self-protection.   Leads to bitterness, anger, coldness, distance.   I will never love again There is no way I can see this loss as a good thing, as a gift.  Unmitigated evil, no good in it.   Second Path Deeper intimacy - reinvesting even more deeply in relationships  We may have to really take on God.  Challenge Him wrestle with him.   Challenge our God image issues Break out of our comfort zones Realizing that being hurt by loss is not the same as being harmed by loss.  We will feel pain.   Positive aspects of grief -- we don't want to be pollyannish about grief, but we don't want to be overly pessimistic either.   Melissa Cultraro:  The Upside Of Loss: How My Mum's Death Made Me A Better Person Quote:  But here's the thing: Losing my mum as a teen helped me discover a drive and joy in myself that I never thought I had. Grieving isn't solely about pain and suffering, I've learned. Sometimes there's an upside to loss.   Quotes:   Shauna L Hoey “Heartache purged layers of baggage I didn't know I carried. Gifts hide under the layers of grief.”  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross:  The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.   Bereavement is a universal and integral part of our experience of love. It follows marriage as normally as marriage follows courtship or as autumn follows summer. – C.S. Lewis Field of Post-Traumatic Growth -- looking at the upside, the benefits of adverse life events, of traumas  Richard Tedeschi, Lawrence Calhoun  1996 article in the Journal of Traumatic Stress Introduced the Posttraumatic Growth Inventory  Summarized research in the field from the 1980s and 1990s that documented at least some positive impact resulting from negative events -- rape, incest, bereavement,  cancer, HIV infection, heart attacks, natural disasters, combat, and the Holocaust.   Five Factors Relating to others Improved personal relationships and increased pleasure derived from being around people we love.  New Possibilities Embracing new opportunities – both at the personal and the professional fronts.  Personal Strength Increased emotional strength and resilience.   Spiritual Change Greater spiritual connection. A better understanding of spiritual matters  Stronger religious faith.   Appreciate of Life A heightened sense of gratitude toward life altogether.     Romans 8:28 -- lynchpin.   Separates those who adapt well from those who don't Meaningless universe vs. meaning, purpose, growth, mission. But not spiritual bypassing What is our source or security?  In attachment language, what is our secure base Grief and loss may show us what we have overvalued in our lives -- career, health, even some of our relationships, at the expense of the most important things.  Love.  .  All that is human is finite.  The reality of death.   God sometimes takes away our false bases of security, reveals to us their limitations CS Lewis:  Pain is God's megaphone.  Not because God is a sadist, enjoys watching people suffer.   Experiential Exercise on Grief  Creating Space Exercise  Invitation Use these exercises as they are helpful to you.   Starting with the basics here.   New for some Helpful review for others All of this is invitations, suggestions -- no commands, no orders to do anything  Some of these invitations or suggestions are likely to be helpful.  Some might not be.   Take what is useful and helpful to you, and you can leave the rest behind.   It's up to you, you get to decide.   You're free to stop at any time.   Quiet, safe place all unnecessary electronics silenced if that's ok with you. -- phones, screens, TV, all that off for now, except what you're using to listen to this.  Doors closed   Comfortable position Seated comfortably or lying down  Can shift around, can move, whatever seems to suit you.   We begin to just notice what's going on inside  May be new for you -- to really notice what's happening in the body Body is good -- God created us, body and soul, we are embodied beings, body and soul composites  Genesis 1:31 -- just after making Adam's body out of the clay of the earth, and fashioning Eve's body from Adam's rib, breathing live into them, animating their bodies with their immortal souls, And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.  Can help to close eyes if that seems ok.   Noticing what's going on in your body  What is drawing your attention? Warmer vs. colder  Tingling sensation  Feeling of clothing touching your skin  Your breath -- inhaling and exhaling  Contact with the furniture  Watch on your wrist, glasses   Or maybe the sensations are deeper Something with your stomach  Tension your shoulders or back  Might be aches or pains somewhere   You might experience distractions -- that's ok, very common. See if you can just gently allow your attention to go back to your body sensations -- not wanting for foce anything here.   Whatever you're sensing in your body, wherever you're sensing it, we're just noticing it.   Accepting that the body sensation is there.  Giving it space within you to exist.  Because it's going on right now.   We are just being present with that sensation And maybe you can be curious about it.  Get interested in it.  So often we assume so much about our body sensations, we don't really notice them, see them, experience them as they are.   Really getting to know what is happening within our bodies.   Sensations may change.   Can follow the changes -- there might be a relaxation of intensity as you're noticing and interested in the body sensation -- maybe there's not a need for so much intensity if you are now paying attention.   Noticing a different part of your body.   Continuing to be with your body.   Deepening the connection with your body.  Might find out fascinating things, just by attending and noticing Thanksgiving for your body.   Gratitude for a time and space to connect more deeply with your body.   Psalm 139:14:  I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works   And now, keeping the good things we've discovered, I gradually invite you back to regular awareness of your environment outside of you as well, back to regular consciousness.   Grief Exercise  Noticing how accepting you are right now about grief -- open, curious -- maybe even a position of thankfulness for grief? Or something in the way?  Maybe a part of you that is worried about grief, or has concerns about connecting.  Contracting for not overwhelming   And if this is what your experiencing Take time to work with those protectors.   Grief might be the major thing inside you right now -- the major trailhead -- for some it is, for others not.   Never want to force an agenda in this kind of work.   As I say the word "Grief" what happens in your body.  Is there a part of your body that seems connected with grief?  That has some association with grief -- notice that>  Be with that.  Witness what that part of your body might want to share with you about the grief that it holds or that it experienced, or that it knows something about.   With calmness, compassion, connection with our parts.  Your core self leading you.  How recollected are you -- anything taking you out of your window of tolerance?   Noticing Go as far as seems right and good right now.  Permission of protectors   Witnessing Body sensations  Emotions  Images  Memories  Beliefs  Thought  Intentions  Desires  Attitudes  Impulses   Gratitude to parts for what they've shared, what they have allowed you to experience and to learn, for allowing themselves to be better know, even if it's just a little bit.   Can work on this later -- in your check-ins with parts -- morning and evening.  Following up on trailheads  Might be good to make a few notes.   Next Episode, Episode 84, we are going to get into who this podcast is really for and what this podcast is all about.  I've been reflecting on the mission of this podcast, the purpose of this podcast, and you.  Yes, you.  I've been thinking about all our listeners, and doing some deep discernment, not only about this podcast but also about the communities that have grown up around it -- the Resilient Catholics Community and the Interior Therapist Community.  I do want to let you know now that my discernment has led me to, starting in September, reduce podcast frequency to once per month, the first Monday of the month.  Tune in next week to find out all the whys and wherefores for that.   Action Items Catholic Mental Health professionals -- work with  me in the Interior Therapist Community at Souls and Hearts -- find out how you can join one of my therapist groups, which are starting in September, we are finalizing groups this week, so if you've been on the fence, get in touch,  The ITC is all about working on your human formation, informed by Internal Family Systems and solidly based in our Catholic Faith.  Find all the details at soulsandhearts.com/itc.  Email me with questions at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or call me on my cell at 317.567.9594 to find out how we can work together!   Resilient Catholic Community at Souls and Hearts, grew up around my podcast Integration for Catholics If you are committed to this podcast, and especially if you resonated with the experiential exercise in today's episode, I want you to learn about the Resilient Catholics community.  Come with me, come with us -- be a pioneer together with us on this pilgrimage.  Come with us, join us on this adventure on this hard road to life.  soulsandhearts.com/rcc-- read about it, check it out,   lots more experiential exercises, office hours, a companion for daily connection, weekly small group work in your company, your own personalized human formation plan, tailored to your individual needs and based on your responses to our initial measures kit.   registration is open each year in June and December soulsandhearts.com/rcc.  Registration will open again on December 1, but you can join our waiting list now at soulsandhearts.com/rcc.   51 have already on the waiting list.  And I will be writing those on the waiting list from time to time, checking in with updates and special gifts, and being on the waiting list does not obligate you to join in December.   I want to hear from you Conversation hours T, R 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM  eastern time 317.567.9594  Pray for me and for the other listeners   Patroness and Patron

In this episode, we talk about: A practical exercise in connecting to a part;  How we can “show up” to our different parts;  Hearing and healing different parts of ourselves;  Dr. Greg's own experience of the guided exercise;    Resources mentioned or relevant: Interior Therapist Community;  Souls and Hearts;  Interior Integration for Catholics podcast;  Internal Family Systems Model (IFS);  Dr. Greg's new model of treatment - https://www.iddmentor.com;  The Catholic Mindfulness Virtual Retreat;  Consecration to Jesus through St. Joseph;  To find out how Dr. Greg's team can help you, click here. To read the CatholicPsych blog, click here. For resources from the CatholicPsych Institute, click here. If there is a topic or a question you would like Dr. Greg to address, please email your request to beinghuman@catholicpsych.com! We would love to hear from you. Rate, review, and subscribe Please help us in our mission to integrate the Faith with Psychology by hitting subscribe and also sharing this podcast with your friends. Please consider rating or leaving a review of our show. It helps us reach other Catholics just like you who want to become more integrated, whole, and happy human beings. For Apple podcasts, click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate 5 stars, and choose “write a review”. Then type your sincere thoughts about the show! If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now!

Through a dramatic representation, quotes, and examples, I walk you through how six dimensions of what it means for you to love yourself and others.  By bringing in the pioneering work of IFS therapist Derek Scott, we will explore how different parts within you respond to grief and loss in so many different ways.   Lead in: Lead-in Intro  Letter  Ron's reactions   Intro We are together in this great adventure, this podcast, Interior Integration for Catholics, we are journeying together, and I am honored to be able to spend this time with you.   I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic and together, we are taking on the tough topics that matter to you.   We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.    Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com  Today's episode, number 82 is entitled "The Many Faces of Grief Inside Us  and it's released on August 23, 2021  Heard a reenacted story about Ronald and Vivian Meerkamp, and I'll be using that clip throughout todays episode to add depth and examples to the concepts  In the last episode, Episode 81, we broached There is so much misinformation out there about grief.  So many myths, so many misconceptions to clear up.  Why is that?  We're going to answer that question with the professional research, the best of psychological theory, with Scripture, with poetry, with examples and with quotes to help you understand the experience of grief -- your grief and the grief of others.   Why should we learn about grief?  Earl Grollman sums it up like this: Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.  If we love, we will grieve.  Part of loving well is grieving well.   If we flee from grief, we will also flee from love.    You can't love without eventually grieving   Last episode, I mentioned how our understanding of grief can be limited by assuming we have a single, homogenous monolithic personality. Today I'm going to share with you a much deeper and richer way to understand grief. From Episode 72 What Keeps You from Loving?  Is it Really Only Your Vices?  Discussion of Dimensions of Understanding Others or Ourselves.  -- We will get into that more today.  0 Dimensions -- single point in space -- geometry, no dimensionality.  Personalizing it -- you are nothing to me.   No separate identity, not even really human, invisible -- the person doesn't exist for you.   “Love is not cold and what is cold is not love.” ― Marty Rubin  “Science may have found a cure for most evils; but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -- the apathy of human beings.”― Helen Keller  “Indifference is more truly the opposite of love than hate is, for we can both love and hate the same person at the same time, but we cannot both love and be indifferent to the same person at the same time.” ― Peter Kreeft, Prayer For Beginners  Examples: Emotional detachment:  Ron -- fear of loss.    1 Dimension -- line   Only one quality -- very self-referential, the person in orbit around me and my needs.   Often only a functional dimension, or not meeting a function “That politicians   who smiled at us and kissed our babiesblue eyes shining with triumphwell knew we were fallinginto our graveskicked by themas they countedour votes.”― Alice Walker, Taking the Arrow Out of the Heart  “What we do see depends mainly on what we look for. ... In the same field the farmer will notice the crop, the geologists the fossils, botanists the flowers, artists the colouring, sportsmen the cover for the game. Though we may all look at the same things, it does not all follow that we should see them.” ― John Lubbock, The Beauties of Nature and the Wonders of the World We Live in  For Vivian:  In her pain and loneliness, part of her takes over reduces Ron to one dimension:  cold, distant, ignores me -- reduces Ron to one dimension -- in order to protect herself from him.   For Ron blended with his angry part who is protecting him from agonizing pain from abandonment:  Vivian is a Betrayer -- She betrayed me, she is a traitor, a backstabber, she hurts me.   Still very personalized, very self-referential 2 Dimensions -- plane -- starts to be a little Less personal, less self-referential Cardboard Cutout-- person has a shape, not well understood.   Ron ignores me and is self absorbed.  But it's because of his job.  He shuts down emotions because of what he sees as a detective “It is a well-worn truth that cops grow callous, a cliché so tattered that it is even common on television. All cops face things every day that are so gruesome, brutal, and bizarre that no normal human being could deal with them on a daily basis and stay sane. And so they learn not to feel, to grow and maintain a poker-faced whimsy toward all the surprising things their fellow humans find to do to each other. All cops practice not-feeling, and it may be that Miami cops are better at it than others, since they have so many opportunities to learn.”  Jeff Lindsay, Dexter is Delicious   Vivian is a betrayer and a traitor.  But she's misguided -- she's reacting out of ignorance and emotion and because she doesn't understand me.  3 Dimensions -- taking into account much more of the person, providing a more complete snapshot of a moment in time  Person has A whole internal world  Many dimensions  Many competing values at one time.  Needs -- attachment needs and integrity needs  Emotions  Belief.   Thought  Intentions  Desires  Attitudes  Impulses.  relationships  Maybe even multiple points of view inside at the same time.  With conflicts and polarizations inside -- Vivian is betraying me and harming me and she's misguided, reacting out of ignorance and emotion, but she also really loves our kids.  And she's good at her job.  Vivian has mixed reactions to me.   4 Dimensions -- out of basic geometry now and into physics.  The four dimension is physics assesses an object's position in time.  Analogy to a person's position in time.   Dynamism of the person in time. She can be one way in one moment and another way in another moment  Realization of an experiential history -- that informs how she has come to be who she is now   Vivian has been miserable for a long time.  This has been building up. Vivian reacts to me differently at different times.   The future for us might not look like it does right now.   Ron ignores me and he is self-absorbed because of his job.  But he has choses his job over me.  He's afraid he's too damaged to do any other kind of work.  He's locked in.   5th Dimension --  dimension unseen by humans where the forces of gravity and electromagnetism unite in an elegant and powerful theory of the fundamental forces Like a shift from black and white to color -- like in the Wizard of OZ    Understanding the other person in terms of self and parts -- unity and multiplicity Part of her is miserable -- part of her wants to stay in relationship   If you really love someone, you love all of them, all of their parts.  Not just the parts of them that you like, that you find gratifying or useful, that float your boat for one reason or another.  You don't pick and choose -- oooo, this is an appealing bit of you, I like it that you compliment me and make me feel good, I'll take that in and love that, but parts of you carrying grief, your pain your loss  -- no time for that.  You just keep that to yourself.   Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches “I find I am constantly being encouraged to pluck out some one aspect of myself and present this as the meaningful whole, eclipsing or denying the other parts of self.”   6th Dimension -- no longer in just the natural world.   Seeing him as a beloved Child of God through the eyes of Faith, as God sees him.   Fearfully and wonderfully made, bearing God's image and likeness.   Intrinsically good, ontologically good, good in her essence.   Requires supernatural grace Three Dimensional Chess What we covered last time in Episode 81 Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving Introduction to Derek Scott Derek Scott is a registered Social Worker with 35 years of experience and certified IFS therapist with an online practice based near Toronto, Canada.  He is the founder of Internal Family Systems Counselling Association, IFSCA, an organization dedicated to bringing awareness of the IFS model to counselors and therapists in Canada and internationally. Stepping Stone: 16 week Comprehensive IFS course --  I  recommend that as a great option, especially for those who can't get in to IFS Level 1 training.   Number of publications in the area of grief and Internal Family Systems.  And he is no stranger to grief in his own life, so he can speak from experience.   Relying heavily on his article Grief and IFS: Mapping the Terrain  What happens to parts when we experience grief? The experiences I'm about to describe are not the parts themselves.  Definition of a part --  Separate, independently operating personalities within us, each with own unique prominent needs, roles in our lives, emotions, body sensations, guiding beliefs and assumptions, typical thoughts, intentions, desires, attitudes, impulses, interpersonal style, and world view.  Each part also has an image of God and also its own understanding of self.   More than just one factor  More than just one emotion, more than just one desire or impulse  Rather -- a whole constellation of these qualities that endure over time, even if the part is not in conscious awareness in the moment.   Like the characters inside of Riley in the Pixar moving "Inside Out" The red anger character also had a full personality -- he was not just an angry mood -- he had beliefs, assumptions, intentions, desires, thoughts, impulses and an interpersonal style that were characteristically and uniquely his own.   Managers who present with disbelief  numbness  Depression  Guilt  Spiritual bypassing Exiles who present with Sadness  Missing/yearning  Protest (anger)  guilt  powerlessness/despair/resignation  Shame Common Exiles and Affect-laden parts Derek Scott:  When I am talking about exiles here I am not assuming that there is a part that is “only” sad or   guilty etc, but that the part leads with that feeling. Remember, parts are like complete personalities --many dimensions Some dimensions are more prominent than others.   Definition of Exiles most sensitive -- these exiles have been exploited, rejected, abandoned in external relationships  They have suffered relational traumas or attachment injuries  They hold the painful experiences that have been isolated from conscious awareness to protect the person from being overwhelmed with the intensity.  They desperately want to be seen and known, to be safe and secure, to be comforted and soothed, to be cared for and loved  They want rescue, redemption, healing  And in the intensity of their needs and emotions, they threaten to take over and destabilize the person's whole being, the person's whole system  And they threaten to harm external relationships  Burdens they carry:  Shame, dependency, worthlessness, Fear/Terror, Grief/Loss, Loneliness, Neediness, Pain, lack of meaning or purpose, a sense of being unloved and unlovable, inadequate, abandoned,  Examples of what exiles carry in grief.  Sadness  -- parts that carry unresolved sadness from childhood. parents dismiss or minimize the experience of losing a pet, or moving house, or changing school, divorce etc, parts that experience the distress become exiled protectors may mimic the parental injunctions to ignore the agitation in the system. I had sadness for breakfast.  Andy Milonakis Vivian Ron -- Sadness -- expressed behaviorally, crying, not feeling.  Body reactions.   Missing/yearning -- Just want what has been lost to come back Parts under six years of age don't recognize the permanence of loss -- why can't I have it back?  Example of blend with a missing/yearning part:  Virginia Woolf  To the Lighthouse:  “To want and not to have, sent all up her body a hardness, a hollowness, a strain. And then to want and not to have- to want and want- how that wrung the heart, and wrung it again and again! Feeling of emptiness, incompleteness -- a void within.   Fernando Pessoa, The Education of the Stoic  -- example of what can happen when an exile floods with a sensation of a void:  “At first I felt dizzy - not with the kind of dizziness that makes the body reel but the kind that's like a dead emptiness in the brain, an instinctive awareness of the void.”  Viviaxxxn -- familiar -- yearning for companionship --  Trying to tell herself that Ron wasn't capable, no capacity, too damaged to fill her yearning.   Replacement for God.   Protest (anger) Reaction to perceived injustice.  This is not right!   May be deemed unacceptable and displaced to a safer person or to a situation. e.g. anger toward the deceased  Anger toward someone I need and fear  Women may be more likely to be socialized into rejecting their own anger -- good girls, or not wanted to be seen as scolds or shrews or bitches   “The anger welled inside me, with nowhere to go. I could feel it eating away at me. I knew if I didn't find a way to release it, it would destroy me.” ― Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl, Sublimes creatures  Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Ange l“There was something peculiarly gratifying about shouting in a blind rage until your words ran out. Of course, the aftermath was less pleasant. Once you'd told everyone you hated them and not to come after you, where exactly did you go?” Guilt   Goes back to childhood:   Children's guilt can be so huge in relation to the crime (“I stole my brother's candy bar and blamed the dog”) Peeing outside “I've got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.” ― D.D. Barant, Dying Bites  powerlessness/despair/resignation parts recognise that we are powerless to change the reality of attaching and losing and that   loss is certain and inevitable -- heavy burden, other parts not able to handle that Fantasies of omnipotence -- service of feeling safe and secure.   Now what? “I had the feeling deep in my gut that there'd been lines I should have spoken, gestures I should have made, that would have made things better. But looking back, I didn't know what they were. As a friend, I was pretty much useless, apparently.” ― Megan Crewe, Give Up the Ghost  Shame Episodes 37-49 -- long series on shame  Shame is:  a primary emotion, a bodily reaction, a signal,  a judgement, and an action.   Deep sense of fundamental inadequacy, irreparable brokenness, unhealable woundedness, intrinsic badness, fundamental unworthiness.  Differs from guilt.  Guilt:  I did something bad.  Shame.  I am bad.  Managers Present First -- disbelieving and numbing These are the proactive protector parts.  They work strategically, with forethought and planning to keep in control of situations and relationships to minimize the likelihood of you being hurt.  They work really hard to keep you safe.   Disbelieving  Managers What they say:  "This can't have happened"  or "This can't be happening."   Computer crashing -- the blue screen of death -- goes all the way back to Windows 1.0 in 1985.  indicates a system crash, in which the operating system has reached a critical condition where it can no longer operate hardware failure or a unexpected termination of a crucial process.   Hours of work lost  Their Role, their function Derek Scott:  Disbelieving managers may take the lead as the other parts of the system impacted by the loss are afforded time to adjust to the new reality. It is as if the sad, yearning, guilty and protesting parts sit behind the protectors that allow the information to be gradually filtered to them.  Example of Ron:  He could function that evening, make himself dinner, finish a report on an investigation, carry on at work the next day.    Colloquial phrase:  It hasn't hit him yet.  Replay the clip of Ron's disbelief Numbing Managers What they say:  They don't say anything, really.   they don't let you feel anything in conscious awareness.  Survival mechanism.  So you can deal with daily tasks.   Can last a long time.   Never a perfect barrier though -- it gets pierced by what Therese Rando calls STUGs Sudden, Temporary Upsurges of grief Those are the rejected exiles who bear grief breaking through and flooding with the intensity of their suffering.   Depressed Managers  Reactive depressed mood is a part of grief Attempt to titrate the grief.  Fighting fire with fire, fighting the intense depression with more manageable depression.   Still holding the exiles that bear the intensity of grief at bay.   Guilt carrying managers reflect on the “bad” things they said and did in the relationship.  The manager protector's voice telling us we “should” have done more, “should have been a better  spouse/friend/kid  These are the parts experiencing guilt but also defending against exiles with huge guilt going back to childhood.    Guilty parts stating that they didn't do enough or weren't present enough in the relationship may be unaware of the demands that other parts make on the system. Spiritual Bypassing Managers -- common in serious, practicing Catholics Spiritual Bypassing:  John Welwood 1984  "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks."  Spiritual bypassing is a term I coined to describe a process I saw happening in the Buddhist community I was in, and also in myself. Although most of us were sincerely trying to work on ourselves, I noticed a widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks. Examples Death of a loved one:  External focus:  He's in a better place.  He's in heaven now.  See this all the time at Catholic funerals, a de factor canonizations at the eulogies.   Vivian:  God will take care of Ron now, there's nothing more I can do.  We'll just focus on the positive, the good times we had.  When I feel bad about how it worked out, I'll just pray the sadness away.   Ron.  When God closes a door, he opens a window.  He likely has a better woman for me in the future.  And he'll punish Vivian for what she's done.  Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord.  She'll get what she deserves from him.   Manager Actions -- Straight from Derek Scott's article Grief and IFS: Mapping the Terrain Postponing – agreeing that there is griefwork to be done but “later”. When asked to be specific about “when” these parts become evasive or propose a future time that subsequently is not used for doing the work   Displacing – as mentioned earlier with regard to anger, the emotional responses connected to parts grieving the loss are displaced onto other targets; being sad about a movie, angry about poor service in a restaurant etc. Replacing – reinvesting too quickly after a significant loss, often a strategy in reproductive loss and loss of an animal companion Minimizing – cognitively diluting the experience of parts with big feelings by framing the relationship as one that “wasn't really that close” Avoiding – not going to the gravesite or talking about the loss. Removing pictures and not going to places that will evoke memories of the deceased and activate the exiled parts Somaticizing – bringing physical distress into the system (migraines, gastrointestinal distress, sleep disturbances) to distract from or channel the emotional responses of exiled parts  Particularly, when we're little if the grief is not supported, then it goes into the body. Shaming – particularly present in disenfranchised grief, shaming protectors will reinforce the social belief about the loss being one that the person is not “entitled” to grieve. Miscarriage, loss of a child who is a rapist, death of a spouse to AIDS; these are examples of losses that may carry a stigma or be trivialized by the broader community Firefighters  Definition When exiles break through and threaten to take over the system, like in Inside Out, remember the parts and the control panel?  So when these exiles are about the break out, the firefighters leap into action.  It's an emergency situation, a crisis, like a fire raging in a house.  No concern for niceties, for propriety, for etiquette, for little details like that.   Firefighter take bold, drastic actions to stifle, numb or distract from the intensity of the exile's experiences.   Intense neediness and grief are overwhelming us!  Emergency actions -- battle stations!   Evasive maneuvers, Arm the torpedoes, Full speed ahead!  No concern for consequences -- don't you get it, we are in a crisis  Parts can take over the person   Firefighter behaviors Drinking, using drugs  Raging  Watching TV, videos, binging on Netflix  Food bingeing -- chocolate for me.  Losses or grief about relationships -- Grace in the Poor Clare monastery.   Sex bingeing  Overworking   Identity Issues -- the disruption caused by not knowing who I am may open the door to behaviors previously prohibited by managers.   New firefighter activities.       Adapted Dual Process Model of Bereavement Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut originally the DPM in 1999 Death Studies article called The dual process model of coping with bereavement: rationale and description  Derek Scott adapted this model  two clusters of parts one cluster is oriented towards the loss -- those are the parts we've been discussing so far  Focus on experiencing grief Focus on continuing relationship bonds Distraction from restoration Avoidance of restoration the other cluster towards restoration dealing with the new complexities in life for the bereaved that are occasioned by the loss  Readjusting to the new reality -- conforms to Elisabeth Kubler Ross' stage of acceptance and Colin Parkes' phase of reorganization and recovery   Activities Attending to live changes  New roles, new relationships  Distraction from grief  Avoidance of grief   The dual process model of coping with bereavement (DPM) identifies (from an IFS perspective) contends that these two models (clusters) oscillate as the mourning proceeds. the grieving individual at times confronts, at other times avoids, the different tasks of grieving.  This model proposes that adaptive coping is composed of confrontation--avoidance of loss and restoration stressors. It also argues the need for dosage of grieving, that is, the need to take respite from dealing with either of these stressors, as an integral part of adaptive coping.   This oscillation is very familiar to the IFS therapist as affect-laden parts may occupy the attention of the client, then pragmatic protectors may hold the floor to afford a break from the intensity of the other parts. The dance between the loss-oriented cluster of parts and the restoration oriented cluster of parts tends to be initially weighted towards the loss. Over time the restoration cluster of parts will become more prominent as the client lives into what may be considered to be the "new normal". Compassion Heals: An IFS perspective on Bereavement -- From Derek Scott.   Compassion heals. Bringing compassion to another invites their compassion for their own parts  The more significant the loss, the more profound the disruption to the system The system responses to the loss may be manager led, firefighter driven or characterized by erupting exiles The protective system may be in disarray and unable to function normally; resulting in the client feeling particularly vulnerable The protective system may become entrenched because of the perceived threat from or to the exiles  Present loss experiences may trigger parts connected to former loss events seeking healing  Unburdening parts in the loss cluster will facilitate healing and greater resiliency in terms of subsequent losses Advantages of IFS-informed understandings of grief  Last episode, we looked at the stage and phase models of grief trajectories Elisabeth Kubler Ross' five stages of grief DABDA -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.   Colin Parkes' model Shock and numbness, yearning and searching, disorganization and despair, reorganization and recovery How the empirical trajectory of grief didn't support a linear progression through the stages or phases Still valuable in describing experiences at a moment in time The myth of the unified, homogenous, monolithic personality really compromises our ability to understand grief.   Identity Issues -- not as often address Low self-esteem  Who am I now, that I am no longer married?  I am a widower   But now, understanding the person in terms of a core self and in parts, both a multiplicity but also a unity.   And why, again?  Why are we doing this?  In order to increase our capacity to love.  That's why.   Final thought from Derek Scott  --  Grief has its own timetable. There is a lot of wisdom in the system regarding when to allow access to affect-laden parts. There are, of course, frustrated, impatient parts that want it to be "over" so that the system can return to normal functioning. There may also be postponing managers (see "complicated grief”). Respecting protective parts saying, "We're not going there now" and asking them about their concerns, as well as when would be a good time to "go there "and what would need to change to allow access provides us with an understanding of how to best work with the system. Being patient  Accepting all parts as they are, where they are.  That does not mean we endorse all of their impulses or desires.  Check out Episode 66  Acceptance vs. Endorsement: A Critical Difference in Catholic Marriages.   Lots of gratitude for Derek Scott's work on IFS and Grief.   I am going to try something really new in the next episode.  In this episode and the last episode, I've brought you a lot of conceptual information, psychoeducation, all the intellectual material.  That's great for nourishing our conceptual and analytical parts, for feeding our minds.   But next week you will have the possibility to go deeper, not just in the abstract realm, not just in your conceptual zone -- but taking it down deeper inside you.   We will do an exploratory, experiential exercise, all about your personal grief.   We've all had losses.  We've all had the experience of grief We all have things to work through.   So we're going to put all of this information to work in our own human formation, in our own interior integration.  All voluntary -- we'll be working with our parts to make sure we have their buy-in, their consent.  So I invite you to that, we will see how it goes! Action Items  Subscribe on the podcast platform of your choice -- Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, Audible Leave reviews and ratings   Give me feedback.  I want to hear from you Conversation hours T, R 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM  317.567.9594  Let me know what you like and don't like podcast -- including these dramatic interpretation -- like I gotta know was this opening lead-in dramatization cringey?  A part of me really wants to know.  It thinks it was cringey.  But it's not about putting together great performances, it's about illustrating the points.  Did that happen?  Let me know.  317.567.9594 or crisis@soulsandhearts.com Let me know what you need and don't need in this podcast Catholic Mental Health professionals -- work with  me in the Interior Therapist Community at Souls and Hearts -- find out how you can join one of my therapist groups, which are starting in September, They are all about working on your human formation, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded in the Catholic Faith.  Find all the details at soulsandhearts.com/itc.  Email me with questions at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or call me on my cell at 317.567.9594 to find out how we can work together!  Pray for me and for the other listeners   Patroness and Patron IIC 81A Finding the Exiled Grief.   IIC 81T Exercise with Discovering Grieving Parts      

In this episode, we talk about: Introducing Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and founder of Souls and Hearts;  Dr. Richard Schwartz and Internal Family Systems;  The idea of “parts” within yourself;  Good and bad relationships with your own parts;  Did Jesus have parts?  How this idea of “parts” connects to the Catholic faith;    Resources mentioned or relevant: Interior Therapist Community;  Souls and Hearts;  Interior Integration for Catholics podcast;  Internal Family Systems Model (IFS);  Dr. Greg's new model of treatment - https://www.iddmentor.com;  The Catholic Mindfulness Virtual Retreat;  Consecration to Jesus through St. Joseph;  To find out how Dr. Greg's team can help you, click here.  To read the CatholicPsych blog, click here.  For resources from the CatholicPsych Institute, click here.  If there is a topic or a question you would like Dr. Greg to address, please email your request to beinghuman@catholicpsych.com! We would love to hear from you.  Rate, review, and subscribe Please help us in our mission to integrate the Faith with Psychology by hitting subscribe and also sharing this podcast with your friends. Please consider rating or leaving a review of our show. It helps us reach other Catholics just like you who want to become more integrated, whole, and happy human beings. For Apple podcasts, click here, scroll to the bottom, tap to rate 5 stars, and choose “write a review”. Then type your sincere thoughts about the show! If you haven't already, make sure to subscribe so you don't miss out on any episodes. Subscribe to the podcast now!

If we love deeply, we're going to grieve deeply.  It's inevitable.  And it's that simple.  So together, let's understand and experience grief better in order to love better.  In this episode, I review the popular models of grief with their strengths and limitations, illustrating them through poetry, quotes, and evaluating them with the best of the psychological research.  Lead-in:  We are going to start out with a simple truth.  We Catholics get close to people.  We get close to people We form deep, intimate bonds with our Parents, siblings, spouses, children, our friends -- all those we love.   Last weekend, I was at my grandson's baptism.  Tiny little guy, names William Peter. I'm not super sentimental, not one to just burst into intense emotion at the drop of a hat, but holding him and talking with him.  I could feel the bond developing.  He's really growing on me.  My first grandson.  William Peter.  I told myself I wasn't going to be one of those fawning grandfathers that shows the pictures around to everyone and prattles on about grandchildren, but here I am, bringing it up in a podcast episode.   I love that little guy.  I really do, I've been surprised at how quickly that all developed.   We form deep intimate bond with people.   And that's a great privilege, an honor, a sacred thing.   October 29, 2017 before the Angelus Prayer, Pope Francis Indeed, we were created to love and to be loved. God, who is Love, created us to make us participants in his life, to be loved by him and to love him, and with him, to love all other people. This is God's “dream” for mankind.   But in this life there's a difficult side to that.  The realities that entered the world with original sin.  Inevitably, we lose at least some of these bonds, these connections -- in our fallen world, they are not permanent, they are temporary Parents die  Some experience a romantic breakup -- or a divorce  Estrangements, ties being cut   And we experience the loss of someone Jandy Nelson succinctly sums up the mystery when she writes “Grief and love are conjoined—you don't get one without the other.”  My Constant Companion By Kelly Roper  Grief is my companion,It takes me by the hand,And walks along beside mein a dark and barren land.How long will this lonesome journey last,How much more can my weary heart bear?Since your death, I've been lost in the fog,Too burdened with sorrow and care.People tell me my sadness will fade,And my tears will reach their end.Grief and I must complete our journey,And then maybe I'll find happiness again.  Talking to Grief by Denise Levertov Ah, Grief, I should not treat youlike a homeless dogwho comes to the back doorfor a crust, for a meatless bone.I should trust you. I should coax youinto the house and give youyour own corner,a worn mat to lie on,your own water dish. You think I don't know you've been livingunder my porch.You long for your real place to be readiedbefore winter comes. You needyour name,your collar and tag. You needthe right to warn off intruders,to considermy house your ownand me your personand yourself  “So it's true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love.” ― E.A. Bucchianeri And we pay on a sliding fee scale as Orson Scott Card tells us “Life is full of grief, to exactly the degree we allow ourselves to love other people.”  Grief -- after five episodes on suicide, it seemed like the next topic.  Stay with me as we investigate grief… Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics, I am so glad you are hear with me for these moments together, thank you for spending the time.  As you know, I am Dr. Peter Malinoski, clinical psychologist and passionate Catholic you are listening to the Interior Integration for Catholics podcast, where we don't hesitate to take on the tough topics that matter to you.  We bring the best of psychology and human formation and harmonize it with the perennial truths of the Catholic Faith.   Interior Integration for Catholics is part of our broader outreach, Souls and Hearts bringing the best of psychology grounded in a Catholic worldview to you and the rest of the world through our website soulsandhearts.com  Today's episode, number 81 is entitled "Grieving is the Price We Pay for Loving" and it's released on August 16, 2021  We are broaching the big topic of grief.  We touched on it briefly way back in episode 15, but now we're getting into much more detail.   There is so much misinformation out there about grief.  So many myths, so many misconceptions to clear up.  Why is that?  We're going to answer that question with the professional research, the best of psychological theory, with Scripture, with poetry, with examples and with quotes to help you understand the experience of grief -- your grief and the grief of others.   Why should we learn about grief?  Earl Grollman sums it up like this: Grief is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.   If we love, we will grieve.  Part of loving well is grieving well.   If we flee from grief, we will also flee from love.    You can't love without eventually grieving.   Our Lord modeled this for us: Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  John 11: 32-36 Then Mary, when she came where Jesus was and saw him, fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled; 34 and he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” ]   Our Lady Modeled this for us.  Mary at Calvary looking up at her beloved Son, innocent, yet accused, mocked, reviled, slapped, spit upon, beaten, whipped. crowned with thorns, forced on death march, and then nailed to a cross, bleeding and dying.  His disciples save John had abandoned him, the people had turned against him. Flesh of her flesh, bone of her bone, but yet also Almighty God, the second person of the Trinity, Love Incarnate going through his grief.   What was her experience?   I can hear her asking, in the words of the Good Friday Reproaches, My people, what has he done to you?  How has he offended you? Answer me! Alice Von Hildebrand:  We gain a dolorous awareness that being as weak as we are, we cannot guard the loved one, hard as we try. We realize that this precious being is infinitely fragile. This is inevitably a source of profound suffering. The loved being whose beauty has wounded our heart is frailty itself, and we realize that, ardently as we wish to, we are ourselves too weak and too helpless to shelter him in this threatening and treacherous world where dangers are constantly lurking.  That's why we need to learn to grieve well.  We need to be able to understand something about grief and to grieve well to pick up our crosses, to bear our sufferings well, the suffering that is essential to love in this earthly life, in this fallen world. We are going to love and we are going to lose our loved one.  That is a reality.  I'm going to experience it -- you're going to experience it.   I'm taking a risk in loving my grandson William Peter --  I could lose him.  I've taken a great risk in loving my wife Pam -- we've playfully argued about who gets to die first, so as to avoid the pain of the loss of our relationship.  And yes, there's the Communion of Saints.  Yes there is eternal life.  But still… One of us is going to have to live on in this life first, without the other one present in the same way.   Many models of grief are based on a single, unified, monolithic, homogenous personality.  That's the problem.   That single, unified, monolithic, homogenous personality undergirds the stage and phase theories of grief.  Swiss Psychiatrist -- Elisabeth Kubler Ross -- Death and Dying 1969 -- Discussed this in episode 17, will go into more detail today  Kubler Ross gathered anecdotal evidence from more than 200 terminally ill patients as they were dying -- case studies.  Five stages of grief --  DABDA model  Denial: is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss.  Denial and shock help us to cope and make day-to-day survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface. Shock and disbelief: This initial phase, which may last from a mere few seconds up to six weeks, is marked by numbness, disbelief, and, often, alienation from others. The loss may be intellectualized and dealt with on a "rational" level, as opposed to a "feeling" level. This is the stage many people are in at the time of the funeral.  Awareness: This next stage is an emotional and suffering phase that resides in the heart. At the same time that the chemicals (for example, adrenaline) released in response to the stress of our loved one's death are beginning to decrease, and the support of friends is lessening, the impact of the person's loss is beginning to be truly realized: the lonely bed, the lack of someone with whom to talk.  Anger -- from a deep sense of injustice -- of being wronged, of being violated.  Underneath the anger is the pain.  The anger can serve to suppress the intensity of the pain of loss.   Bargaining -- frantic attempts to control the outcomes Depression -- feeling the loss “You can't truly heal from a loss until you allow yourself to really feel the loss.” — Mandy Hale   Acceptance -- accepting the reality of the loss.   Colin Parkes -- 1972 Bereavement: Studies of grief in adult life.  1983 with R.S. Weiss: Recovery from Bereavement  Argued that the bereaved must go through four overlapping phases of grief in order to adequately resolve the grief Shock and numbness  Yearning and Searching  Disorganization and Despair  Reorganization and Recovery   Phases  Shock and numbness This can't be happening  Struggling with comprehension -- numbing out  Helps to survive emotionally, initially the shock of loss  “There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality–there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.” ― Christopher Moore  “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” — Vicki Harrison   Yearning and Searching Let's go back to the way it was  Missing the person, seeking that person out, how can we be close again?  Wishing the deceased would just come home  Weeping, pining, sadness, anger confusion.  Come back, fill the emptiness   “I know in my head that she has gone. The only difference is that I am getting used to the pain. It's like discovering a great hole in the ground. To begin with, you forget it's there and keep falling in. After a while, it's still there, but you learn to walk round it.” — Rachel Joyce   A Call From Heaven © Zeb EdingtonPublished: November 2018 I lie awake long into the night,Hoping that maybe you just mightGive me a call to say you're okayAnd let me know you made it through the day. I would give everything that I haveTo make you feel not so sad.I know the pain is sometimes too great,But the love was something you can never mistake. I long for the day when I see you again.Then we can talk about where all we've been.We can think about all the times we had,How we've missed each other ever so bad. I feel like I've been cheated and robbed so blind.God took you away when I thought you were mine.Now I'm stuck here and feel so aloneAs I sit and wait right beside the phone. You gave me a life and everything I have.I couldn't say no, even when I was mad.You gave me my children that I hold so dear.You took away everything that I ever feared. As the hurt seems to fade but the memories are bright,Maybe I'll see you in a dream tonight.That's all I can hope for until the dayWhen were together in heaven for an eternity.  Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/a-call-from-heaven-2  Disorganization and despair Easily distracted, difficulty with attention and concentration  Initial acceptance.  He is not coming back.  He is really dead.   Depression may set in, anxiety may set in, apathy, anger -- rebellion against the loss.   Withdrawal from others, disengaging from activities, isolation.   No longer searching -- yearning gives way to apathy, anger, loss of hope, and questions of meaning and purpose   Reorganization and recovery Life can go on.  Rebuild, renew, begin again.  Energy levels lift  Concentration and attention improve   Ability to enjoy good things. Positive memories of the person.   New normal achieved.    Criticism of Stage or Phase Models Not empirical studies  Models were misused -  Kubler Ross' model based on those who were dying, not those with loved ones dying.   Not as relevant to losing a family member to death Still generalized to all kinds of situations of loss and grief.   Clinical observations the these stages necessarily go in order   Not a lockstep process  Danger of the stages or phases being taken as  a proscriptive model Proscriptive vs. descriptive.   You have got to feel the anger -- or the depression.   The five stages - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance - are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross   Research Studies  Carol Barrett and Karen Scheweis 1981 article in OMEGA - Journal of Death and Dying 193 widows and widowers in Wichita, all 62 years of age or older,  did not confirm a stage process of adaptation to grief.   George Bonnano and colleagues in major article in the 2002 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology tracked trajectories of grieving the death of a spouse from before the spouse died and 6 and 18 months after the death.  205 participants.   Very low levels of correspondence with the stages of grief described by Kubler Ross.   2007 Study in the Journal of the American Medical Association by Paul K. Maciejewski and his colleagues  Set out to examine the relative magnitudes and patterns of change over time postloss of 5 grief indicators for consistency with the stage theory of grief. disbelief, yearning, anger, depression and acceptance of the death   community-based sample of 233 bereaved individuals, near Bridgeport and Fairfield Connecticut.   Five rater-administered items assessing disbelief, yearning, anger, depression, and acceptance of the death from 1 to 24 months postloss.  Did not fit the stage model . Acceptance was always higher than all the others, across all time intervals.  Yearning was the highest of all the others across all time stages.   Popularity of these stage models -- why after fifty years are they still with us?  Reasons There was a huge need.  The need for something to hang on to, to help us make sense of an overwhelming experience   Kubler Ross's model is simple -- DABDA  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance They are intuitive, they seem to make sense The stage models gave us a language, a way to  symbolize the experience of grief into words to make sense of it.  This is really a gift.   With the language Kubler Ross and Parkes gave us, we could communicate about grief more clearly, more readily, we could share the experience of grief.   Observation of real human experience.   Uniqueness of grief “Each of us has his own rhythm of suffering.” ― Roland Barthes  “Grief is bizarre territory because there's no predicting how long it'll take to get over certain things. You just don't know how long it's going to resound in your life.” – Sam Shepard  “I wasn't prepared for the fact that grief is so unpredictable. It wasn't just sadness, and it wasn't linear. Somehow I'd thought that the first days would be the worst and then it would get steadily better – like getting over the flu. That's not how it was.” Meghan O'Rourke   So some clinicians have moved away from the Stages or Phases of Grief to discussing Signs or Signals of Grief --  Sources 2017 online article by Crossroads Hospice and Palliative Care  Mayo Clinic  Vitas Healthcare website  Helpguide.com article on coping with grief and loss.   Categories  Emotions Agitation – inability to relax, shaken up  Anger – a strong emotion of displeasure with others or with an event  Anhedonia -- inability to enjoy things, to experience pleasure.   Anxiety – feeling nervous and worried  Apathy – things do not seem important anymore, not caring what happens  Betrayal – feeling someone purposely chose to hurt you  Bitterness about the loss  Despair – to lose hope  Disbelief – trouble accepting the loss really happened  Emptiness –void inside, nothing to give.  Nothing inside.  “Losing him was like having a hole shot straight through me, a painful, constant reminder, an absence I could never fill.” ― Jojo Moyes  “Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.” — William Faulkner  Fear – the individual does not feel safe or worries for the safety of loved ones  Guilt – self-blame, feeling regretful about doing or not doing something  Helplessness – feeling like there is nothing one can do to make a difference in a situation  Impatience – want things right away and have trouble waiting  Isolation – removed or away from others  Loneliness – feeling alone  Numbness- can't feel any emotion  Powerlessness – having no control over what is happening  Relief – to feel free from stress, pain or burden  Sadness, intense sorrow  – feeling unhappy and sorrowful  Shame – feeling dishonored or disgraced  Shock – feeling surprised and disturbed by a sudden powerful event  Strength – tough, powerful  Thankfulness – appreciative  Uncertainty – feeling unsure  Uselessness – feeling worthless  Weakness – frail, powerless   Positive Emotions Opening up, accessing in a way never before.   Breaking down old ways of coping.   Cognitive Reactions, the way grief impacts our thinking, our mental processes “Grief can derange even the strongest and most disciplined of minds.” ― George R.R. Martin  “Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver.”― Sophocles  Difficulties in concentrating   Trying To Balance Grief © Liz Newman  Published: May 25, 2021 Grief stacksItself upUpUpAs you try and balanceYour daily tasksYour emotionsYour painThe towerWobblesAs you tryTo do everythingYou normally doEverything youNormally canBut right nowYou can'tAnd it comesAllThe wayDown  Continuously thinking about the loss -- rumination Narrow focus -- only thinking about the loss, difficulty thinking about anything else Difficulty making decisions Pessimism about the Future My grief lies onward, and my joy behind.  Shakespeare, Sonnet 50   Memory difficulties Believing you were responsible for the loss Increased or decreased dreams Increased nightmares, odd dreams Thinking everyone is watching you Thinking you are different from everyone else Self-destructive thoughts Physical Reactions Crying -- not mentioned.   J.R.R. Tolkien knew we needed to allow ourselves to feel sadness. In one particularly poignant passage at the end of “The Return of the King,” Frodo is about to sail away, leaving his friends behind. “Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-earth,” Gandalf says to the gathered companions. “Go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.” “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” — Washington Irving "Tears are the silent language of grief."  Voltaire “To weep is to make less the depth of grief.” — William Shakespeare   Sleeping changes – too little or too much hypersomnia, insomnia Weight and appetite changes Tiredness Deep sighing Feeling weak Aches and pains Restlessness Lethargy Energized: feeling strong/invincible Muscle tension Pounding heart Headaches and stomach aches Nausea Dizziness Shortness of breath Easily shaken by certain sights and sounds (particularly those that remind you of the loss) Increased number of colds and infections -- weakened immune system Spiritual Reactions Feeling lost and empty  Feeling abandoned or punished by God  Questioning a reason to go on living  Feeling like you don't belong  Feeling angry with God   Questioning your religious beliefs I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. – John 14:18   Disruption in the plan of life.   Feeling spiritually connected to the person who died   Feeling spiritually connected to God Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. – Matthew 5:4   Needing to receive forgiveness   Finding hope in prayer/spiritual beliefs "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, there will no longer be any mourning, crying, or pain, for the old order of things have passed away." Revelation 21:4     Finding purpose in life Finding a deeper sense of compassion, of connection to others Rumi: “Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life's search for love and wisdom.”  Behavioral Reactions -- Social Interactions Trying to stay constantly active  Overachieving  Underachieving  Changes in work performance  Being preoccupied and forgetful  Being more clumsy  Crying a lot, or more easily  Blaming others  Not caring about things, wanting to drop out  Wanting to spend more time alone   Dropping out of social activities “People in grief need someone to walk with them without judging them.” – Gail Sheehy   Pulling away from other's attempts to touch and comfort you -- detachment “To spare oneself from grief at all costs can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.” — Erich Fromm  My Mask    © Ellie Nazza          Published: June 2011 Every morning I wake up and put on a mask.The mask makes everything seem all right,But they don't know I cry at night.The nightmares just won't go away.If only I knew it was your last day.For six years I've felt this pain.The feeling just won't go away.Everyone thinks I've dealt with your death the best,But without this mask I'd be a mess.  Wanting more attention and affection Seeking approval and reassurance from others Distrusting others  Detaching from others Being aggressive, getting more arguments Showing more creative expression through music, writing, and art Deepening relationships Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.  Alphonse de Lamartine  "The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief--but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love."  Hilary Stanton Zunin   Weakness of these models So we've done some prep work today to get us ready, getting reacquainted with what the prevailing models of grief can tells us, the descriptive power they have.   Not proscriptive -- merely descriptive They don't really inform us about how to be with the other person, this specific person  Signs of grief are not necessarily specific just to grief.   Identity Issues -- not as often address Low self-esteem  Who am I now, that I am no longer married?  I am a widower   Now we're ready for a much better way to approach grief, both inside ourselves and inside others.  The myth of the unified, homogenous, monolithic personality really compromises our ability to understand grief.   So in the next episode, I'm bringing in a whole new model of grief, one developed by Internal Family Systems therapist Derek Scott, who has done the best conceptual work on understanding grief and responding to it that I have ever encountered in the natural realm.   We are going to get into that deeply, we are going to understand how our different parts experience grief, and we going one step further, and that's to bring in the Catholic foundation.   And why, again?  Why are we doing this?  In order to increase our capacity to love.  That's why.   Action Items I want to hear from you Conversation hours T, R 4:30 PM to 5:30 PM  317.567.9594  -- great response in the last office hours, it was good to hear from so many of you.    Pray for me and for the other listeners  Catholic Mental Health professionals -- work with  me in the Interior Therapist Community at Souls and Hearts -- find out how you can join one of my therapist groups, which are starting in September, They are all about working on your human formation, informed by Internal Family Systems and grounded in the Catholic Faith.  Find all the details at soulsandhearts.com/itc.  Emal me with questions at crisis@soulsandhearts.com or call me on my cell at 317.567.9594 to find out how we can work together!