The business, market, and ESG news, brought to you by experts, edited for humans. After more than two decades of experience as ESG company and market analysts and eight decades of experience in fact-based snark, we make business and investing news suck less for real people and the investor-curious.
THE GOOD GAME: COVID-19 emergency is over, Starbucks charging for "no water" Refreshers, WNBA team values up, and the Pixies
WOKE WEDNESDAY: ThredUP's dual class Long-Term stocks, Ohio bans discussion of climate change, Credit Suisse joins the UBS board, plus CME group's 23 person board
MONDAY KETCHUP: eLIZabeth Holmes, Buffettpalooza and folksy capitalism, and a Board Sabermetrician view of Berkshire
FRIDAY WRAP: JPMorgan buys First Republic, Pornhub out on Utah, Anheuser Busch's "don't say trans" earnings call, mom's out of the workforce, and HotChat3000
BOARD DRAFT DAY 2: Drafting the best of the best Lead Independent Directors and Committee Chairs
WOKE WEDNESDAY: ESG Roundup, ESGauge stat of the week, and Meatball Ron legislated against Larry Fink!
Up first, how about a bedtime story? This week it's the forgotten Story of Brownie Wise, the Ingenious Marketer Behind the Tupperware Party. Earl Tupper invented the container's seal, but it was a savvy, convention-defying entrepreneur who got the product line into the homes of housewives. Up next, King Kong calls his agent to complain about all the headlines linking him with Eli Lily's new obesity drug. Let's end today's show with a heartwarming conversation between Frank and Dolores. Last time we visited with our favorite 1950s power couple they were talking about M&Ms going woke. This week they are here to share their observations about the homelessness crisis.
MONDAY KETCHUP: Uncle Jamie save First Republic, plus SVB's post-mortem, Dorsey's advice to Musk, AI nukes, and family wealth
FRIDAY WRAP: Tucker out, Lachlan wins, DWade leaves Florida, Zuckerberg's giddy AI attention grabbing, fake deepfake Musks
THE BOARD DRAFT: Screw the NFL, this is the world's first Board of Director Team Draft - CEO and Chair in rounds 1 and 2
WOKE WEDNESDAY: ESG is bad. Also, ESG is bad. ESG fired Tucker Carlson. Plus, ESG should be banned in insurance. Also, proxy votes are woke.
MONDAY KETCHUP: Comcast's NBCUniversal CEO steps down, BBY goes bankrupt, Zuckerberg Andi Owens's his employees, Goldman's DJ DSol problem, and Anheuser blames the woman
FRIDAY WRAP: Fox settlement WITHOUT apology, state abortion bans affect college matriculation, MillerKnoll's CEO asshole moment, Tennessee Walgreens pregnant shootout, and Taylor Swift goes governance guru
THURSDAY'S WHO THE EFF IS THAT? Featuring Andrew Campion, Mark Weinberger, Michael Volkema, Paul Ryan, and Reid Hoffman
WOKE WEDNESDAY: Angry CEO says leave pity city, Fox settles, Ron Meatball wants to build a prison on Disney, and Vivek Ramaswamy's Strive proxy update
This week on the show: Pepsi's new logo is a subliminal war on sugar/the United nations food chief says billions of dollars are needed to avert unrest and starvation/and the founders of the United States of America create a loophole to avoid Ron DeSantis.
MONDAY KETCHUP: AI is more important than fire, meat-based-plant-based-meat, Regina's tourist campaign, New Jersey fines itself, and Amazon's Jassy has words
Story of the Week, Goodliest of the Week. Exhaustingest of the Week. Winners. Predictions.
We rate ESG/Business Headlines on a scale from 0-10 so you don't have to!!
Everything from cancer-causing Peeps to the King Kong of weight-loss drugs to elusive 4-pound chickens to climate impact food labels to shelf-stable meat alternatives to CEOs eating like toddlers. That's a lot.
New Lyft CEO; Elon Musk Hates NPR; Chipotle Loves Chipotle But Doesn't Love When Sweetgreen Loves Chipotle; Apple Loves Hidden Bitcoin Codes; LinkedIn's Reid Hoffman Loves Somebody; Rupert Murdoch Hates Bibles And Now Hates Love; and Charlie Munger Hates Casinos But Loves Heroin?
This week on the show we dive into our stupid bag. Two Michigan ladies discuss a new Popeyes in town; new Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan learns how to make a French Press coffee, and German Chancellor Olaf Scholz sings about banking. Our audience demographics show mediocre support in the Midwest, so we asked two women from Michigan to try their hands at writing a comedy sketch about the business news and this is what they came up with... Thanks again, Connie and Sandy. And you too, Jacko! Our Business Pants Corporate Theater decided to take a look at this headline: “New Starbucks CEO to work half-day shift in stores monthly.” According to CNN, new Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan just learned how to make a French Press coffee! Here he is with his therapist explaining the exciting day! And finally, a delightful cameo from German Chancellor Olaf Scholz as he attempts to soothe any fears related to Germany's beloved Deutsche Bank. Mr. Scholz, in fact, is so moved that he just can't help break out into song. Kudos, Olaf!!!
MONDAY KETCHUP: Chapek FTW, LeBron's a "no" on $8 checkmarks, OTHER Chinese apps, tech bros are NOW worried about humanity, Musk, and another "black eye" for ESG
FRIDAY WRAP: CEO Trump got indicated, CEO Schultz is(n't) a billionaire, princesses sink DeSantis at Disney, royal Vince McMahon pays himself for himself, and Levi's AI diversity hire
THURSDAY QUIZ: Howard Schultz testifies that he's NOT a REAL billionaire and TAKE IT BACK, plus Disney's genius King Charles clause sinks DeSantis
WOKE WEDNESDAY: Unpacking the anti-woke and 2ndVote Analytics (anti-woke ratings!) with Doug Chia
This week on the show we unearth the origin story behind these kooky annual CEO letters to shareholders made famous by big cuddly billionaire teddy bear Warren Buffet and then we take a tweaky, spazzy, frenetic, conspiracy-laced look at short seller Hindenburg Research: 1) First, let's talk CEO letters to shareholders, shall we? Where did they come from? What is their purpose? Pull up a chair and put on your learnin'-cap because Business Pants is taking you to CEO Letter Writing School 2) Here's a delightful conspiracy theory about short seller Hindenburg Research. Named after the 1937 Hindenburg disaster, which they characterize as a human-made avoidable disaster, the firm generates public reports via its website that allege corporate fraud and malfeasance. Let's listen in to two tweaky/twerky/twerpy/tweety Hindenburg Research analysts.
MONDAY KETCHUP: SVB gets bought by a WORSE governed bank, sports bros are sexual harassy, tech bros are symbiotic, and business news hates Israel
FRIDAY WRAP: the IPCC's woke climate change report, the FTC's cancels your gym membership, Howard Schultz's sunset letter, buy-now-afford-never
THE GOOD GAME: Oil company homicide charges, Zuckerberg and sex trafficking, Biden's ESG veto, and 5,000 miles of sulfur seaweed heading to Florida
WOKE WEDNESDAY: Howard Schultz's Starbucks letter, proxy roundup, and Credit Suisse's frat boy influence party, plus a word from ESGauge
This week on the show we dive directly into the deep end of the Silicon Valley Bank Failure pool then end things off with a deeply personal conversation with Bing's new chatbot: 1) Let's talk bank failure, shall we? In the first piece we look at the final and terrifying moments at Silicon Valley Bank with CEO Greg Becker, CFO Dan Beck, somebody named Susan, and a bunch of children. 2) Staying with the spectacular collapse of Silicon Valley Bank, the 16th biggest bank in the United States at the time, our second sketch is a delightful mash-up between the classic film “It's a Wonderful Life” starring Jimmy Stewart, the zany crew at Silicon Valley Bank, and special guest stars Venture Capitalist TechBro Peter Thiel, Circle CEO Jeremy Allaire, Roku CFO Steve Louden, and Etsy CEO Josh Silverman. 3) Our last sketch is a delightful look at Microsoft Bing's new chatbot called “Bing is a rude sonovabitch.”
Bank failure! Bank bailout palooza: UBS gobbles up chewy and over-salty Credit Suisse. New York Community Bank eats Signature Bank's sad pickle-less lunch, and some leftover SVB crumbs.
FRIDAY WRAP: The founder fetish tech bro bank collapses, fear-of-pricing-out insulin price drops, Barney Frank did it for the money, and pay gaps in college sports. Plus winners and predictions.
THURSDAY QUIZ: Larry Fink New Letter Edition! How boring can one letter be? A lot boring.
WOKE WEDNESDAY: Anti-woke responses to SVB (THE DEI DID IT!), plus post-modern governance, G-washing, and who's the next bank at risk feature Doug Chia of Soundboard Governance
SVB ROUNDUP: How they failed isn't who failed - a case study in the broconomy and a 1%er bank run
FRIDAY WRAP: Not caring enough about paltry female leadership stats, CEO fired for shady severance payout, the Walgreens board is controlled by a man, and enough with all the plastics!
THURSDAY QUIZ: Whirlpool proxy quiz, Cucker Tarlson isn't even satire anymore, and Who the Eff is That??
WOKE WEDNESDAY: Internationally depressing women's day stats, Florida's fight for freedom through banning everything, and a word from ESGauge
This week the Business Pants Corporate Theater has a magnificent selection of magnificence: The Walt Disney Company's Jiminy Cricket writes an open letter to Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Target CEO Brian Cornell gets involved in some gift card scams, and a quick glimpse into a CEO's voice memo diaries.
A deep dive on who really controls Walgreens. Would a female CEO really stab women in the back like this? Or is there a Catholic, anti-abortion man in the background actually in power?
FRIDAY WRAP: Fox News and Murdoch's costly fibbing, Dilbert, Musk's Neuralink's wandering chips, Texas GOP goes full communist, shopping kills whales
BIZ NUGGETS: Irish bananas, Strive hates Singapore now, legionella spas, Zuck's bear trap, war on conservatives, Texas does China, Musk's Optimus robots, and VW is terrible
WOKE WEDNESDAY: Alternative democracies at Calavo and Lennar prove you need to think of boards with, like, data, plus a word from ESGauge and Paul Hodgson
This week on the show we have an impressive and delightful cornucopia of sketches that truly demonstrate the skill and hard work here at the Business Pants Corporate Theater. We have a Phantom of the Office responding to back-to-office mandates, a CEO confessional from a woman overhearing her workers talking about impostor syndrome and a beautiful mash-up of Monty Python's Flying Circus with a CEO named Elon Musk.
MONDAY KETCHUP: Dilbert vs. POC, Elon vs. people picking on Dilbert, CEOs weigh in on ChatGPT, and Warren Buffett's American Tailwind letter