Podcasts about thorazine

Methylene blue is widely marketed over the counter to the general public as well as to the natural health, health freedom, and freedom communities, often on the internet. It is flooding America.   Some sellers are touting methylene blue as a “miracle” tonic that improves “cognitive function”1 and boosts energy to previously unimagined heights. Some have given live demonstrations on TV and podcasts demonstrating how the oral form hyperactivates some people within 35 minutes of the first dose — a typical stimulant drug rush — which is actually a danger signal for potentially activating them into a dangerous manic episode during future exposures or even more deadly outcomes.   Read the full article here: Methylene Blue is highly neurotoxic to your brain and mind   In reality, methylene blue is a lethal neurotoxin, a poison to the brain. It has the same basic chemical composition and harmful clinical effects as the oldest and most neurotoxic “antidepressants,” the monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs). It also has similarities to the neurotoxic phenothiazine “antipsychotic” drugs, including the original Thorazine (chlorpromazine), but methylene blue is more stimulating or activating.   Methylene blue is not a miraculous new discovery. It is the opposite. Created in 1876 in a lab — it is the oldest manmade chemical to be used in medicine. But in well over a century, methylene blue has never been FDA-approved for psychiatric purposes. Later, its chemical structure was modified in labs for creating many of the earliest, most neurotoxic psychiatric drugs.   Methylene blue suppresses or destroys forms of the enzyme monoamine oxidase that are used by the brain for controlling or modulating four different powerful neurotransmitters — serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and epinephrine. In short, by crushing monoamine oxidase, methylene blue causes overstimulation of four of the brain's major neurotransmitters, all of which profoundly impact the mind.   After the FDA was created in 1906, methylene blue was grandfathered into the market by the agency as an obscure antidote for methemoglobinemia, but it must be emphasized that the FDA has never tested the safety of methylene blue for any purpose. Furthermore, the FDA, based on its adverse reporting system and scientific reports, has published serious warnings about potentially lethal adverse reactions from methylene blue, especially when combined with numerous other drugs.2   The first MAOIs used as depressants were derived from methylene blue, and they turned out to be so toxic that the first two were quickly taken off the market by the FDA. One caused lethal liver disease, and the other caused hypertensive crises. Methylene blue is known to impair liver function tests and to cause hypertensive crises. Early on, all MAOIs were removed for a while from the international list of approved drugs. Please go to this endnote in my report  for a list of historical and scientific studies about the extraordinary history and the nature of methylene blue and the other MAOIs.3   Psychiatry and the psychopharmaceutical complex are so driven to impose neurotoxins upon our brains ⎯ some MAOI antidepressants remain on the market today. FDA Full Prescribing Information for the existing MAOI antidepressants, readily available online,4 provides quick access to the kinds of adverse effects caused by methylene blue. These FDA documents also provide lists of the foods and of some of the many, many drugs you cannot take with MAOIs, like methylene blue, without risking death from serotonin syndrome or a hypertensive crisis.   Meanwhile, all of America is being made a market for the original mother of them all, methylene blue, without requiring a prescription, with bizarrely distorted claims, and with unlimited supplies handed out as easily as a new caffeinated soda.   All of the three approved MAOIs, as well as methylene blue, carry repeated warnings at the FDA and in the scientific community about causing the two potentially crippling and lethal outcomes, serotonin syndrome and malignant hypertension (see below). These potentially lethal outcomes, as with all MAOIs, become much more serious and higher risk when methylene blue is taken with certain foods such as cheese and bananas, or literally with so many other drugs that it is impossible to memorize them or to keep track of them.   Here is one version of a short summary of the long list of dangerous interactions between MAOIs, including methylene blue, and other drugs and foods, taken from Goodman and Gilman's The Pharmacological Basis of Therapeutics (2018, p. 274):   Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitors   Serotonin syndrome is the most serious drug interaction for the MAOIs (see Adverse Effects). The most common cause of serotonin syndrome in patients taking MAOIs is the accidental coadministration of a SHT reuptake-inhibiting antidepressant or tryptophan. Other serious drug interactions include those with meperidine and tramadol. MAOIs also interact with sympathomimetics such as pseudoephedrine, phenylephrine, oxymetazoline, phenylpropanolamine, and amphetamine; these are commonly found in cold and allergy medication and diet aids and should be avoided by patients taking MAOIs. Likewise, patients on MAOIs must avoid foods containing high levels of tyramine: soy products, dried meats and sausages, dried fruits, home-brewed and tap beers, red wine, pickled or fermented foods, and aged cheeses.   I am presenting this detailed summary in the hope of gaining the immediate attention of people and businesses who are promoting methylene blue and anyone who is unfortunately taking it. Please share this summary or the entire document as widely as possible and with proper attribution.   An extensive article follows, detailing my professional experience in the arena of psychopharmacology. It includes a lengthy scientific analysis with more than two dozen endnotes containing an even greater number of scientific citations.   Read the full article here: Methylene Blue is highly neurotoxic to your brain and mind   End Notes   1 All stimulants from caffeine to Ritalin (methylphenidate) and on to methamphetamine and cocaine, and including MAOIs, can produce subjective feelings of improved concentration or memory, and some short-term studies show a brief improvement. This is caused by obsessive-compulsive mental focusing and is driven by a narrowing of general awareness and judgment.  No FDA-approved stimulants, for example, have been proven to help cognition or academic performance, and all harm the brain long-term.  Here is a study that is negligent in its claims and its lack of warnings about methylene blue that may have encouraged the current epidemic use: https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/full/10.1176/appi.pn.2016.pp8a5 I have researched these issues in multiple scientific papers and books, including Brain-Disabling Treatments in Psychiatry: Drugs, Electroshock, and the Psychopharmaceutical Complex, second edition (2008).  For an easily accessible, comprehensive look at stimulant drug effects, also see my free resource center on children and stimulant medications: https://breggin.com/Childrens-Resources-Center   2 Drug Safety Communication: Serious CNS reactions possible when methylene blue is given to patients taking certain psychiatric medications | FDA and FDA Drug Safety Communication: Updated information about the drug interaction between methylene blue and Drug Safety Podcasts > FDA Drug Safety Podcast for Healthcare Professionals: Updated information about the drug interaction between methylene blue and serotonergic psychiatric medications (methylthioninium chloride) and serotonergic psychiatric medications | FDA and much more comprehensive coverage of methylene blue adverse effects with special warnings for professionals can be found at Methylene Blue Monograph for Professionals – Drugs.com   3 Half_a_century_of_antidepressant_drugs_-20151101-21548-vmvosk-libre.pdf. Also see Methylene Blue: The Long and Winding Road From Stain to Brain: Part 2 – PubMed and Methylene Blue in the Treatment of Neuropsychiatric Disorders – PubMed; and Iproniazid | Antidepressant, Monoamine Oxidase Inhibitor & Mental Health | Britannica; Methylene Blue: The Long and Winding Road From Stain to Brain: Part 2 – PubMed; Monoaminergic neurotransmission: the history of the discovery of antidepressants from 1950s until today – PubMed. These cover the fascinating history of MAOIs and Methylene Blue.    4 The currently approved MAOI antidepressants are phenelzine (Nardil), tranylcypromine (Parnate), selegiline (Eldpryl, Emsam, Zelapar)), and isocarboxazid (Marplan).     ______   Learn more about Dr. Peter Breggin's work: https://breggin.com/   See more from Dr. Breggin's long history of being a reformer in psychiatry: https://breggin.com/Psychiatry-as-an-Instrument-of-Social-and-Political-Control   Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal, the how-to manual @ https://breggin.com/a-guide-for-prescribers-therapists-patients-and-their-families/   Get a copy of Dr. Breggin's latest book: WHO ARE THE “THEY” - THESE GLOBAL PREDATORS? WHAT ARE THEIR MOTIVES AND THEIR PLANS FOR US? HOW CAN WE DEFEND AGAINST THEM? Covid-19 and the Global Predators: We are the Prey Get a copy: https://www.wearetheprey.com/   “No other book so comprehensively covers the details of COVID-19 criminal conduct as well as its origins in a network of global predators seeking wealth and power at the expense of human freedom and prosperity, under cover of false public health policies.”   ~ Robert F Kennedy, Jr Author of #1 bestseller The Real Anthony Fauci and Founder, Chairman and Chief Legal Counsel for Children's Health Defense.

Of Funerals and Families; Part Two. In 25 parts, edited from the works of FinalStand. Listen and subscribe to the ► Podcast at Connected.. “Birthed by stars, in immortal light, so why do we assume we pass into Darkness.” A maniac conducted the orchestra, while every section fought for dominance without a thought to the opera unfolding under its twittering cacophony. That is how it felt as I steeled myself for the service, but my musings were a fantasy. I had a swirling company of my twenty inductees, two Amazons, plus Rachel's detail and Esmeralda coordinating all the traffic. Pamela was absent. Buffy was the one in charge, deciding who got how close and under what level of scrutiny. The presence of law enforcement was made obvious by our vigilance, with mutual hostility being declared. The government was catching up with how they'd been screwed over. They couldn't prove a thing yet, although they had missed an entire day trailing after me. They also had new leadership. Pamela had expelled Theodora with the simple application of Conflict of Interest. Nicole and Pratt had joined me in my suite, so I was suitably armored when the Feds made their next run at me. I had stepped up in the world, so I was rewarded with a new attack plan. Her name was Assistant Federal District Attorney Javiera Castello, and two seconds of eye contact made precisely transparent what a hurricane she was going to bring to my life. Sex? Oh yeah, she was already figuring what penitentiary to send me to so she could make monthly visits. An impressive dicking wasn't going to save me this time. She was professional, polite and courteous concerning my mourning without being false. Theodora's strategy assumed I was the man who graduated from Bolingbrook a few months back. My history was clear and muddy enough to be real. I was what my documentation said I was; until Havenstone. Theodora had waved the flags and charged the barricades only to discover too late that my defenses weren't manned by a lone yahoo with a bow and arrow, but with mortars and machineguns and her troops had been scattered, her plans shredded. Javiera had my measure now. I was a Prince. Of what, she didn't know yet. She was going to find out. Not out of some fatalistic curiosity, but because that's where the bread crumbs led. Dad was what he appeared to be, that plot of land was relatively worthless and two groups of professional killers had fought and died dragging my father either away, or to safety. I work with some scary-smart ladies. "Ms. Castello, would you care to travel with me to the service?" I turned to her at the last moment. I was a clever puppy, good with women and I wasn't trying to be a politician. Javiera took my gesture for what it was; an olive branch. I was offering to be less of an obstructionist, and she was willing to forgo retribution for my earlier stunts. Five minutes down the road in the stretch limo, I could see the question eating Javiera up inside. She was honoring my melancholy; I could almost hear Dad saying, 'Son, you have company' as a persistent reminder to his petulant teenage slacker that I was a member of the Human Equation. "What do you want to ask me?" I gathered my civility to the fore. Nicole shifted so that we were making eye contact. "Is there a limit to how many questions?" she started off with. I didn't say 'One and that was it'. "I've been told it will take us thirty-two minutes to the cemetery," I looked at my watch. "That gives us; twenty-six minutes," I offered. "Why all the hostility?" led the charge. "A variety of people consider my life to have some value. For a few it is personal. For most, they attach a more esoteric price tag on my existence," I replied. "That is vague enough to be useless," she gently scolded me. Oh, I could see that both Javiera and Nicole were about to play Nutcracker with my heritage until it was the consistency of warm peanut butter. "I am the member of not one, but two secret societies," I kept steady eye contact with her. Yes; there was that look I was slowly becoming accustomed to; that one that conveyed 'what you said made no sense, so why aren't you lying to me?' "Which ones?" Javiera rebounded quickly. "Perhaps we should discuss this at a later time," Nicole reposed. "Nicole," I patted her knee, "how would you feel if you got Javiera murdered?" "That thought shouldn't even be;” she stated. "Nicole, I'm worried enough about you. People know I like you, so they may not kill you for looking in the wrong trash bin," I explained. "She doesn't even have that rather tenuous screen." "Was it one, or both secret societies that shot and killed your father?" Javier continued. "Without a doubt it was an accident. The all-female group was simply scouting the location out as part of forming a contingency plan," I said. "The other group showed up to kidnap my father to interrogate him; I'm not going to tell you why." "The first group identified themselves and the second group began shooting. In the process of grabbing my father, they shot him three times. In the process of taking him to one of their cars, the living lady engaged them in a final firefight. They abandoned my father and left." "You seem to know a great deal about what happened," Javiera noted. "I've seen the footage the first group took from their helmet cams," I told her. "Is there any way I could see that?" she prodded. "By no human means I can think of," I shrugged. "Feel free to ask that extremely venomous lady sitting next to you. Her name is Rachel," I made the introduction. "She remains under the impression that killing people around me will somehow save me from myself," I added. "I not only trust her, I trust her with the lives of my daughters." "You don't have any children we are aware of," Javiera wondered. "Rachel knows what I mean," I gave a lopsided grin. Rachel knew alright. I wasn't asking her to save me with that statement. I was asking her to save my future. "What is with all the women? I'm a believer in gender equality. You seem to lack any male employees, period. Is this a permutation of a harem?" Javier opened another line of investigation. Rachel and Buffy quickly snorted their amusement then returned to their not-so-subtle aggression. I was sure my chauffeur, Tiger Lily, was snickering it up too, beyond the glass. Sigh. "That was uncalled for," I frowned at the Fed. "Five Google searches and you should know all about Havenstone's hiring practices. Ask what you want to ask. Don't try to trick me. I am definitely not in the mood." "Why are you in charge; a male over Havenstone employees that certainly have more skill and experience at; just about everything?" Javiera came clean. "Put on your hip-waders," I groaned. "This is going to suck." I waited until I had her undivided attention. "A long time ago, I killed a group of really bad people," I grunted. I could see that she wasn't buying it despite her interrogation senses saying I was being truthful. "When I say a long time ago, I mean about 2500 years ago." Sigh. "Before you start tossing Thorazine at me, all you need to accept is that every one of those women around me believes that to be true." "So this is a cult?" Javiera inquired bravely. "Put it this way. I'm sure you practice a martial art of some kind. You probably have a chromatic belt that you are rather proud of. It will not help you. These women are professional killers. I'm pretty sure there are a dozen unidentified corpses that could be attributed to these two." I already knew that Buffy killed some guys. Rachel? She was a team leader, so I was willing to have faith in her ability to remorselessly end another person's life. Javiera must have volunteered for my personal fiasco. "Are you being held against your will?" she looked so vigilant and intent. "I can get you out." "No," a dry chuckle. "I'm; not good; getting by. There is no way in Hell I'm leaving Havenstone. I can hardly kill all the people responsible for my father's death if I did that." "If you seek personal vengeance, I will be forced to bring every legal power to bear to stop you," she felt bound to threaten me. "Don't stop being you on my account, Ms. Castello," I finally managed a smile. It was sincere and Javiera knew it. "Who? Maybe I can catch them before you do?" she offered me an escape clause. "You will know it when you see it," I took a deep breath. "Do not try anything at the funeral," she warned me. "Law enforcement will be all over the place." She really wanted to screw me in prison. I knew those things. "I'm not going to kill them there," I assured her. "They will be the ones running for their lives though." "How is that going to work?" Nicole finally broke my silence. "I have 27 ladies willing to kill on my command," I exaggerated. "When I tell those men I know they were responsible and that they should run for their lives, they are going to run for their lousy stinking lives." "But you are not going to give the order to have them killed," Javiera stated. She was getting my measure now. "No, but they don't know that and being horrible human beings, they will assume that I will have them murdered over my father's grave," I turned positively wolfish. "They will run and they will keep running because of you and yours, Javiera. They won't have guns because they don't want to be arrested," I finished. "Why are they afraid to be arrested?" Javiera was putting the puzzle together. That was our deal after all. "I can have repeated, heavenly sex on a train with a nun," I confessed. "I'm pretty sure I can arrange to have a scumbag killed in prison." "I think we can both agree my client is under a great deal of stress at this time," Nicole intervened. "I think we can agree your client is not Al Capone, much less Osama bin Laden," Javiera allowed. "I still think he is exceedingly dangerous." "Dangerous? Dangerous is dating in this town," I groaned. "Went out late last night to a dance club, met two sweet girls visiting the Windy City, stepped outside and they tried to kill me." "Do these two count as 'public'?" Buffy snarled. She meant Javiera and Nicole. Pratt was in another car and the only others with us were Rachel and me. This was going to hurt. "No," I sighed. Wham! The Charlie Horse from Hell! "That's why you have bodyguards, you jerk," Buffy nearly cried. "Ah; we were with him," Rachel tapped Buffy's upper arm. "Oh." Long pause. "I; I apologize," Buffy said sheepishly. "I had no idea you were getting smarter." That was probably the best apology I was going to get. It was still my fault. "You do it out of love, Buffy," I rubbed my arm. Buffy gave me a heartbreaking smile. "Was that domestic violence, or assault?" Javiera snarled. "Neither one is allowable under Illinois law." "It is a Human Resources Team-building tool," I lied. "In some places it is called Obedience Training, or Negative Reinforcement." "I have never seen another human being take a beating like Cáel can," Rachel complimented me. "He is also incredible in the bed room," Buffy added on. Javier didn't know what to make of the menagerie of 'not-normal' women who hung around me. She locked eyes with Buffy. "I mean Really fantastic," Buffy licked her lips. Nicole nodded in agreement. "I can't use any of this," Javiera muttered after several minute of silence. "It is all a type of shared delusion; with fourteen dead bodies attached to it." "Ah, the guy with both femoral arteries shot out made it? Whoa, we've got some top notch surgeons in this city," I nodded. "Yes. As opposed to those two men who had their heads shot off," Javiera added bitterly. Reminding her that poor Horace of the Burnham PD had done the deeds was pointless. "Who died?" I attempted some reciprocity from Javiera. She'd read through every public aspect of my life and had talked to me for less than ten minutes. She excelled at her craft; punishing lawbreakers. "I conclude you know the name of the three dead women and the one living one," she began, "because we haven't a clue who they really are. Their cover identities aren't perfect. We simply can't get anything about them behind the fallacy of their existence." She waited. "If you can help us put the wounded woman in some sort of shared protective custody, I can probably 'suggest' that she be more cooperative," I counter-offered. Rachel nodded. "The eight other bodies at the house;” Javiera shook her head. "Four were dead and by that I mean reported dead from four to nine years ago. The rest; Hell, they were all twisted fucking savages. Every one of them had Interpol warrants out for them, for questioning. No accusations seemed to stick to them: misplaced evidence, dead witnesses and falsified death certificates." "Does this mean anything to you?" Javiera paused to get some more information. "Yes. Reference the men running for their lives," I nodded. "Cáel?" Rachel cautioned me. "This is not something you can rush into." "Actually, it was you who clued me in, Rachel," I looked at her. "Given an opportunity to have only one gun of a given type, would you choose one you knew intimately, or a totally random one?" was my rhetorical question. Professionals trained with a large variety of weapons, yet every Amazon I had met had a preferred weapon; one that if they could have it with them, they would. "The Zastava M2," Rachel nodded. "It is not used in too many places and only Peru in this hemisphere. Someone really loved that gun; enough to bring it from whatever killing field where he was currently employed to my home," I said. "Since the other likely culprit passed on a chance to kill me last night, I am sure enough to pick a fight." (Holy Cross) It had to be odd in so many ways for the people who knew Dad and, to a lesser extent, me. They gathered by the graveside. It wasn't much. Dad had been cremated as had Mom. They had these small granite markers; no headstones for them. They had been so much in love. All they wanted is to be laid to rest, side by side. Mom had insisted on cremation. I thought I knew why, but it had done no good. The true oddity was obvious. The islet of normalcy was the small funerary party with me. My Aunt; my Father's Sister; was here and somewhat in shock. She and Dad hadn't been close; so much unsaid. When my Grandparents died, Dad was only nineteen and Stella was sixteen. Stella's lifelong friend had moved to Maryland a few months previously. Stella reached out to her friend, her friend's parents talked to Dad and Stella went to off to be a mariner. Seeing her occasionally as I was growing up was the extent of our relationship. The priest did his thing. I wondered what Christ thought of this mystic fur ball that was the amalgam of my life. My hope was that he was quietly urging me to do the right thing. The Padre finished, the co-workers and neighbors came by to give their condolences and then ran the gauntlet. The gauntlet? Yes, the herd of Amazons, O'Shea kin and four other clumps of people who I didn't know, yet undoubtedly would soon. Selena and Miyako were present along with a third female who looked luscious in a burqa-shaped covering and a diaphanous veil. Javiera, Pratt and Nicole were somewhat out of place with their lack of arrogant lethality. A limo driver came to take Stella away. "I have some issues to deal with, Aunt Stella," I comforted her. "Vér a vér." It had been ages since she'd heard Hungarian so she wasn't sure what I meant, but she knew it was bad. One of my O'Shea aunts was coming my way until the menace of the closing Amazons halted her. The others had no clue what they were about to behold. I doubt outsiders had ever been privileged to witness anything like it. This was a declaration; it was my mission statement. Ishara did not hide. I took off my coat, folded it, placed it on the damp grass then knelt on it. Buffy stepped up with the bowl of incense and followed my 'coat to keep your knees clean' stunt, sitting perpendicular on my right. Helena followed suit on my left, placing a shroud over my head and leaned over the bowl. Gamble number one: the incense lit up instantly. Gamble number two: it really did burn my eyes; no more Desiree slapping me around. I was sure she'd be heartbroken. Gamble number three: while using my nifty little Amazon blade to gather my tears, I managed not to cut myself. The inductees were much more impressed when they realized what I was doing under my head covering. The next step had me pulling back the shroud, standing up, and striding over the burning bowl of incense. Helena called out the first name. The lady didn't need any prodding. The Amazon walked over to my coat and knelt. Helena wrote down her name and handed her the slip of paper. My Keeper motioned to the bowl. The first applicant placed her named slip of paper on the embers. The simple message flashed up and was consumed. That was unlooked for. I declared her old self dead. With my tears, I opened her eyes to our ancestral history and with blood, I brought her into our future. She had entered House Ishara. She wasn't the only one crying either. What Rachel and her team thought was unknown to me. They were being hyper-vigilant. Esmeralda kept stealing glances our way. Things went along with joyous solemnity until the fourteenth woman, Alicia, knelt before me. Helena handed the paper over, the Amazon dropped it on the incense and nothing happened. I was about to move on to the next part of the ritual when I caught sight of that. Buffy, Helena and the lady were all staring at the offending bit of tinder. I bent over and, with my index finger, pushed it into the embers. Nothing; no heat, or fiery consumption. I put some spit on my finger and pushed again. This time it burned me. The paper was fine. Damn it; 'Come on Ishara!' I screamed mentally. 'Can't I have a simple bit of theater without you mangling someone's dreams?' There was no supernatural scolding, or retort. "Alicia, Ishara believes you have not yet finished your walk outside our House," I consoled the woman; Alicia Holt. As she stood up, faced gripped with disbelief, Buffy rose and took her away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alicia shoot me a poisonous look. Buffy had anticipated this and was making sure the woman didn't make a scene. The last six women were even more nervous than the previous thirteen. Thankfully, Ishara was accepting of the remainder and we all transited to the group celebratory hug. Act one has passed safely, Act two had an unexpected bump and here came round three. The 'dignitaries' started swooping in. Outside of the O'Shea's, none of the guests wanted to have another group behind them, or hemming in them. Two of the groups held back and since one was composed entirely of Asians, I was betting the other group was the Egyptian Rite. One of my now four aunts came forward. My small crowd of Isharans gave her barely enough room to approach the grave. She placed a green rose upon my Mother's small marble marker. I wondered what my Mother would have thought of her sisters finally finding her; green rose? Who made green; probably the same sick son of a bitch who made female clones of himself? The other three followed suit, placing the roses in a radiating sunburst on the small piece of marble. Through the wall of Illuminati security came; the Missing Link. Oh My God. I had heard of V-chested males, but this was insane. I swear his upper arms were as big as my thighs. The problem was the hips and legs of the body didn't match-up to the torso, arms, neck (or lack thereof) and shoulders. The upper, steroid-addicted half belonged to a two meter tall giant. The lower half belonged to, maybe, a subpar man of a meter and a half This monster didn't have a receding hairline (actually, he did); he had a receding forehead. In homo-sapiens, if you roll a marble off their heads, it drops and hits the eyebrows. On this guy, it was a gentle ski-slope all the way down. "This is your Uncle Carrig," Brianna; I thought it was Brianna; made the introductions. I dialed up my Irish. Carrig meant; meant; 'rock'. Not 'the Rock' as in Dwayne Johnson. No, it meant 'rock' as in 'lump'. I had an Uncle Lumpy. How the fuck was I going to explain this at the next high school reunion? The answer was obvious. I'd parade out my four lava-stoked volcanic aunt-hotties and no one would be able to see old Uncle Lumpy over their sexual radiance. Perhaps being created in the form of a disfigured Neanderthal made Lumpy furious with the world. That might be why he wanted Grandpa to stay dead. Maybe; oh hell, Lumpy had serious family issues, as in he wanted to hump my aunts who only wanted to hump me. "Hello Uncle Carrig," I started out. "Thank you for; " "Shut up," he sneered. "I came here to see your whore of a mother one last time, not listen to your prattle." "Carrig, don't," Fiona intervened. "He is family." He took a deep breath. "I know why all of you want him in the Family," he snarled at his sisters. "Behave, or leave," I relayed in a far calmer voice than I felt. "I'll leave when I'm good and ready," Carrig turned his hate back on me. He put a finger to his nose and cleared his sinuses. The resulting sputum he launched at my Mother's tiny rock reminder was dead-on the money, gooey, white and full of phlegm. I looked at that defilement. This red-hot poker of rage seared through my mind. Instead, I laughed. It started as a stuttered utterance but grew and grew into a rich, resounding conquest of death and despair. "Wow, Unc; that was kind of pathetic," I chuckled. "It is impossible to imagine you ever breathed the same air, much less hold any genetic resemblance, to the greatest criminal mastermind of the past millennia. Seriously, spitting on a piece of stone was the most your orangutan-like, sloped-headed pea brain could come up with?" "After that (cough) brilliant bit of diplomacy, he's probably glad he's still dead and didn't have to witness your infantile blunder," I added. He was getting pissed; torn between his desires to pummel me, rip me to shreds, or storm off like a raging King Kong. "You know, when they killed Grandpa, they told me he made a noise like a stuck pig," I mirthfully met his hateful glare. "For a moment, they thought they'd killed the wrong man." "They suspected you and Granddad were in the next chamber, him ramming you up your sissy-ass for the umpteenth time because you are nothing but a ball-less wonder of a cast-off eunuch," I kept taunting him. "Then they recalled that you always squealed like a piglet, not a full grown boar, so they completed their mission and left," I refused to flinch before his vile hatred. "You think you are funny?" he leaned in and hissed. "I think you need a breath mint; and I am hilarious," I grinned. "I also think I'm the son Granddad always wanted, not you." That was me being mean; really mean. "We are not done," his eyes narrowed. "Take your pulse," I mocked him. "When it stops, we are finished. Until then, brush, use mouthwash and floss between meals. Your halitosis is truly offensive and worse, I think you are aware of it, yet still you refuse to respect other people's personal boundaries." "We should go brother," Deidre beckoned. She couldn't hide her amusement at his discomfort and humiliation. Uncle Carrig pivoted and back-handed her. Deidre went flying, but my idiot kinsman didn't have long to savor his win. I hit him with two lightning blows. My first thought was that I had dislocated a few of my fingers from hitting his jaw. Wasn't there a Bond villain like that? Carrig turned on me, a feral fury brimming just beneath the surface. "That's a breach, you cocky, snot-nosed punk," he sneered. Mass carnage was in the offing. "You remain painfully ignorant, Uncle Carrig," I took a half-step back. "Take your punishment now, or later," he coughed. "It makes no difference to me." "First off, Carrig, timing should be a poignant concern. Second, you have only now expended a great deal of your meager brain power convincing everyone here we are related; kin; O'Shea's," I explained. "Also, can I have my knife back?" "Knife?" he blinked suspiciously. "Yeah, the knife I left in your chest," I pointed. I said I hit him twice. Uncle Lumpy looked down and, sure enough, my handy little 10 cm blade was between his second and third rib on the right side. I hadn't wanted to kill him. I had wanted to hurt him and apparently failed at that; while sticking a blade almost up to the handle (Amazon personal blades have no hilt) into him; "What; how?" Lumpy was slowly clueing in that he might be in some trouble. "Brother," Brianna stepped up; shooting me a sultry, 'bend me over the closest headstone and bang me like your Goth prom date' look. I actually didn't go to my prom, Goth chicks are fun and Brianna didn't have panties on. Trust me; I have ESP concerning such things. Of more immediate concern; "Carrig, don't pull out the knife," she placed herself between us, facing him. "You will bleed all over the place." "I'm about to ram it down his ass through his throat," he snarled, clearly educationally challenged. I'd left the blade there for that very reason; not have him fountain blood all over the gravesite. "How long is the blade?" Brianna asked me. She already knew the answer. "10 cm," I was polite, "as is the knife every other Amazon carries." "Reach around and pull out the blade when I tell you," Brianna requested. "I will keep pressure on the wound." I had serious doubts she had an MD associated with her name which meant she knew something I didn't. I also had a more pressing conundrum. Per instructions, I was about to be pressing against Brianna's backside with the added benefit of a free hand. "So, do you want me to pat them, or give them a good rub?" I whispered to Brianna. I'd let he decide what treatment her ass was about to receive. "I figure if I reach around and massage your breasts, Carrig will lose it." "Cáel, take a firm hold. Be doubly sure you are ready before we begin," Brianna instructed. It wasn't the Di Vinci Code, but Carrig wasn't about to conquer a Denny's Kid's Menu (it has little games on it) anytime soon either. Brianna wanted double penetration and, in the name of renewing family relations and my inability to resist any available woman for more than a few days, I complied. Then the horror came crashing in; I hadn't had sex all day and it was almost 10 am. "Don't move, Uncle," I cautioned him. I used those words to conceal the sound of Brianna's skirt zipper going down. I used my other hand to gingerly grab my weapon; the knife; jeesh. Brianna spread her legs wider so that the tension kept her apparel from slipping down. My free hand went inside and got to work. Fortunately, Brianna's hands pressing above and below the wound distracted Carrig from her cute, precious whimpering noises. I must be a total dick. I was stroking my aunt/clone mother with two fingers and teasing her bunghole with my thumb while pulling a knife from my uncle's chest. What is wrong with me? For that matter, Ishara could stymie the ambitions of some poor 'Runner', yet decided her prime minion doing this was a good thing? I work for some screwed up people; dead and alive. "Okay, I'm about to do it," I warned them both. Brianna was kind enough to roll her hips forward and ass up for more direct access. The blade came out, two fingers thrust into her depths, Carrig grunted more in annoyance than any physical distraction and Brianna gasped with piteous need. Before Carrig could start to connect A to B to C, I withdrew my fingers and zipped Brianna up. As I started to withdraw, Brianna acted like my loins were velcroed to her posterior. "Bad Girl," I quietly gave her a risqué reproach. She let me go. Then it hit me like a meteor; I had caused Brianna to orgasm, and hard, with one touch. In fact, she was still roughly riding through it. The mental discipline needed to mask her arousal was impressive. She had no control over her aromatic qualities, Lumpy's nostrils were working fine and his hateful, beady rodent-like eyes latched back on me. "I'm going to kill you," he screamed. Carrig definitely wanted to screw his sisters and they had certainly been denying him. I was curious how that had been accomplished. As he shoved Brianna aside, my suspicion about the seriousness of my wound to his chest was confirmed. I hadn't punched through his heavy corded muscle tissue; with a 10 cm blade. Fuck a duck. If Uncle Carrig got those horrifically huge paws of his on me, I'd be paper-mâché in a hurricane; turned into veal; the very tenderized kind. That wasn't going to happen because of a little factor called crowd density. Most notably, he was in the midst of a passel of Amazons invested in my well-being. A sliver of the O'Shea family dynamic took hold. As usual, it sucked to be me. The four O'Shea ladies rallied around Carrig, cautiously pulled him back then ushered him into the steely embrace of their security. Why did that mean it sucked to be me? In a momentary visual exchange, I understood what Lumpy instinctually sensed when he showed up today. His reign as the place-holder for me was coming to an end. The second my Aunts recruited me over to their side, he was a goner. Obviously they had all the real intellect on that side of the clan. Poor Lumpy merely stomped around and acted like the socially maladjusted homicidal maniac he was. Once the journey to Grandpa's house began, he would cease to have any value whatsoever. Behind his animalistic, dull eyes, we shared that. Tragically, but most likely by design, Carrig couldn't develop a new set of skills to adapt to the situation. The best example I could come up with was; Imagine the last of the super-large amphibious predators confronting the first of the true dinosaur apex carnivores. Somewhere in that tiny amphibian brain, it knew it was screwed. Evolution simply hadn't left it an 'out'. It couldn't get bigger, faster, or more ferocious. It had maxxed out those traits for that model. Nope, it was toast and nothing could save it. As I processed that, the rest of that train of thought came tumbling down. Lumpy was a dead man. He'd hit one of his sisters in front of me which was precisely what they wanted. Deidre hadn't come by my place on Monday to warn me that Uncle Blockhead was trying to kill me. She was prepping me for the knowledge that they had killed Lumpy; to save me. Those incestuous nightmares had trotted Uncle Carrig out like a Barnum  and  Bailey Sasquatch, to loud acclaim and fanfare. Before I could do some in depth research/check to see if this was the 'real' Sasquatch, he would vanish aka be killed to save me. Well played ladies. They should have taken into account I worked for Katrina Love. Katrina undoubtedly played three-dimensional chess on-line so she could lure out the true Vulcans trapped on Earth. My aunts' straw man wasn't going to cut it. Back to the reality that included my father never again enjoying my meandering thoughts over dinner. Back to the other curious 'real' players as they moved in, having soaked up my ceremony and our O'Shea family struggle. If there as a benefit in that misadventure, it was the look on the faces of the two most distant groups. The ambassadors had on their poker faces. I was two decades away from having a chance of deciphering them. Foolish mortals, both groups had brought women with them though. That was not to imply that women can't keep secrets; they are among the experts. It wasn't secrets they were defending though; it was the interaction between Brianna and me that opened them up. If you are a woman and you see a man bring a different woman to orgasm with his fingers in under ten seconds and you are NOT intrigued, you have been sexually neutered. Even if you are a lesbian, you want your lover to pick up that technique. From the level of interest coming my way, I could tell what their bosses/associates really thought of me. The lady who was already thinking how to pull me aside at the reception was also projecting that I had piqued her co-workers, despite their feigned disinterest. The one who was plotting out how to disguise herself as a maid, so she could hide in my bathroom closet until I came in for a shower this evening. Then the feigned interrogation/instructional demonstration could begin, which told me they had chosen to not leave Chicago today despite previous travel plans. The three assholes won the social dare contest and approached me next. They were cool, somewhat disdainful and not a party to the murderous program that led us here today. They were still Condotteiri, thus my enemies and slayers of my Dad. "Mr. Nyilas," a smooth talking Canadian male began, "I wish to pass on the condolences of; " "I know it was you," I broke in. The Canadian; Ottawa, I thought; stopped talking, allowing me to vent. "You killed my father, you fucks. Now here is your 'I got drunk and stuck my cock in a meat grinder only to discover some other moron plugged it in' bullet to the brain. I am not only Cáel Nyilas, I am Cáel Ishara and Cáel, grandson of Cáel O'Shea," I narrowed my vision to menacing slits. "I will let you figure out which Goddess is Ishara as well as the convoluted genetics that has resurrected male Amazons. I want you to know that my father was the Head of House Ishara. You killed a Factor of the Illuminati, the 'Voice' of one of the Nine Clans, one of your own Generals, a Grand Master of the Egyptian Rite, a Ba Wang of the 7 Pillars, or a Chosen Son or Daughter, of Earth  and  Sky "That's right," I let the fear sink in. "This goes beyond a breach, Dumbass. You BROKE the Truce and have ended the Protocols by killing an Amazon leader. I'm sure claims of ignorance by your Generals will be taken for the empty blathering they are. It is time for your blood to soak the sacred soil of my father's place of entombment." Having buried him and his two cohorts in a rockslide of truth, my final bluff passed unrevealed for the empty threat it was. I could see by the looks in their eyes. Amazons didn't care about law enforcement. They would kill those three, vanish into the surrounds then slink back to their secret compounds. It was how the Condotteiri thought Amazon's worked. "Or," I grumbled, "Are you going to make me and my sisters hunt you down and work for it. Killing you with our knives is going to be;” I was saying when their retreat began. I was going to say 'messy'. Those three took a half-dozen steps back then ran for it. Now the stage was fully set. The three members of the Nine Clans came next. I took a totally different tone. Selena stepped up to speak, bowing as she started to speak. "We wish;” she started. There was a lot of interrupting going on today. "Please do not bow to me," I requested softly. "We have fought and it seems inappropriate to me that, without there being a martial decision, we cannot be sure who should be more respectful to whom," I suggested. Selena quickly switched gears. She and her two female companions were now openly staring at me. "My Sith Lady is most likely preparing for trouble at my most vulnerable point," I told Selena. "I'm much more trouble than I first appear," I added. A hiccup in the conversation took place. "You are the male Head of an Amazon House; how?" Selena questioned. "My father and the fathers before him carried the genes of the original Ishara. When Her daughters died out, the legacy fell to me," I explained. Really smart girls; really, really smart girls. "You do not have any daughters, so your first born daughter will be the next Head of your House," the Hashashin noted quickly. "Of any line?" Ah, the siren call of 'please have unprotected sex with me, Mr. Studmuffin. Not only will I walk bow-legged for a week afterwards, I'll have a political tool to use for a lifetime.' "Yes, that is true. Please understand, unless you can catch a thrown tomahawk with your feet, I can't say you are at the top of the list," I sighed. "Speaking of the acrobat of my dreams, how are you doing Miyako?" I knocked away at the barrier between our respective groups. I could hardly be considered an Amazon if I wasn't stacking the odds against the Condotteiri, now could I? On came that child-like Nipponese girl's smile that made me want to double-check her ID for proof of age. "It is recovering nicely. Thank you, Ishara-sama," she smiled warmly. "May I see?" I inquired. Miyako nodded so I went down until I was balanced on the balls of my feet. She deftly slipped out of one of her shoes, placed her foot on my knee then began rolling up the pants leg until the bandage was revealed. In the past few hours my medical knowledge had not increased one iota. I was pretty sure that Miyako knew what this doctor's visit was really all about. I gently massaged her leg from ankle to knee, examining it for flaws and weaknesses. I received some manna from Heaven when I stumbled upon a muscle spasm in her foot arch. I worked it out in under thirty seconds and she gave me a musical murmur of relief when I was done. I put her shoe back on and rolled down her trouser leg. "I would still like you to see our medic if you could spare the half-hour," I offered as I stood. "If it would ease any misconceptions about our first encounter, I will do it," Miyako changed her mind from last night. My next neural misfire was 'Did I pack enough condoms to do all these girls I've been promising to fuck since I got here?' "Estere Abed," the thinly-veiled applicant to be the mother of my first child introduced herself. I was at my father's funeral, I'd been hit with the realization that my incestuous aunts are going to emasculate the uncle I'd just met before they kill him, and I was talking to a woman with skin the color of well-seasoned Oak, eyes as dark as expresso-roasted coffee beans (so deeply brown they were almost black), a pale turquoise, virtually transparent pretend-burqa, with inner, skimpy clothing bits keeping her barely street-legal and visualizing what our daughter would look like. "I am of Kurdish extraction," she lowered her head minutely. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Not only was a-bed something I was seriously considering with this woman, Estere was a Kurdish name of Old Persian extraction. It meant Ishtar; who was the advanced incarnation of Ishara. Bitch; aimed up at my Matron Goddess and Ancestral Mother turned Dominatrixes of my soul. "How; how mystically convergent that is," I grumbled. "I apologize. Me and my matron Ball-buster are exchanging psychic barbs at the moment. Had you somehow predicted this would have happened, I would be happier. With my luck though, this is accidental from the perspective of the mortal plane, thus a point of incredible annoyance to me right now." "Do you often talk to your ancestors?" Estere inquired politely. "Only after I've done something bad," I groaned. "Usually my Goddess is short on instructions yet always ready with 'I told you so'." "How can she chastise you for doing wrong if she fails to give you direction?" Estere was so sincere. I had to keep in mind she was a professional librarian with the nasty habit of misfiling people's lives. "I can tell you don't deal with the Spirit World much," I gave a sad grin. "The last time she gave me a prod, I was staring down a life sentence in a dog cage; after I was condemned, not before." "You escaped," she reminded me with a sparkle. I gave a harsh laugh. "No; no, I didn't," I said. "I'll prove it." I lashed out at Estere. She turned my strike aside and was about to do something I assumed would be unfortunate for me when she restrained herself. "See, Estere, you've been doing this most of your life. I'm a college kid who had a good fortune to meet and be guided by a series of stellar women." She nodded. She didn't understand yet she wanted to remain sympathetic. "I'm playing catch up in an incredibly lethal chess match," I continued. "My advantage is I'm not fuck-nuts crazy like the rest of you people. I don't mean to insult you. I simply want to make it clear how I feel. All the societies are spiritually malformed blights on reality; evil, twisted and predatory." "But you like us," she observed. "I'm going to Hell," I risked much by brushing her nose with my finger from brow to the edge of the veil. "I might as well enjoy the journey." Since I returned with all the fingers I started out with, I could tell she appreciated my caress. Our other guests were getting restless, so I had to end our interaction there. A lone man approached. He looked to be a Turkish/Mongolian mixture and he was uncomfortable with the way the situation had developed. I doubt I had offended him. It was much more the scope of this informal meeting had gone way above his pay grade. As he was from the Earth  and  Sky, the Amazons' hostility simmered. I countered that by being as civil as possible. The emissary, Iskender, gave his condolences, I thanked him for his respect and entered into a small conversation. When he figured out who the Magyar were, he smiled. Iskender was a Kyrgyz, a Turkish people from Central Asia, and we bonded over our male progenitors having saddled up on our nomad ponies, making Eurasia tremble. I was putting forth the effort to make him feel welcome. That was the message for him to take home. Not all the Amazons were going to have their knee-jerk reaction to the E and S's goal. Next came the Seven Pillars, mainly because the Egyptians seemed ready to wait for the grass to devour them before coming my way. Now I had to pillage the vaults of my crafty interpersonal skills to do this correctly. Two men, endowed with as much racial supremacy as Ursula, if not more, introduced themselves. Slight bowing, polite English and the proper, rehearsed words flowed from their mouths. They didn't look down on me; the reason being that behind their perfect civility, they considered me and mine to be inconsequential. The nice female of an indeterminate South Asian lineage had that haunted look of someone made to do horrible things just to survive. A flash of the macabre dumped a memory of her strangling homeless people in some back alleys with barbed wire; so it would hurt them both; training, Seven Pillars style. "Thank you for paying your respects at my father's grave," I started. They hadn't, btw. "I only ask for two things, please," I added humbly. "May I see her palms for a moment?" I asked the man. The woman was clearly a servant; some sort of Palace Guard/Fuck Slave. The leader nodded. The girl was never consulted. Her hands came forward and they rolled so that I saw the scars on her palm; screw you, Ishara. I don't want to care about her. My day planner was more than full with anguish as it was. No answer. "I appreciate it," I smiled. I waited, keeping eye contact. "Was there something else?" the leader finally gave in. "Oh yes," I smiled and nodded. "Don't get in our way. Behave, stay put on that rotting, rubble pile of a decadent and faded civilization you call Heaven and let us do what needs to be done." "Is that clear enough, or do I need to send you both home with your irradiated testicles in jars?" I kept politely smiling and nodding. I was threatening to make them eunuchs with the bonus of having their precious genetics rendered useless. The girl was giving off minute reactive tremors. That was okay. I had been anything, but quiet. Twenty Amazons were ready and willing to make my threat a reality. I wasn't sure how they would break into Fermi Labs for the radiological material, but their resourcefulness never failed to amaze me. The two guys from the Seven Pillars were standing there, not sure what to do next. I had insulted and threatened them; emissaries. Didn't they realize Amazons had been killing poor bastards entreating them for peace for several millennia? "Beat it," I snapped with authority. "I'm done with you. Take my words back to your masters and pray they excuse your gutless reaction. Don't let the airport hit you in the ass." Ugly American? I was the God Damn Bearded Woman/Dog Boy American and their facades were finally fraying around the edges and not the least because going home and telling their bosses my exact words was going to be; well, the positive spin they put on it had better be impressive. They left with their confident poise while the Egyptians approached with a bit of trepidation. Calling me erratic and volatile was being overly kind. My bet was the older male was in charge, but my age and lusty actions convinced them to put the younger woman forward. The younger male bodyguard wasn't even paying attention to me. If the shit went south, he knew he was a goner. "Greetings Cáel Ishara, it seems," she offered my hand to shake. In Old Kingdom Egyptian he said; "May the Blessed Isis bring understanding to this greeting," I countered. Both she and the old man blinked. The rest was in the Egyptian of Ramses and Seti. "It is wonderful to see you speak our sacred tongue; or a close proximity," she smiled. Not only was she generally happy, she was also pretty sure a very unfortunate confrontation was not in the offing. The bodyguard knew of the language but not enough to make out what was being said. The young lady and old man were more than happy to switch to this rare form of communication. We chatted. Things like funerary rites, thoughts on the afterlife and the role of the supernatural in the modern world all came up. No secrets were exchanged and we actually went over some ancient jokes and ribald tales. Buffy's coughing brought us out of our reverie. They taught me the proper Egyptian Rite greeting and farewell, departing in peace. The Amazons were stirring. It was time to head to the cars then on to the wake. "I do not understand you," Javiera grumbled. "You insulted multiple people, including threats of death and dismemberment. You struck and stabbed; something, but not before he knocked a women nearly three meters. I am not even sure that; relative of yours qualifies as human." "I don't know how to approach you and that woman/aunt/whatever," she continued. "Was that incest, public sex, or sexual assault since I didn't hear her give permission for you to do; that?" Whoops; jealousy. Nicole was a half-step back so she could hide her insidious smirk. She already knew I was a bad, bad boy. "I don't know if this makes it better, or worse, but that; those women are not just my aunts. They are the genetic duplicates of my mother and if you think it is funny that they look to be about my age; you wouldn't be alone," I sighed. "Is your mother dead?" she seethed. "Normally, I would take a Death Certificate, mortuary report and a grave marker to be enough. Not with you." "When I was seven years old I saw her very sick in the hospital. I never saw her die, or the cremation, so with my crazy life I'm not going to swear that she's no longer of this Earth," I confessed. "The only one who would know for sure would be; " "Your father," Javiera answered. I began crying all over again. That was it. When I wanted someone dead, I was going to personally put a stake in their hearts, starting with me. This shit has gone down the rabbit hole. In that transitory micro-burst, I flipped. Not to crazy. I had spent my life believing in what was real; working out, girls, books, literature and art; things I could touch and feel, even if it was the air escaping my lungs as words, notes and sounds sprang forth. Now I had to take things on faith. Not 'faith' as in the calculated possibilities which is what most people really meant. I had to accept that there were things beyond my senses that I could not measure, or codify, and move my life forward understanding the total lack of a solid foundation I was basing my actions on. I needed to see Aya so much it hurt. "Are you going to arrest me?" I hiccupped. I was done bawling like a bereft child for a while. "For what?" Javiera snapped. "If I took this insanity before any judge I know, I'd be on Administrative Leave, if not out of a job altogether." "Oh yes," Nicole winked at me. "I was so looking forward to parading out the four identical aunts and the uncle/part-primate." Javiera shot Nicole a dirty look. "We need to go," Buffy reminded me. The only snag was the FBI guys, backed up by some Chicago PD, who intercepted Javiera as she walked with me to our limo. She had to separate for a minute to assure them she hadn't been kidnapped. After some rumbling, we were gifted with one FBI 'bodyguard' for Javiera. That was laughable. If a psychotic fit seized us, there would be two dead government officials instead of one. "Did you really stab that guy?" Special Agent Street Moslin asked once we were on our way. "My family believes in tough love," I muttered. "What sort of organized crime outfit are you with?" was next. "Pre-teen beauty pageants," I sighed. "You wouldn't believe how cutthroat they are." "It is a crime to lie to a criminal investigator," he countered. "And if this was an interrogation," Nicole sizzled, "you would have to Mirandize him." "He has already been Mirandized," the puppy yipped. "Oh? On the charge of Criminal Conspiracy to commit; clarify the charge for me," Nicole grinned. Street looked to Javiera. "What? Special Agent Moslin, consider yourself to not know a damn thing about what is going on and proceed from there," Javiera informed him. The poor bastard looked perplexed. "I will put your situation in context. The woman to my side (Rachel) is about to slit your throat. The woman (Buffy) next to Ms. Lawless is going to snap your neck. They do not give a crap that you, or I, are federal agents. The issue is not what will you do, it is which one gets to you first," Javiera glared at him. "Clear?" SA Street wasn't done yet. "They will get away with it because I suspect they already have such a contingency worked out," Javiera educated him. Javiera was yet Another really clever lady. "Call for our back-up vehicle, pull into a private driveway where you cannot legally follow us, abandon the vehicle, get picked up and leave the city on a private aircraft to another nation," Rachel sounded bored. That was so nice of her to assist Javiera out that way. "Thank you," I told Rachel. "That was very helpful of you." "I want the male to shut-up," Rachel answered. "He's grating. Worse, he's making me wish Pamela was with us and that is so wrong." I held up a finger to forestall Street. "Honestly Dude, she's is not messing with your head. She wants you to shut up, so please be quiet," I urged him. I conceptualized the assessment he was making. Crap. "Guy, whatever workout routine you think gives you the edge is what she does to warm up in the morning," I pleaded. Street had the 'she's only a girl' look about him. "Her combat training is with live rounds, real weapons and a plethora of scrapes, cuts and broken bones. I have little doubt that she's killed people, some in cold blood." "You being Top Shot at the local range and a Judo Champ isn't going to cut it," I emphasized. "You think she's some kind of Special Forces operator?" he mocked me. Javiera and Nicole got nervous. I didn't. Beginner's Amazon Psychology; male opinions do not matter. Rachel and Buffy weren't insulted because he was a chattering chimp and nothing more. "Have you ever heard of an all-female Special Forces unit?" I prodded. "No," he snorted. I kept staring; and staring; and then the idea began creeping in. "Where do you train?" Street looked at Rachel. Rachel was looking at him, not 'at' him. "Please Rachel," I requested. That was really for Javiera's benefit. "Physical training started at age five, weapons training at nine, survival testing at twelve, craft training at fifteen, and acceptance at nineteen," she rattled off in a monotone. "I am thirty." "What is 'craft training'?" Javiera inquired. "Learning to kill people and destroy things," she began. "My specialties are small unit tactics, security operations, electronic countermeasures and Recon Sniper," Rachel replied. "I am an accepted close combat trainer and handheld weapon expert. Do I need to explain any of that?" Pause. Street snorted. "Do you ever sleep?" Street joked. Rachel looked to me then rolled her eyes. "Yes. Six hours; every day unless duty intervenes," she said. "Right; so, what martial arts style do you practice?" he asked. "Not one you have ever heard of," Rachel took a deep breath. "Try me," Street entreated. "I've practiced with several." "Male, do I look like I enjoy talking to you?" Rachel glared. "To alleviate your obvious confusion, I do not. If you wish to lower the hostility level, hand me your pistol and the sap at your back. Your possession of said weapons in the presence of Cáel complicates my job. This is almost as irritating is restraining myself from taking them from you like the infant you are." "You think you could?" Street challenged her. "I was with the 82nd Airborne in Afghanistan." "Special Agent Moslin, she doesn't care. You might as well have told her you were a weekend security guard at an amusement park," I reasoned. "In her mind, being born with a penis renders all your accomplishments so much hyperbole; kind of how her having tits lowered your respect for her as a fighter." That successful ended that diversion. (The wake) Life was wonderful. I walked in the door of the Marshal Fields Jr. Mansion, Charlotte pulled me into a vacant side room and handed me a secure phone. She mouthed the name of the person on the other end. "Hayden," I sighed to my High Priestess. "Ishara (not using my first name was a bad sign), I have heard a report that you have declared war on the Condotteiri," she gave me the 'I'm going to skin you alive' purr. "Yep and I urinated on the Seven Pillars too," I confirmed. "Don't worry about the Illuminati. I've got that alliance sown up." "I'm going to have a member of the Nine Clans give me my first born, Ishara daughter, so that prospective alliance looks good as well," I added. "I even managed to be diplomatic with Earth  and  Sky. It is not even noon yet either. No need to thank me. Knowing you are thinking passionate thoughts about me is enough." Charlotte looked like her eyes were going to bug out. "We are clear on the fact that there are fifty two other houses in the House, aren't we Cáel?" Hayden murmured. "Hey now," I reposed, "you said to not pick a fight inside Havenstone. You didn't say anything about these sons of bitches on the outside. I also added nineteen new members. Ishara rejected one who I now think was a closet Man-hater's man-hater." "I want you to come back to Havenstone immediately and keep your mouth shut," she commanded. "The Council will be rightly furious." "With me?" I asked. "Of course with you," Hayden growled. "With the aid of the Federal Assistant Attorney, I received computer discs with extensive and sensitive data on Havenstone, including pictures and locations of Sydney and Marilynn, your daughter and granddaughter," I lied. "The feds seized the Condotteiri's private jet." Silence. "What? Why am I only now hearing of this?" Hayden inquired with a deathly calm. "Do you want me to work with the feds to finish hunting down those last two killers while I send someone back with the data?" I persisted. An oddly longer pause. "Katrina insists there is no data," Hayden seethed. "Of course there is no data," I snapped back. "Unlike you, I'm loyal to EVERY MEMBER of the Host, not just the ones I approve of! If I had something that important, it would be on the way to you, if not already in your hands. My House Head has been murdered. Support me; don't support me. It doesn't change that reality. You have lowered your worth in my eyes, Hayden. We will talk of this when I return." And I hung up. Charlotte kept gaping at me. "Do you think I was clear enough, Charlotte?" I asked her. "Yes Ishara," she whispered. "I doubt a single ancestor misconstrued your wrath." That stopped me in my tracks. A rank and file Amazon using my house name was perfectly acceptable. A Council 'equal' saying it was the equivalent of your pissed Mom yelling out your entire name. "You agree with me?" I blinked. "Had it been Fatima, Beyoncé, or Ngozi there would be no debate," Charlotte answered. "I don't like you; okay, beyond your physical magnetism I do not like you. You are still the Head of House Ishara and we believe that the ancestors move through you." By 'we' I imagine she meant Rachel's SD detachment. A social paradigm presented itself. Amazons were surprisingly democratic for such an ancient society. Their bonds of sisterhood gave them greater liberty than any other group I'd heard of. All could take their grievances to the highest authority. They could hate me and die for me at the same time, in the same way Charlotte could be honest at that moment. I was her superior in rank yet her equal in blood. "You realize that if you tell Buffy about this she'll beat me black and blue," I teased Charlotte. "No can do, Ishara," she chuckled. "She's your sister and, quite frankly, you wove this disaster and if anyone deserves to remind you of the trouble you've wrought, it is her." "I would call you a heartless Amazon, but that's kind of redundant," I glowered playfully. I couldn't hide with Charlotte in the side room forever. It was my father's wake after all. Out I went and there was Buffy waiting for me. "We have a problem," Buffy murmured to me as I headed to the main reception area/family room. "There are some questions concerning your Aunt Stella and the Ishara legacy." "Thank God," I muttered. My crisis was momentarily sidelined. I moved into the gathering, letting Helena and Buffy bring the Amazon to my corner. "Quick and easy," I stated as the last one j

Of Funerals and Families; Part Two. In 25 parts, edited from the works of FinalStand. Listen and subscribe to the ► Podcast at Connected.. “Birthed by stars, in immortal light, so why do we assume we pass into Darkness.” A maniac conducted the orchestra, while every section fought for dominance without a thought to the opera unfolding under its twittering cacophony. That is how it felt as I steeled myself for the service, but my musings were a fantasy. I had a swirling company of my twenty inductees, two Amazons, plus Rachel's detail and Esmeralda coordinating all the traffic. Pamela was absent. Buffy was the one in charge, deciding who got how close and under what level of scrutiny. The presence of law enforcement was made obvious by our vigilance, with mutual hostility being declared. The government was catching up with how they'd been screwed over. They couldn't prove a thing yet, although they had missed an entire day trailing after me. They also had new leadership. Pamela had expelled Theodora with the simple application of Conflict of Interest. Nicole and Pratt had joined me in my suite, so I was suitably armored when the Feds made their next run at me. I had stepped up in the world, so I was rewarded with a new attack plan. Her name was Assistant Federal District Attorney Javiera Castello, and two seconds of eye contact made precisely transparent what a hurricane she was going to bring to my life. Sex? Oh yeah, she was already figuring what penitentiary to send me to so she could make monthly visits. An impressive dicking wasn't going to save me this time. She was professional, polite and courteous concerning my mourning without being false. Theodora's strategy assumed I was the man who graduated from Bolingbrook a few months back. My history was clear and muddy enough to be real. I was what my documentation said I was; until Havenstone. Theodora had waved the flags and charged the barricades only to discover too late that my defenses weren't manned by a lone yahoo with a bow and arrow, but with mortars and machineguns and her troops had been scattered, her plans shredded. Javiera had my measure now. I was a Prince. Of what, she didn't know yet. She was going to find out. Not out of some fatalistic curiosity, but because that's where the bread crumbs led. Dad was what he appeared to be, that plot of land was relatively worthless and two groups of professional killers had fought and died dragging my father either away, or to safety. I work with some scary-smart ladies. "Ms. Castello, would you care to travel with me to the service?" I turned to her at the last moment. I was a clever puppy, good with women and I wasn't trying to be a politician. Javiera took my gesture for what it was; an olive branch. I was offering to be less of an obstructionist, and she was willing to forgo retribution for my earlier stunts. Five minutes down the road in the stretch limo, I could see the question eating Javiera up inside. She was honoring my melancholy; I could almost hear Dad saying, 'Son, you have company' as a persistent reminder to his petulant teenage slacker that I was a member of the Human Equation. "What do you want to ask me?" I gathered my civility to the fore. Nicole shifted so that we were making eye contact. "Is there a limit to how many questions?" she started off with. I didn't say 'One and that was it'. "I've been told it will take us thirty-two minutes to the cemetery," I looked at my watch. "That gives us; twenty-six minutes," I offered. "Why all the hostility?" led the charge. "A variety of people consider my life to have some value. For a few it is personal. For most, they attach a more esoteric price tag on my existence," I replied. "That is vague enough to be useless," she gently scolded me. Oh, I could see that both Javiera and Nicole were about to play Nutcracker with my heritage until it was the consistency of warm peanut butter. "I am the member of not one, but two secret societies," I kept steady eye contact with her. Yes; there was that look I was slowly becoming accustomed to; that one that conveyed 'what you said made no sense, so why aren't you lying to me?' "Which ones?" Javiera rebounded quickly. "Perhaps we should discuss this at a later time," Nicole reposed. "Nicole," I patted her knee, "how would you feel if you got Javiera murdered?" "That thought shouldn't even be;” she stated. "Nicole, I'm worried enough about you. People know I like you, so they may not kill you for looking in the wrong trash bin," I explained. "She doesn't even have that rather tenuous screen." "Was it one, or both secret societies that shot and killed your father?" Javier continued. "Without a doubt it was an accident. The all-female group was simply scouting the location out as part of forming a contingency plan," I said. "The other group showed up to kidnap my father to interrogate him; I'm not going to tell you why." "The first group identified themselves and the second group began shooting. In the process of grabbing my father, they shot him three times. In the process of taking him to one of their cars, the living lady engaged them in a final firefight. They abandoned my father and left." "You seem to know a great deal about what happened," Javiera noted. "I've seen the footage the first group took from their helmet cams," I told her. "Is there any way I could see that?" she prodded. "By no human means I can think of," I shrugged. "Feel free to ask that extremely venomous lady sitting next to you. Her name is Rachel," I made the introduction. "She remains under the impression that killing people around me will somehow save me from myself," I added. "I not only trust her, I trust her with the lives of my daughters." "You don't have any children we are aware of," Javiera wondered. "Rachel knows what I mean," I gave a lopsided grin. Rachel knew alright. I wasn't asking her to save me with that statement. I was asking her to save my future. "What is with all the women? I'm a believer in gender equality. You seem to lack any male employees, period. Is this a permutation of a harem?" Javier opened another line of investigation. Rachel and Buffy quickly snorted their amusement then returned to their not-so-subtle aggression. I was sure my chauffeur, Tiger Lily, was snickering it up too, beyond the glass. Sigh. "That was uncalled for," I frowned at the Fed. "Five Google searches and you should know all about Havenstone's hiring practices. Ask what you want to ask. Don't try to trick me. I am definitely not in the mood." "Why are you in charge; a male over Havenstone employees that certainly have more skill and experience at; just about everything?" Javiera came clean. "Put on your hip-waders," I groaned. "This is going to suck." I waited until I had her undivided attention. "A long time ago, I killed a group of really bad people," I grunted. I could see that she wasn't buying it despite her interrogation senses saying I was being truthful. "When I say a long time ago, I mean about 2500 years ago." Sigh. "Before you start tossing Thorazine at me, all you need to accept is that every one of those women around me believes that to be true." "So this is a cult?" Javiera inquired bravely. "Put it this way. I'm sure you practice a martial art of some kind. You probably have a chromatic belt that you are rather proud of. It will not help you. These women are professional killers. I'm pretty sure there are a dozen unidentified corpses that could be attributed to these two." I already knew that Buffy killed some guys. Rachel? She was a team leader, so I was willing to have faith in her ability to remorselessly end another person's life. Javiera must have volunteered for my personal fiasco. "Are you being held against your will?" she looked so vigilant and intent. "I can get you out." "No," a dry chuckle. "I'm; not good; getting by. There is no way in Hell I'm leaving Havenstone. I can hardly kill all the people responsible for my father's death if I did that." "If you seek personal vengeance, I will be forced to bring every legal power to bear to stop you," she felt bound to threaten me. "Don't stop being you on my account, Ms. Castello," I finally managed a smile. It was sincere and Javiera knew it. "Who? Maybe I can catch them before you do?" she offered me an escape clause. "You will know it when you see it," I took a deep breath. "Do not try anything at the funeral," she warned me. "Law enforcement will be all over the place." She really wanted to screw me in prison. I knew those things. "I'm not going to kill them there," I assured her. "They will be the ones running for their lives though." "How is that going to work?" Nicole finally broke my silence. "I have 27 ladies willing to kill on my command," I exaggerated. "When I tell those men I know they were responsible and that they should run for their lives, they are going to run for their lousy stinking lives." "But you are not going to give the order to have them killed," Javiera stated. She was getting my measure now. "No, but they don't know that and being horrible human beings, they will assume that I will have them murdered over my father's grave," I turned positively wolfish. "They will run and they will keep running because of you and yours, Javiera. They won't have guns because they don't want to be arrested," I finished. "Why are they afraid to be arrested?" Javiera was putting the puzzle together. That was our deal after all. "I can have repeated, heavenly sex on a train with a nun," I confessed. "I'm pretty sure I can arrange to have a scumbag killed in prison." "I think we can both agree my client is under a great deal of stress at this time," Nicole intervened. "I think we can agree your client is not Al Capone, much less Osama bin Laden," Javiera allowed. "I still think he is exceedingly dangerous." "Dangerous? Dangerous is dating in this town," I groaned. "Went out late last night to a dance club, met two sweet girls visiting the Windy City, stepped outside and they tried to kill me." "Do these two count as 'public'?" Buffy snarled. She meant Javiera and Nicole. Pratt was in another car and the only others with us were Rachel and me. This was going to hurt. "No," I sighed. Wham! The Charlie Horse from Hell! "That's why you have bodyguards, you jerk," Buffy nearly cried. "Ah; we were with him," Rachel tapped Buffy's upper arm. "Oh." Long pause. "I; I apologize," Buffy said sheepishly. "I had no idea you were getting smarter." That was probably the best apology I was going to get. It was still my fault. "You do it out of love, Buffy," I rubbed my arm. Buffy gave me a heartbreaking smile. "Was that domestic violence, or assault?" Javiera snarled. "Neither one is allowable under Illinois law." "It is a Human Resources Team-building tool," I lied. "In some places it is called Obedience Training, or Negative Reinforcement." "I have never seen another human being take a beating like Cáel can," Rachel complimented me. "He is also incredible in the bed room," Buffy added on. Javier didn't know what to make of the menagerie of 'not-normal' women who hung around me. She locked eyes with Buffy. "I mean Really fantastic," Buffy licked her lips. Nicole nodded in agreement. "I can't use any of this," Javiera muttered after several minute of silence. "It is all a type of shared delusion; with fourteen dead bodies attached to it." "Ah, the guy with both femoral arteries shot out made it? Whoa, we've got some top notch surgeons in this city," I nodded. "Yes. As opposed to those two men who had their heads shot off," Javiera added bitterly. Reminding her that poor Horace of the Burnham PD had done the deeds was pointless. "Who died?" I attempted some reciprocity from Javiera. She'd read through every public aspect of my life and had talked to me for less than ten minutes. She excelled at her craft; punishing lawbreakers. "I conclude you know the name of the three dead women and the one living one," she began, "because we haven't a clue who they really are. Their cover identities aren't perfect. We simply can't get anything about them behind the fallacy of their existence." She waited. "If you can help us put the wounded woman in some sort of shared protective custody, I can probably 'suggest' that she be more cooperative," I counter-offered. Rachel nodded. "The eight other bodies at the house;” Javiera shook her head. "Four were dead and by that I mean reported dead from four to nine years ago. The rest; Hell, they were all twisted fucking savages. Every one of them had Interpol warrants out for them, for questioning. No accusations seemed to stick to them: misplaced evidence, dead witnesses and falsified death certificates." "Does this mean anything to you?" Javiera paused to get some more information. "Yes. Reference the men running for their lives," I nodded. "Cáel?" Rachel cautioned me. "This is not something you can rush into." "Actually, it was you who clued me in, Rachel," I looked at her. "Given an opportunity to have only one gun of a given type, would you choose one you knew intimately, or a totally random one?" was my rhetorical question. Professionals trained with a large variety of weapons, yet every Amazon I had met had a preferred weapon; one that if they could have it with them, they would. "The Zastava M2," Rachel nodded. "It is not used in too many places and only Peru in this hemisphere. Someone really loved that gun; enough to bring it from whatever killing field where he was currently employed to my home," I said. "Since the other likely culprit passed on a chance to kill me last night, I am sure enough to pick a fight." (Holy Cross) It had to be odd in so many ways for the people who knew Dad and, to a lesser extent, me. They gathered by the graveside. It wasn't much. Dad had been cremated as had Mom. They had these small granite markers; no headstones for them. They had been so much in love. All they wanted is to be laid to rest, side by side. Mom had insisted on cremation. I thought I knew why, but it had done no good. The true oddity was obvious. The islet of normalcy was the small funerary party with me. My Aunt; my Father's Sister; was here and somewhat in shock. She and Dad hadn't been close; so much unsaid. When my Grandparents died, Dad was only nineteen and Stella was sixteen. Stella's lifelong friend had moved to Maryland a few months previously. Stella reached out to her friend, her friend's parents talked to Dad and Stella went to off to be a mariner. Seeing her occasionally as I was growing up was the extent of our relationship. The priest did his thing. I wondered what Christ thought of this mystic fur ball that was the amalgam of my life. My hope was that he was quietly urging me to do the right thing. The Padre finished, the co-workers and neighbors came by to give their condolences and then ran the gauntlet. The gauntlet? Yes, the herd of Amazons, O'Shea kin and four other clumps of people who I didn't know, yet undoubtedly would soon. Selena and Miyako were present along with a third female who looked luscious in a burqa-shaped covering and a diaphanous veil. Javiera, Pratt and Nicole were somewhat out of place with their lack of arrogant lethality. A limo driver came to take Stella away. "I have some issues to deal with, Aunt Stella," I comforted her. "Vér a vér." It had been ages since she'd heard Hungarian so she wasn't sure what I meant, but she knew it was bad. One of my O'Shea aunts was coming my way until the menace of the closing Amazons halted her. The others had no clue what they were about to behold. I doubt outsiders had ever been privileged to witness anything like it. This was a declaration; it was my mission statement. Ishara did not hide. I took off my coat, folded it, placed it on the damp grass then knelt on it. Buffy stepped up with the bowl of incense and followed my 'coat to keep your knees clean' stunt, sitting perpendicular on my right. Helena followed suit on my left, placing a shroud over my head and leaned over the bowl. Gamble number one: the incense lit up instantly. Gamble number two: it really did burn my eyes; no more Desiree slapping me around. I was sure she'd be heartbroken. Gamble number three: while using my nifty little Amazon blade to gather my tears, I managed not to cut myself. The inductees were much more impressed when they realized what I was doing under my head covering. The next step had me pulling back the shroud, standing up, and striding over the burning bowl of incense. Helena called out the first name. The lady didn't need any prodding. The Amazon walked over to my coat and knelt. Helena wrote down her name and handed her the slip of paper. My Keeper motioned to the bowl. The first applicant placed her named slip of paper on the embers. The simple message flashed up and was consumed. That was unlooked for. I declared her old self dead. With my tears, I opened her eyes to our ancestral history and with blood, I brought her into our future. She had entered House Ishara. She wasn't the only one crying either. What Rachel and her team thought was unknown to me. They were being hyper-vigilant. Esmeralda kept stealing glances our way. Things went along with joyous solemnity until the fourteenth woman, Alicia, knelt before me. Helena handed the paper over, the Amazon dropped it on the incense and nothing happened. I was about to move on to the next part of the ritual when I caught sight of that. Buffy, Helena and the lady were all staring at the offending bit of tinder. I bent over and, with my index finger, pushed it into the embers. Nothing; no heat, or fiery consumption. I put some spit on my finger and pushed again. This time it burned me. The paper was fine. Damn it; 'Come on Ishara!' I screamed mentally. 'Can't I have a simple bit of theater without you mangling someone's dreams?' There was no supernatural scolding, or retort. "Alicia, Ishara believes you have not yet finished your walk outside our House," I consoled the woman; Alicia Holt. As she stood up, faced gripped with disbelief, Buffy rose and took her away. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Alicia shoot me a poisonous look. Buffy had anticipated this and was making sure the woman didn't make a scene. The last six women were even more nervous than the previous thirteen. Thankfully, Ishara was accepting of the remainder and we all transited to the group celebratory hug. Act one has passed safely, Act two had an unexpected bump and here came round three. The 'dignitaries' started swooping in. Outside of the O'Shea's, none of the guests wanted to have another group behind them, or hemming in them. Two of the groups held back and since one was composed entirely of Asians, I was betting the other group was the Egyptian Rite. One of my now four aunts came forward. My small crowd of Isharans gave her barely enough room to approach the grave. She placed a green rose upon my Mother's small marble marker. I wondered what my Mother would have thought of her sisters finally finding her; green rose? Who made green; probably the same sick son of a bitch who made female clones of himself? The other three followed suit, placing the roses in a radiating sunburst on the small piece of marble. Through the wall of Illuminati security came; the Missing Link. Oh My God. I had heard of V-chested males, but this was insane. I swear his upper arms were as big as my thighs. The problem was the hips and legs of the body didn't match-up to the torso, arms, neck (or lack thereof) and shoulders. The upper, steroid-addicted half belonged to a two meter tall giant. The lower half belonged to, maybe, a subpar man of a meter and a half This monster didn't have a receding hairline (actually, he did); he had a receding forehead. In homo-sapiens, if you roll a marble off their heads, it drops and hits the eyebrows. On this guy, it was a gentle ski-slope all the way down. "This is your Uncle Carrig," Brianna; I thought it was Brianna; made the introductions. I dialed up my Irish. Carrig meant; meant; 'rock'. Not 'the Rock' as in Dwayne Johnson. No, it meant 'rock' as in 'lump'. I had an Uncle Lumpy. How the fuck was I going to explain this at the next high school reunion? The answer was obvious. I'd parade out my four lava-stoked volcanic aunt-hotties and no one would be able to see old Uncle Lumpy over their sexual radiance. Perhaps being created in the form of a disfigured Neanderthal made Lumpy furious with the world. That might be why he wanted Grandpa to stay dead. Maybe; oh hell, Lumpy had serious family issues, as in he wanted to hump my aunts who only wanted to hump me. "Hello Uncle Carrig," I started out. "Thank you for; " "Shut up," he sneered. "I came here to see your whore of a mother one last time, not listen to your prattle." "Carrig, don't," Fiona intervened. "He is family." He took a deep breath. "I know why all of you want him in the Family," he snarled at his sisters. "Behave, or leave," I relayed in a far calmer voice than I felt. "I'll leave when I'm good and ready," Carrig turned his hate back on me. He put a finger to his nose and cleared his sinuses. The resulting sputum he launched at my Mother's tiny rock reminder was dead-on the money, gooey, white and full of phlegm. I looked at that defilement. This red-hot poker of rage seared through my mind. Instead, I laughed. It started as a stuttered utterance but grew and grew into a rich, resounding conquest of death and despair. "Wow, Unc; that was kind of pathetic," I chuckled. "It is impossible to imagine you ever breathed the same air, much less hold any genetic resemblance, to the greatest criminal mastermind of the past millennia. Seriously, spitting on a piece of stone was the most your orangutan-like, sloped-headed pea brain could come up with?" "After that (cough) brilliant bit of diplomacy, he's probably glad he's still dead and didn't have to witness your infantile blunder," I added. He was getting pissed; torn between his desires to pummel me, rip me to shreds, or storm off like a raging King Kong. "You know, when they killed Grandpa, they told me he made a noise like a stuck pig," I mirthfully met his hateful glare. "For a moment, they thought they'd killed the wrong man." "They suspected you and Granddad were in the next chamber, him ramming you up your sissy-ass for the umpteenth time because you are nothing but a ball-less wonder of a cast-off eunuch," I kept taunting him. "Then they recalled that you always squealed like a piglet, not a full grown boar, so they completed their mission and left," I refused to flinch before his vile hatred. "You think you are funny?" he leaned in and hissed. "I think you need a breath mint; and I am hilarious," I grinned. "I also think I'm the son Granddad always wanted, not you." That was me being mean; really mean. "We are not done," his eyes narrowed. "Take your pulse," I mocked him. "When it stops, we are finished. Until then, brush, use mouthwash and floss between meals. Your halitosis is truly offensive and worse, I think you are aware of it, yet still you refuse to respect other people's personal boundaries." "We should go brother," Deidre beckoned. She couldn't hide her amusement at his discomfort and humiliation. Uncle Carrig pivoted and back-handed her. Deidre went flying, but my idiot kinsman didn't have long to savor his win. I hit him with two lightning blows. My first thought was that I had dislocated a few of my fingers from hitting his jaw. Wasn't there a Bond villain like that? Carrig turned on me, a feral fury brimming just beneath the surface. "That's a breach, you cocky, snot-nosed punk," he sneered. Mass carnage was in the offing. "You remain painfully ignorant, Uncle Carrig," I took a half-step back. "Take your punishment now, or later," he coughed. "It makes no difference to me." "First off, Carrig, timing should be a poignant concern. Second, you have only now expended a great deal of your meager brain power convincing everyone here we are related; kin; O'Shea's," I explained. "Also, can I have my knife back?" "Knife?" he blinked suspiciously. "Yeah, the knife I left in your chest," I pointed. I said I hit him twice. Uncle Lumpy looked down and, sure enough, my handy little 10 cm blade was between his second and third rib on the right side. I hadn't wanted to kill him. I had wanted to hurt him and apparently failed at that; while sticking a blade almost up to the handle (Amazon personal blades have no hilt) into him; "What; how?" Lumpy was slowly clueing in that he might be in some trouble. "Brother," Brianna stepped up; shooting me a sultry, 'bend me over the closest headstone and bang me like your Goth prom date' look. I actually didn't go to my prom, Goth chicks are fun and Brianna didn't have panties on. Trust me; I have ESP concerning such things. Of more immediate concern; "Carrig, don't pull out the knife," she placed herself between us, facing him. "You will bleed all over the place." "I'm about to ram it down his ass through his throat," he snarled, clearly educationally challenged. I'd left the blade there for that very reason; not have him fountain blood all over the gravesite. "How long is the blade?" Brianna asked me. She already knew the answer. "10 cm," I was polite, "as is the knife every other Amazon carries." "Reach around and pull out the blade when I tell you," Brianna requested. "I will keep pressure on the wound." I had serious doubts she had an MD associated with her name which meant she knew something I didn't. I also had a more pressing conundrum. Per instructions, I was about to be pressing against Brianna's backside with the added benefit of a free hand. "So, do you want me to pat them, or give them a good rub?" I whispered to Brianna. I'd let he decide what treatment her ass was about to receive. "I figure if I reach around and massage your breasts, Carrig will lose it." "Cáel, take a firm hold. Be doubly sure you are ready before we begin," Brianna instructed. It wasn't the Di Vinci Code, but Carrig wasn't about to conquer a Denny's Kid's Menu (it has little games on it) anytime soon either. Brianna wanted double penetration and, in the name of renewing family relations and my inability to resist any available woman for more than a few days, I complied. Then the horror came crashing in; I hadn't had sex all day and it was almost 10 am. "Don't move, Uncle," I cautioned him. I used those words to conceal the sound of Brianna's skirt zipper going down. I used my other hand to gingerly grab my weapon; the knife; jeesh. Brianna spread her legs wider so that the tension kept her apparel from slipping down. My free hand went inside and got to work. Fortunately, Brianna's hands pressing above and below the wound distracted Carrig from her cute, precious whimpering noises. I must be a total dick. I was stroking my aunt/clone mother with two fingers and teasing her bunghole with my thumb while pulling a knife from my uncle's chest. What is wrong with me? For that matter, Ishara could stymie the ambitions of some poor 'Runner', yet decided her prime minion doing this was a good thing? I work for some screwed up people; dead and alive. "Okay, I'm about to do it," I warned them both. Brianna was kind enough to roll her hips forward and ass up for more direct access. The blade came out, two fingers thrust into her depths, Carrig grunted more in annoyance than any physical distraction and Brianna gasped with piteous need. Before Carrig could start to connect A to B to C, I withdrew my fingers and zipped Brianna up. As I started to withdraw, Brianna acted like my loins were velcroed to her posterior. "Bad Girl," I quietly gave her a risqué reproach. She let me go. Then it hit me like a meteor; I had caused Brianna to orgasm, and hard, with one touch. In fact, she was still roughly riding through it. The mental discipline needed to mask her arousal was impressive. She had no control over her aromatic qualities, Lumpy's nostrils were working fine and his hateful, beady rodent-like eyes latched back on me. "I'm going to kill you," he screamed. Carrig definitely wanted to screw his sisters and they had certainly been denying him. I was curious how that had been accomplished. As he shoved Brianna aside, my suspicion about the seriousness of my wound to his chest was confirmed. I hadn't punched through his heavy corded muscle tissue; with a 10 cm blade. Fuck a duck. If Uncle Carrig got those horrifically huge paws of his on me, I'd be paper-mâché in a hurricane; turned into veal; the very tenderized kind. That wasn't going to happen because of a little factor called crowd density. Most notably, he was in the midst of a passel of Amazons invested in my well-being. A sliver of the O'Shea family dynamic took hold. As usual, it sucked to be me. The four O'Shea ladies rallied around Carrig, cautiously pulled him back then ushered him into the steely embrace of their security. Why did that mean it sucked to be me? In a momentary visual exchange, I understood what Lumpy instinctually sensed when he showed up today. His reign as the place-holder for me was coming to an end. The second my Aunts recruited me over to their side, he was a goner. Obviously they had all the real intellect on that side of the clan. Poor Lumpy merely stomped around and acted like the socially maladjusted homicidal maniac he was. Once the journey to Grandpa's house began, he would cease to have any value whatsoever. Behind his animalistic, dull eyes, we shared that. Tragically, but most likely by design, Carrig couldn't develop a new set of skills to adapt to the situation. The best example I could come up with was; Imagine the last of the super-large amphibious predators confronting the first of the true dinosaur apex carnivores. Somewhere in that tiny amphibian brain, it knew it was screwed. Evolution simply hadn't left it an 'out'. It couldn't get bigger, faster, or more ferocious. It had maxxed out those traits for that model. Nope, it was toast and nothing could save it. As I processed that, the rest of that train of thought came tumbling down. Lumpy was a dead man. He'd hit one of his sisters in front of me which was precisely what they wanted. Deidre hadn't come by my place on Monday to warn me that Uncle Blockhead was trying to kill me. She was prepping me for the knowledge that they had killed Lumpy; to save me. Those incestuous nightmares had trotted Uncle Carrig out like a Barnum  and  Bailey Sasquatch, to loud acclaim and fanfare. Before I could do some in depth research/check to see if this was the 'real' Sasquatch, he would vanish aka be killed to save me. Well played ladies. They should have taken into account I worked for Katrina Love. Katrina undoubtedly played three-dimensional chess on-line so she could lure out the true Vulcans trapped on Earth. My aunts' straw man wasn't going to cut it. Back to the reality that included my father never again enjoying my meandering thoughts over dinner. Back to the other curious 'real' players as they moved in, having soaked up my ceremony and our O'Shea family struggle. If there as a benefit in that misadventure, it was the look on the faces of the two most distant groups. The ambassadors had on their poker faces. I was two decades away from having a chance of deciphering them. Foolish mortals, both groups had brought women with them though. That was not to imply that women can't keep secrets; they are among the experts. It wasn't secrets they were defending though; it was the interaction between Brianna and me that opened them up. If you are a woman and you see a man bring a different woman to orgasm with his fingers in under ten seconds and you are NOT intrigued, you have been sexually neutered. Even if you are a lesbian, you want your lover to pick up that technique. From the level of interest coming my way, I could tell what their bosses/associates really thought of me. The lady who was already thinking how to pull me aside at the reception was also projecting that I had piqued her co-workers, despite their feigned disinterest. The one who was plotting out how to disguise herself as a maid, so she could hide in my bathroom closet until I came in for a shower this evening. Then the feigned interrogation/instructional demonstration could begin, which told me they had chosen to not leave Chicago today despite previous travel plans. The three assholes won the social dare contest and approached me next. They were cool, somewhat disdainful and not a party to the murderous program that led us here today. They were still Condotteiri, thus my enemies and slayers of my Dad. "Mr. Nyilas," a smooth talking Canadian male began, "I wish to pass on the condolences of; " "I know it was you," I broke in. The Canadian; Ottawa, I thought; stopped talking, allowing me to vent. "You killed my father, you fucks. Now here is your 'I got drunk and stuck my cock in a meat grinder only to discover some other moron plugged it in' bullet to the brain. I am not only Cáel Nyilas, I am Cáel Ishara and Cáel, grandson of Cáel O'Shea," I narrowed my vision to menacing slits. "I will let you figure out which Goddess is Ishara as well as the convoluted genetics that has resurrected male Amazons. I want you to know that my father was the Head of House Ishara. You killed a Factor of the Illuminati, the 'Voice' of one of the Nine Clans, one of your own Generals, a Grand Master of the Egyptian Rite, a Ba Wang of the 7 Pillars, or a Chosen Son or Daughter, of Earth  and  Sky "That's right," I let the fear sink in. "This goes beyond a breach, Dumbass. You BROKE the Truce and have ended the Protocols by killing an Amazon leader. I'm sure claims of ignorance by your Generals will be taken for the empty blathering they are. It is time for your blood to soak the sacred soil of my father's place of entombment." Having buried him and his two cohorts in a rockslide of truth, my final bluff passed unrevealed for the empty threat it was. I could see by the looks in their eyes. Amazons didn't care about law enforcement. They would kill those three, vanish into the surrounds then slink back to their secret compounds. It was how the Condotteiri thought Amazon's worked. "Or," I grumbled, "Are you going to make me and my sisters hunt you down and work for it. Killing you with our knives is going to be;” I was saying when their retreat began. I was going to say 'messy'. Those three took a half-dozen steps back then ran for it. Now the stage was fully set. The three members of the Nine Clans came next. I took a totally different tone. Selena stepped up to speak, bowing as she started to speak. "We wish;” she started. There was a lot of interrupting going on today. "Please do not bow to me," I requested softly. "We have fought and it seems inappropriate to me that, without there being a martial decision, we cannot be sure who should be more respectful to whom," I suggested. Selena quickly switched gears. She and her two female companions were now openly staring at me. "My Sith Lady is most likely preparing for trouble at my most vulnerable point," I told Selena. "I'm much more trouble than I first appear," I added. A hiccup in the conversation took place. "You are the male Head of an Amazon House; how?" Selena questioned. "My father and the fathers before him carried the genes of the original Ishara. When Her daughters died out, the legacy fell to me," I explained. Really smart girls; really, really smart girls. "You do not have any daughters, so your first born daughter will be the next Head of your House," the Hashashin noted quickly. "Of any line?" Ah, the siren call of 'please have unprotected sex with me, Mr. Studmuffin. Not only will I walk bow-legged for a week afterwards, I'll have a political tool to use for a lifetime.' "Yes, that is true. Please understand, unless you can catch a thrown tomahawk with your feet, I can't say you are at the top of the list," I sighed. "Speaking of the acrobat of my dreams, how are you doing Miyako?" I knocked away at the barrier between our respective groups. I could hardly be considered an Amazon if I wasn't stacking the odds against the Condotteiri, now could I? On came that child-like Nipponese girl's smile that made me want to double-check her ID for proof of age. "It is recovering nicely. Thank you, Ishara-sama," she smiled warmly. "May I see?" I inquired. Miyako nodded so I went down until I was balanced on the balls of my feet. She deftly slipped out of one of her shoes, placed her foot on my knee then began rolling up the pants leg until the bandage was revealed. In the past few hours my medical knowledge had not increased one iota. I was pretty sure that Miyako knew what this doctor's visit was really all about. I gently massaged her leg from ankle to knee, examining it for flaws and weaknesses. I received some manna from Heaven when I stumbled upon a muscle spasm in her foot arch. I worked it out in under thirty seconds and she gave me a musical murmur of relief when I was done. I put her shoe back on and rolled down her trouser leg. "I would still like you to see our medic if you could spare the half-hour," I offered as I stood. "If it would ease any misconceptions about our first encounter, I will do it," Miyako changed her mind from last night. My next neural misfire was 'Did I pack enough condoms to do all these girls I've been promising to fuck since I got here?' "Estere Abed," the thinly-veiled applicant to be the mother of my first child introduced herself. I was at my father's funeral, I'd been hit with the realization that my incestuous aunts are going to emasculate the uncle I'd just met before they kill him, and I was talking to a woman with skin the color of well-seasoned Oak, eyes as dark as expresso-roasted coffee beans (so deeply brown they were almost black), a pale turquoise, virtually transparent pretend-burqa, with inner, skimpy clothing bits keeping her barely street-legal and visualizing what our daughter would look like. "I am of Kurdish extraction," she lowered her head minutely. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Not only was a-bed something I was seriously considering with this woman, Estere was a Kurdish name of Old Persian extraction. It meant Ishtar; who was the advanced incarnation of Ishara. Bitch; aimed up at my Matron Goddess and Ancestral Mother turned Dominatrixes of my soul. "How; how mystically convergent that is," I grumbled. "I apologize. Me and my matron Ball-buster are exchanging psychic barbs at the moment. Had you somehow predicted this would have happened, I would be happier. With my luck though, this is accidental from the perspective of the mortal plane, thus a point of incredible annoyance to me right now." "Do you often talk to your ancestors?" Estere inquired politely. "Only after I've done something bad," I groaned. "Usually my Goddess is short on instructions yet always ready with 'I told you so'." "How can she chastise you for doing wrong if she fails to give you direction?" Estere was so sincere. I had to keep in mind she was a professional librarian with the nasty habit of misfiling people's lives. "I can tell you don't deal with the Spirit World much," I gave a sad grin. "The last time she gave me a prod, I was staring down a life sentence in a dog cage; after I was condemned, not before." "You escaped," she reminded me with a sparkle. I gave a harsh laugh. "No; no, I didn't," I said. "I'll prove it." I lashed out at Estere. She turned my strike aside and was about to do something I assumed would be unfortunate for me when she restrained herself. "See, Estere, you've been doing this most of your life. I'm a college kid who had a good fortune to meet and be guided by a series of stellar women." She nodded. She didn't understand yet she wanted to remain sympathetic. "I'm playing catch up in an incredibly lethal chess match," I continued. "My advantage is I'm not fuck-nuts crazy like the rest of you people. I don't mean to insult you. I simply want to make it clear how I feel. All the societies are spiritually malformed blights on reality; evil, twisted and predatory." "But you like us," she observed. "I'm going to Hell," I risked much by brushing her nose with my finger from brow to the edge of the veil. "I might as well enjoy the journey." Since I returned with all the fingers I started out with, I could tell she appreciated my caress. Our other guests were getting restless, so I had to end our interaction there. A lone man approached. He looked to be a Turkish/Mongolian mixture and he was uncomfortable with the way the situation had developed. I doubt I had offended him. It was much more the scope of this informal meeting had gone way above his pay grade. As he was from the Earth  and  Sky, the Amazons' hostility simmered. I countered that by being as civil as possible. The emissary, Iskender, gave his condolences, I thanked him for his respect and entered into a small conversation. When he figured out who the Magyar were, he smiled. Iskender was a Kyrgyz, a Turkish people from Central Asia, and we bonded over our male progenitors having saddled up on our nomad ponies, making Eurasia tremble. I was putting forth the effort to make him feel welcome. That was the message for him to take home. Not all the Amazons were going to have their knee-jerk reaction to the E and S's goal. Next came the Seven Pillars, mainly because the Egyptians seemed ready to wait for the grass to devour them before coming my way. Now I had to pillage the vaults of my crafty interpersonal skills to do this correctly. Two men, endowed with as much racial supremacy as Ursula, if not more, introduced themselves. Slight bowing, polite English and the proper, rehearsed words flowed from their mouths. They didn't look down on me; the reason being that behind their perfect civility, they considered me and mine to be inconsequential. The nice female of an indeterminate South Asian lineage had that haunted look of someone made to do horrible things just to survive. A flash of the macabre dumped a memory of her strangling homeless people in some back alleys with barbed wire; so it would hurt them both; training, Seven Pillars style. "Thank you for paying your respects at my father's grave," I started. They hadn't, btw. "I only ask for two things, please," I added humbly. "May I see her palms for a moment?" I asked the man. The woman was clearly a servant; some sort of Palace Guard/Fuck Slave. The leader nodded. The girl was never consulted. Her hands came forward and they rolled so that I saw the scars on her palm; screw you, Ishara. I don't want to care about her. My day planner was more than full with anguish as it was. No answer. "I appreciate it," I smiled. I waited, keeping eye contact. "Was there something else?" the leader finally gave in. "Oh yes," I smiled and nodded. "Don't get in our way. Behave, stay put on that rotting, rubble pile of a decadent and faded civilization you call Heaven and let us do what needs to be done." "Is that clear enough, or do I need to send you both home with your irradiated testicles in jars?" I kept politely smiling and nodding. I was threatening to make them eunuchs with the bonus of having their precious genetics rendered useless. The girl was giving off minute reactive tremors. That was okay. I had been anything, but quiet. Twenty Amazons were ready and willing to make my threat a reality. I wasn't sure how they would break into Fermi Labs for the radiological material, but their resourcefulness never failed to amaze me. The two guys from the Seven Pillars were standing there, not sure what to do next. I had insulted and threatened them; emissaries. Didn't they realize Amazons had been killing poor bastards entreating them for peace for several millennia? "Beat it," I snapped with authority. "I'm done with you. Take my words back to your masters and pray they excuse your gutless reaction. Don't let the airport hit you in the ass." Ugly American? I was the God Damn Bearded Woman/Dog Boy American and their facades were finally fraying around the edges and not the least because going home and telling their bosses my exact words was going to be; well, the positive spin they put on it had better be impressive. They left with their confident poise while the Egyptians approached with a bit of trepidation. Calling me erratic and volatile was being overly kind. My bet was the older male was in charge, but my age and lusty actions convinced them to put the younger woman forward. The younger male bodyguard wasn't even paying attention to me. If the shit went south, he knew he was a goner. "Greetings Cáel Ishara, it seems," she offered my hand to shake. In Old Kingdom Egyptian he said; "May the Blessed Isis bring understanding to this greeting," I countered. Both she and the old man blinked. The rest was in the Egyptian of Ramses and Seti. "It is wonderful to see you speak our sacred tongue; or a close proximity," she smiled. Not only was she generally happy, she was also pretty sure a very unfortunate confrontation was not in the offing. The bodyguard knew of the language but not enough to make out what was being said. The young lady and old man were more than happy to switch to this rare form of communication. We chatted. Things like funerary rites, thoughts on the afterlife and the role of the supernatural in the modern world all came up. No secrets were exchanged and we actually went over some ancient jokes and ribald tales. Buffy's coughing brought us out of our reverie. They taught me the proper Egyptian Rite greeting and farewell, departing in peace. The Amazons were stirring. It was time to head to the cars then on to the wake. "I do not understand you," Javiera grumbled. "You insulted multiple people, including threats of death and dismemberment. You struck and stabbed; something, but not before he knocked a women nearly three meters. I am not even sure that; relative of yours qualifies as human." "I don't know how to approach you and that woman/aunt/whatever," she continued. "Was that incest, public sex, or sexual assault since I didn't hear her give permission for you to do; that?" Whoops; jealousy. Nicole was a half-step back so she could hide her insidious smirk. She already knew I was a bad, bad boy. "I don't know if this makes it better, or worse, but that; those women are not just my aunts. They are the genetic duplicates of my mother and if you think it is funny that they look to be about my age; you wouldn't be alone," I sighed. "Is your mother dead?" she seethed. "Normally, I would take a Death Certificate, mortuary report and a grave marker to be enough. Not with you." "When I was seven years old I saw her very sick in the hospital. I never saw her die, or the cremation, so with my crazy life I'm not going to swear that she's no longer of this Earth," I confessed. "The only one who would know for sure would be; " "Your father," Javiera answered. I began crying all over again. That was it. When I wanted someone dead, I was going to personally put a stake in their hearts, starting with me. This shit has gone down the rabbit hole. In that transitory micro-burst, I flipped. Not to crazy. I had spent my life believing in what was real; working out, girls, books, literature and art; things I could touch and feel, even if it was the air escaping my lungs as words, notes and sounds sprang forth. Now I had to take things on faith. Not 'faith' as in the calculated possibilities which is what most people really meant. I had to accept that there were things beyond my senses that I could not measure, or codify, and move my life forward understanding the total lack of a solid foundation I was basing my actions on. I needed to see Aya so much it hurt. "Are you going to arrest me?" I hiccupped. I was done bawling like a bereft child for a while. "For what?" Javiera snapped. "If I took this insanity before any judge I know, I'd be on Administrative Leave, if not out of a job altogether." "Oh yes," Nicole winked at me. "I was so looking forward to parading out the four identical aunts and the uncle/part-primate." Javiera shot Nicole a dirty look. "We need to go," Buffy reminded me. The only snag was the FBI guys, backed up by some Chicago PD, who intercepted Javiera as she walked with me to our limo. She had to separate for a minute to assure them she hadn't been kidnapped. After some rumbling, we were gifted with one FBI 'bodyguard' for Javiera. That was laughable. If a psychotic fit seized us, there would be two dead government officials instead of one. "Did you really stab that guy?" Special Agent Street Moslin asked once we were on our way. "My family believes in tough love," I muttered. "What sort of organized crime outfit are you with?" was next. "Pre-teen beauty pageants," I sighed. "You wouldn't believe how cutthroat they are." "It is a crime to lie to a criminal investigator," he countered. "And if this was an interrogation," Nicole sizzled, "you would have to Mirandize him." "He has already been Mirandized," the puppy yipped. "Oh? On the charge of Criminal Conspiracy to commit; clarify the charge for me," Nicole grinned. Street looked to Javiera. "What? Special Agent Moslin, consider yourself to not know a damn thing about what is going on and proceed from there," Javiera informed him. The poor bastard looked perplexed. "I will put your situation in context. The woman to my side (Rachel) is about to slit your throat. The woman (Buffy) next to Ms. Lawless is going to snap your neck. They do not give a crap that you, or I, are federal agents. The issue is not what will you do, it is which one gets to you first," Javiera glared at him. "Clear?" SA Street wasn't done yet. "They will get away with it because I suspect they already have such a contingency worked out," Javiera educated him. Javiera was yet Another really clever lady. "Call for our back-up vehicle, pull into a private driveway where you cannot legally follow us, abandon the vehicle, get picked up and leave the city on a private aircraft to another nation," Rachel sounded bored. That was so nice of her to assist Javiera out that way. "Thank you," I told Rachel. "That was very helpful of you." "I want the male to shut-up," Rachel answered. "He's grating. Worse, he's making me wish Pamela was with us and that is so wrong." I held up a finger to forestall Street. "Honestly Dude, she's is not messing with your head. She wants you to shut up, so please be quiet," I urged him. I conceptualized the assessment he was making. Crap. "Guy, whatever workout routine you think gives you the edge is what she does to warm up in the morning," I pleaded. Street had the 'she's only a girl' look about him. "Her combat training is with live rounds, real weapons and a plethora of scrapes, cuts and broken bones. I have little doubt that she's killed people, some in cold blood." "You being Top Shot at the local range and a Judo Champ isn't going to cut it," I emphasized. "You think she's some kind of Special Forces operator?" he mocked me. Javiera and Nicole got nervous. I didn't. Beginner's Amazon Psychology; male opinions do not matter. Rachel and Buffy weren't insulted because he was a chattering chimp and nothing more. "Have you ever heard of an all-female Special Forces unit?" I prodded. "No," he snorted. I kept staring; and staring; and then the idea began creeping in. "Where do you train?" Street looked at Rachel. Rachel was looking at him, not 'at' him. "Please Rachel," I requested. That was really for Javiera's benefit. "Physical training started at age five, weapons training at nine, survival testing at twelve, craft training at fifteen, and acceptance at nineteen," she rattled off in a monotone. "I am thirty." "What is 'craft training'?" Javiera inquired. "Learning to kill people and destroy things," she began. "My specialties are small unit tactics, security operations, electronic countermeasures and Recon Sniper," Rachel replied. "I am an accepted close combat trainer and handheld weapon expert. Do I need to explain any of that?" Pause. Street snorted. "Do you ever sleep?" Street joked. Rachel looked to me then rolled her eyes. "Yes. Six hours; every day unless duty intervenes," she said. "Right; so, what martial arts style do you practice?" he asked. "Not one you have ever heard of," Rachel took a deep breath. "Try me," Street entreated. "I've practiced with several." "Male, do I look like I enjoy talking to you?" Rachel glared. "To alleviate your obvious confusion, I do not. If you wish to lower the hostility level, hand me your pistol and the sap at your back. Your possession of said weapons in the presence of Cáel complicates my job. This is almost as irritating is restraining myself from taking them from you like the infant you are." "You think you could?" Street challenged her. "I was with the 82nd Airborne in Afghanistan." "Special Agent Moslin, she doesn't care. You might as well have told her you were a weekend security guard at an amusement park," I reasoned. "In her mind, being born with a penis renders all your accomplishments so much hyperbole; kind of how her having tits lowered your respect for her as a fighter." That successful ended that diversion. (The wake) Life was wonderful. I walked in the door of the Marshal Fields Jr. Mansion, Charlotte pulled me into a vacant side room and handed me a secure phone. She mouthed the name of the person on the other end. "Hayden," I sighed to my High Priestess. "Ishara (not using my first name was a bad sign), I have heard a report that you have declared war on the Condotteiri," she gave me the 'I'm going to skin you alive' purr. "Yep and I urinated on the Seven Pillars too," I confirmed. "Don't worry about the Illuminati. I've got that alliance sown up." "I'm going to have a member of the Nine Clans give me my first born, Ishara daughter, so that prospective alliance looks good as well," I added. "I even managed to be diplomatic with Earth  and  Sky. It is not even noon yet either. No need to thank me. Knowing you are thinking passionate thoughts about me is enough." Charlotte looked like her eyes were going to bug out. "We are clear on the fact that there are fifty two other houses in the House, aren't we Cáel?" Hayden murmured. "Hey now," I reposed, "you said to not pick a fight inside Havenstone. You didn't say anything about these sons of bitches on the outside. I also added nineteen new members. Ishara rejected one who I now think was a closet Man-hater's man-hater." "I want you to come back to Havenstone immediately and keep your mouth shut," she commanded. "The Council will be rightly furious." "With me?" I asked. "Of course with you," Hayden growled. "With the aid of the Federal Assistant Attorney, I received computer discs with extensive and sensitive data on Havenstone, including pictures and locations of Sydney and Marilynn, your daughter and granddaughter," I lied. "The feds seized the Condotteiri's private jet." Silence. "What? Why am I only now hearing of this?" Hayden inquired with a deathly calm. "Do you want me to work with the feds to finish hunting down those last two killers while I send someone back with the data?" I persisted. An oddly longer pause. "Katrina insists there is no data," Hayden seethed. "Of course there is no data," I snapped back. "Unlike you, I'm loyal to EVERY MEMBER of the Host, not just the ones I approve of! If I had something that important, it would be on the way to you, if not already in your hands. My House Head has been murdered. Support me; don't support me. It doesn't change that reality. You have lowered your worth in my eyes, Hayden. We will talk of this when I return." And I hung up. Charlotte kept gaping at me. "Do you think I was clear enough, Charlotte?" I asked her. "Yes Ishara," she whispered. "I doubt a single ancestor misconstrued your wrath." That stopped me in my tracks. A rank and file Amazon using my house name was perfectly acceptable. A Council 'equal' saying it was the equivalent of your pissed Mom yelling out your entire name. "You agree with me?" I blinked. "Had it been Fatima, Beyoncé, or Ngozi there would be no debate," Charlotte answered. "I don't like you; okay, beyond your physical magnetism I do not like you. You are still the Head of House Ishara and we believe that the ancestors move through you." By 'we' I imagine she meant Rachel's SD detachment. A social paradigm presented itself. Amazons were surprisingly democratic for such an ancient society. Their bonds of sisterhood gave them greater liberty than any other group I'd heard of. All could take their grievances to the highest authority. They could hate me and die for me at the same time, in the same way Charlotte could be honest at that moment. I was her superior in rank yet her equal in blood. "You realize that if you tell Buffy about this she'll beat me black and blue," I teased Charlotte. "No can do, Ishara," she chuckled. "She's your sister and, quite frankly, you wove this disaster and if anyone deserves to remind you of the trouble you've wrought, it is her." "I would call you a heartless Amazon, but that's kind of redundant," I glowered playfully. I couldn't hide with Charlotte in the side room forever. It was my father's wake after all. Out I went and there was Buffy waiting for me. "We have a problem," Buffy murmured to me as I headed to the main reception area/family room. "There are some questions concerning your Aunt Stella and the Ishara legacy." "Thank God," I muttered. My crisis was momentarily sidelined. I moved into the gathering, letting Helena and Buffy bring the Amazon to my corner. "Quick and easy," I stated as the last one j

Cáel's tombstone: For the love of women, women put him here.In 25 parts, edited from the works of FinalStand.Listen and subscribe to the ► Podcast at Connected..

"Toronto Ülikooli professori Edward Shorteri sõnul lükkas Thorazine'i turuletulek 1950. aastatel psühhiaatrias käima revolutsiooni, mille mõju võib võrrelda penitsilliini kasutuselevõtuga üldmeditsiinis („Idealistlik meelerohi“; TT#6, 2.21). Kui see on nii, siis miks on depressioon aina kasvavaks terviseprobleemiks? „Võiks ju arvata, et kui Prozac ja muud teise põlvkonna psühhiaatrilised ravimid on niivõrd tõhusad, peaks abivajajate hulk olema järsult vähenenud,“ arutleb USA meditsiini- ja teadusajakirjanik Robert Whitaker äärmiselt asja- ja ajakohases raamatus „Anatomy of an Epidemic: Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America“ (2010) [1]. Tegelikkuses on asi täpselt vastupidine. Psühhofarmakoloogilise revolutsiooni käigus on vaimse tervise probleemide all kannatavate inimeste arvukus sööstnud stratosfääri," kirjutasin ma Tähenduse teejuhtide 34. numbri juhtkirjas "Mõra raudpuuris" [2].Oktoober on vaimse tervise kuu [3]. Täna on stuudios selle ettevõtmisega tihedalt seotud mehed. Endisest riigiprokurörist Steven-Hristo Evestusest on tänaseks saanud vaimse tervise sarja patroon. Kirjanik Indrek Koff lööb kaasa Piip ja Tuut teatris etenduvas lavatükis "Kui Hamlet oleks..." [4]. "Oma lavastuses analüüsime vaimset tervist ja sellega seotud hädasid kasutades teatri, muusika ja sõnakunsti vahendeid. Vaatleme kirjandusklassikast tuntud tegelasi, kes on olnud hädas vaimse tervise probleemidega. Püüame näpu peale saada nende võimalikule diagnoosile ja määrata ravi – haiged tuleb ometi terveks teha! Kui Hamlet oleks suunatud leinateraapiasse või kui Vargamäe Andresele oleks välja kirjutatud depressiooniravimeid, kas siis oleks nende elu olnud igapidi ilus?" võib lugeda näidendi sisututvustusest.Peatse kohtumiseni!H.————————————————————[1] https://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Epidem...[2] https://teejuhid.postimees.ee/7860411...[3] / vaimsetervisesari [4] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Join us as we start off the anti-psychotic series! Today, we will discuss the very first antipsychotic brought to market in the United States, Thorazine (Chlorpromazine). Answer to Poll Question Below (SPOILER) ------------------------------------------------------ Answer: D (Hiccups) --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/psychrounds/support

We here on the Morning Show are all fans of The Glore Psychiatric Museum in St Joseph, MO...it's truly one of the most fascinating and disturbing museums you'll ever visit...and every year they give you a few chances to spend the whole night exploring the museum, having dinner, participating in paranormal investigations and more!And we caught up with the Glore's Kami Jones to find out more!!

My favorite opening line of an academic article (this week) follows:Mental illnesses are prevalent, cause great suffering, and are burdensome to society.Welcome to the Frontier Psychiatrists. It's a newsletter that I write all by myself. I'm doing a series on medications, largely (but not entirely) in psychiatry. I'm a child and adult psychiatrist, and I still see patients. I've also been a patient since I was 16 years old. Please consider subscribing and sharing widely.The first antipsychotic introduced after clozapine would be a big deal—especially if it didn't cause life-threatening side effects. Risperidone was first developed by the Johnson & Johnson subsidiary Janssen-Cilag between 1988 and 1992 and was first approved by the FDA in 1994. It's one of the very few drugs with data for bipolar disorder that I, personally, have never been prescribed.Risperidone—Risperdal as a trade name—was ready to be a huge hit.It was presented as very atypical—this was the post-clozapine branding of choice. The “second generation” label was added years later. I have a confession to make. After residency, when the attending doctors told me, as a trainee, what to prescribe, I never prescribed risperidone ever again. I think this compound—and paliperidone, the metabolite— still has an important role in managing schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. There are more formulations of long-acting injectable risperidone and related compounds than I can remember. I think those are going to be useful drugs for a long time. Oral risperidone? Nope.Clozapine was an exciting drug. No horrible motor side effects? (Plausibly) More effective? It was better than every drug that came before. It had this pesky adverse effect that could lead to death called agranulocytosis, which I addressed in my first research paper in 2011. We needed more drugs that were this atypical!We—the field of psychiatry, at least— needed things that were not gonna kill you abruptly, in a terrifying manner, like clozapine had the rare potential to do. But we didn't want more of the same old antipsychotics. After Psychiatry got a taste of not having to explain permanent tardive dyskinesia as a likely side effect of antipsychotic medication, we wanted to keep doing that. Editors note: It is still a side effect of all non-clozapine antipsychotics, and we should never have let our guard down.Risperidone was the first antipsychotic that came to market after clozapine rocked the world of psychiatry by being better. Risperidone is similar, and they even use the accidental branding of clozapine— “atypical”—for this medication. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA)-approved indications for oral risperidone (tablets, oral solution, and M-TABs) include the treatment of:* schizophrenia (in adults and children aged 13 and up), * bipolar I acute manic or mixed episodes as monotherapy (in adults and children aged 10 and up), * bipolar I acute manic or mixed episodes adjunctive with lithium or valproate (in adults)* autism-associated irritability (in children aged 5 and up). Also, the long-acting risperidone injection has been approved for the use of schizophrenia and maintenance of bipolar disorder (as monotherapy or adjunctive to valproate or lithium) in adults.The “mechanism of action” of all of the drugs that have efficacy in psychosis was presumed to be dopamine D2 receptor blockade, a mechanism shared with all of the prior medication from Thorazine (chlorpromazine) through Haldol (haloperidol). The assumption—which clozapine disproved—was motor side effects were required for the drug's efficacy in psychosis. This primacy of the D2 blockade as a mechanism of action has since been disproven. This is the mechanism that leads to gynecomastia, leading to a bevy of lawsuits from men who developed breasts. It also causes related side effects like galactorrhea—breast milk from breasts that can be on men or women who are not nursing— and erectile dysfunction. Dopamine—it does a lot of work in the brain, not just pleasure.This motor side effect profile was not true with clozapine. It had various additional receptors, particularly in the serotonergic family (5HT-2a, for example), and alpha-adrenergic, histaminic, and other receptor sites throughout the brain. This broad profile of different receptors explains the wide range of side effects. But more importantly, these are complex, “messy,” and hard-to-predict outcomes given the complexity of the brain. The complex pharmacology allowed psychiatrists like me to think—hard!—about which particular witches brew of receptors we would choose to tickle (agonize) or antagonize. It's very satisfying. I also suspect this is a story we tell ourselves that is not as closely moored to truth as we'd like. We enjoy thinking about science-ish stuff. Receptor binding profiles are seductive— because they are knowable. Our patient's heart, hope, dreams, and heartbreak? Less so.The most important feature of risperidone today—and its 1st order metabolite, paliperidone—is that is deliverable as pills, rapid-acting dissolvable tablets, and long-acting injectable formulations, lasting between 2 weeks and 6 months between doses. A psychiatric treatment that isn't an oral once-daily pill? One you have to take twice a year? Medicine that is intended for people who often—like many—feel conflicted about taking a daily pill? That is a big enough deal. That is a real innovation— it considers human frailty, ambivalence, and common failures of mind. Not because it's a magic drug. Rather, long-acting medicine that doesn't make crippling relapse easy —thanks to good design— is exactly the kind of medicine that works. My second research effort was on the acceptability of such medicines in youth. It's responsible for my presence at the academic conference where I met my now wife.Oral medicines were popular because they were easy to sell. Novel medicines and technologies will be easy to take. The story of my fascination with the risks and benefits of these medicines doesn't end there, though.I still research these medicines and their adverse effects— funded by NIMH— for identifying Tardive Dyskinesia with Machine Learning and closed-loop Internet of Things physical medication compliance tech with my team at iRxReminder and colleagues at Videra. We are enrolling in a study at Fermata in New York and other sites. Thanks for reading.This article is another in my series about one drug or another. Prior installments include Depakote, Geodon, Ambien, Prozac, Xanax, Klonopin, Lurasidone, Olanzapine, Zulranolone, Benzos, Caffeine, Semeglutide, Lamotrigine, Cocaine, Xylazine, Lithium, dextromethorphan/bupropion and Adderall, etc.Sponsored Content!One way of supporting this publication is buying stuff from Amazon, like a nifty box from Apogee that I used to record the voice-over: the BOOM. In fairness, it's just the A/D. I am also using the API 512c mic pre, plugged into an AnaMod 660 500 series compressor, nestled in a reliable RND R6 Lunchbox, and all of that plugs into the Boom into my Mac. It's a Microtech Geffel mic. Most of the audio post-processing is done with Izotope RX 10. I get money if you purchase any of these things— not a trivial amount since they upped my affiliate rewards.In case anyone was wondering if I was an audio nerd… This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thefrontierpsychiatrists.substack.com/subscribe

The Frontier Psychiatrists is a newsletter by noted medical content creator Owen Scott Muir, M.D. This series is on individual medicines. Data is presented and referenced, but it's a farewell to prescribing. I learned psychopharmacology, but it's not the focus of my career anymore. Other installments in this series include Klonopin, Lurasidone, Olanzapine, Zulranolone, Benzos, Caffeine, Semeglutide, Lamotrigine, Cocaine, Xylazine, Lithium, dextromethorphan/bupropion and Adderall, etc.I also take requests from subscribers—this whole series is by request from the inimitable Kari Groff. Thanks for reading, and please— support the work!By the 1960s, treatment had been medicalized. The first psychotropic drugs were discovered by serendipity and introduced into psychiatry. The symptom relief they brought was so startling and persuasive that there was a major shift from psychologic to pharmacological treatment.—Leon Eisenberg, M.D., the Stepfather of Laurence B. Guttmacher, M.D.Alprazolam is a benzodiazepine medication that has the brand name Xanax. It has an FDA label for “Panic Disorder, with or without agoraphobia.” In my Klonopin piece, and my prior general benzo review before that, I talked about lipophilicity—how fast a drug can get into the brain, based on how soluble it is in fat. A lipid bilayer protects our brain from drugs inviting themselves in, Willy Nilly.It gets into the brain fast. It has a short half-life—the liver breaks it down rapidly. Xanax is fast in and fast out. Was the drug concocted to be abused? With Xanax, You won't even remember you asked.The world would be better if nobody ever knew it existed. Those doctors who promoted it lied to themselves. One of the Xanax evangelicals told me so himself. Laurence Guttmacher, M.D., is his name. He was an older man when we met. He is very tall. My mother immediately remembered meeting him over a decade ago when I read this article to her on a first pass: “He thanked me for allowing us to train Owen as a psychiatrist,” she noted. He is an advisory dean at the University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry. In the first week of medical school, the first lecture he gave me was about not allowing drug reps into the hospital. Only 15 years later, writing this, do I apprehend how haunted he was by the pharmacology he mid-wifed. He has written a medication guide and an older historical ECT manual, too. He spends time teaching now.Dr. Guttmacher is in the family business. He is a third-generation psychiatrist. His grandfather was the president of the American Eugenics Society—he took over from Margaret Sanger, the champion of the birth control pill. It kept undesirable people from having more children. Laurence Guttmacher is an American Jew. Eugenics was re-purposed from utopian, enlightened, Jewish, and intellectual ideals by Nazis. It was promptly used against the same Jews and other “feebleminded undesirables.” The subsequent rejection of medicalization of psychiatric distress is understandable, among largely Jewish analysts, given Nazis (again, from Drs. Guttmacher and Eisenberg):Psychoanalysis helped psychiatry preserve an abiding interest in the individuality of patients while other medical specialists were losing sight of the patient in their preoccupation with the biology of the disease. It connected the symptoms of mental illness to the psychopathology of everyday life. Psychiatrists learned to help patients by paying attention to their mental symptoms in an era when psychiatry had no procedures. …When [psychoanalysis] was banned from the Congress of Psychology at Munich as ‘a Jewish science' in October 1933, psychoanalysts in Berlin and Vienna began to migrate to the UK and the US. …some 100–200 European analysts and some 30–50 analytically orientated psychologists emigrated to America in the 1930s… the membership of the American Psychoanalytic Association was only 135 in 1936 and almost doubled to 249 by 1944 …[This] influx was as significant intellectually as it was numerically; many refugees … became leaders in the movement.This was Laurence Guttmacher's inheritance—idealism about mind or brain—gone, catastrophically, south. His father and mother were quixotic psychiatrists as well. Psychoanalysis was potent because it explains something. People love explanations— but don't often demand that they be correct. Before the age of oral medicines, psychoanalysis offered these:No other psychologic theory provided what was purported to be so comprehensive an account of the origins of psychopathology. The brain sciences were largely irrelevant to clinical practice. In the mid-century, descriptive psychiatrists were held in little esteem because the diagnosis was unreliable and made little difference in treatment. The psychiatric pharmacopeia was limited to hypnotics and sedatives. This changed with Thorazine. The push towards “biological” explanations continued with the advertising efforts of fellow psychiatrist Dr. Arthur Sackler. His advertising firms, which he purchased and disguised his control of, were behind campaigns for drugs like Valium, Thorazine, Serax, Miltown, and the rest. This was well before his feckless son, Dr. Richard Sackler, took his portion of a family business and murdered undesirables with Oxycodone.Physicians love to be scientific-ish. We love the sense of science. We love an explanation. Laurence Guttmacher loved explanations. Xanax worked—plus, safer than Miltown. As he would later write, doing some heavy editing for his late stepfather:The influence of the authority of one's teachers, the experience of seeing patients improve during psychotherapy (most non-psychotic patients did), the logic and malleability of psychodynamic explanations, and the readiness with which patients desperate for a way out of their dilemmas accepted those explanations combined to make believers of all but the most skeptical of trainees. Those who were non-believers were easily dismissed with ad hominem attacks on their unanalyzed resistance.In that week one lecture in medical school, Dr. Guttmacher was my authoritative teacher. The lesson? Be accountable, even for violations of good sense one has yet to commit.That class featured slides on the percentage of doctors who felt drug representatives had influenced them— according to themselves. A scant one percent admitted to any possibility of influence by industry. The same physicians' opinions about colleagues—99% of them above any influence, remember— were presented on the next slide.In my first week of medical school, Laurence Guttmacher highlighted our credulousness, 40% of the same physicians understood their colleagues would fall under the thrall of attractive drug reps. Physicians were justly suspicious of Pharma's influence on everyone—except ourselves. This, of course, was exactly the pitch Arthur Sackler was making—as far as I can tell, he was an astute psychiatrist.Physicians love to be helpful. What is the most addictive substance for physicians? Samples! We can give them to our patients. We loved it when our office staff were gifted treats. We are “jonesing” to be gracious. We get hooked when people listen to us! Industry paid for all this. Arthur Sackler's disciples were not high on their own supply, unlike individual physicians—intoxicated by how beyond reproach they were. They paid for us to talk to each other, and they paid more if the person being listened to said the right things about Xanax. Administrative staff? Lunch. The same devious machinations of Italian grandmothers—Mangia!— were deployed to influence physicians. There were attractive people to listen to us about how much we cared and our desire to be gracious—the Sacklers ensured it. Arthur was a psychiatrist, after all— someone to hear you out feels good.We had so much to teach. Dr. Laurence Guttmacher researched panic disorder at the National Institute of Mental Health earlier in his career. He was a compelling speaker for Xanax, given his panic disorder pedigree from NIMH.One morning, he awoke to a horrible realization: Xanax wears off after 3-4 hours. Everyone waking up (after 8 hours of sleep) was in Xanax withdrawal. That feels like a panic attack. The obvious cure, next to the bed, was the first of four Xanax tablets as prescribed and recommended—by Dr. Guttmacher in well-appointed dinners—throughout the day. The next day, this cycle of panic would begin again, but this time, worse. And the next day, a little worse still. This was a cycle of self-reinforcing madness. But it moved product.In one of the more demonic decisions ever made, Xanax was formed into a convenient “bar” with four subdivisions. This allowed someone to break 2 mg apart and take 0.5 mg four times a day.No one would ever think to take it all at once. Unless they were anyone, in which case, this is the most immediately obvious strategy.Xanax is a nightmare. It makes opiate—and other— overdoses endlessly more lethal. It's illegal in the UK and should be pulled from the market everywhere. This drug of abuse doesn't need to be an answer to an exam question on medical boards, ever again, unless it is under the “obviously unethical compounds” section.High lipophilicity, short half-life, high potency and poor cross-tolerance, frustrating attempts to switch to less harmful compounds. It is the most toxic in overdose of all the benzodiazepines. Xanax is present in 1 of 20 deaths by overdose.Once the genie is out of the bottle—Xanax will help you forget your woes—it does not stop. Fake bars are fueling death. Xanax is so addictive that counterfeit drug makers use its branding. Why is a prescription drug a better “abuse brand” than street drugs?In total, there were more than 54,000 overdose deaths, including 2,437 with evidence of counterfeit pill use. (CDC, 2019-2021)Xanax is a pox upon the house of medicine, and Laurence Guttmacher, M.D. was eager to blowtorch his very well-reimbursed speaking career when he understood the truth.Laurence Guttmacher, M.D., is an excellent teacher. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thefrontierpsychiatrists.substack.com/subscribe

Hour 2 of A&G features... Joe's feature on the closing of mental health hospitals... The Trump timeline... the government highlights "risky" websites for advertisers... Stupid Should Hurt: https://www.armstrongandgetty.com/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hour 2 of A&G features: Joe's feature on the closing of mental health hospitals The Trump timeline The government highlights "risky" websites for advertisers See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hour 2 of A&G features: Joe's feature on the closing of mental health hospitals The Trump timeline The government highlights "risky" websites for advertisers See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Welcome back to Analyze Scripts, where a psychiatrist and a therapist analyze what Hollywood gets right and wrong about mental health. Today, we are analyzing the '90s movie "Girl, Interrupted" based on the memoir by Susanna Kaysen. This film depicts two years of a young adult woman's life at McLean Hospital in the 1960s where she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This episode analyzes everything from why it's so hard to talk about BPD, psychoanalytic vs behavioral treatment methods, the deinstitutionalization movement, antipsychotics, and our opinions about Angelina Jolie's portrayal of sociopathy. We hope you enjoy! Instagram TikTok Website [00:10] Dr. Katrina Furey: Hi, I'm Dr. Katrina Fieri, a psychiatrist. [00:12] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And I'm Portia Pendleton, a licensed clinical social worker. [00:16] Dr. Katrina Furey: And this is Analyze Scripts, a podcast where two shrinks analyze the depiction of mental health in movies and TV shows. [00:23] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Our hope is that you learn some legit info about mental health while feeling like you're chatting with your girlfriends. [00:28] Dr. Katrina Furey: There is so much misinformation out there and it drives us nuts. [00:32] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And if someday we pay off our student loans or land a sponsorship, like. [00:36] Dr. Katrina Furey: With a lay flat airline or a major beauty brand, even better. [00:39] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So sit back, relax, grab some popcorn. [00:42] Dr. Katrina Furey: And your DSM Five and enjoy. We get started with this episode. We just wanted to add a trigger warning. Some of this content could be disturbing to listen to. We're talking about the film Girl Interrupted, and there are some themes of suicide, disordered eating, and I would say institutional traumatization. So again, if any of these themes hit too close to home or could potentially be damaging, please feel free to skip this episode and join us again next time. Otherwise, enjoy. Hi, thanks for joining us. Today we are going to talk about the hit movie Girl Interrupted. A real blast from the past from my favorite decade, the 90s. This movie is based on the 1993 memoir by Susannah Casey, who wrote about two years of her life spent at McClain Hospital in the 1960s in Massachusetts, where she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Portia so when I recommended we covered this movie, I totally didn't remember the plot. I don't actually know if I saw the whole thing. I was just like, oh yeah, there's a movie with Angelina Jolie and she got an Oscar and it's probably really good. I totally forgot that the main character was diagnosed with Bpd, which I actually think is great for us to talk about because we've alluded to this diagnosis and some of our other know, I'm thinking like, what about Bob Succession White Lotus? And I still find that this is a tricky diagnosis to talk about with patients to explain to patients to explain to other. I thought, you know, Winona Ryder's character like, did a great job being like, what is it? On the borderline of what? What are you talking about? Right? [02:38] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah. And at the time, though, this was newish. Marsha Linehan hadn't written her book yet on DBT. [02:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: I don't even think there was DBT yet. Thinking about the 1960s, I thought this film did a great job depicting what it probably was like to be psychiatrically hospitalized in the 60s, which is so different from what it's like today. Place that is very true. So this film was filmed at Harrisburg State Hospital in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. It was filmed in 1999, but it was based on McLean Hospital, which is probably the number one psychiatric hospital in our country for a long time. I think it is affiliated with Harvard, and I think they do still have some longer term units like this, but you see a lot of treatment. You know, she goes to therapy many times a week. She's sitting on the couch. Her therapist is sitting behind her. Unfortunately falls asleep at one point, which I don't think actually happens in real life, but speaks to how she felt probably like there was a disconnect and you hear about how she's there for two years. That just doesn't happen anymore. But in the did, that was the treatment. People used to be admitted and stay for a really long time until in the mid 1960s, in the Reagan era, there was this big move not just in our country but internationally to deinstitutionalize patients, right? So sort of close down these long term hospitals which we called asylums and invest more in community mental health centers. And I think I don't know this for sure, but I believe that coincided with the invention of modern day antipsychotic medication like Thorazine and the other medications that came from that, like Haldol, basically medications that could treat schizophrenia and thereby treat these patients in a way that hopefully they didn't have to live in an institution. Sadly, we haven't invested enough in the community mental health centers that were supposed to be created to sort of support patients and we've had some really awful side effects from that. Primarily homelessness and institutionalization in jails. That is the number one provider of mental health treatment in our country. How awful and disgusting is that? And again, it's because not enough money goes into these community mental health centers. So nowadays you might be admitted for a couple of days to really stabilize you, tweak your meds, but you're not getting this type of intensive, insight oriented therapy anymore that we see depicted in this movie. And I think that's really sad. You can get that if you can pay for. [05:29] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I mean, it's wildly expensive. [05:31] Dr. Katrina Furey: Wildly expensive. And I think some places, like other, you know, hospitals might take insurance. I don't know if insurance would cover it. [05:41] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah, they take some and especially for some programs. Like, I've had some people go to McLean, I've known some people to go to Silver Hills. Those two places over the years have definitely taken more of an insurance route for some of their programming and other tracks that they have. Other parts of their residences or programs are not insurance based. [06:03] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I think that also just speaks. [06:04] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: To like there's not a lot of people who can afford to be somewhere for a year and pay that. So I think they've also just had to do that where it's like some of their income is insurance based and others they are able to get private pay. [06:19] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I would like to think that they would take insurance for more situations if insurance would freaking pay, right? But insurance is the worst. That's a whole nother tangent for another day. But they don't pay. They don't even pay know, short just it's really an abomination. Yeah. So anyway, getting back to the movie, we have an all star cast. So Winona Ryder is playing Susanna, the main character. We have Angelina Jolie playing Lisa, the woman with sociopathy. She won an Academy Award for this role. I think Winona Ryder did too. Or maybe she was nominated. I can't remember. We have Whoopi Goldberg playing Valerie, the nurse. Elizabeth Moss playing Polly, the girl who was a burned victim from childhood. Clea duvall is played. Georgina susanna's roommate. [07:12] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And she is in the show Veep. [07:14] Dr. Katrina Furey: That I really love. I haven't seen it before, but I've heard really good. [07:17] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I was like, oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh, it's her. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. [07:21] Dr. Katrina Furey: And then we had Brittany Murphy, who played Daisy. Who. That's just a tragic death and weird circumstances on its own. But I loved her, and I loved her roles in the then we had Jared Leto, who knew? Playing Toby. [07:36] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I was like, who? Before I looked at the cast list, I was like, who is that? Why does he look so familiar? I couldn't believe it. So young. [07:43] Dr. Katrina Furey: I know. [07:43] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Like a baby. [07:44] Dr. Katrina Furey: They all look so young. And then we have Jeffrey Tambor playing Dr. Melvin Potts, her first psychiatrist. And then we see Vanessa Redgrave playing Dr. Wick, the female psychiatrist. And there's a lot of other characters too, but those are just some of the main heavy hitters. [08:01] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah. [08:02] Dr. Katrina Furey: So what did you think, Portia, about the opening? [08:07] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: A little confusing. I mean, I was like, Is this present know? And then I was confused because it starts with her in the hospital, right, getting her stomach pumped. [08:16] Dr. Katrina Furey: Then I think the very first thing is you see, like, a broken light bulb in a syringe, and the girl's like, in the psych hospital, and you're like, what's going on? And then it flashes. [08:24] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So then she wakes up. [08:26] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I was like, okay. [08:27] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So was that a flashback? Was that a memory? Is her stomach getting pumped real? I was confused with those two first scenes. [08:36] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah, totally. And I wonder I would imagine that was kind of intentional. And then we see her being pretty aggressively restrained. We see the tube down her throat, I think, pumping her stomach. And my first thought was, what did she overdose on? This looks like they're trying to treat her for an overdose. And then someone screams out, oh, she's a wristbanger. I was like, what does that mean? And she said something about, there's no bones in my hand. And I was like, what is going on here? But I think it did give a pretty good snapshot into her mental state at that point in time. I was like, okay, she's overdosed on something that's dangerous enough where they have to aggressively pump her stomach. Now, we can't wait. We have to hold her down before we even get a sedative in her. Maybe back then they didn't even really have sedatives. Honestly, I'm not sure when things like Adivan and stuff were invented. And that thing about not having bones in her hand made me think, is she psychotic? Is she not? What's going on? Then we see her lock eyes with that man in the hallway, who we later learn is, like, her dad's colleague who's married, and she's had some sort of sexual relationship with him. And then she's pretty quickly seeing a psychiatrist in his home. You see her looking out the door, seeing his family and looking out the window and seeing her mom unpacking a suitcase. And I was like, Uhoh, yeah. [10:04] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And still does happen. But I think it was more common in the past with these kind of, like, voluntary, but involuntary getting someone to treatment. Right. So it's like, whether you're an adolescent, and it's not voluntary at all, and your parents are taking you there, so it's under their voluntary, but not telling them where they're going. So, hey, we're going to go for a car ride. They don't know their suitcases packed, and then we're taking you to treatment. Or the horror stories of those wilderness camps where you're, like, abducted in the middle of the night. I was kind of thinking of that with Susanna being an adult. Right. It's like, in my head, I'm like, at any time, she can kind of. [10:40] Dr. Katrina Furey: Back out of this. Well, can she? It turns out she couldn't. Right. [10:45] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: That was also my question was, why. [10:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: Was it different in the so I don't know the full rules, but I do know that a lot of things they depicted in terms of getting her to the hospital don't happen these days. So she's seeing this psychiatrist. So an old white man, by the way, and he doesn't do this anymore. He very readily volunteers that way to instill confidence in your patient. I thought he was very shaming. I didn't like the way he spoke to her. He was not connecting with her. It was very clear she was, like, a bother to him in that the way he was saying, like, I'm just doing this as a favor to your dad. Why are you doing this to everyone around you? I just thought it was awful. What a terrible way to treat someone who is just clearly attempted suicide, even if she's saying, I always just had a headache. I didn't mean to take that much. It's clear what was going on. And then he just puts her in a cab and trusts the cab driver to take her to the psychiatric hospital. Okay. Yeah. Okay. [11:49] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: That's his responsibility. [11:50] Dr. Katrina Furey: We 100% don't do that. If you need to send someone to the psychiatric hospital, hopefully you can talk with them and talk with their family and come up with a plan where they're on board. That's the ideal way, right, to sort of have their family bring them, and they're voluntarily seeking help. Sometimes people aren't willing to go and they need to go for their safety. And that's when, at least in the state of Connecticut, a psychiatrist can involuntarily hospitalize someone by signing what's called the Physician's Emergency Certificate or a PEC form. There's only two conditions in our state where you can basically take away someone's civil liberties by saying you have to be institutionalized against your will. That would be if you are an imminent threat to yourself or someone else. So in terms of like suicidality or homicidal threats or if you are so gravely disabled from your mental illness that there is fear of your being able to survive without immediate intervention. So people who unfortunately have something like a psychotic disorder, who aren't eating, who are harming themselves in some way but might not realize it like if they have diabetes and aren't taking their insulin, things like that. But it has to be really severe in order for you to be able to check that box. You can't check it for things like substance abuse. That's a different type of involuntary commitment and that one's really hard to get. [13:12] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: You can also send people involuntarily to the hospital just for the eval. You know what I mean? Like cops can do that. [13:20] Dr. Katrina Furey: You're right. Sometimes people will voluntarily sign themselves in. Once you do that, though, you can't voluntarily sign yourself out. Usually the team does have to kind of be in agreement that you're ready to leave. If not, then they could petition the courts to then involuntarily commit you to sort of see out your treatment. But it's not like, for two years anymore. [13:44] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah. So we learn later in the movie. But that Lisa has been there for eight years. [13:49] Dr. Katrina Furey: Not surprising, right, given her personality pathology. And it seems like she frequently elopes, which is the fancy word to say. [13:59] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: You know, my question was just thinking about is she making herself known? Is she kind of coming back? Is she presenting in a hospital somewhere? Like, how are they finding her? [14:08] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. Are they finding her or is she finding them? Does she have some sort of tie of dependency to the institution that's been taking care of her? Because it seems like she's like the leader in some ways. Right. And I thought that I mean, what were your thoughts, Portia, of Angelina Jolie's depiction of Lisa with antisocial personality disorder? [14:27] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I thought it was good because you can see how those people can kind of suck others in yes. [14:35] Dr. Katrina Furey: That charming. [14:37] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And appear really interesting and powerful and fun and light and it's almost like they know what you need. So she was all these things to different people. [14:49] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yes. And then knows also how to get under people's skin. Like we see with Daisy in a really sinister way. [14:57] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Oh, yeah. Like horrific. I mean, I didn't really, I guess, get the flair of oh, my. Like, I really don't like her. She's horrible. Until that moment. [15:09] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. Right. [15:10] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Until the because she doesn't let it go. It wasn't just like, oh, I kind of threw this out there. Maybe someone may do that. I'm thinking maybe who has, like, a borderline personality disorder. They're kind of pushing the limits a little bit, but take it that far is not typical, right? [15:26] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I thought at first in seeing her on the screen, I thought she was depicting Bpd because she comes in very provocative. You can tell, like, the staff is all up in arms, right? Like, Nurse Valerie, played by Whoopi Goldberg, I think is helping Susanna settle in and then gets some kind of someone comes in, like, whispers in her ear, like and then you see all the staff is ah. Some of the patients there get really nervous, but then some of them are excited to see her again. I think that actually displayed the concept of splitting really well. That these types of patients tend to rile people up. And some people are on the good side, some are on the bad side. And then you pit them against each other. [16:05] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Really manipulative. [16:06] Dr. Katrina Furey: Really manipulative. And so at first, I thought that was the type of character she was portraying until the movie went on. And you'd see her get under people's skin and then not let go. And you could sense she got off on that. Even in the rolling chair when she steals the nurse's pen and has it at her throat with that sort of suicidal gesture. You got the sense they've done this before. You knew that this nurse had opened. [16:32] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Up to her, which huge red flag. [16:37] Dr. Katrina Furey: Don't do that. [16:37] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And also, though, it's like that is most likely to happen with that kind of a patient, 100%. They're really good at getting under your. [16:45] Dr. Katrina Furey: Skin and getting you to open up to feel safe and comfortable. This is how serial killers abduct people. This is how it happens. So I thought she did an amazing job portraying both sides of that. Like, both the charming, fun, playful nature that attracts people and then that sinister, manipulative, sadistic side. [17:07] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I mean, not being impacted by Daisy's death. So, like, Susanna is very appropriate reaction. And again, I'm saying this like, ha ha. But even someone with a personality disorder. [17:23] Dr. Katrina Furey: It'S like, yeah, because she has appropriate. [17:25] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Emotions that maybe are extreme. But like, wow, you see someone who a dead body, someone who's hanging very disturbing. And you have this emotional reaction because you're a human with you know, Lisa. [17:38] Dr. Katrina Furey: Is not she takes her money and she goes I think, again, that was just such smart writing and depiction. I guess I was reading that didn't actually happen. Like, they didn't escape together. I was reading a little bit on Wikipedia about the author's take on this movie and I think she actually didn't love it. But there were some things that didn't actually happen like that scene. So whether it happened or not, I hope it didn't for daisy's Sake. But it was really smart writing to portray these two women who are both struggling psychiatrically, but with different personality flavors. And I think you do see some overlap between the Bpd and ASPD antisocial personality disorder, which, again, are all under the same cluster of personality development, like the provocative nature, the splitting, the intense mood swings, the all or nothing way of thinking and feeling and relating to people. But you see how antisocial personality disorder is different, right? [18:36] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: There's lacking empathy, there's lacking people with Bpd can relate to others. They do experience emotions appropriately and sometimes extreme. It's not a lack of in most cases, it's intense. [18:48] Dr. Katrina Furey: Exactly. [18:48] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Too many emotions. [18:50] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. It's a very intense emotions for the situation, but you still experience them. And they're not always, quote unquote, too intense. Sometimes they're totally accurate. But even, like, the scene with Susanna and Valerie where Susanna's in the bathtub, and she says awful things to thought. I don't know about you, but I felt like that was the scene where I really saw the Bpd side of Susanna. Kind of like until then, I was like, I don't really know if I buy that she has this diagnosis or if she's just, like, a struggling. Like, maybe it's a little too early to diagnose her with something like this, but then she really throws out, like, racial slurs, really derogatory things. Because I think Valerie was trying to connect with her. And I think for someone with Bpd, that feels very scary. Right. It's like you crave attachment, and you also fear it because you might lose it. So I felt like that was her trying to push her away in a really extreme way. And then later, though, you see that Susanna has a lot of remorse and guilt for what she said, whereas someone like Lisa would not. Daisy's character as well, is very you. [20:04] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Know, I think there's a lot there. I think also, if we're going on what Lisa said is true, which sounded like her dad was molesting her for. [20:14] Dr. Katrina Furey: And again, like, no one else had kind of brought that up. And I do feel like people with sociopathic traits have this uncanny ability to sniff these things out and pull them out. Right. I don't know how, but they do. They can sense this stuff and pull it out and really dig at you. Yeah. [20:34] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: We didn't know that until that scene where she was kind of pushed over the edge. But she talked about being wealthy a lot. It seemed like she was abusing laxatives. They were kind of trading colase for Valium, which can happen at residential or inpatient places. That's why you're typically supposed to show your mouth. You lift your tongue, move it around to show that you're not tonguing meds. [21:00] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. Or cheeking them or throwing them up afterwards before they've been metabolized. Yeah. [21:07] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So that's a part that's just I mean, it can happen, and it is. [21:11] Dr. Katrina Furey: What it is, but it does happen. [21:12] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: The trading is just so unhelpful, right? Because it's like you don't know what drugs you're trading something for that then you're taking could be interacting with something else that your prescriber is giving you that they don't know that you're doing this. Very dangerous do not do thought. And maybe you can speak on this a little bit. It was interesting, which I know would never happen. [21:30] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. [21:30] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So before she's seen by a medical and I'm talking about Susannah before she's evaluated or sees any psychiatrist, she's already taking medication and they're giving her laxative. Why? [21:40] Dr. Katrina Furey: I thought they were giving her sleeping pill at first. Well, I guess they also give her choli. Right? [21:45] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Well, anyway, but any medication. [21:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. So there were definitely, I would say, some positive elements of the movie about the way they depicted mental health treatment back at that time. As it was. It could be at these beautiful institutions where you would have, like, a nurse's station. Then the patients would have their rooms. There'd be a common area. There would be other rooms like the art room, the music room, stuff like that. I think even nowadays, at more residential type places, you try to have that stuff so that during the day, you're not just sitting around, there's some therapeutic intervention. Right. So that I thought was pretty positive and spot probably, I would imagine McLean still might kind of look like that. The things that I thought were not great was that, like you said, she didn't see a psychiatrist at all and she's already taking medication. Like, that doesn't happen nowadays, and she. [22:34] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Wasn'T already on it. [22:36] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. It's not like they were continuing what she was on. But even for that, if you're admitted to a psychiatric hospital and you get to the unit at 03:00 in the morning, there's a psychiatrist on staff who will at least come and do a physical exam. Listen to your heart, listen to your lungs, check your blood pressure. [22:52] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: You're getting labs. [22:53] Dr. Katrina Furey: You're getting labs done. Maybe you need an EKG just because they might have hurts like a murmur or you're on a medication, they want to make sure that your heart is functioning okay, especially her, who just had a recent overdose. And then you go through like, do you have any allergies? What other medications do you take? Do you have any dietary preferences? Nowadays they also ask you what are your pronouns? All of this stuff happens the second you hit the floor. It doesn't wait till the morning. You might not meet your primary treater and get into the therapy side of things at 03:00 in the morning, but you would have that done, and you would talk about what medications they were going to prescribe or not and why and why. So I didn't like that. And you can't force anyone to take medication. That's the other thing that was inaccurate and made me upset, is like when susannah would express, like, I don't want to take this. You can't force them. That is totally coarse. If you can't do that, you need a court order to give anyone medication, which sometimes you do have to apply for, and sometimes it is granted. Like, if you have a patient with really severe chronic schizophrenia who needs their injectable antipsychotic to maintain wellness, that gets really tricky. But for stool softener, no one's forcing you to take a stool softener, okay? And like you said, they do like, tongue and cheek checks and make sure you are taking your medication. And they depicted that sometimes, but not all the time. But yeah, the chicken carcasses. What do you think about that? Interesting. [24:20] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I mean, it seemed like she does like, purge, right? So either laxative use or there was some alluding to maybe some binging, like some little bit of bulimia both at the unit and then when she was in her apartment. That made me think that again, I mean, I'm going very loosely making that diagnosis. I also would say that the other patient on the unit who appears to have anorexia, which the weird comment of she's like, yelling about wanting her clothes, and then the nurse says, then you'll have to eat something, does not happen. [24:50] Dr. Katrina Furey: Now you can't manipulate people to eat. [24:52] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And also that's typically why there are now so many separate units. It's very unhelpful and doesn't happen frequently to have eating disorder patients within a general psych population. They are, I think, inpatient like, in a hospital can go to like a medical but even then there are very specific and I think there's really only like a couple in the country, but there's a Cute out west, and then there is Walden and McLean out east, where they have inpatient units specifically for that. Because I think it's so important for staff to be trained in a very specific way. [25:32] Dr. Katrina Furey: I did think some of the stuff they portrayed, like not giving you your clothes until you eat doesn't happen. Other stuff, though, that they portrayed, like her exercising all the time on the unit, super accurate. And that's one of the things that the staff get trained in is like, being able to pick up these subtle ways of exercising in an attempt to burn calories and things like that. [25:53] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Well, a lot of patients will share that if they are admitted into a general hospital and they do have primary ed, it's often like the worst time, which, again, is probably for many different reasons. One, they're so medically compromised. Two, this is like the beginning of the long road of often. Then maybe you're switching to an inpatient ed unit and then residential and then PHP and then IOP. There is some controversy in the community with the ethics around tube feeding. There's even more controversy within it if you are being tubed placing and pulling same day or for each meal to get you off the tube, they want you to eat, and typically you're tubed if you're really malnourished or if you're refusing. Again, I don't think they can make you without a court order, but they'll do that if you're refusing. [26:44] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah, I think that gets really tricky. And it's probably when they call for a capacity evaluation where a psychiatrist I would believe a medical doctor could do it too. Medical doctor being like internal medicine, someone who's not a psychiatrist, but still a physician would evaluate, does this patient have the capacity to refuse meals when they're this malnourished? Or is that malnourishment causing impaired cognitive what is the ethical decision of like can you make this decision knowing it's going to hasten your death or not? I mean, that's probably a huge ethical. [27:18] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And there was a case and the judge sided with the patient and the patient went on to die. They went into hospice. Just it's really horrible. Do not recommend. But these places are there for you because you are that know, you really need support. So anyway, Janet should be, I think, in a more specialized unit where she's getting meal coaching other than just being threatened or withholding other things. [27:45] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. [27:45] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I think there were some eating disorder places around Renfrew's really old. They started in Philadelphia. They're all over now, but they're like the oldest big center for eating disorder. So if they were open then she should have been there. I think she probably would have gotten better care and more specialized care. So she should transfer if it opens soon. [28:07] Dr. Katrina Furey: Well, and I'm just thinking too, back in that time, in the mid sixty s, I feel like a lot of the treatment was still very psychoanalytic. Right. So I don't know how much about. [28:16] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Your mother, let's lie down and talk about your mom. [28:20] Dr. Katrina Furey: And as a psychodynamic, psychotherapist I so fully believe in, there's huge connections cases in certain instances. Right. [28:30] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: But we need meal coaching, we need behavioral treatment, which often is DBT, and we absolutely need but I will say, too, like at that level of care, it's really hard, I think, when you're also that malnourished to exactly do that. [28:44] Dr. Katrina Furey: That's what I was going to say. Right. Like at the right time for the right patients. I feel like back then and again, I don't know, I wasn't alive in the 60s, but I feel like that's what everyone got. [28:54] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah. [28:55] Dr. Katrina Furey: And maybe that was like all we really had back then. We didn't really have the antipsychotics and stuff were just starting to come out. Maybe like CBT, DBT, these things, I don't think they were really out there yet. So yeah, I would imagine Janet was getting substandard care based on today's standards. And then it's like, well, I think Susannah was getting really good care based on today's standards. The difference in the comparison is really interesting. [29:23] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And I wanted to just if you haven't listened yet, check out our episode on Shutter Island. Because that was in, I think, around the same late fifty s the mid to early 50s. So that's not that far off from this movie. Maybe, though, ten years can make a difference. However, I think this is also, again, like a private institution versus a forensic state forensic unit. Right. [29:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: But you're right, it's really interesting to sort of watch both of those and kind of compare and contrast them and they do get some of the historical points accurate. And I feel like back in the 60s, again, that was when a lot of these hospitals were being shut down in an effort to have people be treated in the community. Which again, is like, great, let's do it. But the money to actually do it, guys. [30:08] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah, no, totally. That's a huge problem. Anyway, there was a lot of other things wrong, like the orderly having oh. [30:16] Dr. Katrina Furey: My God, sexual relations. Even like them allowing her to make out or have sex with her boyfriend. No, you're not letting when people come to visit you, you don't just get to go behind closed doors and have a conjugal visit. [30:27] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: It's like a therapy session or you're playing a game. It's out in the open visiting time. [30:32] Dr. Katrina Furey: There's boundaries, especially for a patient like her. And how did the girls keep escaping and going to the basement all the time? There's people on staff overnight. The room check thing was accurate. You do come in and do checks at first, they are every 15 minutes. So I think that's really disruptive to your sleep. And we know how important sleep is to your mental health. [30:51] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So I've done checks. I only had to do one, thank goodness, because I'm not an overnighter gal. But when I worked at a residential, I did get mandated to stay once overnight. And having to do ten minute checks on a new patient, because typically when they're new, they're on the highest level of watch. [31:09] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. [31:10] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So it just sucks, a, because I wasn't used to being on night shift, but yeah, it's really hard to do as an employee or as a mental health professional. And then also, I'm sure the patient didn't love it either, right. [31:23] Dr. Katrina Furey: Because they're not just like opening the door to see if you're there. They have to make sure you're safe. Right. So if you're turned and facing the wall and sleeping, they have to shine the light in your eye, make sure not only are you breathing, but you're not hoarding some sort of weapon or things like that. So that actually was accurate. But then I was like, if they're doing the checks, there's no one in the hallways. That's just not how it happens. I don't think they would have been able to escape. I thought this scene with them all reading their files was fascinating. And to me, it kind of reminds me of like, nowadays when patients have access to their notes and stuff like that, and how that is interesting and I think different for someone reading their note from their primary care annual physical and their therapy work. Right. What were your thoughts about all that? [32:11] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah, I think we talked about this in another episode, but I'm going to bring it up again. You're supposed to write your note like there's a lawyer on one shoulder and the patient on the other. So I think though, with more electronic medical records and with more open chart things like we have my chart here, maybe that's international, maybe it's national. It's basically where you can log in, send a message to your provider, look at your lab work, et cetera, schedule appointments, also see the notes. And so there are some questions around is it helpful or not for that to be in the mental health world? And is there like a level of notes that should be shared versus not what's helpful? [32:51] Dr. Katrina Furey: What do you think? [32:52] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I think that patients should absolutely have access to treatment plans. I think that having access to all of your notes all the time, reading them on your own, is unhelpful. I totally agree. I think if you need to see the notes, you should be going over them with the provider so you can explain things. So if there's any questions or context, they can ask questions and not feel any kind. It shouldn't be negative. And they might be like, oh, well, what is that? What did that mean? And then you're there to explain exactly what that meant. [33:29] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. I think, though, kind of like these women reading their files, it can be jarring. I don't think I'd want to read my psychological assessment of myself by myself. I feel like that's like really I. [33:43] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Think it's more damaging it can be. [33:45] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I think it can really damage the therapeutic alliance with your provider too, because not everything you're observing the patient's going to see and that's going to. [33:55] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Be it might not be ready to see. [33:56] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. [33:57] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And I'll just say too, just for clarity, we're not talking **** about you in your notes, we're writing things from our perspective, from our professional perspective of what's happening. Sometimes maybe we're wrong too, interpreted something wrong. So it's really for documenting purposes, it's for billing. [34:17] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yes. [34:17] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And sometimes we might not do it perfectly. So I think that's I would lead. [34:22] Dr. Katrina Furey: With that preference and I think with, again, notes and stuff like that being more and more open, I feel like they've just become less and less helpful. I guess you leave so much out and you just have to keep it in your head, right, that it's kind of unfortunate. I do find myself being like, well, if this person ever read this, how would they feel about this? And I do think that can go both ways. On the one hand, I think it can help you remain not compassionate, but help you stay in a neutral space. And a lot of times be mindful of your own unconscious biases and be like, well, why am I putting this word in? Does it really need to be there or not? And on the negative side, it can make you withhold things that really should be there, but you're worried about if they read it before they're ready, how is that going to affect them? How will that affect our therapeutic alliance and their future treatment? And is that worth it? [35:23] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Right? [35:23] Dr. Katrina Furey: Is that potential negative effect worth it? It's real tricky. [35:27] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: It is. No, I totally agree. It's nuanced. I think most providers feel the same way we do. [35:42] Dr. Katrina Furey: But I did think how interesting that this film, filmed decades ago, based on a time even further in the past, is still, like, on the pulse with something really active, like, in the mental health field presently. And I also thought it amazingly depicted how mental health providers really struggle to tell people their directly. It seems like none of these girls really knew, what am I here for? What am I being treated for? Some of them did. They were like, oh, Elisa, you're a sociopath. We all know know. But, like, Susanna being like, borderline personality disorder? What is that? [36:19] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And then when she's in her family therapy session, she's like, what is that? And apparently the doctor's been telling her parents, but not her. [36:27] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right? And she is an adult. This isn't like a 14 year old. And especially, I don't know about you, Portia, but I feel like in the mental health field, we tiptoe around this diagnosis, and so we're so hesitant to talk about it and share it with people. And why do you think that is? [36:44] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I think because societally, there are negative connotations with it. And I think that at least that's my discomfort sometimes. Versus I think the more we accurately diagnose people who have Borderline and talk about it, the better care they will get, because then we know the treatment plan and they can get better. We have more than people to participate in studies, there's more research. I think we really should be accurately diagnosing the disorder and also teaching clients about it and giving them education is, like, best practice. But I think in our society, like, Bpd has a lot of negative even I think it's even, like, joked about, you're crazy, and it's females. Obviously, we're careful of that, but I think ultimately, it does more damage, not sharing or being, for sure, hesitant. But again, diagnosing someone with a personality disorder does not happen immediately. One assessment, you're getting there with tons of data and information, and over time, it's like, you're probably there, right? [37:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: Let's just call it what it is, right? But yeah, I think that reminds me of, like, early on in the movie. I think it's in this scene when she's reading her file and she sees a cluster of diagnoses at the beginning. I can't remember what they were. Do you remember what they were. Yeah, they're not accurate today anymore. We call them different things now. [38:09] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So it says Psychoneurotic Depressive Reaction, personality Pattern Disturbance resistant, mixed type, and then undifferentiated schizophrenia. [38:21] Dr. Katrina Furey: Those were yeah. And then all of a sudden, at the bottom, it's like, final diagnosis borderline Personality disorder. So can you imagine? Again, it's like, okay, she's reading all these words. Like, even as a psychiatrist, I don't understand what those early diagnosis mean because we don't use them anymore. They're a lot of big words that are confusing. So it's really hard for her to make sense of, like, what does that mean? And she goes and grabs it, looks like a DSM or something, and starts reading about it and is, like, all up in arms. And I just think, what a sad way for her to find out and then to also hear it in the family therapy where her parents know before she knows, but we're all keeping it. [38:55] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Quiet, like talk about it. [38:58] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I think I loved when she said borderline of what? Like, what does that mean? And, you know, the way I was taught to think about it and where I think the phrase comes from. And again, I will say I don't love that we call certain things personality disorders. I feel like even that phrase is really stigmatizing. I don't know of a better one, though. [39:21] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: So much of we find in patients who have borderline personality disorder, there typically is some sort of attachment trauma. [39:28] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yes. [39:28] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And so I would love for there to be a more specific trauma diagnosis other than PTSD or complex PTSD that talks more about attachment and how that then impacts relationships. I think that would be so much more helpful, better fit for people to understand. [39:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right, 100%. And I think when we use the word borderline, I believe where it came from is, again, harkening back to those psychoanalytic days, which we see in this movie of thinking about what are the defense mechanisms different people with different illnesses tend to use to live with and cope with their illness. And when we think of people in broad strokes, we think of people falling into what we call, like, the neurotic realm of personality development. These are people with, like, anxiety disorders, OCD, things like that, eating disorders. And then we think on the other end of the spectrum are people with psychotic disorders who use different types of defense mechanisms that are disconnected from reality, whereas people with neurotic disorders are maybe like uber connected to reality or a little too in their head. Borderline falls in the middle, where you sort of display some neurotic defense mechanisms and some psychotic defense mechanisms that doesn't make sense to the average person. And even as I'm trying to explain it, it's really confusing. But these are patients she did say in the movie, which was accurate, with an unstable sense of self, unstable moods, like a lot of mood swings again, some safety concerns in the most severe cases, which we see with her right at the beginning. But, again, it's like what I also loved about this movie was when they captured her at this age because some of these personality traits, again, not the safety concerns, like, we'll put that over here on the side. But some of the other stuff, the big mood swings, the idealization devaluation, the splitting that is normal in development from when you're very young, like, born to as you're growing up into adolescence. And then as your brain matures and you mature, you're able to sort of hold on to good and bad feelings and thoughts simultaneously. But that takes time. It does. And so a lot of people are also really hesitant to make this diagnosis, I hope, in a teenager or young adult, until you really see these traits and these issues sort of being persistent and present across all different facets of someone's life and over a long period of time. Otherwise, it does raise the question of is this just quote, unquote, like normal adolescent angst, like the suicide attempt? No, but some of her questions to Dr. Wick, like, well, how many partners is promiscuous? And what is it for a man, like, totally trapped, right? [42:21] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: And for the time, just thinking of being in the think thinking of Susannah and then her mom, I would say probably very different expectations for how to behave. They talk the Vietnam War. There's a draft going on. So I think this is also just like, a very culturally changing time for so many behaviors might seem so unsafe besides the safety safety issues, like the promiscuity that they keep talking about to even the doctors, right? Because they're of that other generation as well, that maybe is having just more of that judgment or thinking it's more of a behavior than her. Just like right in the 60s as a young adult, like, expressing herself and her sexuality, right? [43:02] Dr. Katrina Furey: And then it's like, well, yeah, and having sex with an older man who's married. Again, I felt like there was so much almost blame put on her. But it's like, what about him? Right? [43:15] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: The mom are there at the ice cream store for that scene, and that wife and daughter come in, and Susanna susanna's trying to kind of hide herself initially. And then the mom sees her, comes over and is like, It's her fault. And it's also like, okay, but of course, right, like, you're so you're not blaming the adult in the situation, your husband, who's and, you know, she's single, she's young. Of course it's her fault, right? [43:41] Dr. Katrina Furey: There's all these assumptions and a lot of blame on her. But it's like, what about him? And taking advantage of a younger girl. And again, not saying that there aren't cases where maybe the younger girl is more of the instigator, I guess you could say. But still, I was like, I see her point here. [43:58] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Well, and then he was continuing to want to follow up, and she remember at the beginning like, no. And kind of shuts the door on him. So even that felt like it was a little bit more on him, or else it was going to be more on him. But at the ice cream scene, I do think that that is when Susanna does kind of or Lisa's actions to kind of save Susanna is where Susanna does really align with her, and that's how that then, you know, then Lisa gets her trust on her. [44:24] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I think Lisa, with her sociopathic traits, can sniff out who's vulnerable. And I do think people with Bpd are vulnerable to attracting toxicity or finding themselves in these toxic relationships. Like, hearkening back to Tanya from White Lotus. As we're talking now, I'm wondering if that suicide attempt was somehow connected to that relationship with that man. Like if in some way she felt rejected and then attempted suicide. And if somehow, maybe the doctors knew that and we didn't quite hear that as a viewer. But that, to me would give more of more evidence for a true Bpd type of diagnosis where really the core inner wound and fear is related to attachment and feelings of abandonment or rejection are really hard to navigate, I think. As we wrap up, I wanted to just ask you, do you think Lisa would have actually been crying at the end? I did think her and the four point restraints were those are what restraints look like. Even these days, restraining someone is like the soul crushing thing that you have to do sometimes as a psychiatrist on inpatient units like this, when there's a real safety issue happening, we try to do it in the least restrictive way as possible. You do see another character earlier in the movie in a straitjacket. We really don't use those anymore, but what you saw depicted is what strait jackets looked like, and they were used back then. Do you think Lisa would have cried with Susanna's departure? [45:57] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: If the tears were real, they would. [45:59] Dr. Katrina Furey: Have to be about she's. [46:03] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Yeah. [46:03] Dr. Katrina Furey: I don't think she's feeling sad to lose her friend. I think she's being manipulative. The tears are real about her to make Susanna feel bad for saying all those things. I think that is what it is. But I don't think a true sociopath is capable of having tears or really know if someone's coming or going. Right. [46:23] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: I also think, just like to add to Lisa is that the reason that we wanted to deinstitutionalize people is because you can become institutionalized, where you get used to living in a state like that, which I would also say you're around trauma a lot, and chaos. It's scary setting things. So I think that also, after eight years, I would imagine changes someone, and. [46:48] Dr. Katrina Furey: You become dependent on the institution. [46:50] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Like, why she's there, sure. But for her to be there for eight years, I think also must impact her everything. So I'm just curious, even just thinking about what has that done to her? That's why we like to keep people in the communities, in their communities. It is what's best when there are enough resources. So I think that's also just something to think about, like, how have the eight years been there for her, impacted her? [47:19] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. It's kind of like what we see when people are in the criminal justice system for a long time, then they get released and they reoffend and come back. Sometimes they don't know how to survive anymore, like, outside of an institution like that. [47:32] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: All right, well, thanks for joining us today. We hope that you enjoyed today's episode. If you did, please feel free to rate the episode with five stars and then check us out on Instagram at Analyze Scripts and TikTok at Analyze Scripts podcast. And we would love for you also to subscribe. We have gotten a little bit of a bump this week and we're really. [47:51] Dr. Katrina Furey: Excited about it, so we do see. [47:53] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Every subscriber add on. It brings us joy. So if you'd like to participate in. [47:56] Dr. Katrina Furey: That, feel free and spread the news. All right, see you next Monday. [48:00] Portia Pendleton, LCSW: Thanks. [48:00] Dr. Katrina Furey: Bye bye. [48:07] Dr. Katrina Furey: This podcast and its contents are a copyright of analyzed scripts. All rights reserved. Any redistribution or reproduction of part or all of the contents in any form is prohibited. [48:19] Dr. Katrina Furey: Unless you want to share it with your friends and rate, review and subscribe, that's fine. [48:23] Dr. Katrina Furey: All stories and characters discussed are fictional in nature. No identification with actual persons, living or deceased places, buildings, or products is intended or should be inferred. This podcast is for entertainment purposes only. The podcast and its contents do not constitute professional mental health or medical advice. Listeners might consider consulting a mental health provider if they need assistance with any mental health problems or concerns. As always, please call 911 or go directly to your nearest emergency room for any psychiatric emergencies. Thanks for listening and see you next time. Don't.

Welcome back to Analyze Scripts, where a psychiatrist and a therapist analyze what Hollywood gets right and wrong about mental health. Today, we analyze the 2013 psychological thriller "Side Effects." Did ya'll remember that Channing Tatum was in this movie becauwe we didn't and it was a nice surprise! Too bad he died. In this episode, we explore Rooney Mara's portrayal of what we initially believe is major depressive disorder but then discover is actually manipulative behavior more consistent with malingering of a sociopathic level. We also discuss all sorts of medications and their side effects, including antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics. We hope you enjoy! Instagram TikTok YouTube Website [00:10] Dr. Katrina Furey: Hi, I'm Dr. Katrina Fury, a psychiatrist. [00:12] Portia Pendleton: And I'm Portia Pendleton, a licensed clinical social worker. [00:16] Dr. Katrina Furey: And this is Analyze Scripts, a podcast where two shrinks analyze the depiction of mental health in movies and TV shows. [00:23] Portia Pendleton: Our hope is that you learn some legit info about mental health while feeling like you're chatting with your girlfriends. [00:28] Dr. Katrina Furey: There is so much misinformation out there, and it drives us nuts. [00:31] Portia Pendleton: And if someday we pay off our student loans or land a sponsorship, like. [00:36] Dr. Katrina Furey: With a lay flat airline or a major beauty brand, even better. [00:39] Portia Pendleton: So sit back, relax, grab some popcorn. [00:42] Dr. Katrina Furey: And your DSM Five and enjoy. [00:57] Portia Pendleton: Today we're going to be talking about side effects, which I had never seen before, which I think some people might find, like, shocking. This is like a movie about a lot. Therapy, mental health, medications. [01:10] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. [01:11] Portia Pendleton: So we're going to be talking about that today. I'm really excited, and I kind of just wanted to say briefly, wow. Like, Channing Tatum was in it, and I was like, is this why everyone watches the movie? Hello, Andrew Law? [01:26] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. [01:27] Portia Pendleton: How long did it take you to figure out who was running the show? [01:32] Dr. Katrina Furey: So I've seen this movie several times. The first time not till the very end. I remember being really surprised. What about you? [01:41] Portia Pendleton: Same. [01:41] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah, right. I didn't get it the first time I watched it, I thought I think I thought this was supposed to be a medication side effect. And that was like the whole premise. And then when they got into the insider trading and all this stuff, I was like, oh, whoa. Yeah, I didn't see that coming at all. And then when I rewatched it before recording this episode, I remembered the plot. And so I was really watching Rooney Mars character a lot more closely to see if I could pick up on sort of subtle things that would suggest she was malingering. And they even used that word correctly, which is kind of feigning symptoms for what we call secondary gain, which means, like, to get out of work or to get money in a settlement or to stay out of prison or stuff like that. What did you think about Rooney mara's portrayal of what we think at first is a woman with depression? [02:41] Portia Pendleton: I thought it was great. I thought it also shows how we can be, like, functional. [02:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yes. [02:48] Portia Pendleton: So she's working, she is dressed well, but behind the scenes, like someone who's really suffering with kind of it appears, maybe more like major depressive disorders. She's having these episodes versus kind of more persistent depressive disorder, which would just be like persistent depressive depression with periods that you can also have major depressive disorder popping into. [03:13] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. And they allude to again, I think we'll talk about her before the twist. So when we think she's just depressed and I'm saying just depressed, not to minimize the depression, but because there's more that comes out later, but I thought her eyes. She just looks subdued. She looks sad. She looks flat. She's not really super joyful. Even when they get him out of prison, she hugs him and stuff, but there's not a lot of animation there. And again, maybe that's just her personality, but she does have this suicide attempt where she rams her car into a wall in a parking garage, and when Channing goes to the hospital, he's like, oh, I thought we moved past this to suggest, like, this has happened before. And that's where she meets Jude Law's character, Dr. Banks, in the Er as the psychiatrist evaluating her. [04:08] Portia Pendleton: So what did you think of that? [04:09] Dr. Katrina Furey: Who was he evaluating before her? [04:12] Portia Pendleton: Oh, the man who was kind of delusional. No, I'm sorry. He was not delusional. [04:17] Dr. Katrina Furey: He was Haitian. Yes. [04:18] Portia Pendleton: And so he had seen the ghost of his father driving a cab, and so he kind of attacked the cab. [04:26] Dr. Katrina Furey: I'm glad I brought that up, because I remembered that's a good portrayal. I think that's something we do learn about in our training is putting the symptoms of various mental health conditions within a cultural context, because sometimes what we might think of in the American culture as delusional, like seeing ghosts of relatives who have recently died in other cultures, is not it's, like, normal in those cultures. So that was an interesting depiction of that. And again, an interesting depiction of a black man in New York City coming in and speaking a language the officer can't understand and wanting to sort of restrain him or punish him or take him to jail. And the doctor, in this case, being able to apparently speak French or Creole I think it was French and get a sense for what's really going on and keep him out of jail. So that's an example of not malingering. That's not malingering. That's like the law psychiatry or mental health interface, like, working appropriately. [05:32] Portia Pendleton: That was really great, and I thought it was just, like, a good check mark for him, for his character. [05:40] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. And then now that we're talking about it, like a really interesting juxtaposition to him then moving next door, wherever, and evaluating Emily. Again, a white woman, someone later calls her, like, a fragile bird, attractive and just I guess you're right. I do pick up a lot on the background or the setting. I didn't love that. He didn't close the curtain right away. He starts the interview standing over her. I didn't love that. Just, again, like, a man towering over you and you're feeling really emotional and vulnerable. I don't love sit down so you're level. Don't get too close, though. I like that he didn't get too close. I think eventually he sat. Eventually he closes the curtain. I thought his line of questioning was pretty good in the way that she was saying, like, oh, my head hurts. They said I might have a concussion. And he's like, well, we got to wait for the CT scan. How's your head been lately? That's kind of weird. That's kind of a clunky thing to say. He didn't introduce himself as a psychiatrist right away. I'm not sure why or if that was intentional to see again. Maybe he already suspected she'd withhold things. If he did so, maybe he wanted to see if she'd reveal anything before she knew. That. That, to me now that I'm saying it should have been his first sign that something was off here. He says to her, usually when someone's in a car accident, there's skid marks. You try to avoid hitting the wall, but you went right for the wall. So to us, that suggests a suicide attempt. I can't believe she wasn't hospitalized. [07:27] Portia Pendleton: Well, that was what I was thinking. I was like, she didn't come in with kind of a thought of suicide and now is presenting, after waiting in the air for many hours as safe and has a caregiver or a partner and is evaluated and is sent home and non hospitalized. That happens a lot. Maybe sometimes it shouldn't, but this was an attempt, and this was a really serious attempt. [07:52] Dr. Katrina Furey: Like she rammed her car into the wall. I thought, though, that they did a good job portraying what we sometimes look for, which is called future oriented, like having plans for the future. Like, oh, no, I can't be outside. I have to go to work tomorrow. My husband just got home. I can't do that. At the same time, when I was working in Ers with evaluating patients like this, I don't care how future oriented you are, when you ram your car into the wall, you need to be hospitalized. And the fact that she was able to talk him out of it when that was his first instinct to me is, like, in retrospect, red flag number one. Yeah, right. The fact that she's like, you have an office, right? I'll come see you a handful of times. [08:33] Portia Pendleton: And to me, that was red flag number two, because I don't think that that happens often. I don't know of the ethics behind it, but I just don't think that that's typically available. [08:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: No. Right. [08:47] Portia Pendleton: Like, you'd be referring to, like, a PHP partial hospitalization program, tense about patient program through your hospital. You know what I mean? That would be the treatment exit. [08:55] Dr. Katrina Furey: Not just like, I just ran my car into the walk. I'm going to go see an outpatient psychiatrist. That's not an appropriate level of care for that severe thing that just happened. I think you need at least a couple of days. But again, unfortunately, this should always happen, right? Unfortunately, there's not enough hospital beds. Patients wait and wait and wait in the Er forever. Sometimes insurance won't cover it, even after something like that. I'll never forget my training, working on the inpatient child unit and being told by insurance it was my job to do the peer to peer review because they were denying ongoing a hospitalization for like a twelve year old girl for suicidal thoughts and depression because she hadn't actually attempted anything. So they thought we should discharge her. And it was like, unreal that they told us they're not going to pay for it because she hadn't made an attempt drives me nuts. But anyway, she had made an attempt. She should have been hospitalized. So the fact that she was able to manipulate him into going against his better judgment by appealing to well, I'll see you in your practice. I couldn't tell if he was affiliated with the hospital. It didn't seem like it. It seemed like he was like what we call moonlighting or like picking up. [10:11] Portia Pendleton: Side shifts, which he does talk about later because he's working all these multiple jobs. [10:16] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right, exactly. So maybe he's like, oh, a patient, oh, a couple of times a week maybe it seems like he needs the money. And then we sort of start seeing her meeting with him. And again, the boundary crossings just continue our favorite. So, yeah, we see her starting to open up to him. He starts talking about medication, which again is is warranted. Yeah. When someone presents with significant symptoms of depression status post a suicide attempt, I think that's when she brings up Dr. Seabird's name, which is played by Katherine Zeta Jones, and she gives consent for them to talk to each other about her case, all of which is normal. And then somehow he sees Dr. Sebert at, like it looks like a pharma. By pharma I mean pharmaceutical company, like dinner or talk or something. And Dr. Sebert like, very casually mentions, oh, oblixa, I did write down, being a psychiatrist, the medications Dr. Sebert said she had tried Emily on, wellbutrin, Prozac affects her, and she apparently had problems with sleep and nausea. So that's interesting because those can be common side effects. And we have medications in different classes. We have Prozac, which is an SSRI, effects are an SNRI, and then Wellbutrin, which has a different mechanism of action in which we think of as sort of in this category of medications called like, atypical antidepressants, which just means, like other they work in different ways. So looking at that, my thought as a psychiatrist is did she have adequate trials on any of these? Like, could she tolerate them long enough to see did they really work because these medications take several weeks to kick in? Or did she stop them pretty early because of side effects? Problems with sleep and nausea are really common early side effects that usually go away if you can stay on it and you can prescribe things to sort of help with that in the early stages. It's weird to me that she was only on one SSRI. Then we jump and again, I'm assuming we started with Prozac because that's typical practice, but maybe we didn't. But then you jumped to an SNRI then you jumped to this other thing. It's pretty atypical to jump around so quickly. And then it sounds like she was taking, as prescribed by Jude Lav's character Zoloft, 100 milligrams, which is a pretty high dose. So pretty high to get to 100 so quickly. Those are kind of my thoughts. [12:47] Portia Pendleton: Is that dosage more like along the lines of an OCD patient? [12:53] Dr. Katrina Furey: Not quite. That's a great question. So usually, like with Zoloft, you start around 50. You could start lower if you've never been on medication before to help ease the side effects as you're starting them, or if it's like, a young person or really thin person, you might start lower. 100 is, like, a pretty good dose for depression. I think the way it was depicted in the movie, I just felt like they got there really quick, which, again, you might want to given the severity of her suicide attempt, but usually you might go a little slower. But maybe again, I'm just assuming this was, like her first dose was 100. OCD definitely responds to higher doses of SSRIs compared to things like anxiety and depression. So for Zoloft, the therapeutic windows anywhere from 50 all the way to, like, 400 milligrams for OCD. Oftentimes people with OCD end up somewhere between two to 400, depending on the situation, but 100 could do it. Okay. Some other early boundary crossings that we see between Emily and Dr. Banks first, not hospitalizing her. The second, I would say, is when she found him. It looks like in it looks like maybe like some common area. So his office must be near the hospital or something. Almost gave me the vibe of, like, a cafeteria or something like that atrium that's right where he was sitting with his wife, who was preparing for a job interview, and he gives her a Pranal, and I thought, oh, gosh, he doesn't have great boundaries. You should never prescribe for your spouse or for someone you know? I mean, do do doctors do that sometimes? I'm sure proprietary is a pretty benign medication, but I think it just speaks to his own poor boundaries and why a patient like Emily might be able to sort of sniff that out and use it to her advantage. So all of a sudden, he gets a call with Emily kind of rambling on the phone, I think after she had tried to maybe jump in front of the subway train. And then the officer saved her at the last minute. But then she shows up as he's. [15:09] Portia Pendleton: Trying to his wife staring at a poster of oblixa right in the train station for a while, just like looking at it. And then she kind of walks over. [15:18] Dr. Katrina Furey: To the edge and then toes it. I didn't notice that, but you're probably right, because we'd heard about Oblixa from Dr. Sebert, like, in the scene before, and they kept talking about how you see the ads. You see the ads, and I will say, I hear this all the time from patients. I remember when I started my training, Abilify, there were a lot of ads out there for Abilify, and I had a patient who was like, I want to switch from this medicine. I've been on and been stable on for 20 years to Abilify. So this does come up. I thought that was I wanted to. [15:49] Portia Pendleton: Ask you, so if a patient comes in and they have seen like, a new medication on TV and it looks and they're excited about it, does that typically make it work better at all? I think Placebo mentioned that in the movie a little bit. [16:06] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah, you're right, she did. She was like, I think with your positive endorsement, it could work better. I mean, so certainly we know that the placebo effect is real. So by the placebo effect, I mean, they've done studies and stuff where if you give patients, like a sugar tablet, but you say it's an antidepressant or something, then sometimes the patients start to feel better, like they believe in what you're giving them. And that is part of the art of prescribing medications, I think, is not necessarily using that to your advantage. But it's really important when you're prescribing a medication, whether it's for psychiatric issues or something else, to get buy in, right? Like, if you're prescribing a medicine to someone because they have high blood pressure and you want them to work on it with lifestyle modifications, like with diet and exercise, you want to get buy in that all three methods of targeting the problem are going to be effective. So I think that's the kind of thing where if you come to me and I'm like, well, we could give you Zola, but it doesn't really work, are you going to be like, sure, I'll take that. [17:15] Portia Pendleton: That makes sense. I feel like even with therapy, I think some protocols actually, I don't want to say require, but really you're supposed to kind of speak to the results that have been studied. You're supposed to really kind of like, I don't want to say Hype up the program, but Hype is effective. This works for people, really, to get the bind. So it sounds like it's almost along that line. It's not necessarily like placebo effect in our practice, right? That's a lot of in research trials and stuff like that. But you have to get people's kind of excited to what you're trying to have them do. [17:52] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right? And I think patients will show up having seen ads and commercials and stuff like that for newer medications and wonder about it and some I mean, gosh talk about like buy in. I mean, the the like people like, make these commercials with the goal of, like, kind of manipulating you into wanting to take this specific medication so they can make money from it. And some of these commercials are really intense. [18:18] Portia Pendleton: So I thought at this point, in the movie, this was where we were going. Right. I thought like big pharma was like trying to kind of push this pill. I almost felt like in a little bit of a way it was going to be like the oxy. We secretly know that it's not effective or there is this really bad side effect. We're brushing it on the rug, don't tell anyone. Prescribers. [18:39] Dr. Katrina Furey: Push it, push it. [18:40] Portia Pendleton: But that was not the way this movie ended. But at this point that's what I was thinking. [18:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah, that's what I thought too is it was going to be all about Big Pharma. And I think unfortunately, you're right. There are stricter laws now about you see, in the movie pharmaceutical reps taking doctors like out to lunch or dinner. And they talk about how back they could be a quote unquote spokesperson for a pill and be flown out to some conference in an exotic location, give a talk for 15 minutes and have their whole vacation comped. Those sorts of things did used to happen. I didn't get to do any of that because they have these stricter laws which are good. Which are good because they did find like surprise, surprise, doing stuff like that did in fact influence physicians prescribing practices. Which makes sense. [19:33] Portia Pendleton: Yeah. And I was thinking same along the lines of this used to be a big practice for residential treatment centers, doing kind of the same thing with big pharma as big Pharma. So they would invite you to come tour their facility in Palm Beach and then you're going to refer your patients with substance use disorders there. It really primarily was kind of a big business with substance use all around this kind of same time. [20:01] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. [20:01] Portia Pendleton: I feel like this is really popular to do. They want kind of to push patients. And now we are seeing and have seen the effects of this. So specifically talk a little bit about the state of Florida kind of being famous for having a lot of rehab centers. There was kind of in the news, a lot of unethical drug testing. So they'd be billing at really high rates these really expensive complex blood tests and labs and that's kind of how they're getting paid. And all these people have ended up in Florida and then kind of like homeless and then using drugs. Again, like a halfway highland houses. There's this whole pipeline. [20:40] Dr. Katrina Furey: It's very interesting that's the thing is, unfortunately, there is a nefarious pipeline. Where? I don't remember all the details, but unfortunately there have been then, like, big business partnerships, I guess, between a rehab center and a halfway house or where the patient would go afterwards, where then the patient does rehab. They pay out the wazoo they charge for these tests, like you're saying. Then they go to this halfway house that's contracted with the rehab center. And then the halfway house, they get reintroduced to the drug, sometimes on purpose. I think that's the most nefarious egregious thing that's come out. I mean, how disgusting is that? And then they go back to the rehab and it's just a cycle, and it's all for money making, and that just makes me want to vomit. [21:25] Portia Pendleton: Yeah, I mean, it's horrible. And I think that's right. And we've seen that with Big Pharma too, and that's why we don't get this anymore. [21:33] Dr. Katrina Furey: But I thought this was going to be like a movie, like anti Big Pharma. Anyway, we got derailed, but hey, big Pharma. So Emily somehow finds where he is in the atrium again, like, how unclear? And interrupts his combo with his wife. You can tell his wife's annoyed. She's, like, wanting some emotional support from him. This is a really awkward conversation to have in public. Again. He's like, if this just she sort of makes a provocative comment alluding to, like, sort of happened again. And he's like, well, if that's the case, I need to admit you to the hospital. Yes, that's the right step. And then she's like, no, I just need five minutes. I have to get to work. Can we go talk somewhere? And the answer is no. The answer should be no. But she manipulates him or something. [22:24] Portia Pendleton: I thought that it was interesting that his wife was I understand why she was upset. Like, she needed support, and her husband was kind of getting called to this work duty. But I feel like I'm assuming that this doesn't happen ever. This is a strange thing, right? Like a patient coming up to him. So I felt like her reaction almost felt, like, a little strange. If I was out in public and out to dinner with my partner, and we're sitting there and a patient comes up to me and starts talking about what seems to be, like, active suicidality, that would be not normal. My partner would be like, what the **** is happening? [23:06] Dr. Katrina Furey: They wouldn't even get up and leave. [23:08] Portia Pendleton: Right? Sad or mad at me. They would just be like, this is strange. [23:14] Dr. Katrina Furey: Weird. Yeah. [23:15] Portia Pendleton: So I felt like her being mad. [23:17] Dr. Katrina Furey: Just, like, felt off. I think she was mad that he chose to go, but I feel like. [23:25] Portia Pendleton: Within the context, you have to handle that. You don't need to meet with him. You know what I mean? But you have to handle the situation. Whether it's like talking to them outside and saying, this is wildly inappropriate. [23:38] Dr. Katrina Furey: I don't know. Asking her wife, can you go get a security guard? [23:45] Portia Pendleton: Maybe she was pretty. [23:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: That's the thing. I was wondering if there was some competition and if that was intentional. I think now we know it probably was to stir up some feelings of jealousy and stuff. And then they have this mini session, like, on some couch somewhere, and there's that Victoria Secret. Yeah. So they're sitting, like, really close together. Their body language was interesting because she's, like, face toward him with her legs up on the couch. You can see her bare legs. She's just sort of talking to him and pulls out, like, a Victoria's Secret bag, saying, like, I'm really trying. And he acknowledges again, I was like, oh, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick. Yeah. [24:23] Portia Pendleton: And again, the boundary crossing is when he agrees to meet with her also, like, in this public place, so on and so forth, and just meeting with her. But besides that, what he's saying. He's not flirting with her. He's not doing anything, like, inappropriate. Inappropriate in that moment within that context. But I think then we learn later a picture gets taken of them in this moment where she is holding up this Victoria's Secret bag, and they're comfy, quote, unquote, on this couch. But it's like, that is not what was happening. [24:58] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right, exactly. That's why you always have to be so careful. Totally. And this is why boundaries are so important. And this is why it's important to listen to your own gut feelings when you're evaluating new patients, because I think you could pick up some of these subtle red flags really early on and see how this could unfold. And so again, he doesn't hospitalize her against his better judgment, and then things really unravel. So he's like that's when she, Emily, asks, can you start me on Oblixa? Like, my friend so and so is on it. I hear it works. And he'd heard that from Dr. Sebert, who then we find out is, like, really pushing Oblixa. I loved what Dr. Sebert was like. Oh, you can have an Oblixa pen. Yeah. I was like, we should make analyze script pen. [25:49] Portia Pendleton: I have a lot of residential treatment pens. [25:52] Dr. Katrina Furey: I bet you do, right? It's just so classic. So then he puts her on Oblixa instead of Zoloft. And getting back to one of your questions, certainly there are more and more new antidepressants out there. Oblixa. I thought it was so funny the way they picked this fake name because it was like a combo of Abilify. And I thought, like, Trntilix, which are both too. Abilify has been around longer. What about Selexa and Selexa oblixa? They just sort of, like, combined it all. [26:22] Portia Pendleton: And it sounds real. It totally sounds like a medication sounds. [26:26] Dr. Katrina Furey: Like a medicine name. So I thought that was funny. And then I think it kind of starts to work, but she starts having these quote, unquote, like, sleepwalking episodes, which seemed convincing right at first, and then that's why he eventually prescribes this new medicine deletrix or something, which, again, sounds like a convincing medicine name. And that's where he's now participating as a consultant with a pharma trial being paid being paid, like, $50,000, which, again, sounds like a lot. I would have cautioned Dr. Banks to say, okay, after taxes, how much are you really getting, and is it worth it? [27:07] Portia Pendleton: And he does disclose that he did it. Again, it seems some things pretty by the book he's with another patient who he's telling about this trial that he's in and that he is being compensated for it. And he gives her this information that she'll receive the medication at no cost. And it's like, that why people agree. [27:27] Dr. Katrina Furey: To the trial, right? And that's what I think the pharmaceutical industry uses to its advantage. They still provide free samples, which I. [27:35] Portia Pendleton: Think can be right on the one hand, a way to assist people who cannot pay for it initially, or there's just problems with that, too, but that still happens. People still do get free samples of lots of things. Birth control antibiotics, or, like, Vivams, like. [27:56] Dr. Katrina Furey: A new Stimulant, which is really expensive, works great. I prescribe it a lot, but it can be expensive if you don't have good health insurance coverage. So they might give you, like, a quote unquote drug coupon where you can get, like, the first month free, and then you have to pay $600 the rest of the time. Anyway, as we're thinking about this, shout out to Mark Cuban's Pharmacy because they are providing a lot of medications at very affordable rates. Mark Cuban, if you want to sponsor the podcast, please feel free. Anyway, so they add in this new medicine, and then it turns out she murders her husband, basically, right? Like, she again has another one of these quote unquote sleepwalking episodes, ends up stabbing him multiple times, and then goes to sleep and he dies. Before we saw the end of the movie. What did you think about that whole scene? [28:45] Portia Pendleton: I thought that it was I was shocked, but based on another episode of prior episode of her kind of sleepwalking, I was like, I don't want to say, like, it wasn't surprising, but that didn't shock me. Something was going to happen in the movie. I was like, okay, this is it. And then she's going to be like, how are they going to go after her? [29:04] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right? [29:06] Portia Pendleton: Are they going to blame the drug? Are they going to blame her? How will they do this? That's what I was thinking. I was sad to see Channing Tatum go. Martin is his name in the movie, right? [29:21] Dr. Katrina Furey: He's not a Martin. I'm always sad to see Channing Tatum go. Yeah. I like to watch him walk away. Yeah. [29:30] Portia Pendleton: But he you know, he did not walk away. He laid on the floor and blooded out. [29:35] Dr. Katrina Furey: So then she gets shirtless. I know. [29:37] Portia Pendleton: Like, come on, haven't they seen Magic Mike? [29:40] Dr. Katrina Furey: What did you think about Rooney Mara's acting in that scene? Did you buy it? [29:46] Portia Pendleton: I did. [29:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. Too the first time. Totally bought it. And that's where I thought the movie was going. Let's see what happens here. And I thought, actually, their depiction of the whole legal process, the not guilty by reason of insanity, the NGRI, I thought that was actually pretty accurate. And again, I'm not a forensic psychiatrist. We hopefully will be having one on in. The next couple of months. But I thought overall, that was a pretty accurate depiction of how that process works. And thank God for things like not guilty by reason of insanity so that people who do commit crimes or murders or what have you when they are in the throes of a mental health episode instead of just being locked up in jail, which unfortunately has become how sad is this? The largest place where mental health treatment is delivered because we don't have enough mental health hospitals in the country. That's a whole other episode and issue. But anyway, those patients can go to, like, a forensic psychiatric unit and receive treatment. Unfortunately, I think oftentimes what then happens is once their sanity is restored sometimes, then they're tried again. I'm not a forensic psychiatrist. Do you understand that differently? [31:01] Portia Pendleton: Yeah. And I think it's interesting why it would go either way. Right. Some people are charged with not guilty by reason of insanity go on to serve their time in an inpatient unit and then are let out right into society. And other people are get off temporarily not guilty by reason of insanity, receive the care and then have to and then are tried. [31:25] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah, exactly. [31:25] Portia Pendleton: I'm curious what the differences are. I'm sure it's clear. I just don't know it. [31:29] Dr. Katrina Furey: Well, hopefully when we have her case. [31:31] Portia Pendleton: It sounded like she got the she was going to get R. Right. [31:35] Dr. Katrina Furey: And that's the part where I'm not sure. Does that actually happen? When we have dr. Tobias wasser on in a couple of months, we will ask him. [31:43] Portia Pendleton: And it was a really short time. Right. And I think they also had to kind of convince her because at first she was like, no, I don't want to have to go there. I'm not going to be able to leave. And they were like, no, this is the golden egg. You got the best offer. It's 1% that this actually works. [32:00] Dr. Katrina Furey: I thought it was really weird that the state and the defense both wanted her psychiatrist to be their expert witness and that he would agree either way. Didn't you think that was weird? [32:14] Portia Pendleton: So I thought at first, before the twist, that the state was involved somehow with big pharma. I thought it was very strange that he was being approached. That lawyer, that guy. [32:29] Dr. Katrina Furey: I just felt like that would, like. [32:31] Portia Pendleton: It seemed like he had some other motive. [32:34] Dr. Katrina Furey: And that's what I was just like. [32:36] Portia Pendleton: And I was wondering if they were trying to get him, the psychiatrist on board so that he could speak to that it's not the drug. Right. And try to get the drug off. That's what I was thinking. [32:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: But again, Dr. Banks, like, what a conflict of interest. I feel like that's pretty like Psychiatry 101 where you should not be you. [32:58] Portia Pendleton: Can'T be the actions treating and her psychiatrist. You have to be one or the other. [33:05] Dr. Katrina Furey: Not only her past treater. Like when this happened, but you continue to treat her while she's in the forensic unit. Again, that doesn't track for me. That's not really what happened. No, I think any psychiatrist who would unfortunately find themselves in this situation would a, call your malpractice, who will appoint your defense, and B you're not involved anymore. [33:28] Portia Pendleton: Right. [33:28] Dr. Katrina Furey: So the fact that he kept getting involved, I think speaks to how she kind of had her hooks in him and he felt compelled, do you think, to clear his own name? [33:37] Portia Pendleton: I think so. [33:38] Dr. Katrina Furey: I think it was both. [33:39] Portia Pendleton: I think he wanted to clear his own name because at this point, he was being harassed by people who were really unhappy with him. His wife seems unhappy with the situation. His practice seems unhappy with the situation. I think he was trying in half to clear his name and then on the other half, I think he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her. [34:03] Dr. Katrina Furey: And he probably felt like some degree of responsibility, having been the prescriber. And I think prescribing something that he's in getting a kickback for. And even though he's, like, upfront about it, I think maybe he had some guilt there. But in the real world, that's not what happens. Actually, this does happen where attorneys will try to get you to be their expert witness. That actually happens all the time. But you're taught pretty early on and pretty clearly that that's a really bad idea because it's such a conflict of interest. Even if it's like your patients involved in a lawsuit and you're not really related, but your testimony, I guess, could support they're getting more damages or something. That's such a conflict of interest because if you do it or you could just affect the therapeutic alliance and you don't want to mess with that. [34:54] Portia Pendleton: We only really do it if we are like, subpoenaed. And sometimes subpoenas, I think we really only have to follow through if it's like they're from the state. I think you can kind of fight sometimes a subpoena or push back on it for what they're asking for when it's like a private attorney. [35:12] Dr. Katrina Furey: And that's why you always just call your malpractice and they tell you what to do. So anyway, I don't think his malpractice. [35:18] Portia Pendleton: Would have advised him to do this. [35:20] Dr. Katrina Furey: You see his colleagues telling him, like, you need to stop. Get off the case. And then he asks his colleague for Adderall because he's kind of a mess. And I was like, oh, gosh, no. [35:38] Portia Pendleton: So then this twist happens, right? [35:40] Dr. Katrina Furey: So then, you know, we love a twist. Like, one day we'll have a boundaries jingle and then we'll also have, like, a twist. Yeah, that sounds like a tornado. [35:48] Portia Pendleton: So I feel like for me personally, I got a little confused initially. Like, I maybe I was doing two things at the same time. I wasn't totally engrossed in the movie. I don't know. It took me a couple of minutes to be like, okay, so we're going. [36:05] Dr. Katrina Furey: In a totally different direction here, right? Yeah. It felt like whiplash. Yeah. [36:09] Portia Pendleton: So Rudy Mara's character is Malingering. [36:12] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. Turns out this whole time we see. [36:14] Portia Pendleton: That she is working with Katherazada Jones's character. Dr. Sebert was her old psychology and love interest. Yes. Which is very inappropriate, obviously. I feel like we don't even need to talk about that. It's obviously inappropriate. [36:27] Dr. Katrina Furey: And I feel like Hollywood loves to depict psychiatrists and patients boning. They just do. And it just really drives me nut. Yeah. [36:37] Portia Pendleton: It's really like any other really horrible thing to happen in any other field. Yes, it happens, but it's so rare, so bad. This isn't the norm. [36:50] Dr. Katrina Furey: So teacher thing. That's like, less, probably less. Right. But I did not see that coming. Like, the first time I saw this movie that turns out like they've been in cahoots the whole time and to get money. [37:08] Portia Pendleton: So that's their plan is to get this payout from causing which is kind of wild to think about all of these chain reactions to make them rich. That's how it is. So they apparently have been kind of planning to take down Dr. Banks. Right. They send him pictures. They send his wife pictures of him and her, Emily, together, which looks really sexually compromising. They float this past patient of his into his practice. So they want him out. It sounds like there was, like a death of a past patient. She took her life and she named. [37:46] Dr. Katrina Furey: Him right, in her suicide note. And he said, this is all delusional. This relationship never happened. [37:52] Portia Pendleton: Which I don't think it did. [37:54] Dr. Katrina Furey: I think he's telling the truth. And unfortunately, things like that do happen. Yeah. And so, gosh, what a lot of planning. [38:02] Portia Pendleton: It almost seems like too much, too. [38:05] Dr. Katrina Furey: Far fetched for it all to fall into place that way. [38:08] Portia Pendleton: But he starts to get, like he starts to figure it out. And he is appearing to be, like, crazy. Right. He's, like, staying up late. [38:15] Dr. Katrina Furey: He has this whole wall of all these pictures they always do with, like, a red pen and X's and, like, string taped up. And then he does give the sodium what is it? Ambutol? Truth serum. Basically. He supposedly gives her truth serum to. [38:31] Portia Pendleton: See if and at this point, we still think that he did. [38:34] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right. [38:35] Portia Pendleton: So we find out later that it was just like saline when he is telling the police or the lawyer for the state about it. And first of all, what he did is so unethical. Like unethical. And he can get in a lot. [38:48] Dr. Katrina Furey: Of trouble for it. [38:48] Portia Pendleton: So the lawyer is like, I don't. [38:50] Dr. Katrina Furey: Want to hear this. I don't want to know. [38:51] Portia Pendleton: You need to delete this. You need to get rid of it. [38:53] Dr. Katrina Furey: Because he films her. Right. [38:54] Portia Pendleton: And you can't be tried twice. So the lawyer is like, even if this is true, we have these laws that prohibit double jeopardy, I think it's called. Again, things are moving really fast, and we're starting to see that apparently she has concocted this plan with her old psychiatrist, and they were going to pin. [39:11] Dr. Katrina Furey: It on whoever evaluated her. It just happened to be him, and he just happened to have this history that sort of helped with their case. And then he's like, oh, no, you're not going to pin it on me. I'm going to pin it on you. And then it turns out that then Dr. Sebert and Emily are sort of pinning it on each other, but he starts lying and deceiving and manipulating almost as bad as Emily was to begin with. Yeah. So it's just really interesting. [39:37] Portia Pendleton: So it seems like they get her to wear a wire, emily, when she goes and meets with Dr. Sebert and gets her to kind of confess what's going on, and then Dr. Sebert feels because they're going to have sex. So she feels this pack on her back, and then the door opens and the police are there. [39:57] Dr. Katrina Furey: I know. [39:57] Portia Pendleton: And then I'm like, oh, Emily gets away. [40:00] Dr. Katrina Furey: Right? [40:01] Portia Pendleton: You think that she made this deal, she can't be tried again, and that's not the case. [40:08] Dr. Katrina Furey: So then you see they're all trying to pin it on Dr. Banks. They want her to be restored to sanity so that she can be discharged from the unit and sort of go live her happy life with Dr. Seabird. But she's supposed to keep seeing him to avoid being hospitalized. And she thought it was just going to be like, okay, let's pretend I'm seeing you, but not really. Like, you know the drill. I was malingering the whole time. I don't really need medications, blah, blah, blah. But then he's like, no, I'm going to prescribe you Thorazine and Depicote, both of which are they work. They're heavy hitters, man. Like, Thorazine is really sedating Depicode again, the side effects they mentioned from these meds were spot on. You can lose your hair with Depicode. You also gain a ton of weight. You're really sluggish cognitively. You can get a lot of acne. [40:57] Portia Pendleton: So who would be prescribed those? Like, what kind of a patient would be prescribed Thorazine and Depicote? Or either? [41:05] Dr. Katrina Furey: Yeah. So Depicote is under the class of medications called mood stabilizers, which we use for things like bipolar disorder. You do not use it in women of childbearing age because it has been shown to be associated with a birth defect, specifically neural tube defects, which lead to things like spina bifida. In pregnancy, you always take a high dose Folate, and you can take extra. If you have to be on Depicode, if that's, like, the only mood stabilizer that's ever stabilized your bipolar disorder, then by all means, you need to stay on it. But it's not the first one we use. Also, so many side effects, and there's newer mood stabilizers like lamctal. Lithium has been around forever. But it's like a really good one that's effective. It has low side effects, too. And then Thorazine is an older antipsychotic, which he does acknowledge and is true. It's what we call like a typical antipsychotic like Haldol that is used for psychotic disorders. So things like schizophrenia, we use it a lot in the emergency room and inpatient setting to also help with sedations. Like, if you're so psychotic or manic that you are unable to sleep, you'll often get Thorazine to sort of help promote sleep. So you can imagine how much fatigue goes along with it. Sluggishness. It can be very drying. Like your mouth is really dry. It's not pleasant. So he's basically, like putting her into a pharmacological prison is basically what he's doing and making sure that she has to go get drug tested to show that she's actually taking it or she's going to go back in the hospital. So he gets the final one over. [42:38] Portia Pendleton: So she is like, no, right, and runs out of there, tries to escape, and that's when she is not then right following. And I think he knows this, that she's going to have this reaction. So she kind of goes to get in the cabin, run away, and the police are waiting for her. He kind of knew all along. [42:55] Dr. Katrina Furey: I think he tipped him off that this is going to happen. He probably didn't say, like, I'm going to do this and she's going to do that. He probably was like, she's been acting odd. Can you be waiting? And then she goes back, I think to the forensic psych unit, which honestly, that's where she belongs. Yeah, that's where she belongs. Given everything that happened. Gosh, that movie had a lot of twists and turns, lots of ups and downs. I feel like there's probably so much more we could talk about, but this episode has already been really long. I thought it was interesting, Portia, that you didn't seem as into this movie as I was. Do you think it's because I prescribe? [43:30] Portia Pendleton: I don't know. What's funny, too, is that one of my friends who's not in the field at all, really loved this movie and recommended it. And I don't know, I feel like. [43:42] Dr. Katrina Furey: I was a little bored, actually. Yeah, you yawned a lot as we were recording this. [43:48] Portia Pendleton: I don't know what that says. [43:50] Dr. Katrina Furey: That's why I feel like I also. [43:51] Portia Pendleton: Missed things throughout it. [43:54] Dr. Katrina Furey: Do you think it's because we've been talking a lot about psychopaths, like with you, and maybe you're just kind of over it for right now. Maybe Tatum died. Yeah. Maybe this Zach grief is too much for you to bear. Maybe, yeah. [44:09] Portia Pendleton: I have no idea. I think that's interesting though. I was like bored. I feel like, oh, no, pay attention. Pay attention. [44:16] Dr. Katrina Furey: I know. And I couldn't wait for us to record this episode and watch it again. And you're like, over here, yawning. And I'm like, and then they got the side effect right, and then they did this right. Then they did this wrong. Maybe someday we'll have a patreon and we can record a bonus episode where we explore that reaction further. Maybe. [44:34] Portia Pendleton: This felt unbelievable to me. [44:36] Dr. Katrina Furey: I think it did. [44:37] Portia Pendleton: It did. And I think that's where I was. [44:39] Dr. Katrina Furey: Just like, this wouldn't really happen. No, it's totally I mean, again, I think once the twist came into play, then you're like, oh, God, that's what this movie is. That's so unbelievable. You know what? I think it's important that we do analyze scripts that we don't like. Yeah. All right, well, I don't want to hold you up any longer. We'll wrap up this episode. Thanks for listening. I hope that whoever's listening isn't Yawning. We'll see. Please don't forget to rate, review and subscribe follow us on Instagram at Analyze scripts. DM us. Send us an email, analyze Scriptspodcast@gmail.com and let us know what you want us to analyze next. Put you to sleep. Like this movie put portion to sleep. [45:23] Portia Pendleton: Thanks so much for listening. [45:25] Dr. Katrina Furey: See you later. Bye. [45:31] Dr. Katrina Furey: This podcast and its contents are a copyright of Analyzed Scripts. [45:35] Dr. Katrina Furey: All rights reserved. [45:37] Dr. Katrina Furey: Any redistribution or reproduction of part or all of the contents in any form is prohibited. Unless you want to share it with. [45:44] Dr. Katrina Furey: Your friends and rate, review and subscribe, that's fine. [45:47] Dr. Katrina Furey: All stories and characters discussed are fictional in nature. No identification with actual persons, living or deceased places, buildings, or products is intended. [45:56] Dr. Katrina Furey: Or should be inferred. [45:58] Dr. Katrina Furey: This podcast is for entertainment purposes only. The podcast and its contents do not constitute professional mental health or medical advice. Listeners might consider consulting a mental health provider if they need assistance with any mental health problems or concerns. As always, please call 911 or go directly to your nearest emergency room for any psychiatric emergencies. Thanks for listening and see you next time.

Visit: https://nursing.com/140meds to request your free copy of "140 Must Know Meds" Generic Name Chlorpromazine Trade Name Thorazine Indication Second line treatment of schizophrenia and psychosis, nausea/vomiting, pre-op sedation, acute intermittent porphyria, headache, bipolar Action Exhibits anticholinergic activity, alters effects of dopamine in CNS Therapeutic Class Antipsychotic, antiemetic Pharmacologic Class Phenothiazines (dopamine D2 receptor antagonist) Nursing Considerations • May cause neuroleptic malignant syndrome, sedation, tardive dyskinesia, hypotension, agranulocytosis • Assess mental status prior to and during treatment • Monitor blood pressure • Ensure patient is taking medication • Monitor CBC and liver function tests • Instruct patient not to skip doses or double dose.

In this episode, Ian speaks with his grandmother, Dianne Lane, a masters-prepared psychiatric nurse and nurse researcher who is now 90 years old. In it, she describes what life was like as a psychiatric nurse pre-psychotropic drugs.

Lora DeVore is the author of Darkness Was My Candle. This profound and compelling memoir traces her life as a survivor of child abuse, sex trafficking, illegal pharmacological drug research, and institutional abuse. Now she devotes herself to spreading the word on these atrocities with this personal documentation of her story. With an advanced degree in clinical psychology and recognized as a national expert and catalyst for change, she has witnessed how stories shift consciousness around the world. Her wisdom comes from the field of psychology, transpersonal development, and spiritual psychology. Lora's story is ultimately one of hope and healing, that we believe you will find as powerful and inspiring as we do. However, we do want to let you know that portions of the content of today's show may be emotionally challenging for some of our listeners. Please be aware that this episode contains discussions about sexual assault, abuse, self-harm and suicide at times during the conversation. We just want to empower you, our audience, with the knowledge you need to decide how and if you would like to listen to this podcast content. Learn more about Lora. Learn more about The Passionistas Project.   In This Episode: [01:37] Lora DeVore on what she is most passionate about [02:30] Lora DeVore on her early childhood [15:34] Lora DeVore on her college experience and Elgin State Hospital [24:25] Lora DeVore on her time after Elgin State Hospital [25:15] Lora DeVore on how she became a therapist [27:38] Lora DeVore on her book's inspiration and process [31:47] Lora DeVore on her book's message to survivors [35:00] Lora DeVore on her advice to her younger self [35:27] Lora DeVore on her dream for women [36:22] Lora DeVore on her secret to a rewarding life [39:57] Lora DeVore on her mantra [42:58] Lora DeVore on how it feels to be an angel for others [43:25] Lora DeVore on the story behind her book title   FULL TRANSCRIPT: Passionistas: Hi, we're sisters, Amy and Nancy Harrington, the founders of The Passionista Project Podcast, where we give women a platform to tell their own unfiltered stories. On every episode, we discuss the unique ways in which each woman is following her passions, talk about how she defines success and explore her path to breaking down the barriers that women too often face.  Today, we'll be talking with Lora DeVore, the author of “Darkness Was My Candle.” This profound and compelling memoir traces her life as a survivor of child abuse, sex trafficking, illegal pharmacological drug research, and institutional abuse. Now she devotes herself to spreading the word on these atrocities with this personal documentation of her story. With an advanced degree in clinical psychology and recognized as a national expert and catalyst for change, she has witnessed how stories shift consciousness around the world. Her wisdom comes from the field of psychology, transpersonal development, and spiritual psychology. Lora's story is ultimately one of hope and healing, that we believe you will find as powerful and inspiring as we do. However, we do want to let you know that portions of the content of today's show may be emotionally challenging for some of our listeners. Please be aware that this episode contains discussions about sexual assault, abuse, self-harm and suicide at times during the conversation. We just want to empower you, our audience, with the knowledge you need to decide how and if you would like to listen to this podcast content. So please welcome, Lora DeVore. Lora, what's the one thing you're most passionate about? Lora: I am passionate about love. I think that's the only thing that's going to save the planet and save us as human beings. And I, I've been passionate about love and trying to learn everything I could about it since I was 9 years old when a neighbor named Dale was the first person who ever said they loved me. And it literally came alive in my body and I had this profound aha and thought that's why I was born, to learn how to experience and take in and feel this thing called love and more importantly, learn how to give it, and it really, really changed the course of my life. I think I was on a trajectory where I would've ended up dead because my life was so miserable prior to that, that interaction. Passionistas: Can you talk a little bit about your life leading up to that and how that moment happened? Lora: Sure. I was born from an unwed mother. There's a good possibility that my uncle was my father and we actually lived with him. And I called him daddy when I was 3. And he shot, he had come back from World War II very wounded, and he shot himself one day in front of my mother and I, and my mother went berserk and blamed me for some reason, or at least that's my, what I took in my memory of it and then threw me upstairs—I was still in a crib at the time, but the side rail was down—and left the house. This was in northern Wisconsin and I had a profound experience during the days that I was alone. I got out of the bed at one point because I was so hungry and I went looking for food and luckily I found a loaf of bread on the table. And my uncle's body had been removed. My aunt had come over to give them a piece of my piece of her mind because we hadn't shown up for dinner, and there was a storm that had started up and she saw the dead body, called the sheriff, went halfway up the stairs, but didn't go all the way up, just went halfway up, calling for my mother and assumed that Clinton and my mother had had a fight, my mother had left with me. And it wasn't till 3 days later that my mother staggered in drunk to the memorial service and they then rushed back to the house because my mother had no idea where she'd left me. And what happened is I tried to open the door and a drift of snow came in. I remember sitting on the floor just sobbing and sucking my thumb. And the wind is blowing in because now it's blizzard weather we're, it's, we are literally having a blizzard. So this huge drift of snow blew in. And I could neither close the door nor could I fully open it. And had I been able to fully open it, I'm sure I would've died. I would've frozen to death, but I couldn't get out. And as I'm sitting there, an ethereal present appeared to me that I've never forgotten. And she was very specific. She told me to go back upstairs on my bottom, sitting backwards so I wouldn't fall and get back into my bed and cover up. And that became the foundation of my life and it opened something in me that has stayed open my entire life. But life was very hard. My mother disappeared out of my life for a couple years after that, and I lived with an aunt and my grandmother. And then my mother eventually came back and said she was moving me to St. Louis, had a horrible fight with my aunt and said she was taking me to my real daddy. And so she married a man named Bud, and I doubt if he was my real father. But they were seldom together. There was a lot of domestic violence. There was a lot of drug use. She would prostitute and then he'd get mad at her and beat her up. And so there was a lot of violence. And when I was 9, she sold me for the first time to a man. At that point, Bud was out of our lives and that's what she was doing is primarily prostitution and primarily at Army and Navy bases nearby. And, you know, before I go on, I just want to say my mother had a horrible traumatic history that I won't go into, but I do cover in the book. So I have tremendous compassion for my mother. And when she died, I felt grief for a woman who'd never had a life, who'd never really lived a life. But by age 9, I'd had my first suicide attempt shortly after she sold me to this man. And I couldn't figure out why anybody would possibly want to be here. I didn't know any adults that liked children or that were really nice to children. My guess is my aunt was nice to me, but I, you know, had pretty much forgotten that, it was so eclipsed by the day in day out trauma. And my mother truly, at that point in my life, hated me and was resentful, and frequently told me to get out of her sight. She couldn't stand looking at me, and so I pretty much raised myself and ran wild. One of the things that was lifesaving is one day I heard church music coming out of the local Catholic church, and I wandered into the church, and the choir was rehearsing up in the balcony, and I just had this need to get as close to the music as I could. So I went and sat in the stairwell, and I felt like God was raining down on my head. And after that, I went to all three churches in town. So I knew when the Methodist had choir rehearsal, and I knew when the Catholics did, and when the Lutherans did, and there was something related to transcendence and being able to get out of that psychological space I lived in. It took me to another place that I think helped keep me going. And then at age 9 I, as I said, I had my first suicide attempt. And an upstairs neighbor who'd only lived there briefly, and after an accident one day when I'd fallen through the window when some kids were teasing me, her husband had gone to the hardware store and put in a new window while she cleaned everything up. And they knew that I'd been taken to the emergency room, which was only a block away because they saw the trail of blood up there. And when I got home, her husband had finished putting in a new window and said I should go upstairs, that his wife Dale was waiting for me and had made lunch and made chocolate chip cookies. And she was the first nice adult I ever knew. And she was only there for about another month, maybe at the most, but she'd come looking for me if I was alone and I was, by then, I was frequently left alone and frequently left alone without food. And she was kind to me repeatedly. I still have the key that she gave me, that she called the ‘just in case' key, in case I got scared and wanted to come up and sleep on their couch. And I never did because I was afraid my mother would beat me if I did. But the day she was moving away, I fell apart and begged her not to leave. And she pulled me into her arms and kept rubbing my back and saying I was a good girl and that she loved me. And she made me sit up and look her in the eyes, and traumatized kids have trouble looking people directly in the eyes. But she made me look and she said she had something really important to say. And she said, “I love you, and I would take you with me if you were mine, but you're not.” And she told me that I needed to learn to take better care of myself because my mother was too sick and couldn't care for me, which gave me a huge message. And then she made me promise that I'd reach out to others. And love came alive and a mission. So I started carrying groceries home for people without money and started raking leaves and shoveling snow, and just trying to be kind at that age, which created a whole other parallel universe than the universe I was living in. So that's how that happened. I was eventually taken away from my mother at age 13 after another very violent suicide attempt. We had been court ordered by then to see a psychiatrist who was moonlighting. He worked at a, he was from a local naval base and he essentially became my mom's pimp and was a child molester and pornographer. And that totally broke my spirit in unspeakable ways. And that's what led to the huge suicide attempt. So after that suicide attempt, I probably would have attempted again, if not for a very kind nun at the, I was in a Catholic hospital named Sister Sebastian. And the story of my life, it, it's, yes, it's of darkness and horror, but it's as much about light. It's about the right people coming into my life at exactly the right time. Like Sister Sebastian, who had been in the military, she had been a WAAC in women's armed forces in World War II, and I was a candy striper at that hospital, so she'd gotten to know me pretty well. But she actually told me that she had been raped in the military and that I could survive this and that I would find a new way of living. Which I thought was tremendously courageous of her and so authentic to try to give me hope. And she told me there'd been a time when she was without hope. And then it was at that point that I was taken away from my mother. And then I lived in a number of placements. This was pre Child Protection years. And I was a really good kid. I had poor self-concept, but I was like a chameleon. I would do anything to get people to like me. And so that they'd keep me. And so there was a failure, not because I was doing anything wrong, but from one situation after another. So there were many placements. And then my senior year in high school, I ended up having a lot of problems again, and I ended up having a suicide attempt after prom after I was raped at prom. A prom I didn't want to go to, but the foster parents made me go with a friend of their son. Now I, you know, and I knew pretty quickly why no one had wanted to go with him and was too afraid to tell them, and so my old default was, I can just kill myself. So I ended up in the county hospital. And the court worker decided she was going to send me back to my mother and nothing had changed. So she sold me to some guy the first night I was there, and I learned that I was capable of murder. And it's amazing that I did not kill her and him that night. He was passed out drunk, but there was a billy club, which is a metal object that's wrapped with leather around it. And I don't know why. I don't know if he was a bouncer in a bar or who he was. I'd seen them before, and they were pretty popular back then. Policeman used him as well. I don't think he was a policeman. And after he'd raped me, I got out of the bed and I picked it up, and my mother had lived in a kitchen at apartment and was sitting at the kitchen table smoking a cigarette and drinking beer and had watched it, and I was going to bash him in the head. And I knew if I started, I'd kill my mother. So I threw it down and grabbed my clothes and got dressed in the hallway and walked around town all night, and then had a very serious suicide attempt and woke up, I don't know, a week or more later in the county hospital again. And the court worker again came in and she said, “You're not going to manipulate me, young lady. You're going back to your mother's whether you like it or not.” And the medical director of the county hospital came into my room one day, and I had pulled out all the IV tubing and tried to strangle myself after the court worker had left. And he said, “I want to get you outta this bed, but you have to promise you won't run away. And I've come up with a little plan. My nurses tell me you're a bright girl and are supposed to graduate, you know, couple scholarships to college, but I'm afraid that's not going to happen if we don't get you out of here.” So I agreed and he told me his nurse Connie was going to be joining me or joining us, and so he got me out of the bed and we walked up and down the halls a little bit, and then he told me his plan. And it was, if I could pull myself together and bring in my graduation certificate, he would hire me as a nursing assistant. That summer there were cottages out in back of the county hospital. It had once been a TB sanitarium. He said I could live rent free that summer out there. And that's what kept me going. So the day I got out of the hospital and the court worker took me back to my mother's, she just dumped me outside in front of her apartment building. So I grabbed the bag of stuff I had and put it in a locker at the bus station and then was homeless for a month. And what kept me going is that promise. And the day that I graduated and took my graduation certificate to the hospital—I still tear up when I recall this—I walked into the nurse's station and there were banners and balloons and a graduation cake, a small present from the nursing staff as well as Dr. Callaghan. So it was another one of those angels who'd come into my life at exactly the right moment. Passionistas: So, you did start college, right? Lora: Because I'd been homeless and wasn't living anywhere. I never got any mail. And because, you know, I was moving between foster care, foster homes before that, I didn't know I was supposed to sign up for a dorm, and I got to college and there were no dorms. But the Dean of girls was standing nearby when they told me that, that there were no dorms. And I just stepped outta the line and said, I guess I'll try to come back next year. And she came and got me and took me to the guidance counselor, and they were able to find me a temporary place to live with a widow in the neighborhood. And I ended up having to move three times that year. You know, the widow decided she didn't really want a student, and then I lived with a kid who lived in an apartment, but she was on so much LSD and drugs and it was so triggering, and then eventually I moved to another place, but I was working on the weekends at a small hospital as a nursing assistant. They taught me to be a nursing assistant at the county hospital, which was wonderful. And I started getting stalked by the respiratory therapist, a man in his 50s. And he started pulling me into the room closet many times and all kinds of stuff, and then showing up in the halls at school. And one night he showed up at the bottom of my L stop. This was Chicago. And had it not been for a businessman who was coming down the steps, I don't know what would've happened. He tried to pull me into his car, and so I quit my job. And because of exams and stuff, I hadn't even been keeping track of things on the bulletin board and announcements. And then I realized that, and I really went into a funk and felt unsafe. And I had the belief that I was a grownup, so I shouldn't need any help from anyone. And I found that that's true with most kids who've been in the foster care system. With most kids, unless they've come up and have parents who can really guide them. And I realized that they were going to be closing the dorm, and I had no money and nowhere to go. And I tried looking, you know, in the papers for jobs. I couldn't find anything. And I was terrified. So again, my old default was, I can just kill myself. So I did something crazy, like just took a, I don't know, a bottle of aspirin or something—I wouldn't have had anything else. And then after immediately I thought, well, that's stupid. I don't want to die. And so I made myself throw up, and then I went to look for the dorm mother. I told her what I'd done, and told her I made myself throw up, and I said, “I really need a grownup's help.” And she said she was really glad that I came to her and that she could think of a number of places that were looking for students like me for jobs over the summer. But she was going to put me in a taxi and send me across town to get checked out medically. And then I'd come back and we'd sort this out. I was fine medically, but the next thing you know, they're sending me to another hospital. They said just to, you know, have a few days of rest. And I didn't know it at the time, but that hospital wouldn't let me out because they were doing drug research and they had sent out a flyer to all the local hospitals looking for certain research subjects. And every floor did different kinds of research. And I was put on the floor with young adults who had no family support, which meant I had no one who had my back or could look out for me. And I wouldn't take the drugs. I kept spitting 'em out. I had no idea how they figured that out. Then they started giving me shots and liquid Thorazine and eventually I ran away. They got me back, and then they had me committed to the worst state hospital in the system. This was the summer after my freshman year in college. And there was the day that I came back from the court commitment, I…I can't even tell you what that was like, because in those days they committed you for life. And I could hardly think. My mind was like in shock, and I went back to my room, and I just sat. And I couldn't eat. I couldn't move. I can't remember thinking about much of anything. I felt like I was in a fog. And there was a nurse who came in and out all evening to check on me. And around 10:00 or so, she came in and she said, “I'm concerned about you, and my shift ends at 11:00, and I'm going to come and sit till dawn if that's what it takes to get you to have some feelings, because you're not going to survive where they're sending you, unless you do.” And so she did. She was there till dawn. Her name was Sydney Krampitz. And she was getting her master's in nursing at that point and only worked there three days a week on evenings, on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. And she told me before I was put on the bus that took me to Elgin, that I hadn't done anything wrong. That she felt what they were doing was illegal, and she was going to do everything in her power to get me out. But there was no way that I could trust that that could happen. How could this nurse override a judge's order? So I was admitted to the worst state hospital in the Illinois system. And I've been told by people who worked there then and a man named Bill Whitaker—who wrote a book called “Madden America” and did a lot of research about state hospitals and the drug Thorazine—that it's a miracle that I'm alive. And I believe that too. And because at that point in history, or not in history, in that point in life in the Illinois area, there weren't as many freeways as there are now. Now you could get out to Elgin in probably an hour and a half, and Sydney lived back then, about 3 hours from there. So every, and she only had Sundays off, and she had three small children and was the Lutheran minister's wife. And every morning she, on Sunday, she'd think, “I really have to go see her.” And then she kept saying to herself, “She was a bright college student. I can't believe she'd still be in there.” And so then she wouldn't go. And so it was about nine months before she came, and it was almost too late. And she said she felt haunted by me. And so she finally decided to call, just assuming that I would've been released and was shocked that I wasn't. And then she came for the first time and then continued to come and really fight them and threaten them with a lawsuit, which she said she never could have done because she didn't have the money to have a lawsuit. But she threatened them enough and became enough of a pest that eventually she helped get me out after I'd been there for 15 months. And then many years later, Sydney and I reconnected, and we went back there and we did archival research at the state, in the state capital, and found out that they were actually doing, during the time I was there, the legislature had created a committee to find out why they were having so untimely, many untimely, unexpected deaths at Elgin State Hospital. And one of the reasons was they were always short on staff. The wards were all run by AIDS and orderlies who had never been trained in medication management. And they had one physician, many of which were not licensed at all, or could practice medicine. But they were called physicians, and one of them per anywhere from 500 to 1,000 patients at any given time, and the same with nurses. And so the orderlies were, and the ward I was on was primarily orderlies. And not only were they afraid of the patients, they would over drug us all. And Thorazine is one of the primary medications, and what the report revealed is that because of the overuse of Thorazine, which causes horrendous constipation, and many people had bowel obstructions, had sepsis and died from sepsis. It was just, it's a horrendous document about this thick, and I still to this day haven't been able to read it all the way through. Passionistas: So once you got out, where did you go from there? Lora: I had to be released to a legal relative. And a cousin of mine who was only seven years older than me, who was brand new, married, and had a baby, she was willing to take me for a few months, and then I was able to go back to college. But eventually, I left the Chicago area. Passionistas: We're Amy and Nancy Harrington and you're listening to the Passionistas Project Podcast and our interview with Lora DeVore. To learn more about her work and get a copy of her book “Darkness Was My Candle,” visit LoraDeVore.com. Now here's more of our interview with Lora. Passionistas: I don't know how you survived all this trauma. You are an amazing human being. Did all of this trauma, is that what inspired you to make the decision to become a therapist? Lora: No. Not directly. It might have on someone conscious level, but it didn't directly. I was a teacher first, and I was working with deaf blind children in a program in South Dakota with visually handicapped and deaf blind children. And we were off during the summer, and I had a boss, an incredible boss, who gave out weekly awards called the the Annie Sullivan Award. So if we'd have a breakthrough, major breakthrough with a child. And I got a lot of those Annie Sullivan Awards, and I was just really good with the most disturbed kids. And she bet me that, she said, “You've gotta go back to school and get a master's degree.” And I said, “I'm not smart enough.” I still carried the, you know, this old internal message. I didn't learn to read till the end of third grade. I wouldn't have even read at all had it not been for a substitute teacher who was the first to ask me why I thought I was having trouble. And one thing was they were always put in the back room and I couldn't see, I needed glasses and then I just fell into what's called learned helpless. You know, you try so many times and have trouble with it that I just couldn't get it, I gave up. And so during a very brief time, I think she was there a week, she got me to read, and I became an avid reader. So Marge really pushed me. And so I took a couple of graduate school classes that summer and I found 'em so valuable and that I loved learning and had more confidence in myself than I'd had even when I went to undergraduate school. And so I stayed in. And I think I thought what had happened to me was an anomaly, and so I was in, and I was interested in helping people and interested in understanding people, and particularly interested in understanding families and children. So I think that's what at least consciously motivated me. But it wasn't till many, many, many, many years later that I really began—when I was writing the book—that I really began to learn about the dark history of psychiatry. And the book that I wrote is not the book I set out writing. Passionistas: Tell us about that. So, so what finally inspired you to write a book and what was that transformation throughout the process? Lora: You know, I was good at writing. Actually, two of the scholarships I won were because of writing an essay when I was in high school. And I was writing a very different book. I was writing a spiritual autobiography. And I had found a mentor, a woman named Dina Metzger, who's written probably 30 books herself, and she had agreed to be my mentor, and she was having me do some extraordinary practices to get ready for that, which I learned a lot about myself. She had me go back through all my old journals in my memory bank and look at, she was trying to find where the story really was and what contributed to the story. And she believes that spirit talks to each of us in different ways, and then that there are patterns. And so she was having me look through my memory bank and my journals, as I said, and notice any times in which I had gone into joy or bliss because of something that had occurred, or any time there was synchronicity or any important dreams that I had. And because I'd kept a journal since junior high, that wasn't so hard to do. And then she began to help me to see the pattern in my life. And then one summer, we'd been working probably for a year, year and a half, and she always takes a sabbatical in the summer to write her own book. She writes a book every year. And she said, “What are you doing for the summer?” We were having our last session online. And I said, “I don't know. I have all this paid time off. I'm thinking about a road trip.” She said, “Where to?” And I said, “I don't know.” And she said, “What do you think about a road trip out to see me?” I said, “That sounds like fun.” She lives in California, in Topanga. And I said, “What do you have in mind?” And she said, “I want to interview elders on the Yakima Reservation in Washington state, and if we can get in, usually it takes a couple years to get a reservation. I want a go to Hanford nuclear site, and I'm looking for a driver and a scribe.” And so I agreed. So I drove out to the East coast. I love long distance drives, and I was working at her house for about three days before we were to leave on the trip. She had asked me to do some research for her related to some research that was done on native Americans at the Yakima Reservation and also any research that came up related to Hanford nuclear site or research related to that. And as I was doing the research one day, all of a sudden on the screen, Elgin State Hospital came up. I was in shock. I had not thought about it or talked about it. I mean, I talked about it in therapy years before, but not since then. And later that day, Dina asked me how the research was going, and I said, “It's okay.” And she said, “What's going on with you?” She said, “Is it too hard?” I said, “Well, it's pretty dark research, but I saw something in my history come up in it.” She said, “What part?” And I said, “When I was committed to a state hospital the summer after my freshman year in college.” And she looked at me with her eagle eyes and she said, “And why did I never hear you were in a state hospital?” And that became a defining moment. And I realized all those years later—this was like seven years ago—I still held shame about that. And by the end of our trip together, it became clear, there was this sense of feeling compelled to write about that history and explore and do research and understand it as well as I could. And it almost felt like a spiritual mandate. So the book then became a very different book than it had started off, or I thought it was going to be, although a lot of that early material is in the last part of the book, the transformation part of it. That's how it changed. Passionistas: What do you hope that survivors who read your book take away from it? What's the biggest message? Lora: The biggest message is hope. And that no matter what kind of trauma you've experienced, you can fully recover. So that's one of the biggest messages. And, you know, the other big message is around love and kind. You know, I think we're in a period of history in which everything which has been hidden is coming up to be looked at. And I think unless we look at and examine history, we make the same mistakes going into the future. So I see that as a very good thing. And I think this time that we're in, you know, still with COVID, off and on, et cetera, has caused many people to go into self-reflection and to change patterns, et cetera. And I would invite people to really pay attention to self-love and how important kindness is, to be kind to themselves as well as to others. And so often with trauma, trauma kind of takes over the brain and that's all we can see. And there's a lot of beliefs that get formed around trauma. Like my belief was, “I must have done something wrong,” and “Why do these things keep happening to me? Must be something bad about me.” And I think most trauma survivors part of that have things like that. I've worked with rape survivors and trafficked women, and often the belief is, “I shouldn't have been dressed in that or if I hadn't been walking down that street or if I hadn't looked that way.” Because we hate feeling powerless, so we try to make up a story about how it was our fault. So if we can figure out what I did wrong, then maybe I can keep it from happening in the future. But one of the things that a Native American elder who was a spiritual teacher of mine many years ago suggested I do is, she said I needed to go back through my memory banks and find all the joy markers and literally do a graph of that. And I was on a women's retreat on her land for a month when she suggests that I do that, and I started to remember all the angels that came into my life with human skin wearing the face of compassion. And it begins to change the trauma narrative. So I strongly suggest anyone that's been traumatized do that. Because our life isn't just one thing. It's a rich tapestry of so much more. But it took that exercise for me to begin to focus on that so much more, and it blew me away. And since then, if I work with trauma survivors, I ask them to do the same thing, and always, it's an astounding exercise. Passionistas: If you could go back to those early days, what advice would you give your younger self? Lora: I think at this point, because I've really, really been practicing self-love, unconditional self-love, I think I would say to her, she is just fine, just the way she is. And that she's smart and funny and creative. And that what's happening isn't her fault, and that she's going to grow strong and resilient and learn and grow through it. Passionistas: What's your dream for women? Lora: My dream is that they find out, they really step into loving themselves unconditionally and knowing how beautiful and bright they are, and creative. And I think women intuitively are nurturers, even women who don't have children. There's something about feminine energy that's rising up like never before now. And I hope women can all tap into their own brilliance and step into who they're meant to be, to help begin to make the shifts that need to happen happen on the planet. And I think it's going to take—I hate to say the word army, because I don't like war—it's going to take a collection of many, many women who do that. Passionistas: What's your secret to a rewarding life? Lora: For me, it's gratitude. I practice gratitude every morning. It's also, you know, I thank the trees when I go outside in the morning and the sun coming up and the grass growing and the sound of the birds, which sort of sets my day. And at the end of the day, I usually go through a gratitude list, as well. So I think gratitude, for one. The other thing that I have discovered, and it was a hard course to get there—I had COVID a year ago and nearly died. Had two near death experiences, was in the hospital for a month and then came home on oxygen and told I'd never, I'd probably never get off of it and couldn't walk. And I think since I was a kid, there's this determination, if somebody tells me I can't do something, I say, “Watch me.” And so here I am walking and talking and not on any oxygen, and my lungs have been healed, and all the rest of it. And then on top of that, I was just getting better and recovered from the COVID, or mostly recovered. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. But each of those experiences, what they did is they reopened a vulnerability that I'd had as a kid that I had never totally worked through and didn't even know that I'd worked through it in therapy, but, but I hadn't cried as much as I needed to. And I have an amazing coach that helped me through that time, continues to work with me. And I made a commitment that, no matter what, to be vulnerable and to be transparent, and I realized that that's my superpower. And my life has shifted because of that. And that very vulnerability—was sort of like ripping off the band aids that were still covering old scars—has dramatically shifted my life. And I would like all women to know that our transparency and vulnerability really can be our superpower. And I've just been blown away, absolutely blown away by people's response to that vulnerability. I also, when the book was first coming out, I had a, oh, I don't know, a week or two of freak out. It was like, “Oh my God, this book is raw. I mean, I tell it all.” And I kept scaring myself, and then I caught myself one day. I was saying to myself, “I'm going to feel so exposed.” And one day I sat down, I looked at the word exposed and I thought, “I need a different word.” And the word that came to me was ‘revealed.' And then the sentence that came to me is, “I choose to reveal myself as loving presence in every moment, in every situation.” And that shifted everything. And so now interviews, no matter who they're with or what they are, feel pretty effortless. But I had to stop scaring myself. So I think the other thing I want women and others to know is it's really important to pay attention to how we talk to ourselves. You know, we can really defeat ourselves in so many ways, and language is really important, and our nervous system takes it. Passionistas: Do you have a mantra that you live by? Lora: Every year I set a goal and I've had the same one for the last two years. And that's luminous presence. I want to be a luminous presence on the planet, and I want to be an inspiration and guide to others. And there's a quote that's a favorite of mine as well, and that's, “There is someone somewhere who has a wound that is the exact size of your words.” That's by a man named Sean Thomas Doherty. “There is someone somewhere who has a wound that's the exact size of your words.” And when you really let that sink in, I think it automatically brings up kindness. An amazing experience at Starbucks not long ago, there was this young woman who was falling apart, and you could tell it was her first job on the day on the job, and she was just a mess. She kept making mistakes and they were really busy, and there wasn't anyone right behind me. And I looked at her and I said, “Do you know you have the most beautiful eyes? Has anyone ever told you that?” And she said, “No.” And I said, “Well, you do.” and then she teared up, and I said, “Is this your first day working?” And she said, “Yeah, can you tell?” I said, “Yeah, but everybody has a first day. You're doing fine. Just take a few deep breaths. You're going to be okay. I would be crazy if I was behind that booth. You know, you're multitasking constantly, so just be kind to yourself.” She said, “Can I touch you?” And I said, “Sure.” She reached over and held my hand, gave my hand a squeeze, and now when I go through that drive-through, she always thanks me. And in the same Starbucks, one of the guys there named Joe, he said to me one day, he says, “You know, you are always so kind to the people who work behind this window, and I just want to thank you, because it really sets their day. Some of these young people, they just get so, you know, depressed and feeling like they can't do it, et cetera.” And he said, “And you've also made a difference in my life. I said, “Really?” And he said, “Yeah, I'll tell you sometime.” And then one day I went through, he says, “We've gotta talk.” And I said, “Okay.” And I said, “How do we do that?” And so we set up a time, and it turns out that he was a sexual abuse survivor himself, and he had bought my book. And so he wanted to tell me that and tell me how my book had impacted him. I mean, we just never know. We just never know. Passionistas: How does it feel for you now to be that angel that were these people that peppered through your life, that helped you get through these moments? What does it mean now for you to be that person for so many other people? Lora: It's a very humbling experience. I feel like the most fortunate woman on the planet. It feels like it was my destiny. And I didn't know that at the time. I became aware that writing “Darkness Was My Candle” was an act of love, but I don't know that I knew the full scope of it until the book came out, the interviews started, et cetera. Passionistas: Where did the title come from? Lora: I just woke up one morning and I tend to trust my intuition and there it was. But I think primarily through the years of transformation work and spiritual work, I've learned that oftentimes we go into, you know, John of the Cross used to call it the dark night of the soul, or this, you know, other, other spiritual teachers might talk about it as like the void. And what I began to appreciate is that that period of growth is much like spring before it blossoms. At least in the Midwest, I don't know if you have dramatic springs on the West coast like we have out here, but it's like everything is pregnant, and there's this sort of, it's a fertile void. You know, there's never a time in which there's a winter that's too dark, that doesn't hold spring's promise. You know, you just have to wait till all those little buds begin to push themselves up, whether it's the tulips or other blossoms. And it feels like times of darkness in our life are exactly that. And I've also come to realize in my own life, and I believe many trauma survivors, is that trauma can become a portal into a very different kind of life of if you have the right kind of support and really do the work that's required. It's not just that another, some other shitty thing happened to you. It literally can open you to a much more magnificent life. And I think it's through the dark in which we ask the big questions like, “Why did this happen to me?” You know, “Will I ever feel different?” We ask the existential crisis, the existential questions, which are both psychological questions and spiritual questions. So another part of the book is, I'm on a mission to not just disclose the dark history of psychiatry to psychiatrists and anyone in the mental health field—and I feel excited about the way that's happening—but also we have got to bring together a world of psychotherapy in which we merge and bring together spiritual psychology and transpersonal development as well. I think it's essential. Because especially with trauma survivors, you can't fully recover unless some of those deeper questions that are in your soul, they tend to be soul questions. You know, “Does life have any meaning?” They can't be answered psychologically. They're spiritual questions. And we leave out a huge equation of what it means to be a person if we don't bring the notion of spirituality. And I'm not talking about religion, religion's how people can choose to practice their spirituality or learn in community and celebrate in community. But we all have a spiritual essence, and that's fed in different ways. For some people, it's a walk in the woods. For some people it's in community. For some people it's in deep meditation, and there are hundreds of meditative techniques. It's different for all of us, but we all have that. And that's who we really are. This is who we live. This is what we are and who we live in. But our spiritual essence is magnificent. And I think we're in a time where more people are finding a longing for that as well as a longing to change the way they're, that we're all living our lives. Thanks for listening to The Passionistas Project Podcast and our interview with Lora DeVore. To learn more about her work and get a copy of her book “Darkness Was My Candle,” visit LoraDeVore.com. If you or someone you know needs help, dial 988 or call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, which offers free and confidential emotional support around the clock to those experiencing a suicidal crisis. You can also get support via text by visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat. Outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources. According to the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization, RAINN, "Every 68 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. And every 9 minutes, that victim is a child." If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, help is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Please call the free and confidential National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or visit rainn.org. And be sure to visit ThePassionistasProject.com to sign up for our mailing list, find all the ways you can follow us on social media and join our worldwide community of women working together to level the playing field for us all. We'll be back next week with more Passionistas who are defining success on their own terms and breaking down the barriers for themselves and women everywhere. Until then. Stay well and stay passionate.